"Recipe" here.
And yes...I know it looks like a dick mitten. Well, that tells you bout the class of ladies I've been squiring, eh?
Friday, November 30, 2007
It's Finally Happened.
What the fuck took so long?
"Recipe" here.
And yes...I know it looks like a dick mitten. Well, that tells you bout the class of ladies I've been squiring, eh?
"Recipe" here.
And yes...I know it looks like a dick mitten. Well, that tells you bout the class of ladies I've been squiring, eh?
Universal Radiohead Care
Yesterday I read that people have paid an average of $8 to download Radiohead’s latest album. I’m not a fan, so I haven’t bothered to look up the name of it. You may have heard of this new business model wherein listeners could download the album for free and then “donate” whatever amount of money they wished. Basically a free record if you wanted it…and people so far have paid an average of $8 for it. $8! Strikes me for two reasons. Number one, we certainly love our front-runners, don’t we? I mean, Radiohead is one of the biggest bands on the planet; they could never make another dime and I’m fairly certain they’d still die loaded with dough. And yet people still have insisted on paying for the album. Which they could have for free. Legally. This fascinates me. If people really want something, they will happily pay for it.
Number two, for some reason it got me thinking…what would happen if you asked every American taxpayer to pay $8 for universal health care? I know it’s kind of a false analogy, but still. Here’s people forking over $8 to a coupla rich dudes for a FREE album, and you can picture how OUTRAGED people all over this country would be if asked to kick in $8 for universal health care. Yes, I know it’s the work of Satan and would turn us into French monkey-surrendering cheeseheads. There’s a connection between these two things I can’t exactly put my finger on. Fascinating to me. But, as Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur) says every time he walks in on me laughing out loud while watching The Fresh Prince, I’m an idiot, so…
"Radiohead? WAY too urban, brah!"
Number two, for some reason it got me thinking…what would happen if you asked every American taxpayer to pay $8 for universal health care? I know it’s kind of a false analogy, but still. Here’s people forking over $8 to a coupla rich dudes for a FREE album, and you can picture how OUTRAGED people all over this country would be if asked to kick in $8 for universal health care. Yes, I know it’s the work of Satan and would turn us into French monkey-surrendering cheeseheads. There’s a connection between these two things I can’t exactly put my finger on. Fascinating to me. But, as Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur) says every time he walks in on me laughing out loud while watching The Fresh Prince, I’m an idiot, so…
"Radiohead? WAY too urban, brah!"
Roommates
I once had a roommate who would be completely BAFFLED anytime I was cooking something in the oven. I could see him from my room – he’d come into the kitchen and would notice the oven was on. He’d scrunch up his face with a “huh?” and then open the oven door. To “investigate” I suppose. He’d look in and then close the door, practically scratching his head. Then he’d walk over to me. “Ummm…Xmas…are you cooking something in the oven?” I mean, how can you even answer that? Let’s see…if YOU didn’t put anything in the oven and turn it on, and there’s only one other person that lives there…wait, wait, dots aint connected yet…….
I should’ve said “You know what, now that you mention it, about 20 minutes ago I noticed a guy in a blue suit with a hat on walk in, place a 9 x 12 casserole dish in the oven and turn it to 375 degrees…I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but….” Fucking Christ. Or I shoulda completely flipped out. “WHAT??!?!!? What the – where the FUCK did these cookies come from?? This is BULLSHIT, man!!!!”
I should’ve said “You know what, now that you mention it, about 20 minutes ago I noticed a guy in a blue suit with a hat on walk in, place a 9 x 12 casserole dish in the oven and turn it to 375 degrees…I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but….” Fucking Christ. Or I shoulda completely flipped out. “WHAT??!?!!? What the – where the FUCK did these cookies come from?? This is BULLSHIT, man!!!!”
Fucking Christ
A note to up-and-coming "comedians" out there: MIGHT not be coming to your set if the best thing you can list in TimeOutNY is that you were on VH1's "Best Week Ever."
It's Come to This?
The problem with boxing, to me, is that while I can read or watch the individual stories of the boxers, I have absolutely no interest in actually watching the matches. Congratulations Boxing: you've officially become the Motley Crue of sports.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Last Night's Republican Debate
- First of all, using YouTube to ask questions lends itself to a certain level of silliness. And right off the bat, we got some chutterfuck "cracking us up" with some Mark Russell wanna-be song on guitar. christ. Hard to take the shit seriously after this; why not just show the "Chocolate Rain" video? Too close to the bone for the Red States' fear of Obama winning, a la "Chocolate Reign"? Racist right outta the gate! Here we go!!
