Saturday, January 31, 2009
Ah Yes.
2007 Super Bowl Memories.
_________________________________________________________
I'll tell you what. You people dodged a fucking bullet - if the Colts had kicked a field goal at the end of the game, the score woulda been 32-17, JUST off my prediction of 31-16 and you woulda never heard the end of it. Woulda been MUCHO BACK-PATTING for yours truly, re: my football genius and dammit, I played the game!
Anyways. The commercials were extremely disappointing. Though it's nice to know Coca-Cola is at the forefront of Black History month. "Oh look...Coke loves blacks!" Is anybody remotely moved by this gesture? Plus, black people don't drink Coke, they drink orange soda. Fucking christ. And the Doritos "cleanup at register 3" was bit much, no? You're trying to sell me potato chips, maybe I don't need to picture oooh, JUST off camera, the fat checkout girl covered in jizz from the dude she was mooing over. Thanks, Doritos. Or should fat girls be the ones offended; are we all supposed to assume lardass couldn't control herself and is now rolling around the floor under the register covered in Dorito cheese dust? Maybe she couldn't even get the guy, who has already left while she rubs Doritos all over herself, shoving a bag in her mouth? Interesting. We have to choose between imagining this chick covered in jizz or cheese dust. Jizz and cheese dust. "Alec, what are 'two things that have been on my dick'?"
And those Chevy commercials. "Join the revolution." really? what revolution is this? Have people never driven trucks before? OOOoooohhh, we're gonna drive $50,000 trucks!!! That'll show The Man! This is crazy!!!!!!! The founding fathers would be proud, I'm sure. "Well, they don't have health insurance and elections are rigged, but at least they're in huge trucks that get 2 miles a gallon at $2.50 per and are too big to hit the Taco Bell drive-thru. We did good. Pass me the Doritos, jizz-wig."
As for the game itself, two things. Number one, how terrible can Devon Hester's hands be? Every time you turn around, this dude is running a kick back for a td. When he's not doing that, he affects the game so much that teams squib-kick it away from him, giving the Bears great field position every time. YET. He's not used on offense. So he either has terrible hands or is completely retarded and can't learn plays. Makes me think of the Redskins AC Connell from a few years ago - a wide receiver who oddly enough wasn't on the "hands team" for onside kicks. Strange. Though people wonder why J-Lo has never been on my "Ass Team." Or Corky from "Life Goes On" not being on my "Goofs I Drug and Then Jerk Off Onto in a Closet" Team. So you never know I guess.
The other player I kept thinking of was Brian Griese, Grossman's backup. Grossman's throwing the ball around to Colts players, fumbling snaps etc you KNOW Griese is sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on thinking jesus christ...how much must I suck?!!?!?!!? Would be like being William Hung's backup in the choir. Good lord. What does it take to get him in? "Brian, Grossman just hung himself in the shower, so...wait, never mind...we'll just lay his body on the field and tape the ball to his hand. As you were."
My favorite moment of the pregame though was the Tony Dungy interview when JB asked him "Will your son be with you during the game?" Of course he answered with the cliched "oh, he'll be there with me, looking over me" stuff, which is sweet and nice to hear, but wouldn't it have been great if he had answered another way?
"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Not at all JB, he's dead."
"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Oh, do you have a shovel?"
Or maybe a hysterical, over-the-top "oh my god, he's alive?!?!? it's a miracle!!" performance. Well, I would've enjoyed it. Just like it occurred to me last night, wouldn't it be great if a ref decided fuck it, I'm gonna go down in the books as a legend and, while announcing a penalty to, you know, a BILLION people, all of a sudden turn into a standup comedian? "Holding, number 74...hey, how bout that Prince, riiiight? Say, what's big and grey and comes in quarts? An elephant! Hiyoooooooooooooooo!!!....anyways, first down." Wouldn't that be great? "Number 66, you smell like LANDfill!!....timeout, Colts." He'd be set for life on the talk circuit. Hell, it's only a matter of time before they make them do commercials on the field, isn't it? "Clipping, number 33...Chevy Silverado, America's car...(sings) this is our country...first down."
Speaking of the pre-game, those tiny metal flag pins they make all the announcers of the American flag are amazing, aren't they? I spent the whole show going "Wow, Dan Marino loves freedom! and look, Shannon Sharpe too! wait- BOOMER loves freedom!! wow!!! It's a Super Bowl MIRACLE!!!" Fucking christ. I tried to salute but got Dorito-jizz in my eye. Pickup on aisle me.
And if the 400 commercials about it are not lying to me, apparently the Police are getting back together. Which means that there's an opening now for "solo Brit lute-playing cake-boy looking to bore human race to death." Great. Was there finally an intervention? "Sting, please...no more solo albums. You're fucking killing us. They found a tape of 'The Dream of the Blue Turtles' in Princess Di's car; that was no accident. Please stop." If you love someone, set them free. Indeed.
_________________________________________________________
I'll tell you what. You people dodged a fucking bullet - if the Colts had kicked a field goal at the end of the game, the score woulda been 32-17, JUST off my prediction of 31-16 and you woulda never heard the end of it. Woulda been MUCHO BACK-PATTING for yours truly, re: my football genius and dammit, I played the game!
Anyways. The commercials were extremely disappointing. Though it's nice to know Coca-Cola is at the forefront of Black History month. "Oh look...Coke loves blacks!" Is anybody remotely moved by this gesture? Plus, black people don't drink Coke, they drink orange soda. Fucking christ. And the Doritos "cleanup at register 3" was bit much, no? You're trying to sell me potato chips, maybe I don't need to picture oooh, JUST off camera, the fat checkout girl covered in jizz from the dude she was mooing over. Thanks, Doritos. Or should fat girls be the ones offended; are we all supposed to assume lardass couldn't control herself and is now rolling around the floor under the register covered in Dorito cheese dust? Maybe she couldn't even get the guy, who has already left while she rubs Doritos all over herself, shoving a bag in her mouth? Interesting. We have to choose between imagining this chick covered in jizz or cheese dust. Jizz and cheese dust. "Alec, what are 'two things that have been on my dick'?"
And those Chevy commercials. "Join the revolution." really? what revolution is this? Have people never driven trucks before? OOOoooohhh, we're gonna drive $50,000 trucks!!! That'll show The Man! This is crazy!!!!!!! The founding fathers would be proud, I'm sure. "Well, they don't have health insurance and elections are rigged, but at least they're in huge trucks that get 2 miles a gallon at $2.50 per and are too big to hit the Taco Bell drive-thru. We did good. Pass me the Doritos, jizz-wig."
As for the game itself, two things. Number one, how terrible can Devon Hester's hands be? Every time you turn around, this dude is running a kick back for a td. When he's not doing that, he affects the game so much that teams squib-kick it away from him, giving the Bears great field position every time. YET. He's not used on offense. So he either has terrible hands or is completely retarded and can't learn plays. Makes me think of the Redskins AC Connell from a few years ago - a wide receiver who oddly enough wasn't on the "hands team" for onside kicks. Strange. Though people wonder why J-Lo has never been on my "Ass Team." Or Corky from "Life Goes On" not being on my "Goofs I Drug and Then Jerk Off Onto in a Closet" Team. So you never know I guess.
The other player I kept thinking of was Brian Griese, Grossman's backup. Grossman's throwing the ball around to Colts players, fumbling snaps etc you KNOW Griese is sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on thinking jesus christ...how much must I suck?!!?!?!!? Would be like being William Hung's backup in the choir. Good lord. What does it take to get him in? "Brian, Grossman just hung himself in the shower, so...wait, never mind...we'll just lay his body on the field and tape the ball to his hand. As you were."
My favorite moment of the pregame though was the Tony Dungy interview when JB asked him "Will your son be with you during the game?" Of course he answered with the cliched "oh, he'll be there with me, looking over me" stuff, which is sweet and nice to hear, but wouldn't it have been great if he had answered another way?
"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Not at all JB, he's dead."
"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Oh, do you have a shovel?"
Or maybe a hysterical, over-the-top "oh my god, he's alive?!?!? it's a miracle!!" performance. Well, I would've enjoyed it. Just like it occurred to me last night, wouldn't it be great if a ref decided fuck it, I'm gonna go down in the books as a legend and, while announcing a penalty to, you know, a BILLION people, all of a sudden turn into a standup comedian? "Holding, number 74...hey, how bout that Prince, riiiight? Say, what's big and grey and comes in quarts? An elephant! Hiyoooooooooooooooo!!!....anyways, first down." Wouldn't that be great? "Number 66, you smell like LANDfill!!....timeout, Colts." He'd be set for life on the talk circuit. Hell, it's only a matter of time before they make them do commercials on the field, isn't it? "Clipping, number 33...Chevy Silverado, America's car...(sings) this is our country...first down."
Speaking of the pre-game, those tiny metal flag pins they make all the announcers of the American flag are amazing, aren't they? I spent the whole show going "Wow, Dan Marino loves freedom! and look, Shannon Sharpe too! wait- BOOMER loves freedom!! wow!!! It's a Super Bowl MIRACLE!!!" Fucking christ. I tried to salute but got Dorito-jizz in my eye. Pickup on aisle me.
And if the 400 commercials about it are not lying to me, apparently the Police are getting back together. Which means that there's an opening now for "solo Brit lute-playing cake-boy looking to bore human race to death." Great. Was there finally an intervention? "Sting, please...no more solo albums. You're fucking killing us. They found a tape of 'The Dream of the Blue Turtles' in Princess Di's car; that was no accident. Please stop." If you love someone, set them free. Indeed.
Clock Ticking
49 hours since I asked my high school gf to be my Facebook friend. Looks like the smell of REJECTION is creeping in!!! ;)
Super Bruce
There's an article over at Sports Illustrated re: Bruce fans coming to terms with him playing the Super Bowl.
I can appreciate some of this; I for one would be a bit queasy if a Bruce song popped up in a Viagra commercial. Pun intended - I'm a funny guy!!!!!!!
But I was never one of those guys that hated when his favorite band got popular. In 1986, I wanted the entire planet to love the Replacements like I did. Bruce has sold kabillions of records and played to everyone on the planet except about 4 people; I don't know why these fans are so upset about - that the world will discover their hidden treasure, and start crashing the shows? Really?
The only way for an artist to "sell out" etc is with the art itself - as in, has Bruce changed his songwriting, or catered to "kids in Topeka like songs about dogs, so Ill write dog songs"? Since it's so subjective I guess it's an arguable point, but I'd say no. After the art is created, however many people see it or buy it has nothing to do with whether the artist has "sold out." If 5 people buy it, fine. If 5 million buy it, fine. And when you're lucky enough to have so many people love what you do that you get asked to play at the Super Bowl and you want to, you say yes. On one hand, how can you blather about how much something has meant to you and how it's bettered your life, yet you don't want other people to have the same experience? On the other hand, lighten the fuck up. It's just 12 minutes of a rock 'n roll show. There are bigger problems for your conscience to be having.
"Soul crushing"? REEEEEEEAlly?
I have friends, close friends, who are having a hard time with this, really struggling with it. They don't understand why Bruce Springsteen is playing halftime of the Super Bowl. One friend calls it "a soul-crushing betrayal." Another calls it "the ultimate sellout."
