Brooklyn USA

Even though I'm glad I'm gone, a day doesn't go by I don't wish I was back in New York City...Brooklyn...Williamsburg...100 Metro, even.

I know those days are gone. And they're not coming back. But I'll always be thankful that I spent ages 25-39 in Williamsburg - it was the perfect time to live there. And rare is the man highly aware he's lived through a Golden Age.

Xmastime of things past:

There is a dried-out patch of dirt I'll be drawn back to before I die; a cluster of heat, frustration, and poverty. No matter how modern I make myself, I'll only ever be that boy in the dirt, fighting off gnats while pretending to be somebody: pretending, but never actually dreaming.

I'm already getting nostalgic about leaving because that's just how I am; I'm a real pussycat when it comes to that kinda shit. But since I'm leaving on my own terms, having gotten what I wanted, I can look back with no regrets. Well. Not NO regrets. But let's be honest - where I came from, if you told me that someday I'd eat a steak at Peter Luger's, play a set at CBGB's and bang an Asian softcore porn star in a vestibule next to the Turkey's Nest, I'd think you were making up stories about some superhero on Jupiter. So fuck it.

On Leaving Williamsburg in 2012

Like anybody I guess, I assumed New York City began the second I walked in, and would disappear the moment I left. Just now I walked by my freight elevator, where a kid in his early 20's wearing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt was excitedly loading in boxes from what looked like his parents' minivan. - XMASTIME

Sigh. It's not that I'm scared of dying as much as I'm annoyed everyone else will keep on living.

My Favorite Video d'Annee

Are You Shitting Me du Jour

Via Sully we see the best pics of space from the Hubble, including this fucker which shows 5,500 galaxies.

The photo is a sequel to the original "Hubble Ultra Deep Field," a picture the Hubble Space Telescope took in 2003 and 2004 that collected light over many hours to reveal thousands of distant galaxies in what was the deepest view of the universe so far. The XDF goes even farther, peering back 13.2 billion years into the universe's past. The universe is thought to be about 13.7 billion years old.

Fucking whack.

The most distant objects here are over 13 billion light years away, and we see them when they were only 500 million years old. In case your head is not asplodey from all this, I’ll note that the faintest objects in this picture are at 31st magnitude: the faintest star you can see with your naked eye is ten billion times brighter.

Brilliant Idea du Jour

The cast of Mad Men should remake The Apartment with the first season's office.

The Year in Sully

I just realized I got Sullied not once but THRICE in 2012!! 

Once

Twice

Three Times, an Xmas!!

Okay I guess it was only twice but don't worry, this STILL makes me better than you.

Gregory R. Wilson, of the Xmastime blog, has some fun:

July was the best traffic month for the Dish Xmastime since I finally bought a car September and October 2008, a quarter of the pageviews due to publishing  pretty much the exact same dumb shit as the month before  an email sent to me by an old friend.  8  3.5 million  no, not 8 million, 8  individual people  and Marley  logged onto this page  like it was their toilet  at some point, for a total of close to 11 million pageviews  whatever the hell those are. 20 percent of our traffic came from   squirrelsfisting.com  Facebook and  people who assume any site starting with “X” is porn  social media. Welcome to all the newbies  you know who you are…Tony; big thanks to the loyalty of long-time Dishheads  Xmastime fans, who still can’t be bothered to make me a Wikipedia page but whatevs, like I fucking care, h8rs gon’ h8 .

Xmastime career on Sully HERE.

2012 HIghlight that Got a Laugh from Andrew Sullivan (Email only, Cuz were BFF)

"I live in a van, down by the river!!!!"

 

2012 Highlight

2012 Highlight

Still can't believe I met Denny McLain on some random Monday night crappy minor league game in Richmond.

Last Book Read of 2012

Westerberg

It's a shame his first solo album was dullsville, as the first single off it kicked ass.

Birfday Superslice

New Years Resolutions

Lower my bench press. I mean, enough's enough already.

2012 Marley Memories

Is Facebook now a perpetual "soft opening" for your blog? I swear, you've tripled the posts of any other friend, and 80 percent of those are knee-slappers that would make Margaret Cho wince. And then, when I go to the blog for my daily dose of juvenalia and links to prior "predictions" I get a roundup of your FB bon mots and some frilly script. Dude, Sullivan gave you a shot at the big time and you soiled your drawers and retreated here, to Reno. I'm very disappointed.

A Round-up of My TUMBLR Ideas from 2012

You sir, do not rock.   (see Marley below)
French women who look like Paul Westerberg.
Fat girls who talk about nothing but their daily workouts at the gym. 
Pictures of dudes standing outside barbershops after someone's pulled the fire alarm midway through their haircut.
Pictures from around the world taken the day you were born. 
Single and Staying That Way (based on dudes' purchases at the checkout line of grocery stores.)

2012 Marley Memories

Jesus, How Much Can Marley NOT Rock in One Photo?

