Mind Absolutely Blown du Jour

There's only been two men ever who have played in an NCAA Final Four and a World Series, Tim Stoddard & Kenny Lofton...

...and they both went to the same high school. 🤯🤯🤯🤯

WORLDS COLLIDING

A scene from my second book, THE WEDDING PARTIES:

"Well, I got a ride with my cousin Forest so I could tie one on but when I get there BAM! there's Reenie, dancing away with anyone in sight. Drunk as a skunk. I think oh, shit, right? I immediately decided that it might be a good idea for me to NOT drink a hundred beers while I was there. Or one drop. Or even smell booze from someone talking. I avoided her all night, spent most of the time talking to our old junior varsity football coach while keeping an eye on her from across the way. Anyways, I made it through the whole night without her seeing me, and as we're finally getting ready to load up and go home I breathe a sigh of relief when...an old, withered, senior citizen hand pumping equal parts feral sexuality and Ben-Gay landed on my shoulder, sending a shudder through my body -"
"Alright this isn't Penthouse Forum, hurry it up already," George cut in.
"I turned around slowly and it was Reenie, right up in my face: 'Do I get a dance before you leave?' she asked me. I figured right away I'd just be better off saying why the heck not. Hell, she'd already taken away my ability to sleep with the lights off, right? And I knew that if I just ran off to the van, word would get around town that I was an asshole."
"To a lady very recently widowed."
"Thanks, Mike. But-"
"By suicide."
"Anyway, I heard the song starting up - it was midtempo, meaning I didn't have to fast dance, and I didn't have to slow dance and rub up all over her wrinkled-up groins either. I mumbled okay, so we hit the dance floor and I started counting down the seconds that I knew were left in the song. So we're bopping along, 'dancing', and then she says 'hey, you're a good dancer.' I mumbled something like 'thanks' and then BLAMMO!"
Everyone else in the room jumped slightly, while breathless.
"All of a sudden she yanks me up close, pulling me right up to her so our bodies are rubbing together -"
"Gross."
"- yep, and she says, while literally licking her old, wrinkled lips, 'what else are you good at?' P00000-INGGG! I nearly popped a hamstring getting out of there to Forest's van, yelling at everyone to get the fuck in the van and get me the fuck out of there."

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "is this somehow analogous to a scene from your beloved Beverly Hills, 90210 with your girlfriend Donna Martin?"

Sigh. Yes it is, faithful readers, YES it is:

Dear God I Hope This is the Last Time I Hafta Mention Trump Today

So any effort to hold Trump accountable in court is playing politics because he's currently running for president, but NOT holding him accountable because he's currently running for president ISN'T playing politics? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Boy, You're Gonna Carry That Weight a Long, Long Time

I've always assumed Carry That Weight was Paul McCartney (rather astutely for a 26 year-old) warning his fellow Beatles of the burden that will come for each of them once they're no longer Beatles & have to try to live up to their own legacy, and I'm pretty sure that's 100% true, but just now it's occurred to me for the first time that it can also be applied to whoever will end up being the last surviving Beatle and now I'm totally bummed out. 😢

GREAT MOMENTS IN BACKGROUND ACTING, with Xmastime

A DIFFERENT WORLD
Strangers on a Plane 9/28/89

MAGNIFICENT performance by the girl in the white shirt on the steps; what other actor can simultaneously keep up the "OMG??!" face with a friend while also leering at Dwayne Wayne, all stretched over an improbable 21 seconds? Her being perched on the steps also means I'm surprised we didn't get some sort of "oh, lawsy!" pearls-clutching fainting spell to let her really take it over the top. Whatever happened to this acting genius? Where is she now? How many Oscars has she won? Is she still on those steps trying to squeeze even more performance onto the screen for us?

GREAT MOMENTS IN BACKGROUND ACTING, with Xmastime SCORE: 9.2

Pretty sure this will be the gold standard for any foreseeable future.

