Ileanna Douglas, Cape Fear

I just asked The Barber if it'd be okay to rape a hot chick if I was about to murder her. He insinuated I'd be a huge asshole if I did that. I'm like dude, I'm about to murder her! I'd hafta be an awful guy anyway!! The killing he didn't flinch at. But having my way with her first? Now I'm an asshole!!!

I gotta be honest here. If I'm about to slash Pamela Anderson's throat, I think I might take a moment or two to enjoy myself first, if you know what I mean. I'm outta bounds for this? Really?

The Fall of the House of Usher

There is no movie scarier than The Omen (the original, obviously.) The score alone sends me sprinting around turning on every light in the house shrieking "lord jesus, jesus lord save me jesus!!!" while my eyes roll in the back of my head. No, wait - that's when I walk up to the Pizza Hut buffet for the first time. My other horror slices are Jaws, The Shining and The Amityville Horror. I've always wanted to watch Nesferatu, since I know that would make me shit myself. Maybe next year.

I see that at 4 o 'clock today Roger Corman's The Fall of the House of Usher is coming on - both the short story and movie are Xmastime slices o'slices. But I remember coming home from church one time, I reckon near Halloween, and my brother, father and I landed on some random made for tv version. I believe it was 1982, which would make ten years old.

I have never, ever been so scared in my life - while watching I literally BEGGED my dad and brother to turn the channel - even offering them money!! Gee, what good times...apparently I had disposable income to throw around. I mean, I was terrified. And I couldn't leave - no WAY I was gonna go be by myself. Way too terrified. And mind you, this was at about one o'clock in the afternoon. Broad daylight.

I remember going to bed later on and I was literally shaking so badly my brother yelled at me cause I was shaking the whole bunkbed. Wow. Unreal. Would love to track down a copy of this flick. I'm sure now it's prolly laughable now, but jesus I was terrified.

I've Figured Out Women, Vol. LVIII

I think the key is to date an identical twin. Lavish the one you're dating with compliments about how beautiful she is. The whole time, never wasting a chance to tell her how ugly her twin sister is. So you get credit for being so sweet to your girlfriend, all the while she's thinking "what the...if he thinks my twin is hideous, what's that make me?" thereby shaking her confidence and keeping her under your thumb all that much more. Not rocket science. You're welcome, dudes and Ellen.

Number of Chicks in My High School I'd LIke to Bang, Based on My Senior Yearbook

CLASS OF 1990: 14
CLASS OF 1991: 5
CLASS OF 1992: 6
CLASS OF 1993: 10
CLASS OF 1994: 0

Girardi

"You'd tell him how to do things, and he'd do them, no matter what," Rodgers says. Rodgers believed that air conditioning was damaging to young arms, and so were drafts, so he instructed Girardi to cover his right arm with a tube sock and sleep in warm or hot air, even in the summer heat in Illinois. Girardi complied, much to the dismay of the family.

"His mother told me the whole house was hot because of me, but Joe kept doing it all the way through school and never had a sore arm," Rodgers says.

Yeah. Let me tell you something. Jesus Christ could knock on my door and tell me that if I kept the air conditioning off my boy would grow up to play for the Yankees and guess what? Hell no. Stocking shelves for the local Little Sue will hafta do for him. Eff that!!!

Today's Nangulance

Nangulance: n. the minor turbulances of life that, while small and nebulous, can collect to make your head explode.

Most morning I walk to work, but if I’m running a lil late I hop on the train, as it shaves 10 minutes off my commute. And of course the later I’m running, the more involved in the process the person ahead of me at the Metrocard machine is. FUUUUUUUCK!! I grab a Singleride card; I can have my whole transaction done in literally 8 seconds. StartSinglerideCashInsert$2Receipt?No boom, I’m off. But of course I always get stuck behind either the non-English speaking Chinaman staring at what he thinks is Galaga or the dude who’s trying to put a dollar on his Metrocard using a two-party out-of-state paycheck voucher. The ratio to how slow this person is to my lateness is without fail, just like the lotto-buying grey panthers and coffee douches here.

Past Nangulance Winners here and here.

Pause and Reflect

There's a lot going on in this world today. A lot of pain. A lot of dreams unrealized, a lot of hopelessness. Nothing to believe in. With all that to consider, isn't 9:00 am just a bit too early in the day for Road House to come on? Jesus. I'm not up for this yet!!! I'll be back in bed drained by noon!!!!! (cue every piece of furniture in my room being smashed to bits)










"Pain don't hurt....oooooh, SHIT! I was wrong!!! arrrghhh!!!"

My Last A-Rod Post (for now!!!!)

Still fuming re: everyone crying over A-Rod opting out; righteous indignation flying through the air about his greediness and lack of loyalty. Cause yeah, I’m sure that if you worked for Wal-Mart and were aware that Target could possibly offer you a ridiculous amount of money you wouldn’t even think of listening to the offer. Right. And team loyalty is so prevalent with pro athletes these days - oh my god, WHAT will we tell the children?!?!?!

But what I’m chafed at now is the stuff about him “hijacking” the World Series to make his announcement. Now, I realize I’m biased here. I’m a Yankees fan and an A-Rod defender, so I know I’m not 100% rational here. I find it hard to believe he’d be that calculating and, well, an asshole; but I understand everyone else thinking it’s a dick move. And if Vishnu came down from wherever Vishnu comes from and says “Xmas, they’re right” well I wouldn’t be shocked.

BUT.

Now I gotta read shit like this in the Daily News, that, and I quote, “He forced Buck, McCarver and the team to do five, 10 minutes on A-Rod's free agency instead of the Rockies' great late-season run or Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester beating cancer to win the clinching game of the World Series.”

Really? Buck and McCarver were “forced” to talk about A-Rod instead of the Sox and Rockies? This drives me nuts – now we’re led to believe that A-Rod was in the studio flailing on the ground crying like a baby screaming at B&M to talk about him before finally putting a gun to their heads and making them do it. Fucking camon. Is it POSSIBLE they could’ve decided to not talk about it til later on? Even if we assume it was a dick move, even if we assume that A-rod was gleefully rubbing his hands together “I’m gonna destroy the Red Sox’ moment!!”, were Buck and McCarver really “forced” to talk about A-Rod? Give me a fucking break. How bout giving some of the responsibility to Buck and McCarver? No good; it's all on A-Rod? Hmm. They sound like fucking babies. We're even supposed to feel sorry for them, as Hinckley ruefully shakes his head and squeezes out a tear for B&M: "This call was just out of their hands. " Oh, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! Poor guys!!!!

Let A-Rod go for fuckssake. Then we can focus on how he crashed those planes into those buildings, or pushed Susan Smith's car into that lake.

Damn Yankees

So A-Rod, as per his contract, has opted out of his contract and is dipping his toe into the $300M waters. And so all day I've read articles and listened to people call into the radio who are disgusted both with the fact that money is more important to him than winning, and his lack of loyalty to the Yankees. Because yes, he should be more than happy to take whatever the Yankees offer him, suck it up with a big smile on his face to stay with a team that has shown him "loyalty." Such loyalty that basically means hanging him out to dry as the sole reason the Yankees haven't won a ring in four years, or batting 8th in a playoff game, or Jeter not taking 30 seconds to tell people to get off his back. They have let him be shredded time and time again and, now that he had a year for the ages and didn't fall in a heap of his own urine at home plate in the playoffs, we simply cannot believe that he would walk away from us. Now that we actually want him, we're stunned to find he's not doing backflips to stay in NY. "They like me!! They really like me!!"

