This is a cow that's about to make the wrong decision. #officecow

Questions. I Have Them.

Is it outside the bounds of society to ask your cabdriver to go through a drive-thru? Asking for a friend. 

More Xmastime Memories

On drinking with Tom Scharpling's The Best Show sidekick, Mike Lisk.

Xmastime Memories

Breast Exam.

"You Didn't Build That"

Nobody likes to admit out loud "part of my success is due to economic and social conditions cemented long before I was even born"; we must be made to believe that Successful Person X was left to die in a dumpster, then pulled himself up by his own bootstraps and became a real rags to riches story.  Nobody's happy simply to have been given the keys to the kingdom, they also hafta portray themselves as "victims." - XMASTIME

Turns out hey guess what, who get's a shitload of charity? Mega-rich corporations. Of course.

Consider Charles and David Koch. Their company, Koch Industries, has relied on $88 million worth of government handouts. Yet, as the major financiers of the anti-government right, the Kochs are still billed as libertarian free-market activists.

All of these handouts, of course, would be derided if they were going to poor people. But because they are going to extremely wealthy politically connected conglomerates, they are typically promoted with cheery euphemisms like “incentives” or “economic development.” Those euphemisms persist even though many subsidies do not end up actually creating jobs.

And oh, let's not forget my old buddy Curt Schilling!!!!

And not to be forgotten is 38 Studios, the now bankrupt software firm that received $75 million in Rhode Island taxpayer cash. The company received the handout at the very moment Rhode Island was pleading “poverty” to justify cuts to public workers’ retirement benefits.

Wait, What?

The Virginia Cavaliers are 15-1 in the ACC? When did this happen? As you know, I've long mused about The Dark Ages: When UVa Hoops Mattered.

Of course I've prolly now jinxed them, but I will commemorate their standing with a photo from my favorite team and player ever, the 1981 Final Four team with Jeff Lamp (who's curiously absent from the internet.)

#amazingshitIsayonadailybasis

This is a cow quietly wondering how he's going to give his presentation if he can't find a dongle. #officecow

True Dat

1975

The Boss in Australia

This is a cow that suddenly wishes the office bathrooms weren’t so far down the hall. #officecow

This is a cow rather patiently trying to walk the new guy through Dropbox. #officecow

Yglesias Calling

Sullly rails against this Cheney moment on Hannity last night re: cutbacks in the military:

This is a cow that’s just about to realize he forgot to actually put the bread in the toaster. #officecow

RIP Harold Ramis

In the wake of his death I won't claim to be any more of a Harold Ramis fan than anyone else, and by now the "The nerds have won!" trope is tired anyway, but I do like this particular number from a list of Harold Ramis quotes:

. “Nothing reinforces a professional relationship more than enjoying success together.” 

Amen.

Finally.

McDonald's considering extending their breakfast hours. Which is a great shock of course, since people have only been clamoring for this since about 8 seconds after they stopped breakfast service the very first day they ever served breakfast.

Of course, they tease us with this shit every year, so.

And I must disagree with the guy below - I put no hash brown above McDonald's greasy, fluffy, buttery, crispy slice of heaven.

There's something incongruous about anyone now being horrified at Chris Christie's alleged GWBridgegate bullying tactics, yet popped their hamstrings jumping up to cheer wildly whenever he showed up on YouTube bullying the fuck out of someone at one of his town hall meetings - acting like a petty, vindictive asshole was something to be celebrated. Barring the possibility of someone dying because of the traffic, they both reek of the same note to me.

Fashion Herald: Traitor?

Of course you many, many  non-existant  fans remember my days as Fashion Herald's Fashion Week aidekick, so yes, you are 100% to be shocked that for some reason she still somehow enjoys it without me.

You have the right to remain baffled, Earth.

Downton Finale Note

I'm not saying it means anything, but this American valet's voice is the exact same as that melted-face dude from a few years ago who claimed to be the Downton heir. #justsayin

Ideas. I Have Them.

Olympic sport idea: rearranging an already-packed refrigerator to accommodate a large amount of beer.

Mind. Blown. And Then Mashed?

Like everyone else I've kinda had enough of these "You're doing it wrong!" lists but this one blew my mind:

14. You’re Doing It Wrong: Peeling a Potato with a Peeler

thisweekfordinner.com

You are wasting so much valuable potato!

The Right Way:

all-thats-interesting.tumblr.com

After boiling the potato, put into cold water for 5 minutes. Twist the potato skin off with your hands — it should come right off.

All These Years Rocking, And I've Finally Found My Demographic.

Cassette Spines

I've long blathered on this blog about the lost beauty of the mix tape, and now I'm reminded of cassette tape spines.

There was a refreshing DYI arty artlessness to it, though I spent more time on my cassette rack's order: By favorite band, chronologically. And I can still remember which albums were paired together on a single 90-minute Maxell tape, whether or not they made sense, such as Tim/Sorry Ma, Subterranean Jungle/Brain Drain and Mystery Road/3.

Hate-watching

This piece of shit.

How Slow Is This F--King Jogger?

Some dipshit cops in Austin handcuffed and dragged away a jogger who "resisted arrest" because she had her headphones on. But this to me is the most surprising part:

The officer quickly caught up with her and grabbed Stephen’s arm from behind...

