"A-Rod's Stupid Elf Ears"

Here's Jeter's diary while on the DL.  Ha!

Some of my faves:

Oh, great. Some joker has 2,994 lit up in his window. Hey, guy, it's not about 3,000. It's about winning. I don't care that I'm six hits away. Six hits is nothing. I'll eat six hits for breakfast tomorrow. That makes no sense. I need to sleep. This is the worst.

(after a fight with Minka):
Next thing I know I'm trying to sleep on the couch in Highlight Room Two, underneath the giant flat-screen that plays The Flip on a loop. You can't even turn it off. So it's Jeremy Giambi and me, all night long. Not as fun as it sounds.

The rings are sparkling. I named them, each for a great Yankee champion:

'96: Babe
'98: Mickey
'99: Yogi
'00: Reggie
'09: Minka

Hey, I'm not sleeping on the couch again. I'm not an idiot.

They call Nuney "energetic" and say he has "more range." Yeah, watch him dig one out in the hole and then fire it into the Legends seats. You've got to play under control. I might not get to those balls anymore, but I'm not going to knock a $20 beer out of a Goldman exec's hand. Don't get too comfortable, Nuney. I'm back in six days.

I get home and Minka's just read on some gossip blog that the Charlie's Angels producers supposedly tried to get Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl before they went out to her for the new show. "She's not hot enough for that part," I offer.

That was not the right answer.

Me and Jeremy Giambi have another great night together. If this happens again, I'm going to Highlight Room Four and sleeping under The Dive.

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

In case my 4th of July holiday goes like my Memorial Day weekend, ie sitting around scratching my balls while nobody invites me to do anything, it's good to know tv is loading up on marathons.

Looks like tomorrow I'll be toggling betwixt The Waltons and Roseanne.

Saturday looks like Frasier and Beverly Hills 90210, sprinkled in with some Man vs. Food throughout.

Sunday looks like a bit of a wash, so I'll prolly spend that time crying and bitching about not being invited anywhere.

Monday, maybe I'll dip my feet back into The Real Housewives of NYC, more Roseanne, oooh, definitely the Travel Channels, "Paradise" food series (particularly the hot dog and hamburger ones, which I've only seen 780000 times so far), maybe a little My So Called Life, and then finish the weekend up with three hours of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Sigh.  Quite a life I'm putting together here.

Great. Now I Gotta Spend My Holiday Weekend Tightening Up My Resume. Fucking Hell.

I...I Can't Even Look...

Coming Along Right Schedule

The few sports that are left for Will Ferrell to make a "movie" about:

Archery
Girl's High School Volleyball
Cross Country Skiing
Decathlon
Discus
Bocce
Junior Varsity Girl's High School Volleyball

Looks like our long, national nightmare maybe over about 2014. Thank god. - XMASTIME

Looks like Ferrell is about to knock "neighborhood football" off the list:

Ferrell will be reteaming with director and cohort Adam McKay for Three Mississippi (formerly Turkey Bowl), the story of a neighborly football game that has gotten increasingly contentious everyman. Which means Ferrell will need to go to storage and dust off the “befuddled everyman prone to violent outbursts” temperament, a la Kicking and Screaming. The project should hit theaters by next Thanksgiving, giving Ferrell about seven months to work on his frustrated “DAMMIT!”s before filming begins.

Sigh.

Halperin

Via Sully HERE a reader points out that Mark Halperin's real crime isn't calling Obama a dick, but getting paid to sit around and be wrong about everything, since, AS I WROTE HERE, fucking up pays, and once you're in, you stay in.  Political punditry is the roach motel of fields.  Halperin's impressive resumé of stupidity puts him within shouting distance of that most hallowed of pundits without a single correct thought in his little head, the Michael Jordan of this ilk: Bill Kristol.

Two Ricks Are(n't) Better Than One

Rick Perry and Rick Scott are two of the biggest dickheads of the current crop  of GOP Governors, and if you're the Ruth Gehrig of that particular group, then you are truly, impressively horrible.  They're both taking shit for skipping out during emergencies to play picnic with the Koch brothers.

On one hand, yes, it does look bad for them to be doing this in such a desperate time for their states.  On the other hand, what would they be doing, throwing dirt on fires?  Making sandwiches for the firemen?  Believe me, if you live in Texas or Florida the last place you want these two is in Texas or Florida, sitting around thinking of more ways to screw their constituents over. 

Mostly, this whole post is an excuse to reprise one of my favorite bits from years ago:

And as a hunter knows how to handle a rifle without looking like an idiot, which of course is so important int his country. Why I don't know; can you ever imagine the sentence "okay okay, everybody calm down...the President is on the way, he's gonna shoot the damn thing."

Attendance

via:

On a random note, every game around this time, someone from the Yankees media relations department announces the attendance through an intercom system in the press box. Today, Bernie Williams made the announcement. It was pretty funny.

Why the fuck do they always announce the attendance at games?  Just like asking why I should give a fuck about how much money a movie is making, who gives a fuck?  I can understand if you wanna pat yourself on the back for a sellout, and simply announce "Today's game is a sellout, you fans are great" blah blah.  But they always say "Today's attendance was 43,178" or whatever, which doesn't mean shit to anybody.  And they even do it on tv - "hey, 42,917 people here have a better life than you, asshole."  Mostly, just once I'd like to hear a team announce "Today's attendance is 14.  Christ, you fuckers suck."

Corporate Shitter

One of the bathrooms is being renovated, but I for one had no idea, so when I walked in and saw the entire room completely stripped bare, just four walls with holes where pipes had once been, I immediately thought "what the fuck - who would steal a bathroom!??!?!!?"

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

Republicans need to quit using rock songs for their campaigns.  All it does is get the musician pissed off, drawing that much more attention to the fact that you probably suck and are the proverbial old fuck who doesn't "get" the jungle music of today's youth (even if said musician is an older than fuck guy like Tom Petty...who, as we already know, doesn't really inspire anybody to do anything, much less support a presidential candidate.)  Surely there are enough Charlie Daniels songs to go around for these people, no?

DUDE WHO GETS LAID LESS OFTEN THEN ME DU JOUR: Reader Adam

I Apparently Rule the Internet

Tuesday I wrote THIS.  And today we see THIS.

Dickhead

Mark Halperin gets suspended from MSNBC for calling President Obama a "dick."  Meanwhile, nobody has a problem with someone such as Newt Gingrich sprinting from camera to camera spouting that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim who is purposely trying to destroy America, just as soon as he gets his old Weather Underground terrorist gang back together.  But of course, "dick" is too far.

Dudes Suck.

