150 Years Ago

The 13th Amendment hit everybody's Twitter feed, freeing the slaves. Seems like we should be making a bigger deal of this, n'est-pas?

My Official Super Bowl Prediction

Patriots 31
Seahawks 20
Pieces of Popeyes chicken inhaled: 7
Biscuits: 4
Fries: who knows

If This Doesn't Embarrass You...

...congratulations, you are un-embarrassable:

Colleen McCullough wrote 25 novels. Her The Thorn Birds sold 30 million copies worldwide for $1.9 million, then a record; a miniseries starring Richard Chamberlain and Barbara Stanwyck based on her work became one of the most watched in history, second at the time only to Roots.

But if you read her obituary in the Australian Photograph you will learn other, definitely more important facts about her before you ever get to this list of accomplishments. Because the second sentence of that obit reads: “Plain of feature, and certainly overweight, she was, nevertheless a woman of wit and warmth.”

Unbelievable.

It's Official: I'm a Racist.

Last year HERE I mentioned my addiction to Brand Eating. Hardly a day has passed since without my going down the rabbit hole of fast food porn. And when reading the reviews the voice I gave the guy was always slightly dull, probably suburban white dude who worked human resources somewhere. And in this photo, I saw a white hand:

But today my world was rocked by this review of Chick-fil-A, which featured this photo:

And of course the first thing I thought was "oh my God I've been doing his voice wrong, I gotta change the voice!!"

Sigh. 2015. (shaking head sadly.)

The Black Death... Why the H8n'?

Does The Black Death have the worst PR department in the world? Because according to this it's actually pretty fucking amazing:

1. The appalling death toll made the survivors of the Black Death ponder the individual’s worth. The questioning of faith in the face of the plague’s terrors led people to focus more on the present life with its wonders and beauty, rather than the promise of a next life. This led to an appreciation of the arts and physical sciences and a thirst for human-based knowledge. Human endeavor and accomplishments, rather than religion, took center stage in this humanist movement. 

Also, perfume, apparently.

The Clap

I pretty much haven’t stopped thinking of the Slow-Clap since I posted the one below a few hours ago. Has the “Slow Clap that nobody joins in on” replaced the “Unrequited high-five” as the ultimate embarrassing moment in a man’s life?

On my “Things to Do Before I Die” list, which right now consists entirely of two items:

1) Flip table over in middle of important meeting, yelling “oh, FUCK this!”
2) Get an explanation from Peter Engel at NBC re: not explaining how Kelly and Jesse disappeared, were replaced by Tori and then reappeared again

I would like to add

3) Start off the longest, slowest building Slow Clap. I mean, look at the one below – from first slow clap to full-on frantic clapping is what, 10 seconds? I’m talking about kicking one off and then sloooooooowly building up, taking about 45 minutes before hitting full-on clapping. Everyone slowly folding in, maybe one a minute. Would be amazing. All I ask in this world. - XMASTIMEhttp://xmastime.blogspot.com/2007/05/slow-clap.html

What's the best slow clap movie? I dunno, but Charles S. Dutton's solo performance in Rudy is certainly a masterpiece. Here's 10 great slow clap movies.

Rock Rock Rock Rock Rock 'n Roll High School

Some guy wrote about Rock 'n Roll High School yesterday. After Tommy died, I watched the movie for the first time in decades and was struck by two things:

1. Oh my God, they really do sound retarded. Like, they aspire to be retards.
2. Who took longer to show up onscreen in their own movie, The Ramones in Rock 'n Roll High School (almost 38 minutes in) or the shark in Jaws?

Rightfully so, the other guy had nicer things to say:

It’s a call for revolution not by scowling militants in uniforms, but by a goofy DJ convinced of the liberating, life-affirming powers of rock in its purest form. The movie’s famous Mad-style poster made this promise explicit with the tagline, “Will your school be next?” Though the film flopped at the time of its release, it was a big enough cult hit to spawn a little-loved sequel, 1991’s Rock ’N’ Roll High School Forever, which replaced the Ramones with Corey Feldman, then and sunk without a trace. It turns out that despite Screamin’ Steve’s words (and if you can’t trust a DJ named Screamin’ Steve, who can you trust?) the miracle of Rock ’N’ Roll High School wasn’t repeatable. That’s part of its magic. Like the Ramones, it was one of a kind, and retains its joyful power years later as a call to rebellion and rocking that includes just about everyone in its embrace.

A quick Google search let's you see tho whole movie (on Amtrak right now, can't embed.)

Thoughts. TJ Had Them.

Thomas Jefferson had some ideas about the differences between Southerners and Northerners.

I see he left out that both sets of people love to spend a lot of time bitching that nobody else knows how to drive in the rain.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I always get a kick out of whenever I angrily say to myself "dammit, I gotta do laundry" as if I'm Ma Ingalls and hafta scrub them down at the creek with my bare hands instead of drop them into a machine and then try to remember an hour later it's there.

