Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Resigned Sigh.


I see my old high school is undefeated so far. Again. Thus continuing its Manifest Destiny:

"We will win every single game we play after Xmastime has left the playing field, therein reminding him of what a truly crappy player he was. And, to rub his nose in it, these games won't even be remotely close. This shall be from the day he graduated to infinity. And if we get the chance we will make out with his high school girlfriend, too."

Going to Hell (Again)

When I saw the headline Prom king with Down syndrome goes to college, the first thing I thought was "oh shit, I hope it's not MY college..."

That make me an asshole?

Hey, I was already having doubts re: the credibility of my almost mater!! HERE and HERE.

The Shroud of Urine

EFF. YOU.

METS!!!!!!!





hahahahahaha! you suck...AGAIN!! :)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Awesome

From Peter Abraham:
Meanwhile, by now you’ve heard how Girardi has banned ice cream, candy and fast food from the clubhouse. It even applies on the road as he instructs the clubhouse workers to provide only healthy snacks. It drives the players crazy.

The clubhouse entrance at Fenway is right in the third-base concourse, only a few steps from an ice cream stand. So far this weekend I’ve seen Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez and other players standing in line with fans to get an ice cream.

The Debate

John, you like to pretend like the war started in 2007. You talk about the surge. The war started in 2003, and at the time when the war started, you said it was going to be quick and easy. You said we knew where the weapons of mass destruction were. You were wrong. You said that we were going to be greeted as liberators. You were wrong. You said that there was no history of violence between Shiite and Sunni. And you were wrong. And so my question is... of judgment, of whether or not -- of whether or not -- if the question is who is best-equipped as the next president to make good decisions about how we use our military, how we make sure that we are prepared and ready for the next conflict, then I think we can take a look at our judgment.

More than a few times McCain scoffed at Obama, claiming that he simply didn’t “understand” the Iraq War - that he was naïve, in the dark etc etc. The implication being, I would assume, that McCain DOES understand everything about the war and the region. Which begs the question that if he does, why has he been wrong on EVERYTHING so far? Wrong on everything, but he acts as if HE “gets it”, and has the solution to it all. I would hate to think this is true; that so many lives and dollars have been spent while John McCain had the solution the whole time – tucked away like the ace of spades in Snuffy Smith’s big black hat, merely waiting to spring into action once he became president and thereby becoming the Hero of All Time. Doesn’t sound like “Country First”, does it? Come January 21 if McCain is in The White House EVERYTHING changes, the war is won, we’re revered once again throughout the world etc etc.

Of course thinking that McCain is withholding secret formulas for success is a TAD facetious…just something to tuck away in your mind, along with THIS HERE. But I do think that the conclusion that the candidate who has been wrong pretty much every single step of the way re: the war has completely exhausted his ability to claim any sort of understanding on the subject as being superior to that of his opponent is the correct, logical one.

On the other hand, I look forward to Day 1 of McCainLand – streets paved with krispy kremes, Judith Light on the Playboy Channel 24/7 and McNunggets coming outta the faucets!!!

The Xmastime Sunday Brunch Radio Hour!

SUZY IS A HEADBANGER - The Ramones
I will never, ever do a radio show here without a Ramones slice. Period.
Suzy Is A Headbanger - The Ramones


SHILOH – Neil Diamond
This song always makes me think of The Bridge to Terabithia. Young friends, loyalty, soaked in the sunshine of the early 70’s, my own youth. Well, maybe a few years before I was running around myself. Also for some reason this song makes me think of my college girlfriend sneaking food outta the dining hall to bring me, as I was living off-campus. I dunno why this song makes me think of that; maybe it was at that time of my life I had discovered this song. Regardless, her roommate, whom I was in love with the whole time, loved Neil Diamond too…and if my girlfriend had ever found out it would’ve been, like the Civil War battle of the same name, a bloodbath. Bullet, dodged! (Also dodged: a life of happiness, of knowing what it’s like to share a life and love with another human being instead of having a bed with no sheets. Shew! That was close!!)
Shilo - Neil Diamond

DON’T BE AFRAID - Bombpop
Fellow Westerberg worshippers from Charlottesville, VA…mostly this song has always struck me with the “all you ever wanted, was to to get out of this town.” The small-town boy clarion call. Being from a small town myself, I know that feeling; I remember busting out of Tappahannock, VA when I hit 18 and diving right into…Farmville, VA. Which, it being a college town meant it actually had a bar in town, so it was technically a step up. Upon graduating I finally shed the shackles of small-town life by heading to…Oxford, Mississippi. Hmm. At this rate, but the time I’m 70 I’ll be living in a town the size of Angelina Jolie’s nursery. Big City, Mrs. Ruth Ann indeed.
DonT Be Afraid - BombPop

LOVE BARGE – Big Dipper
Super-slice. Period. Just occurred to me, is this band named after Wilt Chamberlain? Wasn’t that one of his nicknames? Interestingly enough, Wilt and I do have one thing in common. He famously slept with 20,000 women, and I famously pissed the mattress at Spring Break ’95, after which while we were out the maid put the mattress outside our door to “air out”, ensuring that every single hot, horny chick down in Fla for some cheap, anonymous fucking would know who Piss-Boy was and make sure he would spend the night in his room, alone, watching the NBA playoffs instead of hittin some skins. Jesus, where does Wilt stop and I begin? Bizarre.
Love Barge - Big Dipper

