Is This the Loneliest Man in the World?

Drummer Jimmy Nicol, who had been stand-in for tonsillitis-stricken Beatle Ringo Starr, sits alone and contemplative at Melbourne's Essendon Airport, while waiting to return home on June 15, 1964. Ringo rejoined the Beatles the day before.

 

MORE BEATLES PICS HERE.

 

Rats

Ratatouille was my movie of the decade, which is probably why Disneyland is opening a Ratatouille themed ride.

My classic movie review HERE. You’re welcome, Earth.

Happy Birthday JFK

Woulda been 97 today. Interesting article in the Atlantic re: the complexity of what we think of his presidency over the last 50+ years:

Perhaps we can’t, anymore, simply praise Kennedy. But neither can we bury him. For his part, John L’Heureux, like President Clinton, now admires Kennedy for having succeeded in laying the foundation for Lyndon Johnson’s subsequent progress on civil rights. “Laying foundations,” L’Heureux told me, “is no small thing.”

And JFK was nothing if not a man who knew a little something about getting things laid, of course.

"Good one Xmastime!"

Podcast du Jour

I’d never heard of it until today, but it’s apparently the most downloaded podcast on iTunes. A friend described it best: “Prairie Home Companion meets The Twilight Zone.” So yes, I am fucking hooked.

What's the Sudden Uproar...

...re: how shitty the VA is to our troops? What the fuck, I've bitched about it for years. This is hardly new stuff.

There Are 10? Really?

This Is Disappointing.

Thinkprogress has an article with the title "5 Things About Maya Angelou That Most People Won’t Talk About." Of course her practically being inducted into sainthood now that she's dead makes you think  "ooooooooh, what scandalous bits are here?!!?" You're supposed to think it list a time she got caught eating a puppy or setting fire to white people, but of course the 5 things are just five things that are supposed to make her even more amazing than you'd even thought!!  Wtf.  It's like Jenna Jameson:

5) The other day I walked by a magazine stand and there was a Penthouse with Jenna Jameson on the cover with the headline “Jenna…as You’ve NEVER Seen Her Before!!” I’m like, what does that mean? Jenna fully dressed in a library reading to children? Jenna in a nice pantsuit watching the game? OHHH, wait, it’s Jenna getting drilled by 2 dudes with her face in a doggy dish. Hmm. Sorry, but yes, we have seen this before.

And yes, I give myself credit for probably being the only person to use Jenna Jameson in the same sentence as Maya Angelou the day after her death.

Plimpton!

The George Plimpton joint on PBS was wonderful, but it leaves me with one question: was he the real-life version  of Max Fischer from Rushmore?

You're Welcome

The complete quips of Roger Sterling.

(On Ida Blankenship) "She died like she lived: surrounded by the people she answered phones for." (S4, E9)

My Goddaughter

There's only one person I let wear my Big Bear hat, and it's her :)

Advice du Jour

"Hey, when you hit a home run, stop swinging."

The Older I Get

The more I believe we're due a monstrous documentary about the incredibly overlooked, hyper-achieving career of John Quincy Adams.

"HOW ARE YOU YOU SEEM NICE TAKE THE FUCKING PHOTO ALREADY"

Gym, Tan, Laundry

Originally HERE.

I've been watching the John Adams joint on HBO over and over, because I love America, and of course my favorite bits are whenever Adams/Franklin/Jefferson are simply lolling around together in a garden in France.  One, because it's stunning to think about such intellectual giants casually hanging out together, and two, because human nature dictates that the moment two are together without the third, those two make fun of what an idiot the other guy is.  Ha!

"Don' b h8n' just cuz Dame Snookie's begging for some TJ, fellows!"

Questions. I Have Them.

Is Roseanne the single greatest example of a sitcom of which the characters would actually watch said sitcom?

Dead kids don't trump Joe the Plumber's Constitutional Rights; in other breaking news, for some reason Joe the Plumber is in the news.

VIA.

Guns! Guns! Guns!

Did Hollywood set off the most recent shooting spree?

How many men, raised on a steady diet of Judd Apatow comedies in which the shlubby arrested adolescent always gets the girl, find that those happy endings constantly elude them and conclude, ‘It’s not fair’?”

Of course that's ridiculous - the reason these killing sprees keep happening? Guns. Mentally deranged people who watch Hollywood movies don't kill people; people who demand that guns be accessible to people no matter what or where - be it bars, churches, or Chipotle - kill people.  Of course the Onion puts it best.

_____________________________________________

                I found myself demanding women accept “me for who I am!”, growing more and more bitter each time an accomplished and beautiful woman “thought she was too good” to be with a fat, drunk loser living in glorified squalor.  The more years that passed, the more I clung to this lifestyle in a sort of pathetic defiance, and began to just fantasize about women (any woman I saw was in danger of being a “Mrs. Wilson”, and a complete relationship would be played out, varying in length from minutes to years, with her remaining completely oblivious to the life she was living in my head) instead of trying to better myself in order to actually get one.  

