1) Learn the robot. I mean it this time. Said I’d do it in 2005, didn’t get it done, got scared in 2006 and backed away from it. But guess what? By this time in 2007, I will be poppin n lockin.
2) Go on an actual date with a woman. And by this I don’t mean "show up at a bar, wait for a girl to get shitfaced enough to blow me in the bathroom while I scream about the new gotdammed internet jukeboxes, and lets me cum in her hair." Actually, scratch that….that would abe fucking awesome. Forget the date.
3) Track down the mf who invented pineapple and ham pizza, club him to death with a baby seal.
4) Have a baby seal sausages cookout.
5) Spread the word to every girl I know, see or meet that you know what, yeah, you DO look fat.
7) If I don’t start softening my stool soon, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.
9) Invent a toothpaste that tastes like pussy. But not great pussy; I don’t wanna spend all fucking day brushing my dick.
10) Learn Chinese. Seriously, those fuckers are up to something.
12) I’d like to walk into a room and receive a long, loud slow-clap from the crowd. Just once.
13) For having a humungous dick.
14) With Jessica Alba attached to it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
"Working Vacation"
I love how now they list Bush’s vacation as a "working vacation." Isn’t that pathetic? He’s such a fucking loser, no-count president that he has to insist "seriously guys, I’m gonna be working! Camon, I mean it! I’ll keep the fax turned on, I swear!!" cause he knows we’re all rolling our eyes at what a fucking goof-off he is. Christ. Wonder what The Decider will come up during this Brush Clearing Season. Hey, maybe as he’s clearing brush and "mulling things over", he can get another visit from God, like when God told him to invade Iraq?
GOD: Hey, uh…George, it’s me.
W: Whoa! The brush is talking to me!! It's a Christmas Rapture Miracle!! I KNEW the Jews were wrong!! Hello, Brush!!
GOD: George it’s me. God. In heaven.
W: Mr. Reagan? Oh my gosh, it’s you! Why, I-
GOD: It’s me, dumbass!! God!! G-O-D!!
W: oooohh, yeah. Hey!
GOD: Listen, could you stop running around saying that I told you to invade the Middle East? You’re embarrassing me.
W: But…but you did!! You said "G-Rock, you need to invade Iraq and spread democracy throughout the Middle East!" By the way, G-Rock is the nickname you gave me. Hey, did you know our names both start with the letter "G"? wow!
GOD: Okay, first of all, I never gave you a nickname. Period.
W: Sure you did. G-rock!
GOD: No. I didn’t. You know how I know this?
W: Did…did God tell you?
GOD: Because I’ve never spoken to you!!
W: Sure you did. I was clearing a bunch of brush and you spoke to me. And you said that I was doing the work of Jesus, and he’d come back and join our fight against the gays. And New Yorkers.
GOD: Why on earth would I tell you to invade the region that includes the Holy Land, and then turn it into a democracy like yours, a government which was built upon the very idea of not including, you know, ME? Why would I recommend that, of all things?
W: Just like the Bible said, and I quote: "Were I whence I be, when I whence to came, glory to all upon where were I whence."
GOD: And do you really think Jesus, if I did send him back, would hang out with YOU guys?
W: I had Dick make some bumper stickers: "Jesus Loves Me – Just ask Him, He’s Right Here!"
GOD: You didn’t notice that in the Bible, Jesus tended to hang out with the poor, the diseased, the outcasts?
W: Well, in the beginning, sure. I just assumed that buy the end, he was rich and cool, running things, right? I mean, look who HIS dad is!
GOD: You…didn’t read the whole thing?
W: Dude.
GOD: Riiiight…listen, anyways, like I said. Please stop telling people I’m behind this mess, okay?
W: Can I tell people you came up with the Dubai Port deal?
GOD: You’re not a smart man, George.
W: No. No I’m not
GOD: But you do keep things interesting.
W: Hey, can you tell which one is Mary-Kate and which one is Ashley?
GOD: Goodbye, George
W: You mean "G-Rock"!
GOD: And quit praying for "Weekend at Bernies III." Ain’t gonna happen.
W: G-Rock!
GOD: Bye
Friday, December 22, 2006
Eugene Smith
When I was a kid, my big dream was to score a 1,000 points in my high school basketball career. Thousands of hours in my backyard gunning the rock I'd dream of scoring my thousandth point on a snowy February night in my high school gym, then go play ball for UVa, where I'd hang out with Jeff Lamp and Lee Raker. Well. Even if they were 13 years before me. But hey, I was a kid!
When I was coming through there were 4 1000 points scorers in the history of my high school: Jerome Whitaker, Darryl Hammond, Alfred Johnson (saw him get his 1000th) and Eugene Smith. To me, these were the most hallowed of giants, I pictured them as did whichever knight it was from Camelot that as a boy dreamed of knights as they were big, beautiful angels in white gliding across a field. I pictured these guys spending their lives in a club somewhere, drinking soda and patting themselves on the back in another world.
I never did get that thousandth point, but I was thinking this morning about Eugene Smith, who finished his career with 1,004 points. Just got into the hallowed club. I don't know Eugene Smith, never met him, he graduated from my high school I think in 1974. Ish. I knew of him only through old yearbook sports sections I'd memorize. Sometime when I was a junior, 1988-1989, someone discovered that there was a mistake, that Smith had been credited with 14 points from a scrimmage. 990 points. Goodbye hallowed club. Looking back, I have no idea how anyone discovered this; in my high school and district I'm shocked they kept track of old scores, much less individual scoring from 15 years back. I remember how sad I felt for Eugene, how devestated he must have been when he heard the news. As I'm thinking right now, I hope he never did find out. Knowing what I do now, odds are he was probably flipping burgers at a BK Lounge when the mistake was discovered. Maybe being a 1000-point scorer was the peak for him, maybe he thought about it a lot. Maybe not, maybe he went on to become a doctor, I have no idea. Why would someone dig up something like that and expose it? This was small-town, nothing ball; it's not like discovering 20 years later that Laettner didn't get the ball off in time to beat Kentucky.
Anyways, just was thinking about it this morning for some reason. Poor guy. A great achievement, found a decade and a half later to be erroneous through no fault of his own, wonder if he knew and if it had an affect on him. Ah well.
Course, if he stumbles on Xmastime and that's how he finds out I'll never forgive myself!!
When I was coming through there were 4 1000 points scorers in the history of my high school: Jerome Whitaker, Darryl Hammond, Alfred Johnson (saw him get his 1000th) and Eugene Smith. To me, these were the most hallowed of giants, I pictured them as did whichever knight it was from Camelot that as a boy dreamed of knights as they were big, beautiful angels in white gliding across a field. I pictured these guys spending their lives in a club somewhere, drinking soda and patting themselves on the back in another world.
I never did get that thousandth point, but I was thinking this morning about Eugene Smith, who finished his career with 1,004 points. Just got into the hallowed club. I don't know Eugene Smith, never met him, he graduated from my high school I think in 1974. Ish. I knew of him only through old yearbook sports sections I'd memorize. Sometime when I was a junior, 1988-1989, someone discovered that there was a mistake, that Smith had been credited with 14 points from a scrimmage. 990 points. Goodbye hallowed club. Looking back, I have no idea how anyone discovered this; in my high school and district I'm shocked they kept track of old scores, much less individual scoring from 15 years back. I remember how sad I felt for Eugene, how devestated he must have been when he heard the news. As I'm thinking right now, I hope he never did find out. Knowing what I do now, odds are he was probably flipping burgers at a BK Lounge when the mistake was discovered. Maybe being a 1000-point scorer was the peak for him, maybe he thought about it a lot. Maybe not, maybe he went on to become a doctor, I have no idea. Why would someone dig up something like that and expose it? This was small-town, nothing ball; it's not like discovering 20 years later that Laettner didn't get the ball off in time to beat Kentucky.
Anyways, just was thinking about it this morning for some reason. Poor guy. A great achievement, found a decade and a half later to be erroneous through no fault of his own, wonder if he knew and if it had an affect on him. Ah well.
Course, if he stumbles on Xmastime and that's how he finds out I'll never forgive myself!!
Eat the Poor
Fairly stunning article I stumbled upon in the Snoop Dog cover of Rolling Stone by economist Paul Krugman. I knew the gap between the super-rich and the “regular people” was getting wider, but this article really lays out how absurd it has become. Quote that amidst all the numbers really jumped out at me:
“Lately, however, we have experience a death of outrage.”
For three+ years now I’ve been screaming re: where the fuck is this country’s outrage? False wars, flat-out lying by our “leaders”, rigged elections, gas prices out of control for years, corporate welfare destroying hard-working peoples lives and we can’t be bothered to even get a little miffed. “Oh well” we shrug. The piece de resistance of our incredible lack of giving a shit being, of course, re-electing the administration in 2004. Things had gotten awful, but we just weren’t satisfied until we had driven ourselves COMPLETELY into the ground, right? I’ve spent years thinking what is it going to take for us to finally say enough is enough?
“But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (R.I.P), “we DID stand up during the 2006 elections!”
Well, that’s great and all, but let’s remember that after 6 years of lying, years of Americans dying because of sheer incompetence and hubris, years of being screwed by these fuckwads who don’t even PRETEND to not be laughing at us anymore it was Mark Foley and the other silly fucking scandals the Republicans found themselves drowning in that finally made us chagrined, FINALLY made us think hey, waaaaait a minute.... We’ve become a country that doesn’t mind being screwed and pissed on by the ultra-rich as long as they’re cheating on their wives with high-priced female escorts instead of other men. What is it finally going to take for us to be outraged enough to fucking do something about it? We trot out cameras to film Cindy Sheehan and let the GOP treat her as if she's the devil, she must be CRAAAAAAAZY, unhinged! but thats ONE person that has stood up in protest, ONE person out of 300 million Americans, and we've let her be treated like a punchline. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
I’m not gonna go crazy here, I don't want this to be about the daily furious rantngs of Xmastime, the article should shock you enough. The rich are geting richer, the poor are getting poorer and we seem to be eating it up with a spoon.
Ps – yes, I know it being in Rolling Stone may detract from it’s credibility. I can understand that, think what you will, but I’ve linked Paul Krugman’s wikipedia bio here if you need a little assurance.
“Lately, however, we have experience a death of outrage.”
For three+ years now I’ve been screaming re: where the fuck is this country’s outrage? False wars, flat-out lying by our “leaders”, rigged elections, gas prices out of control for years, corporate welfare destroying hard-working peoples lives and we can’t be bothered to even get a little miffed. “Oh well” we shrug. The piece de resistance of our incredible lack of giving a shit being, of course, re-electing the administration in 2004. Things had gotten awful, but we just weren’t satisfied until we had driven ourselves COMPLETELY into the ground, right? I’ve spent years thinking what is it going to take for us to finally say enough is enough?
“But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (R.I.P), “we DID stand up during the 2006 elections!”
Well, that’s great and all, but let’s remember that after 6 years of lying, years of Americans dying because of sheer incompetence and hubris, years of being screwed by these fuckwads who don’t even PRETEND to not be laughing at us anymore it was Mark Foley and the other silly fucking scandals the Republicans found themselves drowning in that finally made us chagrined, FINALLY made us think hey, waaaaait a minute.... We’ve become a country that doesn’t mind being screwed and pissed on by the ultra-rich as long as they’re cheating on their wives with high-priced female escorts instead of other men. What is it finally going to take for us to be outraged enough to fucking do something about it? We trot out cameras to film Cindy Sheehan and let the GOP treat her as if she's the devil, she must be CRAAAAAAAZY, unhinged! but thats ONE person that has stood up in protest, ONE person out of 300 million Americans, and we've let her be treated like a punchline. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
I’m not gonna go crazy here, I don't want this to be about the daily furious rantngs of Xmastime, the article should shock you enough. The rich are geting richer, the poor are getting poorer and we seem to be eating it up with a spoon.
Ps – yes, I know it being in Rolling Stone may detract from it’s credibility. I can understand that, think what you will, but I’ve linked Paul Krugman’s wikipedia bio here if you need a little assurance.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Fuck Trump
Good for Rosie. While in the past years I had thought of The Donald as amusing, recently I’ve begun to be creeped out by him. What kind of real wheeler-n-dealer in the world of business would be SO proud/in love with his own tv show (in which he stars)? I mean, doesn’t he have more important things to obsess about if he’s such a playa? I don’t see Rupert Murdoch or Bill Gates prancing about in retarded reality shows. And then these classes he’s been “teaching” at the Learning Annex in which, according to the commercials, the main lesson is “take chances! Roll the dice!!” Which is great advice.if you were sitting on gazillions of dollars given to you by your dad and his buddies. "Going for it" when you've got billions of dollars at your disposal to succeed or fail with is different than having to decide whether or not to invest your life savings/nest egg. Thanks for the advice, dumbass. As useful as my old riff about when weathermen say to beat the heat, stay inside with your air conditioning pumping. Useless.
