Small Role Movie MVP

Dodgeball ref.

Life is "Sacred"

Dreams Extremely Deferred

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College Fruition

I wrote HERE a few months back:

I've noticed that college has become one of those rare things that the more useless and market-flooded it is, the more expensive it is. What the hell does being a college graduate even mean anymore?

Looks like college costs are really going off the rails; there's an article HERE wherein the question of higher education being priced out of the hands of the non-extremely wealthy:

The public has become all too aware of the term "bubble" to describe an asset that is irrationally and artificially overvalued and cannot be sustained...Is it possible that higher education might be the next bubble to burst? Some early warnings suggest that it could be.
Consumers who have questioned whether it is worth spending $1,000 a square foot for a home are now asking whether it is worth spending $1,000 a week to send their kids to college. There is a growing sense among the public that higher education might be overpriced and under-delivering.
According to the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education, over the past 25 years, average college tuition and fees have risen by 440 percent — more than four times the rate of inflation and almost twice the rate of medical care.

But as much as the costs, the key word from the above is "under-delivering" - with rare exception, the proliferation of meaningless college degrees has meant that the job market is flooded by under-achieving graduates from under-delivering colleges, with results as I mentioned:

Whereas decades ago the C- student would be working at a factory building parts to reinforce bridges, today's C- student is your financial adviser. Is this the right direction to be going?

So if ONLY the super-rich get to go to college, is that necessarily a bad thing? Maybe by eliminating many of the "baby-sitting" colleges that are worthless, thousands more kids will be forced to either do actual work, or truly be entreprenuers themselves:

Either they come up with something for themselves like an invention, or a restaurant, or they join a trade or company that actually does something. This country was built on the masses building and working on shit that actually mattered. Surely there's a connection between the fact that our complete infrastructure is in dire need of repair after all these decades, we don't manufacture things anymore, we're running out of money, and yet at the same time we have millions and millions of cubicles in offices filled with people in nebulous jobs who had enough money to go to college, graduated, and then got into the "Gentleman's Club" of office jobs that nobody really knows what it is they do. Like the middle class itself, the "middle class" of the work force seems to be disappearing - either you're working at McDonald's, or you have a corner office at Capital One in which you instant message your friends all day while making $120/year.

Of course, that would still mean that the richest of the rich would still rule the "meritocracy" of higher education. How do we save the middle class AND make a college degree worth something again? As usual, Xmastime has the genius fucking answer:

So either we hafta completely surrender to the dilution of the college degree and admit that most students are there because their parents are rich enough to stash them away somewhere and 95% of them don't fucking matter, or we have to reverse the course and make a college degree mean something. My solution is that college should be completely free, but almost impossible to get and stay in. Yes, if you have a 4.0 in high school you may go to college. Get your first B, and you're out. Tough shit.

Will that ever happen? Of course not; we are a nation constantly looking to price ourselves out of whatever we can. But it will be interesting to see how far colleges can push the envelope re: price before they go too far. I for one am not interested in mortgaging my house so my kid can go to Dickfuck U. cause he screwed around in high school like his old man. Or cause he's blind, crippled and crazy like his inevitable mother.

Of course, the odds of any of these people, or "my house" ever existing are slim, so. Cough.

Hold the Fuck Up.

The Leader of the Free World gets shit for speaking at Notre Dame, but Mary, Ho & Shirley can prance around Touchdown Jesus? Am I fucking high???

Ground Zero XXX

I don't really give a shit re: what they do with Ground Zero; I'm not dumb enough to think that WHAT we do is really gonna make a difference in showing the rest of the world, terrorists included, how AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING!!!!! we are.

But I do think we look like idiots for taking so LONG to fucking do whatever we're gonna do. As in it only took 9 1/2 hours for John Wayne Bobbitt to get his dick sewn back on, and we're taking at LEAST a decade to throw up some buildings? REEEally?

