My Last Posts of Each Year

2005:

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Things are Good, Part II

1) When young Muslim dudes are told about the 72 virgins in paradise that are waiting for them after they’ve committed suicide, doesn't it occur to them to wonder why EVERY guy hasn't done it? I would think I'd immediately ask the guy that told me about the wondrous heaven that awaits me "Well, why don't you do it, then?" "Nah", he probably says "You go on, get to heaven where there's 72 virgins and no line at the Shoney's buffet waiting for you...I'm cool here in the scorching desert, drinking my own urine waiting for US soldiers to come torture me."

2) Where'd they get the number 72 from? Does anyone know this? And really, is there anything worse than 72 VIRGINS??!? Oh, goody. 72 chicks to not want you to see them naked, to not talk dirty, and will bleed all over your silk Star Wars bedsheets. Great.

3) After you've done each of them once, they're no longer virgins - then what happens? Is that all you get? Therein, when you're deciding whether or not to be a suicide bomber, wouldn't it be a game of calculating whether or not you'd have sex 72 times in your life or not? Or do they become 72 "girlfriends"? I'd break them into little teams, have them do events to entertain me. "Heather? Yeah, she's on the Bears...volleyball champs, and they give great head..."

4) I've noticed that when you go to bars carrying a 15-lb country ham, all of a sudden girls walk right up and talk to you. Interesting.

5) A moment of silence for Jon Spencer, Leo McGarry from "The West Wing." I only remember him in one other role, some ref in "Forget Paris", but I have no problems imagining that Leo was the role of his lifetime. If he had shown up on CNN as the real Chief of Staff I wouldn't have batted an eye. Leo, we will miss you.

6) My friend Kirk and I are compiling a list of hot celebrities that have not slept with him. So far we have Alicia Silverstone, Denise Rich and Heather Thomas. Will keep you posted.

7) Where did the myth about sexy, slutty flight attendants begin? The stereotype is of gorgeous horny babes banging dudes at every layover. I don't fly a lot, but every time I do the attendant is usually, if not a flaming dude, some spinster who weighs in at 400lbs. She's out of breath while showing us what to do in case we crash, and constantly scraping my shoulder with her fat ass every time she squeezes by. What the fuck.

8) If Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie wanted to get into a fight over who gets to make me a pitcher of iced tea, I probably would not stop them.

9) Because my hands would be wrapped around my penis, flailing away.

10) And by "Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie", I mean "any women on earth"

11) Ladies: after you've received your change from the cashier, step aside and let the next person do his transaction. Don't stand there in front of the line carefully placing your fucking change in your purse and closing it all up nicely and neatly and then putting on your fucking gloves and scarf while we all stand there staring at you, including the cashier, you stupid fuck. Get your change, step aside to do your fucking banking, bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12) In high school, I used to dream of standing at one end of the hallway between classes, and then barreling through everyone bowling-ball style.

13) Why does Coca-Cola spend $1 billion a year on advertising? Who on the planet is not aware of Coke? Take the one billion and do something useful. I'm stepping over homeless people with AIDS everyday, but at least I can't swing my dick around without hitting a Coke ad. Christ.

14) I have 11 days to learn the robot to fulfill my 2005 New Years Resolution. I might be in trouble.

2006:

My 2007 Resolutions

1) Learn the robot. I mean it this time. Said I’d do it in 2005, didn’t get it done, got scared in 2006 and backed away from it. But guess what? By this time in 2007, I will be poppin n lockin.

2) Go on an actual date with a woman. And by this I don’t mean "show up at a bar, wait for a girl to get shitfaced enough to blow me in the bathroom while I scream about the new gotdammed internet jukeboxes, and lets me cum in her hair." Actually, scratch that….that would abe fucking awesome. Forget the date.

3) Track down the mf who invented pineapple and ham pizza, club him to death with a baby seal.

4) Have a baby seal sausages cookout.

5) Spread the word to every girl I know, see or meet that you know what, yeah, you DO look fat.

7) If I don’t start softening my stool soon, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.

9) Invent a toothpaste that tastes like pussy. But not great pussy; I don’t wanna spend all fucking day brushing my dick.

10) Learn Chinese. Seriously, those fuckers are up to something.

12) I’d like to walk into a room and receive a long, loud slow-clap from the crowd. Just once.

13) For having a humungous dick.

14) With Jessica Alba attached to it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 2007:

My Haircut

While down home for Christmas last week I went into town and got my hair cut. Now, if I've had my hair cut 75 times in my life, prolly 72 of them were cut by a man. No funny business, buzz buzz buzz on and off the chair in ten minutes. Tho when I was a kid the wait would be about 3 hours - on Saturday morning my dad would drop my brother and I off at Jimmy the Barber's for our haircuts, loudly proclaiming to Jimmy each time "Jimmy, I want them to have BOY haircuts." I don't know what he was scared of; I never once heard of Jimmy pissing off a father in town by giving a kid a beehive or something. Not once did I hear Jimmy look at a young buck and say "I'm gonna cut your hair like Strawberry Shortcake!" Then my brother and I would sit amongst the dozen or so 50 year old farmers in there, reading Reader's Digest while the old codgers shot the shit about tractors and crops and other shit we had no idea what they were talking about. After about three hours of waiting you'd get waved over to the chair by Jimmy (until I went to college I thought his last name was in fact "Thebarber") who would chop it all off in about 17 seconds, all while getting in what was a clinic on small talk "how you boys been playing ball this year how the team lookin saw your daddy rollin over battery the other day yeah he's a good ol boy which one are you, part or no part whatchu say whatchu say bout it boy" BAM! taking off the shower curtain wrapped round your neck, you're outta the chair. I'd wonder what went on over at some girl named Robin's shop, where all my rich friends got their hair cut. Sorry, styled. I'd picture over at Robin's there's a real-life Pizza Hut buffet set up while girls in pajamas would come over and dance along to J. Geil's "Centerfold", wildly applauding each snip of the scissors and spreading all the 5th grade gossip while dancing the watusi and eating baby egg rolls. Meanwhile I'm sitting for three hours listening to Field & Stream come to life during mudbogging season, each old cuss more ornery than the last re: what pussies the military has become, unlike when they were fighting the Japs outfitted with only some shoestring and the knowledge of the difference between right (us/jesus) and wrong (them/slant-eyed jesus.)

