Has the Food Network....

...become MTV?

It's all reality shows, it's all gonzo "what will they eat!?!?" stuff. The original music is lost.

Xmastime True Confession Time

30 years later, I have my doubts that Randy & Julie made it over the long haul. Hey, just saying.

Burgers! Burgers!

Here, for some reason, are the 15 best burgers from Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

My favorite:

One of the most outrageous and comforting burgers Guy has come across, this all-beef patty is topped with a generous helping of homemade four-cheese macaroni and cheese (cheddar, American, Pecorino Romano and Parmesan) — and bacon.

My least favorite:

One of Guy's biggest bites ever, this burger features two beef patties topped with grilled onions and peppers, bacon, mushrooms and a load of barbecue sauce.

Fucking disgusting. I'd rather eat that fucking beet slider nonsense.

They Got Me. I'm Not Made of Stone, People!!!!

Kid's born with no legs below the knees, grows up worshiping the great Bo Jackson, whose hip surgery inspires him to become a Paralympian, goes on the Arsenio Hall Show and ohmygosh just fast-forward to the three-minute mark already I can't fucking take this.

Pope Francis: How Much DOES He Hate Freedom, Jesus, and Jesus's, Scrappy, Lovable Sidekick, Baby Jesus?

Like anyone who doesn't think Jesus would come back and immediately join The Tea Party while raising an AK-47 above his head shouting "from my cold, dead, well, again, I guess, hands!", I'm  a big fan of the new Pope. But he's starting to become a bit TOO good to be true, no? I mean, how do you go from Pope Red Shoes Made Out Gold whose confirmation name was "Fuck Poor Losers" to this:

 Some people continue to defend trickle-down theories which assume that economic growth, encouraged by a free market, will inevitably succeed in bringing about greater justice and inclusiveness in the world. This opinion, which has never been confirmed by the facts, expresses a crude and naïve trust in the goodness of those wielding economic power and in the sacralized workings of the prevailing economic system. Meanwhile, the excluded are still waiting. 

GAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!!!!! Lisbeth I'm coming, this is the big one!!

Totally Depressing du Jour

November 26. Not Thanksgiving yet. And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is on.

Sigh.

"Rudolph in the house, motherfuckers!"

Well. Guess This is Beatles Night.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand – The Beatles The single greatest 2 minutes of pure excitement there is. Sound and movement so great it covers up that the words are kinda dumb and repeat three times. Nothing’s better than being at a bar when this comes on, it JUMPS out of the speakers and whether they even know it or not everyone’s dancing in their own way to it as they drink/talk/hit on me.   - XMASTIME

Dude HERE tries to hate on I Wanna Hold Your Hand, but just comes away correctly pointing out that 1963 was an amazing year for pop music:

It was a good single, obviously, but why does it merit a 50th anniversary commemoration while other songs from 1963 sit uncelebrated on oldies playlists or nostalgia compilations? It was, in fact, an amazing year for pop music, especially for female artists plumbing the contradictions and complexities of adolescent sexual politics. The Crystals had huge hits with “Da Doo Ron Ron,” the rapturous “And Then He Kissed Me” and the frighteningly frank “He Hit Me (It Felt Like a Kiss).” With its familiar drum intro (BOOM! BOOM-BOOM!), chattery castanets and cinematic strings, the Ronettes’ “Be My Baby” remains a towering monument to love and devotion and truly one of the best pop songs of that or any other decade. Sure, “Be My Baby” and so many other girl-group hits are tarnished by their association with superproducer/megalomaniac/murderer Phil Spector, but Ronnie Spector conveys so much poise and dignity that she owns the song utterly and completely. By contrast, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” sounds like the work of cavemen defining pop music as a vehicle for white male desire.

Also in 1963, the Beach Boys released their third album, “Surfer Girl,” which includes the hit single “In My Room.” While they had made a name as a surf pop band singing about surfboards, hot rods and girls in bikinis, “In My Room” underscored the immense melancholy that informed their music and revealed singer/writer/producer/mastermind Brian Wilson as a deeply isolated and lonely individual. The song simultaneously punctured and reinforced the band’s beach mythos, hinting at more “teenage symphonies to God” to come. In April 1963, Johnny Cash — a lifer like the Beach Boys and the Beatles — released what many proclaim to be not only his best tune but the greatest country song ever recorded. Inspired by his love for June Carter, “Ring of Fire” may be the very foundation for the Man in Black mythology that has persisted well into the 21st century, the consecration of Cash as a sinner redeemed by a good woman.

Why aren’t these and other worthy songs (the Kingsmen’s “Louie Louie,” Skeeter Davis’ “The End of the World,” Rufus Thomas’ dada dance hit “Walking the Dog”) given the same attention and affection already afforded the Beatles each year? It can’t be pure nostalgia, as each generation routinely discovers the band at some point in its adolescence.

Then he goes on to say the song should be dismissed because The Beatles became even more amazing.

More Jean Shepherd & The Beatles

Him talking about their time together on his radio show HERE.

Mind blown.

Worlds Colliding

Ralphie from A Christmas Story...went on to hang out with The Beatles during an early tour:

"But they all find it difficult to make any real contact with anybody outside of their immediate circle. And vice versa. As they appear unreal to their maniacal fams, so their fans appear to them, And an incessant infestation of interviewers has erected a wall of hackneyed wisecracks and ghostwritten ripostes between them and the press. So getting to know the Beatles, and to draw them out, was a discouraging task at first. I traveled and lived with them for three days before the first crack appeared in the invisable shield that surrounds them. Paul suddenly asked me about my cold - which I had been nursing since my arrival - and I knew that real life had reared its unexpected head.