Gotdam. I'm pretty sure NYC cops couldn't have done that.

This is a cow about to start a meeting that for some reason was scheduled for 4:30pm on a Friday.

This is a cow that's quite pleased to receive his new business cards.

This is a cow thinking about buying a Paul Revere & the Raiders album.

This Is a Cow Waiting Patiently For a Conference Room to Be Free.

15 Last Photos of Famous People

HERE.

Of course the weirdest is John Lennon, whose last photograph includes his soon-to-be murderer Mark David Chapman.

On a side note, as a Beatles fanatic I must admit I never knew what the last photo they were all in together as The Beatles was, but apparently this is it. In August 22, 1969.

Interesting Note

Re: Reality Bites:

The movie holds up, but what you can’t help but notice in 2014 is that it’s the last movie made about young people before the internet. If it had come out even six months later, every character would have had a kicky start-up job. Lelaina would have been a blogger and Vickie would have wasted time in sexy chat rooms. But no: These kids had to exist in the physical world. They had to work at the Gap. They had to start bands and play shows for people. If they had a quip to share, they had to go to where their friends were and say it to their faces. From today’s perspective, Reality Bites might as well be Downton Abbey. 

Of course I've mused about Reality Bites many times myself.

Ofuckinghio

So many astronauts came from Ohio, NASA actually addresses it on their site.

Has the NYC Slice Declined in Quality?

Thanks to the dollar slice, maybe:

Most of the dollar slice joints in Manhattan have ousted far superior places because people (including myself from time to time, I'm ashamed to admit) would rather pay $1 for a slice of something hot, filling, and decidedly low-quality than $2.50 for something made with better ingredients from a pizzaiolo who is skilled at their craft and puts care and attention into their pies. 

When I moved there in 1998 the only dollar slice place I knew was The Charleston (before they renovated and took out all the fucking charm.) And you could get an entire pizza (even after 14+ years in Brooklyn I can't pull off saying "pies") for just $7. It wasn't world class pizza, but it was very good and had a unique flavor and texture to it. IE, it had a shit-ton of cheese on it. Right after I moved there the fancy-pizza Anna Maria's moved in and everybody went (still, I think) crazy for their barely stopping from buckling under the weight of its 14 toppings slices, but I always preferred the simplicity of the Charleston dollar slice.

Oh, and a certain somebody rocked the house there throughout the summer of 2003. But whatevs.

This Is a Cow Working On His Bench Press

February 19

Forty-eight years ago today, my parents got married in a blizzard - all the pictures I've seen look like a tv with shitty reception. Then, not yet satisfied, sensing they could do better than blinding snow and near-zero temperatures, they went to Canada for their honeymoon.  It's soothing to know my dimwittedness comes honestly.

It was also on this day in the 11th grade that I got my SAT scores and saw that I had, rather incredibly I must say, gotten a lower score than when we had taken the SAT in the 7th grade.  I don't remember why we took it in the 7th grade, it was some experimental thing or some shit, but to come back four years later and do worse might remain my greatest feat, and it was completely due to the fact that I was in the throes of desperately trying to woo the young lady who was (shortly thereafter, thankfully) to become my first girlfriend, and spent a rather larger chunk of time during the test looking out the window and singing love songs in my head, dreaming about our future life together.  I was quite an impressive young man.

Oh, don't worry; a few months later once I had her firmly squired in my web of love, I re-took the test and did so well that it automatically qualified me to be in the "honors program" at my Almost Matters, allowing me to rub elbows with the hoi-polloi of academia.

Questions. I Have Them.

If science could bring the Jetsons and Flintstones together, why the hell couldn't we have had the Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie visit Walton Mountain?

A Marley Memory

Part 1 of This Week's Downton Abbey Recap

- Edith, to the new pig guy: “Where did you learn about pigs?” Gee I dunno, dingbat, maybe he knows pigs because 1) he's a farmer and 2) it's 1922? I wish he’d answered “Pig school, graduated Magna Cum Pork.”

- I really hope Isobel takes a bat the Dowager’s head soon. This entire season has been a one-person roast of Isobel, and Violet is Jeffrey Ross.

- Baxter asks Molesley for the down-low on the Bates’, meaning she’s the only idiot more clueless than Molesley. I also have no idea how to spell Molesley, and have exactly zero interest in taking the 2.1 seconds to look it up…cause fuck him, that’s why.

- Who are these children? Oh that’s right, Mary and Branson both have kids. I haven’t seen a kid  disappear that quickly since my uncle came into town with his "ice cream truck"  hidden in a show this much since that loaf of bread in Party of Five. And yes, everybody want to be, closer to freeeeeeeeeeee!!!

- Anna just told Mary it was Mr. Green who serviced her affections after she announced her scent in the kitchen that time. (I’m sorry, but these people have made me hate them.)

- Can’t beat knowing your husband can snap into a homicidal maniac, can you? Imagine Bates if he was around for NFL Sundays and had a favorite team. He’d last about 3 plays into the season before the first domestic abuse call.

