Wednesday, July 31, 2024
Trump After Today's Appearance at the Black Journalists Convention...
...when he’s told that Kamala Harris is black:
Speaking of Dan Conner...
If You Wanted to Do Something Nice for Me You Should Know You are Now Playing for 2nd Place
An Open Letter to All Democrats
Dear All Democrats,
Stop trying to goad Trump into debating Kamala; yes he's a fucking piece of shit brainless idiot but he's also unfortunately the luckiest person on Earth so SOMEthing weird will happen during the debate so that he comes out as “the winner” and then of course the media is going to splooge itself with wall-to-wall "thats when he became President!" bullshit so just stop.
I remain,
XMASTIME
Stop trying to goad Trump into debating Kamala; yes he's a fucking piece of shit brainless idiot but he's also unfortunately the luckiest person on Earth so SOMEthing weird will happen during the debate so that he comes out as “the winner” and then of course the media is going to splooge itself with wall-to-wall "thats when he became President!" bullshit so just stop.
I remain,
XMASTIME
Fuck You Spotify (Again) (And Until the Next Time, Which I Assume Won't Be Very Long From Now)
Never-minding destroying the entire music industry overnight on the backs of assholes like me, Spotify has created some curiously shitty user experiences for their users. A few years ago I bitched about their ridiculous "hey, let's just make albums play in random order" bullshit:
It's taken Adele to get Spotify to remove the fucking ridiculous "shuffle" as the default option for albums. How did this even happen? It drives me fucking nuts; I can understand playlists being shuffle, but artists agonize for weeks on the sequencing of their albums and then Spotify just decided to say "fuck it, we know better"?
And now their latest fucking thing is "Smart Shuffle", which means:
1) I spend my time & musical love & energy putting together a playlist of songs I want to hear
2) Hey, since I like to have fun and I already know I like the songs - they're on my playlist that I personally made - I don't mind mixing it up and hitting the "shuffle" button
3) Oh but don't worry! Spotify knows better!
4) Its default is to not only play my playlist on shuffle, but something they're calling "smart shuffle"
5) Which play random songs that are not on my playlist that Spotify thinks I might like to hear...even though it should pretty clearly know that the songs ON MY PLAYLIST are the ones I want to hear, and the reason I know this is BECAUSE BY ITS VERY DEFINITION A PLAYLIST IS MADE UP OF SPECIFIC SONGS I WANT TO HEAR!!!!
6) So now I've got to hit the button once to get back to normal shuffle - i.e., shuffling through the songs I actually chose to put on my fucking playlist - and Then I've got to hit it AGAIN if I want to play my playlist in the order of songs that I fucking carefulLy crafted for my own listening experience
Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?
A Note on the ROSEANNE Sitcom Reboot, THE CONNERS
But one thing I've realized during a mini-binge is how much of an absolute shithead Dan has become. It's always something with him losing another business or about to lose his house etc, which is life and I get that and of course we all want what's best for him and his family, but for instance right now he's passive-aggressively making Darlene live in the house so she can pay rent because Dan can't pay the mortgage, meaning she can't move in with her boyfriend and get her own life back again, but of course Dan insists on not losing the house....that everybody else is desperately trying to get away from...that I guess Dan still owes $$ on even though they bought it in the early 70s in Lanford, Illinois for what, like $11,000?....
And it's played like we'e supposed to be on Dan's side, we're supposed to root for his "stubborn, old man Midwestern salt-of-the-Earth ways!" no matter how stupid & destructive they may be. This is reinforced by another genre of Dan episodes, in which he throws out some old wives' tale bullshit about how to handle young kids and then a series of absurdly specific & coincidental things happen to show he's "right". And oh - we're supposed to believe that a still-smoking hot at 70 Katey Sagal - ahem, Peg Bundy, cough - would pine after Dan until he finally gives the okay for her to romance him, I mean come the fuck on people let's get back down to planet Earth.
I've seen the entire series as it rolled out on tv over the years so I'm guessing he gets back to being less of a fucking douchebag at some point, but right now Dan Conner you need to know that you are officially on Xmastime Blast! 😡
Questions. I Have Them.
