Headlines That Would Actually Be Newsworthy if One Word Was Changed

"No, Really, I Have Always Been Extremely Concerned with Trade Deficits, Capital Gains Taxes and Emissions Trading."

Wow.

Even in her latest 9th grade book report wherein she is concerned with the president's naiveté re: foreign policy (I'm sure he'll lose about as much sleep over her concerns as Bush does by my thoughts on him), my gf Meghan, despite her "outrage" and "indignation" about the subject becoming such a big deal a few weeks ago, just can't stop talking about her giant tits:

As the fighting in Afghanistan continues to escalate, I can’t help but believe that soldiers are being left behind both by this administration and the media. The media has seemingly lost interest in these wars and doesn’t give them the proper coverage they deserve. On the same day CNN was producing news breaks about my cleavage in a Twitter picture, 14 soldiers had just died in Afghanistan. As Obama stalls and hesitates to make decisions, these soldiers in Afghanistan are not being given the support they need.

Wow. At this point, surely I can't be the only person who is now wondering how she's gonna work her funbags into her father's eulogy one day, am I?


"My father was a hero at war, and in the United States Senate...I'm so sad he's gone, it's so tragic, just like how tragic it was when everybody was so fixated on my cleavage back in 2009, which you can see at ------------.com, instead of focusing on the two wars my father had bravely helped to insist we prolong through today in 2025..."


Her tits have become her own version of Guiliani's 9/11.

Heidi Xmastime

Anyone who reads this blog and knows my "proclivity" for equine-faced ladies would understand why Heidi Fleiss might be in my wheelhouse. I mean, lookit them teef!!

Right now I'm watching some doc about her on HBO, following her efforts to open a brothel for chicks. A "stud farm," if you will.

Obviously the first thought is that you have a better chance of selling vagina chops to the Village People than you do sex to women. But mostly I've noticed that she's made a big deal of placing the brothel in the town of Crystal, Nevada, because it's "a beautiful sounding name." Which means now she has to explain why the place isn't going to be named "Heidi Fleiss' Crystal Balls." Hmm.

Thanksgiving with Paddy Mac

Mostly, I'm pissed that he came up with the name "Chickenbeef" before I did  :)

In America

The White House gate-crashers are pretty cool, since they show us that if you're white, you can apparently stroll into the White House unhindered; meanwhile, if you're black, you might get arrested for trying to get into your own house. Great.

Jeter

As he just won his fifth World Series ring, had an MVP-caliber "fuck you h8ers" season which included passing the Iron Horse for the Yankees hits record and is banging Minka Kelly, SI making him the 2009 Sportsman of the Year probably makes this the perfect time to remember that Derek Jeter's days as a New York Yankee are numbered, so we should take a moment to step back and realize we are presently watching the career of one of baseball's all-time players.

Of course, I also like this guy's idea of Eunice Kennedy Shriver being given the honor posthumously. But then, I guess she'll still be around next year.

Shit's Personal Now

I haven't been paying much attention to the "fact"-checking of Palin's book; I've assumed it's pretty much all bullshit, and entire lifetimes could be swallowed up by trying to wade through to any semblance of the truth.

But now I find out she's somehow snared one of my all-time guys, John Wooden, into her cobwebs of bullshit? Oh, HELL no!!

I say, I say now - this means, WAR, son!!!

Irony, White Courtesy Phone: Anyone Else Think He's About to Swallow a Big 'Ol Fat Dick Being Lowered from the Ceiling?

Here We Go

I haven't really paid attention to the whole Tiger Woods story, but I'm pretty sure that at some point we'll find out he was banging out some chicks, at which point we all as Americans are gonna hafta do our by-now rote, collective show of outraged indignation and "shock!!!!" that one of the most famous and richest dudes in the history of the world couldn't fight temptation. Yawn.

We Learned More From a Three-Minute Record Than We Ever Learned in School

After a long weekend of Brothatime!! making fun of Bruce ("hey, is this one about a train coming down the tracks? Does Bruce have any songs about driving down the highway? Really?") I come home to David Brooks writing about him (Bruce, not Brothatime!!):

I’m not claiming my second education has been exemplary or advanced. I’m describing it because I have only become aware of it retrospectively, and society pays too much attention to the first education and not enough to the second.

In fact, we all gather our own emotional faculty — artists, friends, family and teams. Each refines and develops the inner instrument with a million strings.

Last week, my kids attended their first Springsteen concert in Baltimore. At one point, I looked over at my 15-year-old daughter. She had her hands clapped to her cheeks and a look of slack-jawed, joyous astonishment on her face. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing — 10,000 people in a state of utter abandon, with Springsteen surrendering himself to them in the center of the arena.

I Would Like Some Dick in 2012

The DRAFT DICK CHENEY FOR 2012 clamor has started, surprising exactly nobody of course.

A new group wants former Vice President Dick Cheney back in the White House.

The organization - "Draft Dick Cheney 2012" - launched on Friday, and unveiled their new Web site. Their aim: To convince the former vice president to seek the Republican presidential nomination in the next race for the White House.