50 Years Ago Today

In what some say was the greatest high school basketball game of all time, Morgan Wooten's DeMatha squad beat the previously unbeatable Power Memorial team led by a Lew Alcindor:

Catlett: “I remember Morgan telling us before the game not to watch him in the warmups.”
Wootten: “They say he’s 7-1. I always say he’s 7-3. But to see him walk out with the rest of his teammates was just an electric thing. Everybody wanted to watch the warmups. Incredible warmups, with dunks and things like that.”

Course, DeMatha wasn't exactly the Washington Generals:

DeMatha played only five players that night, and the Stags’ starting five all eventually played major college basketball. Three went on to play professionally. 

 Here's some footage, enjoy!

Peanuts + The Smiths

I've never really listened to The Smiths, but these Peanuts strips with Smiths lyrics is pretty awesome. More HERE.

Wait, What?

Bye Sully, Cont.

Alyssa Rosenberg on the state of blogging:

Bloggers these days have to speak to our loyal readers, and there are many of you who have been kind enough to come with me from outlet to outlet. But when we become part of larger outlets, that means we can’t speak to you alone anymore. Sullivan had an enormous reach, but the Dish still felt like it was very much written for a specific group of readers who were a known quantity. That’s a quality I think might be passing from the scene, and the conversation will be different for it.

My bold.

Much of her article is what's really going 'round today, that today marks "the death of the blog." I find that hard to believe - as long as there are computers with internet connections, there will be somebody trying to tell somebody something, to express themselves. The days of sneering at a "blogger" as some pathetic nobody brushing Cheetos dust off his tighty-whities in his parents' basement are over, and Sullivan had a lot to do with that.

Tho I do still believe the name itself is still a problem:

Blogs will never be taken seriously until they're called something else. It's tough to say the word "blog" without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. Which is ironic, cause people saying that something makes them "throw up in my mouth a bit" usually makes me wanna blog about how I sliced their head off and left it in my freezer. "Blog" in and of itself is a goofy word, and blogging as a viable way of communication/entertainment will not be taken seriously until we come up with something else.

Love That Chicken from Popeye's

Finally, a reason to not hate David Vitter - he's responsible for someone finding out exactly what $1000 of Popeye's looks like. Thanks, shithead!

P&P, Yeah You Know Me

I started Pride and Prejudice this morning on the train, and am bored beyond all senses. Bunch of women standing around yammering about getting married, all under a blizzard of overwritten haughtiness. I would actually rather read a book from the father's point of view, presumably titled I Wish These Bitches Would Shut the Fuck Up for Two Seconds. - XMASTIME

For some reason here's Pride and Prejudice in two charts. Enjoy.

So Long, Sully

I never thought I'd ever have a post that Andrew Sullivan is quitting blogging. He's been doing it for 15 years; Xmastime has been around for almost 10. There's never been a day writing my own blog that I didn't check in on his about 50 times. To me at least, he wasn't just the Elvis of blogging but Elvis and The Beatles together. Somehow he made you feel like you knew him; I'm embarrassed to admit how emotional his quitting made me upon reading it the first time. Our blogs are nothing alike - mine is silly and says "tittays" way too often - but mine exists because of his. I look forward to whatever he writes in the future, but will always miss the  daily  hourly swings of passion read throughout his writing. He is a pioneer. I suppose even pioneers have to stop eventually.

So long, buddy.

Over the years, I've been lucky enough to have him post some of my stuff:

My Sully parody

Me vs. Palin!

Me vs Trump!

Occupy Sesame Street 

The Royal Wedding!

2014 State of the Union

And my first time Sullied, starring Sarah Palin of course.

An Absolute Stunner

Andrew Sullivan is quitting blogging.

If You Still Need Proof There is No God...

...here it is. Amazing.

Mind Blown

As of Sunday, there was a guy still alive whose father fought in the Civil War. Wtf.

John Tyler-esque, if I may.

Some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge

Interesting look into the strange classic Ode to Billie Joy, the song that knocked All You Need is Love off the charts during the Summer of Love. From HERE.
 


Here she is on the Tallahatchie Bridge. Not bad.

The Damned-Near Impossible Has Happened

Article on not really rooting for A-Rod, but appreciating that he's there:

Baseball doesn't always need a supervillain, but now that one's here, isn't it kind of awesome? If you can't root for Alex Rodriguez, the person -- and I'm not sure I can ask you to go that far -- root for how amazing and rare it is for him to exist in the first place. Think about the next time Rodriguez strikes out with the bases loaded. The roar will be twice as good as any other player, I'm thinking. The stakes are raised. Here is a villain so perfect, his own team can mess with him and no one cares. That's a villain, alright. Considering that we're talking about a game, though, he's a harmless one. He's Hans Gruber, not a genocidal warlord, and I've never stopped being glad that Hans Gruber existed.

