Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

Watching ridiculously hot woman after ridiculously hot woman walking down Bedford Avenue is like watching fish in a fish tank. Sure they're beautiful to look at, but I doubt I'll be fucking any of them.

Problems with the Ladies? What's Going On, Buddy?

Check Out the Chicks at the Library

I've mentioned many times on this blog that my mother was a librarian at the public library in town, and that Brothatime!! and I spent many, many summer days there while she worked. We'd play catch in the parking lot, we'd change into our Little League uniforms there before games, we'd pile up dozens of yellow pillows in the backroom and see how close we could come to killing ourselves with death-defying leaps, we'd wander through town to 7-11 to buy Slurpees. The first time I ever heard Sgt Pepper was on an old record player in the backroom. Hell, the building was where my kindergarten was before the new school was built the following year.

I remember my first day of kindergarten fairly vividly. I had turned five years old two months earlier and knew that if I wanted to have my Die Hard script taken seriously I would have to go through the rituals of school. My first memory is getting yelled at for pulling my pants all the way down to my ankles when I pissed. I have no idea why I did this, but that’s how I pissed back then. What the hell did I know? Hey what am I, a goddam doctor? I was standing at the john pissing, Toughskins at my ankles, when a teacher walked in and yelled at me for my pissing modus operandi. It’s very comforting to know that back then a teacher could walk in on a five year old whose pants were down at his ankles and stand there having a conversation with him...My class was the last one in my county to only go to kindergarten for a half-day…I’d watch the 700 Club, Happy Days and then head outside to catch the bus. I am not making the 700 Club part up, by the way. I guess I felt a comfort in knowing that as long as people kept sending enough money in, God would be good to us all. Of course, I also seemed to believe that a guy could snap his fingers and beautiful women would come runing, so maybe I was a fucking idiot. Now, I don’t know why they decided to go full-day the next year but, ironically, my graduating class went on to be labeled as the smartest class in the history of our high school. Lesson learnt: never do a full job when half of one will do...Also, two school buses carried us to class each afternoon. Bus 7 had about 60 kids and Bus 48, my bus, had 8. I don’t know who the wizard was behind that, but it suited me just fine. I think I was the only white kid on Bus 48, on which we had characters such as Fat Melvin, who introduced us all to the “Boy-Boob.” Joe, who would be famous for dropping dead cutting grass at St. Margaret’s a few years later. And of course Tony, Joe’s friend. All we did during the entire ride was point out different cars on the road and claim them as our own. “Mine.” “That one’s mine.” “Mine.” This actually came in handy our first trip to Porky’s, interestingly enough. It was also on Bus 48 that I made my first friend, Mark Braxton (details here.)

I could already read before I got to kindergarten, which blew since about 97% of the entire year was spent learning the letters of the alphabet, courtesy of inflatable letters such as “Mr. T the Toothbrush!” and Mr. A the Apple!” I was gonna use a “Mrs. Q the Queef!” joke here, but I don’t wanna ruin these memoirs for the pre-teen crowd. (Side note to my college girlfriend: yes, I heard it. And yes, that’s why we broke up.) Also, I’ve noticed that the literacy rate among children has dropped 20% over the last 25 years, so there has to be something said for teaching by way of little blow up dolls, right? Lord knows I do my part to keep "learning."

The other thing I remember about kindergarten was how we were fed. We didn’t have “normal” lunches; every day at lunchtime we’d sit down and one of the teachers would haul out a big hefty bag. “Ohhhh, what do we have today??!!” she’d coo, with all of us hanging onto our seats. She’d open it up and Oooooohhh!! Peanut butter crackers! Or rolls. Whatever if was, it was a Hefty bag filled with one thing. Very strange. Not especially flattering either, throwing food at us like we’re little pigeons. Though actually I guess we’d be big for pigeons. Huge, literate (some of us) pigeons blinging out knit shirts with sailboats. Mmmmmmm. Would been great if one day she reached into the bag and pulled out a live rabbit. "Get the boning knife, we're eating meat today!"

Anyways, the local rag from my hometown, ie the only newspaper left on Earth not online, has been scanning some old pictures from the archives and posting them on Facebook, and here's one of the library my mom worked at:

Here's one with the library in the background, with me getting off the bus. How is it even possible how much more game I had with the ladies in 1977 - christ, pulling the ol' "I'm a goof so I gotta be surrounded by hot womens all day long" con off so well at such a young age? Fucking genius! Christ, what's my rap today -  telling women I invented the phrase "ex-squeeze me!"?? What the fuck has happened to me?

Oh, for Fuck's Sake. No Wonder She Married David from 90210.

"Okay, They're Here...Remember, It's Looky No Touchy. If You Want a Private Dance, You May Negotiate the Price with Your Selected Scout."

