Sunday, August 31, 2008

Xmas' Picks

My favorite book of all time: The Little Follies: The Personal History, Adventure, Experiences and Observations of Peter Leroy (So Far). Do yourself a big favor and buy it here. Well, or anywhere; what do I give a fuck if Amazon gets more money.

Laugh-out-loud funny, heartbreakingly poignant, and Proustian in the way it opened the door for me to the idea that a story is as truthful as our memory allows. Whats more important is that it's a good story.

"I think the memory of most of us can go farther back into such times than many of us suppose; just as I believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its closeness and accuracy. Indeed, I think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect, may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty, than to have acquired it; the rather, as I generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness, and gentleness, and capacity of being pleased, which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood.

I might have a misgiving that I am ‘meandering’ in stopping to say this, but that it brings me to remark that I build these conclusions, in part upon my own experience of myself; and if it should appear from anything I may set down in this narrative that I was a child of close observation, or that as a man I have a strong memory of my childhood, I undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics." - Charles Dickens, "David Copperfield"

ZZZZZZZZZZZinger!!!!

From Andrew Sullivan's joint:
"Palin will also be assigned to pacify conservatives. On the evidence of the numerous emails reprinted here, that will be easily done. Reader after reader said that the base was now energized. You would have thought the base was energized by being in a war. If not, perhaps we need a new base," - Rick Brookhiser.

Ouch!

One Baaaaaaad Mother


Another thing to love about my future ex-wife GILF is that unlike the current vice president, she actually hunts animals bigger than housecats. Makes Darth Cheney having suicidal wheelchair-bound squirrels rolled in a phone booth to shoot at seem a bit pussyish, n'est pas?

Man Men Hips


On Christina Hendricks. They drive me crazy. Actually makes me smitten for a redhead. Not in love with the way her rack looks like it was put together by US Steel. But those hips...bout as wide as she is tall. Look like elephant ears sometimes. Love em.

Haunting Me

I haven't slept well lately. The other night I had a dream that a few of my friends and I attacked a guy I used to know. We beat the living shit out of him; when we were done I realized we had beaten him so bad that he had morphed back into a tiny infant. I picked him up and he was a delirious, spittling, drooling infant. Jesus. Can't stop thinking of it.

Guest Post: THEODORE!

So three years ago President Bush caught a lot of shit for responding so slowly to Hurricane Katrina. I guess nobody cares to remember that HELLO!!! He was ON VACATION!!!!!!

But this time he's doing the right thing, so can all you pussy crybaby liberals quit with your fucking crying already? Hey, so he fucked up last time. With this one he'll be 1 for 2 on devestating hurricane responses for his career...hey, guess what happens if you hit .500 in baseball? THEY PUT YOU IN THE HALL OF FAME!



In your FACE!!!!!


Rocking You Like a Hurricane,
THEODORE

Hopeful

Wouldn't it be great if they dig up an affair on Palin? Maybe she's been balling some Lou Ferrigno-esque snow machine racer for years behind the "First Dude"'s back. At least it'd be a refreshing change after years and years of old men getting caught playing footsie in bathrooms or coming on to their male interns, right? I mean, for fuck's sake.

My Girl

Already there are some whisperings of skeletons spilling out about Sarah Palin; I'm guessing by this time next week she'll have left the ticket "to meet the special needs of my infant son...you remember, the one with Down's." Hey, McCain vetted her for 30 seconds and once saw a picture of her, so he did all he could've done. Who knew?

But Sarah, no matter what happens in this race, there is one thing they can never take away from you.

I Love the Williamsburg, Vol I

Because of the ridiculous hipsters that took over Williamsburg about 4 seconds after I moved here, I always spew a negative sense of my neighborhood. There's a lot of great things about my neighborhood, but I can only focus on the eye-rolling absurdness of some of it. I don't wanna be that way - I've lived here over a quarter of my life now. I won't live here forever, after I'm gone I'd like to look back and remember how really unique and special these few blocks are. Not have my memories ruined by some douchebags.

So I will try to list one thing every day about Williamsburg I DO like a lot.

Day 1: I've always like the Giglio. Italian sausages everywhere, 300lb Italian dudes going batshit, hot girls everywhere, reminds me of the first time I ever visited NYC. And you can always win a 4-foot panda. Not bad.

Hail to the Queef

There's a lot of things to like about Sarah Palin. Nothing that has to do with being a credible VP pick, but whatevs.

And you Republican mouthpieces on tv and in print, I know that you're just doing your jobs, showing up with plastered-on joyful looks, "thrilled" with the pick, desperately using your best fencing to make it seem like of COURSE she'd be a great preznit if father time kicked while in the White House.

HOWEVER.

If I hear one more motherfucker try to impress me with her "executive experience" by saying that she was the Commander-in-Chief of the Alaskan National Guard, I swear to christ I'm gonna....well, I'm still gonna wanna bang her, but I'll be miffed.

BARTLET: I had a meeting this morning with the Joint Chiefs. [beat] I’m an accomplished man, Morris. I can sit comfortably with prime ministers and Presidents, even the pope. Why is it every time I sit with the Joint Chiefs, I feel like I’m back at my father’s dinner table.
MORRIS: I’m a naval officer, sir...
BARTLET: You’re a naval officer. You’re a doctor in a uniform. [beat] It’s not like I’m totally without experience, you know.
MORRIS: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: You’re talking to a former governor. I was commander-in-chief of the New Hampshire National Guard.
MORRIS: You guys got into a lot of tough scrapes, did you?
BARTLET: Didn’t have to. We’d just stand on the border and stare you down. Then we’d all go for pancakes. Like you had a lot of closed infantry combat training in premed, huh?

What's the Saddest Song There Is?

I was watching the video for “Sad Songs (Say So Much),” which I think of as Elton John’s In the Ghetto/Suspicious Minds/Kentucky Rain period, and I started thinking…what IS the saddest song there is? I got as far as Many Rivers to Cross. Gotdam. Anybody?

ps - name a sadder song than Little Drummer Boy. Can't do it.