My developmental haircut experiences having been so testosterone-heavy, I followed suit everywhere I moved to afterwards, seeking out the most old-school mf I could find. Culminating with my guy in Brooklyn now - been there since 1960 and is prolly the last standing barrier between myself and my paying double digits for a haircut (shudder to think.) Also, a side note: during my haircut career as a kid, Jimmy the Barber got married maybe 76 times. I'm not even kidding, every other fucking time you'd try to go by his shop there'd be a sign on the door "GONE ON HONEYMOON, BACK NEXT WEEK." And what do you know, the next time you'd be there during lunchtime some new woman would breeze in with a bag lunch for him, give him a big sloppy kiss on the lips and leave him beaming. Man. Cap. Doffed.

Anyways, so I found myself going into town and into the Hair Cuttery or whatever the fuck it is, and next thing you know I'm having my scalp rubbed by some woman. Alright I think, no big deal. I tell her what I want and she's relieved cause it bascially let's her turn her brain off for ten minutes while plowing my cephalic fields. So she gets done quick, I'm almost out of the chair, when she turns to me and asks me something I've never heard anyone ask me before:

"Trim the eyebrows?"

Whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt???!!!!!! I clenched up as if I had dropped the soap in Clay Aiken Shower Camp - trim eyebrows? What the fuck? Now, no one's more of a pussy liberal bleeding heart pansy than me, but trimming my eyebrows, I'm sorry, I'm not fucking ready to go there just yet. She might as well have asked me to run through town screaming "I love my dead gay son!!!" Plus, I didn't know how much extra that would cost - I was already pissed my 6 minute haircut was costing me $12, for all I know trimming eyebrows is another, oh, $34 or some such. What the fuck. So I quickly demured and got out of the chair, paid for my haircut and left. And yes, like clockwork I've spent the last 121 hours obsessing "do my eyebrows NEED trimming? whats wrong with my eyebrows? did I completely miss the boat on the eyebrow thing? I got an eyebrow problem?..." thanks Hair Cuttery girl. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!










"...alright alright, let's see, let's see....whoa! Larry, I gotta tell ya, your eyebrows...she did a great job! Fucking awesome, bro!"

2008:

 
Xmastime 2008 Memories (Podcast Episode)

2008 New Years Holiday, Moving to NYC
1/2/2008

Artist of the Decade Update

And oh yeah, just for shits n giggles he played the Super Bowl, and had the best press conference evah.

It's yet another reason I love Bruce so much. 90% of today's bands would've sat there trying to be moody/ironic/trying to out-loser each other in the "who got beat up by the jocks the most?" sweepstakes. Not Bruce. Dude comes shooting out of a cannon, so old-school, as if he's training for a summer tour in the Catskills. In 23 minutes he gets off 8,934 jokes, of which 3 actually get a laugh (other than Bruce himself, I mean.) But he keeps trying, throwing them out there "Zim-ZAM How we doing, Tampa!!" I fucking love it.

Artist of the Decade

I know as a huge fan of his I am biased, but I cannot list anybody above Bruce Springsteen for "Artist of the Decade," but by virtue of the quality of his work and his sheer omnipresence. Since turning 50 ten years ago, he has released THE 9/11 album (The Rising), an acoustic-y shuffling album that lent itself to playing things such as accordions and pump organs along with having THE Iraq War song (Devils & Dust), an album of dust bowl covers that saw him on the road with about 400 other players and looked and felt like a carnival in 1932 (The Seeger Sessions), and the best Big Star/Beach Boys album in 30+ years (Magic.) The only "meh" album being his last one, Working on a Dream; all the others are stunning not only in their quality, but their diversity in taste/sound/concept.

And along the way he played about 2000 shows, stumped tirelessly for Kerry and Obama, played at the most historical inaugaration in 200 years, and you seemingly couldn't enter the rock hall of fame without Bruce giving the speech for you. And he won 913 Grammys. Whatever that means. AND while having a songbook that goes back 35+ years, he has released two songs this decade that are in my Bruce Hall of Fame (The Rising, Girls in their Summer Clothes.) Which I see as pretty amazing.

And I won't even mention when me & Op met him, cause that's just not the kind of shit I talk about. That's private, I just don't do that kinda thing.

Paul Westerberg

is 50 years old today.

Comic Books are Fucking Gay

Matt Yglesias mentions something HERE that caught my eye:

I’m not sure what’s led people to get confused about this—I think maybe people have decided that the use of a darker color pallet makes Dark Knight more serious, which is itself a lot sillier than using bright colors in your comic book adaptation. Dark Knight isn’t even as good as Batman Begins!

Other than Fantastic Four, thanks to my dick's tv guide radar via Jessica Alba, I have not seen any of the many comic book adaptation movies. But one thing I've learned about The Dark Knight is that anyone who watches it is physically unable to talk about it without going on and on about how "dark" and "serious" it is. Try this with the next person you see - ask about The Dark Knight, and see how long they can go without remarking on how "dark and brooding" the movie is.  I suppose the exact opposite would be The Family Guy doing War and Peace. I do not know why people are so compelled to try to convince everybody they see how serious these movies are. Though I suspect it has something to do with feeling foolish about being an adult who's watching a movie based on a children's picture book that features a dude dressing up in tights fighting jokers and riddlers and penguins.

Bush in the Aughts

One remarkable thing about this past decade is that for about 80% of it, George Bush was at the helm of the ship. And while it's easy to list the many, many, MANY horrific things he did to the USA I prefer to remark on the things he did get right, such as saving the institute of marriage by making it financially impossible for people to divorce with clear, rational thinking and moving, conservative compassion; or making sure the free market we all love and cherish remains unfettered by sludgy, momentum-crushing regulation ironically leading to more and more porn despite his "close relationship" to Jesus, who presumably hates nudity.

But perhaps most remarkable is that it took George Bush to finally move Bruce from his "I will not publicly endorse a candidate, even though if you're not an olive loaf you can prolly figure out whom I'll be voting for" stance to one of "dear God, I will come to your fucking house and play a 4-hour show if it means you will vote this motherfucker out of office." Remarkable.

