The other night I stumbled upon the video of Peter Tosh and Mick Jagger's video for "Don't Look Back." First of all, Tosh shuoulda been able to sue Jagger for 3 minutes of that ridiculous herky jerky chicken dance shithead does for the camera. Well, and every second of every Stones show since. Seriously, if forcd to, would you rather watch Mick dry-heave to 'Jumpin Jack Flash" one more time or Michael J. Fox read the paper on day 3 of no meds? Christ. Anyways, the song was of course a cover of the Temps' classic of the same name. For some reason I started thinking of the classic Bruce outtake "Don't Look Back", and started wondering how many songs out there that are different songs but have the same titles, and which on is better? Within a few minutes I had already come up witha few. Walk with me.
"Don't Look Back" - The Temptations/Bruce Springsteen.
This is the only one where I cannot declare a winner. Go back n forth. One sublime smoothness, the other my "play loudly before meetin Op for 163 scotch n sodas/gettin in fights for playin too much Bruce at the Nest" cut. So this one is in fact a draw.
"Don't Let Me Down" - The Beatles/DT & the Shakes.
DT, no contest. THE definitive single by one of my all-time squads; plus this cut has always been a landmark of my youth. Whatever that means. Lennon's cut, blech. Start of his decline that would last the rest of his lifetime. Thank god h left us with Sean, The King of "Dudes That could Be Beaten Up By Bunny Rabbits."
"Rocks Off" - Rolling Stones/Def Leppard.
Please. No contest. Only thing that bugs me is this is one of the 60000 great Stones cuts they never play live; why play this or "Winter" when you can fucking put me to sleep with "Start Me Up"? And....I think the only reason I even know the Def Lep cut even exists is that awesome VH1 movie. Another case of my liking the movie more than the band - the king of this category being, of course, Metallica's "Some Kind of Monster." Should be required viewing for 1) people who don't like metal and love to laugh at these fucking idiots ("Lars, what rhymes with 'I'm a gazillionaire middle-aged dumbfuck trying to write scary, cliched metal lyrics like I'm still 14 years old'?") and 2) young kids who look like they're starting to get into Metallica. Make them watch this, then be like "...so...you SURE you wanna like this band?....good, didn't think so. Hand me my pants."
"Rock and Roll" - Mekons/Led Zeppellin
Page is the ultimate riff-meister, but its the Mekons here. Sorry, Lucifer. Jimmy Page musta been a weird dude to hang out in the early 70s, no? "Say, whaddya up to tonite Jimbo?" "Ah, I'll probably hit my black magic lab for a while before bedding down some 12-year old girls. Peace out."
"Hope You Had Fun" - Tandy/Hayday
Please. One is a country, slow number, the other is by the single greatest band who ever lived, written by, rumor has it, the 1979 Easter Egg Coloring Contest winner. Alright FINE, runner-up. Can't keep no secret past anymore. Fuckin wikipedia.
"Sooner or Later" - Marah/The Grass Roots
Marah's my squad of squads, but I gottsta go with the Grass Roots here. Mainly cause of childhood memories of playing this 8-track over and over again with my next door neighbor on one of those old stereos that were 3 feet tall, 10 feet wide. We'd listen to all those GR hits, then her mother would come in and teach us bukakke.
"She's the One" - Bruce Springsteen/The Ramones.
Bruce. Never been in love with the Ramones slice; everyone else always saw it as the big "Ramonesey" single on Road to Ruin, but I always thought of it as a "How to Write a Ramones Song 101." Blown away on the same side by "It's a Long Way Back" and "Questioningly." The Boss's cut features Bo Diddley stomp and Spector Wall of Sound. Think it has the word vanilla in it, too.
"Something to Believe In" - The Ramones/Poison
I will admit - if the Poison cut comes on the radio when I'm cruising down the road, it's prolly staying on. Also, I have no idea at this moment if it's Poison, or another of those bands...whatever. Meanwhile the Ramones cut is a perfect pop slice that makes you bawl like a baby every time you play it. Like the tapes I have where I read the eulogy at my own funeral. "..he was a good man, he was...please, girls...keep the crying down, please...Mr. Staubach! Save some ham biscuits!!!...he was warm, funny...can somebody get Uma off the casket? AGAIN?...he was..."
"Straight to Hell" - drivin n cryin/The Clash
Ooooh, close one...gotta go with the Clash. If only cause every numbnuts meathead somehow knows when to chime in at the end, "LIKE A ROLLING STONE SONG, IM GOIN STRAIGHT TO HELL..." for a while it seemed like it was gonna become the "salt! salt salt salt salt!" of our generation. Ugh. Plus, it's fun to imagine that when Joe & Mick wrote theirs, they meant it as a joke about, as they might say, "gooks", and never meant it o be released, but since it slipped out they've had to pretend it's a gravitas-laden song. Well played, gents. "Me Chinese, me play joke, my eyes are slanted but not broke."
"Do You Love Me?" - The Contours/KISS
Please. Not even close. Has anyone else seen that awful Gene Simmons reality show? Fucking hell, is there anything this dude won't fucking sell? oh yeah....a record that doesn't B-L-O-W.
"Wild Thing" - The Troggs/Tone Loc
Well, gotta go with the classic here. Though I do have memories of having my 16-yar old heart broke to the strains of Tone Loc at the Dunbrooke Hunt Club back in the day. Ohoh...the episode where Becky talks to Jackie about birth control is on. High tide for Becky #1, mini-skirt flappin in the breeze, 1989 bob in the hair. Or hairbob, halebop, however you call it. I found out one night on Larry King she lives in Red Hook and is VERY single. Of course I tried to call her up, no luck. Seriously, when is someone gonna write a show or movie for the two Beckys? Have a show where they interchange every few minutes, but no one ever acknowledges it, driving the viewers crazy. Or the two of them living together in the big city as roommates. "Hi Becky!" "Hi Becky! Thanks again for shaving my pussy!" "Sure! You done with my Patricia Cornwall book?" "Sure! Here!" etc etc. Brokeback Becky, maybe? Or they can sit around and cry to each other about Mark dying in real life....until they're confronted with a 3-ton great white shark!!! anyways. I'm not giving up on the 2 Beckys idea.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today (Album Week!)
HELP!- The Beatles
You're Gonna Lose that Girl
It's Only Love
The Night Before
Ticket to ride
I've Just Seen a Face
I chose "Help!" over the other amazing Beatles records cause I recall picking up a copy of it at Wal-Mart in Oxford, MS in 1995. Re-stocked my cds as the Anthology was coming on tv. The cashier was an old, 300-lb black woman who while swiping it said "oooooooh, I love these white boys!!" and then busted out a quick "oooooooooooh!" straight outta "I Saw Her Standing There." Kilt me. I remember watching the Anthology on ABC that fall and thinking, who on this planet is NOT watching this???!!! Was incredible - I taped it, wore all three tapes out in about a year. Since then I have the full 10-dvd joint AND the 95000 page book. Amazing. Plus, "Help!" is always overlooked I've thought; nobody brings it up in "favorite Beatle albums" arguments, while for me it's #2 (ie the shit)
HARD DAYS NIGHT
HELP!
REVOLVER
THE WHITE ALBUM
SGT PEPPER/LET IT BE (tie)
You're Gonna Lose that Girl
It's Only Love
The Night Before
Ticket to ride
I've Just Seen a Face
I chose "Help!" over the other amazing Beatles records cause I recall picking up a copy of it at Wal-Mart in Oxford, MS in 1995. Re-stocked my cds as the Anthology was coming on tv. The cashier was an old, 300-lb black woman who while swiping it said "oooooooh, I love these white boys!!" and then busted out a quick "oooooooooooh!" straight outta "I Saw Her Standing There." Kilt me. I remember watching the Anthology on ABC that fall and thinking, who on this planet is NOT watching this???!!! Was incredible - I taped it, wore all three tapes out in about a year. Since then I have the full 10-dvd joint AND the 95000 page book. Amazing. Plus, "Help!" is always overlooked I've thought; nobody brings it up in "favorite Beatle albums" arguments, while for me it's #2 (ie the shit)
HARD DAYS NIGHT
HELP!
REVOLVER
THE WHITE ALBUM
SGT PEPPER/LET IT BE (tie)
On an Even More Serious Note...
....I'm making a conscious effort to work "Poindexter" into my everyday conversations. Every time I hear someone use it, kills me, I swear I'm gonna use it, instantly forget it. But from now on, I'll really try. And you homos need to hold me to it.
Minimum Fucking Rage
Are you fucking kidding me???? The minimum wage bill got shot down?!?!??!! What the fuck - NO raise in the minimum wage for 10 FUCKING YEARS!?!??!?! How is this possible - with this new Congress, I thought this would sail through. Unreal. And fuck you, shoot me all the fucking "economic" reasons for this, twist the numbers and make me cry because then Exxon would have to fire 4 people, there's no fucking way you justify this. Pork barrel this and that blah blah blah blah; if you sit there and say that after 10 years there should be no increase, then you're a fucking douchebag. Period. If you make minimum wage, you clear about $7,000 a fucking year. That means you work 40 hours a week, pay taxes and TADA!! live BELOW the poverty line. And we expect them to shut up and be so proud of being "American." I'm fucking flummoxed.
Meanwhile, the fuckwads in Congress over the same 10 years? 8 pay raises. 8! EIGHT!!!! What congressman could possibly fucking shoot this down and sleep at night?
"New Congress."
The gap between the 2 Americas just got wider and it's making me sick. And I'm tired of crying for the middle class when it's the poor that are REALLY getting shit on. Plus, I have a suspicion that the very middle class we're supposed to cry about are the ones that handed the GOP unchecked power for the last coupla years - they've been the ones with JUST enough to lose that they can be swayed by "values" talk all while dreaming that they too can all of a sudden hit the billionaire jackpot. Unlike the poor, they have the luxury of sitting in their recliners watching Fox News and dreaming that "hey, surely if I completely sell myself out and vote for these guys based on boys kissing I'll end up a gazzillionaire like Bush/Cheney; they're regular guys just like me, my people!" So fuck them. Congratulations, you've been played like fucking bitches. All part of this fascination we now have with the uber-rich: we love to talk about "hard working, good people that make up this great country" but then steamroll over them to spring up and applaud anytime some bazzillionaire strolls onto the tv screen. We think if we bark like seals loudly enough, they'll take us into their world. Also why we obsess about Paris and Lindsay. Enough! Rich people don't need our help, everyone else does.
Of course, with this "Democratic" Congress, I thought things would change. Now I gotta fucking wonder.
