In Line at Kam Sing the Other Night

FAT BLACK LADY THAT HAD TO BE ABOUT 400lbs: how much are the snow peas and string beans?
KAM SING DUDE: $4.50
FBLTHTBA400LBS: whaaaaaaat? $4.50???!
KAM SING DUDE: yeah
FBLTHTBA400LBS: fuck...how bout string beans and broccoli?
KAM SING DUDE: $4.50
FBLTHTBA400LBS: gotDAMN! ... what about snow peas and broccoli?
KAM SING DUDE: $4.50
FBLTHTBA400LBS: what the fuck...how much is a dozen hot wings?
KAM SING DUDE: $6.00
FBLTHTBA400LBS: gimme four orders of them

The St. Paul Sandwich

Watching my super-slice Sandwiches That You Will Like the other night inspired me to do what I've been threatening to do for years now: make love to a woman.

No no, I mean make my own version of a St. Paul, a legend in St. Louis (yes, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense) which according to the website looks like this:

 STEPS TO MAKING A ST. PAUL:

1) Call an order in to Kam Sing for roast pork egg foo young. Oh, on the phone she'll act like she doesn't understand you, but you go ahead and hang up - she's hip, she knows the score. You're in.

2) Since nobody really knows what egg foo young is or if it's even actual food it takes almost no time to "make," so leave your house immediately to get the other items from the bodega across the street from Kam Sing.

3) Tomato: check. Wonder Bread: check. Warm mayo on the shelf: check. Lettuce? I dunno - there's already something lettuce-y in egg foo young, probably wallpaper. Also, what am I, a fucking Kennedy?

4) Use this opportunity to grab eight 24-oz cans of Colt 45. Hey, tomorrow's Thursday - it's the weekend!!  Shew!  TGIW, mothafuckahz!!!!

5) Swing by to grab the egg foo young. Check the patties before leaving, sometimes if you see actual cat whiskers you can get a free soda thrown in (but not EVERY time)(full disclosure: I've never gotten the free soda.)

6) As for assembly, take a moment to lightly pat the patties (schwing!) with some paper towels to get some of the grease out. WARNING: if they are actually from Kam Sing, DO NOT LET GO OF THE PAPER TOWEL, or you will never, ever see it again!!!!!!

7) Lay a single patty on a slice of the Wonder Bread, then a hearty slice of a beefsteak tomato. It's important that it's beefsteak. The guy at the bodega nodded quickly when I asked him "is this a beefsteak tomato?", and he seemed to know what he was doing, so I'm pretty sure it is. Then he handed me a pack of condoms!! I love that guy!!

Right now, things should look like this:

Oh, look: my St. Paul has a friend! Nom nom nom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Hey, hey, St. Paula, I want to marry you..."

8) Slather some mayo on another slice of bread to soak up some of the grease. And by "to soak up the grease," I of course mean "I would eat my ballsack if it was slathered in mayo." Cover sandwich.

Verdict: Fucking scrumptious. The taste and smell as you first near the sandwich actually reminds me of some other sandwich from my childhood, but I can't put my brain on it this second. I actually wanted to post a cross-section halfway through, but things went too fast, everything got out of hand and the whole thing was a blur. Fucking awesome. Can't wait to try it again.

Herro!

Many of you long-time Xmastime fans know that when I was in Brooklyn for 15 years, I wore the fuck outta my  beloved KAM SING.

Today I see a list by Anthony Bourdain of the best Chinese restaurants in America and it comes to exactly no surprise to myself that Kam Sing is indeed NOT on this list.

No matter - Kam Sing will always be the inspiration for my greatest Photoshop gag ever!

 

Xmastime Wanteth, Xmastime Getith

Years ago I asked for:

Since my food-as-porn addiction has made the leap from internet trolling to walking over to Foodtown and gawking at the prepared meals without planning on buying one, the equivalent to making the jump from YouPorn to a Live Girl Peep Show, I've decided I should do a Williamsburg Food Porn Walking Tour.  We'll start at Foodtown, the mosey over to the Bedford Cheese Shop and wind our way up and down Bedford Avenue, obviously finishing by standing in Kam Sing trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing in the kitchen.  Only $15 a head!

And now it has appeared (albeit a kinda fancier version...doubt Kam Sing is on this one...).

