Sunday, June 30, 2024
Questions. I Have Them.
Can I skip my usual process and just buy a goddamn carpet that has popcorn buried all throughout it already? 😡😡😡😡
Thoughts. I Have Them.
I'm watching episode eight of The Bear & it's me wonder that if evolution meant that sex feeling so good would led to more procreation so the species continued, then wouldn't the next logical step be to assume that eventually there'll no pain during childbirth, to make continuing the species that much easier & therefore more likely? 🤔🤷♂️
And yes while both Abby Elliott and Jamie Lee Curtis were amazing of course I tried to be a cynical dickhead throughout it which lasted right up until they dropped this scrappy little number below, I mean for god's sake people I am not made of stone.
Current(ish) Events
The biggest problems I had during the debate was Biden taking the bait with the fucking golf shit and then using the term "alley cat", I mean dafuck bro do you really think talking like the Katzenjammer Kids is really gonna help out your "I'm not ancient" case? 😬
Awwwwwwwww
Podcast Rec du Jour
Current Events
If I had to bet on anything right now, it's that Republicans are learning that someone PRETENDING to want to be a fascist dictator as president is more $$$$ than ELECTING someone who wants to be a fascist dictator; elections will be a constant “HITLER VS. DEMOCRATS FOR THE FUTURE OF EARTH!!” and they won’t win but the $$$$$$ will never dry up.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Your Sunday WINGS You're Welcome
Watching tv in the 80s & 90s was fucking bananas. I’m watching one of my favorite episodes of Wings and a one-time only character shows up and I’m like “hey, that’s the same actress who played a different character in 3 other episodes!” But I also remember those were the days when an actor could pop up as different characters throughout a series and nobody really remembered it, it wasn’t streaming over & over and almost nobody bothered taping these things every week so the forgettable factor was high.
But not only was the actor, Cathy Silver, a different character on Wings for three episodes, she was more recognizable than most struggling actresses in that role because she was already known for having been a semi-regular on Happy Days as Jenny Piccolo for a coupla years. I remember knowing this when she first appeared on Wings a million years ago; at the time it'd probably been less than 10 years since she was on Happy Days so my recognizing her wasn't even all that remarkable. So not only does Wings have this actress suddenly play a different character than the one she'd do on three other episodes (she played Sandy, a former classmate who has gone psycho and lives in a fantasy world in which she & Joe are together), it was an actress a lot of regular sitcom watchers would be familiar with.
And here's the funny part.
I was already laughing at the ridiculous of all this as the episode was ending, but then I realized what the next episode was: THE FINAL EPISODE SHE WOULD APPEAR IN AS THE OTHER CHARACTER!!!
So on top of everything else, they just fucking had her back on the show ONE WEEK LATER as a different character!! 🤣😂🤣😂
Speaking of The Times...
Frontier Reality (wink-wink)
I have no idea WHY the New York Times - or as I call it, The Times - is doing a random-ass article on PBS' 2001 reality show Frontier House but I am all here for it; it really was the last gasp era of letting ourselves be fooled that there was something noble about "reality tv" (personally I really DO believe there's value in such a construct but of course because of $$$ it's all become wall-to-wall screaming and flipping tables over (we even managed to fucking ruin Kitchen Nightmares for ffs)). I don't really remember the amount of personal drama that's in the article (this subhead about Real Housewives doesn't ring a bell at all for me about the show), but I do remember this:
3) I’m watching “Frontier House” last night, the show where it sticks modern families into 1880s Montana. Struggle to survive, build a cabin yada yada. Then they all hafta go get supplies, and we’re greeted by the grocer, a Korean named…I can’t remember. We’ll call him Sang. Sang tells us that about 15% of Montana was Asians, and they, you know, set up laundry business and small grocery stores. What? Did I hear correctly? Why not just send up a black guy to say that in 1880 Montana the blacks, you know, sold crack and ran hip-hop labels out of their mother’s basements. Unreal. Oh, PBS, you!!!