Backwards to Me

I like when guys make a big production of washing their hands after pissing. Cause that's all it is, is a big show. Hey, my dick has been locked away underneath not one but TWO layers of clothing all day, completely impervious to the environment; meanwhile my hands have touched EVERY conceivable thing in the room...tables, people, anything on a grocery shelf. If there's germs in a room, your hands are gonna get 'em. Don't we have it backwards - after pissing, shouldn't we be washing our dicks, along with an apology every time? How many times do we give our buddies "five", and then go holding our dicks to piss? Every day? Ugh. We have it backwards, you fucking idiots.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Manny Tapes

Three things I love about Short Bus:

1) His favorite movie is Ratatouille, which he calls "Mouse," and he calls me "Rats." I like to think there's a connection.

2) From the side, he looks exactly like a Peanuts character. It's kind of eerie.

3) Every day he naps upsatirs, and I listen for him to wake up downstairs with the monitor, and every day when he wakes up it's the same thing: "Mama? (hopeful)...Daddy? (hopeful)...(looooooong pause)...RATS! (GIT your ass up here!!)"







"HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Hey, know what I like about you? I can actually put 'Didn't wipe my ass good enough' on your mid-year evaluations, you stupid fat fuck!!!!"

The Thing About the John Edwards Cheating Scandal I Don't Get Is...

...how did he not see this coming?

Gone for the Summer

One of my earliest memories of being knocked out by rock ‘n roll was “Surfin USA.” The thwoooooooop sound after "EEEEEEverybody's gone surfin," then sudden stop. Captivated me the first time I heard it, at Roma’s in town. Such a late 70’s scene too - Italian restaurant in the south, completely dark with black velvet paintings on the wall, neon blue light here and there. Me in my omnipresent Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

My Wheels

I'm starting to realize that unless I lose this weight, not only will I die early and alone, but also spend each day til then in pain. I won't even get the "he died young, but he lived every day to the fullest" routine; I'll get "he was in agony every day, couldn't do anything or go anywhere and was completely miserable. Probably better off."

:(

Chester

Some of you may remember Paddy Mac's Teddy Bear Chester, Founder of The Confederate Bears of America.


While visiting last week, Chester made sure to point out that even he has gotten laid more recently than me.


Dick.

Joe Strummer Week

Hey - In His Defense, He's Only a Man

The Hills

Is there more of a self-righteous, snotty shrew friend-shedding cunt than LC? Seriously, she is the Kelly Taylor or reality tv. Tho in Kelly's defense, at least she did stay friends with Donna the whole time.

I hope they drag this stupid show out as long as it takes for her to completely rid herself of any friends, or anybody that even remotely gives a shit about her. Just her, sitting on that stupid couch all alone, waiting for the door to open and someone to walk in, which never happens. Then when she realizes what she's done, the director pipes up "Okay, that's a wrap! See ya!" Lights out, no more tv, fuck yeeeeeeeeeeeew.

The Democratic Party

- has the most refreshing, inspirational national candidate since JFK
- 80% of country is dissatisfied with current situation, wants change
- running against candidate who promises more of the same, but even worse
- and is 72 years old
- running against a VP candidate who is basically a Cub Scout den mother (but hot)

The Dems overcame the odds in 2000 and blew it, then they really ratcheted up their game in 2004 and snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again, overcoming a retarded opponent who was sending trillions of dollars overseas to have our troops killed. Brilliant. With the odds stacked against them as listed above, the Democrats may be facing their toughest challenge yet. I don't know how they're gonna blow this election, but to say this will be their Magnum Opus is an understatement - I can almost FEEL the buzz of the slow-clap standing ovation when we wake up after Election Day and realzied that yes, they can!



Anagram Fun!


SARAH PALIN

(scrambling mind)

ANAL PARISH



ooooooohhhhh, YEAH!! Sign me up for THAT every Sunday morning!!!!! I'm on my knees, Lord!!!

This Morning's Beverly Hills 90210

So it looks like Colin is going to prison in 24 hours. Two years in the joint. And how does he spend his last day as a free man? Fucking Val over and over like a maniac. Cause yeah, that's what I'd want my last memory before showering with dudes for 2 years to be. That wouldn't make jail even more miserable, a memory like that fresh, would it? That doesn't remind you even more what you're missing, right?

If I was about to go into prison I'd spend the day in a room of rattlesnakes while being forced to watch reruns of "VH1: I Love the 80-'s/90's/00s/whichever Vol. 28" over and over. Would sprint to my cell. "Whew...now this ain't so bad..."

Miserable Part II

My knee is swollen and hurts like shit. But of course I can't even get shitfaced cause I still have this nagging fucking bit of a cold that I've had for a fucking week now. FUUUUUUUCK!!! :(

Friday, August 29, 2008

MIchael Jackson Turns 50 Today

Though I don't know if he want's to go on record saying he feels anything young.

Obama Backlash

One thing that drives me crazy about Barack Obama is his smile. It's so fucking smooth and easy; like the corners of his mouth are on ball bearings. My smile feels and looks like two midgets are pulling my mouth apart with ropes while being sandblasted. Ugh.

Joe Strummer Week

Miserable.

1) Gout in ankle.
2) Twisted knee.
3) Fever.
4) Zero write-ins for Mrs. Xmastime date.
5) No idea where cell fone is.

sigh.

Her "Here I Am!" Speech

1) Hot. Smoking hot.

2) When he introduced her husband, I stood up and turned my back to the television in silent protest.

3) She mentioned the anniversary of women suffrage and her own wedding anniversary. But I noticed she didn't mention that today is McCain's birthday. Savvy - guess they don't wanna remind anybody that Great Grandpa’s another year older.

4) A note to the GOP: you can rape me of my rights. You can kill thousands of us in fake wars, and you can steal billions from us for the oil companies. But to use part of the score from Hoosiers for your VP introduction? MY Hoosiers? OOooooh, HELL no!!!!










"She’s no Barbera Hershey, Coach!"

A Newspaper Headline That Could Actually Win This Thing for McCain

"McCain Taps Former Miss Alaska Runner-Up."

I gotta think of everything for these people?

Can See This One a Mile Away

On one hand, it'll be nauseating watching McCain wheel out the Palin kid with Down's Syndrome over and over to tug on our heartstrings. But then again what the hell, it's great to see the lil guy working again.

Mrs. Xmastime VP Edition


I don't know if I've ever had those "hot librarian" fantasies, but let's just say that right now I'm dusting off my NYPL card. And by "dusting of my NYPL card," I of course mean I am "making sure my library card works, since obviously there are scantily clad ridiculously hot nymphomaniac chicks in glasses at the library in the middle of the day, looking to wildly fuck any overweight, unemployed nutsack that strolls in."

