New Recurring Daily Post: "What Was Xmastime Thinking About A Year Ago Today?"

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Shroud of Urine

Posted by Xmastime at 12:43 PM  

Get Your Teabags Out. This is Fucking BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!

Look Out, Fellahs.

She's BACK.

The Political Aide Tell-All Book...

...the new Celebrity Sex Tape?

Includes sex, betrayal, and is becoming rote.

(can somebody please send a video camera to wasilla?)

We're All Scholars Now (grit teeth, fume)

Earlier this morning I was laughing at THIS nonsense. Hmm. Yeah, if there's one thing America is, it's crowded with people who spend a lot of time studying the Constitution, to the point up risking career, family, and death in the event that, of all people, the President, does not adhere to it vis-a-vis their own what I'm sure is highly enlightened personal standard. Including, of course, the Army, which prides itself on doing exactly what it's told without a whole lot of thought.

But no, we're all Constitutional scholars all of a sudden. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

And tonight, I can't even skate by FOX News on my way to my new slice Pawn Wars without having to hear about people screaming that the 1000-page healthcare bill be made available online for them to peruse. Hmm. Yes, cause I'm we're all familiar with the language that makes up a congressional bill, right? Of course. Also, and I don't wanna sound like an elitist here,I did go to "The Harvard on the Appomattox," but are these really the people that are used to reading 1000-page books? (and no, reading Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.  83 times doesn't count, sorry) I mean, I noticed the whole Atlas Shrugged revolution ran outta steam once everybody realized it was a 5-inch thick book that doesn't have a single picture of a map in it. Camon. I gotta feeling that if you looked up who leads the league in not reading books but all of a sudden is demanding that the 1000-page bill be online for him to analyze, you'd find this guy.

Ah, Facebook...What Could Go Wrong?

Is There Nothing a Horse Won't Do For a Laugh after a Few Pops?

How Long Do I Hafta Stare Until I Can See the Rolling Stones?

Yeah, But It'll Make God Happy

Not satisfied with simply defeating the the public option today, the Senate Finance Committee made it a twofer by also guaranteeing your daughter gets knocked up in the same dumpster she aborts her daughter in on prom night. Mmmmm...sexy, AND awesome!!

We've all heard about the major disappointment of yesterday's Senate Finance Committee meeting. But the defeat of the public option wasn't the senators' only poor decision of the day. As the Associated Press reports, the committee spent the evening approving a measure to restore $50 million of federal funding to abstinence-only sex education. That's right, folks: These 23 senators think it's more important to devote several million dollars to teaching your children lies than to provide a realistic public alternative to a healthcare hell created by private insurance companies. Are you pissed off yet?

Like Seeing Eye Dogs, Here's Some Bitches That Have Finally Been Put to Good Use

Where Do I Sign Up?

That's It. I Give Up.

What's the Word for...

...the same sitcom being re-run on two different channels every night, but spaced only 4 or 5 episodes apart in their series sequence? Grrr.

The Manny Tapes...Book?

Sometimes I wonder if it'd be worth the effort to cobble together all of The Manny Tapes entries from this blog and put them out as a book; maybe even with a cd (do people still use cds?) or all our Fireside clips together. And make some $$$.  But then I think who the fuck would pay for it when it's all sitting right here? (that's what she said?)

Well, apparently if you like to read about Meghan McCain's hair extensions or what it's like to be the great, great, great granddaughter of a politician and are worried she's not sitting on a big enough pile of money already, you may soon be able to pay for it. Interesting.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Page after page of me telling you what a dumb shit you are? I'll buy that, you fat fuck!!!!"

Youth

The History Channel seems pretty concerned that the world is going to end in 2012, in accordance with a Mayan prediction (or, as the History Channel calls it, an "ancient Mayan prediction"...seriously, is it even possible these days for anything Mayan to NOT be ancient? Who the fuck is running the History Channel - Meghan McCain, who insists on repeatedly qualifying "adolescents" with "young" in her Daily Beast "columns"? grrrrr.)

Anyways, if the world DOES end in 2012, I really hope it's in the first half of the year, so I will have died in my 30's. Such a young man, that Xmastime!

Hypocritical Interview (also the Name of Me & Op's Next Banjo-led Puppet Band Project)

Yglesias reiterates the hypocrisy of Congress being "horrified" at the thought of socialized healthcare while enjoying it themselves. Yglesias is a real writer for a real blog, so he can't say what I can: people are stupid. Seriously, why stop there? Why not have some Congressmen as a goof start stomping around what an "evil" being paid to work is, give Glenn Beck a wheelbarrow of Omaha Steaks to spread the word on tv, and see how many teabaggers flood the streets to call Obama the devil for allowing personal income, "like they have in Europe!!!"

The greatest example of how stupid people are is, of course, when an election comes around and they pull the lever for whomever has most convinced them how superfluous the job is and that the group they're looking to join is a bunch of clowns who can't do anything right. I wonder how that would go down at my next job interview?

Interviewer: okay Mr. Xmastime, tell me why you should work here.
Xmastime: well, because I think this company shouldn't be here in the first place and is a complete waste of time and money.
Interviewer: what? really?
Xmastime: yeah, I mean if people want widgets, they should make their own, right?
Interviewer: ahhhhhh...
Xmastime: why would they even trust us to make the widgets in the first place? We can't do anything right!
Interviewer: I wouldn't say that...
Xmastime: hey, hire me, and I will make sure this company does as little as possible. If that.
Interviewer: sounds great. Can you start on Monday?
Xmastime: I don't work Mondays. See you Tuesday - I'm bouncing, motherfucker!! PEACE!!

