Bread is Life

The color of the tabs on the bread you buy is important.

Always Be Funny

Glengarry Glenross is one of the greatest movies of all time, so if someone can breeze in with a five-minute cameo that becomes the most famous scene of the movie, that tells you how amazing that scene must have been.  So obviously the Always Be Closing scene must be Alec Baldwin's finest.

But this one below from some godawful Dane Cook movie I refuse to bother knowing what the title is comes in a close second.  Try watching without howling out loud laughing  :)

Charlie Sheen

Surely I can't be the only person who's starting to wonder if the whole Charlie Sheen thing is actually a Juaquin Phoenix-esque hoax, right?  I mean, enough's enough.

On the other hand, if it's not, I'm starting to understand why, unlike with his three daughters, President Bartlet never let him anywhere near The White House. And that makes me sad  :(

Intoxicating Movie I Had Never Heard of Before Stumbling Upon It On Showtime

The Amateurs.

How the hell had I never even heard of this? The cast includes Jeff Bridges, Tim Blake Nelson, Joe Pantoliano, Ted Danson, William Fichtner, Patrick Fugit, John Hawkes, Lauren Graham, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Isaiah Washington, Steven Weber and Brad Garrett. For fuck's sake.

Wink This, Bitches!

As I've mentioned before, I've begun online dating; or, I should say, I've expanded the field of women who won't give me the time of day so as to include those that don't even hafta be in the same room as myself.  Thus far, the evolution chart has been:

1) Heck, you never know, right? Maybe I will meet my soul mate online!
2) Heeeeeeey, I TOO enjoy (insert movie/book/thing to do on Friday night)! I'll send a message!
3) Hmm. No response.
4) Ever.
5) This feels weird as fuck.
6) Hey, look how easy it is to flip through pictures of girls.
7) Fuck it, I'll just send "winks" to every girl that has two eyeballs...and ONLY two eyeballs!

But then, what the fuck...suddenly, you can't just "wink," you have to send a fucking message along with the wink.  But that's why I wanted to send a wink in the first place - BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA GO THROUGH THE EFFORT OF WRITING A FUCKING MESSAGE!!!  "Wink" is supposed to be the same as "Like" on Facebook - it's meant to be a simple click of the mouse that says "just making you aware of me, and I'm too lazy to put a single thought into this communication."

Grrrrr.

Meanwhile, In Wisconsin

This whole "the unions have too much influence over elections!!!!" nonsense would be a lot easier to take seriously if just months ago we hadn't given the green light to corporations being able to shower candidates with money.  I mean, for fuck's sake.

Also, obviously as a governor he's more successful than I'll ever be, but doesn't Scott Walker just LOOK like an idiot?  I mean, it's not fair to judge just on the way somebody looks, but if you're awaiting your Trivial Pursuit opponent and this guy sits down across from you, your asshole isn't really clenching up with fear, is it?

See, Girls? I Told You!

I Also Come in Threes

First Duke Snider, then the last doughboy, and now the chick on the cover of Freewheelin':

Susan "Suze" Rotolo, who inspired some of Bob Dylan's most intense songs and later spent much of her own life trying not to be known as Dylan's former girlfriend, died Friday night after a long illness. She was 67.

Rotolo lives in Dylan lore as the inspiration for some of his most bittersweet love songs, including "Boots of Spanish Leather," "Tomorrow is a Long Time" and the razor-edged "Don't Think Twice."

She also became permanently engraved in Dylan lore as the girl on the cover of his 1963 "Freewheelin' " album. 

This is shaping up to be quite a death week - what else will soon fall, my current hot streak of mother/daughter threesomes?

And Then There Was Willie

A decades-old argument is coming to an end:

Now there are none.

Hall of Famer Duke Snider, the last of the surviving starting 8 of the 1950s "Boys of Summer" Dodgers, whose prolific home runs and center field prowess earned him royalty status in Brooklyn and immortalization in one of baseball's most famous ballads, died Sunday in Escondido, Calif., of natural causes. He was 84.

2011 Oscars

I'm surprised they haven't made a bigger deal out of Tony Curtis.  I'm not saying I'm a Tony Curtis expert, but I can't remember a time being alive when "Tony Curtis" wasn't synonymous with "Hollywood."  Hell, until he died in September, I probably didn't even think he was a real guy, his legend was so great.

If you're a generation older than myself, can you imagine Tony Curtis not being a big deal at this year's Oscars?  Wtf?

The Oscars

The most recent movie I've watched that won an Oscar for Best Picture is American Beauty, which won in 1999.  The last movie I actually saw in the theater that went on to in the Oscar for Best Picture was Driving Miss Daisy in 1989.

I did, inexplicably, see Ghandi when it was in the theater.  I was in the 5th grade, and while in class got a message that I was needed in the office.  Usually this meant there was a death in the family; in this case, it was worse - my Dad was pulling me and Brothatime!! from school to go endure three hours of Ghandi.  Fucking hell.