PREVIOUS GREAT MOMENTS IN BACKGROUND ACTING, with Xmastime

Some Thoughts in Real Time as the Trump Verdict Came Down Yesterday

Things I Think About

Never minding that of course I know Morgan Fairchild isn't dead, seeing this reminds me that the single greatest eulogy I can ever one day give a woman is "that fine ass always done brought the ruckus". 😔

Can't Get Enough of That White Fur Muff

The third was Clarissa Bud, who made my heart ache as soon as she raised her eyes toward mine. She was small and fragile, with skin as pale and smooth as moonlight on the Bolotomy. She moved as if she were moving through water instead of air: she rose to her feet as if she were allowing herself to float upward. Her eyes were enormous, wide and surprised. Though the weather was mild, she had on her desk a white fur muff, on which she rested her left hand, rubbing the fur between her thumb and forefinger, drawing from the muff the kind of comfort that I got from clutching my camera. Clarissa seemed so frightened and retiring that she made me feel strong and bold. She was, Mrs. Graham pointed out, also new to the classroom, and in fact new to Babbington, the latest stop in Mr. Bud's progress from one important position in the food-processing industry to another. Clarissa's desk was beside mine.

"Hello, Peter," Clarissa said, so softly that when I responded I spoke in a whisper.

"Hello, Clarissa," I said. I held my hand out. To be honest, I didn't just hold my hand out, I reached for her hand. I didn't intend to shake it;

I wanted to hold it. She hesitated for the briefest instant, and then she gave her right hand to me. I held it between both of mine. She kept her left hand on the muff.

"You can call me Clare if you want to," she said.Tiny droplets of sweat formed on my upper lip. I stammered when I spoke. "Oh, th — that's okay," I said. "I th — think Clarissa is beautiful."

I've blathered away a gazillion times about my favorite book of all time, Little Follies: The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy, including HERE, HERE and HERE. I was lucky enough to meet Kraft in 1995 thanks to Prof. Michael Lund, and he would go on to not only generously consult me on my first book, but it was his idea to have Williamsburg in the title.

Meanwhile, the first story from Peter Leroy we ever read in Lund's class was The Girl with the White Fur Muff, which would kick off a lifetime of influence on my own writing that reveled in its Proustian memories & digressions while always prepared to (hopefully) snap off a funny line at any moment.

Anyway, I thought of all that when this popped up. NOW GO & BUY ERIC KRAFT'S BOOKS!!!

https://t.co/UW3prpjzWG pic.twitter.com/7HiQ6w26bG

— Owain (@orhunt) May 28, 2024

In America

Biden's been a really great president and Democrats are FURIOUS they can't replace him with the next person who walks through the door; meanwhile, on top of everything else already Trump gets convicted on 34 felony charges and Republicans can't believe they have to wait until January to return him to the White House.

Zing!

Ladies & Germs, Say Hello to Willie Oleson and the Greatest "Hey Wait Can I Re-Do My Answer?" Moment in Human History

Xmastime Confesses

I don't think I've ever given a single dime to Wikipedia or (insert specific sport here)-reference.com and I use each about 92,000 time a day. #xmastimeconfesses

Hubba Hubba!

To 12 year-old me this was like goddam Ruth & Gehrig walking into the room together.

Jesus Freakin' Christ

It's bad enough he's always presented visually as suburban-hippy white guy Jesus Christ but is anybody else surprised at how dull & white the names of his apostles were considering they were from the Middle East, where the most popular names are Maryam, Noor, Ahmed, and Ali? To whit:

Andrew
James
John
Philip
Judas
Jude
Bartholomew
Matthew
Thomas
James
Simon

Is this the Last Supper at the Rotary Club? I mean, no Hunter or Dax; how much would these motherfuckers get a kick out of Stuff White People Like?

"YES Philip, Jay Bennett's original mixes for Yankee Hotel Foxtrot ARE superior to Jim O'Rourke's...write that down, Simon."