As for this money is more important to him than winning nonsense, enuff. Everybody's being haughty and self-righteous about this one. There's not a player in this league who isn't set for life. Where are all the "competitors" that are lining up to play for winners for the league minimum? Last time I checked, every single player is getting as much money as he possibly can, wherever he can get it. Who can name the last baseball player that took a pay cut to play for a contender? Jeter's such a winner and competitor, why isn't he demanding to be traded to the Red Sox to play for food money? Last time I checked, he hasn't won anything since 2000, and he's banking about $20M a year. I don't see him cutting his own salary to give the Yankees more money to sign talent - is making money more important to Jeter than winning?

The Yankees let A-Rod get pissed on for four years, then deliver a "you better take what we offer you" ultimatum. Now he wants to make as much money as he can and play where he won't get booed everytime he doesn't crank one 450 feet. I'm sorry, who's the asshole here?

Good Grief

Don't forget to watch PBS' joint about Charles M. Shultz tonite. Is there a bigger slice of slices for Xmastime than Peanuts?

Bush...Wrong? wha?

Coupla weeks ago I posted this - the one time Dubya's never-erring pinpoint "gut" has been wrong. Cough. Turns out I was wrong, there have been a few other instances where he was a tad off. Here's what my loyal readers have sent to me:

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- George W. Bush after pleading with the band KISS to forget about the makeup and histrionics and "let the music do the talking" at the Peculiar Pub in August 1974.

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- George W. Bush after pleading with his friend Bill Gates to go back to Harvard, emphatically stating "nobody's gonna wanna stare at a tv screen all day" March 1975

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- George W. Bush after explaining to Michael Jackson why he'd be a fool to ever leave the group. January 1977.

"Punch it, Rod!" - close friend George W. Bush on cb with his friend Rodney King, March 3, 1991

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- George W. Bush after unsuccessfully trying to convince OJ to start dating white women (OJ would later change his mind) June 1981

Do I Hear Seven?

I just noticed that for their reviews Time Out NY uses the six-star system. What the fuck is that about? Ratings, at least any I've seen in my 35 years, are usually based on either the 4 or 5 star system. Maybe even 10, the roundest of numbers. There's something symmetrical about 4, and 5 is half of ten so that's also standard. But six? Little pretentious, isn't it? And I know it used to be five - who's the wizard that called a meeting to say "you know what, we need to kick this up to six stars"? What the fuck.

Tunnel of Love

Riding through the Holland Tunnel last night reminded me of the stories I’ve always heard about hookers that stand at either end of the tunnel, get picked up by dudes, blow said dudes and get dropped off at the other end. Back and forth. That’s a lot of pressure, isn’t it? “I hafta have this guy jazzing by the time we hit the other side.” But I guess my own question is, if I pick you up and I don’t pop by the other end of the tunnel, shouldn’t I get my money back? “Hey, great try darling, maybe next time…how'd Sheila do on her math test? great!...see you later..." Like the reverse of Dominos: by NOT coming in 5 minutes or less I get my money back, no? Am I just making too much sense here?

For the Love of Christ

People with cell phones in crowded places (say, a Chinatown Bus packed to the gils): when your fucking cell phone goes off blaring out “My Humps”, your immediate job is to shut the fucking ringer off - NOT to hold the phone up and stare at the number or name showing up on your display and then debate whether or not to answer it or not, all while we are fucking pounded with Fergie. Shut the goddam ringer off; even hang up quickly if you must and then call back and speak QUIETLY!! Fucking hell. Before I lay my jacket over my lap and rub one out somewhere between Baltimore and New Castle I don't fucking take my dick out and wave it around to everybody, do I? aaaaaaaaarrrrghhh!!!!!!

TODAY’S QUOTE FROM A CHILDREN’S BOOK THAT SEEMS MILDLY INAPPROPRIATE

Book: Bambi a Little Golden Book edition, page 15

“Later, as Bambi and his mother lay safely in their thicket, mother explained. “MAN. Bambi – it was MAN in the meadow. He brings danger and death to the forest with his long stick that roars and spurts flames. Someday you will understand.”

Side note: not really helped out by the next paragraph: “When he looked out through the thicket he saw everything covered with white.”

Funny vs. Funny

The thing that drives me nuts re: being funny in real life vs. tv or the movies is in real life, you don't get that pause of silence, the space you get if there's a script. In a show, you can set up a joke or a riff a few seconds before you drop it, and the script can have the people you're wih standing there quiet. How many times have you set yourself up in real life and then when you go in for the kill, some numbfuck dipshit jumps in and starts blurting away? Every day. Drives me nuts. You watch the American Masters on Bob Newhart and you see the genius in the quiet, the extended pauses. Kills. You never get that in real life. You take a minute setting everything up like a puppeteer, and then it all crashes down cause some chutterfuck who's not funny wants to be loud. Fucking hell.

Drunk Blogging

You know, with my careers of drunk-dialing and drunk-texting being as great as they are, I'm more than a little surprised I've never posted on here shit-faced. Never woken up and thought "I posted WHAT??!?!?" Bit of a mystery, really. Maybe I'll do that soon - have The Barber standing by to assist, and post my drunken sloppy rantings here? Might be entertaining. MIght not be. Either way, The Barber will be wearing a sweater vest and nothing else.

The Manny Tapes: Dignity

When a kid turns one year old, his job description changes from "lovingly accept food with wide-eyed gratitude and love" to "throw as much food around as possible." So for a while now the boy spends most of our meal breaks tossing the shit everywhere. And nowadays he barely bothers to even notice what the heck he's throwing: "...peas pasta grapes check check check, let's keep this shit moving....(toss toss toss)" And now this morning he's learned hey, he doesn't hafta blindly just toss the shit around, he can throw the food AT someone!!

I have a college degree. I served my country. And now I'm standing here as blocks of cheese bounce off my forehead and pieces of canteloupe stick to my clothes. The boy is howling with laughter because a grape just hit my eye. Dignity 1, Manny 0.








"Hahahahaaha!! I can't miss, you pathetic fat fuck!!!"

The Manny Tapes: Amnesia

I always thought if I ever had a kid or was involved in the day to day rearing of one I'd be one of those guys that remembers every stage perfectly: you did this at 3 months, you looked like that at 6 months, you lent me $10 at 7 months blah blah blah. But it turns out I'm the opposite: I can't remember what the kid did or looked like yesterday, much less 6 months ago. I look at him now and it's like well, that's how he's always looked and always will. Bam, right there. There he is. I remember the last meal I gave him and I know what the next thing I'll feed him is, but that's it. His mother will come home and ask what he ate earlier in the day, and my brain freezes. "What the fuck...did he have....rosemary flan with tempered pomegranite drizzle...?" Same thing with any activities we do; I know we've gone around the city on a couple of adventures just this week, but I have no idea what they were. I'm sitting here scratching my head "what the fuck...where'd we go on Monday...I have no idea...which day was my dance recital?" Is this normal? I usually have good recall re: shit I do on a daily to yearly basis. Maybe it's a survival thing, you're hyper-focused on the kid's present state and that's it? Or am I just a fucking idiot?