🤣😂 🤣😂
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't that EARLY early post of the old Xmastime classic series Things are Good include one of your favorite all-time jokes here?"
Sigh. Yes it did, faithful readers, YES it did:
“That’s right, $10 for me, or $25 for all three of us. No kissing on the mouth.”
Fart Machines...Nature's Truth Serum?
There's a lot to think about here - I've always been creeped out by Jonah Hill but want to find him delightful now that I know he has a fart machine, I love how much Leo seems to love the fart machine, I love the chutzpah of pulling it out when Meryl Streep's in the room, yada yada yada. But while I was trying to get a grip on what's the funniest part I saw Jimmy Fallon in the clip. I got no beef with Jimmy Fallon but his motherfucker spends every night on tv laughing his ass off at whatever any celebrity says whenever they open their fucking mouths, to the point at which he can be embarrassing, and yet he barely cracks a smile at the fart machine? 🤔
IS. JIMMY. FALLON. A FUCKING. PSYCHOPATH????
Opportunity's Knocking, WIll You Answer the Door?
I really don't know why there haven't been major biopics of both Charles Dickens and Charles Darwin. Dickens invented Christmas (sort of) and Darwin's Origin of the Species may still be the single greatest scientific breath-through ever until they figure out why my armpits start to smell like Taco Bell if I go a day without deodorant. I mean they made a movie about Robert Oppenheimer and it made a billion dollars and he's about 1/1000th as interesting as either of these 2 guys so I don't know why this seems impossible?
Yowza
A Thought Halfway Through Season 3 of THE BEAR
A real problem for me is realizing you know what this guy is still better off than 95% of people out there so how much more can I care?
Saturday, June 29, 2024
Playlist & Travel & Xmastime!
Marley's driving his son across the country start his new life as a film megasuperproducer (YES, people, I will allow myself a little credit since I was an earlier supporter HERE and HERE and HERE) and so me, him & Watty put together a playlist for them to listen to wherein we each pick our favorite song from each of the following:
The Beatles
The Stones
The Who
The Kinks
The Beach Boys
The Ramones
Wilco
The Clash
Lucinda Williams
Steve Earle
REM
Tom Petty
Talking Heads
Drive-by-Truckers
Temptations
Phil Spectator prod.
The Band
Bruce
The Velvet Underground
Ray Charles
Dylan
Of course such a task is impossible but we sure enjoyed doing it, and I hope ya'll enjoy listening to it. Enjoy!
Current Events
It’s gonna be fun watching MAGA twist themselves in knots over the next few weeks trying to explain what Trump meant by “black jobs” during the debate before he just goes on tv and says “I meant NBA players and rappers.”
Questions. I Have Them.
How disappointed do you think pioneer doctors out West were when the phone was invented? It used to be that 99% of the the time person in trouble died by the time someone was even able to track you down & get a hold of you so I mean how easy-peasy was that? But then the fucking phone comes along and people start expecting you to actually have to work on these people I mean fuck that right?????
Mind Blown du jour
More days have passed since the JFK assassination episode of Seinfeld than did between it & the JFK assassination.
In America.
So it looks like the Supreme Court - don't get me started on these pieces of shit - has now made it legal to arrest homeless people for sleeping outside. If you don't think this just another way to stockpile as many black people in prison then you are out of your goddam mind.
Homeless person is arrested.
Oh look, they can't pay their fine/court fees whatever even with their $0/year salary.
Guess they'll hafta stay in jail until they can!
Their $0/year job being homeless isn't enough to tackle the original fine, and oh gee whaddya know now late fees on top of it are mounting every day
They stay in jail, where the people who like the people on the Supreme Court like them
This is just like the Drug War, but made even more lethal because obviously all of these people are literally sitting/lying around and can easily be scooped up by any cop at any time, which is really useful for them since for some fucked up reason that we've all become numb to the fact that cops have fucking monthly quotas they have to fill out. Oh, and then at some point the homeless person gets sent off to a prison that oh gee what do you know, is privately funded $$$$$.