Tuesday, July 30, 2024
THEN HE KISSED ME is Even More Amazing Than You Thought
If you’ve ever seen the launch of any of the Apollo missions, you’ll have noticed that right at launch the rockets pause for a few seconds, wavering ever-so-slightly as the entire rocket package sways as if lightly dancing, before finally thrusting upwards & launching for good into space.
That’s the same feeling that comes to me at the beginning of Phil Spector’s amazing Then He Kissed Me. There’s a million things about the song to love – Hal Blaine, I’m looking up at you on the big drum kit in the sky – but if you notice, right between the opening guitar notes and when it really takes off there’s a moment of free-fall swaying that feels like a subconscious decision on Spector’s part to brace the listener for the brilliance they’re about to be steamrolled over with.
Check it out, from 0:04 to 0:07.
Xmastime Classixx #XOTD2009
[SIDE NOTE: I've referenced this moment about a million times sine it occurred on that day, including in my first national non-seller WILLIAMSBURG RATS: A MANNY'S TOUR OF DUTY, to the point that I'd almost forgotten it actually DID happen just like I tell it, and so it's even met with a little surprise by myself when it pops up as I blogged about it in real time. Enjoy!]
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Life, but With Xmastime
I don't know if this is similar to how I've heard people with mental health issues talk about using tools in their toolbox to help when those issues present themselves, but I've learned that if I'm gonna eat enough fruit in an effort to be a little healthier, the only way I'm gonna do it is by having a very large bowl of fruit on my counter, ready to be eaten at all times, 24/7. If I have even a split second I'll find a way to fool myself into letting me order McDonalds instead; but the big fruit bowl is always watching, and if I use that split second instead to grab some fruit then I know I'll also be able to stop myself from ordering fast food or whatever.
Either way, I'm *guessing* it's better than the 40+ years of advice I'd been following thanks to a certain beloved orange cat.
Oh Come On, People 😡😡😡😡😡
I mean it's not "why would you be in a Beatles tribute band without the bass payer being left-handed" obviously stupid, but still pretty obviously stupid.
Well Hello Theodore the Right-Wing Bear, Oh Yeah and I'm Old AF
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "wasn't that bear one of Xmastime's first (and funniest!) characters ever?"
Sigh. Yes he was, faithful reader
INTRODUCING THEODORE
THEODORE'S PIGSKIN PICKS!
THEODORE VS. PADDY MAC ON MARAH'S 2002 ALBUM "FLOAT AWAY WITH THE FRIDAY NIGHT GODS"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND of course Theodore's lost Yankees broadcasting audition reel, which was so brilliant I’m re-posting the whole thing below YOU'RE WELCOME, EARF!!!
Some of you Xmas fans from the beginning may remember Theodore, the ultra-conservative right-wing stuffed bear. We haven't heard from him in quite a while; but now something from his past has created quite a stir over at The Smoking Gun. For years now some of us close to Theodore have had to hear him rant and rage against the New York Yankees for not hiring him to be a broadcaster, despite an "amazing" audition tape he sent in years and years ago. The legend of this tape had grown over the years; by now we had been led to believe (by, of course, Theodore himself) that this tape was the single greatest recorded moment ever, it was Cosell times Michaels, and the only reason the Yankees didn't hire him was that they were intimidated by 1) such amazing work 2) such amazing work having been done by, of all things, an ultra-conservative right-wing stuffed bear.
Of course, nobody else had actually seen this tape...until now. Found in an attic in Larchmont, CT, it has been passed around online now and, much to Theodore's embarrassment, it's beyond obvious why he wasn't hired:
He was terrible.
Yes America, Trump is the New Hitler
Depressing interview on Trump being more popular, and therefore more dangerous, than Hitler:
I spend more time rubbing my eyes than rolling them. The parallels between America and Weimar Germany astonish me. Legislative gridlock, political polarization, a deluge of incendiary news stories (some fake, some real), a proliferation of handguns. It’s like déja-vu all over again.
What troubles me most? The fact that Hitler and his National Socialists never received more than 37% of the national vote in a free and open election, and Trump is polling at around 50% or higher, according to some sources. These are percentages of popular support that Adolf Hitler could only have dreamed of achieving in a free and open election.
