I Hate Mark James

I’ve met plenty of celebs since moving to NYC, but none bigger than Chip Taylor – dude wrote Wild Thing AND Angel of the Morning!!!! How is that fucking possible? - XMASTIME

I just finally put two and two together and realized the guy that wrote Suspicious Minds also wrote Always on My Mind. I mean, just fucking kill me already.

Bye Bye Craig

Craig Ferguson is the King of Late Night TV and to me there isn't even remotely a closed 2nd.  This week he's been replaying his week in France from last year, starting with this musical kickoff.  I have yet to watch it without cracking up every time the alligator and bunny pop up. - XMASTIME

Craig Ferguson announced he's quitting his show at the end of the year, which sucks because his show is great. But what makes it unique is that it's greatness came not in the night-to-night minutiae the way people still talk about falling asleep to Johnny every night, day after boring day, but in his greatest moments: the eulogies to both his mom and his dad, his paternal protection of Britney Spears, his speaking about his alcoholism, and his one-on-one interview with Stephen Frye. I'm sad his show is over, but sadder he never adopted that one-on-one late night show whose promise was shown in that Stephen Frye episode.

Wait, What?

Bill Cosby won three Emmys for I Spy but...WAS NEVER EVEN NOMINATED FOR ONE FOR THE COSBY SHOW?!?!?!?!!?

Awful Prescience

Did Archie Bunker foresee the whole priest diddling kid thing?

"Mass? Mass is some Catlick priest sprinkling incest over everyone."

Dying du Jour

The 31 Most Sarcastic Tings Ever.

Favorite:

Today du Jour

Copywriting: (n) the art of creating copy that can eventually be passed around long enough to find someone who does not like it.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

If Donald Draper married his business partner he'd be Donald Sterling. Hmm.

Well. This is Fucking Depressing.

Via.

"Anything to get out of a day's work", Donald Sterling heard saying with disgust.

Seanzarelli in Da House

In light of this Donald Sterling episode, on a lark I checked in with my old friend Sean Hannity for a few minutes, which can be distilled thusly:

1. Old man said some racist things
2. Most people were offended
3. Therefore, racism in America is over, and
4. Republicans can no longer be accused of racism when they say stupid shit because of this.

Sure. Makes sense to me.

Solution to a Need that Doesn't Exist du Jour

Inside the shell scrambled eggs. Of course.

Not If You Can't Hear It, Professor

VIA.  
10. This tank driving over an entire roll of bubble wrap will go down as the most satisfying thing ever:

Thanks But No Thanks, Guy

40 Years of Not Solving the Shit

The Rubik's Cube, which was probably THE toy of my youth...would love to remember what knockoff version I got...turns 40 this year, and of course since it's 2014 the thing's website itself takes out all the fun by showing you exactly how to do it. For fuck's sake, just like all Lego's coming with step-by-step instructions on putting shit together. Grrrrr.

One memory I have is on the bus kids bragging how many side's they'd figured out and some kid being pushed to the ecstatic heights of bragging that he'd solved...five of the sides.  Hmm.

I'm Going to Hell

For thinking a great Curb Your Enthusiasm episode could be kicked off by Larry watching 12 Years a Slave and being very unimpressed:

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah....JUST the 12 years? Really?"

WWJD? Sarah Palin Knows!

Yesterday Sully remarked on the absolutely abhorrent line Sniffy Wiffy read in one of here speeches that she for some reason gets paid to make in 2014:

“Well, if I were in charge …. They would know that waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.”

On one hand, it's silly to even report on this. Palin and her fans have long had an agreement: they buy up tickets by the thousands and she shows up to drop red meat to make them go crazy with blood lust.

But of course the thing is that Palin is yet another hardcore patriot on the Right who cloaks herslf in the warm embrace of Christianity, claiming to be doing what Jesus wants us to do: kick some fucking ass.

Which is ridiculous of course...as this Sully fan pointed out via this Bill Maher video from 2011, the truth is the exact opposite. Which Palin can't seem to understand or give a shit about, but then why would she? Not as long as that $crillah keeps piling in by the ton.

In her defense I will say this: still balls hot. I still wanna see the inevitable Playboy spread, and hopefully sooner than later.

Les Popes

I woke up and watched the canonization of Pope John Paul II and Pope John XIII the other morning because I'm fascinated by such old, ritualized things, like the Royal Wedding for instance. As I don't believe in god or religion I find the notion of people canonizing other people a bit silly, but it can still be an awe-inspiring thing.

But how miffed would you be if you were one of these guys and had to share the day with another Pope? I mean, wtf - I'M A FUCKING SAINT and you're like "fuck it, if we do 'em both together we get a deal on paper plates from Costco"?!!?!?

And I don't wanna be a dick here, but apparently one of the "miracles" Pope John Paul II performed that qualified him for sainthood was to cure a women of Parkinson's...which he eventually died of himself! How can you become a saint for curing someone of a disease you'd later die of yourself? Either he was really determined to get to the big popemobile in the sky, or it turns out he was actually shitty at performing miracles.

But the point is now this: in my lifetime I have seen a Pope, a President (Reagan in 1981 at the Yorktown anniversary), Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen, Gordon Ramsay, and now a Saint...so this canonization just makes myself, incredibly, that much more amazing.

Donald Sterling is Banned for Life from the NBA

How big a muffin basket do you think Clivon Bundy sent to Donald Sterling?  "Thanks buddy! Nobody even remembers my name now! Shew!"

Why the Fuck Did I Wake Up at 4am to Watch the Canonization of John Paul II?

Because of my father, probably.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Aretha made it her own, but let's not forget that it was the amazing Otis Redding who wrote the goddam song.
PLEASE CLICK HERE.

Oh, fuck This Idiot

Is there a more Mrs. Xmastime prototype than Lucinda? Good lord, horse teeth coming out and wrapping themselves around her cougar titties. Lookit them chompers!!!! Jesus. I wore this album out when it came out, not a bad moment on it. Maybe it was even my favorite album of the decade? But sometimes I wonder if I also love it so much cause of the cd cover, which reminds me so much of early nights walking around when I was a boy. “When I was a boy”…like I’m an armadillo now! (mukluks – Billy Crystal, 1985) - XMASTIME

Some dipshit at Salon tries to list the 10 most overrated albums of the 1990s, but immediately discredits himself by including Car Wheels on a Gravel Road...which, even all these years later, IS STILL FUCKING amazing!!!  