The Real World

Season premiere of The Real World tonight...which pair of oversized tits stuffed into a bikini top will be the latest addition to my All-Time Real World list??!?!?!

Here's some of my Real World memories throughout the years.

* Was treated to the newest installment of “The Real World” this weekend, this time MTV is really sticking it to them and making the kids rough it out in…Key West. Hey, is “The Real World” the most ironically named show of all time? A few things that bother me about “The Real World”:

    a. Unless you grew up under a rock in Siberia or, worse, Kansas, you’ve seen the fucking show. Every year they get some humungous, tricked-out fantasy house that’s amazing – has a pool, big aquarium, John Candy stuffed and mounted on the mantle, whatever. But EVERY FUCKING YEAR we gotta spend half the first episode watching these idiots sprinting from room to room shrieking “OHMYGODLOOKITTHISHOUSEITSAMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!” no shit, dumbass. So were the first 16 houses. Knock it off and hurry up to the obligatory first-episode hot tub scene so we can find out which chick is the one with the “serious boyfriend” who of course ends up fucking everybody in sight for 5 months – all part, of course, of her “learning to grow and like myself as a person, and learning to live all by myself.” Hahahaha!! I love how there’s always that one chick who decides she’s gonna “take time off” from her bf so that she can prove to herself and everybody else that dammit, she can be independent!! Ahhhmmm, sweetheart…you’re being propped up by MTV for 22 weeks- sleeping til 4pm every day, drinking a ton of free booze and fucking everything in sight while wearing a band aid over your titties in the hot tub. I’m not sure that’s considered “making it on your own” as much as “being a complete, filthy slut.” But hey, what do I know.

    b. I also love these “jobs” they give these assholes. My two favorites were the cast of Las Vegas - “hosting” parties, wherein the girls would dress like sluts and get drunk and the boys would grind on said “employees”, and last season in Austin where they have to…fuck, did anyone ever catch what they were supposed to do? Something like photograph a band from SXSW. Hmm. Tough one. Other classics of course include San Diego (“Your job is to learn to ride around in a big boat”) and Paris, where they acted as “travel writers” meaning they went to bars thoughout the city and “wrote reviews” about them. Hmm. Has anybody seen this collection of works published? Yes? No? Does it really matter anyways, when Adam’s dad knows Lionel Richie? Just once I’d like to see where all the kids are sitting together all fired up about finding out what there job is gonna be, and then it’s revealed…ta-da! Slaughterhouse! For the next 4 months you’ll be pulling out pig rectums!! Welcome to the real world, fuckheads!!!! Ironically, of course, there’s always at least one douchebag that has to get fired from these “jobs” because he just cant get his ass out of bed after a night of pounding vodka and crying into his roommates shoulder how much he has grown to love/respect him over the last 4 weeks. Between that and puking, who the fuck’s got time for work? Hall of Fame Award here goes to Montana, who got fired for actually giving wine to children. God bless you, Montana. You’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re worthless but you have managed to find yourself in the RW HOF for both “Best Reason for Getting Fired” and “Best Phone Conversation”, ie of course the one where she goes out on a date on Valentine’s Day and then pretends to be shocked/chagrined when her boyfriend Vaj screams at her on the phone for 15 minutes merely repeating the word “whore!!!” over and over while she tries to butt in with “but…but I…but…”

    c. Enough with the token gay dude. We get it. Yes, you can start out a season of “The Real World” as a homophobe and after 141 nights out at the local bar pounding blue drinks you can be the big man and announce that you’ve decided to respect his gay lifestyle. Great! Shouldn’t we be past this now – wasn’t Pedro, the Babe Ruth of gay Real Worlders, all the way back in 1993 or some such? 13 years later and all I’ll learned from these idiots they send up every year is that gay dudes are incredibly boring, they smile a lot, and they all seem to know tons about girls eating disorders. Great.




* Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.




* So MTV puts 7 twenty year olds in a house halfway around the world, and they spend the whole time hooking up with only each other? What the fuck is this? Do these people even leave the house? “Ooooh, I’m in Australia…seems like I should spend the whole time hooking up with this dude from Alabama; when’s the next time I’ll get to fuck an American?!?” You’re practically on another planet, wouldn’t you be at least a little curious what dating one of the natives would be like? For fuck’s sake. It’s like Bush, who has more money than God and every opportunity possible throughout his life but keeps giving jobs to whatever 4 people he knows from the Fuddruckers in Texas. Camon. Take a look around, people.

*Within hours of meeting his new roommates and being filmed 24/7, Ty from this season's Real World cast tells the 2nd-hottest bitch his story about being an orphan, how he was abandoned by his mother, and how that's made him feel, like at any moment for the rest of his life he'll be abandoned again, and how all of that feels etc etc etc.