A Note on Israel

Nobody knows less about the whole sitch than me (sorry not sorry, signed Mr. Braggy McBraggerson) but I feel like it’s in Netanyahu's personal interest to never solve this crisis, therein holding onto power as long as he wants?

Guerreotype Calling

What’s the German word for dropping in & listening to 10 minutes of a podcast trying to figure out who or what they’re talking about instead of just taking about 30 seconds and scrolling back to where you can easily find out?

I Got the Broke-Down No Count Goddam Escalator Blues, Baby

I commute to work three days a week on the DC Metro & it is INCREDIBLY rare to go the entire three days without AT LEAST one of the escalators being broken; here's one from today. Fucking grrrrrrrrrr. 😡😡😡😡

CLICK HERE PREVIOUS I Got the Broke-Down No Count Goddam Escalator Blues, Baby POSTS

OH FFS Already

People who try to explain their Trump vote with “well Biden is so much worse” need to explain what they thought about Trump up through 1/20/21; I find it hard to believe that after what we’ve all witnessed over the last 9 years this person is just a slightly-better-candidate-than-Joe-Biden away from not voting for Trump in 2024.

Questions. I Have Them.

Dafuck is it about rich motherfuckers wanting to go down and dick around with the Titanic, and when can we get Donald Trump & Elon Musk in on one of these things?

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

It’s kind of funny that when it comes to gun control we can't even talk about making laws for better gun regulation because according to Republicans, “hey if someone wants to shoot you they're gonna shoot you no matter what the laws are”, and yet that logic doesn't apply to male pedophiles going into girls public bathrooms since Republicans are apparently under the impression that unlike people with guns pedophiles on the hunt are very respectful of any anti-pedophilia laws in place at that particular time & location and they'll just shake their fists at the sky in frustration before quickly moving on to another legal jurisdiction whose laws comply more easily with their desire to commit pedophilia. 🤔🤷‍♂️

Songs By Bands I Love That I Don’t Understand Why Fans Seem to Love So Much, #2

This doesn’t necessarily mean I hate the song, I just don’t know why it has such exalted status with fans.

HUSKER DU: Makes No Sense at All

There are 7 songs off Flip Your Wig I like better, yet this was the big single from the album and the one apparently held by law to be included on every fan's Husker Du Top 10. 🤷‍♂️

When I Think About Going Anywhere Outside My Apartment Without Headphones

Oh Great.

It's hard to believe Trump would accept listening to someone with an ego the size of his own, but if Elon Musk becomes the voice in Trump's fat ears as the next President then trust me I say that we are, in a word, fuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

Things I Think

In terms of human history we're only a few generations away from people who literally never had any chance of ever seeing what their own face looked like.

An Xmastime Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to oh-so-matter-of-factly remind people at dinner parties that the original songs on Please Please Me were credited as McCartney-Lennon.

5. HA-HA!!

You can say what you will about Wile E. Coyote's maniacal thirst to eat the Roadrunner & what that says about his character but you cannot say he doesn't do it with whimsy. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you point out what a genius Wile E. Coyote is over a dozen years ago?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did!

A Note on The Daily Show

I mean can this Jordan Klepper motherfucker just go the fuck on ahead & play the goddam dad in a Family Ties movie already please?!?!???

Today's Tweet on What a Useless Piece of Shit Justice Alito Is Which Means He Fits in Rather Nicely with Most of His Fellow Shithead Judges

Movie Ideas. I Have Them.

We elect someone who is incredibly underqualified to the point of being dangerous as president of the United States solely because we can't stop being mesmerized at what a great breakdancer he is.

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!!! 💰💰💰💰

Thoughts. I Have Them.

The never-ending fear of migrants coming across us to kill us all that never actually happens is just the GOP's newer version of killer bees.