All I know is Americans can't fucking take another "IF WE DON'T DEFEAT X CANDIDATE THEN DEMOCRACY IS OVER!" We did it in 2020, and Trump is monstrous enough to make us do it again in 2024, but eventually people will become numb to Mel Gibson running around screaming "FREEDOM! We have to fight for our freedom!!" every 15 minutes, and of course THAT'S when the real snake slips into the house and takes over, once everybody's become numb to everything and just can't fucking take it anymore talking/thinking about politics 24/7 anyway, much less the constant THE WORLD IS OVER IF WE DON'T WIN AT THE POLLS THIS NOVEMBER!
And of course the media will be printing money, which will make it worse.
Ugh. It'a just too depressing to think about. I still think half the country think they're watching a movie, without any actual consequences to Trumpzilla stomping around as president for another 4 years. Unfortunately, I find it hard to believe they're gonna want to stop watching the show in November.
And of course the media will be printing money, which will make it worse.
Ugh. It'a just too depressing to think about. I still think half the country think they're watching a movie, without any actual consequences to Trumpzilla stomping around as president for another 4 years. Unfortunately, I find it hard to believe they're gonna want to stop watching the show in November.
Monday, July 29, 2024
Yassssssssss!!!! VIVA L'STATE! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
‘The State’ (1994)
— 120 Revisited (@120Revisited) July 29, 2024
Louie & The Last Supper
“HEY, EVERYBODY!”pic.twitter.com/Uh4WSBn9Qh
Something I Learned Today
If you go to Amazon and buy 5 mixing bowls and they each come with a lid then according to Amazon you bought 10 things. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Incredible Opening Line du Jour
Oh Oh Is Something a-Brewing?
Dafuck is going on over at The New Yorker; just now I cracked open the latest issue and saw this
which I thought was pretty funny, but it bugged me because I had a nagging feeling I’d seen something like it before…
…..aaaaaaaaand then I remembered this, which I’d only posted about 3 weeks ago:
…..aaaaaaaaand then I remembered this, which I’d only posted about 3 weeks ago:
Ummmm….is The New Yorker trying to tell us something????? 😬
Xmastime Genius from 15 Years Ago Today #XOTD2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A Modest Proposal
Once something happens it becomes inevitable; one of these instances seems to be in the fact that health insurance is so readily accepted as a "necessary evil" as it is today. Why? Yeah, I know being a doctor is an amazing thing and he/she should be compensated very well for having learned something that is incredibly difficult, but so is flying a plane. How come if a doctor says he can save our life we are more than happy to pay whatever amount the insurance company says, we will empty our life savings, we will spend 50 years giving up part of our paycheck, every week, NO MATTER WHAT - yet we don't give up a part of our paycheck every week of our working lives in the event that someday we will hafta board a plane and put our lives into the hands of the unique skills of an airline pilot, do we? You wanna fly from NYC to Paris it's $500; you want a sprained ankle treated it's $4,000? REEEEally?
I can't cook a 5-star meal - why am I not paying a small fee every week to offset the cost should I one day go to a restaurant wherein the chef is the greatest chef in the world?
I can't dunk a basketball or turn a double play, shouldn't a chunk of my weekly check be going to make sure that these outrageously talented athletes can keep doing their thing, and that I might someday be able to go see them?
I'm a huge proponent of healthcare AND health coverage reform - but maybe the question I should be asking myself is why does health insurance exist at all? How come like weddings and college, medicine is allowed to be some egregiously paid expense that we all take for granted as being "more than we can afford, but fuck it"? Hell, out of the three, medicine is the only one that is a science, whose worth can therefore be measured. If the "free market" is as amazing as everybody says it is, shouldn't I be able to go to the guy who says he can set my broken arm for the best price without having to pre-pay for years, even if i don't use it, as I would an english muffin?
Questions. I Have Them
How's there not been a Netflix comedy series in which Jesus Christ returns but nobody notices/cares and it's all about his (hilarious, of course) struggle to get his message up & running in today's world?
LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, EVERYBODY!!! 💰💰💰💰
Speaking of LeBron
Will the Paris Olympics be the best moment for America to finally pat itself on the back re: not making fun of LeBron having a name that looks French (which is of course against the law for any real, red-blooded American, obviously)?
Waaaaaaaait a Second...