- 8:10 Rudy spars with Mitt Romney, saying he'd crack down on illegals. He's insisting that while mayor, NYC was no sanctuary city - in fact, according to Rudy, it was these very thousands of illegals that helped him fight crime by reporting it to the police. He's bragging about this, so...why would he wanna keep them out, then? Doesn't that contradict itself? "Illegals helped me cut crime by 75% in NYC, so you're goddam right I'm gonna keep these mofos out!" Wtf? This would be like me explaining how I was so good at pleasing the ladies and then banning foot-long penises. Camon.
- 8:17 I'm sorry, when did illegal immigration become the only, single solitary thing that’s important on Earth? I guess it lends itself well to the GOP: hating foreigners and "kicking ass!"
- 8:18 Fred Thompson’s head = pale Play-Doh mushed onto the head of a big mouth bass
- 8:19 Ooooh, Fred gets the first zinger of the night on Rudy by implying that Rudy shouldn't judge candidate's hiring choices - Thompson also gets points for not actually saying Kerik's name, kinda like "The Contest" episode of Seinfeld when they didn't actually use the word "masturbation." I can't say if Thompson's the "Master of His Domain", but I think I can speak for us all that he's a fucking jerkoff.
- 8:22 I think Tracedo just set up a life sized cutout of himself and went for a sandwich. I’m not even kidding. I also have no idea if his name is in fact "Tracedo."
- 8:23 Camon, we can't get one riff on illegal immigration by using that dog from Taco Bell? Maybe a clip of an American who's pissed that his job was in fact taken by the Taco Bell chiuhuaha? Do these people have no sense of humor at all?
- 8:24 Now Trancedo is FURIOUS re: illegals taking our jobs. Wont happen on his watch!! You'd hafta peel the American hooker from his cold, dead hands before he sends out for Mexican!!! You know, why wont someone ask him why he's so steamed about Mexicans coming to take our jobs, but doesn't mind farming all our jobs out to China? When was the last time you saw anything that said "Made in USA" that didn't star Ron Jeremy? We cant make toys pumped full of lead here? I'd be upset right now if my fortune cookie hadn't just read "You be nice, Rucky Joe! Lucky Numbers 11 21 28 33 44 58"
- 8:25 It'll cost $800M for a border fence to fight off illegals? Really? Cant we just hire the NBA All-Star team and save about $700M?
- 8:26 Be cool if in a fit of stress Huckabee all of a sudden put those 100 lbs back on in front of everybody, a la The Nutty Professor, wouldn't it? Course, it'd be cool if I could grow titties on my legs and piss beer, but that ain't gonna happen either. Sigh. Life: a fickle mistress.
- 8:28 Huckabee just said that as president he'd propose a Veteran's Bill of Rights. Really? There's not already something of the sort? What's next, McCain proposing a reality show with seven strangers picked to live in a house - work together, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real?
- 8:30 Funny hearing Romney addressed as "Mitt." Tuff to take someone called "Mitt" seriously. Kinda one step up from "Cubby", isn't it? Let's face it, the only thing George Bush has going for him is his first name is presidential: George. Of course he had as much to do with that as he did his last name being synonymous with "pussy", so maybe names don't really matter at all. Though at this point I do think that it would behoove John Edwards to not correct people when they think he's the from beyond the grave psychic guy of the same name.
- 8:32 Can we get back to the "Will Rudy Explode Onstage Death Watch '07" please? It's been 8 minutes!!!
- 8:34 Ron Paul just got the biggest applause of the night so far. Maybe there's some hope after all.
- 8:36 McCain follows up with the first laugh of the night: a joke about bears involving DNA testing (criminal or paternity?). Whose idea was this from McCain's campaign - with Huckabee rising in the South and Romney placating the base, can McCain really risk losing the bear vote? Gutsy – let’s see how this plays out.
- 8:37 anytime he talks about anything outside of Transylvania when he was mayor, Rudy looks completely lost. Whoops, did I say Transylvania? Sorry, I meant a box in a crypt in a graveyard in a desolated hill on a mountainside in Transylvania. At night. With a dog howling in the distance. Goot evah-ning!