Awesome.
Homeless person is arrested.
Oh look, they can't pay their fine/court fees whatever even with their $0/year salary.
Guess they'll hafta stay in jail until they can!
Their $0/year job being homeless isn't enough to tackle the original fine, and oh gee whaddya know now late fees on top of it are mounting every day
They stay in jail, where the people who like the people on the Supreme Court like them
This is just like the Drug War, but made even more lethal because obviously all of these people are literally sitting/lying around and can easily be scooped up by any cop at any time, which is really useful for them since for some fucked up reason that we've all become numb to the fact that cops have fucking monthly quotas they have to fill out. Oh, and then at some point the homeless person gets sent off to a prison that oh gee what do you know, is privately funded $$$$$.
Awesome.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Growing older has its drawbacks but regularly finding yourself dancing in the kitchen all alone like an 80's teen movie trailer is not one of them.
A Thought on the Popular TV Series BEVERLY HILLS, 90210
After watching every episode approximately 45,000 times over 30 years, just now for the first time I heard myself think out loud: "you know, I just don't know if David even LIKES Donna." #beveryhills90210
It Ain't Easy Being Xmastime, but It Is Necessary
As you nice people know I live above a Wegmans grocery store, which means I'm there about 4 times every single day. If it's getting close to midnight & I've only been 2-3 times I feels myself getting a little antsy and I'll think of an excuse to go back down there again. (YES, down on deez nuts, congratulations my beloved feeble-minded audience grrrrrr.) So earlier today ("earlier today"...as opposed to later today in the future, idiot?) when one of the workers (very nicely) stopped me & if I needed help finding anything it was all I could to stifle my condescending chuckle & think of a scene from the single greatest book of all time about a certain lovable rapscallion's time as a Manny in Williamsburg, Brooklyn during the mid 2000s.
Xmastme On Xmastime (heh heh heh)
People always ask me "why are you so delightfully prolific, Xmastime?" and I always matter-of-factly respond rather handsomely that I figure if I eventually have every possible idea in the world then eventually some is gonna have to pay me for one of them. 🤔🤷♂️
NEW XMASTIME SERIES: Petty Album Liner Notes!
People if you don't think I can fall in love with such a low level of pettiness then you do not know me at all, people.
THE BEATLES
Yellow Submarine, 1968
LEVEL OF LINER NOTE PETTINESS: 6.6
MY ACTUAL ALBUM SCORE: n/a (it was never produced by the band to be a real album; also why the pettiness score is slightly lower)
A Moment, Llease.
THANK YOU MYSTERIOUS SQUARE HOLES IN MY BUILDING!!!
New Xmastime Series!
New Yorker Pizza
Leesburg, VA
Barf Scale, 1-10: 9.7
This will be a horrifying standard that will be tough to beat. And it's not like they took some gross photo of mushroom casserole with wolf nipple chips of some shit, this is PIZZA!! And they still made it look like something I just threw up that Scooter won't even pick through for parts. If pizza is like sex in that even bad pizza is better than no pizza I'd say this pizza looks like sex with pizza: a bad fucking idea. Jesus christ. I need to lie down after looking at this shit.
This Will Absolutely Happen Now
BOOK IT:
1. Trump uses Biden's debate as an excuse to bow out, says he feels sorry for Biden & realizes he wants to put his tootsies up & "spend time with his family."
2. BLAMMO his new BFF Biden pardons him for all his crimes.
3. Trump's happy b/c he's not in prison. Biden’s happy b/c he's president. Country’s fucking relieved it may last longer than March.
YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA!
Friday, June 28, 2024
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Something You Should Know About Me
New Xmastime Series!
I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!
He's in Love with Rock & Rock Whoa
NOTE: before asking no, I'm not offended the action figure doesn't include my white t-shirt against his leg as I'm sure this was made before that night at Irving Plaza, but thank you for having my back everybody!