Headlines That Would Actually Be Newsworthy if One Word Was Changed

Newest Real World Mrs. Xmastime: Emily?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XLI

Senior Year

I just found out Dane Cook was born on the exact same day as my high school girlfriend. I guess it's kinda refreshing to find out she wasn't THE least funny person born on that day.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XL

The Manny Tapes

The end of the school year when I was a little kid was a bittersweet time - of course anybody's happy to not hafta go to school, but summer meant three things: extreme heat, an endless series of chores, and not seeing my friends. Yes, I was lucky to have Brothatime!!, but while I look back now and see it as lucky, it didn't always feel that way at the time.

Bittersweet is also the way I feel about Thursday being my last day as a Manny. We've both graduated and it's time to move on and I'm happy to have had such an experience, but I'm also sad to not have that day-to-day routine with Short Bus. We had great times and field trips and big moments, but sometimes it's the daily nothingness I think about, just sitting there for hours doing nothing but everything at once. Things that are earth-shattering one moment, forgotten the next. All the "first times" of his that we shared together on any random Wednesday afternoon, the hundreds of hours we spent together in our own world.

Ah well. Senior Year.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXIX

Confidence Is...

...changing a diaper on a white sofa.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXVIII

A Gift from Xmastime

Guys generally don't give a shit when one of their buddies is about to go on a first date with some girl, other than hearing any late-night boudoire heroics later on. And they certainly don't give a shit whenever one of their girl friends go on first dates, hell, that's just some random dude we don't even know that might be getting lucky later on, so who cares.

But girls are different - the only thing that gets a girl as excited as going on a first date is when ANYONE ELSE is going on a first date. And if you're a dude, and you let it slip that you really like the girl you're about to go on a date with and offer yourself up to help, your girl friends will go fucking bananas trying to help you. Hell, if I mentioned I was going on a date the whole goddam neighborhood would shut down, everybody giddily chirping in with advice re: what to wear, where to go, reminding me Sangria is a summer drink etc etc.

So a plan of genius entered my mind yesterday. Fellas, this one's just between us - any girls reading this, go do some fingerblasting, or read a book about vampires, whatevs. This is for the fellas only...okay, all the chicks gone? Cool.

Nothing gets a girl gushing like some dude nervous about going on a date - think the world's greatest sleepover pillow fights times cotton candy. So how do we use this to our advantage so that we get a chance with THE VERY GIRL THAT IS OOOING AND COOING??!!!!!

Simple. Write this down:

Step 1: find a restaurant where you're particularly smitten with a waitress or hostess. This is NYC, there are a million of hot, young waitress et al working at restaurants, if you can't find one to make mix tapes for then you're probably gay. Also, if possible, make it as pricey/swanky a joint as possible (I will explain shortly.)

Step 2: without being a stalker, figure out which night she's working. Orchestrate any reservations if needed so you're at your target's hopeful lady friend's table.

Step 3: brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on a nice suit, spray on some Canoe cologne and just before dinner service that night, approach her and ask if she could help you with something. It's very important you act VERY nervous yet excited!! Yes, under normal circumstances women want confidence, but in this one and only situation you wanna appear nervous. Tell her you have a date at her table in an hour, and nervously ramble on for a minute or so about how you just met this girl, you're crazy about her, and you're so nervous about everything being perfect yada yada yada that you wanted to show up beforehand and meet the waitress to get on the same page - use your imagination and work out something with her re: her suddenly appearing with flowers, or a gift, whatever (I can't do ALL the thinking for you.) Some special, small touch that let's her know how romantic you are. At this point the girl will be THRILLED to be on Team You, touched by how nervously excited you are about being with this girl on a date - like a single girl at a wedding reception, she will be overwhelmed with the scent of true romance in the air, and will quickly agree to help you out, making sure everything is perfect, all while being knocked out and surprised that a guy would go to such efforts to please his lady friend on a date. Remember, this girl is probably used to seeing things from the other side - the braying Wall Street dude throwing money at her, talking about his Porsche; your performance will give her hope that some dude would someday do the same for her. She is in on the secret of love, and more than happy to be a part of it. Remember: act nervous, excited, touching.

Step 4 - show up for the "date" alone. She will come to the table beaming, knowing she in on the first whiffs of true love, and will be excited for you. You wipe some sweat off your brow, say "wish me luck!" and then say that your date should be here any minute.

Step 5 - ohoh. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Your date is not here. Your partner in love is now walking through the dining room giving you worried looks - which do not compare to the look of devastation that is growing on your face with each minute. Tip: keep looking at your phone, hopeful for a message. Even better tip: each time the door opens, swing your head towards it with an excited, hopeful look (NOT a "where the fuck have you been??!" look.)

Step 6 - it's been an hour. You are crushed. And the waitress is crushed right along with you. She cannot believe what kind of monster could do such a thing to such a sweetheart like yourself, a guy that went through so much trouble, a guy who was so real and genuine with his excitement about being with this (now surely cruel) girl. (This is why you try to choose as pricey a restaurant as possible - you've given the IMPRESSION of being happy to pay top-price for a meal in the name of romance WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO!!!!)

Step 7 - it's been 90 minutes now. Slowly get up, accepting defeat. Slowly put on your jacket, the waitress is now so worried about you that she asks what you plan on doing right now. You're despondent, kinda shuffling around, finally you say I dunno, maybe go for a long walk, think about things. Slip in an "I don't really wanna go home right now, all alone." At this moment she will put her hand on your arm and say that she gets off in however many hours, and why don't you meet her afterwards around the corner for a drink? You agree. "Okay, sure, I guess so..." VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT IN ANY WAY EVEN REMOTELY CONVEY THAT YOU THINK OF THIS PERSON AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CONFIDANTE!!!!!! No sexy looks, no "charm," nothing - you are crushed by love!!! She's aching to fly in and save the wounded sparrow!!! Now she spends the next 4 hours telling everybody in the kitchen about what a great guy you are, what a bitch this girl was, etc etc. By the time she meets you at the bar (at which you have NOT been pounding drinks!!!) she has worked up in her own head what an amazing guy you must be, and is all set to fall; you'll be sharing the Sunday New York Times over an ecláir within a week.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Love,
XMASTIME

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXVII

Ted Kennedy Funeral 4

Yo-Yo Ma playing the cello. How original. Wouldn't it be amazing if as a practical joke Teddy had insisted that he loved Poison, and demanded that Bret Michaels play Every Rose Has It's Thorns at his funeral? Drawn-out, super-serious 19 minute version, not a dry eye in the house. Congressmen would be so knocked out by Teddy's balls in doing this they'd finally say fuck it, we'll give him the healthcare thing.

