Fox News

I understand the 24%; stubborn defenders/apologists for FOX, trying to (laughably) faux-naively claim it's "fair and balanced." But surely the 14% is just a flat-out joke, right? I mean, are you kidding me?

The World Series

Now it's a five-game series. I'm sorry I'll miss tomorrow's "A-Rod's gotta go!!!!!!!!!!!!"-a-thon on the radio.

Just in Case You Didn't Already Feel Old As Shit...

It was 20 FUCKING YEARS AGO last month CJ Ramone played his first Ramones show after Dee Dee had left. Christ. Liver spots, bursting!!!!

Dude was definitely the MVP when they played my pretend college. And threw a Nerf football around with me during soundcheck.

Today's Garfield

Selfish.

Much has been made of the incredibly-obvious absurdity of how can Congressmen hold such disdain for government-run healthcare while enjoying it themselves. This dude HERE has the idea of cutting them off such coverage, pointing out that a personality quirk of the GOP is an inability to empathize with anybody's suffering unless they have personally been touched themselves:

A constricted compassion that arises solely from personal experience has somehow come to seem peculiarly Republican. The most famous examples include former first lady Nancy Reagan's crusade for stem-cell research and former Sen. Pete Domenici's campaign for mental-health insurance parity. While both were admirable and courageous efforts that resulted in important legislation, they were cast as narrow exceptions to conservative ideology -- exceptions grounded strictly in personal misfortune.

Only after her husband began to disappear into the twilight of Alzheimer's disease did Mrs. Reagan perceive the value of the kind of government action they both had spent a lifetime denigrating. Government was the problem, not the solution, according to the Reaganite dogma. But then Nancy realized that federal support for stem-cell research might someday bring relief to patients like her beloved Ronnie, and anguished families like hers. Suddenly, spending hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on something other than Star Wars wasn't such a terrible idea.

The example of Cindy McCain is also fucking sickening.

Republicans are unmoved by the idea that 40,000 people are dying every year because of no health insurance, since extending help to these people would belie their own brave "pull yourself up by your bootstraps, unless it's ME that needs help, then give me some money" credo. Meanwhile the thought of a single person being killed by a terrorist prompts a no-holds barred, empty-the-coffers policy of spending. It's as if Republicans can envision themselves the victims of terrorism, but not disease or trauma. Interesting.

Also why nothing will move on global warming until some Republican's kid drowns due to a melted polar icecap, I reckon.

The World Series

When was the last time the defending world champions entered the World Series with Games 1 & 2 starting pitchers who were not on their opening day roster? Seems like that'd be rare, no?

On the Tip of My Brain

THIS is driving me crazy - isn't there some Dr. Seuss character that looks just like her in this pose? Or a Rankin/Bass rabbit character? Grr. Driving me nuts!

Yet Another Thing That's Wrong with Fucking Professional Sports

Joe Buck just pointed out that as the Pedro "Who's Your Daddy!" chant was about to crest throughout the Stadium, the fucking PA speakers cut in with some fucking blaring Jay-Z music, drowning out the chant, which led to it trailing off. Thanks for nullifying what could be a tiny home-field advantage, you fucking jackoffs.

It's shocking now to flip to an NBA game on ESPN classic from the 80's and see how effective the CROWD was (particularly in Boston Garden) in pushing the home team when it needed it, buoying them not only with their energy and loudness, but their INTELLIGENCE and knowledge of the game and what was happening at that moment. Of course the NBA decided to negate that by filling every single second with jet engine-loud music cranked to the max. And now MLB seems to want to go in that direction as well, which fucking sucks, as I first bitched about back in 2006:

1) I went to Yankee Stadium the other night with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur). Is there anything better than going to a baseball game? Nyet. The food, the open air, the bright colors of the field, everything's perfect. EXCEPT. What the fuck is up with the between-innings ROARING sound system - I wanna kick back, relax, talk to my buddy while the teams switch on the field and I'm barraged with this sound system that is apparently powered by jet engines. Are they scared that if there's not constant action on the field, I'll leave? christ. IT'S BASEBALL - nothing EVER happens on the field!!!!! And then during big moments I've got the scoreboard screaming at me to get up and MAKE SOME NOISE!! GET EXCITED!!!!!! Jesus. Dude, I'm fucking excited already; Im at the damn game! I know the bases are loaded and Jeter's up, I'm not fucking reading "The Bridges of Madison County" in the goddam stands. I know you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just paid $9 for a fucking hot dog, but ... READ MORE

Facebook Needs to Be Stopped Now

Facebook was already intrusive enough, with it's "hey, you might know so-and-so!" nonsense. But now it's stooped to this, making us feel sorry for someone? Now it's "oh look, nobody's sitting with Benny at the lunch table, why don't you make your pals go sit with him?" Wtf? I gotta find friends for this motherfucker now? Really? What's next? "Jimmy's poor, you should be nice to him"?

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

I can't wait for next year's Sitting In Your Bedroom Listening to Records Hero.

Mix Tape Hero?

How about Noticing that Every Song on the Radio Reminds You of the Girl That Just Dumped You Hero?

Fucking christ.


UPDATE: as per his comment here, GodIHateYourBand would like to take credit for this post, since the other day in the car he said "did you know there's such a thing as DJ Hero now?" Obviously that means he pretty much wrote the post, as every minute since then I've spent with my eyes closed and earmuffs on and haven't seen the fucking commercial for this 700000 times already during the World Series.  So thank you GIHYB for taking time out from not posting anything new or entertaining on either of your own two blogs and allowing me to stand on the shoulders of giant. You're amazing.