I can appreciate some of this; I for one would be a bit queasy if a Bruce song popped up in a Viagra commercial. Pun intended - I'm a funny guy!!!!!!!
But I was never one of those guys that hated when his favorite band got popular. In 1986, I wanted the entire planet to love the Replacements like I did. Bruce has sold kabillions of records and played to everyone on the planet except about 4 people; I don't know why these fans are so upset about - that the world will discover their hidden treasure, and start crashing the shows? Really?
The only way for an artist to "sell out" etc is with the art itself - as in, has Bruce changed his songwriting, or catered to "kids in Topeka like songs about dogs, so Ill write dog songs"? Since it's so subjective I guess it's an arguable point, but I'd say no. After the art is created, however many people see it or buy it has nothing to do with whether the artist has "sold out." If 5 people buy it, fine. If 5 million buy it, fine. And when you're lucky enough to have so many people love what you do that you get asked to play at the Super Bowl and you want to, you say yes. On one hand, how can you blather about how much something has meant to you and how it's bettered your life, yet you don't want other people to have the same experience? On the other hand, lighten the fuck up. It's just 12 minutes of a rock 'n roll show. There are bigger problems for your conscience to be having.
"Soul crushing"? REEEEEEEAlly?
Taxes. For Fuck's Sake.
I hate to agree with the fuckwits at RedState.org, but with Geithner and now Daschle it's tuff to argue:
I mean, for fuck's sake. Does Obama hafta take all these dumbasses by the hand and do their taxes for them? Has it come down to this - is there truly only one guy left that we can call in to solve this little problem?
PS: Does any Democratic politician pay his or her taxes properly, and on time? Do any of them know how to, even? It’s a heck of a thing to ask, but circumstances kind of require it right now.
I mean, for fuck's sake. Does Obama hafta take all these dumbasses by the hand and do their taxes for them? Has it come down to this - is there truly only one guy left that we can call in to solve this little problem?
Crabs
I'm 36 years old and I still can not wrap my head around the soft-shell crab. Do you just eat the whole thing, shell/legs and all? Wtf?
Conversely, I'm mildly surprised I don't eat all my food like this.*
* Actually, I do.
A Message to You, Rudy
Just when you thought Mitch McConnell and Republicans in the House had broken the record for political tone-deafness, along comes Count Rudy to make a play for the first place trophy:
I like Rudy's thinking here. It's NOT GIVING THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ARE LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING THE MESS WE'RE IN EVEN MORE MONEY that will create unemployment. Amazing. I guess an analogy would be claiming that NOT giving Hitler more ovens will create more dead Jews?
Rudy's solution for everything is of course to keep the super-rich super-rich, and things will "trickle down." Except it's pretty much widely accepted by now that Jesus Reagan's trickle-down nonsense has failed:
Actually I guess I'm wrong here - it's merely failed for Americans, but not RICH Americans.
Why even go thru the pretense of having these people "working on Wall Street"? Why not simply select the 5,000 richest motherfuckers from Wall Street. I mean the foulest, dumbest jagoffs who lost the most money for us, yet got the biggest bonuses. We give them all our money, a gas card and a car, and then hope that as they drive around the country they come to our shops/restaurants et al and give the money back to us. Maybe they can hide bits of cash in telephone booths, mailboxes etc? Or isn't there some program where I can "adopt" a super-rich Wall Street banker - unlike sending my money to some little shit in Africa who's starving, at least now I would be able to hope that the Wall Street guy would somehow buy something in my neighborhood, of which after about 7 years and 1,119 transactions 1/100th of my investment might've found it's way back to me? Bout the same as trickle-down economics, no?
I will admit, I admire Rudy's Bush-esque moxie here; not even pretending to hide the fact that his only theme is "I just wanna make my friends a shit-load of money." Except that if he's serious about running for governor in a few years he needs to stick to things like Jesus, 9/11 and swearing he's anti-abortion. As in there's still more dipshits out there that fall for that stuff than there are billionaire Wall Streeters.
Rudy Giuliani: Wall Street bonuses big boost for New York City
Former mayor Rudy Giuliani urged President Obama and others to go slow on cracking down on Wall Street bonuses because they help boost New York City coffers.
"If you somehow take that bonus out of the economy, it really will create unemployment," the former two-term mayor said Friday. "It means less spending in restaurants, less spending in department stores, so everything has an impact."
I like Rudy's thinking here. It's NOT GIVING THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ARE LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING THE MESS WE'RE IN EVEN MORE MONEY that will create unemployment. Amazing. I guess an analogy would be claiming that NOT giving Hitler more ovens will create more dead Jews?
Rudy's solution for everything is of course to keep the super-rich super-rich, and things will "trickle down." Except it's pretty much widely accepted by now that Jesus Reagan's trickle-down nonsense has failed:
The picture painted here is clear: from job growth to debt, and from income disparity to national poverty indices, the conservative approach of putting big corporations and the very wealthy ahead of the middle class has failed to create prosperity that can be shared by all Americans.
Actually I guess I'm wrong here - it's merely failed for Americans, but not RICH Americans.
Why even go thru the pretense of having these people "working on Wall Street"? Why not simply select the 5,000 richest motherfuckers from Wall Street. I mean the foulest, dumbest jagoffs who lost the most money for us, yet got the biggest bonuses. We give them all our money, a gas card and a car, and then hope that as they drive around the country they come to our shops/restaurants et al and give the money back to us. Maybe they can hide bits of cash in telephone booths, mailboxes etc? Or isn't there some program where I can "adopt" a super-rich Wall Street banker - unlike sending my money to some little shit in Africa who's starving, at least now I would be able to hope that the Wall Street guy would somehow buy something in my neighborhood, of which after about 7 years and 1,119 transactions 1/100th of my investment might've found it's way back to me? Bout the same as trickle-down economics, no?
I will admit, I admire Rudy's Bush-esque moxie here; not even pretending to hide the fact that his only theme is "I just wanna make my friends a shit-load of money." Except that if he's serious about running for governor in a few years he needs to stick to things like Jesus, 9/11 and swearing he's anti-abortion. As in there's still more dipshits out there that fall for that stuff than there are billionaire Wall Streeters.
Shecky Springsteen
As you may have guessed, I'm counting down the minutes til Bruce's halftime show at the Super Bowl. Enough so that I actually sat through his 23-minute press conference HERE.
It's yet another reason I love Bruce so much. 90% of today's bands would've sat there trying to be moody/ironic/trying to out-loser each other in the "who got beat up by the jocks the most?" sweepstakes. Not Bruce. Dude comes shooting out of a cannon, so old-school, as if he's training for a summer tour in the Catskills. In 23 minutes he gets off 8,934 jokes, of which 3 actually get a laugh (other than Bruce himself, I mean.) But he keeps trying, throwing them out there "Zim-ZAM How we doing, Tampa!!" I fucking love it.
Broooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooce!!!
It's yet another reason I love Bruce so much. 90% of today's bands would've sat there trying to be moody/ironic/trying to out-loser each other in the "who got beat up by the jocks the most?" sweepstakes. Not Bruce. Dude comes shooting out of a cannon, so old-school, as if he's training for a summer tour in the Catskills. In 23 minutes he gets off 8,934 jokes, of which 3 actually get a laugh (other than Bruce himself, I mean.) But he keeps trying, throwing them out there "Zim-ZAM How we doing, Tampa!!" I fucking love it.
Broooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooce!!!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Outliers
I read Outliers this morning (thanks Kelly!) and I found it alternating between being repetitive and startlingly dead-on. For instance, it's easy to start seeing some of the things he brings up over and over as being sour grapes - ie people lucky enough to be born at the right times of the year, born to wealthy families et al are the ones that become "geniuses," not merely because of innate intelligence. But then I thought of my high school. All the "smartest" kids in my class were kids whose parents were somewhat well-off. Not necessarily stupid rich, but well off. I can't think of a single poor kid who climbed the ranks, made head of the class and went to, say, University of Virginia. But of the Top 5 kids in my class, who did all go to UVa, (which is an absurdly high number in a class of 96 kids; my class was labeled as the smartest in the history of the school. whatever that's worth) their fathers were dentist, lawyer, accountant, owned successful insurance company, owned successful insurance company. So from personal experience, I can see Gladwell's thesis on this point.
And then there's my brother's class ahead of me. Which, and I don't think Brothatime!!! will refute this, was probably the dumbest class in history. Of Earth. Of the two smartest kids in the class, him and BP, neither one came from families that were well-off. I know from personal experience BrothaTime! was raised like a wolf in the middle of a field. Yet they also happened to be the two oldest kids in the class - BrothaTime!! Having been born in Dec 1970, BP in the first 2 weeks of 1971. So again, I can see one of Gladwell's theses up close and personal.
One thing he doesn't ask is WHY we like to simply label people like Bill Gates or The Beatles as just freaks of nature, and that's their reason for success. Does it make it easier for the rest of us - as in it kind of dims their success, while letting us lazily get rid of any notions of busting our own asses (Gladwell claims the "magic" number of hours of practice these people put into their craft before becoming "geniuses" is 10,000) to achieve what these "geniuses" did? Maybe. As a culture, we seem to like to have our heroes acting effortlessly - Galahad floated around not breaking a sweat while Lancelot wore hair-shirts, and it was Galahad who saw the Holy Grail. Everybody loves Jesus, but we throw a fit when someone tries to depict him as a normal man conflicted and tormented by his gifts - yes he was nailed to a cross, but we like to think of him as coolly walking on water etc. Saying "oh, he's just a freak" lets us off the hook re: doing anything ourselves other than the minimal effort.
I'm giving Outliers 5 Xmas Trees outta five - thoroughly interesting, a quick read that if you can apply it to your own life like I have, is even exponentially better. It's both wildly thought-provoking AND entertaining - buy it!
And thanks again to Kelly from The Hachette Book Group for all the free copies :)
Super Sunday
My dad never knew or cared about football, but he loved a good military marching band. He’d be the guy to walk in during halftime of the Super Bowl, sit down to watch the band, and then leave when the game started again. I almost feel like that this year; I could give two shits about the game, but I’m terrified re: Bruce at halftme. Not that he won’t pull it off, but that he’ll play Glory Days/slow song/Glory Days reprise/Glory Days/surprise Glory Days during a coaches challenge. I can't even let myself dream of a life-changing Land of Hope and Dreams as UG does.
UPDATE: Buddy Holly cover, it being 2 days before the 50 anniversary of his death?
UPDATE: Buddy Holly cover, it being 2 days before the 50 anniversary of his death?
I'm an Idiot AND an Asshole
About to get on an escalator this morning, found myself behind some old dude with a cane. “Goddammit!” I snapped to myself, “this is gonna fucking take forever!”
Very Interesting.
THE STATE OF COLORADO:
Get caught with 1-8oz of marijuana: 6-18 months jail.
Get caught soliciting homosexuals for paid sex even though you've built a lifetime condemning homosexuality, and, oh yeah, buying crytal meth: a night on "Larry King." (the show, not the man)
Hey Ted, remember: you can't have "Amen" without "men"!!
Get caught with 1-8oz of marijuana: 6-18 months jail.
