Thursday, July 30, 2009
Bruce, Seeger, Big Bear
Speaking of the Seeger sessions this wasn't on that album, so it was a surprise (to me, at least) when he opened with it when Op and I saw him at MSG. This isn't from that show, but fuck you. The next night Big Bear, at the age of 4 months, went to his first Bruce show (IN Jersey!) Awesome. Slice. Yes, insert your "I hope he's sent the Pogues a big fat check here."
Seeger (Not "Like a Rock," the Other One)
The Pete Seeger 90th birthday Madison Square Garden celebration is on PBS tonite; I can't say I give two shits about watching it other than I'm looking forward to when Pete tries to lead the crowd through every single verse of This Land is My Land, of which there are approximately 70,100. Jesus christ Pete, people not only KNOW one verse, they've only HEARD one! Even Bruce was lost during that 40-minute mumble-through you excitedly tried to orchestrate during the Inaugaration (I am done trying to spell that word correctly, it's been 6 months, fuck it. Halfway through I thought I saw Obama fire up a grill and start cooking some gotdam dogs. "We're gonna be here awhile."
ps - I know she's older than Pete Seeger dust but with the right crisp, button-down white shirt and a smoking hot pair of leather pants, and a drunken application of makeup, I would totally get up in Joan Baez' guts. BOOM!
"Seriously, what the fuck are you singing, old man? The sun's going down!!!"
ps - I know she's older than
"Seriously, what the fuck are you singing, old man? The sun's going down!!!"
Gates XV!!II
I agree with this guy - why is Lucia Whelan, the 911 caller, invited to the White House beer party? Out of all people involved, she is the only one who actually acted properly. Yeah she ended up being wrong, but if the whole thing was handled correctly at Gates' house it would've been a "well, better safe than sorry" kinda thing, and MAYBE no matter what Gates said afterwards there'd be a little part of him thinking well, it's kind of nice knowing someone was looking out for such things (even if he thinks she assumed it was a white house (pun intended*) being broken into.) I do not know what it would take for me to call the cops on someone; I'm sure I wouldn't have called if I saw Gates that day. There's a million signs around NYC saying "If you see something, say something." And here's someone who actually did, and she's the one that doesn't get invited to the party.
* pun kinda comes full circle, eh? Maybe she thought it was a white person's house, now everybody' sittin round the White House having a beer...except, of course, her.
* pun kinda comes full circle, eh? Maybe she thought it was a white person's house, now everybody' sittin round the White House having a beer...except, of course, her.
Heigl II
I went over my "doubts" re: someone as hot as Katherine Heigl letting someone who looks like Seth Rogan up in her guts without sodium penthol HERE. Then I'm flipping around last night, and it turns out there's a scene later in the flick where they're fucking AGAIN, this time as she's pregnant, and he freaks out cause he feels the baby kicking and pulls out to stop the relations. Cause he felt the goddam thing kick.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????! If I look like a turd with hair and yet Katherine Heigl is still letting me fuck her, that kid could wander out and check my gotdam prostate, and I ain't stopping. For fuck's sake. Wtf?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????! If I look like a turd with hair and yet Katherine Heigl is still letting me fuck her, that kid could wander out and check my gotdam prostate, and I ain't stopping. For fuck's sake. Wtf?
Kids: Nature's Unintentional Smartasses
"Whatcha readin', buddy?"
"A book."
zing!
"What book?"
"This book."
grrrr.
"A book."
zing!
"What book?"
"This book."
grrrr.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I'll Give $100,000...
...to anyone who knows anyone who has ever heard of, or even remotely sensed the presence of, anyone they've ever known/seen/been in the same state as someone who has used a dental dam. I mean, camon.
A Modest Proposal
Once something happens it becomes inevitable; one of these instances seems to be in the fact that health insurance is so readily accepted as a "necessary evil" as it is today. Why? Yeah, I know being a doctor is an amazing thing and he/she should be compensated very well for having learned something that is incredibly difficult, but so is flying a plane. How come if a doctor says he can save our life we are more than happy to pay whatever amount the insurance company says, we will empty our life savings, we will spend 50 years giving up part of our paycheck, every week, NO MATTER WHAT - yet we don't give up a part of our paycheck every week of our working lives in the event that someday we will hafta board a plane and put our lives into the hands of the unique skills of an airline pilot, do we? You wanna fly from NYC to Paris it's $500; you want a sprained ankle treated it's $4,000? REEEEally?
I can't cook a 5-star meal - why am I not paying a small fee every week to offset the cost should I one day go to a restaurant wherein the chef is the greatest chef in the world?
I can't dunk a basketball or turn a double play, shouldn't a chunk of my weekly check be going to make sure that these outrageously talented athletes can keep doing their thing, and that I might someday be able to go see them?
I'm a huge proponent of healthcare AND health coverage reform - but maybe the question I should be asking myself is why does health insurance exist at all? How come like weddings and college, medicine is allowed to be some egregiously paid expense that we all take for granted as being "more than we can afford, but fuck it"? Hell, out of the three, medicine is the only one that is a science, whose worth can therefore be measured. If the "free market" is as amazing as everybody says it is, shouldn't I be able to go to the guy who says he can set my broken arm for the best price without having to pre-pay for years, even if i don't use it, as I would an english muffin?
I can't cook a 5-star meal - why am I not paying a small fee every week to offset the cost should I one day go to a restaurant wherein the chef is the greatest chef in the world?
I can't dunk a basketball or turn a double play, shouldn't a chunk of my weekly check be going to make sure that these outrageously talented athletes can keep doing their thing, and that I might someday be able to go see them?
I'm a huge proponent of healthcare AND health coverage reform - but maybe the question I should be asking myself is why does health insurance exist at all? How come like weddings and college, medicine is allowed to be some egregiously paid expense that we all take for granted as being "more than we can afford, but fuck it"? Hell, out of the three, medicine is the only one that is a science, whose worth can therefore be measured. If the "free market" is as amazing as everybody says it is, shouldn't I be able to go to the guy who says he can set my broken arm for the best price without having to pre-pay for years, even if i don't use it, as I would an english muffin?
The State Should Be Ashamed
While in college (WIC) I stumbled upon some show on MTV called The State - since then it has passed into cult status, but at the time I tried to videotape it as much as possible, had no idea what the fuck it was, and, I thought, it was canceled after about 10 episodes.
Then a few years later some of the cast were in Reno 911! which was part great, part "how the fuck is this thing still on?"
And of course Michael Ian Black spent about 100 hours in a row in the VH1 offices saying every word in the English language so that they could be used in every I Love the 1980s/90/00s/my nuts etc etc.
I few weeks ago they announced a new show with two of the "Beatles" of that original The State season, and my curiosity was a little peaked. And all of a sudden, to promote the new show, they showed old episodes of "The State." I say "The State" cause I watched for hours, yet these were not episodes I 1) had ever seen 2) even remotely laughed at. Danger ahead, I thought.
And now I've watched about 10 minutes of the newest show, Michael & Michael Have Issues, and I'm shocked at how much funnier any random trip I made to a salad bar in 1986 was than any moment of this outrageously unwatchable, cringe-worthy show.
I think the window on white, slacker, ironic NYC "sketch comedy" has officially closed. And I'm guessing I'm a few years late. Fucking hell. Good riddance.
