XMASTIME: Memorial Day

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day

Since nobody likes me I haven't been invited to a barbeque, so I've spent the past 8 hours weatching shows on the Travel Channel and Cooking Channel about other people eating food and pretending to orgasm about it, which reminds me of what my style of a show would be:

Sunday, February 01, 2009
Man vs Food et al
One of the things that blows about the "Genial Schlubby Guy Goes around the Country to Find Great and Outrageous Food" genre of tv shows that have flooded the Food Network and Travel Channel et al is the inevitable visit to the kitchen, where the dude has to completely fucking go over the top with his effusive praise. The predicable swooning is cringe-worthy - we get it, Peter Luger's steak is great. Are you really that surprised? But no, we hafta get a falling down, gasping in shock "this is THE BEST ___________ EVER!!!!!!!" And even worse is that a lot of the cooks are black, so then incredibly white dude always feels the need to be "down homey" while over-effusing; I'm always surprised when they stop just short of "oooooh, make you wanna slap yo' mama, Junebug!!!!" Fucking christ.

I'd like a more toned down show; maybe something called The Mildly Impressed Guy.

Cook: So, how you like THAT??!
Me: Pretty good.
Cook: "Pretty good"?!?!
Me: Well, really good. Was a really good burger.
Cook: Oh.
Me: So. Well, I gotta run.
Cook: I...I'm sorry, I...
Me: hey hey, it's cool. Was a really good burger. Don't worry about it. Was fine.
Cook: "Fine."
Me: Now Loni Anderson...THAT was a good-lookin woman, right? Am I right?....okay, I'm out.

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