Camelot

I just saw the pilot episode for Starz' upcoming new series Camelot, and, I must say, I was very pleased with it.  As you know that I'm a sucker for the Arthurian Legend to begin with, so I went in wanting to like it.  They've kept the story clean and simple thus far.  There's some levity, but not too much. And the violence/sex isn't anywhere near as over the top asStarz' two great series of Spartacus.

Of course, the story is so proven, it's hard to fuck up without trying.  As the ehad writer os the series has been quoted, "every era needs its version of the story of Camelot."

I look forward to the premiere on April 1.

As a bonus, it's got an all-time Mrs. Xmastime, one of the chicks from the godawful Mallrats,  Clarie Forlani.  Nom nom nom!!!!!

ps - looking on his Wikipedia page, I just noticed that the guy playing Arthur was born on November 22, 1988.  Ironically, 25 years to the day after the death of Camelot. Hmm. Interesting.

The Commitments

The Commitments is one of those movies that you can look at and instantly recognize the year it came out - it just reeks of 1991.  Which means when it comes on, you find yourself TOTALLY depressed upon realizing 1991 was 20 YEARS AGO!!!

Ugh.

OKCupid Scorebopard

Messages Sent: 2
Winks Sent: 1
Messages Received: 0
Winks Received: 0

Chicks.

I think I'd much rather my wife leave me for another woman than another man. If she says "well, his dick is bigger than yours," you'd be like "goddammit, get the fuck outta here, I don't wanna hear this shit!" But if she says "she's got the wettest, hottest pussy in the world" you're like "hey, sit down, relax, talk to me...slowly." - XMASTIME

Science seems to agree with me, as a new study reveals that men are more than twice as likely to continue dating a woman if she has cheated on him with another woman than if she has cheated on him with another man.

Little Follies

My all-time slice of slices can be yours for only $2!!!!

Hallelujah

Finally, white men are slowly taking their country back.

That sound you hear is the bootheel of oppression being removed from our necks. Rejoice, fellow whites!!!

Nerd Mythology

You can go HERE if you wanna read the screenplay of any of the 10 movies up for Best Picture Oscar.

I was just looking at The Social Network, and, along with being annoyed that Aaron Sorkin apparently wrote it on the oldest typewriter in the world while in a moving vehicle, I've noticed that it perpetuates one of Hollywood's quirkier myths: if you're a math genius, you have to write on windows. For fuck's sake.

Finally.

Hollywood is finally giving us a movie wherein two complete doofusses are given a week to sleep with other women by their outrageously smoking hot wives, who are inexplicably 1) worried about their men leaving them  2) married to them in the first place.  I'm guessing there's gonna be some dick jokes, some scat humor, and a lot of "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory" when it comes to hitting on gorgeous women, with some "look how whackily different men and women are - women are mysteries, men are SO simple!" observations scattered throughout the bromance. Thank you, Hollywood - this means we're a step closer to them finally giving us a movie with Will Ferrell as a vacant dimwit who takes his shirt off to reveal his not-so-toned body.  Now if they'd only take the shackles off Judd Apatow.

George the Fifth

Yesterday was George Harrison's birthday, and here are 5 reasons HE MAY HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST BEATLE.

Not as crazy an idea when you see the list.

And obviously, those snazzy green trousers would've been #6.

Potassium is Important

7) Speaking of used sperm accounts. Can dudes knock off this crap where every time a girl comes on the tv screen and she’s eating an ice cream cone we all hafta roll our eyes “oh MAN, she’s killing me, she doesn’t even know what she’s doing to me!!” and slap each other five; I guess to celebrate all the blow jobs we’ve been getting. Yes, I know you get so much pussy you can’t look a girl without being reminded of how you are serviced every 3 hours. Good for you. I don’t have a problem seeing a girl eating an ice cream cone, I don’t picture my dick as a creamy, gelatinous thing that melts in your mouth. I guess I’m strange that way. Or a banana, dudes do this one too. Freak out when they see a girl eating a banana. Cause I guess the first thing you’d like a girl to do with your dick is peel off the skin on all four sides before biting into it. Let’s be honest here: the only exciting thing to see a girl start eating are McNuggets cause I know that after one bite she’ll shriek at how disgusting they are and give the rest to me.

Second Garf Reference in Two Days

Xmastime buddy Tinsel & Rot is working on a reading program of 50 pages a day.  That's a very reasonable goal; my own is 50 before I get out of bed and then 50 when I go to bed, and at least double that on my commute.  Of course by "goal" I mean "what I accomplish when I'm not drinking or fucking," and of course by "drinking or fucking" I mean "drinking."

Mostly, all this reminds me of this hilarious website.

It' Nature's Way

As Yglesias pointed out yesterday via the linked article, "Everyone hoping to make money selling economic analysis thinks stimulus works and austerity sucks." But that's only if you wanna do silly things like grow the economy and lower unemployment; of course if you're looking to win an election nowadays, you hafta scare people into demanding you be "tough on cutting the budget!!!!" with wildly ineffective spending cuts.