Then we overhear him narrating to the camera, and he says that he's built up walls around himself, and has a hard time opening up to people.

Umm...what? I don't wanna be "old crusty guy,"but that seems pretty fucking "open" to me. I mean, did you shoot JFK; is that what your hiding?

Eric Cantor is a Fucking Idiot

Matt Yglesias wonders HERE if Eric Cantor is a fucking idiot.

The answer is, of course, "yes." I've said it many times myself - an "Eric Cantor/fucking idiot" search on this blog will find as many entries as a "fisting squirrels/lingerie" search, which is a lot (including a snappy little link from his stupidity to one of my all-time movie slices HERE.)

Of course, I am just a fucktard laying my balls on the tv screen because Flashdance is on right now, so I can hardly be called a wizard myself. But it is worthwhile to remember that Hank Paulson thinks Cantor's a fucking idiot too, so.

Of Fucking Course.

I just got into Party Down a few months ago, and, like it says here, it really was the anti-Entourage, both in the fact that the actors were on the opposite end of the food chain as Vinny Chase and that it was actually funny. Ridiculous talent and great writing not dumbed down for fucking retards. So of course now it's canceled. Fucking hell.

Meanwhile, Three and a Half Men Entourage goes marching on.

Still in DT-Mania

from the DT myspace:

When in the course of human events, a coupla things happen: you go to high school, you fall in love, you get your heart broke, you gain 100 lbs after college, you get addicted to reality tv and then you die. If youre lucky, these things happen with a LITTLE bit of excitement at least; if youre not lucky youre probably Nick Lachey. Anyways I was lucky enough to have all of the above set to a soundtrack by, in my not-so-humble opinion, one of the greatest bands ever: DT and the Shakes. I was 13 when I first stumbled upon a Maxell tape and heard my first DT song (the single version of Dont Let Me Down) and of course fell in love right away the shambling Replacements-esque debut ep, the pop hits of their first LP and the huge growth by their last album (which took me a whole summer to listen to all the way through; for some reason Ryan and I were stuck on the title track, hynotized in Ol Blue during our Summer of Hell). I also remember standing in left field for hours on end as our pitchers walked everyone in sight during summer league and Id sing the whole DT catalog in my head while my hat melted onto my head. Good times.
Anyways, I love this band a lot, both for the music that I hear right now and the nostalgia you can only have about the autumn of your youth. Autumn of your youth. What an idiot. Enjoy the songs, as I will be rotating different ones in and out every few days, as well as collecting stuff to post in the blog section from the band (interviews/posters etc.) Hard to believe that in the days before Chris Brown, Will Croxton was the biggest star in Tappahannock.

XMASTIME
July 2006

State of Moi

You people know about my prediliction for ladies with an equine appearance in the face, particularly the teef. I'm now learning I don't mind a lot of gum exposure either.

Me, huh? I am a trippy, enigmatic gent.

Cool.

My newest Williamsburg Softball League crush will be on Letterman tonight with the New Pornographers. If she's wearing socks, I'll take that as her sending a message to me that she's wildly in love with me and wants to devote the rest of her life to loving me. Once, of course, she knows my name, or that I exist. This is exciting!!!!!!

Not Funny People

As you know I'm an Apatow h8er and am still awaiting my first laugh generated by Seth Rogan, but I watched Funny People last night.

I was pleasantly surprised in the beginning - the darkness of a dying comedian going around for one last round of laughs was very intriguing and for some reason very believable, perhaps because of Sandler's great performance; one thing we've come to learn about him is that he is this generation's Robin Williams: shitawfully cringe-inducing when he's trying to be "funny," yet startling good when he's doing drama (or kind of drama.) And Rogan's earnestness was pitch perfect, and I'm in love with the girl the Rushmore guy fucked, who I believe is also the sole reason for watching NBC's Parks and Recreation.

But then the thing got bogged down in the whole "getting back with his ex" thing, which for some reason just reeked of "oh, get the fuck outta here." Instead of Sandler crushing all the anger that's left in him on the road being an asshole comedian and handing off his chops to Fozzie fucking Bear, we gotta sit through Hollywood 101 Will He Get the Girl? nonsense, during which everything inexplicably goes his way incredibly effortlessly except in the end, but by then nobody fucking cares since by then the fucking thing is 2 1/2 hours long, it's completely derailed off the redemption via standup comedy motif, and Rogan's over-the-top earnestness begins to grate. If this movie had been cut in half and just cut out the fucking ex-gf thing, I think I woulda liked it. But of course, Leslie Mann has to work, so Apashit sticks her in everyfuckingthing he does. And, like Jon Favreau, Seth Rogan just looks fucking weird when he's not a fat ass.

Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra,Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra

Yglesias:

Kagan’s Jewishness also took center stage later in the day. Graham, probing Kagan on threats to the United States, asked her if she was unnerved by the Christmas Day bomber.


“Where were you on Christmas Day?” Graham asked.


“Like all Jews,” Kagan responded, “I was probably at a Chinese restaurant.”

Or, of course, midwestern Methodists whose neighbor's g-d dogs have eaten the turkey!!!

Fucking Awesome

Conservative Crap My Aunt Sends Me

Every day my aunt forwards me emails containing subject matter that Republicans think is "funny" or "poignant". It's nothing but anti-Obama, anti-immigration, anti-foreigners, anti-abortion, anti- gun control, pro-Jesus drivel. So if you want to know what they think is interesting in the red states, here you go.

Mukluks: Dependable Renegade

Ready to Grow Young Again

I have no intention of lining Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen's pockets any further by buying the live at Hyde Park dvd, but this clip of No Surrender, one of a handful of Born in the USA songs that are tragically overlooked either by the big hits from the album or because people would rather yammer on and on about the production of the album ("sounds SO 1984"...congratulations Mr. Spector, you're a goddam GENIUS!!!), is pretty rocking. Also it has a guy from some band called Gasoline Anthem, so I get to look like I'm listening to what the hip kids are, even though the dude defies the laws of biology and is somehow shorter than Bruce.

Things That Even As A Manny You Expect to Go a Lifetime Without Hearing from a 2 Year-Old Girl

"Get outta the bathroom, I wanna read."

Coversations You Might Have with a Four Year-old Boy

"What's on your hand?"
"This? I don't know. What is it?" (holds up hand covered with brown goo)
"Oh my god is that-"
(Licks hand) "It's chocolate!"
"Oh. Good."

Great. One Less Comic Book Superhero for Nerds to Jerk Off To.

Wonder Woman is getting the "we want her to be taken seriously as a career woman who flies an invisible jet and has some sort of magic lasso that doesn't make any sense either" treatment.

Ugh. How fucking unsexy is this shit? Seriously, what the hell is she doing, beckoning me and my German sister to come into her house that's made out of candy where a huge pot of water is boiling?

They're Here

CHICKS WITH GUNS

I honestly don't know why this isn't how we fight wars. If these hot bitches pop up to kill me, I'd probably die with my dick in my hand, and happily. I believe it was Sun-Tzu who decreed "it's hard to fight an enemy whose guts you wanna get all up in." So how about instead of doing the same ol' dumb, worthless "surges" and "changes in strategy," we put these tough-talking Palinite jerkoffs' money where there mouths are and send them to the desert to kick some ass. Hell, they're already dressed for the weather.

TV Review

I love Louis C.K. I love his standup, and I loved his HBO show. So I was incredibly disappointed in the premiere of his show on FX last night, which was pretty unwatchable.

But what I don't get is that the show was aired at all. These shows take months to create, which I would think would be plenty of time to watch the episode and realize "okay, this is terrible." Hell, it would've been a lot better if they had said "fuck it, let's just have Louis stand there and talk for half an hour."

Dude's a lot funnier than this show. Either the next episode will be amazing, or it will be cancelled in about two weeks. Either way, HBO needs to start re-airing Lucky Louie!

Hmm.

Curious to see any rationale re: one trillion dollars and over a decade spent over some people that are great at monkeybars and not being able to blow up a car in Times Square vs. a former superpower that brought us to the brink of nuclear annihilation and fought in two World Wars being busted for a spy ring that is generally being laughed off as a Boris and Natasha episode. Personally, the first thing I thought of this morning was "oh gee, our federal agencies are doing their jobs, and this is a bit a nuisance, as John Kerry said. But obviously I should've been screaming and running around in circles as if a mouse entered the room, except for the fact that the Rooskies are, in our eyes, white.

Ohoh...2nd Amendment Defenders Bent Out of Shape re: Attention on Battles That Nobody Knows Exists Shifting Towards Food

I Think

I should just fucking ask out every girl I see. I should go on 100 random dates between now and Christmas.

The Story

of Life is a Problem, song by song.

Me, Serge and Christine made “AOD!” (we wrote it, recorded it, mixed it and designed the whole thing to help push our live band to a rare an amazing place). We changed our lives to make it. Christine left another great band to come be a part of ours; she struggled hard with that decision. I got sober after years of being a fuck up. Serge wrote “Wilderness.”

After losing our recording equipment in the aforementioned “break-up heist” on the eve of our last full-length release, the next year was a hard one…. I dreamed of all the different records I wanted to make but couldn’t. I sat around, I drank box wine, I gave up my cell-phone, I blamed various people for my misfortune, I upped the dosage of antidepressants, I joined Netflix, I watched 5-disc Ken Burns documentaries.