I ASKED FOR WHISKEY – Mississippi Fred McDowell
Rainy Sunday mornings call for songs about whiskey. That’s all. And I like how he spends one verse basically just counting. Awesome. And then at the end of the choruses during the turnarounds to go back into the verse, he always seems to get stuck, no idea how to get back to the chorus so just goes on and on for a spell til the answer kicks in. It’s tough to NOT sound super-authentic as a cotton-picking bluesman when you’re called “Mississippi”, isn’t it? When somebody says “oh, here comes Mississippi ____________”, you never roll your eyes thinking “Christ, ANOTHER Cornell lawyer Larchmont motherfucker…” What if his parents had actually NAMED his “Mississippi”, which for a long time he resented, feeling like he had no choice but being a grizzled, dirt-poor homeless blues musician - and had in fact added the “Fred” himself to try to get into accounting school? Now see, THAT would be interesting to me.
I Asked For Whisky --Mississippi Fred McDowell - Blues Legends

DREAM LOVER – Bobby Darin
Everytime I hear this song, I think of some show that was on in the late 80’s…can’t remember the name, only that it took place in the early 60’s and the father was played by the guy who played Adam Sandler’s father in Big Daddy. Anyways, we were watching the show one night, and the classic “Wipeout” came on during some scene. Coincidentally, the Fat Boy’s “version” of “Wipeout” was out at the time. Now, at the age of 15 I had already become an expert on 50s/60s music…most of which I’ve forgotten by now. Sistatime!, however, being only 10 years old,was not as cultured as yours truly. When “Wipeout” started playing on the show, she scrunched up her nose as if someone had just cut one, and said in a voice dripping with disdain “Whhhhhaaaat? Wipeout isn’t an old song!” Christ. 15, I felt like I had liver spots BURSTING all over me.
Dream Lover - Bobby Darin

DOWN THE LINE – Buddy Holly
My favorite Buddy song. I think I’ve mentioned before somewhere on here about getting shitfaced in college and deciding to try to call his parents in Lubbock. Hmm. Shame I never got through; I’m sure we’d be great friends to this day. They prolly would’ve adopted me!

Buddy’s dad: “Xmas, you remind us so much of Buddy.”
Xmas: “I do??!?!!
Buddy’s dad: “Well. Maybe. I don’t know. Not really.”
Xmas: “I love you too…dad.”
Down The Line - Buddy Holly

OH NO! THAT FUNNY FEELING – Camper Van Beethoven
This one keeps me frozen in time, Summer of 1987. To quote:
Most albums I love somehow remind me of fall or winter, and this is the only album I've ever loved that reminds me of burnt, dead summer grass in 98 degree heat. Summer of 1987, my first summer of freedom (my brother having gotten his license); thanks mostly to RRTHUR and a tape of "Burning Ambitions", I without a doubt found more amazing songs and bands that I still love today during that summer than any 3-month stretch before or since. First summer I hung out at French's parking lot. One of only 2 sophomores to make varsity that year, I can still feel what a thrill it was when the Northern Neck football preview came out in the paper and Coach Lewis took 2 paragraphs to talk about how good I looked, the promise I held. Summer my brother and I started working on the horse farm. Boy. I promise you I have never had a summer that good since. Ah well.
Boy, was I right…every summer since HAS sucked…how’d I know that? So prescient…I should play the lotto!

Another fearless prediction: I will see no titties today. Book it!
Oh No! - Camper Van Beethoven

NOT THIS TIME – The Black Diamonds
Sounds like an up-tempo outtake from Beatles for Sale. Listening to the main chorus, why didn’t they name the song “Not Tonight”? Christ…”Not this time”, “not tonight”…I’ll take “Things Women Usually Say To Me About 4 Minutes Before the Police Show Up" for $1000, Alex.
Not This Time - Black Diamonds

BREAKFAST IN BED – Dusty Springfield
Now this is a rainy Sunday morning slicety-slice-slcie, n’est pas? I just saw a quote from her, from 1973:

“I mean, people say that I'm gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. I'm not anything.”

I’m sorry, Dusty – but yes, if somebody calls you something 7 times, that’s what you are. Period. If you think that– hold on, sorry; getting a phone call from shifty, shifty, shifty, shifty, shifty, shifty, shifty Kam Sing, my food might be here…
Breakfast In Bed - Dusty Springfield

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Juice!!

I just flipped to the Illinois/Penn State game and...am I dreaming, or is the Illinois quarterback called "Juice"? They're referring to him as "The Juice." Wtf? How bright is this kid? "I'm a black football player known for running the ball...I need a nickname...got it! - Juice!"

Really? Are there German kids running around with toothbrush mustaches these days? Women with this dress?





Camon, Juice! You're better than that!!

House of Usher




I'm watching the Roger Corman classic Fall of the House of Usher, and I greatly admire dude's steadfasted insistence on being with his fiancee Madeline. But I must say. Between the super-creepy graveyard decor of the neighborhood, the insanely spooky brother and the, you know, CRYPTS OF DEAD PEOPLE THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE, I might actually leave fairly immediately after arrival. With all that spookiness going on, unless she can wrap her tongue around my prostate while writing out the Colonel's secret recipe, I'd be like "you know what...she ain't THAT hot..." and gets to steppin out on my merry way. "So, this is your place, huh?...you know, I think we should start seeing other people..." That make me a loveless, un-romantic asshole? Really?

