Let’s be real honest; the only way Obama can fuck things up now is if he puts his foot in his mouth, if at one of these debates all of a sudden he tourettes out “well, I hate white people and puppies.” The longer he just doodles with his head down while Russert et al hammer Clinton over and over, the better off he is. She’ll eventually say something stupid, she’ll explode etc while he just sits there coolly. To be honest, the single best tactic he can take now is to pull a complete Vinny Barbarino, no?
“Senator Obama, you say the war in Iraq was wrong…what do you man by that?”
“Wha?”
“Excuse me?”
“Where?
“Iraq. The war in Iraq.”
“Who?”
“Senator..the war?”
“Wha?”
“Know what…lets go back to Senator Clinton, we have 21,932 more questions about NAFTA we need to ask….”
(back to doodling)
I mean, he'd be a legend, right? Viewers would go nuts laughing, Hillary's head would explode and we could blame her for bringing in "Beau" for the final season.
Just for kicks, seriously, wouldn't you follow a man anywhere if this is what he did for his inaugaration speech:
Friday, February 29, 2008
The Final Song
Thought Seacrest handled the girl at first claiming she couldn't sing after getting the boot well. Was heartfelt, nice. But I remain obsessed with someone after getting the boot saying "oh, fuck this!" and walking out not singing. I mean, is there any moment more humiliating than this one? "Okay Reggie, the country has decided that you fucking suck, you have made a complete ass of yourself in front of the whole world. But before you go, why don't you sing one more time, just to once again make it crystal clear to us how worthless you are? Thanks!" This doesn't happen anywhere else, does it? Oh, wait, I guess it does.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Idol Impressed
For some reason, I'm not as impressed with anything my friends say or do as much as I am when one of them chooses who's about to be kicked off Idol correctly. If I was in charge of Thomas Jefferson's tombstone and he had said that Alaina Whitaker would get the boot in the round of 10, it'd be right up there with the writing of the Declaration of Independence and the founding of the University of Virginia. And Sherman Hemsley, of course. So when one of my friends hits one out of four, I'm fucking impressed big time. Two outta four, I'm losing my shit a bit and clapping like a seal. 3? A teen girl at Shea in '65. As for 4 outta 4, I don't even wanna think about it...but seems like it was written long ago, "(s)he that would choose 4 out of 4 shall walk out of the desert to lead them..."
American Idol Thought
Does Ryan Seacrest comes up with those little head games to dispatch contestants on Elimination Night himself, or is that somebody's job?
"So, Jim, what do you do?"
"I come up with those clever little head games to dispatch contestants on Elimination Nighton American Idol."
"Haha, can't get a real job, eh?" (chortling)
"I make $900,000 per season."
" (choking on calimari potsticker) "
"So, Jim, what do you do?"
"I come up with those clever little head games to dispatch contestants on Elimination Nighton American Idol."
"Haha, can't get a real job, eh?" (chortling)
"I make $900,000 per season."
" (choking on calimari potsticker) "
Race Music
The other night I was walking around listening to the radio on my walkman (last one on earth) when I happened upon a station that was playing that whack-shit, crazy-ass circus carousel music I always hear in the bodegas on the southside near my house, and I began to wonder how come this music makes me sprint like a wolverine after a Starbucks visit, yet it makes the dude at the counter of the bodega fall asleep while taking 10 minutes to put my turkey sandwich in a bag? What the fuck?
Saving Food TV
Over the last coupla days on the Food Network I've seen commercials for new shows coming up, and they're all the same fucking theme: easy, quick meals that any harried mother can throw together in 30 minutes. While a show like that has it's place, it seems like every new show is based on Sandra Dee, who has now made a tv career out of showing us how to make cookies from packaged cookie dough, all with a shit-eating grin as if she had just invented the reach-around. What the fuck - Rachel Ray used to be the resident "non chef" on the channel, now she looks more and more like Marco White every day. I've already screamed re: the avalanche of cleavage on the channel here. When I first started watching the channel almost a decade ago, the majority of the hosts were great chefs. Even Emeril, who has become a bit of a Muppet punchline, was and is a classically trained great chef. Now, we're getting an assembly line of Sandra Dees; or, even better, shows whose gimmick is "regular, goofy guys who can open a pack of hot dogs!" Fuck that! I'd rather watch someone like Mario Batali slowly teach me how to make toast for fuckssake. And I've thought about how much they're gonna go towards dumbing the channel down, and I've decided I'm gonna propose a show wherein I jump into cars at drive-thrus and help people order.
"Don't get the combo, get the Bic Mac and then 2 McChickens. Maybe they'll accidently throw in fries for free, they're so used to people ordering the combo meals."
"What about a soda?"
"We'll grab a soda at 7-11."
"Wow, THANKS Xmastime!" beep beep!
"That's our show, join us next week as we go south of the border...that's right, TACO BELL! Ole, everybody!"
"Don't get the combo, get the Bic Mac and then 2 McChickens. Maybe they'll accidently throw in fries for free, they're so used to people ordering the combo meals."
"What about a soda?"
"We'll grab a soda at 7-11."
"Wow, THANKS Xmastime!" beep beep!
"That's our show, join us next week as we go south of the border...that's right, TACO BELL! Ole, everybody!"
Surprise!!!!
I love the little interviews on American Idol where the contestants tell us "something about me people will be surprised to find out." Really? Why? I don't know you other than watching you sing, why would anything about you be a "surprise"? One girl's "surprise" was that she had been to beauty school. What? You're a pretty little girl in her early twenties; why, upon hearing you had been to beauty school, would I shake my head "well I'll be damned!! That came outta NOwhere!!!" Cracks me up.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Something Else I'm Gonna Need a Word For
Doing something in front of a little kid (say, pulling out a radio antenna with your teeth) and saying "oh yeah, don't ever do that."
I Fucking Hate Mike Lupica
While certainly not the only writer to do so, every fucking day for the last month or so Mike Douchebag Lupica has railed at Clemens, piling on what a liar he is, what a phony bologna he is. Clemens would lie to a Wendy's drive-thru, Clemens' inability to tell the truth is helping the terrorists. Righteous indignation being, of course, Lupica's favorite weapon. And yet today dipshit is crying and bitching cause Clemens doesn't wanna talk about the situation while in Astros' camp in Fla. Hey fuckwad, if everything that comes outta Clemens' mouth is a bold-faced lie, why thy fuck are you moaning and groaning about him not talking? If all he does is lie and try to ruin the sanctity of the American game and choke puppies, what the fuck do you even care what he has to say if it's just gonna be a lie anyways? Total fuckwad. Too fucking lazy to think of anybody else to write about. Wait til he discovers Britney, he'll have 4 columns a day.
Christ. Xmastime's Life: Gettin Worse w/a Bullet
We all know who my two boyfriends are:
Unfortunately, I seem to be working on my first boy crush
if only cause every time I look at him I think he looks like
Unfortunately, I seem to be working on my first boy crush
if only cause every time I look at him I think he looks like
What's the word for...
...filling a sippie cup with tap water, telling the kid it's juice?
"Yeah, it's grape juice, drink it..."
"Yeah, it's grape juice, drink it..."
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Big O
Except for the fact that it opens the door to Spring, which I fucking hate, February is one of my favorite months because it is Black History month. All of a sudden PBS, HBO and VH1 Classic roll it all out: documentaries about Malcom X, MLK, Joe Louis, Marvin Gaye, that Temptations movie is on a loop, and documentaries about soul music and Motown are all over the place. In other words, shit you wanna be seeing all year long anyways. I'll re-read sections of "Parting the Waters" and "Walking with the Wind", I'll think back to my own first racial experience, and without fail I'm shocked to realize that most of these events happened within shouting distance of my own birth. It can read in history as if it's many lifetimes ago, but in reality it's within my own. Always disorienting.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm a fan of Indiana high school basketball. Years before "Hoosiers", I knew about the 1954 Milan team: I knew who Bobby Plump was, I knew about the 4:20 stall. And I knew that they had beaten Crispus Attucks, which of course featured a sophomore named Oscar Robertson. Attucks would go on to win the next two state championships, in 1955 becoming the first black team to win the title in Indiana.
This month on Starz in Black they've been showing a documentary called "Something to Cheer About." Made in 2002, I did not even know this existed til I landed on it the other night. It is about that Attucks team, and it features grainy b/w footage and old radio clips along with current interviews with the members of that team. The team went 62-1 over two years and won two state championships. According to Indiana tradition, the state champion (of which there was only one, no matter the size of your school, CUE "HOOSIER"S ON YOUR NETFLIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!) was given a fire truck parade through the street of Indiannapolis, feted as heroes. Any young man's dream, for sure. Of course when Attucks won, the powers that be decided you know what, they should have the parade "in your own community." No fire trucks, no Indiannapolis. The players were driven outside of town to hold their party because, and I quote, "They said the blacks are gonna tear up downtown."
In the documentary Oscar is asked about this. Now, this is NBA Hall of Famer Oscar Robertson. He came along before NBA players became bazillionaires, but through basketball he was given an education, and then more money than anyone in his old neighborhood could have dreamed of. He made a ton of money, wears Cosby sweaters and lives in a mansion in the burbs, sitting back and soaking in decades and decades of adulation from boys and men of every color. I'm white, and if I ran into Oscar Robertson and he said to kiss his ass, I'd pucker up. I can only dream of being him, having his life. He's become and elder stateman, a revered landmark in the history of the game.
Yet when asked, Oscar said he would never forgive the white people for what they did to him, to his team. There was no apology in his eyes when he says there's no way he'll ever forgive and forget. The "fuck you" was palpable. There was no mistake. And it really hit me; I was like jesus christ, if Oscar isn't lulled into some sort of warm-milk "oh, everything was always alright, I'm rich now so it don't matter" feeling after all these years, how the fuck bad must if have been? I can read all the books I want, I can see all the documentaries in the world and I can cry during "I Wish It Would Rain" or "Raisin in the Sun", but to act like I can know what it was like a mere generation ago, I am a fool.
One set of blood ago. That's hard to believe.