Scroll down for his "interview" with them for Playboy:

PLAYBOY: "We've heard it said that when you first went to America you were doubtful that you'd make it over there."
JOHN: "That's true. We didn't think we were going to make it at all. It was only Brian telling us we were gonna make it. Brian Epstein our manager, and George Harrison."

11/24/63

I saw Dr. Bob McClelland talking on C-SPAN today. He worked on JFK, Oswald, and, a few years later, Abraham Zapruder, who was dying of cancer.

I've read my share of JFK books, but I must say that this week is the first time I've heard a doctor say that if Oswald hadn't twisted his body when he saw Ruby's gun, he would have survived. Whack.

John Hughes Superslice

As you fans well know, I love love love Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Here's 23 REASONS PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES IS THE BEST THANKSGIVING MOVIE EVER.

3. Because “YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!” is still the funniest phrase of all time.


And don't forget my superslice Dutch is (technically) a Thanksgiving movie.

Here's me and The Short Bus recreating one of the greatest moments in film. You're welcome.

50 Years Ago Today

Well. This is Sad.

Aaron Carter is broke. I have a soft spot for him, since his family's dopey reality show was an early Xmastime's hit.

More JFK/Beatles

With the Beatles was released on that day. And five years later to the day, The White Album.

What are my 14 songs if I could make The White Album a single album, you ask?
Well. Don't mind if I do:

Back In The U.S.S.R.
Dear Prudence
Birthday
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Sexy Sadie
Happiness Is A Warm Gun
I'm So Tired
Piggies
Rocky Raccoon
Don't Pass Me By
Mother Nature's Son
Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey
Helter Skelter
Good Night

The Beatles & JFK

Of course the connection between JFK and The Beatles has always been strong, whether it's the idea that their coming to America just over 2 months later allowed Americans to start thawing out and healing or if it's that they were announced to America by Mike Wallace...2 hours before the assassination, therein leaving the scoop to be forgotten completely. Of course Walter Cronkite re-aired the report a few weeks later.

But it's also just occurred to me that both JFK and John Lennon were killed with bullets that, were it not for a few inches, could've also killed their wives. Interesting.

Fascinating Pic du Jour

From here:

No one in his right mind wants to return to the days when, on any given Sunday, a football fan could only watch one game at a time (if that!) on the tube. And yet . . . isn't there something slightly appealing — something wonderfully, sleazily romantic — about the notion of driving to a discreet little motel; setting up director's chairs on some inexpertly shoveled asphalt; lugging the old black & white outside; and watching a game beneath a forbidding, overcast sky before retiring to a warm bed with over-starched sheets and the requisite rickety headboard, the adamant knocking of which will keep the grinning neighbors up deep into the night?

Oh look - they're watching one of my high school football games.

Too Much $crillah Make a Bloggah Wannah Hollah

This guy lists 5 Signs the Rich Have Too Much Money:

2) You can get a $5,000 hamburger for lunch. The Fleur de Lys restaurant in Las Vegas at Mandalay Bay offers the “Fleurburger 5000″ for $5,000. The burger consists of a Kobe beef patty “topped with a rich truffle sauce and served on a brioche truffle bun. And this burger comes with its own beverage, a bottle of 1990 Chateau Petrus that is served in Ichendorf Brunello stemware that you get to keep.”

Yes, I know you're worried since it's been more than 7 minutes since I last linked to myself:

2) I think a good barometer of how much money we misspend in this country is the fact that toilet paper has different colors and patterns. What is this for? You know there’s some companies whose sole job is to spend millions on figuring out the market etc “people like blue”. What the fuck. I mean, is there anything else we have ever created that has a more ignominious ending as a piece of toilet paper? You spend your life in the dark, rolled up tight with the other guys, and then the second you finally see the light of day BAM!!! You’re being scraped against someone’s asshole having shit smeared on you. The bottom line is always the same, yet for some reason we’re compelled to have different colors/patterns etc. “I’ll spend the extra 20 cents a roll if there’s sailboats on my tp.” Camon.

11/22/63

 2) I just stumbled upon the fact that CS Lewis died on November 22, 1963. Seems like that would be a bad day to die. Here he is a pretty famous dude, and I'm sure with JFK dying that day you could find some press about Lewis' death hidden in the fucking JUMBLE the next day. Reminds me of Darby Crash, the singer for the Germs, who decided he was gonna kill himself, thinking it'd get a ton of press. Of course he happens to do it the day John Lennon gets shot. Boy. There's bad timing, then there's BAD timing. I perversely like to make it worse by thinking that just as he was about to kill himself, he glanced at the tv and thought "hey...why are they talking about John Lennon? oh well" BLAM!! But hey. That’s me. - XMASTIME

SULLY mentions the fact that CS Lewis & Aldous Huxley both also died on that day.

Vaughn Meader

(reprinted from HERE)

I had never heard of him before today, but Vaughn Meader was a comedian during the early 60's who became famous for impersonating President Kennedy, winning a Grammy for the best comedy album.  He instantly became famous, traveled all over the country doing his Kennedy shtick and made a ton of fucking money.  His album The First Family sold 7.5 million albums, which was more than ANY album had sold at that point.  He was the toast of the nation, and even President Kennedy got a kick out of him:

Kennedy himself was said to have given copies of the album as Christmas gifts, and once greeted a Democratic National Committee group by saying, "Vaughn Meader was busy tonight, so I came myself."

Of course, the moment JFK got shot in Dallas, Meader's career tragically ended as well.  No matter what he tried, nobody in show business would touch him with a ten-foot pole.  Just like Kennedy himself, Maeder flashed like a comet and then was gone:

...his career died, at the very moment a bullet struck down Kennedy in Dallas. "That was it," Meader remembers. "One year, November to November. Then boom. It was all over." 