Because Hey, Sometimes Being a Red-Headed Harry Potter Geek Doesn't Do Enough to Repel the Chicks in High School

I Am Always Right

Moi ici:

For the last 71 years Archie has had two ridiculously hot chicks throw themselves at him, but he's never been "able to decide." And...just NOW the strip is getting it's first gay character? Really?

And now we see this:

I mean, for fuck's sake Archie. After all this time, it's okay to slowly ease outta the closet; you don't need to fucking come sprinting out like white people to a goddam IKEA opening. Baby steps, bro.

Okay, Fine - If the Knicks Can Find You a Cock That Big Around to Suck, Will You Come to New York?

A New Reason for Me to Live Longer Than 38 Years

Apparently in the future, chicks will masturbate to film of themselves. Cool.

Also on GrizzaDay

The 25th year anniversary edition of FABLES OF THE RECONSTRUCTION.

It was my favorite REM album in high school, but I really have no idea why, other than it's got my slice of slices Life and How to Live It, which also made my ALL-TIME TOP FITTY SLICES LIST.



UPDATE: whoops, I guess it didn't. Hey, fuck me. Also: I seriously am thinking about learning to eat fish.

GRIZZADAY Quiz

GrizzaDay countdown: 14 days!

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING HAS NOT BEEN DISCUSSED BY THE PARTY PLANNERS RE: GRIZZADAY?

1) Stripper pole
2) 6-foot sub
3) Guess how much Xmastime's hog ballz weigh
4) Dunking booth


"And don't skimp on the ice cream cake, bitches!"

 

Fone

My cell phone died last week and I haven't bothered getting another one. I reckon I'll get one tomorrow. Mostly, I'm just surprised that the only six days I've been without a cell phone in the last seven years did not coincide with the moment I had a heart attack with nobody else around.

I Am Beginning to Understand Why the Rest of the World Loves Soccer So Much

They Say You Gotta Stay Hungry

I don't know who this Amy MacDonald is, but someone needs to explain to her that Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen's classic Dancing in the Dark is not some old man sad bastard song; it's a fucking PARTY CUT of the first degree. If this bitch knew what the fuck she was doing she'd know that every night before Bruce plays this at a show, sirens start going off and a robot comes out blaring "Emergency! Emergency! Everyone must report to the dance floor! Take your party stations!” If Courtney Cox came up onstage when MacDonald was singing her version she'd fucking hang herself, for chrissake (also because she looks like an 8 year-old boy.)

Moi

I think until the age of about 15 I was under the impression that a year was 364 days long. Fucking a.

Yeah, FUCK the Vets! And hey, If They're Homeless, How Would We Know Where to Send Them Money Anyways?

Girls with Guns

Hell, I'd vote for her just because she's kinda hot, but I guess  this Sniffy Wannabe is banking on people being so stupid as to believe that being able to shoot a gun with a high degree of accuracy somehow translates into being able to legislate and enact the laws of the country effectively. But hey, these are the people that were impressed with Dick Cheney spraying his buddy with his gun-jizz from five feet away, so what can ya do.

Of course I, as usual, said it best:

Saw this guy on "60 Minutes" a while back and then again on Charlie Rose last night, and I like him. Has a creepy thing going on, but he seems to be the only guy with a viable idea to nip our dependance on oil in the bud instead of just shrugging his shoulders and shoving billion dollar bills in Exxon's pockets. Tho I guess that would mean Bush and Saudi Arabia would have to break up, c'est la vie. Also is a self-described populist, fierceful in his demands to help "the little guy." And as a hunter knows how to handle a rifle without looking like an idiot, which of course is so important in this country. Why I don't know; can you ever imagine the sentence "okay okay, everybody calm down...the President is on the way, he's gonna shoot the damn thing."

BREAKING NEWS: Courtney Love Less Than 100% Professional at Concert; Is There Anything Left to Believe In in This Cruel World?

It Could Happen

Finally, a Break for White People

Chinese companies hiring white people:

The requirements for these jobs are simple.
1. Be white.  (PROUDLY CHECK!)
2. Do not speak any Chinese, or really speak at all, unless asked.  (Does "are those ben-wa balls clean" count? If not, CHECK)
3. Pretend like you just got off of an airplane yesterday. ("Hey, I just flew here from the US, and boy are my arms tired!!...I'm just kidding. Which one of you ruv me rong time?" CHECK)

Chips

Was at the playground yesterday and a mom was passing out potato chips from a bag, and I noticed the bag said that they were "veggie chips." Wtf? Aren't all potato chips technically veggie chips? I mean, there's no beef chips coming outta Lays, is there?

Life. A box of fucking crackers, eh?

Sigh.

