Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
IllWill learns a joke.....and it ain't in his pants this time.
Was just a young buck, still lived in Essex with the rest of the Wilson's and my days consisted of being Xmastime's wind up doll as he desperately wanted to get laid. Knowing all girls love a good joke, he taught me this one and had me repeat it to anyone and everyone.
Told in a scruffy, I work in the mines and by no means would ever vote for a black president voice:
So I walk into the barbershop the other day. I says to the barber. "How much for a cut?'
Barber man says "Dollar".
I say, "How much for a shave?
Barber man says "50 cents".
I say "SHAVE IT!!!!"
I have never once laughed at that joke nor received a laugh from anyone but Xmastime.
Told in a scruffy, I work in the mines and by no means would ever vote for a black president voice:
So I walk into the barbershop the other day. I says to the barber. "How much for a cut?'
Barber man says "Dollar".
I say, "How much for a shave?
Barber man says "50 cents".
I say "SHAVE IT!!!!"
I have never once laughed at that joke nor received a laugh from anyone but Xmastime.
Big Xmastime Ups
Now taking applications for my next guest blogger at xmastimer@gmail.com
People Xmastime Likes - TourGuider
guest post by MARLEY
Asks trenchant questions of his or her generation, such as "Is Nirvana the best we can do?"
This is a study of a cranky elitist in the making -- http://tourguider08.blogspot.com/2010/02/our-place-in-history.html
Anti-Facebook, free pornography, and Google maps????? Fall of the Roman empire references? An attack on egalitarianism ("any jackoff king in his basement reading blogs is not the same as George Will")?
There will be order!
Asks trenchant questions of his or her generation, such as "Is Nirvana the best we can do?"
This is a study of a cranky elitist in the making -- http://tourguider08.blogspot.com/2010/02/our-place-in-history.html
Anti-Facebook, free pornography, and Google maps????? Fall of the Roman empire references? An attack on egalitarianism ("any jackoff king in his basement reading blogs is not the same as George Will")?
There will be order!
People Xmastime Likes - Tinsel and Rot
He got a pic with Benmont Tench, which is awesome!
People Xmastime Likes - The West Wing
An execrable show, perhaps the worst influence on American politics since extension of the right to vote to non-landowners. Worse, the show may have hamstrung President Obama with a starry-eyed subset of his constituency who believe all the good and right policies they champion were only stifled by the absence of common sense, the urge to do good and the lack of a real-life Sam Seaborn.
There are other reasons to dislike the show.
* Snappy patter (Aaron Sorkin does Pat and Mike)
* Stock characters (our White House heroes only err because they "care so much")
* Gutlessness (what was President Bartlett's scandal? Sex tape with his brainy doc wife? DUI? Nope. He hid his MS. Awwwwwww.
* Self-congratulation
That said, I like the fact that the GOP Speaker of the House was
Dan from Roseanne.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Marley and Me part I
guest post by illWill
At first I thought Marley grading me was lame. After I realized that it is actually lame, I can't have my brothers buddy looking so lame. So I am grading him:
IllWill
A game effort. Thanks. I have some thoughts. Doubtful.
1. Avoid ALL CAPS. It's a lazy route to emphasis. Didn't know the blog had to follow the Chicago Style Manuel.
2. Unabomber, not "Unibomber" Didnt have time to google how to spell Unibomber as I was too busy trying to buy your album online. But since you were in a band before the internet, it was tough.
3. Attention to detail is important. I read "Fuck it, here loss" and immediately began looking for the loss. That's actually what he said, ass.
4. The story is kind of faggotty (you don't want to say this - "of course I was ecstatic" - about getting a call from another man). I'm left to wonder exactly how much "Greg has had [your] back." You have seen him. I have been locked up, but noone can handle a man like Xmastime. Hence his current relationship status..
5. "Senior year was the tits" and "general ballyhoo"? One minute, you're Ethel Merman and the next you're Lord Palmerston. We call that versatility.
C+ If you didnt tear up after that story, you don't believe in America.
At first I thought Marley grading me was lame. After I realized that it is actually lame, I can't have my brothers buddy looking so lame. So I am grading him:
IllWill
A game effort. Thanks. I have some thoughts. Doubtful.
1. Avoid ALL CAPS. It's a lazy route to emphasis. Didn't know the blog had to follow the Chicago Style Manuel.
2. Unabomber, not "Unibomber" Didnt have time to google how to spell Unibomber as I was too busy trying to buy your album online. But since you were in a band before the internet, it was tough.
3. Attention to detail is important. I read "Fuck it, here loss" and immediately began looking for the loss. That's actually what he said, ass.
4. The story is kind of faggotty (you don't want to say this - "of course I was ecstatic" - about getting a call from another man). I'm left to wonder exactly how much "Greg has had [your] back." You have seen him. I have been locked up, but noone can handle a man like Xmastime. Hence his current relationship status..
5. "Senior year was the tits" and "general ballyhoo"? One minute, you're Ethel Merman and the next you're Lord Palmerston. We call that versatility.
C+ If you didnt tear up after that story, you don't believe in America.
Grading IllWill's Essay
guest post by MARLEY
A game effort. I have some thoughts.
1. Avoid ALL CAPS. It's a lazy route to emphasis.
2. Unabomber, not "Unibomber"
3. Attention to detail is important. I read "Fuck it, here loss" and immediately began looking for the loss.
4. The story is kind of faggotty (you don't want to say this - "of course I was ecstatic" - about getting a call from another man). I'm left to wonder exactly how much "Greg has had [your] back."
5. "Senior year was the tits" and "general ballyhoo"? One minute, you're Ethel Merman and the next you're Lord Palmerston.
C+
A game effort. I have some thoughts.
1. Avoid ALL CAPS. It's a lazy route to emphasis.
2. Unabomber, not "Unibomber"
3. Attention to detail is important. I read "Fuck it, here loss" and immediately began looking for the loss.
4. The story is kind of faggotty (you don't want to say this - "of course I was ecstatic" - about getting a call from another man). I'm left to wonder exactly how much "Greg has had [your] back."
5. "Senior year was the tits" and "general ballyhoo"? One minute, you're Ethel Merman and the next you're Lord Palmerston.
C+
From IllWill, Xmastime's Biggest Fan, yet Smallest Brother
ig brothers are around for 2 reasons. To beat the shit out of you, making sure you know that nothing you do or say is right or cool. And in moments they will never admit to, offer advice that can absolutely change you direction and views. Realize however, that the advice is never to not listen to them as they may be wrong about you being a faggot.
There is a bit of an age difference and I am a TAD bit younger then Xmastime, (a gentlemen nor a younger brother has no place revealing that his 2nd oldest brother is 12 years older then him). Even someone like the Unibomber knows it just aint right to beat up on someone so little. And with glasses. And who had the voice and mannerisms of the most lady like of girls. So really in the few and fleeting moments Xmastime and I did interact, he always knew what to say to make me laugh or realize, wow, I may not be the gayest/dumbest kid around.
And since I am my brother's brother, let's go back to October 2002. Senior year at New Kent High School, New Kent Virginia. I was not able to grace the halls of Essex High School with my presence because when it came down to entering high school, the school board sat down and said simply, "hereos come and go, but legends never die" which I took to be about Xmastime. I took that as my cue to look elsewhere for my public school education. Looking back, they did seem a little drunk and maybe they just really like baseball movies, but like my vision, hindsight is 20/20.