However, I wouldn't bother to remember or care about Meader at all were it not for an incredible line from Lenny Bruce the night JFK got shot.  The Lenny story probably is  may be apocryphal, but I don't really care since it's such a great, brave line:

According to several sources, avant-garde standup comedian Lenny Bruce went on with his November 22 nightclub show as scheduled. Just hours after Kennedy's death, Bruce walked onstage, stood silently for several moments, then said sadly, "Poor Vaughn Meader."

Presidential Assassinations

Are HERE pointing out the paucity of presidential assassins these days.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you write about that years ago??!?!?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful readers, yes, I did:

Another way my generation sucks is our lack of quality assassinations. Look at the generations before us - you had the Golden Era of Assassinations, the 1960s, that had it all: JFK, MLK, and, just to show how badass they were, another Kennedy with RFK. Maybe you have to be monogram-ly friendly to be considered an assassination candidate? Then they got Sadat, they at least tried to get Reagan and they rotated on a weekly basis who got to try to pop Ford. Fucking hell. AND, just to show nobody was safe they blew five holes in the world's biggest rock star who was of all things a peace-loving hippy. Who the fuck do we have on our resume? A coupla rappers plugging each other? That's it? Come the fuck on.

The Cos. Still the Greatest.

I've been replaying his look after saying "the Queen" like it was a GIF. Dying.

Bill Cosby...Far From Finished
Get More: Jokes,Jokes of the Day,Funny Jokes

Long Live The Pistol

My lust for ladies with "equine" faces has long been documented, as well as my recent interest in a young lady who looks like a turtle. But now I really hafta start questioning my taste, as I just fell in love with a girl through the window of a bagel store, and was not swayed even upon noting that the celebrity I would say she most resembles would be Pete Maravich. What the fuck. - XMASTIME

His kid gave me one of my favorite moments ever on this blog, and here's Pete Maravich giving the fans at Alabama the double-bird, presumably after dumping about 59 on them. From Deadspin.

This Is Probably the First Time Obama Wished He Really Was from Kenya

Via.

DT and the Fucking Shakes

There She Goes Again. Better cover than R.E.M.?

Bush is Back!

George W. Bush has been great on Leno tonight. He's a natural, very likable. Much better talk show guest than president. Meanwhile, Leno keeps asking about his parents. Which reminds me of this:

It just occurred to me...barring anything happening in the next few months, will George W. Bush be the first president to leave office with both of his parents alive? I've done the research back to Hoover; I'm too lazy to go further. Without checking further, we're already close to a century back in time. And with people's life expectancy being smaller as we go back, I would guess the odds of parents living that long would be slim, though not impossible. Kennedy would've been the best bet, but he didn't survive his own presidency, so he's disqualified.

Bush has always had a lack of gravitas; could this, along with his ever-present certitude, be in line with him knowing that at the end of the day, mommy and daddy would be waiting for him with milk and cookies, waiting to tell him how "special" he was?

I'm not a psychoanalysist...to be honest, I don't even know if that's a word. But I do wonder if there is a connection. Can a man presiding over such a serious office do so while wrapped in the soft, comforting blanket of his own parents?

I Must Say

I'm pretty surprised Garry Trudeau was born in 1948. Would not have guessed he's (still) that young.

Lonely, I Guess That's Where I'm From

Interesting answer HERE to the question "What is the furthest one human being has ever been from every other living person?"

I'd always thought the answer was Michael Collins - in particular, this still blows my mind:

As for Collins, a little while back a picture circulated the ‘net (shown at the top of this post). It shows the Lunar Module carrying Aldrin and Armstrong returning to orbit, about to rendezvous with the Command Module carrying Collins.

You’ve probably seen it; I have looked at this picture countless times. But it still startled me when I saw the caption someone had dreamed up for it: “Michael Collins is the only human being, living or dead, not in the frame of this picture.”

Nikki Giovanni Alert

Nikki Giovanni's on the most recent Tavis Smiley, be on the lookout.

Previous Xmastime love HERE.

Children's Show I'm in Danger of Getting Hooked On

Upstairs Downstairs Bears

A show based on an old BBC programme (yes, spelling it like that DOES make me better than you) featuring early bears with English accents dressed in early 20th century garb? I mean, for fuck's sake. Talk about scratching me where I itch. My new Jakers!

Mike Lisk is a Fucking Star

Longtime Xmastime buddy Mike Lisk (Bayonne Mike, to you older fans) gets the star treatment!

Lisk, who started out as a listener, became involved with the show eight years ago, after he got into an online debate about Dinosaur Jr. with Scharpling, who invited him to duke it out in the studio. He soon became the show’s call-screener, and after a couple of years, Scharpling “created me as a character,” he says, by telling stories about Lisk (“most of them untrue”) and leading to more air time for him. (A turning point was when he gave Scharpling a copy of Werner Herzog’s Stroszek, which became fodder for the show.)

You can listen to the two podcast I did with Mike over on the right, in the XMASTIME CLASSICS section. Which hasn't expanded since these podcasts. Hmm.

Warning: NSFW. Probably not safe for home, ether.

Well, This is Awesome

Histagrams!

"Fuck It, We Can't Tell the Difference Either."

Via Long John Silver's website. Also: not my proudest Google moment of the day. Hmm.

I'm an Enigma, Wrapped in a riddle, Wrapped in Toughskins

I love tuna salad, but I hate "real" tuna. Meanwhile, I love chicken, but I do not care for chicken salad.

I like steak sauce...but not on steak. I like it on scrambled eggs.


