Well. This Case Just Got a Lot Sexier.

Ah Yes, More High School Memories: "The Gays"

That's a Helluva Defense There. Must've been a Few Games into the Season; They've Stopped Bothering to Paint Lines on the Field.

Good One, Coach! Other Popular Slogans That Year Were "Is the Season Over Yet?" and "Oh My God, That Fucking Hurts" and "If It's Going to Be, It's Up to Somebody Else Because We Are a Terrible, Terrible Football Team"

Even When We Played 14 Guys On Defense, We Gave Up 42 Points/Game

This Is What 1-9 Looks Like. How'd We Win One? IT's a Miracle!

And 10 of those mfs had quit at the beginning of the season. Hell, I tried, but I even failed at that:

Harold Corbin. (ed. note - Harold's not in the picture) I grew up riding with Harold on the bus. All of a sudden, on the first day of school one year he walked onto the bus and he was 6’3”, 220 and ripped. I mean, they invented muscles to give this guy. Ridiculous. And then it turned out he was the fastest dude in school too – he spent several years running track and completely dominating the wrestling team. An awesome physical specimen, but it took til his senior year to be convinced to play football. He showed up about 8 games into the season. We’re 0-8, and things aren’t even going as well as our record might suggest. We were down to 16 players from 40, we got crushed every week and our coach was a lunatic. A few days into the week, and it was an unusually hot day, I mean it was roasting, and Coach decides to run a drill where you line up three yards from each other and basically beat the shit out of each other. Whistle blows, you run into each other and fight til the whistle blows again. Who does Coach pair me with? Harold. Jesus christ. If you were lucky you’d hit one of his pads; otherwise you were subjected to the muscles he had, which were made from a mix of mortar, broken glass and, if my nose was not lying to me, lilacs spritzed with a hint of raspberry drizzle. He’s fucking shredding me, whistle after whistle, sun baking down on me as Harold is rearranging my bones. And by “rearranging my bones” i DON’T mean “whispered Barbara Cartland novels into my ear while dreaming of rainbows and puppies” Over and over. Finally, I fucking snap, “fuck this!” and walk off the field. I fucking quit. Had enough. We lose every game AND I gotta get drilled into my grave by Harold every 30 seconds? Thanks! I throw my helmet and start walking to the locker room. My brother chases me down to let me know that as a baby pussy quitter I no longer qualify for a ride home. Fuck you! Of course, by night time I regretted walking out and the next morning, walked into Coach’s office looking to beg forgiveness. Walking through the door, I stumbled for words and Coach looked up at me. No one says a word for about 15 seconds til finally he breaks into a grin. “I understand,” he said “I wouldn’t wanna hafta tackle Harold’s big black ass either.” The upshot? In his first game of organized football ever, Harold gets the ball on the first play and tears off a run for a 75-yard touchdown, LITERALLY carrying 6-7 dudes with him on the way. We were in awe, I can still close my eyes and see that run. Dudes peeling off him as he strolls to the end zone. “Things are about to change!” we’re all thinking. "We're gonna win games! And soon the Soviet Union will repeal the Brezhnev Doctrine in favor of non-intervention in the internal affairs of its Warsaw Pact allies!!" Of course, what happens? Coach decides to use Harold as a “decoy” the rest of the game. We lose by our usual 48-6. Fucking unreal. We were furious; looking back I can’t believe my brother, who was qb and was the only one with the guts and brains to ever stand up to the coach, didn’t just give the ball to Harold every play, fuck what Coach called. We coulda written a movie about it and called it “Varsity Blues.” Ah well. Needless to say, we never saw Harold on the field again.

Today's Super-Slice

Courtesy of The Black Godfather

Paddy Mac and Brothatime!! at Sea

#1!   :)

LMU 1990

Watching the ESPN 30 on 30 with Paul Westhead makes me think about how much I remember Hank Gathers' dying on the court, but I don't know if it really occurred to me at the time that LMU really could've won the tournament that year. But then you're reminded that they MAULED the defending champs and went to the Regional Final while missing arguably the best player in the nation, and it seems more possible.

I also don't understand how that LMU/UNLV game was kept to a mere 131-101 score.

Here's where Hank & Bo rank on one All-Time Philly high school list. How the HELL incredible must that 1985 Murrell Dobbins team have been?

And I certainly don't remember Bo Kimble & Jeff Fryer going on Arsenio.

Planet Hopes

Xmastime HERE:

So it looks like there are "billions of other Earths" throughout the universe. Which makes sense to me; I've always assumed that what we don't even know about the vastness of the universe would have to make us assume that there's as much chance that there is "life on other planets" as there would be that there isn't.

Xmas' thoughts on such things and UFOs HERE.