And we wonder why the poor don't bother to vote. No recliners to dream in. This gap between Americas is becoming a bigger problem by the minute - I'm hoping John Edwards means what he's been saying about trying to solve the problem starting in 2008. Fucking hell. Unbelievable.
Meanwhile, the fuckwads in Congress over the same 10 years? 8 pay raises. 8! EIGHT!!!! What congressman could possibly fucking shoot this down and sleep at night?
"New Congress."
The gap between the 2 Americas just got wider and it's making me sick. And I'm tired of crying for the middle class when it's the poor that are REALLY getting shit on. Plus, I have a suspicion that the very middle class we're supposed to cry about are the ones that handed the GOP unchecked power for the last coupla years - they've been the ones with JUST enough to lose that they can be swayed by "values" talk all while dreaming that they too can all of a sudden hit the billionaire jackpot. Unlike the poor, they have the luxury of sitting in their recliners watching Fox News and dreaming that "hey, surely if I completely sell myself out and vote for these guys based on boys kissing I'll end up a gazzillionaire like Bush/Cheney; they're regular guys just like me, my people!" So fuck them. Congratulations, you've been played like fucking bitches. All part of this fascination we now have with the uber-rich: we love to talk about "hard working, good people that make up this great country" but then steamroll over them to spring up and applaud anytime some bazzillionaire strolls onto the tv screen. We think if we bark like seals loudly enough, they'll take us into their world. Also why we obsess about Paris and Lindsay. Enough! Rich people don't need our help, everyone else does.
Of course, with this "Democratic" Congress, I thought things would change. Now I gotta fucking wonder.
And we wonder why the poor don't bother to vote. No recliners to dream in. This gap between Americas is becoming a bigger problem by the minute - I'm hoping John Edwards means what he's been saying about trying to solve the problem starting in 2008. Fucking hell. Unbelievable.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today (Album Week!)
TELEPHONE FREE LANDSLIDE VICTORY - Camper Van Beethoven
"Oh No! (That funny Feeling)"
"Take the Skinheads Bowling"
"Border Ska"
"Where the Hell is Bill"
"Wasted"
Most albums I love somehow remind me of fall or winter, and this is the only album I've ever loved that reminds me of burnt, dead summer grass in 98 degree heat. Summer of 1987, my first summer of freedom (my brother having gotten his license); thanks mostly to RRTHUR and a tape of "Burning Ambitions", I without a doubt found more amazing songs and bands that I still love today during that summer than any 3-month stretch before or since. First summer I hung out at French's parking lot. One of only 2 sophomores to make varsity that year, I can still feel what a thrill it was when the Northern Neck football preview came out in the paper and Coach Lewis took 2 paragraphs to talk aboput how good I looked, the promise I held. Summer my brother and I started working on the horse farm. Boy. I promise you I have never had a summer that good since. Ah well.
"Oh No! (That funny Feeling)"
"Take the Skinheads Bowling"
"Border Ska"
"Where the Hell is Bill"
"Wasted"
Most albums I love somehow remind me of fall or winter, and this is the only album I've ever loved that reminds me of burnt, dead summer grass in 98 degree heat. Summer of 1987, my first summer of freedom (my brother having gotten his license); thanks mostly to RRTHUR and a tape of "Burning Ambitions", I without a doubt found more amazing songs and bands that I still love today during that summer than any 3-month stretch before or since. First summer I hung out at French's parking lot. One of only 2 sophomores to make varsity that year, I can still feel what a thrill it was when the Northern Neck football preview came out in the paper and Coach Lewis took 2 paragraphs to talk aboput how good I looked, the promise I held. Summer my brother and I started working on the horse farm. Boy. I promise you I have never had a summer that good since. Ah well.
Monday, January 22, 2007
MRS FIZZUCKING XMASTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1) BRITNEY SPEARS - Yes Brit, you still hold the top spot BUT.....you are on probation. You have 90 days, starting today, to lose all that baby-weight and stop hanging out with all the other (sh)"it" girls. I have the utmost confidence you will follow through with these requirements; surely dumping K-Fed's lame ass was a pre-emptive salvo to let me know that you're serious about keeping your top spot. Godspeed, dear heart....God speed. And I'm serious - lose the weight, fatass. I don't wanna be fucking your titties and realize "wait a second....this isn't a titty...."
2) UMA THURMAN - some will scream at being passed over by a rookie here. And they have their point to make. But I've come to notice Uma looks a lot like a chick I was in love with years ago, so when I hook up with Uma and then dump her, ripping her heart out, it'll be like I'm "double dumping." What's that phrase, a hand in the bush is better than 2 in the shitter? Something like that, I dunno. Normally would dock her for associating with Aerosmith in a movie, but you khow how it is with brand new Mrs. Xmastimes - it's all one big honeymoon filled with rivers of ambrosia, Hormel chili clouds and toilet bowls.
3) SHANNON ELIZABETH - another fringe Mrs. Xmastime from a year ago that smartened up and dumped her loser "producer" husband. Obviously forgoing waking up next to 11 pounds of shedded back hair was worth it, as she finds herself in my 3-spot. I dunno why, but whenever I look at her the only phrase that comes to mind is "runaway cum-lips." Congrats.
4) JESSICA ALBA - I mean, come on....I've sat through "Fantastic Four" about 9 times. 'Muff said.
5) LACEY KANE - ah yes, neighborhood girl....who, I'm just now realizing, is YET ANOTHER Mrs. Xmastime who has dumped her significant other since the last list!! Good lord. I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too. And by "I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too" I mean "hahahahahahahaha; hahahahahaha!!!!!" Luckily I've seen her for a total of maybe 11 minutes this past year, so she might still think I'm at least semi-human.
6) KATE WINSLET - ah yes....my "Plus Size" Mrs. Xmastime. She has officially nabbed her generation's title of "Mrs. Xmastime That Xmastime Respects and Won't Cuss Around", a la Phylicia Rashad of years past. So before I slip up and say something about her going down on my Titanic I'll move along.
7) COLIE - my all-time "Real World" chick...topping whatshername from Chicago, for whom the phrase "could eat corn on the cob through a fence" was written. Between Colie and Shannon and Uma and a few others I see I have a certain thing for chicks whose faces seem to be sliding off their heads. Could this be because I was circumsized with a torch? What was I talking about? Oh yeah...Colie's on a short leash; so far all I know about her is she's hooked up with Alex and has mono. Do kids still get mono? Thought they stopped after I got it in high school. Oh wait, that's sickle cell. Relax, that's just a joke that we call a "preview" in the business - as in "Stay tuned for Mrs. Ebony Xmastime!"
8) AMY HOYBACH - holdover from last year; may be THE definitive Mrs. Xmastime horse-face. Which actually is unfortunate considering her last name.
9) THE TWO BECKY CONNORS - Lecy Goranson and Sarah Chalke. Both, of course played Becky on "Roseanne." I mean, how amazing would it be to fuck 2 chicks that played the same character on tv? You can have your Darrens from "Bewitched", I'll take these two...although technically, didn't the Olsen twins play the same character in 'Full House'? Tagging the two of them would be great, but I dunno...just occurred to me...what if you're hitting on one of the Olsens, and flatter her a bit with her great work on 'Full House', and you go home with her. Could you really be involved with someone who's okay with you being a "man" and a fan of "Full House"? I dunno. Just like when my last girlfriend stayed with me even after finding my Bert & Ernie fuck-doll set, there's a certain amount of respect lost, no? Meanwhile, I think the Becky I v. Becky II argument is worthy of its own post, so stay tuned for that one.
10) RACHEL - works at a bar down the street from me. Ridiculously hot. Supernice. My chances are slim since every dude in the city is in love with her and the only time I see her is when I'm about 17 pops in, basting in my own urine and making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me. And by "making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me" I mean "taking off my pants and trying to suck the urine out, capturing whatever extra beer I can since I have 16 cents in my pocket, isn't it weird Rachel isn't into me, wtf?" Anyways. She'll come around, I'm sure.
TOMORROW: MRS. XMASTIME, SENIOR DIVISION!!!!
2) UMA THURMAN - some will scream at being passed over by a rookie here. And they have their point to make. But I've come to notice Uma looks a lot like a chick I was in love with years ago, so when I hook up with Uma and then dump her, ripping her heart out, it'll be like I'm "double dumping." What's that phrase, a hand in the bush is better than 2 in the shitter? Something like that, I dunno. Normally would dock her for associating with Aerosmith in a movie, but you khow how it is with brand new Mrs. Xmastimes - it's all one big honeymoon filled with rivers of ambrosia, Hormel chili clouds and toilet bowls.
3) SHANNON ELIZABETH - another fringe Mrs. Xmastime from a year ago that smartened up and dumped her loser "producer" husband. Obviously forgoing waking up next to 11 pounds of shedded back hair was worth it, as she finds herself in my 3-spot. I dunno why, but whenever I look at her the only phrase that comes to mind is "runaway cum-lips." Congrats.
4) JESSICA ALBA - I mean, come on....I've sat through "Fantastic Four" about 9 times. 'Muff said.
5) LACEY KANE - ah yes, neighborhood girl....who, I'm just now realizing, is YET ANOTHER Mrs. Xmastime who has dumped her significant other since the last list!! Good lord. I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too. And by "I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too" I mean "hahahahahahahaha; hahahahahaha!!!!!" Luckily I've seen her for a total of maybe 11 minutes this past year, so she might still think I'm at least semi-human.
6) KATE WINSLET - ah yes....my "Plus Size" Mrs. Xmastime. She has officially nabbed her generation's title of "Mrs. Xmastime That Xmastime Respects and Won't Cuss Around", a la Phylicia Rashad of years past. So before I slip up and say something about her going down on my Titanic I'll move along.
7) COLIE - my all-time "Real World" chick...topping whatshername from Chicago, for whom the phrase "could eat corn on the cob through a fence" was written. Between Colie and Shannon and Uma and a few others I see I have a certain thing for chicks whose faces seem to be sliding off their heads. Could this be because I was circumsized with a torch? What was I talking about? Oh yeah...Colie's on a short leash; so far all I know about her is she's hooked up with Alex and has mono. Do kids still get mono? Thought they stopped after I got it in high school. Oh wait, that's sickle cell. Relax, that's just a joke that we call a "preview" in the business - as in "Stay tuned for Mrs. Ebony Xmastime!"
8) AMY HOYBACH - holdover from last year; may be THE definitive Mrs. Xmastime horse-face. Which actually is unfortunate considering her last name.