Xmastime's Favorite TV Shows of the Decade (That He Can Think of Right Now)

The Office (US version. YES, I know the British one is better, but I have not seen it. YES, I realize this makes you a better person than me. Consider yourself patted on the back for being amazing.)
The West Wing
Extras
Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay (UK)
Gordon Ramsay's The F Word
Friday Night Lights
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Mad Men
The Sopranos
Good Eats
America's Test Kitchen
Failure is Not an Option
Any of the great cooking shows before the Food Network started blowing (Emeril, Sara Moulton, Mario Batali)
Those paradise food shows on Travel Channel (Hamburger Paradise, Hot Dog Paradise etc)
The Pioneers of Television

Xmastime's Movie of the Decade

Xmastime's Song of the Decade

Xmastime's Album of the Decade

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXVI

Dinnertime!!

For years whenever we'd visit each other and go out to dinner Brothatime!! would pay - he had a riff about me slowly pulling out the same dusty $20 attached by rubber band to my pocket before he'd wave me off, "I got it." Now that I work for a living have more money than a normal person can wrap his or her head around, I like to be Mr. Big Man and grab the bill when it comes.

Coupla weeks ago he, Mrs. Brothatime!!, Paddy Mac and Sistatime! and I were all back in our hometown having dinner; when the bill came I reached over to pick up the bill, ready to do my "don't insult me, put your money away!" routine while refusing to disclose the total - but while doing so, Sistatime! got a look at the number.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" she starts blaring, "$50???!?!?!?" I smile smugly, ready to breathe in the fumes re: how expensive the meal was as well as how casually and without worry I picked up such a hefty bill.

"$50??!?" she keeps going, "that's IT?? $50, for dinner? for everybody? Ohmygod, that's so cheap! That's NOTHING!! Wow!! That's NOTHING!!"

Sigh. I can't win.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXV

This Is What I've Come To

I am seriously considering putting “4-Time Little League All-Star” on my resume.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXIV

Xmastime's Celebrity Titty Scramble

Who am I?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXIII

Quiz: Which Headline Can Be Answered with "Yeah, No Shit"?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXII

Heigl II

I went over my "doubts" re: someone as hot as Katherine Heigl letting someone who looks like Seth Rogan up in her guts without sodium penthol HERE. Then I'm flipping around last night, and it turns out there's a scene later in the flick where they're fucking AGAIN, this time as she's pregnant, and he freaks out cause he feels the baby kicking and pulls out to stop the relations. Cause he felt the goddam thing kick.


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????! If I look like a turd with hair and yet Katherine Heigl is still letting me fuck her, that kid could wander out and check my gotdam prostate, and I ain't stopping. For fuck's sake. Wtf?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXI

14

You wouldn't think it'd be easy to connect Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps with Ovarian gold medalist Octomom, but you can.

Both became famous for procuring 8 of something - he gold medals, she future douchebags. But what we always forget is both of them had already had exactly SIX of their respective thing!! Very weird to me. Coincidental. Like the fact that both of them cannot sink in water - him because his freakish ability to swim like a fish, her because of her ridiculous lips. Creepy.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXX

Plans I Make

I think I wanna start eating Grape Nuts. So then I can go to diners and order Grape Nuts, but call them "Great Nuts." So I can ask the waitress "How bout some Great Nuts?" or "Where's my Great Nuts?" "My Greats Nuts were awesome, thanks!" etc. "How're the Great Nuts here? Do you like Great Nuts? Do you want some of my Great Nuts?"

Who says I don't have dreams and goals?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXIX

Smelly Irony

I find it more than amusing that I live in a country wherein people are horrified by the thought of paying for healthcare, and yet nobody minds paying for their toilet paper to come with a fragrance. Fascinating to me.

More TP shit HERE.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXVIII

Brothatime!!

Brothatime!!!'s Top 10 pitches of Jimmy, a guy we played baseball with in high school who fancied himself a pitcher with a plethora of weapons at his disposal; all of which sucked:

Lucky for you gents, I've been going through the old memory banks about Jimmy's collection of pitches, here's my top 10:

10. Curveball – Go to, clutch pitch; batters struggled with a .764 average against this one

9. Wild Pitch – Minimal damage, never had enough velocity to make it to the backstop

8. Speed Limit – Never broke 55 mph

7. Speed Limit, Residential – Never broke 25 mph

6. Earthquake – So called because outfield fences in the NND are STILL shaking from the results of this one

5. Fastball – See #8 above

4. Radio Ball – So called because Jimmy misunderstood GC’s definition. This was a ball the fielders could hear but not see flying past them.

3. Slop ball – Never clear to me what distinguished this from the rest of them, allegedly an “out pitch”

2. The Equalizer – Made all hitters equal – to Barry Bonds

1. Three Run Triple – Come on, you knew it was coming…

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXVII

Facebook Fun!!!!

A while ago I wrote about my plan to dominate Facebook HERE:

My plan is to become a Facebook MONSTER; fucking plug in "What I'm Doing!" every other minute, and log flume quiz after quiz as fast as humanly possible ("What Beatles Song are You?" "Which of My Nuts are You?") onto every computer in the world. Quit my job and hire a coupla kids to keep up with the work, until the internet in general becomes so overstuffed with my own Facebook shit it fucking completely locks the whole shebang up, and we're back to rotary phones and dixie cups with strings.

So I've decided to jump in with one of those "HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW SOME ASSHOLE?"

with one for me. Just started, will keep yall posted when done. This is fun!!

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXVI

Asians in the AM

While out and about this morning, I noticed a proliferation of outrageously hot Asian women. All over, banging hot, scantily clad. Wtf. And then I was gonna come here and make a joke re: "and an hour later me so horny again," but I'm just not that kinda guy. I don't go for cheap laughs, or do racial stuff - it's just not me. Oh, it's not something I'll talk about myself, my own high moral standard and constant determination to do what's right, I'm not the kinda guy to pat myself on my back, but if you asked anyone who knows me they'd say "Xmastime, doing the right thing? Yeah, that's him. AND he got a rim job in high school." Just how I roll, guys. If you don't like it, move on.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXV

Note to Self

If there's nobody else in the room and you catch yourself barking like a dog, you MIGHT be drunk enough already.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXIV

Samuel Johnson: Original Gangsta?

