How the Fuck Long HAS It Been Since I Had a Girlfriend? (A Haiku)

I have never gotten an email from a girlfriend. Or a text, or an IM.
I have never gotten a call from a girlfriend on her cell phone.
I have never had a girlfriend who had a computer.
I have never had a girlfriend who knew who won the 1996 presidential election.
Or knew if OJ did it.
I'v never had a girlfriend say "Never forget!" re: 9/11
Or known Alaska and Hawaii to be states.
Okay, ain't been THAT long.
I have never had a girlfriend who ordered pizza with cheese in the crust.
I have never had a girlfriend who has heard the name "Derek Jeter."
I have never been to a girlfriend's website, myspace page or been her Friendster.

I feel like an old man, frozen in time - like Mr. Burns saying "there's a NEW Mexico?!?!?!" Like I'll be startled next time I unwrap a lady in my boudoir "There's no hair! and what happened to the back of your drawers?!??!" Or like my grandmother, who upon walking in while we were watching "I Love Lucy" said "Desi Arnaz has a tv show?!" Wow.

And yes, I just combined my grandma, a brazillian and tongety-tong tongs. Voila!