ANYWAY...back to me. I get a call from Xmastime, which he can admit, we don't talk nearly enough, and back then I know he would just go through the motions. So of course I was ecstatic. After the quick hellos were over, he goes "So I hear ya have a girlfriend". He was right. Senior year was the tits. New car, went to the state championship in football and just general ballyhoo. Trivia: which Wilson is the only Wilson to NEVER have a team MISS....one more time MISS the playoffs? Another one: Who is the only Wilson to ranked in the state for ANY sport (15th fastest time in the state) Wow, this is fun, who is the only WIlson to register a tackle in a state football championship, and not at the single A level in which even Corky could get some pt?
BACK TO ME. So I jump in....."Oh yeah she is the be......." End of me. Xmastime goes into a personal anecdote about his high school sweet heart/obsession of years to come. "Ah young love....." I don't remember the whole story because I had to put the phone down to finish homework, use another phone to call said girlfriend, get the 8 hours of sleep a backup to an all state d-back needs, wake up, go to school, go to football and cross country practice, get my haircut, drive home, have dinner with the family, take care of more homework, watch the film Gettysburg but by the time I picked up the phone (which had turned into an iPhone) he was winding down and said "first love, its the best. there is nothing better in the world then that feeling. No drug, game winning TD, or anything else feels better. She may dump you after this call (makes sense, it had been days) or you will marry her, but appreciate every moment". I of course only heard "You will marry her". Obviously things didn't work out. There is only so much romance one woman can take, Especially at that age. Of course I was heartbroken, but not bite your fist and have you best friends mommy comfort you while even she had a look like....what the fuck, how can someone be so gay? And who gives me a ring? Xmastime. "Ah heartbreak...." I immediately went back to the week long first love conversation and thought fuck......better talk to the registrar's office about the 6th year plan. "Fuck it, here loss. You're in college, there are 8233240834 girls that will want (and eventually did because...I am my brother's brother) bang you. Have fun in college brah! I remembered college and being in a fratern......" And in May of 2008, one year longer than it takes most, Xmastime finished that call and I had a diploma and was living in Denver, Colorado.
See his advice changed but was right both times. Not just sort of right, but completely right. We are all the biggest fans of Greg. You all get to see him everyday in NYC and I through the years have seen and gotten to know him better. I know it's tough when you are so much older but he really did make the best effort to get to know me. We also know heartbreak can be devastating. But with a big brother like Greg, no matter what you do or say, he may make fun of you (if he thinks you can take it) but there is no one on this planet more fiercely loyal then he. Through the years while never being at my side, Greg has had my back. Took to long in college? "Who cares....STAY THERE". Little trouble with the law? "AH brah! We all fuck up, your safe and we love you. Moving to denver? "Denver?! What the fuck I'll never see you. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since I live 4 states away and don't see you". The man has a way with words and once in his circle, you are set for life. People have laughed at his jokes for years, let him into their homes, even put their children in his care and no one has been disappointed. His money is your money, he will take his gout stricken body across town in a second's notice if need be. He will even give you the "Slice Come Plain Only" shirt off his back for you. Not many people, even me, can boast that.
So there it is. Why my brother is one of the best guys in the world. You don't believe me? Then you are an idiot. Just try giving him a call at the end of your worst day and see if you aren't having the best day after that.
Here you go Greg "Xmastime, Somehow, Amazingly, SIngle, Ready to Meet Your EVERY Desire" Wilson. Not only adorable, but sums it up.....
P.S. Ladies, I know what you are thinking. A younger, handsomer, Wilson brother? Hands off, I am taken. But still send me information because like big bro says, she could dump me tomorrow.
There is a bit of an age difference and I am a TAD bit younger then Xmastime, (a gentlemen nor a younger brother has no place revealing that his 2nd oldest brother is 12 years older then him). Even someone like the Unibomber knows it just aint right to beat up on someone so little. And with glasses. And who had the voice and mannerisms of the most lady like of girls. So really in the few and fleeting moments Xmastime and I did interact, he always knew what to say to make me laugh or realize, wow, I may not be the gayest/dumbest kid around.
And since I am my brother's brother, let's go back to October 2002. Senior year at New Kent High School, New Kent Virginia. I was not able to grace the halls of Essex High School with my presence because when it came down to entering high school, the school board sat down and said simply, "hereos come and go, but legends never die" which I took to be about Xmastime. I took that as my cue to look elsewhere for my public school education. Looking back, they did seem a little drunk and maybe they just really like baseball movies, but like my vision, hindsight is 20/20.
ANYWAY...back to me. I get a call from Xmastime, which he can admit, we don't talk nearly enough, and back then I know he would just go through the motions. So of course I was ecstatic. After the quick hellos were over, he goes "So I hear ya have a girlfriend". He was right. Senior year was the tits. New car, went to the state championship in football and just general ballyhoo. Trivia: which Wilson is the only Wilson to NEVER have a team MISS....one more time MISS the playoffs? Another one: Who is the only Wilson to ranked in the state for ANY sport (15th fastest time in the state) Wow, this is fun, who is the only WIlson to register a tackle in a state football championship, and not at the single A level in which even Corky could get some pt?
BACK TO ME. So I jump in....."Oh yeah she is the be......." End of me. Xmastime goes into a personal anecdote about his high school sweet heart/obsession of years to come. "Ah young love....." I don't remember the whole story because I had to put the phone down to finish homework, use another phone to call said girlfriend, get the 8 hours of sleep a backup to an all state d-back needs, wake up, go to school, go to football and cross country practice, get my haircut, drive home, have dinner with the family, take care of more homework, watch the film Gettysburg but by the time I picked up the phone (which had turned into an iPhone) he was winding down and said "first love, its the best. there is nothing better in the world then that feeling. No drug, game winning TD, or anything else feels better. She may dump you after this call (makes sense, it had been days) or you will marry her, but appreciate every moment". I of course only heard "You will marry her". Obviously things didn't work out. There is only so much romance one woman can take, Especially at that age. Of course I was heartbroken, but not bite your fist and have you best friends mommy comfort you while even she had a look like....what the fuck, how can someone be so gay? And who gives me a ring? Xmastime. "Ah heartbreak...." I immediately went back to the week long first love conversation and thought fuck......better talk to the registrar's office about the 6th year plan. "Fuck it, here loss. You're in college, there are 8233240834 girls that will want (and eventually did because...I am my brother's brother) bang you. Have fun in college brah! I remembered college and being in a fratern......" And in May of 2008, one year longer than it takes most, Xmastime finished that call and I had a diploma and was living in Denver, Colorado.
See his advice changed but was right both times. Not just sort of right, but completely right. We are all the biggest fans of Greg. You all get to see him everyday in NYC and I through the years have seen and gotten to know him better. I know it's tough when you are so much older but he really did make the best effort to get to know me. We also know heartbreak can be devastating. But with a big brother like Greg, no matter what you do or say, he may make fun of you (if he thinks you can take it) but there is no one on this planet more fiercely loyal then he. Through the years while never being at my side, Greg has had my back. Took to long in college? "Who cares....STAY THERE". Little trouble with the law? "AH brah! We all fuck up, your safe and we love you. Moving to denver? "Denver?! What the fuck I'll never see you. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since I live 4 states away and don't see you". The man has a way with words and once in his circle, you are set for life. People have laughed at his jokes for years, let him into their homes, even put their children in his care and no one has been disappointed. His money is your money, he will take his gout stricken body across town in a second's notice if need be. He will even give you the "Slice Come Plain Only" shirt off his back for you. Not many people, even me, can boast that.