For REAL comedy, hit HERE.
Then a few years later some of the cast were in Reno 911! which was part great, part "how the fuck is this thing still on?"
And of course Michael Ian Black spent about 100 hours in a row in the VH1 offices saying every word in the English language so that they could be used in every I Love the 1980s/90/00s/my nuts etc etc.
I few weeks ago they announced a new show with two of the "Beatles" of that original The State season, and my curiosity was a little peaked. And all of a sudden, to promote the new show, they showed old episodes of "The State." I say "The State" cause I watched for hours, yet these were not episodes I 1) had ever seen 2) even remotely laughed at. Danger ahead, I thought.
And now I've watched about 10 minutes of the newest show, Michael & Michael Have Issues, and I'm shocked at how much funnier any random trip I made to a salad bar in 1986 was than any moment of this outrageously unwatchable, cringe-worthy show.
I think the window on white, slacker, ironic NYC "sketch comedy" has officially closed. And I'm guessing I'm a few years late. Fucking hell. Good riddance.
For REAL comedy, hit HERE.
Cops III
Earlier today HERE I wondered what part location/size of city etc played in the degree to which cops are assholes - I concluded that it's hard to say Crowley is really an asshole, as much as just stupid.
But now, what do you know, we find out that there IS a cop who has been punished due to this particular non-case. Is it Crowley? Nah. It's THIS SHITHEAD...who is from, ta-DA! Boston....the 10th largest metropolitan area in the country as well as a city fairly well-known for not being too crazy about black people. So now Crowley isn't even the seemingly worst cop in this non-case, thanks to some jagoff who couldn't stand that someone else was getting credit for being a racist and couldn't go to bed until he had thrown his own hat into the ring. Hey, good for him.
But now, what do you know, we find out that there IS a cop who has been punished due to this particular non-case. Is it Crowley? Nah. It's THIS SHITHEAD...who is from, ta-DA! Boston....the 10th largest metropolitan area in the country as well as a city fairly well-known for not being too crazy about black people. So now Crowley isn't even the seemingly worst cop in this non-case, thanks to some jagoff who couldn't stand that someone else was getting credit for being a racist and couldn't go to bed until he had thrown his own hat into the ring. Hey, good for him.
378-0
The House voting 378-0 on a bill that included affirming that Obama was born in America after the Right spent a few weeks with all the Birther nonsense makes me wonder what would have happened if on Day 1 Obama had thrown down the gauntlet: here's my healthcare bill, fucking pass it. I know that one is a country/culture-shifting bill while the other is mostly nonsense, but maybe there is something to the way that Congress actually votes as opposed to the way they can stall for time so as to fear-monger/feign indignation while preening for tv cameras, and I'm guessing one is better for their own fund-raising come election time than the other.
Glenn Beck
I think to claim Glenn Beck is speaking from his heart and is a racist because of what he said about Obama is giving him way too much credit. We're talking about someone who is paid millions to say ridiculous things to get ratings; we're talking about someone who is a vacuum of real thought. He is depicted as the most extreme of the extreme right, he is SO horrified by Obama he looks like he's about to burst....yet does ANYbody think that if he was offered one more dollar to go on the air and say the exact opposite, he wouldn't? Hell no.
But again, like I said earlier today with Michelle Malkin, my problem isn't really with him. If somebody offered me $10M/year to walk in front of a tv camera and say "Obama's a n---er, I hate him," I'd do it. Why? Because I DON'T think like that, and I know that people understand that $10M is a lot of money. If I REALLY thought like that, I'd be parading in the streets preaching the shit for free.
I'm wondering how many sponsors have pulled out of his show. My guess is so far, none. I'm also wondering what it's going to take for Republicans to finally be embarrassed with the handful of people that are representing them (and, btw, who are NOT being discredited by actual congressmen at al) a la Beck/Rush/Malkin/Coulter and on and on. Oh, your GOP friends will say "oh camon, everyone knows he/she's a whackjob!" but the tv/radio shows still go on every day. The books still sell. And insane messages that nobody actually believes (The Birthers) get spread like wildfire.
I think Republicans think that if they came out against these powerful nutjobs, they'd be showing weakness as a party. I do not agree; I think the day the Beck/Rush/Coulter gang gets publicly rebuked and discredited by the Republican Party is the day I start to get worried. Until then, it's hard to take ANY member of the GOP seriously.
As I said HERE:
But again, like I said earlier today with Michelle Malkin, my problem isn't really with him. If somebody offered me $10M/year to walk in front of a tv camera and say "Obama's a n---er, I hate him," I'd do it. Why? Because I DON'T think like that, and I know that people understand that $10M is a lot of money. If I REALLY thought like that, I'd be parading in the streets preaching the shit for free.
I'm wondering how many sponsors have pulled out of his show. My guess is so far, none. I'm also wondering what it's going to take for Republicans to finally be embarrassed with the handful of people that are representing them (and, btw, who are NOT being discredited by actual congressmen at al) a la Beck/Rush/Malkin/Coulter and on and on. Oh, your GOP friends will say "oh camon, everyone knows he/she's a whackjob!" but the tv/radio shows still go on every day. The books still sell. And insane messages that nobody actually believes (The Birthers) get spread like wildfire.
I think Republicans think that if they came out against these powerful nutjobs, they'd be showing weakness as a party. I do not agree; I think the day the Beck/Rush/Coulter gang gets publicly rebuked and discredited by the Republican Party is the day I start to get worried. Until then, it's hard to take ANY member of the GOP seriously.
As I said HERE:
I would think at some point any Republican friends I have would be embarrassed and pissed off that they were being represented by people like this. This is another case of "the 8 Republicans in charge make the other 50 million look bad," but when shit like this starts going down, maybe it's time to get rid of those 8 people?
Waaaaassssssssssuuuuuuuuuuppppppp?
Like a lot of people I swelled with pride the other day when Barack Obama, the president of the United States, declared that for his little tea party with Gates/Crowley he would be drinking that most American of beers: Budwesier. No fancy-schmancy micro-brewed hipster nonsense for him; no thanks, gimme the hot dog/apple pie/Chevy of beers (cue 1980 Olympic hockey team jumping into each other's arms) he said.
But it just dawned on me - Budwesier is no longer American!!! Last July, it was sold to ..... BELGIUM! Belgium!! Which is in Europe... and you know what Europeans loooooooooove, doncha?
S O C I A L I S M!!
For fuck's sake, 32% of Belgians speak French!!! And now our "president" is sending out a signal with his beer choice - Socialist sleepers cells are coming to life throughout the land, desperate to pay for your healthcare, lower your cost of public transportation and, even worse, PAY FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE!!!!!!! They're swarming us now!!!!!! Where are those fucking shetland ponies when we need them??
Nice try L'Obama, but you gotta get up a little earlier to fucking fool me. The word is out! Gee, I don't remember him professing his love for Bud before it was sold a year ago, do you? Gee. Isn't that interesting?
You have officially been Xmastimed. NEXT!!!!
But it just dawned on me - Budwesier is no longer American!!! Last July, it was sold to ..... BELGIUM! Belgium!! Which is in Europe... and you know what Europeans loooooooooove, doncha?
S O C I A L I S M!!