1) Acoustic guitar = not rocking
2) No drummer = not rocking
3) Playing with dude who's over 25 and isn't a movie star who's wearing sunglasses = not rocking
4) Wearing shorts = not rocking
5) Wearing shorts that are obviously Dockers = REALLY not rocking
6) Playing outside = not rocking
7) Playing during the day = not rocking
8) Playing with SUVs in sight = not rocking
9) Staring pensively at the ground along with your partner = not rocking
10) Playing with dude who has his shirt tucked in = not rocking
11) Playing with dude who has his polo knit shit tucked in = not rocking

It's official, Marley: YOU, sir, do not rock!!!

Another Cool Thing That Happened in 2012

I came up with the greatest all-girl band name of all time: The Honeytraps.

You're welcome, Earth.

Cool Thing That Happened in 2012

Hung out with Harry Gore from The Good Guys :) Thanks The Gnat!  :)

Xmastime 2012: NOw That Was Fucking Funny

For some reason there's almost nothing I find funnier than whenever someone is walking towards me with at least two dogs on leashes; as we're passing each other I solemnly nod my head at them and say "Fellas." I crack up for the next coupla blocks.

Xmastime 2012: Now That Was Fucking Funny III

For some reason there's almost nothing I find funnier than whenever someone is walking towards me with at least two dogs on leashes; as we're passing each other I solemnly nod my head at them and say "Fellas." I crack up for the next coupla blocks.

Xmastime 2012: Now This Was Fucking Funny, II

Oh, Come the Fuck On Already
JUST ONCE can't some deranged killer be referred to as "a loudmouth asshole who couldn't keep his nose out of everybody's fucking business"?

Xmastime 2012: Now This Was Fucking Funny

Then Quit Holding Hands Like a Coupla Fags.

Here They Are

Each of my last posts from 2005-2010. You're welcome.

2011's was THIS.

Again, you're quite welcome.

More Boycotting

As per my post below, here's another one that wasn't included with the link:

I'm officially begging Hollyowood to boycott the "oh look, they're SO close, they all know each other SO well that each guy not only knows what the other is gonna do even if he says he's not, but both the liar and the lied-to knows the liar is lying, but does it anyway, which the lied-to knows" scene.

Par exampla:

Tom, Dick and Harry at diner, Harry gets up to leave

Harry: alright, Im outta here. Goin home.
Tom: don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I'm not!
Tom: don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I'm not!
Tom: I'm telling you, don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I told you, I'm not!
Tom: don't do it! (Harry out the door. Tom and Dick stare off into space at Harry. Looooong pause.)
Dick: He's going to Jane's.
Tom: Yee-up (swig of java)

END SCENE

ps - an even worse ending is the cluck/repeat line/shake head/java, a la:

Dick: He's going to Jane's.
Tom: (just as Dick gets last word outta mouth) HE'S going to Jane's (swig of java)

Ugh.

Well. Here we are 10 years later - the country is in absolute ruins with no leadership in sight while we are pummeled by sitcoms that alternate between "goofball, idiot husband who keeps forgetting his beautiful, successful wife's birthday but darn it, she loves the big lug anyway!!" and "group of great looking, neurotic friends who sit around and despair about all the sex they're having" while movie studios refuse to release a movie unless it's a sequel, a prequel, a re-make, or an update of a cartoon, comic strip or tv show. - an XMASTIME classic from 2006
Vanity Fair has 8 COMEDY TROPES THAT MUST DIE, such as of course:

SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW IT
She’s also a hooker with a Ph.D. And she just remembered her biological clock is ticking.

Ugh. All 8 drive me fucking crazy; I've prolly already bitched about most of them on Xmastime. To enjoy all my many, MANY moratoriums on things, click HERE. 

J'accuse!

Should you claim to have read a book a day if it included listening to audiobooks?  Hmm. (AND comic books.)

Where the FUCK are those Mayans When We Need Them?

ALSO Happy Birfday Today

Stick with your heart and you'll be fine. - Paul Westerberg

Today's Xmastime Posts are Dedicated to Kdawggy

Cool Things I Did in My 30s, Part V

Came up with my "Greatness is calling...will you accept the charges?" riff for a softball pre-game pep talk...back in the day, I guess, that collect calls actually existed.

This post dedicated to Kdawggy, ie the only person who ever thought that bit was funny.

HAPPY BIRFDAY...

....KDAWGGY!!  :)

Here's a reprint of last year's post, which I prolly also did the year before...yes, I'm too lazy to update the Super Bowl time frame, so whaddya gonna do - what am I, a doctor?
_______________________________________________________________
...KDAWGGY!  Last year's Super Bowl MVP, the first person to point out I have perfectly shaped lips, mother of Count Jackula, and yet another reason to hate Watty.  Grrr.  Watty! (shaking fists at the sky.)