Which leads to things like children dying in fires. Now, obviously, government spending isn't going to render children dying obsolete, so I feel like siding on the austerity side here by pointing out that for all we know, one of these kids could've grown up to be Hitler. At the very least, maybe a fucking douchebag - or, worst of all, an Eagles fan. Hey, you never know, that's the point. The point is, we saved a coupla bucks, and those are two more future jerkoffs that won't be able to scam Uncle Sam by lounging around on the couch giddily clasping their hands collecting unemployment ad nauseum.  Win win!

Popcorn

At 6,200 frames per second.

Of course, I'd think that if they can do that they could keep the thing on the screen, but hey.

Ouch

Sniffy's star is really starting to fade:

Many are shopping for someone else. They're looking at Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., for example, and seeing what they call a smarter, more experienced candidate who's equally as conservative.

"Sarah Palin with a brain," said Gail Moore, a Republican from Columbia.

If Michelle Bachmann is considered to be the smarter version of yourself, it's time to really step back and re-assess things. I don't mean you hafta give up; Ron Jeremy has had a fine career in porn after being labeled "Xmastime with a smaller penis," but maybe some hardcore reflection is in order.

Flip That Script!

The Jeter flip play:

Derek Jeter has always downplayed his famous “flip” play in Game 3 of the 2001 division series with the A’s, saying that running along the first-base line wasn’t anything special because that is where he was supposed to be in case of an overthrow from the outfielder.

Some people have refused to believe it. But if you were standing by the back field at the Yankees complex earlier this morning, you could have seen the Yankees practicing that exact play. Third-base coach Rob Thomson stood on the infield grass and rapped liners into the right-field corner as a line of outfielders took turns digging the ball out and throwing it to the cutoff man while the infielders went to their respective positions … including the shortstop running the Jeter route to the first-base line each time.

Like most folks, I was – and still am – amazed by that play, but the more I watched the drill today the more Jeter’s assertions make sense. “Where else would the shortstop be?” he has always said.

Just like Dwight Clark, some kid in California and, of course, Bobby Plump!

Happy Birfday!

To George Harrison, who woulda been 68 today.

Besides having the best Beatles record with All Things Must Pass, which includes superslices What is Life?, Apple Scruffs, Waiting on You All and the title track, my top 5 George songs with the Beatles are:

Here Comes the Sun
Something
I Need You
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Piggies


You can watch a stream of the 2002 Concert for George HERE.

Stupid Bowl Champions, Indeed

Right now, only 5 states do not have collective bargaining for educators and have deemed it illegal. Those states and their ranking on SAT scores are as follows:

• South Carolina – 49th
  
• North Carolina – 38th
  
• Georgia – 48th
  
• Texas – 45th
  
• Virginia – 34th

 Wisconsin ranks 2nd. For now.

The odds of my moving there and raising children there are about 0%, so if Wisconsin is determined to add "making sure their children get dumber and dumber" to the list of what's made them famous, along with Potsie Webber and heroically wearing cheese on one's head, that's fine with me.  It's a free country - your right to be stupid is as sacred as my right to avoid you, and if the Midwest, ie the heartland of "real" America, is miffed that it's not as stupid as the South, it's quite welcome to challenge the region's dominance.

My Friends are Scary, Part XXI

Xmastime buddy Mike Ballbuster Lisk gets a well-deserved shout-out on Pitchfork for doing what he was born to do: look like a fucking lunatic.

Way to go, Mike! :)

Pitchfork: Do you have a favorite performance in the video?
TS: Everyone was so great, but I would like to single out the guy who plays Kurt [Dahle] in the video: Michael Lisk, who's the associate producer of my radio show. He has zero acting experience and went toe-to-toe with Kevin Corrigan-- who's a real actor-- when he was sticking that gun in his face. When we were filming that, people could not watch it because it was so uncomfortable seeing how crazy Mike was going.

You can't hear him, but Kevin was saying, "Hey, what are you doing out here? Making popcorn?" I don't even know what that means, but it was one of the funniest, craziest things I've ever heard. And Mike bites down on the gun and goes, "Oh yeah? Do it, motherfucker, do it!" He's screaming at the top of his lungs with the gun in his clenched mouth with paint chips coming off the gun. Some people who were watching behind the camera were like, "That is the most upsetting thing I've ever seen in my life."

Murder Country

Have just about had it with your bullshit!

Life Changing Books

Mentalfloss asks "What's a book that's changed your life?"

That's an interesting thought.  I'd say number one is Little Follies: The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy.  It made me realize that it was okay to write as I thought and spoke, which is wandering and digressive, as well as teaching me the old "when the truth becomes legend, print the legend" notion.  Remembrance of Things Past is the godfather of this style, which Kraft constantly mentions as an influence.  Cheaper by the Dozen is a much lighter variation.  A great voice telling a great story is unbeatable.

The Grapes of Wrath also had a big impact, since it (along with Paddy's Lament) was fairly shocking in showcasing the generosity of those who can least afford it.

Anyone have an example of their own?

At Least Now He'll Have Time to Film Major League IV

To me, the whole Charlie Sheen thing is strange because the show seemed perfectly fine with him running around getting busted sniffing blow off hookers' titties and destroying hotel rooms.  They had no problem with him cheating on his wife/girlfriend or physically assaulting her.  They were also fine with both his anti-semitic and racist rantings.  And yet it took him calling the main writer "stupid" for them to finally shut down the show.  Everything else was fine, but that was somehow over the line, and worth pulling the plug.