There's another word to describe Rodriguez: underdog. You know how America loves those. You don't have to root for Alex Rodriguez, but it's almost impossible to root against the idea of him existing in the first place. Here's a player who can shine the spotlight back on fans and reveal something about how their brains and hearts work, too. Here's a Rorschach test of a player, and we don't know how much longer we'll have him. What a complicated person. What a complicated story. What a spice this adds to baseball in 2015.

It's a new season, but the sentiment stays the same. Thank goodness for Alex Rodriguez.

Veniens ad Americam

I just found out that the Pope is coming to America, visiting Philly...where' they'll probably boo him, because it's Philly.

Of course it reminds me of when I saw the Pope when I was a young buck!

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Jerry: I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.
George: What do you think it's a bomb?
Jerry: It's not totally impossible.
George: Oh the ego on you.
Jerry: Why can't I be bombable?
George: Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.
Jerry: I suppose you think your bombable.
George: Hey. There's more than a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.

I rarely enter my bathroom without peeling back the shower curtain and expecting someone to be there waiting to chop me up into bits & pieces.

State du Moi

Must say, if I die today one of my regrets would be never having enjoyed in the delights of this shit.

Just Me, or...

...there something funny about this logo? Hmm, how much WILL this move cost you...

Of course, it's no dick-in-a-box-logo.

Ahh, and the long-standing tradition of the GOP foolishly thinking bands not named "Ted Nugent" would like their music to be used to stump continues.

Touching, really. ‪#‎bornintheusa‬

Some things never fucking change.

Only Fools and Horses Scene du Jour

Del: Don't worry. (Indicating the back of the pub) 'Ere look at that - oi, down there - those two there.
Rodney: Do I look like St George? Oh come on Del, look at that one, she's older than the Mary Rose!
Del: She's alright. I thought you said that this girlfriend of yours was a bit of a film star. Well, Bette Davis is a film star.
Rodney: Yeah, well so was Rin Tin Tin!
Del: Don't know, it hasn't bothered you other years, as it?
Rodney: God, look at the state of her, eh.
Del: Eh, what?
Rodney: You can see her wrinkles from here!
Del: Alright, alright.
Rodney: Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, ain't she?
Del: Alright, go on, you can have the better one.
Rodney: That is the better one!!

Thoughts. I Have Them.

There is nothing more satisfying than peeling an orange in a single peel; there is nothing more frustrating than having to chip off the peel into 100 pieces.

Happy Birthday, Goodbye $$$$$

An article on the ridiculousness of children's birthday parties, after the story of a family getting billed when their kid didn't show up at one.

__________________________________________________________________________
           In Brooklyn, children’s birthday parties had become the new wedding reception: endless free booze and food.  Unlike the lame-ass birthday parties when I was a kid that featured a dried-out coconut cake and some asshole kid that inevitably spilled his soda all over everything anyway, these parties had become “keeping up with the Joneses” events that served best those invitees who didn’t have kids themselves and therefore weren’t responsible for anyone else, all without having to give a shit about the costs.  In other words, the Manny’s Holy Grail.

Always Worth a Re-post du Jour

Official Announcement

I am now placing Del Boy Trotter in the sitcom character Hall of Fame, alongside Archie Bunker and George Costanza.

Nothing Could Go Wrong Here

Does A-Rod have the WORST p.r. team ever?

Looking Forward to This

There's no way Im not doing this and then writing about it.

Invisible Girlfriend.

The service is called Invisible Girlfriend, and the idea is that you sign up and pay $25 and they will send you text messages and photos and make you feel as if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend (your choice), and if you can laugh at this without your laughter getting caught in your throat and turning to sobs, then you are a heartless tool.

Oh, where has this been all my life?!?!!?!!

Republican Response to the SOTU

A funny thing about GOP politicians is that they're so eager to point out that they were raised by the very people their party is trained to hate: the poor, the trodden-upon, the GASP! immigrants, etc...ie, the very people today they call the "takers." Interesting.

State of the Union

Impossible now to watch Obama walk into the room shaking hands without thinking of this classic :)

Quite a Life I'm Putting Together Here

5 years of French, and it's only just now I realize "etats" is state backwards.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Listening to tv while taking a shower means that every time someone on the show opens a door you assume someone's walking in to chop you to bits with a butcher knife.

Weekly Wrap-Up

Old BBC shows I've fallen in love with over the past week:

To the Manor Born
Only Fools & Horses
Open All Hours
Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads
The Good Life

From Only Fools & Horses, this is considered maybe the best pratfall of all time (by David Jason, who also starred in Open all Hours.)

