It's not that I care about ever being young again, I just don't want to ever die; if you told me I could live forever at 52 years old & everything that comes with it I'm pretty sure I'd be happy as a fucking clam.
Monday, September 30, 2024
Rock Questions. I Have Them.
What’s the single greatest specific moment in a band's history that would naturally lend itself to their best possible setlist? As in, that perfect sweet point at which while they may still have a few good albums left in them, the core albums that will go on to make up the canon their fans love so much still comprise 95% of the set since there’s fewer temptations from lesser albums? AND the band is still genuinely excited about playing their first songs everybody loves before getting sick of playing them?
Of course the first one I thought of is The Ramones' 12/31/77 Rainbow Theatre show in London, with nothing but songs from their first 3 albums to even think about choosing from for a setlist. Incredible.
Bullshit Detector
New York City espouses the very “live & let live” credo that MAGA people love to fetishize publicly without actually practicing it in their own communities.
Questions. I Have Them.
Questions. I Have Them.
What do you do if you’ve made a big deal of making sure the waitress understands you when you tell her you need “a lot” of napkins and then at the end of the meal you realize you’ve only used one of those napkins and now the waitress is going to see by the huge stack of unused napkins that you wasted her fucking time with? Do you perform an act of apology by setting the unused napkins aside, signaling you’re aware of your mistake and maybe the napkins can be recirculated (however unlikely a scenario in which that would happen actually exists) or do you put on End of Meal Theatre, hurriedly crumpling up the remaining napkins & running them through the remains on your plate as much as you can so at least when she returns to the table after you're gone she can think "oh thank god, this fucking slob really did need all these napkins, great"????? 🤔 🤷♂️
I'll Say This.
Caitlin Clark is to the WNBA as guns are to Republicans; anytime anything happens they don’t want them to be the reason.
More Television Breakfast Bullshit
I'm sorry but even after 40+ years of watching tv shows with families in them I absolutely refuse to believe there are families out there sitting down to eat breakfast every morning I mean come the fuck on already with that shit. - XMASTIME
Just last week I railed, RAILED, Jerry!! about the bullshit that is the cereal/toast magical breakfast combo; today while re-watching The Sopranos pilot for the first time I'm reminded of yet another eye-rolling television breakfast trope, the "let's pour a gallon of milk into a glass pitcher and then leave it sitting around at room temperature for an hour or so before either throwing out any remaining milk or trying to pour it back into the gallon jug before having to wash said pitcher whether anybody actually even drank the milk or not" television breakfast bullshit (TBB (trademarked moi)).
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP),
“on a side note, didn't you also point out something incredibly brilliant about the character in the photo who's not Meadow Soprano?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did!
Don't Ask Me Why...
...but I was just reminded of this:
The last time I was actually cool was on the very first day of 4th grade: at the end of the day, Mr. Futchko lined us all up outside the classroom to wait for the first-wave bell for the buses. We're hanging out goofing around, whatever, when from outta nowhere, unprompted, I start the countdown: "10...9...8...7..." and everyone joined in, we all sang along, and we counted down from 10 to 0, and when we hit "0", fuck if the bell didn't go off at that very moment. I can still see everyone's look of shock/glee/total excitement that I had somehow nailed it. Ah well. Every moment since has been denouement.
Questions. I Have Them.
I'll Say This.
Even in the year 2024 and as a man of discernible tastes when it comes to music, if you told me Radiohead and Coldplay were the same band I'd be perfectly fine believing you without a problem at all.
Congrats du Jour
We Are The Clash, We Are The Clash
I can't believe I've never seen this before; of COURSE Joe Strummer can totally pull off strolling around town blasting Martin Luther King speeches on a goddam boombox.
Jimmy Carter
If Jimmy Carter makes it to midnight tonight, today will be the last day ever without a U.S. President who hit 100 years old.
Sunday, September 29, 2024
Saturday, September 28, 2024
Lonely Boy
I've heard Steve Jones tell the story of how his sticky fingers as a street rat hood led to him hoarding a bunch of stolen equipment from other bands even tho he never bothered learning how to play guitar before the Sex Pistols and I'd always assumed it was just because he was so super-cool and it was just a part of his swashbuckling persona as the coolest motherfucker in the coolest fucking band in London; seeing him in this video all these decades later saying that he stole all those guitars & amps because it made him feel like he was a part of it all, it was the only way he could feel a part of any and all of the bands he wished he could be a part of, is a beautiful & poignant moment and I feel it in my 1998 guts as I'm sitting in New York City once again, if only for a weekend.