I for one would love to see him run, obviously for reasons including a real airing of the nonsense he propagated for 8 years. It would be a stunning deluge of shit collapsing on all of us a lá the overstuffed closet door. Though mostly I'd like to see it so we once again show the world how ass-bafflingly stupid we are. I promise you that no matter how revolting the shot that gets revealed, no matter how much in black and white terms it's pointed out that he was partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to the country in decades, at least 40 million people will walk to the polls and pull the lever for him. Cause we're stupid, and Cheney running would be a great barometer of just how stupid we are (more so, incredibly, than Palin running.)

Of course all of this will surely be moot, as if there's one thing we know about Cheney it's that it's pretty impossible to draft him for anything. So.

The Guys, Just Hanging Out Rockin (No Big Deal)

The Gang

Fung Wah Bullshit

Just got off the fucking Chink bus. I'll say this: when Bush was in charge, those fucking buses ran on time. Nowadays, with Obama bowing 24/7 to them, they seem a bit uppity and come/go as they please. Unacceptable.

Say It With Me:

"Clinton's Fault"

The Gang

DAY 10 TOTAL FUCKING DISASTER

I AM GOING TO DIE A BIG FAT FUCK

Philly cheesesteak from Subway. Burger/tater tots tonight. And now 1200 calories from half-gallon of milk. 7-3 going into Thankjsgiving? What the fuck am I thinking?!??!!???!!!

:(

a picture

Good News

The Beatles History Channel doc:

"On Record" tracks the group's music from the Cavern Club in 1962 to the rooftop show in 1969. It's an in-house production, directed by Bob Smeaton for Apple Corps, and accordingly, it pays zero attention to the personal drama that finally broke up the band.
So for deep Beatles fans and scholars who find the internal tension fascinating or critical, "On Record" provides no new insight.
On the other hand, those who really only care about the music should be delighted.

Song of the Aughts Nominee

Susan Boyle

She has TRUE TALENT.

Album drops today, who's buying?

She starts HERE.

HOOLY SHIT tv programming note

The Beatles, on the History Channel, Wednesday.

I got news for Brothatime!!: this is what we're watching tomorrow night. Period!

Debunked

Kiko Jones shows us an article in SPIN debunking many of rock's greatest myths; of particular interest to me is FINALLY someone agrees with me that this smug, idiotic "Nirvana ENDED hair metal!" nonsense people have always tried to tell me is complete nonsense.

The legend of Nirvana has always demanded that the band be viewed as a sea change in popular taste -- the meaningless but oft-rehashed factoid that Nevermind knocked Michael Jackson's Dangerous off the top spot on the album chart, as if sales turnover didn't exist until Kurt Cobain came along.

But the most enduring fable has always been the one about how Nirvana, and grunge in general, rid the world of foofy coiffures and pink guitars and power ballads overnight.

By the time Nevermind charted in October 1991, hair metal was already long on the way out.

I don't now why, but it's very important for Nirvana's fans to place them on some strange artistic-cleansing level of "greatness;" it's not enough for them to think Nirvana was a perfectly good band, they also hafta somehow make them the righteous slayers of what they see as a "fake" music. The thinking of course is the second Poison fans heard Nirvana they realized which music was "real" and ditched Poison, and probably sat around their bedrooms being ashamed of ever having loved such "fake" music in the first place. Which, of course, didn't happen. Nirvana was a good, if not original, band that sounded like tons of other bands but was at the right time/right place like any band that blows up. Nirvana fans want you to believe that people were led to the music shops to buy Nevermind by some strange desire for "real music" in some weird "if you rock it, they will come" happenstance of zen-ness. Nirvana fans cannot accept that the same machinery that was in charge of making, say, Warrant bigger than Huey Lewis was the same machine that put Nirvana on every radio and tv across the land. No no, they want you to think, THEIRS was a real "grass roots" movement. Hmm.

Like any other music genre, grunge had it's day, and then ran it's course. One final thing for these "Nirvana killed hair bands!" idiots to consider is that if it can be said of Nirvana/hair bands, couldn't the same be said for boy bands and Britney/grunge? OUCH, right guys?

Firesire Memories

Lady Gaga on Leno Right Now

Oh my god...is that outfit supposed to make her look like Anton Ego from Ratatouille?


I LOVE HER EVEN MORE NOW!!!! WORLDS COLLIDING!!!!

It Was 25 Years Ago Today

My New Plan

Becuause I'm not satisfied with the amount of unbelievably awful tv I'm watching, I let myself get hooked a little bit on the Dr. Drew Sex Addict show I mentioned below, mostly because one of the chicks is banging hot. Also because I think it's funny that the first thing they do with a sex addict is to put him in a room 24/7 with several porn stars. Hmm.