The kid's amnesia is at least a lot funnier. Typical case is today. He's in his plastic chair with tray combo chowing away at lunch when all of a sudden, fuck that! Blows up into a rage, smacking the chair, howling. Has to get the fuck outta the chair, and now. I pull him out and he gives the chair a look that tells me he expects me to throw it off the roof while afire, never to be heard from again. Dude looks like he's possessed; I half expect a priest to walk through all of a sudden "get rid of that chair!" And maybe stop for a make out session (say, why don't they make the whole plane outta the stuff they make the black box with?) So I start to take him over to the living room to play and goof around when I'm like shit, I gotta take care of something real quick in the kitchen. And I don't wanna leave him alone in the living room for that long, so I step back into the kitchen. What am I gonna do with him? Obviously he now hates the chair forever and will never sit in it again. I'm looking around; I guess I could just let him on the floor, but of course that's covered with the 40 pounds of food he tossed while "eating" a minute before. I'm standing there thinking when GUESS WHO all of a sudden is like "heeeeeeeeyy, look! a shiny, plastic chair! that I can sit in! this is great!!" and practically hurls himself outta my arms and into the chair, where he has the time of his life for the next twenty minutes. This, mind you, about thirty seconds after he was acting as if the chair had popped him in one of his nuts. Go figure.















"Hey Xmas, guess what I DIDN'T forget? That's right,
get the baby wipes you stupid fuck!! hahahahahaaha!!!!

Funny Quote

Just watched some of Jeffrey Toobin on Charlie Rose. Toobin it turns out now has authored two books about Bush v. Gore and was remarking that he is the single-most obsessed person on the planet about the case. Then he tells the story of meeting Gore a year ago and telling him so, to which Al looks at him and says "You might come in second on that one."

Now THIS is More Like It

Grey, overcast. Chilly. Rainy, looking to rain some more. Love it. Can't wait to go home, curl up in bed and enjoy the darkness. Big bowl of popcorn in my future. Stare at Who's the Boss for an hour. Sigh.

Mayor McDouche

What a fucking shithead. Gee, I don't know why his kids can't stand him. Trying to ruin my country is one thing, but this?
















"Can somebody get this asshole the fuck outta here?"

Timing

All over the news this morning peeps were talking about the Lt. Governor of California sniping that maybe they’d have better luck controlling the massive fires throughout the area if Bush had the National Guard there instead of overextended in Iraq. And so of course everybody on tv was horrified by this, everyone saying “oh no, this is not the time to say that! Not the time for that!” I know our jobs as citizens is to not say anything to remotely possibly upset the troops, who want nothing to do with coming home and thirst to solve the Middle East in the name of Jesus Christ and George Bush, but I say this is the ABSOLUTE CORRECT time to bring this up. The abuse of the National Guard is one of the many disservices these people have done to us for the last few years; but unless it comes back to physically haunt us in a real fashion, we never seem to care, do we? Unless our house is burning down and we could use some help, we’re not a country that likes to ask such things. We're certainly not SUPPOSED to, anyways. Hmm. How "American." Meanwhile, we’re dealing with the people who couldn’t be bothered with warnings about Bin Laden until planes crashed into New York City. These are the people that ignored Katrina until of all people Fidel Castro popped his head in to “ahhhh…are you gonna do something, or should I?” So save your righteous indignation and faux outrage – this is the fucking moment to ask why the hell the people in CA are even more helpless than they should be. I'm sure the powers that be would rather it quietly happen when, say, Britney is showing her pussy in a Buick and all we care about is that.

My friend Jiggers once told me a pearl of wisdom: don’t wait til mid-shit to buy toilet paper.

The Manny Tapes

Another funny thing about babies you realize is here we are, the human race. Have dominated the planet like no other species in it's history, are at the absolute top of the food chain. We have no natural predators. We are, to be sure, the tits. But is there a species wherein a newborn is more helpless? A gnat has a kid and BOOM! baby gnat's flyin round looking for food. You lay a human newborn down on the ground and it just lays there til it dies, completely helpless. At no point does it think to itself "I don't think anyone's coming, I better figger out a way to get my own cable hooked up...." Just lays there. Literally cannot do anything to ensure it's own survival. But when it grows up, it can potentially rule the Earth. Ain't that sumpin.






"Hahaha!! I've fallen and Xmastime gets paid $8 a day to get me up, that fucking loser douchebag!!!"

Dane Cook

Dane Cook is ridiculously obnoxious, doesn't shut up and is not even remotely funny at any time; he hopes to just wear you down by shouting and being "high energy." But I just saw a commercial for some movie he's in, and in a split second of screen time you can tell that Cook can be a very, very creepy guy.

So there you have it. Dane Cook: the Robin Williams of his generation. Congratulations.

Pages in the Sept. 24 Issue of InTouch I May "Splash in the Water" To

23
54-55 (she’s a bad mommy? Really? Is that on my mind right now, on the bowl?)
57
73 (place index card over Star Jones)
84 (hey, sometimes I just like to be watched)

A side note: can someone please buy Matthew McCoughnehey a fucking shirt? Please? And maybe a house; does this mofo live in a hole on the beach? Wtf?

Sitcom 2007

While sometimes I wish I was a snooty “I never watch tv” guy who reads more, the fact is, I’m a sitcom guy. Not just clever, hip ones; I like ‘em all. I like the ones that are actually funny (Seinfeld, Roseanne, All in the Family, Cheers), I like the ones that can sometimes be funny but sometimes aren’t (Wings, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore) and I even like ones that aren’t really funny, but give me a sense of warmth and familiarity (Happy Days, Brady Bunch, Who’s the Boss.) The sitcom is fairly dead, unfortunately – anything that isn’t part of the one of two formulas 1) the doofus husband with the way-hot, exasperated wife who still loves the big, dumb lug no matter how many times he forgets their anniversary and 2) any new version of Friends, where it’s a collection of twentysomethings constantly trying to not have sex while spending tons of money they’ve earned by not working. Anything that’s actually good, you’re relegated to HBO.

And I like my sitcoms on their home turfs; I don’t wanna see the cast go to Hawaii or Disneyland. I wanna see Cheers at the bar, I wanna see Roseanne in the living room/kitchen, I wanna see Archie in his chair. I don’t want “special” episodes, I wanna see the middle of the season hum-drum one.

Anyways. I love a great sitcom, and apparently it’s dead. My top ten in no order (today):

All in the Family
Seinfeld
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Cheers
The Cosby Show
Family Ties
What’s Happening!
Roseanne
Welcome Back Kotter (till Travolta left)
Dick Van Dyke Show

I know Im gonna think of ten more that belong here (Frasier) but ah well. Can SOMEbody out there in la-la-land write a real sitcom again that doesn’t completely blow? Please? Did nobody get the message when I cried about it here? Please?

Life 4,332 Xmastime 4

The other day I was walking down the sidewalk and BAM! this smoking hot chick came into my sight. Banging hot. So of course I lock in with my eyes, cause everyone knows that if you stare intensely at a beautiful woman in the street whom you've never met she will within minutes probably strip down and start fucking you. Ladies 101. As I'm looking at her all of a sudden she looks down and her face LIGHTS up...what the eff, I'm thinking...then she quickly bends down and SCOOPS UP A $50 BILL THAT HAD BEEN LAYING ON THE GODDAM SIDEWALK!!!! Fuck. $50!!! If I had been shuffling down the street with my head hanging down like normal, I woulda seen if first and pounced. Fucking hell. Beuitiful women: OFFICIALLY costing me money now. And I don't mean the good way.

Feeling the Heat

So this morning I flip on "Morning Joe" on MSNBC and I see they're talking to Dana Perino, the new White House Press Secretary. A plain, normal looking young woman I suppose. I kinda start listening and of course they're talking about the war on terror et al when Mika, looking refreshingly frustrated with her interview subject exclaims "come on, are we seriously safer than we were before 9/11?" To which Perino, smiling and shaking her head sadly at Mika's naivete pats her on the head with the words "Mika, Mika...did you see the last Bin Laden video? Obviously he's feeling the heat."

What?