I just saw this headline:
How General Petraeus Will Change the Afghan War Strategy

I really don't know what's more pathetic - that here we are almost a decade later and we're supposed to pretend to be excited about some "new strategy" in an unnecessary, trillion-dollar stupid war, or that the entire reason the genius who is supposed to facilitate this "change in strategy" is even there in the first place is because some fucking idiot was stupid enough to run his mouth to a fucking hippy rock mag. Fucking christ.

June 29

That's how far we made it into this summer before some fucking jerkoff on the local news warns us that it's so hot we should simply stay inside with our air conditioning cranking. Thanks for the advice, genius asshole.

As I said back when I was a young(er) buck:

3) With warm weather coming up I’m bracing myself for the inevitable advice we’ll get during the first heat wave: “Stay inside with the air conditoning on.” Really? Wow, thanks! Cause I was gonna cover myself in maple syrup, put on my heaviest wool sweater and spin in circles on the baking asphalt for a while. Thanks! Jesus fucking christ. “Stay inside with the ac on.” If I could do that, Professor, then I wouldn’t give 2 shits about the fucking heat, now would I? That’s like if I wanna be a millionaire, “Have a million dollars in the bank!” thanks, assface.

Oh, Great.

Sniffy's Victim Candidacy just got another round of wing beneath it's wings.

I'm guessing the odds of her using the term "lamestream media" about this sometime today are the same as Hugh Hefner seeing his next pair of titties before I do. Fucking christ.

DT and the Shakes

CHRIS BONNEY
My first guitar idol (I never even pretended to dream of being as good as Bob Craver, Chris seemed a lot more fun at the time!) the first guitar I ever bought was the red Peavey he played on Smooth Studio Crafted Teen Fodder. Presently sitting in a case under my bed (the only show I played it at ended up sending me to the hospital for a week), every chord I've ever played I learned on that guitar. Was beyond a thrill to finally meet him this weekend; I definitely found myself sounding like a little girl talking to Justin Bieber. Fuck it - an incredible songwriter and guitar player; I wish he would move back to the US so we could use him. Oh yeah, and also seems to be the nicest guy in the world. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

STEVE COGHILL
My dad trained the alter boys at our church when I was a kid, and his prized pupil was Steve. "You boys should be more like the Coghill boy," he'd say. His two favorite things to do back then was to point out how much smarter my brother was than myself and to give weekly announcements re: how tall Steve was. "He's almost 6 feet, boys...what an alter boy!!" Also, my first ever babysitter was his sister Beverly, and the first job I ever got paid for was cutting the grass at his dad's office.  $6! And even then he'd come out and inspect it!!!!    :) Steve wrote Confidant Man, which ended up being Last Thing on the HITS album.

Also, his wonderful mother (who was at the reunion) is illWill's Godmother.

Hey, here they are a million years ago.

DT and the Shakes

I'm so depressed they'll prolly never play again  :(

The magic of a great pop song is that no matter how long it's been since you played it, it comes to life. These songs couldn't have been fucked up if they had tried.

Reunion

Reunion

Of the three records released at JMU in 1985, my least favorite was always The Undecided's record, Dressed to Watch Television. This isn't a blemish on them, it's just that the DT/Herdsmen records were A++ records, while the Undecided record was only an A+ record. Hey, my least favorite Beatles records are Rubber Soul and Abbey Road, so.

However, I have always wondered, including up to the moment Rylo and I were driving up Afton Mountain this weekend, if The Undecided's classic Broken Pieces was actually the best song from the three records. I think so.

The Rational Herdsmen

Lost in all my DT-mania is that another super-slice band of mine played at the reunion, The Rational Herdsmen. About once a year I play their debut ep back to back with DT's debut ep and try to figure out which one's better, and every year I'm stumped. So it was a thrill for me Saturday to not only see them play, but to meet them, and I was incredibly gobsmacked that they had seen the video I had posted on Xmastime a few months ago for their classic Through the Grate, and they all got a kick out of it. So I'm reposting here.

Also, their 1985 ep Out to Pasture is apparently going to be for sale soon on Reel to Reel Records, (buy the DT and Undecided records too!!!) and you'll hear it here first when you can be lucky enough to buy it.

Top 10 DT and the Shakes Slices

Don't Let Me Down


Tell Me It's Not the Same


It's Been Done


Masquerade


Seconds


Nowhere to Go


Last One Out


It's Leaving Now


It's Too Hard


Lotus

BREAKING NEWS: Amendment That Pretends Someone Is Fighting It Claws It's Way to a Victory, Giving It a Lifetime Won/Loss Record of a Mere 494-0

Poor Chad Curtis

Chad Curtis played in the Major Leagues for a decade, and yet all he has in his Wikipedia is any and all rifts with Derek Jeter.

HA!  Fuck you, douche!