Anyway, there's this one chick like I said, and it turns out that not only was she a supermodel, but she has spent her life trying to replace Daddy; she says any dude she's with is practically a twin of her father. First of all, I'm on my knees praying her dad is jobless, 100 pounds overweight, has an afro and unbelievable foot odor, because it turns out she's this chick:



She also starts bitching about all the dudes that fuck her once, and then, and I quote, "don't come back for more." What the fuck? Who are these dudes? Good lord. If I got in that shit it would take the Ass National Guard to get me out. Are you fucking kidding me? "From my cold, dead penis!!!!!"

Oh yeah, and she's never had a boyfriend. She tends to fall for a guy and obsess to the point of lunacy, following them around - "If he smiled at me, I'd be high for days; if not, I'd be curled up in bed crying for days." Where are these girls? These psychotically absurd women who are desperate for any kind of intimacy WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO FUCKING BE HOTTER THAN FUCKING BALLS?!??!!!!!!!

Jesus.  I gotta start loitering around these fucking rehab places. Seriously.

See? Cats Really ARE Assholes

 

Mukluks: Dependable Renegade

Xmastime: Adult

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The Ultimate GOP Conundrum

More war, but taxed.

Mind? Blown.

I guess that'd be like someone like me saving a tree by not aborting a baby.

Cost? What, Me Worry?

People are starting to wonder how we're gonna pay for an escalation in Afghanistan. Which is funny, since one thing we all know as stupid real Americans is that when it comes to pretend wars, it's perfectly fine to simply print the money regardless of the actual price, unlike, say healthcare, for which it's more important to scare the shit out of people about something they do not understand  deficits than actually make happen if it doesn't pay for itself. I mean, I'm sure there's a reason the Pentagon doesn't include wars into their budget, but to see this as something curious of course makes you a sane person Jesus-hating traitor.

Thankfully, Obama is looking to have actual accounting during his administration and not an endless run of magic tricks and "looky, a shiny quarter!!!"-type distractions. To be honest, as I look back I'm mildly surprised Bush didn't simply offer to just buy everybody in the country a pony. Who can be bothered to look into things like budgets and deficits when you're making new ribbons to put in Miss Elijah D. Pony's beautiful, silky hair? Certainly not me.

I Am Vindicated!

Xmastime wrote this three years ago, prolly in between bouts of fucking:

Remember, YOU decide what "American Values" are, they're not whatever the dipshits in power tell you they are. Maybe we find out American values include beating up puppies and cussing in church; que sera sera. Let the values chips fall where they may.

So you can imagine how proud I am that the American people have taken this notion to heart, as shown in this sweet vid of a Town Hall Meeting, wherein real Americans heckle and laugh at a some dumbass woman whining about her daughter-in-law dying because she didn't have health insurance. My legions have started moving!  Do I get to be President next?

Architects

I just flipped to some dude on The Colbert Show in time to see him mention that Jefferson was our greatest architect/President. Which of course made me think of our greatest wanna-be pretend architect.

GEORGE: (Changing subject) Hey, I think I may have found someone for the scholarship.
JERRY: Yeah?
GEORGE: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..
JERRY: Is he smart?
GEORGE: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture.
JERRY: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
GEORGE: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.

---------------------------------------------------------

George: Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.
----------------------------------------------------------

GEORGE: So what have you been doing with yourself?
JERRY: I'm a comedian.
GEORGE: Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice?" this kind of stuff.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah
GEORGE: It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah.
JERRY: You really used to have a think full head of hair.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
JERRY: yeah, yeah.
LOIS: What do you do?
GEORGE: I'm an architect.
LOIS: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
GEORGE: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
LOIS: You did that?
GEORGE: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
JERRY: Well you've really built yourself up into something.
GEORGE: Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.

Has Dame Xmas Done the Unthinkable?

Has Lady Gaga topped Poker Face? Wtf - seriously, I was not prepared for this. Mind temporarily blown. Need some time.

Stage Fright, or Orgasming?

You Guys Suck

I wish my fans were this fucking stupid, cause then I could go around making money off of them. But you're not, which is unfortunate. Of course, some of you hot-tittied bitches could salve that wound by sending in naked photos of yourselves. Hey look, it's Mickey Mouse.

Sniffity Sniff Sniff

I've been hearing about Martha Stewart dissing Queen Palin for a few days, but finally watched it this morning (see below.)

FULL DISCLOSURE: 3 years ago I almost slept with Martha.

The worst thing about Sarah Palin is she's the personification of the "the only thing worse than being a racist is being CALLED a racist" theory, as I've written many times, including HERE.

Palin could say that 2+ 2 is 5. And instead of saying "actually, that's wrong," her fans wait for someone in the elitist, left-wing media to point out she's wrong (ie "sending in the attack dogs"), and then go BANANAS about "their Sarah" being shredded by a biased, unfair media that hates working moms, babies being born and not aborted, and freedom. Like I said last week, this is her/their rocket fuel. It's not something to take very seriously, since her supporters will always be counted as no more than people who see in her rugged disinterest in intellectualism the heir abhorrent to Bush (oh, I'd LOVE to have a beer with her! "drink this, baby...aaaaaaaaatagirl...so sleepy...") plus the people that vote purely by who's winning the Victim Olympics. I'd say something like "Ironically Palin, as it turns out, is showing us less about HERself and more about OURselves," but that sounds pretty gay, so.

