Favorite Xmas Gift

New Year's Eve Lessons from The Master

Post by Snoopy.

FACT

The more intently I try to hear something on tv, the more likely tiny children will ignore their 2 playrooms and insist on playing within 3 feet of me as loudly as possible.

Goodbye Rex. Finally.

... I've been screaming for years and leads me to this: there is no shame in being a great Senator who has neither the desire nor the facility to be president any more than there is in being a great offensive or defensive coordinator without the desire or facility of being a head coach. I've used the Norv Turner example for years; only now does it occur me to apply it to Teddy. - XMASTIME

After all these years of buffoonery, the Jets finally fired Rex Ryan. Rex is the latest example of the above but even more so; just like his asshole dad he was made to be a defensive coordinator and not a head coach. He doesn't really care about offense and lives off that "hey, offense is for pussies, let's be against them too every week!" mentality. After a few years on the NFL Today or whatever hopefully he won't be Peter-principled into becoming a head coach again. And there's no shame in that, for fuck's sake.

Hmmm...

Via one of those Facebook "Which US President are You?" quizzes:

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “wasn't one of your first posts almost 10 years ago about this?"

Sigh. Yes it was, faithful readers. YES, it was.

A Tale of Two Pizzas

Although not as well-known for delivery as Domino's, there was a Little Caesars across from my freshman dorm that was happy to deliver to us. This was my entry into the world of pizza delivery; coming from a tiny town, pizza for  me meant an hour-long wait for my mother's car headlights after going in town to get one from Roma's. I was flabbergasted that you could pick up the phone and then a pizza would appear; if you looked ta my freshman year check book, although I wouldn't recommend it but hey you gotta be you, just about every entry you'd see would read LITTLE CAESARS.

Interesting article earlier this year, via Eater, on Little Caesars and Dominos, including this:

  It’s a fluke that the chains emerged from the same corner of Michigan at roughly the same time more than 50 years ago. Yet, in different ways, Domino’s and Little Caesars changed the way Americans eat pizza, helping to make it one of the country’s most popular foods. The pizza barons were great at selling pies. Now one wants to save Detroit, and the other wants to save everything else.

As for the 15 longform stories, do yourself a favor and read the one about the never-ending TGIF mozzarella sticks, which I remember from when it first appeared a few months ago. Feel the grease in your guts as he marches on.

And here's a little Xmastme holla for the ladies out there readng this.

The Interview

Not really a-propos of anything other than I'm too lazy right now to think of anything new & original, but the kerfuffle over the panic-inducing movie The Interview has reminded me of a time when we weren't so gotdam squeamish.

Ah, The Troops

Many, many times on Xmastime I've wondered about our paradox when it comes to the troops; our insistence that there is no more holy a duty than to proclaim our "support" of the troops while at the same time insisting they're locked in a series of never-ending wars (to the point that we've fooled ourselves into believing that questioning if they should one day come home "hurts their feelings" and therein morale), ripped away from their families for an unprecedented number of tours (including Reservists), re-electing Congressmen who gleefully cut their benefits every chance they get or use the troops' sexuality as a political weapon, and then not really wanting to be bothered to hear about it whenever someone points out the disturbingly steep incline of suicides.  We go on and on, every jerkoff with a camera or Facebook account desperately trying to out-do each other in an effort to BREAK THE RECORD!!! for showing how much they love the troops, numbed to any thoughts of even asking is it really worth it? - XMASTIME

Interesting Fallows article HERE re: our whole brainlessly-worship-the-troops-without-really-giving-a-shit:

This reverent but disengaged attitude toward the military—we love the troops, but we’d rather not think about them—has become so familiar that we assume it is the American norm. But it is not. When Dwight D. Eisenhower, as a five-star general and the supreme commander, led what may have in fact been the finest fighting force in the history of the world, he did not describe it in that puffed-up way. On the eve of the D-Day invasion, he warned his troops, “Your task will not be an easy one,” because “your enemy is well-trained, well-equipped, and battle-hardened.” As president, Eisenhower’s most famous statement about the military was his warning in his farewell address of what could happen if its political influence grew unchecked.

Further interesting note:

From Mister Roberts to South Pacific to Catch-22, from The Caine Mutiny to The Naked and the Dead to From Here to Eternity, American popular and high culture treated our last mass-mobilization war as an effort deserving deep respect and pride, but not above criticism and lampooning. The collective achievement of the military was heroic, but its members and leaders were still real people, with all the foibles of real life. A decade after that war ended, the most popular military-themed TV program was The Phil Silvers Show, about a con man in uniform named Sgt. Bilko. As Bilko, Phil Silvers was that stock American sitcom figure, the lovable blowhard—a role familiar from the time of Jackie Gleason in The Honeymooners to Homer Simpson in The Simpsons today. Gomer Pyle, USMC; Hogan’s Heroes; McHale’s Navy; and even the anachronistic frontier show F Troop were sitcoms whose settings were U.S. military units and whose villains—and schemers, and stooges, and occasional idealists—were people in uniform. American culture was sufficiently at ease with the military to make fun of it, a stance now hard to imagine outside the military itself.

Happy Xmas Eve!

Memory Lane, from 2012:

Paddy Mac, 2026 Heisman Trophy Winner!

I'm just kidding, he's a terrible football player. Weighs 46 pounds and, if we're being honest, hasn't really shown the drive to be the single best college football player in the nation, so.

Dinner is served.

"Hi! Where might I go should I wish to shit my pants?"

"Which one of you motherfuckers took my Newports??!!"

Sistatime!'s first mimosa of the day. Hey, it's 10:30am somewhere, right?

"So there's no Santa Claus, AND I hafta wear a helmet around the house. Great."