This Don't Look Like

Al Gore

Xmastime/Marley Throwdown!!!

I spent some of the day arguing with Xmastime frenemy/idol/reason for living/mentor MARLEY about healthcare; I was gonna give you peeps a synopsis but thought fuck it, these people are my fans, they deserve to hear the whole thing. So here's the transcript.

MARLEY: What is clear is that whatever all insured pay, if reform passes in a manner close to its current form, premiums will go up considerably. Given that Obama won't even put his heft behind the only part of health care reform that debatably drive costs down after time (the public option), folks should at least be prepared for it....
XMASTIME: REEAlly? Oooooh, REEEEEally? You don't even know what the FUCK you're talking about!!!!!!
MARLEY: It will actually cost more to insure healthy people as well and the additional costs will result in folks dropping health care. So, perhaps, back to square 1, minus $100 billion.
XMASTIME: you're such a fucking idiot. I mean, seriously, you're a fucking idiot. This is fucking absurd.
MARLEY: Those costs will be passed on to those who currently have coverage with absolutely no suggestion that their existing coverage will be enhanced one iota.
XMASTIME: "Iota"!!  ooooooooh, we know Greek now!! Hey, I was in a frat too, asshole.
MARLEY: And you are right - those costs can theoretically be reduced by preventive care, which would potentially result in lesser costs. So, I'll assume your predicate.
XMASTIME: you're so fucking wrong, just as always. Cause you're just a fucking idiot, that's why. If we weren't online, if you were here in my room right now, I would take that little fucking head of yours and beat some sense into it with as fucking baseball bat, you fucking twat.
MARLEY: This requires a belief in your target audience of the uninsured clamoring for services they have done without until the back-end, and thereby, creating these cost savings.
XMASTIME: Bush sucked!! Dude, Bush was THE FUCKING WORST!!!!!!!!!!
MARLEY: Moreover, the insured who are overloaded by the new taxes, mandates and increased premiums will suffer a fall-off from participation, and ironically, that will mean higher premiums for all and a replication of the same "crisis" that necessitated this childish need for reform (see "millionaires taxes" that feel so right and result in MD and NY taxpayers moving to lower tax states).
XMASTIME: I don't know why you'd think doctors would move to lower tax states, but then I'm not a fucking idiot, so how could I possibly know what the fuck you're talking about?
MARLEY: Indeed, what is the argument that reform - especially sans a public option - will reduce costs, other than the long-term behavioral one?
XMASTIME: God, you're fucking stupid. Dude, seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You need to LISTEN to me!! You SEE me, but you don't LISTEN to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARLEY: What insurance company won't raise rates if it's newest batch of insureds will naturally be the sickest, most expensive who Aetna cannot deny?
XMASTIME: blah blah blah blah (making baby noises, hamming it up for imaginary camera)
MARLEY:Costs rise for all participants on the front end, but the back end shows a decrease because all the previously uninsured now have access to health care.
XMASTIME: WRONG.
MARLEY: As usual, the government will get bigger, the insurance companies wil adjust (and profit), and the folks will bear all those expenses on their backs in the form of higher taxes, federal mandates and increased premiums.
XMASTIME: WRONG.
MARLEY: The current costs for the uninsured are factored into the current health care system.
XMASTIME: WRONG.
MARLEY: their insurance because, with a 150% increase, they figure, "I'll risk it." After all, if they get sick, they'll still be provided emergency and back-end care muich as is provided for the current uninsured.
XMASTIME: oh, jesus fucking christ.
MARLEY: Keep your private religion out of my country club!!!!!
XMASTIME: you're so fucking stupid, and you don't even know it, like Bush. you havent said a single fucking thing yet that even remotely makes sense.
MARLEY: If I was working under the assumption the whole thing would be a success, I'd support it. But like the big Bush domestic governmental initiatives, this will suck dog crap.
XMASTIME: WRONG.

By the end neither had changed the other's mind on the subject, but in America a thoughtful, spirited debate can only lead to good things happening. Official Xmastime "thanks!" go out to Marley - it's not easy to come out and get embarrassed like he did, but he's a good sport, maybe next time he'll do a little better. Either way, thanks buddy!!

The World Series

I'd like to be cool, but being down 0-1 sucks. That said, there's only one team in all of baseball that wouldn't love to be in the Yankees' shoes right now, so camon. Winning four out of six games isn't impossible.

I also don't give a shit about Pedro pitching, one way or the other. He doesn't scare me like he would've 5-6 years ago; I expect him to throw 6-7 good innings, give up one or two runs and then hopefully we can attack their bullpen. 1-1, then win one in Philly and come back to The Stadium. See? I got it all planned out. I'm fine.

UPDATE, 10:32pm: laughing at Yankee fans booing him as he walks off the mound. Tuff not to like Pedro.

Ezra Klein

via Sully:

States wouldn't be able to opt out till 2014...The controversy around the public option is an expression of the controversy around Barack Obama's presidency in general, and health-care reform in particular. Once those issues are essentially settled, the underlying policy isn't going to hold people's attention.