- 8:40 someone needs to do the fake snoring thing while Fred's talking. My greatest '05 riff, and would make someone a legend! Seriously, if all of a sudden from off-camera you hear another candidate pretend to start snoring he'd get my vote. Period. That moment would outlive anything you'd do as president, believe me.
- 8:41 Huckabee just said the first program he'd get rid of is the IRS. Rudy jumped in with "he's got my vote!!"
- 8:42 I love how these guys desperately want to get rid of government, but if it's gotta be there anyway they wanna be the leader of it. They don't want there to be a circle jerk, but if there is one they'd better be the ones to eat the bread. A curious people, indeed. It’s kinda like trying to get rid of the gays, but then getting yourself caught in a scandal involving male interns or airport bathrooms. But that’s science fiction, obviously.
- 8:42 wow, it took 42 minutes - a new record! – for McCain to tearfully invoke the troops, speaking of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with them as they BEGGED him to allow them to keep fighting the war. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight...and I'm firing off emails to Britney to remind her to put some drawers on. Camon. Lets see how long it is til Rudy checks in with 9/11.
- 8:43 who's the guy on the far right? Ain't said a word yet, leaning on a podium. The maitre d?
- 8:43 I cannot take a question seriously from a guy named "Grover."
- 8:44 Fred Thompson: "I only make pledges to the American people!" of course, wild applause from the audience. What the fuck does that even mean? Is somebody accusing him of whispering pledges to other countries? He's 109 years old and has a hot wife a third his age. Believe me, he's not cheating on anybody.
- 8:46 is Romney even real? Is he George Reeves?
- 8:49 Tancredo's homemade video. No applause. Wow. I haven't seen awkward silence like this since OJ and I did "Run for Your Life" at an open mic last year.
- 8:51 Maitre d guy just said that for Christmas we need to "buy American!" Really? Like what? And it’s my fault my Connie Chung blowup fuck doll is made in Korea? THE HEART KNOWS NO ATLAS, FRIEND!!!
- 8:52 Fred's video, amazingly even worse than Tancredo's. I'd say Thompson is a clueless nutbag, but that's an insult to my nutbag, which also is severely wrinkled and seems to be hanging around for no fucking reason.
- 8:55 i just realized Fred could play Frasier Crane in "Frasier: The Year 2200" with no makeup. Yeesh.
- 9:02 of course the first boos of the night come from the crowd because Rudy doesn’t believe every citizen should be awarded a personal gun arsenal at birth. They just asked everybody how many guns they each have – oh my god, Rudy just answered “Anderson, I have…ONE gun! TWO guns! THREE guns……”
- 9:03 is Fred Thompson alive? Jesus. A corpse. I’d ask Rudy to get a mirror to check if he’s breathing, but obviously his own kind of the undead don’t carry mirrors.
- 9:05 Finally a question from some black guys. Trancedo is furious they let a question from Obama in. Hmm.
- 9:08 Girl asking question's name is Journey? wtf?
- 9:08 "If abortion is outlawed, what should be the crime?" That’s a stupid “what if,” no? Why not ask “if rainbows are outlawed, what should we do to the leprechauns?”
- 9:10 Fred just declared that "abortion should be our #1 concern right now.” Really? Over war/healthcare/education etc? Interesting.
- 9:11 Right at this minute, Rudy should answer a fake cell call from...THE TERRORISTS!!! OH NO!!! If he pulled that off then he'd get my vote
- 9:13 Oh goody, our first “What Would Jesus Do?” question. Here we go. Ironically, about the death penalty...which, I must say, Jesus would be the only person in the room with first-hand experience, wouldn’t he? “I gotta be honest…it really, REALLY sucked. On the other hand, did I deserve it? I believe you’ve read all the notes on the case, let’s go around the room…”
- 9:16 Good one - dude just asked if they believe every word of the Bible
- 9:17 Rudy: yes but not every part. So...he can pick and choose. I guess he knows which parts God want him to know is true. Yet he didn’t know enough to not marry his own cousin. Interesting.
- 9:18 Mitt: “yes.”
- 9:19 - Huckabee "I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I’m not supposed to, it comes from Gods infinite wisdom" ummmmm...didn’t humans actually write the Bible? According to Huckabee you might as well stare at a piece of wood and try to see it as God’s word since you’re not supposed to understand it anyways. I’m dizzy.
- 9:24 A Muslim from ALABAMA with a question. Too late, troops – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE!!!
