The Gospel According to Costanza

I've written on these pages a million (well, or 29) times that life always comes down to Costanza, so here's George Costanza's Lines That Can Help You Justify Your Terrible Behavior. Sigh. God Bless George Costanza!

Speaking of the Eiffel Tower, I Have a Question.

It's been 8 years now. Where the fuck is our Ratatouille​ sequel?

Happy Birthday Eiffel Tower

Too Easy

Obviously, the winner is George trampling over kids during a fire.

Saving Private McDonald

The funny about fast food burgers is a lot of times these days they're overshadowed by the other stuff on the menu - chicken sandwiches, chicken mcnuggets, fries, tater tots, curly fries, fried curly tots, fried curly tots with cheese, fried curly tots with cheese battered with chicken mcnuggets while some fucking retarded asshole insists on spending 10 minutes mopping under your table ("excuse me...excuse me...move your feet please...excuse me...") even though there's not another human being sitting and eating in the entire place, chili, jalepeno poppers, etc etc. In general, McDonald's burgers are rarely satisfying. - XMASTIME

Matt Yglesias suggests McDonalds could save themselves by having breakfast all day, which exactly everybody in the world has been clamoring for years, and ditching the burgers which nobody in the world really gives a shit about:

The basic state of the McDonald's menu is this: it has the best breakfast sandwiches in the world (egg McMuffin or egg McMuffin with sausage, depending on your mood), while the hamburgers are not the best in the world.

The point is that there's no need to be dogmatic about breakfast or lunch. The key thing is to be dogmatic about excellence. That means using the grill for the breakfast items at which McDonald's excels, rather than for the lunch sandwiches that are mediocre at best.

I've never cared for the Egg McMuffin, but their biscuit sandwiches are, without a doubt, the best.  And those hash browns could fry right up alongside the fries, n'est-pas?

A-Rod, At Some Point

Via the LOHUD Yankees blog:

• As a side note to the Rodriguez situation: He’s also handled all of the off-the-field stuff pretty well. Believe it or not, he actually makes some small talk and jokes with reporters in the clubhouse. Teammates seem to like him. Opposing players don’t seem to completely hate him. He’s heard his share of boos, but he’s heard plenty of cheers as well. I’m telling you, from every angle, this situation has been much better and easier than I expected. The Yankees seem to feel the same way. Both Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi said yesterday that they’re happy with the way Rodriguez has settled back into the clubhouse.

I wonder if part of it is exhaustion. You can only hate on somebody for so long before you hafta move on a little bit at least. Tho A-Rod gets no quarter for this bungling:

I do hope, in all seriousness, that I can be an asset for Joe at some point during the year. If Tex or Chase needs a blow at some point, hopefully I can be an asset for Joe at some point.”

Life and How to Live It

How to explain to a 3 and 5 year-old girl what happened to a mouse you caught.

NOTE TO SELF

Write a screenplay about a guy who goes to random Catholic school
Friday Night Fish Fry Fundraisers to meet single mothers.

Questions. I Have Them.

What's the name of the phenomenon wherein despite there being 3 playrooms in the house, children insist on (loudly) playing in the 6 foot space between me and the television?

Well.

Nothing says "I took steroids" quite like an essay repeatedly proclaiming "I never took steroids!"

Fried Chicken NYC

Goathamist lists the 8 Best Fried Chicken Spots in NYC, and I've been to three: Pies 'n Thighs, Charles'Country Pan Fried Chicken and...well, Popeyes.

See my Pies 'n Thighs review HERE.

My apology to Popeyes HERE.

Chicken porn HERE.

And of course LOWERY'S.

Idea du jour

Nachos, in which the tortilla chips are replaced by Chicken McNuggets (note: not just chicken nuggets, but Chicken McNuggets)

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I just realized I work with a few people who have no memory of the OJ trial. #omg #oldasfuck

Jeter must be kicking himself he retired.