I've never cared for rap or hip-hop. Sorry, not my thing. Yes, I know that makes me a racist. But one thing I do know is that rap and hip-hop stars like to get paid for what they do. Period. We know this cause that's what they spend a lot of their time singing about: PAY ME.

I read this just now in a Samuel Johnson biography:

After Johnson received his pension in 1762, he no longer had to write for a living, and because he held that "no man but a blockhead" ever wrote for any other reason, he produced as little as he decently could during the last 20 years of his life.

"You want me to write? PAY ME."

Obviously if he were around today, after his first million-dollar seller Johnson would have his own clothing line and record label while working on a new "scent for men." Awesome.






"Boswell passing me in the charts this week? Oh, HELL no!!!"

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXIII

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXII

Dreams Extremely Deferred

First I dreamed of finding my soul mate, my true love; building a rich life together with my best friend and lover. Then I moved on to hoping I'd find a nympho who loved maid outfits, assplay and kicked off an endless series of dangerous one-night stands. Now I find myself dreaming about drifting off to sleep to the glow of Frasier as my wife absent-mindedly gives me a handjob without bothering to put down her copy of US Weekly.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXI

Marijuana

I think we all can agree by now that unless you're a cheese doodle, marijuana is a victimless crime. Which means it even being a crime in the first place looks pretty silly at a time when a guy uses a gun, which is legal, to kill three people, all because he was scared that guns would be made illegal. Which, of course, will never happen.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XX

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money to Detroit

I touched on the Pittsburgh police shooting HERE last night, and this morning I'm reading that his paranoia re: Obama was going to come to his house and takes his guns away was indeed ratcheted up by the right wing a la Beck/Bachmann/CHUCK NORRIS et al.

First of all, I'd say to Glenn Beck et al that they should be flattered that in this day & age of the ADD-riddled channel-surfing 2-second memory span, someone listened to what you said and kept it in his head long enough to actually do something about it. I'm guessing this means you're PRETTY fucking awesome at what you do; unlike most of the country which is a buncha video game-playing couch potatoes, you got peeps out there participatin' instead of hatin'. Cap doffed.

On a more practical note - I've noticed that after they turn out the lights at Ford Field tomorrow night and the auto industry cashes it in, Detroit will be pretty much empty. Detroit in the 60's was the 4th-biggest city in the country, so I'm thinking it can be stuffed with plenty of people - why not make all these people to whom the right to own a gun is more important than life itself move to Detroit? Other than a hunting rifle IN RURAL AREAS!!!, if you wanna buy a gun that's fine, but then you gotta move to Detroit, where there will be no rules: you and your fellow gun-toters can have absolute freedom to blow away whomever you want. Massive shootings in the streets? Go for it! Make up leagues with teams who just go around shooting the fuck outta each other - in other words hey, enjoy yourself! Meanwhile the rest of us can be left alone to do less important things like create industry and jobs, have families and, you know, live our lives as a society. A win-win, n'est-pas? Plus, the irony of such right-wing gun "enthusiasts" having to live in a city originally settled by of all people the French is too good to pass up, right?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XIX

Piracy

I know I'm an asshole, but surely I'm not the only one who finds it difficult to take this whole "ship taken over by pirates" ordeal seriously because they're actually using the word "pirates," am I? You hear the work "hijacker" and you think of a sinister, swarthy guy intent on killing everybody in the name of a God that you know nothing about. But you hear "pirates" and you think "boy, that sounds like fun." I mean, you can't report on serious situations with words that we're really only used to hearing at amusement parks, right? I mean, you might as well say the ship was taken over by Yogi Bear; it's the same shit to me.







"Hey hey Boo Boo! Collect all these people's money, put it in these nice pic-a-nic baskets!"

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XVIII

Arc de Loser

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. Remember that day; remember how much the Iraqis loved us?

Well, now they fucking hate us and wish we'd get out of their lives. Quite a fascinating arc, n'est-pas? Love, now hate. In only 6 years. The only thing I can compare this sequence of events to would be walking out of The Naked Gun in the theater in 1988 remarking "boy, that OJ Simpson was fucking great, wasn't he?"

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XVII

Swine Flu

Muslims do not eat pork. And we find ourselves with a fraidy-cat socialist Muslim in the White House. And now we have the first attack on American soil during Obama's watch. I guess we hafta ask ourselves today - Obama: weak on pigs?

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XVI

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Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XV

Heavy Thoughts

The life of the male scrotum must be a conundrum, no? On one hand, it's probably thinking "gee, I'm responsible for the very seeds of human life; and yet this fucking dickhead in front of me gets to squeeze into a warm, wet pussy. Grr." But on the other hand, he also thinks "well, at least I don't hafta go through the shit this asshole behind me does."

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XIV

COBRA

Who's the wizard that decided to name a major health insurance statute after one of the most lethal animals on the planet? I mean, I know it's an acronym, but nobody could've noticed this and adjusted a bit? Do you see me naming my new gay porn collective "Always Into Dick Sucking"? No. Cause I'm not a jackass.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XIII

Dirty Talking

Last night I was fucking some chick and I said "damn baby, how's that dick feel?" She shouted back "Harder! HARDER!" I said "Okay...what's 91 times 17?"

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XII

Xmas Raps

Yeah, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah Short Stack,
I wanna split that muffin,
Lookit me beg like I'm David Ruffin
Watch me, you wanna get fatter?
I'll drop it up in you like it's pancake batter.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XI

Love

Every year, like clockwork, I spend a week paralyzed and obsessed with thinking that I'm in love with this woman, or am supposed to be but have blown it, or am blowing it. Lasts about a week, then it passes. Like dreams of success; or gas, I guess.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, X

Eternal Optimism Is

Not hooking up with a woman since about 1933, yet waking up in the morning thinking "hey, lemme scroll thru my cell, see what digits I picked up last night..."

Sigh.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, IX

Conversations You Have with a Two Year-Old

"The door is open! The door is open! The door is open!!"
"Yeah. Quit opening the fucking door."

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, VIII

I'm Always Amazing on Fridays

If the Right gets to smugly chide that Global Warning doesn't exist every time a minute goes by that isn't sweltering in DC, then I get to claim that the War on Terror doesn't exist every moment I'm not desperately fighting off some dude in a turban trying to gut me with a box cutter.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, VII

And I Wonder Why I'll Probably Die Alone

I just sat back in my chair and actually thought "boy, wouldn't it be cool if there was a stuffed animal of me?"