For fuck's sake, 32% of Belgians speak French!!! And now our "president" is sending out a signal with his beer choice - Socialist sleepers cells are coming to life throughout the land, desperate to pay for your healthcare, lower your cost of public transportation and, even worse, PAY FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE!!!!!!! They're swarming us now!!!!!! Where are those fucking shetland ponies when we need them??
Nice try L'Obama, but you gotta get up a little earlier to fucking fool me. The word is out! Gee, I don't remember him professing his love for Bud before it was sold a year ago, do you? Gee. Isn't that interesting?
You have officially been Xmastimed. NEXT!!!!
What's the Word For...
...spending such a long time on the bowl reading after a dump that before you even leave the bathroom after flushing you're like damn...now I gotta piss.
ps - this sentence was SO grammatically dyslexic I'm fucking leaving it as is. Wow.
ps - this sentence was SO grammatically dyslexic I'm fucking leaving it as is. Wow.
URGENT!!!
I just realized that 5000 posts is all Blogger will hold; ergo every post after 5000 means an early one gets the axe. Starting with my very first one!!!! Wtf is this??????
THIS is the one that got snipped because of this post. Any advice re: saving these precious Xmastime archives is welcome - I've already lost 200 posts!!!!!
UPDATE: Okay, they've disappeared from my DASHBOARD, but can still be found on the archive to the right. Phew. Just for your patience, here's a trip down memory lane with my first ever post. About...Wally Joyner. Hmm.
THIS is the one that got snipped because of this post. Any advice re: saving these precious Xmastime archives is welcome - I've already lost 200 posts!!!!!
UPDATE: Okay, they've disappeared from my DASHBOARD, but can still be found on the archive to the right. Phew. Just for your patience, here's a trip down memory lane with my first ever post. About...Wally Joyner. Hmm.
Lou Dobbs
GEORGE: There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
JERRY: You can do that.
GEORGE: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'
JERRY: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
GEORGE: Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?
Is it just me, or does Lou Dobbs for some reason WANT to be discredited as a loon and/or fired? Does he have some deal from FOX News waiting for him when he gets canned from CNN? Why else would he still be clinging so tightly to the "Obama wasn't born in America, prolly wants to get rid of NASCAR" birthers claim? Wtf?
Sex and Dishes
A year ago I jokingly dismissed the validity of the whole "helping out with the housework leads to sex" thing in a marriage. This of course while not being married, not having a house to bother with, and last having sex in the 1930s. The Girl Who appears to differ with me. Interesting. Also, I thought I had invented the term "man meat." This is very disappointing for me. Anyways, I repeat my advertisement:
HOUSEWORK FOR SEX - Outrageously overweight bed-wetting alcoholic with no job and the back hair of your uncle's rec room carpet looking for a housework for sex trade. Every hour of housework = an hour of sex. As I'm unemployed I'm free all the time; in fact if I could crash at your place for a while that would be a w e s o m e. You: be smoking hot, creative in bed with a lot of Victoria's Secret stuff and not a lot of shame. Might wanna invest in a power flusher, I've been in a bit of a "cheese phase." xmastimer@gmail.com
I Wanna Bang Michelle Malkin
The Michelle Malkin Today Show video has made it rounds today (you can find it anywhere.) Number one, the next time the right starts their usual "left-wing media" nonsense (oops, there they go already!) I would remind them that the most mainstream of all media, the fucking Today Show, for some reason gave the right-wing nutjob four minutes to promote her "book." And yes, I said nutjob - I challenge anyone on the right to defend her as being anytihng more than an opportunity-grabbing shithead who will say anything that is shocking enough to sell books.
WHICH DOESN'T EVEN MAKE HER WRONG - to me, the real criminals are the idiots that book her on their shows... again, as I've repeatedly asked re: Kristol/Rove/Gingrich and on and on, why was she even invited on the show?
But my main point is where are these "hardball, Chicago poltics tactics" from Obama she is speaking of? If she's telling the truth, she'd say that Obama is doing the OPPOSITE - instead of cramming through healthcare with Rahmbo cracking skulls ( ala Bush/Cheney), he's tried to do some pussified nuanced bipartisan over-dancing that has been a failure thus far - and even if it "succeeds," it'll stil be too watered down to matter.
Obama needs to ACTUALLY EXECUTE these 'hardball" tactics. For fuck's sake, the window of opportunity is closing and if you can't get what you want with 60 Democratic Senators, then for fuck's sake, go fucking give it up. Put on some slippers and go bowling already.
WHICH DOESN'T EVEN MAKE HER WRONG - to me, the real criminals are the idiots that book her on their shows... again, as I've repeatedly asked re: Kristol/Rove/Gingrich and on and on, why was she even invited on the show?
But my main point is where are these "hardball, Chicago poltics tactics" from Obama she is speaking of? If she's telling the truth, she'd say that Obama is doing the OPPOSITE - instead of cramming through healthcare with Rahmbo cracking skulls ( ala Bush/Cheney), he's tried to do some pussified nuanced bipartisan over-dancing that has been a failure thus far - and even if it "succeeds," it'll stil be too watered down to matter.
Obama needs to ACTUALLY EXECUTE these 'hardball" tactics. For fuck's sake, the window of opportunity is closing and if you can't get what you want with 60 Democratic Senators, then for fuck's sake, go fucking give it up. Put on some slippers and go bowling already.
Wildcat
A la Wiki:
I've found it curious that the NFL waited until Michael Vick was out of the league to decide "hey, maybe we should just snap the ball the most athletic guy on the team and let him decide what to do with it, therein maximizing the damage he can do on each play." Wtf? This is like waiting til Tera Patrick goes mainstream for the porn biz to decide they should film big-titted Asians getting double-penetrated. Camon.
A la Xmaswiki:
As the popularity of the Wildcat spread during the 2008-09 NFL season, several teams began instituting it as a part of their playbook, including the Kansas City Chiefs, Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, New York Jets, Arizona Cardinals, and the Dallas Cowboys.
I've found it curious that the NFL waited until Michael Vick was out of the league to decide "hey, maybe we should just snap the ball the most athletic guy on the team and let him decide what to do with it, therein maximizing the damage he can do on each play." Wtf? This is like waiting til Tera Patrick goes mainstream for the porn biz to decide they should film big-titted Asians getting double-penetrated. Camon.
A la Xmaswiki:
I don't want him at qb. Not because I don't think he could be a good quarterback, but that I think he's wasted there. Think about it - as a qb, by definition his job is to get the ball to SOMEBODY ELSE. He either turns back and hands it someone with less talent, or drops back and throws it to somebody with less talent. Yeah every once in a while he'll break outta the pocket, but that's rare by design. Wouldn't you be scared shitless if on every play you knew that the ball might END UP in Vick's hands instead of BEGIN in Vick's hands?
Also, him being qb means nobody has to really cover him. Put him as some combination rb/wr, and I promise you there will be 2 people dogging him the whole time. Now you've gone to your best player using up at least TWO players on defense instead of ZERO. Defenses would be in a sheer panic looking for him on every play. To me this is a fucking no-brainer. Vick is too good to be a qb; let Tony fucking Homo hand the ball off to people.
Krauthammer Sniffin' Palin
Krauthammer desperate to have someone in the White House he can jerk off to:
The presidency should be ascended to by somebody who has spent a slow, natural lifetime of both intellectual curiosity and life experience. A natural progression. Any jerkoff can memorize the exact right notes and pass some test - and I believe we've seen how things go when you have somebody "cram" to learn just enough shit to become president.