I also am still mystified by the show anyway, as I still don't know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who has ever seen a minute of this show. You know my own tv watching resume, and even I haven't seen it.

But it's all worth it, thanks to this genius riff found HERE.  Based, of course, off the very first Peanuts strip.  Genius!  :)

Office Pizza: It's a Jungle Out There.

We've had free pizza for about six straight Fridays now, and it's getting a bit strange.  I realize I don't even wait for the email to come anymore; instead, there is a moment wherein I suddenly notice an eerie silence has come over the office, meaning everyone has filed downstairs to the cafe where it's waiting, and I almost pop a hamstring jumping up out of my chair.

Also, the first few weeks I'd feel compelled to act surprised when I walked in - "oh, pizza? Really? Oh! Well, I guess I'll save the vending machine salad for another time!"  And as I was tearing a slice away and half the cheese got stuck to the mothership, I'd just shrug like it was no big deal and leave it.  "Too much cheese anyways; I prolly won't even finish this whole slice anyway!"

By now I'm clawing into the box with my hand, scraping up all the cheese that's rightfully mine; I'm surprised I don't wipe up all the grease with the crust. I'm guessing I'm a week away from just sticking my face in the thing, and about three from dragging my balls over an entire pie*, marking my territory.




* hey, I did it!  Hooray!

Can't Let Go.

I just received the invitation for Big Bear's fifth birthday party. Which is totally depressing.  Because that means it's been five years, and I'm still waiting for my first laugh (save for Watty.  thanks Watty!) for my Big Bear in the elevator after he was born story.

Sigh. Life. It's starting to pile on.

Heroes. They're Real.

I've mentioned my Gay Office Hero HERE.  Fucking awesome.

And in case you're worried he's not still as awesome as ever, I just witnessed this:

(woman is struggling with opening printer tray that's jammed)
GOH: What are you doing to the printer?
Woman: I guess I need a strong man.
GOH: I'll go get one.

I LOVE THIS GUY!!!  :)

They Stole Guitars and Used Guitars So the Tape Would Understand

I'm so old that while in college I actually called Rolling Stone magazine and told them I wanted to write a college paper on the Clash. They were so baffled that they actually SENT mimeographed copies of every article on the Clash that had been in RS, along with a personal note "Greg - hope this helps, let me know how it goes." I still have the stuff they sent me; doing something like that in today's internet age is pretty unthinkable.

A few months ago I wrote HERE that I would come up with a single-album version of Sandisita! that would be up to The Clash's usual standard of excellence.  But, after talking about it with Dish today (happy birfday, Dish!), I realize that all I've come up with so far is an album that doesn't even have ten tracks, and includes a cover, a cover of one of their own songs, and a song that wasn't even on Sandinista! anyway. Man.

Track listing:
Hitsville UK
The Leader
Someone Got Murdered
Lose this Skin
Police on My Back
The Sound of the Sinners
Career Opportunities
Bankrobber

On the other hand, the "research" for this post reminded me that at one time I loved The Sound of the Sinners.

Opportunities. Sometimes They're Missed.

The Bush Administration gets a lot of shit for getting pretty much every fucking thing wrong when it came to the Iraq War.  But I really believe that, right up til the bitter end even, public sentiment would have made an immediate 180 degree turn had W & Co. put out a version of Simon & Garfunkel's I Am a Rock changed to I Am Iraq.  I mean, camon - that's a great song!  The whole county would be holding hands all kumbaya-style, singing "I am Iraq..." over and over, not a dry eye across the whole country; please, we woulda been putty in W's hands.

But they didn't, and that makes me sad  :(

Oh Goody. Another Asshole Who Got More V-Day Cards Than Me. Great.

The Sound of Young America

The President, finally focusing on something important:

The White House will celebrate Black History Month with a Feb. 24concert celebrating Detroit's best-known musical import. President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama will host "The Motown Sound: In Performance at the White House," a tribute to the record company Berry Gordy Jr. founded here at the dawn of the 1960s.

The concert will be filmed for broadcast at 8 p.m. March 1 on PBS stations.

"Xmastime likes this"

And yes, I'm still thrilled my hometown made it on the box set :)

Tennessee Making Power Play to Become Nation's Dumbest State

Tennessee is looking to pass a bill forcing schools to teach "scientific controversies":

And the bill doesn't limit this to just the "controversies" it lists explicitly. The intent of course is clear—compelling teachers to include creationist or climate-change denying materials alongside of actual scientific lessons.

From what I've come to understand, kids in America, in particular the "real" American states like Tennessee, are having enough trouble as it is learning "science," so maybe piling "pretend science" on top might be too much for them?

America. A State of the Union.

I've long lamented how shitty we've gotten at assassinations, Then, we dropped the ball on racist-fueled violence.  We can't bother to nurture serial killers like we once did.