I'm a Genius (Duh)

One cool thing about having a blog of my own is that it sometimes shows me that I'm even more brilliant than I had already thought. For instance, a few months ago I wrote that although his presidency will reign forever as the shittiest of the shitty, I said that Bush the GUY would come to be likable:

Like I was saying - if you don't actually have to live under Bush and be directly affected by him being such a shitty president, it's easy to see a video like this one and think well, he seems to be trying. He's kinda bumbling, and he has to do some "re-takes," but he seems somewhat sincere, and nice. He seems perfectly likable here...

As time goes on I'm sure Bush's approval rating will edge up slightly, much like a ballplayer whose Hall of Fame numbers go up for no apparent reason. Make no mistake - he still will be viewed as one of if not THE worst presidents ever. He deserves his ranking. But if they play their cards right, coupled with our natural tendency to soften with age, it's possible to turn Bush back into a somewhat likable guy.

According to THIS GUY, the softening/liking is already happening. I didn't picture it happening this quickly; but then again I didn't assume Dick Cheney would launch himself into some supremely buffoonish media-hogging cartoon nonsense that makes Bush look better and better the longer he stays tucked away in Texas with his mouth shut. Bush's downfall as president may have been his surrounding himself with people even dumber than himself, and now it looks like his resurgence in popularity may come from the exact same reason.

But mostly, let's simply remember that Xmastime is a goddam genius.

Cameltoe

Botox is a Helluva Thing

Blown Opportunity

I really wish the Octomom was smoking hot. I mean, how awesome would it be to live in the same universe as an OCTOMILF? Right? Fucking a. Right number, wrong fugly face.

What the World Needs: Another Fugly Bitch with Nothing to Fucking Do. Awesome.

Because I’m a complete homo who works for a completely homo mag, I stumbled upon an article about the Iraq jerkoff from Real World: Brooklyn. And I see he’s dating Baya, who was the only even remotely cute chick from the cast. Most years, she woulda been maybe the third hottest GUY, so.

Anyways for some reason I went to see if there were any pics online to “post a letter” to, wink wink, and I found her “official website.” Which includes her "Calendar of Events." I guess this is her way of telling us don't call her on the phone and wake her up, cause May is when she curls up in a furry loser ball and hibernates. SSSSShhhhhhhh!

Shocking News...

...apparently people pay money, in 2009, to go to Tone Loc concerts. Amazing.

My Lovely Baby Bumps

I can't swing my e-dick online without hitting some story about some celeb's suspected baby bump. How is it that nobody's done a parody of that awful Fergie song, and call it "My Baby Bump"? Do I really hafta thing of EVERYthing?

What you gon' do with all them kids?
All them kids up in your guts?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my baby bump.
My bump, my bump, my lovely baby bump (oops, I just peed a little)

Dammit! Grow Up, Man!!!

My Office Crush has been out exactly one day; yet I just found myself thinking about having stirrings for the girl IN THE OFFICE RIGHT BESIDE HERS!!!!!! Good lord. “Hey, she kinda looks like my OC...”

Wtf - what kind of imaginary relationship am I putting together here? Can I not be a grownup; committed and true? For fuck’s sake. Turns out on my fantasy love life, I'm a lothario, bird-dogging bad boy! NOT GOOD!!!!!!! :( (crushing imaginary beer can against forehead)

I'm Sooooo Mysterious

I love tuna fish out of a can, but I hate fish. I love chicken, but I do not care for chicken salad.

Sigh.

Is there no answer to the riddle that is Xmastime?

Sigh.

Grant Hart

I've been so excited about going to Louis Lunch next week, I've almost forgotten the whole reason we're going to CT in the first place is to catch a show with Grant Hart, an all-time Xmastime guy who for over two decades has seemed almost incapable of writing a song that wasn't outrageously melodic.

Ten Super Slices:

Terms of Psychic Warfare
Old Empire
Turn on the News
Pink Turns to Blue
Books about UFOs
Keep Hanging On
Sorry Somehow
Green Eyes
Flexible Flyer
No Promise Have I Made

Sigh. (Heart)

I’ve let it be known on these pages that Jenifer Aniston is a Mrs. Xmastime; I would run over Angelina Jolie with a truck to get my snout up in that taut, tiny little rim. And now it looks like we even have stuff in common:

“But, as she got lonelier and the shoot for her new movie wore on, she started reaching out to him, sometimes very late at night and sometimes after a few too many glasses of wine.”