The Yankees recreate a scene from The Sandlot.

Missed This Last Week

Life & How to Live It

The first thing I do whenever I walk into my apartment is check behind the shower curtain to see if anyone’s waiting to chop me up into pieces. Partly to put my mind at ease, but mostly so that in the event this actually happens my last words on this Earth will be a super-smug “Well, I knew it!”

Thoughts. I Have Them.

One thing I didn't miss during the past year during which I didn't have a tv was losing the gotdam remote every 15 seconds. Grrr.

Poor Fritz

VIA. Fucking dying.

Quite a Life I'm Putting Together Here, People.

Yes, I seeded my 16 favorite BBC sitcoms and played out a tournament. You're welcome.

Damon Bailey

The Legend of Damon Bailey (he of one of the greatest Xmastime lists of all time.)

Can't embed the video. Grrr.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I can forgive myself for sitting through two hours of this godawful movie the other night (hell, I've seen worse) but watching the 11-minute "behind the scenes of" is unforgivable.

Christian Laettner

Rocking the old-school Doritos bag!

Brings back Doritos memories...

Kids in Philly Day

(Originally posted on 3/24/2010)

As women don't talk to me and I'm good at remembering dates, I believe 10 years ago today I saw my favorite band Marah for the first time, at the TLA in Philly for the Kids in Philly release show.

Looking back, I can't believe I even went - although I had heard Cut the Crap, I hadn't even heard Kids in Philly yet, and the number of times I've gone to a show and been blown away by songs I have never heard before still stands at exactly one. They immediately became my favorite band since high school; hell, not to be dramatic, but I had given up ever finding another rock 'n roll band to love. But I did, and it was them. And that KIP tour just kept on giving and giving, from this show to one a few weeks later where they played some tiny restaurant on a stage the size of a small desk, and the owner wouldn't let them quit cuz they were blowing the roof off the joint. Mercury Lounge, when I got kicked out maybe 3 seconds in. It all crested in November, three ridiculously good shows at the Khyber, which also set the look of the album into stone for me when we walked around Philly as surely-made-for-the-movies piles of multi-colored leaves were all around us.

Another highlight of that night 10 years ago today: eating my first real Philly cheesesteak, and then watching Mike Lisk laugh at me for twenty minutes while my nose bled as he somehow took the entire 20 minutes to eat a slice of pizza  :)

I can't find any video of that show, which is till one of my all-time favorites, but here's some tv footage put together when KIP came out. What a fucking album.

List du Jour

Here's the numbers from this list of 55 Things Only 80's Boys Understand that apply to me:

1
23
37
39
41
42
47

And, of course, good ol' 18:

More Kids in Philly Day

Inside cover art.

MOre Kids in Philly Day

From the Marah Facebook page, via Dave:

15 years ago TODAY!!! Our 2nd record KIDS IN PHILLY was released on Steve Earle's now defunct E-Squared Records. It was recorded on a Tascam 381/2" 8 track tape machine over Frank's Auto in South Philadelphia. We drank Yuengling 20oz returnables and couldn't have given a fuck about what anyone thought about our music. We had a badass time. Here's who we thank: Paul Smith, Paul Dickman, Steve Earle, Frank (downstairs,) Danny, Ronnie, Mick and Joe & Slo-Mo. Here we are (on our very best behavior) playing Point Breeze on Conan O'Brien's LateNight show in NYC. See how cute? See how nice? Have a great weekend. Miss you. - DB

Kids in Philly Day!

(Originally posted in 2013)

For better or for worse, that's the album that will live forever. KIP is a snapshot in time, which makes it timeless.

Kids in Philly at 15

15 years ago today my album of the aughts Kids in Philly was released. I've blathered about it many times before on this blog, including the release show being my first Marah show and how much it meant.

Via Serge's Facebook page:

And so time marches on.
Damn.
15 years ago today me and my brother's band, Marah, released our second album. It was called 'Kids in Philly' and we made the whole thing in an old Mummer's clubhouse room above Frank's Auto in deep South Philadelphia.