And now, we can't even fucking pickpocket anymore?  Really? We're too fucking lazy to slip some dude's wallet out of his pocket? Really?

Fucking hell.  Is there ANYTHING America is good at anymore?  Do we have NO pride left at all?

Great Lines in Sitcom History

D.J. Conner: [confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne Conner: Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.
D.J. Conner: Okay. What religion are we?
Roseanne Conner: I have no idea. Dan?
Dan Conner: Well... my family's Pentacostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.
D.J. Conner: So what do we believe?
Roseanne Conner: Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

Gov'nah

It's too bad there can't be a rule that former governors can't run for president.  One thing I've noticed recently is the trend for governors to throw their own state under the bus in the name of "fiscal responsibility", a la Walker/Christie/Perry et al.  It seems incredibly obvious to me that they're hoping to use their "tough love!" as a way to impress the rest of the country for their eventual presidential run.  Otherwise, if there's so much work to be done in New Jersey, why is Rex Ryan  Chris Christie on Morning Joe every ten minutes screaming about how "tough and serious!" he is?  Why would the rest of the country give a shit?  Why is he making his "case" on national tv?

Of course, these governors are hoping to cash out their own states' electoral votes for many more across the country.  They know that come campaign season, most voters will hear how "kick ass!" these governors were, and will be greatly impressed with their bluster in front of the cameras, and won't really bother to look any further and see the things they brag about were in fact crushing their own state's economy and people.  With about 10 seconds of homework, someone could see that Walker's little aria could be avoided by incredibly slight changes that make things better for everybody, but he's chosen to do the OPPOSITE, with Koch-fueled tax cuts for the wealthy etc.  He's actually making things worse, but is creating a very impressive national narrative by being on the news 24/7, which is more important if one has presidential hopes.  Likewise, people will be impressed with Christie pounding the podium about refusing federal money for infrastructure projects in the name of "fiscal responsibility"; pretty much nobody will notice that doing so loses thousands of potential jobs, crumbles infrastructure even more and sets the state back another decade or so, all of which will of course end up COSTING New Jersey billions of dollars.  But that doesn't matter, since being a shithead YouTube sensation fuels a hopeful presidential run better than thoughtful, competent governing does.

Meanwhile, In "Real America"

Things No Grown Man Should Hear Himself Thinking

"They really need to make potted meat more spreadable."

Mad Men

in 60 seconds!

from.

Incredibly Fascinating Observation

Three out of my top five bands have members named Paul.

And THAT, people, is an incredibly fascinating observation.

This is Odd to Me

Apparently, there is no waffles.com

2011: The Year of Spector

With his catalog being reissued and a movie starring Al Pacino as him, it looks like 2011 is setting up to be the year of Phil Spector!!!

He could do it all. The song and the recording existed in his brain. Phil’s records were made in his head before he even entered the recording studio. When Phil went into the studio, it came out of him, like Minerva coming out of Jupiter’s head. Every instrument had its role to play, and it was all prefigured. The singer was just one tile in this intaglio.

Obviously, Xmastime likes this.

As a producer, there is Phil Spector, and nobody else.  George Martin  was great and is the fifth Beatle, but it's not like anybody hears a non-Beratles song he produced and thinks "ohmygod, that's George Martin!"  Meanwhile, Phil Spector could record a song with whoever's starting for Duke this year, and you'd recognize instantly "holy shit, that's Phil Spector!"

"I want the armoire here....aaaaaaaand the couch there...."

Tagalongs, Sure...But Thin Mints?

Roommate assaulted for stealing cookies:

On Monday evening, Hersha Howard, 31, of Naples, Florida, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon? A pair of scissors. The reason for the attack? Howard's roommate had nabbed her beloved Thin Mints.

Sigh. Been there, sister.

Teddy

Today would've been Ted Kennedy's 79th birthday, and while he never got to be President, he was the best Senator and Harvard football player amongst his brothers.  I'm a Bobby guy, and I'm saying that.

Most impressively, he had the grudging respect of THIS GUY.

Now that's a feat for a liberal.

They're Here!

Ten British costume dramas available on Netflix instant!

Of course I'm the only person on Earth without Netflix, so I hafta read the fucking books like a sucker. But hey. These should be on a loop in the background of every room I'm in.

Wang Dang Hypocritical Poontang

It's curious that for all of Ted Nugent's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps!!", evil gub'ment bureaucracy can go to hell!!, everybody should only be allowed to eat what they've wrestled to the ground and the weak be damned blathering, his declaring bankruptcy in 1980 never seems to come up. Hmm.

How Clint Didier of him!

FULL DISCLOSURE: I loved him on Supergroup!

He Also Played a Helluva Center Field

Last night I watched Mamalizza rock out with her new band Murder Country, having spent three days learning to play, writing a song, and then playing it to a packed house, all part of the Willie Mae Rock Camp.

Every woman should do this - it looks fun as hell and is a great cause: getting girls to ROCK!

Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls is a non-profit music and mentoring program that empowers girls and women through music education, volunteerism, and activities that foster self-respect, leadership skills, creativity, critical thinking, and collaboration.