Where H8n' Goes to Die

I've always said that a well-done documentary can change how you think about anybody - 2 hours of seeing Hitler's story catches you off guard a little, "you know what, he was  really a nice guy underneath of it all..." etc.

Which is the danger of getting sucked into the Marc Maron podcast rabbit hole. For some reason I started listening to the Jason Reitman one, surely rolling my eyes looking forward to fully hate on some "spoiled legacy hipster brat" and of course after it was done nodding my head "that Jason Reitman is a delightful young man!"

Odds of This Guy Saying "It's Impossible I'm Racist Because My Girlfriend is Chinese" Within the Next 24 Hours Now at 100%

Man Faking Alzheimers All This Time Busted

Once Again, MLK Has Failed.

That makes me sad. See:   :(

If You've Ever Thought "You Know, Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David Did a Great Job Writing Seinfeld, but I Think I Can Do Better"...

...here's your chance. Good luck with aaaaaaaall that.

"Finally! A decent fucking script!!"

My Life

VIA.

OHMYGOD YA'LL!!!!

For two decades I've been telling people that as good a player as Marcus Camby turned out to be, the best player on the 1996 UMass Final Four team was in fact Lou Roe, not Camby. Watching John Calipari on The Charlie Rose Show right now led itself to the usual Wikipedia hunt and it turns out that OHMYGOD Lou Roe and I were born on the exact same day!!!!

By George!

Other than one of my favorite actors playing him in the awesome John Adams series on HBO, I've never really gotten to know a lot about King George III. Reading about him in the beginning of this book, I must say, he sounds pretty amazing. A mix of JFK and Thomas Jefferson, without the adultery of slaves. Pretty sure what I view(ed) him as being has been shaped by the old maxim that history is written by the winners. Fascinating.

Weddings are Fun Unless You're Getting Married

Me, presumably sexily, years ago:

Today it occurred to me that a similar juxtaposition has been happening with the modern wedding - the more inured we've become to the outrageously absurd high costs of a wedding (ie $10k for a cake that nobody really gives a shit about), the higher the divorce rate rises. The more we insist on being made to pay for weddings, the less likely we'll be married as time goes on. Wtf? 

Turns out, however, that of course they don't HAVE to be expensive:

Here is what costs a lot of money: whims. Whims are expensive. Customizing the universe to meet your expectation of perfect, absolute gratification in all things is expensive, which is why only the rich tend to get to do it. This is a tough break for the rest of us. Thankfully, adapting our expectations—or, at least, moderating the quantity and volume of our complaining when those expectations are not met—is pretty cheap. The life of a real person with real-person adversity and real-person responsibilities gives you that one entirely for free.

 Here's a lifetime of Xmastime in weddings. You're welcome, Earth.

Doughnuts for Dummies

Some place in Williamsburg is "letting" you put the creme in your doughnut...and for only $5!

For those who are so over the lamestream process of purchasing and masticating a doughnut, Williamsburg has given you St. Balmain, a cafe that's encouraging its customers to roll up their sleeves and fill their own doughnuts. With a syringe. Yes, just when you think Williamsburg can't get any more Williamsburg, it goes and out-Williamsburgs you all over again! Williamsburg Williamsburg? Williamsburg! 

I have no idea why this would be even remotely appealing to anybody, but it down give me an excuse to post Bill Burr on the subject.

The Plane Truth

Matt Yglesias rants about how absurdly planes are loaded:

Southwest Airlines uses the unassigned seat method: people get on the plane in their order of check in, but they have no assigned seat, and can just sit down wherever they like. Sadly, there is no video for it, but it is the fastest way to board a plane that any airline currently uses.

It works because passengers spend less time waiting in line in the aisle. If there's a line in front of you or someone taking a long time to put their bag in the overhead bin, you have the freedom to just sit down in the row you're standing at currently instead of waiting to get past. In doing so, you're clearing the aisle and making things faster for the people behind you.

Looking for a solution to getting people OFF a plane quicker? You're welcome, Earth:

I would like to introduce a new rule: The 30-Second Rule. When the seatbelt sign goes off, ONLY the people who think they can get their shit and themselves off the plane in 30 seconds are allowed to get out of their seat. That should clear out about ¾ of the plane, leaving the fuckwads who have apparently spent the flight laying out a royal wedding china table setting in the carrier bins to take their sweet time exiting the fucking plane.

NY All-Star World Series of All Time, Yogi is Kinda Screwed

THIS GUY pits the AL NYC (ie, the Yankees) against the NL NYC (Giants/Dodgers/Mets.) He has the Yankees winning in 6 games. The lineups:

 

Mickey's better than the Duke and Mays should be over DiMaggio. But the biggest wtf? to me is Yogi Berra should've been an automatic win even if his fellow catcher was Rosie fucking O'Donnell. Berra is cherished for being a lovable character, which I think has come to overshadow the fact that he was a ridiculously great player. See his stacked plaque: 3-time MVP, 10 rings! 100 RBI 5 times, 4 years in a row - AND he fought at D-Day!

American Hero!

Cliven Bundy is playing the single greatest game of “If you thought what I said YESterday was stupid, wait ‘til you hear this!” I’ve ever seen. Cap doffed, sir!

Thoughts. I Have Them. About the Yankees.

Via HERE:

Michael Pineda has accepted a 10-game suspension. He said he understands that he broke the rules, and this is the punishment. He’ll basically have to miss one start.

How is there no outrage over this being such a joke? One game? Why even say "10 games" with a straight face?

Joe Strummer Lives

Worlds colliding: Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen opened his show in Pittsburgh two nights ago with The Clash's Clampdown.

A few years ago Bruce opened a show with Joe Strummer's Coma Girl:

In the mid-90s, Strummer was asked for his thoughts on Springsteen for a TV project. The answer came in the form of the fax revealed here: "Bruce is great ... if you don't agree with that, you're a pretentious Martian from Venus"! The respect was mutual; Springsteen was quick to pay tribute when Strummer died in December 2002 , describing him as "one of the greatest rockers of all time" .

Speaking of The Replacements...

...here's a quiz to take. of course I got all 10 right, because I, like The Replacements themselves, fucking rock.

The Replacements in the MPLS

The Replacements are playing their first hometown show in over 2 decades this September 13, and here's recordings of the 6 best such shows because ISN'T THE INTERNET FUCKING AMAZING?!?!?

April 23

I forgot to mention that yesterday was Shakepeare's birthday AND the 38th anniversary of the Ramones debut record. Not bad for one date on the calander.

Enjoy the entire album!

YES! Season 2, Motherscratchers!

Eff the Mets!