Foursquare and Seven Beers Ago

I'm still inching slowly towards Twitter, but, surprisingly so, I've dove in head-first and am loving me the shit out of some Foursquare. Foursquare's the fucking bomb!!!!

Tony’s Fuckpigz
Xmastimejust checked-in @ Tony’s Fuckpigz (Brooklyn, NY)

Your mama's drawers
Xmastime just checked-in @ Your mama's drawers (Brooklyn, NY) 

Some stank
Xmastimejust checked-in @ Some stank (Brooklyn, NY)

Kam Sing
Xmastimejust checked-in @ Kam Sing (Brooklyn, NY) 

The shitter
Xmastimejust checked-in @ the shitter (100 Metro, Brooklyn, NY) 

Still shitting
Xmastimejust checked-in @ still shitting (100 Metro, Brooklyn, NY)

Some big fuggin titties even he don't recognize

Xmastime just checked-in @ Some big fuggin titties even he don't recognize (Brooklyn, NY)

Memorial Day

Faithful readers know my devotion to KAM SING, but most don't remember my first true rove in my hood: China Taste, which closed down two years ago this month.

And I'm still wondering.,..what the fuck are they doing to these poor ducks?!?!?!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Xmastime's First Obituary Entry.

When I moved to Williamsburg about 10 1/2 years ago one of the first things I did was seek out a Chinese restaurant nearby. This being Brooklyn of course there was one in my closet, and I quickly gave it my one and only test for a Chinese joint: the egg foo young gravy. Everything else in these places are the same, but if you get stuck with some place that instead of the brown creamy egg gravy serves that goopy plum sauce crap, then you're fucked. China Taste (the restaurant I frustratingly reference here) quickly passed the test with flying colors, and I latched onto them like...well, Xmastime to egg foo young. I gave no other Chinese restaurant my business - why bother? I'm not one to fix what ain't broken, and I'm sure as fuck not gonna start with my Chinese food. When I moved all the way across the neighborhood I held my breath and lit a candle the first time I called them to see if they delivered all the way to my street. They did. And as a huge bonus, I stumbled upon the fact that they had the best chicken nuggets in the neighborhood. Or, as they called them, chicken mcnuggets. Hmm.

Apparently I called them for a stretch completely shitfaced each time, as upon delivering my address and order one night the guy became angry and started yelling at me "you wear pants! you wear pants this time!" I guess I had been answering au natural. Oh wait, so that's how the Asians-have-a-small-penis myth started? Sorry Asians!

Our marriage was without as much of a tremor for about 7 years; we danced the dance on moonlit lovers - place call, wait for call, run downstairs, meet at door, touch hands making transaction, return to our seperate boudoires to dream of each other. It was perfect.

Then.

One day my egg foo young order came and I looked down at it. Lettuce. Everywhere. Green is not a color I wanna see in my egg foo young. Afterwards maybe, but not during. Hmm. I ate it, bitching the whole time, but thought oh well, now they're 329 for 330. Not bad, still in the Xmastime Gastronomic Hall of Fame (sponsored by Scott Tissue.) But then the NEXT time, same thing. What the fuck; they're stuffing the foo young with soggy pieces of lettuce now? A light went off: oh oh...Asians are a crafty people. No no, I'm kidding. I took this to mean that there was a new chef in the back running things. So I was careful now. Slowed down; thought about trying other places. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. There's a place about 250 steps from my loft [ed. note: Kam Sing!], but I wouldn't cross the street to spit at it (though I would later learn that plenty of people do; it's called "egg drop soup.") I would not turn my back on my #1 girl. We'd been through too much together, too much love. Too much love, too much brown gravy flowing through my veins, too many paradiddles bringing me back to life. "CWEAR!!" (thump!!)

Then.

One time I ordered my usual. Pork egg foo young combo. That is to say pork egg foo young, fried rice and 14 gallons of duck sauce (again...what the fuck are we doing to these poor ducks??!!) Opened it up and went through my routine: lay the two patties on the plate. Cover the patties with the egg foo gravy. Pull pants up. Load on rice - start on the other end of the plate, overlapping upon exactly one half of the patties. Drop a little more (but not too much) gravy on ice for mixing. Dig in.