What I've been saying for a year now. Once the political grandstanding is over and the Obama is Hitler! signs are put away and the "oh, NOW we're drawing the line!!!!" outraged indignation has moved on to whichever new "the sky is falling!" mantra the politicians can work people into a frenzy about, healthcare reform will have settled in with most people barely noticing it, and the ones that do will think gee, it sure is handy to have health coverage, ain't it? Certainly by 2014 we'll already have started wondering was it really true that back in the dark ages there was no universal health coverage like every other fancy-pants nation on the planet?

Sniffin' Palin

 Sarah wants to get pizz-naid.

 On one hand, I'm reminded how annoyed I am that every fourth year we hafta pretend Iowa is the most important thing in the world and kiss it's ass, which may or may not explain why I have corn syrup in my veins.

BUT on the other hand, from Day 1 Sarah Palin has told us that she is a maverick who's not interested in doing the ol' "status quo" vis-a-vis what other politicians have always done. "Old Beltway DC Insider Politicians" might see Iowa as a chance to begin applying their message to a national construct of change and reform, a chance to let these most important of potential supporters see what they're about, what they stand for, and what they intend to do. Palin, outside the box as usual, sees Iowa as "you gottsta PAY me."

In other words, she's going rogue. Isn't she awesome?

Blah, Blah, Blah: DUDE - Are Any of These "Things" Nude Photos??!?!?!!

Levi Johnston:

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven't said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way,” he said.

"I have things that can, you know -- that would get her in trouble, and could hurt her. Will hurt her. But I'm not gonna go that far. You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there's -- I'm not gonna do it. I'm not going that far."

Question.

Is the dinner party episode of The Office the only example wherein the single best episode of a great show takes place outside the normal setting, along with having less than half of it's cast present throughout?

These are Kinda Creepy

Cartoonist Ward Sutton explores the misunderstood song Born in the USA.

The Best of Times

One of my "made decades ago on a $16 budget superslices" is on right now. Love this flick. And remember, it came to life earlier this year!

Xmastime 1978-1995 Lady du Week

Presidential Timing

This guy writes about Bush not being stupid, but incurious and arrogant. Which is what everybody pretty well knew already. But he also mentions Bush's bad timing:

What’s the lesson of an exercise like this? The leader has to match the time. Bush’s traits may well have made him an excellent (or at least decent) president in a time of peace, focused on domestic policy, and restrained by Congress. And, in 2000, that’s what we thought we were electing him to preside over. But in a time of war, in a system where the executive can act decisively and autonomously, his decision-making style was a disaster.

I said the same thing last year HERE, when I tried to match up the last three presidents with which terms would've suited their personal styles better.  Sometimes history really is about luck and timing.

Obviously W is easy; we can place him in Clinton’s years. Bush arrived at the White House assuming he would just coast on the existing peace and prosperity, simply doling out jobs and contracts to his good ol’ boy buddies and rolling along. 9/11 of course fucked that all up for him, and at a moment when the country needed true greatness, we were stuck with him. In the relative tranquility of the 90’s his inability to lead and intellectual non-curiosity could’ve been hidden easily.

I'll Be Disappointed...

...if this wasn't intentional.

The World Series

Someone needs to explain to me why Jimmy Rollins going on Jay Leno and saying the Phillies are gonna beat the Yankees is a big deal. Like, what the fuck is he he supposed to say? "Boy, are they gonna kick our asses, Jay!"

Plus, the Phillies are the defending World Series champs; this isn't like the now-annual braying of some dumb fucking Met announcing in March that the Mets are "the team to beat!" even though the last time they won it all a doctor was playing with my balls and asking me to cough so I could play jv football. Come the fuck on, people. Also, Leno used to be a comedian, this wasn't on The McLaughlin Group. Relax.

Sniffin' Palin, NY-23

via Politico:

Former Alaska GOP Gov. Sarah Palin on Thursday endorsed Conservative Party nominee Doug Hoffman over Dede Scozzafava, the Republican Party's choice, in the special election for New York’s 23rd congressional district.

I guess my question would be that if Sarah Palin has built a career out of "Washingont DC better keep their nose out of my shit!!", why is she so comfortable sticking her nose into a congressional race that is 3,000 miles away? What's the difference?

The World Series

Oh, for fuck's sake - I just flipped to ESPN Classic, the 2000 World Series. Yankees/Mets. Andy Pettitte went 7 innings, gave up 0 earned runs. Posada started the 9th-inning rally that wins the game and scores the game-winning run. As I'm watching, Derek Jeter's on deck. And Joe Buck just said "the Mets are in trouble, since they'll be facing Mariano Rivera in the  9th."

What fucking year are we in?

Pig Fest 2009!!!

It was with great sadness that I missed Brothatime!!'s Annual Pig Fest this year at his beautiful home in Leesburg, Va, but Sistatime! was nice enuff to send fotos.

illWill looks baffled while Brothattime!! (r.) thinks "man, this is how the settler's musta done it - grilling a pig for two days and then shredding it to feed dozens of people, with a Dell Inspiron 1525 close by." Meanwhile, since obviously if you have two dudes alone in a room with knit polo shirts you legally need a chaperone, Xmastime buddy Jeff (m.) steps in with a snappy powder blue number to make sure everything's "above board."

"Hi! I'm Paddy Mac...and I'm a porkaholic."

Duties breakdown:

Brothatime!! - supplies the venue, pays for all the food and booze, entertains dozens of people and spends 36 hours without sleep babysitting the 50lbs of meat on the grill

illWill - grins like a fucking jackass at the camera, is probably gay

 

Paddy Mac and his cousin (born on the same day!) pose for a Hallmark Card while that creepy-ass kid from behind the curtain in Three Men and a Baby is looking for some free pork. Yeesh.