Here's an interactive map of what baseball team people in every zip code root for, hopefully created solely for the purpose of laughing that even in Queens, people like the Yankees more than the Mets. Ha!

Tearjerkers!

A list of heartbreaking moments on tv.

I'm a sucker for that shit, and remember/care about #1, 6, 8, and 13.

I've posted about that great Family Ties episode HERE.

Coke Can Baseball

Rick Reilly passing down the wisdom he's learned after 324 years as a sportswriter:

The best sports are the ones you invent.

Agreed! Via my memoirs:

The other game we came up with during those years was a game that involved a crushed Coke can as a “ball.” We’d play behind the shed, wherein one of us would pitch the can and the other would try to hit it over the shed for a home run. Hits the roof it’s a triple, over a certain line a double etc etc. Needless to say, after about 18 seconds the “ball” is basically a shredded disc of aluminum. You know what wins in a battle between shredded metal and human skin? Needless to say our hands would be shredded and bloodied almost immediately; also probably needless to say at this point is that of course it wouldn’t stop us from playing for another 3 hours. Though I did have to give up my idea for salt mittens.

Cranky Old White Guy Who Doesn't Believe in the Federal Government Opens His Mouth and Says Exactly What You'd Expect Him to Say

This guy just keeps giving and giving, doesn't he?

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” Bundy said at a news conference on Saturday, recounting how he had seen black people in a public housing project in North Las Vegas. “Because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

Sean Hannity's hero, of course. That sound you hear is the sound of exactly nobody being surprised, even in the slightest.

SUUUUUUUUUPERSLICE!

The JFK Took My Baby Away

We're still in the shadow of Easter, so you super-Catholics may appreciate this video of the prist who administered Last Rites to John F. Kennedy after he was shot.

Curb You

A few years ago I (probably sexily) mused:

During a conversation about great sitcom characters yesterday, I was asked how I could think George Costanza was a better character than Larry David, since David was the "real" George.  I'd never thought about it, but it occurred to me that George was always bubbling with anger and paranoia, about to blow at any moment.  There was always a desperation about George, whereas David, even though he gets people pissed off and gets in shouting matches, can always just shrug it off "fuck it" since he's a gazillionaire and, in spite of his "neurotic Jewishness", has already had a wildly successful life.  I understand some of the shows humor comes from the absurdness of such a guy getting in the situations he does, but, in the end, there's really nothing at stake for Larry.

The Onion AV Club wondered the same thing, kind of:

Here’s something I’ve been wondering: would Curb Your Enthusiasm be as funny as it is if Larry David weren’t an extraordinarily wealthy man? 

If he were a janitor, or even a chemistry teacher, rather than the executive producer of one of the most successful TV shows of all time, would Curb be as great as he is? I doubt it. Part of what makes Larry so hilarious, at least in the context of Curb, is how infinitesimally tiny his problems are; it's the contrast between the volume of his moaning and the scale of the injustices he faces. Larry's enemies are the small-time evildoers of the world, the “pig parkers” and “chat-n’-cutters,” not the drug dealers or human traffickers. The conventional wisdom about comedians is that they are tortured souls who use comedy to cope with the pain of adversity, but Larry David provides solid evidence to the contrary: that extraordinary privilege and material comfort can actually make you pretty funny, too.

Oh, You Right-Wing Nuts!

Money shots:

Bundy stopped paying his federal fees for letting his cattle graze on government-owned land and went as far to say, “I don’t recognize [the] United States government as even existing.” This type of delusional rhetoric is exactly what the Tea Party is about.

Their desire to enact a political revolution is so obsessive they are willing to cling to anyone with a gun who will stand up against the US government. They ignore the fact that Bundy is nothing more than the freeloaders they campaign against, refusing to pay his rent and stealing from the US government by using its land to feed his cattle.

Apparently, a white Tea Party libertarian is a revolutionary, and a group of them are national heroes; yet when police evict a minority family from their home at gunpoint because they failed to make rent, the minorities are freeloaders living off the American citizens tax dollars.

The whole thing is fascinating. I have plenty of right-wing friends, but I'd find it hard to believe any of them would think what he's doing is okay. ESPECIALLY this part:

4. They then declare that the next time the govt comes hard, they're going to put the women up front? What? How is this is any case "the American West", and WHO ARE THESE FUCKING WOMEN THAT WOULD LET THEMSELVES BE PLAYED SO BADLY?!?!?

Did Friends Joey Copy Jerry Seinfeld?

"How you doin?" is probably the most famous catchphrase that came out of Friends, and I just noticed that Jerry used the line years before the start of Friends, in The Chinese Restaurant episode:

(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)
Lorraine: Hello, Jerry!
Jerry: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

Wtf? Has this ever been addressed by anyone?

Place Settings

Whenever I read a book I automatically assign the setting (at least the primary one) to one I already know; for some reason it’s almost always from my childhood. I have no idea why, or if this is how everybody does it. If I read the same book 20 years later, I immediately recapture that scenic setting, no matter what. I may forget the characters, I may have no memory of what the fuck happened; I may swear it was originally in Chinese - but I always have the exact setting in my head.

But apparently I’ve officially run out of places from my youth and am now using the same scenic backgrounds for different books, like theaters do for plays; or cartoons used to for background cells. Cause I read The Metamorphisis a few weeks ago, and now for “The Mark Halling Loves Soft Rock Music Reading Club” I’m reading Crime and Punishment and they both take place in the same room - my childhood neighbor Shelly’s bedroom. Wtf?

I'd add the boarding house near the beginning of An American Tragedy to this setting as well - the one where Clyde sets up his foot locker, and then the street lights under which he walks to meet his lady friend for a late night rendezvous always play out in my head at the same house as above. Whack.

Thoughts. I Have Them

Why is is "mofo"? Shouldn't it be "mofu"?  - XMASTIME

Apparently, "BOGO" is now a thing. Which annoys me - the phrase is buy one get one free, so why isn't is BOGOF? Fucking hell.

Killers Can Be Sexy Too, You Know

I still say this should be a movie, and a funny one at that.  A mix of Monty Python and the Holy Grail (the British Union soldier who keeps volunteering to take Booth on one-on-one, oh by the way he had also cut his own nuts off), and the Simpsons (Spongehead Bob as Booth, Homer as his doofus companion Herold.) The shit writes itself; including the ongoing joke that no matter how gruesome a scene one is describing, or how much they claim Booth is the devil himself for what he's done to the country, nobody can go too far without off-handedly remarking how incredibly handsome he was. ("The flames whipped around Booth as I setting my sight on him a final time, preparing to end this 12-day national nightmare...I closed one eye and focused on his face...which was, I must say, pleasant to look at...luminescent, really...") - XMASTIME on the great, GREAT Manhunt. (the BOOK, people, the book.)