Is this how low the expectations have become nowadays? 6 years after 9/11, thousands more dead, limbs coming back in zip-lock bags, civil liberties violated, about a trillion dollars - and this, after over 2200 days, is where we are? Bin Laden is..."feeling the heat?" Really? Am I crazy for not being 100% thrilled with this level of "success"? What if in 1948 Truman came on the radio and told us to "relax, Hitler is getting uncomfortable!" Wouldn't this be like me giving a girl a glass of wine with a roofie, some Spanish fly, taping pictures of George Clooney in her eyelids while Enrique Iglesias plays harp drenched in sweat on my 110-foot yacht, slipping her MORE spanish fly and then giddily telling my buddy "HEEEEEY...she's starting to get a little randy!!" Camon. You gotta be kidding me.

Speaking of the Yankees....

So the Yankees wanted to cut Torre's salary by 30% because of "poor performance." Now lemme guess...they're gonna cut their ticket prices by the same percentage? Hmm. I'm guessing a big fat hairy "no." Shocker.

Giambino

So the YES Network has a new commercial, a collage of people mentioning their favorite Yankee moments in the last 10 years or so. And there have been a ton of 'em: Brosius' homer, Tino's granny, Mr. November, the Flip, the perfect games and on and on and on. Then some numbnuts pipes in with "Giambi's gw grandslam in the rain."

Hmm. All those great post-season and World Series moments, moments in the clutch that grabbed rings, and your favorite moment is a walk-off dinger in May? Really?

I Hate This

I hate the sun, I hate the heat...October 22, 75 degrees? Are you fucking kidding me? I seriously think this is the reason that we're about two months into the season and I've seen about 3 minutes of college football. When I was a kid, we spent all summer waiting for college football to start. Seemed like every week of the fall we were watching Michigan State-Illinois on a cold, blustery, overcast day. Snow at least a possibility. And that was in the South for fuck's sake. Now, I flip a game on and I'm blinded by the sun glaring off the field. Coach in shorts. I cannot watch college football in a pile of my own fucking sweat. Miserable. And every game I see on ESPN Classic, snow! Rain! Grrrrrr!!!! 8 games in, and I cannot watch. It's too fucking hot and I'm fucking sick of it already.






"Hold me, I'm cold!!"

Tony Russo

While listening to Mad Dog's pop Tony cry and moan about the end of the Yankees season every time it happens, I become very depressed. Jesus, I hope when I'm that old I don't still care THAT much about baseball. Geez. 80 years old and you can still live and die with each win/loss? Man.

The Wild, the Innocent, and Bill O'Reilly

So Bill O’Reilly is under the impression that any anti-Bush/anti-war sentiments by anyone are not to be taken as valid unless they come onto his own show and spar with him. Interesting. Unless you come into the “No-Spin Zone” and impress him with an array of pie charts and graphs, you are not to speak out about anything. I don’t know what’s more impressive here – O’Reilly’s immense ego, or his being threatened (scared?) that so many young voters may be persuaded in their thinking by Springsteen to see the powers that be what they are: anti-American. What does he expect – I’m an 18 year old voter, am I really getting any inspiration and leadership from any politician alive right now? Should he be getting his ideas from you, Bill? Hannity? Rush? God forbid I listen to someone who’s thoughtful, articulate and compassionate who happens to be a singer – it’s a shame I can’t get such thinking from, say, my president.

Sorry Bill, but last time I checked the “liberal, deceitfully-led” 18 year-old’s vote counts as much as your tired, old cynical one does. You sound scared that someone’s pulling the curtain and voters will see the wizard to be what he really is. And you should be, cause remember: this is ouuuuuurrr country…whoops, sorry!

The Real World: Orlando

So last night I turned to this season's best new reality show, Fox News' GOP Presidential Debate. Love these - once a week 8 rich white guys who all kinda look alike stand onstage and desperately try to invoke Ronald Reagan while explaining that no human should ever, ever have to pay taxes for anythin ever again. There's the 9/11 guy, there's the doddering old actor guy, there's the chiseled Mormon and then there's the guy who looks like his head was paper-mached...were he not been born before paper had been invented. Get these guys together in a room with a few other rich white guys and BAM!!...hijinks ensue!

Last night's episode had two subplots going on. The first one was apparently the guys have decided that in referencing the opposiiton's party they should use the "Democrat Party" instead of "Democratic Party." I guess the show's producers stepped in and reminded the cast members that "Democratic" might remind viewers too much of "democracy", so by chopping the word a bit they will level the playing field. Very clever. Hey, this is the same group of people that chopped up the word "freedom" down to "free" when detailing how much liberating Iraq would cost, so obviously they know what they're doing.

Also, apparently there was an added twist and Hillary Clinton was in the building. This is brilliant, just like bringing in a cast member's boyfriend on "The Real World." Bring it on, girlfriend! Though I don't recall actually SEEING her, she must've been there cause every single cast member took time out of every question they answered to talk about her. They seemed less worried about distinguishing themselves from each other and more about denigrating Hillary, so I assume she had met them all in the green room and took the last jelly doughtnut, or someone overheard her in the confessional room trashing the cast members. Anyways, was a great twist that made the show fly by.

Looking forward to next week - I'm told there will be a house meeting about how the Mormon guy has been married 4 fewer times than the 9/11 guy and the "Law and Order" guy AND my Xmastime Spidey-sense in tingling re: a big fistfight over who loves the unborn fetus more. Can't wait!!!















"..and I know it was Rudy who walked into the kitchen and put his fingers in MY peanut butter!!"

What Happens...

...if you make a pot of coffee, but instead of using water, you use coffee that's already been made? An interesting thesis, no? Hmm.

The Manny Tapes

One funny thing about watching a baby crawl around on the floor is when they trip. Which, even as I'm watching it occur, I have no idea how this happens. On all fours motoring around; next thing you know, face down in the carpet. Yes, I could riff on that sentence for about another paragraph, but I'd like to keep a post clean, for once. Like trying to figure out who's buying all these Nickelback albums, the crawling trip remains a mystery. And while I'm not a tuff-guy Manny - usually any sign of upcoming crying and I'm Sir Hugs-a-lot - when he "trips" while crawling and looks up at me, firing up the waterworks, I'm like oh HELL no, I can't get on board with soothing you for this. Almost as bad as when my Grandma broke her hip while sitting in a chair. Man. Baffling.






"Hahahaha!! Xmas, you WISH you could munch some rug, you fucking faggot!!!"

Wow.

Pulling out the opposing pitcher's ex-girlfriend to sing before his must-win, season-saving start. Cap. Doffed.







"One blowjob for the first Indian to mash Pooky's testes with a comebacker."

Bruce and the Dog

I’m listening to Mike and the Mad Dog blather like schoolgirls re: getting to go backstage to meet Bruce last night, and it’s amazing to me cause they’re pretty much telling the story word for word of when I got to meet Bruce: Bruce and his people were beyond gracious, and they weren’t in a crowded room for the obligatory hello flybys - they were brought to a room alone with Bruce, who made THEM feel welcome and appreciated and, for lack of a better word, special. Unreal.


"Is there anybody AWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE out there!!!!!!!"

ps - proof that Xmas aint tellin stories outta school here at the UG.

pps - and here.

I Miss Paul, I Really Do

My super-slice, the Steven Banks Show! Was on for about 10 minutes back in 1995ish on PBS; got me laffin thru many a Mississippi day. Been looking for this clip forever, fucking awesome. "No one could make a pot of tea like Paul could." Hysterical and poignant all at once.