Despair is heartbreaking. But despair after success, that's telling.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm a fan of Indiana high school basketball. Years before "Hoosiers", I knew about the 1954 Milan team: I knew who Bobby Plump was, I knew about the 4:20 stall. And I knew that they had beaten Crispus Attucks, which of course featured a sophomore named Oscar Robertson. Attucks would go on to win the next two state championships, in 1955 becoming the first black team to win the title in Indiana.
This month on Starz in Black they've been showing a documentary called "Something to Cheer About." Made in 2002, I did not even know this existed til I landed on it the other night. It is about that Attucks team, and it features grainy b/w footage and old radio clips along with current interviews with the members of that team. The team went 62-1 over two years and won two state championships. According to Indiana tradition, the state champion (of which there was only one, no matter the size of your school, CUE "HOOSIER"S ON YOUR NETFLIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!) was given a fire truck parade through the street of Indiannapolis, feted as heroes. Any young man's dream, for sure. Of course when Attucks won, the powers that be decided you know what, they should have the parade "in your own community." No fire trucks, no Indiannapolis. The players were driven outside of town to hold their party because, and I quote, "They said the blacks are gonna tear up downtown."
In the documentary Oscar is asked about this. Now, this is NBA Hall of Famer Oscar Robertson. He came along before NBA players became bazillionaires, but through basketball he was given an education, and then more money than anyone in his old neighborhood could have dreamed of. He made a ton of money, wears Cosby sweaters and lives in a mansion in the burbs, sitting back and soaking in decades and decades of adulation from boys and men of every color. I'm white, and if I ran into Oscar Robertson and he said to kiss his ass, I'd pucker up. I can only dream of being him, having his life. He's become and elder stateman, a revered landmark in the history of the game.
Yet when asked, Oscar said he would never forgive the white people for what they did to him, to his team. There was no apology in his eyes when he says there's no way he'll ever forgive and forget. The "fuck you" was palpable. There was no mistake. And it really hit me; I was like jesus christ, if Oscar isn't lulled into some sort of warm-milk "oh, everything was always alright, I'm rich now so it don't matter" feeling after all these years, how the fuck bad must if have been? I can read all the books I want, I can see all the documentaries in the world and I can cry during "I Wish It Would Rain" or "Raisin in the Sun", but to act like I can know what it was like a mere generation ago, I am a fool.
One set of blood ago. That's hard to believe.
Despair is heartbreaking. But despair after success, that's telling.
Debate Update
Of course, the fucking second I post about Barack writing his memoirs onstage during the debate he decides to not look down again. Making me look like an asshole. AAAAArrrrrgggggh!!!!!
Alanis Morrisette
Is it just me, or is it ironic that Hillary is gonna get beat by a man that had she run for the u.s. senate from her "home" state, we might not have heard of? Also, you KNOW it's killing Billy C that he can't campaign for Obama. Talk about a pig in shit, him going from baptist church to baptist church, marathon sermons followed by fried fruit pies every day, soaked in sweat. you KNOW it's killing him. I'm slightly surprised he ain't anonymously posted pics of Hillary and Bin Laden making out in the theater during "Schindler's List." Poor bastard.
tonight's Debate
Seriously, what the fuck does he keep writing? On one hand I wanna make the requisite "who does he think he is, Bryant Gumbel?" joke, and on the other hand I'm like camon, it's fucking rude and dismissive and grating on me. Jot shit down yeah, but pick your head up once in a while. Christ. Enuff.
Fashion Week Video Reminder
Just in case it got buried by the movies post, don't forget to check out the latest Fashion Week video over at the Fashion Herald. :)
Academy Award Best Picture Nominees in My Own Lifetime that I Have Seen
The Godfather - obviously great.
American Graffiti - great soundtrack.
Jaws - my favorite movie that's not about foppish, long-haired Brit boys flitting about singing to each other or high school boys running around in tight satin shorts playing with balls.
Rocky - camon. Another superslice. Talia Shire = Mrs. Xmastime. And man, his unorthodox training sessions; I haven't seen anyone hit beef that size since my fat girl hookup of 1995 (great blowjob, tho)
Dog Day Afternoon - great. tho I think I saw it 3 times before I even realized what they needed the money for. hmm.
Taxi Driver - I guess I was the last white male ever to see this, only saw a few months ago. Hey, you know what I just thought of? Wouldn't it be great if Italian guys from Brooklyn did the "you talking to me?" scene in bars? Over and over and over? You just don't see that, do you? Wouldn't that be awesome? Camon, Brooklyn Italian guys! Yes, i AM dalkindoyouse!!!!!
Star Wars - tuff to picture anything bigger than this, eh? When I was a kid, it was all Star Wars. Everything you could possibly buy, it all had Star Wars on it. I don't think I owned a Trapper Keeper that didn't have Star Wars on it til 4th grade, when of course like boys all across the land I switched to "On Golden Pond."
The Deer Hunter - I've read that during the Russian Roulette scene De Niro wanted to use live rounds. I wish he thought of that while making "Analyze This."
Coal Miner's Daughter - Has a Shawshanky thing to it; ie you can watch, move into another apartment, and still catch the end of it. Also, you can watch it 338 times and still remark “hey, I’ve never seen this part before. Wow.”
The Elephant Man - Tough to watch; you spend the whole movie pissed at him for ditching Cher after getting her pregnant.
Raiders of the Lost Ark - when Harrison Ford decided to put it on cruise control, I'm guessing.
Gandhi - my dad pulled my brother and I outta school for the day to watch this. A 3-hour flick about Gandhi is a bit much for a 5th grader; ever since then I've resented non-whites and the very thought of peace and will continue to dedicate my life to destroying both.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial - again, a huge event. How is this not on TBS constantly?
The Big Chill - a cozy movie I like to fold into. Whatever the fuck that means. Officially depressing now cause I think I'm now older than what those characters were supposed to be. Famously was supposed to be Kevin Costner's first role; he was the dead body. How does your only scene get cut and you still get typecast? Poor bastard.
The Right Stuff - actually only seen part of it, but I was reading the book on a flight a few years ago when the pilot announced we had to make an emergency landing. How ironic, I remember thinking.
Broadcast News - Albert Brooks, the Duckie of his generation. Man.
Fatal Attraction - I can suspend belief enough to watch Jedi Knights fight in outer space or an alien being addicted to Reese's pieces, but asking me to believe someone would even look at another chick when he's got Anne Archer back at home folding his socks is too much of a stretch. No way. Not happening. Even if she's to blame for shitting out that freak Muppet kid.
Rain Man - at the time, I thought Hoffman here was the single greatest acting performance ever. Then I saw "Meet the Fockers" and realized holy shit, he wasn't acting.
Mississippi Burning - great flick. Cast includes, I believe, the kid who played Eddie Winslow in "Family Matters" of Urkel fame. Which also starred an all-time Mrs. Xmastime, Telma Hopkins, who was in Tony Orlando and Dawn, as in Red Dawn starring Patrick Swayze as in who the fuck do I gotta blow to have "Road House" implanted into the inside of my eye lids?
Driving Miss Daisy - recently re-saw it, surprised at how much I liked it. Saw it in the theater cause I actually had a girlfriend at the time, so you'd go see every movie that came into town. Some we'd see twice, if they were about a Zen-living bouncer who could sew stitches into his own shoulder w/o anesthesia while working at a bar that goes through broken furniture like The Dukes of Hazzard went through cars.
Born on the Fourth of July - I like this now, but at the time this was actually the only movie I had ever considered walking out on. Was too much I guess. Or maybe I was pissed that Top Cat's pop was still alive, not giving him a reason to "push the envelope!" and "fly too close to the edge!!!"
Dead Poets' Society - saw this on our first date after my girlfriend and I had broken up after I found out she had driven into town with another guy. Which back then was the equivalent of what walking in on her in the middle of a Vatican City bukkake party would be now. A few weeks later we got back together and dedicated ourselves to loving each other forever. I feel sorry for her husband. Poor bastard, living a lie. I only wish the best for him. And their kid.
Field of Dreams - ugh Dances with Wolves - you're shitting me. Would you rather be locked into a room and forced to watch "Dances with Wolves", or just locked in a room with wolves?
Ghost - blech
Goodfellas - what can be said that hasn't already been said about Goodfellas?
JFK - say what you will, but that final monologue by K-Cost(tm) gets me every time.
A Few Good Men - this flick I love, it's my #1 "it's raining outside, get a tub of popcorn and curl up" movie. As opposed to my "it's raining outside, let's see how many consecutive hours I can have my hands fiddling with my balls" flicks, I guess.
Scent of a Woman - I've always liked the scene with his family, if only cause it features Josh Lyman. A reminder of back when America was flourishing under the wing of President Bartlett. Fucking Nader.
Forrest Gump - is there a bigger slut in movie history than Jenny from this flick? Camon. Strung along a retard for decades while fucking every dude in the country. If you don’t believe in karma after finding out she dies of AIDS, you never will.
Four Weddings and a Funeral - You can imagine my surprise when I realized I had the title backwards; going in I thought this was about Lynyrd Skynyrd. Disappointing.
Pulp Fiction - liked it. Can't sit through it again, but Sam Jackson's scene is an all-timer for sure.
Quiz Show - don't remember a thing about it.
The Shawshank Redemption - I find it hard to believe I'll go much longer without a whole Shawshank post, so I'll leave it for now. But yes, surprisingly few Mrs. Xmastimes in this one.
Braveheart - whole thing coulda been about 11 minutes long; these scenes repeat more than me after eating raw chicken in San Juan.
Apollo 13 - LOOOOOOVE this flick, I watch it every time it comes on. Ed Harris should win an Oscar just for looking exactly like his character in real life. And is it possible to NOT know that Kathleen Quinlan must be a ridiculously filthy whore in bed? Camon. My girl.
Sense and Sensibility - the only thing more embarrassing than my going to see this flick is that I can't even claim a chick dragged me there.
Fargo - too much midwestern accent. we get it: they're idiots. move on already.
Jerry Maguire - loved Top Cat in this one too. The Jay Mohr "it ain't show friends, it's show business" is one of many lines I'll hear in a movie and think "oooohh, gotta remember that and pull it out at a party!" And yes, I say the same thing about my dick, so. After this movie, would you have guessed that Cuba Gooding Jrs' next big role would be sniffing Michael Jordan's underwear? Christ.