Finally

On Salon, someone skips the "Elvis is fat!" etc jokes and reminds us of his greatest moment, his '68 Comeback Special:

Paradoxically, the apex of the show comes in the unscripted “unplugged” segment, wherein Elvis jams informally with his pals, including old road buddies, guitarist Scotty Moore – integral to the early Sun recordings – and drummer DJ Fontana, both of whom he’d abandoned a decade earlier when he headed to Hollywood. They play blues, R & B, and rockabilly, and tell stories and make fun of each other between songs. This segment is raw, somewhat lo fi, even occasionally punky. Here more than anywhere else, Elvis often seems possessed, yet controlled just enough, tapped in to a fount of spirit and soul, invoking a carnal essence that hangs about the small studio space like an entity, drawing open multiple mouths and teasing lips into astonished, toothy grins. Elvis glistens with sweat, and thrashes at his guitar as if in a roadhouse. It’s one of the only instances where you get to see and hear him actually play, and he tears it up.

To me, that part's always been what I considered to be the show itself. Watch the whole awesomeness here, especially my superslice of supeslices, One Night With You (starts at the 45:30 mark.)

Downton Abbey Recap: Season 5, Episode 3

- Mary & dipshit’s dullness last week (“now that we’re in a hotel room after planning our amorous relations for months, let’s go out for a big meal, then maybe I’ll shit with the door open”) was possibly just topped by Mary’s “you may root around my guts with your penis but don’t even think about getting your paws on my breakfast.” Ugh. #unsexy

- Mary: “Nothing’s going to happen that isn’t properly executed.” Hopefully she means the two of them.

- I honestly have no idea how this “Rose & the Russians” thing happened. Ironically, I wouldn't mind being around her with a bottle of vodka...empty or full. (Oh, too soon, Cosby h8rz? Really?!?!!?!!)

- Can we go an episode without Robert worrying that the Drewes are going to get sick of Edith for her showing up? What's next - "Oh yeah Cora, that's feels great....don't stop, baby...say, those Drewes are probably sick of Edith today, aren't they...ooooh, yeah..."

- Thomas on the phone...is he calling Tinder? Oooooh, "Choose your own path." Exciting! Unless the path includes endlessly recycled versions of "sniff out shit on people and then use it against them and even when it blows up in your face you come out smelling like roses and everybody wondering 'yeah, how DOES Thomas stay employed here?' over and over, of course.

- Maybe it's because of the time he tried to sabotage Molesly, but I hate fucking Sprout. Just that empty, dopey surprised look of his. Fuck him and that empty, dopey surprised look of his.

-  If Violet & Isobel hate each other so much why do they hang out sipping tea all the time? They're like every reality show out there: "oh, I hate _____, we're sworn enemies and - oooh, I'm going to Cabo? oooh, let's invite _______!" Fucking hell.

- Love how nobody bothers to ask about Mary's sketches except Edith, whose tone implies something fishy but still gets brushed aside. Everybody hates Edith so much nobody's willing to acknowledge her question by saying oh yeah, let's see the paintings. They're like Republicans who hate Obama so much that if he owned a funeral home, they'd stop dying.

-  “No one’s going to put 50 buildings on my property!” Robert Grantham, business genius as usual. Only hope he lives long enough to turn down free shares of IBM.

-  Are the little kids Owen from Party of Five? Every once in a while they just wheel them out and then the family pretends they recognize them.

- Love how suddenly Hughes, Anna and Mary are private investigators. They're like Charlie's Angels except not hot, smart, nor in any way ever able to figure out anything themselves about anything other than gasping in surprise every 8 minutes.

- "What he did"? Does Anna KNOW Bates did it? Or does she just assume he did because he's a fucking lunatic who's been in jail twice, once under suspicion of murder, and is scary-looking enough to scare her into sleeping with him every night until he dies of old age or kills her?

-  Love to know what all-afternoon “meeting” the Earl has. Is it to figure out how to throw the rest of the estate's money down the shitter, or scheduling dress-up with old war uniforms?

- Even tho he’s lying I like seeing Thomas make Carson look like an asshole re: his “flurry of telephonic communication.” I wanna see a flurry of somebody's fists on Carson's fucking face.

- As usual, Thomas has the best moment of the episode re: his dad never being kind to him.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, Baxter’s gonna find out about Thomas’ dad not being sick and turn it on him.

- Anna to Bates, “ever wonder what it'd be like to start over." Yes, how about in prison?

- Cora on the war: "Sometimes I find myself thinking how busy we were, how useful." Ah yes, longing for those wonderful days of the most savagely violent brutality in human history to date. Sigh. (clutching pillow and spinning the pea, gazing out the window in wonder about old days romping with school chums in the fens and spinneys.)

- Bates to Anna, ad nauseum: “Why are you putting me off? Do I need to go kill another motherfucker?”