Brilliant.

People are wondering if The Office should end once Steve Carrell leaves (I vote yes) HERE; and here's one person's idea for the ending:

- A light turns on, and David Brent wakes up alone in his bedroom. As it turns out, the entire series was just a recurring nightmare that he had about being an annoying middle-manager in America named Michael Scott.

Ricky Gervais is kicking himself right now, as I'm sure this is what he would've eventually come up with himself.

DT and the Shakes Reunion

Marley joining the band for a rocking version of Seconds:

Of course, this is all you need to see.

Album version of Seconds, which Marley also played on.

DT and the Shakes Reunion

What a day. Now that it's come and gone I'm so depressed. :(

At least there will be tons of video forthcoming, since apparently it was the most filmed event since WWII

The Once and Future Shake

DT and the Mizzutherfizzuckin Shakes

are back TODAY!

Gubment

Since the oil spill I've pounded the "genius" myth of the private market, and here's some more from Matt Yglesias.

I bring this up because this kind of petty waste in a public sector context would become grist for some sweeping political conclusions. Really sweeping. Not like “this agency should improve its management processes” or even the more general “in large bureaucratic organizations, lots of minor stuff goes wrong all the time.” Instead, it’d be like “this is why we have to privatize everything” or “obviously we can cut taxes and balance the budget by eliminating waste.”

But seriously, only the big gub'ment is staffed with retards.

sdtill

drunk

Yikes

my new slice

My New SLICE

We Live

in strange times:

Republicans on Thursday defeated Democrats' showcase election-year jobs bill, including an extension of weekly unemployment benefits for millions of people out of work more than six months.The 57-41 vote fell three votes short of the 60 required to crack a GOP filibuster, delivering a major blow to President Barack Obama and Democrats facing big losses of House and Senate seats in the fall election.

It must be interesting having to explain to someone that they won't be getting their benefits extended because 41 beats 57. Looking back at my high school football scores, I now eagerly await my sate championship rings. 

Then again, fuck them for not having the American guttiness and pluck to be born an heir to billions, which would grant them the sympathy of Congress.

The American Way!

A Tale of Two Cities

Where I live now:

Where I grew up:

Calling Pete Best

$800 is 0.00000000363% of $22 billion.

State of Me

Am compiling a Top 10 Facebook Friends of Mine I'd Bang list. Should appear next week. Good luck ladies!

Oh Oh.

Big teef. Shiny shirt. Possibly loose with her morals.

Wheelhouse? Yes.

World Cup

I like the buzz of the World Cup (vuvuzelas or whatthefuckever notwithstanding) because it's fun to see the rest of the world so passionate and crazy about something that doesn't include pizza parlor bombings or Lindsay Lohan, but I don't really give fuck-all what the US does in it since it's silly to pretend we care as much as the rest of the world about soccer (I believe everyone knows my sentiments on soccer), but that goal we just scored is about as dramatic a moment in recent sports that I can remember.

Also, it wiped out a "what's with all our goals getting wiped out, I thought Barry was gonna make the rest of the world like us?" riff I had brewing  :)

That's What You Get for Being a Tramp

Re-Posting, Just Because It's Fucking Awesome

This song is fucking awesome, since it combines two of my favorite things: The Archies' classic Sugar Sugar, and debasing women by calling them nasty as they gleefully service me along with all of their hot friends. And, I believe, some nice Chinese racism thrown in ("me ruv you rong time") and prodigious and well-placed use of the term "h8ers" along with the artist repeatedly letting everybody know that he is somewhat comfortable financially. In other words, THIS TRACK HAS IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Happy Release Day

Sharp review of the new Marah album at No Depression, as in the writer doesn't lazily drop the words "Springsteen" or "Hornby."

Emerging through difficult times is an achievement in itself. Coming out the other end having produced a valid work of art is a feat. Converting the tribulations of the past into a singular work of art such as Life Is A Problem is a triumph. As an autobiography of artists attempting to find their footing in the face of adversity, it is the most honest, open and human collection of songs Marah has yet produced. It may deny the listener the fist-pumping satisfaction of the group’s earlier epics like “The Catfisherman” or “Freedom Park,” but it trades those pleasures for something deeper, more challenging and ultimately highly rewarding. To borrow the language of modern technology,Life Is A Problem is a not a “lean-back” record; it’s an experience best appreciated in “lean-forward” mode....Marah fans may find some common ground between Life Is A Problem and the band’s ramshackle 1998 debut, Let’s Cut The Crap And Hook Up Later On Tonight, which was similarly recorded in situ – in the latter case not a farmhouse but above a South Philadelphia auto shop. 

It's Here!

Finally! Marah's LIFE IS A PROBLEM is now on iTunes!  Buy it HERE!