Brothatime!!'s acre of hops he grew this summer and in the...hold on...what the...is that a family of Christmas tress walking across the driveway in front of the camera??!?!!!? How cute IS this fucking place? Oh look, a rat just put out his cigarette on my signed Leave Home album. FFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKK, I  HATE Brothatime!!!!

 

At this moment, Paddy Mac officially passed his dad in the "minutes spent speaking to a person of the opposite sex in a lifetime thus far" category. In Brothatime!!'s defense, the 70's were a fucked up time, man. I mean fuck, we were fighting an insurgent war in another country, the economy was in the crapper, and Bruce Springsteen was putting out records - different times, bro.

 

Ohoh. Someone has started to cut into the pork while it's resting. "You stay here, little fella."

So You Think You Can Dance! (better than Xmastime, which you can't, and never will, no matter how much you practice, you little shits) 

 

Okay, now even I officially wanna punch these two in the face.

Hey, get used to it, pal.

Hey, I remember my first drunk-dial too, tuff guy.

  

Another small-town wine maker is about to have his heart broken. "I hope you don't call that a 'strong tannin', sir."

 

Ohoh. SOMEone just found out that agriculture futures are trading lower on the CBOT

17 minutes later.

 

The next morning.

 

Death, Famine, Pestilence, Destruction...Famine with vinegar...and Pestilence, tomato-based

 

 

Can't wait for next year...WHEN I'LL ACTUALLY BE THERE AGAIN!  :)

The World Series

The World Series wager:

If the Yankees win, Sens. Charles Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand will get a supply of Philadelphia cheesesteaks; and if the Phillies win, Sens. Arlen Specter and Robert Casey will get some cheesecakes from Junior’s.

Gee, cheesecake vs. cheesesteak? Yeah, that's equal. Why not just say "Hey Philly, if we win we get to fuck your wives, and if you win we'll come kick you in the balls"?

Ha!

The World Series

The last time the Yankees and Phillies met in a World Series was 1950, ie the last World Series before Bob Sheppard became the Voice of God at Yankee Stadium. If the Yankees win this series and then he dies, I'll be a little creeped out.

Asleep at the Gay Bar for Boys?

I guess the jerkoff-eratti who run ABC have forgetten that Charlie Brown holiday specials for kids are to be shown weeks before the actual holiday so as to make them as untimely as possible, as It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (super-slice) is on right now.

Well, of course last year they fucked it up in the eaxact opposite way, actually showing it on Halloween night...presumably, when kids are trick-or-treating, of course. How will they top that next year? Show an invisible version? Awesome.

Oh, HELL No

Exec Digital Magazine has a sit-down to determine the best fast-food cheeseburger out of Sonic, Five Guys, McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's.

First of all, I don't put much stock in what some high-falutin' kobe beef-eatin high-powered executives think about shitty fast-food burgers. I mean, camon. This is like Ron Jeremy telling me the best way to masturbate. Please.

And while I can't think of any time I've had a Sonic burger (whenever Big Bear and I stop there en route to the beach we seem to load up on cheese tater tots/chicken sammies), the greasy sloppiness of the place makes it believable that it'd be a great burger (though Five Guys, which I personally have behind only Shake Shack, finishing behind it is a stretch - possible, but a bit of an upset in my opinion), I must take issue with a shitty, single McDonald's cheeseburger beating ANYbody out, much less Wendys!  AND tying BK?? Really? I've said before, everything ELSE McDonald's does is awesome, but their burger's stink. To put it even in the same class as other burgers (one step behind Fiver Guys? Are you out of your fucking minds?) is fucking asinine, and immediately disqualifying.

If You Ever Wondered if You Could Murder Lindsay Lohan and Never Come Under Suspicion Yourself, This Might Be the Time to Do It

Sniffin' Kingmaker

Last Friday I wrote about the absurdity of peple who live thousands of miles away deciding they want to determine who should win the 23rd in New York.

Last night Newt "Are you kidding me, I hafta be the voice of reason?" Gingrich noted the absurdity:

So I say to my many conservative friends who suddenly decided that whether they’re from Minnesota or Alaska or Texas, they know more than the upstate New York Republicans? I don’t think so. And I don’t think it’s a good precedent.

I cannot imagine a scenario wherein letting someone like Sarah Palin look at a map of the USA and decide who she wants to work up into a dither can end well. But what the hell do I know?

The People in the Hills...

...with no eyes.

BOO!

Heeeeey, Whadd'ya Know

Braylon Edwards is in trouble. I'm not getting any pussy. And Joe Lieberman is desperately trying to be relevant a fucking idiot. Almost comforting in a way, ain't it?

Holy Shit! FINALLY!!!

Last year I posted about THIS GUY, and said I wanted to ride with him for an interview:

Today's Sighting:

Time - 1:17pm
Where - North 5th btw Bedford & Berry
Slice - "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by the Tokens.
He Was - wailing at the top of his lungs. A+.
My New Goal - get a ride with this guy and interview him! 

Thankfully, someone has HERE.

LOVE THAT GUY!!! 

:)

Congratulations to The Cos

Can't wait for THIS to air on November 4. He'll always be my #1 guy.

The 7th Grade was like the 1960's to me and my classmates: seemingly endless, every moment was hyper-important, and everything had changed by the end of it. And some days Mr. Russell would say fuck it, and put on a Bill Cosby record to let us relax and laugh to. My favorite was always The Chicken Heart. Gotdam I love Bill Cosby.