Sooooooooooo Close!
But they didn't reference the OFAH scene. At all. Nothing, zippo. Luckily for you lucky people, of course it's lucky for you that luckily I'm posting the clip here for your lucky people to enjoy YOU'RE WELCOME!!
Remember These?
And now I will give you nice people a sneak peak from my upcoming Summer 2065 blockbuster film, or whatever they'll be calling it then.
TOBY
(Showing him a bill)
My credit card bill! Anything look familiar?!
(MARK takes it and looks it over.)
MARK
(Bullshitting)
I don’t have a credit card, so I don’t really know what I’m looking at.
TOBY
(Rips it from him.)
A little something called ‘Sensuous Moments’? For $150?!
MARK
(He knows)
‘Sensuous Moments’? What the hell you’d get into, buddy?
TOBY
Well, let’s see – where else do we see the company listed? (Shows bill to MARK again)
MARK
Ahhhh…coupla days before.
TOBY
And for how much?
MARK
(Knows he’s busted)
$6.
TOBY
You called her back? With my fucking credit card? Are you out of your fucking mind? $150!
MARK
Calm the fuck down – look, first of all, in my defense, I never thought you’d find out.
TOBY
$150!
MARK
Oh shut up, I’ll pay you back.
TOBY
I still haven’t gotten the $6 from you! (Now something is dawning on him) And wait, what the fuck – how did you even do this? Did you steal my credit card while I was sleeping or some shit?
MARK
No.
TOBY
Then what? You just gave out random numbers until you hit mine?
MARK
No. I memorized it.
TOBY
You memorized it?
MARK
When I saw the card the first time. Sorry, I couldn’t help it, the numbers just stuck in my head! I couldn’t get them out until I used them.
TOBY
(Looks at bill)
Eight times.
MARK
(Embarrassed)
Well…
TOBY
You MEMORIZED a string of sixteen numbers, just like that?
MARK
Yeah.
TOBY
(Sarcastic)
Congratulations, you have the world’s first pornographic memory.
MARK
Thank you.
TOBY
Now this shit’s on my fucking credit record!
MARK
Oh please, they make a zillion dollars a year. Nobody’s gonna notice your measly $150.
TOBY
YOUR measly $150!
MARK
Fine, if you run for fucking president one day, I’ll sign something saying yes, the $150 charge to Sensuous Delights or whatthefuckever way back in the summer of 1990 was me. I’ll even say I stole your wallet.
TOBY
$150!
MARK
Does saying that over and over make the number go down?
TOBY
(Calming down)
At least tell me you didn’t blubber away about Lara like the first time.
MARK
Oh no no, it was pretty fucking disgusting, don’t worry about that.
TOBY
(Sarcastic)
Well, good for you. Jesus fucking Christ. (Smacks MARK’s head) Forget my credit card number NOW!
MARK
Anything for you, buddy.
TOBY
What the fuck…you barely graduate high school, and you pull this shit off? Why can’t you use your powers for good?
Fine, if you run for fucking president one day, I’ll sign something saying yes, the $150 charge to Sensuous Delights or whatthefuckever way back in the summer of 1990 was me. I’ll even say I stole your wallet.
TOBY
$150!
MARK
Does saying that over and over make the number go down?
TOBY
(Calming down)
At least tell me you didn’t blubber away about Lara like the first time.
MARK
Oh no no, it was pretty fucking disgusting, don’t worry about that.
TOBY
(Sarcastic)
Well, good for you. Jesus fucking Christ. (Smacks MARK’s head) Forget my credit card number NOW!
MARK
Anything for you, buddy.
TOBY
What the fuck…you barely graduate high school, and you pull this shit off? Why can’t you use your powers for good?
MARK
Oh believe me, it was good.
Questions. I Have Them.
In the world of marriage statistics, the only articles I ever see that compete with "people are waiting longer & longer to get married because they want to make sure both they and their partner have their shit together and they've really thought it through even to the point of living together for a couple of years to see if they're day-to-day compatible as well as forever soulmates" are the ones about how the divorce rate keeps skyrocketing; is marriage the greatest example right now of something that we've decided we're going to slow down and really think through and not jump into any rash decisions and yet we seem to be getting worse at it with every opportunity? 🤔🤷♂️
As Usual I Am Right Again.