Dessert is served.

"Are you Santa Claus? No? Then get the hell outta here. Don't be fucking up this year's haul, asshole."

And We Know How They Feel About Dark Things...

Fact, III

If a kid shouts to you "no no, watch ME!" then the odds of them immediately hurting themselves are 100%

Fact, II

The 2 most-feared words in the English language when watching kids put on a curiously improvisational play: "And then..."

FACT

If you trail behind me poking me in the back while screaming at the top of your lungs you are LITERALLY the worst Hide & Seek hider ever.

And the Diminishment of American Exceptionalism Continues. #thanksobama

Well. This Window Has Been Naughty. #xmasdicklights

RIP Mrs. Baylock

A few years ago I was shocked to realize that the scariest woman in film history, The Omen's Mrs. Baylock, was smoking hot in her time.

Anyway, now she's dead. 


"I'll wait for you in Hell, Xmastime."

Happy Festivus!

Please feel free to air your grievances, of course.

State du Moi

3 year-old: "I need you to put this clip in my hair."
Me: "I don't know how to do that..."
3 year-old:  "It's a clip. You clip it."
Me: "...ah. Of course."

Wtf? du Jour

Cary Elwes just put out a memoir about the making of The Princess Bride. I just read through 3 pages of him describing the movie's plot for anyone who hadn't seen the movie. I'm sure his intentions were good but WHO THE FUCK IS READING THIS BOOK WHO HASN'T SEEN THE MOVIE?!?!?!

Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah

Joe Strummer died 12 years ago today. It's still the most shocking celebrity death for me. At least we knew Joey Ramone was sick, Joe just sat down on his couch and died. Billy Bragg:

"It's not just going to be people of my generation thinking of Joe," says Bragg, "but anybody who's ever picked up a guitar with the urge to change the world. We never go away. But something has gone now. A shining light has been snuffed out."

Lennon & McCartney and Some Idiots

550 artists answer the immortal question: Lennon or McCartney?

Here is the final tally of responses:
Lennon: 282
McCartney: 196
No answer: 50
Ringo Starr: 4
George Harrison: 15
Jimi Hendrix: 1
Lou Reed: 1
Keith Richards: 1
Oasis: 1

Some important observations: Adam Levine of Maroon 5 blew off the question; Australians (including Baz Luhrmann, Ben Lee, and the lead singer of Wolfmother) are very indecisive; Bo Diddley doesn't get The Beatles ("I don't understand what they're doing. Never have"); several yuksters made jokes about Vladimir Lenin; actress Caitlin Gerard voted for "Lemon;" Jack McBrayer is in awe of McCartney; Johnny Rotten chose Lennon, but "I've met McCartney and liked him, so that's a puzzlement;" Will.i.am is the worst ("McCartney with Lennon glasses"); and a special shoutout to Hungarian American director Nimrod Antal who went with "Oasis," which is objectively the correct answer.

I'm Guessing...

...the people who agree with Giuliani on this are the same people outraged at the idea of “politicizing” school shooting sprees by mentioning gun control.

West Wing Thought du Jour

Yet another bit of genius re: The West Wing is how much President Bartlet reflects both of his youngest senior staffers, Sam Seaborn and Josh Lyman. Sometimes I'll think "boy, he's exactly like Sam": super-smart nerd, filled with trivial facts (particular fondness for science/nature factoids) and supremely idealistic. Other times I'll think "boy, he's exactly like Josh": always the smartest political operative in the room, and funny (often to the great derision of others.) Very clever and telling that the President can be seen in the young bucks so clearly, and not just the old-guard of his own generation.

Originally sexily posted in 2008.

"I'll Make It"

Unlike its Hoosiers version Hickory Huskers, the 1954 Milan team it was based on did not barely scrape by teams it had no business being in the gym with; it steamrolled through a playoff run that included  double-digit win over a Crispus Attucks tam that featured a certain sophomore named Oscar Robertson.

In the very fist book I ever read on the subject, over 25 years ago as a high school junior, I remember reading that Milan coach Marvin Wood spent most of halftimes giving his players oranges and reading them poetry to calm them down for the 2nd half. This article on Lions coach Jim Caldwell reminded me of that:

He recites poetry and proverbs, draws from Nelson Mandela and Joe Torre, discusses humanism as naturally as he would a hitch route. He does not scream. He does not get angry. He does not curse, nor, longtime friends say, has he ever. If he cannot communicate his point without swearing, Caldwell reasons, then that is his fault.

Sounds like an interesting dude, a la Woody Hayes' endless reciting of Emerson.

Awesome du Jour

I don't know what's funnier about this...

...that Glenn Beck thinks 40 years from now film/video will look like it did in 1982, or everything else. #unintentionalcomedygold

The Williamsburg Bridge

Like anybody I guess, I assumed New York City began the second I walked in, and would disappear the moment I left. Just now I walked by my freight elevator, where a kid in his early 20's wearing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt was excitedly loading in boxes from what looked like his parents' minivan. - XMASTIME

I walked across and back the Williamsburg Bridge many times; it was a perfect hour walk door to door round-trip from 100 Metro. And it turns 111 today:

Even the MOVIES love you—you've been featured in City for Conquest (1940), A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (1945), The Naked City (1948), The French Connection (1971), Serpico and Live and Let Die (both 1973), Once Upon a Time in America (1984), Johnny Suede (1991), Scent of a Woman (1992), American Gangster (2007), The Siege (1998), Léon (1994), The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie (2005), and The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spider-Man (both 2012).