BUT.

Once again, Xmastime is here to save the day for the Democrats. Biden, at the start of the debate, should simply look over at Palin, scan her slowly up and down, and say "runner-up, huh?"

BOOYAH!

FOUR MORE YEARS!!


Ooooooooooh, YEAH!!!! I am in; McCain just got my vote!! Gotdam. Tho in sad news, I guess this means there will be no sequel to "Varsity Blues." Mrs. Davis, we will miss you :(

More McCain Veep

I like that some people are surmising that McCain will choose as a woman, simply to get the Hillary women supporters. That's not mildly insulting to women, is it? Yes, I'm sure they'll just automatically, midlessly sprint to vote for whatever woman you put up there. Hell, why not go for the safest bet here?

I'll Tell You What...

...one candidate is the first black candidate, and the other is 72 years old. If you had to pick a time to be a vice president, this would be it, right?

McCain Veep

I see McCain has pushed his vp choice back ANOTHER hour to keep us waiting. And on tv everyone is MARVELING, amazed at how great the campaign has done in keeping this a secret. Which is awesome, cause if there's one thing we've learned over the last 8 years, it's that it's great to have an administration that knows how to keep things cloaked in secrecy. Awesome.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Democratic Convention Nomination Film

Another thing I've noticed during these little film clips before the big speakers is that none of them had any relatives that complained no matter how bad it got. Depression, WWII, 30 kids, working 9 jobs at a time, nobody's complaining. And if you did when you were a kid, you'd get your ears boxed. Oh yeah, and they always believed in you, no matter what. I'd like to change that; if in 2012 I'm the Democratic nominee, I'd like to fuck with people a bit; the clip might go like this.

"...my grandparents met and got married, then the war came...boy, did my Grandfather not wanna go to that. "It sounded really, really hard!!" he'd tell me, still angry. Fought and bitched to get outta going, but they finally came and got him I guess. Oh sure, the Depression, the War, they talked about those days a lot...how much they hated those days, having to work all the time and stuff..."why did all this happen to us? why not somebody else?" they'd ask me. "Why couldn't that have happened to your generation instead?" they'd say to me..."Always look for the shortcut"...so yeah, they were pretty miserable to be around...my parents, let's see, my Dad won $600 on a scratch ticket when I was 2 and he left, so I never even knew him...I'm like thousands and thousands of other kids out there, raised by a single mom...who worked 2 days a week, from 10am to 3pm at the local library...we'd say Mom, why not get another job so we can eat? and she'd always look us in the eye and say the same thing: "oh, HELL no." She talked a lot about what a rip-off it was that my Dad got to leave and left her with the kids...boy, did she cry and whine a lot, that's for sure...the only time she ever lightened up and stopped complaining was sometimes just to mess with her we'd tell her that Dad called and was coming back; boy, she'd light up, sprinting to the phone to call the library and tell them where they could shove that job of theirs...we'd let her know just in time that we were kidding...anyway yeah, she never came to any of my games throughout high school..."Tuesday night game? I hafta work on Thursday, so no."...there's a sacredness to being a single mother, as some of us know...I can still remember her late at night, coming into my room as I was trying to sleep, sitting on the side of my bed and patting my head lightly, running her fingers through my hair and softly telling me to not worry, everything would be alright...if I would just ask to borrow some money from my girlfriend, "that rich bitch ain't gonna miss it!! Just ask!!"...boy, did she whine about things a lot...anyway, it's a thrill to be here tonight accepting the nomination...oh, I have no idea if she's even here tonight, you can look I guess...hey, like she said just this morning on the phone, "you'll blow it anyways"...


Would make for great tv, no??

Weekend in Virginia

The Wilson Boys! Runnin’ hard, runnin’ long…staring at the ground. An inspiring crew.


Paddy Mac’s face: “Video games are stupid. These people are idiots.”
Paddy Mac’s shirt: “I’m crazy bout being white!”


Boat checklist:

Amazingly beautiful windswept hair? Check.
Letting the people know I’m #1? Check.
Sippy cup super-glued to Short Bus’ hand? Check.


Wow. This’ll be the picture they dig up if I ever run for President. Yeesh.


#1. It’s not complicated, people.


The Captain calmly staring you down till you give him a dollar to start the boat.

Little Brother

Check out illWill's Convention snaps here.

Joe Strummer Week

Where Does One Go To Become Such a Genius as This?

Bill O' Reilly just accused the Democratic Convention of being partisan.

Sheryl Crow Singing at the Convention Right Now...

...seriously, haven't black people already been through enough?

War Hero? No Thanks.

I was just looking at some random peeps on tv being interviewed about the race (duh), and every supporter of McCain keeps trumpeting his war experience, that he “knows and understands” the military, obviously was a war hero etc etc. And I guess in my mind if I don’t really think about it I’m like “well yeah, America likes to have the big-daddy tough war hero in charge, obviously.” Reptilian, I would think.

But after thinking about it, surprisingly the opposite has been true throughout recent history. First of all, look at McCain. Nobody disputes he’s a war hero. Comes from a long line of military men. His calling card is he's a tough guy military guy. And here he is, an underdog to someone who never spent a single minute in the military.

Dubya avoided the war by joining the Guard. Not only avoided the war, but apparently nobody has any idea where the hell he even was for a few months. And yet he beat TWO Vietnam war veterans – one a sitting vice president who had served on the Armed Services Committees, and the other a highly decorated war hero himself.

Clinton, same thing. Served ice cream sandwiches in the ROTC, yet beat out two different men who fought in WWII. One a sitting president whose fighter plane had been shot down, the other a vet who lost the use of his right hand in combat. Clinton took a lot of shit for avoiding Vietnam, but in the end nobody really cared.

Bush Sr, as I said was a heroic pilot…who would lose a second term to the draft-dodging Clinton. And to be honest, I don’t really remember his military service coming up a lot during his first race. Who’d he beat in 1988? A guy who to this day is still panned for trying to look tough in an Army tank.

Reagan, I have no idea if he even served. Don’t recall it coming up (just looked it up - turns out he was in "the 1st Motion Picture Unit" during WWII. I did not make that up, I swear.) Regardless, Reagan was a lot more famous for playing dress-up in the movies, and who’d he beat? Jimmy Carter, Navy Korean war vet.