 Upon startirg to re-read Crime and Punishment I came upon this line:

He was, by the way, exceptionally handsome, above the average in height, slim, well-built, with beautiful dark eyes and dark blond hair.

I don't know if I remember why Dostoevsky found it so important to from out of nowhere poke you in the arm "and oh, by the way, he's a fucking dreamboat!"

Also don't know why this guy then played him in the movie.

It Ain't No Sin to Be Glad You're Alive

I wonder if we'd all feel better about life if each and every day, we wrote down the dates that would be on our tombstones if we died on that day. I think seeing it in print makes us more hopeful to see another day, n'est-pas?

Pizza Hut Urban Decay Landscape Porn

Makes me think of my high school girlfriend - we'd go to Pizza Hut, where we'd order breadsticks for an appetizer. I'd be Mr. Cool Guy and insist on letting her eat all the sticks she wanted (this was before PH came out with the good ones; back then they were like fucking pretzel sticks. ugh.) By the time the pizza comes, she's stuffed! All the pie I could eat, sitting there for me. Course the joke's on me -I gained 100 pounds, sleep with a teddy bear who's a right-wing fanatic while she's happily married. Ah well. Speaking of Pizza Hut, who's the fucking wizard that came up with that fucking dessert pizza I'd always see at the buffet? You gotta be kidding me. Every time I'd go up for seconds/thirds/nineteenths/ I'd hafta wait for the real pizzas to come out while this fucking thing sat there. There's no way they didn't just trot out the same one every week, too. "oooooh, pizza....hmmm...I'm thinking jam with cinnamon icing! yum!" fuck you. Is this really what the Chinese were thinking of when they invented pizza? camon. - XMASTIME

Anyways, here's a collection of places that used to be a Pizza Hut, in case you wanted to be super-depressed tonight.

Squirrels, Traveling Etc.

A squirrel ran onto the field of a baseball game, and the announcers couldn't stop talking about it.

Reminds me that this is an excuse to lazily re-post myself  of The Greatest Walk of Allllllll Time:

If 20 years ago YouTube had existed, my "Greatest Walk of all Time" vs. Lancaster would've made me a bigger star than Chocolate Rain.  Featured quotes from the play by play announcer on the radio:

"Oh my god!"

"Talk about a walk in the park, eh Bob?"

"I've seen players get rattled before, but wow."

(5 minutes later, after a commercial)

"Boy, how bout that walk by Wilson?"  "Unbelievable, Jerry. Wow."

(10 minutes later. Still shaking their heads.)

"Wilson thought it was still football season!"

"I mean, that had to be the greatest walk of all time, right Bobby?"

Wait What?

Apparently PBS has had some digitals studio thing forever, which I only stumbled upon today. Here's an interview with all-time Xmastime Hall of Famer Carol Burnett from 2003. You're welcome, Earth.

Toast!

Via a few years ago:

I wanna open the (presumably) first restaurant centered around simple buttered white toast.  I wanna become the Peter Lugers of buttered white toast. 

My dream has been usurped...KIND OF:

"Artisanal" toast is made from inch-thick, snow-white or grainy slices, lathered in butter and cinnamon or peanut butter and honey, then wrapped individually in wax paper.

Of course I only allow butter on my toast, making me a purist ie better than this restaurant.

MUKLUKS: Fashion Herald!

Throwback Tuesday: Three Years Ago Today

Sunday Morning Sippy Cup Club!

Quesitons. I Have Them.

One year ago today, I posted this:

Writers from the hit TV series “Mad Men” are working on a potential TV series that would focus on the space program of the 1960s and the journalists who covered it. The working title of the program is “Cocoa Beach.” If it comes to fruition, the series could debut as early as this fall.

Is this still fucking happening or not?

Easter Sucks, III

But at least I looked amazing with my brown clip-on tie!

Easter Sucks, II

(orinally posted 2007, like everything funny I ever wrote)

As Easter morning while in the company of a bona-fide septuagenarian super-Catholic who was born and raised in Ireland is not the time or place to take a stand re: not believing in God or religion, Sunday morning I gamely accompanied Brothatime!! and his wife/kid/mother-in-law to Mass. I go to Mass maybe once a year; at this point I amuse myself by seeing how much I still have memorized. Which is a disturbingly high amount, it turns out.

Anyways I was standing there while it was going on, whatevs whatevs whatevs, and a part comes when the priest asks us to renew our Baptism vows. I did't remember the first time, so I poked my ears up a bit, and heard a long stream about rejecting sin. And the Devil. And....The Prince of Darkness.

Wha? The Prince of Darkness? When did this happen - doesn't that sound kind of silly, coming from a Catholic Ritual Mass standpoint? "Devil" or "Satan" seems goofy enough - now we got some evil guy running around town in tights and a cape? THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS!! MWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

For fuck's sake.

Also while sitting there I came up with the idea of sending people certificates announcing that their soul will be saved and sent to heaven for only $100,000. What the hell, right? I mean, you send something like that out to enough people, and SOMEbody will fucking buy it. And anyone nutty enough to do it is probably old, rich and eccentric; grateful to ship me $100k to save their soul. But then I started thinking of the legality of it, wondering if I could claim such a thing, how wrong it might be to do...of course, then I saw the ol' basket being passed around (TWICE), and I was reminded that that's what the fucking church does in the first place. Show up at church, give some money, and the church will see you go to heaven. I mean, did we learn nothing from when Dalton was looking for a place to stay upon hitting town to clean up the Double Duece?

Emmett: It ain't the money ya understand, but if I don't charge ya somethin' the Presbyterians around here are likely to pray for my ruination. How does a hundred dollars a month strike ya?
Dalton: Fine.
Emmett: Can ya afford that much?
Dalton: If it keeps you in the good graces of the church.
Emmett: Ain't it peculiar how money seems to do that very thing?

So fuck it, I'm gonna do this. I figure if I make one sale, then between the cost of a sheet of paper, toner ink and a stamp, my profits will be $99,999.53. Not too shabby.