So there it is. Why my brother is one of the best guys in the world. You don't believe me? Then you are an idiot. Just try giving him a call at the end of your worst day and see if you aren't having the best day after that.
Here you go Greg "Xmastime, Somehow, Amazingly, SIngle, Ready to Meet Your EVERY Desire" Wilson. Not only adorable, but sums it up.....
P.S. Ladies, I know what you are thinking. A younger, handsomer, Wilson brother? Hands off, I am taken. But still send me information because like big bro says, she could dump me tomorrow.
People Xmastime Likes-Backstreets
guest post by MARLEY
Xmastime likes Bruce Springsteen?
Okay, I'm a fan of his records. And I kind of like him, but he caught Steve Earle-itis and I'm of the "shut up and sing" contingent. And then he goes and talks to Rolling Stone
Did you ever go to a therapist or seek help like that?
Oh, yeah. I mean, I got really down. Really bad off for a while. And what happened was, all my rock & roll answers had fizzled out. I realized that my central idea — which, at a young age, was attacking music with a really religious type of intensity — was okay to a point. But there was a point where it turns in on itself. And you start to go down that dark path, and there is a distortion of even the best of things. And I reached a point where I felt my life was distorted. I love my music, and I wanted to just take it for what it was. I didn't want to try to distort it into being my entire life. Because that's a lie. It's not true. It's not your entire life. It never can be.
And I realized my real life is waiting to be lived. All the love and the hope and the sorrow and sadness — that's all over there, waiting to be lived. And I could ignore it and push it aside or I could say yes to it. But to say yes to part of it is to say yes to all of it. That's why people say no to all of it. Whether it's drugs or whatever. That's why people say no to all of it. Whether it's drugs or whatever. That's why people say no: I'll skip the happiness as long as I don't have to feel the pain.
So I decided to work on it. I worked hard on it. And basically, you have to start to open up to who you are. I certainly wasn't the person I thought I was. This was around the time of Born in the U.S.A. And I bought this big house in New Jersey, which was really quite a thing for me to do. It was a place I used to run by all the time. It was a big house, and I said, "Hey, this is a rich man's house." And I think the toughest thing was that it was in a town where I'd been spit on when I was a kid.
Add to that the fact that his band is now a Vegas act.
THE E STREET BAND IN "CATS!"
And then he did StoryTellers, where he'd sing his songs just with an acoustic guitar, but stop after every line to explain, "Well, Mary's dress really wasn't waving when I wrote that, but I was thinking of the American flag and the tattered dreams of the heartland and the broken promises of our government and . . . where was I? Oh yeah. (strum) Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays. In this line, the radio is a metaphor for the the stirrings of a new voice and the porch is oak. No. Pine."
He's a myth and myths should not be caught grocery shopping or otherwise letting us peek behind the curtain.
Xmastime likes Bruce Springsteen?
Okay, I'm a fan of his records. And I kind of like him, but he caught Steve Earle-itis and I'm of the "shut up and sing" contingent. And then he goes and talks to Rolling Stone
Did you ever go to a therapist or seek help like that?
Oh, yeah. I mean, I got really down. Really bad off for a while. And what happened was, all my rock & roll answers had fizzled out. I realized that my central idea — which, at a young age, was attacking music with a really religious type of intensity — was okay to a point. But there was a point where it turns in on itself. And you start to go down that dark path, and there is a distortion of even the best of things. And I reached a point where I felt my life was distorted. I love my music, and I wanted to just take it for what it was. I didn't want to try to distort it into being my entire life. Because that's a lie. It's not true. It's not your entire life. It never can be.
And I realized my real life is waiting to be lived. All the love and the hope and the sorrow and sadness — that's all over there, waiting to be lived. And I could ignore it and push it aside or I could say yes to it. But to say yes to part of it is to say yes to all of it. That's why people say no to all of it. Whether it's drugs or whatever. That's why people say no to all of it. Whether it's drugs or whatever. That's why people say no: I'll skip the happiness as long as I don't have to feel the pain.
So I decided to work on it. I worked hard on it. And basically, you have to start to open up to who you are. I certainly wasn't the person I thought I was. This was around the time of Born in the U.S.A. And I bought this big house in New Jersey, which was really quite a thing for me to do. It was a place I used to run by all the time. It was a big house, and I said, "Hey, this is a rich man's house." And I think the toughest thing was that it was in a town where I'd been spit on when I was a kid.
Add to that the fact that his band is now a Vegas act.
THE E STREET BAND IN "CATS!"
And then he did StoryTellers, where he'd sing his songs just with an acoustic guitar, but stop after every line to explain, "Well, Mary's dress really wasn't waving when I wrote that, but I was thinking of the American flag and the tattered dreams of the heartland and the broken promises of our government and . . . where was I? Oh yeah. (strum) Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays. In this line, the radio is a metaphor for the the stirrings of a new voice and the porch is oak. No. Pine."
He's a myth and myths should not be caught grocery shopping or otherwise letting us peek behind the curtain.
People Xmastime Likes - Thunder Pie
guest post by MARLEY
"This blog is open to invited readers only"
"This blog is open to invited readers only"
Won't you let old Marley in?
People Xmastime Likes - The Rambler
guest post by MARLEY
Just another one stuck in your file
And then dropped like I was bile
Does one ever really hold bile?
Won't give you that piece of me
You've got to come take it
Can't let myself really see
So I'll just fake it
There is a scene in Disclosure where Demi Moore actually is starting to fellate Michael Douglas, and he says, "No, no." And he gets up and out of fealty to his wife, he resists.
I didn't buy that and I don't buy The Rambler's "fake" orgasm.
Laurina was a girl I met in New York in the program. She was dark, jaded, beautiful, and damaged. Naturally I fell for her -- The Rambler
She worked in the hospital and we were on the seventh floor sitting in the cafeteria breaking up. Both of us dressed in our uniforms. She in her usual hospital garb, a blue skirt and a blue blouse with her Social Services ID badge pinned to her chest and me in my normal office greens. Her tall lanky body was awkward and uncomfortable in the small red plastic chair, her skin was translucent, and her big apprehensive gray eyes were trapped underneath tortoise shell oval glasses. God, I didn’t want to hurt her -- Ethan Hawke, Ash Wednesday
Just another one stuck in your file
And then dropped like I was bile
Does one ever really hold bile?
Won't give you that piece of me
You've got to come take it
Can't let myself really see
So I'll just fake it
There is a scene in Disclosure where Demi Moore actually is starting to fellate Michael Douglas, and he says, "No, no." And he gets up and out of fealty to his wife, he resists.
I didn't buy that and I don't buy The Rambler's "fake" orgasm.
Laurina was a girl I met in New York in the program. She was dark, jaded, beautiful, and damaged. Naturally I fell for her -- The Rambler
She worked in the hospital and we were on the seventh floor sitting in the cafeteria breaking up. Both of us dressed in our uniforms. She in her usual hospital garb, a blue skirt and a blue blouse with her Social Services ID badge pinned to her chest and me in my normal office greens. Her tall lanky body was awkward and uncomfortable in the small red plastic chair, her skin was translucent, and her big apprehensive gray eyes were trapped underneath tortoise shell oval glasses. God, I didn’t want to hurt her -- Ethan Hawke, Ash Wednesday
People Xmastime Likes - Retotted
guest post by MARLEY
Retotted hasn't posted since April 2009. In fact, her post total for all of 2009 was 6. For this, she is to be commended (I sense she doesn't really buy into this blogging-as-diary thing, and her first post bears me out).