Christmas. It's getting sexier. #poptop

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Must say, I've given The Newsroom a lot of crap over the years but I do admire the chutzpah of Sorkin titling the finale What Kind of Day Has It Been. #westwingrulez

State du Moi

So far this week I seem to have a problem almost walking into people on the sidewalk. I go right they go right, I go left they go left. Wtf?

________________________________________________________________

“You said it, lil’ buddy,” I agreed. “No drinking tonight.  In bed by ten o’clock.  Big day tomorrow.”

“Rats!”

“Yeah.  You’re right lil’ buddy.”  We crossed over Grand Avenue and onto the sidewalk.  “I guess they’re all big from now on.”

I looked back up and found myself directly in front of a young girl within a throng of kids that had just been let out of school for the day.  I beared my right as she did her left, and then we both did the opposite back and forth for a few seconds, dancing wordlessly in front of each other, until she finally yelled to break the silence:

“Learn to swerve, motherfucker!”

The Last Hours of George Washington

Which, apparently, included a lot of bleeding:

Back in 1799, Washington’s physicians justified the removal of more than 80 ounces of his blood (2.365 liters or 40 percent of his total blood volume) over a 12-hour period in order to reduce the massive inflammation of his windpipe and constrict the blood vessels in the region.

"I'm on the $1 bill, motherfuckers! Quit cutting me!!!!"

Anarchy in the UK

I've worn this record out over & over since I was 14, and I still get blown away every time I hear it. Here's a ittle background #stevejonesisaBEAST

Interesting du Jour

It seems to me that the people who are pro-torture are also the ones who most vociferously fetishize the troops. Surely this is some sort of cruel paradox; can you think of a single worse thing that can happen to troops serving in hostile territory than last week’s torture report?

Of course they’d also set a precedent in that the same people are the ones who are always clamoring to put the troops in harm’s way in the first place, so. Curious.

Officepartycow

Someone still hasn't recovered from the office party.

Kids In Philly

I remember this clear as a bell, and now it's finally popped up online. Enjoy.

State du Moi

After 42 years, I think I just accidentally learned how to fold a t-shirt.

Life. It's really happening, isn't it?

Sandinista!, Baby

Today's the 34th anniversary of the release of The Clash's sprawling (to put it mildly) three-record Sandinista!  Listening to it now, part of its charm might be that you can't really pin it down to a single album. I remember reading a quote from Mick Jones once that the album was meant to be skipped around, and that if it had been released in the cd age its legacy would be different.

I'm so old that while in college I actually called Rolling Stone magazine and told them I wanted to write a college paper on the Clash. They were so baffled that they actually SENT mimeographed copies of every article on the Clash that had been in RS, along with a personal note "Greg - hope this helps, let me know how it goes." I still have the stuff they sent me; doing something like that in today's internet age is pretty unthinkable.

Okay, here's my single-album version early:

Hitsville UK
The Leader
Someone Got Murdered
Lose this Skin
Police on My Back
The Sound of the Sinners
Career Opportunities
Bankrobber (my artistic license, so suck it)
The Street Parade

I also feel this could be changed into a Christmas song.

Office Tote Bags

Shouldn’t the “Die Trying” be the line that’s crossed out? I mean, I’d like to be rich, not dead. Just saying.

NYC December

Nothing makes me miss New York City like December. Buzzfeed has a list of 21 Reasons Christmas in NYC Ruins You Forever.

Made me think of this post from back in December 2007. I'll post here so you don't have to hit a link which you weren't gonna fucking do anyway, right?

The only thing I like as much as complete and utter darkness outside is when it snows. And today, finally, brings the first snowfall of the year, which led me to start thinking about certain albums that snow reminds me of. Sometimes it's the sound, sometimes some stupid memory attached to it. Such as

The Replacements "Tim": any Replacements album has a fall/winterness to it. Tim sounds like winter cause of the reverb, plus I can still hear it as David English's huge gray truck pulls us out of a ditch on a snow day.
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The Replacements "Don't Tell a Soul": in love for the first time, listening to this going sledding with a broken heart.
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Husker Du "Flip Your Wig": everything they did sounded like a blizzard, right?
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Pavement "Slanted and Enchanted": doesn't sound wintry, but it was snowing when I first heard it in a station wagon (and I REALLY wanted to hate it.)
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The Phil Spector box set: camon. All those songs reek of winter; somehting about that wall of sound. And that's BEFORE you put the Christmas record on. Prolly THE winter/snow set.
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The Ramones "Halfway to Sanity": was another snow day when I bought this (12/22/87) at Doc's in town. Loaded up in my friend Brian's Capri, went to Richmond to walk around the mall all day.
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U2 "War" and "The Unforgettable Fire": just sound wintry. I guess that video for "New Years Day" helps.
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The Beatles "A Hard Day's Night": cozy wintry sound, and makes me think of all the snowy nights I played this on the juke at the Halloween Bar.
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DT & the Shakes "Don't Let Me Down" single: has that enclosed, compressed sound to it that reeks of cold, winter night. and I grew up worshiping them and the Rational Herdsmen and the Undecided, all at JMU in the mid-80s, and I'd always picture them playin at a bar while it snows outside. Awwwwwwww.
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And of course if you see snow and don't immediately think of "Fairytale of New York", then you ain't human.

Serge!

Longtime Xmastime buddy Serge Bielanko was on The Today Show this morning...on a side note, if I'm being honest, I cannot say I would put off Crazy Lee Giffords advances should they come my way...

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Torture Report, Cont.

As for rectal feeding, surely someone's already used the "I thought it was don't shit where you eat, not don't eat where you shit" joke already?

CD

After being decommissioned since the 90s, Charles Dickens' personal postbox has been re-opened for service:

A postbox of Christmas past, specially installed for Charles Dickens, has been put back in service 150 years after the author first used it.