- I like Bates’ various canes hanging on the wall like a trophy case. “This one helped me walk in here for the first time, back in 1912. This one was in my hand when I was married to Anna. The rest I just use to beat the shit out of people ‘cause I’m a fucking loose cannon jackoff.”

- Poor Alfred, proposes to whatsherface just because she didn’t stick his head in the toilet bowl and give him a swirly when he showed up last time. This guy has lower expectations for himself than a chicken in Colonel Sanders' house.

- Mary: “We must rise to life’s challenges.” Yes, like being born into the reigning family of an entire village with vast wealth. You don’t want her problems; reminds me of a certain somebody:

About halfway through the season, some people were counting the Steelers out, Bush said.

"They said you didn't have a chance," Bush deadpanned. "I kind of know the feeling."

Cause yeah, if you’re born into an amazingly rich and powerful family, get into Yale even though you MIGHT be retarded, get handed a Major League Baseball team, have the keys to the White House while your dad is vice-president/president for 12 years, and then get handed the presidency even though you might not have actually won, I guess it’s natural to feel like the deck’s stacked against you. Poor guy.

- Rose hoping to piss off her mother by curing racism forever. Ambitious. I pissed my parents off by things like eating all the apples in an apple pie, so. Kind of the same thing?

- Moseley’s come-on to Baxter: “I’ve spent my whole life feeling fragile.” Hey, a player plays – next time through the kitchen, he can drop hints about his tiny dick and chronic bed-wetting. That shit's in the bag, dawg!

- Frightened to see what Branson’s new love-interest looks like without her stupid hat. Looks like a turkey with one of those pop-up thingees. (In other words, I’d totally do her.)

- Branson stole “Not that there’s anything wrong with it” from Seinfeld…almost 75 years before Seinfeld said it himself!! Is Branson a wizard?


- How many fucking times is Gillingham gonna “drop by” Downton? He’s been there almost as many weekends as Matthew during the Battle of the Somme, for fuck’s sake.

- HOW CREEPY WAS THAT EVIL CLOWN MAKEUP LOOK CORA GAVE WHEN SHE WAS LEAVING EDITH AND ROSEMOND!?!?!?!?!!?  Are you kidding me - no wonder they kids don’t come around, she scares the hell out of them.

- Hmmmm…Bates just happened to ask the guy who assaulted Anna “Where do you live?” Julian Fellowes, you slick bastard. I'm just surprised he didn’t have Bates ask “And if I was to Google Earth your house, what address would I look up? Uh huh, uh huh, interesting....(scribbling a note)...aaaaaaaaaaand what are your normal routines out and about the town? No reason, just asking. For a friend."

- Poor Ethan Napier. The 4th wheel. That should be a category in porn, “The Napier”: The sad sack that comes wandering into group sex scenes and never gets laid. Smiles the entire time and brings the sodas. “Hey guys!”

- What the hell is this, the lineup at the worst Bunny Ranch in the world?

- Of course it took exactly nothing for Violet to sniff out Edith’s pregnant. I hope when I’m 115 years I’m just as concerned with the day-to-day goings on of everybody around me.

- Mrs. Hughes: “(something something) for the village people.” Surely Fellowes inserted this as a goof, right? How great would it be if the camera panned the bazaar stalls and in one of them was an Indian, a police chief, a construction worker, Prancer, Donner & Blitzen?

 - They’re trying to set Isobel up with the guy from the Twisted Sister video?

- …who immediately asks how’s Matthew doing. Ah yes, the “cutting a fart in church” of conversation starters. Smooth move, dipshit – what else has Moseley taught you at his Macking 101 workshops?

- Mary tries to stop the Rose/Jack Ross marriage, and of course succeeds spectacularly:

“You can’t marry her.”
“But we’re in love! You just don’t get it, you don’t understand that a man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
“She’s never seen a single Tyler Perry movie.”
“That white BITCH!”

Cover Song That's Better Than the Original du Jour

This one's hardly fair, since The Doors suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Happy Presidents Day: President John Tyler Update.

A few years ago I pointed out this ridiculous fact, that John Tyler, our 10th president, still has two grandsons living.

2014 UPDATE: Still alive.

I mean, wtf?

February 17 - Special 25th Year Edition!

Reprinted every fucking year, although this is the 25th-year anniversary of the event. Yaaaaay!)

First time I kissed my high school girlfriend was Feb 17, and the day I met my college girlfriend was Feb. 17. My first high school girlfriend kiss took place at a party after a basketball game – matter of fact the party was at Troy Allen’s, whose name later was legally changed to Troy “Circling Over Your Relationship Like a Buzzard, waiting for it to Die So I Can Swoop in and Fuck Your Girlfriend” Allen. You know those guys. 8 seconds after you break up he pops up outta nowhere and is all in her grill. Grrr. ANYways, I mustered up the gumption to ask her outside, to sit in Will Acree’s car to “talk.” So we get in the back seat and I…well, I start talking. And talking. And talking. I’m actually blathering on and on about the stupid game as she stares at me wondering if I dig dudes. Finally in the middle of one of my cleverly crafted anecdotes about the game I just lean in and POW! plant one on her. I lean back, thrilled outta my mind, awash in new teenage love and…well. Start talking again. Right in mid-sentence from where I had left off. Blah blah fucking blah “…and then Coach he leans over and says blah blah blah blah” Christ. Anyways I guess we made out some more, then went back in to the party. Me abuzz in my case of love, her…well, she probably had a buzz on. Also, February 17 here is ironic, since that's the day Michael Jordan was born. He of course played in Chicago, which is where the last girl I was in love with moved to. Ah yes. The sweet, horrible cycle of life.