Copywriting 101

Whenever I’m momentarily stumped, I just print whatever Word doc I’m looking at and then walk to the printer. Makes me feel like I’m making progress, even though I immediately throw the paper away without looking at it.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

There should be a social contract in which a barber has to ask you as you sit down would you like to try awkward small talk or just stare into space without talking.

A Day in the Life

[SCENE OPENS]

1. A two year-old girl is playing in her plushly-carpeted playroom.
2. Takes off her diaper for some reason.
3. Immediately shits on the carpet.
4. Steps into shit before walking around, continuing to play. Shit tracks everywhere.
5. Realizes there's shit on her feet, tries to wipe if off with her hands.
6. Continues touching everything in sight.
7. Decides she must get to the bathroom, walks through playroom and three other rooms on the way.
8. Older sister alerts parents what has happened.
9. Parents find shit tracks going throughout the house until they come upon...
10. ...the 2 year-old sitting on the toilet, looking up and beaming at them proud as peaches "Look, I go potty!

[END SCENE]

Gee, If Only You In Some Sort of Position of Authoriy To Do Something About it Now. Oh Well.

Life's Harsh Realities. This Kid Gets It.

Well. That Was Exciting.

Happy Birfday!

To my little buddy Josey  :)

...or, as her parents spell it, Josie.

Also, of course, it was four years ago today that I introduced Big Bear & Husky to White Castle. You're welcome, fellas.

Via a coupla years ago:

Here's Watty teaching his little girl how to fish.  This is an incredibly heartwarming moment.

Watty's an asshole.

Xmastime Announcement

After almost 9 years of blathering away to you people, my next post will be my 20,000th. Incroiable!

Please Forget

I MENTIONED BEFORE my uneasiness with a 9/11 Museum, but this guy nails it:

Everyone should have a museum dedicated to the worst day of their life and be forced to attend it with a bunch of tourists from Denmark. Annotated divorce papers blown up and mounted, interactive exhibits detailing how your mom’s last round of chemo didn’t take, souvenir T-shirts emblazoned with your best friend’s last words before the car crash. And you should have to see for yourself how little your pain matters to a family of five who need to get some food before the kids melt down. Or maybe worse, watch it be co-opted by people who want, for whatever reason, to feel that connection so acutely.

People who actually know tragedy feel no reason to make anyone else feel their pain. This museum is the same as going to the zoo: we want the thrill of seeing the dangerous animals up close without having to actually touch them.

Wait, What?

The weirdest thing about the Shawn Bradley 30 for 30 shorty is all of a sudden there's a Beatles album amidst all the Mormon-y stuff. Wtf?

Chipotle Hates Freedom, Jesus and Jesus’ Scrappy, Loveable Sidekick Baby Jesus

Jon Stewart skewers those idiots who wandered around a Chipotle with guns to make sure everybody knows how much they love America:

“We all know that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. But here’s the problem with open carrying of assault rifles: no one else in that Chipotle knows you’re a good guy. They just know you have a gun! And here’s the thing: even if you put your gun up and go, ‘Don’t worry everybody, we’re good guys!’ that’s the type of thing a clever bad guy might say.”

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook,Daily Show Video Archive

Apple Has Their Own Thing For Shitting Now Too?

Via HERE:

• Brett Gardner went 2-for-4 with a walk, a double and the Yankees only run. He has a modest four-game hitting streak and ishitting .333 in 13 interleague games this season.

Softball Sunday Memories

Post by Greg Wilson.

Women...Bullshitters?

We're constantly being told that while men only care about a woman's appearance, women care less about how men look and they's CONSTANTLY yammering that gee, they just want someone who's "funny." And yet we see this online study:

INteresting.

My New Dream Job

Hosting a show in which I sit in a rocking chair interviewing kids and lightly insult them without their even realizing it.

Kevin Pollack Gets It

Part of why I love The Charlie Rose Show is that simple, black background. I'll watch Karl Rove scratching his balls while reading Garfield Weighs In if it's in that studio. The opposite is any fucking in-studio football show or ESPN, which are all unwatchable. They're like looking through a Kool-Aid kaleidoscope on the fucking sun. Miserable. - XMASTIME

Officecow!

Do these make me look smarter? #behonest  #nottoohonest Happy Friday everyone! pic.twitter.com/U2N7zAcUJG
— #officecow (@_officecow) May 16, 2014

Announcement.

Dear WFAN,

Putting out a headline like that is just f#@king mean and you know it. Insinuating the almost-40, retiring Jeter was pulled for reasons other than a routine double-switch should be a crime, punishable by being made to stand in a corner while I throw a basketball at you for 30 minutes.

I remain,
XMASTIME

The Larry David of the BBC?