It was one of the earliest wall boxes to be introduced. Dickens, a prolific letter writer, had lobbied for it to be installed outside his home in Gad’s Hill Place, Kent, to spare him the mile-long trek to his nearest village of Higham.

How batshit would this dude have gone over email, Facebook and Twitter?

The author’s great-great-granddaughter Marion, who officially opened the box at a Victorian-themed ceremony, said Dickens wrote more than 14,000 letters, with more of 2,000 of them posted from that box between 1859 and 1870. The amount of mail was so huge he warranted his own Post Office private mail bag.

In America

The only kind of governmental over-reach Republicans seem to not mind is torture.

“My tax dollars going towards brutally torturing someone whether it’s effective or not” = GOOD
“My tax dollars going towards ensuring someone can get marginally affordable healthcare” = BAD

Got it.

Your Aunt Pat du Jour

:)

On Torture

Moral stances aside, the sad fact is that in the end it simply does not work. Moi, back in 2008:

The thing about torture to me is that UNFORTUNATELY, I live in the real world - a world that does shit I don't really wanna know about, as long as the end result actually works without me finding out the details. In other words no, I DON'T want to know how the sausage is made; but I DO want the sausage to taste good.

For years now I've been yammering that as immoral and wrong as torture is, if it actually WORKED I could be swayed to "look the other way" - if wars could be over with in minutes, if real information was given, if torture made the price of McNuggets come down I might be okay with being willfully ignorant. Hey, a lot of shit goes on that we're better off not knowing about...but enough about Star Jones' shower.

But where torture loses me is that it just does not work. For fuck's sake, I said this a year ago:

...if you’re going to do shit that’s immoral and illegal and repulsive to anyone who’s even part human, at least make sure the shit works! Water-board my ass and within seconds I’ll tell you I shot Kennedy, fuck little boys and have never watched all of Caddyshack. Torture does not work; is it worth being morally bankrupt?

Torture is like shooting a deer, skinning it, and then leaving the meat in the forest. Wtf? If you're gonna shoot Bambi, you better fucking make some venison stew that can feed a whole neighborhood.

Also on torture last year I wrote about the absurdity of our "thirst for information!" when I wrote about Saddam's hanging:

How come we love torturing whatever low-on-the-totem-pole terrorist there may be, these are the people we use to justify water-boarding...but we couldn't fucking wait til Saddam Hussein was executed? If torture is so effective, if torture is the key, then why the fuck wouldn't we have tortured him?

Didn't we go to war under the presumption that Saddam had WMD? And...did we not capture Saddam? So, if we thought Saddam had the capability of destroying the USA...I mean, if anyone had info on the whole war it'd be him, right?...and if we were into torturing people...why were we so excited about the execution of Saddam; if he really was the master behind WMD, wouldn't we have wanted to keep him around for awhile?

Hasn't the execution of Saddam belied our whole philosophy on torture?

Still a mystery to me.

But now we find out that torture DOES work...IN FUCKING OURSELVES OVER!!!!

I learned in Iraq that the No. 1 reason foreign fighters flocked there to fight were the abuses carried out at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. Our policy of torture was directly and swiftly recruiting fighters for al-Qaeda in Iraq.

That's nice, right? While not being effective in any way, we morally bankrupt ourselves AND make the very problem we were looking to solve a thousand times worse. Hmm. Seriously, is there ANY other way we could fuck ourselves over with torture while we're at it? I mean, can we give away the cure for cancer in this equation somehow? Maybe find out a way to eliminate the NFL while we're at it?
For fuck's sake. Torture: like a Sarah Lawrence graduate, it just don't work.

Proud to Be an 'Merican

Even glancing at the released torture report is depressing, with its reprehensible brutality matched only by its head-shaking ineffectiveness. Awesome.

That's What She Said

Was Linda the first person to use the phrase? From a 1984 Playboy article with Paul McCartney that for some reason she was involved with:

PLAYBOY: Has the McCartneys' relationship with Yoko changed since John's
death?

LINDA: No comment! Only kidding. That's what she said.

Well. She was no Michael Scott, that's for sure.

Damn You, Prince William!

Prince William and Princess Kate-Xmastime are in Brooklyn. Which they never did while I lived there. Grrr.

Ah yes, George: The Lookaway. Nice. I invented that one back in 1993, you're welcome very much.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “wasn't your live-bloging of their wedding the single greatest moment of the Internet?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful readers. Yes it was.

I Am Un Chien Andalusia

It's been 25 years since the release of The Pixies awesome Doolittle, and this guy might know why it's so great.

Doolittle is a great album. For one, at that point it was the only album I had ever bought sight unseen, never even having heard of the band. More importantly, it's the album I bought when this happened.

Nom nom nom!!!

Sorry, John Updike

Moi a couple of months ago after not even bothering to finish Rabbit, Run:

My official word on John Updike: he's a great writer, but not a good storyteller. 

It bugged me throughout even if Rabbit did seem real or not, I simply didn't believe Updike. And then a few days ago, via Sully I may have the answer:

Harold Bloom once snarkily quipped that John Updike was “a minor novelist with a major style.” After reading Adam Begley’s biography, Updike, Daniel Ross Goodman seems to agree, noting the writer’s “lack of intense passion.” He speculates the deficit “was because Updike did not experience the deep suffering of many other literary geniuses”...Updike’s literary setbacks were those of a lottery winner who stubs his toe on the way to the bank and then has to wait in line before he can cash his check.

Maybe it's not fair to judge another's trials, and I'm probably the only person I know that doesn't like Updike, but I certainly sensed the above as I was reading him.