Fucking christ. Drunk smoke signals, drunk Pony express letters, drunk telegrams, drunk dialing, drunk texting and drunk blogging. What will science come up with next that I can completely humiliate myself with?

Sigh. Jen: drunk strip-o-gram me! I’m here for you, baby!

Oh No! Time To Panic!!!!!!!

Paula Abdul's blood/alcohol content is going down!!!!!

"Elections Have Consequences"

I don't know what's stranger...Charles Krauthammer as a voice of reason, or this.

INteresting....

So tonight Dubyanuts and Bill Clinton are going to “debate.” I use quotes because 1) it’s not a real debate of back and forth apparently, just statements directed at a moderator. Yawn. And also 2) I sense that Clinton has a soft spot for Bush; maybe cause he's close to his Pop now. I feel Clinton would not go for the jugular, and will just be palsy-walsy with him.

But I can't help but notice that the 're doing it on JFK's birthday. Who was killed in Dallas. Where Dubyanuts now resides.

Now, I'm not saying he shot Kennedy. I have no proof. But I hafta admit that I also have no proof that he DIDN'T shoot him. I mean, this is a guy for whom there's 18 months during which we have no idea of what he did or where he was. Can I really say I know exactly where he was on November 22, 1963? No, I cannot. So I’d hafta say the odds that he WAS there right now are the same that he WASN’T there.

Again - I don't wanna cause mass hysteria by saying Dubyanuts shot JFK. But the more I type, the more likely it seems. I feel like I need to demand Bush prove he DIDN'T shoot Kennedy. And that makes me sad :(

Office Crush

Ohoh...I just overheard that someone has “taken over” for my Office Crush cause she’s “been out.” ????????? Wtf??!?!?!?!!?

God I Love Corporate America

For Josefine!

2 layers: 30 years to the date you were born, and you better hate ketchup!!! :)

True Wife Confession

Confession #079

Your bizarre need to lock the bathroom door? When have I EVER busted in and watched you use the toilet? Never. I could care less what you are doing.

Susan Boyle

The thing I don't understand about Susan Boyle is why she hasn't been famous for 20 years already. I mean, the thing she says in her audition is "nobody ever gave me a chance."

What?

I know tons of people who sing/play in bands etc. I know a lot of people who can play well, who can sing great with a band, and can write great songs. Of these, I know maybe two whom I would consider were stitched from the stars above to privilege us with their musical talent. But I don't know anybody who could just walk up to any street corner in America, start singing, and fucking stop traffic. And that includes Bruce. And anybody else in any band you and I love. But Susan Boyle could. But this woman, are you telling me at no point in her 48 years did somebody notice? Really?

Hey, Roy Orbison wasn't pretty either. And I cry my eyes out whenever he sings. Just like I do with Susan Boyle. She is a force, we are lucky to have found her, and she is a reminder of the vast difference between REAL talent and the shit the rest of us try to pull off on a daily basis.

Staten Island Children's Museum

This is how a kid looks when he's about to hit the Staten Island Children's Museum with his buddies Big Bear, Husky and Op 2.0



Big Bear's fired up!!



Mamalizza's giddy!!



Aaaaaaaaaaand here's Watty.



Here come's NY's Bravest!!



BRAVEST guys, not SEXIEST!! Jesus!!!! Dial it down, fellas!!!!



Hmm. I wonder where the kids learn such things.

+

=

The Cheetos Dog. Yes ladies - single and looking!!!



"Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet? Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet? Are we a class of invertebrates within the arthropod phylum that have a chitinous exoskeleton yet?"



Finally. A group that will have me as a member.

Still Waiting for an Answer..

...re: why does the refrigerator have a light, but not the freezer? Wtf?

Blog Role

"For shame - do I need to quit my job and start my own blog?" - The Gnat

With that comment in response to THIS POST, The Gnat actually hit upon something I've been meaning to say for a while:

He's gay.

HIYOOOOO!!!! No no, I'm kidding.