But last week I got a whiff of reekiness when he actually called a press conference to announce he’d be deciding if Miss America could keep her crown. What? Why would this have to be made public unless he actually did decide to cut her loose? One thing if he calls a press conference to say that he was firing her, sorry, tuff luck she blew it. But to announce to the world that he was gonna think about it for a while so we could wait on the edge of our seats, all the while embarrassing this young girl is (I hope) the height of his arrogance and desperate need for attention. Unreal. And then we’re supposed to pat him on the back and shake our heads “what a great guy! Giving the girl a second chance!” Fuck you. I only wish she had told him to go fuck himself, a la my dreams listed here (#6). Rosie’s right, and the fact that he would IMMEDIATELY grab a camera and basically hurl childish, personal insults directed at her weights shows who we’re dealing with. Fucking douchebag.
On a related side-note, we need to stop declaring that all these young celeb superstars have drinking problems. Lindsay has been going to AA, Miss America is going to rehab, and within the first 4 episodes of The Real World 2 out of the 7 roommates have had to admit they have a “problem.” Fucking please. Lindsay et al run around town cause they’re young and rich and happen to be surrounded by people plying them with drinks. And the Real World producers LOAD these houses now with booze. If these people were shoving fish sticks on these chicks, we’d be lamenting their fish stick problem. We all LOVE to see a “fault” in these people, then we love to pat ourselves on the back for being concerned about them and their “problem.” Give it a fucking rest; I doubt these chicks are sitting on their couches at 10am guzzling vodka, desperate for booze. Leave them alone – they’re freaks of nature manufactured by us and if they wanna get shitfaced and show their naked snatches, fine by me.
But last week I got a whiff of reekiness when he actually called a press conference to announce he’d be deciding if Miss America could keep her crown. What? Why would this have to be made public unless he actually did decide to cut her loose? One thing if he calls a press conference to say that he was firing her, sorry, tuff luck she blew it. But to announce to the world that he was gonna think about it for a while so we could wait on the edge of our seats, all the while embarrassing this young girl is (I hope) the height of his arrogance and desperate need for attention. Unreal. And then we’re supposed to pat him on the back and shake our heads “what a great guy! Giving the girl a second chance!” Fuck you. I only wish she had told him to go fuck himself, a la my dreams listed here (#6). Rosie’s right, and the fact that he would IMMEDIATELY grab a camera and basically hurl childish, personal insults directed at her weights shows who we’re dealing with. Fucking douchebag.
On a related side-note, we need to stop declaring that all these young celeb superstars have drinking problems. Lindsay has been going to AA, Miss America is going to rehab, and within the first 4 episodes of The Real World 2 out of the 7 roommates have had to admit they have a “problem.” Fucking please. Lindsay et al run around town cause they’re young and rich and happen to be surrounded by people plying them with drinks. And the Real World producers LOAD these houses now with booze. If these people were shoving fish sticks on these chicks, we’d be lamenting their fish stick problem. We all LOVE to see a “fault” in these people, then we love to pat ourselves on the back for being concerned about them and their “problem.” Give it a fucking rest; I doubt these chicks are sitting on their couches at 10am guzzling vodka, desperate for booze. Leave them alone – they’re freaks of nature manufactured by us and if they wanna get shitfaced and show their naked snatches, fine by me.
The Joy of Xmastime
One of the few things in this life I have left to enjoy is when all my roommates are gone. The second the last dude has shut the door behind him my clothes immediately explode off of my body and “Naked Night” kicks off in full force. And since everybody’s gone for the whole next week it becomes, you guessed it, “Naked Week.” Last night while sprawled on my couch naked, wowing my own nakedness, I struck upon an easy white-trash Naked Night dish for you guys.
Chef Boyardee Ravioli Lasagna
INGREDIENTS:
3 cans of Chef Boyardee Meat Ravioli
18 slices white American cheese
Take ravioli out of cans and drain/rinse off the sauce. We want them fairly dry; there will be enuff of a taste of sauce still on the ravioli. It’s only Chef Boyardee, it’s not like I’m asking you to toss out Ragu. In a small casserole dish, lay out the ravioli - 4 rows of 4. All the cans I used last night had exactly 16 raviolis. Perhaps this number is a nod to Italy, as in the same number of letters in “Shaped like a booot”? And yes I added an extra “o” to get to sixteen letters. Get off my ass – I don’t have a job, I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995 and every day on the TV guide thingee they list a double shot of “What’s Happening!” coming on at 9pm, but when I gleefully flip to it at 9 they fucking show Andy Griffith. Every day for the last week I have fallen for this, and I am not fucking pleased. The two hours I spent rubbing my nakedness on every cd my roommate owns barely cheers me up. Anyway. Moving on. Take cheese slices and layer them on top of raviolis, now repeat the ravioli and cheese layers two more times, stick in oven and wait for cheese to melt and turn a nice bubbly brown. Mmmm!! Sit back on couch, turn to repeat of “The Real World” and enjoy. And since it’s Naked Week and nobody's around, you can shit afterwards with the bathroom door wide open. Sigh. I don't know what heaven is gonna be like, but if it tops shitting with the door open I'll be surprised. Salut!
Chef Boyardee Ravioli Lasagna
INGREDIENTS:
3 cans of Chef Boyardee Meat Ravioli
18 slices white American cheese
Take ravioli out of cans and drain/rinse off the sauce. We want them fairly dry; there will be enuff of a taste of sauce still on the ravioli. It’s only Chef Boyardee, it’s not like I’m asking you to toss out Ragu. In a small casserole dish, lay out the ravioli - 4 rows of 4. All the cans I used last night had exactly 16 raviolis. Perhaps this number is a nod to Italy, as in the same number of letters in “Shaped like a booot”? And yes I added an extra “o” to get to sixteen letters. Get off my ass – I don’t have a job, I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995 and every day on the TV guide thingee they list a double shot of “What’s Happening!” coming on at 9pm, but when I gleefully flip to it at 9 they fucking show Andy Griffith. Every day for the last week I have fallen for this, and I am not fucking pleased. The two hours I spent rubbing my nakedness on every cd my roommate owns barely cheers me up. Anyway. Moving on. Take cheese slices and layer them on top of raviolis, now repeat the ravioli and cheese layers two more times, stick in oven and wait for cheese to melt and turn a nice bubbly brown. Mmmm!! Sit back on couch, turn to repeat of “The Real World” and enjoy. And since it’s Naked Week and nobody's around, you can shit afterwards with the bathroom door wide open. Sigh. I don't know what heaven is gonna be like, but if it tops shitting with the door open I'll be surprised. Salut!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Chinese Shop
A LA CARTE
Cum Drop Soup
Fresh every 2.7 days
Hoo Flung Poo
Napkins & Raincoats provided
Suc Sum Tit
Childrens Special
Yung-Poon Tang
No Take Out Orders Accepted
LUNCHEON SPECIALS
Sum Young Chick
Different and Delicious
Won Hung Lo
Chinese Meatballs
Sum Dum Fuc
Same as #1 but with Hot Sauce
Chu Sum Twat
Dinners for parties of three or more
DINNER COMBOS
Goo Wee Chick
Sloppy Seconds No Extra Charge
Cum Tu Soon
Over Early – These Go Fast
Suc Mi Wang
Smothered with Duck Sauce
Fuc Mei Slo
Not available after 10pm
Lik Mi Clit
A delicious lip smacking treat
Cho Kon It
Generous Portions Provided
Wai Tu Yung
Not available on school nights
Sum Gulp Cum
Lo-Cal Diet Special
FREE PORKING IN REAR
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Family Christmas Weekend
This past weekend I went down to Richmond to have our annual Xmas Family Dinner, wherein my brothers and I descend upon my sister’s house to eat, drink and be merry. As this was what I thought to be the best one in all the years we’ve done this, thought I’d collect a few thoughts for you.
My sister, who always hosts these events, is a BIT of a worrier. God bless her, she means the best, but she thinks she’s hosting a state dinner and the Queen of England is coming. “It’s only us, we try and say. But she gets worked up worrying, for weeks leading up to it she’s screaming, desperately trying to make everything perfect etc etc. worried about the meal, someone finding a coaster out of place, whatever. So this year my brother came up with a GENIUS idea to relieve her stress: instead of cooking, fuck that, we’ll go to our all-time favorite Chinese restaurant down the street, Joy Garden. This way we just roll in, have a few cocktails, she ain’t gotta cook or nothing. No worrying, no screaming. So of course by late afternoon she’s worrying about us getting there EXACTLY AT 5PM, who’s sitting where, how we’re getting there, what the Chinese are gonna do about Google, etc etc. But at least instead of the Crazy-O-Meter raging at 10, this was just a healthy purring 4. Beautiful idea. Genius. On a side note, instead of the real Chinese waitresses we’ve enjoyed there throughout the decades (my gems such as “whachu wan for to dwink??!?!” did not come outta thin air, people), we got stuck with some middle-aged former barfly from the sticks. I don’t go to an institution such as Joy Garden to hear “yall” or “sugarpie” or “follow me to the ladies room, Big Fun Buck.” And I ordered a Johnny Walker Black. Ten minutes later she comes out with a SHOT of JWB. Which, of course was wrong. But the funny thing is it wasn’t even in a shot glass, it was in a regular glass, but for some reason she thought “this guy wants a shot, even though he didn’t say so, and even though we don’t have shot glasses in the restaurant cause it’s not like people come here to pound shots, so you know what…I’m thinking what the hell, I'll try giving him a shot.” What the fuck thinking is this? "...I'm back at Xmastime's place, he asked me to come in here and change into sumpin skimpy so we can fuck, so I'm thinking...he probably wants me to fill the sink with shaving cream, then slip out the window and blow the first teenager I see on the street...I'm on it!"
Speaking of the Chinese, as usual I took the Chinatown bus down. I don’t know what it is they’re cooking up but I’m telling you, these people are up to something. I’m surrounded by them on their cell phones, screaming “ACH TUNG DOW!! TUNG DOW CHU CHU TUNG FOO DAH!!!!!!!” Jesus. A violent sounding language. MAYBE they’re saying “Plesse pick me up at the appropriate bus depot upon my arrival, say hello to Grandmama.” But they might also be saying “Damn right we’re blowing this shit up, starting with this fucking bus and Yellowstone. Free MY big swingin Tibet, Niggaaaaaazzz!!”
I actually heard a Chinese girl behind me finish a sentence with “ding ding ding!” Ding ding ding? Are you kidding me? I turned around, I thought maybe I had won a prize. It’s tough to be intimidated by a people who actually say “ding ding ding.” Is there an English equivalent of using the same word three straight times in a sentence? MAYBE when me and Op go out looking to get up in some tongety-tong tongs, but that’s about it. And he’s married, which surely the Chinese already know. Hmm. Velly intresting.
One good thing was that for the second year in a row, Xmastime did not win the “Brother Who Pisses off Our Sister by Being a Dumb Drunk Fuck Award.” Little bro defended his title nicely, following up last year’s performance with breaking a window, covering the driveway in puke, shattering his own glasses on the porch and, best of all, being completely baffled the next morning by our sister peeling the paint off the walls with her screaming at him. God Bless him. All this while yours truly, after years of holding the title and there being talk of having my number retired, sat quietly on the couch in a nicely pressed white shirt, sipping beer while chatting amiably. Little Bro, a lesson for next year: when you're at a get together and about to puke, just lift your shirt away from your chest, lower your head, turn towards your shoulder and let the puke fly, then cover back up. Camon brah! This is remedial shit I'm teaching here!
He did have the best thought of the weekend, though. After we had all had a few cocktails, a group of us got into a spirited debate about something. Little bro decides to jump in and disagrees with me. I say something and then he suddenly jumps up and announces A-HA!!! He wins the argument!...turns out I had used the word “amalgamation.” And, since he didn’t know what the word meant, that completely discredited everything I had said up to that moment. Get that? It’s not even as if he had busted me trying to be showy with a word I myself did not understand, it’s that HE didn’t know it, so TA-DA!! Everything I had said up to that point had no substance, he wins, let’s hit the clubs and drink us up some bub! Unreal. Poor dude, was ecstatic, actually looked around the room for a high five. Sigh.
Of course all great things in VA begin and end with my nephew Paddy Mac. I got to spend hours with him, and I learned to play his favorite “game” with him. He likes for you to sit in a chair, and one by one he will bring you all of his books. Here’s one on shapes, here’s one on trucks, dogs, whatever. At first you’re like “oh, you want me to read this to you?” to which he’s like please shut up, I’ve got 14 more books to deliver. So you sit there til you have all the books. And then of course it’s time to…you got it…return the books. One by one he takes them from you back to the book corner. Fascinating. And once you’re done with book delivery, it’s stuffed animal transfer time. And just like how he has zero interest in reading the books, he simply has no time to waste actually playing with the freaking animals, gotta keep moving product. Penguin, bear, Snoopy, etc etc. I figure he’ll end up as a librarian, or a mailman. Well, or if he actually wants to make money, a drug mule. I dont throw the word "prodigy" around every day people, but I feel it's applicable here.