I think the lesson to learn here is that if you're a sheriff and somehow become famous, it's because you're a giant asshole.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand moi HERE last week.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we today. Awesome.
I'll Say This
I think it's only fair that everybody who has to hear about me living in New York for 15 years also should get to hear me talk about how giddy I am that I'm staying at a hotel near Times Square within a block of White Castle, 7-11 and Arby's.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmatime
The only time it’s good to be fat is if there's an empty seat next to you when people are boarding the train.
An Open Letter to the Train Conducters at Amtrak
Dear Sir/Ma'am:
I mean I don’t understand how you can have a working microphone on a train easing into Philly and you're loudly saying words to the entire train and yet none of those words are “try the cheesesteak!”
I remain,
XMASTIME
I mean I don’t understand how you can have a working microphone on a train easing into Philly and you're loudly saying words to the entire train and yet none of those words are “try the cheesesteak!”
I remain,
XMASTIME
Friday, September 27, 2024
Goals. I Have Them.
Current Events
Look guys all we know for sure right now is that if Trump loses he’ll shake JD Vance’s hand, thank him for all his hard work and then spend the rest of his life tirelessly working the campaign trails to reward him for his loyalty.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Whether I like it or not adulthood started the first moment in a hotel room I decided to put my clothes away in the closet/dresser instead of just leaving everything in my bag the entire time I'm there. 😔
Thursday, September 26, 2024
I Fucking Hate This
On Judge
Goals. I Have Them.
Wednesday, September 25, 2024
Training Day
After 15 years riding the Subway in New York City every day and going on 2 years doing the same here in DC the idea of making any friendly interaction with a stranger is beyond my realm of comprehension, so of course earlier today as I was walking onto the train when some guy who at a glance looked to be a newly-retired guy from a backwoods kind of town I came out of smiled at me I didn't hesitate to glance away before I could accidentally reciprocate in any way.
As we got rolling along I noticed he was with his wife, who looked like every farmer's wife I remember as a kid, and they were lightly chatting with another couple. Then I saw they all had luggage and realized they were obviously going to Dulles Airport and now their last memory of their visit to DC would be some shithead who couldn't be bothered to throw a fake smile their way. I couldn't stop wondering if there was a way to return the gesture, but of course the window for anything that wouldn't correctly be perceived as being weird af had slammed shut with a thud.
Long story slightly less long, while absorbed in this drama that didn't exist I managed to miss my stop.
As we got rolling along I noticed he was with his wife, who looked like every farmer's wife I remember as a kid, and they were lightly chatting with another couple. Then I saw they all had luggage and realized they were obviously going to Dulles Airport and now their last memory of their visit to DC would be some shithead who couldn't be bothered to throw a fake smile their way. I couldn't stop wondering if there was a way to return the gesture, but of course the window for anything that wouldn't correctly be perceived as being weird af had slammed shut with a thud.
Long story slightly less long, while absorbed in this drama that didn't exist I managed to miss my stop.
Life. It's Really Happening, Iasn't It?
From the day I started carrying a wallet in my back left pocket as a 15 year-old until about about a year ago when I stopped I lost my wallet exactly zero times; I coulda slapped it in my back pocket of a speedo kept together by about four strands of thread 9 hours after an 11am Sunday Softball game at McCarren Park without any fear of losing it.
Today I carried my wallet in my back left pocket into work and three different times I found myself wondering how the hell my wallet had gotten on the goddam floor again.
Today I carried my wallet in my back left pocket into work and three different times I found myself wondering how the hell my wallet had gotten on the goddam floor again.
And the Highway When It's Late at Night Got the Radio On
Whenever I think about listening to the radio as a kid the picture in my mind is never daytime but always night; there's just something magic about the radio. 🤗
Questions. I Have Them.
What if the Jeopardy! champion just refused every night to tell any of those dopey fucking stories they make all the contestants do between rounds, I mean hell he's the champ so they're helpless to do anything about it until he loses, right?
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
The only time I like it when someone accuses me of being crazy is an airline pilot after I've told him I'm scared of flying.
Why I'm the Best, by Xmastime
Something You Should Know About Me
The older I get the less I believe in what people seem to think "human nature" is; everything could be 100% different 100 years from now if people just said different things about different things; things are “human nature” because at some point someone says it’s so and that's pretty much it, from what I can tell. (puts down whittling kni- oh shit, picking it back up again...)