The Chicken Heart, Part 1


Part 2

Dying!

WHYTHEFUCKDOYOUHAVEAKID?

 

Opt-Out

via Sully:

When others in other states can get such a plan, will there not be pressure on the GOP to help their own base?......Won't many people - many Republican voters - actually ask: why can't I have what they're having?

This is what I've been saying. Getting together and shouting about Hitler and socialism and wondering if Obama was even born in the US is a lot of fun, but at some point a public option will settle in some places and become very matter-of-fact, and one day some Teabagger in, say, South Carolina, is gonna be talking to his cousin in New York and start to wonder "hey wait a minute now; how come I'm losing my house because I made a mistake on an application in the ER and now I can't get coverage for my brain cancer, but my cousin is enjoying the same healthcare for his prostate cancer and isn't missing a house payment at all?" All of a sudden vague, nebulous talk about government spending and fascism and scaring people about a big "government takeover!!!" just so your governor can run for president one day doesn't seem so awesome anymore, does it?

ps - you "anonymous" commentators that wanna launch into the fact that under the government your operation will be performed by a drunken squirrel or wanna remind everybody that you cannot understand the difference between HEALTHCARE and HEALTH COVERAGE by using tired "well then why would the King of Spain come to the USA for a  rare operation??!?!", I've already gone over that HERE.

Jealous

Just overheard a girl in the office saying that when she was a kid she had the Barbie Pool Party Set.

Hmm.

Ah yes, the Barbie pool party set. I saw the picture in the catalog, and it just seemed so…READ MORE...

George W. Bush

 as Tony Robbins:

Bush did not appear to have an overarching theme, but strung anecdotes and jokes together and frequently mentioned his faith in God.

Well. There's something to be said about staying consistent with how he governed, at least.

Call Me a Pig in Shit

Tivoed. After months of searching weekly for it to appear, I feel like I have finally caught my white whale. My ridiculously stupid, implausable, watching-with-a-permanent-"Are you shitting me?"-look-on-my-face white whale. Awesome.

I would NOT be shocked if a live-blog viewing of the this appeared on Xmastime soon.

Can't wait!!!!!!!

Eddie Wilson: (to Rick) The music's got to live, kid. It's got to breathe.

DRUNK MOTHAFUCKAHS

Ballbuster has been blowing up that A&E show Intervention for years now, and last night I actually watched some of it, and I gotta say: like anybody, I sometimes think I over-do it. Way too many beers after softball, maybe try to be Mr. Sophisticated and have some skinny bitches while watching a documentary on jewelry-making in Chile turns into a night of drunk-texting that is harmless though wildly embarrassing, comforted only in knowing that the recipient knows that I'm an idiot, and if they're getting a text from me at say 2am I'm probably wasted so it's ignored.

But if I find myself tearing apart everything in my room and then standing in my front yard completely naked trying to pick a fight with a sibling who has brought over food to me because they know that it's 2 in the afternoon and I'm probably in the bag and haven't eaten all day, and this doesn't even seem strange to them at this point, I think I might think "you know, MAYBE I have a problem." I mean, good lord. These people are beyond sad.

Like Tony, whom I wrote about last year: (AND INCLUDES THE GREATEST INTERVENTION SCENE OF ALL TIME!!)

7:00am - Tony gets into the shower with a 12-pack, starts guzzling.
7:20am - here's Tony making his coffee "Irish" at the breakfast table.
7:21am - Tony decides to make his sausage links, eggs and waffles "Irish" too
7:45am - here's Tony in the shower again; he's forgotten he's already taken one.
8:30am - here's Tony goofing around on the riding mower, chasing the kids around the lawn while they wait for their school bus. How charming - Tony has made quality time with his kids "Irish" too.
10:30am - here's Tony at the office (HOW DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS?!?!?!!) with a huge cup of vodka. But its in a Solo red party cup, so no one will ever figure it out. READ MORE...

Circular

Blubbering like a fucking baby over THIS SONG for two days reminded me of a woman I met back when I was in the real estate game; I met her at the front stoop of the house and man, talk about your classic Mrs. Xmastime Horse Face, I was S M I T T E N tout suite. So we're standing there waiting for someone, maybe the owner, I dunno (ed. note - now I remember, twas her husband. prolly why I didn't hit it), and we're shooting the shit, and I guess I asked her what she does and she says that she's a keyboard player. I roll my eyes in my head well, I guess her husband's got the money for the house, as everyone I know in NYC is a "musician." But I'm making convo and I say hey, I gotta buddy who's a great keyboard player, blah blah blah. She brightens up oh, who does he play with? And I tell her, and of course it's one of my friend's bands of which about 4 people know exist, so she just politely smiles oh, I don't think I've heard of them. So I'm like well, who do you play with and wait for her to excitedly tell me the name of some ironically-named-with-8-words psychobilly western jazz fusion comedy goth band, and then ironically brag how they all can't really play their instruments but that don't matter cause it's "real music."

"Peter Gabriel."

Fuck. Now I gotta find out if she played on my new "crawl under the bed naked and cry while rubbing Country Crock all over" slice.

Hmm.

UPDATE: found her! Bangin hot. I wonder if she ever bought that house...(hitting BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY STALKING case...) 