I'm chewing and almost fucking die..wtf? I'm thinking...dig in again (this tells you how much I trusted this place. I dont eat American food unless I can see every ingredient, yet here I am digging into General Tso's Guts blind) and ... IT WAS SHRIMP!!!! Aaaaaaarrggghhh! As furious as I was, again, I just wanted to chalk it up to an isolated mistake.

The third time it happened, I closed the doors on our relationship. Sorry - I put in 8 years of commitment and dedication, and you give me a tiny fucking shrimp to put in my mouth?

But enough about my ex-girlfriend's husband; the fact is I cut them off and I ain't been back since. Then the other day I got the call.

RRTHUR: hey
XMASTIME: hey
RRTHUR: whats up.
XMASTIME: nuthin
RRTHUR: hmm.
XMASTIME: yeah.
RRTHUR: (click noise with teeth/cheek)
XMASTIME: fuckin a. whats happening with you?
RRTHUR: nothin
XMASTIME: yeah
RRTHUR: you know
XMASTIME: yeah. what's happening with you?
RRTHUR: you already asked me that
XMASTIME: fucking a
RRTHUR: ha!
XMASTIME: yeah
RRTHUR: so what, ah...
XMASTIME: whassup?
RRTHUR: huh?
XMASTIME: hmm?
RRTHUR: what's happening?
XMASTIME: you already asked me that.
RRTHUR: i did?
XMASTIME: yeah
RRTHUR: no, you asked me that
XMASTIME: I did?
RRTHUR: twice.
XMASTIME: about what's happening?
RRTHUR: yeah. and I told you you had already asked me.
XMASTIME: ahhh
RRTHUR: pfft!
XMASTIME: fucking a
RRTHUR: China Taste shut down
XMASTIME: (color drains from face. desperately try to keep self together) really?
RRTHUR: yeah. gates closed. sign up.
XMASTIME: hmm (on floor grasping heart)
RRTHUR: so. you know.
XMASTIME: yeah. yeah, whatever (grabbing my egg foo young stuffed animal, holding to heart)
RRTHUR: yeah
XMASTIME: aight. well.
RRTHUR: cool
XMASTIME: fucking a
RRTHUR: yeah
XMASTIME: cool.

click.

So today let's all raise a pork bun to my #1 all-time greasy Chinese joint in all of NYC. Godspeed, China Taste. You're going to that Great Wok in the Sky. Every time I hear a knock on the door, I will secretly pray it's you. And I will have my pants on. For the love of god and all I know sacred, I will have my pants on (sobbing, tears shorting out keyboard)

You Can't Go Home Again (OMG I Just Made That Up!!!!)

Never one for thinking too much, I settled in…I popped my beer, slid down into the couch as far as I could and locked eyes on the screen. The only thing I had to really think about was what time I should call Kam Sing, how long I could hold off – 7:00? 8:00? 9:30 would be a record. Egg Foo Young? Yes. Load up on some brown gravy, be drowsy as fuck and then fall asleep – too old to rub one out to “Sex and the City,” too young to die. My life. - XMASTIME

I took a stroll through my old neighborhood today. First I get sad cause I miss it, then I get sad because there's a million faces I don't recognize that were probably 5 years old when I moved there. I went quickly from OHMYGOD so much has changed! to has it really, only since you've been gone? to oh who gives a shit.

As you already know, I do miss the thousands of books for sale that line Bedford Avenue on sunny days. Not shitty books either - basically, any classic is yours for only a coupla bucks, as long as you can find it.

Ah yes: 2500 square feet of fancy gentleman hats to choose from. I believe I speak for all mankind looking to drop $300 for dad's used hat to prop up a business paying $30k in rent when I ask: what took so long?

Moi ici:

The first time I ever visited Brooklyn in 1992, I bought a Troggs record at Ear Wax (now in a different location...did it used to be where Main Drag used to be?...?)

Turns out the same trustafarians that have come to hate gentrification in the few years since they got here also hate actually paying for the the music they claim helped inspire them to move to a "scene" like Williamsburg, so of course Ear Wax Records is gone. Hello, Pink. Or Pinky. I can't even fucking look.

I'm happy to report that King's pharmacy has (so far) survived the onslaught of Duane Reades in the area, including one directly across the street, although when I popped my head in the door I couldn't tell if they still played all 80's music, or just shitty music.