9) THE TWO BECKY CONNORS - Lecy Goranson and Sarah Chalke. Both, of course played Becky on "Roseanne." I mean, how amazing would it be to fuck 2 chicks that played the same character on tv? You can have your Darrens from "Bewitched", I'll take these two...although technically, didn't the Olsen twins play the same character in 'Full House'? Tagging the two of them would be great, but I dunno...just occurred to me...what if you're hitting on one of the Olsens, and flatter her a bit with her great work on 'Full House', and you go home with her. Could you really be involved with someone who's okay with you being a "man" and a fan of "Full House"? I dunno. Just like when my last girlfriend stayed with me even after finding my Bert & Ernie fuck-doll set, there's a certain amount of respect lost, no? Meanwhile, I think the Becky I v. Becky II argument is worthy of its own post, so stay tuned for that one.
10) RACHEL - works at a bar down the street from me. Ridiculously hot. Supernice. My chances are slim since every dude in the city is in love with her and the only time I see her is when I'm about 17 pops in, basting in my own urine and making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me. And by "making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me" I mean "taking off my pants and trying to suck the urine out, capturing whatever extra beer I can since I have 16 cents in my pocket, isn't it weird Rachel isn't into me, wtf?" Anyways. She'll come around, I'm sure.
TOMORROW: MRS. XMASTIME, SENIOR DIVISION!!!!
...and I mean, Gotdamn....
.....bout time I gave a shout out to my girl Monica...here's my Monica/Xmastime cuts
"Lose this Skin" - The Clash
"Sooner or Later" - Grass Roots (a dig at her hubby! I'm crazy!!!)
"Penny" - Hanson
"Danny Says" - The Ramones
"Honeysuckle Blue" - drivin n cryin
AND...LETS NOT FORGET....the first song I ever got a girl completely naked to was "Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes
"Lose this Skin" - The Clash
"Sooner or Later" - Grass Roots (a dig at her hubby! I'm crazy!!!)
"Penny" - Hanson
"Danny Says" - The Ramones
"Honeysuckle Blue" - drivin n cryin
AND...LETS NOT FORGET....the first song I ever got a girl completely naked to was "Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes
NEW SUPER SLICE
"Between Planets" off Automatic - the greatest compliment I can give: it's better than "In My Hour of Darkness." This is not an argument.
5 Songs I Like Today (Album Week!)
PSYCHOCANDY - The Jesus and Mary Chain
"The Hardest Walk"
"Never Understand"
"You Trip Me Up"
"Sowing Seeds"
"Taste the Floor"
On a side note, just spent the last hour trying to figger which version of "Head On" I like better, the original or the Pixies? I always thought this was the greatest cover a band from my generation did, like they did in the old days - an earnest, we-love-the-song cover by a contemporary. Is there a better example in the last 20 years of bands who are contemporaries that do such a great cover of the others's song? I'm sure there are, but this one has always meant a lot to me.
I only saw my Dad laugh out loud once: when I played him my tape of Bill Cosby's "Himself", the part about his father farting and blaming it on elephants. A no-nonsense guy for sure, so you can picture his look of utter disappointment upon opening the door to his 17 year old son's room and seeing this fucking loser boo-hooing like a school-girl and moving the needle back over and over again to replay the line "..and the way I feel tonight, I could die and I wouldn't mind..." after being dumped by his first love. Can still see his face - utter shame mixed with the disgust that reads "who just cut one?" Ah well. The things that connect you to songs, right? A great, great song, both versions. I lean towards the original, but the cover is unstoppable.
"The Hardest Walk"
"Never Understand"
"You Trip Me Up"
"Sowing Seeds"
"Taste the Floor"
On a side note, just spent the last hour trying to figger which version of "Head On" I like better, the original or the Pixies? I always thought this was the greatest cover a band from my generation did, like they did in the old days - an earnest, we-love-the-song cover by a contemporary. Is there a better example in the last 20 years of bands who are contemporaries that do such a great cover of the others's song? I'm sure there are, but this one has always meant a lot to me.
I only saw my Dad laugh out loud once: when I played him my tape of Bill Cosby's "Himself", the part about his father farting and blaming it on elephants. A no-nonsense guy for sure, so you can picture his look of utter disappointment upon opening the door to his 17 year old son's room and seeing this fucking loser boo-hooing like a school-girl and moving the needle back over and over again to replay the line "..and the way I feel tonight, I could die and I wouldn't mind..." after being dumped by his first love. Can still see his face - utter shame mixed with the disgust that reads "who just cut one?" Ah well. The things that connect you to songs, right? A great, great song, both versions. I lean towards the original, but the cover is unstoppable.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Girls, Girls Girls
(editors note - The Mrs Xmastime List will be up on Monday!)
Between my first girlfriend having a kid the other day and the Mrs. Xmastime list looming, I can not help but start to think of my own "romantic" future. I've always been the first to joke about "dying alone" or whatever. Always seemed funny; of COURSE all of a sudden I'll meet my true love and go a-courting/get married etc. Course, now I'm not a spring chicken anymore - but what's most alarming isn't that I'm still alone, but the sheer comfort absolute loneliness has found with myself. I don't wear my loneliness like a hair-shirt, but more like the 15-year old battered sweatshirt that feels so comfortable and we can't throw away. Not good. It doesn't even occur to me anymore to care about meeting someone. I don't think about dating, or falling in love, I don't even have fantasy crushes anymore. Even the Mrs. Xmastime lists are basically just "chicks I'd like to fuck." Except of course for Claire Huxtable, whom deserves even my respect. No, the most "intimacy" I may allow with a woman will be a late-night drunken hookup. And of course there's no intimacy there, no "maybe we can become something together." It's usually her bitching the next morning that I had fucked her "like in some porno." I don't know if that's cause I did her good and hard like a porn star stud, or because after I spell out my name on her ass with my jizz I let Lenny, the dwarf I've rented to film it, put on a Dairy Queen uniform and dip her titties in chocolate. Chicks. who knows, right?
I've been in love three times in my life, and looking back, it seems like the first time was the only one where I was openly "romantic" and in love etc. You know how it is, all naivite and "we're gonna be together FOREVER!!" etc etc. Silly looking back, but at the time it's the whole world. I was open, vulnerable and would do all those things you do when you're in love for the first time, like staring into each other's eyes and writing over-the-top earnest poems where you think you've invented words of love. Shame it was wasted on youth, but looking back was definitely the only time I've ever been in love/romantic without feeling the need to joke about it. The next time I was in love was college, wherein she worshipped the ground I walked on and seemed to live only to please me. Which, of course led me to kinda ignore her, never take anything seriously and constantly blow her off to hang out with the fellahs. Though her not yet having discovered the power a Lady Schick can have on the Golden Palace of the Himalayas certainly didn't help. And then the last time, a few years ago was just one-sided irrational love that is blind, destructive and, of course, drunken. Maybe I could've been "serious" had I needed to be, but mostly I was just a whining, crying sack of man-tears. Ugh. And even then, the few opportunities that DID present themselves to let me be Mr. Cool Romance Summer Breeze, I kinda blew it off. I mean christ, Gettin Ladies 101: buy her a Valentine's Day gift. Well, and a birthday one. Christ.
Anyways. Will I ever find true love? Doubt it. If I did, could I ever open myself up like when I was 16 and that naive? Hell no. Is Lenny on his way over with our "digital scrapbook"? Definitely.
But you know what? I'm taking a first, daring step this morning. right now. Not a real one, mind you, but I will do an exercise wherein I reach out to a lady friend. As this is only an exercise this lady and I are not nor have been nor never will be romantically involved, but she'll get a kick out of it. And it will give me the thrill, if only for a nano-second, of actually taking a swing in the Big Game. Her song, our song, a funny 'just twixt-us" joke I vaguely remember people who like each other doing with each other. So, you know who you are, here's a long distance dedication:
[Girl]
Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt
It's is so big
She looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends
But, uh, you know, who understands those rap guys
They only talk to her
because she looks like a total prostitute, ok?
I mean her butt
It's just so big
I can't believe it's just so round
It's, like, out there
I mean, gross
Look, she's just so black
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes (me so horny)
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well use me, use me, because you ain't that average groupie
I've seen her dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo vet
I'm tired of magazines
saying flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back, so...
Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Tell them to shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it,
shake that healthy butt
Baby got back
(LA face with the Oakland booty)
Baby got back
(LA face with the Oakland booty)
I like 'em round and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And uh, double that, uh, uh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
Because silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna uh
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of pimps won't like this song
Because them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm gonna get the friction on
So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna role in my Mercedes? (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back
(LA face with an Oakland booty)
Baby got back
Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36 ha ha
Only if she's 5'3"
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
and tell you that the butt gotta go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it Miss Thang
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to diss
Cuz his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you want a triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-mixalot and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
(LA face with an Oakland booty)
baby got back
Between my first girlfriend having a kid the other day and the Mrs. Xmastime list looming, I can not help but start to think of my own "romantic" future. I've always been the first to joke about "dying alone" or whatever. Always seemed funny; of COURSE all of a sudden I'll meet my true love and go a-courting/get married etc. Course, now I'm not a spring chicken anymore - but what's most alarming isn't that I'm still alone, but the sheer comfort absolute loneliness has found with myself. I don't wear my loneliness like a hair-shirt, but more like the 15-year old battered sweatshirt that feels so comfortable and we can't throw away. Not good. It doesn't even occur to me anymore to care about meeting someone. I don't think about dating, or falling in love, I don't even have fantasy crushes anymore. Even the Mrs. Xmastime lists are basically just "chicks I'd like to fuck." Except of course for Claire Huxtable, whom deserves even my respect. No, the most "intimacy" I may allow with a woman will be a late-night drunken hookup. And of course there's no intimacy there, no "maybe we can become something together." It's usually her bitching the next morning that I had fucked her "like in some porno." I don't know if that's cause I did her good and hard like a porn star stud, or because after I spell out my name on her ass with my jizz I let Lenny, the dwarf I've rented to film it, put on a Dairy Queen uniform and dip her titties in chocolate. Chicks. who knows, right?