More Macca Yasssssssssssssss Please!
Nobody has ever loved Paul McCartney so much while completely disregarding pretty much his entire post-Beatles output more than me, but I'm still absolutely buzzing from 2021's Get Back (see my brilliant live-blogging about it on the right rail motherscratchers!!) so even though this upcoming documentary is only one hour long (booooooooooo!! 😡😡😡😡) if you think I'm gonna pass up watching super-duper-in-his-prime 1974 Paul McCartney then you are out of your goddam mind:
McCartney’s extraordinary, unforced gusto and the delight he takes in every creative moment, his natural extrovert musicianship and casual virtuosity are such a tonic.
And the film comes with its own bonus material: a “backyard” al fresco mini-concert. McCartney set up with chair and acoustic guitar in a bit of garden behind the studio and Litchfield shot him as, with equal musical garrulity, he played a kind of busker set, channelling Buddy Holly and Eddie Cochran, reimagining the latter’s Twenty Flight Rock as an addictively sinuous, slow-jam masterpiece.
It's called One Hand Clapping & when I find out how the hell we can watch it I'll let you know. Oh shit hold on, someone wants to say something:
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP),
"didn't you put out a song that was so stunningly amazing nobody
fucking bothered buying or listening to it that opened up with the line Nobody hears one hand clapping?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did!
And yes I agree "garrulity" is an obnoxious word to drop.
I Really Don't Think I'm Asking Too Much Here, People
I don't think it's really too much too ask for me to wanna start dating someone just so that when she says “I have to tell you, I have a kid” I can say “oh wow, is it yours?”
Xastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
As a human being, your best hope is to eventually die in a world you wouldn’t recognize as a child.
"Crippling Hot Sauce", a Title I Prayed I'd Never Have to Write 😔
Drew has never let Cerebral Palsy stop him from chasing his dreams. So when his school business project was deemed “unrealistic,” he turned it into a fiery force for good. With every bottle sold, he donates 5% of the proceeds to CP research. Join Drew’s mission while enjoying bold, unique hot sauce!
DC Greeter Reporting for Duty
I'll Say This.
People like to think that if Trump loses in November he'll finally go away for good; from what I've observed ever since the media realized what a cash bonanza Trump is to them I'm 100% certain that even if he got destroyed in every which way possible I'm *guessing* that CNN, who has been fairly matter-of-fact about him going 0-60 in court cases for Stop the Steal, will *suddenly!* be VERY curious about any POSSIBLE fraudulent votes and that will be the fucking news 24/7 for fucking 6 months.
Questions. I Have Them.
What if Jesus staged the whole “return from the dead after 3 days” thing to impress an ex-girlfriend?
FINALLY!!!
Via MOI IN 2007:
I think we can all knock off the nonsense about “spring is about rebirth!” that we love to throw around....isn’t Fall more about rebirth than spring? Schools re-open. Most people get back to serious work after a long summer of vacations/slacking off etc. Football, hockey and basketball seasons begin in the fall. The crisp autumnal air gives us fresh energy after a summer of trying to sleep in our own sweat. Fall kicks off the holiday season. Networks roll out their new seasons. Everything starts for real after Labor Day. What the fuck does spring start? Wow, leaves come back on the trees. Whoop-de do shit. Otherwise, it kicks off months and months of hot, dreary nothingness. So let’s give fall it’s due for once this year as it rolls in. And Spring? Go fuck yourself.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Jeter!
A few of my live-blogging lines in real time from the game (just go back to that day goddammit I can't do links for all tings all the time for all you people):
I just realized it's the bottom of the 8th; unless the Yankee pitchers fuck this up, we've already seen Jeter's final home at-bat.
All those years in Brooklyn, all those games watched at 100 Metro. Meaningless June games on Sundays, evening games after work. October games when you could feel the Earth shake. And now it all ends on a random Thursday night in Washington, DC.
Yes! Jeter will get an at-bat in the 9th. Will feel The Stadium shake from here. If he hits a game-winning home run, my deal re: getting back down to my 4th grade weight stands.
Great. The only time in life I've gotten exactly what I wanted, and it's the Yankees giving up a 3-run lead. Of course. PS - if anyone ends the game before Jeter gets up, Imma flip out on everybody
Jeter wins it with a walk-off single. Fucking Hollywood in The Bronx. Unreal.10 years ago today pic.twitter.com/matwS4fBP4
— Talkin' Yanks (@TalkinYanks) September 25, 2024
Tuesday, September 24, 2024
Movie Ideas. I Have Them.