You see my point…a surprising thing to realize, after I had given it ten seconds thought. Hell, the last real war hero we elected was John F. Kennedy, whom a lot of people prolly saw as much as a baby-faced elitist rich daddy's boy as a war hero...and he beat a guy who had fought in the South Pacific during WWII and then was Dwight Eisenhower's understudy for eight years. In 1960. Before Barack Obama was even born.

Ain't all this sumpin.

Anybody Else Find It Funny...

...that here we have the first ever black man nominated as a candidate for President of the United States, and the event itself takes place in, of all places, Colorado? Colorado? Really? Is this the single whitest place they could find whose name doesn't end with "Hunt Club"?

My Guy!


John Lewis speaking at the convention. Love him and his book "Walking with the Wind", as I mention here.

Making So Much Sense

Wow! Didn't take long for Lindsay to strike back against her pop did it?

Lindsay Lohan lashes out at father on blog

YES! You go girl! However...my enthusiasm runs out of steam quickly with her first sentence...
"If you have something to say to me, say it to my face — that's what I have believed my whole life — don't be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world"
Hmm. A coward, eh...like, oh I dunno...posting it on a Myspace page for every person in the world to see instead of calling the person? I feel like this would be like giving a workshop on sexual harassment with my dick hanging out of my pants. Interesting.

Which Story Today is the Most Batshit?

Sam Ronson may write tell-all book on Lohan relationship.
Batshit Score: 8 out of 10. A book on their relationship? Who gives a shit? "Hi! I am one of a million shitty DJs that have descended upon America like locusts. You know that I exist because I am Lohan's girlfriend. We walk around holding hands, we kiss, our pictures get taken, we eat each other out. Ummmm...well I guess that's it THE END." The fact that someone's even considering putting this thing out is pretty fucking batshit.

Major Duff Family Drama
Batshit Score: Incomplete. I have no idea what this article was about, I just saw the headline. Maybe they're fighting over a boy, maybe they're fighting over world peace, I don't give a fuck - I just wonder if I'm the only dude in the world who has realized that Hayley Duff is about 1000 times hotter than her more well known, yet uglier sister Hillary. I don't have a foot fetish, but I would shave the lyrics to "Am I Blue?" into my nutsack if I could have ten minutes to play in Hayley's sock drawer. Mmmmm.

L.A. man busted for posting nine tracks from "Chinese Democracy."
Batshit Score: 0 out of 10. There's nothing batshit about this. Some fuckwad wants to unleash a steaming pile of Axl's cuts onto the rest of the world, I say find him and string him the fuck up. No mercy. Crush him. Ironically, like they would in China of all places. Hmm. Who says life doesn't imitate horrendously shitty art?

My Dream Come True

Getting to read my own obituary.

Doesn't even compete with my four-day, Japanese anime seizure-inducing catered by Cheez Wiz and Hormel funeral service, but will do for now.

Tough Year


Good lord. First Michael Vick. Then the Russians. Then the #1 ranked football team slipping due to injuries et al. And now this. What the fuck...if I'm Jeff Foxwrothy, I have a food taster on staff.

Lemons into Lemonade (You're Welcome)

The GOP was already wary of wheeling out the most unpopular preznit ever for their convention, hoping to slide him in the 5am slot between Heidi from The Hills and the hopefully-distracting all-you-can-eat caribou pepperoni breakfast. Now they’re worried about having him speak at the exact moment Hurricane Gustav is slamming into the Gulf Coast. What’re they so worried about – don’t you know Xmastime is looking out for you, guys? I’ve figured it out, and know EXACTLY what Bush should be doing when the hurricane hits to make everybody forgive him for his dreadful Katrina performance. You want a brave, crowning moment for your legacy? Here it is!

McVeep


Personally, I hope it's Rudy - there's no better comedy theater than Count Crapula. Though it won't happen; god forbid his 9/11 Facebook gets more hits than McCain's Hanoi Hilton one. Huckabee would be amusing in that harmless, Christ-y, we can dig up pics of when he was 400lbs kinda way. Maybe he'll qualify for next year's hot dog eating contest. I have no idea what they're thinking re: the Dark Horse - even if he did agree with McCain's politics, which I highly doubt - he's been dead for almost 7 years now. Same as McCain's "maverick" status, actually. A baffling choice, at best.

One More Excuse to Picture Me Naked

Sometimes I wonder if my luck on any given day is governed by whether I exit the shower in the front or back. Interesting thesis.

Where's Riki Tiki Tavi When You Need Him

Good lord. and I thought my room was dangerous to humans. Cap doffed.

My #1 Capital Girl

First, Second and Third Ladies

Are Michelle Obama and Jill Biden the first First Lady/Second Lady team in my lifetime I wouldn't mind having a threesome with? Hmm. Something to think about.



Nancy Pelosi, wailing on my ass with a toaster oven while filming. Mmmmmmmm.

Alltime? Riding Marilyn Quayle bareback while Jackie O mutters disapprovingly from a nearby piano bench.



Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Bill Clinton Speech

9:14pm PREDICTION: post-speech people will cry/whine re: "he spoke more glowingly of Biden than Obama; said he LOVED Biden!!" etc etc. Therein getting more chances to whine that Clinton wants it all to be about himself/wants to undermine Obama/wants to switch to metric system/burned 6 million jews yada yada yada.

Joe Strummer Week

Dying

A Modest Proposal

Last week I was talking to Brothatime! about the airlines – he was marveling that the airlines are a huge industry that has been around forever yet has never made any money, and I was marveling that while we’re all supposed to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and tuff shit if we don’t, the government sure doesn’t seem to mind bailing out the airlines over and over. In short, we were doing a lot of marveling I guess.

The government refuses to even dream of paying our health insurance. But it loves to bail out the airlines. Why not combine the two? Why not have flying insurance – say you pay $50/month or whatever, and you can fly all you want. Within the US, of course. That way the government can keep the big corporate airlines afloat, which it loves to do, and we can fly around all we want without having to worry about paying $7 for a pillow the size of my liver. Hey, it's either that or pay all the money to New Orleans like we promised, it's up to you. If I hadn't already blocked out the next 15 minutes for trying to figure out which Kardashian sister I'd rather bang out (not including Khlozilla of course), I'd figure out how this would actually work in such a way as to keep jobs inside the country instead of exporting them all. But like I said, I'm busy.