- Ms. Hughes to Daisy: "Go as far in life as God & luck allow”…and not, you know, the math et al Daisy’s learning. Pretty sure that's on the Harvard crest: "Luck & God"...actually, that probably IS on the Harvard crest.


- Everybody seems to have an opinion re: whether studying is the right thing for Daisy to do. Usually without even acknowledging her presence. At some point, can't Daisy just say "you losers know I own a farm, right?"

- Carson’s monologue on who has the right to be remembered as being brave during the war while he was screaming at footmen about where to put the shrimp fork was particularly touching.

- Yikes, thanks to Ms. Padmore I can still hear my high school football coach screaming at me: "sympathy butters no parsnips!" #flashbackfriday


 - "Will there be an unwanted epilogue?" "Don't worry granny, I gave it to Anna so Bates can stumble upon it, assume she's cheatng and then split her head open with his cane." "Oh, jolly!"

- Mary: “I learned a great deal I never knew before.” Like when it comes to returning oral delights, Tony Gillingham keeps the mouse in house, unfortunately.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, at some point, the dude that Baxter stole for will re-appear. Yaaaawn.

- Could they have made Baxter’s whole “dramatic story!” more boring? This had less of a climax than my 4th "session" of the day. #puffsofair 

- Bates retelling his events in York: “Posted a letter…ate a sandwich…pushed a guy into an oncoming bus…made inquiries at a shoe shop…”

- “I doubt they’ll remember everything I’ve done before my body’s cold.” Oh but Cora, you pulled off that bazaar in '20 with only about 35 servants at your whim!! It was a MIRACLE!! They'll be talking about that until the cows come home! (oh, wait - the cows are home...who's "Cora"?)

- How would you like to be the actress who plays the woman who thinks that her husband has the hots for Edith, whom the writers always make it clear is the ugliest and most undesired living thing ever?

- As much of an asshole he is for saying it, Robert’s right re: Cora and the art expert. Obviously he's using the old "wow, your thoughts are amazing!" to hit it. Curious to se how it works, as it goes against my own “what are you, a fucking idiot?” tactic when trying to get a woman to like me.

-  Tom’s lips are moving, so I assume it’s “I don’t belong here! I’m leaving!” “Don’t leave.” “Okay.”

- Mary tells Tom things have fizzled with Tony. In other words his poor lovemaking has suddenly  reminded her how much richer Charles whatshisface is.

- Quelle surprise, Tony’s back. Fucking visits more than Matthew during the Battle of the Somme. I had diarrhea that was less repeating.

- Of course Rose invites Ms. Bunting into her Russian refugees thing. What could possibly go wrong?

- This is how much the writers of this show hate Edith: Anna feels sorry for Edith. Yes, the woman married to a fat, old homicidal maniac feels sorry for her. Of course.

 

My Thoughts on the Most recent Episode of GIRLS, "Triggering"

- First of all, THANK YOU for not using the pool wrestling scene as another excuse to show Lena Dunham as naked as possible, by leaving her dress on. again, thank you.

- The line Shosh uttered while watching tv is the most "Shosh" quote ever, and was wonderful.

- Elijah's "Eeeeevery party I go to" line killed me.

- Hannah's "snap out of it" speech to the girl waiting to go to the bathroom was the funniest thing I've seen from her in a loooooong time.

- Anyone else have a sneaking suspicion Marnie's banging Adam?

- Hannah in class was exactly 100% as anyone who's seen the show for ten seconds would expect her to be. Too on the nose, really.

- Did we need to see what felt like 10 minutes of "party! party! party!"? Couldn't that have been shortened? ALso, felt a little too much "let's insert NYC into Iowa."

- Looking at Iowa, now I wanna move to Iowa.

- I assume everyone else is in love with that ridiculously hot brunette. Nom nom fuckity nom.

- It's occurred to me that for someone from the Midwest, Hannah is about as non-Midwestern as you can be. Can three years in NYC really change you that much? One thing I've learned about Midwesterners is they love talking about how Midwestern they are; meanwhile, Hannah's rude and obnoxious and pushy and oblivious to other people. On one hand I know that's just her character, but it seems a bit much when reminded of her rots.

ah, here's my new girlfriend:

Is This the Most Depressing Song Ever That's Not Called "Seasons in the Sun"?

Stumbled upon the old hit Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? during my obsesson with all things BBC 1970's. The show is a sitcom. This is the chorus:

Oh, what happened to you?
Whatever happened to me?
What became of the people we used to be?
Tomorrow's almost over,

Today went by so fast,
The only thing to look forward to is the past? 

Christ. Beefeater bottle for one, please.

The Stones

Someone just asked me my 10 favorite Rolling Stones slices. Here they are.