Sigh.

Hey Look, My Balls

 A few weeks ago I mentioned Yglesias wondering why The Great Gatsby wasn't #1 on the list of best last lines of novels; turned out I had wondered the same thing back in February. Which means, of course, I'm fucking brilliant.

Kudos to Nerdhappy for the Winnie the Pooh line in the comments!  :)

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, VI

Heavy.

If the old adage is true that I should keep my friends close and my enemies closer, then tell me something: where do I keep my frenemies? Hmm. Interesting.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, V

Strip Clubs

One thing I don't understand about strip clubs is that they all seem to have buffets in them. Who is this for? Seriously, every ad I see for a strip club there's some hot piece of ass stripped down to nothing, licking her lips in my direction like she just can't WAIT to throw her titties in my face and then the ad feels the need to remind me "oh, and while you're here you can load up on baked ziti and mashed potatoes!!" I know it's "been a while," but I distinctly remember that at no point in the last moments before beginning tenderness with a lady friend did I ever think "You know, this would be a whole lot better if I was covered in grease and completely bloated." I'd love to get the stats on how many kids are born 9 months after Thanksgiving Day, for instance. Hey strip clubs - instead of spending your money on worthless piles of food, how bout using that money to get some girls that ALREADY have their titty implants, not just "working towards them"? Grrrr.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, IV

Saint Kurt

Today is Kurt Cobain's birthday. Which I could give two shits about, other than being disappointed my "Like Kurt Cobain: a no-brainer" line has not caught on in popular lexicon as a saying. And that makes me sad :(

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, III

-a,-um, -ucked

It occurred to me earlier that the Latin word for "with" is cum. Which is funny, as it's been quite a while since I’ve cum “with” anybody. Sigh.

Hey, who said Latin couldn't be funny? (and sad.)

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, II

Oh, God

When you're pulling a nighttime babysitting job, you'd just about saw your own arm off than make a noise that wakes the kid(s) up from deep sleep. But sometimes biology demands otherwise. In short: somebody out there better fucking invent the toilet muffler. ASAP.

Great 2009 Xmastime Moments

5. Beverly Hills, 90210 - again. How is this not #1? A show that had at least 3 different “Golden Eras.” Should be preserved in a time capsule if only for giving us Valerie Malone. Proof that, as in real life, if you have at least three friends then the total numbers of times between you all that you get busted for drunk driving, raped, shot at, embroiled in a cocaine-fueled cult, caught in fires and held at gunpoint on live tv should be somewhere in the 700-750 range. Hell, and that’s just Kelly Taylor.
Mrs. Xmastimes: too many. Even Mrs. Walsh looked fuckable after a while. Abstaining. And by that I mean I've stained my abs upon issue just thinking of all the T&A in this show. (Insert "well, where my abs would be" joke here.)

2009 Fireside Memories

Don't Look Back

I'd like to do a best-of-each-month year-end wrapup like last year, but I'm probably too lazy to bother. But if I had to choose a Post of the Year, THIS ONE would be considered for sure.

Is There Nothing About Women I Don't Know?

The only thing women like to talk about as much as how fat they are is how sick they are and that they're going to the doctor. Interesting.

Received Email du Jour

"Leaving at 3pm. meet me outside and bring my vodka and my package from j--."

My Next Rap Hit

Haven't written it all, but I do know the refrain is gonna be

"Oh, yeeeeeeeeeeeeah baby girl, you gottsta let me up in that pouch."

Dating Is About to Get Tougher

It's hard enough being single; now there's yet another sexy pretty-boy out there I gotta compete with? Fucking hell. I give up.  :(

Win a Date with Xmastime!!

Santa brought me a $25 gift certificate for LOEWS Movie Theaters; to be used for tickets and/or concessions (read: bathtub filled with popcorn.) As I haven't been to a movie theater with a person over three feet tall since the late 80's, I thought this would be a good opportunity to entice a lizzady to sit in the dark with me for two hours. So I am offering a date at the movies with Xmastime to the first woman who writes in to xmastimer@gmail.com stating her case.

WARNING:

1) I am the worst person to go to a movie because I talk pretty much the entire time; both in "riffing" at what's happening onscreen, and then asking you what I missed while "riffing." I'm pretty sure it's exhausting to watch a movie with me.

2) I wouldn't be completely shocked if the old "cut out a hole in bottom of the popcorn, insert dick" ploy made an appearance. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

Ladies, start your emails!!

America

While in VA Jon Stewart’s book on America was my shiterature for the week; and while the whole book was pretty funny, I have been laughing uncontrollably the whole time over the last line of the introduction, written by Thomas Jefferson:

P.S. Is it true that Halle Berry is once again single?! If so, I would be ever in you debt if you would put in a good word for old TJ. Oh, how I loves the mochachina...

Fucking dying.

TV Alert

Don't forget tonight's broadcast of the Kennedy Center Honors, a two-hour special on CBS from 9:00 to 11:00 Eastern featuring a bunch of people talking abut how awesome Bruuuuuuuuuce is, including Dave Marsh (surfuckingprise):

Bruce pulls this off because he's blessed with a singular fearlessness about being ordinary, an unsurpassed ability to turn the everyday (I was going to say "the quotidian," but he wouldn't) into drama and romance. He also possesses a native sense of stagecraft and narrative; an abiding belief in the verities of rock 'n' roll, particularly devotion to repetition and the backbeat; a subtle understanding of the minute distance between Saturday night and Sunday morning; a concrete determination to reach the lowest and the most distant people in his universe; a genius for creating musical anthems and lyrical summations; a stock of characters so deep it seems impossible that all of them aren't as real as Madame Marie; a faith in the genius of simplicity and a refusal to apologize for his own complexity.

Strategery

There's a lot of curious eyebrow-raising in the webasphere this morning about the Republicans' possible plan to devote their 2010/2012 campaigns to repealing the healthcare bill. Personally, I can't really imagine a scenario wherein anybody would be worked into a frenzy to run to the polls to make sure insurance companies were again allowed to deny coverage for any reason they can make up; but then, in 2008 about 50 million people showed up to vote for the party that ran on the "There Hasn’t Been a Record-Breaking Terrorist Attack On Our Watch Since the Last One That Happened on Our Watch!" platform, so I can't say I'm confidant in such a strategy failing.