Paul Newman RIP

I'm not gonna pretend to know or care more about Paul Newman than the next guy, but boy...has anyone EVER heard anybody say a bad thing about this guy? Ever? Man.

Batten Your Hatches, NYC

For fuck's sake. First 9/11. Then the war. Then complete financial collapse. And now this:

THE West Village deejay snubbed by Samantha Ronson wants to face her Sapphic sister in a turntable duel to the death. "I'm challenging Sam to a spin-off. Let the best deejay win," Stacy "Deejay Stacy" Ledwith told Page Six. "I'm a lesbian, she's a lesbian. It could be very interesting." We revealed the other day how Ledwith, who spins at Rubyfruit on Hudson Street, asked Ronson's camp if she'd do a benefit to help save the landmark lesbian watering hole. She said she was flabbergasted to be informed that Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend didn't do gay or lesbian events. It created a flood of bad feelings that Ledwith wants to smooth over. Stoking the challenge, she added, "I've never seen Sam spin, but from people who have, I've heard some good things and I've heard some bad things. I heard once she just came in and put a CD on. So come on, Samantha, let's see what you can do." Ronson's rep didn't respond to e-mails.

Can this city withstand such a battle at this time? Jesus christ...I guess we gotta choose sides now? And Ronson "doesn't do lesbian events"? Really? I can think of one she's probably doing right now. And am I not supposed to chuckle at the phrase "landmark watering hole" when it's used in a story about lesbians?

This is not the time for this, girls. Too deep. Too much. Maybe John McCain come into town and try to negotiate a solution, try to fucking work this thing out?







"We're all lesbian djs now."

What a Family!

Mother, son going to war together:
Jane Strand won't have to wonder how her son is doing as he deploys for the first time with the N.C. National Guard to Iraq in a few weeks. She'll be right there with him.

Sgt. Strand and her son, Pvt. Timothy Strand, are part of the 449th Theater Aviation Brigade, based in Morrisville. The Guard held a farewell ceremony for the brigade Thursday afternoon, an event designed to honor the families of the service members as much as those in uniform.

Of course some dudes might be like "I gotta get shot at AND hafta hang out with my mother?!?!?!" No Iraqi hookers and all-night card games for you, Timmy!

But hey, good for them. Good luck. My question is, do you think Matt Christopher has one more book in him?













Go get 'em, moms!!!!

Dangerous Precedence

From Yglesias:
Asked why Mr. McCain did not go to Capitol Hill after coming back to Washington to help with negotiations, Mr. Salter replied that “he can effectively do what he needs to do by phone.’’
To which Yglesias asks why McCain had to pretend to suspend his campaign in order to rush physically to Washington last week. Me, I'm fucking relieved - McCain feeling that he had to physically show up in DC to get shit done had set a precedent that I must say I was not in love with. But now that we see this, I'm relieved to know that now I don't hafta walk over to Kam Sing, sit the cooks down and walk them through making my egg foo young. All I gotta do is pick up the phone and POOF! shit gets done! Thank god.

John McCain: Showing Us the Way...AGAIN.

rucky numbers: 11,14,29,41,55,& 58

The Equals

Friday, September 26, 2008

Bullshit

A lot of things have been said re: McCain’s absurd “riding in to save the country!” nonsense this week. Obviously, I think it was complete bullshit.

But now I’m faced with McCain supporter after McCain supporter defending him by saying “hey, he saw that a crisis was so great that he had to jump in and try to fix it!”

Really? A crisis so great…and yet…aren’t we in the middle of a coupla wars? Aren’t THOSE crises? If a war isn’t deep shit, what is? Yet I can’t recall John McCain even once over the last few months putting his campaign “on hold” to sprint back to DC to work on the war. Have you? Oh, he loves to spin anecdotes about soldiers and soldiers' mothers that come up to him and beg him to "win" the war etc, he loves to weep about the soldiers he talks to...but that's never enough to make him veer off the campaign trail, is it? No. But for some reason, this past week well, THAT was a real enough "crisis" for him to be distracted from his campaign. Interesting.

The Xmaswich


Watty: "how scary is that hand?"



Mukluks tip: GodIHateXmastime

Debate

If I hear this Wall Street/Main Street jingoism one more time my head's gonna fucking explode. Are there no other streets in the country?

Christian St. - Marah

How Bout That

It just occurred to me that exactly no one that I know of has commented on the fact that the first presidential debate in which one of the nominees of a major party is a black man is at, of all places, Ole Miss. Incredible.

Fashin Week Vid #4

The fourth and final Fashion Week clip may be seen HERE. Snagglepuss!

Also, I will be getting the "outtakes" and editing a episode myself for next week...might not be suiotable for work. Well, unless you're a hooker. Or work in an office. With small children around.

Old Man

Let's be honest: John McCain is old. I don't mean that as an insult, it is what it is. And in 4 years, he'll be even older. Hell, look at the difference in Bush after only 4 years in office:



You know what...this post has just hit a snag...as a joke, I was gonna post a picture of McCain in 2008, and then flash forward to 2012 and he's Skeletor. But in lookijng for a picture of Skeletor, I discovered this:








What the...apparently, putting on a Skeletor mask gives you license to grab free titties wherever you are. So instead of jabbering on and on here about an old man, maybe I best be steppin out to get me a fucking Skeletor mask, no? Fucking hell!

PREDICTION

7:07pm

McCain will try to use Ted Kennedy getting rushed to hospital as a way of getting out of the debate.