The Latest Jerry Seinfeld

After a few recent public missteps of him opening his mouth & stepping in it, now he's out there saying he misses real male masculinity.

Sigh. I feel like Jerry Seinfeld made it all the way to the one-yard line of life as a beloved man of mystery and now he’s about one interview away from deciding it’s very important to let us all know what his thoughts on black people are.

Note du Jour

Having a job interviewee quote something from my portfolio is of course good to someone with as small & petty of an ego as myself but I mean camon lady what're you tryna do here.

Things are Changing, People

For over 4 decades, Cheerios has been my favorite cereal. And by that I mean plain ol’ Jane Cheerios; I always allowed the “new” Honey Nut version to ride alongside my beloved OG Cheerios without really partaking myself, nodding my head at it with respect and a “good luck out there!” as I dug back into my beloved bowl of classic rolled oats.

But suddenly, and by that I mean over fucking night from what I can tell, Cheerios has joined the Oreos people/Doritos people/anybody making food people and suddenly there’s gazillion new Cheerios flavors to try. I was going to try one just so I could turn my nose up at it & continue to extoll the virtues of the old regular Cheerios but OMG the shit was so good I tried a second one and it was even better so now of course I am going to take you on a journey trying out each one. You’re welcome, Earf! 🤗🕺

VERY BERRY: A

OAT CRUNCH ALMOND: A+ (it's hard to imagine Cheerios topping this one, but I will let you know)

Photographic Evidence of Me Barely Escaping A Violent Death?

This has been the image on my work laptop screen for about a year now, it's from a picture I took on the Western coast of Ireland. It's always been a calming picture for me, one I like to look at every now & again and sigh about how much I was there again before diving back into work, until just now when for the first time I notice that thing all the way over to the right - what the hell is that thing??? The whole time I thought I was taking a photo of what would become a soothing memory & it tuns out I may have been capturing some sort of marine animal (and by that obviously I mean "Great White Shark or Even Worse") loading up for an (unsuccessful, thankfully!) attack on me & everyone I was with?!?????!

State d'Xmastime

Just dropped a “hold my calls” joke to a 27 year-old as I was walking out & he laughed so uproariously I thought he was being sarcastic but now I wonder if to someone who’s never known what real phone messages were I guess maybe it really would be that funny? 🤔🤷‍♂️

OMG Fucking Hilarious du Jour 🤣🤣🤣🤣

XMASTIME 15 Tears Ago Today

[NOTE: anyone who knows me knows I'm not joking when I tell you this is still one of my favorite days of all time 🤗❤️🥲🤣🤣🤣🤣]

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Staten Island Children's Museum

This is how a kid looks when he's about to hit the Staten Island Children's Museum with his buddies Big Bear, Husky and Op 2.0

Big Bear's fired up!!


Mamalizza's giddy!!


Aaaaaaaaaaand here's Watty.


Here come's NY's Bravest!!


BRAVEST guys, not SEXIEST!! Jesus!!!! Dial it down, fellas!!!!


Hmm. I wonder where the kids learn such things.

+

=

The Cheetos Dog. Yes ladies - single and looking!!!


"Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet? Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet? Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet?"


Finally. A group that will have me as a member.

THE COSBY SHOW: Season 2 Episode 2, "The Juicer"

And finally, we see what it takes to get Peter to talk: his gleeful disdain for the very idea of healthy eating.

New Brilliant Sketch Comedy Idea, You're Welcome

Wegman's du Jour

I'd never buy these instead of Wegman's normal canned vegetables - paying just 69¢ per can vs. $1.89 is too good to pass up - but I must say, I really like their packaging for them. 

CAMON WEGMAN'S USE THIS FOR THE NON-ORGANIC CANS TOO PLEASE!!!!

In America.

There is no number too high when it comes to paying to keep someone in prison and there’s no number at all when it comes to paying to keep a homeless person housed.

Movie Questions. I Have Them.