I've been in love three times in my life, and looking back, it seems like the first time was the only one where I was openly "romantic" and in love etc. You know how it is, all naivite and "we're gonna be together FOREVER!!" etc etc. Silly looking back, but at the time it's the whole world. I was open, vulnerable and would do all those things you do when you're in love for the first time, like staring into each other's eyes and writing over-the-top earnest poems where you think you've invented words of love. Shame it was wasted on youth, but looking back was definitely the only time I've ever been in love/romantic without feeling the need to joke about it. The next time I was in love was college, wherein she worshipped the ground I walked on and seemed to live only to please me. Which, of course led me to kinda ignore her, never take anything seriously and constantly blow her off to hang out with the fellahs. Though her not yet having discovered the power a Lady Schick can have on the Golden Palace of the Himalayas certainly didn't help. And then the last time, a few years ago was just one-sided irrational love that is blind, destructive and, of course, drunken. Maybe I could've been "serious" had I needed to be, but mostly I was just a whining, crying sack of man-tears. Ugh. And even then, the few opportunities that DID present themselves to let me be Mr. Cool Romance Summer Breeze, I kinda blew it off. I mean christ, Gettin Ladies 101: buy her a Valentine's Day gift. Well, and a birthday one. Christ.
Anyways. Will I ever find true love? Doubt it. If I did, could I ever open myself up like when I was 16 and that naive? Hell no. Is Lenny on his way over with our "digital scrapbook"? Definitely.
But you know what? I'm taking a first, daring step this morning. right now. Not a real one, mind you, but I will do an exercise wherein I reach out to a lady friend. As this is only an exercise this lady and I are not nor have been nor never will be romantically involved, but she'll get a kick out of it. And it will give me the thrill, if only for a nano-second, of actually taking a swing in the Big Game. Her song, our song, a funny 'just twixt-us" joke I vaguely remember people who like each other doing with each other. So, you know who you are, here's a long distance dedication:
[Girl]
Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt
It's is so big
She looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends
But, uh, you know, who understands those rap guys
They only talk to her
because she looks like a total prostitute, ok?
I mean her butt
It's just so big
I can't believe it's just so round
It's, like, out there
I mean, gross
Look, she's just so black
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes (me so horny)
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well use me, use me, because you ain't that average groupie
I've seen her dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo vet
I'm tired of magazines
saying flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back, so...
Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Tell them to shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it,
shake that healthy butt
Baby got back
(LA face with the Oakland booty)
Baby got back
(LA face with the Oakland booty)
I like 'em round and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And uh, double that, uh, uh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
Because silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna uh
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of pimps won't like this song
Because them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm gonna get the friction on
So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna role in my Mercedes? (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back
(LA face with an Oakland booty)
Baby got back
Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36 ha ha
Only if she's 5'3"
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
and tell you that the butt gotta go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it Miss Thang
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to diss
Cuz his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you want a triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-mixalot and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
(LA face with an Oakland booty)
baby got back
Thursday, January 18, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today
"Leaving" - Marah
"Can't Control Myself" - The Troggs
"Days" - The Kinks
"Queen of Hearts" - Juice Newton
"I've Been Hurt" - The Tams
"Can't Control Myself" - The Troggs
"Days" - The Kinks
"Queen of Hearts" - Juice Newton
"I've Been Hurt" - The Tams
Orange County Ladies
My girls are back for Season 2! And by "My girls" I mean "middle-aged horse-leather skinned botoxed over-tittied rich bitches." Awesome. Thought I'd whip up a small quiz for you peeps who caught the premiere Tuesday Night.
1) Why did Kimberly move away to Chicago?
a. Her husband got transferred
b. To take care of her mother
c. To go to school
d. Her huge, fake titties got drafted by the Bears
2) Michael Jordan is to basketball as Vicki's kid Michael is to ________
a) college
b) piano
c) golf
d) retardation
3) Why is Slade so jealous of Jo in this episode?
a) She's been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion
b) She'e been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion and spent 3 hours picking out her sluttiest lingerie to wear there.
c) She'e been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion and spent 3 hours picking out her sluttiest lingerie to wear there, and then made it clear to Slade that he is NOT to come to the party.
d) She's a fucking whore.
4) Jo thinks Slade is being an over-dramatic, jealous jerk because of her new friend Shane (Laurie's son). He needs to stop acting like a jerk and realize they're just friends. If you saw the program, you could clearly see that the one word to describe Jo and Shane's relationship would be that they're:
a) Fucking
b) Fucking
c) Fucking
d) Fucking
5) Why didn't Laurie answer Slade's phone call after Jo left for the Playboy mansion?
a) Out of respect for her friend Jo
b) She was busy working
c) She's apprehensive due to their dating briefly while Jo and Slade were broken up this summer
d) She doesn't know how a phone works. "Fire alarm? AGAIN??!!"
6) What phrase did Laurie use to describe the many, many ways her life has changed since last season?
a) "A lot"
b) "A ton"
c) "Remarkably"
d) "360 degrees". Hmmmm.
7) Seriously, how gay is Shane?
a) No way! He's a baseball player for chrissakes!!
b) Please. 2 earrings does not make someone gay. Give it up.
c) He's a bit metro.
d) According to his boyfriend, pretty fucking gay.
8) Has Jeana's weight become an issue?
a) No.
b) Maybe.
c) It's not good.
d) Aren’t they missing a dog from last season?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today
"Border Radio" - The Blasters
"Chains" - Soul Asylum
"Memories" - Elvis Presley (final "Happy Days" scene....sniff sniff....)
"Take Me in Your Arms (Rock Me a Little While)" - Kim Weston
"Dancin on the Ceiling" - Lionel Richie
"Chains" - Soul Asylum
"Memories" - Elvis Presley (final "Happy Days" scene....sniff sniff....)
"Take Me in Your Arms (Rock Me a Little While)" - Kim Weston
"Dancin on the Ceiling" - Lionel Richie
Good Lord
Jesus Christ....when you lose out on a job to Paris Hilton because you're too much of a "train wreck" ....maybe it's time to make some changes. Wow. This is like not getting a job because "you look like you might kill somebody", and then finding out they gave it to O.J. Geez.
Monday, January 15, 2007
I wouldn't Stop There
Every year on Martin Luther King Day I'm reminded that 40 years ago a guy from my hometown was approached about assassinating MLK. Well, he lived in Tennessee at the time, moved to my town later on to raise a family, but still. I remember hearing this story and it's freaky - is there anything more sinister than being approached by someone to execute someone else? Is there a more chilling word in the English language than "execution"? Anyways, I went all the way through school with this girl, and after graduation she started dating a good friend of mine, and she told him the story. When he was a young buck in Tennesssee, he was known as someone who would not mind there being fewer black people around, apparently. after mulling the offer he declined, saying that he eventually wanted to raise a family et al. A side note, the girl I'm talking about ended up finding out at the age of 23 that one her best friends since first grade was actually her sister. I love small towns!!
But really, how much of a renowned racist do you have to be to get picked for something like this? How do you become THAT famous for hating black people? And we're talking about the mountains of Tennessee; it's not like he was the author of gottstakillmesomekiggahs.blogspot.com, right? Unreal. "Oh, Frank? From Lafayette? Oh yeah, I heard of him, he's good....he's real good. Is he ready for The Show? Let's see..." Real Atticus stuff here.
Looking back, I do recall he had shotguns all throughout his house. Unnerving hittin the pisser with a .22 nestled nicely in the corner. Seemed normal at the time, I reckon....like having a girlfriend, or getting caught trying on your father's brassieres. Life, eh.
It's gotten really easy to simply slot King as some sort of mascot for the Civil rights era so that we don't really have to think too much about it, as if he's the collective white race's version of "oh, but I've got black friends!" we defensively drop in awkward social situations; it's become easy for us to forget what a real thinker he was sbout ALL human rights, not just rioting black people on page 257 of our American History books. A side recommendation, besides the Taylor Branch series mentioned on Op's Unconquerable Gladness joint (see link at top left, my linking thingee on this computer is jacked), is to read "Walking with the Wind" by John Lewis. A point player at every step of the movement, Lewis embodies the compassion and dignity that were the backbone of the non-violent doctrine. Great guy, great read. And get a copy of King's last speech, his "I see the Promised Land" one right before he died (see link below). My all time speech; the "free at last" one is great too but the optimism and gospel fervor of this one combined with knowing he was about to die, and it seeming like he KNEW he was gonna die ("Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now"), along with the venue looking like my school auditorium from kindergarten equals amazing chill moments.
http://www.mlkonline.net/promised.html
But really, how much of a renowned racist do you have to be to get picked for something like this? How do you become THAT famous for hating black people? And we're talking about the mountains of Tennessee; it's not like he was the author of gottstakillmesomekiggahs.blogspot.com, right? Unreal. "Oh, Frank? From Lafayette? Oh yeah, I heard of him, he's good....he's real good. Is he ready for The Show? Let's see..." Real Atticus stuff here.
Looking back, I do recall he had shotguns all throughout his house. Unnerving hittin the pisser with a .22 nestled nicely in the corner. Seemed normal at the time, I reckon....like having a girlfriend, or getting caught trying on your father's brassieres. Life, eh.
It's gotten really easy to simply slot King as some sort of mascot for the Civil rights era so that we don't really have to think too much about it, as if he's the collective white race's version of "oh, but I've got black friends!" we defensively drop in awkward social situations; it's become easy for us to forget what a real thinker he was sbout ALL human rights, not just rioting black people on page 257 of our American History books. A side recommendation, besides the Taylor Branch series mentioned on Op's Unconquerable Gladness joint (see link at top left, my linking thingee on this computer is jacked), is to read "Walking with the Wind" by John Lewis. A point player at every step of the movement, Lewis embodies the compassion and dignity that were the backbone of the non-violent doctrine. Great guy, great read. And get a copy of King's last speech, his "I see the Promised Land" one right before he died (see link below). My all time speech; the "free at last" one is great too but the optimism and gospel fervor of this one combined with knowing he was about to die, and it seeming like he KNEW he was gonna die ("Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now"), along with the venue looking like my school auditorium from kindergarten equals amazing chill moments.
http://www.mlkonline.net/promised.html
Martha Xmastime
Was in the studio audience this morning for "The Martha Stewart Show"! Must say, as much as she's my girl (Mrs. Xmastime Senior Division with a bullet), in real life she looks really good. Tanned, slim, tall. Mainly, I was (and still am) flummoxed by the fact that for one hour, I was in the same room as a legitimate billionaire. Always weird to be in the presence of someone THAT successful; am reminded of when I met Bruce and realized I was meeting someone who was more successful in his own field than anyone I knew. Pretty amazing - studio is filled with dozens of people hustling around, busting their humps, their entire lives consumed with working for a single entity, the key to their futures completely dependant on a single person....and then all of a sudden there she was, beezing through to a granite counter. THE QUEEN BEE. Bizarre and thriulling at the same time; I can't fathom being that responsible for so much success, being the epicenter of such a kingdom. She walked us throughsome sort of fish pizza (ugh), taught us about bird feeders and answered such questions like "How do I store dried herbs?" and "Do you hav a line of cabinets?" Of course nobody asked my questions, "Seriously, how much fucking money do you have?" or "Do you wear a white tongety-tong-tong after Labor Day?" During commercials she was all business, never cracking a smile as her peeps hovered around her. Until, of course, she cut one. "Dang boiled peanuts" I heard her say, laughing.