Announcement

Did I mention I'm in love with Sally Quinn? Has that slightly-snobby, yet likes dirty jokes vibe to her that makes me think I wouldn't cuss around her even while thinking she invented the sexual act of shitting into someone else's asshole (doodoo-on-you-you?), probably hours before hitting a Katherine Graham dinner party in Georgetown. Sally Xmastime. Sigh.

Too Sexy?

Hey, how sexy was that last post? You poor ladies, must be worn down to the nubs from fingerblasting off that one. Really, I should be more sensitive to how I set off the frantic oils (musky, peut-etre?) of my female fans. I mean hell, you're prolly unbuckling your Jordache jeans right now, thinking something sexy is just around the phrase, right? Come on now, calm down. Take a breather, ladies!!!!

Movie My Girlfriend and I Fell Upon, and I Can Still Remember Her Body Against Mine on Her Couch

Stealing Home.

Person du Jour

Richard James Cardinal Cushing

1) Member of the NAACP
2) Absolved the Jews of killing Jesus (cough)
3)  Celebrated Kennedy's funeral Mass, as well as officiated his marriage in 1953

Scary dude in his ferocity re: Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus, which obviously I do not follow. But I do not remember not knowing his name (perhaps as the child of super-Roman Catholics from Boston)

Song of the Aughts Nominee

I fucking hate douchebags that insist on Embedding Disabled by Request like they've fucking discovered oil or done something of value themselves, but here's another nominee. Slice.

Hey, I Tried

Part of my frustration with Patrick Kennedy comes from, as your surely remember, his not accepting my brilliant assistance when I first offered it.


Camon, brah! Let's do this!!!!


ps - How much I love that 1983 mini-seires with Martin Sheen as JFK that PBS runs every year on this  date now? Love it. Reeks of early 80's tv, and Vincent Gardenia is off the charts creepy. Sluper-slice.

The Once and Future Xmastime

Watching Jackie's insistence on making JFK's legacy one of Camelot on American Experience right now reminds me that the musical was based on The Once and Future King, which I loved as a kid, probably because it was funny ("looking at himself in the mirror, he realized: he looked like an ape.") I vaguely remember that quote at the end of an early chapter.

Meanwhile, in thinking about TOAFK I moseyed over to T.H. White's joint on Wikipedia, which tell us that he (allegedly (obviously)) did a thesis on Le Morte d'Arthur without having actually read the book. WHICH kickstarts White even closer to my heart than he already had been, as back in the day I was the Michael Jordan of not reading the book; looking at the back cover and the inside flaps and somehow getting 5-7 pages squeezed out (usually with a randomly-selected large block quote from the middle of the book, featuring a single word added in by myself to account for a whole extra "line of text.") This is a skill I learned early in high school; by college my talents were at such perfect pitch that I took a theater class in college and got an A without having any idea where the theater actually was on campus - upon being confronted by my professor about the validity of one of my "reviews" my performance was, ironically, award-winning theater.

I've mentioned before that I was such a shitty, lazy student that if a professor tried to give me a chance to better my grade, I would prefer to just take the D or whatever so I wouldn't hafta work on it any more than I already "had."

Similarly, and I believe I mentioned this to someone recently, maybe Kdawggy this summer, I honestly believe I have the exact same chance of passing the bar exam if I went to law school for three years or if it was placed in front of me right now. I would honestly like my chances of somehow bullshitting my way to acing the thing over my actually doing the work and learning something over the course of three years.

Hmm. This post is a little more revealing about myself than I had intended.

I do feel like a shout-out should go to another one of the greats, my fraternity brother Eric Bransford (or, as Mahoney from Deer Park, Long Island (ie the set of Goodfellas to hicks like us 15 years ago) called him, "Bansfit") had a system wherein he would take referenced critical books from the library, copy them wholesale for entire pages, and then make sure he kept every copy checked out from the library for months, so the professor couldn't look up his work. I never did this myself, but cap doffed.

Side note: he once claimed to be a "Gentleman's C Student," which we kinda laughed at until he brought up his transcript, which showcased 3+ years and about 35 classes in which he had LITERALLY gotten a C for each one - never more, never less. Awesome.

46 Years

I've noticed that since William Henry Harrison died in 1841, we are currently in the longest stretch in history without having a president die in office. Incredibly, this is an even longer streak than my not having a girlfriend. The race, as they say, is on.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Watching Larry play George. Then George doing Larry's "PRETTY, pretty, pretty..." line. Worlds colliding, need some time for my thoughts. I might be crying.

Well, That's Exactly What Jesus Would Do. Of Course. No Question. Anybody Getting This Sarcasm? Cause I'm Laying it on Pretty Thick.

What Do You Know. Some Shit Never Changes.