You can live a long, good life if you're real real lucky, but there are always gonna be certain days and nights that stand out to you among the thousands you've left behind. That time of my life was like that. Every day, every night was magic because they were all filled with so much passion and hope and excitement about this music we were making with just a few people tucked away from the world, holed up in a room that felt like some cloud in the sky above a city we loved.
Look, I guess I'm just posting this today because I'm so glad I was in on it. I'm so thankful that my life took me and my brother where it did back then. And I'm so goddamn proud of this music that we made together, not because it sold millions of records or because it made us rich or anything like that, but because it really was us.
And because it still is.
It's carved into our bones and spray-painted on our souls and even if no one ever listens to it again after we are dead and gone and stop reminding people about it, me and him, we will still be two ghosts walking around in the middle of the night somewhere, smoking ghost cigarettes, not saying much, but still inseparable from the music or from each other even in fucking death.
Anyway, whatever. Point is, you could probably listen to a lot worse on a March Saturday afternoon.
Trust me.

Xmastime Film Classixxx

From 2009.

I'll Never Fall in Love Again

I Will Survive

A few years ago I noted how insane it was that a WWI veteran was still around & kicking (well, hopefully.)  Here's a list of 15 Last Survivors of Historical Events, including, since this is NCCA tournament week, this guy:

9. Raymond Pimlott Kaighn // Last Participant in the First Basketball Game

The 1800s were full of people inventing new sports, not all of which caught on. So James Naismith’s students were not too impressed when told they had to learn “another new game.” The 18 players of that first basketball game obviously had a steep learning curve, since the final score was only 1-0. But one of the participants, Raymond Kaighn, loved the game and was instrumental in organizing the first ever college game three years later. He stayed in sports his whole life, playing, coaching, and working for the YMCA. He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame for his participation in that first game, and when he died in 1962 aged 92, he was the only one of the original 18 left.

Cap. Fucking. Doffed.

Some (presumably) dude took a dump on a plane so bad they had to turn the fucking thing around. Wow.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

(reprinted yearly)

When I was a kid my dad always tried to make a big deal out of us being Irish (the only ones in town), but who gives a shit what your dad says when you’re young? Certainly not me. When we got a little older my dad came up with the idea that on St. Patrick’s Day, he would administer a quiz to my brother and me on the history of Irish saints; the winner would get a pizza from TA-DA! Roma’s. A week or so before the 17th he’d give us some big, over-the-top dry book to read on the subject. My brother would actually read it; I’d get to page 3 and then start wondering if I’d rather be in Def Leppard or Duran Duran (trick question – I’d be better off being a dead Irish saint.) So guess who would win the “competition”? But the thing is, I’d still get the pizza – the pizza would come, and I’d hafta toast to Brothatime!!’s Irish brilliance, but I’d do it with a mouthful of cheese and grease on my face. To this day, I live by that creed: "I will not read for pizza."

Happy St. Patrick's Day

A bottle of Guinness was split on the floor
When the pub was shut for the night
Out crept a mouse from his little hole
And sat in the pale moonlight

He lapped at the frothy brew
Then back on his haunches he sat
And all night you could hear him roar
"Bring on the fucking cat!"

T-shirt du Jour

Two different people on the street have pointed out my "I'd Rather Be Reading Thomas Hardy" t-shirt, so I thought I'd re-post this:

It sounds like I liked Jude the Obscure more than my buddy Serge; partly I suspect to the fact that it's a lot less descriptive narrative than any other Hardy I've read, which he is more inclined to like more than myself (I think.) But I do agree that the characters are ATROCIOUS - save Jude himself, whom I found myself (unfortunately) relating to a lot. Both in being led like a fool by women and by pretty much wasting a whole life. Pretty much by being a fool, I guess - I don't think I've ever actually shouted at a page before "oh no no, DUDE!! CAMON!!!! No!!" quite as many times as with this book. And in years I have already outlived him - EFF YOU, suckah!!!