Also, the lottery bit makes me laugh, thinking of someone's breakdown of why George Harrison was always so grouchy:

Finally, the film really never investigates the real mystery of Harrison: What was he so morose about?...Harrison has always had a sense of the aggrieved about him. I just don't know what the source of it was. In Harrison's mini-autobiography at the front of I Me Mine, the unasked-for collection of his song lyrics, he seems mostly unhappy about … the travel indignities he suffered during the Beatles years.

Footnotes

I'm often fascinated by uber-footnotes in history; either in pictures (ie. who's the woman in the picture they always show kneeling over the body at Kent State?) or otherwise (ie Raymond Jones - to quote Wikipedia: The Beatles had recorded the 'My Bonnie' single with Tony Sheridan in Germany...Epstein's version of the story was that a customer—Raymond Jones—walked into the NEMS shop and asked Epstein for the "My Bonnie" single, which made Epstein curious about the group.") Who are these people? Has anyone ever interviewed them? That should be a whole book, interviews with these footnote people. There's millions of 'em.

I never seem to have watched it all the way through at any one time, but the one scene below from the 1988 documentary Imagine I never seem to miss is when some hippie wanders up to John Lennon's house, and instead of releasing the hounds Lennon not only talks to him but invites him in to eat!

Who the fuck is this guy? Is he alive? He's probably about 60 now. Has anyone ever found out who this guy is? Wouldn't it be great to ask "what was it like to find yourself sitting at a kitchen table eating toast with one  of the goddam Beatles?"?

See other Xmastime footnotes HERE
 

12/8

There is a strange juxtaposition to celebrating the birth of Brothatime!! on the same day we mourn the loss of John Lennon. I mean, here we have a guy that has been there for every one of my 42 years, a constant friend by my side through all times good and bad and who will be there for me all the rest of my days, and then there's also Brothatime!!  HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

34 Years Ago Tonight

John Lennon signing an autograph for Mark David Chapman hours before Chapman returned to shoot him outside Lennon's Dakota home.

Is This The Laziest MF in America?

“You’re the laziest white man I ever seen.” - Archie Bunker, to Meathead.

NASA's New Horizons has woken up so that next year it can give us our closest and best shots ever of the celestial body formerly known as "The Planet Pluto." Very exciting, right? Until we see this:

NASA's New Horizons spacecraft was launched on January 19, 2006. It's down to the final 162 million miles of its journey and will arrive July 14, 2015. New Horizons has had 18 hibernation periods totaling 1,873 days to save wear and tear on its components. This was its last nap.

It's been 3,248 days since its launch, and New Horizons has been asleep for 1,873 of those days, meaning it has worked a total of 1,375 days.  It's been sleeping more than working.

Sigh. "Where's My Country?" indeed. Sigh (again.)

XMASTIME EMERGENCY TV ALERT!!!!

The Neil Armstrong NOVA episode's on! :)

Question

Jobs are back, gas prices are cheapest they've been in years, and cops are killing more black people than ever. So why do Republicans still hate Obama so much?

Oh, Please

I don't have a tv so I'm not watching, but no matter how bad Peter Pan may or not be you lose all cred if you come out and say "I'm gonna be snarky!" before it's even on. Camon.

NYC Cops

Even WITH it being videotaped, you can see weird things might pop up in a trial that might set the cop free somehow. But none of those weird things could possibly be as weird as it not even being allowed to go to trial. Beyond crazy. Incredibly, you find yourself in a situation wherein you can almost wonder if the cop wasn't even the worst part of the incident. Unreal.

Darlene Love

I've posted this 1000 times already but love it. Particularly after watching 20 Feet from Stardom.

Xmastme Movie Review

No idea why it took me so long to see this, but fucking a.

Economics

I miraculously got a D in Econ ("Econ"...listen to me!) in college, turns out I shoulda been watching Seinfeld.

Speaking of college and since tonight they're airing the Peanuts Christmas Show, you know, since it's December 2, cough, here's come Joe Cool!

The First Rock Star

On this day in 1867 Charles Dickens began his first American tour:

This first-night audience included all the great and triple-named of the New England literary elite -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, James Russell Lowell, Charles Eliot Norton -- though not all were impressed. Emerson complained that the performance was too polished for his taste, as Twain would say later that the New Year's Eve reading he attended was but "glittering frostwork." But this was the minority view, and from two used to getting the lecture-hall praise and dollars that now went to Dickens -- some $140,000 profit for this tour, and an estimated two million dollars in today's money for Dickens's last two years of readings at home and abroad.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you call Dickens the 6th Beatle years ago?" 

 Sigh. Yes, faithful reader. Yes, I did.

"'She loves you yeah, yeah yeah'...genius, indeed."

These Girls REALLY Saw The Beatles

The two girls in this photo from the beginning of filming for A Hard Day's Night:

As the pair of us stood on the sidelines, having spotted the Beatles in their stationary train car, Marian and I just looked at each other and said, “Let’s go.” We headed across the railway track, not thinking for one moment about safety. We were 13 and 14, and didn’t think about danger then. We just thought, “Wow, there they are. Oh my God!”

I remember them looking at us through the window. I thought Paul was the best looking. You can see my hand going up to where Paul’s is, and I just started knocking on the window. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’ve told everyone since, “There was only a piece of glass between Paul McCartney and me!”

I never saw the Beatles again, so this is my claim to fame. I’ve been telling my children about it for years.

Down to The River

It's been 34 years since Bruce unleashed the double album classic The River; a frustrating album once you find out via Tracks that a lot of the outtakes were better than what made the record.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “do you have a definitive list of what should have been on The River as a single album?"?"