Wow.

I just re-watched the Styx video from below. Seriously, if I wanted to list all the things that are beyond fucking stupid in that video, they'd hafta invent another internet, cause there's not enough room on this one. Wow, guys.

Fucking Awesome

Things That Make Me Go "Hmm....Gimme Some Titties"


Mikey's Hookup here on North 6th Street has always represented the stereotypical worst of Williamsburg - the whole "why are you here taking up my time when I could be pretending to listen to Yo La Tango rehearsal tapes?"snobbish style of customer service. Ugh. But, I must say, some radical shift in the Earth must've happened cause I was there the last two days and, shockingly, the workers there were extremely nice/helpful. I don't know if they collectively lost a bet, but I was very pleased (for once.)

HOWEVER.

Both days I was there for about 30 minutes, and not once did another customer come in the store. And yet there were AT LEAST 9 employees milling about the whole time (and I have no idea who was in the back.) This was the highest worker-to-customer ratio since my days as a gigilo (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.) I was baffled at the number of people working there (and doing nothing), but hey, what the hell do I care. Then as I was leaving, I noticed a sign on the door:

HELP WANTED

What the fuck????!! MORE? Is Mikey's trying to take over the fucking planet? Which population is growing at a faster rate: people that wonder how Rumor Willis is so ugly, or Mikey's? Jesus christ.

TOMORROW'S NORTH 6TH JAUNT: I try to buy a flying squirrel.

Let the Clintons Go, For Fuck's Sake

Hillary did her job last night. Period. You can cry and whine and sniff while you parse the speech, saying she didn't do enough in your own mind; fine, whatever. Who gives a shit - her job is done. I don't wanna hear anymore about her needing to unify the party, she and Bill are being selfish blah blah blabbity blah. All this is mindless recitation by people who cannot think of anything relevant to say.

I understand the hardcore Hillary supporters are upset. Hey, maybe I would be if Edwards had gotten that close (insert "yes, but he was too busy getting head from his girlfriend while getting a $9000 haircut in his 45-mile home" joke here.) Take some time to get over it, that's fine. But come November it's YOUR turn to do your job. Pout about your loss and don't vote for Obama, well then be prepared to pay the price. Andrew Sullivan said it best:
John McCain is making it quite clear what his foreign policy will be like: tilting sharply away from the greater realism of Bush's second term toward the abstract moralism, fear-mongering and aggression of the first. Not just four more years - but four more years like Bush's first term....If Americans decide they want a president who will be more aggressive and less diplomatic than the current one, then they should at least brace for the consequences - for their economy and their security.

Quit falling for this trap of spending time crying and whining about the Clintons like little babies, get your heads outta your asses and focus on what McCain doesn't want you to focus on: McCain.

Contest: Which Band is More Embarrassing to Watch?

Too close to call. Jesus fucking christ.



Hold Steady: we get it, you're hyper-earnest. Congratulations.
Styx: we get it, you own stock in gay. Congratulations.

Mrs. Xmastime

I have decided that it's time for me to get a girlfriend. And I've decided that the only way to do that is date as many women as humanly possible. Usually I lie in waiting, and once every 9 or so years I desperately fall in love and dedicate every fiber of being to dreaming about being in love with some girl; obviously we see how this has worked out (flicking Cheetos dust from...well, every part of my body.)

Mamalizza and I cooked up an idea yesterday to use my celebrity, and so I'm kicking off the XMASTIME DATING TOUR!!!! That's right - every Friday, starting next week, I will go out on a date with a girl who has written to me and convinced me that she may be the one for me. Maybe it'll take 52 dates, maybe it'll take 2, who knows. I will choose one girl from the emails I receive each week and meet her for a date. These will be casual-ly dates; ie we're not freaking going to Nobu. Whatever that is. We will have a great, relaxed time getting to know each other. For instance, Date #1:

- Transit Museum
- Pizza shop nearby
- Whatever romance ensues.

You girls know me - don't act like you don't think you'll have a great time. So put together a brief email and send it to me with a picture attached, and by next Monday I will notify Friday's date.

NOTE: I will blog about each and every date!!!! Know this!! However, I will not use your real name. And, short of a complete disaster, I have no intention of being rude/hurting anybody's feelings etc. Hey - I'm out here to find Mrs. Xmastime, for chrissake!

So get those emails in to xmastimer@gmail.com

Credit Cards

Have you ever seen anybody in real life have their credit card cut in half upon rejection like they do on tv? What the fuck is this for? Does the cutter feel like they're doing their part to save the world - is there a corresponding superhero?

And what if it turns out their card is fine, but your machine is the thing that's fucked up? Wouldn't you feel like an ass? Oh, no, your machine HAS to be 10000% accurate, there's NO WAY there could be a mistake on your end - seems like a good time to embarrass the dude in front of everybody and cut his card in half!! Congratulations, total fuckwad!!

And what does this even solve - if the card is rejected by your machine, do you really think he's gonna get one over next door at the Bed, Bath and Beyonce store? What the fuck do you even care?

Grrr. Has anyone actually seen this happen?

I'm Loving It

The experts on tv have now moved on to wondering how much of a disaster Obama giving a speech amongst Roman columns will be. "America will be turned off by his hubris!!!" they're panting.

Really? America? These are the same people that voted TWICE for George Bush. These are the people that are still losing sleep over whether LC and Heidi are gonna finally make up. Do we really think that during the speech they're gonna cock their heads while looking at the tv "heeeeey, wait a second...if these columns are in Doric order, shouldn't the triglyphs be more decoratively grooved than the metopes? Are you kidding me - who the FUCK does this guy think he is??!?!?!?"

Hillary Pt. 3

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.


A dangerous reflex. Remember, the crux of your party used to be Archie Bunker. Today? The "middle class" desperately wants to have their houses taken from them. They're idiots.

If I was running, I would make the middle class chase after me. I would start with rejuvenating the 37 million people below the poverty line that haven't voted in decades cause they haven't mattered. Why would they? I might fail wildly, but I would build a base that would be unmovable.

A funny thing: poor people have been smart enough to quit voting. The middle class has continued to embarrass itself.