This was funny:
I am getting older and not any prettier. When I was young and cute, I just completely discounted older people. Now, I treat young people the way that older black men in the south treat white people. "Oh yes maam..blaaaaah, etc, Fucking cracker. Yeah, I once had a 20 inch waist too, cracker.
Retotted hasn't posted since April 2009. In fact, her post total for all of 2009 was 6. For this, she is to be commended (I sense she doesn't really buy into this blogging-as-diary thing, and her first post bears me out).
This was funny:
I am getting older and not any prettier. When I was young and cute, I just completely discounted older people. Now, I treat young people the way that older black men in the south treat white people. "Oh yes maam..blaaaaah, etc, Fucking cracker. Yeah, I once had a 20 inch waist too, cracker.
People Xmastime Likes - Burgers!
guest post by MARLEY
I can't find Island Burgers & Shakes on the site.
I don't even live in NYC and I know this is the best burger in the world.
I can't find Island Burgers & Shakes on the site.
I don't even live in NYC and I know this is the best burger in the world.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
People Xmastime Likes - The Girl Who
guest post by MARLEY
Currently, this is The Girl Who is regaling us with her financial battle. She seems to be doing well, and enjoying it ("I am so turned on by the thought of paying off debt and saving some serious cash. Like, rub my nipples while talking dirty to my dwindling credit card balance, turned on"), though I question her paying her father first. He won't sue, he won't even utilize the services of a collection agency (which can have a profound effect on your credit rating).
Her struggle did remind me (though it is in no way similar) of an unintentionally funny piece by a New York Times economics reporter who decided he'd write his own, "This economy is so bad that even me, a New York Times economics reporter, got overextended and gulled by the subprime mortgage fiasco" piece.
Except, on reading the article, it turns out that the economy had less to do with his economic troubles than the fact that he appears to be really stupid. The evidence:
My $120,000 base salary and my assets were easy to document. But given my actual income after alimony and child support, I couldn’t possibly have qualified for a standard mortgage . . .
In the euphoria of moving in together, we both succumbed to magical thinking about ourselves, as well as about money. My fantasy was that Patty [his new wife] would become an ambitious go-getter. “This can really be an exciting new chapter of your life,” I kept telling her. Patty had a very different dream. “I feel as if I am finally at home,” she exclaimed as soon as we moved into the house. She could settle down and do the things she had always been best at: making a new home, nurturing her children and loving me. One way or another, she figured, we would earn enough money to make good on our glorious gamble.
We had very different ideas about money. Patty spent little on herself, but she refused to scrimp on top-quality produce, Starbucks coffee, bottled juices, fresh cheeses and clothing for the children and for me. She regularly bought me new shirts and ties to replace the frayed and drab ones in my closet . . .
Our debt spiraled up faster than I had ever dreamed possible. Chase Bank had cold-called me to offer a “platinum” card with no interest charges for the first six months. I took them up on it and shifted $3,000 in debt from my old card onto the new Chase card. But instead of paying down the balance before the interest charges began, I let it balloon to $6,000 . . .
Between humongous loan balances and high rates, we had hung ourselves with the rope they gave us. In the previous December alone, we charged $2,845 on the Chase card for Christmas gifts, food, gasoline, clothing and other expenses. The charges included almost $350 for groceries, $700 in clothes from J. Crew, $179 at GapKids and $700 for airplane tickets for two of Patty’s children to visit their father in Los Angeles. Our balance climbed from $14,118 to $17,135, and in January 2006 we maxed out at our $19,000 credit limit. And there were other expenses on other cards: $1,200 in dental work for Patty’s son Ben; $1,600 to rent a beach house the previous year for us and all the children. Granted, the beach house was an embarrassing mistake . . ."
Hmmm. Not exactly scrimping ala'
And as New York Magazine reported, the economics reporter left a few things out, including the fact that his "gogetter" wife had previously declared bankruptcy - twice.
Currently, this is The Girl Who is regaling us with her financial battle. She seems to be doing well, and enjoying it ("I am so turned on by the thought of paying off debt and saving some serious cash. Like, rub my nipples while talking dirty to my dwindling credit card balance, turned on"), though I question her paying her father first. He won't sue, he won't even utilize the services of a collection agency (which can have a profound effect on your credit rating).
Her struggle did remind me (though it is in no way similar) of an unintentionally funny piece by a New York Times economics reporter who decided he'd write his own, "This economy is so bad that even me, a New York Times economics reporter, got overextended and gulled by the subprime mortgage fiasco" piece.
Except, on reading the article, it turns out that the economy had less to do with his economic troubles than the fact that he appears to be really stupid. The evidence:
My $120,000 base salary and my assets were easy to document. But given my actual income after alimony and child support, I couldn’t possibly have qualified for a standard mortgage . . .
In the euphoria of moving in together, we both succumbed to magical thinking about ourselves, as well as about money. My fantasy was that Patty [his new wife] would become an ambitious go-getter. “This can really be an exciting new chapter of your life,” I kept telling her. Patty had a very different dream. “I feel as if I am finally at home,” she exclaimed as soon as we moved into the house. She could settle down and do the things she had always been best at: making a new home, nurturing her children and loving me. One way or another, she figured, we would earn enough money to make good on our glorious gamble.
We had very different ideas about money. Patty spent little on herself, but she refused to scrimp on top-quality produce, Starbucks coffee, bottled juices, fresh cheeses and clothing for the children and for me. She regularly bought me new shirts and ties to replace the frayed and drab ones in my closet . . .
Our debt spiraled up faster than I had ever dreamed possible. Chase Bank had cold-called me to offer a “platinum” card with no interest charges for the first six months. I took them up on it and shifted $3,000 in debt from my old card onto the new Chase card. But instead of paying down the balance before the interest charges began, I let it balloon to $6,000 . . .
Between humongous loan balances and high rates, we had hung ourselves with the rope they gave us. In the previous December alone, we charged $2,845 on the Chase card for Christmas gifts, food, gasoline, clothing and other expenses. The charges included almost $350 for groceries, $700 in clothes from J. Crew, $179 at GapKids and $700 for airplane tickets for two of Patty’s children to visit their father in Los Angeles. Our balance climbed from $14,118 to $17,135, and in January 2006 we maxed out at our $19,000 credit limit. And there were other expenses on other cards: $1,200 in dental work for Patty’s son Ben; $1,600 to rent a beach house the previous year for us and all the children. Granted, the beach house was an embarrassing mistake . . ."
Hmmm. Not exactly scrimping ala'
And as New York Magazine reported, the economics reporter left a few things out, including the fact that his "gogetter" wife had previously declared bankruptcy - twice.
People Xmastime Likes - And the End
guest post by MARLEY
And the End likes In the Loop, which is nominated for best adapted screenplay and deserves to win (it won't), so she's alright with me.
For those who haven't heard of it, In the Loop is a very funny comedy about the run-up to a fictitious war (clearly meant to be Iraq) and the involvement of US and British civil servants in the process, which includes vicious political jockeying, abusive message control, mendacious leaks and biting insults. It is the British Office on steroids with any political import taking a very back seat to smart, crackling and very funny writing.