As Good as It Gets - if you switch one word in this title with it’s antonym, you get my review.
Good Will Hunting - the moment we all realized you know what, Robin Williams is better as a dramatic actor than as a comedic one. and that Ben Affleck is the worst actor in the world. Tho we all had no idea Sarah Silverman was fucking Matt Damon. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Say, when are the writers coming back again?
Saving Private Ryan - years before this movie I would tell the story of my grandmother losing all 6 of her brothers in World War I (or, as Rrthur would say, The War.) But now I'm wondering if it's apocryphal; I have no idea where I heard it. Maybe I'll ask my uncle next time I talk to him. Now that I think about it, I should interview him and post it here; having an uncle who used to turn into a werewolf while playing basketball could be blogging gold here. Hmm. And you should’ve seen how I spelled “apocryphal” before spell-check caught it. A train wreck.
American Beauty - okay, but whenever I re-watch it I just wish there were more of those dining room scenes.
Erin Brockovich - until Wayne Knight plays both roles in "John Candy and Chris Farley Go to the Beach", this is my favorite cleavage movie.
A Beautiful Mind - girl I liked went to see this on a date before we started up, so that always bugs me.
Gangs of New York - like Jack Black in "High Fidelity", I'd rather see all of Daniel Day-Lewis' scenes boiled down onto a tape than the rest of the movie.
Lost in Translation - liked it in the theater, can't watch it on tv. Really cemented the "Bill Murray sleepwalking on camera" routine for him, didn't it?
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - don't remember much of the movie, but me and Op ate 15 goddam boiled hot dogs that night. Burp.
Ray - a Faustian bargain: Jamie Foxx gave us a great performance, but then we had to sit there and watch him promote his shitty album for the next 3 years.
Brokeback Mountain - see here.
Little Miss Sunshine - see here.
American Graffiti - great soundtrack.
Jaws - my favorite movie that's not about foppish, long-haired Brit boys flitting about singing to each other or high school boys running around in tight satin shorts playing with balls.
Rocky - camon. Another superslice. Talia Shire = Mrs. Xmastime. And man, his unorthodox training sessions; I haven't seen anyone hit beef that size since my fat girl hookup of 1995 (great blowjob, tho)
Dog Day Afternoon - great. tho I think I saw it 3 times before I even realized what they needed the money for. hmm.
Taxi Driver - I guess I was the last white male ever to see this, only saw a few months ago. Hey, you know what I just thought of? Wouldn't it be great if Italian guys from Brooklyn did the "you talking to me?" scene in bars? Over and over and over? You just don't see that, do you? Wouldn't that be awesome? Camon, Brooklyn Italian guys! Yes, i AM dalkindoyouse!!!!!
Star Wars - tuff to picture anything bigger than this, eh? When I was a kid, it was all Star Wars. Everything you could possibly buy, it all had Star Wars on it. I don't think I owned a Trapper Keeper that didn't have Star Wars on it til 4th grade, when of course like boys all across the land I switched to "On Golden Pond."
The Deer Hunter - I've read that during the Russian Roulette scene De Niro wanted to use live rounds. I wish he thought of that while making "Analyze This."
Coal Miner's Daughter - Has a Shawshanky thing to it; ie you can watch, move into another apartment, and still catch the end of it. Also, you can watch it 338 times and still remark “hey, I’ve never seen this part before. Wow.”
The Elephant Man - Tough to watch; you spend the whole movie pissed at him for ditching Cher after getting her pregnant.
Raiders of the Lost Ark - when Harrison Ford decided to put it on cruise control, I'm guessing.
Gandhi - my dad pulled my brother and I outta school for the day to watch this. A 3-hour flick about Gandhi is a bit much for a 5th grader; ever since then I've resented non-whites and the very thought of peace and will continue to dedicate my life to destroying both.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial - again, a huge event. How is this not on TBS constantly?
The Big Chill - a cozy movie I like to fold into. Whatever the fuck that means. Officially depressing now cause I think I'm now older than what those characters were supposed to be. Famously was supposed to be Kevin Costner's first role; he was the dead body. How does your only scene get cut and you still get typecast? Poor bastard.
The Right Stuff - actually only seen part of it, but I was reading the book on a flight a few years ago when the pilot announced we had to make an emergency landing. How ironic, I remember thinking.
Broadcast News - Albert Brooks, the Duckie of his generation. Man.
Fatal Attraction - I can suspend belief enough to watch Jedi Knights fight in outer space or an alien being addicted to Reese's pieces, but asking me to believe someone would even look at another chick when he's got Anne Archer back at home folding his socks is too much of a stretch. No way. Not happening. Even if she's to blame for shitting out that freak Muppet kid.
Rain Man - at the time, I thought Hoffman here was the single greatest acting performance ever. Then I saw "Meet the Fockers" and realized holy shit, he wasn't acting.
Mississippi Burning - great flick. Cast includes, I believe, the kid who played Eddie Winslow in "Family Matters" of Urkel fame. Which also starred an all-time Mrs. Xmastime, Telma Hopkins, who was in Tony Orlando and Dawn, as in Red Dawn starring Patrick Swayze as in who the fuck do I gotta blow to have "Road House" implanted into the inside of my eye lids?
Driving Miss Daisy - recently re-saw it, surprised at how much I liked it. Saw it in the theater cause I actually had a girlfriend at the time, so you'd go see every movie that came into town. Some we'd see twice, if they were about a Zen-living bouncer who could sew stitches into his own shoulder w/o anesthesia while working at a bar that goes through broken furniture like The Dukes of Hazzard went through cars.
Born on the Fourth of July - I like this now, but at the time this was actually the only movie I had ever considered walking out on. Was too much I guess. Or maybe I was pissed that Top Cat's pop was still alive, not giving him a reason to "push the envelope!" and "fly too close to the edge!!!"
Dead Poets' Society - saw this on our first date after my girlfriend and I had broken up after I found out she had driven into town with another guy. Which back then was the equivalent of what walking in on her in the middle of a Vatican City bukkake party would be now. A few weeks later we got back together and dedicated ourselves to loving each other forever. I feel sorry for her husband. Poor bastard, living a lie. I only wish the best for him. And their kid.
Field of Dreams - ugh Dances with Wolves - you're shitting me. Would you rather be locked into a room and forced to watch "Dances with Wolves", or just locked in a room with wolves?
Ghost - blech
Goodfellas - what can be said that hasn't already been said about Goodfellas?
JFK - say what you will, but that final monologue by K-Cost(tm) gets me every time.
A Few Good Men - this flick I love, it's my #1 "it's raining outside, get a tub of popcorn and curl up" movie. As opposed to my "it's raining outside, let's see how many consecutive hours I can have my hands fiddling with my balls" flicks, I guess.
Scent of a Woman - I've always liked the scene with his family, if only cause it features Josh Lyman. A reminder of back when America was flourishing under the wing of President Bartlett. Fucking Nader.
Forrest Gump - is there a bigger slut in movie history than Jenny from this flick? Camon. Strung along a retard for decades while fucking every dude in the country. If you don’t believe in karma after finding out she dies of AIDS, you never will.
Four Weddings and a Funeral - You can imagine my surprise when I realized I had the title backwards; going in I thought this was about Lynyrd Skynyrd. Disappointing.
Pulp Fiction - liked it. Can't sit through it again, but Sam Jackson's scene is an all-timer for sure.
Quiz Show - don't remember a thing about it.
The Shawshank Redemption - I find it hard to believe I'll go much longer without a whole Shawshank post, so I'll leave it for now. But yes, surprisingly few Mrs. Xmastimes in this one.
Braveheart - whole thing coulda been about 11 minutes long; these scenes repeat more than me after eating raw chicken in San Juan.
Apollo 13 - LOOOOOOVE this flick, I watch it every time it comes on. Ed Harris should win an Oscar just for looking exactly like his character in real life. And is it possible to NOT know that Kathleen Quinlan must be a ridiculously filthy whore in bed? Camon. My girl.
Sense and Sensibility - the only thing more embarrassing than my going to see this flick is that I can't even claim a chick dragged me there.
Fargo - too much midwestern accent. we get it: they're idiots. move on already.
Jerry Maguire - loved Top Cat in this one too. The Jay Mohr "it ain't show friends, it's show business" is one of many lines I'll hear in a movie and think "oooohh, gotta remember that and pull it out at a party!" And yes, I say the same thing about my dick, so. After this movie, would you have guessed that Cuba Gooding Jrs' next big role would be sniffing Michael Jordan's underwear? Christ.
As Good as It Gets - if you switch one word in this title with it’s antonym, you get my review.
Good Will Hunting - the moment we all realized you know what, Robin Williams is better as a dramatic actor than as a comedic one. and that Ben Affleck is the worst actor in the world. Tho we all had no idea Sarah Silverman was fucking Matt Damon. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Say, when are the writers coming back again?
Saving Private Ryan - years before this movie I would tell the story of my grandmother losing all 6 of her brothers in World War I (or, as Rrthur would say, The War.) But now I'm wondering if it's apocryphal; I have no idea where I heard it. Maybe I'll ask my uncle next time I talk to him. Now that I think about it, I should interview him and post it here; having an uncle who used to turn into a werewolf while playing basketball could be blogging gold here. Hmm. And you should’ve seen how I spelled “apocryphal” before spell-check caught it. A train wreck.
American Beauty - okay, but whenever I re-watch it I just wish there were more of those dining room scenes.
Erin Brockovich - until Wayne Knight plays both roles in "John Candy and Chris Farley Go to the Beach", this is my favorite cleavage movie.
A Beautiful Mind - girl I liked went to see this on a date before we started up, so that always bugs me.
Gangs of New York - like Jack Black in "High Fidelity", I'd rather see all of Daniel Day-Lewis' scenes boiled down onto a tape than the rest of the movie.
Lost in Translation - liked it in the theater, can't watch it on tv. Really cemented the "Bill Murray sleepwalking on camera" routine for him, didn't it?