Lemme tell you what has NOT changed a single iota: 100 Metropolitan. That's right, motherscratchers. Cockraches and this mercury-filled asbestos-laced building that probably cut my life span in half are what will survive a nuclear war, my friends.

I did hear a rumor that TOPPS is closing after all these years, perhaps confirmed by the sign below. Throughout my years TOPPS went from a place one could choose to by 5 lbs of "meat" for 99¢ to a place that didn't even bother listing its prices because TOPPS because if you had to ask, you couldn't afford it to, of course, my favorite bagger ever: Corey. Also, I will miss the spot where the single most confusing exchange since Who's On First occurred. Sadly, I never did get to live out my Fresh Direct dream.

Finally, all you faithful readers know that I've mentioned my go-to "Chinese" "restaurant" KAM SING about 70,000 times on this "blog", so imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Looks like there is officially nothing for me to go back to.

(Xmastime on leaving Williamsburg HERE.)

Fatty Fatty 2 x 4

Some of you might know I have a blog called I AM GOING TO DIE A BIG FAT FUCK, at which I'm trying to count calories so I can lose a ton of weight. Turns out there's been a guy doing the same thing HERE, and he's lost 130 pounds in only one year. It's certainly something I know I can do, and NEED to do (this guy says what I know, that his cause of death will definitely be heart attack; I am often aware that I am in a race to lose weight before my heart explodes into ribbons in a few years. Which, of course, depresses the shit out of me and leads me to do things like consume 2800 calories in one sitting with fucking pizza.)

I found this through CNN, where it's not completely clear HOW he lost the weight - he's emphatic in his eating whatever the hell he wants, only in slightly less amounts. He doesn't seem to be killing himself at the gym. I supposes the answer is that his weight loss has been so gradual, 2-3 pounds a week, at an extemely steady and consistent pace. THAT'S what I need to work on. I'll get in a few good days, then total disaster, which breeds more disaster. One answer is to quit drinking so much; it's those mornings-after that make me say "fuck it, I'll order Kam Sing."

Ah well. It's a good website, and something else to (hopefully) inspire me. Maybe by this time next year, I'll be the one who lost 130 pounds. (chicken fingers crossed for luck!)

Herro, and Goobye!

Chinese restaurant is going out of business because of a false rumor:

A Chinese restaurant in South Yorkshire is rapidly losing patrons and may be forced to close its doors after nearly 30 years in business because of an urban myth involving dog meat being surreptitiously sold to customers.

According to Internet lore, a female diner choked on a greyhound identification chip while eating at the China Rose, inadvertently uncovering a plot to help local greyhound trainers dispose of dogs no longer fit to race.

Of course, none of that is true, but the rumor is so pervasive that reservations are down 20% as more and more people call to cancel upon hearing the tall tale.

First of all, if you motherfuckers pull this shit on Kam Sing imma cut you.  But more importantly yes, Faithful Reader, this DOES exist solely so I can re-post my greatest Photoshop moment ever!  (making out with myself)

Hard to Believe...

...but there was actually a time when it was possible to be on The Real World without the only prerequisite being "don't be too much more worthless than Snooki."

Real World cast members run for office.

I can't help but point out that since they were from different seasons they are not in fact cast "mates," but whatever. I think the UG voted for Powell once before. And the other guy is banging that hot piece we all for some reason pretend Puck didn't bang the shit out of back in LA. "Pedro, you think I put my finger in your peanut butter? Why, does it smell like Rachel's snatch?"

This only a day after we find out that not every daughter of a Republican politician is a complete embarrassment of shitting babies out of wedlock or obsessing about our non-existent obsession about her fat titties.

What's next, Brendan Frasier makes an almost-watchable movie? The same dog is heard barking two days in a row in the back of Kam Sing?

The world today, right? Like Audrina giving Justin Bobby the time of day: fucking baffling.

The First Paragraph from My Debut Novel

Never one for thinking too much, I settled in…I popped my beer, slid down into the couch as far as I could and locked eyes on the screen. The only thing I had to really think about was what time I should call Kam Sing, how long I could hold off – 7:00? 8:00? 9:30 would be a record. Egg Foo Young? Yes. Load up on some brown gravy, be drowsy as fuck and then fall asleep – too old to rub one out to “Sex and the City,” too young to die. My life.

I am now opening the bidding re: potential book agents. xmastimer@gmail.com

Thank you.