Harold from a BBC show I stumbled upon yesterday, The Worst Week of My Life.

Plimpton!

Much is being made of the PBS doc on George Plimpton tomorrow night, and rightfully so. But amidst the hours of study of his life both on paper and film, I wonder if they'll mention his guest-star turn on Wings?

9/11 Museum Questions. I Have Them.

I'm not really a fan of this kind of morbidity anyway, but was George W. Bush really not at the 9/11 Museum Dedication today? Seems whack, no?

Shocking Breakfast With Xmastime

I decided this morning that I was going to 1. walk to work (30 minutes) 2. load up on some protein to start my day. The only thing, really, between my apartment and office is McDonalds, which I actually thought might work because they're so exacting about their nutrition on their website. After looking online I decided I'd get a sausage and egg biscuit and remove the biscuit, as well as a bacon, egg 'n cheese biscuit sans biscuit and cheese. Even as oily/buttery/AMAZING as I already knew McDonald's biscuits are, I was pretty blown away by what I saw.

Sausage & egg biscuit:

Now here it is without the biscuit:

WHHHHHOOOOAAA! The protein stays high but the calories & sodium, i.e. the bad shit, fucking plummet by over 50%.

Now here's the bacon one (cheese removed):

Aaaaaaaand without the biscuit:

Same thing, but even WAY fewer calories & sodium!!

Bittersweet. It's the greatest fast food biscuit out there, but it also appears to be a deal with the devil.

I'll miss you, old friend.

CAN YOU PEOPLE PLEASE START WATCHING THIS SHOW?!?!!?!!

The second season of my beloved Moone Boy is available on Hulu, and it’s even funnier than the first season. I feel like there’s more Chris O’Dowd and he’s even funnier than usual, but the star is still the kid who has to be the single funniest thing on tv (?) since I can remember.

Live and How to Live It

The absolute WRONG way to ask strangers for money is to hang back behind the line at McDonald’s and casually ask while playing with your fucking iPhone.

The absolute RIGHT way to ask strangers for money is to 1. Look desperate 2. BE RETARDED. I have no idea what this woman was actually trying to say, I made out “dollar” and “I’m trying to”, and I was embarrassed it took me longer than .002 seconds to whip out a $5 to give her. I also have no idea if the second I walked away she laughed her head off at what an idiot I was, and I don’t care because it was, in a word, well done. Unlike that jerkoff at McDonald's.

Quoth the Xmastime: Neverfour! (When You Can Get Five)

Stumbled upon The POE LOG, which is frightening in its exacting details:

[1826] 8 AUGUST. CHARLOTTESVILLE. Poe withdraws from the University of Virginia Library: “33d. 34th vols Rollin (his. Romaine) [Charles Rollin, Histoire Romaine]”

"I was the Xmastime of my time, but way freakier."

They Got Me

I was all set to roll my eyes to yet another now-ubiquitous "list of things that will make you grin" but this one made me lose my shit.

Speaking of Finales...

...tonight's the 10th anniversary of the Frasier finale, which is apparently has done the impossible in this day & age: avoided nostalgia:

After all, “Frasier” has more Emmy Awards than any series other than “Saturday Night Live” (which has the advantage of decades on the air); it was a consistently highly-rated series that was widely-known enough that Frasier’s dad’s dog ended up on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. How did “Frasier,” which is still on-air in syndication, lose its frisson as an object of conversation? Why isn’t it a trending topic today?

“Frasier” never had the oddity of a “Friends” or a “Seinfeld,” where characters could be entertaining with their spiky, unique chemistry. The ways the characters interact — father-son, brothers, boss-employee — are well-done, but familiar to the point that one doesn’t need to be nostalgic for them. They show up on TV season after season. Why would anyone miss something that at its very best is well-executed television and at its worst was boring television? “Frasier” was so generally competent that its best moments blur together, while its worst were mildly annoying or boring. One remembers particular storylines or jokes from “Friends”; one remembers a general “Frasier” mien of highbrow humor and frustrated aristocrats without any specifics.

My favorite episode was Ham Radio, and my favorite single moment was when Niles subbed in on Frasier's show while he was out sick:

Lebron James Says He'll Do Something That Has Exactly 0% Chance of Him Actually Doing

Not That There's Anything Wrong with That

16 years ago tonight the Seinfeld finale aired: 

Frank Sinatra died during the West Coast airing of the finale. His daughter Nancy said she had planned to visit him prior to his death but got caught up watching Seinfeld reruns prior to the finale—"I got so involved watching the damn show that I never got over to my dad's." 

Sinatra was able to get to the hospital quickly—"'There wasn't much traffic,' said Fire Chief Mike Smollen, noting reports that the final episode of Seinfeld kept L.A.'s streets nearly deserted between 8 and 10 that night."

Here's what TVLand did.

It's 2014 and We're Still Tinkering with the Goddam Grilled Cheese

For some reason I've never been able to make a great grilled cheese sandwich. I guess I should add this to my "things I suck at" list.