Before the internet and blogs, if you didn't like a tv show, or radio channel, the flip response was "if you don't like it, change the channel!" And you could either turn the channel or turn it off; but that was about it. You couldn't really decide "dammit, Hardcastle should be the goofball, McCormick the tough-ass!!!!" and make a television program out of it that people could actually watch. But with a blog, YOU CAN. If you don't like what a blogger is writing then sure, you can just choose to never go to his/her site again. But you could also decide you wanted your own blog wherein you could make your own points that maybe run counter to the blog you dislike. Or hell, you can create a blog that simply says "XMASTIME LOVES THE TERRORISTS, DO NOT GO TO HIS SITE!!" every 30 minutes. Either way, it's yet another way the blogworld opens itself to anybody and everything.

Even if we still gotta come up with a cooler name than "blog." Ugh.

Admirable.

I would think they would have been checked off the list when the Republicans decided to become the party of the willfully ignorant/determinedly stupid. So I really hafta step back and admire such surgical precision and thoroughness in putting out a memo to make sure that nobody who ever went to Princeton votes GOP again. Kudos.

The GOP isn't Leaving Anytime Soon

There's a lot of hand-wringing by the right re: "Is the GOP Done?" these days. As if the whole damn party is gonna go away, defeated forever. Which I just don't see happening - let's be honest; as long as there is a good chunk of the population that believes in fairy tales, they'll always have a base. I mean, which one SOUNDS better if you ask someone on the street?

"We're gonna have the greatest country in the history on the world! But you're gonna hafta actually, you know, PAY for it."

"We're gonna have the greatest country in the history on the world! AND you won't hafta pay a DIME for it! No taxes!!!"

Obviously the second one SOUNDS more attractive. You'll always have enough stupid people falling for this; throw in keeping your guns/the sanctity of the unborn and your precious hetero marriage, and I refuse to believe the GOP won't be in good enough shape to mount a comeback.

Of course, at no point do these fairy-tale believers actually ask the GOP to be accountable. I mean, for all their talk has abortion gone away? Nah. And while haltingly so, gay marriage is inevitable.

And the biggest pipe dream of all, the Utopia of "Land of No Taxes!" is never gonna happen either. Your taxes may dip, they may rise, but they're never going to disappear enough to be able to applaud Santa Reagan for getting rid of them once and for all, or even in a very noticeable way. I would suggest that instead of investing one's time and energy in the Easter Bunny one accepts that he/she will be paying taxes, and then actually demand they be put to good use.

But instead, people just keep falling for this time and time again; their own Charlie Brown to the GOP's Lucy with the football. And so the GOP will always have enough idiots to prey on come election time. Ironically, it's because of their old disparaging line about Democrats: "Republicans Fall in Line, Democrats fall in love" - luckily for the GOP, there will always be about 25% of the voters who are eager to fall in line AND love....for wasteful fantasies that will never come true.

WELL Well Well...How's Thing's Going Since You Ditched Xmastime for "Other Projects," Douchebag?

"Not so great."

Checkmate

NERDHAPPY has a running series of CHESS BATTLES FROM HEAVEN, which I liked so much I kept meaning to parody it, wherein I take on geniuses in heaven and crush them, "Da Bears!"-style. But I'm lazy, so I never got around to it.

Then today he posts THIS, which reminded me of the Chess game that came with my computer that I've forgotten about after going about 0-341 a few months ago. I just opened it up and launched a typical Xmastime attack: immediately set out the pawns to be destroyed so that they're not cluttering my shit up as I try to singe-handedly win with my Queen. Which, as you can see below, took about 14 seconds to get my ass handed to me. Good lord. Opponent didn't even bother having the decency of slaughtering my pawns first.

Ah, Sweet Turd Blossom

The Rovian Flu strikes again.

Outrageous Bushian irony aside, the fact is Rove is not wrong about this comment:

Rove- “I know lots of stupid people who went to Ivy League schools.”

Yes. They're called "rich people."

How it possible...

..that it's been over 24 hours and no one's done a version of this with Sonia Sotomayor, calling it So-So from the Block?

DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING FOR THE GOP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DA Gayz

I don't envy the people who hafta try and come up with asinine reasons to make it illegal for gay people to get married - first of all ANY thinking must be hard cause they're prolly idiots in the first place, and secondly it's just not an easy job for anyone. So it's with some sympathy I listen to this jackoff (from SURPRISE!! Texas!) try to do it.

His assertion that if gays start marrying society will stagnate is fucking stupid. Two gay dudes probably have never had this conversation:

"Man. We can't get married."
"Dammit. Well, I guess we'll hafta break up."
"Yeah. And get married to women and have kids."
"Goodbye, Adam."
"Fare thee well, Steve." (long kiss goodbye.)

Heterosexual people who fall in love and wanna get married and have children will continue to do so. Heterosexual pepole who fall in love and get married and dont wanna have children will continue to do so. Heterosexual people who fall in love but don't wanna get married but live together will continue to do so.

And gay people will simply keep living together. I'm almost 100% sure they're not gonna give up being gay and start cranking out kids to push society along.

Race II

When I heard Rush Limbaugh had called Sotomayor a "reverse racist" I wondered what that even meant. Matt Yglesias thinks an example would be white people hating white people. I had thought it might mean LOVING somebody of another race because of their race instead of hating them for it. Regardless, what's bigger - Rush's titties, or Seattle?

Fireside with XMASTIME

Race

It's a shame Sotomayor can't put on a cowboy hat and a drawl and clear some brush so we all think she's some sort of white, non-elitist Everyman we'd like to have a beer with; then we wouldn't hafta hear things about "identity politics," since obviously now she's going to break the record for being Latina while desperately shoving it down our throats. I'm pretty sure she'll fall asleep on the bench with some ox-tail in the corners of her mouth while a mariachi band plays at 300 decibels next to her.

White males only have one identity: ALL-AMERICAN!!! Love it or leave it, Paco!!!!!

Hey, here's someone else who was too stupid to not be born white & rich:

Healthcare Made Easy for You People Determined to be Too Stupid to Understand It

via Yglesias:

Much as Canadians have the option of going to America to buy health services, Americans will always have the option of going to America to buy health services. But for most Americans, buying health services is difficult because health care is expensive. Obama’s proposals are aimed at making it possible for more people to afford health care. If what you have instead is money burning a hole in your pocket that you desperately want to spend on health care, nobody is going to stop you.

Op

The Ballad of...

Youngstown is a shitty song; luckily, Bruce always pairs it with Murder Inc so if you wanna go take a shit, eat a sandwich and then rub one out you can. Godawful songs.

However, I accidentally heard some of it tonight and thought I heard Bruce sing "Danny Heater"...but I misheard; turns out that in the song he sings "Danny Heaton." Which is too bad, cause if he had been singing The Ballad of Danny Heater, I might've given two shits.

Sorry Boss!

God

I do not believe in god; to do so in my own mind is folly. ESPECIALLY when I see shit like this.

Now, super-christians will say "that's God's way of teaching us something!"

Really? There's a "lesson" there? What lesson's that? Anybody learn anything from this? Yes? No?

Thousands of 4 year-olds have died every year since the dawn of man. That would be thousands of years of God's "lessons." Yet kids still die every year.

TO SUMMARIZE:
There is no God. But if there is, he's really shitty at the job.

Reading

Like youth itself, great literature is wasted on the young. When I was a young college student, I'd read a book and think am I being entertained? Do I like/dislike this? Do I like/dislike this character? Do I give a shit? Now when I read something I think oh man, I know somebody JUST like this/that, boy I've gone through this/that. I know EXACTLY what ---- is thinking here. Less has to be said by the author for me to say oh man, I know what's happening, don't do it!!!!! etc. The older I get, the more reading is an endless stream of personal connections.

Also - don't read Whitman til you've been in NYC for awhile (even if only a coupla weeks.) I remember that hitting me in the noggin back in 1998.