8th Grade Yearbook autograph:

Thanks for cheering me & everybody else up this year (next year maybe you can get some NEW jokes.) Sorry we couldn't relive that VERY old flame this year.
- Lee 

This Day in Dallas

I was gonna commemorate today being JFK Day by maybe remembering it was on this day back in 2003 Op took us to Peter Luger's, but not before I had decided earlier "hey, it's 3 in the afternoon,I should prolly drink a bottle of whiskey." Yeesh. Barely remembering being wowed at dinner that bacon could come in thicker strips than Oscar Mayer allows.

Then I thought I would show my "CS Lewis is unlucky" bit from HERE.

But of course I was distracted by one of my first-ever posts from 11/22/05, wherein women drive me batshit:

Ladies. For the love of Christ. HAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY READY AT THE COUNTER!!!! Whenever I'm in line to buy anything, I frantically have my money counted out and in my hand, ready to present to the guy before the word "cents" has left his lips. I always assume that if I take more than .0004 seconds to produce payment, the line of people behind me will not even try to hide their loud, exasperated sighs or uttered curse words. Or, maybe some guy comes in from the back and chops my head off, I don’t know. But chicks, chicks are always slightly surprised that the cashier, at the end of said transaction, expects actual money from them. No matter how long they've been in line, they have not even considered getting the money ready. "$16.81" the cashier will say, then there's a slight pause, then the girl will say "oh!" and THEN start digging thru her purse. Christ. AND, to make matters worse, she'll spend another 5 minutes digging around for a penny/nickel whatever to make the change "easier." "$16.81?" oh, hold on, I've got a penny...." and the search begins, so that instead of getting 19 cents back and letting the rest of us actually get on with our fucking lives, we've gotta sit through her frantic search for a penny so that she can get 2 dimes back. Guys don’t do that. We'll throw whatever bills we got up there; whatever change we get back, we get back. But we ain't standing there for 20 minutes rifling through a weeks worth of receipts from Vera Cruz and parking tickets trying to find change, holding up the line. Christ. Drives me crazy, maybe even more so than how everytime I wanna quickly pop in to grab a paper, there's only one other guy ahead of me....but it's the construction guy buying 75 coffees for the crew. "That’s 40 with sugar, 30 with milk, blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh..." I've got my 2 quarters hovering above the counter, desperately trying to catch the cashier's eye so I can drop them and get back to becoming a better citizen/saving lives on the outside, but my man won't turn around, he's slowly making a million coffees for this one dude while blood actually starts pumping out of my ears. Fucking A. See also: lone cashier who patiently attends to the old lady who wants him to walk her through her 50 fucking lotto scratch tickets while the rest of us in line join AARP.

Hey, how many years has Dallas played in Dallas on November 22? Hmm.

I am a deep cat.

So True

Saturday, November 22, 2008

This Day in Dallas

45 years ago today, JFK was shot and killed in Dallas. In the spirit of taking lemons and making lemonade, let's all remember that as tragic as that was and still is, it did eventually lead to the best Photoshopping job ever. Enjoy.

This Year's Turkey Tip

From America's Test Kitchen:

To prevent over cooking of the breast while getting the legs up to temperature, we experimented with icing down the bird's breast. The breast and leg start at 41° when removed from the fridge. After an hour on ice, the breast was down to 36° while the leg was up to 43°. "That 7-degree head start for the leg meant the turkey could stay in the oven long enough to fully cook the dark meat without drying out the white meat."

Very interesting.

Urban Country-Western Song Idea

"Who Left the Crack in the Crackpipe?"

"Who left the crack in the crackpipe,
Who put my shoes on the dog?"

Working on it.

Manny Memories

Well. This Was Bound to Happen.

Those Aren't Pillows

I keep seeing "Best Thanksgiving Movies" lists popping up. I submit there are exactly three to even consider.

After I'm done bringing Zack 'n the Gang back together, perhaps I will write THE definitive Thanksgiving movie. You're welcome...AMERICA. Indeed.

Xmas' Fucket List

AnnaLynne McCord. Congratulations baby, you made it.

A Reason to Live

Apparently the once-thought-as-happening Saved by the Bell reunion is not happening. But I had no idea this was the reason (via Zack Morris himself):

“No one has come up with a good plan,” Mark-Paul added. “People have been saying, “Oh, I want a reunion.” Well, of what? Do they want to see us get together and talk to each other? Or do they want to see a full episode? No one is opposed to it, but there’s just nothing.”

I've mentioned I'm neck-deep in writing my inevitable billion-dollar bestseller The Manny Tapes. Plus as I mentioned last night I'm thinking of creating a show featuring rats (title: Classic Rat Theatre? or Rat Park? hmm...)

But that shit's officially on hold, as now I have found the reason that God put me on this Earth. I mean, can you imagine being known as the guy that came up with the idea that got the Saved by the Bell reunion made? Good lord. I don't use the words "international hero that gets more pussy than a scratching post," but I feel it would apply here. (rolling up sleeves, looking at blank page, rubbing one out to the "duh!" guest appearance by Jessie's new "friend" Gina Gershon, writing down new ideas.)

Xmas' Bucket List

Every Thanksgiving, I swear I'm gonna do this. One day, man. One day.