Everyone spent the weekend being fascinated by how quickly I’d be able to calm little man down whenever he’d get cranky. He’d start to cry, and Uncle Xmas would stroll in, lay hands, and VOILA! Calmed down or, even better, drifting off to sleep. "What a guy!" everyone thinks. I’m the same way with my godsons, they think I have some magical touch. So I guess it’s time I gave up my secret….I keep my fingers coated in whiskey. Go to baby, pat him on head “awww, lil guy, it’s okay…” let him suck your finger for a second, POW! He’s down, and we can get back to discussing why only one chick has ever appreciated it when I tried to introduce Chicken McNuggets into our lovemaking (yes, the fucking 20-pack.)
So I had a great weekend, and in light of recent events I’m letting my older brother know that I’m gunning for him next year for the “Golden Brother” title; I don’t know what I can do to knock him off the top but I’ll think of something. SOMEone might take a sip of his drink and wake up on my sister’s couch the next morning in a Richmond Braves uniform with a note pinned to it “Thanks for last night!! – Love, Coach”
My sister, who always hosts these events, is a BIT of a worrier. God bless her, she means the best, but she thinks she’s hosting a state dinner and the Queen of England is coming. “It’s only us, we try and say. But she gets worked up worrying, for weeks leading up to it she’s screaming, desperately trying to make everything perfect etc etc. worried about the meal, someone finding a coaster out of place, whatever. So this year my brother came up with a GENIUS idea to relieve her stress: instead of cooking, fuck that, we’ll go to our all-time favorite Chinese restaurant down the street, Joy Garden. This way we just roll in, have a few cocktails, she ain’t gotta cook or nothing. No worrying, no screaming. So of course by late afternoon she’s worrying about us getting there EXACTLY AT 5PM, who’s sitting where, how we’re getting there, what the Chinese are gonna do about Google, etc etc. But at least instead of the Crazy-O-Meter raging at 10, this was just a healthy purring 4. Beautiful idea. Genius. On a side note, instead of the real Chinese waitresses we’ve enjoyed there throughout the decades (my gems such as “whachu wan for to dwink??!?!” did not come outta thin air, people), we got stuck with some middle-aged former barfly from the sticks. I don’t go to an institution such as Joy Garden to hear “yall” or “sugarpie” or “follow me to the ladies room, Big Fun Buck.” And I ordered a Johnny Walker Black. Ten minutes later she comes out with a SHOT of JWB. Which, of course was wrong. But the funny thing is it wasn’t even in a shot glass, it was in a regular glass, but for some reason she thought “this guy wants a shot, even though he didn’t say so, and even though we don’t have shot glasses in the restaurant cause it’s not like people come here to pound shots, so you know what…I’m thinking what the hell, I'll try giving him a shot.” What the fuck thinking is this? "...I'm back at Xmastime's place, he asked me to come in here and change into sumpin skimpy so we can fuck, so I'm thinking...he probably wants me to fill the sink with shaving cream, then slip out the window and blow the first teenager I see on the street...I'm on it!"
Speaking of the Chinese, as usual I took the Chinatown bus down. I don’t know what it is they’re cooking up but I’m telling you, these people are up to something. I’m surrounded by them on their cell phones, screaming “ACH TUNG DOW!! TUNG DOW CHU CHU TUNG FOO DAH!!!!!!!” Jesus. A violent sounding language. MAYBE they’re saying “Plesse pick me up at the appropriate bus depot upon my arrival, say hello to Grandmama.” But they might also be saying “Damn right we’re blowing this shit up, starting with this fucking bus and Yellowstone. Free MY big swingin Tibet, Niggaaaaaazzz!!”
I actually heard a Chinese girl behind me finish a sentence with “ding ding ding!” Ding ding ding? Are you kidding me? I turned around, I thought maybe I had won a prize. It’s tough to be intimidated by a people who actually say “ding ding ding.” Is there an English equivalent of using the same word three straight times in a sentence? MAYBE when me and Op go out looking to get up in some tongety-tong tongs, but that’s about it. And he’s married, which surely the Chinese already know. Hmm. Velly intresting.
One good thing was that for the second year in a row, Xmastime did not win the “Brother Who Pisses off Our Sister by Being a Dumb Drunk Fuck Award.” Little bro defended his title nicely, following up last year’s performance with breaking a window, covering the driveway in puke, shattering his own glasses on the porch and, best of all, being completely baffled the next morning by our sister peeling the paint off the walls with her screaming at him. God Bless him. All this while yours truly, after years of holding the title and there being talk of having my number retired, sat quietly on the couch in a nicely pressed white shirt, sipping beer while chatting amiably. Little Bro, a lesson for next year: when you're at a get together and about to puke, just lift your shirt away from your chest, lower your head, turn towards your shoulder and let the puke fly, then cover back up. Camon brah! This is remedial shit I'm teaching here!
He did have the best thought of the weekend, though. After we had all had a few cocktails, a group of us got into a spirited debate about something. Little bro decides to jump in and disagrees with me. I say something and then he suddenly jumps up and announces A-HA!!! He wins the argument!...turns out I had used the word “amalgamation.” And, since he didn’t know what the word meant, that completely discredited everything I had said up to that moment. Get that? It’s not even as if he had busted me trying to be showy with a word I myself did not understand, it’s that HE didn’t know it, so TA-DA!! Everything I had said up to that point had no substance, he wins, let’s hit the clubs and drink us up some bub! Unreal. Poor dude, was ecstatic, actually looked around the room for a high five. Sigh.
Of course all great things in VA begin and end with my nephew Paddy Mac. I got to spend hours with him, and I learned to play his favorite “game” with him. He likes for you to sit in a chair, and one by one he will bring you all of his books. Here’s one on shapes, here’s one on trucks, dogs, whatever. At first you’re like “oh, you want me to read this to you?” to which he’s like please shut up, I’ve got 14 more books to deliver. So you sit there til you have all the books. And then of course it’s time to…you got it…return the books. One by one he takes them from you back to the book corner. Fascinating. And once you’re done with book delivery, it’s stuffed animal transfer time. And just like how he has zero interest in reading the books, he simply has no time to waste actually playing with the freaking animals, gotta keep moving product. Penguin, bear, Snoopy, etc etc. I figure he’ll end up as a librarian, or a mailman. Well, or if he actually wants to make money, a drug mule. I dont throw the word "prodigy" around every day people, but I feel it's applicable here.
Everyone spent the weekend being fascinated by how quickly I’d be able to calm little man down whenever he’d get cranky. He’d start to cry, and Uncle Xmas would stroll in, lay hands, and VOILA! Calmed down or, even better, drifting off to sleep. "What a guy!" everyone thinks. I’m the same way with my godsons, they think I have some magical touch. So I guess it’s time I gave up my secret….I keep my fingers coated in whiskey. Go to baby, pat him on head “awww, lil guy, it’s okay…” let him suck your finger for a second, POW! He’s down, and we can get back to discussing why only one chick has ever appreciated it when I tried to introduce Chicken McNuggets into our lovemaking (yes, the fucking 20-pack.)
So I had a great weekend, and in light of recent events I’m letting my older brother know that I’m gunning for him next year for the “Golden Brother” title; I don’t know what I can do to knock him off the top but I’ll think of something. SOMEone might take a sip of his drink and wake up on my sister’s couch the next morning in a Richmond Braves uniform with a note pinned to it “Thanks for last night!! – Love, Coach”
Grams v. Kelly
I can't be 100% sure just yet, but I might come out soon and announce that I hate early Dawson's Creek uber-judgemental grey panther "Grams" more than late-90210 so-judgementally-bitchy-that-even-I-wouldnt fuck her Kelly Taylor. stay tuned.
Friday, December 15, 2006
I'm Back!
Lets give a big Xmastime round of applause to my boy Jeff, who held down the fort here for a few days! Let’s face it; following Xmastime? I don’t wanna say"impossible", but I WILL agree that it’s not possible.
I babysat a lot while I was away, and I’ve learned that there is one reason I fucking resent infants. When a baby eats, we’re so happy for it when it really chows down; "oooh, good boy!" we coo "eat some more!! Oooh, MORE? I’m so proud!!" I’m elated when little man chows down what I made him and cries for more. But today I started thinking you know what, fuck you. Everybody’s doing cartwheels when you shovel it in, but I eyeball the last slice of pizza and it’s like"Oh, great, fucking take it Xmastime. You fat fucking pig." You know? No one coos and smiles when I go up for a second round of 20-piece McNuggets. No one applauds when I go up for 4ths on the buffet. Though what a world that would be, right? Course, I might was well hope for an actual pussy to be sewn onto my hand, so I guess dreaming is dreaming.
I also finally saw "Brokeback Mountain." Must say. Very disappointing. I was expecting to be overwhelmed by this flick; expected it to be amazing like everyone said. Even throughout the looooooooong first100 minutes I kept thinking well, okay, there’s gonna be an amazing ending that is going to completely bowl me over, I’ll be a weeping mess and will thank God for such a great movie. A veritable climax, one might say. But much like sex with a fat chick after staying up for three days drinking whiskey, after two hours of flaccid pumping there was no orgasm, no great ending. Very disappointing.The first thing threw me off was immediately upon meeting they start spilling their guts to each other. Hmm. Hard-scrabble, weathered sheepherders and they turn into Ricki fucking Lake. "Ooooh, my daddy’s mean! No one gets me! I’m writing a screenplay called ‘Star Wars’!!! wwaaaaaahhh my daddy’s mean!!" what??!?! Dudes don’t talk like that. I’ve spent countless late night hours with my boy Op, and after about a million scotch and sodas I still have no idea if he even HAS a father, where he’s from or if his name is in fact Op. We drink, stare at the tv and pretend to get into fights, like men. Not for a second could I believe that these two were in fact some sort of grizzled manly men. So then it becomes just another movie about namby-pambys hugging and kissing and I’m sorry, but in "Stand by Me" there were twice as many dudes, a dead body and one of the Coreys, so thanks but no thanks.
And I mean, I don’t know…if it’s the 1960’s, in the midwest, I’m a "cowboy" and I’m so horny that I’m willing to go against THE greatest taboo in society….instead of ass-raping another dude and risk ruining my life forever, maybe I get a bottle of wine and start sweet-talking one of THE 200 SHEEP THAT ARE SURROUNDING ME. Hmm. The odds of you getting caught are almost 0%. Sheep don’t talk. And I gotta figure that you’re better off being known as "the guy that fucked a sheep" instead of "the guy that slowly inserted his turgid, erect member into another man’squaking, expectant tunnel of love while laying soft feather kisses on his neck and touching his shivering, ecstatic nipples, a perfect union of milky flesh becoming one as their hearts beat to the same song of love and lust - eager in their lovemaking, eager in their willingness to please, yet patient in their want", no? But what the hell do I know? Up until now, the only sheepherders I’ve ever known was these guys:
"Don't quit me, Ralph!!"
"Nice handbag, queer" *smoooooooch!
Plus, enough with the goddam beans. Every meal, beans. Haven’t the gays been through enough already? We're 20 miles from a toilet or shower, you want me to stick it in your ass and you're pounding beans? HELL no.
Very disappointing, all I’m saying.
I babysat a lot while I was away, and I’ve learned that there is one reason I fucking resent infants. When a baby eats, we’re so happy for it when it really chows down; "oooh, good boy!" we coo "eat some more!! Oooh, MORE? I’m so proud!!" I’m elated when little man chows down what I made him and cries for more. But today I started thinking you know what, fuck you. Everybody’s doing cartwheels when you shovel it in, but I eyeball the last slice of pizza and it’s like"Oh, great, fucking take it Xmastime. You fat fucking pig." You know? No one coos and smiles when I go up for a second round of 20-piece McNuggets. No one applauds when I go up for 4ths on the buffet. Though what a world that would be, right? Course, I might was well hope for an actual pussy to be sewn onto my hand, so I guess dreaming is dreaming.
I also finally saw "Brokeback Mountain." Must say. Very disappointing. I was expecting to be overwhelmed by this flick; expected it to be amazing like everyone said. Even throughout the looooooooong first100 minutes I kept thinking well, okay, there’s gonna be an amazing ending that is going to completely bowl me over, I’ll be a weeping mess and will thank God for such a great movie. A veritable climax, one might say. But much like sex with a fat chick after staying up for three days drinking whiskey, after two hours of flaccid pumping there was no orgasm, no great ending. Very disappointing.The first thing threw me off was immediately upon meeting they start spilling their guts to each other. Hmm. Hard-scrabble, weathered sheepherders and they turn into Ricki fucking Lake. "Ooooh, my daddy’s mean! No one gets me! I’m writing a screenplay called ‘Star Wars’!!! wwaaaaaahhh my daddy’s mean!!" what??!?! Dudes don’t talk like that. I’ve spent countless late night hours with my boy Op, and after about a million scotch and sodas I still have no idea if he even HAS a father, where he’s from or if his name is in fact Op. We drink, stare at the tv and pretend to get into fights, like men. Not for a second could I believe that these two were in fact some sort of grizzled manly men. So then it becomes just another movie about namby-pambys hugging and kissing and I’m sorry, but in "Stand by Me" there were twice as many dudes, a dead body and one of the Coreys, so thanks but no thanks.