Let's End This Already

I mean, can we just get straight to it already and quit wasting everybody's fucking time, and have Sarah Palin pose for fucking Playboy? Seriously, give her some ridiculous amount of money, like $40M, for a nice fat spread of her lolling around naked on a grizzly bear she just blew away with a rifle. This would make everybody happy: Hugh Hefner can be launched into the "Great Centerfold in the Sky" on the heels of his greatest moment since Marilyn Monroe, Palin will have the shitload of money she wants so bad, and the rest of us won't have to be assaulted by her blathering away like a fucking 2nd grader giving speeches and "writing" books. It's a win-win-win. How can we make this fucking happen?

A Conversation with Myself, If I Was Actually Somebody Else (Chapter 1)

"Dude. Come on. You can't be running around banging every single hot piece of ass in the whole goddam neighborhood. These are real people for chrissakes; you're playing with their emotions. I mean, twins? Really? You had to go there? Quit sticking your dick in every girl around - get your shit together, choose one of these outrageously hot chicks you're banging to have an adult relationship with and grow the fuck up. For fuck's sake man, enough already."

I Am Craving

fried fucking chicken. jesus.

An Inside Look

I'm an incredibly private guy. You guys know that, you know I keep everything about myself a secret. I guess that's part oif being a...I dunno, is Superhero the right word? Yes? No? Hey, not for me to say.

But every once in a while I like to give yall a little peek into my life, so I got one of the UG's syphilis-riddled wheelchaired interns to take a few pictures of me "at the office" in return for letting him sniff my lower back after I jogged in place for 5 minutes, so here ya go: a day in the life of Xmastime, pounding out these posts for you people!!

Fireside with XMASTIME

I JUST GOT RICK-ROLLED

Gotta admit. Made me laugh.

Pissed for Not Having Thought of This Before

I just saw this post-it note stuck on a door I walked by:

Dear __________,


Your packages are at my home. Not sure if we missed you yesterday. Fed-Ex asked if they could leave them here. Feel free to stop by anytime. You can ring the 1st floor bell.


Thanks,
C---------
7-- Maujer Street

Dear God man, how have I not thought of this before?!!?!

"Dear Audrina...."

I mean, what girl is NOT going to come get juicy, tasty packages she thinks are waiting for her? Lure her in, work my magic!

"That's right, just up ahead...in the corner...sorry, the light's broken..."

Zingaaaaahhh

Of course he would think this, as women don't generally vote for Republicans. This would be like a liberal claiming that racists shouldn't be allowed to vote.

If I Was a Billionaire

I'd go to Cincinnati and get this Skyline Chili shit. Fucking a.

Question

Is "blithering" ever NOT funny? You could tell me "I'm about to take a blithering shit in your mouth," and I would take a split second to laugh to myself "blithering!! hahahaha!!!" Having shit in my mouth ould NOT be funny, but that's beside the point.

Palin's bookers are said to be asking for $100,000 per speech, but an industry expert tells Page Six: "The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

XMASTIME Ramones Over/Under

I posted about MAGNET doing an Over/Under on the Ramones HERE. Partially disgusted with their lazy efforts, I decided to make my own list.

OVER-RATED
To qualify for "over-rated," a song had to be somewhat popular, my criteria started at "has Sistatime! ever heard of this song?" and went from there. It doesn't mean I don't LIKE  a song, it means it's cultural  penetration exceeds it's own worth in and of itself.

Beat on the Brat - the "oooooohs" are great, and the song is great, and personally I love it - but it's iconic, in-10-movies-a-year, everybody-in-the-world-loves-it status GREATLY outweighs it's worth as an actual song. I would say it's only achieved the status it has because of it being in the two-hole behind the mother of all iconic slices, Blitzkreig Bop (gee, even starts with the same letter...) Presented to me today, I'd be like "pretty cool." But nothing more. (and suffers from the weak sound of the first album, which sounds like whispering next to Leave Home or Rocket to Russia.)

She's the One - as I said before, "Ramones 101." Could be in a Ramones Mad Libs book (did I just invent something? ka-ching!!!!) Blah. The most over-rated song on the most over-rated Ramones album. Yet everyone LOVES it, and it was a centerpiece to the Rock 'n Roll High School concert footage. Not even the best song OF IT'S OWN NAME!!!!:

She's the One - Bruce Springsteen/The Ramones.
Bruce. Never been in love with the Ramones slice; everyone else always saw it as the big "Ramonesey" single on Road to Ruin, but I always thought of it as a "How to Write a Ramones Song 101." Blown away on the same side by "It's a Long Way Back" and "Questioningly." The Boss's cut features Bo Diddley stomp and Spector Wall of Sound. Think it has the word vanilla in it, too.

Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment - slightly ham-fisted song that everyone seems to know, but is a junior varsity version of their best "loony bin" song We're a Happy Family, which is FIVE TIMES as melodic and 100x funnier. I would also use this slot to throw in the absurdly stupid, worthless Pinhead. Christ, by the end of the song, singing the chorus, the Ramones sound like you never thought they would: tired.