Rocks Off
Winter
Star Star
Connection
Ruby Tuesday
When the Whip Comes Down
Loving Cup
She's a Rainbow
Have you Seen your Mother Baby (Standing in the Shadows)
Out of Time

Bye Kim Fowley

Kim Fowley has died. He's known most for putting Joan Jett & the Blackhearts together, but to me he'll always be the guy who did the first Modern Lovers demos.

Question du Jour

"Are you sure you don't want a piece of this banging-ass shit I made?"
Follow-up 30 seconds later: "You sure?"

Documentary du Jour.

Good Ol' Freda

About Freda Kelly, The Beatles' beloved secretary (who also ran their fan club) from before when they blew up to after they broke up almost a decade later. Unlike every other person who came within the rarified air of their OUTER circle, much less their supremely inner circle, Freda never cashed in on her closeness to the band. The Beatles treated her like a little sister and their parents like a daughter; Freda's relationship with Ringo's mother and Paul's father in particular was a nice thing to watch. And it all started out because Brian Epstein plucked her out from the gaggle of teenagers who would go to work, then pop over to The Cavern Club for lunch, then go back to work. No big whoop. Fascinating.

Also, a reminder that one day will be left standing the last living person who ever saw The Beatles live.

Check it out today on Netflix.

Funny du Jour

via Dads Winning at Parenting. This is my fave.

Oh, Tom!

But you plow on; and the big blow comes and it's fucking crushing. I've read books where sad shit happens, but never before have I hated the goddam author for delivering it. Beyond tragic/depressing, made me hate anyone and everyone for being a part of the human race. Too much. - XMASTIME

Like Elizabeth Gaskell, Hardy’s books are brutal. Luckily, someone thoughtfully put together an infographic to showcase the misery. Awesome.

Alright Alright Alright

Wooderson's audition tape!

One Kid?

Had to check & see if this wasn't written the moment my dad discovered I'd "steathily" eaten all of the apples out of an apple pie my mother made for dessert one Sunday dinner.

Can We Have Our French Fries Back Now Please?

Republicans are suddenly France's biggest fans because, you guessed it, it makes Obama look bad:

“French” and “France” became a catchall foil for the Bush administration to posture against. Where France was wussy, Bush was strong. Where France and the Democrats were cheese-eating surrender monkeys, Bush and the Republicans were big swingin’ dicks. Then-Sen. John Kerry was a Democratic presidential nominee who happened to speak French, and that was more than enough for the Republican party to work with. Remember when John Kerry “looked French”?

Until recently France stood in for everything that America, at least in the conservatives’ eyes, was not: socialist, pacifist, over-regulated, and homosexual.

But given events in the past week, new descriptors for France have suddenly appeared in the Republicans’ playbook. Where once France was a total vacuum of values, a dystopian image of American life under the fist of moderate Democrat John Kerry, it is now “our oldest and first ally.” 

In their defense, if you'll recall, which I know you won't, it took Dubyanuts to finally make me like France (well, and a later addiction to Les Miserables):

People who read this on a regular basis may think I bash on the Bush Administration too much. Others may spend a lot of time wondering how large my dick is. Either way, when credit is due I give it up, and there is one thing that I have to stand up and give Bush and his pals credit for:

My Liking the French.

Hey, this is surprising even to me. NObody hated the French more than me - I hated them back before it was "alternative"! I thought being born on Bastille Day of all days was the cruelest of jokes, I thought it meant I was, literally, born to hate the French.

But then along came Bush & Co. And the snide "we're better than the French cause we don't read books" stuff, and the over-reaching "surrender monkey" jokes et al. On and on and on. And I'm not even counting Freedom Fries. Years now of having the world laugh at us for being Jethro fucking Clampett. It's funny to me how we scoff at the French for being such surrender monkey fairies, and yet it's US who have let ourselves be ruled by fear and terror even though we are 1) thousands of miles from the Middle East and 2) HAVE OCEANS ON TWO SIDES!!! Yeah, maybe they are busy sitting around eating cheese and drinking wine, but doesn't that sound a whole hell of a lot better than the last coupla years over here? I can't afford wine or cheese cause the defense budget is $800 zillion dollars, and how can I enjoy it anyway knowing that since I'm "free" and love Jesus there are millions of people desperately swarming in to kill me? Oh yeah, and if you need to go to the doctor in France you don't hafta be a Congressman, or play in the NBA.

And so, rather unbelievably, this president's macho bullshitting and "I'm a beer-drinking idiot American!" sloganeering has driven me to like the French. He did have some help, of course. Falling in love with Gordon Ramsay opened the door to me even DREAMING of liking anything European. If I can wanna hang out with a dude from London, floodgates open. Also Ratatouille, of course. And finding out I like Monet a lot. And knowing that I'd rather lead a full life than be an "ASS KICKIN" COUNTRY!" that keeps me in Chinese handcuffs without the very freedoms I pretend to be fighting for. And knowing I don't have to prove my manliness to the whole world cause I was once a cheerleader. Did I mention Ratatouille?