Jude's "love" makes you want to hunt her down and slap her "what the fuck is wrong with you?" - at no turn does she make sense, she zigs when you think she'll zag EVERY FUCKING TIME, and the ups and downs (prolly due to the novel being serialized, as in every month you need something whackshit to happen) make you seasick to the point of whats the point of this repetitive dithering?

But you plow on; and the big blow comes and it's fucking crushing. I've read books where sad shit happens, but never before have I hated the goddam author for delivering it. Beyond tragic/depressing, made me hate anyone and everyone for being a part of the human race. Too much.

But it is what it is; and by the time I reached the final page I have to admit I was severely more attached than I had been 100 pages earlier. Even though to the bitter end the girl was a fucking lunatic.

Only Fools and Horses du Jour

Del-boy on one of the greatest moments of all time, the chandelier scene.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who see a bottle of Worcestershire sauce and make the "oh, it's wish-ter-seer-sigh-sigh-sigh sauce" like they're the first ones to ever think of it, and then there's everybody else.

Things I’ve Learned, Vol. XIV

There is no greater American right than absolutely believing the NCAA selection committee went out of its way to totally screw your team.

Enough Is Fucking Enough

I’ve mentioned before the potential backlash of the media’s disdain for A-Rod incredibly turning public favor into his corner, and it looks like the Yankees themselves are continuing their pettiness by ignoring his home run in yesterday’s spring training game.

Yes, it’s just a pretend game, but the account did a rolling play-by-play throughout the game and “just happened” to ignore A-Rod’s dinger.

The Yankees either need to stand by their righteous indignation and simply cut him, yes, throwing away $60M+, or fucking accept he’s on the team, it is what it is, and treat him like any other player. Otherwise they simply look small, petty and, in a case like this, fucking stupid.

Ad du Jour

I love all of these.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Almost sure I spent the first 2 decades of my life thinking the number of days in a year was 364.

Dear People of Earth:

Do not call. Do not write. My next 683 minutes are called for. Thank you.

Can't Fucking Wait!!!!! du Jour

Documentary on The Wrecking Crew :)

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Besides humans flying in airplanes being something that actually exists, I’m also freaked the fuck out at how HIGH they fly. What, 8 miles in the air? Are you kidding me? How did that even occur to anybody? If I had invented flying, I’m pretty sure planes would never go higher that about 8 feet in the air. “Xmas, don’t you think we could go faster in thinner air, higher up?” “Nope. This is juuuuuuuust fine, thank you very much.”

Thanks God for Paul O'Neill

Along with manager Joe Girardi, the only Yankee connection to the great 90s dynasty (ie, the Yankees I lucked into walking into when I moved there in 1998) now that Jeter's gone is Paul O'Neill. Of course instead of getting to watch his beautiful lefty swing - be it at a ball or a water cooler - we can only listen to him in the booth during games (most of which is spent of Michael Kay making fun of him for eating whatever free food comes into his field of vision), but it's still something.

And of course who can forget his chill-inducing last game at the Stadium.

Latest Great BBC Sitcom du Jour

I'm Alan Partridge

If I’d seen it a few days ago it woulda made this list, and certainly in the Top 5 although I have no idea what I’d take out to make room for it. I’ve worked somewhat backward through Steeve Coogan’s career, including both Trip movies, and have heard about this show for almost a decade before finally inhaling it over the weekend. It’s not only laugh-out-loud hysterical, but it’s almost impossible to calculate the influence he’s had on other sitcom characters (and The Office has to be at the head of that line.) There's different permutations; a series that came before and some that came after, but the 1997 and 2002 series are definitive.

Two Angliophile thumbs up!

12 Years Ago Today

Grimace & Abe Lincoln met The Boss  :)

A Food Magazine I Would Buy

Gout!