Is there a reason Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito have never teamed up for another Throw Mama from the Train double-murder flick? And why not? 🤔🤷‍♂️

I Mean I Hope He's Okay but This is Funny AF 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Questions. I Have Them.

Has there really never been a sitcom set in a casino? And why not? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh!

I was reminded by goofing around with my goddaughter this weekend that Bugs Bunny is still the funniest thing going after all these decades; I didn’t really NEED reminding (just 2 weeks ago I mentioned the same thing HERE) but I welcome any & all excuses to rewatch this scene of all scenes! 🤗🤣🤣

Something I've Noticed In This World

Anytime anybody who knew Chris Farley is being interviewed about him and finds themselves about to veer into some of his more serious & dark habits, they always pivot to talking about how surprisingly athletic & light on his feet he was.

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

To people who roll their eyes about the very real danger of Trump with “oh hush up it’s all been done before there's nothing new“ I say well cancer's been a real bitch for quite a while now and yet we're still trying to get rid of it right?

Welcome to My New Way of Living, People

Maybe once in this lifetime you get a moment while you think maybe the Universe has been lined up in a certain way just for you, and my moment is right now with the introduction of The Garfield Summer:

Garfield and I have a lot in common. We are both irritable, chubby, and hate Mondays. I deeply respect his simple ethos: Eat as much lasagna as you can, torment your enemies, and take plenty of naps. “All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep,” Garfield says. “There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But I hope not.”

This is a vibe I can really get behind. And so, while many may be envisioning their Hot Girl Summer, I am preparing to live my life like Garfield for the next three months. Instead of worrying about my “beach body,” I plan to lie around under a blanket, inhaling lasagna.

Conversaton with an Adult Woman

Her: (sigh) remember back when you were young & didn't have much money and you'd go out to dinner, and someone older with money would pay for it?
Me: Yeah. It was called "dating".

Bachelor Pad Coming Right Along

Thoughts. I Have Them.

The New York City subway system is an incredibly fascinating subject & I'll never forgive the one book I tried to read about it for being so goddam boring. 😔😡

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

I don't have a lot of regrets in this lifetime, but every once in a while I look back and wish I'd have taken a few minutes to walk around my train car & find out who this young Tammy lady was. 😔😢

HAPPY BIRFDAY!!

Happy the Big 5-0 to one of my all-time best friends Dave 🤗 🤗🕺 ; here we are a million years ago as young men being rakish men-about-town bon vivants!!

Speaking of Beverly Hills 90210...

...the episode discussed here has flowed into the next one on Pluto TV, meaning now we're in Season 5.

Season 5 of Beverly Hills 90210 was such an absolute-bananas-beyond-ridiculous-so-much-its-still-exciting-to-watch season that even with a lot of the glue to everything being Brandon & Kelly's burgeoning romance, i.e. the most stilted/non-heat/gross/boring couple ever, it didn't slow down this ridiculous avalanche of a golden, magical season of television for even a second.

AS I JUST SPELLED IT OUT FOR YOU PEOPLE 3 MONTHS AGO:

Is Season 5 of Beverly Hills 90210 the greatest tv season of all time? I mean ffs just at a quick glance we get:

The arrival of Valerie, the most cataclysmic addition to any cast since the shark in Jaws
The departure of Brenda byyyyyyyyyyyyye
Dylan's lost his fortune
Nobody cares but I guess we hafta mention Andrea has a baby
Brandon is dating Kelly behind Dylan's back in the world's most sexless relationship between two attractive celebrities
Dylan's drunken rampage that I guess was NOT supposed to be incredible comedy?
The whole Dylan/Val thing
Brandon runs for student government which for some reason is wildly cool to kids in college
Of course his running mate is killed
We met Ray Pruitt ooooh we hate Ray Pruitt!
Although camon this is hysterical
Brandon is asked to take down a brutal genocidal dictator from another country because of course that's what college student presidents do
The Peach Pit is born DID YOU HEAR THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING ELSE NO BIG DEAL THEY ALSO START THE GODDAM PEACH PIT!!!!
DYLANS GOT A GUN!! A moment so explosive it does the unthinkable and makes Brandon funny!!
Kelly is trapped in a fire because that's one of maybe 6 horrible things that hadn't happened to her - was there any conceivably dangerous plot line they didn't give Kelly? Kelly gets raped. Kelly gets raped AGAIN (attempted), and has to shoot the dude. Kelly gets shot randomly, Kelly lives in a gutter with other crack rats, Kelly almost gets killed in a fire, Kelly has every eating disorder (which at least gave us one of Xmastime's greatest posts of all time, thank you horrible Kelly!), Kelly was on the Space Shuttle Challenger, Kelly was on the Titantic, Kelly was at Dealey Plaza and Kelly sold victrolas in Nagasaki.
Milton Berle even wanders through an episode in his bathrobe for some reason
Dylan and Val go to Mexico to get Dylan's money back with some sexy cloak & dagger shit
The whole Kelly/Professor Finley thing
Nobody cares but Andrea has an affair
David ends racism, surprisingly not by agreeing to give up his "music" forever

And this is just this shit I have the energy to type about.

OFAH du Jour

As seen in the rather brilliant video below, Amazon designates each different Only Fools and Horses season by color. My obvious question is, why is the color to represent the iconic Christmas Trilogy of 1996 NOT either red or green - both are used for other seasons so you know Amazon is aware these colors exist - or even a mix of both for a little Christmas spirit?

Happy 75th Birthday Jim Broadbent

Cheers to the (Academy Award-winning) man who turned down playing Del Boy, which led to the beyond-iconic portrayal by David Jason. He was only in 3 episodes, but each moment he was onscreen was golden as the thorn in the guys' side since they were wee lads. Boooooooo, Slater!!! 😡🤗🤣

NEWEST PICKUP LINE TO TRY AT A WEDDING RECEPTION:

"So...do the curtains meet the drapes?"

Will keep you posted!

State d'Xmastime

I'm finally getting into using Siri to make my notes for the Notes app & so I've spent the last 49 hours staring at this wondering what the hell I could possibly have been talking about. 🤔🤷‍♂️

Your Jay Cartwright Brilliant Bullshit du Jour 🤣🤣🤣🤣

There are 3 things you need to know about European birds#TheInbetweeners pic.twitter.com/mcH3EhtB9g

— The Inbetweeners (@InbetweenerVidz) May 24, 2024

I'm Not a Bathroom Engineer but...

...but shouldn't the door for what is obviously the "here's the toilet paper" cabinet open the other way so that in case of an emergency you can grab another roll of toilet paper without having to get up off the throne? 🤔🤷‍♂️

State du Moi

Wait I know I’m on a bit of a cold steak but has it really been so long since I’ve made out with somebody that this is how people do it now????

Stax Doc

I have one episode left in the awesome Stax Records documentary and I’m embarrassed by how much I thought I knew about Isaac Hayes but still underrated what a true (young!) badass he was.

YOU PEOPLE NEED TO BE WATCHING THIS DOC!!!! 🤗🎸❤️

Camon Xmastime Be Better!

Me, every day at my office since March 2022: "this is so fucking stupid, why can't I find any fucking thumbtacks in the goddam office??!?!!"

Me, after having opened & closed my top desk drawer every day at my office since March 22:

Mr. Walsh Goes to Washington

I woke up this morning completely surprised by Bill Simmons dropping a podcast episode on the season 4 finale of Beverly Hill 90210 and I was of course super-thrilled and then I went to Pluto and it just so happens that the episode running on Pluto at this very moment is the exact same one on the podcast sooooooooooo now I'm worried someone's gonna suggest everybody spends the day doing each of my very favorite things before bringing me to "a farm upstate". 😬

Questions. I Have Them.