In other words, the presidency is not a fucking final exam you need to pass so you can go on fucking spring break.
And I repeat again and again, and I know it sounds condescending—she needs the discipline to study up on stuff if she is going to be a major presidential candidate.
The presidency should be ascended to by somebody who has spent a slow, natural lifetime of both intellectual curiosity and life experience. A natural progression. Any jerkoff can memorize the exact right notes and pass some test - and I believe we've seen how things go when you have somebody "cram" to learn just enough shit to become president.
In other words, the presidency is not a fucking final exam you need to pass so you can go on fucking spring break.
I Really Like Plax' Thinking Here
"Hey, maybe the jury will be filled with other gun-toting NFL millionaires!"
Cops II
Since nobody asked me and I've done exactly zero research, I thought I'd revisit my thoughts HERE yesterday on cops, and conclude that there are four different groups of cops out there today:
1. Aggro douchebags who get off on the thought of wielding power with a gun
2. Guys who see it as a viable career with good benefits, early retirement etc who just wanna get through the day without rocking the boat, being fairly good/decent cops
3. Guys who start out wanting to be great, compassionate cops but turn into assholes due to the unique stress of such a job
4. Great cops
I wonder how much location factors into a cop's being a douchebag. I've lived in small towns in VA and MS, in which I never met a cop who was an asshole for no reason, and I've lived in New York City, in which I've never met a cop who wasn't a complete asshole for no reason. Cambridge, MA has just over 100,000 people, includes Harvard University and MIT, and is labeled as one of the most liberal cities in the country. Add in that the median income for a family there is $79K, and looking at these facts would not really lead anybody to think of Cambridge as a city broiling under the heat of the kind of ever-present violence and anger and racism that seems to play a part in turning a lot of other cities' cops into assholes. Which leads me to once again surmise that Crowley wasn't acting under any real "racism" at the moment, just sheer stupidity. Couple that with being on television, and the stupidity multiplies, and here we are....writing about shit we have no idea about, and no closer to getting up in Audrina's guts. Sigh. :(
1. Aggro douchebags who get off on the thought of wielding power with a gun
2. Guys who see it as a viable career with good benefits, early retirement etc who just wanna get through the day without rocking the boat, being fairly good/decent cops
3. Guys who start out wanting to be great, compassionate cops but turn into assholes due to the unique stress of such a job
4. Great cops
I wonder how much location factors into a cop's being a douchebag. I've lived in small towns in VA and MS, in which I never met a cop who was an asshole for no reason, and I've lived in New York City, in which I've never met a cop who wasn't a complete asshole for no reason. Cambridge, MA has just over 100,000 people, includes Harvard University and MIT, and is labeled as one of the most liberal cities in the country. Add in that the median income for a family there is $79K, and looking at these facts would not really lead anybody to think of Cambridge as a city broiling under the heat of the kind of ever-present violence and anger and racism that seems to play a part in turning a lot of other cities' cops into assholes. Which leads me to once again surmise that Crowley wasn't acting under any real "racism" at the moment, just sheer stupidity. Couple that with being on television, and the stupidity multiplies, and here we are....writing about shit we have no idea about, and no closer to getting up in Audrina's guts. Sigh. :(
Sniffin' Palin
Word on the street is that Palin is considering a radio show for her next step. My first thought is of course why would anyone so readily jump into a career they claim to abhor. Would be like my deciding to get into the "sucking dick for vegetables" field.
But radio? Really? Say what you will about Palin - yes she's a complete idiot who will say nothing even remotely original or insightful on her "show" - but, unlike Beck/Hannity et al, she doesn't have a "face for radio." You honestly believe they'll keep her on radio and not tv, where they'll know at any moment she can have a "wardrobe malfunction"? Hell, you KNOW my ass would be watching every gotdam night!!
I'll Be Honest
If Christine Taylor and Jennifer Aniston walked into my room and asked me to be the judge in their "Who Has a Better Labia?" Contest, I would not be very upset.
Why Regulation Matters
Even a genius like Sir Isaac Newton can lose his pantaloons:
Of all people, Newton should have known better. He had, after all, invented the mathematics that could expose the impossibility of the South Sea Company's promise of returns to be paid to an everlasting stream of new investors. And yet, even he could not resist the prospect of infinite returns on his money...he admitted that while he knew how to predict the motions of the cosmos, "he could not calculate the madness of the people."
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My Wonder Years. Hmm.
Over at Classmates.com, a site I inexplicably found myself at a minute ago, they have little films that are supposed to encapsulate the era you were in high school. I graduated in 1990, so I clicked on the 1985-1989 one.
Theme music for 1980-1984: Thriller.
Theme music for 1990-1994: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Now, I'm not saying I really give two shits about either of those two songs in and of themselves. But they're fucking A Day in the Life compared to the theme music from 1985-1989:
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Theme music for 1980-1984: Thriller.
Theme music for 1990-1994: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Now, I'm not saying I really give two shits about either of those two songs in and of themselves. But they're fucking A Day in the Life compared to the theme music from 1985-1989:
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The Heigl Plan: YES!
The search thingee on my blog is fucked up so I can't find my post wherein I rant about the implausibility of Seth Rogan fucking Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up, and the other night the guys on Entourage did the same thing. And they're right - there's NO FUCKING WAY a chick as fucking balls-hot as her has a one-night stand with Fozzie the fucking Bear. I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen - there's no amount of booze that can get a girl that hot to fuck that. I know you gals will take offense and say yes it's possible "he's funny! and nice!" Yeah, if he spent a decade quietly winning her over with his charm until she was numbed into unconsciousness by his blandness as well as having run out of other dudes on the planet to fuck, then MAYBE.
But now I see she's in some movie with Gerard Butler, who's supposed to be some great-looking lothario. But in looking at her and him, I don't see HIM fucking her either. Does anybody realize how much hotter she is than any of the jagoffs they keep pairing her with? What the fuck?
For years women have bitched that things like movies and magazines have set an impossible standard for normal-looking women to live up to. How are us men supposed to be attracted to them when we spend all day jerking off to pictures of Gisele?
But now with these Heigl movies, I think I see something else...a subtle, slow plan by men to use her as a way to get women to accept the fact that THEY TOO should settle for the first jobless, fat dumbass who doesn't rape your father on the first date - they are slowly easing into women's minds "hey, look who Katherine Heigl had to settle for...now look at yourself - who the fuck do you think you are? Consider yourself lucky ANY fucking loser would even consider taking your fat ass to a movie."
Are men even MORE brilliant than we had even thought??? AWESOME!!!
Unreal.
This story over on Sully is pretty astounding. As in I can't believe that we are so anxious to rid the country of illegal immigrants that we're more than happy to PAY to house and feed them in jail as long as possible for no apparent reason. Awesome.
A Modest Proposal
We are now in Year 6 of a war that has cost us thousands of lives and $669B (and counting) that nobody really gives a shit about other than those directly participating. Meanwhile, there is no collective effort as a whole from the entire country like there was from 1941-1945. Of course when it's handy for them politically, politicians love to talk about the Iraq War and the nobility of the troops they pretend to shed a tear over as if they're fighting World War II again. But we all know it's not so.