Get caught soliciting homosexuals for paid sex even though you've built a lifetime condemning homosexuality, and, oh yeah, buying crytal meth: a night on "Larry King." (the show, not the man)
Hey Ted, remember: you can't have "Amen" without "men"!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Jobs
Hey, remember about 10 days ago when the total number of unemployed people in the country was 26?
Well, now that number is 4,780,000.
THANKS A LOT OSAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One black guy finally gets a job, see what happens?????
BUSH/BUSH '12
Well, now that number is 4,780,000.
THANKS A LOT OSAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One black guy finally gets a job, see what happens?????
BUSH/BUSH '12
Primary Colors
Primary Colors has been on a loop lately. And every time I see it, I swear to fucking christ that Travolta's acting job in that flick is one of these best I've ever seen. Cine-buffs will refute this, but it's true. Dude was dead-on the whole flick.
Herro!
In today's My GrownUp & Me Class the "teacher" read the customary book or two, and then pulls out a Chinese calendar to show the kids. I don't know where this came from; and when I see one of these things I automatically look for Roung Asian porn on it. Is that wrong? Yes and no - yes as in yes it's wrong; no as in I ruvs me some Asian porn.
ANYway - as the kids are running up torlook at it, the woman next to me remarks "oh, these kids are probably pigs!" To which I instantly replied "well, look at their mothers." Which was not only greeted by no laugh, but a slightly horrified look from said woman.
Of course about ten minutes ago I realized she meant THE YEAR OF THE PIG, as in what year they were born.
Sigh.
ANYway - as the kids are running up to
Of course about ten minutes ago I realized she meant THE YEAR OF THE PIG, as in what year they were born.
Sigh.
Today's Curious George Line to Which My Response Would Be "Hey, Me Too!"
"George and Jumpy played nut hockey all day."
This Year's Soccer Post
I get a kick out of earnest David Beckham articles in the sports pages. Certainly I'm not the only person whose first thought is "David Backham plays soccer? Really?"
I guess we're all so wrapped up inis he gonna let Posh do soft-core porn with Kim Kardashian is he going to Milan or LA. Hmm.
I guess we're all so wrapped up in
Gordon vs. Mario? Really?
Although neither one of them seems aware they're feuding, I believe we all know on whose side I'd be. Sorry, you red-bearded crocs-wearing fat fuck!!!Meanwhile, don't forget - Hell's Kitchen season premiere tonight!! 4 outta 5 stars according to the News. Can't wait, Gordo!!!!
ps - just saw the episode of The F Word with Gordon's mom guesting in his kitchen. Reminded me of when I met Bruce's mom. Oh, I never mentioned meeting Bruce to you people? Oh, silly me...
Heil Little Kid!!!!!!
As the YMCA is in Greenpoint, most of the mothers or nannies in The Short Bus' class are Polish. So imagine my surprise when I found myself wondering "where'd that kid learn to goose-step?" this morning. Shit's whack.
Smooth Move, Dipshits
Back in December I wrote that Republicans will regret any great efforts to block Obama's stimulus plan:
Today Daniel Larison agrees with me:
First of all, Daniel: thanks for reading! Second of all yes, sometimes I do scare myself with how smart and prescient I am. But all I can do is keep on keeping on.
And you Republicans, keep picking the wrong battles to flame out on (heeeeey, let's try picking on Jessica Alba! No WAY she can make you look stupid, right!!) Will be fun watching you try to explain yourselves come midterms.
Mukluks Tip: Andrew Sullivan.
But by now, after paying attention the last few months, we can at least get a feel for these things, and we can tell from jump street that McConnell had no problem pushing through a plan to give hundreds of billions of dollars to rich people who had lost money playing Russian roulette with other people's money, but apparently will try to block a plan whose key words are things like "jobs" "jobs" and "jobs." In other words, nobody should give a shit what McConnell is saying. "The people" know that after all these absurd bailouts for the rich, here's a plan that may actually help them, and want the shit to go through. And ring-a-ding-ding for McConnell pretending to give a shit about "fraud and waste," but if while providing up to 3 million jobs around the country Maine gets $1 million for studying whether fish would masturbate if they had access to my old Heather Thomas poster and hands, nobody cares. Pass the shit, get moving. Any minute wasted over some dude huffing and puffing against the bill for political theater is another minute added to the Bush administration.
Today Daniel Larison agrees with me:
Having blown the obvious opportunity to tap into populist outrage over the bailout, which was supported by perhaps a third of the electorate at most, the leadership now decides to make their stand opposing a bill that commands support from a broad majority of the country, and they do so at a time when their stand, such as it is, will be forgotten by the time the midterms come around.
First of all, Daniel: thanks for reading! Second of all yes, sometimes I do scare myself with how smart and prescient I am. But all I can do is keep on keeping on.
And you Republicans, keep picking the wrong battles to flame out on (heeeeey, let's try picking on Jessica Alba! No WAY she can make you look stupid, right!!) Will be fun watching you try to explain yourselves come midterms.
Mukluks Tip: Andrew Sullivan.
I'm Fat Everyday
Check out I'm Fat Everyday, a blog by a buddy of mine from college. Jesus christ, if there ever was a thing that could finally convince me that I can do it, Spanky losing about 160lbs is it.
In college Spanky was one of those guys that was just plain fat. Not husky, not big-boned, but fat. I fool myself into thinking well, at one time I was an athlete, I graduated high school 6'2" 190lbs of pure tiger meat and maple syrup gristle, so of course magically overnight I'll return to that. Which of course is a farce. Spanky though you could tell was always a fat kid. If you had asked me in 1993 if Spanky would one day lose 15 lbs I would've laughed you out of the room.
And here he's done it - lost 160 fucking pounds!! Dude runs marathons, triathlons, onandonandons. Unreal. Fucking amazing. If you held up a picture of him today there's no way I'd realize it was him. One day he woke up and realized what I need to: I am morbidly obese. I am miserable. I have to change.
And here's the last guy in the world I would've thought could do it, and he did it times ten. Fucking a. Tough to make excuses for myself anymore. Congrats,Spanky Andy!!!!
In college Spanky was one of those guys that was just plain fat. Not husky, not big-boned, but fat. I fool myself into thinking well, at one time I was an athlete, I graduated high school 6'2" 190lbs of pure tiger meat and maple syrup gristle, so of course magically overnight I'll return to that. Which of course is a farce. Spanky though you could tell was always a fat kid. If you had asked me in 1993 if Spanky would one day lose 15 lbs I would've laughed you out of the room.
And here he's done it - lost 160 fucking pounds!! Dude runs marathons, triathlons, onandonandons. Unreal. Fucking amazing. If you held up a picture of him today there's no way I'd realize it was him. One day he woke up and realized what I need to: I am morbidly obese. I am miserable. I have to change.
And here's the last guy in the world I would've thought could do it, and he did it times ten. Fucking a. Tough to make excuses for myself anymore. Congrats,
Embarrassing
I was gonna comment on the anathema of selling a song for as much money as possible but then turning your nose up at selling said song for as mch money as possible to sell other things for as much money as possible, but then I discovered "anathema" means nothing even remotely close to what I thought it did. What an idiot.
See? A pretend college graduate's mind at work. And I'm watching your children!!
See? A pretend college graduate's mind at work. And I'm watching your children!!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Olivia Newton-John's Ex-Beau - missing and presumed dead - Is Alive
Hmm. And yet:
I guess I'll be the one to say it:
Slut.
"You're next? Come on up, big boy."
Newton-John, who dated McDermott for nine years, has since moved on and married businessman John Easterling in the summer of 2008.
I guess I'll be the one to say it:
Slut.
"You're next? Come on up, big boy."
GOP: Even Bigger Pussies than We Thought?
As usual, it's amazing to me how right wingers cow-tow to media blow-hards like Rush, Hannity et al. And just to kick things up a notch, today we saw a GOP Congressman basically crawl on his hands and knees to Rush, begging forgiveness for not baking him any tittycakes this morning. Most people would be embarrassed by this, but you can almost feel the seismic shift of millions of his listeners putting their fists in the air, a la "Fat White Power!!"
Cause what's funny is that nobody holds these people accountable for being even remotely right about anything - it doesn't matter what someone like Rush says and that between shows he actually gets proven 100% wrong; by his next show the audience is jacked up, ready to hear and cheer whatever he says next. Again, leading one to reflect how EMOTIONAL these listeners are. But the past few days of seeing that GOP congressmen are actually terrified of someone like Rush Limbaugh says a lot in terms of what these congressman feel they have to offer as leaders, and how well they know their ownaudience constituents.
And now once again Bernie Goldberg is on O'Reilly, screaming and crying re: the Big Three news anchors are "slobbering" over Obama, of course thanks to the media's (say it with me) liberal bias. Goldberg has crafted a career now out of screaming about the left-wing bias that has taken over television....while on, what do you know...television. Hmm.
Matter of fact, even as I'm watching Goldberg cry, I see this chart:
Chart by way of HERE.
Obviously, this chart is a small piece of evidence that would dispute the notion of the crazy left-wing bias Goldberg rails against even existing. Except once you've spent ten minutes listening to these shows and it's listeners, you realize that it SIMPLY DOES NOT MATTER if it's true or not. Doesn't matter. I've said it 100 times: if there's a left-wing bias, they're really bad at it. Cause none of this shit ever gets called out, it just goes on. Cause the right wing has wisely discovered what's true - facts may well outlast emotion, but not RIGHT NOW. And as long as you keep up a constant stream of RIGHT NOW, the truth will just hafta wait.
THESIS: Arizona 26, Pittburgh 19 (sorry Watty!)
Cause what's funny is that nobody holds these people accountable for being even remotely right about anything - it doesn't matter what someone like Rush says and that between shows he actually gets proven 100% wrong; by his next show the audience is jacked up, ready to hear and cheer whatever he says next. Again, leading one to reflect how EMOTIONAL these listeners are. But the past few days of seeing that GOP congressmen are actually terrified of someone like Rush Limbaugh says a lot in terms of what these congressman feel they have to offer as leaders, and how well they know their own
And now once again Bernie Goldberg is on O'Reilly, screaming and crying re: the Big Three news anchors are "slobbering" over Obama, of course thanks to the media's (say it with me) liberal bias. Goldberg has crafted a career now out of screaming about the left-wing bias that has taken over television....while on, what do you know...television. Hmm.
Matter of fact, even as I'm watching Goldberg cry, I see this chart:
Chart by way of HERE.
Obviously, this chart is a small piece of evidence that would dispute the notion of the crazy left-wing bias Goldberg rails against even existing. Except once you've spent ten minutes listening to these shows and it's listeners, you realize that it SIMPLY DOES NOT MATTER if it's true or not. Doesn't matter. I've said it 100 times: if there's a left-wing bias, they're really bad at it. Cause none of this shit ever gets called out, it just goes on. Cause the right wing has wisely discovered what's true - facts may well outlast emotion, but not RIGHT NOW. And as long as you keep up a constant stream of RIGHT NOW, the truth will just hafta wait.
THESIS: Arizona 26, Pittburgh 19 (sorry Watty!)
For All You Motherscratchers Who For Years Laughed at Me for Standing By Her, Saying Oooooh Xmas, She's Fat! She'll Always Be Fat!!!! I Got Two Words:
Fuck.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OOoooooooooooh Yeah!
You'll wanna pull up a chair for this one!! Will be the Charlie Guiteau of our time, trust me. Popping corn, looking forward to it.