And now apparently we're very close to finding those other Earths. I hope the chicks on them are really hot, and will be curious enough about my own exotic brand of girth and sloth that I will be like Brad Pitt to them!!!!  That, coupled with them having discovered the secret to living forever = Xmastime getting strange from here to eternity would not be the worst news I've ever heard. I'll represent Earth, knock on their door with a "Welcome!" cake, and get whisked away to my new life as intergalactic fuckpig. Sigh. Fingers crossed!

Oh yeah, and there's also a planet that has a tale. That's fucking creepy.

The Lottery

Watching HBO's doc about lottery winners Lucky makes me think of two things. First of all, if I ever won the lottery I'd hope I'd at least have the brains to immediately put Brothatime!! in charge of the money, to be doled out as needed. Otherwise, I would blow the shit in about four days on Sham-Wow! products and Nigerian princes. I'd buy a fucking grizzly bear and great white shark and enroll them both in private schools. There is no doubt in mind this would happen. Having Brothatime!! in charge would be  a win-win for me: I would never run out of the money, and if he ripped me off, he'd burn in hell forever for getting a Tonka truck on MY seventh birthday (ooooh, I didn't choose quickly enough for you...eff you, Mother dearest!!!!!)

Also, it reminds me of the time in 7th grade when Mr. Russell's class performed Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. I can't remember who I played, for some reason I'm thinking Devareaux, but I might not know what the fuck I'm talking about. Maybe The Gnat remembers who he played?

Also what I think of is this creepy "Bo is watching" lotto numbers.

Here's a pretty cool reading of it.

And a film made in 1969 that you can follow along with on YouTube:

Larry Yust's short film, The Lottery (1969), produced as part of Encyclopædia Britannica's 'Short Story Showcase' series, was ranked by the Academic Film Archive "as one of the two bestselling educational films ever". It has an accompanying ten-minute commentary film, Discussion of "The Lottery" by USC English professor Dr. James Durbin.  

Regional Soda

I cannot fathom why Northern Neck Ginger Ale isn't on THIS LIST, but Hires root beer was my shit back in the day when I was a young buck. Of course I had no diea it was "regional," but hey, back then I didn't know women could only orgasm when filmed by a dwarf, so I had a lot to learn as a kid I guess.

Wow, How Long Has It Been Since I Posted a Video From My Girl?

This is pretty cool.



And here it is in it's original super-slice form.

Still the Single Greatest Moment in Internet History?

Xmastime is Honored to Be Asked to Sing Backups with Michael McDonald on the Re-release of "Ride Like the Wind"

Seriously, my solo at the end is still making me piss myself.

Sigh. Hannah Montana Movie Memories.

This Is What Happens When You're Obama's Least Favorite Jersey Shore Cast Member

Swish!

Nick Swisher got a kick out of being struck out by a position player in Cleveland last night:

“As they say, you’ve got to just take it,” Swisher said. “Just wear it. Me and Marte, we’ve both got the same ERA.” 

Swisher knows the feeling. He struck out Gabe Kapler last year. “I’m going to use his line too,” Swisher said. “I now have a new most embarrassing moment.”

Nothing tops Swish last year when he pitched an inning:

The best part was when he [Swisher] shook Jose Molina off, even through there were no signs. When he struck Gabe Kapler out, Swish rolled the ball into the dugout for a souvenir. Hilarious.

Derek Jeter thought it was amusing because it was Swisher. “He’s not going to stop talking about it,” the captain said.

Amazing.

Calling out the GOP for their absurd bullshit = priceless
Slamming the mic like me dropping mine at my weekly rap freestyle battles = priceless + 1

I said it yesterday. If the GOP using this nonsense to not help the victims of 9/11 doesn't make you think "hey, wait a minute here..." then I really don't know what to tell you. You can wrap it up in pretend deficit hysteria, you can hide behind pretend procedural roadblocks, whatever. At least have the decency to be fucking embarrassed by these people. And yes, by "these people" I mean "blacks." Yeah I'm pissed but they will have to pry my incredibly racist humor from my cold, dead nuts.

Remember this the next time some Republican tries to wrap himself in some weepy American flag-cradling nonsense about 9/11. And know for damn sure that if George Bush was magically president for a day and wanted to pass a $100B bill to give billionaires new yachts these people would be running over people in the streets to go vote for it.

Amazing.

Another Book. Awesome.

Apparently Sniffy has some children's book coming out via some Christian publisher.

Sounds fascinating; I'm just sorry my Christian book budget for the month has already been blown on Garfield Fucks Jesus. Hey, maybe next time.

This Still Cracks Me Up

Monday, June 14, 2010

Conversations You Only Witness When You're a Manny

Big Bear holds up three popsicle sticks to Cherry Bomb.

"How many popsicle sticks am I holding?"
"Ummm...2?"
"No"

"1?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

Long pause.

"1?"

"No."

Sir Dicks-a-Lot

How come no chicks out there have written an homage to my fucking hog ballz?