One thing I love is when guys try to impress chicks by saying that if it wasn't for the curveball, they'd have been major baseball stars.  Riiiiiiiiiiiight.  Yes, I'm SURE it was only the curveball that stopped you.  Surely you could hit a 95mph fastball with movement, mixed in with an 81mph change-up that falls off a table.  Of course.  Oh, and surely you were born with a freak arm that allows you to casually toss a ball 100 feet to your teammate, smacking his glove with that unique sound that echoes throughout an empty ballpark.  Of course.  And I'm not even going to bring up the thousands of hours spent in the cage instead of trying to explain why Hunky Dory is better than Ziggy Stardust, or having an encyclopedic knowledge of everything every pitcher has every thrown you.  Yes. of course, it was only that dastardly curveball that kept you from the majors.  Hmm.

Facebook Status du Jour

Shitzza

If you were worried you wouldn't be able to find the shittiest pizza in New York City, your worries are over, because I've found it.  Fratelli's on Grand btw. Bedford & Berry.  Fucking christ.

At least there's plenty of pinball to play.

If you're a loser.

Playing into Their Hands There, Aren't you, Cowboy?

In Case You Missed the Hayday Show Last Friday

Wuv. Twue wuv.

The NRO is whining that same-sex marriage is, say it with me, destroying "marriage."

If the heterosexual divorce rate finds itself under 50% anytime soon, wake me up.  Until then, you're a fucking snore.  I know reality is a hard thing to swallow, but try lectures from thrice-divorced marriage advocates. 

American Exceptionalism = a Joke

Must be a pretty good feeling, knowing that our staying in Iraq is basically just to show Bin Laden that we can. So fuck it, I‘m stepping up and nominating Bin Laden for President. Look at all the bumbling inefficiency we have in DC these days; meanwhile, this guy has the single greatest super power in the history of the world spending billions of dollars as well as human lives simply because he once mentioned that we couldn’t do it. Amazing. Think of what this dude could accomplish in the White House. “Hold up…President Bin Laden said we’d always be fat? Oh, fuck that!” BAM!!! National obesity rate plummets. “The HELL I can’t read!!” Literacy becomes the new GameBoy. And so on. - XMASTIME

Sully via HERE points out the truth: in a decade that historians will one day look back and laugh at, Osama bin Laden won:

He got the US to spend $4.4 trillion in a decade on counter-terrorism, using just a handful of men with boxcutters - and a whole lot of fear. For good measure, he goaded incompetents like Dick Cheney into violating core US standards of morality.

There's a Br'er Rabbit lesson to be learned in there somewhere.

In case we're not embarrassed enough, here's what I wrote about Osama vs. Hitler:

The comparisons of Osama Bin Laden to Hitler seem to me a bit tenuous.  Other than they were both obviously assholes, their results are the complete opposite: Hitler was responsible for tens of millions of deaths and a war that propelled the USA into it's role of world superpower with decades of hyper-productivity and economic upswing; Osama killed 3,000 people on a single morning that propelled us into at least a decade of total economic collapse and a complete willingness to forfiet those things that make us "American," e.g. civil liberties and a high moral standing throughout the world.  We should all be happy he's gone, but was the price worth it?  While nobody would consider such a question with Hitler, it seems a very plausible one to me.

More Fagz Stuff

If you were waiting for gay marriage to sweep the nation, don't hold your breath, thanks to the voters of 2004:

Conservatives hustled to put anti-gay-marriage constitutional amendments on state ballots. One reason for their haste was the Massachusetts ruling, which set off alarms that judges might impose gay marriage in other states. Another reason was that Republicans needed a scary issue to mobilize the religious right in the 2004 elections. But the third reason was that the polls, from a conservative standpoint, were moving in the wrong direction. Conservatives often fret that traditional moral assumptions are unraveling. In the case of gay marriage, they're right.

So they took the issue to the polls. By 2002, voters in three states had approved constitutional amendments against gay marriage. In 2004, another 13 states joined the list. Two more followed in 2005, eight more in 2006, and three more in 2008. That's 29 states. 

Isn't that awesome.  I would only add that Thomas Jefferson, yet another Founding Father conservatives pretend to understand but get wrong at every turn, would have been miffed at this.

Seven years isn't a lifetime, or even a generation.  But the Earth belongs to the living.

Roll on.

Clarence, Again

There's a zillion articles to choose from, but I worry about the standard "Bruce and Clarence teamed up to thumb their nose at society re: race" meme.  Real life just doesn't happen that way.  I can almost promise such a thing occurred to exactly nobody at the time (YES, I've me them both, don't even think for a minute I'm sharing those private moments with you right now.)  Also, it would make Bruce guilty of an indefensible crime: being akin to one of the most offensive movies ever.  Fucking christ.

Olbermann.

Keith Olbermann is like criticism - even if you agree with him, he's hard to take. Ugh. - XMASTIME

I just realized Keith Olbermann has a show again. What the fuck.  Who's watching this?  I just saw five minutes of him tearing into Michele Bachmann, and started rooting for Bachmann.  If he banged on Hitler I'd come away "well, the ovens weren't THAT hot..."

Ugh.  Insufferable.

Sistatime!

illWill Time!

The Farts

South Carolina has followed Kansas' noble footsteps in canceling it's gee, so costly arts program:

As was the case in Kansas, the funding for the South Carolina Arts Commission wasn’t the difference between a balanced budget and a deficit. Instead, Brownback and Haley had both pushed to eliminate their arts commissions, and when their legislatures disagreed with them on the wisdom of cutting small programs that support a wide range of arts endeavors across their states, they eliminated the agencies through executive action. 

This of course throws their own constituents under the bus so as to please a national audience, a lá  Rex Ryan  Chris Christie.  Very impressive.  Are we ever going to see a governor win his home state in a Presidential race?  After all, impressing stupid people across the nation takes a little more than merely being a good governor.

Hey, you know what, fuck it.  If South Carolina doesn't want any funding for arts, that's fine with me.  More for everybody else.  If South Carolina wants to remain a bunch of shit-kickin' idiots who wonder why the Jews run Hollywood and not South Carolineans, that's their prerogative.  Keep voting for people like Nikki Haley.  They're more than welcome to bore themselves silly while wondering why their state is going bankrupt despite canceling a coupla community theaters, all while young people have no desire to move there.  If you're going to lead a life of ignorance, it might as well be willful.

Clarence

The first thing I thought of when I heard Clarence Clemons had died was "I bet Bruce is going to give the best eulogy ever," and, of course, he did.

Clarence doesn't leave the E Street Band when he dies. He leaves when we die.

True Dat, Fagz Edition

via Sully:

To say simply "I believe civil marriage is between a man and a woman" is not an argument. It's also irrelevant in six states and the nation's capital. What you have to do is explain why you believe two gay people cannot and should not be married in terms beyond mere sectarian dogma. We live in a republic, not a church.