Also, is there anything sadder than the whitest Catholic Church in the world trying to sing? Wow. And they made things worse by 1) instead of a simple organ they had a mini-orchestra, complete with a "conductor," and 2) insisting on singing as many verses as possible of each song. What the fuck? 3 seconds in I was able to realize "hey, this kinda blows." How have these people been doing this for years without realizing it? I guess it's like a girl I dated for two years who had no idea her bush was more like a forest and her pussy stank. She had no idea, until as we were breaking up and I whispered "and by the way, your pussy stinks." Right? And somebody needs to explain what a conductor does to me. Especially in a REAL orchestra - here you have the greatest trained musicians in the world, who have worn their fingers to the bone practicing for decades. They know the piece by heart. And they can read music anyways if the need. Yet they're supposed to be watching some dude jumping up and down "ME! ME! ME!" while practicing his cursive letters in the air with a magic wand? Really?

A good weekend, even while having to attend church. Happy Easter!

Easter Sucks, I

(reprinted pretty much every fucking Easter)

First of all, Easter reminds me that I'm still looking to start my "Save Your Soul!" business.

But seriously, Easter sucks.  First of all, it's a real signal of the onset of Spring, which means Summer's right around the corner and I'll be boiling in my own sweat, crying.  When I was a kid it seemed like we went to Mass every day that week, which meant I wore my 600% polyester tan "suit" with a brown clip-on about five fucking times, and then the "piéce de resistence!" was lining up Easter morning the same as we did Christmas morning, getting all wound up "ooooh, did the Easter Bunny come??!?" only to find out that yes, he had, but instead of leaving toys or anything remotely fun or useful, he left a basket with candy in it.  Wow.  Thanks asshole; how long do I hafta pretend I give a shit before I can throw the crap out?  Ugh.

And why is Easter on Sunday?  If Jesus died on a Friday and then rose from the dead three days later, wouldn't that be a Monday?  Or did the Church for once in their lives make a good decision, saying "that would mean we'd hafta go to Mass on Sunday and then AGAIN on Monday, so fuck it"?  Why not just make it Good Thursday, and go from there?  Did "super-ripped dude with a smokin' body nailed to a cross" just have an end-of-the-week "feel" to it?

And of course Jesus' friends turned on him.  Can you imagine the shit they were getting from their mothers?  "Weeeellllll, I hear Mary Christ's boy is healing lepers and turning water into wine; what the hell are you doing?  Weren't you going to be a chiropodist?  I'm very disappointed in you.  Why can't you be more like that Jesus?"  My mother would drive me crazy whining "why can't you do better in Trigonometry, like your friend Robert?"  He wasn't even the son of god, and it was fucking maddening to hear.

"Really. I spend 3 months introducing USD certificates of deposit into London as the first new negotiable instrument in the market since 1888, and this motherfucker brings me...a bunch of fucking candy. Hmm."

DC5

I thought I had a handle on how big The Dave Clark Five was, but in watching the PBS speical on them even I'm surprised by how MANY of the hits I heard a thousand times listening to Extra 104 as a kid were in fact The Dave Clark Five.

On a side note, the last song The Ramones ever played live was a Dave Clark Five song.

Credit Where Credit's Due

Of course Larry Bird stealing the ball from Isiah is one of the NBA's greatest playoff moments, but I've always felt that Dennis Johnson making the layup is overlooked. Yes Bird's steal is more incredulous, but it's not like DJ had an open layup/dunk, he had to put a bit of reverse finger-roll on that shit with a body on him. And yet nobody ever mentions him, only Bird.

(Apologies for the fucking needless music tacked on below. Wtf?)

Easter Sucks

One of the few things I do like about Easter is watching the uber-technicolor viewing of Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments:

According to Hollywood lore, while filming the orgy sequence that precedes Moses' descent from Mount Horeb with the two stone tablets of the Ten Commandments engraved, Cecil B. DeMille was perched on top of a ladder delivering his customarily long-winded directions through a megaphone to the hundreds of extras involved in the scene. After droning on to the extras for several minutes, DeMille was distracted by one young woman who was talking to another woman standing next to her. DeMille stopped his speech and directed everyone's attention to the young woman. "Here," DeMille said, "we have a young woman whose conversation with her friend is apparently more important than listening to her instructions from her director while we are all engaged in making motion picture history. Perhaps the young woman would care to enlighten us all, and tell us what the devil is so important that it cannot wait until after we make this shot." After a moment, of silence and temporary fright, she spoke up and boldly confessed, "I was just saying to my friend, 'I wonder when that bald-headed old son of a bitch is gonna call 'Lunch!'" DeMille stared at her for a moment, paused, then lifted his megaphone and shouted, "Lunch!"

Ha!

Vending Machines

Turns out you can get some weird shit out of them these days:

1. Caviar: YES
With three locations in L.A., Beverly Hills Caviar (@gourmetfood) is one of the fancier items you can get from a vending machine. The selection ranges from Spicy Black American Caviar ($25 per ounce) to Imperial River Beluga ($500 per ounce). And who doesn't want to walk around the Westfield Mall with $1,000 worth of caviar?  

Sniff sniff... brings back memories of my old vending machine at work, which was oddly great...maybe too great, which led to this old gem: First of all, yes I know I'm asking for trouble by having spent three years at this job and knowing that if I don't bring lunch from home I'm at the mercy of the vending machines, since there's no place to walk to within miles of the office.  So yes, off the bat, we can all agree I'm an idiot to begin with, and accept responsibility.  So a while ago I'm fucking starving, and since of course I didn't eat breakfast I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to have whatever the machines are willing to spit out at me, and after a few spins I see that the only thing even REMOTELY palatable is a fucking cheeseburger.  That's right, that most classy item of the vending foods family, the cheeseburger in a plastic wrapper.  Even I'M disgusted by the mere thought of it, but I'm desperate, so fuck it I buy it and throw it in the microwave, punch in 50 seconds - you know, the standard time for  lighting a dead bird on fire and eating it   flame-grilling a juicy sirloin burger with imported Wisconsin cheese - and stand next to it to wait. Innnnnnnnnn walks My Office Crush.  I freeze like a deer in headlights, praying she doesn't come near the microwave and see what I'm "cooking," which of course means she walks right over to it and stands, patiently waiting for my plastic wrapper of turds to slightly warm up so she can heat up the half-cup of whole wheat penne pasta she'd thoughtfully brought from home.  She said hi to me and I said hi back, all the while using a Jedi mind trick to convey that whatever was in the microwave wasn't mine, but was someone else's, most likely the girl sitting quietly at a nearby table eating her salad while reading.  I started fussing with the coffee machine, and of course within seconds the microwave bell DING!ed.  I acted like I hadn't heard it, nor had a reason to; I stalled by walking over to the vending machine for chips, furrowing my brow while deciding which flavor of sensible baked chips to choose from; out of the corner of my eye I could see My Office Crush looking around and wondering who the fuck had left something in the microwave cooking and simply walked out of the café.  Just when I could tell she was gonna give up and take my "burger" out to set aside so "whoever had left it" could come back and get it, therein letting her cook her shit and get the fuck outta there so I can snatch up my ..."burger,"  juuuuuust as she's reaching to open the door and I'm finally about to exhale, the girl at the table nonchalantly looks up from her book and loudly says to me "your food's ready." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Long story short, I now have to pull this fucking thing that mostly closely resembles a baby's full diaper out of the microwave about two feet in front of My Office Crush, with her disgust surely briefly distracted by wondering if it was possible I was a grown man who didn't understand what it means when a bell goes off and the light goes out on a microwave.  Great.  So now she knows I'm disgusting on the outside, about to be disgusting on the inside, AND a fucking idiot.  Great.  The Hat Trick of Repulsiveness.  Which I don't even know is a fucking word, to be honest with you. Sigh.  Me.  I'm really happening, aren't I?