A Modest Proposal
A coupla months ago I posted that college was a waste for me, as there are three reasons to go to college, and I somehow avoided all three:
Reading about Cornell's crocodile tears yesterday, I've noticed that college has become one of those rare things that the more useless and market-flooded it is, the more expensive it is. What the hell does being a college graduate even mean anymore?
Not having perfect vision is a way the Air Force thins out the herd of prospective pilots. And yet once you finish flight school, what's the first thing they do? Give you glasses. It's the same thing with college - it takes about 30 seconds into your first job interview to realize nobody gives a shit where you went or how you did, as long as you graduated. Except for the real elite top layer of colleges, graduating college has become what graduating high school was a generation ago. There are so many colleges out there that, if you have enough money, you'll go somewhere. And so we've become a country filled with baby-sitting colleges that immediately flood the job market with so many people that having gone to college is simply a checkoff point, like perfect vision (though a less than perfect analogy, as perfect vision is more discriminatory) for the Air Force. Hell, if I have 40 friends, about 20 went to schools I've never heard of, and another 10 went to huge schools that just seem to be herding cattle.
And yet, as I've said, the less the quality of a college degree matters the more expensive it is. My almost matters is a joke of a university, but at least it only cost me $900 my first semester. This fall? $7,900. Has the worth of graduating from there gone up....whatever the fuck percent it's gone up price-wise? Hell no - the academic status is still in somewhat the same line with the others schools it had been, but the costs have been allowed to go up absurdly.
So either we hafta completely surrender to the dilution of the college degree and admit that most students are there because their parents are rich enough to stash them away somewhere and 95% of them don't fucking matter, or we have to reverse the course and make a college degree mean something. My solution is that college should be completely free, but almost impossible to get and stay in. Yes, if you have a 4.0 in high school you may go to college. Get your first B, and you're out. Tough shit.
But Xmastime, you say like the late great Craig "Iron-Head" Heyward in those soap commercials, what about the other 90% of high school students? Well, put 'em to fucking work. Either they come up with something for themselves like an invention, or a restaurant, or they join a trade or company that actually does something. This country was built on the masses building and working on shit that actually mattered. Surely there's a connection between the fact that our complete infrastructure is in dire need of repair after all these decades, we don't manufacture things anymore, we're running out of money, and yet at the same time we have millions and millions of cubicles in offices filled with people in nebulous jobs who had enough money to go to college, graduated, and then got into the "Gentleman's Club" of office jobs that nobody really knows what it is they do. Like the middle class itself, the "middle class" of the work force seems to be disappearing - either you're working at McDonald's, or you have a corner office at Capital One in which you instant message your friends all day while making $120/year. Whereas decades ago the C- student would be working at a factory building parts to reinforce bridges, today's C- student is your financial adviser. Is this the right direction to be going?
THESIS: The dilution of the college degree has led to the vanishing of the middle class workforce, which is why we're in the position we are now.
1) to really assert yourself academically in an extraordinary university, eg create a career of academe through Harvard (direct subset: a clearly-defined professional degree route, like teaching/artchitect/lawyer etc)
2) to use the time to network with like-minded people towards a goal, eg the Napster/MySpace/whatever guys
3) to do all the right things and immediately upon graduation land a job that while neither stimulating nor even important is safe, secure and leads to a very fine quality of life, eg C-student business degree, landing a job at Capital One or some such.
Reading about Cornell's crocodile tears yesterday, I've noticed that college has become one of those rare things that the more useless and market-flooded it is, the more expensive it is. What the hell does being a college graduate even mean anymore?
Not having perfect vision is a way the Air Force thins out the herd of prospective pilots. And yet once you finish flight school, what's the first thing they do? Give you glasses. It's the same thing with college - it takes about 30 seconds into your first job interview to realize nobody gives a shit where you went or how you did, as long as you graduated. Except for the real elite top layer of colleges, graduating college has become what graduating high school was a generation ago. There are so many colleges out there that, if you have enough money, you'll go somewhere. And so we've become a country filled with baby-sitting colleges that immediately flood the job market with so many people that having gone to college is simply a checkoff point, like perfect vision (though a less than perfect analogy, as perfect vision is more discriminatory) for the Air Force. Hell, if I have 40 friends, about 20 went to schools I've never heard of, and another 10 went to huge schools that just seem to be herding cattle.
And yet, as I've said, the less the quality of a college degree matters the more expensive it is. My almost matters is a joke of a university, but at least it only cost me $900 my first semester. This fall? $7,900. Has the worth of graduating from there gone up....whatever the fuck percent it's gone up price-wise? Hell no - the academic status is still in somewhat the same line with the others schools it had been, but the costs have been allowed to go up absurdly.
So either we hafta completely surrender to the dilution of the college degree and admit that most students are there because their parents are rich enough to stash them away somewhere and 95% of them don't fucking matter, or we have to reverse the course and make a college degree mean something. My solution is that college should be completely free, but almost impossible to get and stay in. Yes, if you have a 4.0 in high school you may go to college. Get your first B, and you're out. Tough shit.
But Xmastime, you say like the late great Craig "Iron-Head" Heyward in those soap commercials, what about the other 90% of high school students? Well, put 'em to fucking work. Either they come up with something for themselves like an invention, or a restaurant, or they join a trade or company that actually does something. This country was built on the masses building and working on shit that actually mattered. Surely there's a connection between the fact that our complete infrastructure is in dire need of repair after all these decades, we don't manufacture things anymore, we're running out of money, and yet at the same time we have millions and millions of cubicles in offices filled with people in nebulous jobs who had enough money to go to college, graduated, and then got into the "Gentleman's Club" of office jobs that nobody really knows what it is they do. Like the middle class itself, the "middle class" of the work force seems to be disappearing - either you're working at McDonald's, or you have a corner office at Capital One in which you instant message your friends all day while making $120/year. Whereas decades ago the C- student would be working at a factory building parts to reinforce bridges, today's C- student is your financial adviser. Is this the right direction to be going?
THESIS: The dilution of the college degree has led to the vanishing of the middle class workforce, which is why we're in the position we are now.
Obama + Mamatime! = Go to Skool, Pussies!!!!
Obama being pissed re: DC schools being so quick to shut down due to weather cracked me up, and made me think of my mother. As I posted before in this story about my wanting a set of Barbie dolls (cough), my mother would lose her mind every time my school would shut down cause of three flakes of snow.
Ha! :)
Both my parents were from parts of Lowell, Massachusetts, but while my father quickly adopted a Southern drawl and took to sipping iced tea while taking us from one Civil War battlefield to the next, my mother preferred to smoke her Winston 100s and pull her hair out wondering why the hell this hick town school system would shut down for a mere 8 inches of snow on the ground. “We used to go to school in a blizzard!!!” “Well, you lived in a city.” “Edmund, shut the hell up!” “I’m Xmastime!” “Whichever, you little (beep) redneck.”
Ha! :)
Cancer Cure??? World Peace??
Ashlee Simpson's rant re: her sister getting shit for being a fat-ass has been making the rounds today. In particular, I myself am a bit distressed by this line:
Really? If we stop talking about Jessica's weight, we can get back to...things that really matter? What the fuck has Ashlee been working on that's so important for us? All these pictures we see of her and that husband-in-makeup of hers - what has she been hiding?
I'm appalled - enough about Jessica's ass; let's fucking find out what Ashlee's been working on, people!!!!!!!!!
"Now can we focus on the things that really matter."
Really? If we stop talking about Jessica's weight, we can get back to...things that really matter? What the fuck has Ashlee been working on that's so important for us? All these pictures we see of her and that husband-in-makeup of hers - what has she been hiding?
I'm appalled - enough about Jessica's ass; let's fucking find out what Ashlee's been working on, people!!!!!!!!!
Torre II
More shit from the Torre book is in the papers, and I still have no idea why he even wrote this book. And such juicy stuff, too - wow, players didn't like Pavano? David Wells was a pain in the ass, Randy Johnson didn't bake cupcakes everyday? Gee. Illuminating stuff.
And why so close to his time here - it's only been one season since he coached here, and he's willing to do this shit? How much money could he possibly be getting for it - more than he could get after he retires going around giving speeches about the glory days? What's the point?
I do have a feeling he's going to draw a line between his latter teams - All-Star-laden behemoths of individual performers - and his championship teams - "team players" who weren't great but were happy to fill roles. Why? Cause then he gets the credit as the genius coach. Nobody wants to have to say "Yeah, we won cause we had great players hitting the shit out of the ball." Never mind these "no names" included a Hall of Famer at short, a second baseman who was a premiere leadoff hitter for almost a decade, two AL batting champions in the outfield, a great rotation and the best closer in history, along with a few hired mercenaries (Strawberry, Justice et al.) Oh yeah, and a 1B whose rbi totals during that time include 117, 141, 123, 113. Hmm. Yeah, what a fucking genius. How'd he ever do it?
Torre either owes somebody something fierce, or this book is pure spite that he'll regret in about three years.
And why so close to his time here - it's only been one season since he coached here, and he's willing to do this shit? How much money could he possibly be getting for it - more than he could get after he retires going around giving speeches about the glory days? What's the point?
I do have a feeling he's going to draw a line between his latter teams - All-Star-laden behemoths of individual performers - and his championship teams - "team players" who weren't great but were happy to fill roles. Why? Cause then he gets the credit as the genius coach. Nobody wants to have to say "Yeah, we won cause we had great players hitting the shit out of the ball." Never mind these "no names" included a Hall of Famer at short, a second baseman who was a premiere leadoff hitter for almost a decade, two AL batting champions in the outfield, a great rotation and the best closer in history, along with a few hired mercenaries (Strawberry, Justice et al.) Oh yeah, and a 1B whose rbi totals during that time include 117, 141, 123, 113. Hmm. Yeah, what a fucking genius. How'd he ever do it?
Torre either owes somebody something fierce, or this book is pure spite that he'll regret in about three years.
Enough Bullshit
Yesterday I wondered if the time taken haggling over the stimulus package will end up making it meaningless. Today I'm reminded that for the banking bailout, the whole discussion took about 30 seconds, and nobody even pretended to ask/care how the money was gonna be spent. "Whoa, whoa, please! None of our business! Enjoy!!!!"
In other words, isn't there some way we can convince the people holding things up that the money in the stimulus is going directly to outrageously wealthy white men? Pull off some bait-n-switch afterwards? I can't be the only one thinking that if someone suggested simply handing the money over to Bernie Madoff, the check would be written and delivered by lunchtime today, can I?
"Small bills, please."
In other words, isn't there some way we can convince the people holding things up that the money in the stimulus is going directly to outrageously wealthy white men? Pull off some bait-n-switch afterwards? I can't be the only one thinking that if someone suggested simply handing the money over to Bernie Madoff, the check would be written and delivered by lunchtime today, can I?
"Small bills, please."
Clothing Madness
Baby clothing is one of the biggest rip-offs in the world. $30 for something that'll last a week that the kid couldn't give two shits about (but, ironically, that he might shit ON.) There should be some sort of huge national co-op, where the shit gets passed around and around throughout the country. Nobody should hafta buy a new piece of baby or toddler clothing until about 2060. For fuck's sake.