"I like big nuts and I cannot lie..."


Christ. My lazy female fans letting me down as per usual. You girls suck  :(

QUESTION: Are There Any Girls In Alaska Who AREN'T Raging Cum-Guzzling Whores?

ANSWER: Nope. 

A source says that Johnston claims the baby isn't his, but that, "Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable week of conception."

Three in one week. Awesome.

Btw, does the Fung Wah go to Alaska? No reason. Just wondrin.' (packing up my Canoe cologne and fuckrubbers)

Tuition

A few years ago HERE I wrote that college for the most part has become a waste of money, and some professors agree with me.

But I disagree with them re: a Harvard or Yale is a waste of money. I think a $250K investment in Harvard is a good one, as anyone coming out of Harvard is presumably almost guaranteed a good job, be it less because of the "education" he received and more the connections one gets at an Ivy League school. But the majority of colleges in my eyes have become glorified way stations whose outrageous costs far outweigh any real value they give a graduate. My Almost Matters would fall under that category but when I went it was about $1,000 a year; nowadays there's thousands of similarly accredited institutions that are 10 or 20 times that for no other reason than they can charge that because people have gotten used to the idea that that's just what you do after high school, no matter the cost. Which, as I brilliantly laid out in the post I linked, has not done society any favors.

Xmastime Translations

From HERE:

We categorically reject appeals to bigotry on the basis of religion, and condemn those whose opposition to this proposed Islamic Center is a manifestation of such bigotry.

However,

"Hey, we're not racist, but we hate ni--ers."

Awesome.

McWeird

THIS GUY over at TNC backs up the head-scratching I've done about Eagles fans over the last 10+ years with a quote from a Giants fan that I as a Cowboys fan have often felt:

My boy, a Giants fan who saw dude make his team work twice a year, used to ask what all the hate was about. I never knew how to answer him. I honestly didn't know.

I understand booing him on draft day out of simple frustration of not picking Ricky Williams; it can be assumed they would've booed whoever they picked, not specifically McNabb.

But year after year since that day, I have never met an Eagles fan that when asked about McNabb didn't roll his eyes in frustration and screech how much they needed to "get him the fuck out of there." Meanwhile, he's a borderline Hall of Famer, by far the greatest Eagles quarterback (or player, really) in history, and took them to 4 NFC championships and a Super Bowl. And it's not as if the Eagles Super Bowl trophy assembly line all of a sudden stopped once he got there; they haven't won an NFL championship since 1960. Reggie White never carried the Eagles to a Super Bowl, and yet I don't remember the Eagles fans' desperate pleas to get him the fuck out of Philly.

And yet if you ask the Eagles fan about Ron Jaworski, the reaction is the complete opposite. He is the cherished Eagles qb of memory; the worst thing anyone will ever say about Jaworski is that he got his ass kicked by Lawrence Taylor, which doesn't exactly place him in an exclusive fraternity. Meanwhile, McNabb has been a scourge on the city since the day he got there and started winning 10+ games a year in the NFL's toughest division.

The Eagles fan's hatred of McNabb from Day 1 is certainly one of the most peculiar things in all of sports over the past decade. It's very easy to point to racism, but the Eagles once booed Santa Claus, who we all know is white. Very strange.

November

I have no idea if the odds of the GOP winning back power in Congress in November are as much of a no-brainer as the media wants you to think, although I do feel there are certainly enough incredibly stupid people nostalgic for a return to the Great Depression table-setting years of the Bush administration; much like when I was a child and couldn't sleep unless I had gotten a whuppin' that day, apparently people are not totally happy unless they can give as much of their money to billionaires as possible.

But I will say this: I greatly look forward to the GOP's first day in power when something called "obsructionism" will be invented, as Republican after Republican hurl themselves onto the ground in faux frustration declaring Democrats to be terrorists for clogging up the hallowed halls of legislation with the just-invented "filibusters" and "60 vote majority." Their incredulity will be amazing to watch.

Greatest Recording Session of All Time?

McCartney Gershwin Award

Jack White was not only astounding on Mother Nature's Son, but I will bet half of my nuts that anyone listening would've thought that it was a John Lennon song. Like idiots.

Bill Burr

I've loved Bill Burr for years, and his set on Letterman tonight is the best standup I've seen in I don't know how many years. Killed it.

Whackity Whack (Don't Talk Back) Stuff

One of the guys over at my favorite Yankees blog treated himself with a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland today and bumped into first-time starter Dustin Moseley, filling in for Andy Pettitte tonight, and observed this:

Moseley walked off along a semi-chronological exhibit about the different genres of popular music. As he was walking through the crowd, a huge group of Yankee fans in t-shirts and hats stood talking about the start of Motown, completely oblivious to the fact tonight’s Yankees starter was standing two feet behind them, looking over their heads at the pictures and old records on the wall.