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Robert E. Lee led an army in a war against the United States. Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. And Lee jeans will never touch Levis. If it wasn't for Stan Lee, I'd wonder if the name "Lee" was jinxed in America.

More Love Actually

I can never decide whether I actually like Love Actually or just like hate-watching it, but this review of it it awesome. Here's my 5 favorite lines:

This old French woman shows up at Chateau de Firth and is like, "Here, I found you a lady. I'm literally giving you this lady." Score! Free lady! The lady is named Aurelia and she only speaks Portuguese, and so does her entire family, apparently, even though all of them live in France. 

Hugh Grant plays the role of "horny prime minister," which raises the question: What percentage of Americans believe that Hugh Grant literally is the prime minister and/or boy king of the UK? I'll bet you the number is not zero, and that is why we should all probably eat poison.

Back at Hugh Grant's office, where Hugh Grant does his man-politics, Hugh Grant is like, "Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?" Then Natalie walks in with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit....Her. That woman. That's what you have to screw.

Liam Neeson and Jojen Reed relax and watch Titanic to regroup, because that's something middle aged men and little kids do together. Jojen is still totally stumped about the best way to force Joanna to love him against her will. I mean, he's tried everything. He tried staring at her, he tried never ever talking to her, he tried complaining to his dad, he tried watching Titanic...seriously, what is it going to TAKE, Joanna!?

Once the truth gets sorted out, fat daughter says: "Father is about to sell Aurelia as a slave to this Englishman." FIRST SENSIBLE LINE ANYONE'S SAID FOR THIS ENTIRE MOVIE.

More Love Actually

I don't think I've ever been more thrilled for a guy to get so lucky with the ladies in a movie as I am whenever I see this scene. I almost high-five the damn screen.

I Am the Queen of the World!!!!!!!!!

From some reason I'm watching Love Actually, and I just saw this scene in which the little kid is distraught, telling his dad that the girl he's in love with will be leaving:

Sam: Joanna's going back to America.
Daniel: Your girl's American?
Sam: Yes, she's American. And she's not my girl. And she's going back to America. That's the end of my life as I know it.
Daniel: That is bad news. Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now. Come on.

Cut to them watching what is apparently their go-to movie, Titanic. Hmm.

Good news, kid - if you're that into Titanic, I have a feeling that in a while, you won't miss girls. At all.

The Real America

HERE"S A LIST of The 10 Most Powerful Female Book Characters. I really don't know why they left off Ma Joad; bitch kept a full family fed with piano wire and skillet grease while riding a tuna can across the goddam country. Oh well. A woman's work is never enough, I suppose. - XMASTIME

Today's right-wing culture tries to tell us that "we need to give more $$ to the uber-wealthy and let all the poor people hurry up and just fucking die already" is the real virtue of America, but one man thinks there's a perfect choice for our next president: Ma Joad:

President Ma Joad wouldn’t cut food stamps. She wouldn’t deny education to immigrant children. She wouldn’t trim funds for the homeless. She would remind each American that lending a hand to those at the bottom is a quality of the species, Homo sapiens.

She would fire up the country with collective energy, too. “Maybe if we was all mad in the same way,” Ma offers to Tom when he first comes home. Ma’s notion of the American spirit would hardly be inherited privilege or wealth or capitalist fervor; as she puts it: “If you’re in trouble or hurt or need — go to poor people. They’re the only ones that’ll help — the only ones.” Pulling together is the Joad way, pure American democracy.

"Sean Hannity said what? Get that little shit on the blower. Now."

Happy Record Store Day

Personally, while I grew up with and love vinyl, I could give a shit about whether or not a song is delivered via vinyl or mp3 UNLESS it's a Ramones or Phil Spector song - to me, the Wall of Sound was made for vinyl, and the rest is just jerkoffs trying to make sure you know they're better music fans than you. Believe me, unless the Wall of Sound is involved, you're not missing anything on your earbuds. - XMASTIME

Matt Yglesias, in the still-oddly confusing to look at Ezra Klein website Vox, agrees:

Each format has its charms, and their overall differences in quality are often overwhelmed by differences in the quality of initial recording equipment, in mastering approaches, and in playback setup. But if you're a vinyl collector, you also shouldn't go around telling your friends how much purer your audio is. First off, that's generally dickish behavior, but more to the point it's false. Digital recording just is more accurate. That's not the only thing worth considering by any means, but it does make the puritanism of some vinyl true believers look rather ridiculous.

And of course there's the Michael Jordan of music snob record store dickheads, Jack Black!

Faaaaaaaaaaaaagz!

I stumbled upon this Bill Maher bit from 20 years ago: http://youtu.be/8-chbRF8z-c?t=30m42s

And it's exactly (albeit with more judgement, it being the mid-90s) what I wrote back in 2006:

5) And while I’m thinking about gay sex, how come we have so readily accepted prison sex? We think of a prison we shrug our shoulders and think ah well, dudes fucking dudes, it’s just the situation they’re in. What is this? These dudes can’t beat off like normal people? Hey, let me tell you something, I’ve gone some LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG stretches without getting laid, and at no point did I start thinking about fucking guys. How does this happen so quickly in prison? Granted, I haven’t taken a shower with 50 dudes in a while, but still. I think maybe part of the male machismo says that we have to prove ourselves as pussyhounds AT ALL COSTS; ie we have to make it look like we’re freaking out over not fucking chicks, that we’re such studs that we’re simply not used to not getting laid every day, and that transcends our not being, you know…attracted to the thought of having a dick in our mouth. Just a theory. I mean come on, you’re in prison cause you held up a 7-11 with a water pistol to get money for some Air Jordans, am I REALLY supposed to believe that on the outside you had a constant stream of amazing trim? Camon. Just once I’d like to hear about prisoners talking like this:

a. Prisoner A: hey Jerry, how long you been here now?
b. Prisoner B: fricking 10 months.
c. Prisoner A: oh man, 10 months with no pussy? Damn!
d. Prisoner B: you know, it hasn’t been a big deal. I jerk off 6 times a day, just like back home. Hey, you done reading that?