Interesting Downton Abbey Point(s)

Via Vulture:

After finding out that Lord Gillingham — who seriously will not go away — planned to return to Downton, Anna finally confessed to Mary that Gillingham’s valet, Mr. Green, was the man who raped her. “I’m terrified every time Mr. Green and Mr. Bates are in the same room,” she said. I can understand why it would be unsettling for her husband and her rapist to be near each other, especially when she’s trying to keep the identity of her rapist a secret. But first and foremost: Wouldn’t she be terrified just to be in the same room with Mr. Green? On the list of things that terrify her, shouldn’t “possibly being raped again by this horrible bastard” be first and “memories of previously being raped by this horrible bastard” be second, with “my husband possibly trying to kill this bastard who raped me” coming in a distant third?

When Julian Fellowes forces Anna to say things like that, it suggests that one man’s violation of a woman is really the story of how another man (Bates) will respond to it, instead of how the woman who suffered is dealing with it. That’s been the flaw with this plot line from minute one. Using Anna’s rape primarily as a (possible) setup for Bates to commit another crime trivializes the actual crime committed against Anna.

Also, I've mentioned many times on this blog that the writers for some reason HATE Edith, and the Vulture writer agrees:

“Sometimes I feel like God doesn’t want me to be happy,” Edith said. No, no, Edith. It’s not God who’s insisting on your unhappiness. It’s Julian Fellowes.

My Life in Haircuts: What the Hell Have I Been Thinking?

...it occurred to me over Christmas, while I was getting a haircut from a woman - what the FUCK have I been thinking re: my policy of only getting my hair cut by grizzled old dudes? When it comes to sex I somehow let go of this policy, why can't I do the same with my precious coif? For fuck's sake...this chick wasn't even hot, but for only $12 she was running her fingers through my absurdly beautiful locks while rubbing her tits up against me, making my foot-long electric razor almost shoot shaving cream. Anybody getting these shaving innuendos? What the fuck have I been thinking? What the fuck, am I gunning for a Congressional Medal awarding me for being the last man on Earth to get a haircut for $8? Enough's enough.

Is there a place that gives haircuts by Hooters girls? Or topless, even? How much would you pay for that - you gotta get your hair cut anyways, why not by some smoking hot big-tittied chick who's tonguing your ear? Camon. Like Kurt Cobain, a no-brainer.- XMASTIME

Surely I'm not the first person who's come up with the Hooters barber shop idea, am I?

"You say you just want a little trim?"

Happy Valentine's Day

What with my over the top, bordering on the dangerous luck with the ladies, Valentines Day has always been a big deal for me. Let's take a walk through the years and, starting with 8th grade, see how each Valentine's Day went for our guy Xmastime.

1986: nothing
1987: nothing
1988: nothing
1989: bought rose for a girl I was into and later dated for two years. My first love. Of course by the time it got to her it had died and shriveled up. And that ended up being the highlight of our relationship.
1990: I think I got a keychain shaped like a heart from her. Ring-a-ding fucking ding.
1991: nothing
1992: nothing
1993: nothing
1994: had a girlfriend, but can't remember. Sounds like it was amazing.
1995: broke up with my college girlfriend on actual V-Day. ka-CHING! It’s called timing, people.
1996: nothing
1997: nothing
1998: nothing
1999: nothing
2000: nothing
2001: nothing
2002: nothing
2003: nothing
2004: nothing
2005: nothing
2006: nothing
2007: nothing
2008: nothing
2009: nothing
2010: nothing
2011: nothing
2012: nothing
2013: nothing
2014: nothing as of 12:10pm

Dang.

Lego Genius

This blooper reel the Lego movie made absolutely makes me want to see the actual movie.

Headline du Jour

Making Lemonade

Yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't into these farewell tours by baseball players that surely will become de riguer. Today, the always-hilarious Derek Jeter's Diary points out one good thing about Jeter's upcoming tour: it will overshadow that fucking douchebag Bud Selig's Farewell Tour he was planning for himself as if anyone gives a shit.

There’s a knock at the window at exactly 3 a.m. I get up to see what it is.

It’s a crow. A crow larger than any crow I’ve ever seen. A crow the size of Andy Stankiewicz.

It stretches a leg toward me. A scroll is tied to it with a leather lace.

I read the scroll:

Dear Captain,

The timing of your Retirement is inconvenient.

This was to be my Retirement year alone.

There is not Ample room for two Retirements.

But what is Done is Done.

And so in public I shall sing Hosannas to you.

But in private I shall Curse your name

And work to destroy your Legacy

So that nothing remains but Despair and Ruin.

Just as I did to The A-Rod.

No one is bigger than Our Game

but The Commissioner,

Who holds the Power of Life and Death.