Palin (My Solutions)

Please stop with the daily releasing of the Sarah Palin videos. I mean jesus christ, I'd say it was like watching a retard getting slapped around, but to say so would be an insult to George Bush, who was a retarded candidate for national office BEFORE it became "hip." Ugh. And now the video of her beauty pageant is out, so everybody can see the potential vice president strutting around a stage, preening her ass out for us all to sniff. Enough.

There's two things I have to say about Sarah Palin at this point. Number One the campaign did the EXACT wrong thing by keeping her locked up for these weeks. They shoulda let her come outta the gate like a cannonball. Yeah, she would've made the same mistakes she's making now, but 1) they'd be more forgivable as it'd be early, and 2) by now, later in the campaign, she might've grasped her footing a bit, and all the previous gaffes/stupidity would've been forgotten. It's like college football; it's better to lose early than late. And the way these idiotic moments and controversies pile up and off of each other like train cars on the tracks, nobody remembers last week's missteps. Foolish on McCain's part to lock her away so much early on.

Secondly, I'm taking a stab here, but I say that within the next week Palin drops out. Something will "happen" wherein she will claim that the demands of caring for an infant with Downs Syndrome require her to be at home and not on the campaign trail. Cue national collective "aaawwwwwwwwww." This way she leaves somewhat gracefully under the guise of compassion/motherhood etc. The question then becomes, who replaces her?

McCain campaign, because I just love doing the work of the people no matter what side of the aisle, I'm gonna TELL you what to do in such a case.

You tell nobody. You don't mention Palin leaving - in fact, you deny that she HAS left. Simply refuse to acknowledge everyone's clamoring about her leaving. And you simply carry on every day as if nothing has happened. And who, dear Xmastime, you are asking, who should actually take Palin's place then?

Ta-DA!!!









Fuck it, it worked 15 years ago, why not today?

YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

President Dot Com


I’m a little suspicious re: what the actual job of “President of the United States” is...since I just noticed that there is no computer on the President’s desk in the Oval Office. What the fuck is this? Who has an office without a computer? what the fuck does he do at the desk; make paper footballs? Think about your office; is there ANYthing you can even remotely accomplish without a computer?

Christ. No wonder the country is in the shitter. Can somebody get this dude a fucking Dell desktop for fucks sake??!?!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

PADDY MAC!! THE BIG 3 :)







Ohoh

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Q&A with McCain!

Because I am the one and only Xmastime, I was offered a chance to sit down with John McCain today. I was lucky enough to catch him during a break while he was single-handedly saving the planet from economic ruin – putting his campaign on hold; ie putting aside his own interests for those of JOHN Q. AMERICA.

No, McCain is not an economist. Nor has he ever been one. In fact, he once famously claimed to not know anything ABOUT economics – but you know what? Leaders lead, and heroes hero. So he’s stepped in and saved our asses. I was allowed to ask him exactly four questions.

Oh yeah…his voice was shot from all the directives he had been giving, so to save what was left of his voice he would not speak for his answers, but use gestures. Good enough for me.

QUESTION 1: Senator McCain, How will the average American be affected? ANSWER HERE.

QUESTION 2: What is the lesson to be learned from this crisis, and what kind of precautions should be taken? ANSWER HERE.

QUESTION 3: What are the prospects for emerging market such as Turkey, which rely on exports, plus have seen massive foreign capital inflows during the past 5 years? ANSWER HERE.

QUESTION 4: What will be the impact on the dollar? ANSWER HERE.

I'd like to officially thank Senator McCain from taking the time to speak with me in such a time of crisis. Thanks again, and good luck!

The Chicago Cubs

I don't pay attention to the NL, but today for the first time I noticed that the Cubs were the best team in the league, and may very well get to the World Series for the first time in 63 years. A nice story, it being exactly 100 years since the last time the Cubs actually WON a championship. Year after year we hear Cubs' fans lamenting their misfortune a la Rex Sux Nation until 2004.

One ring in 100 years. ain't that some shit, I thought, good for them, hope they win it this year.

Then I noticed that they had also won it the year before. In 1907. So that means they had won TWICE as many championships, with only one more year added. So instead of 1 out of 100 years, it's 2 out of 101, or an average of one every 50.5 years. What the fuck, I thought. That's not so bad. Quit fucking crying!








"Losers are usually losers for a reason: they're communists."

Thanks, Genius






Really helpful without a picture, isn't it? Hmm. Why not list the cat's height too? "Likes the color blue."

Fashion Week Video 3

The third Fashion Week vid is up HERE. I get a Blackberry AND make money!! Enjoy!

Hittin the Books!

I think it's great that they've shipped Palin over to the UN for a crash course on world leaders. Meeting them, studying up. Memorizing their Facebook info. Hey, education is great! Even Laura Bush said so, and she's the Librarian in Chief, right?
...she said Palin still lacks sufficient foreign policy experience. "Of course she doesn't have that," Laura Bush said. But she added, "I think she is a very quick study."

Good for Sarah! Hitting the books! I'm just glad she didn't make a snippy comment in her convention speech towards Obama, saying something like oh, I dunno, like the American presidency is not supposed to be a journey of "personal discovery." Right? I mean if she had said that, or if she had said that this world of threats and dangers is not just a community, and it doesn't just need an organizer then she'd come off looking like an asshole, right?

GO GET 'EM PIT BULL!!!!

Bono

From today's Daily News:
"It is extraordinary to me that you can find $700 billion to save Wall Street and the entire [Group of Eight nations] can't find $25 billion to save 25,000 children who die every day of preventable disease and hunger."