Addicted du Jour

I'm addicted, addicted, addicted to BRAND EATING. This guy has apparently tried every inch of fast food out there. He's not even a harsh critic, but just the fact it's all laid out there for my food porn. Jesus.

A typical line, re: McDonald's sausage biscuit:

The sausage is a just bit on the salty side and could use another note of flavor, maybe some more pepper or some garlic.  Still, it's a cheap, simple breakfast for when you're not asking for much.
Read more at http://www.brandeating.com/2010/01/review-mcdonalds-sausage-biscuit.html#EkD4F8i19Dzd0Pf3.99

Still, it's a cheap, simple breakfast for when you're not asking for much.

I'd probably get it again for the one or two times a year that I just want a greasy sausage biscuit.  Anymore than that and I think I'd get sick.
Read more at http://www.brandeating.com/2010/01/review-mcdonalds-sausage-biscuit.html#98sFXs5Qmd4EiwE5.99

The sausage is a just bit on the salty side and could use another note of flavor, maybe some more pepper or some garlic. Still, it's a cheap, simple breakfast for when you're not asking for much.

Easy restaurant-by-restaurant food-by-food breakdown HERE.

The sausage is a just bit on the salty side and could use another note of flavor, maybe some more pepper or some garlic.  Still, it's a cheap, simple breakfast for when you're not asking for much.
Read more at http://www.brandeating.com/2010/01/review-mcdonalds-sausage-biscuit.html#EkD4F8i19Dzd0Pf3.99

Still, it's a cheap, simple breakfast for when you're not asking for much.

I'd probably get it again for the one or two times a year that I just want a greasy sausage biscuit.  Anymore than that and I think I'd get sick.
Read more at http://www.brandeating.com/2010/01/review-mcdonalds-sausage-biscuit.html#98sFXs5Qmd4EiwE5.99

Xmastime Classixxx, Steve Sanders Edition

Beverly Hills 90210 always astounds, as I reviewed with Drunken Dater a few weeks ago. Though I think it might have topped even itself with this line just now:

(Chinese waiter comes to table with Rush Sanders, Steve Sanders, and whats her face, Steve's wife.)
Rush: I'll have a water and chopsticks, please.

Gotdam. Water. Dude must be the single greatest chopsticks user in the world.

Sigh. MEMORIES!

Questions. I Have Them.

However misguided, if during the first season you'd have asked me who would be the most upset about MLK being shot, I can't in good faith say I would've chosen Pete Campbell. - XMASTIME

I believe I speak for everybody when I say that beginning with the series premiere 7 years ago, there's no way I'd have guessed that one day Pete Campbell would greet Don's handshake with a hug.- XMASTIME

By the end of Beverly Hills 90210, Steve Sanders had gone from the sleazeball douche nobody liked to the only character I could stand. Is Pete Campbell the new Steve Sanders?

Happy Friday, People. You've Earned This.

One Push Away...

...for all my dreams to come true!!!  PUSH HIM!!!!!!

Ranching Ain't EZ But It's Necessary

I'm not 100% sure I even understand this whole Nevada rancher thing, but from what I think I know:

1. "Rancher" uses government land and doesn't pay any fees or taxes for over 2 decades
2. When (finally?) confronted by the US Govt, his friends take up arms. Literally.
3. The govt backs down, doesn't wanna see people killed over this.
4. They then declare that the next time the govt comes hard, they're going to put the women up front? What? How is this is any case "the American West", and WHO ARE THESE FUCKING WOMEN THAT WOULD LET THEMSELVES BE PLAYED SO BADLY?!?!?

So, anyways....I'm scared of the government coming after me if I tear a tag off a mattress. Why is it so hard to arrest this douchebag and throw him behind bars?

Bundy is using the language of freedom, patriotism and outright paranoia to further his business interests. He succeeded wildly in drawing other “patriots” to his slice of contested desert. I don’t know these exact people, but the words and phrases they used were the nursery rhymes of my childhood. I’ve been listening to ignorant people bitch about the federal “gub’met,” since I could crawl, and I’m weary of it. I can’t bear to hear poor people rally to the defense of moneyed interests like mining and ranching, like well-trained, bleating sheep. As tired and silly as I find his language, clearly it worked. He so inflamed the lunatic militia movement, that many rallied to him, often from out of state, with guns and naked threats. They created a real possibility that someone might get killed, so the feds backed down.

I Don't Work Here Dammit!

Whats up with those buttons at intersections, that basically say “push button to stop traffic”? Seems like we’re trying to play God here, no? I don’t know anyone who knows anyone whose ever seen or heard of anyone pushing this thing. I need to show 4 forms of i.d. and a color copy of my DNA helix to get a membership at the video store, yet the city somehow trusts me with handling traffic? Really? Maybe I can hit JFK and land some planes too? - XMASTIME 

I meant to post this when it was more timely, but how about the whole "hey, YOU find the missing airplane!" shit? I mean, wtf?

It's like bagging groceries - should I clock in now?

Which reminds me. Grocery stores: what happened to your bag boys? The $0.49/hr you were paying got too steep? What the fuck, now I find myself having to fucking bag my own shit? And it’s always that awkwardness; I’ll fumble with my money extra long so that the cashier will finally decide to do it. Cause you feel like an asshole just standing there until she finally does; people behind you sighing and rolling their eyes. I’ll time it til she starts it, feign starting to reach for a bag “oh, you got it, okay.” Is having someone bag my groceries too much too ask, too steep a service? I don’t wanna fucking bag, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m putting the milk and croutons in the same bag with my Over-Sized Specially Made I Hope She’s a Horse Hefty Bag Condoms; can someone else fucking help me please?

Thoughts. i Have Them.

I've always  been obsessed with Howard Stern's movie Private Parts - to this day, if it's on, I'll watch (most due to Pig Vomit, to be fair.)  There's something even about the way it looks - I hate summer, I even hate LOOKING at movies that are summery, but for some reason this is the only movie I like seeing the city in sunlight/summer et al. Maybe because it's from a time just before I moved there, I dunno.