For fuck's sake, I am such a whirling dervish of enigma, I'm starting wonder if even I can possibly know what a mystery I am.

Words of Love

A coupla years ago HERE I remarked how amazing the version of Words of Love The Beatles recorded for Beatles for Sale was. Now here's a live version from their just-released Live at the BBC, Vol II.

I haven't gotten it yet, but based on this it's surely (shocker!) amazing. I remember getting Vol 1. right before going on Spring Break senior year and driving everybody nuts by playing it over and over on the entire ride down to Florida.

Ah, Spring Break. Sigh.

LOVE BARGE – Big Dipper
Super-slice. Period. Just occurred to me, is this band named after Wilt Chamberlain? Wasn’t that one of his nicknames? Interestingly enough, Wilt and I do have one thing in common. He famously slept with 20,000 women, and I famously pissed the mattress at Spring Break ’95, after which while we were out the maid put the mattress outside our door to “air out”, ensuring that every single hot, horny chick down in Fla for some cheap, anonymous fucking would know who Piss-Boy was and make sure he would spend the night in his room, alone, watching the NBA playoffs instead of hittin some skins. Jesus, where does Wilt stop and I begin? Bizarre.

Video via HERE.

Revenge Of the Nerds: Will This Shit Stop Already?

"What happened to being cool?" - David Bielanko

Here's some dork's 1,097-word humblebrag "gee, I wish I'd known being so brilliant would one day be cool."

Oh, fuck you. Nerd.

I Would Like to Talk to Yooooooooooooou

Apparently The Short Bus has become obsessed with Bill Cosby, and, I must say, I'm bursting with pride.

"Pride? Really? Or is it sausage gravy, you fat fuck?!!?!?!!!!!!"

Wal-Mart Sucks. Duh.

Henry Ford famously paid his workers enough so that they could afford a, ta-da! Ford.
Wal-Mart's kind of doing the same thing, by asking people to give charity to their workers so that they don't have to pay them even just a little more, even if it would mean they'd more thean likely just turn around and spend it on Wal-Mart shit.

Unbelievable.

Nothing enrages me more than when I see an actual sign in a restaurant reminding us that their workers depend on tips. I'm okay with the tacit transaction we're all accustomed to re: tipping, but to flat out say "hey asshole, you pay them so I don't have to" is fucking outrageous.

Trivia du Jour

The pitcher who beat Cy Young in Cy's last-ever start?

Babe Ruth.

Beat that, fuckers.

Quote du Jour

A girl dreams about a bad boy who is good only for her. A boy wants a good girl, who is only bad for him.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you write about the diiference between men & women years ago??!?!?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful readers, yes, I did:

 5) I think the difference between men and women is that if a woman thinks her man is cheating on her, she pictures him being in love, having intimate conversations with the other woman and them forming a bond of friendship and intimacy that she can’t be a part of, while if a guy thinks his girl is cheating he pictures her on a dogleash getting ass-fucked by the dude while his friends take pictures and slap her face with their 9-inch cocks as she laffs about your “wee-wee.”

Comments, Margins, Etc

I assume these comments a professor wrote in the margins of a dude's college paper are fake, since it includes things like:

• Can you remove the number from the rugby shirt you sometimes wear? It might help you socially.

Much funnier than the comments a professor wrote in mine:

Title? (I guess I didn't write a title. Which, I must admit, is odd.)

I can't see where you did much work on this.

You say (repetitively and wordily*) this is important, but you don't show it.

No.

No.

Is this a joke?

Misplaced modifier.

I find this very disappointing.

* in my defense - if she's gonna bust me for being repetitive, does she hafta add "wordily"? Isn't that repetitive? 

Dudes Day

Welcome to Dudes Day, motherscratchers! Watty, Husky & Xmastime. No chicks - or, as Husky says, "no bitches!" #evenourwaiterwasadude,ugh

Three orders of a dozen wings? Don't mind if we do. Husky declared he'd eat 20 all by himself, and damned if he didn't come close by eating less than half of one. #weareunstoppable

Chicken tenders and mozzarella sticks? Goddam right, that's how we do it in Glover Park, ie The Gangstah GP. #ithinktheoneblackdudetherewasCarltonBanks

Here's classy man-about-town Smithy McSmitherson enjoying a spirited libation.

After all, with all the effort that goes into growing a comical mustache, a fella deserves a drink. #helloladies

A Dudes Day rite of passage: we told Husky how babies are made.

Here comes the upchucking. Not on the 'stache, Husky, not on the 'stache!!!!!

Here it is dawning on him heeeeeeeeey, so THAT'S what Mom and Dad do when they disappear for those 45 seconds every third Tuesday night of every other month.

Shooting stick. Cause that's what dudes do. Here I am putting on a clinic. This is how the kid learns.

Here's Husky calling his shot. The onions on this kid! Love it!

 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's a whiff. What an idiot.

Why Wouldn't

...Apollo 11 have become our own Jesus Christ? Isn't going to the Moon more impressive than anything Jesus supposedly ever did?

Yeah, he pretended to turn some water into wine...supposedly...according to 0 A.D. media....guess what? We went to the fucking Moon.

And every fucking second of it is recorded. It actually happened. Unlike the Bible, which we have to believe 2000 years ago, that a coupla guys wrote, we have every moment of this actually happening on tape. Live.

Why is that not more impressive? Why is Jesus a bigger deal than our going to the Moon?

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I'm not the only person wondering what the hell happened to Winona Ryder, right?