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - don't remember much of the movie, but me and Op ate 15 goddam boiled hot dogs that night. Burp.
Ray - a Faustian bargain: Jamie Foxx gave us a great performance, but then we had to sit there and watch him promote his shitty album for the next 3 years.
Brokeback Mountain - see here.
Little Miss Sunshine - see here.
Fashion Week!
The next Xmastime Fashion Week video is up! I was, dare I say, en fuego. Tho I do miss my sidekick, the Queen of Ireland.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Manny Tapes
On the Atkins Diet. And feeding the boy fried chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuits. Smelling them, on my hands, inches from my mouf. I'm fucking dying.
"Christ. Even I feel bad for your fat ass (inhaling biscuit)."
"Christ. Even I feel bad for your fat ass (inhaling biscuit)."
Rock of Love II
How come Bret Michaels can come up with all those "will you stay and rock my world?"
speeches every week, but still can't write a song since "Every Rose Has a Thorn"?
Gee. Wonder what he's playing.
speeches every week, but still can't write a song since "Every Rose Has a Thorn"?
Gee. Wonder what he's playing.
The Godfather
I mentioned this yesterday and nobody seemed bothered by it. But if you're Johnny Fontaine and you know you're gonna be hitting Don Corleone up for a big favor, why would you show up at his daughter's wedding late? Knowing you're gonna ask for a favor, and knowing what The Godfather does to people when he's miffed, and knowing how important the wedding of his only daughter would be, wouldn't you make sure you showed up respectfully early? What the fuck?
And also it seems Micahel breezes in late too. To his sister's wedding? Really? I must have missed something with that one. I'm sure my fellow cinebuffs will fill me in.
And also it seems Micahel breezes in late too. To his sister's wedding? Really? I must have missed something with that one. I'm sure my fellow cinebuffs will fill me in.
The Oscars by the Numbers
Number of movies nominated for any award I saw in the theater: 1
Number of all-time Best Picture winners I’ve seen out of 80: 15
Number I saw in the theater: 2
Number of Mrs. Xmastimes that appeared on the TV screen: 129
Number of times I announced to everybody “Boy, I’d like to get up in that!” 331
Number of Times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 11
Number of laughs I got from all the times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 0
Number of Times I Said “Boy, that dead celebs montage was disappointing, wasn’t it?”: 18
Number of Times I thought “Oh fuck that, Gordon coulda knocked that role outta the park”: 2
Really: 85
Number of times I said to everyone “oh yeah, sure, I’ll definitely see that on cable”: 21
Number of movies I really will: 2
Number of times I’ll watch Dutch again: 37
Number of times a “joke” by Jon Stewart left the room sounding like someone had just cut one: 77
Number of minutes I just spent trying to use “cut one” again: 14
Number of times throughout the 700 minute show I griped about the whole thing being " Blah blah blah, lets pat ourselves on the back with more awards, blah blah blah": 49
Number of all-time Best Picture winners I’ve seen out of 80: 15
Number I saw in the theater: 2
Number of Mrs. Xmastimes that appeared on the TV screen: 129
Number of times I announced to everybody “Boy, I’d like to get up in that!” 331
Number of Times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 11
Number of laughs I got from all the times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 0
Number of Times I Said “Boy, that dead celebs montage was disappointing, wasn’t it?”: 18
Number of Times I thought “Oh fuck that, Gordon coulda knocked that role outta the park”: 2
Really: 85
Number of times I said to everyone “oh yeah, sure, I’ll definitely see that on cable”: 21
Number of movies I really will: 2
Number of times I’ll watch Dutch again: 37
Number of times a “joke” by Jon Stewart left the room sounding like someone had just cut one: 77
Number of minutes I just spent trying to use “cut one” again: 14
Number of times throughout the 700 minute show I griped about the whole thing being " Blah blah blah, lets pat ourselves on the back with more awards, blah blah blah": 49
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Movie Review
I will give it a second chance, but I must say I wasn't as in love with the movie The Grapes of Wrath as I thought (hoped) I'd be. The Grapes of Wrath being my favorite book of all time, I think I probably expected too much, I might've piled on too much expectation/hype. It is a really really good movie, but I think I was expecting more. It having to be wrapped up in 2+ hours, I found it jumped past too much; right away it seemed like they were already in California. I guess it's more a testament to the details in the novel, while reading it you feel gritty dirt in your teeth, you feel the rocking bounce of the car held together by string. After a while you feel like you're taking the tarp off and putting it back on again and again, you can feel the scraping on the pan as Ma Joad tries to save all the grease she can. Maybe it's just not possible for a movie to live up to that. After first viewing, I can't say it's as close to the book in terms of greatness as To Kill a Mockingbird is to it's own novel. And the ending was disappointing to me, the "we're gonna be allllllllright!" that to me differed greatly to the tone in the book.
The cast was great though; you feel like they're a real family. They always seem to be flapping into each other and talking to nobody in particular. Tho someone needs to explain how here we are in the thick of the Depression, nobody's got food to eat and everybody's beyond rail thin, yet somehow, the person in charge of the food is about 300 pounds. Hmm. Seriously, I think I saw a whole chicken fall out of the corner of Ma Joad's mouth in one scene
The look of the movie is incredible, that stark black and whiteness that's it's own character. A combination of bigness and nothingness til the horizon.
One thing you're reminded of in a movie like that is how naturally more handy/resourceful men were in generations past. You get the feeling that any one of 'em, they could start tinkering with that brokedick car and after a few hours you'd come back and they've rebuilt it as the Space Shuttle using some Brill Creem and a tit mouse. I doubt they sat at Rick's House of Lube flipping through Southern Living while someone change their oil for $36, know what I mean? Also, what's his face "living off the land" at the old Joad house. Skinning squirrels for food, boiling rainwater. If that's me the first thing I do is give up and sit and wait for somebody to invent Domino's Pizza.
And isn't it hard to believe or remember how people used to get together before computers and cell phones? Christ. TWICE Tom just happens to bump into Casey, each time about 1500 miles apart. "Oh, hey." When does that ever happen? Hell, I bump into my roommate in my loft, I'm mildly surprised. That I'm not homeless. No no, you know what I mean. And you could ask me to meet you across the street, but if I can't mapquest/hopstop how to get there and then call you to find out exactly where you are according to my GPS locator then I'm like fuck it, I'm not going. And god forbid I lose my cell phone, I'd be like "well, that's it, I will never ever see those people again." Meanwhile Tom's Mom was talking how relieved she was that he showed up just in time to go to California with them and he says "oh, I'da found you." Really? How the fuck is that?
As I said, I'll dial back the expectations a tad and watch again, try to appreciate it more for it's own thing than compare it to the book so much.
The cast was great though; you feel like they're a real family. They always seem to be flapping into each other and talking to nobody in particular. Tho someone needs to explain how here we are in the thick of the Depression, nobody's got food to eat and everybody's beyond rail thin, yet somehow, the person in charge of the food is about 300 pounds. Hmm. Seriously, I think I saw a whole chicken fall out of the corner of Ma Joad's mouth in one scene
The look of the movie is incredible, that stark black and whiteness that's it's own character. A combination of bigness and nothingness til the horizon.
One thing you're reminded of in a movie like that is how naturally more handy/resourceful men were in generations past. You get the feeling that any one of 'em, they could start tinkering with that brokedick car and after a few hours you'd come back and they've rebuilt it as the Space Shuttle using some Brill Creem and a tit mouse. I doubt they sat at Rick's House of Lube flipping through Southern Living while someone change their oil for $36, know what I mean? Also, what's his face "living off the land" at the old Joad house. Skinning squirrels for food, boiling rainwater. If that's me the first thing I do is give up and sit and wait for somebody to invent Domino's Pizza.
And isn't it hard to believe or remember how people used to get together before computers and cell phones? Christ. TWICE Tom just happens to bump into Casey, each time about 1500 miles apart. "Oh, hey." When does that ever happen? Hell, I bump into my roommate in my loft, I'm mildly surprised. That I'm not homeless. No no, you know what I mean. And you could ask me to meet you across the street, but if I can't mapquest/hopstop how to get there and then call you to find out exactly where you are according to my GPS locator then I'm like fuck it, I'm not going. And god forbid I lose my cell phone, I'd be like "well, that's it, I will never ever see those people again." Meanwhile Tom's Mom was talking how relieved she was that he showed up just in time to go to California with them and he says "oh, I'da found you." Really? How the fuck is that?
As I said, I'll dial back the expectations a tad and watch again, try to appreciate it more for it's own thing than compare it to the book so much.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
I Will Live On!!!
Earlier today I get a call from my brother, who tells me that what do you know, Paddy Mac has inherited one of my traits! Wow, I think, how cool is that. My sense of humor? My athleticism, my musical “talent”? Ability to remember birthdays? What could it be?
I believe I’ve spoken before on this blog (I always say that, don’t I? “on this blog”…as if maybe it was on Xmastime, maybe it was in the Washington Post, maybe it was in a MASH script. What a idiot) about, after growing up in a house with 6 people sharing 1 bathroom, my love of taking my time on the bowl. I routinely spend 20, 30 minutes sitting peacefully on my throne, reading without a care in the world. Anytime you think to yourself “where’s Xmastime?” you can picture me sitting on the can, and odds are you’ll be right.
Well, turns out Paddy Mac treasures his porcelain time too. Apparently toilet training him took about 10 minutes, lil man to it like a duck to…toilet bowl water. My brother said once he gets on there he loves to take his time, settle in for awhile, relax. My guy! Now no matter what, we’ll always have a bond.
Then today his mom is looking for him, and finds him sitting on the bowl (if he starts calling it his “office”, I’m really gonna get choked up.) But not only is he sitting there, but apparently after a few minutes of staring at the shower curtain he said “hmm, what’s this?” and there she finds him contentedly looking at an issue of The Economist while doing God’s work. Fucking awesome. Paddy Mac!!!!!
Me on my bathroom love here.
I believe I’ve spoken before on this blog (I always say that, don’t I? “on this blog”…as if maybe it was on Xmastime, maybe it was in the Washington Post, maybe it was in a MASH script. What a idiot) about, after growing up in a house with 6 people sharing 1 bathroom, my love of taking my time on the bowl. I routinely spend 20, 30 minutes sitting peacefully on my throne, reading without a care in the world. Anytime you think to yourself “where’s Xmastime?” you can picture me sitting on the can, and odds are you’ll be right.