Brideshead Bears

Right now I'm watching the 1981 tv adaption of Brideshead Revisited. I've only seen the 2008 movie before (I finally just now bought the book), and the tv version is jarring in that unlike the movie, Sebastian carries a teddy bear around with him. I'm stunned by this, wondering how different my life would be if I'd carried around a teddy bear throughout college. And why'd the movie ditch the bear? Fascinating.

OMG YA'LL THE BEAR HAS HIS OWN WIKIPEDIA PAGE AND WAS BASED ON A REAL BEAR!!!!

Xmastime Book Reviw

The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P.

I rarely read fiction by living authors so I have no idea why I bought this OH that's right, one night when I was drunk I stumbled upon it because it takes place in my old Brooklyn neighborhood.

I hate-read this book. The protagonist starts out as a nebbishly sort-of loser outsider so you think okay, I can root for this guy. But quickly you see he's another young self-absorbed Brooklynite who spends a lot of time worrying that he's simply too smart for women.  He has the luxury of having his book published, he's snobbishly against the gentrification he's steadfastedly a part of, spends time at faux-dive bars and Williamsburg brunches and OH GEE he gets laid ALL THE FUCKING TIME. He's an intellectual who hangs out with "friends" whose main jobs seem to be undermining each other and being dicks. At first you think he's a sensitive artist sort but he's always bitching about women wanting to "talk", always annoyed they're about to cry when he's breaking their hearts and on and on and on.

A thoroughly unlikable book that also takes pages and pages to spell everything out, explanation after explanation. You're in the main character's head and don't like it, and not in an entertaining or thoughtful or fulfilling way.

Blech.

Aweseome BBC Sitcoms I've Found Over the Last Year

BOLD = top 5

Only Fools and Horses
Fawlty Towers*
The Vicar of Dibley*
The Good Life
Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads
Blackadder
To the Manor Born
Peep Show
Twenty Twelve
Open All Hours
The Whites
Spy
The Other Man(s)
Vicious
The Worst Week of My Life
Rev.
Moone Boy


*these I've seen before

My Food Porn

Has found its peak.

Kroger Coming On Strong

Looks like ol' Kroger is sneaking up on the fancy-schmancy places like Whole Foods:

Kroger's strategy is helping it buck trends in the industry. Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are often praised for reinventing the grocery business. 

But Kroger is thriving in a difficult market for grocery stores. 

The supermarket chain has reported positive comparable-store sales for 45 straight quarters. 

Kroger is also expected to surpass Whole Foods Market within two years and become the nation's top seller of organic and natural food, according to a recent report by JPMorgan Chase.

I, of course, had a somewhat different relationship with Kroger back in the day.

I've Been Pop-Topped!

#googlyeyesinvastion

(previous Poptop as Xmastime HERE.)

ACME Calling

Years ago I found a new respect for the Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote, and now Chuck Jones' official rules for the duo has surfaced. Dynamite.

Seems Like This Is Exactly the Kind of Kid Harvard Actually Needs.

Not the Sports Pages Cover, The Front Page Cover

Announcement

If you ladies weren't already smitten with me, you should know I may be in the midst of the single greatest Family Ties marathon of my generation.

Don't You Forget About Me and My Mixtapes

Get your Breakfast Club Mixtapes!

Surprisingly, my tastes in high school align best with The Basket Case.

For past Xmastime genius on mixtapes, click here.

That'll Be the Day

The NTSB is considering re-opening the investigation of the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly:

In 1959, investigators ruled that the most likely cause of the crash was pilot error, a ruling that Peterson's boss at the flying service still disputes to this day.

The NTSB agreed to consider another investigation after receiving a letter from L.J. Coon.

He's an experienced pilot from New England who contends there were other issues the board should investigate, including weight and balance calculations, fuel gauge readings and a rudder.