The negative? The warm-up guy had us clapping, standing, ooohing and mmmmm-ing throughout; by halfway through I was fucking exhausted. Jesus christ. If I'm in the same room as Martha and I'm drenched in sweat she better be cooing in my ear "please get the fuck off me now", know what I mean? Well, and she spent a lil too much time pretending she cared about it being MLK Day. A mention from her on the subject is appropriate; her claiming that she wrote "most, but not EVERY" Negro spiritual seemed a bit much. Tho I did notice she apparently gave all her black employees the day off. Hmm. Cough.
Off the charts rich, hot for being 92 years old and S-I-N-G-L-E. These are a few of my favorite things, Martha - don't blow it. I await your email.
The negative? The warm-up guy had us clapping, standing, ooohing and mmmmm-ing throughout; by halfway through I was fucking exhausted. Jesus christ. If I'm in the same room as Martha and I'm drenched in sweat she better be cooing in my ear "please get the fuck off me now", know what I mean? Well, and she spent a lil too much time pretending she cared about it being MLK Day. A mention from her on the subject is appropriate; her claiming that she wrote "most, but not EVERY" Negro spiritual seemed a bit much. Tho I did notice she apparently gave all her black employees the day off. Hmm. Cough.
Off the charts rich, hot for being 92 years old and S-I-N-G-L-E. These are a few of my favorite things, Martha - don't blow it. I await your email.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Ladies, ladies...
.....and don't forget, the official Mrs. Xmastime lists will be up Monday. ish. Sorry to make you gals wait through the weekend again, but hey....the price you pay for dipping your toes in the backwash that is the Mrs. Xmastime Pool...oh goody, evidently I'm still drunk.
5 Songs I Like Today
"Little Red Book" - Love
"Winter" The Rolling Stones
"Love Comes in Spurts" - Richard Hell & the Voidoids
"Jack" - Idle
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" - Band Aid
"Winter" The Rolling Stones
"Love Comes in Spurts" - Richard Hell & the Voidoids
"Jack" - Idle
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" - Band Aid
....
and don't worry, once I got home I made sure to take the time to leave a ridiculously drunken message with a girl I was once in love with. "awluhhvt qwpuoihvt wuoiphwu9iphsuihfsguiwsgu7wu7wguigihhbisdbhkdsbjkxcugypWCU98WQUHADBIJKADhji]s890uwe89ru74u9iwiub ufsbdfbskjsabfsajkbcskjnc askjbc sa hsac bhasciajscuiasciuwqw9uiqwuiqwbihcbihjHJKBJKB!"
exactly.
exactly.
Hung the Fizzuck Over
Good lord. Head is fucking killing me; I don't even remember hiring a kangaroo to rat-a-tat-tat my head for 2 hours last night. Ugh. Barely makes up for the sweet vindication I will have with Op next year when Brady Quinn throws 11 touchdowns in the first of his 9 consecutive Super Bowl wins. Will be fun rubbing his face in it; maybe I can get him to cry in front of his wife and son? I have a year to figure something out. Just got off the phone with The Barber, I apologized for grabbing him by the throat and throwing him to the ground at The Nest last night. He replied "don't be sorry, I got right back up." which for some reason cracks me up. And fuck David Beckham. I believe you people know how I fel about soccer. This stupid deal, $50M a year, will bankrupt the leaguue. Every 4 years we gotta hear about how soccer's gonna blow up, it never happens and it ain't now. “But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “the ladies love him!!" Yes. That's great. But are they gonna be shelling out $150 to sit a mile up in the bleachers when they can spend $1.50 to see closeups of him in InTouch every week? Hellz no. That's not how a menage-mois works, peoples. This whole thing will pick up 3 new fans, we'll hafta sit through weeks of "this is it!! soccer's taking over america!!" before it dies as usual.
anwyways. Now I'm starving. Been thinking a lot lately about putting deviled ham spread on italian suasage, wrapped up in a just-barely-melting fat fucking slice of provolone. We'll see. Oh goody, Brokeback is on.
anwyways. Now I'm starving. Been thinking a lot lately about putting deviled ham spread on italian suasage, wrapped up in a just-barely-melting fat fucking slice of provolone. We'll see. Oh goody, Brokeback is on.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today
"Leadership" - DT & the Shakes
"Tired of Today" - Rational Herdsmen
"Broken Pieces" - The Undecided
"With the People" - Drivin n Cryin
"Nightmares" - Violent Femmes
"Tired of Today" - Rational Herdsmen
"Broken Pieces" - The Undecided
"With the People" - Drivin n Cryin
"Nightmares" - Violent Femmes
Bout Time for Me to Become a Dodgers Fan...
"...oh, garcon? nother dodger dawg, please. snappity snap!"
The Speech
Well. No reason to blather here, yall know how I feel about the ridiculousness of this "plan." Send in a few more soldiers to die in the next 24 months, just enough to keep us there till W can leave office and hand off the quagmire to the next guy and go back to clearing brush in Crawford. We're supposed to give this asshole another chance,"oooh, THIS time it's going to work!!" even though these people have spent 5 years being 100% absolutely wrong at every turn, at every single moment. These people have been right about nothing, and here we are "OOOOOOOOOOkay, we'll give you one more chance...." The patience we have with this is stunning. Where does this credibility come from? A man unbelievably not qualified to even be President, not even really elected his first term, had 53 million people vote against him the next time and now has a qb rating that looks up at Rex Grossman, and he's entitled to another chance with thousands of lives? Oh well. Who can even get angry at this point? It's a joke. He looked pathetic last night, it all just seemed sad that we've let it come to this.
Tell you what I did like, though. Throughout the night I'd flash over to Fox News. Every other channel, heated debates about the speech. Fox News? Sea lion doing sit ups. Wow! Thanks! Gee. Oh, and Ann Coulter is all of a sudden interested in the Duke lacrosse case. Hmmm. It's mystery!!!
Tell you what I did like, though. Throughout the night I'd flash over to Fox News. Every other channel, heated debates about the speech. Fox News? Sea lion doing sit ups. Wow! Thanks! Gee. Oh, and Ann Coulter is all of a sudden interested in the Duke lacrosse case. Hmmm. It's mystery!!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
BayonneMike
Check out my buddy Mike at
http://lamentations-bayonnemike.blogspot.com/
Op dubbed it "Jersey-noir, with plenty of boy-kissing to boot." Okay, I made up the Jeresy part. Hiyoooooooo!!! Enjoy.
http://lamentations-bayonnemike.blogspot.com/
Op dubbed it "Jersey-noir, with plenty of boy-kissing to boot." Okay, I made up the Jeresy part. Hiyoooooooo!!! Enjoy.
5 Songs I Like Today
"Superman" - REM
"I Need Your Love" - The Ramones
"Mr. Moonlight" - The Beatles
"Head On" - Pixies
"I'm Gonna Be a Wheel Someday" - Fats Domino
"I Need Your Love" - The Ramones
"Mr. Moonlight" - The Beatles
"Head On" - Pixies
"I'm Gonna Be a Wheel Someday" - Fats Domino
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Don't Worry, I Ain't Forgotten...
....will have my official updated Mrs. Xmastime list up before the end of the week. Feel free to send pictures of yourself if you'd like to be a write-in candidate. Unless you have an Adam's apple. And by "unless you have an Adam's apple", I mean "unless you have a dick that you could stick into Mrs. Xmastime, thereby rendering Xmastime useless and chewing on his fist bawling while playing the '...and the way I feel tonite, I could die and I wouldn't mind...' line from 'Head On' over and over." So. Stay tuned!
5 Songs I Like Today
"The Hardest Walk" - The Jesus & Mary Chain
"Oh No! (Here it Comes again)" - Camper Van Beethoven
"She Pays the Rent" - The Lyres
"Talk about Love" - Dolly (sigh)
"Terms of Psychic Warfare" - Husker Du (add your own umlauts wif a pencil)
"Oh No! (Here it Comes again)" - Camper Van Beethoven
"She Pays the Rent" - The Lyres
"Talk about Love" - Dolly (sigh)
"Terms of Psychic Warfare" - Husker Du (add your own umlauts wif a pencil)
Shooting Mike Lupica
Last night’s BCS game was pretty terrible, nailing home the ridiculousness of how long a layoff it is from the end of the season to the “big game.” OSU had 51 DAYS between it’s final game of the season and last night’s game. 51 days!!!! Jesus. Florida wasn’t much better off, but did play 3 games in that time. To put it in perspective, various NFL teams played 8 games between OSU’s games. And to even schedule bowl games after January 1 is becoming more and more ridiculous; how long til we have one in February? Laugh now, but would you ever have dreamed of the Super Bowl being in February, or the World Series butting up on November? Can we PLEASE drop this guise of “gee, but the players are hitting the books for finals in December!” crap and get what is supposed to be THE most important game of the year played while we can still vaguely remember who the hell the teams are? Christmas vacation is about 3 weeks, you’re telling me we can’t schedule a 4-team playoff while these dudes are otherwise sitting at home eating turkey legs or shooting up 7-11s? camon……even if God showed up and said that Mark McGuire did not roid up, there’s no way he gets my vote to go into the Hall of Fame. 1) no glove at all 2) ALL he did was hit homers. And when that’s the ONLY thing you do and that is under suspicion, sorry, but you’re out. At least Canseco could steal bases. My #1 reason I would never vote him in:
Career hits: 1,626 Career strikeouts: 1,596
1,600 hits, and only 30 more hits than strikeouts for his career!???!? No way. So even if you remove the roids issue, he’s no HOFer in my book….and Mark, your crying, worthless jag in front of Congress did not help you….nor did making out with your son at home plate after you hit #62….my boy over at Unconquerable Gladness has me falling in love with Gilbert Arenas…and yes, check out me being drunk on the same page….my high school football team’s record while I played: 4-26…..since I left: 151-9…..great….I don’t understand why the Yankees need another first basemen; every time I see Andy Phillips, he’s tearing the hide off the ball, and he’s a great fielder…and this newest douchebag is the guy that played 50 games for the Red Sox then refused to give up the world Series ball….I will openly cry if Bernie plays for another team…Coughlin needs to go; not cause he’s a bad coach but because even with Tiki gone, that locker room is ridiculous….bad group of players to work with, complete jackoffs….and Eli sucks…..The Michael Vick experiment is over….we can stop worrying about being branded as racists – put him in the slot and let Matt Schaub qb…..have you heard more crying than the Dolphins’ fans about Saban leaving? “ooooh, he lied to us, he’s mean boo-hoo-hoooooooo”...stop crying, now you can get a coach who actually wants to be there….it’s not even that they’re pissed he’s leaving, it’s how he did it….like an NFL coach should be our gold standard for the Golden Rule…has there ever been anyone on earth more tone deaf than this President? Out of 6 billion people in the world, exactly 1 wants to “surge” with more troops…how many more times can we say “no” before we can claim date-rape? At least Clinton got us drugged up on peace and prosperity before slipping up for chrissakes….I hope Sen. Brownback gets busted for doing something gay, I have a pile of “Brownback Mountain” jokes lined up…will we get to see Brady Quinn’s sister when he hits the NFL?....one jv basketball game, I scored 13 of our 25 points against King William…afterwards tried the line from “Teen Wolf” ‘dammit guys, I can’t do everything!!’….got no laughs….Heather Mitts, hot…Mia Hamm, not…and I can’t wait for Michelle Wie to hit 18…that's right, I won't link your picture if you're not hot...this whole Trump episode sucks cause now it’s making me hate his daughter, who I was gonna do…freezer burn: not a fan….tonite’s tv watch…”My Boys”, I’m hooked and I don’t know why.