Obama on The View

He was fine. Of course, mabye we're all not as shocked as when Michelle "held her own!!"

"Snooki, how the fuck long were you in that tanning bed?"

Well.

Earlier in THIS POST I smirked that the Right only pretends to care about small business, which absolutely nobody since nobody gvies two shits what I say probably had some people scratching their heads since the GOP pounds it's own drum as "the party for small business" so loudly.

And so now HERE THEY ARE saying "fuck you" to a small business lending bill, since it's more important that the children of the uber-wealthy stay as uber-wealthy as possible. Of course.

Enough of this horseshit for today; from now on it's all titties, Garfield, and Costanza. Maybe I'll have a few pops and send out some pics of my big fat fucking hog ballz.

SI Pizza Tour

Xmastime buddy Tinsel & Rot takes a tour of Staten Island pizza, presumably so you don't have to. In heat like this I can't think of anything more disgusting than walking around eating 10 slices of pizza, but...oh, wait a second...oooooh, I just thought of something more disgusting.

(back from PornHub.com)

Anyway, in just looking at the photos I'd say the last one, Denino's, looks like what I'd like the best. But hey, who knows, it ain't like the internet's scratch 'n sniff yet.Which is actually good since our hero also took pictures of one of the bathrooms, so.

'Za on, T&R!!!!!!

Hey, This is Pretty Cool

Looks like 500,000 municipal jobs are on the chopping block, and they might not be saved due to, say it with me:

The report called on Congress to pass the Local Jobs for America Act, which would provide $75 billion in federal funds over two years to city and county governments and community-based organizations to save and create jobs...But the bill's fate is uncertain as mounting concerns over the national deficit hinder the passage of new stimulus measures.

Ah yes, the "deficit concerns," 2010's own answer to "boys kissing boys will make your son rape the family dog." Abortion must be miffed it's been put in the corner for now.

But Republicans across the land must be thrilled about this, because as you know it's not as if 500,000 people are going to be added to the already extraordinarily large unemployment rolls, lose their livelihoods, and therein won't be able to spend any money in the very same communities with small businesses these GOP members pretend to champion since of course government on any level bigger than the Junior Women's Club is not made up of real people that you may know and live amongst but are instead a faceless, nameless phantasm of evil, socialist energy that will merely be forced into some backroom to shake it's fists at the sky "damn you, freedom, you've beaten me THIS time!!!" and rub it's hands with glee at the prospect of coming back again and trying to destroy America as if in some Spy vs. Spy cartoon or Jerry muttering "Newman!!" through clenched teeth. Well done, indeed.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

I just watched Obama on The View, and one of the girls (oh, I won't say which one) asked him the now fucking nauseatingly childish question that gets paraded out every time now, the "Mr. President, are you disappointed you haven't been able to bring the two parties together more?"

Besides the obvious "well, ONE of those parties has decided instead to double down on not cooperating with the other party" worn-out answer, can we all just get together as adults and fucking agree that such a question is code for "why haven't you done exactly everything that my own chosen party wants?"? Please?

Well. This Makes Total Sense.

The GOP is against funding to boost medical treatment for 9/11 victims because it's paid for by closing a tax loophole for foreign companies.

Whatever happened to the good 'ol days when Republicans hated fereigners?

So, there has to be a "good reason" to pay to treat victims of 9/11 here, but there is no cost too absurd to fund the Afghan and Iraq wars in the name of 9/11. That makes sense.

Of course, you'd think poining out "hey look, the GOP doesn't want 9/11 victims to get the proper medical treatment" would be a fairly easy argument for the Democrats to make, which means that by about noon today the streets will be flooded by people absolutely furious, losing their shit that some wealthy corporations overseas are to be asked to tone down some fancy bookkeeping so that medical treatment may be given to people who were too stupid and lazy to not be rich enough to pay for treament themselves. Of course.

Line of the Night

from last ngiht's The Real World.

Girl is lying in bed, looking longingly at picture of her boyfriend from back home. Then she turns to guy lying next to her that she's been fucking since they got to New Orleans.

"Am I a bad girlfriend?"

Hmm.

Paul McCartney at the White House

 Accepting the Gershwin Prize.

I missed the first 1/2 hour, but that's fine since 1) PBS will rerun it a million times  2) I'd rather see Paul playing his songs anyway, not Dave fucking Grohl while Paul is 10 feet away from him.

Also, the stat Obama passed out that Paul's songs have been on the charts for an accumulative 32 years is pretty fucking astounding.

Xmas MacLove HERE.

TOP 5 MACCA SLICES (today) (at this moment):

Let it Be
For No One
The Night Before
Two of Us
I've Got a Feeling
She's Leaving Home
Golden Slumbers/Carry that Weight/The End
Getting Better

Also, shame on Brothatime!! for his "is this a record for the most black people ever in the audience for a member of the Beatles?" crack. Not all of us prefer to join in with your particular brand of racism, sir. Remember: I do not see race. Oh, I see an entire group of people who happen to have darker skin than myself that should be loathed for their addiction to crime, laziness and not being able to swim, but skin color? No. Not in 2010.