Xmastime: So then I took Op's head, stuck it in the john and flushed!
Kdawggy:  Hahahahah!! You're even sexier in the 1920s!!!!!
Xmastime: Lemme ask you something, baby - is my Old-Fashioned gonna walk here by itself? 

Here she is trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(

 
Will has just told Kdawggy what year he graduated high school.

Sammy

Sometimes I worry that as great as Cheers was, I always kinda dismissed Sam, thinking of Coach/Norm/Cliff/Carla as the funny ones and Sam as the anchor around which they revolved.  The Jerry to their George/Elaine/Kramer, if you will.  But in watching reruns lately, I notice Sam has just as many great one-liners as any of them, so maybe I took him for granted, which makes me sad  :(  - XMASTIME

Sammy May Day Malone turns 65 today. TV's all-time coozehound, he could prolly still pull more wool than anyone else today.

The West Wing Marathon

Josh Lyman of course got shot along with the president at the end of Season 1, but even though I've seen every episode 70000 times, I'd never noticed in the The Crackpots and These Women episode he has a gun body target in his office. Creepy foreshadowing, peut-etre?

Instant Karma

As if John Lennon wasn't awesome enough already, via Sully we see he also helped change US immigration laws:

But key to Wildes' argument were documents he found proving the government had overlooked deportation cases. Wildes presented 1,800 files showing the government had quietly granted a form of deferred action. Wildes used the records in court on behalf of Lennon, the first time such an argument was made. They won the case in an appeals court in 1975.

"[John] asked me personally, 'Not everybody can afford lawyers like you. Can we publicize this so everybody eligible can try to get it?' And that's what I've been trying to do ever since," Wildes said. This idea helps form the foundation for the present day deferred action program.

Of course, thanks to his staying in the US he got shot, so. Sigh.

Where in the World is Jeff Lamp?

As many of you know I've been on a years-long search for Jeff Lamp on the internet, an online presence which curiously for a 2-time All-American doesn't seem to exist; so TA-DA!...here he is - at the 1:52 mark of this news clip about Ralph Sampson as a high school senior, standing around the hallway. Now see, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Bzz Bzz Bzz

The inventor of that electric football game we thought was incredible as kids, until it actually started and then nothing ever happened, died this year.

One of the commenters nails it:

Mourners all wound up crowded into one corner of the funeral home.

Personally, my superslice was of course All-Star Baseball.

Xmastime in Love du Jour

Lauren Burns. Llllllllllllllookitthemchompers!!!

The Best of Frasier Crane

Does anyone know where the word “shampoo” came from? According to the dictionary, it’s meaning is “Any of various liquid or cream preparations of soap or detergent used to wash the hair and scalp.” From this I would expect a soft, clean word. But when you break down “shampoo”, I see sham, which means trick, therein lending itself to “tricky”. And the second half of it is another word for “shit.” So basically the word means “tricky shit”, which is ironic cuz shampoo is the gold standard for simplicity: rinse, lather, repeat. Hmm.

McNuggetz

As you faithful readers already know, Xmastime is of the human race, ie subscribes to the fact that CHICKEN MCNUGGETS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!

Say hello to Robert Baker, the man who invented the chicken mcnugget and who hasn't gotten much love for it.

Baker never made any money from the billions of nuggets that have been sold over the past three decades. By the time he died in 2006, his connection to them had mostly been forgotten, and only a few obituaries noted it. Even at Cornell, he is best-known for a barbecue sauce that is a staple of firehouse fundraisers; every summer, his daughters run a much-loved barbecue stand at the New York State Fair where “Cornell chicken” is their most popular plate.

Xmastime TV Worlds Colliding

Sheldon: If I've learned anything from British television shows on PBS it's that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It's a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you're cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that's just beyond their soot stained fingertips.

Of course, it occurs to me that Sheldon and the Dowager would absolutely love each other.

Xmastime Regrets

I'm still miffed I went 38 years before finally seeing Some Like It Hot. Tony Curtis was a funny motherfucker.

What Took So Long?

Some new tv show coming on about bacon.

And if you can find something more mesmerizing than this, I'd sure like to see it.

Brooklyn USA

You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting - Lena Dunham's character in the mirror to herself on Girls

Great article HERE about what it's like to live in NYC:

I've never felt more important than when I lived in New York...Eventually my fellow New Yorkers started to feel more like teammates than neighbors. The tumult the City throws in your way daily engenders a sense of community the way getting its ass kicked on a rink might galvanize a hockey team. Stuff like complaining about real estate-the price of it, the rotten brokers, the changing neighborhoods-is like a secret handshake for New Yorkers, thrown out quickly to differentiate between those in the know from everyone else, who probably talk about reality television at dinner. Then there's the knowing nods from strangers on the street in times of extreme heat or cold, their meaning being "This shit again." 

My own blubbering about leaving NYC HERE.