In the Shadow of the Moon is On Right Now

(reprinted from HERE back in 2010)

The other day I mentioned the incredible doc Failure is Not an Option, the Apollo program as seen though the eyes of the freakishly smart Mission Control. I'd say that In the Shadow of the Moon is the perfect companion piece, as it's the same years but as told by (and ONLY by) the living Apollo astronauts who walked on the moon (except Neil Armstrong of course, which is no surprise to us.)

It's a stunning combination of

1) footage from NASA not seen for 30+ years (including below, from a camera inside part of the Saturn V falling back to Earth)
2) inside-baseball talk from the astronauts as the events were unfolding (including Buzz Aldrin pausing to take a piss before stepping on the moon), all of them still in awe of the Saturn V rocket that got them to the moon, and each realistic re: how worried they were about shit not going right.
3) incredibly intimate philosophical reflections about mankind and the Earth ("We learned a lot about the Moon, but what we really learned was about the Earth. The fact that just from the distance of the Moon, you can put your thumb up, and you can hide the Earth behind your thumb. Everything that you have ever known, your loved ones, your business, the problems of the Earth itself, all behind your thumb. And how insignificant we really all are") after having been on the Moon.

See the whole thing yourself, starting HERE. The subtitles are a little annoying, but it's a British doc and a lot of the astronauts had Southern accents, so.

Xmastime Confessions

I'm ashamed to admit that after all these decades of being an ALF fan, I only just now considered the fact re: how much Alf and his nemesis Mrs. Ochmonek look alike. Presumably intentionally.

I Have a Feeling the Name "Max McGee" Will Come Up a Lot This Week On NYC Sports Radio

More JFK

The band took the stage, most of them wearing black. Springsteen went to the mike. "If it wasn't for John Lennon," he said, "a lot of us would be in some place much different tonight. It's a hard world that makes you live with a lot of things that are unlivable. And it's hard to come out here and play tonight, but there's nothing else to do." The day after Lennon was killed.

Fascinating bit HERE on the Boston Symphony orchestra announcing JFK's assassination, and then playing Beethoven.

Still Kills Me

I've Noticed...

... ...that if you're playing a character on tv that's an aloof "bad-ass" your answering machine message is always "Hey, it's _______, you know the drill."

Of course, that's back in the dark ages of answering machines. Well, and characters on tv.

Mickey D's

I'm not surprised this happened in America. I am, however surprised it happened in Manhattan.

Questions. I Have Them.

Just like it's always porn "star", why is it always "professional" model?

State du Moi

People make fun of me because I seem to be the only person left on the planet who likes wood paneling. So I can only imagine what they'd think if they knew I just saw this and thought "yeah, what the fuck DID ever happen to barrel furniture?!!?" with zero irony.

Now This IS Unreal

In totally shocking news, LeBron James' 9 year-old son is a somewhat substantially better basketball player than his fellow 9 year-old peers:

"Bronny went for 25-8-8 tonight. He getting better and better. Couple euro steps looking like @dwyanewadeand what I like most is his unselfishness #HeGotNext#StriveForGreatness"

Wait, what - 8 assists? What the - who the fuck is he passing to? What other 9 year olds could this kid even remotely consider passing to? I agree with 'Bron, that IS unselfish.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

Based on the high number of inefficiently laid-out stairs, whoever built the Fawlty Towers set must've failed out of architecture school. Or, rather, school.

112263

Is it terrible that the continuous assassination coverage in the background has become oddly comforting?

Rich Man, Poor Man

Tommy: Channel 38's showing Rich Man, Poor Man - all 12 parts.   
Paul: No shit? 
Tommy: Back to back.   
Paul:  Holy shit. Fuck! Fuck! 364 nights a year I do dick. The one night I decide to go out...You gotta tape it for me.   
Tommy: Can't do it.
Paul: Why not?   
Tommy:  You can't tape Rich Man, Poor Man. You gotta watch it with the  commercials just like everybody else.   
Paul: That's a good point.   
Tommy:  Falcon Eddie.   
Paul:  Man, was there ever a more terrifying  screen villain than Falcon Eddie?   
Tommy:  Nope.     
Paul: You're gonna watch it?
Tommy: Yep.   
Paul: All 12 parts?
Tommy: Back to back.   
Paul:  Shit. It's a tough call. You're a bastard.   
Tommy:  Yep.   
Paul:  Oh, shit...   

As you know I've seen Beautiful Girls a zillion times, but I don't think it's ever occurred to me that Rich Man, Poor Man was a real thing. And yet here I am, in the middle of a 12-hour marathon of it. I've come in on like the 9th episode, but yes, it's oddly intoxicating.

 

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

For some reason, I found myself fascinated during the summer of 1987 by Oliver North's testimony on the Iran/Contra affair. I stared at the screen for hours. I was glued to it. And yet it's hard to believe that I even quasi-remotely had any idea what the hell they were talking about.

Interesting.

It's interesting that LBJ was only 9 years older than JFK, and yet looked like he could've been his father. At least. Meanwhile, JFK was the one riddled by disease and overwhelmed with pain.

TV Alert Update: America Might Suck

I just noticed that while it's on the Discovery Channel and Science Chennel simultaneously, it was actually produced by the BBC.

Wtf? Just like the dude from England being the only person to think "hey, why don't I try to find Neil fucking Armstrong?", why is it always the Brits beating us to these things about our space program?

Grrr.

EMERGENCY XMASTIME TV ALERT

I was lucky enough to stumble on this when it was starting. Repeats again at midnight if you miss it.

Wonder if they'll mention Barbara Morgan?

Ramblin' Bout The Ramones

Yesterday HERE I wondered why Do You Remember Rock 'n Roll Radio wasn't a huge hit, and Xmastime buddy The Rambler said something I think is true:

Because FM radio never recognized that The Ramones were a lot closer to the Beatles than they were to the Sex Pistols. The Ramones wrote great pop songs.