Career hits: 1,626 Career strikeouts: 1,596
1,600 hits, and only 30 more hits than strikeouts for his career!???!? No way. So even if you remove the roids issue, he’s no HOFer in my book….and Mark, your crying, worthless jag in front of Congress did not help you….nor did making out with your son at home plate after you hit #62….my boy over at Unconquerable Gladness has me falling in love with Gilbert Arenas…and yes, check out me being drunk on the same page….my high school football team’s record while I played: 4-26…..since I left: 151-9…..great….I don’t understand why the Yankees need another first basemen; every time I see Andy Phillips, he’s tearing the hide off the ball, and he’s a great fielder…and this newest douchebag is the guy that played 50 games for the Red Sox then refused to give up the world Series ball….I will openly cry if Bernie plays for another team…Coughlin needs to go; not cause he’s a bad coach but because even with Tiki gone, that locker room is ridiculous….bad group of players to work with, complete jackoffs….and Eli sucks…..The Michael Vick experiment is over….we can stop worrying about being branded as racists – put him in the slot and let Matt Schaub qb…..have you heard more crying than the Dolphins’ fans about Saban leaving? “ooooh, he lied to us, he’s mean boo-hoo-hoooooooo”...stop crying, now you can get a coach who actually wants to be there….it’s not even that they’re pissed he’s leaving, it’s how he did it….like an NFL coach should be our gold standard for the Golden Rule…has there ever been anyone on earth more tone deaf than this President? Out of 6 billion people in the world, exactly 1 wants to “surge” with more troops…how many more times can we say “no” before we can claim date-rape? At least Clinton got us drugged up on peace and prosperity before slipping up for chrissakes….I hope Sen. Brownback gets busted for doing something gay, I have a pile of “Brownback Mountain” jokes lined up…will we get to see Brady Quinn’s sister when he hits the NFL?....one jv basketball game, I scored 13 of our 25 points against King William…afterwards tried the line from “Teen Wolf” ‘dammit guys, I can’t do everything!!’….got no laughs….Heather Mitts, hot…Mia Hamm, not…and I can’t wait for Michelle Wie to hit 18…that's right, I won't link your picture if you're not hot...this whole Trump episode sucks cause now it’s making me hate his daughter, who I was gonna do…freezer burn: not a fan….tonite’s tv watch…”My Boys”, I’m hooked and I don’t know why.
Monday, January 08, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today
"My Happiness"
"One Night with You"
"Suspicious Minds"
"Blue Moon of Kentucky"
"Always On My Mind"
"One Night with You"
"Suspicious Minds"
"Blue Moon of Kentucky"
"Always On My Mind"
Happy Birthday
to The King.
Must say, the older I get the more Elvis means to me. I guess when you're a kid you hear him on the radio all the time, and it's always those worthless stupid cuts like "Don't Be Cruel" or "Teddy Bear." When you get older you can really sink your teeth into the Sun stuff, and then his great comeback at the end of the 60s, a great run which included "Suspicious Minds", "Kentucky Rain", "In the Ghetto" and "Burning Love", together with my slice of slices, his Vegas '68 Comeback. Plus, you realize he spend millions of sessions recording his true love, gospel. Any chance you have to buy Elvis gospel, do. Heartbreaking, amazing stuff. I vaguely remember Elvis' death, mostly I remember my Elvis trading cards from the country store down the road and my mother for years afterwards shaking her head, moaning wistfully that no matter how fat/crazy etc he was by the end, "he never lost that voice." Elvis was never Chuck or Buddy or Little Richard, but that voice, that voice that voice that voice.
Also, my first time visiting Graceland had my buddy Ryan videotape myself pretending to piss on the wall outside. Which, of course played well with the guy at the gate, who closed it in my face as I tried to enter. "Piss on this, big guy." Hmm. Did finally get in months later and man, is there anything stranger than this place? You spend n hour walking through, laughing at the sheer 60s-ness and absurdity, making fun of everything then BAM! turn the corner, there's his grave. Dag, you think, can I get a warning?
Anyways, Happy Birfday!
Friday, January 05, 2007
The Mrs. Xmastime Top 10 Has 2 New Entries
original Mrs. Xmastime list HERE
Shannon Elizabeth and Uma Thurman. Uma in particular might find herself in the Hallowed Top 5; my hesitancy coming from thinking I might be swooning for her partly cause she reminds me of someone I was in love with, so adding love-fuel to that psychotic fire is best to be held in check by cold-blooded rationale. But sleep well Uma, I got a feeling you'll do fine. and Shannon, now that you dumped that loser husband of yours, all you gotta do is keep showing up on Lifetime movies with your lipstick sticking to your teeth and you can coast for years.
Of course, this means two of you lovely Mrs. Xmastimes are gonna have to go. This has always been, to me, the hardest part of choosing Mrs. Xmastime: the cuts. 2 very worthy ladies will have to be told that no matter how great they are, there just isn't any room for them on this short list. And I'm sorry for that. And I know having to wait through this interim while I decide only makes it harder; it means everyone on the list must spend the weekend wondering if they're the ones cut. Unless, of course, you once played Clair Huxtable on a major NBC sitcom in the 80's. Then you're safe.
You know, all these hot chicks having to wonder if they're one of the casualties here reminds me of something from my youth. Football my juunior year we got a new coach. Bubba Hooker. Was crazy as his name suggests. Had never coached high school before, only college, so his level of intensity was a liiiiiiittle higher than our homespun collection of rednecks, Adidas-wearing black kids and one in particular stunningly handsome, big-dicked, God-affirming slice of humana perfecta who did not tread on this earth as much as float. So practice begins in August, I guess the first week or so we don't use pads, we're just getting in condition, learning plays etc. MAYBE kissing a little, but not much. Then the first day with pads we basically spend 3 hours in 100-degree heat beating the shit out of each other; doing drill after drill where there's not even a ball involved, just whistles and hits. Hit hit hit hit hit. So anyway, the next day Coach is yammering and he tells us that he liked what he had seen the day before, we all hit hard and worked, etc etc. And he said that he only saw one coward amongst us, one coward who was scared of getting hit. We were like whaaa....looking around at each other, wondering who the fuck he could be talking about. He never said who he meant, and we all remembered that comment. You'd wonder throughout the season, was Coach talking about ME?? fuck him! and you'd really pin your ears back and wail on some motherfuckers. For years, we wondered who had he been talking about.
Of course many years later, I bolted straight up in bed as it flashed on me: it was a trick!! There wasn't one guy he had seen as a coward; he wanted each of us to think it was ourselves and push us to play wuith fury, unhinged agression driven white-hot by having our young manhoods challenged. Ha! Brilliant, I thought, shaking my head. Fucking brilliant.
Of course, it didn't work THAT great, as him being a bit of a psycho trimmed our team down from 51 guys to 16 and we won exactly one game. But hey. I never forgot that, and I think of it now as all these beautiful ladies have to go to bed tonite wondering if it's them that's not good enough, not pretty enough etc etc. Maybe it will drive them to hit the gym, get a titty job or jerk me off in the back of Topps Grocery Store, I dunno. But remember ladies, even if you are dropped to the 11th and 12th spots, I will still do you. There's "losing" and then there's "Xmastime won't fuck me."
Shannon Elizabeth and Uma Thurman. Uma in particular might find herself in the Hallowed Top 5; my hesitancy coming from thinking I might be swooning for her partly cause she reminds me of someone I was in love with, so adding love-fuel to that psychotic fire is best to be held in check by cold-blooded rationale. But sleep well Uma, I got a feeling you'll do fine. and Shannon, now that you dumped that loser husband of yours, all you gotta do is keep showing up on Lifetime movies with your lipstick sticking to your teeth and you can coast for years.
Of course, this means two of you lovely Mrs. Xmastimes are gonna have to go. This has always been, to me, the hardest part of choosing Mrs. Xmastime: the cuts. 2 very worthy ladies will have to be told that no matter how great they are, there just isn't any room for them on this short list. And I'm sorry for that. And I know having to wait through this interim while I decide only makes it harder; it means everyone on the list must spend the weekend wondering if they're the ones cut. Unless, of course, you once played Clair Huxtable on a major NBC sitcom in the 80's. Then you're safe.
You know, all these hot chicks having to wonder if they're one of the casualties here reminds me of something from my youth. Football my juunior year we got a new coach. Bubba Hooker. Was crazy as his name suggests. Had never coached high school before, only college, so his level of intensity was a liiiiiiittle higher than our homespun collection of rednecks, Adidas-wearing black kids and one in particular stunningly handsome, big-dicked, God-affirming slice of humana perfecta who did not tread on this earth as much as float. So practice begins in August, I guess the first week or so we don't use pads, we're just getting in condition, learning plays etc. MAYBE kissing a little, but not much. Then the first day with pads we basically spend 3 hours in 100-degree heat beating the shit out of each other; doing drill after drill where there's not even a ball involved, just whistles and hits. Hit hit hit hit hit. So anyway, the next day Coach is yammering and he tells us that he liked what he had seen the day before, we all hit hard and worked, etc etc. And he said that he only saw one coward amongst us, one coward who was scared of getting hit. We were like whaaa....looking around at each other, wondering who the fuck he could be talking about. He never said who he meant, and we all remembered that comment. You'd wonder throughout the season, was Coach talking about ME?? fuck him! and you'd really pin your ears back and wail on some motherfuckers. For years, we wondered who had he been talking about.