Chickenshit. Indeed.

Everybody's all over Sue Lowden's ass about her "chicken-based healthcare plan." Which is complete bullshit since, as I pointed out HERE, that ass is super fucking fine.

But also, unlike fish which is fucking disgusting, chicken is fucking AWESOME. I love the shit out of chicken. Fried chicken. Roast chicken. Chicken on a stick.  Chicken mcnuggets. Chicken selects. Chicken tetrazini. Chicken parm. Popeyes. Bojangles. The  Colonel. Long John Silver's chicken planks. Chicken sammy from Mickey D's. Chicken sandwich from Burger King. Chick Fil-A.  Chicken wings. Chicken fingers. Golden-fried fingers from Kam Sing (not what I thought the first time I saw it on the menu, btw.) Chicken fried rice. Chicken cutlets. Hardee's. Kroger. PFC. I've seen a million chickens, people. And I've rocked them all.

Tho Lowery's fried chicken now sucks (see HERE and HERE.)

So knock it the fuck off. If I'm a doctor and fix your broken arm and you show up the next day with a box of fried chicken from Bojangles, I say "thank you very much, and god bless America."

Ultimate irony? I like tuna salad, but not chicken salad. I know, I know - just when you probably thought you had me all figured out, right? I am an existential cat.

And just to break the record for self-links in one post, here's a random one. You're welcome.

Le Tiger

I don't know what's stranger about the Tiger Woods phone message that's been making the rounds - the fact that someone as smart as Tiger would not think that a recorded message could come back and bite him in the ass, or that the girl didn't answer the phone. Really? I would think that whomever Tiger Woods is fucking would pretty much be on standby 24/7, and that the first ring would barely have started before she grabs the phone "where? when? I'm there!!" I mean, I understand when Kam Sing won't answer MY calls, but Tiger? Really?

Also, can we all stop pretending Tiger's gonna be ruined financially because of this? Please. Yeah, maybe his wife gets $500M. Who gives a shit? Tiger could say "I'm going on NBC to scratch my balls, and I don't mean golf balls heh heh heh, for 30 minutes, and you're gonna give me $100M to do it." Camon.

I Wanna Help You Ann

Ann Coulter is frustrating because she's only about 10 pounds away from making my Batshit Ladies of the GOP I'd Like to Fuck list (BLILF? no? close?) Right now,  Michelle Malkin is running away with the #1 spot, thanks to recent work that makes her looks like a fuck doll bought on 23rd & 6th with my jizz already covering her. Coulter right now, I dunno; seems like I'd fuck her for a while from behind while she's flat on her stomach, but then fake my own orgasm and order Kam Sing. Camon Ann. Are you even trying?




ps: Joy Behar? Of the Joy Behar Show? Just because you're smarter than Sherri Shepherd on a daily basis doesn't mean you should go head-to-head with actual smart people. For fuck's sake.

Xmastime Classixxx

Fuck It, You Decide:

a) Sure, I'd love some pussy.
b) Is that a Louis Vitton bag? Seriously, is it a real one? Or one of those Canal Street rip-offs?  OOOOOH this is driving me fucking crazy!!! I can't stop staring at it!!!!!!
c) Kam Sing's delivery has gotten incredible.
d) Okay, the cat can watch.
e) You could have mentioned in your personals ad that a Kardashian sister would be joining us.

Gone to the Big Flaming Volcano in the Sky

 Cecilia Chiang has died at 100.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “who the hell is Cecilia Chiang"

Sigh. Oh faithful readers, she (checks note) brought real Chinese food to America:

Born in Shanghai in 1920, Chiang escaped to the U.S. as a refugee alongside her sister. In the late-1950s, Chiang visited her sister in San Francisco and was appalled by the low-quality takeout options passing as Chinese food, Eater wrote.

Chiang responded by opening The Mandarin, which featured more than 300 dishes, none of which were chow mein or chop suey. In catering to a more refined Chinese palate, The Mandarin became a cultural phenomenon, eventually expanding to a 300-seat location in the city’s Ghirardelli Square.

I for one have no idea if I've ever had "real" Chinese food, but I do have plenty of Chinese food memories:

Why Chinese people are such bad drivers

RIP China Taste, my first Brooklyn Chinese love (but not my last!)