It Ain't Xmastime if There Ain't No Snowe

Olympia Snowe is bummed that people might have access to healthcare instead of getting to wildly applaud bi-partisanship that doesn't actually exist:

"I am deeply disappointed with the Majority Leader's decision to include a public option as the focus of the legislation," Snowe said in a statement. "I still believe that a fallback, safety net plan, to be triggered and available immediately in states where insurance companies fail to offer plans that meet the standards of affordability, could have been the road toward achieving a broader bipartisan consensus in the Senate."

 Dang. America will be missing out  :(

Watertiger slapping her motives around HERE.

Wasn't I just nice to this chick recently? And now she wants to ruin what could be a friendly relationship? Camon Olympia. You're not hot enough to KEEP pissing me off.

Well. Who Could've Possibly Seen This Coming?

Well, That Bottle of Wild Turkey Will Help

via Slice.

How Did This Happen?

Todd Haley is the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs...yet he never played high school or college football. What? Has this happened before? Does this seem incredible to anybody else? Wow. Even Paris Hilton did some whoring around as a young cum-guzzling skank before she started getting paid for it, right?

Bill Moore

Talking about Robert Johnson made me think of my own hometown's blues hero Bill Moore, whom my buddy Rylo discovered a while back, and is responsible for there being a plaque commemorating Moore in Tappahannock. Christ, look at me here at Moore's grave. So young. Who KNOWS how much ass I was bustin at that time?!?!??!

Robert Johnson

The Search for Robert Johnson

There should be a separate channel dedicated to playing documentaries about Robert Johnson on an endless loop. One day I'll collaborate with my buddy Rylo and tell the story of our going down to the Delta to find Robert Johnson ourselves in 1999. Creepy. Surreal. Thrilling. Maybe I'll see if my old Oxford friend Tricky Dick Waterman, who found Son House in the 60's and would sit in my office at Sir Speedy and ramble on in that whackadoodle voice of his as long as I'd let him, is still alive (turns out he is...and we have the same birthday!!!!)

Plus, Johnson himself is an August 16ther.

Side note book slice:

Things That Drive Me Fucking Bananas

People that count off their move 1 2 3 4 5 6 clack clack clack clack etc etc. The board is based on a 10-square system; you should be able to instantly know where to go just by glancing at the board. For fuck's sake. Also: kidnapping little girls. Shit's wrong, people. Wake up!

Why So Happy, Fellas?

These guys just found out

a) about the rim job I got in high school
b) me gettin some ass in the Dairy Queen bathroom
c) about my "yeah well, he ain't here now is he?" line when a girl I was hooking up said she had a boyfriend
d) about me banging a soft-core porn star in a hallway next to the Turkey's Nest

Faux-Toughness

Yglesias writes about the recent misuse of our real power HERE, including a quote from some other dude:

It turns out, rather, that neither the Poles nor the Israelis care overmuch about the other; rhetorical support for the neocon vision of liberty/missile defense/bunker busting/awesomeness/sexy/democracy/whiskey collapses in the face of real world material interest. In the end, it’s almost as if our allies value material and institutional commitments to their defense more than they value a nebulous American reputation for “toughness”.

I've bitched and moaned countless times here re: the stupidity of treating foreign policy as if you're a jv football team at your opponent's Burger King. The rest of the world doesn't sit around going "wow, America's tough!", they think "wow, that seems like a waste of time." Of course this is even more glaring when the cowboys/indians crowd is immediately followed by adults who take their jobs seriously.

Saturday Night A-Rod

Two years ago I wrote HERE about my gay, hyper-sensitive/girlie way of noting how superstar, kazillionaire athletes interact with their "happy to fucking be here, skip" teammates:

There’s a reason A-Rod is my favorite guy, and it has nothing to do with the homers, the inevitable Gold Glove etc. Over the years as I’ve been watching, I see things. I see that every time a Yankee, no matter whom, hits a home run who is right there to greet him, having some laughs in the dugout? A-Rod. He’s not in the video room obsessing over his swing or talking to Boras, he’s right there. And even more so throughout this year, when in the beginning the Yankees were bringing up a new 22-year old pitcher seemingly every day. Every day these kids (Clippard, DeSalvio etc) would get SHELLED and Torre comes out to get the ball, the last Yankee that would be on the mound giving them a pat on the ass was A-Rod. And to most fans that might not mean shit, but to me, I notice that stuff and it means a lot. To a 22-year old baseball player, A-Rod is a huge deal....A-Rod's definitely more Mickey than Joe D. To me, the greatest compliment of all: a great teammate.

I thought of this tonight when Tex hit a sac fly to center, which allowed Brett Gardner to score and A-Rod, on deck, charged after him to slap him five. Now, I wouldn't call Brett Gardner a "nobody," he's been around for a year now, but the only reason he was in the game (and on the post-season roster) was to be a pinch-runner. But the cameras really caught it, and made me think about what I had posted two years ago. And then after the game I went to the Daily News website and saw this picture (below), and then asked myself  "A-Rod is played by Fred Armisen? Really?"

Big-Ass Burger

If you're worried you won't get to Japan to try out the Windows 7 Burger King Whooper, or barely-legal bukkake, HERE'S THE CLIFF NOTES if you wanna stroll down to you local BK and try it out (the burger, that is...for the bukkake, I "come to you"...cough...). Strangely enough, I banged a girl in a BK bathroom once. Actually, it was Dairy Queen, but still...Queen/King...Regina King started out on 227, and here I am SWEARING I wasn't jerking off when  I started this post. Life, eh? Eerie how things tie together sometimes, right!!!!????!!!