XMASTIME/WILBON '12!! :)

Hillary Pt. 2

I thought Hillary hit a grand slam tonite - as I said earlier, she saved the entire convention with her speech. But, watching it a second time, I can't help but note this selection:
I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn’t have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

Umm....really? I don't have health insruance; I can't get a band-aid from this government. Yet...some woman without health insurance can spring PAST a band-aid and, if I have this straight, ADOPT 2 kids with autism...even though she has cancer? Really?

If I wanna go see the fucking Jonas Brothers, I gotta show two forms of id, donate blood and prove my NYC residence; meanwhile, I guess if I wanna adopt a coupla autistic kids I only have to show that I have been born on Planet Earth? Really?

Hillary

I can't remember the book or story it came from as I ain't read it in over 15 years, and I'll probably get the line wrong, but somehow, someway, something about the rhythm of Hillary's "I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me?" reminds me of Flannery O'Conner asking "And what kind of preacher are you, not to see if you can save my soul?"

Line forms at the left. Let's get the fuck outta here - this'll be the last Christmas where there ain't no snow.

Danny Says - The Ramones

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Brian Schweitzer, Montana Governor

A welcome (if silly) breath of fresh air to tonight's proceedings. I wrote about him back in March of 2007. Though lets be real; the only reason I'm re-posting this is cause I got a laugh from the last line :)
Saw this guy on "60 Minutes" a while back and then again on Charlie Rose last night, and I like him. Has a creepy thing going on, but he seems to be the only guy with a viable idea to nip our dependance on oil in the bud instead of just shrugging his shoulders and shoving billion dollar bills in Exxon's pockets. Tho I guess that would mean Bush and Saudi Arabia would have to break up, c'est la vie. Also is a self-described populist, fierceful in his demands to help "the little guy." And as a hunter knows how to handle a rifle without looking like an idiot, which of course is so important int his country. Why I don't know; can you ever imagine the sentence "okay okay, everybody calm down...the President is on the way, he's gonna shoot the damn thing."

Hillary's Speech

The orange outfit...tribute to Illinois? Just wondrin.







UPDATE, 11:07pm: Say what you will about Hillary, but that was the best speech I've seen yet. Whoever wrote the fucker...the Twin Cities line? For the books. All-time. Has single-handedly saved this convention.

Mark Warner, My Home State Gov Speaking at Convention

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhey, is that Lurch on the tv?zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



POST-SPEECH UPDATE: feel bad for dude. His actual speech was good. His fire/energy was great. But it seemed like the audience was on one long piss break, no? I'm calling a do-over, tomorrow night. Give the crowd some gin & tonics, have him introduced by Michael Phelps and the drunk Kardashian chick, same speech, house comes down. Guaranteed! Why am I not running this shit??!?!?

Dammit!

I don't have a lot of regrets in this lifetime; my dash to failure usually unburdens me of any hopes and real dreams. But I do fucking hate the fact that I didn't come up with the phrase "Bark Mitzvah", like this guy did. Geez. Cap doffed. My biggest regret right now.

Second place? Not investing in fire, cause the fucking Yankees are going down in flames* :(





* I just made that up!!!! See - I turn regrets into lemonade!

Fashion Herald Video, Xmas Dies at Gym

I linked it a while ago, but if you haven't already checked it out at the Fashion Herald, dig our latest video. Seriously, I might have to lose some weight.
Here's video #2, our foray into the world of New York Sports Club on 34th Street. To light a fire under Xmastime's non-dieting ass, we visited 34th Street's Foot Locker for some clothes and then hit the gym. Because rumor has it (and I think you can find photographic evidence on this blog) that Xmastime has gained weight since we started blogging about his New Year's resolution to trim some poundage. Observe:


Olbermann

Keith Olbermann is like criticism - even if you agree with him, he's hard to take. Ugh.

Am I a Bad Person...

...for caring less about what Hillary has to say tonite, and more about whether or not upon seeing her on-screen I'm gonna wanna get up in Chelsea's tongety-tong-tong? Out of bounds there? Bad American?









Toothy. Bout one click away from equine (splashing on some Canoe.)






UPDATE, 10:42: Yes. With alacrity.

Digging Up My Letter Jacket

Flattering bit on my home state's gridiron prowess here. Of course, UVa will still go 6-6 like always. Curiously, nothing about my blocked kick against Lancaster. Hmm. I'm calling out the race card. Will be interested to see the comments posted by my former fans under the article (rabid indignation.)

Is There Anything About Williamsburg That Isn't Beyond Gay?

Walking down North 6th earlier I decided to make my once-a-decade stop into a record store. Do my part for the local Mom & Pop store (or, from the looks of the guys working there, Pop & Pop.) Of course, I have no idea how many units of used vinyl a place has to sell to make their $9500/mo. rent, but hey, what do I know.

So I get to the door and I see this sign:

PLEASE DO NOT LET THE CAT OUT

What? My life doesn't suck enough; now I gotta risk getting bitched at by 90-lb dudes with handbags on skateboards if I'm the one with my hand on the door when your stupid cat (ironically named "Stevens", of course) makes a final break for it? Wtf?

I don't need that pressure. Fuck that, I kept walking.

What's Driving Me Bananas Right Now

People who answer a yes or no question while texting with "Y." I've come to learn it means "Yes"; but for a while I thought it was "Why?" And before you jump on me "Xmas you old fuck, you're a handsome idiot!", I don't think that would be the only single-letter-shortcut in the texting etiquette world, no? I know r = "are" u = "you" n = "niggah, please!" and of course w = "who queefed?" so get off my ass; I'm old but I know this language exists.

Why Do People Still Talk to Me?

Just to make sure the woman I met and was smitten with the other night realizes that she is dealing with a complete pussy who has no intention of ever actually speaking to a woman again and will spend the rest of his days getting pushed around by squirrels, I followed up my brilliant texting campaign with the modern day version of "DO YOU LIKE ME YES OR NO CIRCLE ONE" - but without the guts - by tracking her down on Facebook and asking her to be "my friend." Jesus christ. I'd say I'm hopeless, but that's an insult to terminally ill paraplegics whose genitals have been removed due to cancer. Grrr.