Of course many years later, I bolted straight up in bed as it flashed on me: it was a trick!! There wasn't one guy he had seen as a coward; he wanted each of us to think it was ourselves and push us to play wuith fury, unhinged agression driven white-hot by having our young manhoods challenged. Ha! Brilliant, I thought, shaking my head. Fucking brilliant.
Of course, it didn't work THAT great, as him being a bit of a psycho trimmed our team down from 51 guys to 16 and we won exactly one game. But hey. I never forgot that, and I think of it now as all these beautiful ladies have to go to bed tonite wondering if it's them that's not good enough, not pretty enough etc etc. Maybe it will drive them to hit the gym, get a titty job or jerk me off in the back of Topps Grocery Store, I dunno. But remember ladies, even if you are dropped to the 11th and 12th spots, I will still do you. There's "losing" and then there's "Xmastime won't fuck me."
5 Songs I Like Today
"Left Here in the Dark" - The Vertebrats
"Saturday Night" - Bay City Rollers
"Fortunate Son" - CC f'n R
"Graduation Day" - Vitamin C shoutout to ECW!!
"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC dedicated to Watty, via Bill "I can now apply to coach in the NND" Cowher
"Saturday Night" - Bay City Rollers
"Fortunate Son" - CC f'n R
"Graduation Day" - Vitamin C shoutout to ECW!!
"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC dedicated to Watty, via Bill "I can now apply to coach in the NND" Cowher
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I Can't Believe it's 2007. I Wanna Throw Up
I can't believe it's 2007. How fucking depressing. I mean, it's not like I can barely remember 20 years ago; 20 years ago I was in NINTH GRADE!!! Totally conscious, the devil of puberty stabbing me with his evil pitchfork. Whatever that means. I mean, I remember 9th grade for chrissakes. This time in 1987, we were in the middle of the jv basketball season. I guess the main highlight being the last game of the season when Dennis Blagmon threw ice that hit Coach Futchko in the eye. Or, as he was affectionately known, Coach Futchko. Hmm. Well, and there was Kevin Brown quitting the team the day we got issued uniforms cause he didn't want to wear, and I quote, "the fag shorts." Actually, now that I think of it, our coach that year wasn't Futchko, it was Coach Barley. He was a 6'6" black man, so when you'd meet him on the court you'd think wow, this guy must be incredible. Then you'd see him play. The only way to describe his amazing non-coordination is the way his body flailed around, it looked like he was fighting off a swarm of bees. Unreal. When he wasn't accidentally elbowing your head into submission with one of his 14-inch elbows he was inexplicably falling to the ground. You'd toss him the ball, next thing you know bam! He's down. Luckily for us, he was even worse as a coach, his two big pieces of advice being "don't forget to breathe" and, when the ball was loose, "fightfightfightfightfight!" Brilliant. My big dream was to arrange it so a teammate collapsed on the floor, and when Barley went running to his unconscious body and asked what happened I'd slowly shake my head and say "Forgot to breathe. Poor bastard." Well, I also dreamed of gettin my mitts on some female chest fat, but at least the basketball dream seemed plausible.
Fall of my ninth grade year was football. I can't recall too much except that I was a 6'1" 170-pound mix of rope steel and sinew who could run like a deer and hit like a runaway fright train. Well, that's how I remember it anyways. Don't remember too much of the actual games, other than we went 3-5. God rewarded my cockiness after such a "successful" season with 4 wins the rest of my high school career. Great. Also, this was my first year of jv football, as my parents hadn't allowed me to play the year before as an 8th-grader. The reason? The year before THAT, when my older brother was in the 8th grade my mother was 8 months pregnant when the season was to start and was like there's no way in hell I'm sitting out in the baking heat for this. So since he didn't play, it made perfect sense to my parents that the next year, when I was in 8th grade, I wasn't to play. Strange parenting, you say? Maybe. But my brother and I turned out just fine - him with his huge house, successful career, wife and kid and me with my amazing memory of everyone's birthday and a cyst on my back I call "Franklyn." So we're fine. I think the only thing I remember from baseball season that spring was one day at practice I showed up in white sweatpants and a white t-shirt and, in a nod to my Irish pastiness, my buddy Mike said "Xmas, put on some clothes." Reckon that's all I remember.
Chicks, I dunno...I remember having a crush on TC, who 2 years later would become my first girlfriend and first love. Also LS, who for about 10 years had a weird thing with me, one year she'd be into me and I wouldn't be into her, then the next year the roles would be reversed. Could never get on the same page. Which sucks looking back cause she was crazy hot. And for those reading this that I went to high school with I mean Lee Sebren, not Libby Sill. I shoulda gotten together with her, not TC; always had a connection with her. Of course I haven't seen her in 17 years, so don't look for me to show up on the next Rachel Ray show about high school sweethearts who found love after 20 years.
I remember my classes too. Geometry with Mr. Edwards,who drove a puke green van and had a wife who sometimes subbed and was so frightening looking we called her King Kong. And as I'm typing this I'm hoping the real King Kong doesn't read this, as he'd be insulted. Apprarently, this was also in the days when a teacher could keep a bottle of vodka in her desk too. I guess if you're that ugly, you need something to poke other people's eyes out. I did get sent to the office for fooling around in class with the "secret devil sign", that was exciting. Latin II I ruled; for some reason I could read Latin like a mf. Which luckily, as it turns out, means as much to the ladies as great looks or money. Hmm. Plus our teacher was so old I'm not saying she invented the language, but her social security number was XXIV. I mean her first name was "SVSAN", for chrissakes. And she was addicted to "Jeopardy!", so if in the first 5 minutes of class we could get her distracted by bringing last night?s show up, she'd start blathering away about it till the bell rang. If bringing up"Jeopardy!" didn't work, I'd hang brain in front of her desk so she could lecture me for 45 minutes that "a young mans testes, no matter how large, pulsing and beautiful are NOT to be displayed in a classroom" blahblah blah, bell! English 9 was with Mrs. Moore, who was a great teacher but was unfortunate enough to not only weigh 300 pounds, but had a face that LITERALLY looked like a pig, so...Earth Science was Mr. Hewitt, who gave so many bonus points on quizzes and tests that if you didn't get a score of at least 136 you'd feel like a fucking retard. And he'd pass out candy. Candy?!?!!?! Christ. Though looking back, I wonder if any of it was date-rape candy. That'd be kinda cool. Gym class was great. The class would be 55 minutes long, if I recall. Well, the first five minutes we'd be in the locker room changing etc. And by "etc" I mean "pretending to not look at each other's dicks." The next 40 minutes would consist of us sitting in the bleachers while Mr. Mitchell, he of 400 pounds and a wandering glass eye, would take roll and yell for us to calm down. That would leave exactly 5 minutes of physical fitness, then five more minutes of changing/checking out dicks. Fun. The next year Mr. Mitchell was our Driver's ed teacher; class each day consisted of him being 10 minutes late, and you know how rowdy a class will get unsupervised for that long. Every day like clockwork, he'd come storming in, man-titties flappin and glass eyeball about to shatter, slam the door and start screaming at us that because we were goofing off instead of quietly studying how to drive, we were gonna get in a car and immediately kill everyone else on the open road. Of course he would fill up all 45 minutes of class screaming at us that we were gonna kill everyone instead of teaching us how to, you know, drive safely. Oh, and I had computer class, that was a waste. We had 2 computers I think they got from Food Lion or something. This was 1987, and the class was "Basic." We learned how to turn the units on and off, how to insert a floppy disk, and the ol?
10 PRINT "XMASTIME"
20 GOTO 10
30 RUN
and then we'd squeal with glee as our name would be printed over and over. Wow. These lessons took up the first 2 days of class; what the hell we did the other 178 days of class I have no fucking idea. What was great was the teacher was Mr. Whitaker, who was the varsity basketball coach. This would seem natural, right? Computers hit the school for the first time ever - the future of mankind, the greatest technological achievement of our lifetimes, and who do they get to "teach" it? The basketball coach. Basketball, computer science, what's the difference. One time in class Tommy Waters, who was, to say it nicely, never under suspicion of being the manliest dude in the room, pitched a fit. "We never learn anything! You haven't taught us a thing, we never do anything in here! I'm going to report you to the school board!!" to which Coach replies "go ahead, I need the publicity." This man was also our trigonometry teacher, another baffling choice. We had a guy in our trig class Brian, who was a math whiz. Every time there was a test or a quiz Brian would be the first to turn his in, and we?d all take a break and watch Coach grading Brian's paper at his desk. He'd get out his answer key and start checking Brian's answers. You could see him going down the page with each problem: number one, check, number two, check, number three...now his head would go from Brian's paper to his answer key, then back to Brian's paper, then he'd take his eraser out, change the answer he had in his answer key to whatever answer Brian had, and move on. Unreal. Oh, and I had Biology too. This was Mr. Robertson, who was 100 years old, had taught everybody's grandfather. What the fuck - apparently at my school to be a teacher you had to either be old enough to have invented your field of study, or big enough to eat it. Christ. You could tell he hadn't changed a thing in his classroom since 1959 either; the weird stuff in formaldehyde you always have in thes back rooms. 2-headed cat, the dog with 6 legs, Jayne Mansfield's head. He also was hysterical when he'd rattle off, what were they, genome codes or whatever, he'd be like "...alright...copy this down...the genome makeup for...the...frog is.....bigTlittleTlittleTlittleTbigTbigTlittleTbigTbigTbigTbigTlittleTbigTbigTlittleTbigTlittleTlittleTlittleT and..,,,,,.bigT." Meanwhile you're still writing "The Cars suck" on your paper.
20 years. Christ. And if I took 10 minutes, I'm sure I could remember a bunch more. I don't care about getting old, but getting old having accomplished NOTHING is starting to creep up on me. Ah well. At least I don't wear my skin-tight, comes up just below the nutsack Ocean Pacific gym shorts anymore.