The Ramones themselves thought they were doing bubblegum when they started. I mean, for fuck's sake:

Joey Ramone: "I hate to blow the mystique, but at the time we really liked bubblegum music, and we really liked the Bay City Rollers. Their song 'Saturday Night' had a great chant in it, so we wanted a song with a chant in it: 'Hey! Ho! Let's Go!'. 'Blitzkrieg Bop' was our 'Saturday Night'."

Swann's Way, A Century Later

SULLY points out that this week is the 100-year anniversaire of the publishing of Swann's Way. As you already know it's my superslice.

Sully also passes along this letter from Proust to his grandfather after a disappointing trip to a brothel:

I so needed to see if a woman could stop my awful masturbation habit that Papa gave me 10 francs to go to a brothel. But first, in my agitation, I broke a chamber pot: 3 francs; then, still agitated, I was unable to screw. So here I am, back to square one, waiting more and more as hours pass for 10 francs to relieve myself, plus 3 francs for the pot. But I dare not ask Papa for more money so soon and so I hoped you could come to my aid in a circumstance which, as you know, is not merely exceptional but also unique. It cannot happen twice in one lifetime that a person is too flustered to screw.

I had a similar experience with my own grandfather. Well, not anywhere near anything as weird as that, but hey:

Every Groundhog Day I'm reminded of my grandfather, as this was his birthday. My favorite memory of him is when I was in 3rd grade, he was down visiting, and he drove me into town. We ended up at Peoples Drugstore, I don't know what he was buying, but we were standing in line and my young buck eyes landed on...PLAYBOY!!!!! Instinctively my little horny mitts grabbed it and started peeping into it, lost in my own world. After what seemed like an hour but what I'm sure was actually 12 seconds I realized what I was doing, looked up and...Grandpa was watching me. Oh shit, I thought. He's gonna take me into the parking lot and bury me under the asphalt. I slipped the mag back and awaited for the end of my all-too-brief life when I looked up at him and...he winked, laughed and said "dont worry, I wont tell your father."

Big Backs

There's a high school running back that's 6'4" 400lbs. And yes, he should remind you of Harold Corbin.

Xmastime TV Review: Killing Kennedy

Of course, first you hafta forget you're watching something based on a Bill O'Reilly book. Killing Lincoln, Killing Kennedy, next is Killing Jesus; I look forward to his Killing Tupac and Killing Biggie.

First, Rob Lowe was of course faboo. Looked the part, he's a great mimic so he sounded the part, and did a great job of subtly expressing the back pain without being over the top obvious. But the point is, he was barely in it, especially in the second hour. And the Lee Harvey Oswald stuff was so much more interesting, I wonder why not make the entire thing about him anyways. Particularly since the first 10 minutes was a cringe-inducing cramming-in of every JFK checkpoint you're supposed to know.

(Movie begins)
"Congrats on winning the presidency, Jack."
"Thanks Bobby. Shoulda been Joe, though."
"You've been watching that Johnny Cash movie again, Jack."
"Well, thanks to Dad for buying this, anyways."
"You sure do fuck a lot of chicks, Jack."

And on and on.

And whoever was Jackie doesn't hold a candle to Katie Holmes. AND, of course, there will only be one Bobby Kennedy for me: Roger Maris.

"Is Billy Crystal ever going to call me again?"

An Open Letter to Key & Peele

It's not that the between-sketch banter isn't sometimes funny, it's just get to the goddam sketch already.

Which One of These Doesn't Belong?

Yeeeeaaah...one of these LITERALLY killed thousands of people.

For the Millionth Time

Someone needs to explain to me why the wasn't the biggest song ever.

Umm....Why?

Hubble Bubble

Shit we see more and more every day from the Hubble telescope is both amazing and scary; here it is revealing how our Universe looked 11 billion years ago.

Interesting from the comments section:

This makes me wonder if somewhere, there's a galaxy, or set of galaxies, with just the right alignment and right amount of gravitational lensing for the light of our galaxy to bend and curve back to us, so that we can directly observe our past? 

Theoretically, someone in the distant future could grab some popcorn and a chair and watch the entirety of the human race play out like a YouTube video.

Great Xmastime Quotes, I

GOP Presidential debate live-blogging:

9:07pm  T-Paw says God is in the Preamble to the Minnesota Constitution.  "That's the only fucking place you'll find me in Minnesota," God mumbles.

Tis' the Season

College basketball is upon us, which means of course that it's time for me to start bitching & moaning about hiw it's not like it was when I was growing up, during the Golden Age of the ACC.

The five best ACC players I saw play (on tv):
Ralph Sampson (here's my defense for his oddly-needed redemption)
Len Bias
Kenny Anderson
Christian Laettner
Johnny Dawkins

I came after the oddly-forgotten David Thompson.

And of course my favorite will always be Jeff Lamp.

Can We Just Go Ahead

And change "November" to "Zapruder" already?

Christ. They Got Me.

I'm not made of stone, people.

1988 Movies

Dustin Hoffman's performance was deservedly lavished with praise for being amazing & iconic, but Tom Cruise was amazing in Rain Man too. And drops a million f-bombs, which is also delightful.

Also, along with the classic Midnight Run, that's 2 movies in 1988 that had a scene with a travel companion freaking out and not flying on a plane to go cross-country.

Kitchen Nightmares, Indeed

Here's the situation of the restaurants Gordon Ramsay, my bff of course, visited on his UK show.

Via HERE.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

The Obamacare rollout has been terrible. But then, the South routed the North in the first battle of Bull Run. Some things take time to get right.