We'll have to forgive Bono, as he's Irish and doesn't understand that our job as Americans is to make sure super-rich criminals STAY super-rich. Sorry, you naive dumbfuck Mick, but dead children don't vote Republican, and you can't ship them off to pretend wars, so fuck 'em.

President Dave

I was gonna make a crack about McCain flying into DC to save the day, and accompany it with a clip of that scene in Dave when ordinary-joe-turned-President Kevin Kline strolls into a cabinet meeting and within a few hours trims the budget by $650M. But I couldn't find the clip on YouTube, so fuck it. But my point is this: English muffins should become the default bun for cheeseburgers, with the nooky, crispy side on the outside. You know this, man!

Thoughts (hahahhaa....that's gay)

1) So The Pit Bull can't even fight off Katie Couric. Jesus Christ. See it HERE. Seriously, it's tough to even work up a hard-on anymore. Enough.

2) Am I dreaming, or whenever she's backed in a corner does Palin turn the "annoyingly wood-choopy midwestern accent" up to 10?

3) If McCain was so concerned about sprinting off to DC to immerse himself in solving this "crisis", why has he been on my tv all morning? Is Frasier Crane solving the crisis too?

4) Let's be 100% honest here. The McCain campaign is frighteningly off the rails. There is no act of desperation this idiot won't do. But why do we all love Xmastime? Cause he'll say what nobody else has the guts to:

THE ONLY WAY MCCAIN WILL BE ABLE TO END HIS CAMPAIGN WITH SOME SEMBLANCE OF EVEN A SMIDGEON OF DIGNITY IS TO "HAVE TO" PULL OUT DUE FOR HEALTH REASONS
...which can be tied back to his 5 1/2 years at the Hanoi Hilton.

Sorry, but it's true. Eventually they will realize how much they're embarrassing themselves, and this will be their endgame. Mark my words. A sad, somber press conference with doctors detailing how McCain fought and fought and fought, but thanks to Charlie pulling out his pancreas and making him eat it while he was defending YOUR freedom, he simply cannot carry on.

Remember where you heard it first.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Manny Tapes (Guest Star: THE MAJOR)

I started watching The Major when he was only 3 months old; like any kid that young, he was basically a sack of potatoes. Well, with red hair. That shit 3x a day. But now he's coming on every week like a freight train - crawling, laughing, made some bookshelves this morning. Today we had a great time, and he was all over the place.



Too cute, right?

I cannot see this picture without thinking about my favorite Happy Days character Ralph Malph (a dude so funny they said fuck it, just make his last name rhyme with his first name), and wondering what he and Potsie are up to these days. Well, now I know.

Hmm

One interesting thing to me about this whole "suspending the campaign" thing is that McCain promises us that Sarah Palin is worthy of being President of the country if something should happen to him, but apparently does not believe she can keep a campaign going for two days if he needs to pop into DC for a long brunch or two. Hmm.













"snnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniff....oh, Governor..."

How Comforting

Who's the wizard who decided President Bush should show up tv tonite to "calm us down"? Bit like a chicken turning on the boob tube and seeing this, no?








"Bonjour."

OhOh

I Need a Date...

...so I can take her to eat some of these!!! Camon!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!

The Equals

Jeopardy



"What are three things my party has completely fucked up, Alex?"

Gottsta Vote, Peoples!!

Well, I can see why McCain would wanna shut the campaigns down and insist on getting back to some votin'...since hell, he's only missed 87% of the votes this year so far. So that makes sense. Being there for 26 outta 201 votes is nothing to sneeze at. 13% present. Though, now that I think about it, it is a lower percentage than "Percentage of times in the last month I've had to fake my own orgasm while masturbating." But still.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...

Why is McCain talking of suspending the campaign over this crisis...hell, why is this whole financial meltdown mess any worry to McCain at all? Didn't he say at the Convention he couldn't wait to send you-know-who to Washington to break her foot off in some DC ass? Send her in, problem solved, dawg!!!

xmas buying guide

fedora tip: UG

godihateyourband

1. hits
2. smooth studio crafted teen fodder
3. gravity rocks
4. masquerade
5. downers pharmacy
6. santa's banana
7. laneview
8. super 12
9. ego park

Fashion Week Video 2

Second video clip of Fashion Week HERE. Me gettin up in Heather Locklear's tongitty-tongs!!! :)

Makes No Sense at All

I have spent every minute of the last month in pain. My ankle. Then my fucking knee. Then my back, my hamstring, my other ankle. And on and on. Every step, a jolt of pain. I haven't been able to sleep, I have been sluggish and miserable.

Then last night in a burst of "oh, fuck this shit!!!" I had two bags of microwave popcorn. Then I drank 16 Colt 45s with a bag of Doritos. When the beer ran out I drank 2 liters of Diet Coke.

And this morning is the best I've felt in months. I'm not in pain, I'm alert, for some reason I'm the happiest I've been since I can remember. What the fuck.

Whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttt???!!!!!????

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dumber

I found myself watching Bill O'Reilly tonight, and there were two women talking with Bill re: Palin's "meetings" today. They were discussing her foreign policy experience, and Bill to his credit was rightfully grouchy re: why she doesn't seem to need to answer to anybody so far. Each woman on the panel played her role well, one backing Bill up while the other rolled her eyes. When Bill brought up the fact that Bill Clinton as a candidate had no real foreign policy experience, and yet he was subjected to the same press coverage as any other candidate, the GOP rep (however much a homer) said something that floored me.
Her: Hey, Bill Clinton went to an Ivy League school; he was an elitist! He went on to become a Rhodes scholar Bill, camon, nobody's interested in what he had to say!!!