Yours,

A.H. Selig

Commissioner of the Base-Ball

Whats Happening!! Quote of the Moment

Darlene: You should have seen Rerun during the football game, he was all over the field!
Shirley: Yeah? What did he do, lie down on it?

That Guy

The Sports Guy is the one that came with the "That Guy" meme re; movies; for example, he lists over a dozen as being in Billy Crystal's fantastic *61. In flipping around right now (thanks, snow!), I'd say that Thirteen Days is also chockful of guys in the the That Guy Hall of Fame.

As a side note yes, I still have a problem with the movie:

Costner's accent. For fuck's sake...in this flick he's playing Kennedy adviser Kenny O'Donnell. Kenny O'Donnell...does anyone have any idea how Kenny O'Donnell talked in real life? Is his speech pattern/accent Cosell-esque; ie ingrained in us so much that an actor would have to try to imitate it? Anyone whipping out their Ken O'Donnell imitations at dinner parties? For fuck's sake Kevin you're not playing one of the Kennedys; I can fucking promise you there's not a single person watching the movie that is thinking "hey, waaaaaaaiit a minute...THAT'S not how Kenny O'Donnell talked! This is bullshit!!"

Could've just talked normally, nobody would've cared. 

NFL GAY

The best part about the whole Michael Sam thing is that he was chosen as the best defensive player in the SEC. The SEC, as in the NFL's 9th division. It's not as if he's some middling player that can be easily dismissed - if you're the best defensive player in the best football conference in the history of the world, I'd love to hear NFL teams explain why they don't want you on their team. I'd love to hear these GMs explain to their fans why they didn't draft him.

Dying.

The Onion does a Derek Jeter retrospective. My favorite:

Finally! I Win!!!

OMG my new cable package has every single episode of What's Happening!! on demand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gabba Gabba Hey, Motherfuckers

Old NPR joint on The Ramones.

A Day No Pigs Would Die

She rudely adds that “it’s a wonder you can talk at all...living in this house and all its Shaker ways. You’d get better than a D in English if you were a fearing Baptist.” At these words, Robert’s heart almost stops beating. He has heard about the Baptists, who “put you in water to see how holy you were. . .If you didn’t come up, you got dead and your mortal soul went to Hell. But if you did come up, it was even worse. You had to be a Baptist.” A Day No Pigs Would Die

"Hear me God, it's hell to be poor!"  A Day No Pigs Would Die

I've blathered on Xmastime many, many times about my superslice A Day No Pigs Would Die, and now I've stumbled upon this quick synopsis as pat of what is surely an intoxicating series, the Minute Book Report on YouTube.

Goodbye Jeet

I love Jeter. His career has coincided with my becoming/being a Yankees fan. But I'm not about another farewell tour.

1. It means his days as a Yankee are coming to an end
2. The whole going round and accepting gifts from others teams thing, I feel like we just did with Mo. I guess it's just the way things are now. I'm not saying Jeter doesn't deserve it, but enough already. These things always get diluted; it's a slippery slope until Eduardo Nunez gets a farewell tour.
3. No matter what, there's no way he can top this moment with him & Andy & Mo. I mean, there's just no way.

Sad As Hell.

Happy Birfday

To an all-time Mrs. Xmastime, the batshit that has fueled probably 1000 Xmastime posts!!!!

Dammit, wish I had realized this earlier, woulda dedicated a day to her. Instead, here's a "Best-of" from her..."tv show":

- My favorite might be when Sniffs busts Piper cheating on her times tables by using a calculator. She barks at her "that's cheating, you can't do that!" Piper just kinda shrugs her shoulders at her, and Sniffy goes back to clicking away at her blackberry, presumably tweeting away to her Prayer Warriors that she's about to buy a new gun and blow away some stupid fucking bears. Mama Grizzly puts her kids first, but not enough to actually give a shit if her kid learns her times tables.

- One of the more interesting flat-out lies  things about the Sarah Palin Alaska show is she can't seem to go more than a few minutes without moaning "oh gee, why can't just stay here for the rest of our lives, enjoying the nature and tranquility?" Of course, the joke here is that SHE CAN. Besides the fact that anyone in America has the freedom to live where they choose, she has more than enough money to live like a fucking queen in Alaska until the mothership comes to get her. 

- But isn't it enough with the fucking fish? Christ, another fucking round of pounding and battering on the ol' tuna boat - what the fuck am I watching, The Best of John Holmes?

- The Palin girls are who we need to send over to, say, North Korea to scare Krazy Jong-il. They can just hang out in his bathroom and scare the shit out of him when he goes in it.  "So...Mr. Chink...I understand we have a problem?"  (puts her cigarette out on Willow's forehead, who stares at Jong-Il while smacking her palm with a wooden bat; behind Jong-il Piper locks the door.)

- My favorite line from tonight's episode of Sniff Your Enthusiasm is when Sniffy, Todd and Bristol are skeet-shooting, which Lil' Sniffs has never done before. So she's shooting without hitting a single one. Miss, miss, miss. All of a sudden Sniffy shouts out "oooh, close!" . . .What?...you really fucking telling me that you can see a fucking bullet that's about an inch long and traveling almost 1500mph? Really?  Cause I'll be honest - if that's true, you have my vote. Hell, maybe you fucking CAN see Russia from not only your house, but the fucking White House.