And I mean, I don’t know…if it’s the 1960’s, in the midwest, I’m a "cowboy" and I’m so horny that I’m willing to go against THE greatest taboo in society….instead of ass-raping another dude and risk ruining my life forever, maybe I get a bottle of wine and start sweet-talking one of THE 200 SHEEP THAT ARE SURROUNDING ME. Hmm. The odds of you getting caught are almost 0%. Sheep don’t talk. And I gotta figure that you’re better off being known as "the guy that fucked a sheep" instead of "the guy that slowly inserted his turgid, erect member into another man’squaking, expectant tunnel of love while laying soft feather kisses on his neck and touching his shivering, ecstatic nipples, a perfect union of milky flesh becoming one as their hearts beat to the same song of love and lust - eager in their lovemaking, eager in their willingness to please, yet patient in their want", no? But what the hell do I know? Up until now, the only sheepherders I’ve ever known was these guys:
"Don't quit me, Ralph!!"
"Nice handbag, queer" *smoooooooch!
Plus, enough with the goddam beans. Every meal, beans. Haven’t the gays been through enough already? We're 20 miles from a toilet or shower, you want me to stick it in your ass and you're pounding beans? HELL no.
Very disappointing, all I’m saying.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Fall of the American Empire
Forget Xmastime's kvetching and his "attitude" cribbed from that freakishly large headed Bill Maher.
We got real problems.
For example, Cup Stacking.
"Hey, let's come up with a 'competitive sport' that a) can allow Rain Man morons to win and b) provide no other benefit, like teamwork, intelligence, strategy or exercise."
This is what passes for competition in a nation that cannot have their young people keep score of a soccer match for fear of wounding their self-esteem. We cannot have murder ball lest fatty Noah be struck unfairly by a whizzing rubber orb. And I'm supposed to lament losing some of these fools in Iraq?
Never has a populace had youth with such undeservedly high self-regard. Indeed, Jedediah and Kyle, you are retarded, overly fed and infused with an ADD derived from your Game Cube, but at least you can stack cups. So, be confident! Go forth! Live on Mom's couch until you are 38 and you finally realize that cup stacking is not the wave of the future.
From this crowd, we will have to find centurions?
The Revenge of the Nerds is upon us, and we have more than the talentless, horse-faced Robert Carradine to fear. A committee of dorks now controls the levers of school. We cannot jump rope. We cannot compete. We cannot allow Kincaid to lose.
So, we train the future to stack plastic cups.
"Nice work, Flower."
Monday, December 11, 2006
Things Are Good
With Xmastime gone, I'd like to ensure that his absence won't be traumatic:
* "Boy is that president STOOOPID. A regular Chimpie McHitler. [INSERT 135 words or extraneous, unfunny crap here] He's so stupid he makes Ronnie Ray-Gun [cue the comedy stylings of comic master Richard Belzer circa 1983] seems like Dick Cavett."
* "WAKE UP, People! Stop the MaDNEss! Haven't we have enough of Chimpie McDuncer? It's on us. We just don't care. But we need too. VOTE, people! [INSERT 300 words, 297 of which are adjectives].
* "Did you know Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein? Just like 80% of the cashiers at 7-11" (ba-dum-dum, "thank you, I'll be here at the Laugh Factory thru Tuesday").
* "What kind of nation are we that pays Alfonso Soriano more money that teachers? [INSERT 240 words of faux outrage here, because Xmastime never paid dick to watch a public school teacher teach, but he lays out scads of cash for 'folk heroes' like Bruce Springsteen, dudes who have gotten so self-important that they actually will interrupt their pop - YES, POP! - songs to explain that indeed, the screen door slammed, and Mary's dress waved, but not like a hand waving at you - more like the waving of an ever-fading American flag as it is battered and bruised but 41 shots . . . 41 shots . . . 41 shots . . . . 41 Shots . . . 41 Shots . . . and CHIMPIE MCStoopidhead, and blood in gravel, blah, blah blah]. So , I got the kung-fu grip on my man stick while watching porn and they cut to a male reaction shot and I'm like, horrified, yet aroused."
Xmastime and his muse
* "Boy is that president STOOOPID. A regular Chimpie McHitler. [INSERT 135 words or extraneous, unfunny crap here] He's so stupid he makes Ronnie Ray-Gun [cue the comedy stylings of comic master Richard Belzer circa 1983] seems like Dick Cavett."
* "WAKE UP, People! Stop the MaDNEss! Haven't we have enough of Chimpie McDuncer? It's on us. We just don't care. But we need too. VOTE, people! [INSERT 300 words, 297 of which are adjectives].
* "Did you know Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein? Just like 80% of the cashiers at 7-11" (ba-dum-dum, "thank you, I'll be here at the Laugh Factory thru Tuesday").
* "What kind of nation are we that pays Alfonso Soriano more money that teachers? [INSERT 240 words of faux outrage here, because Xmastime never paid dick to watch a public school teacher teach, but he lays out scads of cash for 'folk heroes' like Bruce Springsteen, dudes who have gotten so self-important that they actually will interrupt their pop - YES, POP! - songs to explain that indeed, the screen door slammed, and Mary's dress waved, but not like a hand waving at you - more like the waving of an ever-fading American flag as it is battered and bruised but 41 shots . . . 41 shots . . . 41 shots . . . . 41 Shots . . . 41 Shots . . . and CHIMPIE MCStoopidhead, and blood in gravel, blah, blah blah]. So , I got the kung-fu grip on my man stick while watching porn and they cut to a male reaction shot and I'm like, horrified, yet aroused."
Xmastime and his muse
Guest Host!
You people, all 939,772 of you, are in for a treat - my boy Jeff from the erstwhile Football Fans for Truth site will be guest-blogging through Wednesday! Take it easy on him, for remember: it's not his fault he's not Xmastime. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Things are Good, Vol. XVII
1) I’m declaring a moratorium on the term “Best. (insert word here). Ever”; eg “Best. Tuna. Ever.” We get it, you liked the tuna. Wonderful. You don’t have to make THE final, definitive word on tuna. You don’t have to make it more dramatic by using. Periods. While. Talking. Slowly. So. I. Get. Your. Fucking. Point. Tuna. Good. Got it!
2) I’m writing a letter to Hillary Clinton. Please don’t run for President. Oh, I like you as a Senator, and at one time ages ago I wholeheartedly thought you’d be a great President. But now you’ve sold yourself out to the right so much, I might as well vote for a Republican anyways. And the fact is you can’t win. Sorry, but the hatred that would storm over the country during the campaign would be amazing. The Red States hate you. Women hate you. The Clinton Haters would come out of hibernation frothing at the mouth. The only person who would vote for you at this point is Tammy Wynette, and unless Joe Kennedy is running things, her vote might not get counted. Best. Vote. From. A. Corpse. Ever. Of course, now they say she won’t run if Obama does. Which to me is funny, because if she had waited a few years and ran for Senator in her “real” home state, no one would ever had heard of Obama. Ah well. Hey, I just noticed that by changing a single letter, “Obama” becomes “Osama.” I’m not saying Barak Obama is the number one terrorist on the planet, but so far all we know about him at all is he might be black, and Oprah loves him. That's all we know. And when the hell is Oprah gonna run for President? Wouldn't she win in a landslide? "Look under your voting booths, people...everybody's going home today in a new Festiva!!! yeeeaaaahhh!!!"
3) I also put a letter in the mail this morning to Prez W. Cause it dawned on me that you know what, when he’s done as US President, wouldn’t he wanna be President of Iraq? I mean hell, he’s been obsessed with the place since he got in office. He’s repeatedly told me that the democracy, safety and freedom of the Iraqi people is more important than my own; isn’t it obvious he wants to be with them? So W, dust off your resume, there's a new job waiting for you! After your’re out of the White House, I’d better not see your ass back at the ranch in Crawford “clearing brush.” I know you’ve already gone on record shrugging your shoulders that it’s the next guy’s problem to clean up your mess, just like whenever Daddy’s boys come and get your ass out of a sling, but remember - God told you to free these people. You were put here to solve the Middle East and await the Rapture!! You’ve spent years screaming that this is the most important thing in the world; if you don’t insist on finishing your work there even after you leave office (not a lot of brush over there, maybe you can fly some in from time to time so you can clear it on the weekends while pondering serious issues?) then I will assume that all these years of you crying for their “freedom” really was a load of horseshit – just like I’m suspicious of how quickly you’re saying “oh well, fuck it” now that you don’t have unchecked power any more. I’d have more respect for you if still insisted that you believed in what you were doing. Oh you’d be wrong, and retarded, and it wouldn’t matter because now it looks like the adults have shown up to take care of this while you go to your room and play with your Hot Wheels, but at least I’d believe that you did mean what you had been preaching for all these years. You’ve gone on about this being “our” moral duty all this time, so get over there and take your rightful place as Best. Iraqi. Dipshit. I. Mean. President. Ever.
4) I’ve spent a portion of every single one of my days on this earth watching, playing or talking about sports. I’m very confident in my manliness – I don’t wear cologne, I’ve been in bar fights and I don’t care about the female orgasm. Even if there is such a thing. But I have no idea what “taking the points” in gambling means. Or "giving the points" either. No idea, can’t wrap my head around it, whenever someone says it to me I nod my head and look like I’m thinking hard. Same thing I do on the crapper, now that I think of it. Hey, what are the odds of me taking a dump the size of a deer before I’m done with this post? Best. Odds. Ever.
5) The ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ reruns I’m watching right now are from the very first season. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed in how quickly Kelly, Donna et al accepted Brenda into their little group. Aren’t they part of the super-duper-snooty “it” group at the snobbiest school on earth? Yet Brenda’s barely out of her brother’s ’88 Chevette with Minneapolis plates before they’re BFF. Little disappointing. I mean, Brenda’s hot, but they’re ALL hot. Same with Steve – THE BMOC, supposedly the coolest guy in school, and he spends the whole first episode with the new hick in town (Brandon) and the local Vanilla Ice-wannabe-but-is-probably-too-gay-even-for-that guy (David.) Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I expect too much from my outrageously rich, snobby 16 year olds. Can a brother get some petty cattiness up in here for chrissake? Christ. I spend a lot of time hanging round outside the 7th grade at St. Agnes down the street, and those bitches wouldn’t cross the street to piss on me. No matter how much I offer them. They’re too busy being rich and aloof; now THOSE are cool “it” girls. Take a lesson, Kelly. This one’s dedicated to my girlfriend, Tori Spelling. Best. Horseface. Ever.
6) I wish all the Asians would fucking die.
7) Everytime I brace myself and think that women have woken up and decided to take over the planet, they shoot themselves in the titties. Over the last few years I’ve been reading/hearing about more and more women deciding that they’re gonna “stick it to men” and show us that they can be like men when it came to sex. I guess a big reason for this was of course “Sex and the City.” Cracks me up. Women have had enough, gonna free themselves, gonna stick it to men by having sex!!!! Lots of it!! Round the clock!!!...of course, to be having all this sex, it's gotta be with someone...so...who are they having all this sex with...all together now...men. Hmm. What’s next, cows making themselves hamburgers? That’ll learn us! Men are supposedly idiots, but we’ve quietly steered women towards being promiscuous, dressing like sluts and sleeping around without the hassle of a relationship. Well. You showed us, sister! Best. Secret. Ever. Though. Now. Every. Woman. Is. Going. To. Hate. Me. Though. Not. As. Much. As. Guys. Since. Now. The. Best. Secret. Ever. Is. Out.
8) Who are obituaries for? Who reads these – do you think you’re gonna stumble upon the name of someone you know? “….shit – that’s my wife!! I know she was cold in bed, but…” If it’s someone you remotely care about, odds are you already know they died. You know they were “beloved” and “cherished.” Why can’t people have fun with obituaries? Instead of the standad beloved and cherished bullshit, have some fun. “Reggie Durham died Wednesday…survived by wife and 2 kids…who have really turned out to be losers…devout member of First Baptist Church…owes me $114….strong figure in community…never learned to read or write…loyal husband of 33 years…Best. Flapjacks. Ever.” see? Wouldn’t that be great? Hey, they’re dead , they won’t care.
2) I’m writing a letter to Hillary Clinton. Please don’t run for President. Oh, I like you as a Senator, and at one time ages ago I wholeheartedly thought you’d be a great President. But now you’ve sold yourself out to the right so much, I might as well vote for a Republican anyways. And the fact is you can’t win. Sorry, but the hatred that would storm over the country during the campaign would be amazing. The Red States hate you. Women hate you. The Clinton Haters would come out of hibernation frothing at the mouth. The only person who would vote for you at this point is Tammy Wynette, and unless Joe Kennedy is running things, her vote might not get counted. Best. Vote. From. A. Corpse. Ever. Of course, now they say she won’t run if Obama does. Which to me is funny, because if she had waited a few years and ran for Senator in her “real” home state, no one would ever had heard of Obama. Ah well. Hey, I just noticed that by changing a single letter, “Obama” becomes “Osama.” I’m not saying Barak Obama is the number one terrorist on the planet, but so far all we know about him at all is he might be black, and Oprah loves him. That's all we know. And when the hell is Oprah gonna run for President? Wouldn't she win in a landslide? "Look under your voting booths, people...everybody's going home today in a new Festiva!!! yeeeaaaahhh!!!"