Psycho Therapy - as I said before - why the FUCK was this the "single" from Subterranean Jungle? Played at every fucking show since it's release, in lieu of much better tracks form the same album. Only great part is the final half of the last verse, the phrasing of "I'm a kid in the nuthouse, I'm a kid in the psycho zone..." etc; shoulda picked up on that part and re-written the song. Another fucking compilation standard that isn't in the Top 10 of it's own album.

Chinese Rocks - song: okay. press for it: UNBELIEVABLE. It's a really good song, but has been COMPLETELY wrung dry of any life by the thousands of pages written about it to shock kids cause of the Johnny Thunders/Richard Hell connection. Oooooohhh, drugs! Wow!!!!  Please. What a joke. And to think that the song directly before it is Danny Says, an all-time Ramones Top 5, which NEVER gets any fucking cred but is as heart-crushingly lonely beautiful a song ever written, is a crime. (only reason Danny Says isn't on my "under-rated" list is cause everyone I know that TRULY loves the Ramones loves the song.) Danny Says is a "let me hear it while they lower me into the ground" song; Chinese Rocks, most assuredly, is not.

UNDERRATED
(to qualify for "under-rated", I felt I had to pick songs that  people had actually heard, but got passed over by either the fans or the Ramones themselves. NOT songs nobody ever heard of, a la Cant Say Anything Nice; also why I didn't include any Too Tough to Die/Subterranean Jungle stuff, but songs that were just as available as others, but for some reason remain in the dark, world-wise.)   

Oh Oh I Love Her So - I've never understood why this wasn't the biggest song in the world in 1977; it had it all: amazing song, sing-along chorus, perfect backups, even a fucking mention of Burger King. A fucking PERFECT song. But always overshadowed on Leave Home by Commando, and Pinhead, and fucking Shock Treatment. Come the fuck on. If God was to create a perfect pop song, this would be in the running (even the simple extra chorus at the end, and the last lick (hard days nightish?) add to it.) This song should be WAY bigger than Beat on the Brat, or Chinese Rocks, or what the fuck ever. Perfect song.

All's Quiet on the Eastern Front - the best parts of the Ramones: super smooth, more roll than rock, and fucking back and forth singing. Why the fuck they didn't play this every show for 15 years with Joey and Dee Dee trading lines, I'll never know. Added bonus for, as I said in MY MAGNET post, being put between We Want the Airwaves and The KKK Took My Baby Away, the 2 biggest songs from that era, yet being a better song. Shoulda been a hit.

Today Your Love, Tomorrow the World - this is a song so good you don't mind another song being stuck onto the beginning of it; when that fucking bass curls around the guitar after the beginning you fucking feel like a fucking sleigh going down a goddam hill at 200mph and wouldn't mind if that's how you spent your final moments in this life. Plowing though fucking walls, all for the big build-up at the end. Brilliant. What more can you say? Side note: I believe in my "last will and testament" for my senior year yearbook, I wrote to my high school girlfriend "TODAY YOUR LOVE, TOMORROW THE WORLD." Here we are 20 years later, and me with neither. Of course.

It's a Long Way Back - if you wanna make me cry, play this. Period. In the history of rock 'n roll, I can think of no song that does more with fewer words (other than Telstar, but that has NO words, so.) Ironically, the song is SO Dee Dee, but Joey's fucking voice MAKES the song - no one else has ever been born for the sole purpose of squeezing out every moment of a song like he was for this. Unreal. The most under-rated song on the most over-rated album.

This Ain't Havana - I've never heard anybody else mention this song. But I played it on EVERY single radio show I did when I was in collge; the fucking wall-of-sound smoothness is unrivaled, by another Ramones song and even further. That fucking ultra-smooth shuffle + ba-ba-banana + the breakdown parts (which are the same as the chorus to Chinese Rocks but a helluva lot better); THAT wasn't a fucking hit? Really? This song is so smooth it's on ball bearings; I've never heard one since so smooth...and it was just a throwaway, nobody-will-notice song on End of the Century. Unreal. And the drumming on the outro-chorus, camon. Beyond inspired.

Sniffin' Palin

June 2009:
Sarah Palin called David Letterman “pathetic” Tuesday after the CBS “Late Show” host said the Alaska Republican governor sports a “slutty flight attendant look.”

“What a commentary there,” Palin said of the comment during an interview on conservative host John Ziegler’s Los Angeles-based radio show. “That’s pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman.”

Palin grouped Letterman in with media outlets “where everything is commentary and facts don’t matter anymore.” 

Odds of Palin appearing on Letterman's show to pimp out some book somebody else wrote her book:
100%

N.F.L. Study Finds Link to Dementia

 a lá HERE:

 A study commissioned by the National Football League reports that Alzheimer’s disease or similar memory-related diseases appear to have been diagnosed in the league’s former players vastly more often than in the national population — including a rate of 19 times the normal rate for men ages 30 through 49. The N.F.L. has long denied the existence of reliable data about cognitive decline among its players. These numbers would become the league’s first public affirmation of any connection, though the league pointed to limitations of this study.

I don't wanna kick dirt in a grave, but I hope Gene Upshaw is burning in hell.

In 2006, he alienated many retired players after comments he made in response to 325 former AFL and NFL players receiving minimal retirement benefits. When the former players attempted to have the league and the Association consider their plight, Upshaw responded: "I don't work for them. They are not union members and they have no vote."