HAHAHAHA!! "For some reason"...yes, it's a big surprise, as if I'm usually so good at doing things other than continually disproving Say's Theory that that commodities are produced as a means to acquire other commodities. - XMASTIME

I have never gotten a great blow job, and I have never made a great grilled cheese sandwich. I'm starting to wonder if the two are somehow connected. - XMASTIME

Just when you think you've got the simplicity of the grilled cheese all figured out, Alton Brown shows up to blow your mind. Fucking a.

Kids. They Really Can Be Cruel.

Here's some great yearbook moments, including my favorite:

At least this was unintentional, unlike my own high school yearbook.

Irony, Mixed with Flour & Butter

Today is National Biscuit Day (of course you already know that), so of course guess which restaurant spent the day closed? That's right, the only one in New York solely dedicated to biscuits.

I will now salve your wounds by reminding you of what was my favorite non-Bojangles biscuit ever, the Pies & Thighs Chicken Biscuit.
 

Gee, I Wonder if That Includes Muslims, I'm Kidding of Course It Only Means Christians 'Cause Jesus and His Scrappy, Lovable Sidekick Baby Jesus Fucking Love America

All Apologies

Tomorrow is National Biscuit Day (OOOOOOH yeah!), so I will repeat my apology to Popeye's from 4 years ago:

At some point in my past, I bit into a biscuit from Popeye's and found myself chewing on honey, which is a no-no for me and biscuits. So for years thereafter whenever anybody would bring up Popeye's I'd turn up my nose, "Popeye's sucks!!" and eschew them with extreme prejudice.
But this weekend for the horse races down in Paddy Mac-land, Brothatime!! and I got a mess of chicken & biscuits from Popeyes. And there was no honey on the biscuits, only melted butter slathered on with a paintbrush. Everything was, indeed, scrumptious.
Popeye's, I am sorry for turning my back on you all these years. I am sorry for talking shit on you. While you are not, now will you ever be, Bojangles, I look forward to sitting in a bathtub filled with your fine chicken & biscuits and having a greasy, buttery orgy of bliss.

Timing

THIS WOMAN HERE wonders why Louis CK continues to portray himself as poor on the same day he goes on Jimmy Fallon to talk about his 40 foot-long boat.

Larry David and the Yankees

Are the Yankees having an injury-ridden repeat of 2013?

“That’s what happens to guys that are older,” Mark Teixeira said, in a moment of perhaps uncomfortable honesty. “You get bumps and bruises. That’s the unfortunate part about getting old. But we have a very deep team. We have a bunch of guys that are champing at the bit to get at-bats"

Hey Thanks

I was just gonna spray urine all over the bag wrapped around the urinal.

Shew!

Speaking of Donald Sterling

One of the first things I thought of after the Donald Sterling story broke was “well, he’s a fucking 80 year-old white guy, of course he’s a douchebag when it comes to people who aren’t white.” And we’ve heard from time to time people asking shouldn't we kind of cut him some kind of slack for being born in 1934 when hey, things were just different?

But the more I think about it the more I wonder if our thinking should be the complete opposite – dude, you’re 80 fucking years old. You’ve lived through decades and decades of change and evolution. You've had 80 years inside your own head to think about things. That's a long fucking time - I think that BECAUSE you're 80 years old, maybe you shouldn't think "that way." And yet we're supposed to give this guy a break based on "well, this is what he was told when he was 5 years old, 3/4 of a century ago, so..."  Really?

AN OPEN LETTER TO DONALD STERLING

Dear Mr. Sterling,

I have no desire to watch your interview on Anderson Cooper tonight. I couldn't care less - I see some headlines that you said some stupid shit about Magic Johnson - but my main point is I have no idea why you're even talking into a live microphone at this point. in the first place

Let me tell you a little something about this little game we like to call "life", Donnie Boy:

You can stop talking now, because YOU'VE ALREADY FUCKING WON. You spent the vast majority of life enjoying an insane amount of wealth and success (well, kind of) that nobody even bothers dreaming of because it's insane to think it might even possibly come true. Yes, in the final 10 seconds of the 4th quarter of your life, suddenly millions of people who never knew your name before have learned you're a shitty person. What do you care? You probably rather proudly didn't give a shit what anybody thought about you the second before that tape hit the airwaves. Instead of going on CNN and trying to win some sort of publicity war that there's no chance in hell you're going to win, just go the fuck away. Shrug your shoulders, cash out the Clippers and spend your remaining days (hours?) on some boat the size of Texas somewhere while Playboy bunnies bounce their tits on your head. We're all sinners, we're all shitheads, but you were one of the lucky ones. Just go the fuck away, shut the fuck up, and did I mention go the fuck away? You're becoming like OJ, who received the miracle of "not guilty" but then couldn't go 4 minutes without calling talk radio to plead his fucking case.