One Young Man's Winning Drive to Redemption After Three Out of His Four Career Varsity Football Games Came in His First Year
Just Once...
Thoughts. I Have Them.
How weird would it be to have a sitting US Senator claim that illegal immigrants are eating people’s pets and then look incredibly helpless and pathetic by saying it’s someone else’s fault and there’s apparently nothing he can do about it? 🤔 🤷♂️
You are Warned
Current Events
The media is telling us that people are "frustrated" with the "lack" of in-depth policy answers by Harris; meanwhile Trump said a guy who claims to be a black Nazi is "MLK on steroids" & from what I can tell so far the media has asked "what do you mean by that?" exactly 0 fucking times, so.🤔🤷♂️
Questions. I Have Them.
When are the parody videos of people doing parody videos of Hallmark Movies gonna start popping up?
Day du Jour
Some guy at work today smugly let me know he doesn’t "do" Uber Eats because “strangers aren’t gonna be touching MY food!” and I said “what do you think happens in restaurants?” and I think his head literally exploded.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.
You people know how much I love me some cotton candy grapes; today I mentioned my last batch or two haven't quite been up to snuff but when I shrugged "I guess it's not cotton candy season" I got zero laughs so thank you very much I will be burning this Earth down to the ground now. 😡😡😡😡
I'll Say This...
I'm sorry but even after 40+ years of watching tv shows with families in them I absolutely refuse to believe there are families out there sitting down to eat breakfast every morning I mean come the fuck on already with that shit. - XMASTIME
...I'd totally watch a reality show made up entirely of watching people eat huge breakfasts like they do on television on any given morning even though I've never heard of anybody who knows anybody who's ever known anyone who eats like that.
OH Good...
...I'd started getting worried since it'd been more than 5 minutes since fucking shithead Jamie Dimon had sprung up to scratch his chin and express his "concern" about ________ and that oh gee, it just seems like if Trump was back in charge...
So relax, don't fret, Shine on you fucking Dimon is back at it everybody. Shew!.
So relax, don't fret, Shine on you fucking Dimon is back at it everybody. Shew!.
JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon: "If you do not control the borders, you are going to destroy our country... Now that they are sending migrants into New York... all my super liberal friends realize what a problem it is." pic.twitter.com/FNLa0A5uVE
— KanekoaTheGreat (@KanekoaTheGreat) September 24, 2024
People are Finally Starting to Listen to Me
I assume nothing I ever say is heard or noticed by anybody else but today I dropped my "why is there a devil in religion, after all the very first commandment is there shall be no other god but me, does this really sound like someone who would then think hey you know what, I should probably create an equally powerful adversary to keep me honest & humble?" on a guy and if I'm being completely honest, which I rarely am, I think that by the time he left my desk he'd stopped believing in god. 🤔🤷♂️
State du Moi
I can't be the only person who threw my phone off a bridge the second I heard The Rewatchables put Holiday Road on the "Kenny Loggins Mt. Rushmore". I mean ffs; just three weeks ago I wrote:
but even I didn't imagine I'd be so quickly vindicated. I mean wow. 😡😡😡😡
I've probably heard Bill Simmons speak on more topics than anyone on Earth ("anyone else on Earth"...as in, where the fuck else would they be?") and time & time again he's shown that he doesn't know that the fuck he's talking about whenever he veers into music.
but even I didn't imagine I'd be so quickly vindicated. I mean wow. 😡😡😡😡
Title So Good for a Country-Western Song That it Needs to Be Written
Baby You're So Hot I Wish I Could Tag You on Insta Twice
Thoughts on the 2024 Election
Monday, September 23, 2024
Nick Lyndhurst Worlds Colliding! 🤗 🕺
One of the greatest - and my own favorite - scene from Only Fools and Horses is of course the famous chandelier scene, and one of the big things about the scene was what a terrible struggle it was for the entire cast and crew to not laugh out loud and ruin the increasingly expensive (for the show at the time) only take. See the whole behind the scenes story here.
Meanwhile, I was just reminded that a few years earlier while playing on the Porridge sequel Going Straight with the singular Ronnie Barker (who'd of course been starring alongside David Jason in Open All Hours) Lyndhurst had been a part of a remarkably similar scene, except part of his role in that instance was to laugh out loud.
The world's a weird fucking circle, people.
