Brooklyn Nine Nine, by Xmastime Ladies

Here's the order in which I'd like to..."date"...the girls from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

1. Chelsea Peretti

You people know about my prediliction for ladies with an equine appearance in the face, particularly the teef. I'm now learning I don't mind a lot of gum exposure either. - XMASTIME

I mean camon, too easy, right? I mean that schnozz!!! And lookithtemchompers!!!

2. Stephanie Beatriz
Just smoldering hot. Great teeth, if not as able to eat corn through a chain-link fence like Chelsea. But wtf is up with this pose?

At some point every woman on the "red carpet" is asked to turn around, take a spin so we can see the back. What? So she turns around, basically saying "look at my ass." How do we pull this off? Brilliant. No where else can I say "It was nice meeting you, that presentation was great and we'll definitely crunch the numbers, now why don't you take a 'lil spin so I can check out them hind parts?" I mean, are women okay with this? Why don't we just say "will you now present your scent please?"?

3. The other one.

I mean, blah. Dull. Fine enough. The kind you take home to mother. And then leave her with mother while you go out to check your traps. Not helped out by them keeping her hair pulled back so tight. You know my rules about foreheads:

Blake Lively has been killing it for me lately. there's something about her body that makes my hogballz jump up and dance, clicking heels like Chaplin. But now I see she pulls off the usually impossible: full forehead exposed, and still smoking hot. So far the list of chicks that can pull that off are her and Olivia Wilde. Girls: cover the forehead. I'm telling you. I've tried to explain this to women many times, but they don't listen. And Blake, Olivia and I laugh at them while frolicking in the sack, with some Little Caesar's on the way. 

Course, then I see pictures like this and wonder if they're pulling another Elaine Benes on us. Fuckers.