Sun's Out
The other day someone remarked "oh look, the sun's out." Which struck me as strange for the first time - basically, the sun acts like a huge light bulb for the world. When a light bulb goes "out", we mean it no longer emits light - yet the sun being "out" means the complete opposite. Funny to me. Not armpit-farts funny, but funny.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Manny Tapes
Whenever I take Short Bus to class I worry I'm hogging all his time; I tend to kinda hover around him, and when we're in the gym I'm constantly throwing a ball at his head "throw it back to me!" So sometimes I try to kinda slip away and force him to interact with the other kids instead of me. Which, of course, never happens - for all the "social interaction" the class (and all these classes, really) promises, it's basically 18 kids walking around in circles completely ignoring each other.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was yesterday when Short Bus slowly, carefully sidled up to another dude who was playing at the pretend-kitchen thing, moving plastic dishes around. He ends up right next to the kid and turns to me (I had backed up about 8 feet away), his face lit up in ecstasy and in an exaggerated stage whisper loudly whispered to me "Rats!! Who's this???!?!!!!!" while pointing to the kid. I was like a giddy 6th-grade school girl, clasping my hands together under my chin and practically cooing out loud "ooooooh, thats Jimmy - he likes glue, Sesame Street and shitting in his sleep!!!! Talk to him, TAAAAAAAAAALK to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"HAHAHAHAA!!! Well, I guess I can't invite him over, since you'll probably eat him, you fat fuck!!"
So you can imagine how thrilled I was yesterday when Short Bus slowly, carefully sidled up to another dude who was playing at the pretend-kitchen thing, moving plastic dishes around. He ends up right next to the kid and turns to me (I had backed up about 8 feet away), his face lit up in ecstasy and in an exaggerated stage whisper loudly whispered to me "Rats!! Who's this???!?!!!!!" while pointing to the kid. I was like a giddy 6th-grade school girl, clasping my hands together under my chin and practically cooing out loud "ooooooh, thats Jimmy - he likes glue, Sesame Street and shitting in his sleep!!!! Talk to him, TAAAAAAAAAALK to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"HAHAHAHAA!!! Well, I guess I can't invite him over, since you'll probably eat him, you fat fuck!!"
Update
And speaking of male enhancement. When I was a young buck I dreamed about meeting a girl and falling in love. Holding her hand, going to the movies and putting my arm around her, shit like that. Now, thanks to internet porn and not having a girlfriend for 13 years, I mostly dream about a girl being forced to sit on chicken's face while her mom gives me a prostate exam. I feel I am not going in a good direction.
McDonalds is Amazing...Shocker!
Speaking of McDonald's, what does it take to have these mofos lose money?
Via HERE:
Nobody has any money, nobody has a job, yet McDonald's profits went up 80%!!!! In other words, why the fuck aren't these people in charge of getting our economy back on track? Wtf?
Via HERE:
Lifted by growing demand from consumers seeking low-cost meals in a deepening recession, the hamburger chain said Monday profits soared 80% last year to $4.3 billion.
Nobody has any money, nobody has a job, yet McDonald's profits went up 80%!!!! In other words, why the fuck aren't these people in charge of getting our economy back on track? Wtf?
Commercials That Bite Themselves in the Ass
The commercial for this stuff has been on roughly 99% of the last tv viewing day. You know, Id've been fine with whatever commercial they ran if they didn't insist on saying "it's NATURAL!!" every 3 seconds. How can something be "natural" if you have to take a pill for it? I don't care what the shit it, but you overplay your hand and get called bullshit on when you insist on insisting so much. Like those fucking billboards for McDonald's with a Big Mac that reads "100% pure beef!!" or those McNugget commercials that insist on following you around the room, SWEARING that they're "real white meat!!!!" For fuck's sake, I know the shit is snake lips and paper mache, and I'm fine with it cause I love the shit - but DON'T try to fucking swear you're something you're not, cause that's when I get pissed. Grrrr. "Natural." Right.
I will now clear the comments section for a nice, healthy round of dick jokes.
Sports
Anquan Boldin is getting a lot of shit for his sideline outburst in the Cards' playoff win against the Giants. While I'm not in love with players creating scenes on the sidelines with coaches for any reason, I think calling this one a "T.O. moment" goes a bit too far. I'm a Cowboys fan, but comparing Boldin to T.O. doesn't seem fair to me. T.O. would've been screaming and shouting at the coaches demanding the ball, insisting Romo throw him the ball on every play no matter what. From what I can tell here, Boldin simply wanted to be on the field - one because he's a competitor and was one of the biggest reasons the Cards were in that position to win in the first place, and also because he has a brain and saw the absurdity of having someone as good as him standing on the sidelines during a crucial play (see Pete Carroll leaving Reggie Bush on the sideline on 4th down vs. Texas.) Sure he could've handled it better, but getting painted with the TO brush isn't something to be done lightly, and I don't think Boldin deserved it.
I'm guessing all the parts of Joe Torre's book that are worth reading have already been batted around by the media already; surely the rest is a typical Torre snoozefest. And to think A-Rod gives two shits what Torre thinks about him is laughable. While I haven't forgiven Torre for batting A-Rod 8th against the Tigers, I'm sure A-Rod has better things to worry about. Like the fact that he's fucking a woman who's 145 years old, for instance.
And you KNOW the recession is really hitting everyone when someone's making $27M this year and still needs to have a second job. Tough to watch.
I'm guessing all the parts of Joe Torre's book that are worth reading have already been batted around by the media already; surely the rest is a typical Torre snoozefest. And to think A-Rod gives two shits what Torre thinks about him is laughable. While I haven't forgiven Torre for batting A-Rod 8th against the Tigers, I'm sure A-Rod has better things to worry about. Like the fact that he's fucking a woman who's 145 years old, for instance.
And you KNOW the recession is really hitting everyone when someone's making $27M this year and still needs to have a second job. Tough to watch.
Loving Every Minute of It
Anyone else liking this nutjob more and more every day? I mean if you're gonna be crazy, do it like Blago - leave a hole of an exact outline of yourself in the wall a la Wile E. Coyote. Everything he says is funny, you KNOW he's already written his own ABC Movie of the Week about his story (starring Blago as Blago!), and he didn't bother to show up at his impeachment hearings - for all the publicity it's received, I'd say his having considered choosing Oprah to fill the Senate seat is about the most normal thing he's said so far. All the serious shit that's been going on in the political arena these days, we need this guy in the news every day. Standard, daily corruption in politics goes over our heads, but this guy makes it easy for us. Between him being in the news 24/7 and the fact that we are about to hand over this Earth-saving stimulus package to a Treasury Secretary who couldn't figure out TurboTax, I'm looking forward to a few WHACKY months from the political side of things....SORELY needed in the new age of Mr. Serious Obama.AND...apparently a certain SOMEbody is thinking about running for governor of NY...I don't wanna jinx it, cause the daily unintentional comedy will be through the roof...but let's just say he shares a first name with that of a scrappy undersized Notre Dame walk-on from 1975. Sigh. I've said too much!! Fingers crossed!!!!!!!
I Am a Woman, Part XXVI
On the train this morning, there was a couple across from me who were in the midst of a hellacious fight - JUST loud enough for me to catch about 65% of it, but just low enough through clenched teeth to be frustratingly out of reach for my ears to catch it all. And sitting right next to them was some dude...who had headphones on. Oblivious. Since I guess I am now Gladys Gravitz and my desperate need for strange gossip knows no shame, I could hear myself bitch "headphones??! he's not even trying to hear them - what a fucking waste of a spot!!"
Sigh.
Long Distance Dedication
To The Rambler - the internet's go-to Gatorade guy.
Of all the flavors to cut, why did Gatorade ever get rid of the Citrus Cooler flavor - aka the only one with any actual taste? Ain't seen it in about 15 years. WTF?
UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!
About Time Dammit
Last week I bitched HERE about the paucity of articles about the 50th anniversary of The Day the Music Died. Drunken Dater finally found one HERE. Thanks double-D! ;)
The Stimulus
Haven’t we been reading/hearing about this stimulus for so long now we prolly have no idea what it even means anymore? I mean, how the fuck long have they been going back and forth on this thing - at some point, wouldn’t the window for it having any kind of positive affect and making any real difference have closed on us, making more sense to say “fuck it”?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Nostracrapus
Mamalizza over at Mamalizza is worried that there will be no GrizzaDay in 2013, thanks to yet another show wasting our time about Nostradamus. Over the past few years, the endless stream of shows on the History Channel about this bullshit along with how cheap the producers know it is to thrill us has rankled me.
So this jagoff said a bunch of things hundreds of years ago that some people think he's gotten right. So what? He's gotten just as many wrong; and even the ones that are "right" are usually in dispute.
The fact is, there were tons of guys back then who had nothing to do but sit around and think of shit like this. Whereas today I might spend my time jerking off to a Photoshop-ed picture of Jessica Simpson's titties battered and deep-fried in a bucket, the equivalent centuries ago was to sit around and dream up fantastical shit about the future. So they say that Nostradamus is The King of this shit, let's say he got 500 things "right." Well, I guess there's some guy that got 499 things right. And 498. And on and on. So maybe Nosy got ONE more thing seen as right; he's some sort of seer? Please.
Also as for this Dec 12, 2012 nonsense - even if you believe he got a bunch of stuff right (cause you're an idiot), do you then hafta believe he got EVERYthing right? What if the guy that got 499 things right is the one who nailed the date the world ends, and it's June 4, 3229? Or, what if there's some guy who got a million things wrong, but nailed the date somehow? There are 365,000 days in a millinium, so your odds of randomly nailing a date for any reason is markedly better than winning the lottery. Which people do several times a year (or more.)
This 12/21/2012 nonsense is getting the pub cause it's so close, meaning obviously someone can make some $$$ ratcheting up the frightening worry about it. The funny thing about people who believe in a sudden end of the world is that as horrified as they are about dying et al, they're even MORE offended to think that the world would come to a final, dramatic end without them. As if they weren't invited to the ultimate party. Chagrined! No "true believer" when asked when the end of the world will come ever says "oh, millions of years from now;" they always say "oh yeah, April!!!!"
Stupid shit like falling for this Nostradamus crap makes us feel like we're invited to the party, even if we really know it's not true. And the History Channel should be ashamed of itself for giving time to this crap.
So Mamalizza: be cool! Stay in school! We'll be fine!! :)
So this jagoff said a bunch of things hundreds of years ago that some people think he's gotten right. So what? He's gotten just as many wrong; and even the ones that are "right" are usually in dispute.
The fact is, there were tons of guys back then who had nothing to do but sit around and think of shit like this. Whereas today I might spend my time jerking off to a Photoshop-ed picture of Jessica Simpson's titties battered and deep-fried in a bucket, the equivalent centuries ago was to sit around and dream up fantastical shit about the future. So they say that Nostradamus is The King of this shit, let's say he got 500 things "right." Well, I guess there's some guy that got 499 things right. And 498. And on and on. So maybe Nosy got ONE more thing seen as right; he's some sort of seer? Please.
Also as for this Dec 12, 2012 nonsense - even if you believe he got a bunch of stuff right (cause you're an idiot), do you then hafta believe he got EVERYthing right? What if the guy that got 499 things right is the one who nailed the date the world ends, and it's June 4, 3229? Or, what if there's some guy who got a million things wrong, but nailed the date somehow? There are 365,000 days in a millinium, so your odds of randomly nailing a date for any reason is markedly better than winning the lottery. Which people do several times a year (or more.)