Fuck These Flicks

After recovering from the shock of GodIHateYourBand posting more than once in a score of days, I thought of flicks other than Scarface that as a living member of the male race I'm supposed to love, but could care less about. The short list:

Scarface
Fletch
Caddyshack (yes, I know I'm the worst person in the world for this)
Big Lebowski (am I the only guy in the world that doesn't have every line memorize?)
Any assortment of the Rambo series
Royal Tannenbaums
Austin Powers
Anything with Ah-nold. Except, of course, Twins.
This is Spinal Tap

It's not that these are all awful movies, I just can't seem to last 10 minutes through one of them without wandering through my mind, thinking about cake. And then you gotta hear every mf in the world blather bout these over and over to each other, which doesn't help. Trying to think of other examples.

We are Losers.

The Barber and I just flipped on the tv to Mike and the Mad Dog. And they're sitting there talking about the movie The Patriot...which I noticed is on TBS as we speak. So...we're watching, on tv, a radio show, on which two guys are talking about a movie they're watching on tv. Christ.

John Cougar Xmascamp

While running this Evanescence crap through my mind, all of a sudden it shot through my head: what the hell happened to Cougar from Top Gun? After all, he was THE best before blinking and giving up his top spot at the Academy and the #1 shot at Kelly McWitness; are we to believe he went back to Timfuckthree, KS and has been gluing glitter to sweatshirts ever since? No way. So I started thinking of other characters like that from movies, seemingly tiny, fleeting characters from flicks that actually did tilt a main character in one direction or another, never to be seen or heard from again. So of course my mind leapt to the scenario of Cougar hooking up with Clint from Dazed and Confused, maybe starting some sort of small airline with Clint as the mechanic and Cougar as the pilot, a la "Wings" - one of the thieving hookers from Dutch as the gun-smacking lunch counter gal they fight over? I started laughing before it hit me HEY DUMBFUCK!!! To hang out with Clint, Cougar would hafta GO BACK IN TIME - Clint was from the 70's, you fucking idiot!!!

Christ. If I wasn't already selling schoolboy semen online for tallboy money I'd be fucking embarrassed at that shit. Man.

No Idea

Is Evanescence the name of a band, or the name of a girl singer? I keep hearing the name thrown around, can't figger which one it is. ah well.

Big $$$? Really?

Caught some of the Tony Snow interview on The Daily Show last night. I don't wanna jump all over Tony here; obviously anyone jumping aboard the USS Bullshit when he did is crazy or retarded, so I hafta cut some slack here. But what fascinates me is his reason for quitting his post as press secretary: the job doesn’t pay enough, so he feels he needs to hit the lecture circuit to make the kind of money he wants.

First of all, kudos to him for being the first person in history to not use the ol' "I'm leaving to spend time with my family" nonsense we're used to hearing. The first person to use that one being, of course, Woody Allen. And for once, here's a guy whom we might have believed, since he was hit with colon cancer. So it’s refreshing to hear some honesty for once, even if it the first honest thing he’s been able to say since he took the job.

Secondly, are you telling me someone would take that job at that time for those people without some sort of arrangement, some sort of “I’ll spew this shit for you, but I’m getting some RIDICULOUSLY high-paying chairman of the board gig after, right?” Something like what Ben Gazzara must've gotten for agreeing to be in Road House, right? I mean, even people that support this administration find it impossible to say most of this shit with a straight face; I assume this would’ve been a “I’ll fall on my sword for you now for some $$$ later” chat in the backrooms. You’re telling me someone with Snow’s background/financial situation would’ve leapt at “wow, $170K/yr to look like a fucking idiot every day? YES! I am IN!!!!” without some major play going on? If not, again, maybe he’s crazy/retarded/Hannity after all.

And last, he says he needs to go on the talk circuit to rake in the “big bucks”? Really? I mean…..Tony Snow? You used to watch him on tv every day for free, he was the THIRD press secretary for this bunch, and you’re gonna shell out $1000 to eat some cold wings and listen to him babble a few Bush talking points at the local Kiwanis Club? Really? Would anybody really pay a nickel to sit down and hear what this guy has to say? I mean, given the choice between hearing Tony speak or Britney Spears, who would you rather hear? On one hand, you’re sitting there thinking “…I paid…$1000…to hear this guy talk…about reading things other people told him to say…two years ago…” Hmm. What a thrill. At least with Britney there’s a chance that at any second a Hummer will come crashing through the wall, little baby Preston behind the wheel sitting on a case of Red Bulls babbling “Viva Che!!” over and over, shitting doodoo lattes everywhere. Camon. No contest. Almost as bad as Bush licking his chops like Sylvester waiting on Tweety re: the money he’s gonna get from speaking after his term is up. Really? I mean, he will be an ex-president and all, but in the history of presidents is there one you’d LEAST rather hear speak for an hour than this one? Even if you backed him, again, you’re spending thousands of bucks a plate to hear him ramble on about freedom and terrorists for an hour? Maybe he'll be smart, kill some time with home slides of his latest brush clearing adventures. And besides a good toaster oven being able to write the speech he’ll recycle for the next 1000 appearances, is there a worse public speaker in the world whose name isn’t “Miss South Carolina”? While he’ll command a certain respect as en ex-prez, I cannot fathom people forking over scads of dough to listen to him in the years to come. But people are funny and dumb, so you never know.

Will W's speeches include a blow job too? (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

The Manny Tapes

Just changed the boy, then set him down to play with some toys while I got him an outfit. Looked over and realized HOLY SHIT!! THE KID'S ON FIRE!!! Puffs of smoke, floating around him!!!!

Of course, turns out I had put too much baby powder on his ass. As usual. But for one, fleeting second I thought I was gonna hafta cut out one of my Frasier episodes to dream up a story to tell his parents re: how I set their child on fire. Yeesh. Bullet, dodged.








"Hahahaha! Only YOU can prevent baby fires, you fucking douche!!"

Five Places Xmastime Has Had Sex

1) Dairy Queen Bathroom: oh, she got an Xmastime Blizzard that day, my friends
2) Living Room, a Girl’s Dad’s House: had her looking out the window for her dad as I pumped away. No matter what context, no dude wants to hear about another guy coming while fucking.
3) Vestibule of Building Next to Turkey’s Next – the owner of the Nest squeezing by us; a dude so old-school he was apologizing as he was going by, “no no, don’t mind me, I’m leaving…” I'm not saying you should think of this the next time you're looking at your creamy, foamy containier of Bud, but...well, it'd be nice, actually.
4) Woodstock (scroll down to # 5)
5) Some Dorm Down by South Street Seaport – I gotta thing for windows I guess, had the girl palms-flat-on-the-window, 26 floors up overlooking the river. The next morning she mumbled “were we safe?” To which I said “well, you didn’t fall out the window, did you?” Second highlight: her taking me to the front desk to pick up my i.d. from “campus security.” I was 30 years old. Wow.

Tomorrow: Five Great Blowjobs Xmastime Has Gotten! Which means I have 24 hours to get four great ones. Hmm.

The Manny Tapes

I find them interesting, these motherfuckers on the train, always giving the stinkeye to me whenever I'm with the boy and he's being a lil chirpy. I get the raised eyebrow "thanks for ruining my ride, I'm trying to read my New Yorker" look. Just cause the kid's yapping, it's not like he's screaming and crying. Meanwhile, a group of black kids get on the train and run around screaming "yo fuck niggahniggahniggah fuck you fuckfuck fuck fuck niggah fuck niggah!!" and Doucehbag doesn't even raise his head at these guys. Hmm. A mystery.