Over the years I've bitched & moaned about America's unyielding fetishism of worshiping the super-wealthy & believing they're just better human beings than everybody else; is the whole "parents dropping their kids off for the weekend with Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch" the earliest, most egregious modern version of this? If someone in a trailer park suggested you drop your kids off with them for a weekend you'd call the fucking cops, but a super-rich celebrity? "Here ya go buddy, I'll pick them back up on Monday and oh yeah one of them is allergic to peanuts we love you Michael!"

People are fucking nuts.

A Night in the Life

I’ve begun a nightly ritual of playing 2 Beatles singles while eating toast with gobs of butter like in old BBC kitchen sink dramas of the 1970s and dear reader I am here to tell you that yes, it’s all as delightful as you’re imagining it to be right now.🤗🎸🎸🥁 🇬🇧

TV Vetter: I Watch 'Em So You Ain't Gotta

Tires
Netflix

I went into giving this show a shot while holding Shane Gillis' lame bullshit in very low esteem & 20 minutes later found myself holding it in even lower esteem.

Thank You Abbott Elementary

I mean this is just straight to the Hall of Fame, hang it from the rafters with the other championship banners stuff. 🔥🔥 🤣🤣👏👏

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: when you get your first office job, always have two different people assigning you two different projects so that each person will think you're working on the other's project while you're tootsies-up blasting through one Wings binge-a-thon after another.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

A Day in the Life

My Metro car didn't have working a/c and as I was boiling I was about to be outraged at the guy next to me in a DC Metro uniform who was blathering away loud af into his phone until I realized he was yelling at the people who could fix the a/c and now I wish I'd had a sandwich or something to thank him with. 😔

Yep.

Can’t wait for Nikki Haley on the Sunday talk show circuit when she's confronted by an interviewer about her decision to vote for Trump & she goes on a 10 minute-run of her hack political talking points & then the interviewer nods his head & thanks her for coming on the show.

Mind Blown du Jour

I just realized that as of January 1 I will be living at a physical address which is also the exact same number as the current year we'll be living in.

TV Show Ideas. I Have Them.

Larry David should go back and recreate iconic Curb Your Enthusiasm scenes but from the other person's point of view.

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!!! 💰💰💰💰

State d'Xmastime

People like to roll their eyes or get upset about the prolific nature of Xmastime but I'm like well if you motherfuckers would just buy me a goddam wife to yell all these things to I wouldn't hafta write them online, so....that's on you guys. 🤔🤷‍♂️ 🤣🤣

Something You People Should Know About Me

12 year-old me would hate today years-old me but if I was asked to save either the NBA or Inside the NBA I would probably save Inside the NBA.

That said, an unleashed Barkley could make this next year the greatest lame-duck year in American history. 🤗 🤣🤣🤣🤣

An Excerpt from a History Book Written in the Year 3024

"In the end, democracy in America was thrown away in favor of a purposefully cruel authoritarian dictatorship because Americans decided the two most important things in life are desperately pleasing absurdly rich people and the opportunity to use the 'n' word without consequence."

Things Come. Things Go. Only One Remains Forever.

 

FOR SALE. Febreze Plug-In Shoes. Never Worn.

 

Thursday Morning Hot Take

The irony of Trump’s whole “the election was stolen!” thing is that based on what we know now about how many people have been seething with anger at Obama being our first black president & how incredible it is in retrospect that Obama even got elected once much less twice, John McCain & Mitt Romney would have the strongest case to wonder if their elections had been “stolen”.

OH YES YES YES YES YES!!

Still True du Jour

I Have Fucking HAD It!!

Where's the folk song about the hell I'm going through not being able to use the keyboard shortcuts for my emojis???!

Questions. I Have Them.

Between this and Beverly Hills 90210, is 1993 the greatest year ever for TV high school graduating classes? 🤔🤷‍♂️