Hey, I believe Arby's is about the roast beef, not the ham & cheese or turkey sandwiches, but I don't care if they exist.  When I go to Arby's, I get the roast beef. You want the turkey sandwich, order away.  More roast beef for me.  And when it comes to gettin' my stank on, I like the ladies.  If you don't, it ain't no sweat off my balls.  Matter of fact, it's more poo-nay-nay for me!

4) I still don’t understand why guys are freaked out by gay dudes. To me, this is fucking stupid – hey, Mr. “I love fucking pussy!” Idiot, if some guy is gay THEN THAT’S ONE MORE GUY OUT OF THE WAY IN YOUR QUEST TO FUCK CHICKS! Hell, I wish they ALL were gay! I hear a dude is gay, all I think is “nice!” and mentally mark him off the list of dudes I’m competing against for chicks. Seems so simple to me. It’s like when the burgers come off the grill and someone says “oh, I’m a vegetarian” - more burgers for me! One problem is some of these idiots assume that if you’re gay you’ll immediately start to hump him like you’re Triumph the Comic Insult Dog at the Westminster Kennel. Cause I guess while we should assume that a gay dude is gonna immediately get all on top of you, we shouldn’t assume that after 9 Miller Lites and your third time telling your buddies “man, I fucking LOVE pussy!” you’re gonna rape the first girl you fucking see. Camon.  Let em all be gay, I say. More pussy for me.

Home.

I suppose we're all supposed to be gleeful at the prospect of Sniffy losing her home state, presumably because she's horrible, but it's also a sobering reminder of how different the world might be if, of all people, Al "The Prince of Tennessee" Gore had won his own home state in 2000.  Sigh.

Is David Brooks An Idiot?

I like David Brooks.  Obviously I don't agree with him politically when it comes to a lot of things, but I respect what he says, and tune in when he's on Charlie Rose.  And then I see his article in today's NY Times, wherein he drops a final, dramatic line that's (I guess) supposed to take our breath away:

The former messiah will have to become a manager.

The "the only reason people back Obama is because of his voodoo!" thinly-veiled insult notwithstanding, the fact is Brooks spent the entire article explaining that Obama is just that: a manager.  A "delegator and convener."  So upon landing on his final line, I really don't see what his entire point was.  If I've read it correctly, Brooks is exasperated that Obama is exactly what Brooks himself declares he needs to be.  Interesting.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hollywood is Very Original.

It's Here!

Sniffy's film The Undefeated premieres in Iowa tonight!!!!  This has to be the most important movie premiere since (insert name of some other movie with a smoking hot chick that says a bunch of stuff without actually saying anything, has plenty of loud noises and flashing colors ...Transformers 3?)

I'm pissed I'm not there, meaning that after the flick ends when ther light come on, I'll miss Sniffy standing up and turning to face the audience with this pose:

"NAILed it!"

Xmastime Notes

The last 7000 times I've meant to write "something", I've typed "somethign."

Except, curiously, just now.  Hmm.

I am an enigmatic mystery cat. 

The Backfire Effect

I don't wanna spend too much time on this sort of thing, but on the very day we're talking about Bachmann's doubling down on untruths because she knows her followers won't question her, this video comes out with an exlantion for that very phenomenon.  The Backfire Effect, which basically means that once certain people lock something into their belief system, having it disproven by facts only makes then angrily cling to that belief even harder.  Interesting.  And no, we're not including religion/faith here, but facts.

Xmastime Book Review

Instead of actually being written, was The Ponder Heart spoken over the phone straight to the printer? Wtf?  And yes, I know we're supposed to get moist about how "real" it makes us to read old Southern sayings etc, but camon.  And the only funny bit at all was the line about the family that hoped someone would discover oil in their front yard so they would "fly inside and tell them about it."

Milestones. I Have Them.

Today will always be remembered as "the day I brazenly walked into the office shitter with a book."

Completely Out of Context Line of Conversation I Walked in On du Jour

"He told me I was swallowing wrong."

Hmm.

Pretty Cool

55 years after Larsen's perfect game in the World Series, here's Yogi and Don Larsen at Old Timer's Day this past Sunday.  (little-known fact about that game: Mo Rivera was warming up in the pen)

Well. What Took So Long?

Again - I don't remember flying to Wikipedia to claim the US had 57 states when Obama misspoke.  But maybe cause I hate freedom?

Bachmann, Ctd.

In a comment below, Anonymous doesn't like me being a big 'ol meanie to Bachmann:

There are others who get a hoot from side stepping the issues and lactching onto human error rather than understanding what it is that motivates individuals to succeed. Instead it's all about catching an error and running with it, quickly unraveling your own character and revealing shallowness. Not you, of course my dear X.

First of, this better be a chick.

Secondly, I believe I've been clear that there's a difference between "human error" and clinging to untruths because you know that's what your base wants.  One is perfectly human and benign, the other is potentially dangerous. Meanwhile, one's character being questioned for pointing out someone's determined looseness with facts is becoming the new "CALLING someone a racist is worse than actually BEING a racist."

As long as she is running for President of the United States, I feel perfectly fine wondering why she wants to insist on John Quincy Adams being a Founding Father, even after it's pointed out to her that he was 9 years old.  If this makes anyone upset because it feels like I'm picking on the sweet little retarded kid in the room, then you should wonder why she's running in the first place.

With this incredible GOP field before us, and Sniffy floating around, our only hope is that they get all of their incredibly stupid shit outta the way early, so it's forgotten by this time next year.  Or, of course, we'll be worn down to the nubs, and it'll become like trying to keep all of Bush's fuckups in the closet.

Bachmann should take one from my playbook:

So why not get the shit the fuck over with? It is inevitable - you WILL be humiliated with each misspoken word, so why not get it over with early in the season? Like college football: a loss in September means you have plenty of time to come back and win the championship, but a late loss? Fatal. So if I was Candidate John Doe, here's what I would say today as I announce my candidacy:

"Thank you, thank you for coming. First of all, let me be clear: I hate the troops, do not support them - they fight for the very freedom that I despise. I hate niggers and hey, if the spics wanna come over and sell tomatoes so that my gay son doesn't have to, then hey, Allah Bless 'em. Yes, I know I voted for the war, but only after I didn't vote for voting for the war, thereby giving the President the power to go to war, which I voted for before I voted for the right to voting. Fool me once, won't get fooled again, fool me twice, well, who cares since the Holocaust never happened anyway. Speaking of knishes, there are in fact 2 "e"s in "potatoees." Anyways, I gotta go fuck my 14-year old poolboy before hitting an abortion pep rally. Those abortion doctors aren't gonna applaud for themselves!!! Again, thank you and I look forward to leading this loser country, and I'm pronouncing that as "cunt-ry" cause I hate women. Peace and chicken grease!"