Tom Hollander (Pirates of the Carribean, and scene stealing as King George in HBO's John Adams) is brilliant as a British minister out-of-his-depth and made a pawn, and James Gandolfini is also very good as an American general trying to slow down a march to war.
A taste.
And the End likes In the Loop, which is nominated for best adapted screenplay and deserves to win (it won't), so she's alright with me.
For those who haven't heard of it, In the Loop is a very funny comedy about the run-up to a fictitious war (clearly meant to be Iraq) and the involvement of US and British civil servants in the process, which includes vicious political jockeying, abusive message control, mendacious leaks and biting insults. It is the British Office on steroids with any political import taking a very back seat to smart, crackling and very funny writing.
Tom Hollander (Pirates of the Carribean, and scene stealing as King George in HBO's John Adams) is brilliant as a British minister out-of-his-depth and made a pawn, and James Gandolfini is also very good as an American general trying to slow down a march to war.
A taste.
People Xmastime Likes - The Happy Scene
I sure do love me some me!
There's something attractive about Xmastime's singing, an unsaid presumption that all the people who we've come to believe really can sing, in fact, cannot, and here is how it is really done.
Also, the first 3 seconds of Pete Buck Hill teases you with the thrill that it might be a cover of Simple Minds' Don't You Forget About Me.
guest post by MARLEY
People Xmastime Likes - The Parsley Thief
guest post by MARLEY
This is the best website I've come across in years. I've sent it to a bunch of people, clued my wife (who does most of the cooking) and have chosen one recipe to try for my upcoming Oscar party:
mini crab cakes
The step-by-step pictures give me a sense of confidence (perhaps a false one) that I kind of need with cooking.
Marley like. Thank you, Kate
This is the best website I've come across in years. I've sent it to a bunch of people, clued my wife (who does most of the cooking) and have chosen one recipe to try for my upcoming Oscar party:
mini crab cakes
The step-by-step pictures give me a sense of confidence (perhaps a false one) that I kind of need with cooking.
Marley like. Thank you, Kate
People Xmastime Likes - Nerhappy and WordNerd
guest post by MARLEY
Let's get the nerds out of the way, both of whom offer tales of love, loss and life.
From Nerdhappy--
Dear NSXMLParser,
I can parse an XML file in javascript in about 5 lines, then access anything I please with one line of code.
To access the same XML file in Objective-C, I need 3.5 billion lines of code and need to create multiple strings and dictionaries on the fly.
And so I am leaving you... where I end up, I have no idea. I wish you the best of luck.
Love,
Nerdhappy
From Word Nerd
If you're in love and you fall asleep in an empty bed, sometimes you'll hold the pillow as if it's your lover. You'll watch the numbers on the clock, wait for them to change.
When you wake up and the one you love is not with you, you may panic right away and reach out across the cold bed.
If you’re in love and you sleep in a bed with your lover, you will feel the warmth of their skin on your fingertips.
When you wake up and the one you love is next to you, you won’t even have to ask them to pull you closer.
Most mornings, you'll know you have a bus to catch so you’ll pick out your clothes and let the iron heat. Cozy in bed, they’ll beckon you with their eyes to come back. The room will fill with desire and you’ll unplug the iron as they lift the covers back.
(to which I ask, harkening back to Drunken Dater, what if your lover farted in that cold bed?)
Their child?
Let's get the nerds out of the way, both of whom offer tales of love, loss and life.
From Nerdhappy--
Dear NSXMLParser,
I can parse an XML file in javascript in about 5 lines, then access anything I please with one line of code.
To access the same XML file in Objective-C, I need 3.5 billion lines of code and need to create multiple strings and dictionaries on the fly.
And so I am leaving you... where I end up, I have no idea. I wish you the best of luck.
Love,
Nerdhappy
From Word Nerd
If you're in love and you fall asleep in an empty bed, sometimes you'll hold the pillow as if it's your lover. You'll watch the numbers on the clock, wait for them to change.
When you wake up and the one you love is not with you, you may panic right away and reach out across the cold bed.
If you’re in love and you sleep in a bed with your lover, you will feel the warmth of their skin on your fingertips.
When you wake up and the one you love is next to you, you won’t even have to ask them to pull you closer.
Most mornings, you'll know you have a bus to catch so you’ll pick out your clothes and let the iron heat. Cozy in bed, they’ll beckon you with their eyes to come back. The room will fill with desire and you’ll unplug the iron as they lift the covers back.
(to which I ask, harkening back to Drunken Dater, what if your lover farted in that cold bed?)
Their child?
People Xmastime Likes - Reel to Reel Records
guest post by MARLEY
I went to Reel to Reel Records and was reminded that I enjoyed its newest offering, The Habit and actually thought The Habit should have had a couple of tunes on the recent western starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen, Appaloosa.
But then I remembered that The Habit could not have gotten a song on the soundtrack because the slots for the songs were taken by Tom Petty's first band, Mudcrutch (more proof that Petty farts catchy tunes), and, lo and behold, a warbly embarrassment written and performed by none another than
Ed Harris.
It all makes sense.
The other thing I like about Reel to Reel Records is the fact that when you try and hear music from Laneview, Christopher Sullivan or Hayday, you get "Oops!!! The page you tried to access does not exist on this server."
They should sue their record company.
I went to Reel to Reel Records and was reminded that I enjoyed its newest offering, The Habit and actually thought The Habit should have had a couple of tunes on the recent western starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen, Appaloosa.
But then I remembered that The Habit could not have gotten a song on the soundtrack because the slots for the songs were taken by Tom Petty's first band, Mudcrutch (more proof that Petty farts catchy tunes), and, lo and behold, a warbly embarrassment written and performed by none another than
Ed Harris.
It all makes sense.
The other thing I like about Reel to Reel Records is the fact that when you try and hear music from Laneview, Christopher Sullivan or Hayday, you get "Oops!!! The page you tried to access does not exist on this server."
They should sue their record company.
People Xmastime Likes - Marah
guest post by MARLEY
I was introduced to one of the members of Marah by Xmastime at a bar in Brooklyn. He was not drinking, and Xmastime was, to the point where he eventually fell asleep on the bar at approximately 9:15 pm (sidenote - when Xmastime woke up later, he said one thing to the bartender and then he got kicked out). So me and the guy from Marah passed the time talking and he told me one of the weirdest stories. Apparently, he had made a throwaway comment in some venue about
The Bacon Brothers.
Well, the better known of those brothers apparently took umbrage (I think via email) and the word was out - Kevin Bacon was going to get the guy from Marah. It was a very funny but unsettling story.
To circle the square, I know a guy who I saw not too long thereafter, and he knows Jack Brennan, Richard Nixon's post-resignation chief of staff. Kevin Bacon was preparing to play Brennan in Frost/Nixon and he had met several times with the real Brennan to prepare for the role.
Brennan told my friend that Bacon was a real nice guy and I thought, "sure, as long as you don't disrespect the Bacon brothers."
Anyway, Kids in Philly is one of my favorite albums of all time, and I'll rank it as one of the tops in godihateyourband's poll of Best Albums of the 2000s, which he'll take 7 months to compile and post on his website, and which will elicit, "Wow, where are the blacks and women?"