It's Here.

Each state's fattiest food.

Shame on the laziness of picking from a chain restaurant in some of these states, though picking the KFC double-down for Kentucky is actually pretty funny.

TOP FIVE SLICES I'D LIKE TO GET MY PAWS ON
Iowa: Hot beef sundae
In 2006, the hot beef sundae made its debut at the Iowa State Fair. An artery-clogging play on the classic hot fudge sundae, this horror was marketed as “a new twist to an old favorite.”

Ingredients: Mashed potatoes, roast beef, beef gravy, cheddar cheese, tomato

[Ed. note] "Beef" and "horror" in the same sentence? Okay, you got me!

Kansas: Charred ends
Burnt ends don’t necessarily sound like a delicacy, but in the Kansas barbecue world, the charred ends of a brisket are held in the highest esteem.

Ingredients: These crunchy cubes are the fatty ends of a barbecued brisket.

New Jersey: Fat Darrell
In 1997, Darrell W. Butler, then a sophomore at Rutgers University, decided he wanted to cram all his favorite guilty-pleasure foods into one health-defying sandwich. The result was named the Fat Darrell, a supersize sandwich at the famous RU Hungry? “grease truck” in New Brunswick, N.J.

Ingredients: Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, marinara sauce, French fries, lettuce, tomato, roll

New York: Garbage plate
While New York–style cheesecake tops the list of fatty regional specialties, the Empire State is also home to the “garbage plate,” a mess of potatoes, beans, meat, onions, mustard, and sauce that reportedly got its start at Rochester, N.Y. eatery Nick Tahou Hots in 1918.

Ingredients: A base of home fries, macaroni salad, baked beans or French fries, topped with choice of meat (hamburger, cheeseburger, hot dog, sausage, chicken tender, fish, fried ham), and drenched in mustard, onions, and hot sauce—all amounting to about 3 pounds of food!

Oregon: Brunchbox's Redonkadonk
While Oregon isn’t the only state to offer gigantic, heart-stopping burgers, a particularly outrageous version—called the Redonkadonk—can be found at BrunchBox, a popular food vendor cart.

Ingredients: Egg, ham, Spam, bacon, and American cheese on a beef patty, between two grilled-cheese sandwiches on thicker-than-normal Texas Toast bread in the place of a bun

Today's Nutshells

Federal judge in AZ hates white people

Bill O'Reilly loves sucking big fat dicks more than Obama does

$8B in Iraq reconstruction funds missing; Republicans breathe sigh of relief it wasn't used on US reconstruction, ie "poor people."

The Assassin

The weirdest thing to me about the whole Tatum/Stingley hit has always been that it was in a preseason game. I mean, for fuck's sake. Dial it down pods.

Porn. You Used to Hafta Dig Through Landfills to Find It.

The Assault on Reason

Sully:

Anyone who wants to cut the debt and restore fiscal balance in America would be insane to vote Republican this fall. Why? Because they have still not abandoned supply-side economics, which was taken to its logical extremes under Bush and Cheney. 

And yet slogans and amnesia still seem to be winning against arguments and data.

Well. This Makes More than Perfect Sense.

The House passing another war funding bill for Afghanistan is curious timing so quickly after the Wikileaks fiasco. As in, now you're asking us to foot the bill to the tune of yet another $60 billion (bringing the Afghan total up to $300B) to fight an enemy that is presumably so stupid it can't tell exactly what our "plans and schemes!" are from those Wikileak docs. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

I would suggest simply going in and filming a "real" True Lies sequel and get the shit done with for $50M and then MAKE money on the film's release, but hey, what the fuck do I know.

But hey, at least everything else s just peachy keen these days, right? I mean, there's nowhere else we could be putting that dough right now, right?

Dinner for Idjits

Last night I saw Paul Rudd, Jay Roach and Steve Carrell on The Charlie Rose Show, where they were very pleased to sit around talking about how smart they and their particular peer group are, to which Charlie mentioned this:

CHARLIE ROSE:  At this table you expect all of these questions like how is comedy changing and the history of comedy, but it does seem to me,  John C. Reilly said to me in the film world it seems all of the great minds  move to comedy.  Some of the smartest people I know, some of the most  politically engaged people I know, some of the most subversive people I  know, and compare that to some of the dramas that have come my way, they are a bit of a snooze, compared to these guys, who are really the people you want to work with. 

A few years ago HERE I mentioned the "geniuses" of the world flocking to Hollywood and our being all too happy to throw money at them for trucking out the same old shit time and time again, the bulk being (to me) the whole Ferrell/Apatow/Frat Pack et al franchise that appears to have no end in sight.