There. All your possible gaffes, out within 30 seconds. Year from now no one even remembers, and there's only one way to go: up.

Hey Thanks A Lot, Teacher's Unions and PBS!!!!!!!! Happy Now, Faggots?!?!!?!

Ah yes - those most noble of patriots, the "jobs creators", are at it again.

More Lorenzo Charles

Dicky V. on the death of Lo Charles, and NC State's improbable run:

That moment in 1983 was special because NC State was such a huge underdog entering the ACC tournament. The Wolfpack had to beat the likes of North Carolina with Michael "the Magnificent" Jordan and Virginia with Ralph Sampson just to make it to the Big Dance. That was amazing in its own right.

I, for one, don't remember Jordan being called "The Magnificent," but okay.
Look how spoiled I was growing up when I did:

1981 Final Four: first time UVa went, featuring my favorite player of all time Jeff Lamp.  I don't remember the Final, but I remember them losing to fucking UNC.  Also, Lamp, Raker and Gates finishing their careers by beating LSU in the last-ever consolation game on the day Reagan was shot
1982 Final Four: Jordan's shot, the birth of Jordan as superstar, Freddie Brown's unbelievable pass to Worthy
1983 Final Four: Lo Charles' dunk, Jimmy V's hug, and the still fucking incredible Phi Slamma Jamma.  Them vs. Louisville was prolly the most exciting semi of all time.
1984 Final Four: UVa's improbable run a year after Ralph left, took Houston to OT; to this day, nobody knows how.
1985 Final Four: Final was an upset that maybe surpassed NC State's. Height of the Big East.
1986 Final Four: Final game was blah, tho can still see Ricky Blanton running down the floor like a retard for LSU in the semi.
1987 Final Four: Smart's shot to win coming a year after the miserable season outlined in A Season on the Brink, Derrick Coleman's monster game as a freshman.  Still have no idea how IU beat UNLV two days earlier.
1988 Final Four: Greatest team nickname of all time: Danny and the Miracles.
1989 Final Four: Michigan's run being kicked off by Bo Schembechler firing the coach "Michigan will be coached by a Michigan man", Robinson hitting those two free throws to win it.
1990 Final Four: Duke's getting shellacked by UNLV, setting the table for a year later, with both starting fives back, beating a UNLV team we all assumed was the greatest of all time in the semifinal.  We'll never see a year-long grudge match with anywhere near that much veteran talent again

Even just after that, you had Duke being the first team to repeat since UCLA, and Chris Webber's brain fart.

Not a bad run!

Sigh. Why Do I Try to Be Nice?

Just when I had decided to be nice to Michelle Bachmann, she fucks me over by fucking DOUBLING DOWN on her idea that John Quincy Adams was a founding father, despite being 9 years old at the time. 

I mean, for chrissake.  Again, just like with Sniffy and her Paul Revere shit, why can't Bachmann simply say it was a verbal slip?  Of all names, "John Adams" and "John Quincy Adams" ARE VERY EASY TO MIX UP - they're almost the same fucking name!  She didn't confuse "John Adams" with "Ava Devine," for fuck's sake.

But as with Sniffy, it's behooves her to insist that she didn't misspeak, sit back and allow her minions to squawk their outrage re: the "liberal gotcha media bias!"  Nobody, including her followers, are interested in Bachmann getting anything right.  They're looking for her to be the attractive white woman who wipes us clean of white guilt, male guilt (well, if we actually had any), and, most of all, science guilt.  Sully nails it:

For her, America was born in freedom for all and Fundamentalist Christianity. It was born instead in the Enlightenment, slavery, the subjugation of women, and rebellion against the Crown. That is far too complicated a thought for Bachmann to absorb. It would require her to ask questions, even to doubt the immaculate conception of America. And doubt is something these contemporary reactionaries do not do. Sticking to untruths is far preferable.

And, more importantly, easier.

Bachmann

Sully, piling on Bachmann:

Not so long ago, Michele Bachmann thought that Bunker Hill was in New Hampshire. Now she can genuinely claim she got John Wayne's state right; just not the right city. Sooner or later, she might actually get something right.

It's fun picking on Bachmann whenever she says something stupid, but it's not AS much fun as when Palin does it, because while Bachmann seems to be a complete loon, she also doesn't seem mean or vindictive like Palin.  I'm sure anyone who knows her thinks of Bachmann as perhaps misguided, but very nice and well-intentioned.  Meanwhile, if you can point to anyone who's gotten an inside look into Sniffworld without coming away scared to sleep with the lights off, I'd like to meet them.

Dang.

Lorenzo Charles, who had the game-winning dunk to beat Houston in NC State's improbable title win in 1983, was killed driving a bus:

Former North Carolina State basketball star Lorenzo Charles, the muscular forward whose last-second dunk gave the underdog Wolfpack the 1983 national collegiate championship, was killed Monday when a bus he was driving crashed, a company official said Monday.

Charles' dunk gave us the best-ever championship game finish, was probably the biggest upset for the final until Villanova's even MORE improbable win two years later AND unleashed Jimmy V on the world (although I was probably at the time still curled up like a ball crying over them ending Ralph's career at UVa.) I still say there should be an HBO doc on that team.

Side note: Why was Lo Charles driving a bus?  I'd think that if you hit the game-winning shot for an NCAA championship game, the school would pay you $100k/year just to hang around.  Wtf?

My Hero du Jour

The guy I saw carrying a baby in a bjorn and a case of Budwesier in each hand crossing Bedford Avenue against the light, missing getting hit by a bus by about two seconds.

Oh, Those Whacky Jews!

Eric Cantor might be smarter than I thought, since he's positioned himself as the GOP negotiator on the debt ceiling while being invested in a firm that will make mad $crillah if America defaults:

When Eric Cantor shut down debt ceiling negotiations last week, it did more than just rekindle fears that the U.S. government might soon default on its debt obligations -- it also brought him closer to reaping a small financial windfall from his investment in a mutual fund whose performance is directly affected by debt ceiling brinkmanship..."If the debt ceiling isn’t raised, investors would start fleeing U.S. Treasuries," said Matt Koppenheffer, who writes for the investment website the Motley Fool. "Yields would rise, prices would fall, and the Proshares ETF should do very well. It would spike."

Some might call this somewhat of a conflict of interest, although in Cantor's defense it's pretty indisputable that those people would be, as Jesus' scrappy, lovable sidekick Baby Jesus would say, "a buncha motherfuckin' queers!!"