I was introduced to one of the members of Marah by Xmastime at a bar in Brooklyn. He was not drinking, and Xmastime was, to the point where he eventually fell asleep on the bar at approximately 9:15 pm (sidenote - when Xmastime woke up later, he said one thing to the bartender and then he got kicked out). So me and the guy from Marah passed the time talking and he told me one of the weirdest stories. Apparently, he had made a throwaway comment in some venue about
The Bacon Brothers.
Well, the better known of those brothers apparently took umbrage (I think via email) and the word was out - Kevin Bacon was going to get the guy from Marah. It was a very funny but unsettling story.
To circle the square, I know a guy who I saw not too long thereafter, and he knows Jack Brennan, Richard Nixon's post-resignation chief of staff. Kevin Bacon was preparing to play Brennan in Frost/Nixon and he had met several times with the real Brennan to prepare for the role.
Brennan told my friend that Bacon was a real nice guy and I thought, "sure, as long as you don't disrespect the Bacon brothers."
Anyway, Kids in Philly is one of my favorite albums of all time, and I'll rank it as one of the tops in godihateyourband's poll of Best Albums of the 2000s, which he'll take 7 months to compile and post on his website, and which will elicit, "Wow, where are the blacks and women?"
People Xmastime Likes - Shortbus and the Manny
guest post by MARLEY
I liked it (not so much now that it's in syndication) but I have always preferred The Courtship of Eddie [and the Cruiser's] Father
"YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY, MRS. LIVINGSTON!
I liked it (not so much now that it's in syndication) but I have always preferred The Courtship of Eddie [and the Cruiser's] Father
"YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY, MRS. LIVINGSTON!
People Xmastime Likes - Fashion Herald
guest post by MARLEY
Blogging about shopping Midtown's 34th Street district Fashion Herald, brought to you courtesy of the 34th Street Partnership, tries to cover as much fashion and beauty as the vibrant district surrounding Herald and Greeley Squares has to offer.
The outfits look FUN! but the entire endeavor answers the question, "Does Xmastime have a crush on Liz Lemon?"
Blogging about shopping Midtown's 34th Street district Fashion Herald, brought to you courtesy of the 34th Street Partnership, tries to cover as much fashion and beauty as the vibrant district surrounding Herald and Greeley Squares has to offer.
The outfits look FUN! but the entire endeavor answers the question, "Does Xmastime have a crush on Liz Lemon?"
People Xmastime Likes - Bayonnemike
guest post by MARLEY
First post - I wish I could say Shutter Island is a good movie, but if I did they would probably have to put me on Shutter Island.
Kind of like going to the Comedy Store and the first bit you hear from the stand-up is, "And what's with all the Pakis at the 7-11?" followed by an imitation of
Bayonne Mike is also upset at the negative stereotypes of New Jerseyans (Jerseyites?) reinforced by MTV's Jersey Shore, willfully ignorant of the deification of New Jersey as personified by
New Jersey has been asking to be knocked down a peg for some time, my friend.
First post - I wish I could say Shutter Island is a good movie, but if I did they would probably have to put me on Shutter Island.
Kind of like going to the Comedy Store and the first bit you hear from the stand-up is, "And what's with all the Pakis at the 7-11?" followed by an imitation of
Bayonne Mike is also upset at the negative stereotypes of New Jerseyans (Jerseyites?) reinforced by MTV's Jersey Shore, willfully ignorant of the deification of New Jersey as personified by
New Jersey has been asking to be knocked down a peg for some time, my friend.
People Xmastime Likes - godihateyourband
guest post by MARLEY
There is little to like about this blog. Three criticisms rise above all others.
First, ostensibly, it's about music, but the offerings are so esoteric that perusal is akin to reading someone on pornography and all the offerings are Japanese hentai or the stuff Caligula used to peddle to Tiberius.
Second, the blog goes to great efforts to amass a "best 50 albums of the 70s" or "best 100 pop songs" and after all the effort and fanfare, discussion is scant and along the lines of "Wow. No black dudes or women. Heavy" or "Blood on the Tracks??? Where is Blood on the Tracks?"
Third, it doesn't use capital letters.
"Who you think you are, godihateyourband? ee comings?
There is little to like about this blog. Three criticisms rise above all others.
First, ostensibly, it's about music, but the offerings are so esoteric that perusal is akin to reading someone on pornography and all the offerings are Japanese hentai or the stuff Caligula used to peddle to Tiberius.
Second, the blog goes to great efforts to amass a "best 50 albums of the 70s" or "best 100 pop songs" and after all the effort and fanfare, discussion is scant and along the lines of "Wow. No black dudes or women. Heavy" or "Blood on the Tracks??? Where is Blood on the Tracks?"
Third, it doesn't use capital letters.
"Who you think you are, godihateyourband? ee comings?
People Xmastime Likes - Drunken Dater
guest post by MARLEY
The last post was in November, and it was entitled "Who Farted?"
This morning I sort of half woke up to him spooning me. We sort of kissed and said good morning. It was lovely. I started to drift back to sleep when all of a sudden there was a noise and a vibration. Startled, I woke up fully. Oh God, I whispered in my head. Did I just fart on him???
I began to get very hot. I have no idea if he noticed or if he was even awake. I started to sweat. Wait though, I thought. Mine are usually much more intense. Or they burn so I know they are going to smell. This really wasn’t like that. Maybe it was just my stomach (or his) making a noise.
Or maybe it was him.
Not really Intellevision hot, but I am curious if the magic is still there between these two young lovers.
The last post was in November, and it was entitled "Who Farted?"
This morning I sort of half woke up to him spooning me. We sort of kissed and said good morning. It was lovely. I started to drift back to sleep when all of a sudden there was a noise and a vibration. Startled, I woke up fully. Oh God, I whispered in my head. Did I just fart on him???
I began to get very hot. I have no idea if he noticed or if he was even awake. I started to sweat. Wait though, I thought. Mine are usually much more intense. Or they burn so I know they are going to smell. This really wasn’t like that. Maybe it was just my stomach (or his) making a noise.
Or maybe it was him.
Not really Intellevision hot, but I am curious if the magic is still there between these two young lovers.
People Xmastime Likes - Mamalizza
guest post by MARLEY
I checked out her blog, and was immediately, inexorably drawn to the hottest image I've ever associated with a woman.
Marley like.
I checked out her blog, and was immediately, inexorably drawn to the hottest image I've ever associated with a woman.
Marley like.
People Xmastime Likes - Unconquerable Gladness
guest post by MARLEY
I believe I've met him and it was shortly after the Obama ascendancy (he was a man in full). Upside - he's got good taste in movies, and, in a style reminiscent of instapundit.com, he leaves the meat to the source and suffices to comment in brief fashion.
Downside - he's overly reliant on
Ezra Klein
Jon Chait
Andrew Suillivan
Jon Cohn.
and
Matthew Yglesias
Otherwise known as the Spandau Ballet of the left blogosphere.
I believe I've met him and it was shortly after the Obama ascendancy (he was a man in full). Upside - he's got good taste in movies, and, in a style reminiscent of instapundit.com, he leaves the meat to the source and suffices to comment in brief fashion.
Downside - he's overly reliant on
Ezra Klein
Jon Chait
Andrew Suillivan
Jon Cohn.
and
Matthew Yglesias
Otherwise known as the Spandau Ballet of the left blogosphere.