Now I have TWO things to be pissed about: I came about exactly one generation before hot, blonde, 29 year old teachers started seducing their students, and before it became ADMIRABLE to be a shiftless, stupid layabout. Cause if these were the rules when I was coming up, I'd be getting laid every weekend, and probably a State Senator by now. Cause GOD FORBID we have leaders that, you know, have a brain. Hell, I've never read The Sound and the Fury, which means if I was ten years younger I'd have a chance at being president. I love to sit around watching Saved By the Bell and scratching my balls...it's a shame I wasn't younger, I could be president. As a young man I was lazy, shiftless, stupid...and, unfortunately, ahead of my time.

Sarah Palin

I mean, for fucks sake. It's all right HERE.

Hat tip: Andrew Sullivan.

All that said and done remember, Palin doesn't matter. But McCain's recklessness does. Read George Will earlier today, and think about his pick. Somebody you want in charge of things? Really?

I'm an Idiot

I've been watching the Warner Bros thing on American Masters for the last hour, continuously asking myself "why is Tom Sizemore narrating this? How do I even know what Tom Sizemore sounds like?..."

Of course, I just realized it was Clint Eastwood. Christ. Call myself an "American"...

Out in the Street

For a few years here I've been screaming to people that you know, you are closer to ending up on the street than you are to becoming some uber-millionaire a la Bush etc. I think there's a LOT of voters that see someone like Bush/McCain, dudes that are super-rich, and they think that you know what, if I keep voting for them, I'll somehow end up like them. Which is the Babe Ruth of mirages.

"Keep voting for me, so I get richer, and maybe you will too!"

Forgetting, of course, that neither of these men's (Bush/McCain, for example) generations had anything to do with their own prosperity. The fact is, as I said before, you have a greater chance of mishandling your mortgage payment and ending up on the street than you do hitting the lottery and ending up like those that you aspire to be via the polls.

I've said this repeatedly here on this blog; but for some reason what Matthew Yglesias mentioned a while ago struck me as being relative:
If somebody was trying to sell you a $7 hamburger, you might get upset and complain that it cost “nearly $10″ but you certainly wouldn’t complain that it cost “nearly $300 billion.” And yet, $7 is closer to $300 billion than $700 billion is to $1 trillion.

There's a connection there somewhere. If enough people realized how close they were to being thrown out into the street as opposed to being heirs to some unattainable throne, we might be in better shape than we are now.

And hell, just for kicks, my fave Xmas moment of all time:


“That’s right, $10 for me, or $25 for all three of us. No kissing on the mouth.”

Bruce/Joba

From Peter Abraham, my favorite Yankee blogger:

UPDATE, 7:35 p.m.: This slipped my mind before. But Happy Birthday today to two great Americans. Joba Chamberlain is 23 and Bruce Springsteen is 59. Joba is from Nebraska; Bruce wrote Nebraska. Joba plays for the Yankees; Bruce is a fan of the Yankees. It all fits.


R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I like what the McCain campaign is doing re: allowing as few reporters as possible in the room for Palin's UN meetings. Cause nothing says "I respect women!" more than "Is it possible to just have a camera on her, with no sound? And no reporters in the room?" All you women running from the Democratic party to vote for McCain, wow! You're so right about this one!!! Another GIANT STEP FOR WOMEN!!!

Maybe they should only allow Palin to be filmed while making cinnamon buns for her man? Serving beers to her fella during the poker game while one of his friends "playfully" slaps her on the ass? Does Howard Stern have any throwable baloney left over from his E! show?

I may vote for McCain now - women should be seen and not heard, right? Why doesn't he just start passing out these fliers?











ps - I am officially looking for a Photoshop intern. obviously.

Break's Over

You faithful (fateful?) readers know The West Wing is my super slice; here's an imagined conversation between PRESIDENT BARTLETT and Obama. Funny.

GFW

I see today, on Bruce's birthday, George Will finally gets it right...more than two decades after so famously being so fucking wrong.
...the widely-read conservative columnist George Will, after attending a show, published on September 13, 1984 a piece entitled "A Yankee Doodle Springsteen" in which he praised Springsteen as an exemplar of classic American values. He wrote: "I have not got a clue about Springsteen's politics, if any, but flags get waved at his concerts while he sings songs about hard times. He is no whiner, and the recitation of closed factories and other problems always seems punctuated by a grand, cheerful affirmation: 'Born in the U.S.A.!'"[3] The 1984 presidential campaign was in full stride at the time, and Will had connections to President Ronald Reagan's re-election organization. Will thought that Springsteen might endorse Reagan, and got the notion pushed up to high-level Reagan advisor Michael Deaver's office. Those staffers made inquiries to Springsteen's management which were politely rebuffed.

Nevertheless, on September 19, 1984, at a campaign stop in Hammonton, New Jersey, Reagan added the following to his usual stump speech:

"America's future rests in a thousand dreams inside your hearts; it rests in the message of hope in songs so many young Americans admire: New Jersey's own Bruce Springsteen. And helping you make those dreams come true is what this job of mine is all about."
During a September 22 concert in Pittsburgh, Springsteen responded negatively by introducing his song "Johnny 99", a song about an unemployed auto worker who turns to murder, "The President was mentioning my name the other day, and I kinda got to wondering what his favorite album musta been. I don't think it was the Nebraska album. I don't think he's been listening to this one."
Okay, I'm reaching a bit. Everybody got Born in the USA wrong. Still are. I just wanted another excuse to write BRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!! ;)

Tho, still. Cough.