Also, this struck me:

A lot of kids, me included, aspire from early on to live in New York because the crushing smallness of their birthplace pains them. They're the town faggot or the town dreamer and they stand in their backyards and look into miles of desolation and quiet, knowing with bitter certainty that nobody-at least nobody they think of as significant-cares about them. They feel trapped in a tiny town beneath a massive sky full of stars, and they know they'll be gone someday.

I've of course thought the same thing.

Also, he's slightly misguided that "In New York you can't even see the stars." As I've said before,

The only problem with living in New York City is that the only stars you ever see are on the ground.

Hmm....any more ways to make this article about me...

Godzilla

Along with the yin-and-yang of the old guard and the new guys and the gray hairs and the youth, there is a nice symmetry to Matsui winning the World Series MVP; it feels like he's standing for all the guys that came and went since 2000 without getting a ring. Some were good Yankees (Giambi, Moose) and some were douchebags (Johnson, Brown, Sheffield.) Matsui was always the best of them all, a great Yankee. - XMASTIME

Hideki Matsui has officially retired. He was the World Series MVP for my favorite team ever.

The Captain:

“I’ve said it numerous times over the years, but it’s worth repeating now.  I’ve had a lot of teammates over the years with the Yankees, but I will always consider Hideki one of my favorites.  The way he went about his business day in and day out was impressive.  Despite being shadowed by a large group of reporters, having the pressures of performing for his fans both in New York and Japan and becoming acclimated to the bright lights of New York City, he always remained focused and committed to his job and to those of us he shared the clubhouse with.  I have a lot of respect for Hideki.  He was someone we counted on a great deal and he’s a big reason why we became World Champions in 2009.”

He was a great Yankee. If you can find someone who has something bad to say about Godzilla, I'll kiss you on the dick. 

I have never cried in an office. I cannot imagine a setting in which I would even come close. But I will say that the closest I've ever come is watching the Yankees' impromptu swarming of Matsui when he was just announced on the field and given his World Series ring. Awesome. - XMASTIME

Jolene

I can't remember the last time anyone talked about Miley Cyrus without it being about her hair or titties or eating a dick cake on her boyfriend's birthday, so it's actually refreshing to see this pop up, her nailing the fuck out of (heh heh heh) Jolene during her Backyard Sessions (heh heh heh.)

Side note: Is Cyrus/Parton the goddaughter/godmother combo I'd most want to bang the hell out of? Hmm.

Days of Python

Previous thoughts on Monty Python, as I'e been re-watching their anthology over and over:

Life of Brian is great, and The Holy Grail is a super-slice I could watch on a loop. And I've loved the doc IFC has been running all week of them talking about how it all happened, but I can't say I've ever been a fan of their tv show.

HOWEVER.

Following the success of Holy Grail, reporters asked for the title of the next Python film, despite the fact that the team had not even begun to consider a third one. Eventually, Idle once flippantly replied "Jesus Christ and His Lust for Glory", which became the group's stock answer once they realised that it shut reporters up.

No matter how great Life of Brian was, Eric Idle cracking "Jesus Christ and His Lust for Glory" has to be the single funniest thing ever said out loud. I mean, I couldn't have come up with that in 100 years, and Idle just tossed it off like that. Fucking incredible. I say that over and over, and it fucking kills me. What a line. I can't imagine anything that could be funnier. 

Mostly, this is an excuse to re-post what surely is not only the single greatest comedy scene based on Latin grammar, but may be the single funniest movie scene ever (I await Filmvetter's verdict, obvi.)

Grant's Tomb

Whenever I read a book I automatically assign the setting (at least the primary one) to one I already know; for some reason it’s almost always from my childhood. I have no idea why, or if this is how everybody does it. If I read the same book 20 years later, I immediately recapture that scenic setting, no matter what. I may forget the characters, I may have no memory of what the fuck happened; I may swear it was originally in Chinese - but I always have the exact setting in my head.

But apparently I’ve officially run out of places from my youth and am now using the same scenic backgrounds for different books, like theaters do for plays; or cartoons used to for background cells. Cause I read The Metamorphisis a few weeks ago, and now for “The Mark Halling Loves Soft Rock Music Reading Club” I’m reading Crime and Punishment and they both take place in the same room - my childhood neighbor Shelly’s bedroom. Wtf? - XMASTIME

I finally got Grant's autobiography for Xmas, and reading about his childhood I somehow amalgamated in my mind a setting mashup of how I pictured Desire Under the Elms and My Antonia.

Me, right? A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, packed like sausage into some slightly-too-tight Toughskin dungarees. Sigh.

Dogz

Sully points out some beagles being trained by hospitals to sniff out deadly shit:

Doctors spent two months training a two-year-old beagle named Cliff to learn to lie down or sit whenever he smelled the presence of Clostridium difficile, stubborn bacteria that cause severe, hard-to-treat diarrhea and sometimes life-threatening colitis. 