"Hahahaha! whaddya know, for ONCE Xmastime isn't the biggest pussy in the room!!!"

"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" TV Review Niblet

Pretty much unwatchable. I know I know, big shocker. Why are we even watching scenes of her family without Kim – are we supposed to pretend we’re not just watching hoping Kim’s top will come off, or maybe get some pixilated beef curtains? Camon. It’s 30 minutes of the mother and her litter of puppies saying “that’s how THIS family does it!” while we’re supposed to be impressed with how “entertainingly whacky” they are as well as “normal.” Mustly, it’s a group of women sitting on leather couches waiting for Kim to breeze in, which apparently she does once a year. To the camera the other sisters say things about Kim such as “if she took my sweater I’m gonna choke her with my bare hands!” Which would be interesting since I’m sure Kim has no idea who you are and her bodyguards would come between her neck and your little mitts. Oh, and there’s Bruce Jenner playing the “exasperated dad overrun by girls” role. Wow. TV at it’s best. When are those “writers” going on strike? Not soon enuff.

Order in Which the Desperate Housewives are Mrs. Xmastime

1) Felicity Huffman
2) Eva Longoria
3) Nicolette Sheridan
4) Teri Hatcher (could be higher, tired of her "look at me I'm so goofy!" schtick, a la here w/Alba)
5) Marcia Cross (Xmastime don't do redheads)

I'm a Snob!!!!

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Book Snob You like to think you're one of the literati, but actually you're just a snob who can read. You read mostly for the social credit you can get out of it.
Literate Good Citizen
Dedicated Reader
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

Test yourself here.

Where Sunlight Streams

An extended member of my family died this past week; an older gentleman brought into my life through marriage. There are people in all our lives whom upon hearing they’ve passed we hang up the phone and start thinking oh, fuck...how much is it gonna cost to get to the funeral, this blows my whole weekend but I hafta go, this sucks, etc etc etc. But after hearing about his death I sat back in my chair and wondered to myself why this particular news bothered me so much - I had met the man maybe 6 or 7 times over the last few years. Of course there was the empathy I felt for his loved ones; I clutched at how broken they must've felt at that moment - but why did I feel so robbed, why did I feel so cheated about someone I’d MAYBE seen once every two years or so?

Some people are so, for lack of a better word, GOOD that everyone that comes within their presence absorbs that goodness without even knowing it. You’re a jerk, you’re a complete asshole, doesn’t matter...sometimes you run into somebody that, for no apparent reason, you like - and, more importantly and maybe surprisingly, YOU WANT TO LIKE YOU. You’re a priest, you’re a thief, doesn’t matter: you want this person to like you.

Unfortunately for me I’m the opposite: I meet you, I want to hate you and everyone you’ve ever known, if not for any reason other than I assume you hate me. But some people have the gift to like all those around themselves unconditionally - and these are the people that get it back in spades. Giving your heart to all who come to you is a virtue, and we can certainly see it in those who claim to be our friends and loved ones. These people are, after all, your final tally.

I think he liked me; he certainly got a kick outta me, laughing while I was doing my “shtick” at any family get together. But what I’ll always remember are the times I thought I was respectfully outta earshot and let loose on some “blue” material and, to my embarrassment, realized he had heard me...I'd be horrified, but I’d see him looking at me, and I remember getting a laugh and a sly wink back. He got it, he understood. This train carries saints and sinners. This train carries losers and winners. This train carries whores and gamblers. This train carries lost souls. He got me.

Some people expect you to always be at your best, always in your Sunday suit. Anything less, they will let you know how disappointed in you they are. And some people would never make you feel that way; some people accept yourself as your own Sunday best. Happy you’re there, happy you’re okay and happy we’re all okay. We’re all here, godammit. Show up barefoot in Ocean Pacific shorts, well that’s okay, let’s tell stories til midnight and laugh our heads off. Someone like that, someone like that doesn’t have to win, and you don’t have to lose and neither does anyone else...cause he’s not fighting in the first place. Someone like him, everybody wins. A remarkable thing.

I wish it hadn't taken his leaving for me to learn this. But it did, and maybe with it goes some of my own anger, some of my own violence. One step closer to the land of hope and dreams.

They're Gonna Make It!

First they're big hits on Xmastime,now they're on Letterman. Man. Hold on for the ride, fellas!

Efuckingnough Already

Like everyone else I had fallen into checking out Perez Hilton to get the “gossip” on celebritards. It’s beyond gay to even bat an eye at this shit, but it’s kinda funny to crack on these people with your friends. But now I see that Hilton has his own tv show, and I also see him desperately trying to be on any tv spot that will have him. It’s one thing to riff about Britney with your friends, but now I feel like having a tv show about this nonsense gives it far more credence than it deserves. It’s hard (and sad) to realize how huge the industry of “celebrity gotcha moments” has become. It used to be fun to crack on celebrities, but now that we’ve set up a whole industry for it, well I dunno if I’m down with that. More and more hours of “ooooh, Lindsay’s drinking!!” Great. And now we've actually made someone else a celebrity for talking about...celebrities. And how did this website become so huge in the first place – he’s not even funny, and after about three days you have the formula down yourself. Picture of actress looking dumb with photo-shopped jizz on her lips, picture of young actor with “I am gay” written in and then a few click-throughs to get the latest titty popping out of a dress. Rinse, lather and repeat. Wow. What a genius.

Into the Wild

Since everyone in the free world apparently had already read it and a copy has been sitting on my desk for a year, I finally read "Into the Wild" yesterday. A good read. I'm sure I'll see the flick when it's on cable; tho I'm already sure I'll hate him being portrayed as TOO charasmatic/zen/etc etc. See The Rambler's review here. I had originally written 60000 screaming words re: rich kids eschewing society with their Pop’s Mobil cards in hand and rich mofos who try to look poor, but instead ratcheted it down a notch and thought of two things in particular:

1) The generosity of these strangers…I dunno. Seems a bit much, no? These people that he met traveling, they were popping hammies to jump up and sell their homes to get him a meal and gear, right? While I’m sure some of it’s true, seems like it may be a bit revisionist history on the Samaritans’ parts: “oh yeah, I let him fuck my daughters, gave him our Bronco, blew the kid myself while cramming hundreds up his can….” Some dude tried to give him his credit card number? We’re supposed to believe this? Or are people really that stupid out there? Fascinated me throughout the whole story.

2) Also, to me, the better story was the guy that died because he forgot to arrange for a bush pilot to pick him up at the end of summer. That seemed more tragic to me - the sooner him realizing this fact after his drop-off plane had left all the more tragic. What if AS the plane is taking off he realizes it, tries to scream at it to no avail, and then at that moment has to realize you know what…I’m gonna die a long, slow agonizing death. To me, that’s a helluva a story; kinda like that story of the guy who lets himself be buried to get out of prison, having arranged for a his friend to come dig him up outside the prison gates but the friend dies, and we picture the guy desperately screaming/clawing at the top of his coffin.

3) As for my outrage re: this guy being the poster boy for the teeming loads of young men who are born to lives of wealth and privilege yet insist on pretending to be poor, wearing gas attendant shirts while drinking PBR. Reminding us that it’s cool to LOOK poor, tho it’s not really cool to BE poor. Well, instead of spewing as per usual I’ll let my old friend Albert Hammond say it for me.

Gottsta Get My Swerve On. For Real.

Strolling the boy on the sidewalk the other day we came upon a little black girl, looked to be bout 11 or 12 years old. I broke right and she met me; I immediately tried to swerve the other way but she mirrored my action. We went back and forth for a few, doing some sort of non-touching sidewalk dance, til finally she snapped furiously “Learn to fucking swerve goddammit!” And huffed away passed, shaking her head at my idiocy.