Again, George, credit where credit is due. You did it, good buddy!!! :)

Bill Maher agrees!

In related news, Colonel Sanders want to make chickens a central theme.

Peanut, Peanut Butter

Fascinating article about William F. Buckley and his obsession with Red Wing peanut butter:

Mr. Buckley didn’t just devour the stuff; he rhapsodized about it, telling readers in a 1981 column in National Review, the magazine he founded, that when he first married, he told his wife that he “expected peanut butter for breakfast every day of my life, including Ash Wednesday.”

This lifelong passion was nurtured during Mr. Buckley’s years in an English boarding school, when his father sent twice-a-month care packages that included grapefruits and a large jar of peanut butter. To his astonishment, British pals who shared in his bounty loved the grapefruit and spat out the peanut butter.

“No wonder,” he wrote in that same column, “they needed American help to win the war.”

It's Official: Obama Worse Than Hitler

Season Premiere of GIRLS

One question: how pissed do you think Adam Driver is re: "hold up - I've spent years having to hump Lena Dunham while this guy gets to stick his face in Allison Williams' ass??!?!?"

Story at Vulture about the scene.

Trillionaire?

Moi on the question of "who will become the world's first trillionaire, a few years back:

I think I have the answer (to the first part, that is): whoever comes up with a way to keep goddam ear buds from having to take about 20 fucking minutes to fucking untangle if god forbid they go more than three fucking seconds not inserted into your ears. For fuck's sake, man. 

Looks like someone's done it...well, Amazon.

Correction du Jour

via VOX:

Correction: An earlier version of this post misidentified the actress whose breasts Jeremy Renner joked about. We regret the error.

BBC Slice du Jour

To the Manor Born.

My guy from The Irish RM + my favorite character from The Good Life + late 70's BBC cozy production values? Yes please!

LES NUITS, TOUS LES CHATS SONT GRIS

One of my favorite things about being an American is that I have entire oceans to the left and right of me, Canada to the North of me, and what equals the entrance of  a Wal-Mart to the south of me.  This gives me lots of balls to talk about what a bad-ass I am, despite the fact that in almost 250 years, a single attack has made me completely shit myself with fear and made me undermine whatever was best about me as a country.  Wow!  I'm awesome!

At least I'm not those sissies in France, who by geography are actually threatened by what we pretend to give a shit about.  Gosh, they must be pussies, right?  How socialist, to actually be affected by what we've decided to be complete fucking pussies about!  Les nuits, indeed, fairies! - XMASTIME

The shit might be happening. Will be interested to see how the French deal with it  - I can only imaging it's better than our own shrieking "Eeek! A mouse walked into the room!!" like little schoolgirls modus operandi.

New Slice; The Wrong Mans

Coen Brothers fans may know better, but this is the best comedy thriller I can remember watching. Watch it at http://www.hulu.com/watch/55280.

State du Moi

Just bought this because I 1. love toast 2. saw one of these on Downton Abbey...then immediately remembered I don't have a toaster.

Wasted Opportunity du Jour

Should've started a band called "The Hurting Kind."

The 1795 Time Capsule Big Reveal!!!

....is pretty much only exciting if you're a coin collector.

The opening of the capsule revealed the following items inserted in 1795:

• Pine tree shilling, dated 1652
  

• U.S. half dollar, dated 1795
  

• U.S. half dime, dated 1795 (these three made of silver)
  

• Massachusetts cent, dated 1787
  

• Massachusetts cent, dated 1788
  

• Washington medal, dated c. 1783
  

• New Jersey cent, dated 1787
  

• U.S. cent, dated 1793
  

• U.S. cent, dated 1794
  

• A 4.2-inch by 5.5 inch silver plate.

Beatles White Album Question

After a million years of having this album, I just now noticed that I'm So Tired and Why Don't We Do it In the Road aren't capitalized like all the others. Mind blown.

Fucked Up but Funny du Jour

More ICI.

Attention Xmastime Friends from Massachusetts Out There

A day rarely goes by that I don't thank God for The Beatles, and while I believe nothing will ever surpass the excitement of I Want to Hold Your Hand, maybe rock 'n roll's greatest moment after that was Roadrunner. - XMASTIME

Do the right thing and help make Roadrunner, one of the the single greatest songs ever, the officail state song of Massachusetts by going HERE.

PEOPLE WITH EARS AND HEARTS THANK YOU.