Questions. I Have Them.

What's more ridiculous: that after 6 years Leonard still has a chance with Penny, or that Penny still works at the Cheesecake Factory?

Novels.

Article HERE about how we loooooove loooooong novels. A lot of possible reasons are mentioned, but not the simple fact that we don't love long novels per se, but we love the novels that we love to be long BECAUSE we love them. As I wrote years ago:

I know I love Crime and Punishment cause I ripped through 95% of it, and have put off finishing it for two weeks. When I'm reading a book I really love, I get depressed as I near the end; I feel like soon I will be on the outside of the story and characters, not wrapped up warmly with them. I'll procrastinate, find excuses not to finish it, I've gone months at a time ignoring a book as it sits there waiting for me to end it. Like having a hard time putting down a horse that has worked the farm relentlessly for 20 years I guess. I guess I'll end it on the way home today.

However, if a novels sucks  not only don't want it to be long, I simply stop reading it.

Unless, of course, it's for hate-reading.

Kennedy Note

For all the talk about how young JFK was when he died, we seem to have not noticed that Jackie only lived to be 64.

Sigh. Whenever Will the Universe Catch Up to My Brilliance?

As I've said before, Richard Cohen is an incredibly stupid man, but for some reason the Daily News prints whatever re-used mashup of old, tired words he types out on his Smith-Corona.  I'm guessing he has pictures of Mort Zuckerman blowing Raoul, the nighttime stockboy. - XMASTIME

Everyone's calling for Richard Cohen's head today. I guess my question is, what the fuck took so long?

This Is What Happens...

...when the government sticks its nose in our business and wastes our hard-earned money. I mean, REEEally!

"Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man."

I'm watching the latest installment, 56 Up, but I need to really sit down and watch the old British reality show Up Series. 

In 1964, a group of British 7-year-olds were interviewed about their lives and dreams in a groundbreaking television documentary, Seven Up. Since then, in one of the greatest projects in television history, renowned director Michael Apted has returned to film the same subjects every seven years, tracking their ups and downs. POV, which presented the U.S. broadcast premiere of 49 Up in 2007, returns with 56 Up to find the group settling into middle age and surprisingly upbeat. Through marriage and childbirth, poverty and illness, the "kids" have come to terms with both hope and disappointment.

How weird must it be to be one of the kids randomly chosen for this, to be able to see old footage of your life from every 7 years? Can I even imagine watching film of myself in 1979/1986/1993/2000/2007/2014 etc? Unreal. It's like watching the end of The Office.

Watching Oliver Stone's JFK

Another scene in movies I'm declaring a moratorium on is the courtroom scene where as the lawyer (main character) is speaking to the jury (even better if it's his dramatic closing statements), and the door opens and in walks his wife/partner/assistant who in a previous scene had stormed out in a huff, furious at the lawyer for being foolish enough to take the case, yada yada. Lawyer pauses, locks eyes with person, slightly smiles and then goes on talking. Is there a law that a movie featuring a lawyer has to include this scene? Yes, I'm sure this happens in real courtrooms ALL THE TIME. Christ. Never again! Please!

Speaking of The Girl Who

Here's an old video she filmed titled In Which Xmastime Gets Drunk And Opines On Air Conditioning, the most apt title that tells the entire story since Snakes on a Plane.

It's Not a Lie If You Believe It

Longtime Xmastime buddy The Girl Who is now Twitter buddies with George Costanza. Meaning, of course, I'll hafta spend the rest of my life desperately sucking up to her to be her bff, all while screaming "damn you to hell, The Girl Who!!" and shaking my fists at the sky whenever she can't see me.

Holy Crap du Jour

Paul Giamatti passed on the role of Michael Scott?

Things I Learned via Email Today

1) Watty's fucking had it with the new Yahoo (and he is correct)
2) Babkow had never read the always awesome TMQ before.Wtf?
3) Op thinks the Obamacare rollout was somewhat less than satisfactory. (and he is correct)
4) GodIHateYourPostsAboutEmails points out Tom Scharpling coming to the sudden realization that if Adrian Grenier were part of a famous actor's entourage, he would be the group's Johnny Drama. (and he is correct)
5) We're only days away from Lil' Eruption being let off the leash and onto the ice!
6) Antarctica, one of the first bars I went to after moving to NYC and becoming the "Mayor of West Group", where Op & GodIHateWorkingfortheMan worked, is closing. That sucks. They had nights where if your name was _________, you drank for free. Unfortunately for me they never picked "Big Ol' Donkey Dick", so I never drank for free.

Mantle/JFK

Two of the coolest motherfeuckers of the 20th century.

1) thought they'd die young
2) got a CRAZY amount of ass
3) Spent their careers dealing with a crazy amount of pain and medical operations

Horrible Irony du Jour

Like everyone else I've read a ton about JFK throughout my life, but I don't think I've ever read this when it came to is medical trials:

Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy before the president’s medical ailments could. But the evidence suggests that Kennedy’s physical condition contributed to his demise. On November 22, 1963, Kennedy was, as always, wearing a corsetlike back brace as he rode through Dallas. Oswald’s first bullet struck him in the back of the neck. Were it not for the back brace, which held him erect, the second, fatal shot to the head might not have found its mark.

Interesting.

Wait, What?

It takes Jerry Jones about 10 seconds to blubber about making a mistake with Rob Ryan but, after 20 years, he can't admit he was an idiot for letting Jimmy Johnson go? What the fuck?

Incognito - Seriously, Isn't That the Most Ironic Name in a While?