3) I also put a letter in the mail this morning to Prez W. Cause it dawned on me that you know what, when he’s done as US President, wouldn’t he wanna be President of Iraq? I mean hell, he’s been obsessed with the place since he got in office. He’s repeatedly told me that the democracy, safety and freedom of the Iraqi people is more important than my own; isn’t it obvious he wants to be with them? So W, dust off your resume, there's a new job waiting for you! After your’re out of the White House, I’d better not see your ass back at the ranch in Crawford “clearing brush.” I know you’ve already gone on record shrugging your shoulders that it’s the next guy’s problem to clean up your mess, just like whenever Daddy’s boys come and get your ass out of a sling, but remember - God told you to free these people. You were put here to solve the Middle East and await the Rapture!! You’ve spent years screaming that this is the most important thing in the world; if you don’t insist on finishing your work there even after you leave office (not a lot of brush over there, maybe you can fly some in from time to time so you can clear it on the weekends while pondering serious issues?) then I will assume that all these years of you crying for their “freedom” really was a load of horseshit – just like I’m suspicious of how quickly you’re saying “oh well, fuck it” now that you don’t have unchecked power any more. I’d have more respect for you if still insisted that you believed in what you were doing. Oh you’d be wrong, and retarded, and it wouldn’t matter because now it looks like the adults have shown up to take care of this while you go to your room and play with your Hot Wheels, but at least I’d believe that you did mean what you had been preaching for all these years. You’ve gone on about this being “our” moral duty all this time, so get over there and take your rightful place as Best. Iraqi. Dipshit. I. Mean. President. Ever.
4) I’ve spent a portion of every single one of my days on this earth watching, playing or talking about sports. I’m very confident in my manliness – I don’t wear cologne, I’ve been in bar fights and I don’t care about the female orgasm. Even if there is such a thing. But I have no idea what “taking the points” in gambling means. Or "giving the points" either. No idea, can’t wrap my head around it, whenever someone says it to me I nod my head and look like I’m thinking hard. Same thing I do on the crapper, now that I think of it. Hey, what are the odds of me taking a dump the size of a deer before I’m done with this post? Best. Odds. Ever.
5) The ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ reruns I’m watching right now are from the very first season. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed in how quickly Kelly, Donna et al accepted Brenda into their little group. Aren’t they part of the super-duper-snooty “it” group at the snobbiest school on earth? Yet Brenda’s barely out of her brother’s ’88 Chevette with Minneapolis plates before they’re BFF. Little disappointing. I mean, Brenda’s hot, but they’re ALL hot. Same with Steve – THE BMOC, supposedly the coolest guy in school, and he spends the whole first episode with the new hick in town (Brandon) and the local Vanilla Ice-wannabe-but-is-probably-too-gay-even-for-that guy (David.) Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I expect too much from my outrageously rich, snobby 16 year olds. Can a brother get some petty cattiness up in here for chrissake? Christ. I spend a lot of time hanging round outside the 7th grade at St. Agnes down the street, and those bitches wouldn’t cross the street to piss on me. No matter how much I offer them. They’re too busy being rich and aloof; now THOSE are cool “it” girls. Take a lesson, Kelly. This one’s dedicated to my girlfriend, Tori Spelling. Best. Horseface. Ever.
6) I wish all the Asians would fucking die.
7) Everytime I brace myself and think that women have woken up and decided to take over the planet, they shoot themselves in the titties. Over the last few years I’ve been reading/hearing about more and more women deciding that they’re gonna “stick it to men” and show us that they can be like men when it came to sex. I guess a big reason for this was of course “Sex and the City.” Cracks me up. Women have had enough, gonna free themselves, gonna stick it to men by having sex!!!! Lots of it!! Round the clock!!!...of course, to be having all this sex, it's gotta be with someone...so...who are they having all this sex with...all together now...men. Hmm. What’s next, cows making themselves hamburgers? That’ll learn us! Men are supposedly idiots, but we’ve quietly steered women towards being promiscuous, dressing like sluts and sleeping around without the hassle of a relationship. Well. You showed us, sister! Best. Secret. Ever. Though. Now. Every. Woman. Is. Going. To. Hate. Me. Though. Not. As. Much. As. Guys. Since. Now. The. Best. Secret. Ever. Is. Out.
8) Who are obituaries for? Who reads these – do you think you’re gonna stumble upon the name of someone you know? “….shit – that’s my wife!! I know she was cold in bed, but…” If it’s someone you remotely care about, odds are you already know they died. You know they were “beloved” and “cherished.” Why can’t people have fun with obituaries? Instead of the standad beloved and cherished bullshit, have some fun. “Reggie Durham died Wednesday…survived by wife and 2 kids…who have really turned out to be losers…devout member of First Baptist Church…owes me $114….strong figure in community…never learned to read or write…loyal husband of 33 years…Best. Flapjacks. Ever.” see? Wouldn’t that be great? Hey, they’re dead , they won’t care.
Friday, December 01, 2006
THINGS ARE GOOD (Vol….whatever number we were up to)
1) Who’s the fucking wizard at ABC who, at the Christmas movie scheduling meeting, came up with kicking things off by showing "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on November 28? What the fuck? THE number one Christmas show to watch, Xmas nostalgia rivaled only by "It’s a Wonderful Life", and you know what…why don’t we get this thing outta the way before December even hits so we can make room for new classics like "Christmas at the Mall 3" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (The Quickening)"? Who signed off on this – I looked and saw that tv has over 75 Xmas movies to fucking show in the next month; how the FUCK could the Charlie Brown one not be the goddam climax to all this?!?!?!?! Why is this not shown on Xmas Eve? Should be the "Christmas Story" marathon up til 7:30, then Charlie Brown followed by "It’s a Wonderful Life", bam! Christmas!!! Who even watches these other steaming piles they throw out every year? I’m baffled. November 28??!!?! Are you kidding me? I can live with them kicking off the Xmas season early, but why not save the best for last instead of vice versa? This is like fucking Jessica Alba before you’re even horny or hard so that you can hurry up and get to jerking off to the Sears catalog.
2) And whoever’s behind the newer Peanuts shows that follow the holiday specials, knock it off. I turned on to watch "The Great Pumpkin", not "Charlie Brown Gets Elected." NOBODY loves Peanuts more the Xmastime, but lets face it, the reason we love Peanuts is its nostalgia. Play the old hits and get off the air, please. At a Modern English concert do I stick around after "I Melt with You" to hear their new "hits"? No. HELL no…..I’d be in the can with all the other Europeans, spraying whipped cream on the walls and smoking cloves.
3) Yes, I was tempted to come up with a million titles, like "No, She’s Really Dead, Charlie Brown!" or "Who Called Franklin a N---er?"….but that’s prolly been done a million times, so lets move on.
4) And yes, that’s my segue back to this whole Michael Richards fiasco. I said it before, Im sick of everybody’s fake outrage over this. Yes, it was a mean, bad thing he said. Duh. But if we’re gonna pretend to outraged, why can’t we be pissed at REAL racism, racism that lies in the government, in corporations, communities – there is real racism everywhere, so lets not blow our wad on some words spouted by a guy whose sole claim to fame is funny entrances into his neighbors apartment. Camon. Tho I must say, this thing has made for some funny shit on tv, most of all my girl Elizabeth "Will Somebody Please Fuck the Dumb Out of Me?" Hasselbeck on "The View", who was saying that everyone should boycott the latest "Seinfeld" dvds. First of all, yes Elizabeth, you ARE the least racist person in the world, congratulations!!! I’m sure black people will now join your fight to keep W in office a third term. Secondly, I couldn’t help but laugh at this one – yeah, I’m sure the three black Seinfeld fans in the country will take a stand. "Seinfeld" is my show, but I can’t say they really busted their hump to show any racial diversity. Which, ironically, may be more honest to real life anyways. But other than Jackie Childs, the only other black character I recall is when Kramer had a black girlfriend, and what happened?….tada, over-tanned himself before meeting her family. Blackface always cooks! Though now that I think of it, could the show’s recurrent nod to black people be George never tipping waitresses? HIYOOOOOOOOOOO!! I’m kidding people!!! I joke, relax!!!!
5) The thing that I can’t shake about that video of Michael Richards is the reaction of the black people he insulted. They kept saying "There’s no call for that!" over and over. What?? Who the fuck was he calling ni—er, this guy?
Seriously, I don’t wanna stereotype black people here, but I seriously doubt that any conversation I could have with a black person would go like this:
Camon. This whole thing does put a chink in the armor of my post 9-11 policy of never flying on a plane with no black people on board. White people, we’re stupid and gay enough to say "everybody just sit tight and do what the nice man with the boxcutter says." Black dudes would be like "I’m going out cause of a box cutter? A BOX cutter? Ooooh, HELL no!"
6) And speaking of black people. How come I’ve never met a black guy that’s scared of me, yet every one I’ve ever known or seen is terrified of dogs? What’s this all about?
7) But what the fuck IS up with Pig Pen? Here’s a kid walking around encased in a cloud of filth and dirt. Great. How fast would his fucking parents get thrown in jail by social services today? But, more importantly, what does this asshole have going on that’s so great that he’s friends with everybody even though he’s basically a moving sewer? Wouldn’t it be great if it turns out he’s like "Fuck it, I got a 14-inch dick, I ain’t bathing. Suck it, bitches!" Or maybe he’s the one with the blow? The perrenial ‘heads-up 7-up’ champion?
8) Yesterday I played a song on my myspace page for a friend of mine. At the end he turns to me and actually says "Why so angry, buddy?" what? Why so angry? I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, the last time I got laid the only person on steroids was Delta Burke and McNuggets are up to $5/box….why so angry?!??! I’m not angry enough!!! Fucking christ. If anyone else wants to spray a gun around a crowded room the line should start here, fuckface.
9) Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.
The other thing I picked up with this new bunch is every single fucking one of them, upon either meeting a roommate or talking to the camera, went out of their way to say "hey, one thing about me you should know is I like to have a good time." Really? Wow. Shouldn’t we assume that since you’re a living, breathing thing you’d prefer a "good time" to a "bad time"? Is there rally anybody out there saying "One thing you should know about me, I like to slam my nuts in a cash register while attending puppy funerals." Just like youth itself, this show is wasted on the young. I will not rest until MTV has a season where the cast is at least 35 years old.
10) Britney. Hanging out with Paris. Please stop. Like everyone else, I assumed that I’d stop reading about you hanging around with blond talentless airheads the second you dumped K-Fed. Enough.
11) One thing that bugs me about action movies is when someone is on foot and being chased by a car. They run in a straight line in front of the car; I believe in adrenaline too, but I’m not sure you can outrun a car that can go 120mph. Wouldn’t is make more sense to simply step aside as the car gets close? Wouldn’t the driver be like "…oh yeah, I gotcha, I gotcha, taste me fender you…oh shit…crap….okay okay, lemme turn around here…hold on, u turn…hoooooold on…." Doesn’t it drive you crazy? "Run Jimmy run!!" oh, no the car caught him!! Wow!!
Anyways. Putting my Xmas Wish List together. Will keep you posted. Though I’m sure the words "naked pictures" might make an appearance.
2) And whoever’s behind the newer Peanuts shows that follow the holiday specials, knock it off. I turned on to watch "The Great Pumpkin", not "Charlie Brown Gets Elected." NOBODY loves Peanuts more the Xmastime, but lets face it, the reason we love Peanuts is its nostalgia. Play the old hits and get off the air, please. At a Modern English concert do I stick around after "I Melt with You" to hear their new "hits"? No. HELL no…..I’d be in the can with all the other Europeans, spraying whipped cream on the walls and smoking cloves.
3) Yes, I was tempted to come up with a million titles, like "No, She’s Really Dead, Charlie Brown!" or "Who Called Franklin a N---er?"….but that’s prolly been done a million times, so lets move on.
4) And yes, that’s my segue back to this whole Michael Richards fiasco. I said it before, Im sick of everybody’s fake outrage over this. Yes, it was a mean, bad thing he said. Duh. But if we’re gonna pretend to outraged, why can’t we be pissed at REAL racism, racism that lies in the government, in corporations, communities – there is real racism everywhere, so lets not blow our wad on some words spouted by a guy whose sole claim to fame is funny entrances into his neighbors apartment. Camon. Tho I must say, this thing has made for some funny shit on tv, most of all my girl Elizabeth "Will Somebody Please Fuck the Dumb Out of Me?" Hasselbeck on "The View", who was saying that everyone should boycott the latest "Seinfeld" dvds. First of all, yes Elizabeth, you ARE the least racist person in the world, congratulations!!! I’m sure black people will now join your fight to keep W in office a third term. Secondly, I couldn’t help but laugh at this one – yeah, I’m sure the three black Seinfeld fans in the country will take a stand. "Seinfeld" is my show, but I can’t say they really busted their hump to show any racial diversity. Which, ironically, may be more honest to real life anyways. But other than Jackie Childs, the only other black character I recall is when Kramer had a black girlfriend, and what happened?….tada, over-tanned himself before meeting her family. Blackface always cooks! Though now that I think of it, could the show’s recurrent nod to black people be George never tipping waitresses? HIYOOOOOOOOOOO!! I’m kidding people!!! I joke, relax!!!!