Sigh. YES, faithful reader, yes:

The Ties That Bind
Two Hearts
Independence Day
I Wanna Marry You
The River
I'm a Rocker
Fade Away
The Price You Pay
Wreck on the Highway
Roulette
Dollhouse
Where the Bands Are
Living on the Edge of the World
Take 'em as They Come
I Wanna Be With You

Also, I'll never understand how The Ties That Bind isn't a bigger deal in the Bruce canon. Superslice of superslices. And one of the greatest middle 8s of all time.

2014 Resolutions Check-In

I have exactly one month to get my resolutions I made a year ago checked off:

2014 Resolutions:
1. Be more reckless with my health.
2. Watch more tv.
3. Don’t take no sh-t from nobody.
4. Loosen the hell up re: recycling.
5. Track down high school football coach, demand to know where my highlight reel for Div. I college recruiters went.
6. Fantasize more about sex with women who are way, way, way, way out of my league.
7. Leave vague, ominous messages on Facebook like “…gee, I dunno…” or ”…out on the ledge…”
8. Go to more high school parties.
9. Remind people that “nobody in (insert town) knows how to drive in the rain” more often.
10. Casually drop the phrase “deez nuts” during a meeting.
11. Spread my wings, see how high I can soar.
12. Get through the year without accidentally eating a raisin.
13. Finish my autobiography, “The Life & Times of Greg Wilson: Believe Me, It Coulda Been Worse.”
14. Talk more, listen less.
15. Find out once and for all what all these g@%!dam squirrels are up to.
16. Finally finish the last chapter of the last Sweet Valley High book. Seriously people, it’s time.
17. Quit being so goddam fearless; really question what the hell I'm doing at every step of the way until I've talked myself out of it.

Footnotes

I'm often fascinated by uber-footnotes in history; either in pictures (eg. who's the woman in the picture they always show kneeling over the body at Kent State?) or otherwise (eg Raymond Jones - to quote Wikipedia: The Beatles had recorded the 'My Bonnie' single with Tony Sheridan in Germany...Epstein's version of the story was that a customer—Raymond Jones—walked into the NEMS shop and asked Epstein for the "My Bonnie" single, which made Epstein curious about the group.") Who are these people? Has anyone ever interviewed them? That should be a whole book, interviews with these footnote people. There's millions of 'em. - SEE XMASTIME FOOTNOTES HERE.

Today is the 59h anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Who was the white guy she refused to give up her seat to?

Close Enough

Ferguson

Remember this: guns don't kill, people do. You know, with guns.

Ferguson Grand Jury

I have a feeling we're in for one helluva Bruce Springsteen song.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

This article has been up on Salon ALL DAY...and nobody has pointed out that the 50th anniversary of the assassination was LAST YEAR!!!! Wtf?

BREAKING NEWS: GOP Committee Hates Freedom, America; probably Jesus and his scrappy, loveable sidekick Baby Jesus too.

Sad, really.

VIA.

Irony, Table for One

Some of the comments nail it.

Previous Schilling h8 HERE.

ps - I stumbled upon this one after seeing his Twitter battle decrying evolution via Deadspin.

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pallbearer at HIs Aunt Pat's Funeral

10:30am-12:00pm: a model pallbearer; maybe one of the all-time greats. From the Mass through the burial, made every right move.
12:01pm: realized my fly had been open the entire time.

Sigh.

Max RIP

My friends Serge & Monica's dog Max was put down this morning. I think he was 13; I spent plenty of hours with Max when we both were rocking it out in Brooklyn. He's popped up on this blog several times, and was the inspiration for this:

8) For some reason I always catch myself being surprised at how dogs just aren’t interested in the same things we are. For instance I was dog-stting last night and I happened to drop $40 on the floor (that’s right ladies, Xmastime is flush right now!!!) and for a split second I thought oh shit! I’d better grab it before he does!! But of course he just blankly looked at it and walked away. I thought wow, that’s funny, he could care less about money. But then again, I’m not into eating other dogs’ shit, so I guess we’re even.

Also, the only good Valentine's date I've had this century.

So long, buddy.

Bittersweet Symphony

When I moved to New York City I had $7, which I immediately spent at White Castle. Then I spent weeks going from door to door asking for a job, with those roasted peanut carts wringing my goddam guts out block by goddam block. And I will never forget the moment I'd had enough, when I said "fuck this!" and I was gonna chuck it all in, that I for some reason entered the old Tower Records on 42nd street, and this fucking song kicked off as I opened the door, just as if it was watching me. The timing was so perfect, I WAS that dude walking down the street singing.  I don't give a fuck about the band, or the album, or the song itself, but I will always remember that moment as the moment I realized I belonged in the fucking city. It was the moment of my life. And I'll never forget it.

Thanks, Anonymous

In yesterday's post about my Aunt Pat dying I found this in the comments section. It's absolutely the nicest comment I've had in the almost 10 years I've been posting, and just generally feels good to read.

I have read about your Aunt Pat several times on this blog and each time your affection for her is very clear. She was blessed to be so loved and obviously shares your funny bone. I love the way she said Bob. Bowab.

Oh, Come the Fuck On Already

I've written many, many times how much I've always loved 1984's classic Do They Know It's Christmas? So they're remade it today for Ebola, and of course it completely sucks, not even including why they kept "feed the world" for Ebola when it was intended for starvation. What the fuck?

FIngers Crossed

That they don't fuck this up:

When The Peanuts Movie arrives in theaters next year, producer Paul Feig promises that Charlie Brown won't twerk, wear a baseball cap backwards or try to "break the Internet" a la Kim Kardashian.

In fact, there won't be a focus on the old-fashioned or the modern when the late Charles M. Schulz's characters including Snoopy, Woodstock, Linus and Peppermint Patty come to life in the 3-D computer-animated film (out Nov. 6, 2015). Instead, director Steve Martino (Ice Age: Continental Drift) and the filmmakers focus on the timeless quality of 50-plus years of beloved comic strips and TV specials.