Chuck Grassley and Max Baucus

It occurs to me that we seem to have left our national healthcare in the hands of two people who are 76 and 68 years old. Seems odd that the two guys in charge of our collective physical well-being are, according to any life expectancy chart, very close to dying. I'm sorry, but in any phase of life are men this old so closely associated with "health," other than when we're mildly surprised someone that old IS that healthy, and we also say "hey, good for him!" Surprised he can make it up a flight of steps. I doubt you'd trust anyone that old with a sack of your own money, right? I doubt you'd leave your kids with them for a coupla hours. And yet, like Supreme Court Justices, we don't seem to find trusting our lives to people who think of Babe Ruth as a pitcher as being rather odd.

I wonder if politicians should have maximum age limits? I mean, I don't think it's insulting to say that someone who WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO OLD TO BE ON THE FUCKING HICKORY HUSKERS' 1954 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM!!!! might not really be in touch with what much, much younger (as well as FUTURE) generations really want and need. Hey, three years ago I officially gave up understanding youth culture HERE:

Another thing I came to terms with last night is I’m old, and I just don’t get it. I’m watching segment after segment of “hip-hop” performances where there’s 20 people on the stage stomping and swaying, led by some guy with a mic who is alternating between barely breathing some words into the mic and pointing into the crowd. In years past I’d be screaming at the screen “what is this shit?!?!? It’s the same fucking beats as the last song, there’s no words, there’s no melody whatthefuck is this fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????” Last night I just shrug. Hey, maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe there’s something going on in the singing I don’t even hear, maybe they’re moving in a way I don’t understand, maybe I’m just don’t get it. Obviously somebody’s getting it, they’re on tv.

These people should be admired and respected for their public service.  But if they don't keep you in Menudo after age 16, I don't know why we can't ease these people out of outrageously-important decision-making positions at an age before they qualify for the fucking Denny's 3:30 blue-plate grand slam (stool softener a lá carté.)

I See Woody Allen is Looking to Start Double-Dating Again. Sexy.

If You Follow Baseball Every Day, You Will Go Fucking Crazy UPDATE

After my whining earlier, the Yankees just won their 15th walk-off and 50th come from behind win of the year thanks to an infield carom/hit by a guy who had 1 career rbi in the major leagues. Incredible.

Hey, Wait'll You See Mine, Baby.

If You Follow Baseball Every Day, You Will Go Fucking Crazy

Last night's Yankees "the regulars are still hung over from champagne" lineup against Kansas City:

Gardner CF
Cabrera LF
Cano 2B
Posada DH
Hinske 3B
Duncan RF
Miranda 1B
Cervelli C
Pena SS

Result: easy, breezy 8-2 win, complete with dugout hijinks ("Joe Girardi was smiling after the game as he recounted the first career home run for Ramiro Pena. The veterans in the dugout gave him the silent treatment at first before surrounding the rookie and slapping him on the back. The kid was awarded the championship belt afterward.")

Tonight's lineup:

Jeter SS
Damon LF
Teixeira 1B
Rodriguez 3B
Matsui DH
Swisher RF
Gardner CF
Molina C
Pena 2B

Result: Losing 3-2 in the fucking 7th. For fuck's sake.

Pressure:

Putting a bag of popcorn in the microwave, hitting START, and then sprinting to the bathroom to piss, having to be back before that split-second difference between having a perfectly cooked batch, or a bag of fucking ashes. Christ. Life is hard enough, now this? I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS PEOPLE!!!

Chuck Grassley Seems Pretty Stupid. Why Again is He in Congress?

“What are we afraid of,” Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) asked, “that Americans would like a plan that pays for itself and provides a good service?”

There's nothing that Chuck Grassley says HERE that makes any sense to anyone whose head is attached to their body, or at least NOT stuck up their own ass. It's pretty amazing actually that a ranking member of the Senate Finance Committee would sputter out the exact same answer as would your typical tea-bagger; I'm assuming he started screaming about being armed next time after the video ran out.

For one, I'd like to know what "choices" someone who is uninsured would be giving up if they find themselves using a public plan. Well, let's see. If I fell and broke my leg right now, I'd have two choices: lie their and wait for rats to gnaw me to death, or go to the emergency room which gives me a bill I cannot pay, but will get passed along to you. Yeah. I'd be furious at the thought of giving up such great "choices."

TV

Yankees vs. Royals
The Office
National Parks doc
Ray Kroc doc
Coyote Ugly (for jerkin')
The Hills (for hatin')
The Universe: The Hunt for Ringed Planets
Anthony Bourdain (the hidden New York one)
Parallel Universe
Slap Shot (!)
The Anniversary Party (for jerkin' (sub-set: Jennifer Beals. sliiiiice.))
Boomerang

Sometimes there's absolutly nothing on, and you drive yourself crazy doing the flipflipfliopflipflipflip. But sometimes there's TOO MUCH on all at once, and you flipflipflipflip, brain pinging from left to right and spinning, worried about what to land on, what you're missing etc. Then when the run is over you realize you've seen nothing, learned less, and probably shoulda been reading the whole time anyways. Fucking hell.

Creepy Update

It's 2 minutes after my post below, and CNBC is now showing a bio doc on Ray Kroc. Fucking a. Seen this thing 10x, could watch it all day. It's a sign, Xmastime should run foreign policy!!!

A Semi-Modest Proposal

When it comes to Iran these days, the feeling seems to be the only choices are "bomb them back to the Stone Age" or "BE bombed back to the Stone Age."