California Fagz

On one hand, I'm rolling my eyes re: the absurdity of the whole thing. Congrats CA, you're now behind Iowa in the Progressive Olympics. Which pretty much puts you behind John Lithgow in Footloose. On the other hand, I guess I'm relieved that as of right now there's only 18,000 couples that are consumed with destroying the sanctity of my own hetero marriage. Well. When it happens.

Susan Boyle

A coupla weeks ago I wrote about Susan Boyle HERE. Now I've seen her do Memories. Camon. If Susan Boyle doesn't win whichever show she's on, the planet needs to stop turning. Seriously. She is so far beyond anyone else anyone has ever seen on these shows, it's absurd they're even continuing the "contest." And anyone who votes for anybody else is pretty much just a fucking idiot.

Anatomy of a Date Rape

STEP 1: "Hey, let's take a picture! This is great! Drink your roofie-politan beer!"



STEP 2: "That's not a pack of Life Savers!"



STEP 3: "Whoops, you can feel that?? - have another drink!!!!"



(Step 4 confiscated by State of New York)

RED ALERT !!!!

NOW where am I gonna get my "I'm fucking Grandma - dusty!" tweets??!?!??!!!!!

The Perfect Shitstorm

OH MY GOD...2 guys from Van Halen, one from the Red Hot Shitty Peppers and the wankiest shit-guitar player in the world??!?!? REALLY??? Can a shittier “Supergroup” even be possible? Can Fred Durst be the official shirtless dancer? Oh my god. If I had to put together a band that would push me over the edge and force me to take that final step off a fucking bridge, this would be it.  I wouldn't wipe my ass with this album - since as an old girlfriend once said, my ass has a (sic) taste. Ugh.

Well, That's Just Fucking Great

The minute I join a gym, science decides to stop making exercise an effective way of burning fat.

The authors conclude that while people do burn more fat when they are exercising than when they are not, they have no greater ability to burn fat over the next 24 hours than on days when they are couch potatoes.

“If you exercise and replace the calories you burn, you’re no better — with regard to how much fat you burn off — than if you didn’t exercise,” says Melanson. “It’s not that exercise doesn’t help with weight loss,” says Melanson. “It’s that it’s harder to lose weight with exercise than diet.”

I gotta do rice cakes and eat grass? Really? :(

Saw this first a few weeks ago HERE.

Dreams I Have

Sometimes I think I'd like to randomly choose someone I know, and send them a constant stream of handwritten letters via snail mail, like the ones Michael J. Fox read to that illiterate family in Doc Hollywood. Just random, daily ramblings mostly about characters I make up. Write it out, lick a stamp and send it. Hmm.

Sotomayor

The first thing I heard this morning from the GOP is some of them are "worried" that she isn't "smart enough." And over at RedState they're musing that she is "intellectually shallow." Which is funny, cause I would think a rather tangible way of showing someone how smart you may be might be to go from living in a housing project in the Bronx to finishing first in your class at Princeton, and then go on to become a federal judge as appointed by the president. I guess that's not enough; I guess there's some vague, nebulous measure for intellect that somehow only GOP congressmen are privy to. Or maybe they're concerned that she's smart, but not smart enough to be born into one of the richest, most well-connected good 'ol boy families in the country. We'll see.

UPDATE: ah yes, more proof that she's a fucking idiot HERE. Compelling!

RED ALERT!!

They're coming to take our jobs!!!!

Eagerly await Michelle Bachmann's first "is she an illegal?" comment...I got 2:30pm in the office pool.

It's Sotomayor

Let the CRYBABY GAMES BEGIN!!!

Will be fun to watch.

Why Aren't These People Running the Country??!???!!!!

Last night I caught the end of some doc about the Apollo Space Program (narrated by Tom Hanks of course), and at the end they showed a list of the people that have been killed while in the program. I saw the list and thought..."that's it?" There were 22 names. For almost half a century we have been putting people into little vehicles (the earliest of which are the size of your big-screen tv) and using outrageously combustible fuels mixed with enough energy to blow up the planet and shooting them into outer space - either to orbit around the Earth at about 25,000 mph, or to land on a moon we hoped wasn't made out of blue cheese when we got there. And only 22 people have died doing this!!!!