5 Songs I Like Today
"1952 Vincent Black Lightning" - Richard Thompson
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (live) - U2
"Back in Black" - AC/DC
"Banging Camp" - The Hold Steady
"Ethanol" - Idle
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (live) - U2
"Back in Black" - AC/DC
"Banging Camp" - The Hold Steady
"Ethanol" - Idle
Stupid Is as...What Was I Saying?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/03/AR2007010301611_pf.html
(sorry, my links thing is effed up)
Amazing, isn't it? Apparently an oversized sense of entitlement can be contagious, and the entire Republican Party have caught the bug from the White House. Just like their stance on torture, these idiots have chosen to stand with their arms crossed and bottom lip stuck out whining "Let us do what we wanna do no matter what, tell us what we want to hear, bwwwwaaaaaaaaa!!!!" What? THIS is the best the GOP think tank can come up with: act like a spoiled baby-dick with a full diaper? Unbelievable. would love to be a fly on the wall at those bull sessions. But here's what kills me - just like with torture in this war, this "strategy" ta-da! DOES NOT WORK. In both cases, it's not even like we can complain "well, I don't approve of the methods, but it sure gets results..." With torture, either we're doing it on someone who is innocent and scared shitless and therefore will say anything to get out of being waterboardrd, be it the truth or not, or we're doing it to someone whose very reason for being is to die a martyr and is more than willing to die at the hands of the filthy Americans. And now we have a Republican Congress who thinks acting like this is gonna make things go their way. Absurd. This is what the brainiacs have come up with. This is what shocks me every day with this gang - their sheer, for lack of a better word, stupidity. It'd be one thing if they were conniving and brilliant and actually got shit done right, even while being deceitful; but every day we're confronted with yet another case of head-shaking stupidity. A smaller example is Guiliani's playbook landing in the hands of enemies. Which, of course he is outraged about, that someone would stoop so low as to find the dossier and take advantage of it. I'm sure he would've returned Obama's book without looking in it and leaking it. Hmm. Hey, maybe it was innocently lost, maybe there were nefarious goings on, maybe Hillary blew someone to get it, doesn't matter - the point is, someone in his camp was fucking stupid enough to let such a simple, asinine thing happen. It's as simple as that.
And now that they don't have absolute power to shove down our throats anymore, these jackasses are actually standing up in public and demanding that we forget their sheer incompetence, their staggering stupidity and their arrogance and, to phrase their leader, "Stay the Course." Unbelievable.
And one last word on stupidity and entitlement...I'm declaring a moratorium on making fun of Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie et al. No more "dissing" them for being so rich and famous and in the news all the time for no real talent or reason when the very people that are laughing and making such derogatory claims are the same ones that voted someone just like them into the White House. Say what you want, but W got in because he's ridiculously rich, hyper-connected and was a floating, semi-jobless celeb who always brought the best blow to the party. He is the Paris Hilton of Presidents. Unqualified, vacuous and a fucking joke. Of course, the difference is her worst crime is showing her crotch every 6 weeks. So until we actually vote someone in with some qualifications and at least a piece of a brain, lay off these chicks and think of the example that we as voters have set.
(sorry, my links thing is effed up)
Amazing, isn't it? Apparently an oversized sense of entitlement can be contagious, and the entire Republican Party have caught the bug from the White House. Just like their stance on torture, these idiots have chosen to stand with their arms crossed and bottom lip stuck out whining "Let us do what we wanna do no matter what, tell us what we want to hear, bwwwwaaaaaaaaa!!!!" What? THIS is the best the GOP think tank can come up with: act like a spoiled baby-dick with a full diaper? Unbelievable. would love to be a fly on the wall at those bull sessions. But here's what kills me - just like with torture in this war, this "strategy" ta-da! DOES NOT WORK. In both cases, it's not even like we can complain "well, I don't approve of the methods, but it sure gets results..." With torture, either we're doing it on someone who is innocent and scared shitless and therefore will say anything to get out of being waterboardrd, be it the truth or not, or we're doing it to someone whose very reason for being is to die a martyr and is more than willing to die at the hands of the filthy Americans. And now we have a Republican Congress who thinks acting like this is gonna make things go their way. Absurd. This is what the brainiacs have come up with. This is what shocks me every day with this gang - their sheer, for lack of a better word, stupidity. It'd be one thing if they were conniving and brilliant and actually got shit done right, even while being deceitful; but every day we're confronted with yet another case of head-shaking stupidity. A smaller example is Guiliani's playbook landing in the hands of enemies. Which, of course he is outraged about, that someone would stoop so low as to find the dossier and take advantage of it. I'm sure he would've returned Obama's book without looking in it and leaking it. Hmm. Hey, maybe it was innocently lost, maybe there were nefarious goings on, maybe Hillary blew someone to get it, doesn't matter - the point is, someone in his camp was fucking stupid enough to let such a simple, asinine thing happen. It's as simple as that.
And now that they don't have absolute power to shove down our throats anymore, these jackasses are actually standing up in public and demanding that we forget their sheer incompetence, their staggering stupidity and their arrogance and, to phrase their leader, "Stay the Course." Unbelievable.
And one last word on stupidity and entitlement...I'm declaring a moratorium on making fun of Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie et al. No more "dissing" them for being so rich and famous and in the news all the time for no real talent or reason when the very people that are laughing and making such derogatory claims are the same ones that voted someone just like them into the White House. Say what you want, but W got in because he's ridiculously rich, hyper-connected and was a floating, semi-jobless celeb who always brought the best blow to the party. He is the Paris Hilton of Presidents. Unqualified, vacuous and a fucking joke. Of course, the difference is her worst crime is showing her crotch every 6 weeks. So until we actually vote someone in with some qualifications and at least a piece of a brain, lay off these chicks and think of the example that we as voters have set.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
5 Songs I Like Today
1) That Girl Belongs to Yesterday – Gene Pitney
2) Modern World – The Pogues
3) Broken Pieces – The Undecided
4) Lion’s Den – Bruce Springsteen
5) Our Town – Iris DeMent
2) Modern World – The Pogues
3) Broken Pieces – The Undecided
4) Lion’s Den – Bruce Springsteen
5) Our Town – Iris DeMent
So Far, So Good
2007. So far, so incredible.
1) 2 days, 2 orders of pork egg foo young. I have learned it’s smarter to just get the white rice; fried rice in these joints blow these days. Each grain is separate and tastes like rubber. Ugh. I like a nicely steamed, together rice. Know what else I’d like? A fucking delivery person who carries change. Every fucking time now, they’re surprised. "Oh, you don’t have exact change?" When did this fucking happen? My bill is $8, I gave you $20, hmmm, yeah, maybe if you stand there and act like you don’t have change I’ll say ah, fuck it, keep it buddy!! Pretend to search your pockets all you want Sing Ho, I can fucking wait. Just like 3am at the Nest when I’m waiting for "Homeless Doris" to spend the last of her disability check and have to go home with somebody, I can fucking wait.
2) Soon after the clock struck midnight, tried to do one of those only-in-the-movies sudden kisses on a girl. Much like in one of those only-in-lesbian-movies, ended up with nothing but hair in my mouth. Ugh.
3) While babysitting, I discovered that if even the slightest thing is out of place while handling an infant, he will scream and cry. If the bottle isn’t 100% perfect, screams. Plastic buckle barely touching him in his crib thingee? Screaming. But he doesn’t seem to mind it if, after eating, I put him over my shoulder to burp him and basically pound the hell out his back. Or if I go through the cabinets and touch every dish in the house with my nuts. Kids, eh?
4) Watched about 6 hours of a "MASH" marathon. Seriously, if the Professor was so smart, why can’t he fix the fucking boat?
5) Cat-sitting for a friend. Walked in the door, cat looks at me and immediately shits on the floor. Jokes on him, though – my very being is not synonymous with the word "pussy."
6) Found my senior year high school yearbook. Realized my dad had autographed it for me…"Son, you are a pussy." Hmm. Shitting cat 1, Xmastime 0.
7) Watched a bunch of the President Ford memorial stuff, finally shrugged and thought you know, the biggest thing about this guy is he was married to a fabulously rich alcoholic with one titty.
8) ….who is now single!!!!! (putting on Canoe cologne)
9) Wondered if I’d have sex in 2007, went to my trusty magic 8 ball. Gripped her tightly with both hands, closed my eyes and asked the question, opened my eyes and read "Not without buying me dinner first, fat ass."
2007. fucking christ.
1) 2 days, 2 orders of pork egg foo young. I have learned it’s smarter to just get the white rice; fried rice in these joints blow these days. Each grain is separate and tastes like rubber. Ugh. I like a nicely steamed, together rice. Know what else I’d like? A fucking delivery person who carries change. Every fucking time now, they’re surprised. "Oh, you don’t have exact change?" When did this fucking happen? My bill is $8, I gave you $20, hmmm, yeah, maybe if you stand there and act like you don’t have change I’ll say ah, fuck it, keep it buddy!! Pretend to search your pockets all you want Sing Ho, I can fucking wait. Just like 3am at the Nest when I’m waiting for "Homeless Doris" to spend the last of her disability check and have to go home with somebody, I can fucking wait.
2) Soon after the clock struck midnight, tried to do one of those only-in-the-movies sudden kisses on a girl. Much like in one of those only-in-lesbian-movies, ended up with nothing but hair in my mouth. Ugh.
3) While babysitting, I discovered that if even the slightest thing is out of place while handling an infant, he will scream and cry. If the bottle isn’t 100% perfect, screams. Plastic buckle barely touching him in his crib thingee? Screaming. But he doesn’t seem to mind it if, after eating, I put him over my shoulder to burp him and basically pound the hell out his back. Or if I go through the cabinets and touch every dish in the house with my nuts. Kids, eh?
4) Watched about 6 hours of a "MASH" marathon. Seriously, if the Professor was so smart, why can’t he fix the fucking boat?
5) Cat-sitting for a friend. Walked in the door, cat looks at me and immediately shits on the floor. Jokes on him, though – my very being is not synonymous with the word "pussy."
6) Found my senior year high school yearbook. Realized my dad had autographed it for me…"Son, you are a pussy." Hmm. Shitting cat 1, Xmastime 0.
7) Watched a bunch of the President Ford memorial stuff, finally shrugged and thought you know, the biggest thing about this guy is he was married to a fabulously rich alcoholic with one titty.
8) ….who is now single!!!!! (putting on Canoe cologne)
9) Wondered if I’d have sex in 2007, went to my trusty magic 8 ball. Gripped her tightly with both hands, closed my eyes and asked the question, opened my eyes and read "Not without buying me dinner first, fat ass."
2007. fucking christ.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