Trippy

In looking at the picture of Ethan Frome below I just noticed that an anagram of the title is FATHER OMEN. And supposedly Wharton's father is the basis for the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses." Interesting. What does this mean? I dunno. A good guess is that Wharton is a vampire who once slept with her father while writing an early draft of The Omen, but I'm not a Dracuologist, so I cannot say for sure. But hmmm...

"So...who's horny?"

Disappointment. A Clinic.

Watching Moments of Luxury right now I find myself a little disenchanted at what a rich, privileged family Edith Wharton was born into; I guess like everybody else I like to think of my favorite writers as dirt poor, starving artists writing their masterpieces on the back of coal shovels a la Faulkner (in other words, whether or not these stories are actually true is not really important either.)

Mostly I'm reminded of a college professor who introduced me to my super-slice Peter Leroy, and his telling of the first time he met the author Eric Kraft - he had been expecting to meet a small-time, scrambling to have his little stories published in whatever periodical would have them writer. Turns out Kraft had put together a series of children's textbooks that were accepted as the standard curricula for Texas and California. My professor was still chuckling almost two decades later at his slight disappointment upon seeing Kraft come rolling up the street in his brand new Porsche.

More Peter Leroy love HERE.

Vampires

One reason I'll probably never get the whole Twilight-inspired vampire craze these days is that when I hear the word "vampire," I assume that someone will be trying to scare me. But good looking kids in designer clothing milling around high school waiting to make out with each other isn't particularly scary. I mean, if I'm watching a movie and at any moment a scene from The Breakfast Club might break out, I can't say I'm really white-knuckling things.Unlike, say, Vlad Tepes, the original blood-thirsty gangstah. Or Elizabeth Bathory, even. That people like that actually existed IS actually scary as shit. Just put me in a darkened room with that picture of Vlad, and soon enough I will be clawing at the sheetrock to get the fuck outta there, scared shitless. Hell, any footage of Romania at dusk is freaky ass shit; they should just loop footage of that shit and charge us $10 a ticket.

THIS is scary. THIS is scary. THIS is not scary. Sorry.

Disappointment En Route

I read The Elegant Universe a few years ago, and I'd be remiss in not telling McTitties that if she's expecting a David Silver tell-all, she's going to be very disappointed.

The Replacements

Apparently some dude is making a documentary about Replacements fans, and the website is HERE.  Unfortunately, the website is incredibly shitty, and it's hard to tell if he HAS MADE the film, or IS MAKING the film. Something I would think to be important. Hmm. Anyways, dig in.

ALSO.

I mentioned it back HERE, and it seems that this Friday, the date is upon us: THE 25TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE RELEASE OF LET IT BE. Christ. Liver spots on my legs, bursting!!!

Song of the Aughts Nominee

Just Wondering

Is there such a thing as bread with cheeseburger cooked into it? Seems plausible, no?

Tonight's Superslice du Night

Looking for Investors

For my Ratatouille-meets-Short Bus calling me "Rats"-meets-that-ABC show-in-the-90's-featuring-dinosaurs-that-was-actually-pretty-hilarious sitcom featuring rats going though their daily lives.  Illustrators who can draw rats, submissions welcome.

Plus, I was born in the Year of the Rat. Camon.

An Email from illWill

Now Repeating on PBS Great Performances. Do Not Miss This.

Sniffin' Palin

I caught some of the Palin imnterview with Bill O'Reilly last night, and he asked something interesting: if they're closing Gitmo, why doesn't Alaska take the prisoniers?

Now, he said it mostly jokingly.  But I instantly thought well, why NOT Alaska? I mean, if we're so terrified of these prisoners, even though, you know, they'd be locked in maximum security prisons, then wouldn't Alaska be the perfect place - isolated from the continental US, and with a kabillion square miles where nobody else lives?

Of course Palin, looking incredulously as O'Reilly, shot down that idea emphatically, saying "you better ask Alaskans what they'd think about that."

Which seemed funny to me. How much does Palin go on and on about what hard-working, tough patriots Alaskans are? From what we can tell from her they wrestle moose to the ground and eat their meat while they're still alive; SURELY these, the truest of all Americans, would WELCOME the chance to show these prisoners how "non-elitist" patriots take care of business?

But, of course, no. I guess all that's just a bunch of hot air. Interesting.

And while of course anything would be tougher than the absurd Oprah/Babawawa/Hannity "interviews," I gotta give Billo some credit for calling her on her bullshit re: China.

 

Is Al Bundy the Third-Best Sitcom Character Ever?

Bruce

Struggling to decide whether to have The Rising or Girls in Summer Clothes on my Best Songs of the Aughts List. Will prolly choose The Rising. But incredible that a 112 year-old guy has two songs in the running.

Business Opportunity

I'm thinking about creating a series of greeting cards that smell like my nuts when you open them up. "Happy Birthday!!!...take a whiff," for instance.

Investors?