Number of people killed in space program: 22
Number of people killed by vending machines EVERY YEAR: 13

Wow.

Big Bear...

...LOVES the troops! :)

Legacy

Apparently there is only one remaining World War I veteran; my thinking is we should send someone with a tape recorder and try to squeeze anything out of him that we can. Cause I was watching D-Day: The Price of Freedom last night, and you can talk about freedom and heroes til the cows come home, but it takes an old-timer reflecting on the event near the end of his own life to say the one thing from the hour I will always remember: him guiding the landing boat towards the beach and some guy telling him to get close enough so that he doesn't get wet when he jumps out.

Fireside with XMASTIME

Free Mike Vick

Th rumors are that the Cowboys might be interested in Michael Vick, and you're goddam right I want him. He's paid his debt to society; plus, he's never been any kind of "clubhouse killer" the Cowboys haven't minded grabbing throughout the years. Unless puppies start playing for the Cowboys I doubt we'll ever hear a peep from him outta the locker room. Has anyone ever even heard Michael Vick speak? Nyet.

BUT!!

I don't want him at qb. Not because I don't think he could be a good quarterback, but that I think he's wasted there. Think about it - as a qb, by definition his job is to get the ball to SOMEBODY ELSE. He either turns back and hands it someone with less talent, or drops back and throws it to somebody with less talent. Yeah every once in a while he'll break outta the pocket, but that's rare by design. Wouldn't you be scared shitless if on every play you knew that the ball might END UP in Vick's hands instead of BEGIN in Vick's hands?

Also, him being qb means nobody has to really cover him. Put him as some combination rb/wr, and I promise you there will be 2 people dogging him the whole time. Now you've gone to your best player using up at least TWO players on defense instead of ZERO. Defenses would be in a sheer panic looking for him on every play. To me this is a fucking no-brainer. Vick is too good to be a qb; let Tony fucking Homo hand the ball off to people.

Hot Lunch

Are we supposed to be impressed with this? I mean, one time at lunch in high school I ate 15 rolls. And, as Vince Ball marvelled the whole time, WITHOUT ANYTHING TO DRINK!!!!!

Plus, shouldn't something called "Hot Lunch" involve my ass and your face anyways?

Sorry kids, but you ain't gonna live forever. Eat 15 rolls in one sitting, then you're gonna make it heaven. And learn how to fly (HIGH!)

Jo Bros

Yeah I do it a lot as it is, but the perfectionist in me tells me that I should spend more of my time trying to figure out which Jonas brother is gonna break out first as a gay porno star solo artist. Camon, Xmas - focus!!

A Modest Proposal

If newspapers are gonna keep crying about going out of business cause of the internet, why don't they follow the internet model and give out their papers for free? I'm sure they make whatever money they do off of advertising anyway - why not try a last-ditch "fuck it, take it but please look at our Nike ads" effort? If it works, good for them. If not, they're going in the shitter anyways. Do I hafta save the newspaper industry too? Fucking christ.

PUBLISHED!!!

The NY Observer printed an editorial I wrote re: the role of tertiary markets in the ongoing cap and trade debates; for the link click HERE.

Get Right with Gordon

I've lamented here before how the American version of Kitchen Nightmares is unwatchable due to the screechingly loud music at all times and the over-emotionalism (every second we're led to believe a fight with metal folding chairs will break out.) Also formulaic as my breakdown HERE suggests.

And in watching a marathon of the first season of Hell's Kitchen you can really see how shitty that show has become over the years; each season has gotten more and more Americanized re: unnecessary noise that drives you insane. The first season there were actually quiet moments, and you can hear people talk - whenever Ramsay does yell and scream it's for a reason (and often laugh-out-loud funny.) Recent seasons they simply show him ranting and raving with no context alongside blaring "music." Would be nice to go back to the style of the first season.

Of course none of that matters, as Little Gordon is on the way!!! :)

Have I mentioned I've met Chef Ramsay? Cough. No big deal.

I'm Confused

How come the CIA can have it's morale completely shattered by something Nancy Pelosi says, but not by our jumping into a coupla wars instead of trusting them to quietly do the job they've always done?