Hmm.

If the Yankees win the World Series, then THIS TIDBIT will get even creepier. It's like they were just waiting for a Democrat in the White House. Wtf?

New York Yankees

The last World Series game the Yankees played in was losing Game 6 in 2003 on October 25. When Rivera's final pitch tonight popped into Jorge's mitt, the clock read 12:01am, October 26. There is a poetry to moving on.

Horse Puffs, Anyone?

On Mad Men tonite the challenge is to sell horse meat to dogs, which reminds me of when longtime Xmastime Senior Division Lady Friend and Gordon Ramsay buddy Janet Street Porter tried to get more PEOPLE to eat horse meat.

Lookit that!!  You KNOW them horse teef can tear the hell outta some horse meat!!!!!

Seal Has a Forked Dick?

New Marah Single!!!!

Check out my new favorite slice that you can download for free HERE!

Dave Bielanko:

In my short lived "pre-music" days I was a footballer. I played center for the Conshohocken Golden Bears. I weighed in at 68lbs and I sucked hard. Once we played East Falls on the frozen dirt field across the street from "Pat's Steaks" in South Philadelphia. I'm guessing we lost. Mostly I remember "East Falls" hitting their thigh pads and clapping their hands to the Queen "We Will Rock You" beat and chanting "Put 'em in the Graveyard ooh ah" over and over. It was terrifying.

Aha

There's a melody in The Book of Love song below that was driving me crazy re: I've heard it before, and just now realized it's So Cruel. Slice.

I Am the Biggest Pussy in the World

Via XMASTIME:
I've seen maybe 6 episodes of Scrubs in my life, but just stumbled on the series finale (which ALWAYS get me!!! fucking series finales, I'm like fucking putty in their hands!  fucking christ) and they had the requisite slow-montage of tearjerker moments, and they did it to this song, and fucking hell I about fell apart like a fucking schoolgirl. Fucking christ. Do men have periods? Am I pregnant? Everyone was right, I'm a pussy faggot. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

This is the Scariest Fucking Thing I've Ever Seen in My Life

thanks Marley

From The Sports Guy's Mouth

AHEM

The Yankees are pulling for each other, slamming shaving pies into faces and looking unbeatable; even worse, it's the kind of likable, quirky (albeit, expensive) team that the Red Sox once had before they dumped their front office, ignored human intuition, decided that "business-like" was better than "personable," and used complicated statistical engines to assemble their 2009 roster.

Baffling.

People are funny. Yesterday Congress appropriated a $680 billion for the Department of Defense in FY 2010. Which, whaddya know, isn't even the entire cost. But people don't get up in arms at this, nobody calls this some sort of "government takeover" or "socialism," since we've had it drummed into our head to be terrified that at any moment we could be attacked, or blown off the face of the planet. So we quietly accept the ol' "no cost is too great for our safety!" routine and don't much think about it.

Any yet this year, about 500,000 people will die from heart disease. That's about 1500 people per day, or a 9/11 every other day. And yet we aren't hounded with the same fear as with our defense, we're not running into each other like the Three Stooges, frantic with fear that someone well-rehearsed on the monkey bars will slip into the country and load us up with Snickerdoodles and fried eggs. When it comes to half a million people dying every year there IS a cost that's too high, yet for something that might happen, but probably won't, and never really has, to even suggest there is a price too high to pay is seen as lunacy. Fascinating.

Why can't Congress gin up the same fear for our health as people have about our defense? Why can't they pound it into people's heads that if we don't get a grip on healthcare, you will fucking die of a heart attack? How have they been so successful promoting fear about something that has a fraction of  a fraction of a chance of killing you, yet is spinning it's wheels about something that will kill 1 out of every 5 people in a room? Why do people take to the streets and go crazy with anger when the government suggests doing something to help prevent 500,000 people from dying every year, but are perfectly fine with our national defense being run as socialism, to the cost of $2,700/person per year?

Unrestrained socialism for something that MIGHT kill you = GOOD, unrestrained socialism for what WILL kill you = BAD.

Got it.

Monty Python

Life of Brian is great, and The Holy Grail is a super-slice I could watch on a loop. And I've loved the doc IFC has been running all week of them talking about how it all happened, but I can't say I've ever been a fan of their tv show. For one, I haven't really seen it, so maybe I should give it a chance. But whenever I see a clip I have a hard time with the accents, same as why I can't watch The (British) Office. Which is strange - my being the single greatest, absurdly almost-bordering-on-scary ridiculously talented musician I have ever seen, you'd think my ear would pick everything up quickly, but it don't.

HOWEVER.

Following the success of Holy Grail, reporters asked for the title of the next Python film, despite the fact that the team had not even begun to consider a third one. Eventually, Idle once flippantly replied "Jesus Christ and His Lust for Glory", which became the group's stock answer once they realised that it shut reporters up.

No matter how great Life of Brian was, Eric Idle cracking "Jesus Christ and His Lust for Glory" has to be the single funniest thing ever said out loud. I mean, I couldn't have come up with that in 100 years, and Idle just tossed it off like that. Fucking incredible. I say that over and over, and it fucking kills me. What a line. I can't imagine anything that could be funnier.

I Am Seriously Considering...

.......ACTUALLY LEAVING MY HOUSE FOR A BIT TONIGHT. EVEN IF ONLY TO SIT ON SOME RANDOM STOOP (sorry, craps) and watch chicks walk by. Some fresh air. Maybe. Whatevs. Will keep you posted.