2010

2010 will be the first year since 1809 that the last two numbers of a year are exactly half that of the first two. Born in 1809? Abe Lincoln. Hmm.  And with Obama having been born in an upside-down sorta-palindrome numbered year, either 2010 is gonna be incredible, or disastrous. INteresting.

Two Thumbs Up

From AHT:

What's the most overrated burger you've tried? Most underrated? Can't say that I've experienced an overrated burger, but Wendy's burgers definitely deserve more love than they get. They've got a freshness to them that fast foodies tend to overlook.

Agreed, 1000%. Great burger, greasy as fuck, the best fast-food chain burger I know. Also, one time GodIHateYourBurger and I dropped $21 at the drive-thru; another time, I think he barely made it home without shitting himself. We're building memories here, people.

Like Buttars

UTAH SENATOR BUTTARS:

I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want ‘em stuffing it down my throat all the time. Certainly not in my kid’s face.

Of course the obvious joke is the "stuffing it down my throat" line. But I also like " They were in my house two weeks ago." To which I thought "really? All of them? How big is this fucking house?"

This is also the dude that said "gay men and women are the greatest threat to America going down.”

I mean, really, I'm hoping this guy is yanking our chains, right? Nobody, save Sistatime! is that funny that much without meaning to be.

Bo & Woody

As this is Michigan/Ohio State week, I suggest you buy this book. Still awesome.

He Looks MAH-velous!

Bill Kristol predicts Palin will help McCain.

This is good news for McCain, since one thing we know about Kristol is that except for everything he's ever said or written, he is pretty much 100% always right. Congrats, Senator McCain!!!!

Listing

Working on my 10 Best Songs of the Aughts list.

So far I got There She Goes My Beautiful World at by Nick Cave at #1. Then it's Faraway You, and then I hafta pick a Regina Spektor slice. Slow going, in other words.

The Palace

The fight: 5 years ago.

The maturity gap between Reggie Miller and many of his teammates was painfully evident in this game. Miller, sitting out with a broken hand, was dressed in a conservative olive-colored suit, white shirt and gold tie. While players and coaches from both teams tried to calm Wallace, he stood guard in front of Artest at the scorer's table. When Artest put on a radio headset to clown around on the air, Miller calmly took it off him. He held Artest by the wrist for a while, trying to keep him calm, and was holding on to Artest's right ankle while keeping an eye on the raging Wallace when the beer came flying out of the stands and hit Artest. Miller couldn't keep Artest from going into the stands, but he later helped escort Artest off the court along with former Pacers forward Chuck Person. He received a beer shower for his trouble. This essentially was the night Miller's final shot at a championship died. He came back from his injury to play 66 games and average 14.8 points at age 39, but Artest's season-long suspension and all the disruption of the season ruined the Pacers' once-promising title hopes.

Of course, a little perspective, please:

But what this makes me think of is of course Ron Artest. Most people remember Artest’s fight at the Palace in 2004 –NBA player jumps into stands to fight, the world’s over we should all kill ourselves. Okay. But what got lost in that shuffle and what continues to both amaze me and crack me up is that earlier in the season, Artest had walked into his team’s offices and asked for a month off to promote a cd he had made for some girl group friends of his. The gumption and stupidity to walk in and ask for such a thing – Ron, my cap will always be doffed. Never forget, people!

Like a (cough) Virgin

Apparently Congress is quietly looking to pass more yet more "abstinence-only" funding.


Which is baffling, in that there is exactly one person we all, throughout the course of history, have gotten together and agreed is a virgin, and yet she somehow still had a kid. So maybe we need to come up with another brilliant idea? No?

Birth Announcement

Xmas congrats go out to Dick Cheney, who had another grandkid the other day. And by "congrats," I mean "congrats for being rich enough that your own offensive, idiotic ideology won't actually affect this kid's life, or that of your daughter's, unlike it does thousands of people throughout the country unfortunate enough to not be born into your family." Hey, tonight thank god it's them, instead of you!

Marry Me

John Kerry (remember him?)'s daughter got busted for a DUI, apparently. Whch gives me a chance to remind myself that she's inexplicably hot as fucking balls. Gotdam.

Xmas Creep

This is my Xmas slice

But seriously...you should give all year long.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I get the joke. But when placed up against scenes with Leon, or the Seinfeld reunion, or him with Funkhowser doing anything, Larry's germophobia/constant insidious studying of the minutae seems to have worn a bit thin over 9 years. His and George's friction was hysterical ("what can I do for you?"); his Curb-by-the-numbers-refusing-to-take-the-pen-back-same-ol-shit stuff has become eye-rolling, piss-break stuff. Camon.

And Yet Still No Repudiation from "Republicans." Fascinating.

Sully:

And I, of course, think of Thatcher, whose example helped make me a conservative, and her total grip of policy detail, and her fascination with ideas and history, and her degree in chemistry from Oxford and her training as a lawyer, and years in diligent opposition and government, and her willingness to take on and argue with anyone, and to never quit anything.

And I silently weep that the right has been reduced to this absurd fantasist know-nothing who believes her ignorance is her selling point.

the unconquerable gladness

no posts in 24 hours. like waiting for beowulf. will he surface with the head of grendels ma? or a set of serrated spoons used for grapefruit.