Fucking Hell. There Goes My 2052 nickname :(

Oh, Michelle

Junior Varsity Sniffy opens her mouth, shows she doesn't know where Wikipedia is:

In an interview yesterday with Newsmax, Michelle Bachman said she wants to live in “John Wayne’s America.” And in the Iowa town of Waterloo today, where she announced her presidential candidacy, Bachmann told Fox News, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” But unfortunately for historically challenged Bachmann, as the Washington Times points out, the John Wayne born in Waterloo is John Wayne Gacy, the notorious serial killer.

Of course, this opens the door for Xmastime critics who have not yet been silenced by the heel of my boot to howl at me for snobbishly "picking on" Bachmann.  But pointing out that someone's wrong does not automatically make anyone some unhinged, biased liberal playing "gotcha!"  If someone who is running for the most important job on the planet says 2+2=5, you're not an asshole for pointing out their mistake.

This latest dumbass moment from Bachmann reminds me of why the Stewart/Wallace interview frustrated me, when Wallace accused Stewart of being a big meanie to Palin et al for pointing out when they do stupid shit.  Stewart should've said look, you can't keep rolling out people like Palin/Bachmann/Paul/Cain/Pawlenty/listgoeson and then expect nobody to say anything when they say the crazy shit YOU KNOW they're going to say.

Pizza Boxed

4) You ever see a pizza box laying on the ground and think "hey…I wonder if there’s a slice in there"? Hell, for all you know there’s a whole pie in there. Maybe people leave full pies on the sidewalk and observe to see who looks in – if you’re the one that looks, free pizza! Of course I never do, as I know that the second I decide to start opening up trash in the middle of the street looking for food every girl I’ve ever had a crush on will turn the corner and be staring at me, but it’s really starting to gnaw away at me that I’m walking past all these empty pizza boxes that could be filled with pizzas all this time. - XMASTIME

I'm really starting to think my neighbors are fucking with me.

Question.

Why does the 2011 MLB All Star Game logo look like a shitty heavy metal album title? Wtf?

Well. This is Disappointing.

The booth in which the final scene of The Sopranos took place doesn't have Don't Stop Believing in the jukebox.

Yes, which is a reminder of the insane shit they ate on the show:

...can these people eat ANYthing that’s not fucking uber-Italian? Wtf? Every fucking piece of food, its pasta, it’s bruschetta, blahblahscotti. I understand pasta et al is your culture’s go-to meal, I’m cool with that – big celebratory meal, break out the spaghetti bolognese. But Tony comes waddling down the stairs in his robe, peeks his head in the fridge, and asks for what – piece of pie? Leftover meat loaf? No, of course he’s screaming “what happened to all the fucking Gnocchi di semolino??!!!” And Carmen never shoots back with “Sit down and shut up, I’ll make you a tuna fish sandwich”, she’s always like “I’ll make some pansotti alla genovese, go get dressed!” to wit he grunts. Or whit. Wichever.

Enough; every fucking scene they gotta prove how Italian these fuckers are. Here’s Pauly slicing proscutto in the shower, here’s Chrissy eating pizza with 2 spoons. We get it. You’re Italian: you like pasta, you live at home til you’re 40 and you’re the loudest braying ass in whichever room you’re in. You’re more Italian than me, congratulations, you win. Just once, just once can we get one of these mfs burning his hand pulling the frozen tater tots outta the oven with a Little Debbie Fudge Round stuck in his mouth?

Names are Funny is They're Not White

Matt Yglesias points out some jerkoff from Indianapolis who's upset about foreigners having names that are odd to us.

This reminds me of my 7th grade graduation, when everybody's full names were read out loud. About 60% of my class was black, and at that age I guess nobody really asked or cared what everyone else's middle names were.  The howls of laughter let out by all the white adults as funny African middle name after funny African middle name was announced almost shook the gym.

And no, this doesn't make me racist, since I love What's Happening! and, of course, Buuuuuuuuuuuuuf!

Reality.

Sully points out conservative David Frum's about-face on same-sex marriage:

Most conservatives have reacted with calm -- if not outright approval -- to New York's dramatic decision. Why? The short answer is that the case against same-sex marriage has been tested against reality. The case has not passed its test.

That's all sweet and cuddly but it'd be nice if "conservatives" worried about reality elsewhere.  For instance, how many more decades of watching trickle-down economics fail miserably have to go by before they decide it fails the "reality test"?

Well. This is Pretty Awesome.

This is interesting:

The United States spends $20.2 billion annually on air conditioning for troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan — more than NASA's entire budget, NPR reported.

In fact, the same amount of money that keeps soldiers cool is the amount the G-8 has committed to helping the fledgling democracies in Tunisia and Egypt.

I'm really torn on this one.  On one hand, I hate these stupid wars and that we're even over there. Also, I love NASA.  On the other hand, I REALLY love air conditioning.  Also, I like trying to get back that $20B by stripping union workers and pregnant women of their rights, so you understand my dilemma.

Sigh. Life.  Fucking box of crackers, no?

Guess Which Paper Jesus' Scrappy, Loveable Sidekick Baby Jesus Prefers?

Hint: "The one that doesn't love all the fuckin' queers!"

Kate Xmastime

Skimming through this book (which, I should point out, doesn't make me gay) I see again and again friends from Kate Middleton's youth speak of how as a little girl she "told them that one day she would marry Prince William" with hushed awe - oh my god, she said she would, and then she did!!!

I mean, for fuck's sake - you know who else said that?  EVERY SINGLE LITTLE GIRL IN ENGLAND, along with EVERY OTHER LITTLE GIRL ON THE PLANET!!!  Including, ta-da!, the very girls now saying such of Kate Middleton.  Camon.  Ask a little boy what he wants to be when he grows up, he'll say "baseball player," or some shit like that, so when that one kid in 20 million makes the Major Leagues, it's not that "spooky."  Now if a little kid announced that when he grew up he wanted to be the Assistant Regional Accountant for the Northeast Region of John Deere and then actually did it, THAT would fucking be impressive.

Reality Show Idea

3) I’m starting to notice a lot of game shows are played by people that already have money. It’s always “Hi I’m Roy, I own a string of hardware stores back east…” etc. It’s never “Hi I’m Eddie, they told me there were some cold cuts in the back…” Wouldn’t it be more exciting if only poor people were allowed on these shows? People whose lives could REALLY be changed by small amounts of cash – not these guys who keep going for the million bucks cause fuck it, what do they care if they lose, they already own Tulsa. But saying to a poor person hey, you can go for the million bucks, or walk out right now with $7,000 – well to me that’s drama. And you KNOW if this poor guy goes back home having blown a chance to get some money, any money at all, his family will pound on him till kingdom come. We could even have follow-up visits to the guy’s house a year later, where his family tries to be nice but the resentment drips like it’s from a faucet. “Here, have some rice n beans…oh no, it’s not Rice a Roni…you know, some people just can’t afford the name brands…isn’t that right, Captain Asshole?” - XMASTIME

There should be a reality show wherein once a week, 7 people give up their entire life savings and everything they own (including their house) for the chance to win $25 million in a lottery. You don't think that 1-in-7 chance wouldn't be tantalizing enough for people to do this? And THEN, immediately, live and in front of the world, the winner is offered a double-or-nothing coin flip. Boom!