This 12/21/2012 nonsense is getting the pub cause it's so close, meaning obviously someone can make some $$$ ratcheting up the frightening worry about it. The funny thing about people who believe in a sudden end of the world is that as horrified as they are about dying et al, they're even MORE offended to think that the world would come to a final, dramatic end without them. As if they weren't invited to the ultimate party. Chagrined! No "true believer" when asked when the end of the world will come ever says "oh, millions of years from now;" they always say "oh yeah, April!!!!"
Stupid shit like falling for this Nostradamus crap makes us feel like we're invited to the party, even if we really know it's not true. And the History Channel should be ashamed of itself for giving time to this crap.
So Mamalizza: be cool! Stay in school! We'll be fine!! :)
Business Bullshit Updated
A coupla months ago I posted re: my spidey senses tingling on the bullshit of so many companies unloading so many employees at the same time so quickly.
A built-in excuse for unnecessary streamlining; making it that much easier for 5 guys at the top of a company to get an extra .004% return instead of keeping thousands of jobs alive.
And now today we're told about Pfizer merging with Wyeth to create a "drug behemoth," with Pfizer ponying up $68 BILLION for this. A maybe seemingly hopeful business move in this dark forest of late, peut-etre?
Then why is Pfizer about to cut 8,190 jobs, on top of 4,700 from last year? "Sorry, gotta cut jobs, gotta cut gotta cut...oh, snatch up our biggest competitor for $68B? No problem!!"
I'm not a business guy. I graduated Egg Foo Laude from a college that wasn't even the best school in our town of 7,000 people. I don't really have anything to lean on other than believing in my own brilliance even tho I ...oh, i already used the egg foo laude line.
Anyways. I hate to be a Pollyanna, but something stinks here and I question the validity of these drastic job cuts by companies. Look at the title of the article I linked: "Bloody Monday." Hmm. Really? Sounds a bit...MUCH, don't it? Or another example of the media pounding us with "crisis" so we become so inured to it we don't bother to raise a fuss no matter who/how many get axed? As I said before, "In short, my spidey-senses are telling me some companies are taking advantage of the current economic climate and our collective empathy during these times and are cutting jobs when they might not really need to."
Now, of course someone who knows much better than myself can explain how all big businesses are intertwined in a macroeconomic way, and they'd probably be right, but I'm also wondering if some businesses are taking advantage of the overall climate and daily deluge of bad news re: layoffs et al, figuring out that if they thinned out their own payrolls now rather than some other time, they'd get less shit for it. "Hey, it's tough EVERYwhere, sorry!" That whether they really NEEDED to make cuts or not, jumping in on the layoff bandwagon would be a very savvy move, and the "ooh! oooh! me too!" tactic is the way to do it.
A built-in excuse for unnecessary streamlining; making it that much easier for 5 guys at the top of a company to get an extra .004% return instead of keeping thousands of jobs alive.
And now today we're told about Pfizer merging with Wyeth to create a "drug behemoth," with Pfizer ponying up $68 BILLION for this. A maybe seemingly hopeful business move in this dark forest of late, peut-etre?
Then why is Pfizer about to cut 8,190 jobs, on top of 4,700 from last year? "Sorry, gotta cut jobs, gotta cut gotta cut...oh, snatch up our biggest competitor for $68B? No problem!!"
I'm not a business guy. I graduated Egg Foo Laude from a college that wasn't even the best school in our town of 7,000 people. I don't really have anything to lean on other than believing in my own brilliance even tho I ...oh, i already used the egg foo laude line.
Anyways. I hate to be a Pollyanna, but something stinks here and I question the validity of these drastic job cuts by companies. Look at the title of the article I linked: "Bloody Monday." Hmm. Really? Sounds a bit...MUCH, don't it? Or another example of the media pounding us with "crisis" so we become so inured to it we don't bother to raise a fuss no matter who/how many get axed? As I said before, "In short, my spidey-senses are telling me some companies are taking advantage of the current economic climate and our collective empathy during these times and are cutting jobs when they might not really need to."
Healthcare 101
Someone smarter and less lazy than myself (yes, these people exist) needs to do a cost analysis on the difference between having to pay for people to go to the emergency room because they have no health insurance and simply providing universal health insurance. I don't know how close those numbers will be, but if they're in the same hemisphere I feel like THAT'S where we should start any debate on the realities of healthcare. Anything else I feel would somehow be willfully less-than-true.
More Influenza
Matt Yglesias has a few posts wondering why text books don't really deal with the Influenza Epidemic of almost 100 years ago. Like my own experience, I guess Yglesias learned nothing of this in class either - how could such a cataclysmic event be so overlooked in our school textbooks? He wonders if it's mostly due to history books only wanting to give the "good news;" back in June I wondered if the flu epidemic was TOO GREAT for text books (not sexy, like 9/11 may be seen.)
As per one of the quotes from the doc I saw on the subject:
Mostly, Yglesias needs to quit being 8 months behind me.
But the above quotes back up what I’ve always kinda thought. 9/11 was bad, sure; but what nobody wants to say out loud is that it wasn’t THAT bad. It was just bad enough for us as a country to embrace our very own “tragedy,” to give ourselves a JFK Assassination date if you will. To give ourselves a reason to practice rituals of collective mourning. It was a tragedy, but it was small enough that we don’t mind commemorating it with any gift shop piece of crap that we can sell. I don’t see shot glasses with pictures of Hiroshima or Nagasaki, and I certainly have never seen wifebeaters with INFLUENZA 1918: NEVER FORGET pictures on them. Something that "real" I guess it's easier to just try and forget it. Anything "real enough," we love to collectively hurl ourselves on the casket during the funeral and cause a scene.
As per one of the quotes from the doc I saw on the subject:
FANNIN: Why? Why wasn't that part of our memory? Or of our history. I think it's probably because it was so awful while it was happening, so frightening, that people just got rid of the memory. But it always lingers there. As a kind of an uneasiness. If it happens once before, what's to say it's not going to happen again. The more we find out about influenza virus, the more real that fear becomes.
Mostly, Yglesias needs to quit being 8 months behind me.
More Gitmo BS
I mentioned the hypocrisy of the right when it comes to closing Gitmo HERE. And now they're crying and whining re: bringing the detainees onto American soil to process and imprison if need be. For all their macho, hawkish talk when it comes to killing 'em all and letting God sort 'em out, these people sure turn into pansies when the shit gets close to home, don't they?
As if bringing one of the Gitmo Guys over here automatically means they'll escape and then slit every throat in Bumfuck's Drawers, USA. There were 11,500 prisoners who escaped last year. Which sounds like a lot, until you realize we have over 2,300,000 prisoners. So that means one-half of one percent of prisoners escape. And that includes minimum security joints, where you can pretty much breeze in and out if you're wearing your Matchbox 20 t-shirt. So the odds on these guys, who I'm sure will have EXTRA security on them anyways, breaking out is very slim. In other words, one thing our government seems fairly good at is finding people to stuff our prisons with and keeping them there.
Hey, nobody wants a prison in their backyard. I understand that. But if you're gonna act big and tough while bloviating re: policing the world, you hafta do a little better than putting them on a far-off island where nobody's sure if actual laws really apply. More faux-hawishness bullshit from the right.
Another thing that cracks me up is that nobody waxes poetic about the competence of men in uniform like these very people who are crying to not let the Gitmo Guys be held in prisons over here. These jagoffs can sniff a camera from miles away and fire up the waterworks re: how brave and amazing the troops are, and how amazing our homeland security guys are etc etc. But when it comes to stopping about 200 guys shackled and behind huge walls from escaping and killing everybody at every Wal-Mart in the country, well no no no; obviously they can't handle THAT!!
If we're going to be grown-ups about this whole thing, we hafta quit being such pussies. If we're gonna be grownups, we hafta quit telling the world we're scared of men we've had shackled for almost a decade who prolly weigh 50 pounds each by now. Otherwise, put 'em all on a one-way Chinatown Bus back to where they came from, wish 'em luck and be done with it.
Otherwise, I believe a certain ex-president said it best: "Bring 'em on."
As if bringing one of the Gitmo Guys over here automatically means they'll escape and then slit every throat in Bumfuck's Drawers, USA. There were 11,500 prisoners who escaped last year. Which sounds like a lot, until you realize we have over 2,300,000 prisoners. So that means one-half of one percent of prisoners escape. And that includes minimum security joints, where you can pretty much breeze in and out if you're wearing your Matchbox 20 t-shirt. So the odds on these guys, who I'm sure will have EXTRA security on them anyways, breaking out is very slim. In other words, one thing our government seems fairly good at is finding people to stuff our prisons with and keeping them there.
Hey, nobody wants a prison in their backyard. I understand that. But if you're gonna act big and tough while bloviating re: policing the world, you hafta do a little better than putting them on a far-off island where nobody's sure if actual laws really apply. More faux-hawishness bullshit from the right.
Another thing that cracks me up is that nobody waxes poetic about the competence of men in uniform like these very people who are crying to not let the Gitmo Guys be held in prisons over here. These jagoffs can sniff a camera from miles away and fire up the waterworks re: how brave and amazing the troops are, and how amazing our homeland security guys are etc etc. But when it comes to stopping about 200 guys shackled and behind huge walls from escaping and killing everybody at every Wal-Mart in the country, well no no no; obviously they can't handle THAT!!
If we're going to be grown-ups about this whole thing, we hafta quit being such pussies. If we're gonna be grownups, we hafta quit telling the world we're scared of men we've had shackled for almost a decade who prolly weigh 50 pounds each by now. Otherwise, put 'em all on a one-way Chinatown Bus back to where they came from, wish 'em luck and be done with it.
Otherwise, I believe a certain ex-president said it best: "Bring 'em on."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Morning Banking
From outta nowhere at 4am this morning my cell phone started buzzing, and I saw it was a text message. "Oooooooh!" I squealed with glee - obviously a text message at 4am is a booty call, and I wondered which one of my hot, slutty, drunken girl friends wanted to come over and fuck me dry for 4 or 5 hours...an amusing conclusion to spring to when it had happened exactly zero times before, therein making it as arbitrary as assuming that, say, the guy that played Chuck in the first season of Happy Days was texting me. Also, my "squealing with glee" would intimate that I might be awaiting a gentleman suitor anyways. Hmm.
Of course I open it and it's an URGENT message from Chase Bank - call IMMEDIATELY!, as a restriction had been put on my account. "That's odd," I thought to myself, as I slowly closed my phone and placed it on the night stand, holding my hand over mouth deep in thought and knocking out 150 pushups just for the fuck of it, "...why would they contact me at 4am...on a weekend morning...with a text...when I haven't had a bank account since 1992...."
Anyways, I called out of curiosity, and of course got a "what're you doing calling us no, we re-open Monday from 11:00 to 11:15, jackass" recording.
I'm not an expert on solving the financial crisis. No, really. But I hope all the money isn't being poured into the "Text Banking Solutions Program. Grrr.