It was also the most effortlessly fun cameraderie I've ever seen between bands in a club.  I don't think dudes could do this; they'd get too competitive/assholey. I remember one time my band was watching another band play before us (closers close, bitches!), and the sound was fucking dreadful.  It was so bad I was embarrassed for them, and I turned to The Barber, who did sound professionally and had gone to school for it, and asked if he could fix it for them. He simply said "sure I could," and remained sitting, watching the band go down in flames.  "Somehow," the sound was fixed once we started playing  :)

On the website just now, I've also learned that the camp is named in honor of Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton, who, if I've watched my PBS doc on the history of rock and roll (an intoxicating joint I videotaped and watched a zillion times while in Oxford, and also the first thing I heard Liev Schreiber narrate) correctly, and I think I have, sang Hound Dog before Elvis did.

I had previously wondered if it was for some reason named after Willie Mae's Scotch House in New Orleans, which has been declared home of the best fried chicken in the country.  Of course I secretly hoped we'd be showerd with free fried chicken. You can imagine my disappointment  ;)

Fucking Brilliant.

from.

A mother attempts to embarrass her 15-year-old son into getting better grades by having him stand on a Tampa street corner for several hours holding a sign that says “I did four questions on my F-CAT and said I wasn’t going to do it! GPA 1.222 / Honk if I need and education (sic).”

I can't believe my parents never thought of that back when I was bringing home report cards that were "somewhat less than amazing."

Band I Saw Last Night, Cause I'm Still a Hip, Happening Cat Who Checks Out New Bands On Monday Nights in the Big City

Murder Country!!!  :)


Influences: goth, beer, chicks who have killed dudes, chicks who are thinking about killing dudes, chicks who wanna kill dudes but are scared to and just need that last little push to do it, The Facts of Life.

Speaking of Creeps Be Creeping...

...I am disappointed in you, Serious Eats!

Although I know one guy who likes this.

Creeps Be Creepin'!

Bacon

12) There is no greater flavor combination than bacon plus cheese plus caramelized onions. Maybe, but not on burger. Number one, I don't like onions cooked. But I also don't like bacon on my burger; unless it's on a pizza, I have a one-meat-per-bite rule. There's something oddly incestuously cannibalistic about mixing meats like this. Hell, you'd think me of all people would appreciate it more considering the number of times I've been banging out some broad from behind and looked down to see another chick has slid under us and is tonguing my dick and the other chick's pussy. And yet I still seem unmoved about the whole bacon on a burger thing. I am an enigmatic cat. - XMASTIME

A HAMBURGER TODAY has a...helpful?...list of fast food chains' burgers that include bacon.

Oddly enough, last night I saw Alton Brown claim that the best way to cook bacon is in a waffle maker, which answers that age-old question of "how many times CAN Xmastime reference himself in a single post?

"Sniffy Likes This"

Sniffbook faking on peeps:

It looks like Sarah Palin is a really big fan of…herself.
 
The ex-Alaska governor appears to have a secret, personal Facebook account that she uses to publicly praise her widely-trafficked and much-analyzed Facebook page.

On one hand, creating a phony Facebook page to give yourself props is kind of savvy.  On the other, she has like a zillion zombie fans who pop their hamstrings to praise Saint Sarah every time she farts, so I don't know why she felt the need to bother.  On my dick, I like that coming up with a name that didn't actually include her own was too mentally taxing for her.

And hell, her middle name is Louise.  "Those lamestream elitists never figure this one out!  Lou is a MAN'S name! And he HATES spunk!"

Books About UFOs. Well, Teachers in England.

Last week before falling asleep I caught some of a old black and white movie version of Goodbye Mr. Chips, and it occurred to me that surely I must be the only person in the country who never read the book.  Since it's been on my shelf for about 20 years I picked it up, and, having read it now, have no earthly idea why this ever became one of the most wildly popular must-reads of all time.  I was expecting an endearing old man with many tales of him greatly affecting young men's lives, but instead got an old fucker who sits around a fire literally crying about the good ol' days.  But while I'm no stranger to the cheap payoff that some treacle sentimentality can bring, it turns out that the old fucker was really kind of a shitty teacher.  It was acknowledged that his methods were as old as the hills and remained unchanged, and he had an remarkable lack of ambition, and the entire system seemed to merely move around him, just waiting for him to fucking die already.   Everybody knew he was a shitty teacher, but he'd been around so long it was just "Chips being Chips," so he got a free pass.  What the fuck?

I decided to compare it with To Sir, With Love, which I grabbed this morning (also sitting on a shelf collecting dust in my room since I last had a girlfriend), and so far I like THAT teacher a lot more. At least he seems to enjoy titties, and is greatly irritated by everything.  The writing is billowy and plumped up with needless description, and I can already tell it could be trimmed down to the size of Goodbye Mr. Chips, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna like it a lot more.