"It's not that people aren't taught to think...it's that people aren't taught to think enough." - BFS

Sprung

I mentioned earlier my being in NJ on Bruce's birthday. Then on the bus back to the GW Bridge I realized I was in fact on Highway 9. Ain't that some shit.

The Fellahs

Guest Post: THEODORE!!


I don’t know why everybody gives such a shit about McCain having 13 cars...I mean the point is, he can’t drive them anyway, right? How can he; weren’t his arms torn off by Charlie and then used to beat himself senseless while he was in the Hanoi Hilton fighting for your right to sync your iPod up to your iPhone while getting an iJob from your iGirlfriend? Hey asshole: a simple "Thank you, Sailor, beep beep!" will suffice!!!




These Colors Don't Drive, Faggots!
THEODORE

Fashion Week!

The first video from Fashion Week is up at the Fashion Herald - be looking over on the right of this page, there will be a new one up every day. Enjoy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!


I’ll say this. I’m almost certain this is the first time I’ve ever been in Jersey on his birfday.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Driving Me Bananas

I've always pronounced "Roosevelt" as ROWsevelt, as in row row row your boat. But some people say RUSEevelt, as in there's some giant ruse going on to confuse us re: the name. WHat the fuck - we've had 2 Presidents with this name in office for a total of 20 YEARS, and apparently we have no idea how the fucking name is actually pronounced. How did this happen? Did we miss it the first time Teddy said his name out loud, and as a country we've been too embarrassed to ask for the correct pronunciation at this point, 100 years later? "Oh yeah hey, look it's Franklin ahhhhh Ro(fake cough)evelt! Stand up you old bean, you're getting a hug!...what? Oh shit, sorry, forgot..."

Life, Eh?

Speaking of People Who Need to Be Shot...

...I'd like to nominate people who use the term "vaca" for vacation. Grrrrrrrrr.

Reagan Etc

I'm watching the Reagan joint on American Experience, and I just watched about him getting shot (aka the day of Jeff Lamp and Lee Raker's last game for UVa.) It got me thinking about that old fear everyone had re: every president since Lincoln elected in a year that ended with 0 died in office. Until Reagan, and now Bush looks like he's gonna make it through. Made me think of something I posted a few months ago:
Another way my generation sucks is our lack of quality assassinations. Look at the generations before us - you had the Golden Era of Assassinations, the 1960s, that had it all: JFK, MLK, and, just to show how badass they were, another Kennedy with RFK. Maybe you have to be monogram-ly friendly to be considered an assassination candidate? Then they got Sadat, they at least tried to get Reagan and they rotated on a weekly basis who got to try to pop Ford. Fucking hell. AND, just to show nobody was safe they blew five holes in the world's biggest rock star who was of all things a peace-loving hippy. Who the fuck do we have on our resume? A coupla rappers plugging each other? That's it? Come the fuck on. Do we HAVE to be such a bunch of fucking pussies?

Don't Make Fun of Short Bus

Hahaha! Lookit Short Bus, watering mommy's plants! Water on mama's boy, you big wussy!


Oh shit...I think he heard me.


"What'd you say? Hey asshole, I'm talking to you."


The last thing I saw...


...before I ended up like Fuzzy and Baloo, who had mouthed off earlier. Ouch.


Baloo has at least had better days.

Yes, I Know I'm Going to Hell

So a plane crashes, and who survives? A fucking dj. Grrrr. What does it take to get rid of these worthless motherfuckers? "Look, I can turn on my iTunes, gimme $10,000." Fiery plane crash, nope, sorry, DJ survives. Human cockroaches.

Also, I keep hearing about the Blink-182 guy's burns. Really? How the fuck can they tell?

Newcleus.

I was just reading this bit about Stonehenge. "Hmm," I was studiously saying to myself while nodding my head, "prehistoric calculator, yes of course, hmmm, primeval Lourdes, YES, so true..." Then I arrived at the word "dolomite" and read nothing past. "Hmm," I thought to myself while scratching my balls and wonderng if I'd rather bang Roz or Daphne if I was Frasier, where have I heard the word "dolomite" before?

Ah, yes. Sigh.

Palindrome


You get paid to come up with headlines. You are a wordsmith. Language is your mileau. Whatever that is. And it didn't occur to you "you know what...this looks pretty goofy"?

Dating III

I am closing the XMASTIME DATING TOUR this Friday. Thank you to all the lovely ladies who submitted their entries; for bookkeeping purposes I am listing the number of entries for each day so far.

August 28: 0
August 29: 0
August 30: 0
August 31: 0
September 1: 0
September 2: 0
September 3: 0
September 4: 0
September 5: 0
September 6: 0
September 7: 0
September 8: 0
September 9: 0
September 10: 0
September 11: 0
September 12: 0
September 13: 0
September 14: 0
September 15: 0
September 16: 0
September 17: 0
September 18: 0
September 19: 0
September 20: 0
September 21: 0
September 22: (incomplete)

Oooooh, France is Watching Us Pee! Hurry Up, HURRY Up!!!