Hey, These Things Happen

ME: So, he's gonna remember to do it, right?
OTHER PERSON: oh yeah yeah, no problem. He won't forget"
"He won't?"
"No way, he's the smartest guy I know. Scary smart. Super smart. He'll do it."
"Cool"
"Unless he just doesn't think of it."
"What?"
"He'll remember to do it, you know, if he thinks of it."
"You just said he won't forget!"
"He won't. I'm just saying, he might not think of it."
"That's...what forgetting means! Not thinking of it, thereby forgetting to do it!"
"No way he'll forget! He's great! If he thinks of it, he'll do it."
"If...he doesn't forget..."
"No way he'll forget."
"As long as...let me get this straight, just as long as he remembers it."
"Right."

(MY HEAD EXPLODES)

Oh For Fuck's Sake Already

Apparently John Boehner fought of enough wingnuts in his party to be re-elected Speaker; in this article we note this:

Because many members of New York’s congressional delegation were in Manhattan for the funeral of former Gov. Mario Cuomo, while others could not be in Washington due to inclement weather, Boehner could have afforded to lose nearly 40 votes among the House GOP’s 247-member conference.

It wouldn't have made any difference but can we all agree this nonsensical "unless they're physically present they can't vote nonsense?

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you bitch about this years ago?"


Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers. YES I DID.

Book Club Potential Nonsense

I'm glad Mark Zuckerberg is starting a book club (and so, apparently, is Amazon), but if they're all gonna be "how to be  a great leader!" books etc like his first selection I will consider it a fucking snoozefest.

The Real Harvard, Not The Hardvard on the Appomattox

Rich Lowry sneers at the chickens coming home to roost for Harvard professors who supported Obamacare and now, for some reason, have to use it themselves:

The enrollment guide from Harvard’s human-resources department explains that rising health-care costs, some caused by Obamacare, account for the changes hitting the pocketbooks of the custodians of learning at Harvard. It cites specifically free preventive services and the extension of coverage for younger adults up to age 26 (as well as the impending “Cadillac tax” on pricey health plans).

Isn't Harvard sitting on a $31B endowment? In other words, are we really supposed to feel bad - can't Harvard cut a fucking check to assuage these costs? Did I use "assuage" correctly here? #probablynot

State du Moi

Because I’m old as hell I hafta get out of bed every 5 minutes to take a whiz, but there is a perverse delight in standing on the cold tile as long as possible, knowing that in a matter of seconds I’ll be back in bed under my warm, cozy covers.

Shew!!

Earlier tonight I thought I'd lost my mind for 20 years.

Luckily, jennie fennelle herself has stepped in to save the day (and my sanity) via the comments section of the post. :)

Chris Christie Loves Him Some Cowboys

Rex Ryan  Chris Christie getting shit for being Jerry Jones' BFF reminds us of this classic.

BBC Slice I'm Obsessed About Now

Been binge-watching The Good Life via Amazon Prime.

So 1975 England in its 1975 Englandness, and looks like it was made for about $10/episode. Hooked :)

(And I'm) Such an Idiot.

Over the years on this blog I've written about my Ramones fan comrade-in-arms during college, jennie fennell (I distinctly remember seeing her handwriting once and she did it lowercase.)

It was through her I got to meet The Ramones, and we rocked an awesome radio show the night before. Finding someone at school who also loved The Ramones meant so much to me that a few years later in 1995, when I recorded my probably-topping-the-goddam-Beatles ep, I included a song about it, titled, of course jennie fennell. (or, as the brilliant photography above suggests, ennie fennell. grrr.)

Over the years I've re-posted the song. I've written about our Ramones kinship. I've corresponded with her a few times over Facebook.

So you can imagine the other day when I was perusing Facebook how shocked I was to see this:

Waaaaait what - I've been spelling it wrong this whole time?!?!? There's an "e" at the end? Wtf??!!

Well. Now I feel like an ass. A complete fool.

But hey, I still like the song...sorry, jennie fennel with another "e" at the end  ;)

Ha!

Years ago I brilliantly wrote:

4) I’m 33 years old, and I still don’t understand why guys are freaked out by gay dudes. To me, this is fucking stupid – hey, Mr. “I love fucking pussy!” Idiot, if some guy is gay THEN THAT’S ONE MORE GUY OUT OF THE WAY OF YOUR QUEST TO FUCK CHICKS!!!!!! Hell, I wish they ALL were gay! I hear a dude is gay, all I think is “nice!” and mentally mark him off the list of dudes I’m competing against for chicks. 

And now for the first time I see from the opening episode of the second series of Blackadder:

Doctor Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
Blackadder: Not really, no.
Doctor Leech: Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain. Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh? 

Thoughts. I Have Them.

There is no moment worse than when you're doing a crossword puzzle & the pen stops working.  And there's no greater joy than a few minutes later when it suddenly begins working again.

Yeezy & Macca

Paul McCartney does a song with Kanye West, whose fans have no idea who he is.

Thanks Kanye!

Now This is Funny

from this week's New Yorker.

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #8

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #7

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #6

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #5

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #4

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #3

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #2

2014 Song of the Year Finalist #1