"You Had Me at 'Seamen'"

Video Showdown

When I was 10 years old, both of these songs came out, both by Elton John, and I love em both. Which one do you like better?


I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues


or

Sad Songs (Say So Much)

Slice

Nobody else seems to remember her follow-up to Bette Davis Eyes; but I remember her awesome backups during the chorus here. Made the song. Love it!

Super Slice

(even with the subtitles, which i dont remember in the movie as a kid...and by "as a kid" i mean "the 14,000 times I've seen it since")

Jim Steinman + Bonnie Tyler + Lori Singer = SLICE!

Car Doors

Why do car doors open in a counter-clockwise direction as opposed to a clockwise one (as did many when cars where first invented)?

Opening a door in a clockwise manner, you only need to twist and turn you body about 10-15 degrees to get out (if that); doing the opposite means you hafta go at LEAST 45 degrees; in many times, it's more like 60-70 degrees. How many people have hurt themselves doing this? Who knows; is there a cumulative strain effect on the back? Maybe. Why the hell do the doors open this way?

Yankees

Even without Peter Abraham, who is out for the week (of all weeks!!) the LoHud Yankees Blog is my slice, and "Sam" asks a very real question: Is this the best homestead ever?

A-Rod had a good quote in the postgame scrum, saying, “Right now, I’m probably the happiest .200 hitter in baseball.”...

As I was driving home, I was thinking about the insanity of this homestand. I’m not nearly enough of a historian to know where this one ranks in history, but I’d have to think it’s among the most exciting the Yankees have been involved in. Consider this day-by-day:

May 15 vs MIN: Brett Gardner hits inside-the-park home run and ninth-inning triple, then scores winning run on Melky Cabrera’s two-run walkoff single.
May 16 vs MIN: A-Rod gets his first hit at new Yankee Stadium with game-winning two-run homer in the 11th inning.
May 17 vs MIN: Johnny Damon gives Yankees third-straight game-ending hit with 10th-inning home run to win it. Yankees clubhouse chefs put rush order on more whipped cream.
May 18 vs MIN: Mark Teixeira homers from both sides of the plate and the Yankees reverse their magic, scoring six in the first inning instead of rallying late.
May 19 vs BAL: A-Rod and Teixeira homer again and Yanks score seven runs in the seventh inning to turn a tight game into a laugher.
May 20 vs BAL: Yankees hit three homers in a row in the second inning and blast Baltimore to back Phil Hughes. As games on this homestand go, a pretty boring night.
May 21 vs BAL: Joba Chamberlain goes down two batters into the game after being hit by a comebacker, but the Yankees bullpen doesn’t break and they win again, their ninth in a row.
May 22 vs PHI: Jimmy Rollins homers on the very first pitch of the game and the Yankees don’t recover, finally losing.
May 23 vs PHI: Back to old reliable – the walkoff. Down two in the ninth, A-Rod hits a two-run homer to tie it; Melky Cabrera drives in Robinson Cano with the winner moments later.

So, to sum up: That’s eight games, seven wins, four walkoffs. Oh, and by the way, the pitching match-up for today’s homestand finale is CC Sabathia vs. Cole Hamels. Not a bad stretch of baseball, right?

Unreal.

Ladies Night!

LAST CALL!! LAST CALL! LAST DANCE TO YANK OFF YER PANTS!!

This is IT ladies; last song, let it all hang out!!!! Jump in a pile together, strip down to your drawers like in Valley Girl (or Grease if you're old) and let it alllllllllllllllll hang out!!! Remember how we started this tonight: WHAT A FEELING!! Let's DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies Night!

Curveball, ladies - but guess what? Lock arms, and DANCE!! Your fellas by this time are outside fighting (probably in your pee!!!!) SISTAHS DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES ON THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy - The Ohio Express

Ladies Night!

Ooooooh, time to put on our cowboy hats ladies! Seems like a good time to go outside, pee in the bushes (maybe cry a lil bit? yes?) YOU'RE SO HOT WHEN YOU PUKE IN THE WOODS!!!

Metal Firecracker - Lucinda Williams