There's not much new I can say about the whole Miami Dolphins fiasco, but I do have a few thoughts:

1) I'm only halfway joking when I say I think the NFL is gleefully making ESPN et al fill the airwaves with this story to distract from the real story, concussion. I mean, Tony Dorsett comes out and admits he's had suicidal thoughts and forgets where he is a lot of the time, and yet it's all non-stop Dolphins shit on tv/radio, 24/7? Really?

2) Maybe it's time to finally say yeah, you know what, white people are probably just better off not using the n-word. No matter what, it's not going to end well. First you hafta talk about the culture you're in, then you find yourself blathering "I've got black friends" and then of course you hafta claim that of all people, you break the world record for NOT being racist, and then, if you're lucky, you get to do a rehab tour and cash in on having "learned your lesson" via a tv/book tour. Hey, wait a minute....

(Note: I "created" this chart, but I'm pretty sure I saw it somewhere else online, perhaps someone can link to it?)

Happy Veteran's Day

Sully points a chart depicting the fact that fewer and fewer politicians served in the military.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you write that about presidential candidates over ive years ago??!?!?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful readers. Yes I did.

Gee, Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Outta The Black Box?!

Dear Some Show Called Bones That I Happened to Walk in On After Coming Back from the Pisser:

It's 2013 (I checked - the episode is new) - isn't a little late for your main character to roll his eyes re: some blogger "living in his parents' basement sitting in his underwear screaming at us his views on the economy"?

I remain,
Xmastime

Happy Birfday Lucy!

Here's my goddaughter yesterday morning on her birthday rocking out to her favorite song, Marah's New York is a Christmas Kind of Town from their awesome Christmas album.

Yes, This Makes Me Better Than You.

There. I Said It.

I've never watched Godfather II from start to finish. So fucking sue me.

There. I Said It.

I prefer Step by Step Suzanne Somers over Three's Company Suzanne Somers. So fucking sue me.

There. I Said It.

I'm sick of reading people pass around Laurie Anderson's Lou Reed obit. So fucking sue me.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

The coffee "you cant order black, it's all frapaccino or vente et al gee whiz, I don't understand grande at Starbucks" riff is our generation's "my parent's can't program the time on the VCR." Congratulations, we did it. Can we move on?

Video Memories

Via THINGS THAT IF I SAW THEM AT YOUR HOUSE I WOULD ASSUME YOU WERE RICH:

A second tv/vcr/cable. Any combination of these, I assumed your dad owned NASA or something. It was always awkward the first time I was over at a friend’s house and he’d say “let’s go watch tv in my room” and I’d instinctively go to the one in the living room, pick it up and start carrying it to his room. Sweet, awkward youth. And a vcr, forget it. Every other kid I knew had a vcr and cable and his parents had the inevitable stash of porn under their bed. My parents had time for each other and the inevitable sense of right and wrong, love and family. Obviously I’m still pissed at their choices. 

So say goodbye to Blockbuster, everybody.

Was there anything more thrilling in high school than getting sent home on account of snow, then "accidentally getting stranded" at your friend's house, then going to the video store to pick out, gasp, any fucking movie you wanted?!?!?!?!

That's right - we couldn't drive through the snow to home or school, but we could make it to the video store.

I have no idea what the store in Tappahannock was even called. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a blockbuster, or a big chain. We just called it "the video store."

There. I Said It.

Never had a fritatta. Not sure I even spelled it right. So fucking sue me.

There. I Said It.

I've never bought a dresser. So fucking sue me.

I Am Calling Bullshit On This

6) Anyone been watching this “I Love Toys” thing on VH1? Apparently the 7 fuckwads they talk to about these things (which also drives me crazy – we gotta listen to the same 7 dipshits over and over about everything –I love the 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, whatever. Jesus Christ. How did this small group become the experts on every item of pop culture of the last 35 years, and are these the only people VH1 knows? VH1 is so lame no one else will answer their calls?) had every single toy that was released in the last 40 years.  “Oh yeah, spirograph…oh wow etch-a-sketch…blah blah blah…” Am I the only kid on the planet whose toy budget every year wasn’t six figures? My brother and I never really had toys, all we really cared about was having a football, basketball and baseball. A day after we got our football I immediately left it next to a heater, so we spent the next ten years playing with a ball that had a huge goiter sticking out of it. And for some reason we built our basketball goal so that instead of ten feet it was eleven feet high; tis prolly why it was so easy for me to play above the rim on other courts. As for baseball, this lead to our highest levels of creativity. We’d be all excited cause we’d get a new ball ($1.49 from White’s Auto), but inevitably it would end up in the cornfield behind our house never to be seen again, and so we'd hafta wait another week or two before our dad would buy us a ball.  In those long stretches between real baseballs we found ourselves inventing games, and there is one in particular that I do remember with gusto. We had an old shed in the backyard, where the batter would stand about 20 feet away while the other one of us pitched. If he hit one over the shed, home run. Hit the top of the shed, triple, then double/single etc. What did we use for a “ball” you ask? Well, a crushed up Coca Cola can of course. Which became a real treat for the person pitching. As the game would go on the can would get more bashed up and by the end your hands are pretty much shredded to bits, blood everywhere. Looking back that seems weird, but at the time I reckon we thought it was normal. - XMASTIME

Apparently, there's something called The Toy Hall of Fame. This year's big winner? The rubber fucking duck. Wonderful. Oh yeah, and "the game of chess", which they for some reason are calling a toy. Never mind that kings and geniuses have played the ultimate game of strategy for centuries, let's lump it in with a  duck that just happily floats around smiling while you blow bubbles in the bathtub right in his stupid face.

SIDE NOTE: the link above features the first ever instance of YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I LOOKED, before it was even formed (#4)