These remind me of the mine-sniffing dogs used in WWII with astounding accuracy.
And of course you-know-who was a pioneer in this field, 20 years ago:

When I was in college I had a basset hound named Joe Strummer.  He liked to do the same two things I did: sit on the couch watching tv, and list to the left while walking.  One time when he was a puppy, he took a dump so vicious it woke me up from a dead sleep.

One time I got a phone call from a friend excitedly telling me "turn on the radio!"  and found myself listening to the receptionist from the local hospital, who was talking about a basset hound who had walked into the hospital lobby, become transfixed by the elevator, and spent the next 15 minutes riding up and down, to the delight of all who watched.  Even at a young, dumb age I thought "is a hospital really the place for a dog to be walking around?"  Sure enough it was Strummer, who had gotten loose and was enjoying having the run of the place, all while the receptionist did play-by-play for the radio.

Then one weekend I was dumb enough to leave him under the care of my dipshit roommate while I was away, and he ran away.  I never saw him again;  almost 18 years later, whenever I see a basset hound I throw it a Jedi-mind trick, and mutter "Strummer, it's me!" under my breath, wondering if it's him and I've found him again.

Chick Lit

HERE"S A LIST of The 10 Most Powerful Female Book Characters. I really don't know why they left off Ma Joad; bitch kept a full family fed with piano wire and skillet grease while riding a tuna can across the goddam country. Oh well. A woman's work is never enough, I suppose.
-->

I could sense everyone was starting to get annoyed at Chuck’s barking and wanted to give me dirty looks, but this was one of those times when it actually paid to be a manny.  A mother would be expected to nonchalantly juggle four kids on her lap while knitting winter caps and handing out juice boxes, and if one of those kids so much as let out a peep everyone would get bitchy and roll their eyes, thinking “control your damn kids!”

But a man with a baby, hell, everyone was mildly surprised I’d been able to put pants on the kid before bringing him outside the house, much took him anywhere on the train.  I’d put on my harangued, beleaguered “oh my god I’m so helpless” face, and everyone gave me a pass.

“Poor bastard,” they thought, “look at him, doing his best.  God bless him.  And where the hell is the mother?”

I perfected my “woe is me” act the same way other guys practiced their air guitar moves: in front of the bathroom mirror.  When it came to putting on this little show, I was, simply put, the best.

How To Cut Pizza

via HERE.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. - Yogi Berra (of course)

Jennifer Risko

Speaking of Mrs. Xmastime, I stumbled upon this again. Still whack  :(

Another Mrs. Xmastime Bites the Dust

From The 2007 List:

6) KATE WINSLET - ah yes....my "Plus Size" Mrs. Xmastime. She has officially nabbed her generation's title of "Mrs. Xmastime That Xmastime Respects and Won't Cuss Around", a la Phylicia Rashad of years past. So before I slip up and say something about her going down on my Titanic I'll move along.

Aaaaaaaand now she's married to some dickhead who actually changed his last name to "Rocknroll." Douchebag. Trying a bit hard to be cool, aren't we? Why not just change it to "Fonzarelli" already?

You sir, most definitely do NOT rock!

Spanish Flu

Thanks to me (duh) you already know why the 1918 Spanish Flu has largely been ignored over the last century, and now we see that scientists are still baffled by the disease itself, presumably because they're fucking idiots:

There’s no single reason why the deadliest pandemic in modern history is still mysterious. Scientists have pinpointed the origins of recent influenza outbreaks like swine flu and bird flu with relative ease, arming the international health community with an arsenal of tests and vaccines to fight back. And a flu virus isn’t particularly complex; it’s just a stretch of RNA transmitted between animals, human and nonhuman, that has evolved to mutate quickly enough to outpace any long-term immunity.

There is one good thing about the flu: it clocked this bitch out.

Blog Like a Fucking Chump Today

I had no idea the iconic Notre Dame sign has only been around since Lou Holtz. How bout that.

Surprising Overheard Question from a Girl in the Office du Jour

"Do you think I'm strong enough to use a regular bow for hunting? I'm 110 pounds."

Hmm.

41

Bush demanding to face reality and go back on his "no new taxes" speech and his refusal to spike the football during the crumbling of the Berlin Wall means he would be crucified if he happened in today's GOP. - XMASTIME

I don't wanna be the bearer of depressing news, but I'd be surprised if George H.W. Bush makes it through the new year. As I quoted Evan Thomas a while back:

“One of the ironies of Bush is here is a fundamentally decent man who presided over a moment when politics got meaner and rougher.”

Then I went on in the post to say some brilliant things (duh), including his mismatched timing with history:

Like most people I would assume, I probably always thought that Bush 41 was always an inherently decent guy; the influx of this kind of politics during his rise to power is something I might chalk up to bad timing, would’ve happened with anyone etc. But, as Thomas points out, "Bush let it happen.”...And looking at Bush’s worldliness/WWII and CIA experience et al I see him fitting in more during his son’s tenure. A seasoned, calm, worldly veteran to guide us through stormy times.