Of course I open it and it's an URGENT message from Chase Bank - call IMMEDIATELY!, as a restriction had been put on my account. "That's odd," I thought to myself, as I slowly closed my phone and placed it on the night stand, holding my hand over mouth deep in thought and knocking out 150 pushups just for the fuck of it, "...why would they contact me at 4am...on a weekend morning...with a text...when I haven't had a bank account since 1992...."
Anyways, I called out of curiosity, and of course got a "what're you doing calling us no, we re-open Monday from 11:00 to 11:15, jackass" recording.
I'm not an expert on solving the financial crisis. No, really. But I hope all the money isn't being poured into the "Text Banking Solutions Program. Grrr.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Beatles by the Numbers
Mukluks Tip: Kiko Jones
Someone has taken the time to rank every Beatles song from worst to best. And, remarkably, comment on each of the 186 songs. Of course I have some thoughts.
5 SONGS INCREDIBLY OVER-RATED ON THE LIST:
(Not that they're necessarily bad songs, but woefully misplaced...I love She's Leaving Home and I Am the Walrus, but camon.)
She's Leaving Home (3)
I Am the Walrus (2)
Within You Without You (27)
You Won't See Me (28)
I Don't Want to Spoil the Party (22) (better than She Loves You???!???! wtf???!?!)
5 SONGS INCREDIBLY UNDER-RATED ON THE LIST:
(All of these are slices, yet the highest ranked is only 160? Wtf??!?!)
Don't Pass Me By (169)
I'll Cry Instead (161)
Doctor Robert (168)
The Word (166)
Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (160)
And of course the biggest "Are you fucking kidding me??!" one is I Wanna Hold Your Hand being...#114. 114!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!!?!? It's hard to take a list seriously when they have IWHYH at 114. For fuck's sake. It made MY #6 all-time slice by ANYone on this list here.
Topped, of course, by a certain scrappy squad from Brooklyn :)
I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Hayday
Someone has taken the time to rank every Beatles song from worst to best. And, remarkably, comment on each of the 186 songs. Of course I have some thoughts.
5 SONGS INCREDIBLY OVER-RATED ON THE LIST:
(Not that they're necessarily bad songs, but woefully misplaced...I love She's Leaving Home and I Am the Walrus, but camon.)
She's Leaving Home (3)
I Am the Walrus (2)
Within You Without You (27)
You Won't See Me (28)
I Don't Want to Spoil the Party (22) (better than She Loves You???!???! wtf???!?!)
5 SONGS INCREDIBLY UNDER-RATED ON THE LIST:
(All of these are slices, yet the highest ranked is only 160? Wtf??!?!)
Don't Pass Me By (169)
I'll Cry Instead (161)
Doctor Robert (168)
The Word (166)
Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (160)
And of course the biggest "Are you fucking kidding me??!" one is I Wanna Hold Your Hand being...#114. 114!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!!?!? It's hard to take a list seriously when they have IWHYH at 114. For fuck's sake. It made MY #6 all-time slice by ANYone on this list here.
Topped, of course, by a certain scrappy squad from Brooklyn :)
I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Hayday
Friday, January 23, 2009
Forest Hump is Still Funny Tho
As I don't believe America has a monopoly on civil rights, I somewhat agree with Tom Hank's apology, as in I wouldn't call what the Mormons did Un-American. I would however, call it Un-Human.
Guns are for Fairies
The red-state redneck NRA-loving nut jobs who fight against gun control need to quit being such fucking pussies. If they're trying to insist that a 12 year-old retard loaded up on vodka gimlets should be able to walk into a Wal-Mart and walk out 10 minutes later with a flame-throwing bazooka, they also need to insist he be able to drive home. How can these people raise such a fuss over any rules visa vis guns, but seem okay with there being rules for driving a car? Pretty weak, you fucking pussies. If you're all gung-ho to get all Mad Max on us, you better go all the way. Until you've broadened your fight to allow me to drive a school bus loaded up on smack while randomly spraying the neighborhood with one of your precious little machine guns, you look like a bunch of cherry-picking faggots. I, for one, am not impressed. "From my cold dead hands"? How bout "From my cold, dead limp-wristed hands clutching my European carry-all"?
Fucking pussies.
Fucking pussies.
No Speech?
Watching the final episode of The West Wing, featuring the inauguration of Matt Santos, it occurs to me to wonder why the outgoing president doesn't speak at inaugurations. Seems odd, no?
Of course, this is something that I only think of during The West Wing and not in the midst of the most important actual inauguration of my lifetime. So.
Of course, this is something that I only think of during The West Wing and not in the midst of the most important actual inauguration of my lifetime. So.
I Don't Wanna Jinx It, but...
...first Robert Downey, Jr.
Now Micky Rourke.
Could the next in line be...
?
Now Micky Rourke.
Could the next in line be...
?
jjnbdui23883289ye3tquwauat877rr7^E%EW@#!@!@$%
I once read that when a mother has a kid, she immediately loses 12% of her brain. Which I initially pish-poshed, but now I'm starting to believe it. The first year or so doesn't affect you that way, cause the kid just lays there like a sack of potatoes. But by the time he/she is two, your brain is fucking pummelled. All day, you have to repeat the same few sentences over and over. "Put that down," "Over here," "Come on now, stop that" over and over and over and over. And it's impossible to have a fluid, uninterrupted thought in your head, thanks to the constant barrage of incredibly loud toys, shit falling over, and the kid screaming/schrieking semi-constantly.
With no kid, you might think "At some point today, I would like to purchase a new egg-beater."
With a two-year old in the room, it becomes "At some (fire truck crashing onto hardwood floor, dropped from table, jarring you) point (woo-woo-woo!!!! shrieking siren from random barn animal goes off) to (kid screaming for no reason)(stiiiiiiiiiill screaming while jumping up and down) day, I would (hafta grab lamp that's falling over, step on toy car almost breaking ankle) like (kid shrieking, yelling and pointing at...nothing) to purchase (stop kid from pounding his own head on the floor, Tigger airplane jet noises go off) a (kid again shouting, pounding on table with car, splitting your skull with the noise)(still shouting, running in circles) new....(by now you have completely forgotten what the fuck you were talking about, picking up the 23,228 Matchbox cars the kid has dumped on the floor and has no intention of playing with, throws sandwich at the dog and then bounces up and down screaming.)"
I wasn't too bright to begin with, but now my brain is officially mush. I find myself staring into space praying for silence or at least no jarring noises. I'd compare it to post-traumatic stress syndrome, like soldiers back from a war - a sudden BANG!!! sends me recoiling in horror at the thought of another truck being slammed on a table repeatedly. I'm amazed I can find my way home every night at this point. And this is with a kid who from what I can tell is the easiest, mellowest kid in the world!!
Seriously. Pack my ass up, send me to the funny farm. I'm ready.
With no kid, you might think "At some point today, I would like to purchase a new egg-beater."
With a two-year old in the room, it becomes "At some (fire truck crashing onto hardwood floor, dropped from table, jarring you) point (woo-woo-woo!!!! shrieking siren from random barn animal goes off) to (kid screaming for no reason)(stiiiiiiiiiill screaming while jumping up and down) day, I would (hafta grab lamp that's falling over, step on toy car almost breaking ankle) like (kid shrieking, yelling and pointing at...nothing) to purchase (stop kid from pounding his own head on the floor, Tigger airplane jet noises go off) a (kid again shouting, pounding on table with car, splitting your skull with the noise)(still shouting, running in circles) new....(by now you have completely forgotten what the fuck you were talking about, picking up the 23,228 Matchbox cars the kid has dumped on the floor and has no intention of playing with, throws sandwich at the dog and then bounces up and down screaming.)"
I wasn't too bright to begin with, but now my brain is officially mush. I find myself staring into space praying for silence or at least no jarring noises. I'd compare it to post-traumatic stress syndrome, like soldiers back from a war - a sudden BANG!!! sends me recoiling in horror at the thought of another truck being slammed on a table repeatedly. I'm amazed I can find my way home every night at this point. And this is with a kid who from what I can tell is the easiest, mellowest kid in the world!!
Seriously. Pack my ass up, send me to the funny farm. I'm ready.
Gays. Torture. Oh My!
What torture and opposing gay marriage have in common is that the people who support them simply cannot imagine that some day such tactics could be used on them. For instance, if people can get together to vote against gay people getting married, what makes you think that one day people won't get together to ban STRAIGHT marriage? Once you start making it okay to ban certain groups of people from, say, marrying each other, you set a precedent that one day can come back to bite you in the ass. Obviously not tomorrow, or next week or next year - but it's certainly POSSIBLE. And remember, it wasn't that God came down and banned gay marriage in CA because it was somehow "sacred;" it was that a bunch of Mormons in Utah raised enough money to make it happen. Yeah. How miraculous. If Bill Gates and every member of Major League Baseball decided to pool their money to ban heterosexuals from marriage, you don't think it could happen? Please.
As with torture. Once you give the "okay" to torture, you set a precedent that could lead to one day your son is in a cell in China being forced to eat stuffed-crust pizza while listening to David Silver's Greatest Hits. Now yes, obviously there are evil people in the world who are going to do it anyway. But by that reasoning, we should make murder legal, since evil people are going to do it anyway.
Xmastime. Connecting the dots between the homos and torture. Sigh. I'm amazing!!!!
As with torture. Once you give the "okay" to torture, you set a precedent that could lead to one day your son is in a cell in China being forced to eat stuffed-crust pizza while listening to David Silver's Greatest Hits. Now yes, obviously there are evil people in the world who are going to do it anyway. But by that reasoning, we should make murder legal, since evil people are going to do it anyway.
Xmastime. Connecting the dots between the homos and torture. Sigh. I'm amazing!!!!
Gitmo Hypocrisy
I love these Republicans who are all of a sudden OUTRAGED!!! that Obama is shutting down Gitmo (in a fucking year.) Yes, I'm sure Obama is personally gonna escort these prisoners into heavily populated Girl Scout troops. They're all of a sudden FURIOUS!!!, shouting that instead of simply releasing them, Obama has to determine who's guilty and who's not and deal with them.
Which is funny, cause I haven't heard these same people screaming that we have to do something with them before this week. I guess they were happy with the ol' American "guilty til proven more guilty, no due process" etc way of American justice.
I guess I have two questions about all this. Number One, what the fuck have they been doing down there for 7 goddam years? Have we just been letting guilty AND innocent men stew in their cells for almost a decade for a reason, or are we just really, really bad at this? I mean, the way someone like Rudy Guiliani likes to describe these people whenever he's lighiting up my tv is that they're "evil monsters." Well, if you can't prove the guilt of an "evil monster" after seven years, maybe you need to go back to a real law school. I mean, was Monica Goodling in charge of appointing all these lawyers? Wtf?
And number two, how can we blame this on Bill Clinton?
Which is funny, cause I haven't heard these same people screaming that we have to do something with them before this week. I guess they were happy with the ol' American "guilty til proven more guilty, no due process" etc way of American justice.
I guess I have two questions about all this. Number One, what the fuck have they been doing down there for 7 goddam years? Have we just been letting guilty AND innocent men stew in their cells for almost a decade for a reason, or are we just really, really bad at this? I mean, the way someone like Rudy Guiliani likes to describe these people whenever he's lighiting up my tv is that they're "evil monsters." Well, if you can't prove the guilt of an "evil monster" after seven years, maybe you need to go back to a real law school. I mean, was Monica Goodling in charge of appointing all these lawyers? Wtf?