Life, by Xmastime

When it all boils down, life is just an endless series of variations on the old "I don't have to outrun Dracula, I just have to out run you" joke.  In other words, it's not as important that I'm young as it is that I've surrounded myself with people older than me.

(as well as the vampire joke, Sinbad also has the "don't get a 12:01 beating" I referenced HERE re: George Bush.  The ass-whuppin' riff still kills me.)

Oh, Fuck This Asshole

via MARLEY I see this article, wherein while apparently trying to break the world record for backhanded compliments, the dumbass writer insinuates that Bruce only kept Clarence around because he was black, and the gee, if only Bruce had a "real" sax player, he really coulda made something of himself.  Fucking asshole.

Although yes, this is a bit much.  We get it Bruce, you don't hate black people.  Pump the brakes, dude!

The Internet is Very Informative

KRAMER: George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.
GEORGE: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
KRAMER: That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
GEORGE: Oh, that's nice.
KRAMER: Hey, did you ever read one of these?
GEORGE: It's not real. They're all made up.
KRAMER: Oh, it's real.
GEORGE: You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES!

If I've gauged internet porn correctly, and you'll excuse me for being confidant enough in presuming to be somewhat of an expert in the field so as to boast about my qualifications therein, there seems to be an unusual number of sons in this country who are catching their mothers cheating and then blackmailing the mothers into having sex with them in return for not telling their father.  And, of course, filming it and putting it online. Of course.

Where I'm at Today

I've become way too obsessed with thinking that the sound on my tv does not match up with people's mouths moving.  This one might unspool me for good.

Speaking of The Replacements...

...in case you were worried people in the mid-80's didn't dress funny, here ya go.

You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory

How much of a waste of talent was Johnny Thunders?  He played on the two New York Dolls records and the Heartbreakers' debut (All By Myself was always my slice), and was only 23.  Then he spent the next 16 years giving us nothing, other than You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory.  A shame for a guy whose style would suggest he was the natural torchbearer to Chuck Berry.  Ah well.  I mean, when The Replacements write a song worrying about you doing too much smack, you may have already passed into a "danger zone."

Suspicious Minds

Walking up to my building a few minutes ago, I caught my regular Kam Sing delivery guy at the door, holding a bag of food and obviously waiting for someone else in the building to come down for it.  We caught each other's eye.  I wonder if he felt as awkward as I did.  I simply nodded hello, but I wanted to grab the bag and look for the name and phone number while screaming "Who is he??!?!?  WHO THE FUCK IS HE?!?!?!?!!?!

Xmastime Movie Review

I finally saw The Social Network.  I liked it.  Zuckerberg's smug retorts with the lawyers were a bit TOO cool for school/unbelievable, but Timberlake was intoxicating (duh), and The Beatles Baby, You're a  Rich Man was the perfect ending song for it.  Also, if the illWill biopic ever gets made, Jesse Eisenberg will have a job.

The Boyfriends

I've blathered on and on for years that the Ramones' version of I Need Your Love from Subterranean Jungle shoulda been the buiggest hit ever, but I don't think I've ever posted the original, so here it is.  You're welcome, America.

Michelin Star!

The movie theater in the building next to me has finally opened:

After all our complaints about wanting a movie theater in Williamsburg (in addition to IndieScreen) we can finally rejoice that not only has a theater opened that plays indie first run films, but also serves booze! Nighthawk Cinema officially opens this weekend with showings of Midnight in Paris, The Trip, and Submarine.

“There are tables between every two seats, complete with drinks holders, and you can place written orders from a waiter throughout the flick. The drink list contains options that are themed around movies, while the food options range from homemade beef jerky to watermelon salad. If you don’t want to stay for a show, there is a bar area that is open to the public as well.”

Tickets are $11, and the food is all prepared by Chef Saul Bolton who won a Michelin star for his restaurant Saul on Smith Street.

Dinner, flick, roofie, the ol' hole cut in the bottom of the popcorn box trick and back to my place, all within 90 minutes. Not bad.

I Think We're Alone Now

Sweet Cherry Wine – Tommy James & the Shondells
TJ is another one of those dudes during the bubblegum craze that seemed to show up one day and cranked out about 50 Top 10 hits in an afternoon. There are no bad Tommy James songs. This is my slice, a ridiculously great-sounding cut that belies it’s own message. Like when a hot chick slowly jerks you off while breathing in your ear that she’s got a dick. Well, so I would guess. Cough.  - XMASTIME

I was about to waste the next 20 hours of my day going through the approximately 90000 diner links on THIS PAGE when I noticed the woman had a link at the top of the page for a Tommy James & the Shondells site.  What the - we're a site about diners and oh by the way here's a page about Tommy James? Wtf?

As you know, I loves me some Tommy James, so I checked it out.  While I rankle at her being "horrified" at the thought of James being called bubblegum (which I don't see as an insult, fuck you lady!!!!), I was happy to see someone else blathering about how great Tommy James was. 

Also, it was weird to see the picture of James in 1979 and thinking "jeez, 1979, he was an old, wahsed-up motherfucker," when in reality HE WAS STILL ONLY 32 YEARS OLD!!!  Grrr.  It's like recalling that George Harrison was 26 when The Beatles ended.  Christ.

Anyways, my favorite Tommy James slice has always been Sweet Cherry Wine, so.

Things Mothers Say On TV Mine Never Would

Beverly Hills 90210
Cindy Walsh to Brandon, who's all pissy at her for some reason:

"Please don't be mad at me...I don't think I could handle it."

What my mother would have said:

"If you're gonna sit there and pout, be useful and shuck this corn.  You can cry into the bag if you want."

Line du Jour

John Flaherty to Michael Kay during the Yankees game, joking about his lack of speed as a player:

"Hey, you can't lead the league in doubles if you're hitting triples."

G-A-Y in NYC

The gay marriage thing has been so back and forth and up and down that even with it's passage in New York last night, it's hard to believe it's totally done, a lá Lucy pulling the football away one more time.  As with the Civil Rights movement of the 60's I consider it being an incredibly good thing for everybody, not just gay people.  Oppressing people just because they are who they are has never really worked out great for us.  If we're gonna be a free, open society, it's probably better for us that we're actually a free, open sociaty.