Announcement

I will be accepted submissions re: The Best Xmastime Post of the Year from you people.Tho I doubt I ever topped this one:

There's nothing quite like trying to piss in a Chinatown bus bathroom to make one think "you know, maybe I really shoulda hit the books a little harder after all."

Say Goodbye

To dreamy Matthew after this season:

Looks like "Downton Abbey" may have to hunt down a new heir: A spokesperson for the hugely popular PBS series has confirmed to Deadline that star Dan Stevens (who plays Matthew Crawley) has not re-signed for the series' fourth season.

Since we pretty boys stick together, I wish him all the best.

Sinbad!

I know that as a hipster I'm supposed to only approve of Louis CK, but it's refreshing to find other people in my office who are big fans of Sinbad's two classic stand-up specials from the early 90s.

Eff McGwire

THIS GUY HERE makes the case that Mark McGwire doesn't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame even if you don't take his "possible" juicing into account:

Boil that all down via WAR and you get a case that’s less than definitive. Due to injuries, the 1994-1995 strike, and a retirement after his age 37 season, McGwire’s 16-year career featured just 10 seasons of at least 130 games played. Not surprisingly, his 58.7 career WAR is short of the Hall standard for first basemen by about three and a half wins. His peak score is much closer, 0.6 wins below the standard spread out over seven seasons — a run a year, a negligible amount given the assumptions built into such valuation systems (such as the choice for how many years to incorporate into a park factor). Given both, he falls short of the JAWS standard by 2.1 points and ranks 16th all-time among first basemen, with nine Hall of Famers above him and nine more below.

Of course, which rakish, devil-may-care bloggity-blogger made this case over 5 years ago? Hmm.

……even if God showed up and said that Mark McGwire did not 'roid up, there’s no way he gets my vote to go into the Hall of Fame. 1) no glove at all 2) ALL he did was hit homers. And when that’s the ONLY thing you do and that is under suspicion, sorry, but you’re out. At least Canseco could steal bases. My #1 reason I would never vote him in:

Career hits: 1,626 Career strikeouts: 1,596

Only 30 more hits than strikeouts for his career!???!? No way. So even if you remove the roids issue, he’s no HOFer in my book….and Mark, your crying, worthless jag in front of Congress did not help you….nor did making out with your son at home plate after you hit #62….

I also stand by this point, btw:

But it's also pretty clear that his "coming clean" is in part to clear the way for him becoming a hitting coach for the Cardinals this season. Now, part of being a "hitting" coach would, I assume, entail teaching other players how to "hit" the ball. So not only would I not want him in the Hall of Fame, but someone needs to explain to me why I'd want a lifetime .263 hitter who had only 30 fewer strikeouts than his 1,626 hits teaching me how to hit a baseball. I mean, what the fuck? Yes, if I want some juiced-up lumberjack who can cry on cue to teach me how to hit the ball outta the park and absolutely nothing else, he's my guy. Otherwise, you gotta be kidding me.

The Next Larry Bird!

Is Big Bear! Looks like someone's been listening to me!!!  ;)

Video Mukluks: Mamalizza

Xmastime Classic Revisited

Only Angels Have Wings Girl, and the Poets They Have All the Words

Interesting article HERE re: the bravery/cowardice/selfishness of hanging onto life when you're just an empty body soaking up your loved ones' inheritance.

And by "interesting", of course I mean "an excuse to post my own two cents on the subject":

I've mentioned many times that along with making sure my wife grieves properly after my unfortunate passing, everyone should also know that if I'm a vegetable or whatever in the hospital, there's no way in hell I'm okay with them pulling the plug on me.  I don't care if it goes on for decades and drains the finances of each and every one of my children (and my children's children), don't you dare let some asshole claim "Xmastime wouldn't wanna be a burden on us, he'd want us to pull the plug!", for you will know it's all in black & white here: keep me plugged in!

Well, You Gotta Be the Best at Something, Right?

After Almost 25 Years It's Official: Dylan wins.

Eric Monte

I'm watching the first season of What's Happening!!, each episode of which I saw 10,000 times as a kid, and it reminds me to ask how the hell did we let Eric Monte slip through the fucking cracks?

Creepytown, USA

Here's a list of the creepiest towns in America. Most are from the South, which is natural since creepers be creepin' there.

Also, feel free to claim this list to be invalid since it doesn't include Tupelo:

The thing about Tupelo is that it was the creepiest town in the state country world universe, based on the fact that you'd drive through the town and see about 10000 cars, and yet no people. Nobody on the streets. Nobody on the sidewalks. Nobody in the shops, nobody walking from the shops to the sidewalks to their cars waiting for them in the streets, nobody. A fucking weird place.