Just go away.

Thanks!

I remain,
Xmastime

Xmastime Worlds Colliding

You all know I love two things: Hannah Montana and Larry David. Now here they are together. He kills it.

If They're Not True How Can They Be Facts?

Nice one, Buzzfeed.

"Exit 12." Dying.

You can get the complete Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog HERE.

You're welcome.

It's all incredible (duh), and my favorite has always been when he goes to a Bon Jovi concert. Favorite lines:

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [interviewing Heather Locklear about her husband, Richie Sambora, who is in the background] Hey, can I ask you something?
Heather Locklear: What?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: In the 80s, did Richie feather his pubes?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [Standing in front of large speaker] Hey, uh, what the hell is this?
Roadie #1: That's a bass amp.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: You mean you're going to *amplify* this crap?

[Triumph interviews a fan]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: How much did you pay to see the show tonight?
Bon Jovi Fan: Forty dollars.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Forty dollars? Wouldn't it have been better to wait until next year, when they're playing at Six Flags?

[Triumph is at the Bon Jovi concert press junket, which is almost deserted]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: We're here at the press junket where the press gets to ask questions of Bon Jovi. Quite a turnout, as you can see. Everyone is here. People have come from as far as Exit 12.

Happy Mother's Day

It was also while he was in that chair that I brought home another bad report card and he takes the report card, slowly lays it over his heart, leans his head back with his eyes closed, mumbling some gibberish. Then he literally started grasping his heart – I start to almost panic, thinking he’s having a heart attack. But no no. It’s not enough for him to have a heart attack because of my crappy grades - he has the nerve to, in the midst of my thinking his heart was seizing, play the ultimate guilt card and say “Son....look...at what your grades...are doing...to....your poor mother...” fuuuuuuuuuuck! In a word, kudos. - XMASTIME

Favorite Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment du Jour

Funny Jeter du Jour

VIA.

Weird moment of the night came in the bottom of the sixth inning when a fan ran on the field, past Solarte and got within a foot of Derek Jeter. What was Jeter thinking in that moment?

“He was saying he wanted a hug,” Jeter said. “I was thinking I wasn’t going to hug him.”

What the Fuck is Wrong with You People?

Poor Officecow

I really don't understand people. pic.twitter.com/JQxXi5iHJN
— #officecow (@_officecow) May 9, 2014

40 Years Ago Today

Was the day Jon Landau saw Bruce 'The Boss" Springsteen and wrote his famous line "I saw Rock and Roll future and its name is Bruce Springsteen."

Ira Glass:

The band got up and began to walk off, Springsteen following them. Then, as the E Street band stood in unison by my side, Springsteen took a seat at the piano. About four feet in front of me. His fingers stretched out, beginning a haunting melody. At first I didn't recognize the song, or the gravity of the moment, or maybe it was both... but one impulse quickly took over me: reload the camera and shoot away. This was a prize moment. My own private shooting session with a musician that I believed was embarking on a journey to potentially becoming one of the greatest artists of our time.

So, This is a Thing...

Carol Brady is 80 years old. Just saying.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

One of the many great things about Lyndon Johnson is surely the fact that does anybody know anybody else in history who had the first name "Lyndon"?

Holy Crap

Following the last post I went to Google Historic Maps to see how 100 Metropolitan changed from 207 to 2013. Wow.

Speaking of Williamsburg

The WSJ (sorry, you rubes, the Wall Street Journal) used Google's Maps Street View panoramas to see how much Williamsburg has changed since 2007. I shudder to think of how much it's changed since I landed there on January 1, 1998. And I'm still depressed the Deli Mart is gone.

How the Fuck Still Big is Seinfeld for Fuck's Sake?

The 7 train is being transformed into Monk's Cafe for a month. Jesus christ.

Oh, Williamsburg!

I was lucky enough to only ever have to search for an apartment in Williamsburg once  therein living with 50 year-old dudes surrounded by mercury and asbestos for 14+ years, but I totally empathize with people who have to deal with real estate headlines when looking. My favorites:

EAST WILLAMSBURG - Deep Bushwick or Queens.

CHARMING APPLIANCES - The stove has knobs that do not work.

WILL NOT LAST - Awful place that will most definitely last or why would you need to write that.

GREAT LOCATION – Anywhere besides actually in Williamsburg.

Mrs. Xmastime du Jour

Gia Coppola, Francis Ford's granddaughter. Nom nom nom! #lookitthemchompers

Shitty TV Characters

I was forced to watch that godawful show Parenthood two or three times so I'm quite pleased two of it's characters are on this list of the Shittiest TV Characters of All Time, including that little fucking turd muppet of a kid I just wanted to strangle the entire fucking time.

I've always said there are two tv characters above all else when it comes to being unlikably shitty:

It's just occurred to me that Kelly Taylor and Grandma Walton are the exact same character; both are incapable of opening their stupid mouths without being incredibly judgmental and offensive.