"Hahahahahaha!!! Sing it, sister! He's a fucking douchebag, right???!!!"

Happy Birthday

It’s a funny thing, someone frozen in time...born and raised in those decades that we read about as children, with WWII and Sputnik and rock n roll, coming of age in the decades of social change at the perfect time, having a family as the 70s and small town life reared its safe, familial head, with Little League games and Sunday dinners throughout the 80s. To someone like me, perfectly framed. Shelley Duvall’s clothes in The Shining, McGurk mystery books in the back seat of the family Impala. “The Great Brain” series, Cowboys games on perfect autumn days. The local radio on snowy school mornings, beef stew that’s there every howling winter night, Sunday dinner slowly unfolding. Every decade I knew growing up, years framed out perfectly by memories/life, building decades that made sense. Meant something. Now? Stumbling. At best. Every year since is formless, wandering. Disconnected. I should’ve been a goddam artist. Roll me away. Home isn’t where the heart is; the heart is where home is. Whatever, it doesn't matter cause you suspect the heart’s a myth anyway and the one thing you do know for a fact is you’ll never see home again. Not that one. Cause its frozen in time, far away and as lost as a boy without a mother.

And Hey, It Could Be Worse...

...you could be a Mets fan.

Yankee Update from Below

ALSO...following every pitch of the last 1620+ Yankee games with bated breath, be it lazy June evenings against the Blue Jays or cool October nights playing for keeps I've finally learned two things: 1) it's a long, long, LONG season where anything can happen and 2) just getting into the playoffs is not only not a team's birthright, but it's HARD. I don't think I'm exagerrating when noting how shocking it is that of the eight playoff teams this year, the only team back from last year's playoffs was the Yankees. That's amazing and really hows how grateful we all should be that the Yankees have been there every year since 1995.

ALSO...this "now is the end of the dynasty" nonsense writers are throwing around, enough. Why is this year different than any other year since the last World Series win...seven years ago? You can call the end of the dynasty the moment Luis Gonzales blooped that single in 2001; otherwise, we're rolling on again doing the same thing we always have. There may be another face gone, but there's a LOT of faces have been gone over the years. If a dynasty is based solely on emotion, then the end was in Game 5 six years ago when the fans called out his name over and over as Paul O'Neill stood in right field in The Stadium for the last time. Unless Jeter and Mo and Posada and Andy leave en masse this year, the fact is if you've been calling this a "dynasty" through this year, then you hafta still call it one cause we did the exact same thing as the last two years: made the playoffs, and lost in the first round. So stop with this dramatic "End of an Era" crap already.

My 2008 New York Yamkess

As brokenhearted as I am about the Yankees losing after such a wild season/awesome comeback, I cant say I'm furious like last year. Just sad. Whereas last year I was furious re: Torre's lineup machinations (A-Rod 8th, screwing over the kids that got them there), Shef playing first base and them seeming to just quit, I feel like this year we ran into a buzzsaw of great pitching and ridiculous 2-out hitting. I never thought we quit, thought we'd come back til the very end. Different feel from last year. Not better, but different.

As for all the big changes they keep referring to, who would I want to leave? I could live without Torre, maybe it's time for a new voice (or maybe not) but I don't want anyone out of this lineup; particularly now that they've found some young arms to pitch. My opening day lineup:

Johnny Damon DH
Derek Jeter SS
Bobby Abreu RF
Alex Rodriguez 3B
Hideki Matsui LF
Robinson Cano 2b
Jorge Posada C
Melky Cabrera CF
Andy Phillips 1B

with a starting 5 of Weng/Pettitte/Hughes/Kennedy/Joba.

Why would I want these wholesale changes they're talking about? We had an unbelievable rough start, some bad luck but righted the ship; with a good start next year we can sail. Would you NOT want that lineup batting for your team? Camon.

So let's not panic just to panic. Stay as young as (relatively) possible, stay healthy, and this team can't win 100 games next year?

FFFUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

Though I don’t have my autumn pullover rotation set up like The Rambler, enough with this fucking heat. Fucking miserable. Fucking 11:00pm here in Brooklyn and it is 80 fucking degrees. Miserable. I know we had a mild summer, but fucking enough!!! 100-degree days in July I hate but at least then I hafta grudgingly accept well, it IS summer. But October 8? Are you fucking kidding me? Fan right on me is doing nothing; drenched in sweat and my hair is doing that frizzy-needles-pricking-my-head-cause-it’s-so-fucking-muggy thing. Christ. I’TS FUCKING FALL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for cool, crisp air. I can’t even think about football yet cause it’s so hot, and we’re over a third of the way through the season for fuck’s sake. Miserable. Fuck this shit.

Born in the Al Queda

"The Boss" speaks out against torture.

You know what, bro? Love it or leave it, pal! LOVE IT OR FUCKIN LEAVE IT!!!!

Pushin' Too Hard

Yesterday while wheeling the boy around in his stroller we rolled up beside an old man being pushed in a wheelchair. I saw his little head wheel to the right to stare at the old man for a few seconds, then I could read the kid’s look of relief perfectly: “oh, thank God...I thought I was gonna hafta learn how to walk! This is AWESOME!!!”









"HAHAHA!! Keep pushing, you fucking douchebag!!"

Popcorn and Pubic Hairs

Two distinctly different things, yet they sure have the same effect when they're stuck in the back of your throat, don't they?

Friday Night Lights

Do yourself a favor and watch Friday Night Lights tonite. I will be watching the all-day marathon showing of the first season today on Bravo. The best drama of the last 20 years that's not The West Wing, AND has at least four Mrs. Xmastimes!

Fag Pinz

And while I’m patting Obama on the fanny (jesus...i GOTTA take a break from Mike and the Mad Dog...), good for him for ditching those ridiculous, ubiquitous flag pins that have come to mean nothing other than “I am a living, breathing person and on your tv right now.” Are we really supposed to see these things on EVERY FUCKING PERSON ON TV and decide “wow, ____________ loves freedom! And the troops! Yaaaaaaay, flag pins!” Grow up. Having a little metal pin on your suit doesn’t mean you are any more patriotic than having some whale tail means you’re going to give me a blow job on the bus (though I do enjoy the show.)














And am I dreaming, or is that twice in one day Obama has pleased me? Did some young, buxom staffer catch his hear and let him know that he was getting hammered on Xmastime??!!

Torture: YES NO circle one

Unconquerable Gladness points out here that Obama has quickly come out strong against the administration’s secret torture orders. Another in a long line of unnecessarily secretive, illegal, maybe-nobody-will-notice-we’re-fucking-things-up-totally acts of the administration based on something that TA-DA...doesn’t even work in the first place. How’s torture been working so far? We “kicking ass!” yet? And you know what, if you’re going to do shit that’s immoral and illegal and repulsive to anyone who’s even part human, at least make sure the shit works! Water-board my ass and within seconds I’ll tell you I shot Kennedy, fuck little boys and have never watched all of Caddyshack. Torture does not work; is it worth being morally bankrupt?
But I digress...good for Obama and his quick response. But I’m a little shocked at how long it’s taking the other candidates...I mean, are there really meetings going on right now to decide which side of this thing to come out on? Unless you’re fishing for votes from 2 people (Bush and Cheney), are you really worried how coming out against a secret torture plan will hurt you in the polls? Really? Secret torture orders, and you have to sleep on it?

I’m reminded of a young Josh Lyman, in only the second year of President Bartlett’s first administration, talking to a congressman about gun control:

You know, I realize as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world. And with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid. But we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?