This idea wasbrought home by the one guy living there I DID meet, the manager of the other store whom I'd meet with to exchange shit or whatever for my boss. He was, and I say this as a compliment, a Beatles freak. I walked in and saw him for the first time, boom - Beatle boots, Beatles white tie/black tie with vest. Straight out of any photo you've seen from the recording of Please Please Me. We start talking, we both love the Beatles, he's in a Beatles cover band, he finds out I'm in a band (the you-wouldn't-even-believe-how-good-we-were-if-I-told-you,-even-tho-apparently-I-am-right-now,-I-guess The Happy Scene) and excitedly asks me to come "jam" with his band. I show a bit of interest and he gives me a tape (produced from his wig, in looking back on it) and I don't think anything of it until a few days later when I pop the tape in to listen. And I realize this isn't a Beatles cover band, it's a Break Down Every Note and Reproduce it Exactly Like it Is on The Album, Therein Making One Wonder Why Anyone Would Bother Band. Hmm.

The last time I talked to him, he asked me how many pairs of Beatle Boots he could order for me ("I like to keep at least four pairs handy, myself.")

Fucking Tupelo.

The Family Stone Update

Right on cue, I click to see this defense of the movie, in which this valid point is made:

But more precisely, it’s a holiday story about what happens when you get what you thought want, and find out that it isn’t really what you were looking for at all. 

But she follows is with:

And that’s probably why it’s not more popular. 

Um, no, sorry, that's not why it's not more popular. It's not more popular because within about 5 seconds, any casual viewer cannot stand this fucking family that is for some reason so full of itself - the manic self-congratulation over the fact that they didn't banish their son to the woods when they found out he's gay, for one example, is insufferable. And then on top of it they hafta make the guy deaf, which gives the family a chance to show off how matter-of-factly they toss off sign language, and then ON TOP OF THAT they make his boyfriend black so they can show off how cool they are with that as well. Of course. The whole family just flat-out sucks. Within about 5 seconds you're yelling at the screen to tell Carrie Bradshaw to tell them to go fuck themselves, and leave. It's Meet the Parents but everyone's the DeNiro character, without the charm or humor or even actual devotion to family - DeNiro was tough, but always in the name of watching over his family - other than to smugly pat themselves on the back for being so awesome, for reasons that remain off-screen.

As The Sopranos taught us - you can be horrible people, but if you're likable viewers will still watch. None of these people are likable.

Baseball Flicks Picks

On the radio this morning they were talking about the best baseball flicks of all time. My top 5 would be:

1. Bull Durham (the best non-porn mound scene on film)

2. 61* (you're Mickey Mantle, goddammit!)

3. A League of Their Own (the flick gives and gives)

4. Major League (thank you, Harry Doyle)
5. Bang the Drum Slowly (finally saw this about a year ago...no laff track on this one.)

Xmastime Xmas Movie Review

Now that I've had The Family Stone foisted upon me, I'm curious to see if it's even possible for Hollywood to top itself with a group of people even remotely as unlikeable as that family. I mean, for fuck's sake. Congratulations, you've made me hate Diane Keaton. Ugh.

Wilson Xmas 2012

Paddy Mac, 2026 Heisman Trophy Winner!

I'm just kidding, he's a terrible football player. Weighs 46 pounds and, if we're being honest, hasn't really shown the drive to be the single best college football player in the nation, so.

Dinner is served.

"Hi! Where might I go should I wish to shit my pants?"

"Which one of you motherfuckers took my Newports??!!"

Sistatime!'s first mimosa of the day. Hey, it's 10:30am somewhere, right?

"So there's no Santa Claus, AND I hafta wear a helmet around the house. Great."

Dessert is served.

"Are you Santa Claus? No? Then get the hell outta here. Don't be fucking up this year's haul, asshole."

10 Years Ago Yesterday Joe Stummer Died

“It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead.” 

On Reading

I love both non-fiction (see HERE for my top 5 non-fictions books of 2009, for instance) and fiction (see HERE for my top 5 fiction books of 2009, for instance), but in thinking about it right now I suspect the biggest difference is that while there's almost nothing about JFK or Ben Franklin or Jefferson that reminds me of myself, hardly a day goes by in which I'm not Pip or Marcel or Clyde Griffiths or Peter Leroy...Raskol, even.

Like Gofdather, Like Goddaughter!

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

If we shouldn't bother with any kind of gun control since "oh, crazy people are gonna find ways to kill anyway!!" then how come the first reason people give re: North Korea et al shouldn't have nukes is because they're "crazy"?

TITS UP

It feels like Newtown is finally the tragedy that might force the powers that be into legislating some actual gun control (hopefully, anyway.) Naturally, it takes the slaughtering of 20 or so little kids to finally get us to do anything about guns. Of course. Actually, it follows our domestic policy of TITS UP almost perfectly:

We never seem to do anything as a country these days until shit goes absolutely tits up. We're patting ourselves on the back for getting rid of Bush, but we are, as usual, about four years behind. And we STILL almost elected his successor, were it not for the financial crisis....which, what do you know, nobody bothered to do anything about until shit went tits up. TITS UP - this seems to be our modus operandi now; if you want any change at all, you hafta wait for complete disaster.