Well, turns out Paddy Mac treasures his porcelain time too. Apparently toilet training him took about 10 minutes, lil man to it like a duck to…toilet bowl water. My brother said once he gets on there he loves to take his time, settle in for awhile, relax. My guy! Now no matter what, we’ll always have a bond.
Then today his mom is looking for him, and finds him sitting on the bowl (if he starts calling it his “office”, I’m really gonna get choked up.) But not only is he sitting there, but apparently after a few minutes of staring at the shower curtain he said “hmm, what’s this?” and there she finds him contentedly looking at an issue of The Economist while doing God’s work. Fucking awesome. Paddy Mac!!!!!
Me on my bathroom love here.
The Grapes of Wrath
FINALLY FINALLY FINLLY after reading the book every summer with dirt in my teeth I'm watching the movie. Always bewildered why they never seemed to show this American Classic, then a while back I noticed that AMC was showing it fairly regularly...at 4am. Who's the wizard behind this one? "Grapes of Wrath? Henry Fonda, 4 stars, Steinbeck, #7 on AFI All-Time...sounds like 4am to me, Ricky." Thanks to tivo the shoe's on the other foot now.
So far 0 Mrs. Xmastimes. Yikes.
UPDATE: on a hunch, checked the guide. Guess what's coming on at 4am this coming morning? Freakin a.
Am I High?
Hold up. I know we're supposed to be obsessing on the image of someone other than his wife fucking Mr. Paper Mache Head, but did anyone notice McCain voted against a bill that would ban waterboarding and other torture methods? What the fuck, I thought he was the "he was tortured so he would never allow it, he's Mr. Honorable Soldier" candidate? Did I only dream I had read that a million times before? What a Douchy McDoucherson. And in a hundred year war like McCain is hoping for, that's a lot of fucking water.
Zapruder in the Hizzee?
Besides the whole thing being whack, anyone else a tad curious re: which city this occured in? What the fuck? Is Dallas trying to become to presidential assassinations what Las Vegas is to gambling? Camon.
And yes, I know he's not president yet.
And yes, I know he's not president yet.
It Gets Worse
Anybody else disappointed in Roger Clemens? I mean, what the fuck...going to the same party as an 11 year-old? What the fuck? Not really how I picture major league ballplayers raising the roof. Not exactly Ball Four stuff, eh? Disappointing.
Dial-a-Gordon
I'm watching "Kitchen Nightmares" right now and it occurs to me boy, wouldn't it be great if everybody had someone at the top of their own profession come in for a week and really show them how to kick ass at their job? I was daydreaming about hanging out with my own vocation's version of Gordon Ramsay when it occured to me who that would probably be.
Hmm. Maybe not so cool after all.
Hmm. Maybe not so cool after all.
The Manny Tapes
Although I've relished every second of my vacation, I do miss the little guy. One of his comically small socks is in the middle of the living room floor, and all week long I haven't been able to bring myself to pick it up and put it away. Ah well, reunited tomorrow, just hope he remembers me.
"HAHAHAHAA!!!!....wait, who are you?"
"HAHAHAHAA!!!!....wait, who are you?"
Diet Update
Today's Topic: YET ANOTHER REASON TO FUCKING HATE DEREK JETER:
“My issue has always been putting weight on. I have a real tough time gaining weight. In past offseasons I’d eat as much as I could to try and gain weight"
Oh goody, he doesn't have enuff going for him, he gets this too? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“My issue has always been putting weight on. I have a real tough time gaining weight. In past offseasons I’d eat as much as I could to try and gain weight"
Oh goody, he doesn't have enuff going for him, he gets this too? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring Back The West Wing!!!
I understand this is a loose, humorous analagy, but it did make me think "can you compare electing a Latino president to electing a black man president?" I doubt the country has dedicated as much energy hating/mistreating Latinos as we have to black people. Then I thought about every day on tv when some dipshit is asked what's a bigger deal, electing a black man or a woman president, which they never seem to really answer. But to me, electing a black man president is a way bigger deal, way more of a surprise. I mean, we should be able to assume that 100% of the population has a connection to a woman, be it a mother or wife or sister or girlfriend etc etc. Both the idea of supporting a woman for office as well as a woman being capable through a man's eyes would not be foreign to this percentage of the population. Can the same thing be said for a black candidate?
Raisin in the Sun
Though he is the single worst rapper in the history of the world, for some reason there is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that Sean Puff Daddy P. Diddy Puffy Diddy Puffnmuff Combs will be amazing in Raisin in the Sun, which is on Monday night. Looking forward to it.
Equals MySpace
Sorry, last Equals post I promise!! Here's the I guess #1 fan Myspace joint. Be on the lookout for "Softly Softly", "Laurel and Hardy", "Diversion", list goes on and on. Point is, go out and buy some Equals. They will be one of your favorite bands, I promise.
EQUALS Update
Obviously that isn't Eddy Grant in the Equals video below. I used that video cause the sound was much better, but here's the REAL Equals for you. Sliiiiiiiiice!
Snow Day
I was already depressed about my vacation ending. Now there's a silent beautiful snow falling, and I'm even more depressed cause I wish it would last forever.
The Greatest Band of All Time?
I would not argue:
I've prolly heard 50 songs of theirs, and each is a fucking #1 single in it's own genre. Soul/funk/rick/punk/whatever, they did it. And yeah, their singer/songwriter/guitar player was the same Eddy Grant that 14 years later scored with "Electric Avenue." But he will go down in history as the leader of one of the greatest bands of all time. The Equals. Unreal.
Oh gee....and guess what ELSE they wrote...
I've prolly heard 50 songs of theirs, and each is a fucking #1 single in it's own genre. Soul/funk/rick/punk/whatever, they did it. And yeah, their singer/songwriter/guitar player was the same Eddy Grant that 14 years later scored with "Electric Avenue." But he will go down in history as the leader of one of the greatest bands of all time. The Equals. Unreal.
Oh gee....and guess what ELSE they wrote...
Worlds Colliding
It was almost a year ago I fell in love with her...I loved her song, she was amazing, and her being horse-faced sealed the deal. In love. But then she threw me a curveball - the next song of hers I heard, I might've liked even more:
Stick your blood into somebody else's heart. Fucking a.
And then I saw her do a version of "Real Love", which was my super Anthology slice (if somebody can explain why they released "Free as a Bird" first please do, I'd love to know..."Real Love" is an amazing song, with the 3rd best drumming on a Beatles song Ringo's ever done...) and that was it, down for the count, I was in love...and just when I thought I had forgotten about my girl, just when I was ready to name my first four kids "Rehab", I hear this cut, which is ALSO a super slice.
Regina Spektor. The girl I'm in love with, but also my favorite new artist of the last two years. Her and Winehouse; when the fuck was the last time my 2 favorite artists were girls? Newton-John/Newton-John?
Stick your blood into somebody else's heart. Fucking a.
And then I saw her do a version of "Real Love", which was my super Anthology slice (if somebody can explain why they released "Free as a Bird" first please do, I'd love to know..."Real Love" is an amazing song, with the 3rd best drumming on a Beatles song Ringo's ever done...) and that was it, down for the count, I was in love...and just when I thought I had forgotten about my girl, just when I was ready to name my first four kids "Rehab", I hear this cut, which is ALSO a super slice.
Regina Spektor. The girl I'm in love with, but also my favorite new artist of the last two years. Her and Winehouse; when the fuck was the last time my 2 favorite artists were girls? Newton-John/Newton-John?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tonight's Kitchen Nightmares Review
Amazing...just when you think Gordon's falling into a cariacature of "screaming at the chef!!!" et al nonsense, he throws you a curve. Tonight he was at his loosest, his funniest, and you could tell he respected the chef a lot and didn't play to the cameras re: telling him how much he sucked. He completely changed everything about the menu (Indian!), had great idea after great idea and completely saved the joint without falling prey to tv's nasty editors. Top 5. With a Michelin Bullet.
Yet Another Reason to Love Gordon Ramsay
Here is he Mr. Biggest Chef in the World, Mr. TV Star, Mr. Bazillionaire, and as I'm watching tonite's new episode I realize hey...I've seen him wear that sweater before! Awesome.
"Let's hope you never hafta see this shirt again, you (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) donkey!"
"Let's hope you never hafta see this shirt again, you (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) donkey!"
LET Me See If I Have This Right...
...was fucking
...and now is gettin up in
For fuck's sake. I'm going back to school; apparently the first time through I missed EVERYthing.
OhoOh.
I can't believe I'm cheating on Gordon and skipping the new KN for AI right now. But 1) I'm ridiculously over-excited to see how close Mamalizza comes to 100% right with her picks, and 2) it repeats again at 11...and 12...and tomorrow..twice.
Sorry Gordon, you're still my #1!! See you at 11 buddy!
Sorry Gordon, you're still my #1!! See you at 11 buddy!
I Can't Be the Only One Who Sees This, Can I?
and brah, I like you...run with this, show some sense of humor and for your next number put on a top hat and be this guy:
you would KILL!!!
Old School 1, New School 0
What sucks about drunk texting and emailing taking over for old school drunk dialing is that in the old days, if the girl could tell early enough that you're shitfaced (usually not too tuff in my case, natch) she could cut you off before you make a complete fool of yourself and say hey look you're drunk let's talk tomorrow. Right? But a text, or an email...there's no tone, the telltale signs (slurring/yelling/calling in the first place etc etc) aren't there. And even if she does somehow pick up you know what, I think he's drunk, there's no WAY she's not gonna read the whole thing. How can she, it's right there for her. Is she not human?
I feel like we've taken a step backwards here. I fear for the next generation of great, drunken, could-be Romeos. I don't know what to tell you, fellas.
I feel like we've taken a step backwards here. I fear for the next generation of great, drunken, could-be Romeos. I don't know what to tell you, fellas.