At least Kelly is smoking hot and I'd totally schtuppity-schtupp her.  Grandma Walton looks like someone's asshole dressed in a burlap dress.

Attention NFL Draft Experts: Mike Francesa Has Got No Time for Your Bullshit

I watched this clip of Fatcesa fully expecting the Full Fatcesa, and was not disappointed:

This is vintage Francesa. The condescension, the dismissiveness, the complete bulldozing of his guest's opinions—it's all there. He introduced Joel Klatt like a disapproving father-in-law introduces his daughter's new husband to the neighbors.

Tho he is correct to do a bit of an eyeroll re: the NFL draft becoming a ridiculous cottage industry of its own.

2014: In America

Here's one woman telling how hellish it is working at Wal-Mart, which enjoys profits of $16B:

Things have always been tight. After four years working at Wal-Mart in Mountain View, I am bringing home about $400 every two weeks (I’d like to get more hours, but I’m lucky if I work 32 hours a week). That’s not enough to pay for bills, gas and food.  All I can afford to eat for lunch is a cup of coffee and a bag of potato chips. I’ve always done everything possible to stretch paychecks and scrape by. Sometimes it means not getting enough to eat.

Now's she's sick and you can guess how robust her healthcare from Wal-Mart is. She's old, has worked all her life, all for this:

I sleep on the floor of my son’s living room because I can’t afford my own place. All of my belongings are in my car. I don’t know where to send my mail.

I am scared for my health. I am scared for the future for my grandkids. And I am scared and sad about the direction that companies like Wal-Mart are taking our country.

And of course she'll surely get fired for attaching her (presumably real) name to the piece.

Makes you want to fucking cry.

People are Finally Catching Up to Me About the Fact that Israel Has Been Bullshitting Us for Years.

People over at Sully are wondering if Israel is really our greatest ally.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you question our unquestionable loyalty to Israel over 5 fucking years ago?" 


Sigh. Yes, faithful reader. Yes I did.

Shame On Me

I spent almost a year 4 minutes away from the greatest pork chop of its generation without realizing it.

If You Want Teachers to Be Paid Then Make Me President

Matt Yglesias on how we like to give teachers appreciation weeks instead of paying them well:

Lawyers are really appreciated. They don't have a special week, but they get a lot of money. The message to college students is pretty clear — society wants you to get a JD not an M. Ed. and to go become a lawyer not a teacher.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you call this bullshit 8 years ago?" 

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful reader. Yes I did. 

4) I WILL ACTUALLY MAKE EDUCATION A PRIORITY. During an episode of "The West Wing" a character says

"Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense."

I’m not so pie-eyed that I can let myself dream that all that is possible, I would settle for paying teachers more than what they make now. But oh, EVERY election we gotta sit through some numbnuts bemoaning what "heroes" teachers are - they can barely keep from full-body heaving, on the floor wailing while pleading with us to treasure these amazing angels sent from heaven, etc etc etc. Of course as soon as the election is over the teachers are back to picking lunchroom "chili" out of their hair while dreaming about saving up to get their VCR fixed. But oh, we tell ourselves, teaching is a higher calling, teachers do it cause they love it! They’d do it for free; they’re thrilled to be getting anything!!! Meanwhile we pay janitors at these schools twice as much – I guess we think of janitors as being an ambitious, money-hungry conniving bunch, so it’s okay to pay them. We applaud Wall Street hotshots who sit at a big desk moving money around on the internet and own three Porsches, but get bent out of shape whenever the people that stay with our children all day, teach them how to read and write, try to teach them right and wrong, protect them and drive them to away games get uppity and demand a real salary. We expect them to do all the above for almost nothing cause that’s the way it always has been (ie has historically been a woman’s job), and then we wonder why we’re getting dumber and dumber every year. It’s not that Johnny can’t read - it’s that instead of becoming teachers, the people who COULD teach Johnny to read took the job of placing those cakes in the urinals since it pays more and you get pissed on less. So instead of turning on some crocodile tears and inventing an aunt who "dedicated her life to teaching", I will bust my hump to make being a teacher a desirable career for the first time since "Wild Things."

Bolds by me as connecting to the original article. You're welcome, Earth.

Kids Crash the Stage at a Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen Show and He Lets Them Sing "No Surrender", Too Bad They're Terrible Singers

VIA.

 Who says the kids aren’t into Bruce Springsteen?

At the Boss’ show in Houston last night, two teenagers worked their way onstage for “No Surrender” — and wowed Bruce by knowing every word of the 1984 “Born in the U.S.A.” song.

His reaction is priceless as he stands back and lets them take over.

30 Days

Day 3, 7:21pm: Uneventful.