Of course, as a white, heterosexual male it's hard for me to personally relate to any of this, but I think Sully's thoughts HERE are very moving, particularly when you've been reading him so long you completely forget he's been living with HIV for over 2 decades:

All I can say is that the case for marriage seemed obvious to me when Mike Kinsley put my essay for gay marriage on the cover of TNR in 1989, and then it became a vital cause for me when I found out I may not live long enough to see it. I wrote Virtually Normal, assuming it would be the only book I ever wrote. And then God's joke was to allow me to survive, something I interpreted as a mission to make the case and fight the cause for those who had fallen before I had managed to escape.

After I quit running TNR, I spent the rest of the 1990s campaigning for this, among gays and straights. With my friend Joe Landau, I produced an anthology of arguments. I went on any radio or TV show that would have me. I lectured on the issue at countless campuses and book talks. I tried - badly - to raise money. At one point, it was all but two of us - me and Evan Wolfson. But the arguments were so strong, more and more allies arrived, gay and straight, and it was a joy for me to march within the parade, not at the front of it. Others have done so much of the work this decade, and the victory is theirs'. But it is, of course, all of ours', gay and straight, who finally saw what justice means and humanity requires.

I slept twelve hours last night. Something had lifted. And now, I must call my husband, yes, my husband, to check in on the new water heater in our cottage in Ptown.

Also, as someone just old enough to remember a time when thinking "let 'em all fucking die out from AIDS" was de riguer, I'm happy because it gives me a chance to drop in my all-time favorite line re: gay people in the movies, from Boiler Room:

[Trendy Manhattan Restaurant]
GAY MAN: Great outfits, you guys just come from a City Council meeting?  Or you just trying to score with the bridge and tunnel crowd?
STEVE: You know what they should do with you guys?  They should put all of you on a fucking island somewhere.
GAY MAN: Yeah? Well, guess what?
STEVE: What?!
GAY MAN: You're on it!

Man vs. Food

Even tho I've turned my nose up at it at times, I'm always compelled to watch Man vs. Food.  I just stumbled upon a state-by-state list of places he's been to HERE.  I've only been to seven total.  Not very impressive.  But then, I won 2nd place in the 1979 Easter Bunny Coloring Contest and had the game-winning rbi of the 1990 NND Tournament Championship game, so I got nothing to fucking prove to you people.

Fat Mac!

I guess since his wife did it last year, Mac thought it'd be funny to play this season's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as a fat ass, so he gained 50 lbs, and here's the first picture anybody's seen of the New Mac.  I'd say he looks less like he gained 50 lbs and looks more like Tony Soprano.  Either way, it's hard to imagine this won't make IASIP even funnier than it already is.  Awesome.

Paul Simon Hates John Lennon; Internet to Collapse Into Itself and Destroy Earth

I don't know what's more surprising - someone saying out loud they think McCartney was a better songwriter than Lennon, or someone saying out loud that Dylan is a "second tier" songwriter:

"I'd put Gershwin, Berlin and Hank Williams. I'd probably put Paul McCartney in there too. Then I'd have Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart. Then, in the second tier, Lennon is there, Dylan is there, Bob Marley and Stephen Sondheim are there, and maybe I'm there, too. It's about whose songs last."

I'm not saying which Beatle was the better songwriter, that debate will go on as long as the Earth rotates, but I continue to believe Paul has unfairly gotten the raw end of the deal; Lennon as Jeter to Paul's A-Rod.

Mostly, I've always been pissed at how because he got shot, he became a martyr, while Paul became the "pussy Beatle", a "lightweight fop." In a lot of people's eyes. John IS the Beatles, which is totally ridiculous. Paul could have a tendency to get a bit mawkish at times (one song about your sheepdog is one too many, Paul), but he also CRANKED plenty - witness his bone-shivering cover of "Long Tall Sally", or his heavy metal "Helter Skelter." On the very same day he recorded "Yesterday", Paul also ran through his Little Richardesque number "I'm Down", so don't tell me he's a pussy (twas his 23rd birthday, and he ALSO recorded "I've Just Seen a Face" - quite a fucking day. jesus.) John and Paul were both great because of each other. Yes, John probably helped Paul steer from his sentimental show tune side sometimes, but Paul also kept John from completely going off the deep end too eary with his "artsy primal scream feeling songs" - or, as I call them, "crap." So everyone, drop the Lennon is the Jesus Beatle and Paul sucked nonsense.

"I said, 'YOUR ASS IS FUCKING AWESOME!!'"

BREAKING NEWS: Republicans Like Fags!

On a more serious note, we should all feel part of a win for all of humanity tonight.

Sounds Plausible.

Sniffy, Something About a Mule, Fire, Etc.

Haley Barbour, doing his best Buford Pusser to show possible voters he's as dumb as they are (as Baby Jesus, Jesus' lovable, scrappy sidekick, says, "book-learning is for fucking queers!"), says of Sarah Palin:

“She can raise enough money to burn a wet mule,” as Barbour put it to reporters at a GOP conference last weekend in New Orleans.

Hmm. What's that cost, a book of matches?  Yes, it might take the ENTIRE book of matches and a coupla singles to catch fire, but still, not an impressive amount of money. 

But stupid people like to be pandered to, so I'm sure they're eating it up with a spoon.

Left-wing Freedom-Hating Liberal Bias Asks if Incredibly Dumb Senator is Dumb, Baby Jesus Flips Out "Lemme at them fuckin' queers!!!!"

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

Although it's (very) arguable, the case could be made that, like RFK being more interesting than JFK or A-Rod is WAY more interesting than Jeter, Apollo 8 was more interesting than Apollo 11 (NO chance - thanks to Neil Armstrong!)

8 will always lose to 11, but it should at least be up for debate.

Glen Campbell

Has Alzheimers:

Over the years, Campbell has sold over 45 million albums, racked up 81 top ten hits, including "Wichita Lineman," and hosted his own TV show. He was also a part of Phil Spector's Wrecking Crew studio team and has played on records by the Monkees and Frank Sinatra and performed on the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.

Immediacy

I didn't watch Obama's speech tonight; I'm assuming it's part bullshit on "withdrawing troops"  and part "investing in America!" bullshit which, from what we can tell so far, means investing in zillionaires via tax breaks and loopholes. Obama can't sell free healthcare or really, REALLY fast trains, so excuse me while I roll my eyes at some "primetime speech.".

Yes, I know that his pragmatism (which is why I voted for him, and will again) will have me applauding with wonder in 2014, but remember, Camelot was 1961, not 1994-2003.   At some point, exceptionalism is worth it.

Teenage Head

Thanks to GodIHateYourOasis I tried to listen to his favorite song from Oasis front-man Liam's new band Beady Eye, but I could only get through about 15 seconds without thinking IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS BAND, but not nearly as good. So.