5) The thing that I can’t shake about that video of Michael Richards is the reaction of the black people he insulted. They kept saying "There’s no call for that!" over and over. What?? Who the fuck was he calling ni—er, this guy?
Seriously, I don’t wanna stereotype black people here, but I seriously doubt that any conversation I could have with a black person would go like this:
Xmastime: You’re a n---er!
Guy: what??!! There’s no call for that!
Xmastime:n---er !!
Guy: There’s no call for that, golly!!
Xmastime: n---er n---er n---er!!
Guy: there’s no call for that! I’m hurt!! I’m
offended!! I…I…I’m going on the ‘Today Show’!!!!
Camon. This whole thing does put a chink in the armor of my post 9-11 policy of never flying on a plane with no black people on board. White people, we’re stupid and gay enough to say "everybody just sit tight and do what the nice man with the boxcutter says." Black dudes would be like "I’m going out cause of a box cutter? A BOX cutter? Ooooh, HELL no!"
6) And speaking of black people. How come I’ve never met a black guy that’s scared of me, yet every one I’ve ever known or seen is terrified of dogs? What’s this all about?
7) But what the fuck IS up with Pig Pen? Here’s a kid walking around encased in a cloud of filth and dirt. Great. How fast would his fucking parents get thrown in jail by social services today? But, more importantly, what does this asshole have going on that’s so great that he’s friends with everybody even though he’s basically a moving sewer? Wouldn’t it be great if it turns out he’s like "Fuck it, I got a 14-inch dick, I ain’t bathing. Suck it, bitches!" Or maybe he’s the one with the blow? The perrenial ‘heads-up 7-up’ champion?
8) Yesterday I played a song on my myspace page for a friend of mine. At the end he turns to me and actually says "Why so angry, buddy?" what? Why so angry? I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, the last time I got laid the only person on steroids was Delta Burke and McNuggets are up to $5/box….why so angry?!??! I’m not angry enough!!! Fucking christ. If anyone else wants to spray a gun around a crowded room the line should start here, fuckface.
9) Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.
The other thing I picked up with this new bunch is every single fucking one of them, upon either meeting a roommate or talking to the camera, went out of their way to say "hey, one thing about me you should know is I like to have a good time." Really? Wow. Shouldn’t we assume that since you’re a living, breathing thing you’d prefer a "good time" to a "bad time"? Is there rally anybody out there saying "One thing you should know about me, I like to slam my nuts in a cash register while attending puppy funerals." Just like youth itself, this show is wasted on the young. I will not rest until MTV has a season where the cast is at least 35 years old.
10) Britney. Hanging out with Paris. Please stop. Like everyone else, I assumed that I’d stop reading about you hanging around with blond talentless airheads the second you dumped K-Fed. Enough.
11) One thing that bugs me about action movies is when someone is on foot and being chased by a car. They run in a straight line in front of the car; I believe in adrenaline too, but I’m not sure you can outrun a car that can go 120mph. Wouldn’t is make more sense to simply step aside as the car gets close? Wouldn’t the driver be like "…oh yeah, I gotcha, I gotcha, taste me fender you…oh shit…crap….okay okay, lemme turn around here…hold on, u turn…hoooooold on…." Doesn’t it drive you crazy? "Run Jimmy run!!" oh, no the car caught him!! Wow!!
Anyways. Putting my Xmas Wish List together. Will keep you posted. Though I’m sure the words "naked pictures" might make an appearance.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thanks for OJ!
Before I get into my post, which is about Thanksgiving, I just wanted to drop in my 2 cents about OJ’s book and interview nonsense. This indeed was one of the creepiest things to come down the pike in a while…”no, I didn’t do it, but if I had, here’s what I would have done…” Obviously like everyone else I’m happy they decided to drop this whole thing, and ashamed to be part of the human race that it was even possible in the first place. So that’s that, OJ please shut up and go away.
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was a bigger deal in my house than any other holiday, even Christmas. I don’t really know why, but my brother and I took to this one with extreme force. Maybe cause by the time we were 10 or so Christmas kinda blew toys-wise cause it was all about our little sister and brother. Maybe cause Thanksgiving dinner was like a Major League version of the Sunday dinners we always loved, I don’t know. But it became, over the years, the one….hold on. I just got word of something weird….
Oh, goody.
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was a bigger deal in my house than any other holiday, even Christmas. I don’t really know why, but my brother and I took to this one with extreme force. Maybe cause by the time we were 10 or so Christmas kinda blew toys-wise cause it was all about our little sister and brother. Maybe cause Thanksgiving dinner was like a Major League version of the Sunday dinners we always loved, I don’t know. But it became, over the years, the one….hold on. I just got word of something weird….
Oh, goody.
(Associated Press) “OJ Simpson has professed an interest in explaining how he might have kidnapped and killed Jon Benet Ramsey. ‘Hey, I’m not saying I DID it, but if I was gonna? Why not – did you see her prancing around in those little outfits, smooth satin bathing suits pressing against her young, tender butt? I would slip in as a judge, invite her backstage for some ice cream, then take her to my basement….as for killing her, let’s say, well let’s say she was showing no respect for The Juice, was not interested in my Heisman Trophy or that I can do 500 pushups; let’s say for a moment that she didn’t appreciate the Juice taking her over his knee, you know what I mean? I’m The Juice, dammit!!! If that little white bitch isn’t gonna do what the Juice tells her to do, maybe I get angry, maybe I get REAL angry, maybe after me and AC are done I get pissed at her nonstop crying and decide to, you know, snap her neck and bury her in the yard, know what I mean?....hey, of course I didn’t do it, but IF I did, that’s how I would….stupid little bitch….’ Fox News has reported that they will not show the interview on television due to public uproar.ANYways. Hell, one year as kids I got sick with the flu about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, had it real bad. With incredible vision for an 11-year old, my brother decided that I had to make him sick as quickly as possible so that he would have recovered by Thanksgiving, and therein would be able to stuff his face with turket et al. We did the ol’ breathe in my face trick, and it worked …. Oh oh, just got another email…what the fuck?
(Associated Press) “OJ Simpson, in a letter to Fox boss Rupert Murdoch, has outlined how he would have killed Martin Luther King: ‘…of course I DID NOT do it. But let’s say, let’s say you happen to be a very popular black man in America at the time, maybe, oh, I don’t know, maybe you were about to win the Heisman Trophy….if I was in that position, I might be getting tired of being overshadowed by another black man, know what I mean? How the fuck can this dude think he’s the HNIC – I’m The Juice, dammit!! So I might make friends with some old, white redneck dude, maybe cause white folks love The Juice you know, place him near MLK at that hotel, then from across the street BLAM!!!!!...looks like The Juice is back to being an important black man, know what I’m saying??!?!...anyways, that’s what I’d do…IF I did it…” Mr. Murdoch has not commented on the letter.Jesus. Sorry, but I had to pass that one along. Anyways so yeah, for some reason my brother loved the Macy’s Parade too, so that was a big deal. The one thing that sucked about the day was our Dad would pull out our “classy” silverware, the fancy stuff hidden away and we’d have to polish it all morning. And, just like whenever we’d paint a room, no matter how great we did the first coat, we’d always have to do two. I remember how we…oh, man. I’m so sorry, but this just popped up –
LONDON DAILY MAIL: ...American football star OJ Simpson has called the London Mail editors with a story claiming that, although of course he did NOT do it, he would like to say how he WOULD HAVE killed Princess Diana: “...Hey, of course I didn’t do it, I mean, who in their right mind would kill a real princess? Even if she had been snotty to me when I hit on her at the premiere of “The Naked Gun”...and for what, to sleep with that big-eared cake-boy? Prince who? I’m the Juice, dammit!!!! I played REAL football bitch!! Yeah, I could’ve made things real difficult for her, could’ve loaded me and AC into my Bronco and just flat out drove her off the road, you know? Hell, get into a group of those paparazzi nazi freaks, they’ll never know! Course, I’d feel bad for those boys, but fuck ‘em, they’re rich and white, just like me....”What the fuck...chirst. I had a nice, sappy Thanksgiving story to tell, but now I’m a little freaked out...what kind of world do we live in? Dispicable. Hold on, someone’s knocking at my door...hey, it’s OJ! Juice, what’s up buddy! How’re you? Me? Yeah, I was writing something bout you, just riffing buddy, you know, having a laugh...what’s that in your hand buddy? Hold on, what are youasbcusgbasdc jdjdsj cbuiweuweb buiwbuipwbuipeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuwhi[wweiowecfioehwiofweuicfoeiwoufuiofbuiocebwcf923489234893y34y9342378 789789(^ujhjg&*(uihjjobjbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbu{oJWEUhehbNNNNNNNNNNBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Oh, KKKramer
Yes, like everyone else I was shocked at Kramer’s outburst the other night (though to be honest the Letterman apology creeped me out even more. Weird guy.) Yes, I wish the n-word didn’t exist and we all lived in a color-free world of non-hatred.
But, as do so many incidents like this in the public eye, to me this incident reveals more about us as the spectators/judges than it does about Michael Richards. I’m tired of how every coupla months someone says something stupid and we all have to react with such violent chagrin and faux disgrace about someone from our own race – be it the Duke lacrosse players, Mel Gibson or now Michael Richards. White people LOVE to race to the tv if they’re famous or their non-white friends if they’re not and try to break the world record for utter mortification. We looooooooove to go to our black friends and seethe with rage and disgust about such narrow-mindedness; dammit! we say; we don’t even SEE color in others!!! After all, you’re my black friend!!!
All that’s fine and maybe some people even mean it, but a very telling moment to me is every time in the last few days I’ve seen someone on tv hang their head in disgrace, shake it slowly and lament that Kramer said such a thing in public. In public. Get it? I’ve noticed nobody cares about what he actually said, nobody cares whether or not he really is a racist, but they can’t believe he said it out loud in public. Nice. If only he had kept his racist comments/jokes to himself like the rest of us, dammit!
So give me a break, white people - let’s not pour on the faux chagrin too thick, let’s not sprint so quickly to show off how amazingly “tolerant” we are. You’re not going to get a fucking award for “Understanding Black People.” Everybody has a heart of gold and everyone’s an asshole; one man’s idiotic moment is not your "one shining moment."
And black people, I’m talking to you now. I’m tired of your pretending to be outraged whenever a white person says ‘n---er’ anymore. Yes, I know how offensive the term is supposed to be. And if you told me you never ever wanted to hear the word again, I’d have no problem respecting that. But good lord, can we get through 8 seconds of a hip hop song without hearing it 3 times? Can I walk ½ a block without some 12-year olds saying it 14 times without even realizing they’ve said it once? But oh, then you hear it from someone else and get enraged. Enough. I don't hear women walking around calling themselves cunts, or Jews calling each other kikes. You’re as hypocritical as the white people I spoke about above - how bout a little of the ol' practice what you preach? And one last thing – I’ve heard for most of my life that black people keep using the word so that eventually it will lose its negative connotations, that its sheer repetition would render it neutered. Really? When is this gonna finally happen? I can’t go 10 seconds without hearing it either on tv or in the street; what is the magic number until it finally means “nothing”?
That word is yours to "own"; perhaps you can lead by example and tuck it away if you wish, never to be seen or heard again. Naive on my part? yes. But so are things like "racial harmony" and "color blindness" and "Xmastime solves racism in one post." Baby steps!
I know I sound like "Old White Guy", but enough. Hell, if we don't put aside our outrage over this, how are we gonna have any left over for the next time the powers that be let black people die because they're not white and rich?
But, as do so many incidents like this in the public eye, to me this incident reveals more about us as the spectators/judges than it does about Michael Richards. I’m tired of how every coupla months someone says something stupid and we all have to react with such violent chagrin and faux disgrace about someone from our own race – be it the Duke lacrosse players, Mel Gibson or now Michael Richards. White people LOVE to race to the tv if they’re famous or their non-white friends if they’re not and try to break the world record for utter mortification. We looooooooove to go to our black friends and seethe with rage and disgust about such narrow-mindedness; dammit! we say; we don’t even SEE color in others!!! After all, you’re my black friend!!!
All that’s fine and maybe some people even mean it, but a very telling moment to me is every time in the last few days I’ve seen someone on tv hang their head in disgrace, shake it slowly and lament that Kramer said such a thing in public. In public. Get it? I’ve noticed nobody cares about what he actually said, nobody cares whether or not he really is a racist, but they can’t believe he said it out loud in public. Nice. If only he had kept his racist comments/jokes to himself like the rest of us, dammit!
So give me a break, white people - let’s not pour on the faux chagrin too thick, let’s not sprint so quickly to show off how amazingly “tolerant” we are. You’re not going to get a fucking award for “Understanding Black People.” Everybody has a heart of gold and everyone’s an asshole; one man’s idiotic moment is not your "one shining moment."