Sunday, July 28, 2024
THINGS I LIKE: The Audio Series
On April 30, 2022 I started a daily series in which I would simply list
one thing hat I like every day for an entire year. I've decided to
started a short podcast, just a minute or two every day, going through
each entry day-by-day for the next year. Enjoy!
Day 13: WITHOUT FEATHERS
PREVIOUS ENTRIES HERE
Same.
"It seems to me now as if I were still in the bell-tower. I am stunned and dizzy all the time. There is a noise as of ringing bells which fills the cavities of my brain, and I can no longer see, except in the dim distance, and through the crevasses of an abyss, the quiet peaceful life which is mine no more, but which myriads of other men are leading still." - Victor Hugo
This. This is the Fucking Problem.
Hmmm, INteresting...CURious, Even...🤔🤷♂️
The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" - has a big article on the color I *just so happened to* pick out. #justsayin #xmastimecandleandcolorinfluencer
XMASTIME: G-Spot Expert?
Your pal Xmastime, all the way back in 2006:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand in today's New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" - crossword, WELL WELL WELL hello all you smarty-pants elites welcome to how smart I was back in 2006, losers! (spikes football)
Imagine that: bearing the name of the one, miniscule, mysteriously hidden part of the female anatomy that apparently unlocks all kinds of orgasmic pleasure, driving a woman crazy to you’re your touch. Not too shabby. Would not be the worst pick-up line at your local tavern. “Why yes, as a matter of fact that IS my name…” Like most men I have no idea where this spot is, and, like most men, I don’t really care. Hey, if you’re not gonna let me have a threesome with your best friend and film it, why should I make all the effort?
Questions. I Have Them.
XMASTIME SPOTIFY ROULETTE!
Last week I mentioned my brilliant idea of ALBUM ROULETTE; today my brilliance has reared it beautiful head with another version SPOTIFY ROULETTE!
BLAMMO! I was right, ANOTHER superslice! I’m feeling good, so let’s spin again…
OOOOOH DAMN! SUPERslice of all SUPERSLICES!!! Should I do it??? CAN I do it?? Am I feeling greedy enough…
Wow! Another slice! I mean not quite a Shangri-La level superslice, but a superslice…now I only have one turn left, do I want to quit here and enjoy this song I know I love, or push ahead. One more time & hope my luck doesn’t run out? YES! OF COURSE I DO!!! Let’s do this people!!!
GODdammit. Now I gotta sit through 4 minutes of this turd. 😡😡😡 #BUSTED #ILOSE #SPOTIFYROULETTE
1. You can do the following with any random song, or artist-specific, however you want. For my example below, I'm using The Kinks.
2. Think of it along the same vein as the ol' "should I get off for food at this Exit or risk hoping there's another one not too far ahead" thing
3. A song pops up. You can choose to either listen to this song in its entirety, or skip to the next one
4. Repeat as needed
5. The endgame is if you make it to a 5th song. If you've rolled the dice all the way to your fifth song, you have no choice but to listen to the entirety of that song, no matter how shitty it is...
6....which is the "roulette" part!
Decide amongst yourselves what winning or losing looks like, I can't do everything for you people even if it for damn sure always seems like I'm fucking trying; all I ask is that each time you play you Venmo me $100 thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks!!
SAMPLE GAME (you're welcome!)
OOOH! Super Superslice, right off the bat! I love this song but there’s no chance Ray’s gonna let me down 4 times, so…let’s spin the SPOTIFY ROULETTE WHEEL, PEOPLE!!
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Anybody who doesn't have Don't Pass Me By on their single album version of The White Album are not to be trusted as human beings and need to not be a part of any of our lives at all.
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you point firs-"
OF COURSE I FIRST POSTED MY SINGLE ALBUM VERSION OF THE BEATLES WHITE ALBUM INCLUDES DON'T PASS ME BY BACK IN 2008!!!
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you point firs-"
OF COURSE I FIRST POSTED MY SINGLE ALBUM VERSION OF THE BEATLES WHITE ALBUM INCLUDES DON'T PASS ME BY BACK IN 2008!!!
Saturday, July 27, 2024
SPECIAL GARFIELD DU JOUR EDITION!!!