Convention Note

One thing I've noticed about these political conventions is that no matter what, there's gonna be about a billion balloons released at some point. What the fuck - aren't we adults? When was the last time something great happened to you and you thought "gee, this would be so much better if I was swamped by 1000 balloons..." Once every four years on tv we hafta watch grown men and women bat around balloons like they're at a fucking kiddy party. I'm 36 years old; when I hear the word "Balloons" I only get excited about one thing. And it ain't dudes running for president.

Williams/Kristol: "Buddies"

Andrew Sullivan reminded me of one of my favorite moments of last night, Brit Hume's FOX suck-up buddy Juan Williams' reaction to Michelle Obama's speech. He seems genuinely shocked that such a time that a black woman can make a speech has finally arrived; I thought his thoughts were as great and touching as the speech itself.

But as I remember last night, the video cuts off before Bill Kristol, sitting next to him, spoke up. I can't remember exactly what he said, but here he is sitting next to his colleague (friend?) having such a beautiful, visceral reaction to such a historic moment, and what does Kristol say? "Yeah. I dunno. (Shrug.) Didn't do anything for me. There wasn't much there. No substance."

What a jackass. Is there NOTHING anyone close to you can do or say that will move you to spew ANYthing other than predicatble hack party bullshit?

SIDE NOTE: Did I catch Obama saying he was in St. Louis, when he was actually in Kansas City? That just shot through my ehad from last night...anyone else catch that, or am I imagining shit?

"Too Good"

Here's something interesting. In our American sprint to give every child a gold star simply for existing and desperately trying to mash everybody's abilities into one big mush of "suck," here's a kid that's too GOOD for his sport, and is being penalized for it. Incredible.

Hey, is this why I haven't dated a girl in years???!??!!?!

Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah

Joe Strummer's birthday was a few days ago; due to traveling/computer foulups I haven't been able to acknowledge my #1 guy of all time. So I am now kicking off JOE STRUMMER WEEK with this clip from Rude Boy. Always been my favorite scene. Stay tuned here for more Joe.

Out in the Street

What I heard on the sidewalk earlier this morning:

Dude: Yo, what time is it?
Other Dude: Five til.
Dude: Til what?

Really? You're walking around, and you have no idea what time it is within an hour? Is there a number the guy could've told you that you wouldn't have believed? Awesome.

The Convention

Was pretty good. Great at times; obviously Michelle Obama and Teddy Kennedy were the highlights. I wasn't jumping up and screaming with joy or crying, but it was okay. I think they should've Willis Reed-ed Teddy's big moment more, but whatevs. Basically when it's the convention of the party you're for, you just hope nobody screws up. Now the GOP Convention, that I will be glued to, waiting for Guiliani to show up with his vampire fangs shaved to look like the Twin Towers. Otherwise, I'll prolly tune into Billy C. and Obama, and that's it. Unless, of course, Bruce plays, as the gossip is suggesting.

SIDE NOTE: I know we all need something to hyper-ventilate to during these things and the media needs to bloviate that the world will explode if we don't hear their screaming every second, but I refuse to believe that there are gonna be any Hillary dramatics. Yes, some of her supporters might get vocal. But the idea that she is somehow gonna try to steal the nomination, or take her 18 million votes over to McCain if she doesn't get a handshake deal to be the next Bond girl, camon. Enough. There will be none of that bullshit. She is a Senator of the United States and a woman who came an inch away from winning the Democratic nomination for President; she's not Andy Dick at a Cub Scout Pancake Supper. Relax. And if these people DO "show us!" by taking their votes from her side to McCain then, well, as usual we get the President we deserve.

I Give Up


I sat through every piece of shit, godawful moment of this stupid series, and nothing happened. Ooooooh, Ramona left a dinner party early!! Meeeeeow!! Then something like this happens, and guess what? No cameras. Thanks Bravo. I had better timing when I dumped my girlfriend on Valentine's Day, for fuck's sake.

Undecide THIS, Jackoffs

From moi a few months ago:
And now we'll be hearing more and more about having to win over the "undecideds." These people really drive me fucking crazy. How does one even register or list himself as an "undecided"? Doesn't opening your mouth to declare yourself as such imply that you've spent at least 3 seconds thinking about the candidates and issues? enuff to somehow decide you're undecided? And yet you have no opinion, you're a vaccuous canvas? Shouldn't "undecided" really mean "I can't read"? But no, these people sit back in their lazy-boys and say "sell me." Fuck you. If you can't take a few minutes to turn your brain on to try to make an informed decision about who you want running your own country, you don't deserve anyone coming around trying to think for you. If you need someone baking red velvet cake for your vote, maybe you shouldn't be voting at all.

This article from Joe Klein has been making the rounds. What do you know, these "undecided" chutterfucks are at it again, sitting back in their Lay-z-boys taking liquid eclair shots whining "ooooh, sell me!" Christ. And then this "I need some details" shit. Hey, I was hard on Obama in the beginning re: his vagueness. But over the last year or so his details have been folded out. No, he has not come over to my house, sat me down and slowly explained everything with charts and graphs while jerking me off and checking my prostate. I have, you know, paid attention. For fuck's sake, we're living in the age of the Internet...take about 4 seconds, go to the candidate's websites and read EXACTLY what they stand for on EVERYTHING! Christ, Obama sent out a fucking text message to everyone who wanted it when he announced his VP! But no, not enough, gee, "I need the details." No, you "need" to get your man-tits out of your ears and eyes and quit acting like the spoiled brat who has divorced parents fighting over his/her affection with toys. Fuck you! Don't act like you give a shit when you say, after this campaign that has been going on for seemingly 600 years now, that you cannot tell the difference between Obama and McCain because of the lack of "details." Yeah, I'm sure you're stumped because you've done your homework and know that both candidates cosponsored a bill to prohibit health insurance companies from dropping dependent children from health plans if the children take a medically-necessary leave of absence from school. Yeaaaaaaaaahhh, right.

Quit saying that you're an undecided cause you love the attention and take in a sliver of the ridiculous amount of information that is hurled at you all day, every day about these candidates. Otherwise, you're gonna end up getting played like the middle class idiots we all do jug-dances to every four years before fucking them over. Christ. (head exploding)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Suicide Should Be My Gig!

Watching this stupid episode of Beverly Hills, I realized what a great suicide line worker I’d be. I mean, who the hell else would you rather talk to when you wanna feel good about yourself?