Meanwhile, to sit around and talk about how smart these guys are is laughable - while I've hammered these movies for a while now and you can argue that they're not as bad as I claim they are, I don't think anyone would call any of these movies "smart." Yeah, I'm sure each of the guys in these movies are funny and smart, but they seem to be way too happy to default to merely being filmed trying to crack each other up with simple vulgarities and an endless slew of pop culture references. And while I do believe there's a connection between intelligence and humor, in my lifetime I've known probably two guys I thought were funnier than myself, and both are light years smarter than I am, and I'm pretty sure that there hasn't been anything in any of these movies that we could not have come up with ourselves.

I give them credit for being smart enough to make a zillion dollars pulling off such crap, but if they're gonna go around talking about Steve Martin and Monty Python as reverently as they do, perhaps it's time to sit in a room together and try to come up with something a little better than "Dinner for Michael Scott."

full transcript of CR HERE.

Manny Porn

A while back I mentioned Manny porn:

The Fashion Herald and I have decided I should do a blog called Manny YouPorn, which would consist of videos of babies peacefully napping (ie, shutting the fuck up.) I figure I'll either make a billion dollars, or go to jail. Either way is fine, I guess.

And now here's a site showing some baby napping and dreaming.

Of course, that site celebrates what the kid could be dreaming about; my dream site was about celebrating the kid shutting the fuck up for two hours.

Also: does this baby have a  crib?  For fuck's sake, she just dumps the kid on the goddam floor? Wtf?

Mad Men Season Four Premiere

1) Back in the office! Thank god!!
2) I wanna punch Peggy's little sidekick in the fucking head. Hopefully he's the first guy shipped off to 'Nam.
3) Even the home stuff was tolerable, since it was mostly spent pointing out everyone realizing Betty is a fucking bitch.
4) The ham setup was kind of clever and interesting, but felt gimmicky by the end.
5) I love the "we have a second floor" sham.
6) I'd bust nuts all over Don's date. Nom nom nom!!!
7) More Bert & Roger!!!
8) Is Pete becoming too likeable?
9) More Bert & Roger!!!

Oh, Now the Dogs are Gonna Go After the Jews? Wtf?

Even as a Little Boy, Barack Wasn't Interested in Paying Attention to What White People Had to Say

Big Bear, Husky and Cherry Bomb Find My Lifeless Body on the Softball Field

Anatomy of a Softball Sunday

6:38am: Text Op: Drinking in the am. A nex [sic] low.

12:39pm: wake up. Have 21 minutes to shower and get to softball field. Am told I will be playing for first time since 2004. Hmm.

1:00pm: boo Favorite Playah as lineup is read out loud.

1:06pm: first container from the Nest.

1:11pm: refuse to give ball back to pitcher from 1B; hurl it down on the ground instead.

1:16pm: next container from Nest

1:22pm: crush ball foul down lf line in first at bat in 6 years. "I still got it," I say to myself.

1:23pm: 3-1, announce to everybody "hitter's count!"

1:24pm: strike out swinging. Maybe 9 seconds later, ball crosses plate.

1:25pm: removed from game

1:26pm: next container from the Nest

1:26-2:40pm: gobsmacked that a girl on the bench has no idea what Angela on Who's the Boss? did for a living.

3:00pm-?pm: 92,000 beers drunken.

12:30am: decide to try a "booty text"

12:40am: have received 3 different texts from three different numbers asking "Who are you?"

1:06am: texts Op "do you have ______'s pjhone number?"

Latest Insanely Hot Chick on Fox News

Alisyn Camerota

Blake Lively Gets Me

Now This Shit's Funny

From HERE:

Another Hall-of-Famer, Richie Ashburn, the great center fielder for the Phillies from 1948-59, and one of the game’s best leadoff hitters, once said he fouled off 17 straight pitches in one at-bat before hitting a single. Again, there’s no written proof of this that I could find. Unlike that amazing Ashburn story dating back to the ’57 season when old Whitey hit a spectator with a foul ball in the stands. The spectator, named Alice Roth, broke her nose and was carted off on a stretcher. As she was being taken away, Whitey hit her again with another foul ball! 

Sunday Fuck It, Im Drujk from the Heat Already

Sunday Fuck It, Im Drujk from the Heat Already

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 27

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 26

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 25

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 24

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 23

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 22

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 21

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 20

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Tack 19

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 18

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 17

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 16

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 15

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 14

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 13

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 12

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 11

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 10

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 9

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 8

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 7

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 6

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 5

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 4

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 3

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 2

Saturday Night Jukebox: It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Sober, Track 1

Slice du Jour

Ironic, since nobody on the planet hates the sun with more passion than me.

I'm Trying

In trying to branch out a bit from my "I refuse to listen to music made after 1985" old man stance, I have been trying to listen to "what the kids are into these days."