The Smartest Scene of All Time?

Maybe it's funny because I was such a Latin Stud, but, seriously, what are the odds of finding this scene in a movie today?

The Decade in Food

File Under What the Fuck?

Mukluks: The Major's mom, Jasmine  :)

Bottled water ranks as the second most-consumed beverage, surpassing milk and beer and leading to a sustained bottled water backlash.

and, of course, my favorite:

Frederick Kaufman repopularizes the term "food porn" to describe the fleshy, pornographic close-ups on the Food Network. The decade’s TV food programming targets a couch potato demographic with less instruction and more entertainment.

WELL, Well Well.

Southern Livin'

Soaps

The thing I don't understnd about soap operas is that all of a sudden, after decades and decades of being on every day, they're dropping like flies because of "costs." Which, from what I can ascertain, includes a video camera from 1988 and the interior of a Foot Locker with wood paneling. Fuck it, why don't they just start the goddam thing over again, let 'em run from, say, June 30 1952 (first viewing of Guiding Light) and run again each day as if in real time? Hell, woudn't people get a kick out of the fads and fashions anyways?

fucking hell. Solutions, people.

Ah, Yes...

...the McGangBang. Of course.

The McGangBang: a McChicken Sandwich Inside a Double Cheeseburger

Awesome. As Usual.

Sarah Palin said she meant no disrespect to the man that elevated her to the national scene after she was photographed wearing a visor on which Sen. John McCain's name had been blacked out. The gossip Web site TMZ ran photos of the former Alaska governor vacationing in Hawaii earlier this week in which Palin is shown with a McCain campaign visor with black marker covering the ex-presidential candidate's name. The Web site declared the hat a "frontal attack on Sen. John McCain," but Palin told Politico she was merely trying to "be incognito" while vacationing in Hawaii.

Only Sniffy-Wiffy would go "incognito" by scratching out every name on the cap...EXCEPT HER OWN. I guess we hould mostly be surpried there wasn't a marching band in front of her announcing her presence while she had on semi-dark sunglasses to "hope" she wasn't recognized.

Mostly though, where are some of these snaps of her preening on the beach in a thong? Camon, mofos!~!!!!

ROCKETING TOWARDS THE TOP OF THE MRS. XMASTIME CHARTS

Irony.

Tiger Woods’ first girlfriend’s married name is Parr.

My Next Project

Go through an entire day speaking only in Costanza quotes verbatim without anyone picking up on it.

Hey, you gotta have goals.

Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.


It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong. 

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham. 

Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia? 

You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect. 

The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual." 

Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know. 

When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure. 

My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well. 

I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. 

Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!

So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window. 

Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free. 

Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons. 

But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve? 

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.

You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! 

So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.

Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you
something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it.

Sirens! Sirens! Sirens!!!

Moi HERE:

Hey, remember right after Obama took office, and the Drudge Report threw up the Dow Jones declining as the headline; comically oversized lettering with a siren going off? Every day, right? 8,500!! 8,400!! 8,100!!! ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO!!!!!!! OH NO WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE OBAMA IS A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!

Well, after dipping below 7,000 in March, the DOW is closing in on 10,500. Curiously, The Drudge Report seems to have lost it's "wailing death siren!!!" jpeg. Or, all of a sudden, it would turn out that the DOW's not really important as an indicator of the economy in the first place. Whatever the reason for not pointing out this rather meteoric rise when it sure spent a lot of time pointing out it's drastic fall, I'm sure it's very genuine on their part.

This Is What It's Come To.

Lying in bed last nite I started wondering if it was possible to make life-sized stuffed animals of people.

Sigh. Quite a life I'm putting together here.

Soup? I Love Soup!

America really IS Amazing.

It's easy to read THIS and be stunned at how little Glenn Beck actually knows what he's talking about, and wanna rip on what a fucking idiot he is for spewing shit that makes no sense. That is, of course, if you can pick your jaw up off the floor after realizing that apparently a black guy was listening to his show. Amazing. 

Food Rules (YES, It Does!)

Michael Pollan, the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, is (well, it was in March, but still) is looking for your food rules.

So far, I have "don't eat anything that could eat you." Which means I don't eat sharks, which is cool since I hate seafood.

Any food rules you people follow?

As a bonus, here's a picture of his sister Tracy Pollan J. Fox, who was a Mrs. Xmastime back in the day

Gallia Est Omnis Divisa in Partes Bi

People that insist on being thrilled with buying up/trading for railroads, and people who win the goddam game.

Prombook

Is there a site already for the worst prom photos of all time? Sister site: Senior picbook?

The Muse

Somehow over the course of mere months A-Rod went from being a steroid-using, self-kissing douchebag, most-hated Yankee that was blamed for all their troubles to beloved insanely post-season clutch hitter that will be spoken of around campfires in hushed tones from father to son from now on as a great Yankee.

And the only reason I can come up with for this amazingly quick turnaround is Kate Hudson. A-Rod started dating her, and PRESTO!!! Complete makeover in every way. Hit in the clutch, said/did the right thing at every turn, finally became "one of the guys," and won a World Series. Obviously what I'm getting at is I need to be Kate's agent, and I could "lend" her out to athletes struggling with their careers and image, a lá Sharen Stone from Albert Brooks' The Muse. Great idea, right?!!!?!

And obviously I have my first client in mind HERE.

Bullllllshit

It would be a lot easier to take the right's claim of how outrageously liberally biased the media was if I could turn on it's #1 "liberal wing" MSNBC just once without seeing Pat Buchanon, since apparently it's against the law for them to talk about anything without him stepping in to opine. Seriously, does that dude have a home? I'm slightly surprised now if I'm watching and he doesn't shuffle behind whomever's being interviewed in his pajamas, barking out loud "where's this goddam Domino's guy??!!!" Does he sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the end of their programming day?

Judge Finally Get's Kid's Frantic Tweets

Healthcare Make a Sexy Blagga Wanna Holla

Because I am a fool, there is a small part of me that thinks that after all is said and done, and people like me are all on the floor crying and bitching about the bill sucking blah blah blah, the minute before it's all signed Obama will reach into his desk drawer and say "oooh, HERE'S the real bill!" and it'll be what we wanted from Day 1, thousands of bellies having been scratched without any of us knowing, all having fallen like dominoes in perfect synchronization at the last minute. Hey, I'm a dreamer.