Xmastime Classixxx, Bruce "The Boss' Springsteen Edition

Can we please stop with the reviews of every single Springsteen concert? I mean, how the fuck do these people do it - night after night, they pull their hamstrings doing gymnastics to explain to us how THIS show was the most transcendent, soul-moving, emotional, greatest show ever in the history of rock.

Look, we get it - he's awesome. And the shows are awesome. But how many times can we say this? Can't we simply put up a GONE FISHIN' sign up when it comes to reviewing these shows, and assume that YES, if there was a Springsteen show it was beyond crazy incredible and the whole band gave 110% and somehow pulled up something extra when the crowd needed to be lifted, once again? Please? - XMASTIME

Guy here posts about the 10-show run at Giants Stadium 10 years ago. Op & I went to three of them, along with Bayonne Mike. Curiously, the guy actually points out one show as being a disappointment, which is something I've never witnessed in the internet world:

The Saturday night special we were all hoping for turned into a Saturday night dud. Bruce just didn't seem to be in a good mood and it showed. The 23-song show (Wow, only 23! Most shows these days are in the 30 range) began with a tour premiere of "Adam Raised a Cain" but just never really got going. 

I was at the show the next night, and I remember being a bit put off by Downbound Train being the opener. Most of all, I'll always remember this show because I ate 8 hot dogs throughout the course of it. And they were fucking awesome. Also awesome is Bruce finally acting like I wanted him to (see previous Xmastime link, even I don't have the chutzpagh to link to the same post twice in one post, surprisingly):
JUST ONCE, I'd like to see a Springsteen review that included things like:

- he looked miffed about having to be there
- do these guys even know each other?
- he mailed it in...again.
- someone slightly flubbed the intro to Born to Run so Bruce said "fuck it," ended the show
- Bruce kept looking at his watch
- "Give to the local Food Bank, or don't, what the fuck do I care I'm fucking loaded."
- "Quit singing along, you're fucking me up"

And on and on. THEN I'd be interested in reading it. Otherwise, ugh.

"You people make me fucking sick."

30 Days, Day 2 Update

Hung out with a friend at two different bars tonight. Was no problem. I had absolutely no urge for booze just because it was around, which reaffirms to me that my #1 enemy at some point will be boredom.

Do You Want to Be a Trillionaire?

It's probably somewhat arguable, but John D. "Ballsweat" Rockefeller is generally seen as the nation's first billionaire. Who will be our first trillionaire? And if it's me, will my high school girlfriend finally decide it's time to stop "seeing other people"?- XMASTIME in 2010.

We don't know who that man will be, but apparently he or she will cross that comma by 2040.

Question Answered (I Think)

Yesterday I asked when was the first time Larry said "PRETTY, pretty, pretty good" on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I think I have the answer: bullshitting his way through his wedding vows in The Survivor.

30 Days, Day 2 Update

Explanation.

DAY 2, 9:09am: Well, the first day's over. Was a breeze, even turned down a tequila shot at the office. Today will be the first test since I'm meeting a friend from outta town at a bar, but I'm not worried about that one either. He's the kind of guy that nurses the same goddam beer for 4 hours, so.


TONIGHT'S MANNY TAPES PROJECT: Edit Chapter One. 

Realization of the Day

I've been obsessed with Curb Your Enthusiasm, re-watching them all binge-style. I'm halfway through the fourth season and it occurs to me I don't think I've seen him do his signature "PRETTY, pretty, pretty good..." Is this right? And surprising to anyone else?

...And Apparently Hitler is Upset About It

We Can Land a Man on the Moon, But...

I was excited to see a video streaming from the International Space Station. "Stunning!", I was told.

This is what's been on the screen for 24+ hours.

Mad Men

This episode made think of my most Proustian of fast food joints.

UPDATE: Here's a whole site dedicated to Burger Chef memories.

Cute But Wrong

THIS GUY HERE claims his dog only responds when he imitates The Beatles...or, if you actually have ears, Mr. Burns. Hmm.

(maybe he was actually thinking George Martin, no?)

Umm...Not WITH Her Parents, Right?

Can Neil deGrasse Tyson Be President Already? Please?

Here he is shutting up idiot climate change deniers:

We just can't seem to break our addiction to the kinds of fuel that will bring back a climate last seen by the dinosaurs, a climate that will drown our coastal cities and wreak havoc on the environment and our ability to feed ourselves. All the while, the glorious sun pours immaculate free energy down upon us, more than we will ever need. Why can't we summon the ingenuity and courage of the generations that came before us? The dinosaurs never saw that asteroid coming. What's our excuse?

Of course by "shutting up" I mean "spinning them into more hysterically stupid doubling-down on claiming science doesn't exist."

Original Born to Run Lyric Sheet Shows Born to Run Started Out Kinda Shitty

VIA.

30 Days Update, Day 1

Just turned down a birthday tequila shot. I must seem like a goddam hero to you people.