First of all, let me say this: it is inconceivable to me how those fucking sissy pricks MGMT have somehow become famous. That is astounding; they fucking make those fucking pussies Vampire Weekend or whatever sound like AC/DC loaded up on a pool of fucking gin. Unreal. They reek of "all our dads are rich and have bought us onto tv." They fucking suck so bad that anyone who fucking likes them has an open invitation to come to 100 Metro, where The Short Bus will kick your fucking ass.

"MGMT? Really? Come here, you fucking pussy."

I do like this super-slice, tho. That they're some sort of "indie rock supergroup" kinda makes them fags, but it's a great cut.

Hey, baby steps.

Slice du Jour

Ironic, since nobody on the planet hates the sun with more passion than me.

History

Even if A-Rod hits #600 today, it will still only be the second biggest moment on a July 24 in Royals/Yankees history.

That's It - I'm Moving to Tennessee

Even in Dying, You Should Do the Right Thing

I would think that the most considerate day to die would be on a Monday. That way, the funeral's on Thursday. So your buddies have that day off, and then, why bother going into work just for one day the next day? So BAM!  4-day weekend. If you're a REALLY sweet guy, you'll put it into your will that you hafta be buried before 10am; that means everybody can have even more time to get outta town for a coupla days, have a nice relaxing vacation.

Hey, we're living in a society, people.

As a Native Virginian

THIS is disappointing.

Those who came to this country in recent decades from Asia, Latin America and Africa did not suffer discrimination from our government, and in fact have frequently been the beneficiaries of special government programs. The same cannot be said of many hard-working white Americans, including those whose roots in America go back more than 200 years.

Jim Webb now feels the need to sound the clarion call for ending the shackles of white oppression. Awesome.


What do we want?!!

WHITE POWER!!

When do we want it?!!!

WELL...WE'VE ALWAYS HAD IT, BUT... I MEAN, IF WE COULD GET SOME MORE, THAT'D BE GREAT! THANK YOU KINDLY!!!

However, as a native virgin, things are going along swimmingly, thanks for asking.

Live Fast Rules

The best live band I've ever seen is Soul Asylum, and hell, that was even long after their prime. Anyway, this guy HERE has out together a 10-disc "box set" of their live history. Enjoy!

Hey, here they are with Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen. (dont even ask, yes, I've met him, move the fuck on already!!)

 

Okay, You Can Tell Us It's All a Joke Now, Right?

from the NY POST:

Levi Johnston will make his music video debut as a lover whose romance is thwarted by his girlfriend's disapproving mother, according to a Universal Music Group record label and Johnston's attorney.

Hmm. Other than when they open their mouths and say words out loud, Mama Grizzlies don't prolly cotton to being made fools of, I bet.

HHHHHHHHeeeeeeeey, I have an idea - she can get back at him by being in a gonzo anal bukkakke porn flick in which she disapproves of her daughter's boyfriend!!  Camon, Sniff-tits!!!!  Show that little shit who's the boss!!!!

Kate + 8 Extra Chromosomes?

Robert Palmer, Alive and Kicking

Paul Krugman on the horrifying truth:

Again, Republicans aren’t trying to rescue George W. Bush’s reputation for sentimental reasons; they’re trying to clear the way for a return to Bush policies. And this carries a message for anyone hoping that the next time Republicans are in power, they’ll behave differently. If you believe that they’ve learned something — say, about fiscal prudence or the importance of effective regulation — you’re kidding yourself. You might as well face it: they’re addicted to Bush.

I wonder how many people for whom the GOP (and Ben fucking Nelson) tried to take away their unemployment insurance will vote Republican this next go-round. I'm guessing a lot.

A Real GT&L Situation

Guys' Tits are Large?

Don't Worry, the Nonsense Will Be Over Soon Enough

Mini-Sniffy has some peculiar thoughts on how government should be run if the GOP takes over come November:

BACHMANN: Well I think that’s all we should do. I think all we should do is issue subpoenas and have one hearing after another and expose all the nonsense that has gone on.

Oh, Crazy Lady. Nothing last forever, even cold batshit November reign. I think I might wanna hold my own hearings if this actually happened.

HEARING #1: "Seriously now, how fucking retarded ARE the people from Minnesota?"

HEARING #2: "Is batshit contagious?"

HEARING #3: "Will somebody please give Bachmann a ball of yarn to play with so we can try to run the country?"

HEARING #4: "I never said I wouldn't hit it, I said she's fucking retarded."

HEARING #5: "I'm still waiting for an explanation re: replacing Jessie and Kelly with Tory during Zack's senior year."

HEARING #6: "The blacks. I mean, really?"

HEARING #7: "Does your bubblegum lose it's flavor if it's stuck to my cock?"

HEARING #8: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was elected to Congress over this fucking idiot?"