I Love This Slice

Money, That's What I Need

For years I've bitched about our insane thinking "well, X is rich, so if I vote for X then "I'LL be rich!", and this NY Times article explains it as being "the veil of opulence":

Those who don the veil of opulence may imagine themselves to be fantastically wealthy movie stars or extremely successful business entrepreneurs. They vote and set policies according to this fantasy.

The same veil also demands people assume all gains are evenly gotten, all fairly and on merit, which of course is bullshit and something I of course have lectured you poor people on many, many times. You're welcome, by the way.  - XMASTIME

The fiscal Cliff today, via Sully:

Even now, even after an election thumping, even in the face of huge majorities of the public, even facing another unnecessary fiscal crisis, even in the sobering atmosphere tragically created by Newtown, they are prepared to walk away from any sizable increase in the rates for the very rich.

I've been writing this since the birth of Xmastime. There is nothing that matters more to those who would be hurt the most than the coddling of the rich, and their desperate need to please the very people who wouldn't cross the street to piss on them. It is, after all, the American Way:

I'm tired of crying for the middle class when I have a suspicion that the very middle class we're supposed to cry for are the ones that handed the GOP unchecked power for the last coupla years - they've been the ones with JUST enough to lose that they can be swayed by "values" talk, all while dreaming that they too can all of a sudden hit the billionaire jackpot. They sit in their recliners watching Fox News and dreaming that "hey,  if I vote for these Bush/Cheney based on boys kissing I'll end up a gazzillionaire like Bush/Cheney, they're regular guys just like me, my people!" So fuck them. All part of this fascination we now have with the uber-rich: we love to talk about "hard working, good people that make up this great country", but then steamroll over them to spring up and applaud anytime some bazzillionaire strolls onto the tv screen. We think if we bark like seals loudly enough, they'll take us into their world. Also why we obsess about Paris and Lindsay. Enough! Rich people don't need our help, everyone else does.

We need to stop thinking that voting for rich people will make us rich. Period.

The Santa Quickness

Nerds HERE figure out how fast Santa would hafta go to deliver all them fucking toys:

Mr. Claus’s sleigh would need to travel at a whopping average speed of 5,083,000 mph. Silverberg argues that the feat is possible because the sleigh would have to travel 130 times more slowly than the speed of light, which is 300 million meters per second, or 669,600,000 mph. Because something already moves that quickly, it would be difficult, but not impossible, for Santa to travel at 5,083,000 mph.

Of course you're reminded of the great Family Guy scene:

Stewie: Alright that's the last of the blood, go check on the other kid.

Brian: What other kid?

Stewie: Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.

Brian: (runs upstairs) Stewie there's only one bedroom up here.

Stewie: What? Do you have a brother?

(The girl shakes her head no)

Stewie: Well then who the hell is Joh-? Oh my god we're in the wrong house.(Sound of sirens) Dammit we tripped the alarm Brian the cops are coming let's go!

Brian: What? We're just leaving, like this? What about not wanting to ruin  Christmas?
Stewie: It's already ruined - this was ONE house, and we've been here for an hour and a half!!! It's gonna be light in 6 hours and we hafta deliver toys to the whole rest of the world!! And there's two apartment buildings on this block alone!

 

I Guess This is Joe Strummer Day

Incredibly, with every year I seem to inch one song closer to finally getting a one-record version of Sandinista! Welcome, The Sound of the Sinners.

Track listing:
Hitsville UK
The Leader
Someone Got Murdered
Lose this Skin
Police on My Back
The Sound of the Sinners
Career Opportunities
Bankrobber (my artistic license, so suck it)
The Street Parade

Has Anyone Ever Been to This?

Apparently it's at
Kiosk 1 Joe Strummer Subway
Edgware Rd / Harrow Rd
London W2 1DX
07811 286503

Wherever the fuck that is.

In 1971, Timon became friends with John Graham Mellor, who would a few years later become known to the world as Joe Strummer.

In early spring of 1972, Timon and Mellor took to busking in the London Underground during the evenings. Together, the 22-year old Tymon and 20-year old Mellor also busked in London's Green Park tube station and around Europe. Throughout this period also, Tymon was an important influence on Mellor. He taught him to play chords on an old ukulele by using his right-hand to strum the chords instead of with his natural left-hand ability, this resulting in the unique strumming style later evidenced in The Clash's music.

 Tymon Dogg was in Strummer's band when he died. And of course he sang one of the greatest of all Clash superslices, Lose This Skin.

Same As It Ever Was

"You know, I realize as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world. And with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid. But we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?"