Ah Yes....
Joie de Vivre
There are so many incredible people making incredible shit out there every day who are just screaming into the nothingness for nobody and I love them all. 🤗🤗🤗🥲🥲
Cool art pic.twitter.com/qmNlWG2ws1
— schuld (@schuld_eth) June 28, 2024
Time is Flying By
Superslice du Jour
This thing just keeps going up & up & up with no letup ever in sight and it's intoxicating; I remember whenever I'd hear this on the radio as a kid it always felt like my feet never touched the floor. Overlooked classic. You're welcome, Earf!
Questions. I Have Them.
Advice. I Have It.
I think if Democrats just calm down & watch Wings from now until November everything will be fine.
Debate Panic Wrapup
I'm not one of these Democrats panicking, tho it continues to astonish me that given everything we know about both men the future of American democracy rests on whether or not Biden stumbles while speaking, but I would like to post a few of my real-time(ish) Tweets to get a few laughs and then move the fuck on from this horseshit. Enjoy! 🤗🕺
OH FFS Already
HOW THE MEDIA WANTS YOU TO THINK THE WORLD WORKS:
(Guy orders a porterhouse at Peter Luger's)
WAITER: I'm sorry but the chef has informed me the porterhouse isn't available today.
GUY: Oh, I guess I'll just have whatever's in the toilet bowl right now then.
WAITER: Great, I'll be be back with your drink order.
Thoughts. I Have Them.
Watching Biden & Trump battle each other while Obama is still around must've been what it was like in the 70's to watch John & Paul go after each other while everybody's thinking you know, The Beatles are right there guys...?
Thursday, June 27, 2024
Dreams. I Have Them.
Sometimes I wish I was good enough of a guitar player to be interviewed about it just so I could casually point out that I've never seen anybody default so much to the A barre chord positioning while playing acoustic guitar as Jack Black has for decades now and people would have to listen to me going on about it for, oh, a little while.
Tonight's Debate is Just Too Depressing.
"If Trump makes it through these next 90 minutes without saying the n-word, American democracy will vanish" - CNN
I Fucking Hate Myself.
At work today somebody was telling me something Neil de Grasse Tyson had said about tidal locking and before I could stop I heard myself saying out loud "yeah, he's totally right" and so that's gonna be the rest of my goddam night now.
Qustions. I Have Them.
How can a believer of "the magic of the free markets!" and a believer of Creationism be the same person? 🤔🤷♂️
Dafuck du Jour
Mayor Pete for President Please
I'm not a "OMG THE DEMOCRATS NEED TO REPLACE BIDEN!!!" guy, I think he's been a great president so far and I hope he will be for another 4 years. However, if the Democrats haven't already started sending cases of whatever brand of Scotch Pete Buttigieg likes stuffed with cash to convince him to run in 2028 then I am out of ideas for these people; watching him today "spar" with Republican Congressman (videos like the one below have been popping up all day) are like the people who would show up to be interviewed for something and it would be Jon Stewart waiting with a notepad and they’d think “oh this will be good for me” while sitting down.
You guys wanna see a dead body…..here’s Pete Buttigieg fact checking that idiot Scott Perry to his face 🔥….Republicans still haven’t learned not to mess with him
— Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) June 27, 2024
H/t @therecount pic.twitter.com/LEJ0KRamVa
Speaking of Which...
...I don't wanna introduce a "oh fuck now i cant unsee it" thing here but the Hawk Tuah girl's kind of a hot version of Marjorie Taylor-Fuckface, n'est-pas?
Hawk Tuah Thoughts. I Have The
Glick Glick Baby!!
I squealed with glee re: the (hopeful???!) return of Martin Short's incredible Jiminy Glick character a day or two ago (I can't be bothered & I don't have the time to go back & look this shit up, even though I seem to have plenty of time to type all of this about not having time to type this stuff out out), and now he's done it again, this time with tv legend Sean Hayes and SPOILER ALERT it's fucking hilarious.