Timing. It's Important.

from:

2) I just stumbled upon the fact that CS Lewis died on November 22, 1963. Seems like that would be a bad day to die. Here he is a pretty famous dude, and I'm sure with JFK dying that day you could find some press about Lewis' death hidden in the fucking JUMBLE the next day. Reminds me of Darby Crash, the singer for the Germs, who decided he was gonna kill himself, thinking it'd get a ton of press. Of course he happens to do it the day John Lennon gets shot. Boy. There's bad timing, then there's BAD timing.

I'm guessing that the Libyan fighter pilots who are seeking asylum in Malta after refusing to bomb civilian protesters are thinking about their own shitty timing right now - I mean, of all days,  they decide to pull such a heroic, culture-changing feat on the same day The Biebs cut his hair?  Damn. Good luck telling the grandkids about that one, airmen!

Things I Was Born to Do

I just found out there's an entire website dedicated to making fun of the Food Channel.  My head is spinning.

Transit Memories

SundayArts News on WLIW just had a segment about the NYC Transit Museum, which of course brought back memories!  sniff sniff

course, I'm still waiting on that big date.

Wait, What?

How the fuck have I gone 38 years without having heard of bacon salt? What the fuck?  How is this not the biggest thing on the planet?  Doesn't it render salt obsolete? And meat?  Good lord.

Sweet, Sweet Vindication!

George W. Bush, by far our best president who served between 2001-2009, has taken a lot of shit from liberal fags like me for never finding the weapons of mass destruction he used to launch a war that's gone on for almost a decade and has cost a trillion dollars that we could've instead used to make a Boomerang sequel, so he must be feeling pretty good this morning since Michelle Bachmann has found them.

Thanks, you crazy fucking dingbat!

Declaration

Food Wars needs a new host.  Sorry, but if you're going to be that fucking annoying, you hafta be way hotter.

February 19

Forty-five years ago today, my parents got married in a blizzard - all the pictures I've seen look like a tv with shitty reception. Then, not yet satisfied, sensing they could do better than blinding snow and near-zero temperatures, they went to Canada for their honeymoon.  It's soothing to know my dimwittedness comes honestly.

It was also on this day in the 11th grade that I got my SAT scores and saw that I had, rather incredibly I must say, gotten a lower score than when we had taken the SAT in the 7th grade.  I don't remember why we took it in the 7th grade, it was some experimental thing or some shit, but to come back four years later and do worse might remain my greatest feat, and it was completely due to the fact that I was in the throes of desperately trying to woo the young lady who was (shortly thereafter, thankfully) to become my first girlfriend, and spent a rather larger chunk of time during the test looking out the window and singing love songs in my head, dreaming about our future life together.  I was quite an impressive young man.

Oh, don't worry; a few months later once I had her firmly squired in my web of love, I re-took the test and did so well that it automatically qualified me to be in the "honors program" at my Almost Matters, allowing me to rub elbows with the hoi-polloi of academia.

Cherry Bomb

She'd kill a damn dog.

;)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Finally, a reason to go to the theatre:

A play about the relationship between basketball Hall of Fame members Magic Johnson and Larry Bird is being created for Broadway.

“Magic/Bird” is being developed by the producers and writer of the current Broadway show “Lombardi,” and is scheduled to debut in 2012, according to a news release.

Today Is

McSorley's Day!

Today is the 157th (or 149th?) birthday of McSorley's Old Ale House, the venerable establishment that the indispensable Joseph Mitchell once described as "a drowsy place; the bartenders never make a needless move, the customers nurse their mugs of ale, and the three clocks on the walls have not been in agreement for many years." 

Woody Guthrie at McSorley's in 1943

Correction

Rrthur (YES, ladies, THAT Rrthur) correctly points out that Being There was Wilco's SECOND album, therein discrediting my whole theorem, other than the fact that Misunderstood fucking rules.

In my defense, Rrthur shit himself in the 5th grade, so.

Good News!

I just walked to my kitchen and back, and it was pain-free.   My knees felt great, my ankles feel great.  I  totally have reason for living,

Misunderstood

I give Wilco a lot of shit, because they allowed themselves to become parodies of themselves as well as some strange cartoonish media cartoonish parody of itself; they were, for a while, the band record reviewers were scared to give anything less than FIVE STARS! to for reasons that are unknown to anybody.  This isn't necessarily due to any fault of their own, other than allowing that awful movie to be released that put them only slightly under Metallica in the "christ, are these guys gay" Olympics, but their own cool kids table became somewhat of a joke. At least to me.  At some point, Wilco became the baseline for music that people will allow themselves to pretend to like in the hopes that if they believed in Tweedy & Co enough, one day the rest of the world would view them as "getting it", and their initial investment of sitting through shitty music would finally pay off.

But.

As lame as I think they became, and as much as I think Sistatime! could beat the shit out of them for no reason other than she's in the mood, I will always give them credit for the fact the the very first track off their first album is one of the greatest moments ever in rock history.  I remember lying on my floor in Oxford and playing this over and over after it came out - hell, I have no idea why I bought it in the first place, but it's fucking remarkable.  One of the greatest career leadoff tracks of all time.  There's I Saw Her Standing There, there's Blitzkreig Bop, and there's this. Well, and I Will Follow.

RIP Uncle Leo

"Will somebody answer that damn phone?!"