I Just Hope There's No Lewd Photos Available
Whatever your thoughts on the McCain Affair Story, or the New York Times, or McCain himself, are we really supposed to believe the NYT made all this public because now that McCain is pretty much the GOP winner they wanna "bury!" him? I mean, does anybody really think he even has a prayer of becoming President? His own party hates him, you have the feeling the Republicans were basically looking to sit this one out, send McCain up for slaughter like they did Dole and regroup. Having to get and bury McCain seems unnecessary right now; I hope a sleeping dog ain't been woke.
Jack Frost. Wow.
Is the opening scene of Jack Frost the dumbest, most implausible one in movie history? Hmm. Bar band of 50 year olds in Denver playing by-the-numbers "blues", and there's a thousand fans there losing their minds while records label dudes race on their cellphones to sign them? Jesus. By the time Michael Keaton comes back to life as a snowman you're like yeah, well, okay, this I might actually believe. #1 on my list of "Movie Scenes That are SO Pulverizingly Awful I Scan The Guide to See When They're Coming on Again So I Can Shake MY Head in Disbelief for 10 Minutes" list.
"You pussies make me look like James Fucking Brown, for chrissake!!"
"You pussies make me look like James Fucking Brown, for chrissake!!"
Keep It in the Can Please
I can't stand people that wander around the house, hanging out chit-chatting while they're brushing their teeth. What is this for? Hey, if I wanted to see what you do while performing your toilette I'd do what any normal man would and drill a tiny hole in the wall in direct line with the mirror. But I didn't did I? Are you trying to impress me with how great a toothbrusher you are, are you hoping there's some scouts in the living room? "Miller? Yeah, he's good. Definitely ready for The Show. Make the call" Knock it off.
USA! USA! USA!!
YES!!! I told you motherscratchers and I'll say it again, YES WE CAN!!!! Eff you nonbelieving faggots!!! Fuck YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Maybe I'll Ask Paris
Are there shipping heirs that aren't Greek? Fucking hell. You never hear "Timmy, the shipping heir from Maine..." or some such. If you've heard of them, they're Greek. Besides getting to claim male on male sodomy, the Greeks own this one too?
2 Heirs (is inhuman)
2 Heirs (is inhuman)
Suicide Trucks
For some reason today my mind flashed to my senior year English teacher's husband killing himself right before school started that year. Wrote a note to his wife and two kids, then walked in front of a bus. I can't say that would be my #1 way of offing myself. For one, even if only for a split second, that's a lot of pain. And there's also a chance you live; people get hit by cars every day and live. Then you'd look like a fucking idiot, right? Maybe you could try to explain it away as an accident, but let's remember you probably did the whole thing in part to get some attention anyways, right? Mostly, the hardest part to me would be picking the truck. I mean, I'd want the truck that kills me, literally the last thing I ever see, to be to my liking, no? I would think you'd let a few pass: too small, too flashy, Mel's RotoRooter, hell no, etc etc. You'd want it to be a reflection of yourself, I would think. And what if you were doing it cause some dude was fucking your wife - well, you'd wanna make sure it wasn't dude's truck you let do you in, right? Though in a perfect world, it'd be your cheating scumbag wife whose truck you walked into, THAT would fucking show her, right? Now she's gotta live with that the rest of her life, plus it's hard to be fucking dude if she's doing 5-7 for involuntary manslaughter (let's face it, she'd have motive.) Of course, in a "perfect world", I guess you wouldn't be killing yourself. Anyways. How many times do you think some guy's stood on the curb waiting for the right truck to come along, but eventually gave up cause he didn't like his choices? "Aw, these trucks are fucking gay, fuck this" and went back home?
Miss No Eyes (slut)
Now this don't understand at all. I assume "Aria" is a porn star, and I assume you've chosen this particular "male masturbator" cause you're a fan of her "work." So what would be the point if you can't see her whole face? Who's the wizard behind this - "oh, lets save on plastic and chop the thing off just over the lips"? Why bother having it endorsed by any specific porn star then? And if I'm into the whole male masturbator scene, wouldn't I wanna be able to jizz on her fake eyes so I can fantasize she's blinded long enough for me to steal everything from her house before running out, like in real life? What the fuck.
Can We Do ANYTHING Right Anymore?
I read in the paper today that the CIA has plotted to kill Castro 638 times. 638? They've tried and failed to kill him 638 times? are you shitting ME? Who the fuck has been running this operation?
Oh Yeah. This'll Happen.
Anybody else pretty much have no faith in us pulling this one off? Let's see: the military, the Pentagon, and this administration getting together to shoot this thing outta the sky. The people for whom the phrase "the gang that couldn't shoot" was coined. Year after year of bungled military decisions, botched plans and complete ineptitude and we're supposed to believe they can pull this off? Seems like the only thing these people have successfully pulled off is the assassination of Pat Tillman, no? Christ. Pull up a lawn chair and a bucket of popcorn for this one. Tho I am surprised Prezdick hasn't used this opportunity to scare the hell out of us and ratchet the Terror Alert up. "There's an evil, radical missile coming at us! It wants to destroy us cause it hates our freedom!" Next thing you know we're giving $100B more to Halliburton and we hafta let the government know every time we jerk off to "Who's the Boss." Christ.
And why does this cost $60M? Can't we just get Bruce Willis to do it? Film it, call it "Die Hard 5" and MAKE some money off it? Camon.
And why does this cost $60M? Can't we just get Bruce Willis to do it? Film it, call it "Die Hard 5" and MAKE some money off it? Camon.
Greatest Hits, Track 1
Because I'm on vacation, because I'm lazy and, let's be honest, there's nothing I like to do more than pat myself on the back, today I'm posting one of my "Greatest Hits." This one is from March 14, 2006. Enjoy! (self-patting)
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I'll Call When I've Got...No Class
I spent the last 3 days in a continuing-ed class for my job. No matter how many of these things I take as an adult, I always revert back to being in school as a kid: sit down, shut up, and don’t mess around with crap. But everyone else just strolls around, brings in chips, yammers away etc. Me, I’m in the corner assuming that someone’s about to start screaming at me any second. I have begun to notice throughout the years however that in every class, there are some of the same fucking characters that keep popping up. Such as:
1) THE GUY THAT ASKS A THOUSAND QUESTIONS. We all know how these classes work – you gotta do them for your profession, to cross them off on your to-do list to keep whatever license current. So you show up, sign the attendance sheet and get the hell on with your life. Even the instructors are like “I will try to get you out of here early if we can cover the material.” Which means “I’ll stand here and talk for a few hours, and if you let me run through this garbage as quickly as possible without fucking bothering me we can leave in time for you to get home and rub one out to the Tyra Banks Show.” We all know this and respect it. But there’s always ONE jackass who wants to fucking ask question after question and so then we don’t get out early. The class is fuming at him, the instructor is staring at him and trying to shut him up using a jedi mind-trick, but the dude won’t stop asking questions. But the best part is, they're not even good questions, it’s not about concepts – it’s always him latching onto one question and then WANTING TO PAINT EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO!!!!!!! If you’re a pet groomer, for example, it would go like this
Instructor “…as so, when washing animals use soap and water…”
Guy: “what about horses? Should we use soap and water for horses?”
Instructor: “Yes, of course, soap and water for horses. So, as we-“
Guy: “I’ve got 2 dogs, what about them? Soap and water for them?”
Instructor: “Yes. Dogs too. Now, if w-“
Guy: “What about hamsters?”
Instructors: “Yes. (icy ‘please shut up stare’ now settling in). Now, -“
Guy: “What if I wanna wash dogs AND hamsters, should I use soap and water?”
You get the picture. Meanwhile every fucking inane question he asks adds onto the class time, driving you insane with rage. Your only hope here is that someone confronts him in the bathroom during a break and tosses him out the fucking window. Otherwise, a 4:45pm stop time means 4:45pm. Unreal.
A close cousin to this jackass is the middle-aged woman who wants to regale the class with anecdote after anecdote of every fucking thing her company has even done, every case that has ever come up. SHUT UP YOU OLD BAG!!!!! This person also needs to be “dealt with” during a break.
2) THE LEADER. There’s always some dude who, within the first hour of the class, steps in and says something almost intelligent. Everyone quickly assumes this guy is some sort of expert in the field, and as the day goes on they defer to him and ask him questions etc. You can see this guy come to life all of a sudden – one morning he wakes up desperate to hang himself in his room (i.e. his parents’ basement) cause he’s 42 and the last date he went on was prom with his Aunt Gussie, and now here he is in a room of people looking at him as if he’s Ron Jeremy at a dick convention. New life!! The best thing to look for here is the next day, when he shows up in some new “trendy” clothes, maybe some sunglasses et al and really tries to milk this moment for all it’s worth. Good for him, cause in a matter of hours it’s back to Bay Ridge to scrape mama’s feet. But what a run!!!
3) LATE METRO GUY. This is the douchebag that strolls in an hour late – the class is settled in, it’s quiet etc. Now this guy comes in, finds a chair and then spends half an hour unwrapping himself. First while standing in the middle of the room he’s gotta carefully take off his $800 leather jacket and fold it like he’s in the fucking color guard at Arlington so he can lay it on the next desk. Then he sits down and starts ripping through his paper bag (all, mind you, while the instructor is talking) and now we gotta watch him lay out his latte, his mango-pineapple juice, and his fucking egg-white & cream cheese bagel while he text-messages everyone he’s ever known on earth. He doesn’t think for a second “maybe I should try to be as quiet and inconspicuous as possible, since, after all, I did insult these people by wandering in an hour late like a fucking asshole” like a normal person might, he just snorts and huffs his way through everything, oblivious to the 100 eyes staring at him. He’s probably glad he’s getting to showcase his newest button-down shirt with a VERY high collar and unbuttoned cuffs that dangle at the end of his arms. Fuck you.