Meanwhile here's a fascinating video from the early day, with a decidedly non rock star-looking Stern, who looks like every 7th grade math teacher in the world.

Hipster Awesome du Jour

22 Foods Hipsters need to calm the fuck down about.

I was just saying this exact same thing the other day to someone in my office:

You can like bacon, but you can't own bacon. You have to recognize that the WHOLE WORLD likes bacon too. Liking bacon does not make you tough, nor does it make you special.

And I wrote about hipsters and PBR years ago, back when I gave a good goddam about trying to entertain you people:

Hipsters like to be seen drinking "real", "dive bar" beer. Pabst in particular has made millions over the past few years from hipsters preening around nursing sips out of a PBR can while trying to explain to you that Fleetwood Mac sucked after Lindsey Buckingham joined the band; before then they were "real."

My question is, how long til bars figure out the next step for the hipsters to take towrds "realness" and start selling beer in papar bags? Ooooooooh, you look a beer-swilling bum; SOOOO real!!

PREDICTION: Within 12 months there will be bars that offer a section with paper bag beer, wherein you can buy some cardboard, make up a "I'm Homeless" sign, and sit against a wall looking gaunt with all your other "dirty" friends. 

A Post About Physics, Because I Am That Smart

In the world of cartoon physics, this is definitely my favorite:

• Any vehicle on a path of travel is at a state of indeterminacy until an object enters a location in the path of travel. (Wolf looks both ways down the road, sees nothing, but gets run over by a bus as soon as he tries to cross. 

Famous Literary Meals

On a personal note, one of the most memorable passages of L'Etranger (sorry - The Stranger, you fucking hicks) was Camus sensuously writing about making a fried egg, continuing the European tradition of yammering on and on about breakfast. I've noticed it in any and all British Victorian lit, specifically Elizabeth Gaskell, who couldn't seem to go two pages without someone eating an egg and piece of toast for breakfast. Proust mentions breakfast throughout Swann's Way. Finally, one of the first things Heinrich Boll tells us about Leni in Group Portrait with Lady is what she likes to eat for breakfast, an obsession for her the author returns to it throughout the book. So that's England, France and Germany. Maybe I've always missed it, but I can't seem to remember breakfast playing such a part in American Lit. Should I move to Europe to open my dream restaurant?- XMASTIME

Here's some famous literary meals.

Can you guess this meal's book?

Documentary I Wanna See!

Darlene's Love's 20 Feet from Stardom.

Why Do People Have Sex In the Women's Room

Men because they'll take it anywhere they can, presumably. As for women:

But in the case where there’s a men’s and women’s restroom to choose from, heterosexual couples almost always go for the women’s room. “Women are much more apprehensive to go into the men’s room and have sex with a man,” Popovsky says. 

I do believe the DQ bathroom I had a dalliance in once was the men's room, thank you very much.

Happy 50th Birthday Dave Pirner

Here's from back when you could have fun with David Letterman's band.

Happy Birthday Dave Pirner

This sounds about right:

Everyone will tell you Soul Asylum was much better before they got big, but that is what everyone says about everything they love that they knew prior to its becoming popular, so a lot of times it is just wrong. I mean, no one is defending "Runaway Train"—no one could—but the back half of their career had as much under appreciated stuff as the beginning. Anyway, happy birthday, Dave Pirner. Those of us who dream of disappearing completely will always love you for this song.

80s hipsters killed Soul Asylum the second they made a dollar. The fact is, Let Your Dim Light Shine is my second favorite Soul Asylum album ever. And I was there in the beginning.

The Heat. It's Coming.

Today was the hottest day since the evening in the summer of 1999 when I was naked on my bed laying ice cubes on my chest. Then the cable went out. Then, looking through my door into the kitchen, all of a sudden the toaster, which wasn't even on, burst into flames. I didn't even get up. "Seems about right," was all I could think. - XMASTIME

Apparently, this summer is NYC is going to be more fucking unbearable than usual:

Sandi Duncan, managing editor for Farmer’s Almanac (which is still a thing, apparently), told the Post that, “It looks like it’s going to be an oppressively hot and humid summer for the New York area.”

Of course, there's always this:

3) With warm weather coming up I’m bracing myself for the inevitable advice we’ll get during the first heat wave: “Stay inside with the air conditoning on.” Really? Wow, thanks! Cause I was gonna cover myself in maple syrup, put on my heaviest wool sweater and spin in circles on the baking asphalt for a while. Jesus fucking christ. “Stay inside with the ac on.” If I could do that, Professor, then I wouldn’t give 2 shits about the fucking heat, now would I? That’s like if I wanna be a millionaire, “Have a million dollars in the bank!” thanks, assface.

God I'm Old

Dave Pirner with Victoria "Why Yes these are huge chompers Greg, why do you ask?" Williams

Happy 50th!

This is my favorite Soul Asylum song. Natch.

Happy 50th Birfday

Dave Pirner, whose backups were so amazing they completely fucked up Lou Reed.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight On Schedule

America: We Are Officially Out of Ideas

KFC is coming out with fried chicken corsages for prom. Because yes, nothing will make her want to bang you in the back seat of dad's Subaru like the stench of congealed grease wrapped around her wrist (believe me fellas, i've tried it.) 

Can somebody please tell KFC we're perfectly fine with them you know, just making fried chicken and putting it into a bucket?

I was gonna roll my eyes "the Colonel would be spinning in his bucket!" but then I remembered this, so:

1) I keep hearing people on tv say something like “You know, if your father heard you say that he’d turn over in his grave.” What the hell is this? The WORST thing we can think of is someone turning over in their grave, MAYBE harrumphing loudly with their disdain? Wow. “Oh no!! What if Pop can awake from the dead, hear what I was saying, and TURN OVER in the box we stuffed him in six feet in the ground!! Man, that would be awful!!!” Assuming said person COULD actually do something, wouldn’t we be more inclined to say “If your father could hear you now, he’d get up out of his grave and walk over here and beat the living shit out of you.” Now that might get my attention. Thinking that MAYBE someone in a faraway grave turned over doesn’t really make me decide to NOT set up a pyramid scheme to rip off Brownie troops. When I was a kid it was always “When your father gets home he’s going to KILL you”, which would of course scare the hell outta me. If my mother had said “If your father could magically hear you speak 47 miles away from here, he’d be so furious he’d spin around once in his office chair”, then i mean, camon.

SIDE NOTE: Bonus in that post: THEODORE!!