People Xmastime Likes - iamgoingtodieabigfatfu**
iamgoingtodieabigfatfu**
Two suggestions
1. A weekly weigh-in and belly measurement (who the hell cares about someone's daily caloric intake?)
2. gastric bypass
guest post by MARLEY
People Xmastime Likes - Hayday
I like this snippet from the Myspace page:
About HAYDAY
The Ramones meets the Replacements meets Bruce meets Little Richard, but MUCH better. Mostly an excuse for the band members to gather around and fry up some chicken while hittin some trim.
"Hayday is AMAZING"- Paul McCartney
"I wish I was in Hayday" - Snoop Dog
guest post by MARLEY
People Xmastime Likes
guest post by MARLEY
I'm working my way down Xmastime's list of the people and/or websites he likes (on the right). I have my own thoughts.
Al Gore: I used to like him some. This, I thought, was a likeable remembrance:
An anecdote former Clinton counterterror czar Richard Clarke recounts in his memoir "Against All Enemies" is instructive. In 1993, White House Counsel Lloyd Cutler was horrified by Mr. Clarke's proposal for "extraordinary rendition," where our spooks turn over prisoners to foreign countries like Egypt so they can do the interrogating. While Mr. Clinton was still chewing his fingernails and seemed to side with Mr. Cutler, Al Gore arrived late to the meeting. "Clinton recapped the arguments on both sides," Mr. Clarke writes. "Gore laughed and said, 'That's a no-brainer. Of course it's a violation of international law, that's why it's a covert action. The guy is a terrorist. Go grab his ass.'"
But then Gore went kerfluey.
He gave a Reichstag Fire speech to Moveon.org, became a "conscience" and - despite some pretty funny cameos on sitcoms and SNL - has settled into the role of a condescending, "I will save the world" blowhard.
So I do not like.
I'm working my way down Xmastime's list of the people and/or websites he likes (on the right). I have my own thoughts.
Al Gore: I used to like him some. This, I thought, was a likeable remembrance:
An anecdote former Clinton counterterror czar Richard Clarke recounts in his memoir "Against All Enemies" is instructive. In 1993, White House Counsel Lloyd Cutler was horrified by Mr. Clarke's proposal for "extraordinary rendition," where our spooks turn over prisoners to foreign countries like Egypt so they can do the interrogating. While Mr. Clinton was still chewing his fingernails and seemed to side with Mr. Cutler, Al Gore arrived late to the meeting. "Clinton recapped the arguments on both sides," Mr. Clarke writes. "Gore laughed and said, 'That's a no-brainer. Of course it's a violation of international law, that's why it's a covert action. The guy is a terrorist. Go grab his ass.'"
But then Gore went kerfluey.
He gave a Reichstag Fire speech to Moveon.org, became a "conscience" and - despite some pretty funny cameos on sitcoms and SNL - has settled into the role of a condescending, "I will save the world" blowhard.
So I do not like.
Best Picture Nominee Number Two
guest post by MARLEY
A Serious Man
Fargo and No Country for Old Men are two of the best films ever made. The only resemblance the Coen brothers' latest Oscar-nominated film, A Serious Man, bears to those films is a studious attention to detail and the potential evocation of outrage from a distinct group (following Fargo, Minnesotans took umbrage at their farcical portrayal; here, it will be Minnesotan Jews circa 1967).
A Serious Man beats up on its protaganist, a Jewish professor with cretins for children, a disloyal shrew for a wife, cartoonishly unhelpful religious guidance, and various other unpleasant people who vex him, including a gruesome uncle with a cebacious cyst that must be drained on a regular basis. Apparently, the protagonist is cursed, a curse handed down from his Polish ancestors, but the curse appears to be the fact that he's Jewish. The moment it appears he can get out from under, the curse strikes again, and the film ends abruptly.
This is an unpleasant, frustratingly tedious film that may have served as some sort of the therapy for the Coen brothers (they grew up in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, a suburb of Minneapolis, in the 60s). It has few other attributes and from any other artists, it would raise questions of anti-semitism.
A Serious Man
Fargo and No Country for Old Men are two of the best films ever made. The only resemblance the Coen brothers' latest Oscar-nominated film, A Serious Man, bears to those films is a studious attention to detail and the potential evocation of outrage from a distinct group (following Fargo, Minnesotans took umbrage at their farcical portrayal; here, it will be Minnesotan Jews circa 1967).
A Serious Man beats up on its protaganist, a Jewish professor with cretins for children, a disloyal shrew for a wife, cartoonishly unhelpful religious guidance, and various other unpleasant people who vex him, including a gruesome uncle with a cebacious cyst that must be drained on a regular basis. Apparently, the protagonist is cursed, a curse handed down from his Polish ancestors, but the curse appears to be the fact that he's Jewish. The moment it appears he can get out from under, the curse strikes again, and the film ends abruptly.
This is an unpleasant, frustratingly tedious film that may have served as some sort of the therapy for the Coen brothers (they grew up in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, a suburb of Minneapolis, in the 60s). It has few other attributes and from any other artists, it would raise questions of anti-semitism.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Last Two Posts
and everything from here on out until Xmastime finishes his therapy for sex addiction is courtesy of
Avatar
If you were a 14 year old boy who thought The Lion King script was challenging, Transformers was awesome and L.A.R.P-ing looks like fun, and this was your father
and this was your mother
and this struck you as poignant--
Then Avatar is the greatest film you've ever seen.
and this was your mother
and this struck you as poignant--
Then Avatar is the greatest film you've ever seen.
For You, Xmastime
Newsweek on the Quiet Dignity of . . . Rielle Hunter
But perhaps most surprising is what this sex scandal has revealed about Hunter. When the story broke, Rielle seemed the last person capable of keeping her mouth shut. She was said to consult psychics for advice and to confide details of her affair in friends with names like "Pigeon." And yet, for two years, she has behaved with more public dignity than any other figure in the Edwards scandal. In fact, she acted with more discipline and discretion than any mistress in the recent history of sex scandals.
She is heroic.
Tiger Woods' pick-up at the Waffle House heroic.
Invitation
If anyone wants to be a guest-blogger here for the next few weeks, email me
xmastimer@gmail.com
xmastimer@gmail.com
Figures.
The day after I go on hiatus comes the single greatest "oh, HELL no!" photo of all time. Fucking christ.
via the Daily News.
via the Daily News.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Xmastime Notes.
I am taking one month off. Salut.
Anybody who wants to send something in, I will try to post if I think it's really funny.
Anybody who wants to send something in, I will try to post if I think it's really funny.
Should I Be Embarrassed?
I am 37 years old, and I'm almost embarrassed today - I have ONE friend who is doing exactly what he/she wants to with his/her life; I have exactly ONE friend who is getting paid to do what they love. I have ONE friend who is getting paid to do what he/she would for free. One.
Seems low, n'est-pas?
Seems low, n'est-pas?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Michelle Loves Mike
I just saw some of the Michelle Obama interview with Mike Huckabee; obviously she was there to talk about childhood obesity, and at the end she's very effusive re: how much of an inspiration Huckabee himself has been. Which I think is true - the dude did lose 100 pounds. I like Mike Huckabee, he's so nice and easy to like, he's a great guy, but unfortunately he would be a horrible president. But I think he does deserve credit for his honesty about weight loss:
Friday, January 04, 2008
Too Bad He's Such a Dipshit
From Mike Huckabee's Wikipedia entry:
Huckabee has publicly recounted his previous burdens as an overweight man: the steps of the Arkansas capitol from the entrance of the building up to the Governor's office were so long and steep that he would be out of breath and exhausted by the time he reached the top of the stairs; he secretly feared that he would be interviewed by media at the top of the steps, and that he would be unable to respond appropriately due to his overexertion and breathlessness.