HEARING #9: "Can Congress trade Michelle Bachmann to The Jersey Shore for Snooki?"

Long Ball Odds

According to THIS WEBSITE, that's the seat you wanna be sitting if you wanna catch A-Rod's historic 600th home run (hopefully tonight.) The odds of him hitting it into that section are 9%.

I don't know why; seems like the last 400 homers he's hit have been to right or right center, but what the fuck do I know. 

ODDS THAT HE WILL HIT IT WHILE I'M RUBBING ONE OUT TO:

Audrina 18%
Kim Kardashian 14%
Angela/Sam/Mona in the kitchen 13%
Stacy Dash 13%
The last girl I see before I start my "heavy liftin'" 10%
Pat's King of Steaks 8%
A bicameral legislative system 4%
Jennifer Love Hewitt's titties 3%
Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass 3%
Jennifer Love Hewitt's career as an author 2%
Jennifer Love Hewitt's sense of what's fair play 1%
Sniffy 3%
Sniffy, with that dead bear on her couch "filming" (I can throw my voice) 2%
A Frankenstein-style mashup of a select group of my Facebook friends 5%
The throbbing gristle of sweet, horrible freedom 1%
Other 1%

Oh My God - the Economy Is Even Worse Than We Thought

From the Yankees LoHud blog:

• After allowing three runs before getting his fourth out, Sabathia retired 11 of the next 12 batters… He is undefeated in his past 17 Yankee Stadium starts, which Elias says in the longest home winning streak in the majors… He extended his career-high homeless streak to 66 innings.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

Facebook has opened the window for The Victim in Chief to place them alongside the left-wing media, the lamestream media, the media, non-real Americans, Jesus-hating Americans, foreigners, European foreigners, the French, people who like ice cream, A-Rod, Letterman, dogs with missing legs, dentists, clowns, rodeo clowns, clown college professors, Clowns for Literacy, shortstops, left fielders, gays, Gisele, the 1943 Chicago Bears, Asians, Koreans, Chinese, Japanese, birds, Eli Manning, Menudo, Johnny Carson, people that work at Frito-Lay, the Gilmore Girls (cast and crew), people that wear sunglasses indoors, animal trainers, Woody Allen, the Bad News Bears, The Bad News Bears remake, snakes, those things you shake up and it snows inside, bees, killer bees, killer whales, whales, Frank Whaley, popcorn, farts, armpit farts, squirrels, toilets that make you hafta hold down the lever until it's done flushing, cake, Tony Dorsett, Sweet Valley High, waiters, journalists and the president on the list of those that are in a desperate crusade to destroy her and her family. Fucking hell.

Hypocrite?

I don't really care about this jerkoff's high heels comment; without watching the video I'm guessing he was just trying to be funny. Who cares.  But this is weird:

“She has questioned my manhood; I think it’s fair to respond,” Buck continues in the video. “I have cowboy boots on. They have real bull— on ‘em. That’s Weld County bull—, not Washington D.C. bull—.”

Okay, we're all proud of you for walking around with shit on you, and I don't think there are bulls in D.C., but don't cowboy boots have heels? Take a look at this one, that's a bit of a heel, right? Am I crazy? I'm staring at it, and that's a big heel, no?

Take a Breath

I appear to be a tad cranky today. So here's a picture of cute puppy to lighten me up a bit.

Oh, fuck this asshole too.

Some Good News

A revised version of the public option has snuck back onto the scene. Since the Tea Baggers have moved on to pretending to be furious about the deficit, maybe they can be distracted by shiny, silvery objects long enough that it will actually happen this time. Of course, once they find out it will actually reduce the deficit by $68B, I'm guessing they'll lose their shit, since $68B in deficit reduction fueled by Blackpresidentcare = EXPLODING GOVERNMENT SPENDING!!!!!!! But still, let's hope this happens; my penile reduction operation can't wait much longer.

Fuck Reggie

The powers that be are considering taking Reggie Bush's Heisman Trophy away from him. They probably won't, the NCAA hasn't made a good decision since signing off on college volleyball uniforms.

Fuck Reggie Bush. He won a Heisman by pushing his qb into the end zone to beat Notre Dame and then was standing on the sidelines fidgeting with his nuts during the most important play of the year, and then goes on to get zillions of dollars for running for about 500 yards a year in the NFL, all while banging Kim Kardashian's fat ass, and yet you never see the douchebag smiling, do you? Here's Reggie looking mad. Here's Reggie looking sad. Here's Reggie, he is not glad, look at Reggie carry the green eggs and ham for 2.7 yards. Fuck him. You can find more pictures of Rosie O'Donnell gnawing on some dick than Reggie Bush smiling. If I had my snout up in Kardashian's big ass a goddam dog could chew my smile off and another one would immediately re-appear. But no, not assshole. Fuck him, and I hope they take the trophy away.

Signed,
Xmastime and Kim