4) THE FRIEND OF THE INSTRUCTOR. As you go around the room in the beginning, you say “Hi, I’m Kieran, I work for blahblahblah” and there’s always one guy that actually works on the outside with the instructor, which he happily points out. Number one, this guy is almost always gay. I don’t know why, it just always works out that way. “Hi, I’m Tommy, and I actually WORK with Paul, hi Paul! (big wave).” Now this jackass feels special, and throughout the day he’ll jump up to assist, and make inside jokes and make knowing “oh, we know this, don’t we buddy” looks to the instructor throughout the day. Not that you really care, but it’s one more thing to aggravate you as you sit there all day locked up in class while your friends are at Happy Wong’s Ass Club getting happy endings in the back while eating themselves out of a mountain of pork fried rice. Do you need this? No. The only redemption is the next day when it’s a different instructor and the dude looks crushed a he becomes just another shithead with a desk.
5) THE OLD-TIMER. This is a guy that was in the business 100 years ago, and has decided for whatever reason to “get back in the game.” His main look is utter confusion and he doesn’t believe a fucking word anybody says. “What? You think you can sell widgets for $100? No way, no way young man. When I was at the top, you were the king if they sold for $25!!!” Meanwhile of course things have happened in that interim – the Cold War, the European Economic Community, Pluto has become a planet etc. He’s incredulous and leaves every class shaking his head knowing we’re all crazy. Luckily he’s been up since 5am so by 3 o’ clock he’s totally bushed and can barely keep his eyes open, so he eventually shuts up.
6) THE HI-LITER. This is always a young girl who, upon being given a textbook or any printed pages of info immediately begins highlighting everything on the page. “oooh, yes (hi-lite)…ooooh, yes (hi-light)..” til before you know it 95% of the page is in neon yellow. I’m like hey dumbass, the purpose of a hi-liter is to make certain sentences STAND OUT; now when you look at a page it’s the un-hi-lited stuff that jumps out. Idiot. And yes, I have no idea if it’s “hi-lite” or “highlight” or “high-light” or “kiss my ass”, but there ya go.
7) THE ONE HOT GIRL. There’s always one, and only one, smoking Hot Girl in class. She sits at her desk, oblivious to all the dudes trying to catch her eye. It starts with you trying to catch her eye, stealing glances at her while the instructor blathers. Pretty soon you realize all the other dudes are trying to do the same thing, so you find yourself darting eyes at THEM to let them know “hey…dibs.” So now we got about 80 eyes spinning around in everybody’s heads. To the instructor we must look like lunatics, or like Japanese anime – I’m waiting for an instructor to all of a sudden drop to the floor with a massive seizure, like those kids in Japan. So it goes you try to eyeball hot girl/every other dude does too/dudes eyeball each other/BAM!!!! Hot chick leaves with Late Metro Dude. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This reminds me of a story, actually. My buddy Ryan and I went down for my little sister’s college graduation a few years back, and of course everybody got wasted/had a great time etc. At the end of the night Ryan and I were gonna share a bed in my sister’s room when in came this WASTED smoking-hot chick, whom we shall call, let’s say, Doris. She comes in all happy-drunk and immediately deposits herself in bed between Ryan and I and falls asleep. Now, me being a guy, I of course thing “hot girl in bed…well, I better stay awake in case she wants to, you know, do it.” Cause you know, if a girl wakes up in the middle of the night with a coupla strange dudes in bed with her, she’s prolly gonna want to have sex, and I don’t wanna miss out cause I’m sleeping. I figure a night of missed sleep is better than her saying the next morning “Gee, I woke up and wanted to have sex, but you were asleep so me & Ryan did it for 3 hours. Boy, you can sleep through ANYthing!” So I laid there all night, eyes wide open and every move/breath she took “ooooh yeah…here comes the fucking!!!” What an idiot. Of course, the next morning I find out that the whole night Ryan was on the other side of her, eyes wide open, doing the exact same thing. Hot chick sound asleep in the middle with two jackasses staring at the ceiling with hard ons. Typical.
8) THE SLEEPER. By mid-day there’s always one guy, whom you’ve seen struggling the whole time, finally hit the desk with his head and fall asleep. He will start snoring softly. We all crack up, even the instructor gets in on the act and cracks a few jokes, it’s all funny. After a few hours, the guy wakes up startled, we all have a laugh and the instructor says something “funny” like “Welcome back!” or a self-depricating remark about how boring his lecture must be. This, so far, is okay. If you’re the sleeper guy you get a pass – but if you’re the SECOND guy to fall asleep, you are not cute, you’re not funny, you’re just an asshole irritating everybody. Finally the instructor will snap at someone “hey – wake him up!” Not so cute this time around, little man.
There are, though a few people I would like to see in a classroom next time:
- The hot chick that wears a tank top/no bra and always has a nipple peeping out. That’d be cool.
- A dude that just can’t stop farting. How amazing would it be to have a dude cut one every 15 minutes. “sorry.” “sorry.” “whoops, that’s me, sorry.” I could die happily after that.
- Wheelchair guy. Dude in a wheelchair comes rolling in, knocks over desks trying to parallel park in a row, and refuses help of any kind. We’d all have to sit there and pretend we’re not staring as he knocks over everyone’s coffee and extends our day by an 2 hours. Super-bonus if he and the fart guy are the same person.
- Woman who insists on bringing in sweets for everyone every day. “I baked some cupcakes last night…” whatever happened to these women?
A final note on these classes: Breaks. These are for the people that literally have no fucking life to go home to. The instructor will always say “Ahhhmm, do you wanna take a break, or should we go straight through?” meaning “we can be out by 2:00 if you stay put.” But no, the class ALWAYS chooses for fucking breaks (AND an hour lunch!!!!). So the guy will reluctantly say “…okay. Let’s be back in 10 minutes.” Me, I don’t leave, I sit in my chair and try esp to force my will on people “sit down!! Let’s finish!!” Plus, I’m always terrified that if I get up and leave, go get some water from the water fountain, when I come back I will be greeted by a locked door with my stuff thrown in the hallway outside “you’re late, fuckface – blackballed!!!!” and I’ll hafta spend the rest of my life cleaning up 3-grade puke on school buses. BUT, OF COURSE, every fucking break is extended cause people without fail stroooooolllllll back into class a few minutes late, knuckles deep in another bag of Doritos without a care in the world. These people complain about being there, but then use every opportunity at their disposal to drag it out. Unbelievable. It’s the same thing if you go Greyhound – whenever I ride from NYC to DC, as we get near the Baltimore Travel Plaza the driver will ask if we wanna push through, or take a break. You can guess what the vote is. So he’ll say “okay, be back on the bus in 30 minutes.” I’m fuming cause we’re only an hour away, but these jackasses wanna stop for half a fucking hour. And then you know me – I think I have to be an Olympic sprinter, or I’ll be watching the bus pulling away. But I’m maybe starving, so I get off the bus, and it goes like this: SPRINT to Sbarro oh god, 3 people in line will take forever no time SPRINT to KFC fucking hell no time no time SPRINT to the vending machine and in a total panic buy purchase some Combos, of which I’m better off chewing on the back of the bus seat in front of me, SPRINT back to the bus and quickly find my seat, throw myself down in drenched in sweat and check the time and we only have…28 minutes left. Jesus Christ. But of course 30 minutes isn’t enough for these people, and it’s apparently against the laws of mechanical engineering for this bus to start moving again unless we’ve spent an extra 15 minutes waiting for people to wander back onto the bus, in absolutely no hurry at all. I’m clutching my fucking bag of Combos, keeping them in my jacket pocket so it doesn’t take up any space on the bus, and these people come back on the bus with three course meals fucking spread out. Buckets of greasy chicken, baked ziti in tin pans, unbelievable. NO hurry to get where we’re going. Same thing with class, these people are in NO hurry to get the fuck home.
So that was my weekend, people. Be glad it wasn’t this coming weekend, where I’d miss the first round of the tournament. Then I might have gotten a little pissed.
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I'll Call When I've Got...No Class
I spent the last 3 days in a continuing-ed class for my job. No matter how many of these things I take as an adult, I always revert back to being in school as a kid: sit down, shut up, and don’t mess around with crap. But everyone else just strolls around, brings in chips, yammers away etc. Me, I’m in the corner assuming that someone’s about to start screaming at me any second. I have begun to notice throughout the years however that in every class, there are some of the same fucking characters that keep popping up. Such as:
1) THE GUY THAT ASKS A THOUSAND QUESTIONS. We all know how these classes work – you gotta do them for your profession, to cross them off on your to-do list to keep whatever license current. So you show up, sign the attendance sheet and get the hell on with your life. Even the instructors are like “I will try to get you out of here early if we can cover the material.” Which means “I’ll stand here and talk for a few hours, and if you let me run through this garbage as quickly as possible without fucking bothering me we can leave in time for you to get home and rub one out to the Tyra Banks Show.” We all know this and respect it. But there’s always ONE jackass who wants to fucking ask question after question and so then we don’t get out early. The class is fuming at him, the instructor is staring at him and trying to shut him up using a jedi mind-trick, but the dude won’t stop asking questions. But the best part is, they're not even good questions, it’s not about concepts – it’s always him latching onto one question and then WANTING TO PAINT EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO!!!!!!! If you’re a pet groomer, for example, it would go like this
Instructor “…as so, when washing animals use soap and water…”
Guy: “what about horses? Should we use soap and water for horses?”
Instructor: “Yes, of course, soap and water for horses. So, as we-“
Guy: “I’ve got 2 dogs, what about them? Soap and water for them?”
Instructor: “Yes. Dogs too. Now, if w-“
Guy: “What about hamsters?”
Instructors: “Yes. (icy ‘please shut up stare’ now settling in). Now, -“
Guy: “What if I wanna wash dogs AND hamsters, should I use soap and water?”
You get the picture. Meanwhile every fucking inane question he asks adds onto the class time, driving you insane with rage. Your only hope here is that someone confronts him in the bathroom during a break and tosses him out the fucking window. Otherwise, a 4:45pm stop time means 4:45pm. Unreal.
A close cousin to this jackass is the middle-aged woman who wants to regale the class with anecdote after anecdote of every fucking thing her company has even done, every case that has ever come up. SHUT UP YOU OLD BAG!!!!! This person also needs to be “dealt with” during a break.