Artwork HERE  :)

SLICE

I Need to Hang Out at Mensa Meetings.

It's Official.

November 23, 2010, the day Miley Cyrus turns 18, Britney will officially be dethroned as my all-time Mrs. Xmastime.

35 Years Ago This Week...

...sharks landed on my shit list.

Sniffy Has Trouble Remembering the Name of the Guy That Knocked Up Her Daughter, Just Shouts Out Random Names Hoping to Hit It

"Oh Look, I Have a House on the River. My View is Better Than Yours. I'm an Asshole!"

Here Comes the UFO To Take Sistatime! Away. Or Jesus, I Guess. But Probably a UFO.

Weekend.

Try and guess who just cut one.

Weekend

Paddy Mac likens being hugged by Sistatime! with the Crucifiction of Christ. Dang, dude - lighten up! Sistatime!'s awesome!!!

This is Awesome.

Texas, in it's race to have it's children learn that Jesus invented the shotgun and Hank Aaron never beat the Babe's home run record, has forgotten to let themselves have a governor who's not too stupid to fuck their plan up. This is like JFK putting Amelia Earhart in charge of the space program. (too soon?)

Things You Hear at the Urinal from a 3 Year-Old You're in Charge of When You Hafta Piss at the Airport

"Look, the water's blue!"

"You have a big pee-pee!"

Question.

I've written here many, many times re: people's "outrage over government spending" is loosely translated into "government not spending money on shit I want it to." So I wonder how many of these Republicans would still be wringing their hands and whining about Obama getting $20B out of BP if it had been a big fat check to fight the "war on terrorism," or to fund more F-22s that nobody wants.

NBA Finals

Is Ron Artest the first person ever to thank his psychiatrist during a post-game interview?

Also, nice to see him blowing up his upcoming single. Where have we seen this before? Awesome.

But what this makes me think of is of course Ron Artest. Most people remember Artest’s fight at the Palace in 2004 –NBA player jumps into stands to fight, the world’s over we should all kill ourselves. Okay. But what got lost in that shuffle and what continues to both amaze me and crack me up is that earlier in the season, Artest had walked into his team’s offices and asked for a month off to promote a cd he had made for some girl group friends of his. The gumption and stupidity to walk in and ask for such a thing – Ron, my cap will always be doffed. Never forget, people!

We Did It.

The Bundt Burger.

Almost Here!!!

The 1985 Harrisonburg Music Reunion is next week!!!!, and to get yourself even more amped up you can buy DT and the Shakes' debut ep (with bonus tracks!), 1985's Smooth Studio Crafted Teen Fodder, HERE!!!!!.

Also you can buy The Undecided's 1985 debut lp HERE!!!!!!!

I don;'t think The Rational Herdsmen's 1985 debut ep Out to Pasture is available for sale, but here's a super-slice from it (they're all super-slices!)

 

Disclaimer: the DT ep was recorded before Marley joined the band, so...buyers beware

Pushing a Rock Up a Hill

Sully says it well HERE re: Obama has turned the GOP, formerly known as the "Non-Nonsense, Button-Down" party into one that demands baby-squealing emotion and superheroes flying in to save the day.

This is just a glimpse into the distortion inherent in our current political and media culture. It's way easier to comment on a speech - his hands were moving too much! - than to note the truly substantive victory, apparently personally nailed down by Obama, in the White House yesterday. If leftwing populism in America were anything like as potent as right-wing populism - Matt Bai has a superb analysis of this in the NYT today - there would be cheering in the streets....And that's why Obama's incrementalism, his refusal to pose as a presidential magician, and his resistance to taking the bait of the fetid right (he's president - not a cable news host) seems to me to show not weakness, but a lethal and patient strength. And a resilient ambition.

Obama's refusal to get sucked in and play Super Daddy just because of some fake noise is, of course, no surprise to those of us who weren't looking to merely get worked up by big-dicked magic voodoo speeches intended for babies in the first place.

Sniffy Bear: Juuuuuuuuuuust Right.

Sniffy on her Facebook is blathering on and on about "Mama Grizzlies" around the country running for office, since I guess we're very interested in those rarest of women who aren't indifferent to their children being attacked by others running the show from here on out. Oh look, and one of them even has her very own stage prop child with, as Palin says, "extra chromosomes," which apparently is a big plus since it means she has experience dealing with fucking retards challenges. That's pretty freaking stupid awesome!

For fairness and balance, I feel I owe to my old friend Theodore to check in with actual grizzly bears to see what they think of Palin's labeling her endorsements as "Grizzly Mamas."

"Please stop lumping us in with your inane bullshit. You are a fucking idiot. Please shut the fuck up."

Oh, here's a "Papa Bear" that wishes to speak up on this:

"Yo!  Your mouf, my balls!"