Sigh. Like Fucking Clockwork.

Earlier I mentioned the Yankees winning with their "C" lineup, and now they've laid this turd with their "A" lineup.

Grrr.

Well. What Took So Long?

For someone who claims to be so wary of the Lamestream media, Sniffy Wiffy sure spends a lot of her time talking about it, as with her Facebook post re: she's not quitting her bus tour, since she...say it with me...has jury duty.

Hmm.

Cough.

Of course, if my aunt can be so concerned about jury duty, who's to say an ex-governor and vice presidential candidate shouldn't be?  Rules are rules, dammit!

Xmastime TV Axiom

If a reality show is based on a husband and wife, at some point the husband will decide he wants to renew their wedding vows.

Percentage of Americans who renew their wedding vows: 3%
Percentage of that 3% that is made up of couples on tv reality shows: 95%

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

4) Sometimes I wonder if I use things 100% wrong, the complete opposite of the way every other person does it. What if I stand in the shower wrong? For all I know everyone else stands sideways, or on one foot. Maybe the inventor of the toilet is looking down on me, horrified that I’m somehow not doing it correctly. Although I guess my college girlfriend would’ve told me; god knows she’d follow me in the can every time I had to release a small child. Wanna chat, have a big talk all of a sudden. “For fuck’s sake” I’d yell at her, “get out; I don’t even wanna be here for this!!!” Fucking hell. - XMASTIME

I think that if the opportunity ever arose, I'd make a great husband.  I actually wouldn't mind being married right now.  But I have no desire to shit with the door open, which, from my understanding, is what marriage is all about.

"I got an A in that."

Because I rather incredibly have even less of a life than you people imagine, I just noticed that tonight's episode of Family Ties on the Hub at 8:30 is the all-time classic, 'A', My Name is Alex.

It can be a bit cheesy in that 80's "very special episode!" way, but it has some of the best lines ever, including the ones I pointed out here a while back.  Awesome.

The Frustration of Baseball

The Yankees are playing two in Cincinnatti today, and to rest some of his starters for the game this afternoon Girardi used a lineup with an infield that included Pena and Nunez at 3B/SS and Jorge OPosada at 1B.  Of course, they won 4-2.

Tonight's game has A-Rod and Teixeira back in the lineup, which means if they fucking pull one of these I'm going fucking bananas on your asses, and I don't mean in the sexy way.

"Heeeeey guys!  Let's fuck!"

Drudge Report Uses Scary-Looking Graph to Show That the DOW Dropped about 15 Points Today. "OMG!! TIME TO SHIT OURSELVES!! OBAMA SUUUUUCKS!!!"

Xmastime Quiz

Which one of these conversations have I NOT had over the past 24 hours?

1) Does fucking a girl in the ass make a dude gay?
2) If you're a guy, would you rather make out with a guy or let him blow you?
3) Why does uncertainty play a larger role in Post-Keynesian economics than New Keynesian economics?
4) Whats the difference between "tossing the salad" and giving a rim job?

No Shit. I'm Sure the Captain of the Titanic Would Rather Have Talked About Titties.

Tree Falls in Forest, Nobody Gives a Shit

Apparently Sniffy Wiffy has quit her bus tour.  While it's no surprise she's quit something, it is a surprise that the thing was still happening.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who assumed she wrapped it up a few weeks ago, when her every move stopped being reported like she was The Beatles if Jesus had joined the band. I guess the Lamestream media got bored with chasing her around, which I'm fairly certain is the real reason she said "fuck it" and went back to Alaska, where she can focus on trying to use Bristol's pretending to have been raped to sell books. 

Of course, I don't know Sniffenstein personally, so I'll assume she quit over her frustration of all the media's attention being focused on her and not the everyday, noble Americans she was pretending to give a shit about.

Religion

She rudely adds that “it’s a wonder you can talk at all...living in this house and all its Shaker ways. You’d get better than a D in English if you were a fearing Baptist.” At these words, Robert’s heart almost stops beating. He has heard about the Baptists, who “put you in water to see how holy you were. . .If you didn’t come up, you got dead and your mortal soul went to Hell. But if you did come up, it was even worse. You had to be a Baptist.” - A Day No Pigs Would Die

 Two years ago HERE I worried about the Catholic Church going soft, but a visit to a Baptist Church down home this weekend reconfirmed that the Baptists lead the league when it comes to silliness in religion, as in Facebook being brought up not once, but several times during the "service."  I mean, come the fuck on.  Mentioning Facebook made the maniac self-congratulation ("I acted just like Jesus!") and the ol' "let's kill 20 minutes by having the kids come up to the altar and wait for them to say something cute!" look like a Midnight Mass in Latin.  Fucking hell.

Happy Birfday!

Today is my buddy Michael's birthday, and yes, you're right to assume that's Michael as in Michael of The Chinn Dome. Enjoy!

Ryan Dunne

I'm hearing a lot of outrage about Roger Ebert's tweet following this dude's death, but none about the fact that after drinking at a bar he got behind the wheel, resulting in not only his own death but that of his passenger.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

I've noticed this little gem going around on Facebook:

My curfew was the porch light. My mom called my name not my cell. I played outside with friends, not online. If I didn't eat what was cooked for dinner I didn't eat. Sanitizer didn't exist. But you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap. I rode a bike without a helmet, getting dirty was ok, & neighbors LOVED YOU as much as your parents did. Re-post if you drank water from a garden hose and survived!!

Gee.  How quaint.  How old-school.  I'd also add "We didn't post gay shit on Facebook on something called a 'computer.'"

The Movies of John Hughes

RANKED HERE.

While I like Uncle Buck getting so much love, to rank Mr. Mom and Planes Trains & Automobiles so low is fucking insane. And to list European Vacation ahead of Vacation?  What?  Weird Science is better than Vacation?  In what fucking universe?

Now I'm getting upset.  Why do I even look at these fucking things?

Slice du Jour

Xmastime Emergency TV Alert!

Bill Burr on Comedy Central OnDemand!

Today In America

Was Salmon P. Chase the George Costanza of Lincoln's Cabinet?

The drunken interns at guerrotype accidentally typing something not stupid about William Seward in Team of Rivals reminds me that the most despicable person attached to Lincoln (not including McClellan, the Lebron James of the Civil War) was Salmon Chase.  First of all, don't let yourself be named after a fish.  Come the fuck on already.  But even more annoying than his cattiness behind Lincoln's back and whining and mewling for the presidency was his (which Doris points out with absolute relish) pulling the 'ol "well, I'd just be in the way, I should stay here" pussy move instead of running straight to Lincoln's bedside as he lay dying.  Classic move (and SOOOO Xmastime!)