And black people, I’m talking to you now. I’m tired of your pretending to be outraged whenever a white person says ‘n---er’ anymore. Yes, I know how offensive the term is supposed to be. And if you told me you never ever wanted to hear the word again, I’d have no problem respecting that. But good lord, can we get through 8 seconds of a hip hop song without hearing it 3 times? Can I walk ½ a block without some 12-year olds saying it 14 times without even realizing they’ve said it once? But oh, then you hear it from someone else and get enraged. Enough. I don't hear women walking around calling themselves cunts, or Jews calling each other kikes. You’re as hypocritical as the white people I spoke about above - how bout a little of the ol' practice what you preach? And one last thing – I’ve heard for most of my life that black people keep using the word so that eventually it will lose its negative connotations, that its sheer repetition would render it neutered. Really? When is this gonna finally happen? I can’t go 10 seconds without hearing it either on tv or in the street; what is the magic number until it finally means “nothing”?
That word is yours to "own"; perhaps you can lead by example and tuck it away if you wish, never to be seen or heard again. Naive on my part? yes. But so are things like "racial harmony" and "color blindness" and "Xmastime solves racism in one post." Baby steps!
I know I sound like "Old White Guy", but enough. Hell, if we don't put aside our outrage over this, how are we gonna have any left over for the next time the powers that be let black people die because they're not white and rich?
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Paddy Mac Attack!!!!
Got to spend last weekend with my nephew Paddy Mac!! You might remember him from this post ages ago. I'll see him in a few weeks for Christmas, so until then I'll hafta settle for some pictures from the visit....
Here’s our guy!!!
Here he is showing off, doing some squats....
..AAAAAND he drops it. What an asshole.
The Littlest Mad Cow!
On the floor, Paddy Mac whispers into Chester’s ear “...and STAY the hell down, or I will cut you...bitch”
God bless him, even at 14 months Paddy Mac knows that cows belong in the oven. “Load me up! Moooooooooooooo!” (excuse me, I’m welling up with tears of pride....)
Our hero bravely fights off another would-be rescuer. "Get off me!!!... and get the A-1 Sauce"
“...mmmm, steak...I’m whats for dinner!”
“They’re renaming Shea Stadium WHAT??!?!?!”
Paddy Mac’s diaper. No words.
Good times! Stay tuned, as there are rumors floating around about a certain somebody and his nephew wearing matching Santa suits....
Here’s our guy!!!
Here he is showing off, doing some squats....
..AAAAAND he drops it. What an asshole.
The Littlest Mad Cow!
On the floor, Paddy Mac whispers into Chester’s ear “...and STAY the hell down, or I will cut you...bitch”
God bless him, even at 14 months Paddy Mac knows that cows belong in the oven. “Load me up! Moooooooooooooo!” (excuse me, I’m welling up with tears of pride....)
Our hero bravely fights off another would-be rescuer. "Get off me!!!... and get the A-1 Sauce"
“...mmmm, steak...I’m whats for dinner!”
“They’re renaming Shea Stadium WHAT??!?!?!”
Paddy Mac’s diaper. No words.
Good times! Stay tuned, as there are rumors floating around about a certain somebody and his nephew wearing matching Santa suits....
Xmastime for President (You Could Do Worse)
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Rummy Finally Fucking Quits
Poor fella, he must be aghast at the prospect of actually having to account for his reckless actions and incredibly thoughtless "war-planning." Insulted, even. Is the idea of this totally foreign to him? Does this guy not have a wife?
and believe me, no one is dumber than me, I'm no political genius, but wouldn't it have made sense to jettison Rum-nuts BEFORE the elections? Hmm. Just another example of just how how flat-out unbelievably stupid this administration can be. I expected them to be liars and crooks; their sheer stupidity throughout the years has surprised me. Blame it on hubris, I reckon.
...wait a second...Rummy quits the day after it looks like K-Fed will be looking for new work....am I dreaming, or will our next Secretary of Defense be the guy who wrote 'PopoZao'?
and believe me, no one is dumber than me, I'm no political genius, but wouldn't it have made sense to jettison Rum-nuts BEFORE the elections? Hmm. Just another example of just how how flat-out unbelievably stupid this administration can be. I expected them to be liars and crooks; their sheer stupidity throughout the years has surprised me. Blame it on hubris, I reckon.
...wait a second...Rummy quits the day after it looks like K-Fed will be looking for new work....am I dreaming, or will our next Secretary of Defense be the guy who wrote 'PopoZao'?
Election (can a brother get back to talkin bout titties, please?)
Well, it looks like we won, which is good. Though I am curious as to how close every race was; each one seemed to be seperated by a few thousand votes. So while I'm thrilled we did win, I'm FASCINATED by the millions of people who stepped up after years and years of this shit and said "you know what, I'd like MORE hypocritical wars, MORE unbelievably reckless spending so that my children live in cardboard boxes, MORE homophobia and let's face it...the super-rich aren't gonna get even richer without my help!"
Baffled. But hey, a win is a win. And anyone who wants to watch Xmastime have a stroke, be with me the first time news comes out that Bush "extends an offer of bipartisianship!" REALLY???!! Wow, what a guy! we should work together!! yyyeaaayyyy, 8 more years!!
Fuck you, you had no problem steamrolling everyone else while you had unfettered power all these years, so don't bother "reaching out" now. Just go back to being a drunk and sit in the attic of the White House till you leave office and let people who actually have brains take care of things. And no, by that I don't mean Jesus.
One thing that has to change are these ridiculous televsion ads. Not just in their absurdity, but that they exist at all. And again, I'm talking to the PEOPLE here, not the politicos who pull the trigger on these - they just use what works on us, cause we're fucking idiots. I'm asking the people to not fall prey to such stupidity. Seriously, if there is a major election that could change the way your country is run and your voting choice is based upon some 30-second ad on television that is obviously trash, then maybe you shouldn't be voting. If you haven't bothered to check into which candidate is best for you via reading and/or the news etc, then don't fucking vote. Yes, it's your "right" but if you vote simply because you gagged on your cheese puffs during 'Desperate Housewives" when an ad came on that said "Candidate X owns a clown suit!!!" then you're a jackass and get what you deserve. So please, for the love of christ stop watching these ads. They'll keep running them as long as they work, but please turn on your fucking brains here.
Also, even though it's not over yet, I'm glad to see George Allen might be jobless soon. Another rich white dude with a famous daddy who has the brains of a bowl of ice cream and is in office simply because he's in that good ol boy network. "I'm rich, I wear duck boots and I'm a fratboy lifer." He's a fucking idiot and I know he's BAFFLED at the fact that he even had to run; shouldn't the job automatically be his for being Superman Rich White Guy? Fuck you too, macracker.
So now it's in our hands, and we have to clean up this mess ourselves, let's not fucking blow it. And my next drinking game is drink every time a "frustrated" Dubya pops up on tv crying about his hands being tied thanks to Congress. OOOoh, he had AMAZING plans for the next two years, Im sure!! If only the evil Dems would let his ideas get through!!!! Golly, it was gonna be ice cream and parades from here on out!!! Fuck. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.
XMASTIME
ps - K-Fed, my sister is single! Call me!
Baffled. But hey, a win is a win. And anyone who wants to watch Xmastime have a stroke, be with me the first time news comes out that Bush "extends an offer of bipartisianship!" REALLY???!! Wow, what a guy! we should work together!! yyyeaaayyyy, 8 more years!!
Fuck you, you had no problem steamrolling everyone else while you had unfettered power all these years, so don't bother "reaching out" now. Just go back to being a drunk and sit in the attic of the White House till you leave office and let people who actually have brains take care of things. And no, by that I don't mean Jesus.
One thing that has to change are these ridiculous televsion ads. Not just in their absurdity, but that they exist at all. And again, I'm talking to the PEOPLE here, not the politicos who pull the trigger on these - they just use what works on us, cause we're fucking idiots. I'm asking the people to not fall prey to such stupidity. Seriously, if there is a major election that could change the way your country is run and your voting choice is based upon some 30-second ad on television that is obviously trash, then maybe you shouldn't be voting. If you haven't bothered to check into which candidate is best for you via reading and/or the news etc, then don't fucking vote. Yes, it's your "right" but if you vote simply because you gagged on your cheese puffs during 'Desperate Housewives" when an ad came on that said "Candidate X owns a clown suit!!!" then you're a jackass and get what you deserve. So please, for the love of christ stop watching these ads. They'll keep running them as long as they work, but please turn on your fucking brains here.
Also, even though it's not over yet, I'm glad to see George Allen might be jobless soon. Another rich white dude with a famous daddy who has the brains of a bowl of ice cream and is in office simply because he's in that good ol boy network. "I'm rich, I wear duck boots and I'm a fratboy lifer." He's a fucking idiot and I know he's BAFFLED at the fact that he even had to run; shouldn't the job automatically be his for being Superman Rich White Guy? Fuck you too, macracker.
So now it's in our hands, and we have to clean up this mess ourselves, let's not fucking blow it. And my next drinking game is drink every time a "frustrated" Dubya pops up on tv crying about his hands being tied thanks to Congress. OOOoh, he had AMAZING plans for the next two years, Im sure!! If only the evil Dems would let his ideas get through!!!! Golly, it was gonna be ice cream and parades from here on out!!! Fuck. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.
XMASTIME
ps - K-Fed, my sister is single! Call me!
Coincidence? oh, HELL no!
November 4, 2006
Xmastime: "Britney is still Mrs. Xmastime #1. I will give her a 6-mointh probation period to lose all her baby weight, but I will hold her spot till then. She will NOT be known as the Wally Pipp of Mrs. Xmastimes.
November 5, 2006
Britney shows up on Letterman, apparently having lost all the weight and looking incredible.
November 7, 2006
K-Fed? Cheererio!
a LOT of Mrs. Xmastimes must be quaking in their pudding this morning. Hey girls, look...I would never say give up, but, I mean, camon....
Xmastime: "Britney is still Mrs. Xmastime #1. I will give her a 6-mointh probation period to lose all her baby weight, but I will hold her spot till then. She will NOT be known as the Wally Pipp of Mrs. Xmastimes.
November 5, 2006
Britney shows up on Letterman, apparently having lost all the weight and looking incredible.
November 7, 2006
K-Fed? Cheererio!
a LOT of Mrs. Xmastimes must be quaking in their pudding this morning. Hey girls, look...I would never say give up, but, I mean, camon....
Monday, November 06, 2006
Don't Be a Fucking Idiot
Thank god the election is tomorrow; then I can go back to listing Mrs. Wilsons and food. Well, if I don’t have a fucking stroke by then.
In my mind, this election is more about the voters than it is the candidates. If we vote the same fuckwits back into power that have done everything they possibly can (well, so far anyways, we’ll see what the idiots come up with today) to completely destroy what once was the greatest country in the world, then we really have to step back and wonder what the hell is wrong with us. Seriously, somebody has to explain to me why he or she would vote, in the year 2006 Anno Dominos Pizza, to keep these people in power. Unless you’re a rich white male, how on earth can you pull the trigger for those guys? Name one issue that even used to be a Republican rallying cry. Fiscal responsibility? Please. I’ve been more responsible with money after waking up under the pool table at the Nest soaking in my own urine. Well. SOMEbody’s urine anyways. Now, if you’re super-rich and are one of the wealthiest people in the country, then it would make sense since you’d be the one getting all the tax cuts. Lucky you! Odds are however that you’re one of the other 297 million people in the country, so unless you own an NFL franchise or have a lawsuit cookin against McDonalds, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican.
Defense? (had to stop typing, tears from laughter were shorting my keyboard.) It’s been the notion forever that Republicans are strong on Defense, we’ve always taken it for granted. But boy, it’s hard to even come up with a scenario wherein they could’ve botched this whole thing this badly, right? Maybe if they had accidentally sent in puppies instead of troops? Flapjacks instead of body armor? Man. I’m surprised we didn’t invade Chinatown by accident. “Herro, twoops! Is that a framefrowa? Aaaaaiiiggghhhh!!!!” We are less safe that we were on 9-10-01 and that is all on Fuckwit and his boys Cheney and Rummy et al. Unless your name is Osama Bin Laden, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. And if your name is Osama Bin Laden and you’re reading this blog, might I suggest for your next video throwing my name out? I could use some heat with the ladies, I would think a shout-out from the world’s most wanted man would really up my “bad boy” status. Just something to think about.
Even though like I have said before that if they really wanted to stamp out abortion they probably already would have, and I hate even bringing it up because it’s such a smokescreen non-issue used to rile up people for nothing, the fact that they’re on that side of the issue as well as South Dakota is voting to ban abortion altogether would make me believe that if you were a woman, you would not want to even take the chance that the right to choose would be taken from you. I am not a woman, but one spoke to me once and I feel it’s safe to say that if you’re a woman, then you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. I realize this might cost me some future Xmastime groupies, but let’s face it - unless you’ve learned how to survive on radiator paint and boxer-sweat, you probably wouldn’t wanna be “with me.”
If you don’t want scientific research done on globs of goo in labs so that cures can be found for diseases that one day could kill you or your loved ones, then by all means vote Republican. Because then you’re such a fucking idiot that you deserve to die by the very disease that you would not allow to be cured. Funny, these Christians et al are appalled by the thought of curing Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s etc but they sure don’t mind impotence being worked on, do they? Hey, maybe it’s God’s will that you have a limp dick, buddy! Let it lie! “What would Jesus do?” you ask? Well, first of all I guess he’d try a cock ring; after that he would NOT vote Republican cause HE’S NOT AN IDIOT!!