In America

From this dude over HERE:

For all the talk about Lieberman's position on the health care bill, it seems that much of the analysis has ignored the fact that this might be electorally smart for Lieberman. Sure, in 2009, his derailing of health care seems like a poor choice, but by 2012, it could look pretty smart. It's likely that health care reform will pass in one form or another because it's too important to Democrats for it to not pass in some form. When that happens he can vote for it, claiming to have supported it the whole time, and at the same time, portray himself as a deficit hawk. That's the key here.

Of course that's the point with all of this. And of course it's pretty sad that much of the best parts of what could be a great bill that could save thousands of people's live as well as greatly enhance the quality of life of countless others comes down to one or two or three already fabulously wealthy people wanting to assure themselves of being re-elected. How it is, I guess.

Is it what’s best for the the country? Of course not. But Joe Lieberman knows that it's not his job to do what's best for the people in his state, it's his job to convince them that what's best for Joe is really what's best for them, and he knows that come voting time that will probably be pretty easy to do. Brilliant.

Tough Loss

I do not like seeing Hideki Matsui leave the Yankees. He was a great Yankee. If you can find someone who has something bad to say about Godzilla, I'll kiss you on the dick. And while I know his body's broken down and he can't walk, much less run, as GodIHateYourJapaneseBallplayers and I discussed this morning, his going to the Angels pretty much guarantees that he'll stroll into Yankee Stadium late in the year and park a few into that short porch. Might as well put a few numbers on the board now. Dang.

Dreams I Have

I had a dream last night wherein Brothatime!! was killed. It was one of those dreams that seems very real at the time, and is very upsetting while it’s happening. But then all of a sudden the scene switched to my dad and I throwing a baseball back and forth. The odds of him being alive being about the same as ever having played catch with me being pretty much the same made me think hmm, maybe I shouldn’t take the Brothatime!! dying bit seriously. Then Tiger Woods walked in on us and announced that was it, he was moving out of the apartment, and I thought okay, this is getting silly now.

Float Away

Lauara Ingraham, Xmastime Babe:

What it all comes down to is that the conservative media would have you believe -- contrary to common sense and the glut of scientific evidence accumulated over the decades -- that there is no climate change, but rather, as Laura Ingraham put it on December 8 on Fox News, "a concerted global effort to reduce the standard of living for all Americans -- bring us down so the rest of these countries can float up."

Ummm..."float up"? Did she MEAN to use those words? I would hope she's being funny. Cause, as we see with the tiny nation of Tuvalu, "floating" might be EXACTLY what some countries will be doing if we keep playing this "hey, look how ignorant we can pretend to be!" game.

Hey, Remember How Outraged We Were at This Homewrecking Whore?

Well, now she's getting paid to be an advice columnist. On, of course, love, sex and relationships. As in I would guess she actually knows something about exactly one of those three things. This would be like me getting paid to give advice on eating vegetables, jerking off and the Pearson product-moment correlation coefficient. But hey, it's important we teach little girls that if they decide to start allowing married strangers to pay them for sex, they'll be shunned from society, right?

"Tell Tony the Cruisers are Here"

And guess who's watching it again, motherscratchers?

I have never bought the soundtrack, but apparently the last track is the mysterious Season in Hell, from the same-titled album that Eddie supposedly took with him to the bottom of the river when he "died." But THIS GUY HERE has the skinny:

The soundtrack culminates with a song not found on the Tender Years record. “A Season in Hell” was to be the title track to the Cruisers’ follow up album. Satin Records (anticipating a “Dark Side” redux no doubt) refused to release it and effectively destroyed the band in the process. Sonically and thematically years ahead of it’s time, “A Season in Hell” was a portent of many things to come in those next few formative years for rock and roll. Backwards tape masking? Hendrix was listening. Lyrical gravity coupled with surrealistic imagery?? Dylan noted it. A controlled chaotic crescendo??? It took the Beatles 3 more years to get there with “A Day in the Life” (note the similarly pre-positioned titles). It was Eddie and the Cruisers’ masterstroke, and the world wouldn’t listen. How many geniuses does that remind you of?

Really? They couldn't have a section of the song where Eddie sings about nihilism and the Queen of England over a distorted guitar? No "Eddie invented country-rock" middle eight, no disco coda? Ha!

State Champs!

Listen close for mention of my blocked kick against Lancaster!! Incredible!!!!

Creeping Leftism

Joe Girardi's return to his former managerial style of panicky, burn-through-his-best-relievers-quickly "what the fuck?" bullpen choices in Game 3 of the World Series prompted Bill Madden of the Daily News to coin this process "Creeping La Russa-ism": the constant search for one guy who doesn't have it.

And that's what I think of now with the Democrats and the way they've handled the healthcare bill, what with their endless determination to back down without a fight and strip away as many meaningful parts of the bill as possible. And now that they've been able to strip medicare buy-ins from the bill, they can focus on finally crumpling to the demands of the very few and getting rid of the public option once and for all, which of course kills two bids with one stone since they'd then also be able to cross "make sure private insurance companies still somehow retain an incredibly bafflingly dangerous amount of power and control" off their "to do" lists.

And then, finally, that sweet moment will come when after having waited and waited for that one CBO report to come out that says that healthcare reform will in fact NOT pay for itself and WILL triple the deficit, THEN the Democrats will have their bill finalized. Awesome.

WTF Eddie?

I flipped to Eddie and Cruisers for the 18000th time, and it's when Word Man comes home from work and his house is trashed. Except it's not a house, it's a dump of a trailer. What? Why would Word Man be living in a falling-apart trailer in the middle of the woods? First of all, he's a high school teacher. Which don't make him rich, but surely could afford for a single dude with no family to have better accomadations than that.

PLUS, their album Tender Years was supposedly a HUGE hit. And Word Man wrote all the lyrics!  And, from the scene where he teaches them the song, we see that he wrote the words AND music for their biggest hit, the #1 single On the Dark Side! Even though, of course, Eddie was the "musical genius."

MEANWHILE, the album has been re-released AND IS AN EVEN BIGGER HIT this time!  And yet apparently Frank doesn't see a penny of that? Really?

I'm going to get to the bottom of this tonight; probably while writing in outraged caps. Hmm.