This is interesting. When it came to sending our boys over to the desert to get shot at, Bush didn't give two shits what other countries thought about it. But now, we're supposed to do something as quick and panicky as possible cause countries are "looking at us." Hmm.

How bout instead of "quick", we do something that is "smart", or "prudent" for once? Please? Not even just this once? One fucking time? I understand that allowing people with brains to actually take a breath and think about the problem makes it tougher to have us sign over a blank check so that your 5 closest friends can get richer, but camon.

2009 New Year's Resolution

Make an effort to go to a lot more high school parties.

Dating II

The worst thing about not having a girlfriend is you never get to go to restaurants. Well, and the dying alone thing.

A Warning.

You people who give a two year old a gift for his birthday that is shriekingly, non-stop loud and DOES NOT HAVE AN OFF BUTTON: when I snap, it will be in front of your children that I bury said truck/plane/boat/whatever in your fucking skull.

Dating.

I've been on maybe 3 dates with actual women since 1961. I'm thinking if on my next date when the waiter says "I'm (name), and I'll be your waiter tonight" and I respond snappily "I'm Xmas, and I'll be your customer tonight", my date will be pudding in my mitts. Absolutely.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Energy Crap

I was at the bodega the other nite and I saw this at the counter. Bored, I looked at it. Wow, 5 hours of energy, I thought. Impressive. What the fuck's in this shit? I look closely.
"Equal to one cup of coffee."

For...$3.79. Hmm. Why don't I just get a $0.60 cup of fucking coffee?

Christ.

Reiteration

On the last game at Yankee Stadium being on ESPN instead of YES. Pisses me off. And still wish Bobby could be there.

Luckily I'm Already Broke,

...so it dont matter. But still. From the WaPo:
The Treasury plan outlined on Friday involves vast risks to taxpayers, huge complexity and no guarantee of success. There are better ways forward.

Mukluks tip: Matthew Yglesias.

I'm Gonna Beat Sully To It!!!

Jesus christ...even Michelle Malkin has had enough.

And so I give you...

Malkin Award Nominee
--------------------------------------

"But it is September 19, 2008. And this is a Republican White House presiding over the Mother of All Bailouts...This is your Bush legacy — not Pelosi’s, not Reid’s, not Obama’s: A ginormous bailout of every last, failing, panicked financial institution’s illiquid assets that may reach into the trillions — TRILLIONS – when all is said and done." - Michelle Malkin.

Hmm (Part II)

Maybe something to read after the previous post below.

THE SHOCK DOCTRINE.

Disaster capitalism. What took so long?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Hmm.

THIS can't possibly end badly, can it?
The Bush administration on Saturday formally proposed a vast bailout of financial institutions in the United States, requesting unfettered authority for the Treasury Department to buy up to $700 billion in distressed mortgage-related assets from the private firms. The proposal, not quite three pages long, was stunning for its stark simplicity. It would raise the national debt ceiling to $11.3 trillion. And it would place no restrictions on the administration other than requiring semiannual reports to Congress, granting the Treasury secretary unprecedented power to buy and resell mortgage debt.


My cap is doffed, as back in July I gave such good wishes to Bush as THIS, and back in April said THIS

I secretly hope he knows this and tries to get away with what he can before January, just to see how far he can push it, just for kicks.

"What? We're slaves again? What the...ah well. Dubya being Dubya!"

God bless you guys. Go get 'em!!

Yawn.

I've always considered one of my greatest achievements to be the Summer of 1991, when I fended off Brothatime!'s hectoring for my grades from the previous spring semester. You should've seen me, I was was at my most brilliant, lying peak - every day, a new lie re: what had happened to my grades. "Dammit, the fucking Post Office!"; pretending to call while he's standing there "nobody knows what happened...I'm on hold...these idiots!!..." Man. For over three months, I kept up this "mystery" about what had happened to my grades. Furrowing my brow, slamming down the phone, "I'm about ready to jump in the car and fucking drive down there, see what the fuck is going on!!!" It was as if I won an Oscar for a movie that was 2,160 hours long. Brilliant. I doff my cap to myself. (Obviously I had them the whole time...D, F, D-, C+, B.)

So you'll excuse me if I see an article such as THIS and yawn to myself, unimpressed. 36 times? that's it? Poor, sweet naive McCain/Palin...call me in three months if you're still pulling it off.

Autumnal TV

Today, the last day game at Yankee Stadium, is the first game where you can look at the game on tv and tell that fall is here. The crispness, the angle of the light. It's beautiful. Thank god. My time!

There is No God

I was watching Nine Innings from Ground Zero for the 900th time this morning. And it dawned on me that you know what, yet another piece of evidence that God does not exist is the fact that the Yankees lost that series.

Not just because the Yankees lost, mind you, but HOW they lost. Think about it...America was under attack blah blah blah, and if there ever was a time that was right for the Yankees to win, this was it. And look at what ensued...Tino's home run, Mr. November's home run, Soriano's gw rbi, the you're-not-human-if-theres-no-waterworks scene of the crowd serenading Paul O'Neill in his last ever game at The Stadium, all setting up a Game 7 of Clemens vs Schilling. All these miraculous moments playing out for people that needed miracles. Deserved miracles, even. And in the end...it all gets thrown away because, of all people, the greatest reliever in the history of the planet throws the ball away at second base. What? Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to believe there's a god, and he's that cruel? Setting us up like that?!?!??!

Good fucking grief.

What a Total Fuckwad

JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...