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “isn't Sean Hayes the cousin of your best friend from college, Uncle John? And didn't you spend a weekend with his family in the Catskills for Uncle John's wedding and they were hilarious and they thought you were hilarious but Sean wasn't able to come because Will & Grace had just started?"
Sigh. Yes he is, faithful readers, YES he is.
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “isn't Sean Hayes the cousin of your best friend from college, Uncle John? And didn't you spend a weekend with his family in the Catskills for Uncle John's wedding and they were hilarious and they thought you were hilarious but Sean wasn't able to come because Will & Grace had just started?"
Sigh. Yes he is, faithful reader
Enjoy!!!
Had the honor of being interviewed by the beloved Jiminy Glick on my birthday. I can truly say that my birthday is now complete. 🤣 #JiminyGlick pic.twitter.com/KGSIlHxvbo
— Sean Hayes (@SeanHayes) June 27, 2024
I Got the Broke-Down No Count Goddam Escalator Blues, Baby
CLICK HERE FOR PREVIOUS ESCALATOR BULLSHIT
Goals. I Have Them.
I'm gonna start surprising people by asking them who's on their "Mount Rushmore of Beatles".
Wednesday, June 26, 2024
Also Happy Birfday!
To Mick Jones, whose firing from The Clash is one of the dumbest decisions in the history of rock & roll. It's a miracle that we have video of him surprising Joe Strummer at a show just a month before Strummer's death, and them playing one last classic together.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
HAPPY BIrfday....
...to NYC punk rock guitar legend Ivan Julian!!!
Ivan of course recorded the drums for the classic Hayday album So Far, So Good, So What, oh yeah also was in Richard Hell & the Voidoids and OH YEAH played on a Clash record and oh ffs has a Clash song NAMED AFTER him!!!!! 🤯🎸😜🤗🕺
Questions. I Have Them.
Nobody else finds our country's weird way of delivering a subpoena to someone demanding them to appear in a court of law as mostly seeming to be loosely based on the same idea as the Duke Boys being safe from any trouble at all as long as they literally made it back to Uncle Jessie's house? Nobody? 🤔🤷♂️
The Ramones du Jour
Just a perfectly-recorded, definitive live version of one of my favorite songs of all time at the exact perfect time in the band's history to record it for posterity. 🤗🕺🎸🤗🤗🤗
Something You Should Know About Me
I will only eat a sandwich/burger if the cheese is on top of the meat; if you bring it to me with the cheese underneath the meat I will simply flip the entire sandwich over & eat it right in your face so you'll fucking learn.
This is What We're Doing Now?
I guess this means that one day in the future I eventually will learn to like broccoli thanks to my favorite Funnel cake Broccoli Kebabs (trademarked!)
Guys...
Beverly Hills, 90210. A Note, If You Will. Again.
Earlier today I applauded the writers of Beverly Hills, 90210 for showing some restraint and I hafta say I'm doing the same thing today as it's occurred to me how shocked I am that they never had Brandon play the ridiculous 80/90s trope of "white guy discovers geriatric blues musician who never got his due & tries to get him the credit he deserves" trope; the entire scenario was just sitting there waiting to be plucked and again, to the show's credit, they never tried tasting that previously oh-so-generously-juicy fruit.
Bullshit du Jour
8) "I Cant Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar is on the radio right now. Genius. Songs about love, hate, life, death - no thanks, said Sammy. I'm gonna write a song about driving a car really, really fast. Well, at least faster than the posted speed limit. Well, until I get pulled over. Wouldn't it have been fucking GENIUS for Sammy to release an updated version when the speed limit got upped to 65mph years ago? "Fuck you pigs, I'm STILL speeding!" I would hope people wouldn't think that Sammy would still be driving just over 55mph now. - XMASTIME
Beverly Hills, 90210. A Note, If You Will.