I Hate the Goddam NFL Draft

As I wrote back in 2008:

Thank fuck the NFL Draft is over and done with for the year. Is there a more mind-crushing dumbfuck month to the sports year? Weeks and weeks of trying to guess the entire first round. For fuck's sake. I can understand trying to guess the top pick, or the top three. But I'm supposed to listen and care about such a series of possibilities that I'm listening to who you think the 31st pick is going to be? When I was a kid, I'd open up the paper the morning after the draft and read who the teams had picked. Now it's turned into a 2-day Whogivesashitpalooza. And there's the mock drafts, and the fantasy drafts, and the mock fantasy drafts, and the fantasy mock fantasy drafts, and the mock mock draft fantasies. And on and on. All of a sudden we're all GMs; I guess we need to be up on the shit in case a huge grand piano falls from the sky and wipes out every team official and we'd hafta make all the draft picks. For fuck's sake.

But it's the way it's all of a sudden become such a cottage industry that's been created over the last few years that bugs me. All of sudden, the NFL Draft is fucking life and death important. Really? When did this happen? The shit was around for 40 years just fine, and nobody had a problem one way or the other. Now, breathless football pundits shitting out verticals and 40 times, bleating like a fucking pig at us about the 211th pick and who it should be.

This feeling of "All of a sudden, it's SO incredibly important!!!" nags at me. And it reminds me of how illegal immigration has been handled for two years. Decades and decades this shit was happening, people flowing in across the borders. To which we barely gave notice. Then we woke up one morning and all of a sudden it's THE MOST IMPORTANT TOPIC IN THE WORLD!!!!! and there's been no letup since. What the fuck. I've never been settled on my own opinion on the matter, but I do remember noticing that us being assaulted with illegal immigration being THE MOST IMPORTANT TOPIC IN THE WORLD!! coincided with Bush et al trying to sell our port security to Dubai. Remember that little nugget? Maybe not; soon as it happened we got this red herring thrown at us and no one's looked back. Has bugged me ever since.

How does that incident relate to the draft? Well, like I said, the suddeness of it being soooooooooo important, of course. Drives me batshit. As for a red herring...gotta be that Peyton and Eli Manning are gay, no? I mean, camon...Super Bowl quarterbacks marrying their high school sweethearts? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight....

So, This Happened Today

Ugh.

I spent the last 3 days  an hour in a continuing-ed class for my job listening to a speaker today. No matter how many of these things I see as an adult, I always revert back to being in school as a kid: sit down, shut up, and don’t mess around with crap. But everyone else just strolls around, brings in chips, yammers away etc. Me, I’m in the corner assuming that someone’s about to start screaming at me any second. I have begun to notice throughout the years however that in every class, there are some of the same fucking characters that keep popping up. Such as:

1) THE GUY THAT ASKS A THOUSAND QUESTIONS. We all know how these classes work – you gotta do them for your profession, to cross them off on your to-do list to keep whatever license current. So you show up, sign the attendance sheet and get the hell on with your life. Even the instructors are like “I will try to get you out of here early if we can cover the material.” Which means “I’ll stand here and talk for a few hours, and if you let me run through this garbage as quickly as possible without fucking bothering me we can leave in time for you to get home and rub one out to the Tyra Banks Show.” We all know this and respect it. But there’s always ONE jackass who wants to fucking ask question after question and so then we don’t get out early. The class is fuming at him, the instructor is staring at him and trying to shut him up using a jedi mind-trick, but the dude won’t stop asking questions. But the best part is, they're not even good questions, it’s not about concepts – it’s always him latching onto one question and then WANTING TO PAINT EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO!!!!!!! If you’re a pet groomer, for example, it would go like this

Instructor “…as so, when washing animals use soap and water…”
Guy: “what about horses? Should we use soap and water for horses?”
Instructor: “Yes, of course, soap and water for horses. So, as we-“
Guy: “I’ve got 2 dogs, what about them? Soap and water for them?”
Instructor: “Yes. Dogs too. Now, if w-“
Guy: “What about hamsters?”
Instructors: “Yes. (icy ‘please shut up stare’ now settling in). Now, -“
Guy: “What if I wanna wash dogs AND hamsters, should I use soap and water?”

You get the picture. Meanwhile every fucking inane question he asks adds onto the class time, driving you insane with rage. Your only hope here is that someone confronts him in the bathroom during a break and tosses him out the fucking window. Otherwise, a 4:45pm stop time means 4:45pm. Unreal.

A close cousin to this jackass is the middle-aged woman who wants to regale the class with anecdote after anecdote of every fucking thing her company has even done, every case that has ever come up. SHUT UP YOU OLD BAG!!!!! This person also needs to be “dealt with” during a break.

Worth clicking through, the whole post is amazing.

All-Star Week>

Now that’s a pretty good week of Seinfeld.

Ranked now by me:

The Marine Biologist
The Opposite
The Soup Nazi
The Contest
The Puffy Shirt