Getting yelled at by the Chinese delivery guy for not wearing pants 

The funniest Photoshop job of my generation 

The time I made a Saint Paul sandwich

Egg roll invention, you're welcome very much

Joy Garden! 

Kam Sing jealousy! 

Christmas at Joy Garden 

Of course now I'm craving me some egg foo young, motherscratchers.

Message for Everyone in NJ Except Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen

People in New Jersey need to quit crying about how lame the snow removal has been. Tough shit - you elected a fat-ass blowhard of a governor who made you bark like seals when he ran on cutting spending, a "return to austerity!!!" Public services don't magically stick around without you paying for them. So if you'd rather that extra 50 cents in your paycheck every week, you have to suck it up and accept that sometimes a big snowfall is gonna delay your trip for a tug job at Kam Sing's House of Fucky-Rucky. I've said it here too many times to bother reposting - instead of falling for this myth one day you'll be living tax-free, demand that since you're paying taxes anyway that they actually be fucking useful to you.

In the meantime, again: grow up, shut the fuck up, knuckle up, tool up, omnibus, I missed the bus, you missed the bus, no smoking on the bus!

GOP Debate

8:02 - Anyone else notice that Herman Cain's 999 plan upside down is 666?  Oooooh, but OBAMA's the devil!!!

8:05 -  Charlie Rose already has his "I'd rather be talking to Anthony Bourdain" look on his face.

8:06 -  Perry says he's gonna lay out his plan over the next three days.  How long is this fucking plan?

8:08 -  NEWSFLASH: Bachmann blames everything on the Federal Government.  Are they only playing their greatest hits tonight?  Closing with I Melt with You?  Christ, fuck this.  I'd rather be watching The Big Bang theory.  Will pop back in every once in a while.  Ugh.

8:10 -  Newt says if the Occupy Wall Street people wanna accomplish something they should fire Ben Bernanke.  I guess they're not aware they have that authority.  Hmm.

8:11 - NEWSFLASH: Newt's bitching about the media!!!  It's their fault!! This IS greatest hits night!  Maybe Gallagher can come out now and smash up some watermelon!!!!

8:24 -   the two women moderators are actually challenging the candidates on their answers, which means we're gonna be hearing scorched Earth from the Right re: them hating freedom with their "gotcha" questions.  Jesus and his scrappy, lovable sidekick Baby Jesus will never watch Charlie Rose again.

 8:32 -  Why the fuck are they bothering to ask Ron Paul if he wants the federal government to run housing?  HE DOESN'T WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO RUN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!!!  My left nut knows this by now, and it's not even "the smart one." Christ.

8:38 -  if she has to date a nerd, why would Penny choose Leonard over Sheldon?  I know Sheldon's a social disaster, but he's very funny, a super-genius in EVERYthing not just physics and overall terribly interesting.  AND better looking!  Leonard sucks!

8:42 -  NEWSFLASH: no new taxes!  Wow!  Where'd they come up with THAT one!!!  Also: my balls wanna be scratched!  Wow!

8:42 - Newt says "it's like asking 'would you rather I shoot you in the head, or cut off your leg?' "...which is not only idiotic  but what HE SAID WORD FOR WORD AT ANOTHER DEBATE!  Cant we just play the old tapes of these motherfuckers?

8:48 - BACHMANN STOLE MY 666 LINE!!!!!

8:50 - One of Charlie's two sidekicks is smoking hot. And they're both fiesty.  They should call themselves "Charlie's Thorns."

8:50 - The more Cain says "999" it sounds like "na na na." As in "na na na, na na na, HEY HEY, goodbye."

8:54 -   there's a company called "Honeywell"? Hmm.  Just when I had settled on "dick mitten" for a euphemism for The Golden Palace of the Himalayas.  FINALLY, something from a GOP Debate worth hearing.

8:55 - Santorum has just declared war on China.  Looking my Kam Sing delivery guy in the eye is gonna be tough, and not just because it's slanted  :(

8:56 -  is Cain sponsored by the Number 9?  Who's his backer, this guy?

9:04 - okay, I admit it.  I'm in love with Penny.  I will now write my country-western song to her, How Much for Those Tittays in the Window?

"Who left the crack in the crackpipe,
Who put my shoes on the dog?
Seriously, how much for those tittays in the window?" 