Really? There's not another way? Wouldn't it be more AMERICAN to LET them build their own nuclear missiles, SHOW them how to build them...all after making them agree to make us their exclusive supplier of parts? I mean, doesn't that sound more like what we should be doing? Seriously, what are the REAL odds of them deciding to blow anybody off the planet, much less us - why not make some mad banjamins in the meantime? Heck, rent them out missile silo space, make 'em pay through the nose. Sell advertising on the fuckers, whatever. For fuck's sake. Where is my America?

In other words, I have a sneaking suspicion we should be following the Ray Kroc playbook throughout all this.

Over/Under

MAGNET  does The Ramones. Lets take a look:

The Five Most Overrated Ramones Songs

1) We’re A Happy Family - what? Overrated? This is a great, great song that completely defines both the sound and lyrics of Rocket to Russia. There's a reason they ended every show with this, no? How the fuck can this be overrated? "Daddy likes men!" Camon. Strike One.


2) Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue - I can live with this, as it's one of those "the first album was awesome, but some of the songs themselves were kinda whatevs." I mean, I'd put it in with Chainsaw or Havana Affair. And just like Havana Affair wasn't even their best song with "havana" in the title, this isn't even their best song with "now I wanna" in the title. So camon. These are songs that don't hurt the album, but not songs you'd notice otherwise. Though I'm curious re: how any of these three songs could be "overrated," since I've never really heard people "rating" them in any way.


3) Rock 'n Roll High School
4) I Wanna Be Sedated - I group these together cause they're overrated for the same reason - everybody's grandma has heard them. But the thing is, if either one came out today, they'd be amazing. I mean, Rn R HS is perfect - its got the teen thing going on, namedrops classes you hated, great chorus, and the Wall of Sound. A Ramones 101 slice. But we've all heard it from the womb, it's a little TOO "Ramones 101" (also why I never cared for She's the One.) All this is also true for I Wanna Be Sedated, the proverbial "I live on the moon and only know one Ramones song and it's Sedated" Ramones song. How many 14 year-old girls do you think have a $45 Ramones t-shirt and can only hum I Wanna Be Sedated, but has no idea what Carbona Not Glue sounds like? I know thats snobby, but it is what it is, and why I'm okay with both going under "overrated." (despite, as I said, if they came out today they'd be amazing.)


5) Pinhead - way overrated. There is nothing to remotely like about this idiotic song. The movie it's based on is 100x better.

The Five Most Underrated Ramones Songs

1) Listen to My Heart - I like this song, but I don't think it's great enough to be considered "underrated." I don't know anyone who doesn't like it, but I don't know anyone who has it their top 10 either. I'd put Locket Love in it's place, or pretty much half of Too Tough to Die. She Belongs to Me, for sure.


2) I Can't Make It On Time - Again, an okay song, but not great enough to be on an "underrated" list that doesn't include Do You Remember Rock 'n Roll Radio, which should've been bigger than White Christmas. Hell, This Ain't Havana from the same album is 100x better, and just as obscure!


3) All of Pleasant Dreams
4) All of Subterranean Jungle - YES, YES, YES!!!!! Both albums HORRENDOUSLY underrated - in particular SJ, which I have ranked ahead of their debut (but have never had the guts to put ahead of Leave Home and Rocket to Russia.) Song after song after song of bubblegum pop with a crunch, the wall of sound meeting some weird echo chamber meeting Buddah Records. Part of why this record gets the shaft is cause for some reason Psycho Therapy was the "single," so on every comp since they've just lazily stuck it on there, and it became the only song they played live after that tour from the album. Meanwhile, I have it as the 2nd worst song on the album (above only What'd Ya Do, the only stinker on it.) Not cause it sucks, but because the album is STACKED with what shoulda been fucking hits. An unbelievable, underrated album. Fucking finishes with a run of In the Park, Time Bomb and, what should be a HUGE song but never will be, Every Time I Eat Vegetable It Makes Me Think of You. I Need Your Love (a cover) should be blaring outta every fucking window on every fucking street. Camon. And Pleasant Dreams suffers cause 1) snobs like to complain about the sound of it  2) like Psycho Therapy, lazy motherfuckers just pick out The KKK Took My Baby Away or We Want the Airwaves when, while they're both great songs, ironically the best track on the album is All's Quiet on the Eastern Front, which is right between them in the track sequence!!!! There's TONS of great melody somehow buried in the album (You Sound Lie You're Sick, Sitting in My Room, You Didn't Mean Anything to Me), one funny, namecheck-themselves-like-only-they-can song that sounds like a Thanksgiving Day Parade (It's Not My place in the 9 to 5 World) and hell, a slow song whose lyrics I used to fill answer to a chemistry test in to - a fucking ballad which lists one of their own songs!  Camon. A GREAT album! Both albums way better and deeper than THE overrated Ramones album, Road to Ruin.


5) Questioningly - fuck. I'm outta breath. What do you want me to say? If you don't love this song, you're an idiot. It's incredible. Period.

Guess This Proves It: Bush Was a War Hero, Kicked Charlie's Sorry Ass

Drudge Nails It, As Usual: Thanks to Pres. Osama Off in Denmark, Urban Violence Has Been Invented in Chicago. Gold Medal for Being a Shitty President.

Magazine Idea

I think I'd like to start a rival magazine for InTouch. Anti-InTouch, actually. Covers would scream things like this:

BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE JUST FINE, NOT FIGHTING. SEEM HAPPY IN THEIR MARRIAGE.