XMASTIME: Hotline, what’s your name?
CALLER: Hi, I'm…Brian.
XMASTIME: Hi Brian. How we doing?
CALLER: Not so good…not good at all…everything’s bad…
XMASTIME:Talk to me.
CALLER: Well. I haven’t hooked up with a girl in like 2 months.
XMASTIME:Really.
CALLER: Yeah…hey, this is anonymous, right? You know my name’s not really Brian, right? Cause I’m embarrassed.
XMASTIME:Brian, I haven’t gotten laid in three years.
CALLER: What the…what?
XMASTIME:That’s right. And she was a drunk Chinese slut, so lord knows what’ll happen to me.
CALLER: Oh my god. Three years?
XMASTIME: I lied, Brian. Five years.
CALLER: Jesus Christ. I’d freakin die.
XMASTIME:Well, not on the phone I hope.
CALLER: And it’s just that…my girlfriend, I dunno, Sometimes she bugs me. Wants to be with me all the time.
XMASTIME:Really. Hmm. Sounds tough.
CALLER: Right? Sometimes I just wanna hang out with the guys!
XMASTIME:How old are you Brian?
CALLER: 23.
XMASTIME:Okay. The last time I had a girlfriend, you were 10.
CALLER: What the…really?
XMASTIME:That’s right. Know what I’ve done every day and night since?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME:“Hung out with the guys.” Know what I’d like?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME: Some chick who wants me to be with her all the time.
CALLER: Jesus. That’s right. You’re so right.
XMASTIME:How’s the job front going Bri?
CALLER: Oh, it’s okay. Boring; I’m in line for a promotion and raise, but sometimes I wonder if selling out for some big corporation is what I really wanna be doing.
XMASTIME:Hmm. Sounds rough.
CALLER: Dude. You don’t wanna know.
XMASTIME:Actually I would Bri. I don’t have a job. Matter of fact, as I’m on the phone with you I’m trying to see if I can string this suicide line job out to 8 lines on my resume.
CALLER: Really? Jesus.
XMASTIME:That’s right. What’s this, Wednesday?
CALLER: Uh huh.
XMASTIME:Cool. Wednesdays are the nights I extend my Prell shampoo with water.
CALLER: Oh my god.
XMASTIME:If I’m feeling randy enough, knock out broken glass/urine cleanup in my room.
CALLER: I…uh…
XMASTIME:That way I can spend tomorrow night wondering if I’m gonna drop dead from a heart attack.
CALLER: Ummm….
XMASTIME:Anyways, you were saying something about being despressed?
CALLER: Well, yeah, but…
XMASTIME:I’m listening.
CALLER: Hey, look…I gotta go, I’m gonna pop in and surprise my girl
XMASTIME:You sure? I got time to talk, Brian. Murder She Wrote isn’t on for another hour.
CALLER: oh, jesus. I’m…I’m gonna go. Thanks for your help…
XMASTIME:You got it Bri!
CALLER: Actually…thanks a LOT…
XMASTIME:Good luck, Brian.
CALLER: Thanks man,
XMASTIME:Keep me in mind if anything opens up at your office!

Beverly Hills Suicide Update

Andrea just chastised a caller for calling at 10pm. Hey, that's nice. I'm calling a suicide hotline, I don't feel bad enough; now I got one more thing to feel like shit about. One more kick in the groin from life. Thanks, hotline! Sorry to bother you! BLAM!!!

Can Aaron Spelling Do Wrong?

The reason I love Beverly Hills 90210 so much is that it's SOOOOOO like real life. Take the episode I'm watching right now - Brenda has decided that instead of cruising through BH in cool convertibles flirting with dudes and spending thousands of Daddy's dollars on handbags and shoes, she'd rather start working answering phones at the high school teen suicide line. Hmm. Okay. But first of all, she has to convince Andrea she's really ready to commit herself to the job - Andrea barks at her that she'll hafta give up her social life and take the suicide line uber-seriously etc etc. You'd think they'd let a loaf of bread pick up a phone if it was willing; apparently to be on Andrea's crew you hafta donate blood, get a letter of recommendation from God and run a 3-minute mile. Wtf. So Brenda FINALLY convinces her that she's will chop her body in half and sew the chair onto her torso in place of her legs so she never leaves her phone, and she walks into the hotline room and what do you know...there's over a dozen people in there answering phones that are ringing nonstop like London in 1940. Jesus christ. I'm waiting for Jerry Lewis to pop out in a tux with a money figure to announce. How many kids in Beverly Hills can fucking be considering suicide? (correct answer: not enough.)

Of course Brenda ends up saving the day, talking some girl down from the edge who goes on to cure cancer after giving birth to Jesus Christ and inventing the reach-around. Shocker.

Side note: I notice they make it clear that the suicide line shuts down at 10pm. Really? I guess nobody thinks about suicide after ten. Oh sure, during school and after-school activities and socializing and dates and dinner etc etc, every teen in BH is frantically dialing up the suicide line. But once it's late night and they're all alone in bed in total darkness with nothing but their own thoughts, oh, they're just fine then. Hmm.

10:01! Sorry, fuck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

Xmas Thoughts

Sometimes I think I'm only doing this shit so that one of you motherscratchers will make a Wikipedia entry about me.

I Found Her: Mrs. Xmastime!

I don't hafta remember what color her eyes are. Nobody else can tell how ugly she is. I don't hafta sit around and wait for her to get ready to go out...she's already dressed. I can always control the remote. If she asks "Does this make me look fat?" I can get away with "I have no idea." And, even more amazing, I don't even hafta remember her name, since apparently it's "Umm." Perfect!

Good for Donny

Matthew Yglesias posted about this letter from the Vets for Victory, a group whose reason for existence seems to be reminding us that Barack Hussein Kenny Loggins Bin Laden Obama desperately wants all God-loving Christians to die engulfed in flames, so you better not vote for him. Oh, and send money.




But besides how absurd this whole thing is, I couldn't help but notice that the guy made sure to put the TIME up by the date. What's this for? He's worried people don't think he's working hard? "That fucking Lester, what the hell's be even been doing, he's - oh wait, here's a letter...heeeeeey, lookit that! 8:23am, Lester's already up and on it! Attaboy Lester!!!" Or it backfires, and it reads like most of my text messages: "Tuuudaaty monnin, ilove yo sooo muc, 4:21am"

People. They're whack, right?

What a Total Fuckwad

JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...