And so on, and so on...I had a list of issues to spray on about, but jesus fucking christ. Enough is enough. There is NOTHING, NO ISSUE that you can use to convince that your vote to keep these people in power is the right choice. Unless you are a rich white man, then you’re a fucking idiot to let them back in power on Tuesday.
XMASTIME
ps...just to show I'm still an old softee, here's a lil treat:
"hahaha!! he bought the meth, then threw it away before one of his 'massages'!!!! Rusty, you're KILLING me!!!!!!!"
In my mind, this election is more about the voters than it is the candidates. If we vote the same fuckwits back into power that have done everything they possibly can (well, so far anyways, we’ll see what the idiots come up with today) to completely destroy what once was the greatest country in the world, then we really have to step back and wonder what the hell is wrong with us. Seriously, somebody has to explain to me why he or she would vote, in the year 2006 Anno Dominos Pizza, to keep these people in power. Unless you’re a rich white male, how on earth can you pull the trigger for those guys? Name one issue that even used to be a Republican rallying cry. Fiscal responsibility? Please. I’ve been more responsible with money after waking up under the pool table at the Nest soaking in my own urine. Well. SOMEbody’s urine anyways. Now, if you’re super-rich and are one of the wealthiest people in the country, then it would make sense since you’d be the one getting all the tax cuts. Lucky you! Odds are however that you’re one of the other 297 million people in the country, so unless you own an NFL franchise or have a lawsuit cookin against McDonalds, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican.
Defense? (had to stop typing, tears from laughter were shorting my keyboard.) It’s been the notion forever that Republicans are strong on Defense, we’ve always taken it for granted. But boy, it’s hard to even come up with a scenario wherein they could’ve botched this whole thing this badly, right? Maybe if they had accidentally sent in puppies instead of troops? Flapjacks instead of body armor? Man. I’m surprised we didn’t invade Chinatown by accident. “Herro, twoops! Is that a framefrowa? Aaaaaiiiggghhhh!!!!” We are less safe that we were on 9-10-01 and that is all on Fuckwit and his boys Cheney and Rummy et al. Unless your name is Osama Bin Laden, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. And if your name is Osama Bin Laden and you’re reading this blog, might I suggest for your next video throwing my name out? I could use some heat with the ladies, I would think a shout-out from the world’s most wanted man would really up my “bad boy” status. Just something to think about.
Even though like I have said before that if they really wanted to stamp out abortion they probably already would have, and I hate even bringing it up because it’s such a smokescreen non-issue used to rile up people for nothing, the fact that they’re on that side of the issue as well as South Dakota is voting to ban abortion altogether would make me believe that if you were a woman, you would not want to even take the chance that the right to choose would be taken from you. I am not a woman, but one spoke to me once and I feel it’s safe to say that if you’re a woman, then you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. I realize this might cost me some future Xmastime groupies, but let’s face it - unless you’ve learned how to survive on radiator paint and boxer-sweat, you probably wouldn’t wanna be “with me.”
If you don’t want scientific research done on globs of goo in labs so that cures can be found for diseases that one day could kill you or your loved ones, then by all means vote Republican. Because then you’re such a fucking idiot that you deserve to die by the very disease that you would not allow to be cured. Funny, these Christians et al are appalled by the thought of curing Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s etc but they sure don’t mind impotence being worked on, do they? Hey, maybe it’s God’s will that you have a limp dick, buddy! Let it lie! “What would Jesus do?” you ask? Well, first of all I guess he’d try a cock ring; after that he would NOT vote Republican cause HE’S NOT AN IDIOT!!
And so on, and so on...I had a list of issues to spray on about, but jesus fucking christ. Enough is enough. There is NOTHING, NO ISSUE that you can use to convince that your vote to keep these people in power is the right choice. Unless you are a rich white man, then you’re a fucking idiot to let them back in power on Tuesday.
XMASTIME
ps...just to show I'm still an old softee, here's a lil treat:
"hahaha!! he bought the meth, then threw it away before one of his 'massages'!!!! Rusty, you're KILLING me!!!!!!!"
Cheaper by the Dozen
The author of "Cheaper by the Dozen", easily one of my top 3 or 4 books of all time, died on Saturday. Do NOT confuse the book with that godawful, embarrassing movie that took its name but none of its warmth, poignancy or humor. Do yourself a favor and read this, I can promise you will laugh out loud and choke back a few tears all at once. Slice of slices.
Friday, November 03, 2006
A Post Named Sue
November 3, 2006
Xmastime
100 Kino Plaza
Tappahannock, VA 22560
The Law Offices of Coen, Sheffield & Shemp, Esq.
221 Park Ave Suite 422
New York, NY 10012
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to inquire about a lawsuit I may pursue as per your counsel. I see the “President” George W. Bush is now saying that Democrats WANT the terrorists to win. We (Democrats) are hoping that the terrorists blow up a few American cities, maybe take over the whole country, and we are here to help them by, of all terrible things, disagreeing with the current administration and having the gall to wish to vote in a different set of leaders. While my first reaction to his comments was a laugh at the absurdity of such a thought, upon further rumination and some transitive reasoning I realized that this man, the “President” was calling ME a terrorist. As a proud American who loves baseball, apple pie and cheese out of a can I take GREAT offense to this and know that my only option at this point is to sue for slander. How can I be labeled as a terrorist by the man who holds the most powerful position in the world and expect to get a job? “Sorry mister, but you’re a terrorist. We’ll keep your resume on file...Al Queda fuck.” I’m overweight, dress like a 12 year old, don’t have a job and now I’m supposed to find a girlfriend with this “terrorist” label looming over me? How can I teach my godsons and nephew how to throw a baseball when the whole time I know they’ll be thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this, he’s a terrorist, I shouldn't be doing this...” I believe you see my point.
As this is my first lawsuit, I don’t know how or what to ask for damages, so I thought I’d throw a few things out there and you tell me what you think is fair compensation for this terrible crime upon me.
1) Perhaps if I win, I could get the car that Laura was driving when she killed her high school boyfriend? I figure it’s gotta be worth TONS on ebay – not only since it’s the actual car, but we might be able to assume that was the moment she turned into a robot with a fetish for retards, so there’s some historical significance there.
2) Or maybe as penance Dubya would have to finally attend the funeral of one of the troops he sent over to Iraq. And I don’t mean he flies in, pretends to look sad during the service and then says some trite words about the soldier being a hero before jetting off to Arby’s; he has to stay with the family throughout the 2 or 3 days from the wake to the funeral to the day after. He has to live with them, he has to hear them talk and cry, he has to make potato salad. I will give extra credit if he makes it through the whole thing without saying “Are we in Africa?”
3) I would also settle for that flight suit he wore during the “Mission Accomplished!” photo op and use it as he did. When my Celtics leap out to a 2-0 lead I’ll put it on and say “Mission Accomplished!”, not caring about the last 47 minutes or that we lose 124-78. Or maybe if I’m at the bar and as soon as I say hi to a woman, I zip up, “Mission Accomplished!” before she slaps me, throws a drink in my face and tells her friends my breath reeks. I do look good in green, must say.
4) Or maybe he can explain the irony that the most vociferous opponent to the theory of evolution, the single most powerful man who refuses to think that we descend from apes looks like this:
5) I’ll take $100. Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.
6) Maybe he can work it off; he can come by and clear all the brush in my yard. He seems to be good at it, he does it all the time. Maybe while he’s doing it he can “mull over important things” like stem cell research, or why Principal Belding never explained how Kelly and Jesse disappeared for a season and then came back all of a sudden. I can use the steam coming out of his ears to make popcorn.
7) Or maybe a night with Ann Coulter…Democrats may be godless Ann, but we also know that “G Spot” doesn’t mean “a thousand dollars.”
8) Maybe he can treat me to the buffet at Pizza Hut, I miss that thing. And while there, as I’m confused about this, he can explain what he means when he repeatedly says that the terrorists want the Democrats to be in charge. Why? Has watching this administration bungle the whole operation while their own numbers have grown begun to bore them – do the terrorists want a challenge? Do they feel like their outlandish success plus howling with laughter whenever Bush talks has become an embarrassment of riches? I’m confused. It’s like a game of hide and seek where you get tired of hiding; is Bin Laden gonna show up on the White House lawn “Jesus fucking Christ, I’m right here! Are you people even trying?” Would seem to me that the day Bush & Co. leave office will be a saaaaaad day in JihadLand. Like the day the substitute teacher leaves after an extended stay and you have to go back to knowing how to read.
9) But I will settle for the Pizza Hut buffet.
Anyway, as I said, I’m not familiar with how these things work, so I look forward to your counsel. Please call me and let me know how I shall proceed, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
XMASTIME
Xmastime
100 Kino Plaza
Tappahannock, VA 22560
The Law Offices of Coen, Sheffield & Shemp, Esq.
221 Park Ave Suite 422
New York, NY 10012
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to inquire about a lawsuit I may pursue as per your counsel. I see the “President” George W. Bush is now saying that Democrats WANT the terrorists to win. We (Democrats) are hoping that the terrorists blow up a few American cities, maybe take over the whole country, and we are here to help them by, of all terrible things, disagreeing with the current administration and having the gall to wish to vote in a different set of leaders. While my first reaction to his comments was a laugh at the absurdity of such a thought, upon further rumination and some transitive reasoning I realized that this man, the “President” was calling ME a terrorist. As a proud American who loves baseball, apple pie and cheese out of a can I take GREAT offense to this and know that my only option at this point is to sue for slander. How can I be labeled as a terrorist by the man who holds the most powerful position in the world and expect to get a job? “Sorry mister, but you’re a terrorist. We’ll keep your resume on file...Al Queda fuck.” I’m overweight, dress like a 12 year old, don’t have a job and now I’m supposed to find a girlfriend with this “terrorist” label looming over me? How can I teach my godsons and nephew how to throw a baseball when the whole time I know they’ll be thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this, he’s a terrorist, I shouldn't be doing this...” I believe you see my point.
As this is my first lawsuit, I don’t know how or what to ask for damages, so I thought I’d throw a few things out there and you tell me what you think is fair compensation for this terrible crime upon me.
1) Perhaps if I win, I could get the car that Laura was driving when she killed her high school boyfriend? I figure it’s gotta be worth TONS on ebay – not only since it’s the actual car, but we might be able to assume that was the moment she turned into a robot with a fetish for retards, so there’s some historical significance there.
2) Or maybe as penance Dubya would have to finally attend the funeral of one of the troops he sent over to Iraq. And I don’t mean he flies in, pretends to look sad during the service and then says some trite words about the soldier being a hero before jetting off to Arby’s; he has to stay with the family throughout the 2 or 3 days from the wake to the funeral to the day after. He has to live with them, he has to hear them talk and cry, he has to make potato salad. I will give extra credit if he makes it through the whole thing without saying “Are we in Africa?”
3) I would also settle for that flight suit he wore during the “Mission Accomplished!” photo op and use it as he did. When my Celtics leap out to a 2-0 lead I’ll put it on and say “Mission Accomplished!”, not caring about the last 47 minutes or that we lose 124-78. Or maybe if I’m at the bar and as soon as I say hi to a woman, I zip up, “Mission Accomplished!” before she slaps me, throws a drink in my face and tells her friends my breath reeks. I do look good in green, must say.
4) Or maybe he can explain the irony that the most vociferous opponent to the theory of evolution, the single most powerful man who refuses to think that we descend from apes looks like this:
5) I’ll take $100. Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.
6) Maybe he can work it off; he can come by and clear all the brush in my yard. He seems to be good at it, he does it all the time. Maybe while he’s doing it he can “mull over important things” like stem cell research, or why Principal Belding never explained how Kelly and Jesse disappeared for a season and then came back all of a sudden. I can use the steam coming out of his ears to make popcorn.
7) Or maybe a night with Ann Coulter…Democrats may be godless Ann, but we also know that “G Spot” doesn’t mean “a thousand dollars.”
8) Maybe he can treat me to the buffet at Pizza Hut, I miss that thing. And while there, as I’m confused about this, he can explain what he means when he repeatedly says that the terrorists want the Democrats to be in charge. Why? Has watching this administration bungle the whole operation while their own numbers have grown begun to bore them – do the terrorists want a challenge? Do they feel like their outlandish success plus howling with laughter whenever Bush talks has become an embarrassment of riches? I’m confused. It’s like a game of hide and seek where you get tired of hiding; is Bin Laden gonna show up on the White House lawn “Jesus fucking Christ, I’m right here! Are you people even trying?” Would seem to me that the day Bush & Co. leave office will be a saaaaaad day in JihadLand. Like the day the substitute teacher leaves after an extended stay and you have to go back to knowing how to read.
9) But I will settle for the Pizza Hut buffet.
Anyway, as I said, I’m not familiar with how these things work, so I look forward to your counsel. Please call me and let me know how I shall proceed, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
XMASTIME
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