TOM & KATIE ARE TWO EQUALS IN A SECURE, REAL MARRIAGE.

PLASTIC SURGERY? I DO NOT KNOW, DESPITE THESE WEIRDLY-ANGLED, UNFLATTERING PHOTOS. I WOULD NEED TO SEE MEDICAL RECORDS.

JENNIFER DID NOT SPEND LAST NIGHT CRYING, DRUNK-TEXTING BRAD.


IS LINDSAY ON THE EDGE? I HAVE NO IDEA, I DO NOT KNOW HER PERSONALLY.

Oh, Goody. The SI Jinx; the Robert Lincoln of Sports Mags. Just in Time for the Playoffs. Awesome.

Ray's Pizza

If you're in the NYC today, it looks like I'm not the only one celebrating RRTHUR's birfday. Slice!

Oh For Fuck's Sake; Which One is Which?

Aaron Sorkin: Racist?

One of these wounded soldiers wants to get back to the front to fight for America's freedom despite losing his legs; the other wants to lounge around in bed on the taxpayer's dime without going back to work. Gee. Which one do you suppose is white, and which one isn't? Hmmmmmm.....

Bartlet moves to the side to reveal that the solder has lost both legs below the knees.

WOUNDED PRIVATE: The new ones are state-of-the-art, Doc told me.
BARTLET: That's what I hear.
WOUNDED PRIVATE: They'll have me fitted, up and walking in no time.
BARTLET: Yes, son, you know the Army. They're not going to let you lay around on their dime.
WOUNDED PRIVATE: I want to go back, sir.

The private nods. Bartlet moves to another soldier who lifts his right hand up. Bartlet grasps it with both hands. With the cameras focused on C.J. and Toby, Bartlet moves OS to another soldier.

ANNABETH: And this is Lieutenant Martinez, Mr. President.
BARTLET: Lieutenant.
ANNABETH: Did I say your name right?
MARTINEZ: Yes, ma'am... (to Bartlet) but you don't have to remember it when you start talking redeployment, sir.

Barack Obama

1. First black president.
2. First president from Hawaii.
3. First president who could beat me one-on-one.
4. First president whose first name rhymes with "sock."
5. First president born in the 1960s.

and now...

...first president who is a MUSLIM !!!!  Fucking a, is there NOTHING this guy can't achieve?!!!??  Another barrier brought down. What's next, we find out he's a wookie? Boy, the plaudits keep piling up, don't they? Awesome!!!! Thank YOU, America!

I Had a Slight Diversion, But I'm Back I'm Back I'm Back I'm Back

I Don't Wanna Die a Big Fat Fuck.

Strange Moments

Watching a woman from Germany doing Dwayne's signature "hey hey hey!" from What's Happening!! and getting exactly none of the inflections correct, but laughing her head off.

Not Brilliant

Mike Huckabee, Rep. Michele Bachmann, Rep. Steve King, Rep. Tom Price, Rep. Tom McClintock and Rep. Trent Franks have all spoken at the How to Take Back America Conference - an event for which I don't think it labels me a pinko-faggot liberal communist to point is fueled by what can only be described as "extremists."

Do these people WHO ARE in FUCKING CONGRESS, PLUS A GOP PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL, not think this won't become their own "Rev. Wright" moment? Do they not think that come election time there will be footage shown of them not only associating themselves with these people, but in fact leading the charge, actually giving speeches to these people? Really? Amazing. The very people that were so desperate to derail Obama by condemning his relationship with Rev. Wright have decided to BECOME Rev. Wright. Awesome.

Happy Birfday, Rrthur!! (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur...)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Guest Host: RRTHUR!!!!

I will be away until Monday -I know, little ones dry those tears...easy...well, I really think some of you aren't even crying...maybe you're not even trying...it’s as if you wont even miss me…wtf - ANYways, we have a guest host for the next three days...RRTHUR!!!

Rrthur is an old friend of Xmastime’s –let’s reminisce!!

1) Almost kissed at a Steve Wynn concert

2) Spent $21 at a Wendy’s in Queens

3) Stole 2 diet Cokes at Staples – zing! Fuck you, corporate America!!!

4) One time I was over at his house and he was defrosting the freezer. I’m watching the game, not paying attention, whatever. Then he says hey, come here for a second and I walk in and he’s pointing to the sink. I look, and there was some soft, melting chocolate ice cream sitting in the sink. As I’m looking at it, the waft of noxious Rrthur-gas hits my nostrils and all at once, two of my senses are taken over as my brain registers a fart smell with the sight of a pile of soft brown glop in the sink. I can still picture what he was wearing, as well as I can still fell the blood-curlding retching/dry-heaving my body went through. I find it hard to believe he will ever top this moment, and were it up to me this paragraph would go on his tombstone.

5) In case you missed the post a while back, he shit his pants in the 5th grade. I wasn’t there, but I love telling that story. Hell, I don’t even care if it’s true WHICH IT MOST DEFINITLY IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

6) rrthur's old band once played my fraternity in college. They played it super-cool and waited til 11:30 to start playing. Of course 5 minutes before midnite the place emptied so that people could go get more beer before the midnite cutoff, never to return. Divas. Then he stayed over in my girlfriend’s room, and in the morning used a complete stranger’s razor to shave his face and ended up getting some weird rash. I hate shaving anyways, I certainly don’t understand why he felt such an urgency to shave that appropriating a stranger’s razor was necessary. Maybe on a Sunday morning, after driving 400 miles and playing a rock show and staying up all night drinking he had a job interview? Hmm.