Will be tough to top the classic animation, but I'll give it a try.

Goodbye Aunt Pat

My Aunt Pat died yesterday. I've mentioned her throughout the years on this blog; a simple "Aunt Pat" in the search bar will yield some pretty funny results.

We probably saw each other on fewer than 2 dozen occasions throughout my 42 years: she lived in Lowell, Massachusetts for 74 years, and I didn't, so.

But of all my relatives (of which there have been a surprising few, for an Irish Catholic family out of Massachusetts), I always felt the most like her. Of the siblings from our respective generations (she the middle child of 5, me the second of 4), neither one of us would ever be called the smartest, or the best looking, or the nicest, or the most talented or successful, or the one anyone would be bragging about around the campfire one day.

But we both are funny, and irreverent, and just generally easy to be around. Life is hard enough; both me and Aunt Pat serve the useful purpose of lightening things up whenever we show up - you could only be so upset about things whenever one of us would wander onto the screen, so to speak. There's value in that, which I learned from both her and my mother at an early age.

I not only never dreaded seeing my Aunt Pat, I always very much looked forward to it. That gives me something to aspire to as an uncle.

I'll repeat my favorite story that I only recently re-posted upon knowing I'd be going up to visit her for the last time:

My favorite Aunt Pat moment came just over 10 years ago; my Grandma May had died at age 95 and we were up for her funeral. I stayed the night in the house she had lived for most of her life, the last 60 of which had been with my aunts Pat and Eileen (don't ask). The morning of her funeral, Aunt Pat stuck her head into my room:

Aunt Pat: You want some breakfast?
Me: Sure, that'd be great.
Aunt Pat: How about some scrambled eggs?
Me: Oh yeah, definitely.
Aunt Pat: With some bacon?
Me: I love bacon!
Aunt Pat: You want some toast?
Me: Yeah.
Aunt Pat: White, or Jewish rye?
Me: Jewish rye.
Aunt Pat: So it's scrambled eggs, bacon, and Jewish rye toast?
Me: Sounds great.
Aunt Pat: It does. Make it your goddam self, I'm in mourning.

And just like that she walked back through the door, leaving me howling with laughter.
It's the same thing my mother would have done, or myself. And it still cracks me up. 

Typical Aunt Pat.

I suppose I've also reached that age at which one genuinely takes an interest in what's left from the lives of his or her parents. Aunt Pat knitted some oven mitts? Sure, I'll take them. Will I use them, who cares - they'll always remind me of her, and so much more.

For decades I've said people should be able to listen to Aunt Pat before they die, so I'm glad I tape-recorded her and her sister and their mother 14 years ago. I'll be re-digitizing all 6 hours I caught on tape, but here's a good start.

Goodbye, Aunt Pat.  Thanks, and I promise your sense of humor will live on as long as I do...along with that RIDICULOUS accent!! :)

The Guinness Heir

Who was the inspiration for A Day in the Life.

A Day in the Life

Geoff Emerick on on what it was like to record The Beatles:

What was it like to hear a Beatles song for the first time — to have one of them walk in and start playing a new song? How would they introduce a song to the others? Oh, it was magic. It was all done in the studio. But normally, they'd come in with the lyric: “I've got this idea for the song, and it goes a bit like this.” I remember John [Lennon] picking up his acoustic and playing “A Day in the Life” to the rest of them, just saying, “This is how it goes.” And you'd be down in the studio, and you'd think, “My God, that's unbelievable!” I always remember when we went for the real vocal on that song — shivers ran down our backs as soon as he started singing.

Tease for the Weekend....

Landed!

Republican denies comet landing is happening, "hey, I'm not trained by a human spaceflight program to command, pilot, or serve as a crew member of a spacecraft."

Dear NASA

This video is insanely amazing, we don't need the fucking annoying music to go with it. Must you now align yourself with porn? Ugh.

I remain,
X
Astronaut - A journey to space from Guillaume JUIN on Vimeo.

CHANNEL 13

Fantastic joint on the first days of PBS' Channel 13.

ANNOUNCEMENT

My 42-year streak of not being able to make a good grilled cheese sandwich is officially over.

This Is Amazing

London cab drivers have to pass the hardest test in the world:

Actually, “challenge” isn’t quite the word for the trial a London cabbie endures to gain his qualification. It has been called the hardest test, of any kind, in the world. Its rigors have been likened to those required to earn a degree in law or medicine. It is without question a unique intellectual, psychological and physical ordeal, demanding unnumbered thousands of hours of immersive study, as would-be cabbies undertake the task of committing to memory the entirety of London, and demonstrating that mastery through a progressively more difficult sequence of oral examinations — a process which, on average, takes four years to complete, and for some, much longer than that. The guidebook issued to prospective cabbies by London Taxi and Private Hire (LTPH), which oversees the test, summarizes the task like this:

DC cab drivers on the other hand, from what I can tell, take a test to prove they're baffled by GPS, have been driving in the city for fewer than 5 minutes, and have no idea where Union Station is.