Please, PLEASE Tell Me There's an Upcoming Season of PUNK'D!

John, Paul, Unknown

from.

Beatles mockumentary from a thousand years into the future.  The Scottie Pippen riff is comedy gold!  :)

Bieber Doesn't Wanna Murder Babies, Is a MarxistSocialistObamaist!!!!!

I guess as a nation we're supposed to work up some outrage because Justin Bieber isn't crazy about abortion and likes his own Canadian healthcare system.  Personally, I'd think a better question would be why on Earth anyone would ask Justin Bieber a question outside the realm of "seriously, how do you get your bangs to do that?" or "if you lined up all the Dora the Explorer underoos that have been thrown at you onstage, would they reach the Moon?"

For fuck's sake, when newborn PUPPIES see this little kid they go "awwwwww, how cute!" so I feel like spending too much time being collectively OUTRAGED!! that he hasn't 100% subscribed to the Tea Party just yet might imply a lack of serious focus on our part.

Are Republicans Going Soft, Giving Puppies and Rainbows a Free Pass?

Masterpiece Theater

"They were 'Black Protestants', all of them, in virtue of their descent from a godly soldier of Cromwell, and all were prepared at any moment of the day or night to sell a horse."

To me, the world is divided into two kinds of people: those that love The Irish R.M., and those that don't.  Period.

Okay, that's not true, but I just thought of it and wanted an excuse to mention it, along with a great clip HERE   :)

Fashion

We're in the midst of Fashion Week, and, as I mentioned yesterday, erstwhile Fashion Week "friend" The Fashion Herald and I are in a bit of a feud. Already I can't remember why; I'm "guessing" it has something to do with her not appreciating the attention I was getting from all the runway models.  Or that we'll simply never agree on white socks with dress shoes - WHATEVS; all I know is it's getting ugly between us.

So, since I am a petty mf, I am including at least one post per day about fashion on Xmastime, just to effin' stick it to her.  I can't do fashion without her? HA!!!

For instance, here's a chart of iconic music ensembles. Enoy.

HA!  In your FACE, Fashion Herald!!!!

XMASTIME BOOK OFFER!!

FANS!

You may now buy THE ENTIRE XMASTIME CANON!!!  in a classy, CLASSY! hardcover book!

5,566 pages of "gee, what's on Xmastime's mind at this very second?"

YES!  First Great Expectations, now Xmastime!!!!

You can sit on the shitter and flip through every post I've ever made from November of 2005 through December of 2010!!!!!!!  Get teary-eyed, jerk off, whatevs - you can read it ANYWHERE YOU WANT!!!!! Because, after all, it's a book!

AND, even better, it's only, and I can't believe I'm showing what a dumbass I am by giving this shit away like this...it's ONLY $2,059!!!!  THAT, my buyers, is only - and, again, I'm embarrassed - 37 cents a page!!!!!!!!! Where else can you get these posts for that price??!?!?!

Hell, I like you, so just send me a check  cash for $2,000 and I will make SURE you get the book!!!!!!!!  FUCK the $59 - for your loyalty, I am wiling to eat it!!!!!

Buy TWO and you get the STOOPID discount of $1,995 for each and, get this - I will personally deliver them to your house!!!!*

Order today at xmastimer@gmail.com!!  HURRY!

*if you live in Williamsburg, or are really hot, and can float me bus money

Worst Ladies

This site HERE ranks the First Ladies of our history by hotness, and I must say...when presented together like they are, it's pretty shocking that, for the most part, our presidents have married some pretty ugly fucking women.  I mean, other than Jackie, there's not a single entry here that'd you'd notice passing in the street, much less buy a drink for. Michelle Obama gets the silver medal, but even she isn't what I'd describe as "hot!"  Other than JFK, I can't say there's been a single president that spent his time in the White House with anyone hotter than Michelle Bachmann, for chrissake.

How has this happened? The single most powerful men in the world at any moment, and not only were they not married to beautiful women, but some were just outright dogs.  And I know, by the time they're in the White House they're usually fairly old, but how does a man have the charisma and drive and intellect to ascend to the presidency, and yet couldn't have done any better than someone for whom the word "fugly" was invented? Wtf?  They couldn't have ALL been predicated decades earlier upon her usefulness for political ambition, could they?

Then again, look at John and Paul's wives: Yoko and Linda.  Maybe they were amazing women, but they were not very attractive.  At all.

Interesting.  There's a pattern and a theorem here somewhere that I'm gonna crack.

Me? I'll take a VP selection, thank you very much: Marilyn Quayle.  Sigh.

Whatever.

Looks like The Fashion Herald is enjoying Fashion Week.  Oh, bully. Good for her.  Like I fucking care. Whatever.  Just a buncha stupid clothes.  Whatevs.

I told my accompanying friend to keep me away from the pregnant designer as I was afraid of accosting her with baby gushing.

Ooooomph...that was unexpected, I....wow. I felt that one. Just, ah, ...(cough, hearing someone calling me in the distance.)

 

Hey, Whaddya Know...

...it's the DOGS that eat THEM!