- TLC has basically laid out this tv series to give Sniffy free reign to control how the world sees her and her family, and yet in the editing room she didn't notice that when she made this remark to her son he looked like she had just cut one.  

- Sniffy spends a lot of time on her show every week claiming she deserves a medal because as THE Mama Grizzly, she'd rather her kids not get eaten by a bear. And so on this week's episode, what does she do? Takes 10 kids and puts them in a situation that they have to get training on what to do if a bear attacks them. Of course. If you love your kids so much, maybe you don't put them in situations in which they need to 1) learn how to shoot a rifle  2) know that the more noise they make, the less likely bears will swarm in and eat them.

-  I spent the last 40 minutes or so of last night's episode working myself up into a lather over the absurdity that we're supposed to believe that she's gone hunting with her dad a million times, that she makes trips to the Arctic Circle trio shoot caribou like the rest of us go to the store to buy socks, and yet she mysteriously had no idea whether or not her rifle had a kick. Also, she shot at least five times, and the caribou didn't move. Didn't budge. Didn't flinch. Not once. Now, I'm not a big game hunter so I have no idea how this shit works, but I would think that the incredibly loud crack of the rifle might startle an animal into thinking "shit, that sounds bad, I better get the fuck outta here" and not "sounds loud, I should probably stand here atop this hill preening like a fucking asshole." Strange.

Suicide is Young

CNN on a 4 year-old who is suicidal.

Frightening beyond belief that a kid so young could even know such a thing exists. Unfortunately, reminds me of Boy Interrupted, which fucked me the fuck up. Ugh.

Shirley Temple

So, Shirley Temple died today. Back in 2007 I put together a People I'm surprised Are Still Alive list. And Shirley Temple wasn't on that list because even back in 2007 there's no way in hell it would've even remotely occurred to me that she could possibly be alive.

She's the perfect storm for such a list: became famous before FDR took office as a 4 year-old, went away from the public eye soon after, and became a name so familiar in the public domain that most people even forgot it was a real person.

Who Says Teachers Aren't Qualified?

Some of My Greatest Tweets During The Beatles Tribute Tonight

Can be found HERE.

You're welcome.

NFL Hopeful Comes Out of the Closet Before Draft, Agent Cancels Fucking Deposit on Fucking Pool

Exasperating Conversation du Jour

Helping a friend load a heavy cardboard box into a car to return to Lowes:

Me: So what is this?
Him: My Christmas gift from ________.
Me: (starting to fume) I know, but what is it?
Him: It's a tool.
Me: (fuming) Yes, but WHAT tool?
Him: (exasperated at me): Dude! It's written on the box!
Me: (full-on ready to explode): No it's not!
Him: (realizing it's not) Oh...it's a tool chest.

Cue head exploding.

Well Done

The Ed Sullivan Theater marquee made to look like it did 50 years ago tonight:

The marquee outside the CBS Ed Sullivan Theater, which normally displays 'The Late Show with David Letterman' was altered to look like the display when the Beatles played there in February 1964.

Things I Wish I Could Say to Kids, Part II

(4 year-old showing me a book about letters.)

HER: The letter "M" starts with "mittens."
ME: You mean "mittens" starts with the letter "M."
HER: NO! The letter "M" starts with "mittens."
ME: Oh, well I guess you'd know since you can't read or write.

Things I Wish I Could Say to Kids, Part I

(4 year-old showing me her newest shirt, something with bears and hearts on it)

Her: ta-da-DA!
Me: it's "ta-DA", not "ta-da-DA"...what're you, a fucking idiot?

50 Years Ago Today

This guy has been proven to be somewhat incorrect on this point:

And there was Ray Bloch, the musical director for “The Ed Sullivan Show.” He was so unimpressed by the Beatles that he told a reporter for The New York Times: “The only thing that’s different is the hair, as far as I can see. I give them a year.”

"Oh, and could someone tell Bloch his stupid ass is canned?"

Sugar Sugar Xmastime!

As you already know, the Archies' classic Sugar Sugar will play a part in my comically-yet-appropriately long funeral:

Also, don't let my buddy Dave forget the up and down tease as they lower and raise my casket into the grave to Sugar Sugar; or that just when people think they can no longer squeeze out another tear, from off past the horizon, past a hill, they barely hear the strains of something they gradually begin to pick up as the horrible minutes pass, until they realize it's Op blowing sadly on a tuba, walking over that hill and slowly making it to the grave, emotion therein unrestrained among those grieving who haven't required medical assistance/hydration yet.

It also made my Top 50 of All Time list.

AND NOW.

Thanks to RRTHUR of NYC FAB 50 (yes ladies, THAT RRTHUR) Ron Dante, lead singer of the Archies, knows my name!!