Must say. That may be the single most honest thing I've ever heard someone say in public, much less a presidential candidate. Scared of reporters cause he's too fat to speak after climbing steps? Now that's fucking raw and open. Man.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Finally, tonight, after 22,337 screenings, I've realized that the kid who steals their money is one of the whacky horror-film lovers in the classic Summer School (he's the blond one, not Chainsaw.)
Anyway, he's dead now.
Pink Don't Stink
This article over at Slate tells us that wearing pink does not automatically make you a faggot.
Something THIS AWESOME CAT already fucking knew.
Something THIS AWESOME CAT already fucking knew.
Love of the Common People
Love of the Common People is a desert-island slice, having made my Top 50 list. But the only version I've ever known is the Nicky Thomas reggae one, which I've always assumed was the original. But it was done first in 1967 by Waylon Jennings. Awesome.
Sniffin' Palin
I'd lightly suggest that her grandkid having any sort of socialized medicine makes Sniffy a hypocrite, but I'm trying to be careful, as I don't wanna be pointed out to be an elitist who's picking on "real Americans."
Will be interesting to see how the "lamestream," left-wing, socialist media runs with this. I'm guessing not at all.
Will be interesting to see how the "lamestream," left-wing, socialist media runs with this. I'm guessing not at all.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Gotham Workshop
I spent today at a writer's workshop, where my sister-in-law P-Dawg was my partner in grime.
TWO THINGS THAT DROVE ME INSANE, PROBABLY A SIGN OF THE TIMES (OTHER THAN, OF COURSE, THE PEOPLE)
1) There was no clock in the classroom. And you didn't wanna insult the teacher by checking your cell phone. I wanted to run across the room and throw myself out the window. No clock = fucking nuts.
2) Once the teacher told us her name, I was squirming to look her up online. I seem incapable of moving on in life unless I've googled you first.
TWO REGRETS, HANGING IN THE AIR LIKE MATZAH BALLS:
1) In the beginning we went around the room saying our names and what project we were working on. I really wanted to say "I'm writing THE definitive 600-page novel on German shit porn." But I didn't.
2) We did some writing exercies, and then some people would read theirs aloud. You can imagine what they were like. I never read mine, but I really wanted to volunteer and then launch into "I was jerking off, my big fucking hog balls slapping the toilet bowl..." etc. But I didn't.
I also find it odd that the program is called The Gotham Writers Workshop, and no one made a Batman joke. Hmm.
TWO THINGS THAT DROVE ME INSANE, PROBABLY A SIGN OF THE TIMES (OTHER THAN, OF COURSE, THE PEOPLE)
1) There was no clock in the classroom. And you didn't wanna insult the teacher by checking your cell phone. I wanted to run across the room and throw myself out the window. No clock = fucking nuts.
2) Once the teacher told us her name, I was squirming to look her up online. I seem incapable of moving on in life unless I've googled you first.
TWO REGRETS, HANGING IN THE AIR LIKE MATZAH BALLS:
1) In the beginning we went around the room saying our names and what project we were working on. I really wanted to say "I'm writing THE definitive 600-page novel on German shit porn." But I didn't.
2) We did some writing exercies, and then some people would read theirs aloud. You can imagine what they were like. I never read mine, but I really wanted to volunteer and then launch into "I was jerking off, my big fucking hog balls slapping the toilet bowl..." etc. But I didn't.
I also find it odd that the program is called The Gotham Writers Workshop, and no one made a Batman joke. Hmm.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Girl Who
My buddy The Girl Who has a tough one right now :(
Nobody ever forgets their dog. I can live to 200*, and I'll remember Gladys. And I only had her for a year and a half. I had Strummer (or, as the vet called him, "Joe Strummer Wilson") for less than a year, and that was 17 years ago, and to this day whenever I see a basset hound I throw it a Jedi-mind trick, wondering if it's him and I've found him again.
Hmm. Apparently, like a woman, I can't keep a dog. Interesting.
Friends, we forget. Girlfriends, lovers, even family sometimes. But not dogs. You'll forget your own goddam name before you forget your dogs.
She'll get through it, because that's what people do.When faced with real heartbreak, it's amazing what a person can not only handle, but handle with grace. And obviously I have nothing to offer, obviously I'm struggling to find a joke to place here; but if a few Xmastime vibes sent her way will help, let's see what we can do.
* probably won't
We only had Gladys for about 18 months before she got milk disease and died. I remember coming home from school and seeing that she had died, and my brother and I started digging the hole on our side of the dirt road that cut between us and the field behind our house. It was the beginning of September, about 100 degrees, and the dirt was cracked and dried out from the heat so that it was like trying to dig through concrete. Choking on dust and burning from the sun I finally flung the shovel to the ground, fell to my knees and shook my fist at the sky “Hear me now, God!!! It is hell to be poor!!!” Actually, I think that was from A Day No Pigs Would Die, but I feel like something dramatic and emotional is more appropriate than the silence that was in the air the day we laid our only dog into the ground. Seems like any young boy’s dog deserves that much.
Nobody ever forgets their dog. I can live to 200*, and I'll remember Gladys. And I only had her for a year and a half. I had Strummer (or, as the vet called him, "Joe Strummer Wilson") for less than a year, and that was 17 years ago, and to this day whenever I see a basset hound I throw it a Jedi-mind trick, wondering if it's him and I've found him again.
Hmm. Apparently, like a woman, I can't keep a dog. Interesting.
Friends, we forget. Girlfriends, lovers, even family sometimes. But not dogs. You'll forget your own goddam name before you forget your dogs.
She'll get through it, because that's what people do.When faced with real heartbreak, it's amazing what a person can not only handle, but handle with grace. And obviously I have nothing to offer, obviously I'm struggling to find a joke to place here; but if a few Xmastime vibes sent her way will help, let's see what we can do.
* probably won't
We only had Gladys for about 18 months before she got milk disease and died. I remember coming home from school and seeing that she had died, and my brother and I started digging the hole on our side of the dirt road that cut between us and the field behind our house. It was the beginning of September, about 100 degrees, and the dirt was cracked and dried out from the heat so that it was like trying to dig through concrete. Choking on dust and burning from the sun I finally flung the shovel to the ground, fell to my knees and shook my fist at the sky “Hear me now, God!!! It is hell to be poor!!!” Actually, I think that was from A Day No Pigs Would Die, but I feel like something dramatic and emotional is more appropriate than the silence that was in the air the day we laid our only dog into the ground. Seems like any young boy’s dog deserves that much.
Watching Alvin & the Chipmunks with Big Bear & Cherry Bomb
Before the movie, I thought I'd warm up the crowd with some topical, observational stand-up comedy. They were, shall I say, less than impressed.
Cherry Bomb patiently explains the movie to me. "No, in real life chipmunks can't really talk, dumbass."
Worried I might have a shred of dignity left in my body, Big Bear decides he'd like me to have to smell his feet for the rest of the movie.
Cherry Bomb patiently explains the movie to me. "No, in real life chipmunks can't really talk, dumbass."
Worried I might have a shred of dignity left in my body, Big Bear decides he'd like me to have to smell his feet for the rest of the movie.
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