7) The first time I visited Rrthur after he moved to NYC, I get here as a freshly-scrubbed farmboy, never been in a city before, and as I’m walking in he says “Well, I’m gone for the weekend. Have fun! Oh, and the toilet’s broken.” Thanks asshole. I got back at him by not having sex with the over-the-top hot girl that I brought with me. Fuck you, corporate America!!!!!!!!!

8) Rrthur is the cousin of my first girlfriend in high school. I can’t say he had anything to do with our breaking up and my heart getting crushed to bits, but I also don’t think that summer when he decided to teach her how to French-kiss really helped me out either.

So enjoy our guest host, Rrthur! And in the meantime, I leave you with this:

PADDY MAC!! Looking terrified in the hands of Chester, Theodore's great-great grandpa who of course founded The American Bears of the Confederacy.

Insert Fork to Split Muffin

Hey, Good for Her! What Book Was It?

Damn.

In the Words of Myself as I Try to Sound Non-Plussed after My Next Girlfriend Tells Me How Many Dudes She's Fucked: "47? That's It?"

New Recurring Daily Post: "What Was Xmastime Thinking About 2 Years Ago Today?"

Friday, September 28, 2007

Ever See These Two Guys in the Same Room?

Hmm. Me Neither.

2009 Yankees

The Yankees have 100 wins with 6 games left. If they win, say, 4 of those games, they'd be tied for the 6th best record in the 106 years since they moved to the Bronx, and 2nd in the last 70.

Year     Record     Manager
1998     114-48     Joe Torre
1927     110-44     Miller Huggins
1961     109-53     Ralph Houk
1932     107-47     Joe McCarthy
1939     106-45     Joe McCarthy
1963     104-57     Ralph Houk
2009    104-58      Xmastime

Of course it prolly won't happen, as with everything sewn up already the theme for this week is "don't get anybody that matters hurt," not "win games."But, in the age of fans declaring armageddon every time we lose a game, I think it'd be nice to list such an impressive thing as an accomplishment.


And yes, I know those older teams played fewer games. Relax, anonymous douchebags.

Jerking Off to Cartoon Bears. This Is What I've Come To

Anyone else remember that Super Sugar Crisp song from it's commercial, back in the day. Sometimes I get it stuck in my head for hours, and just that bear's fucking "hey, I just smoked my weight in pot" voice will start cracking me up until I'm laughing out loud, like kids at a clown party, or anybody who has seen my Pamphlet Book of Lady Conquests. I found this clip, and am blown away by things I wouldn't have caught as a kid. For instance, the warning against man-made pollution, obviously a precursor to warnings about global warming. Always teaching, I guess. Like Smokey the Bear, now that I think of it. Why have bears always been way ahead of us when it comes to the environment? Cause the Pope wears a funny hat? Interesting.

But how bout that lil Honey Bear of his? Fucking christ, anybody else surprised she doesn't end the commercial by riding his face? Jesus. "Gimme some sugar," she purrs through lips with about an inch-thick smear of lipstick, while prancing around in a skirt that barely covers her surely sweet & tangy furry bear pussy (twats the 70's young bucks.) And gee, I wonder what her "reward" for Sugar Bear will be? Oooooh, probably some puffy, already-wrecked pussy lips and a bear rim job THAT's a mystery! AND the last thing she says is "vitamin treat." WHHHHHHHHAAT? I've got a vitamin treat for you - sprayed all over your back, you fucking bag of fuck-beartrash!!!!!!!

Luckily for her, Sugar Bear apparently doesn't own a pair of pants, so his bear dick is always ready for that sweet honey pot of hers.

I've never jerked off to a cartoon bear from a commercial. But I'll be honest, this is the closest I've come. Can't get enough of that Creamy Bear Pussy Super Sugar Crisp, indeed.

Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip Dip

Oddly for me, I am becoming a little anxious re: my having to look for a reason to fucking live career job. Get a Job, that monster hit by the Silhoettes, has been stuck in my head for days.

And now I find out that the last surviving member of the Silhouettes has died.

Great.

Born on a Wild Frontier

When I was a kid, in my mind you were either a Davy Crockett guy, or a Daniel Boone guy. I was a Crockett guy.

Come Sail Away

Has it really been 10 years ago since Freaks and Geeks? Wow. After each episode I'd run to the the land-line and call Op and we'd go over the show, laughing our heads off. So of course it got yanked after 18 episodes.

And while it was a Judd Apatow production, I stand proud that me favorite character was always the little Jewish kid ("the showbiz-obsessed dentist’s son Neal Schweiber, whose interests include Star Trek, slapstick comedy and ventriloquism"), whom as far as I know hasn't sold his soul to Apatow like some of the other cast members have.

Freaks and Geeks is The Pixies of television, isn't it? When it was on, so few people watched it that it got canceled. Ten years later, I don't know anybody who doesn't claim to love the show.

Does Somebody Wanna Tweet Him the Bad News?

"Yeah. In Six Games."

George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise. 
Jerry: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus. 
George: You think? 
Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)

later, with Elaine

Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good. 
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you. 
Elaine: What? What are you talking about? 
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid. 
Elaine: I don't understand. 
Jerry: Exactly.