Vanderpump Rules

Via GRANTLAND:

Why did we not get to see Kristen tell Tom she fucked Jax? Why is Stassi so concerned with breaking up Kristen and Tom? Have you seen Katie’s reel? In what workplace is it OK to be all up against each other, naked? How is that legal? How do they find so much time to argue while they’re serving tables? Do they really put triple sec in everything? How is there going to be another season when Stassi lives in New York? How have I not eaten there yet? Why doesn’t that hot brunette get any story lines? Is it really necessary to do a photo shoot every year? How could Tom not see that his girl was lying to him when everyone in his life was telling him the same thing and she is a shitty liar? What is it about this show that I like? Who cares, when does Season 3 debut?

 My bold.

We Love You Beatles Oh Yes We Do

Coupla years ago I pointed out that young people still love The Beatles:

A Pew Research survey released last month showed that 81 percent of respondents between ages 16-29 said they liked The Beatles. Eleven percent said they dislike the band and only 4 percent said they have never heard of them. By comparison, current rockers Coldplay received 39 percent positive responses, with 45 percent saying they'd never heard of them. Forty-two percent said they like hip-hop star Kanye West. "To put this in perspective: Try imagining young adults back in the 1960s putting the big jazz bands of the roaring '20s at the top of their list of favorites," the survey reads. "Not very likely."

And now I found this clip of REALLY young kids reacting to the Beatles:

Regrets

Me a few years ago on the Olympics:

1) In looking at the Winter Olympics (ugh) I now realize I played the wrong sports as a kid. I played the standards: football, basketball and baseball – along with about 500 billion other kids across the country. With that much competition, I had about as much chance getting to the highest level as I did banging Kelly and Jessie while Zack and Slater threw dollar bills at me. But now I see some of these “sports” in the Olympics and I’m like fuck, if I had taken up some of these stupid fucking things as a kid, chances are good I’d be in the damn Olympics. Rich and famous for “sports” where I lie on my back and hurtle down an icy runway, or snow ski through woods shooting things, or follow some big disk with a broom, sweeping in front of it. I mean, do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody that does these fucking things? I gotta think that if I had played curling instead of football, my competition woulda decreased from 30,000,000 kids to 6. Hey, I fucked up. Soon as I have a kid I’m putting him on skis with a rife in his hands and shoving him into the woods. “Call me when Pepsi calls for the endorsement deal, fucko.”

Turns out I shoulda gotten into curling. Dammit.

Feb 8, 1964

Via The Beatles:

February 8th, 1964. By the second day of The Beatles' debut North American visit, George had come down with flu. Whilst the country held its breath over whether he'd be able to make the next day's live performance at all, the rest of The Beatles had to manage their rehearsals for the first live Ed Sullivan broadcast with road manager Neil Aspinall as George's replacement. Before that, however, John, Paul and Ringo miraculously managed to avoid the crowds that now seemed to permanently engulf them and headed off in the snow for a press photo shoot in Central Park. 

The Boss

There's gutsy, and then there's strolling into Australia and playing Highway to Hell.

50 Years Ago Today

The greatest press conference ever.

Sorry, Puppy Bowl

But I'm pretty sure the biggest event on all fours still involves me, a wedding reception in Woodstock, and a lovely young thing named "Khaki."

Speak of the Dickens....

...was Charles Dickens the 6th Beatle?

Happy Birthday

To Charles Dickens, who somehow made it through life without having the unfortunately obvious nickname "Chuckydick" laid upon him.

"Hey, you."

This May Be Hard to Beat

The saddest burger ever?

50 Years ago Today

"I Want to Hold Your Hand" was the first Beatles song I heard. When you hear something like that, your hair stands on end on your arms, and it's having some strange and voodoolike effect upon you, and you can't figure it out.

I got out of my mother's car, which is where I heard it, and I ran down the street into the bowling alley and immediately into the phone booth, slammed the door behind me and got my girlfriend on the phone. I said, "Have you heard this song?" It stopped your day when it hit. It stopped your day. That just was a nuclear explosion.

Jay Leno

I've never gotten the "Leno is an automatic punchline" thing. Is he dull? Probably. Guess what else is? NETWORK TELEVISION.

Do I watch Leno? No. But a lot of people do. I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't feel the need to trash him to show my indie street-cred. It's fine. Relax. Hell, I came out on Team Jay during the whole Jay vs. Conan thing.

To be honest, I probably respect his craftsmanship re: writing jokes more than I'll ever like Letterman, whom I dissed way back here.

Was Leno ever the coolest kid in the room? No. But so what? Who is?

And have you ever been good at what you do for 20 years?

It Was 50 Years Ago Today

They say the world doesn't change in a day. But one day, it did. - Jim Farber

The Uselessness of Learning French and An Excerpt from a Future NYT Best-Selling Novel That ALMOST Has Something to Do With This Post

Andrew Sullivan's been having a thread re: the uselessness of learning French.

I, meanwhile, took 5 years of it. Like an idiot.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I found myself in a perfect storm of the things I dreaded most while walking about in public: my being the only person in New York City who didn’t understand a single word of Spanish thanks to taking a cumulative seven years of French and Latin instead of a language that might one day be of actual use, my being terrible at any kind of small talk with strangers and, most importantly, my sense of direction, which at best could be described as “disturbingly bad.”  I’d long before given up the “never ask for directions!” creed that marked a real man; no matter how many times I’d gone somewhere I had no problem asking several times along the way where the hell I was going, and every time I made it from point A to point B and back was a happy surprise.