See the whole video below. Interesting.
KTIV News 4 Sioux City IA:  News, Weather and Sports

Prison, Rape, Hey It's Wednesday Morning

Ben Carson has nobly taken up the role of "black Tea Party guy so Tea Partiers can claim they're not racist" and everything that leaves his mouth is complete jackassery (tm), but this headline is interesting:

Is it just me, or does he look like he's getting ass-pounded in this picture?

Anyway, I like whenever prison rape comes up because it lets me repost myself wondering why it's so easily accepted as "normal":

5) And while I’m thinking about gay sex, how come we have so readily accepted prison sex? We think of a prison we shrug our shoulders and think ah well, dudes fucking dudes, it’s just the situation they’re in. What is this? These dudes can’t beat off like normal people? Hey, let me tell you something, I’ve gone some LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG stretches without getting laid, and at no point did I start thinking about fucking guys. How does this happen so quickly in prison? Granted, I haven’t taken a shower with 50 dudes in a while, but still. I think maybe part of the male machismo says that we have to prove ourselves as pussyhounds AT ALL COSTS; ie we have to make it look like we’re freaking out over not fucking chicks, that we’re such studs that we’re simply not used to not getting laid every day, and that transcends our not being, you know…attracted to the thought of having a dick in our mouth. Just a theory. I mean come on, you’re in prison cause you held up a 7-11 with a water pistol to get money for some Air Jordans, am I REALLY supposed to believe that on the outside you had a constant stream of amazing trim? Camon. Just once I’d like to hear about prisoners talking like this:

a. Prisoner A: hey Jerry, how long you been here now?
b. Prisoner B: fricking 10 months.
c. Prisoner A: oh man, 10 months with no pussy? Damn!
d. Prisoner B: you know, it hasn’t been a big deal. I jerk off 6 times a day, just like back home. Hey, you done reading that?

Gabba Gabba Hey This is Funny (and Kinda True Today)

And this was back when wearing a Ramones t-shirt meant you actually loved the band; not like today where you get one in every box of cereal or some such. - XMASTIME

VIA.

Holy Cow du Jour

NACA, the predecessor to NASA, turns 100 today. Seems pretty incredible to me.

At This Point...

...I'm starting to feel bad for Right Shark. #andrewridgley

Official All-time Sitcom Character Top 4

Archie Bunker, All in the Family
George Costanza, Seinfeld
Delboy Trotter, Only Fools and Horses
Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties

Is There a Reason...

...we're not forking all of or money over...

Questions. I Have Them.

Is there a worse feeling in the world than renting a movie, not watching it, renting it again, and not watching it again when you coulda just bought the goddam thing for the same total price?

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Listening to people talk on the train to each other is a reminder that OMG, there are some boring motherfuckers out there.

Goals. I Have Them.

I'm gonna write a screenplay just so I can include the running joke of a father threatening his two kids under 5 "keep it up and there'll be NO Springsteen in the car!!"

Hankburger

The first love letter I ever wrote to my high school girlfriend began with the first line from Hank Williams' suicide note:

"We met, we lived and dear we loved..."

Unfortunately, the whole thing ended worse for me than it did Hank. Sigh.

Anyhoo, my for a great burger led me to this little tidbit from a best burger in every state list:

Burger Bar (address and info) Bristol The burger: I Can't Help It
When Hank Williams sang “I Can’t Help It if I’m Still in Love With You,” we’re almost positive he was singing to this 8oz, American-topped, griddled bacon cheeseburger. After all, the singer is thought to have died in the back seat of his pink Cadillac after stopping at the Bristol burger joint. Heartache from driving away was most likely the cause of death.

A Question of Tact

How do you tell a 5 year-old that you don't ACTUALLY give a shit about the video game she's playing & don't need a play-by-play? #killmenow

Thoughts. I Have Them.

The only thing louder than kids at the crack of dawn are kids at the crack of dawn who are trying to be quiet. #incrediblyloudwhispering #irony