And number two, how can we blame this on Bill Clinton?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
My Next Career
Holy shit! I've spent the last 20 years moaning and groaning about winning a measly four games in my entire varsity football career - but now it looks like I'll have another chance at glory!!!!!! Why not?...yeah, my competition might be slightly more than half my age, and twice as fast and muscular as I ever was, but you don't think this old dog has some tricks up his sleeve? Camon. For instance, only I could throw off the timing of these NFL cornerbacks. They're used to the ball being hiked and BAM! dude blowing by them. Only I can have the cornerback thinking' "ahhhh...is he running? Has he released from the snap?...what the hell is going on here...?" And in terms of trash-talking the defense and throwing them off their game, someone saying "I fucked your mother!" could have more of an impact if they are indeed as old as that person's mother, no?
I'm doing this.
I'm doing this.
Picturetime
Me and SistaTime!!'s retarded dog, Buddy. Chillin.
(Odds of SistaTime!! calling screaming "Buddy's NOT RETARDED!!!!": very high to incredibly high.)
Pizza(s!!!!!!!!)
Just the headline of this story WIFE TELLS HUSBAND TO DELIVER PIZZAS drives me bananas enough to remind me of an old post from back in the day.
Two words I hate when peope pluralize them are "pizza" and "beer." ESPECIALLY beer. You can't say "hey, let's go get some beers!" without sounding like Mickey Mouse in 9th grade. Goes right through my fucking skull. It's beer. and pizza. Period. Chutterfucks.
ps - an example of the exact opposite is "tits." I cringe if I hear a girl say "tit"; it's gotta be "suck my big fucking tits." Of course, it's been so long - do girls still even HAVE tits? Christ.
Corporate Burping
While in an office, I've had to switch my caffeine drink-of-choice from Diet Coke to coffee. Normally I can drink gallons of DC with no noticeable effects. But for some reason, whenever I'm in a very quiet office within 5 feet of a woman and drink Diet Coke, I spend hours constantly emitting tiny, hopefully-only-noticed-by-me burps. It's not one loud BRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKK, it's a constant fucking torrent of inside mouth burps. Unreal. Drives me fucking insane. If I'm here for six hours, I spend roughly 350 minutes thinking "oh shit...did she hear that?...oh man, she must've heard that one, that's disgusting...oh god, is this going to stop sometime today..." and on and on. Fucking christ; it's like I'm a fucking bat sending out sonar signals. Wtf. I'm like the goddam 20 year-old family dog that farts constantly.
Sigh. This is what I've become once released into corporate America.
Sigh. This is what I've become once released into corporate America.
Ahh, Memories...
Today is Op's birfday, which will be marked hereafter with an annual re-posting of this classic gem. Enjoy! :)
via videosift.com
via videosift.com
"Spiritual"
I like it when these chicks on tv sit in their mini-skirts made out of see-thru band-aids and brag about their lofty Zen-ness by claiming "I'm not religious but I'm very spiritual." Which of course is dimwit-ese for "get up before 4pm? On the weekend? Are you for reals?"
Just once I'd like to see one them brag "I'm super religious; I go to Mass every day, but I'm not spiritual at all. There's nothing there, I'm a vacuous tube, but I loooooove religion and going to church."
Just once I'd like to see one them brag "I'm super religious; I go to Mass every day, but I'm not spiritual at all. There's nothing there, I'm a vacuous tube, but I loooooove religion and going to church."
Dropping Soap in the Shower
For all his talk about people bending over and grabbing their ankles, I think the serious question needs to be asked....can Rush Limbaugh bend over and grab his ankles?
History.
I think that as historians look back on the Bush presidency, one of the signs of how fucked-up things got is that during his 8 years in office the Red Sox won not one but TWO World Series, and the Yankees won exactly zero. I mean, there are signs of the Apocalypse, and then there's Chowderheads dancing in the streets. Let's get the Earth back on it's axis, people!
Enough!
I’ve seen a lot of bitching from the “too cool for school” camps about Bon Jovi having the gall to sing A Change is Gonna Come at the concert last Saturday. Obviously he was asked to do it; I doubt he was asked to do Dead or Alive and then insisted on switching to this song - and if someone says “Would you like to sing A Change is Gonna Come with Bettye LaVette at the Obama celebration concert?” you say “Thank you, what time shall I be there?” Now, if you wanna be peaved at someone, you can wonder who's the wizard that upon hearing Bettye LaVette was gonna sing THE greatest anthem of the Civil Rights Movement during a celebration for the first black president thought "Hey, you know who we should match her up with for a duet? One of the bleached-out veterans of the 80's soul-sucking hair-metal wars." THAT you may question. I'm sure Al Green must've been wondering if his phone was broken. Otherwise, you need to get off Bon Jovi's ass.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Charlie Daniels is a Fucking Idiot
I realize that picking on my BFF Charlie Daniels is like picking on a retard (sorry, retards!), but in his latest soapbox screed re: how much he can't believe we let Bush have only 2 terms since he's the greatest American ever, he even somehow crosses his own line for "ass dumb":
These two lines has so many things wrong in their few words I just had to step back from my computer, shake my head "wow," scratch my balls, walked to the counter, popped a diet Coke, realized I was still scratching my balls, squinted at the screen again, flipped through the newest Oprah magazine, spun in a circle a little bit, thought about the time I puked on my first day of 5th grade, thought about the fact that if I had no idea that one of the girls on The Real World had a penis 6 weeks ago she'd prolly be my favorite from the cast, looked out the window, shook my head "wow" again, knocked out as many pushups as I could in only 45 minutes (3), saw a commercial for what looks to be the worst movie ever I Love You Man, did the "Cosby Dance," knocked out a letter to my pen pal (hi Paxton!), spun around in circles until my hand finally came off my balls, and then sat back down to think about what Charlie had said.
I'm sure Obama (2 wars, world-wide economic crisis reaching panic status, the world hates us) wouldn't mind trading first-day problems with his predecessor ("man, how am I gonna spend all this money Clinton left us? dang!")
Does anybody remember this "media witchhunt" Charlie's talking about? Really? Hmm. Now, while it's true that at the time I was inventing the Running Man dance so I was admittedly a tad distracted, I think I speak for most everybody when I say that between the day he took office and 9-11, we pretty much heard zip about Bush. Nobody cared. Remember, we were on such cruise controlled good times that we had a race between someone generally acknowledged as a bit of an idiot and someone who was probably the most qualified candidate in history and we said "fuck it, put the idiot in" cause nobody thought it really mattered. So to speak as if everyone was foaming at the mouth to attack Bush is absurd. Everyone was rolling in the dough on pretend internet stocks and TCBY chains; we thought so little of who the president may be that we voted against one of the guys who had been responsible for our success cause he was "boring." So then 9-11 happens, REALLY the first time we bothered hearing from Bush, and what happened? Explosive popularity in the polls, and historic coddling support from the media, Congress, the people etc etc. Which of course he pissed away, but that was HIS fault. He took all the good feelings and good press and flushed it all down the toilet,
So during the "honeymoon" (Charlie's word) I remember Bush being vaguely ignored, on vacation a lot, and then held up with more popularity than anyone in history. Hmm. Yeah, poor bastard.
Charlie, go eat a bag of fucking dicks.
Obama will have a luxury that George Bush never did. From the first day of Bush's administration until the last the mainstream media have done everything in their power to diminish him.
These two lines has so many things wrong in their few words I just had to step back from my computer, shake my head "wow," scratch my balls, walked to the counter, popped a diet Coke, realized I was still scratching my balls, squinted at the screen again, flipped through the newest Oprah magazine, spun in a circle a little bit, thought about the time I puked on my first day of 5th grade, thought about the fact that if I had no idea that one of the girls on The Real World had a penis 6 weeks ago she'd prolly be my favorite from the cast, looked out the window, shook my head "wow" again, knocked out as many pushups as I could in only 45 minutes (3), saw a commercial for what looks to be the worst movie ever I Love You Man, did the "Cosby Dance," knocked out a letter to my pen pal (hi Paxton!), spun around in circles until my hand finally came off my balls, and then sat back down to think about what Charlie had said.
I'm sure Obama (2 wars, world-wide economic crisis reaching panic status, the world hates us) wouldn't mind trading first-day problems with his predecessor ("man, how am I gonna spend all this money Clinton left us? dang!")
Does anybody remember this "media witchhunt" Charlie's talking about? Really? Hmm. Now, while it's true that at the time I was inventing the Running Man dance so I was admittedly a tad distracted, I think I speak for most everybody when I say that between the day he took office and 9-11, we pretty much heard zip about Bush. Nobody cared. Remember, we were on such cruise controlled good times that we had a race between someone generally acknowledged as a bit of an idiot and someone who was probably the most qualified candidate in history and we said "fuck it, put the idiot in" cause nobody thought it really mattered. So to speak as if everyone was foaming at the mouth to attack Bush is absurd. Everyone was rolling in the dough on pretend internet stocks and TCBY chains; we thought so little of who the president may be that we voted against one of the guys who had been responsible for our success cause he was "boring." So then 9-11 happens, REALLY the first time we bothered hearing from Bush, and what happened? Explosive popularity in the polls, and historic coddling support from the media, Congress, the people etc etc. Which of course he pissed away, but that was HIS fault. He took all the good feelings and good press and flushed it all down the toilet,
So during the "honeymoon" (Charlie's word) I remember Bush being vaguely ignored, on vacation a lot, and then held up with more popularity than anyone in history. Hmm. Yeah, poor bastard.
Charlie, go eat a bag of fucking dicks.
His First Screwup!
Obama retakes oath of office after Roberts' mistake.
I'm against this - what if down the road Obama fucks up and finds himself in some deep shit, wouldn't it be great if as they're about to finally nail him he just goes "you know, I wasn't actually the president anyway" and gets off? Awesome.
I'm against this - what if down the road Obama fucks up and finds himself in some deep shit, wouldn't it be great if as they're about to finally nail him he just goes "you know, I wasn't actually the president anyway" and gets off? Awesome.
Marine Dumb
I was watching some doc the other day, I think it was about the White House, and they talked about Marine One, the helicopter that takes the President around town (mostly to Air Force One) so they don't hafta pop out a motorcade and clog up the city every time the Prez wants some taquitos from 7-11.One thing I never realized before is that for security reasons, whenever they're flying Marine 1 they always fly ANOTHER one alongside it as a decoy. Not only that, but the helicopters cut back and forth on each other, constantly changing who's where in whatever random formation they're in. For security, of course. Cause I guess there's nothing safer than two 15-ton metal boxes with 61-foot long spinning metal blades bobbing and weaving and circling within a few feet of each other like 3 year-olds playing soccer. Christ.
And two seems superfluous anyway, no? I mean, if I have my shit so together that I can get ONE missile or whatever shot at one of these things, wouldn't you think I could shoot TWO if I wanted? If I can get that close to popping one off at the President, I'd like to think I would've had the foresight to take about 4 seconds to do a little research online and realize "ok, I need to bring TWO Russet baking potatoes. Got it!"
February 3, 1959
We're coming up on the 50th anniversary of The Day the Music Died, and I have yet to see one article, or even one mention about it. Wtf?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