Just two days ago I mentioned Jim Davis missing an opportunity for Garfield's patented smarmy look directly at the audience, and now VOILA! here in today's favorite Garfield du Jour GARFIELD DOES EXACTLY THAT, PERFECTLY NAILING THE EXECUTION!!!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗 😺😺😺😺
Man, I am locked in with my #1 cat, everybody!
Virginia is for 🍕 Lovers
Doing this kind of posts reminds me of Xmastime back in like 2006-10ish ANYhoo, here's a list of the 25 BEST PIZZAS IN VIRGINIA and I'm simply running down the list and will tell you in order whether or not I would eat the pizza representing each place in the photo:
BOLD = my Top 5 on this list
Yes (SIDE NOTE: how is this the photo they use; never mind it being the so-called BEST pizza in the entire state, how would any restaurant let a photo like this get out? Dafuck Bottoms Up dafuck?)
No
YES
Yes
No
No
No
No
Yes
YES
No
No
Yes
Yes
YES
Yes
Yes
Yes (half)
No
YES
Yes
No
No
YES
Yes
Questions. I Have Them.
Ugh. The Worst.
THINGS I LIKE: The Audio Series
On April 30, 2022 I started a daily series in which I would simply list
one thing hat I like every day for an entire year. I've decided to
started a short podcast, just a minute or two every day, going through
each entry day-by-day for the next year. Enjoy!
Day 12: MARAH
PREVIOUS ENTRIES HERE
Thoughts. I Have Them.
Does the Sun ever get jealous of the Moon getting all the credit all the time even though it's only "half Moon" this and "Quarter Moon" that when it's like hey motherfuckers I'm over here full-time Full Sun all goddam day for you people fuck this piss-ant Moon bullshit?
PS - I'm gonna add a "and what not" to this and dedicate it to George Wallace's Twitter feed, by the way. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
PS - I'm gonna add a "and what not" to this and dedicate it to George Wallace's Twitter feed, by the way. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Goals. I Have Them.
I'm gonna make a new sport for myself where I just randomly walk around my building until I can orchestrate it so a black guy is following behind me and then I pick a random door and pretend it's my apartment and I make a big show of panicking while trying to open the door because of the black guy behind me.
Friday, July 26, 2024
Tonight, on JEOPARDY!
THE Greatest Moment of My Life?
😬😬😬😬
I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT
AND THEY EVEN DID THE SAME THING WITH GEORGE JONES FOR CHRISSAKE!!!
Questions. I Have Them.
Have the incidents of people being outraged at someone in an elevator for thinking they refused to hold the door for them when the fact is the person never heard them shouting at them to hold the door in the first place because everybody's always got headphones on at all times now? 🤔 🤷
Yes America, It’s the $%@! Guns
ENGLAND
Total # of years any Beatle has lived there: 260
Total # of Beatles shot to death by a gun: 0
USA
Total # of years any Beatle has lived there: 9
Total # of Beatles shot to death by a gun: 1
Total # of years any Beatle has lived there: 260
Total # of Beatles shot to death by a gun: 0
USA
Total # of years any Beatle has lived there: 9
Total # of Beatles shot to death by a gun: 1
A Review of Pizza Hut's New "Tavern-Style" Pizza
THE PIZZA WHEN MADE INTO A PIZZA SANDWICH: B-
Also, they should save money on the bullshit "Tavern" thing & just call this what it is, "thin crust".
Thanks for the Help, All-Star
On JD fucking Vance
I always assume everybody else is smarter than me and I REALLY assume anyone who went to Yale is smarter than me, and so even after being vaguely disappointed when JD Vance's Hillbilly Elegy came out and then watching him look like a total fucking dipshit every time he opened his mouth I still find myself surprised to see he'd stroll so gung-ho into the Trump Trap, the latest in a now-long line of "oh, I'LL be the one who changes him, I'LL be different"...flash forward 5 years and there's JD Vance with his career ruined like Rudy/Pence/insert any of the many generals/chiefs of staff etc Trump went through. The only thing we've learned over the years is that Trump gets away with absolutely EVERYTHING, but those tainted by him are never that lucky.
But hey, good luck on being "The One", JD.
But hey, good luck on being "The One", JD.
Every Fucking Word
Hooooly shit you guys wanna see a dead body pic.twitter.com/q00rKtUJUq
— Jessica (Ka) Burbank (@JessicaLBurbank) July 26, 2024
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