Does anybody really know WHY we're fighting this war? I doubt it. It seems to me that whenever the country as a whole isn't really sure WHY we're fighting a war, we wander our way into losing it. We're wasting lives and a shitload of money, and most people have no idea why.
MODEST PROPOSAL: Every day, the Pentagon has one hour to ask random people why we're in Iraq. If within that hour 10 people get the answer correct, or even PARTLY correct, we can stay in the war. The day that the number 10 cannot be achieved, we pull up stakes and get the hell outta there.
Does anybody really know WHY we're fighting this war? I doubt it. It seems to me that whenever the country as a whole isn't really sure WHY we're fighting a war, we wander our way into losing it. We're wasting lives and a shitload of money, and most people have no idea why.
MODEST PROPOSAL: Every day, the Pentagon has one hour to ask random people why we're in Iraq. If within that hour 10 people get the answer correct, or even PARTLY correct, we can stay in the war. The day that the number 10 cannot be achieved, we pull up stakes and get the hell outta there.
The Pilgrim's Progress
I honestly thought it was about the pilgrims. I was not expecting to jump into a Everyman-esque christian allegory when I groggily got on the train this morning. Fuck. I'm such an idiot.
Sniffin Palin
Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.
I'm confused. Wasn't Charlton Heston, THE president of the NRA, from Hollywood? I mean, those films of him parting the Red Sea and getting pushed around by apes weren't home movies, were they? Hmm.
Cops
The UG wonders why dudes become cops at 21; I believe he's asked this before like a year ago, wondering how many are led to the field by a thuggish desire to throw around their testosterone/douchebaggery. I have never had any desire to be a cop, but I'd imagine the answer is the same as is the number of dudes who join the Army with fantasies of "fucking some shit up": some. I'm of the opinion that most cops become cops cause, like everybody else, they gotta do something. As much as I'd love to believe my dad became a cop because he was moved by some sense of duty to community or had an epiphany wherein God told him to protect people, I'm pretty sure it went more like "well I'm married, about to have some kids and am not going to cosmetology school. I was a Marine, I gotta do something, so maybe I'll try being a cop." I have no idea if my dad was a shitty cop or a good cop, but I do know that like almost all cops he never found himself as part of a national news story that included race, class, and stupidity.
And while I'm sure there's plenty of shitty, asshole cops (like the one that ticketed me for no seatbelt. fucking douche.) and there's plenty of good cops, it doesn't excuse even the good ones from acting stupidly, which I think Officer Crowley has done since the incident. And now I'm getting the feeling that as he's dug in, he (and his colleagues) have somehow decided that this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them. As in we are now living in a society where being labeled as a racist is okay if it leads to those most magical of words we thirst for: "Dude, I saw you on tv!!!"
And while I'm sure there's plenty of shitty, asshole cops (like the one that ticketed me for no seatbelt. fucking douche.) and there's plenty of good cops, it doesn't excuse even the good ones from acting stupidly, which I think Officer Crowley has done since the incident. And now I'm getting the feeling that as he's dug in, he (and his colleagues) have somehow decided that this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them. As in we are now living in a society where being labeled as a racist is okay if it leads to those most magical of words we thirst for: "Dude, I saw you on tv!!!"
Time
The older I get, the more I'm struck by how long things stick around. There are books/tapes/records I've had for 25-30 years. Last night I realized I've had the same desk for 11 years. I've used the same towel every day since 1998. And just now I realized that I'm coming up on a whole year of using the same staple remover. I'm not saying I'm gonna bake it a cake and buy it a lap dance, but still.
Lying
According to this post from Sully, Sarah Palin could've used some lessons from The Master:
Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?Of course, Jerry went on to snap under the pressure, but still.
George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.
I Am Dangerously Close to Making Audrina My Number 1
Gauging how crazy this will make Britney before I make it official. I mean, I don't want her children to be harmed in some freak-out of hers.
Somebody Get Me a Hooker
You know, this is going to be a hell of an issue in 2010 cause honestly, what’s the point of having a 60 vote majority in the United States Senate, if you can’t produce…health care reform. You can get health insurance reform. This bill is going to cost us a lot of money and it isn’t going to do anything, if this so-called compromise is true. This compromise does nothing, except it will reform insurance. That’s a good thing to do, but they ought to strip the money out of it cause we reformed insurance like this in Vermont 15 years ago. It’s a fine thing to do, but it doesn’t insure more people
I've screamed here many times re: if you're gonna spend a ton of money anyway, you might as well pass a bill that actually WORKS. Now that it's been compromised so much and watered down, come 2010 Republicans will be able to say "gee, look at how much money we spent, and you're still not insured." As opposed to of course a Democrat being able to say "yeah, it was a ton of money, but now every American has health insurance." We let ourselves feel okay at being nickel-and-dimed under the virtue of "fiscal responsibility" - an ironic term at best since there's nothing responsible about paying for something that was set up to fail simply for political gain.
Or, as I brilliantly said HERE:
I suppose an appropriate analogy would be to get a hooker, who tells you you may pay $20 for 15 minutes or $35 for 1/2 hour. Trying to save some dough you go for the 15 minutes, but your 15 minutes comes and goes before you do. So now you've spent $20 and gotten zero satisfaction, whereas you could've spent $35 and made sure you got your nut off. One way you're fucked, and the other one you're fucked and happy.
Enough Nonsense Already
There's been some murmerings lately that Bud Selig might finally relent and let Pete rose into the Hall of Fame. Though Bill Madden doubts it.
One thing that annoys me is that baseball purists love to pretend that the rule against gambling is baseball's most precious, "cardinal" rule. This sentiment of course was begun at the turn of the century, back when players didn't make shit and many probably DID bet on games to make money they really needed. Now, I know gambling may be seen as a sickness and may grip someone even when money does not matter, but I find it's prevalence in a league where the average player makes more money in one year than most countries to be highly doubtful - certainly a lot less prevalent than, say, illegal drugs that can help a player earn that amount of money while playing anyway. Put him in the goddam HOF already. 20 years is enough fucking punishment.
One thing that annoys me is that baseball purists love to pretend that the rule against gambling is baseball's most precious, "cardinal" rule. This sentiment of course was begun at the turn of the century, back when players didn't make shit and many probably DID bet on games to make money they really needed. Now, I know gambling may be seen as a sickness and may grip someone even when money does not matter, but I find it's prevalence in a league where the average player makes more money in one year than most countries to be highly doubtful - certainly a lot less prevalent than, say, illegal drugs that can help a player earn that amount of money while playing anyway. Put him in the goddam HOF already. 20 years is enough fucking punishment.
It's Only a Matter of Time, Isn't It?
The thing I like about these "birthers" is after it goes down in flames it's only a matter of time before the inevitable "is Obama a free Negro?" talk starts up. Bill Posey: "I cannot say if Obama is in fact free." Awesome!
The Daily Show
Tomorrow you'll be reading about how Jon Stewart "got" Bill Kristol on The Daily Show. But what you have to see to believe is how much the joke is on Stewart - Kristol DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT. He can barely contain himself when talking about Palin, and then when he finds himself crossed up on healthcare, what does he do? Laughs his head off. He does not care. Here's a guy that has been paid to be wrong about everything year after year, yet was asked onto a tv show, and acted appropriately: "you want the shit head you got the shit head; either way, I'm going to the bank and laughing about it so, so fuck you." Dude can barely hide himself asking "which room are the hookers in?"