9:05 -  I seriously hate my fucking clothes.  Ugh.

9:07 - Now the candidates are asking each other questions.  Do the moderators get paid during this?  Wouldn't it be great if one of the dudes, for their question, asked Michele Bachmann out on a date?

9:08 -   wouldn't it be great if someone asked Newt Gingrich "how great WERE you in A League of Their Own?"?

9:11 - and someone followed up with "How much fun was Michael J. Fox on the set of Teen Wolf?"?

9:15 -  Cain just said "you people." Racist!

9:19 -  Cain just broke his own record by going 22 words before saying "999." Wait - maybe he's just a huge Clash fan? Hey - I LOVE The Clash!

9:19 - Romney just ended Perry's presidential bid.

9:19 -    Santorum is under the impression Obama has grown the public sector, when in fact it's shrunk by about 600,000 jobs since he's taken office.  In Santorum's defense, he's an idiot who always looks like he's taking a dump, so.  I'm still baffled re: how he became a Senator in the first place; Pennsylvania should be in timeout until it understands what it's done wrong.

9:28 -   Pennsylvania just reminded me that it invented the cheesesteak.  To say I'm on my knees begging for forgiveness is an understatement.  I was, as The Fonz would say, wrr...I was wrr...I'm trying to say, I was wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...wrong.

9:30 -  This Juiliana Goldman chick is on my Nom Nom Nom! list.  (Congratulations, Julianne!)

9:31 -  Cain just said he'd appoint Alan Greenspan to run the Fed.  Great.  Let's find the oldest guy in class and try to keep him awake.

9:36 - Romney's bitching that the Dodd/Frank bill would add hundreds of thousands of pages of paper in printing out the bill and it's upkeep.  Isn't that creating jobs?

9:31 -   Good on Ron Paul for admitting the economic crisis didn't start on January 20, 2009.  I'd also like to take this moment to wish Ron Paul good luck with future projects, as his run as a Republican is now officially over (there's always Clown College!) 

9:40 -   Charlie just said "We have one more video to show." Anyone else hoping it was Chocolate Rain?

9:43 -   NEWSFLASH: no new taxes!  Wow!  Where'd they come up with THAT one!!!  Also: my balls wanna be scratched!  Wow!

 9:44 -  I hate my hair.  I mean, seriously.  So dry and brittle  :(

 9:45 -  According to Perry, poverty started on January 20, 2009. Interesting. Well, not really.

 9:46 -  Heckler from the crowdOHMYGOD IT'S BRUCE "THE BOSS" SPRINGSTEEN!!!!!!!!!!

 9:48 -  Cain said his dad worked three jobs when he was a kid. Hey, so does Erick Erickson! They should get together and share their hard luck stories!

 9:51 -  Perry wants "America" to be "America" again.  Did I miss when we became "The Autumnal Windbreakers, with Ducks!"?

If I Was a Bazillionaire

If I was a bazillionaire, I'd like to spend a few days at different jobs, seeing what they were like. Hanging out in the kitchen of a Dominos, ride along in a cab, spend the day in a courtroom with a lawyer. Would be very cool, n'est-pas?

Whenever I go pick up food from Kam Sing I always crane my head to see how they make the shit, but they're always juuuuuuuuuuuuust outta sight, so I can't tell how they're cooking dogs perfecting their centuries-old cantonese cuisine. Would kill to spend a day watching them up close; right now it juust seems like they scream and yell for 5 minutes and then all of a sudden food appears.

Hey, remember my photo-shopping brilliance of years past? I'm fucking amazing.





















So I found a video of how to make egg foo young; like a Great White Shark mating, this has never been observed in nature until now. Enjoy, Rucky Joe.

Choices

A Hamburger Today asks the question who should choose your toppings, you or the chef?

First of all, there's no way in fuck I'm letting anyone tell me what I can or can't put on a burger or hot dog. But I don't mind Peter Luger's telling me not to put shit on my porterhouse. I guess part of it has to do with whether or not I think the joint has some sort of singularly amazing thing for which everybody comes in for in the first place. If Kam Sing tells me not to add shit to their cream of sum yung guy, I don't.

It also, to me, has to do with money. As my bff Gordon Ramsay once said, rich people like to be told what to eat. If they don't like it they can just try it another way, or something else altogether, something people without money can't really do.