My terrible sense of direction coupled with my inability to talk to someone and hear a word they said made for several problems.  I’d stop to ask someone for directions, and as they started talking I’d earnestly nod my head as if hanging on every word, but my mind would drift away to anything that wasn’t nearly as important as what the person was telling me.  Once I noticed the guy had stopped talking, I had a choice of asking him to repeat what he’d said or simply thanking him and walking away like I’d heard his instructions and knew exactly where I was going.  Obviously I always chose the latter, since I couldn’t let a complete stranger whom I would never see again think I’d missed something he said, therein making me look like an idiot.  I knew that in about another block or so I’d be stopping to ask someone else for directions, partly hoping I’d gotten that much closer to my destination, and mostly that I wouldn’t be sent back in the same direction I’d come, making me have to do the walk of shame by the guy whose directions I’d completely blown off only minutes before.  It usually took three or four such stops for any directions to finally stick.

Even worse than the guy thinking I was an idiot would be that he was really rooting for me, and by making a wrong turn I’d let him down.  He’d watch me walk away, thinking “Okay, great, he’s gonna turn left just like I told him…oh shit, he turned right!  Noooooooooo!  No, buddy, no!”   Sometimes people were nice enough to shout out to me after a misstep, but since I didn’t want to face their disappointment I’d pretend I didn’t hear them, and just keep walking.

As bad as I was at taking directions, I was even worse at giving them.  My usual strategy was to say I was unfamiliar with the area (usually the truth), offer a sincere apology, and start walking away.  Probably in the wrong direction.  If I was standing outside in front of my own loft and someone asked for directions that were one block away, I’d act baffled, and then have to walk around for awhile so the person wouldn’t see me pulling out a key and opening the door to my building, fifty feet away from his target destination.

Sometimes I’d slip up and actually give somebody directions, and then spend the next twenty minutes going over them in my head, questioning whether or not I’d been correct.  Then I had to worry that the guy had gone exactly the way I told him, realized my directions were wrong, and wanted to come back and beat the shit out of me.  Never mind that he’d been wandering around completely lost only minutes before; I’d assume he was actually some sort of GPS savant who could not only find his way back to where we’d met on the street, but also track down where I lived if need be, and kill me for misleading him.

YES!

Speaking of coming to America, my superslice Moone Boy is finally here, on PBS!!! Check out all of season 1 on Hulu.

The Beatles at Press Conferences

The Beatles famously won over America not only with their music, but their wit. Here's a coupla classics, from different press conferences over the sort number of years they toured:

Press: Does it bother you that you can't hear what you sing during concerts?
John: No, we don't mind. We've got the records at home.

Press: Beethoven figures in one of your songs. What do you think of Beethoven?
Ringo: I love him. Especially his poems.   

Press: What will you do when Beatlemania subsides?
John: Count the money.

Press: How do you stand in the draft?
John: About five feet, eleven inches.

Press: The French have not made up their minds about the Beatles. What do you think of them?
John: Oh, we like the Beatles. They're gear.

Press: What about this campaign in Detroit to stamp out the Beatles?
Paul: We're starting a campaign to stamp out Detroit. (Which they did)

Press: What do you think you've contributed to the musical field?
Ringo: Records. 

Press: Why are your speaking voices different from your singing voices?
George: We don't have a musical background.
   
Press: Why is it that you Ringo get more fan mail than the others?
Ringo: I dunno. I suppose it's because more people write me.   

Tomorrow!

...is there ANY moment in history as exciting as those days when the Beatles come to America? I'm floored every time I see footage of this, or read the stories of djs announcing by the minute where their plane is over the Atlantic. The music was over the top great and about to change the world, and then they show up and they're funny to boot. All that black and white footage is exhilarating, and then the timing...New York City looks like it's having one big snow day, right? Unreal. I can not think of a single more exciting moment where culture, media and tomorrow comes together all at once. And when you see the films, knowing that they ended up NOT being little boy band pussies, that they really were the best makes it even better. How unreal must it have been to be on of the very 4 young men at the epicenter of this craziness? Did iut suck being everyone else? - XMASTIME

It will have been 50 years since The Beatles landed in America:

The spontaneous, coast-to-coast outpouring of ecstasy was the precise inverse of the national reaction to an event that took place just 77 days earlier. On Nov. 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas, shaking the country to its core and spreading a kind of fear it hadn’t known in a century. A palpable depression enveloped the nation.

“There wasn’t a lot to cheer about after Nov. 22nd,” recalls Larry Kane, the only reporter to travel with The Beatles on every date of both the ’64 and ’65 tours, and the author of “When They Were The Boys.”

“There was concern about the escalation of the Viet Nam war, the civil rights movement was escalating, inflation was high. There was a tension,” Kane said. “When the Beatles arrived in February they started to distract everyone from all that.”

By their talent, charm and energy, the boys made pleasure once again a part of the public conversation. If that was the effect they had on the mass consciousness, they had an even deeper, and more lasting, effect on an individual level. The maiden performance by the Fab Four captured the imagination of young people so profoundly, it helped them envision entirely different lives for themselves.