I got an idea: how bout we stop asking complete fucking failures onto tv shows? Maybe? Yes? No?
I got an idea: how bout we stop asking complete fucking failures onto tv shows? Maybe? Yes? No?
To the 50M People that Voted McCain:
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. -
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
Monday, July 27, 2009
Michael Vick
My guess is that Michael Vick, after his 6-game suspension, will end up on some mid-level, non-controversial smallish-market team; the team will roll out a campaign of "God forgives, we're giving him a second chance" etc etc. God, it will turn out, also recognizes opportunity when he sees it and will create a cottage industry of Vick jerseys/caps/shot glasses etc, marketing Vick's coming to the team with millions of dollars in advertising/marketing etc. Which is why, after Roger Goodell's feet-dragging re: looking him in the eyes to see if he's really "contrite" fucking nonsense, I hope Vick says "hey, you know what? I'll sit out the next 6 too" and sit back as gate receipts/merchandise/tv etc dry up under the owner's fucking feet. THEN I think the NFL will "suddenly" determine WOW, Vick has already paid his price to society, God is about redemption, let him play! etc etc.
Let the NFL's hypocrisy ring!
Let the NFL's hypocrisy ring!
"Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt."
Sometimes I wonder if it should actually be "we hunt, therefore we eat." But I'm also distracted by the fact that I have an 11:22pm jack-off session coming up, so what the fuck do I know?
Stupid People
I've spent a lot of time today talking about how stupid the people that make up this country are, and now I see that Bill Maher agrees with me. But Maher doesn't deliver the REAL punchline at the end - that yes, we can pat ourselves on the back for electing Obama, but 50 MILLION PEOPLE voted for McCain. I find it hard to believe that there are 50M people in the country who are either millionaires or working for the oil/war industry, so I hafta wonder about the others.
Reading
I seem to have found a nice groove for a reading system: bathroom, train, regular. For instance, right now it's:
Bathroom reading (aka Shiterature): The Right Stuff
Train on Tues/Fri reading: Pilgrim's Progress
Regular reading: Nixonland
Jerkoff reading: Pilgrim's Progress (sorry, that shit's sexy.)
Bathroom reading (aka Shiterature): The Right Stuff
Train on Tues/Fri reading: Pilgrim's Progress
Regular reading: Nixonland
Jerkoff reading: Pilgrim's Progress (sorry, that shit's sexy.)
She's a Rainbow
Earlier today I spent about 30 minutes wondering why a rainbow's colors don't line up in an order indicating Color 1 mixed with Color 3 = Color 2 (eg the rainbow would go blue, green, yellow.) And just now I took 4 seconds to "research" this and see that that IS basically how the order works. I guess I was over-thinking things during the 30 minutes Short Bus was "reading" Rainbow Rob to me, eh?
Book about a gay penguin for 3 year-olds, don't ask.
Hey look, one of my top 3 Stones slices.
Shes A Rainbow - The Rolling Stones
Madeline
Over the years I've tried to badger all my friends into reading my all-time super-slice Peter Leroy, including HERE; after a decade and a half I have had zero success at getting anyone to read the book...until today, with BayonneMike throwing me, and I quote, a "pity read." :)
Thanks BM!
In most posts on the book I've mentioned Proust's influence on the author; he himself is unrelenting in his praise of Proust's style and how it shaped his own writing. But I just realized that Peter Leroy is dedicated to the author's wife, who is named Madeline (whom I met when the author came to my college.) And having finally read Swann's Way, I discovered that the single defining "this is Proust" moment comes as the narrator is tasting a madeline cookie. Wtf? Bit of a strange coincidence, n'est-pas? Be like me marrying some chick named Imjustaregulargirlatamidwesterncollegewhoneverdreamedshedbewritingintoamagazinewithastorylikethis, no?
Sniffin' Palin
You can say what you want about Sarah Palin, and you can feign indignation about the evil media not being fair to her etc etc, but I think it's insulting for someone to say that she quit her governorship so that she could run for President. Please. This is the hardest, most high-pressure job in the whole country. And one thing we've learned from having Bush in the White House for 8 years is that you know what, just "anybody" CAN'T be president. And in Palin we see someone who loves the attention, loves the tv cameras (which she, you know, hates), is great at spouting out words and catch-phrases people have put into her head (who wants to bet her first speech as a civilian coming up in 2 weeks is almost word for word same as her convention speech?), and craves being famous for fame's sake. But a few things she's shown that she's not to crazy about is actually doing serious work and/or governing. Why on Earth would anyone with a brain seriously think she is someone who is jonesing for such serious work? Gee, what actual substance has she advanced that makes you think she's chomping at the bit to enact? Why would she give up going around on television and saying scripted things and writing "books" and living the life of a celebrity/beauty queen for grueling, frustrating, consequential work that you can't solve by merely winking into a camera?
If you think Sarah Palin is who America needs to be in the driver's seat, you're an idiot. And if you think that she herself seriously wants to become president, you're an idiot too. She will squeeze 10-20 years of fame and fortune out of running/considering running, but anything more is laughable. To her own credit, she will be laughing at you all the way to the bank. But man, I'd love to get up in her 800-count Egyptian linen bedsheets.
If you think Sarah Palin is who America needs to be in the driver's seat, you're an idiot. And if you think that she herself seriously wants to become president, you're an idiot too. She will squeeze 10-20 years of fame and fortune out of running/considering running, but anything more is laughable. To her own credit, she will be laughing at you all the way to the bank. But man, I'd love to get up in her 800-count Egyptian linen bedsheets.
It's a Dog Eat Pussy World
One time while in high school I went out in a boat with a girl, who found herself promptly sitting on my face with me eating out that sweet stuff. She had also brought along the family dog. I do not know why (maybe to film?) Anyways, I also had an ingrown toenail that had become infected, and in the midst of my amorous tongue-ministrations began to perceive the dog doing the same to my toe. My girl was facing forward so she did not see what the dog was doing; I quickly asked myself if I should stop to shoo the dog. A quick calculation of the odds of this "killing the mood" and screeching our teenage passions to a halt gave me the answer: hell no.I have provided a picture of where this happened, marked by an X. You're welcome.
You're Probably Stupid
I agree with TNC:
Moreso, of course the GOP is gambling that there are enough voters out there that are stupid enough to let themselves get wrapped up in stupid things enough as to affect elections. Congressmen have to act stupid and say stupid things to get on the good side of stupid people, especially in the heart of the "He's Dumb Like Me, I Could Have a Beer with Him So He Gets My Vote" Golden Age we have found orselves in. Maybe it works for a while, maybe it doesn't, but in the end it's gong to take one of these stupid people getting his head out of his ass and realizing that his own life is getting shittier and shittier, while the politicians that have led him around by the nose via these stupid things is getting richer and richer, to change course. That person has to explain it to another stupid person (who would only accept such thinking from another stupid person and not left-wing elitists or that evil left-wing media), who passes it onto another stupid person and on and on, until the sun shines through and stupidity no longer is a virtue for leadership.
Heh. The GOP is now haunted by birthers. I think this is what happens when you only fulfill half of your duty as a leader. Surely part of it is to represent your folks. But another part of it is to protect them from the mob mentality. But when you actively cultivate Schiavo, "intelligent" design, Confederate Flags, and homophobia, I'm not sure what you expect.