Eventually all the characters pretty much end up fucking each other at one point or another, but thank God the writers had the brains to restrain themselves from ANY flirtation of ANY kind with ANY Dylan/Donna romance. That would've absolutely broken my goddam generation to pieces, although there's something to be said about the fact that we all woulda been together on the same side of horrific indignation.
Portrait of the Artist Becoming Raskolnikov
Three Godawful Sins Committed by THE OFFICE
1. Kevin wearing empty Kleenex boxes as shoes for Jim & Pam's wedding - even for Kevin this was just way too stupid; nobody on Earth would show up anywhere like that much less a wedding, especially when it wasn't actually Kevin's fault anyway and when everybody else got out of the wedding he'd have a funny story to tell them at the reception. Maybe they thought it would be a funny visual gag but it's just too stupid for planet Earth. Oh -AND Jim & Pam didn't even want him at the wedding in the first place so he shoulda just been happy to use the shoes as an excuse to skip the ceremony for the reception just like any normal person would be hoping for anyway.
2. The whole Michael & Jim as co-managers thing - obviously it's way too implausible that a manager of 12+ years would suddenly be fine with someone else who's worked under him for years & years suddenly being his equal but it also revealed the worst of Jim, whose "I deserve better than this place" looks & jokes made us feel empathy for him before but once he was "co-manager" everything he said just made him sound like a dick, partly of which was due to the fact that he treated Michael like a baby once they were equals which they never should've been in the first place. THANKfully this whole beyond-stupid arrangement was quickly aborted.
3. Scott's Tots - not the premise, which I remember thinking was genius when it was first revealed, but....nobody checked in throughout the last 10 years to make sure this random guy who promised these kids the Moon was actually going to follow through? They made it seem like even though they'd never heard from him in 10 years they were all fully expecting him to pay off his promise, even while they were basically at the last minute before college. Someone even said "I was counting on that money!" and it's like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I know as an audience we're supposed to hate Michael for this but the idea that nobody would bother to confirm over 10 years and parents would actually factor it into how they saved or didn't save money for college is just batshit insane and they should all feel lucky they got laptop batteries out of him in the end. Cringe-inducing, but not in a good comedic way.
2. The whole Michael & Jim as co-managers thing - obviously it's way too implausible that a manager of 12+ years would suddenly be fine with someone else who's worked under him for years & years suddenly being his equal but it also revealed the worst of Jim, whose "I deserve better than this place" looks & jokes made us feel empathy for him before but once he was "co-manager" everything he said just made him sound like a dick, partly of which was due to the fact that he treated Michael like a baby once they were equals which they never should've been in the first place. THANKfully this whole beyond-stupid arrangement was quickly aborted.
3. Scott's Tots - not the premise, which I remember thinking was genius when it was first revealed, but....nobody checked in throughout the last 10 years to make sure this random guy who promised these kids the Moon was actually going to follow through? They made it seem like even though they'd never heard from him in 10 years they were all fully expecting him to pay off his promise, even while they were basically at the last minute before college. Someone even said "I was counting on that money!" and it's like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I know as an audience we're supposed to hate Michael for this but the idea that nobody would bother to confirm over 10 years and parents would actually factor it into how they saved or didn't save money for college is just batshit insane and they should all feel lucky they got laptop batteries out of him in the end. Cringe-inducing, but not in a good comedic way.
I do, however, love this moment from Oscar and could watch it over & over forever. 🤣
@riddlis The Office - Oscar Southern Accent #theoffice #theofficeus #oscar #southern #funny #funnyvideos #stevecarell #funnymoments #accents #hahaha #sketch ♬ originalljud - Alexander Jonsson
Tuesday, June 25, 2024
Thoughts. I Have Them.
It shouldn't just be "Trick or Treat!", it should be “Trick or Treat or Tell Me Something About Being a Grownup!"
(Knock at front door)Them: Trick or treat or tell me something about being a grownup!
Me: my buddies & I used to talk about pussy all the time, now we mostly talk about whoever's doctor appotinemnt is coming up next
(Shuts door)
Hold Up.
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