 Yesterday the Yankees clinched, and right now one of the all-time great Seinfeld episodes is on, The Abstinence, which features George with Bernie Williams and a baby-faced Derek Jeter from 1996. Awesome.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Apparently Obama is in Denmark making the case for the 2016 Olympics to be in Chicago. Will be fascinating to see how the right-wing mudslingers turn this into yet another "apology tour on foreign soil" moment to be outraged about.

"He didn't even MENTION Michael Phelps! He hates white America!!!"

And of course the inevitable appearance on O'Reilly of a "body language expert," breaking down his movements, such as "you can tell he doesn't REALLY want the games in America, look at how his hands are hanging by his sides - that's not how sprinters run!" "So he's ashamed of the United States?" "Absolutely, Bill."

Looking forward to it.

Marriage

I think I should get married cause I'd have the greatest wedding vows of all time, surprising everybody with my bride and I doing the last four minutes of back-n-forth in Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Not a dry eye in the drive-thru chapel.

The Crazy Times of Mad Men

a la HERE:

Even as we gawk and gasp at the depravity and outrageousness that unfolds before us each week, we foreshadow the gawking and gasping our children will do when the 18th season of "Mad Men" depicts attachment parenting, Botox, life coaches, organic farms, reality TV, white wine spritzers, 3-car garages, spray tans and doggie day care.

"People actually got sick and went bankrupt because they didn't have publicly funded health care back then? How is that even possible?" they'll say.

We'll just nod knowingly, and tell them, "Yep. Those were brutal times, man. Brutal times."

National Parks

As somebody who's always mildly surprised whenever I see that Central Park still exists, I cannot watch the Ken Burns National Parks doc without thinking there's no way in HELL any of these parks would happen today.

Idle Thoughts

As tomorrow is GodIHateYourBand's birthday (yes ladies, THAT GodIHateYourBand), I will do his former band Idle's albums by the numbers:

DOWNER'S PHARMACY
Super Slices: Cathy Loves Elvis, Route 17, Paper Cut, Ethanol, Standing, Myself Alone
Slices: Render Me, Speed of Sound, World Behind Me
No: Traverse, Sweet Lie, Cathy Sings, Drunk Song


one of my favorite album covers of all time. coupla epics.

GRAVITY ROCKS
Super Slices: Life in Rock, Please Be Quiet Please, Feel, Rob Says Jazz, Time Bomb, June, The List, Harbor, Light
Slices: I'm a Wreck, Alona
No: Girls on Mass Ave, Revenge is Karma, Ubermensch


favorite. coulda been like a greatest hits album with a few edits. fizzles out near the end.

EGO PARK
Super Slices: Record Store Girl, Trouble Man
Slices: Ego Park, G Train, For Better, Free T-Shirt, Fallen Hero, Last Hurrah
No: Vodka Swing, Twisted, Automatic, My Car

least fave GIHYB album of all time. some cool sounds and guitar work, but weak song-wise. also made the stunning shitty decision to leave off their all-time best song, Concessions. crappy opener.

Happy Almost Birfday, GIHYB!!  :)

Hoop Screams

I was annoyed watching Charlie Rose the other day when LeBron James, talking of the documentary that was made of his high school team, kept speaking about the virtue of he and his friends all "working together towards their dream" re: winning a high school basketball national championship (which I did not even know existed.) 

What? Working towards a dream? Really? Being handed a 6-8 man-child with freakish talent is neither "working" nor some collective team goal, it's a fucking GIFT!!  I don't wanna understate these kids' play, or their hard work, but camon. Any high school team handed LeBron James is not exactly the Hickory Huskers, it's the 1996 Bulls times the 1986 Celtics. Please.

I thought of this just now as I was reading THIS, a great article about why Hoop Dreams still matters, and saw this:

Hoop Dreams, which chronicles five years in the lives of two high school basketball players from inner-city Chicago, resonated with audiences precisely because it wasn't about famous people. Unlike, say, Sebastian Telfair and Lance Stephenson, two New York City schoolboys who were the subject of recent documentaries, William Gates and Arthur Agee were not can't-miss prodigies. Gates eventually became a bit player at Marquette, while Agee played two years of junior college ball before suiting up for Arkansas State. Agee bounced around basketball's minor leagues for a few years after that, playing for teams eager to capitalize on his Hoop Dreams notoriety, but neither player ever sniffed the NBA.

No, these guys were just ordinary people, but the moments of trial and tribulation that were caught on film proved to be, well, extraordinary...The movie ends with Gates reflecting on all the friends and family who were so desperate to see him fulfill his hoop dreams, much more for their sakes than for his. "When somebody said, 'When you get to the NBA, don't forget about me,' I should have said, 'If I don't make it, don't forget about me.'" Neither Gates nor Agee ever made it to the NBA, but 15 years after they first brought reality to the big screen, these two ordinary people are as unforgettable as ever.

Hey, we all love LeBron. And I'm sure the movie has some heartwarming moments. But I'm supposed to give two shits about how great some high high school team LeBron played on was? Really? It's like Bob Gibson going 22-9 in 1968. All I can think of is, how'd he lose 9?

I Do Not Like It...

...when my high school football records get broken. Fucking prick.

Safire Speech

Via Gawker, looks like William Safire's dying has brought out a copy of a speech he wrote for Nixon had the Apollo 11 astronauts been stranded on the moon. Whack. And I don't know if I've ever heard the phrase "they WILL be mourned." Yeesh.