Fuuuuuck, Why Even Bother Waiting for the World to End in 2012 Now?

Yes. If They Can Throw a 98mph Splitter.

The Office

Recyclops. Funniest open they'e ever had. Dying.

Can we get a Todd Packer sighting once a year?

One Shot

I never realized The Deer Hunter was loosely based on Three Comrades, written by Erich Maria Remarque, the guy who wrote All's Quiet on the Western Front. Interesting. I remember reading that book in the Hardee's shitter on the way to drill one weekend morning, then forgot about it, never picked it up again. Maybe I will now.

Here It Comes

Apparently the Army is preventing the media from covering Palin's stop at Fort Hood.

The U.S. Army plans to prevent media from covering Sarah Palin's appearance at Fort Bragg, fearing the event will turn into political grandstanding against President Barack Obama, officials said Thursday.

This of course is a fancy way of telling you to be on the lookout within about an hour or so re: Palin smarmily screeching about the media not letting people practice their first amendment rights via the evil media protecting Obama. Never minding, of course, she's the queen of keeping the media locked out whenever she wants it out. Of course.

Facts are Facts

Judging from the shrieking-in-fear right-wing, I'm thinking that the only way we actually convict KSM in NYC is to make sure his lawyer is THIS GUY.

A Hamburger Today (on a Trampoline)

Sounds Like Reagan...

...was a fucking PUSSY!

The direction the GOP is heading does require a repudiation of Reagan's legacy.

Reagan raised taxes occasionally in deference to some concern about deficits. The current GOP refuses to even think about thinking about raising any taxes. 

Reagan embraced immigrants and indeed granted amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants.

Reagan was prepared to negotiate with the Soviet Union. The current GOP does not believe in meeting or negotiating with any foreign enemies.

Reagan opposed an anti-gay initiative in California. Today's GOP regards anti-gay initiatives as a key fundraising and base-stoking tool.

Reagan never went in for extensive and open-ended nation-building and pulled out of Lebanon after a bombing that killed many Marines. The current Republican party never retreats on anything.

Reagan took personal responsibility for his violation go the law in Iran-Conrtra. Bush still has not taken responsiibility for the illegal authorization of torture.

Reagan took pride in his reading and his thinking on the philosophical and economic and social arguments that forged modern conservatism and the critique of the welfare state. Today's leader of the GOP - Sarah Palin - holds up her ignorance as a badge of honor.

Reagan signed the UN Convention on Torture. Today's GOP takes pride in violating it.

Haven't They Been Through Enough Already?

...it's not bad enough our troops are in the desert waiting to get shot at, now they're gonna hafta spend Thanksgiving talking soccer??!?!!?  Oy, vey.

Question.

Why is it that the very people who hate gay people so much DON'T want them to be in the Army? I mean, if they hate them so much, wouldn't they be the very people you'd wanna send to the front, hoping they all get blown to bits?

Hey, just my 2 cents. What the fuck do I know?

The Four Stages of Masturbation

1) Jerking it to a favorite memory of sexual exploits past, usually with an old girlfriend you once loved.

2) Jerking it to a girl you like, fantasizing how sweet it will be once she succumbs to your wiles.

3) Jerking it to a sexy, but classy photo spread, or movie, like maybe whenever Erin Brockovich is on.

4) Jerking it to Pigtail Teen Gets Double Vaginal, Eats Ass.

Grown-Ups

This dude HERE:

Nearly every Republican these days calls for tax cuts and lower deficits, and in the same sentence. Point out that these goals clash -- that taxes pay for government and not paying for government causes deficits, and the Republican counters, "We must shrink government, instead."

Sure. And you're just the boys to do it.

There hasn't been a balanced budget since the last Democratic administration. During the George W. Bush years of mindless tax-cutting, the national debt doubled, and GOP claims to fiscal rectitude became a bizarre joke. 


Welcome to the world of grownups, where tax cuts don't magically pay for themselves -- and where middle-class people must pay more for middle-class benefits. When it comes to addressing deficits, Democrats may be lax adolescents, but Republicans are total babies.

I've chastised these idiots many times, usually in a clever, probably-sexy way, about their refusing to grow up, be adults, and insist their taxes be put to better use, like

HERE

HERE

HERE 

You'd think it would be a joke by now, but the knee-jerk "cut taxes!!" is still the only thing the GOP has come up with so far. Sarah Palin could barely let Babawawa finish the question before she barged in with the robo-tronic "we need to cut taxes to solve all our problems!!!", and while it would be nice to roll the eyes at Palin's stupidity re: this "solution" since it's partly responsible for why we're in such shit in the first lace, you could almost hear the millions of Charlie Browns once again sprinting head-first towards the football she was placing, "laces FORWARD!!" Was that the quote from Ace Ventura? Or was it "laces UP!" Grrr.

Question.

Do you think Seinfeld always hated Newman cause he got to see Sharon Stone's pussy, and Jerry didn't?