Hillary Schmillary

I've written about the trap of Hillary's inevitability:

Hillary won't get elected for many reasons, but it's just occured to me that she is the 1997 Peyton Manning of the race. Remember Peyton back then? As soon as the 1996 Hesiman winner was announced, everybody in the free world said well, next year Peyton will run away with it. A no-brainer. The months went on and on and all anybody talked about was how Peyton was definitly gonna win the award. Then a funny thing happened. People got tired of talking about him being the only choice. Even though he clearly deserved to win it, people simply got tired of talking about him and started looking for reasons to vote for somebody else, anybody else. The average voter thought fuck it, I'm tired of hearing about Peyton - I'll vote for so and so; it's only one vote anyway, Peyton will still win. And ta-da! Even though he should've, he didn't win. Now here we are still a year away from the election; there's no way in 6 months people are going to be able to stomach even mentioning Hillary's name. Even if you like her, it's all too much. Too much daily controvery, too much media, by the end people will be worn down to the nubs and will not be able to support her. XMASTIME

Seven years later, the New Yorker is finally catching up.

Sigh. You people. Can you even TRY to keep up with me?

ah yes, they really were The Wonder Years, weren't they?

#highschoolyearbook

The Curious Career of Alfonso Soriano

Who retired the other day...I loved him in his early years with the Yankees; that over-sized bat looking like Bam-Bam's club as he waved it around, never seeing a pitch he didn't want to swing at. How was his career?

He was that rare power-speed combo and, for a few years there, one of the most exciting players in the game. When's the next time we're going to see a 40/40 player? 

And of course to show that thin line between greatness and who gives a shit:

Think how his career could be viewed differently: If Rivera hadn't blown that save, he'd be forever remembered as a Yankees hero; if the Cubs had reached the World Series one of those years, he'd be remembered as a great Cub.

The Best of Aunt Pat

I've always said that before they die, everyone should have a chance to listen to my Aunt Pat talk. Which they can do HERE.

You're welcome, Earth.

My favorite Aunt Pat moment came just over 10 years ago; my Grandma May had died at age 95 and we were up for her funeral. I stayed the night in the house she had lived for most of her life, the last 60 of which had been with my aunts Pat and Eileen (don't ask). The morning of her funeral, Aunt Pat stuck her head into my room:

Aunt Pat: You want some breakfast?
Me: Sure, that'd be great.
Aunt Pat: How about some scrambled eggs?
Me: Oh yeah, definitely.
Aunt Pat: With some bacon?
Me: I love bacon!
Aunt Pat: You want some toast?
Me: Yeah.
Aunt Pat: White, or Jewish rye?
Me: Jewish rye.
Aunt Pat: So it's scrambled eggs, bacon, and Jewish rye toast?
Me: Sounds great.
Aunt Pat: It does. Make it your goddam self, I'm in mourning.

And just like that she walked back through the door, leaving me howling with laughter.
It's the same thing my mother would have done, or myself. And it still cracks me up.

geez...my grandfather's exact dying words to me...

You are a: Communist Pro-Government Non-Interventionist Bleeding-Heart Libertine
Via: http://www.abtirsi.com/quiz2.php

I Love This Fucker

Earlier this year, about the scene in the movie Love Actually, when the dude hits the US and hooks up with three smoking hot chicks,  I wrote:

I don't think I've ever been more thrilled for a guy to get so lucky with the ladies in a movie as I am whenever I see this scene. I almost high-five the damn screen.

And now I stumble upon this:

Speaking of Kris Marshall, he so enjoyed filming his scenes with January Jones, Elisha Cuthbert, and that other woman that he returned his paycheck for the day. 

Awesome.

Goals. I Have Them.

I need to get a girlfriend so that when we get into fights I can use lines from a Springsteen song without her even knowing it, a lá my classic 7/11 chemistry test.

Her: Yeah? Well guess what, I don't need your help!  I don't need anybody!
Me: Oh, really? Don't need nobody, huh? I guess you walk down the street pushin’ people outta your way?
Her: I can be out of here in 30 seconds, you'll never see me again!
Me: Oh, I see - you packed your bags and all alone you wanna ride? Is that it? You don’t want nothin’, don’t need no one by your side?
Her: You're goddam right!
Me: Well let ME tell YOU something - you're walkin’ tough baby, but you’re walkin’ blind to the ties that bind!
Her: Screw you!
Me: Now you can’t break the ties that bind!
Her: I can't believe I opened myself up to you!  I'll never make that mistake again!
Me: OH, I get it - you're so afraid of being somebody’s fool, not walkin’ tough baby, not walkin’ cool.  Is that it?
Her: Never again!
Me: You walk cool, but darlin’, can you walk the line? And face the ties that bind?
Her: What? What's with...ties, what?
Me: Now you can’t break the ties that bind!
Her: No, but I can stop myself from ever falling for anyone again!
Me: Not me, goddamit - I would rather feel the hurt inside, yes I would darlin’, than know the emptiness your heart must hide!
Her: Oh, I'm a heartless bitch now? Fuck you!
Me: Yes I would darlin’
Her: Fuck you!
Me: Yes I would darlin’
Her: Go to hell!
Me: Yes I would baby!

Oh, Great.

If this is true, then I'm

1. Freaking the fuck out.
2. Pretty sure the last thing burned into my eyes will be a piece of fried chicken.

And I Feel Al-right

Great interview with Richard Lester, in which even 50 years later you can see his genuine affection for The Beatles and joy in working with them. From HERE, along with another Q&A part from the audience.

http://player.bfi.org.uk/film/watch-richard-lester-the-beatles-and-a-hard-days-night-qa-2014/

The Grapes of Bruce

New York Times bit on Bruce Springsteen's relationship with books. I've long known that Bruce has been a voracious reader since his late-20's, but I must say I'm a little disappointed in learning this:

What books are you embarrassed not to have read yet?

I read “The Grapes of Wrath” very late, long after I’d written the song “Ghost of Tom Joad.” However, it ended up being everything I’d hoped it to be. I haven’t read “East of Eden” yet, and I’d like to.

I mean, wtf? How can you write a song like that without having read the book? Grrr.Guess he saw the (almost) disappointing movie.