2) THE LEADER. There’s always some dude who, within the first hour of the class, steps in and says something almost intelligent. Everyone quickly assumes this guy is some sort of expert in the field, and as the day goes on they defer to him and ask him questions etc. You can see this guy come to life all of a sudden – one morning he wakes up desperate to hang himself in his room (i.e. his parents’ basement) cause he’s 42 and the last date he went on was prom with his Aunt Gussie, and now here he is in a room of people looking at him as if he’s Ron Jeremy at a dick convention. New life!! The best thing to look for here is the next day, when he shows up in some new “trendy” clothes, maybe some sunglasses et al and really tries to milk this moment for all it’s worth. Good for him, cause in a matter of hours it’s back to Bay Ridge to scrape mama’s feet. But what a run!!!
3) LATE METRO GUY. This is the douchebag that strolls in an hour late – the class is settled in, it’s quiet etc. Now this guy comes in, finds a chair and then spends half an hour unwrapping himself. First while standing in the middle of the room he’s gotta carefully take off his $800 leather jacket and fold it like he’s in the fucking color guard at Arlington so he can lay it on the next desk. Then he sits down and starts ripping through his paper bag (all, mind you, while the instructor is talking) and now we gotta watch him lay out his latte, his mango-pineapple juice, and his fucking egg-white & cream cheese bagel while he text-messages everyone he’s ever known on earth. He doesn’t think for a second “maybe I should try to be as quiet and inconspicuous as possible, since, after all, I did insult these people by wandering in an hour late like a fucking asshole” like a normal person might, he just snorts and huffs his way through everything, oblivious to the 100 eyes staring at him. He’s probably glad he’s getting to showcase his newest button-down shirt with a VERY high collar and unbuttoned cuffs that dangle at the end of his arms. Fuck you.
4) THE FRIEND OF THE INSTRUCTOR. As you go around the room in the beginning, you say “Hi, I’m Kieran, I work for blahblahblah” and there’s always one guy that actually works on the outside with the instructor, which he happily points out. Number one, this guy is almost always gay. I don’t know why, it just always works out that way. “Hi, I’m Tommy, and I actually WORK with Paul, hi Paul! (big wave).” Now this jackass feels special, and throughout the day he’ll jump up to assist, and make inside jokes and make knowing “oh, we know this, don’t we buddy” looks to the instructor throughout the day. Not that you really care, but it’s one more thing to aggravate you as you sit there all day locked up in class while your friends are at Happy Wong’s Ass Club getting happy endings in the back while eating themselves out of a mountain of pork fried rice. Do you need this? No. The only redemption is the next day when it’s a different instructor and the dude looks crushed a he becomes just another shithead with a desk.
5) THE OLD-TIMER. This is a guy that was in the business 100 years ago, and has decided for whatever reason to “get back in the game.” His main look is utter confusion and he doesn’t believe a fucking word anybody says. “What? You think you can sell widgets for $100? No way, no way young man. When I was at the top, you were the king if they sold for $25!!!” Meanwhile of course things have happened in that interim – the Cold War, the European Economic Community, Pluto has become a planet etc. He’s incredulous and leaves every class shaking his head knowing we’re all crazy. Luckily he’s been up since 5am so by 3 o’ clock he’s totally bushed and can barely keep his eyes open, so he eventually shuts up.
6) THE HI-LITER. This is always a young girl who, upon being given a textbook or any printed pages of info immediately begins highlighting everything on the page. “oooh, yes (hi-lite)…ooooh, yes (hi-light)..” til before you know it 95% of the page is in neon yellow. I’m like hey dumbass, the purpose of a hi-liter is to make certain sentences STAND OUT; now when you look at a page it’s the un-hi-lited stuff that jumps out. Idiot. And yes, I have no idea if it’s “hi-lite” or “highlight” or “high-light” or “kiss my ass”, but there ya go.
7) THE ONE HOT GIRL. There’s always one, and only one, smoking Hot Girl in class. She sits at her desk, oblivious to all the dudes trying to catch her eye. It starts with you trying to catch her eye, stealing glances at her while the instructor blathers. Pretty soon you realize all the other dudes are trying to do the same thing, so you find yourself darting eyes at THEM to let them know “hey…dibs.” So now we got about 80 eyes spinning around in everybody’s heads. To the instructor we must look like lunatics, or like Japanese anime – I’m waiting for an instructor to all of a sudden drop to the floor with a massive seizure, like those kids in Japan. So it goes you try to eyeball hot girl/every other dude does too/dudes eyeball each other/BAM!!!! Hot chick leaves with Late Metro Dude. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This reminds me of a story, actually. My buddy Ryan and I went down for my little sister’s college graduation a few years back, and of course everybody got wasted/had a great time etc. At the end of the night Ryan and I were gonna share a bed in my sister’s room when in came this WASTED smoking-hot chick, whom we shall call, let’s say, Doris. She comes in all happy-drunk and immediately deposits herself in bed between Ryan and I and falls asleep. Now, me being a guy, I of course thing “hot girl in bed…well, I better stay awake in case she wants to, you know, do it.” Cause you know, if a girl wakes up in the middle of the night with a coupla strange dudes in bed with her, she’s prolly gonna want to have sex, and I don’t wanna miss out cause I’m sleeping. I figure a night of missed sleep is better than her saying the next morning “Gee, I woke up and wanted to have sex, but you were asleep so me & Ryan did it for 3 hours. Boy, you can sleep through ANYthing!” So I laid there all night, eyes wide open and every move/breath she took “ooooh yeah…here comes the fucking!!!” What an idiot. Of course, the next morning I find out that the whole night Ryan was on the other side of her, eyes wide open, doing the exact same thing. Hot chick sound asleep in the middle with two jackasses staring at the ceiling with hard ons. Typical.
8) THE SLEEPER. By mid-day there’s always one guy, whom you’ve seen struggling the whole time, finally hit the desk with his head and fall asleep. He will start snoring softly. We all crack up, even the instructor gets in on the act and cracks a few jokes, it’s all funny. After a few hours, the guy wakes up startled, we all have a laugh and the instructor says something “funny” like “Welcome back!” or a self-depricating remark about how boring his lecture must be. This, so far, is okay. If you’re the sleeper guy you get a pass – but if you’re the SECOND guy to fall asleep, you are not cute, you’re not funny, you’re just an asshole irritating everybody. Finally the instructor will snap at someone “hey – wake him up!” Not so cute this time around, little man.
There are, though a few people I would like to see in a classroom next time:
- The hot chick that wears a tank top/no bra and always has a nipple peeping out. That’d be cool.
- A dude that just can’t stop farting. How amazing would it be to have a dude cut one every 15 minutes. “sorry.” “sorry.” “whoops, that’s me, sorry.” I could die happily after that.
- Wheelchair guy. Dude in a wheelchair comes rolling in, knocks over desks trying to parallel park in a row, and refuses help of any kind. We’d all have to sit there and pretend we’re not staring as he knocks over everyone’s coffee and extends our day by an 2 hours. Super-bonus if he and the fart guy are the same person.
- Woman who insists on bringing in sweets for everyone every day. “I baked some cupcakes last night…” whatever happened to these women?
A final note on these classes: Breaks. These are for the people that literally have no fucking life to go home to. The instructor will always say “Ahhhmm, do you wanna take a break, or should we go straight through?” meaning “we can be out by 2:00 if you stay put.” But no, the class ALWAYS chooses for fucking breaks (AND an hour lunch!!!!). So the guy will reluctantly say “…okay. Let’s be back in 10 minutes.” Me, I don’t leave, I sit in my chair and try esp to force my will on people “sit down!! Let’s finish!!” Plus, I’m always terrified that if I get up and leave, go get some water from the water fountain, when I come back I will be greeted by a locked door with my stuff thrown in the hallway outside “you’re late, fuckface – blackballed!!!!” and I’ll hafta spend the rest of my life cleaning up 3-grade puke on school buses. BUT, OF COURSE, every fucking break is extended cause people without fail stroooooolllllll back into class a few minutes late, knuckles deep in another bag of Doritos without a care in the world. These people complain about being there, but then use every opportunity at their disposal to drag it out. Unbelievable. It’s the same thing if you go Greyhound – whenever I ride from NYC to DC, as we get near the Baltimore Travel Plaza the driver will ask if we wanna push through, or take a break. You can guess what the vote is. So he’ll say “okay, be back on the bus in 30 minutes.” I’m fuming cause we’re only an hour away, but these jackasses wanna stop for half a fucking hour. And then you know me – I think I have to be an Olympic sprinter, or I’ll be watching the bus pulling away. But I’m maybe starving, so I get off the bus, and it goes like this: SPRINT to Sbarro oh god, 3 people in line will take forever no time SPRINT to KFC fucking hell no time no time SPRINT to the vending machine and in a total panic buy purchase some Combos, of which I’m better off chewing on the back of the bus seat in front of me, SPRINT back to the bus and quickly find my seat, throw myself down in drenched in sweat and check the time and we only have…28 minutes left. Jesus Christ. But of course 30 minutes isn’t enough for these people, and it’s apparently against the laws of mechanical engineering for this bus to start moving again unless we’ve spent an extra 15 minutes waiting for people to wander back onto the bus, in absolutely no hurry at all. I’m clutching my fucking bag of Combos, keeping them in my jacket pocket so it doesn’t take up any space on the bus, and these people come back on the bus with three course meals fucking spread out. Buckets of greasy chicken, baked ziti in tin pans, unbelievable. NO hurry to get where we’re going. Same thing with class, these people are in NO hurry to get the fuck home.
So that was my weekend, people. Be glad it wasn’t this coming weekend, where I’d miss the first round of the tournament. Then I might have gotten a little pissed.
Fashion Update
My latest diet post/fashion week wrapup is up over at the Fashion Herald here. And a lil birdy tells me another video will be up tomorrow! Tho I think that was it for that older Irish lady, the star. Kickin myself for not making her accompany me all day.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Whenever people are ambivalent re: my love of the cold/snow, I'm reminded that my parents got married 42 years ago today. They planned a Boston wedding and thought "you know what month seems right? February!" Their outside wedding pictures are hard to look at because what do you know, there was a blizzrd going on. And of course not yet satisfied, they went on their honeymoon to...say it with me...Canada. Sigh. In my blood. The shit is in my blood. Pumping, living on.
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