For fuck’s sake. If you can’t come out against this shit, maybe you don’t have the ovaries it takes to be my president.

Seriously, Is this MOtherfucker Getting Paid by the Allusion?

"If I had chased all of these frivolous issues, I never would have turned around the deficit in New York City. I never would have reduced crime . . . welfare . . . and I wouldn't have been able to handle Sept. 11," he said.

Yet ANOTHER way Count Douchebag has found to squeeze 9-11 into questions re: his wife's infamous cell phone call during his chat with the NRA. Fucking hell - which reporter is he gonna pay to ask him on the record for the Yankees' odds of winning it all this year, to which he'll respond "...to win the Series?...oh, I'm gonna say the odds are ... 9 to 11."? aaarrgggghhh!!!

Fuck Yeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!!!!!

Mrs. Xmastime!! Clawing her way back into my boudoire!!!!

Dipshit. As Right as Ever.

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush after voting against realignment and a new wild-card system during a Major League Baseball owners meeting in September 1993. Bush was the lone dissenter in a 27-1 vote.

(courtesy ESPN)

What the Fuck, Brah?

One thing that I've notcied lately more and more in movies and tv is when a couple is frantically having spontaneous sex in a public or semi-public place, the woman still insists on taking the guy's shirt off. I don't understand this one. "we're in the airplane bathroom, we have 90 seconds to fuck....let's get this shirt off, Charlie..." I know it's been a while, but I'm pretty sure that's the one half of the guy that can stay covered during the act. I have yet to have a partner who desperately wanted to lap away at my chest; particularly if we were in a rushed situation. Is this just me? Drop the drawers, gets to fuckin and keep your shirt on, dude!

Fried-Egg Areola, or Shadow?

Probably shadow, but...its' thrillingly close enuff to imagine, at least. Hmm. It's as if SOMEone hasn't seen one in a spell....

"You Ain't No Manager."

Gee. Whadd'ya know - Fred Thompson might not be the magnificent white knight the GOP was hoping. I guess it's a little tougher when you don't have Dick Wolf writing your line, eh? Shocker. I was dead on here earlier; dude doesn't wanna even be president, just was enjoying the unwarranted hero-worship from these nitfucks who thought he was the answer. He's a joke, look for him to fizzle quickly.

Hmm. Looks like Roseanne had him pegged two decades ago.

Baptist Buses and Big Brothers

The "bear shit in the woods" bit below reminded me of my favorite of that genre, a la "does the pope wear a funny hat?" I don't know if he made it up, but when we were in high school once my brother used the phrase "does a Baptist church have a bus?" I guess only Southerners will get that. Still cracks me up.

HOWEVER.

The other day my brother, heretofore reasonably smart and rational, told me he thought the Sports Guy's Mike and the Mad Dog article was better than mine. I know he reads Xmastime, so I'm posting right now: no written apology/admission of wrongness, no Xmas gifts for Paddy Mac this year. I will cut the boy out of my life; he will grow up uncle-less! Well, except for his other uncle (whom I now publicly ask to join me in this crusade for righteousness.) The clock is ticking, I await your letter of apology. Thank you.







"Yo Pops, it's me! Listen, GET your ass a-typing and apologize to Xmastime! You were wrong, get over it! Do the right thing! Xmastime is amazing! I just shit myself! I'm out!"

What a "Journalist"!

I’ve been seething at Bob Raissman for fucking years now. Dude gets paid A LOT OF MONEY to basically watch Yankee games and squeal “oooh!! Oooh! Gotcha!!” the second the folks at “Yank-Zeera” show any sort of happiness re: Yankee play. GOD FORBID Jeter hits one out and Kenny Singeton says “wow, what a great hit.” This would lead this motherfucker to call Singleton to the mat and write up 800 words on what pandering propagandists the Yankee announcers are…on the Yankees own network. He’s beyond a fucking douche; I can’t believe he gets paid to whine and cry like a fucking baby.

And now Raissman is gleefully popping a hammy sprinting to tell us the big, ugly secret of playoff baseball. You ready for this? I don’t think you are…but, here it is anyway:

TBS would like to make money during the playoffs.

Wow. Thanks Bob. You did it! You cracked the case! Maybe tomorrow you can shriek that oh my, men like to have sex with women! Wow!!!! This just in: bears shit in the woods!!!!

And at the very end, shithead tries to lay a super-dramatic “can you believe the unfairness?” line on us with “At least the fans fortunate enough to have cable TV.” Hmm. I’m sorry dickhead, but maybe what, 3% of homes don’t have cable now? This isn’t 1966, nobodies fucking with the rabbit ears to get the picture un-fuzzy. But he wants us to get gut-punched as if we’re talking about starving children. Fuck you, dickhead. Get a fucking life. And take your stupid, gay, "look at me!!" wannabe walrus mustache with you.

Why I Love "The Real World" So Much

Parisa (Mrs. Xmastime) and Tricia (God-squadder with serious boyfriend back home) are flirting with the same dude in Australia. One of the roommates says to Tricia well, Parisa thinks you'll back off when you see that she really likes him. To whit:

Tricia: "WHAT? Hey, I have a serious boyfriend and THAT'S not gonna stop me from hooking up with him; why would she think her liking him would??!!

Beautiful.










"WHO said I couldn't be a cheating slut?!?! Fuck you!!!"

In a stunning turn of events, Barack Obama actually said something more than “hope and hope meets hope and hope America!!” To me, his first step in what should be a home run trot was taken when he said

And when I'm President, we'll reject torture - without exception or equivocation; we'll close Guantanamo

For ONCE saying something specific he’d do, something he will stand for. For ONCE letting me in, letting me feel like he’s not just a superhero without a cape.

HOWEVER.

He needs to shut up about being against the Iraq War “from the beginning.” I’m sorry, but if you’ll notice, he did not get a vote. Yeah, he came out early and railed, but he wasn’t held accountable to the emotions of constituents that were at the time calling for blood. Believe me, I have a post coming up in the future about the failings of Congress re: letting emotions rule the day when it came to voting for war; but Obama repeatedly pointing out that he was against the war is like me saying I woulda drafted Jordan ahead of Sam Bowie: that’s great, but guess what? He didn’t have to deal with it at the time. He didn’t have history breathing down his neck, he didn’t have a country staring at him looking for payback. He could’ve said “eat at Pizza Hut!” at the time, and nobody would’ve noticed.

I’m still waiting for Obama’s home run. I do believe it’s coming, and this speech was the first step. But I’m warning him, drop the rhetoric re: "I would've voted no!" You’ll lose. Nipping at the ankles of those who actually had to vote makes you look small. You loom much larger when you tell us where you'll take us tomorrow, how you'll CHANGE things, how you'll move us forward. Demand from us what you will offer, and we'll line up to deliver.

NEVER FORGET

The Search is O V E R!!!

They say that when the Lord closes one door, he opens another. I've never really believed this to be true until this very moment. Just as I was about to finally cut Britney loose as Mrs. Xmastime, just as I was about to lay my head in my hands and weep "who shall be Mrs. Xmastime now", wondering if I'd ever find someone to replace my beloved Britney, here she has been sent to me, as if a gift from on high. I present to you: Mrs. Xmastime.

"We can’t afford to keep being this stupid"

Tom Friedman nails it on the head in the Times aujourd'hui.

We have got to get our groove back. We need a president who will unite us around a common purpose, not a common enemy. Al Qaeda is about 9/11. We are about 9/12, we are about the Fourth of July — which is why I hope that anyone who runs on the 9/11 platform gets trounced.