Moreso, of course the GOP is gambling that there are enough voters out there that are stupid enough to let themselves get wrapped up in stupid things enough as to affect elections. Congressmen have to act stupid and say stupid things to get on the good side of stupid people, especially in the heart of the "He's Dumb Like Me, I Could Have a Beer with Him So He Gets My Vote" Golden Age we have found orselves in. Maybe it works for a while, maybe it doesn't, but in the end it's gong to take one of these stupid people getting his head out of his ass and realizing that his own life is getting shittier and shittier, while the politicians that have led him around by the nose via these stupid things is getting richer and richer, to change course. That person has to explain it to another stupid person (who would only accept such thinking from another stupid person and not left-wing elitists or that evil left-wing media), who passes it onto another stupid person and on and on, until the sun shines through and stupidity no longer is a virtue for leadership.
Blue Dogs
Sniffin' Palin
Her parting words Sunday included a parting shot at the media:
"So how about in honor of the American soldier, ya quit making up things.
I think it's cool that Palin can throw the honor of American soldiers in front of her whenever it's convenient for her own defense (here it's because of the thousands of times the evil media weren't talented enough to make her sound brilliant every time she opened her mouth.) Now other mothers of soldiers can do the same, all while ditching their own jobs to go be-bopping all over the country talking on tv and selling "books." She
Almost Good
The Sports Guy thinks Almost Famous is the defining movie of this decade. I've watched it a million times, it's got great rewatchability, but I can't say for one second that it's a GREAT movie...also, how can a movie be the decade's definitive one if it takes place in a different decade than than the one during which it comes out?
Then again, I can't say I can think of another movie to stake claim to the "Definitive Movie of the Decade" title. Drawing a blank. This one might come close, I dunno; as I once said HERE:
The entire movie's like that; as soon as you start thinking "hey, this is a great flick," it undermines itself with a cornball line.
Then again, I can't say I can think of another movie to stake claim to the "Definitive Movie of the Decade" title. Drawing a blank. This one might come close, I dunno; as I once said HERE:
The Tiny Dancer scene in Almost Famous is an ALMOST perfect scene - every movement and head turn is perfect, it's perfect how the verses go one more verse than you expect; even down to the number of times the bass player hits Billy Crudup's shoulder at the end. You can feel that early-morning bad feeling roll off everybody's face. Awesome.
EXCEPT.
The greatness of the scene gets COMPLETELY undermined by the ridiculous corniness of the "you are home" nonsense with the kid and Kate Hudson. Sucks the life outta the whole gotdam thing. Was on track to getting put up with the Sister Christian scene in Boogie Nights, but blows it. Grrrr.
The entire movie's like that; as soon as you start thinking "hey, this is a great flick," it undermines itself with a cornball line.
Poor Man Wanna Be Rich, Rich Man Wanna Be King, and the King Ain't Satisfied Til He Rules Everything
So I guess Bush & Cheney wanted to "test the Constitution" and see if they could stretch their already prodigious powers to include using the military to invade the suburbs of Buffalo. Somewhere, right now, John McCain is saying "We're all Buffalo suburbanites now" with steely eyes into a tv camera.
Anyway, it's telling that here you have the most powerful man in the world and his sidekick, and yet they were anxious to poke and push for even more power, even if nobody was really sure how legal it would be, in an endless search to once and for all claim boundless rule and power. Which, of course, goes directly against the reason America was invented in the first place. Awesome.
Anyway, it's telling that here you have the most powerful man in the world and his sidekick, and yet they were anxious to poke and push for even more power, even if nobody was really sure how legal it would be, in an endless search to once and for all claim boundless rule and power. Which, of course, goes directly against the reason America was invented in the first place. Awesome.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The Gates Police Report
Is HERE.
First of all, "I'll talk to your mama" line is awesome. I'm gonna use that next time I get arrested (prolly for brandishing a concealed weapon...in my pants!!!!...everybody gettin this penis innuendo? anyone?)
But I don't understand his door being "unsecurable." If it wasn't able to be secured, why would he have had to break in?
I will not rest until I've solved this case!!!
I'm just kidding. I'm tired of talking about it already. I'm actually embarrassed I just spent three minutes over at The Smoking Gun. Fucking christ.
First of all, "I'll talk to your mama" line is awesome. I'm gonna use that next time I get arrested (prolly for brandishing a concealed weapon...in my pants!!!!...everybody gettin this penis innuendo? anyone?)
But I don't understand his door being "unsecurable." If it wasn't able to be secured, why would he have had to break in?
I will not rest until I've solved this case!!!
I'm just kidding. I'm tired of talking about it already. I'm actually embarrassed I just spent three minutes over at The Smoking Gun. Fucking christ.
Biscuits
Lotta talk about biscuits over here. I would make out with Sherri Shepherd if it meant a box of fucking biscuits from Bojangles would appear in my lap. Of course, ironically, I would hafta eat the biscuits to have the strength to wrestle them away from her fat jaws of death. Sigh. Ironic cycle of futility, I guess ("I can't get the job without the training, and I can't get the training without the job!")
I feel this is an opportune time to debut my new "talk to the hand" dismissal phrase: "Aw, go stick your dick in a biscuit." To be said like awwwwwgostigyadiginnabiscuit. You're welcome, America.
Speaking of Fatty from The View, she just said something odd: "I'm having a hard time finding a bathing suit that is slimming." Which is weird, cause I'd almost swear I just saw a headline that read "New line of women's bathing suits made out of magic!" Poor thing :(
Oh yeah, she also said that she's having a hard time "fighting celibacy." I can see her problem, as her only weapons are 200 extra pounds of flab and believing that the Earth is flat. Hang in there, Sherri! Stay strong!
I feel this is an opportune time to debut my new "talk to the hand" dismissal phrase: "Aw, go stick your dick in a biscuit." To be said like awwwwwgostigyadiginnabiscuit. You're welcome, America.
Speaking of Fatty from The View, she just said something odd: "I'm having a hard time finding a bathing suit that is slimming." Which is weird, cause I'd almost swear I just saw a headline that read "New line of women's bathing suits made out of magic!" Poor thing :(
Oh yeah, she also said that she's having a hard time "fighting celibacy." I can see her problem, as her only weapons are 200 extra pounds of flab and believing that the Earth is flat. Hang in there, Sherri! Stay strong!
Holy Fershizzle
Replace that ketchup with mayo, and this is my shit. (popping Anal Encounters V out)
More Gates
It appears the officer who arrested Gates teaches a class to other cops on how to avoid racial profiling. Which, to me, makes what he did DOUBLY STUPID. He shouldv'e just said "I fucked up, what an idiot" from Day 1. No matter what, there will be a number of people that will call him a racist anyway; digging in and prolonging things only serve to make the rest wonder. Personally, I'm no more liable to assume that any cop is some profiling racist any more than I am to assume any black dude near a nice house must be looking to break into it. I wonder what quotas have to do with these things? (popping in Anal Encounters V)
Porn & Lying (Two of My Favorite Things)
This post on porn and lying reminds me of when my college girlfriend found Anal Encounters IV in my bookbag, and tearfully asked if I had already seen the first three. Sigh.
And yes, I know what you're thinking - what the fuck was that ungrateful bitch doing going through my goddam bookbag?!??!?!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I'll Be Honest
I think the sooner I accept the fact that women couldn't give two shits about me, the better off I'll be.