Speaking of Bruuuuuuuce
If you people don't think this dancing Pooh Bear thing I've discovered over on Instagram is the thing I'm gonna be spending most of the rest of my night looking at then you are out of your goddam mind.
Happy Birfday BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!
What can I say? I've written a zillion times before about how much I love him; it's just great he seems to be enjoying it all as much if not more than any other time in his long career. Here's the bit CBS Mornings or Whatever did to celebrate the 40th anniversary of his landmark album Nebraska. Rock on forever, Bruce. 🎸 ❤️
The Joy in HOOP DREAMS
So I've Noticed, by Xmastime
Sate du Moi
I spend a lot of my day raging against real or imagined injustices in this world inside my own head (inside my own head....as in, whose else head could I possibly be in, fucking idiot??) but then I witness the absolute magic of something like this that I bought for only $14 and I think hey you know what those Chinese kids are probably better off in sweatshops anyway.
Recovering Jesse Malin
I was never really a fan of his music but my friend played with him for years and he was always nice to me, so it's really good to see that Jesse Malin is on the mend after his horrific spinal stroke late year.
Songwriting Irony in 2024
A million years ago during my rock & roll band days in Brooklyn, whenever I'd be writing a new song I'd obsess over whether it could be accused of ripping off another song; no matter how esoteric or buried deeeeeeeeeeep down inside some band's catalog it may be I clung to some dedicated idea of musical integrity despite the fact that usually whatever song I'd be worried about theoretically stealing from would've been known maybe to maybe 6 people on Earth, and it was back in the days when if you wanted to actually hear something that wasn't on the radio 24/7 you'd hafta find a way to hunt it down somewhere, which could take years & years (I know I know, I was there I don't believe it either but it's 100% true). And even after that, pretty much nobody other than the people in my band ever would hear my new song anyway, so it was pointless for me to even worry about it in the first place anyway.
Meanwhile, BECAUSE we're living in a world where everybody has instant access to every song ever and so it's impossible to not theoretically rip anything else off now, I never worry about anybody "spotting!" that oh god no I may have come up with something similar to the 2nd guitar break in Black Angel's Death Song.
I feel like I'm close to connecting a collective psychological ownership phenomenon with capital-I "irony" along with some R O C K, but my brain just clocked out for the day so 🤷♂️.
Meanwhile, BECAUSE we're living in a world where everybody has instant access to every song ever and so it's impossible to not theoretically rip anything else off now, I never worry about anybody "spotting!" that oh god no I may have come up with something similar to the 2nd guitar break in Black Angel's Death Song.
I feel like I'm close to connecting a collective psychological ownership phenomenon with capital-I "irony" along with some R O C K, but my brain just clocked out for the day so 🤷♂️.
On Books
There's a New Yorker article on the impetus for Amazon selling books that's mildly interesting but I'd like to highlight this:
Both Friss's book and Patterson and Eversmann's book suggest some answers. One is the obvious benefit of being able to fondle the product. Printed books have, inescapably, a tactile dimension. They want to be held. "Browsing" online is just not the same experience. For that, you need non-virtual books in a non-virtual space.
I've held & read hooks all my life, I know what a book feels like so I don't need to go to the store to find out; what I WOULD like is for Amazon to stop making it okay to fool you into buying what you think is going to be the standard/definitive edition published by an actual publisher and not some pile of garbage printed out in some motherfucker's basement on their dot matrix printer. I honestly don't know how this is legal. 😡 😡 😡 😡
Thank You Chicago White Sox
There will be some beauty to the ‘62 Mets record for losses ending after exactly 62 years.
Introducing the German Even-Splitting Contest
According to 4-thru-9-years old me my mother was the absolute worst at this and I have a 0-722 record to prove it. 😡😡😡😡
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Sleeping with the Enemy may be the best - if not only? - example for which the the podcast is better than the movie, owing mostly to Van Lathan's hilarious-because-it's-true bit below. 😜🤣🤣🤣
Parking Lot
I could listen to Steve Jones' rhythm guitar on this album on a loop 24/7; it's the tightest building of sonic blocks of guitar on any album I can think of, much less the one that's the poster child for "no-kid snotty kids being thrown in a recording studio and the guitar player is a speed freak who's never played guitar before" genre.