McSame Ol' Shit

I guess John McCain hasn't convinced the folks on tv that he has no fucking idea what the fuck he's talking about and could not be less relevant in Congress, since they insist on having him every fucking Sunday.

Foser: “John McCain is not president, he chairs no Senate committees, he represents two percent of the U.S. population, he lacks a strong constituency even among his own party — a party that is pretty widely disliked and has taken a thumpin’ in two straight elections. He is not playing a central, or even peripheral role in the health care debate. And yet he’s on television all the time.”
Benen: “But it’s the Sunday shows’ obsession with McCain that continues to be so absurd. … McCain isn’t playing a role in any important negotiations; he hasn’t unveiled any significant pieces of legislation; he isn’t being targeted as a swing vote on any major bills; and he’s not a member of the GOP leadership. He’s just another far-right senator, with precious little to say that couldn’t have been predicted in advance. Indeed, we already know exactly what he’s going to say this week.”

The media's obsession with the same group of people who got everything wrong has been going on for a while now, and is still strange. But at least it will be fun to watch after McCain dies, and they still wheel his coffin in front of the cameras every Sunday. And he still gets the same amount of stuff right.

John Lackey Needs to Shut the Fuck Up

"The guys battled. It says a lot about our team. We overcame a lot."

Dude. You were given a 4-run lead before they turned the fucking lights on, and then your closer, who was shitting himself and looked like he had just seen a werewolf, was lucky enough to have Nick Swisher come up to the plate, who is hitting like Michael J. Fox without his medication. So do yourself a favor, and shut the fuck up.

ps - that closer will cost the Angels the series. Book it.

Ah, Yes

The JOE MUST GO campaign has begun. Of course.

Bagging Champ!

I love this shit. I mean, it's not exactly the blindfolded guy solving a Rubik's Cube in 11 seconds, but I'm fascinated by anybody who's the best at something. Probably cause I'm mildly good at a few things, but the best at nothing.

I lasted bagging groceries at Food Lion for about 3 days the summer I graduated high school. The shit made me wanna blow my fucking brains out; a fucking endless stream of people buying $9000 worth of food at a time. Fucking hell.

Go get 'em Acola! Bring the title back to NYC!! :)

Sniffin' Palin

A coupla weeks somebody, maybe Matt Yglesias, wondered why it's okay for political candidates to accept financial contributions from people who aren't their constituents. Now I wonder why it's seemingly okay for someone from a state 3000 miles away to endorse a candidate in a New York congressional race. Sarah Palin is somebody who didn't like the bothersome work of actually governing but has a unique amount of influence over a segment of the entire US population, who will now be sending checks from all over the country to a guy they couldn't pick out of a lineup and whom will not really be held accountable in any way by them if elected. Strange.

I Mean, For Reals

Why don't more restaurants have twice-baked potatoes? You'd think they'd be fairly standard. But you never see them. Wtf?

From the "I Couldn't Have Made That Up in 100 Years" Department

Bush: Mission Impossible.  Awesome. God, I miss that guy.

Umm...to Be "Different than any other woman in politics"...

....don't you actually hafta be, you know, IN politics? Wtf?

Luck, Perspective

Hey, I'm all for this one-legged golfer guy.

But.

He ain't no Sugarfoot. Still fucking amazing.

Wisdom

Every politician, every entertainer, every athlete, every anybody dude who's rich and famous I'm sorry, but he's gonna be getting as much ass as possible. Period. Why do we still pretend to be shocked by this? Yes, males are pigs. That has not and will not change. I wrote HERE about the opportunity cost of faithfulness. But why do so many famous dudes keep falling for this? And by "falling for this" I don't mean "get caught banging some waitress in a dumpster," I mean "get caught cheating on a wife that inexplicably exists."

Derek Jeter has 4 World Series Rings. He is a first-ballot Hall of Famer who will be spoken of in hushed tones for hundreds of years. He is an immortal of our Nation's Pastime, he will forever be seen as a symbol of everything that is great about America.

And yet as time goes on, Jeter's single greatest legacy might be this: hey asshole, if you're incredibly rich and incredibly famous...DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!

Marriage in and of itself can be a great thing. But, if you're rich and famous, the odds of it becoming something terrible skyrocket. There was a college football coach in the 50's (maybe Texas's Darrell Royal?) who, upon being asked why he ran the ball so much, said "when you throw the ball only three things can happen, and two of them are bad."

It's the same thing for rich, famous guys. They can:

1) marry the love of their life and somehow stay true, despite the endless roadtrips and moneyed opportunities.

2) meet someone after they're married that they normally WOULDN'T have met were they NOT rich and famous, and quietly engage in an affair, which their wife of course knows about and, instead of divorce, holds it over their head for the rest of their life until the guy is Daniel Stern in the beginning of City Slickers and everybody involved is fucking miserable, albeit "together" and "quiet," until they die early, miserable deaths.

3) have an affair with someone who decides to make things public, either for genuine "he loves ME!!" reasons or for $$$$$$$$$$$$$  or reality show reasons, therein destroying said rich & famous person's marriage, career, legacy and making them the butt of jokes for all eternity.

We are in the year 2009. Young, hot, rich, famous dudes seem desperate to get married. And yet that is the kiss of death for them. And yet the only person who seems to have figured this out is Derek Jeter. Cap. Doffed. (call me, Jeets! I love pussy!)