I'll Be Honest
I lived in my childhood home from 1976-1990. 14 years.
I am now in my 11th year in my current home, a loft share of retarded adolescence.
If I hit 14 years here, I may just hafta hang myself in the fucking shower.* Jesus christ.
*If you see me buying a Heather Thomas shower curtain, you'll know it's happening.
I am now in my 11th year in my current home, a loft share of retarded adolescence.
If I hit 14 years here, I may just hafta hang myself in the fucking shower.* Jesus christ.
*If you see me buying a Heather Thomas shower curtain, you'll know it's happening.
Sanderson
I live on Planet Earth, so I would never question the validity of Derek Jeter being called a "clutch" player. He seemingly spent his teen years playing in huge playoff games, making plays that will live longer than any of us, maybe the game itself (Mr. November, Giambi flip, etc etc) But on a hunch I just looked up the numbers:
Regular Season Career BA: .316
Postseason Career BA: .309
Post-season, clutch hitting is made up of moments, not numbers. But still. A drop in BA tends to make people think a player is feeling the heat a bit, no?
DJ's a player for all time. Just sayin, there's a weird point in sports where numbers and perception ignore each other (I'm sure everyone has their own examples of this?)
Regular Season Career BA: .316
Postseason Career BA: .309
Post-season, clutch hitting is made up of moments, not numbers. But still. A drop in BA tends to make people think a player is feeling the heat a bit, no?
DJ's a player for all time. Just sayin, there's a weird point in sports where numbers and perception ignore each other (I'm sure everyone has their own examples of this?)
Luck (Memories)
Last year I lamented my never being lucky, until I happened to hit Fast Time at Ridgemont High at the exact best moment HERE. Then this morning I flipped onto Clifford at the exact moment the best scene was coming on, the one where...aw hell, let's let these handsome fellahs show you the one :)
The Godfathah
Like his father, I assume Big Bear will be an Orioles fan - hell, he's already got the hat, that's half the battle with kids. So I would declare my loyalty to my godson as being such that should, god forbid, something awful happen to his parents (feels like a tainted mayo incident, doesn't it? "Ugh, something's wrong with this deviled egg...something's not right." "Really? Let me try one!" boom! dead) and I need to raise him myself, I will toss aside my beloved Yankees and be an Orioles fan so we can watch the games every evening in solidarity.
Notarized, witnessed, stamped.
Obviously, this is a worst-case scenario; I'm not sneaking into their house and leaving the mayo out in the heat for hours, returning it to the fridge when the sun comes up or nothin. Camon.
Seriously - Where the Fuck are My Pants?
The cop from the Prof. Gates non-case is refusing to say "hey you know what, I fucked up, I'm sorry." The more he digs in, the more of a chance he will be labeled a racist. Not thinking of course that while we pretend we abhor racists, Americans LOOOOOOVE:
1) people who apologize and act contrite in front of a camera
2) people who are stupid
Of course, we also might wanna do like this guy says and ask questions about racism that affects black people who aren't buddies with the president. You know, niggers.
I of course recuse myself, as I do not see color. Or shapes. Or anything else about 8 beers from now. Right now, my pants.
1) people who apologize and act contrite in front of a camera
2) people who are stupid
Of course, we also might wanna do like this guy says and ask questions about racism that affects black people who aren't buddies with the president. You know, niggers.
I of course recuse myself, as I do not see color. Or shapes. Or anything else about 8 beers from now. Right now, my pants.
The Birthers
I would say that if someone can somehow survive a 2-year outrageously intrusive vetting process and still fool us into thinking he or she is a citizen of this country when in fact they are not, then that's the person I want to be president. Cause I'm guessing they're the smartest person in the room. Unless the dude that invented doggy-style is in the room. He's pretty smart too.
The Guy That Arrested Prof. Gates Can't Be a Racist....
...cause one time, at band camp, he made out with a black dude:
Those actions, Crowley told the Boston Herald, include giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to former Boston Celtics star Reggie Lewis, who suffered a fatal heart attack in 1993 at Brandeis University when Crowley was a campus cop.
"I wasn't working on Reggie Lewis the basketball star. I wasn't working on a black man," Crowley told the Boston Herald. "I was working on another human being."
The Erin Andrews Sex Tape (I've Had Sexier Porn Fall Outta the corner of Mouth)
I'm sorry if Erin Andrews feels violated, but I think that's what happens when a sports channel decides to start hiring a disproportionate high amount of young, smoking hot women as reporters instead of old, grizzly, paunchy ex-players. Yes I'm sure she's well-qualified and knows her sports, but she was chosen over, say, Randy White, for a single reason: S E X. Period. Yeah there's nekkid film of her floating around, but if you think for one second ESPN is upset about it you're an idiot.
I've screamed about this on Xmastime a thousand fucking times, including HERE.
I've screamed about this on Xmastime a thousand fucking times, including HERE.
Just like my beef with sideline reporters – I’m not saying they’re not qualified, but can I go through 15 minutes of a football game without some young, perky blond on the sidelines yammering? IT’S A FOOTBALL GAME – gimme some old, ornery cuss barking shit at me. Thousands of retired football players out there, and I'm sitting there listening to someone whose proximity to actually playing the game can be measured in how big her high school boyfriend's dick was? Camon. My life in general throughout any given day is ruled by thinking of how I’m gonna see my next naked chick – can I get a fucking break during the Food Channel? And football? Please?
POLITICS: (n) taking money to completely fuck over the very people you’re using the money to get to vote for you.
I would think the best thing to do would be to pass a healthcare bill that is really awesome - that way people feel good about a bill you helped pass, which would be very useful re: getting elected. You're still in office, and people have healthcare. Everybody's happy.
But yeah, I guess just getting a bunch of fucking money instead is cool too. Awesome.
But yeah, I guess just getting a bunch of fucking money instead is cool too. Awesome.
"Stupid" Is Actually a Good Word For It
My dad was a cop, so I reflexively take the defense on a lot of the famous "cop shoots dude with 7499 bullets" cases throughout the years - not that I actually agree with the cop in any of these instances, but I try to understand what makes shit like that happen from the perspective of knowing that cops are people, not machines.
Of course I can't say I'm really proud of how the cops acted in the Gates "break-in" case, I feel a simple "calm the fuck down old man, sorry" would've sufficed; but I'm REALLY not proud that someone has probably already mentioned to Gates hey, at least you're lucky you didn't get the cop who killed a guy for asking him to get off his stoop, and they'd be right. So.
Of course I can't say I'm really proud of how the cops acted in the Gates "break-in" case, I feel a simple "calm the fuck down old man, sorry" would've sufficed; but I'm REALLY not proud that someone has probably already mentioned to Gates hey, at least you're lucky you didn't get the cop who killed a guy for asking him to get off his stoop, and they'd be right. So.
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Women. 2009.
I'm not surprised Jon Stewart finished the poll in first place, but I am surprised Katie Couric finished so far behind in last place. I thought when it came to this stuff, women were to be instinctively trusted due to their softening, honest natures. Does this map finally expose women for what they truly are: cum-guzzling, cock-craving cheating whores who are not to be trusted at any time? Innteresting to ponder, no?
ps - still single if anyone knows anybody who's looking! thanks!
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