Comedy Tropes I'd Like to See More Of
Someone needs to create a sitcom in which once an episode someone's wife walks in on her husband laughing it up with a friend and when they immediately clam up she's all like, "Oh, what's so funny? What's so funny Darryl? I like jokes, I like to laugh. Why don't you let me see just what the hells so goddam funny all of a sudden?"
LET'S MAKE THS HAPPEN, PEOPLE!!!! 💰💰💰💰
LET'S MAKE THS HAPPEN, PEOPLE!!!! 💰💰💰💰
SOOOOOOOOOOOO CLOSE!!!
Sunday, September 22, 2024
Dafuck is Up with All My Tomoatoes
An Interesting Note on THE COSBY SHOW
A Rather Thoughtful Note on CHEERS
Meet the Xmastime Press
Everyone always says it's a miracle we've been a functioning democracy for so long but I think it's been a miracle we've been a functioning democracy for so many; with there being no danger of either population growth slowing down or the media deciding to stop doing whatever they need to do at every moment of the day to keep everybody's blood pressure boiling at all times because there's just way too much money in it, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that if logistics weren't an issue (yes I am acknowledging I know this is fantasy) we could probably break off into 2 or 3 countries without any major problems and before we even knew it everybody'd be perfectly fine.
A Note on the Spectacular LIVE AID Event & Its Founder
When you hear about what a bulldog Bob Geldof was getting the Band-Aid record and Live Aid event done in only a matter of months it's kind of weird he never tried to do anything else even remotely that big & impactful again. 🤔🤷♂️
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
The journey to adulthood is completed the moment you're dog-sitting at someone else's house for the weekend & instead of using it as an excuse to order as much fast food delivery as you can you think "hmmmm lemme see if I can go the whole weekend without paying for food myself..."
September 20, 1984
JUDITH LIGHTCongrats again, ladies!
(actress, best known as Angela Bower on “Who’s the Boss”)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 1,016
PROS: Beautiful, successful, rich. Appeared bald on Broadway….and if the curtains match the carpet….
CONS: has no idea I'm alive. Married to some chucklehead for the last 600 years. Will hafta take a lot of heat for dating someone in her 50s. Might be cold in the beginning, thinking I'm using her to get to Sam or Mona.
ODDS: 10%. I say 10 because hey, isn’t the new thing in Hollywood older women dating younger men? And once I start quoting “Who’s The Boss”, camon.
PHYLICIA RASHAD
(Claire Huxtable!!)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 967
PROS: beautiful, rich, successful. Will probably open the door to me hanging out with Bill Cosby (and Lisa Bonet???!?!?!?). Always wears tight, silk blouses (at least on “The Cosby Show.”) Her sister Debbie can teach me how to dance. Also, she just got a divorce from Ahmad Rashad, so she’s probably had enough of rich, successful handsome men.
CONS: I’m pretty sure she’s almost 80. One of her THREE ex-husbands was one of the Village People. OJ was best man at her last wedding, which means there’s a good chance he will, you know, …kill me.
ODDS: 0%. zilch. waaaaay too classy for me. Would not cross the street to kick me in the nuts, and I wouldn’t blame her. Feel ashamed I used the phrase "my nuts" in the very presence of her name.
Questions. I Have Them.
Why did hot buttered toast and cold cereal become the "perfect breakfast partners" when they're both uniquely suited to be eaten alone? With the cereal you have to worry that it's gonna get soggy if you don't eat it immediately and the toast you have to worry it's gonna get cold if you don't eat it immediately so no matter what one of them is gonna be kinda crappy, and yet every single ad or commercial I've ever seen for any breakfast cereal always has buttered toast right alongside next to it every time; always trusty Tonto to cereal's Lone Ranger. Whack, amirite?
Saturday, September 21, 2024
Oh, Well Excuuuuuuuuuse Me
Inside the Corn Chex Marketing Meeting
INT. CORN CHEX Corporate Headquarters Executive Conference Meeting Room for Executive Meetings
EXECUTIVE #1:"So, which celebrity should we get to endorse Corn Chex?"
EXECUTIVE #2: "How about a kid with a comically oversized head who spends most of his time desperately battling his crippling, curiously adult-level anxiety while futilely hurling himself over & over into a group of friends who spend most of their days insulting him and telling him they wished he'd never been born?"
EXECUTIVE #1 smirks, & leans back in his black executive chair thinking about the Christmas bonus he'll be getting.
THE END
Random Brilliant Line from an Old Xmastime Post Hereby Presented without Context
"...and I would put the fuckstick in the lockbox for the night"
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