- 9:24 Rudy's first 9/11 mention. Good for him; his one hit. He should walk off now; wouldn’t his trying to answer another question be like Modern English not closing with “I Melt with You”?
- 9:27 McCain with the Thanksgiving dinner again. Must’ve been some meal.
- 9:29 how short is McCain? Jesus Christ, were these toy planes he was flying in Vietnam? No wonder they kept him for 7 fucking years, he made ‘em feel like Wilt Chamberlain.
- 9:30 McCain has spent the last 4 minutes outraged at torture and the Dems putting a time limit on Iraq. tryptophan wearing off? cranky!
- 9:33 "Buzz Brockway" You Tubing a question. Who the fuck is naming people these days? Was this motherfucker in Toy Story?
- 9:35 Ron Paul with the best bit if sense all night: “look at how we left Vietnam, and weve done more with them in the last 20 years than we ever did in war.”
- 9:35 ohoh, rational thinking has buzzed McCain back from sleep: "we never lost a battle in Vietnam, we lost because of the American public!!!” Which is greeted with…wild applause...the crowd is...applauding against itself? “BOY, do we fucking suck!!!!” Great. As a country, we’ve officially become Steve Sanders in the episode where he’s supposed to roast Brandon but spends the time announcing what a loser he is and that Brandon shouldn’t hang out with a shithead like himself. Nice.
- 9:42 Four minutes of babbling re: power they’d give their vp. Snooze.
- 9:43 Finally got the maitre d's name: Duncan Hunter. Congratulations; you’re the only dude onstage who’s not a corpse or scary looking and it took you 103 minutes to get a grey-haired gay dude’s attention. You must be AMAAAAAAAAAZING.
- 9:50 A retired gay Brigadier General in the audience is croaking that every day 2 people get discharged from military cause they’re gay. Unfortunate the number is 2 every day, isn’t it? Don’t it make you think they’re getting discharged together? “Alright guys, the helicopter will take you to your gingerbread house with pink icing where you can live out your days together.” Seems like they should make it 3, just for that. Maybe it’s me.
- 9:52 What the fuck are “log cabin Republicans”?
- 9:52 oooooh they’re gay Republicans...wtf, where'd they get "log cabin" from? I don’t picture gay dudes living out in the woods in log cabins roughing it, do you? Naw. Like me I’m sure you picture them having anal sex and then playing with whatever feces comes out….heeeeeeeeey, wait a second!!!!!!!!!
- 9:53 Huckabee says he's against they gays, but would accept their votes. Great. For some reason I equate this with a vegetarian refusing to eat meat, but accepting sex with an animal. Make sense? Maybe not. Getting late, maybe I’m just horny.
- 9:57 tell you what, Hillary must be laughing her ass off with all this free publicity. It’s like Satan flipping through the Bible and scanning for his name. “Thanks, idiots!”
- 9:58 dude just Youtubed the question “why don’t blacks vote Republican?”
- 9:59 Rudy "hey, i had a black friend...(lowering head)...killed on 9/11..."
10:01 Huckabee:"Hey, I wanna be part of a party that touches everyone from top to bottom" … is this appropriate for a Republican to say these days? Hmm.
10:02 I’m missing The Real World!! See ya!!!
- 8:10 Rudy spars with Mitt Romney, saying he'd crack down on illegals. He's insisting that while mayor, NYC was no sanctuary city - in fact, according to Rudy, it was these very thousands of illegals that helped him fight crime by reporting it to the police. He's bragging about this, so...why would he wanna keep them out, then? Doesn't that contradict itself? "Illegals helped me cut crime by 75% in NYC, so you're goddam right I'm gonna keep these mofos out!" Wtf? This would be like me explaining how I was so good at pleasing the ladies and then banning foot-long penises. Camon.
- 8:17 I'm sorry, when did illegal immigration become the only, single solitary thing that’s important on Earth? I guess it lends itself well to the GOP: hating foreigners and "kicking ass!"
- 8:18 Fred Thompson’s head = pale Play-Doh mushed onto the head of a big mouth bass
- 8:19 Ooooh, Fred gets the first zinger of the night on Rudy by implying that Rudy shouldn't judge candidate's hiring choices - Thompson also gets points for not actually saying Kerik's name, kinda like "The Contest" episode of Seinfeld when they didn't actually use the word "masturbation." I can't say if Thompson's the "Master of His Domain", but I think I can speak for us all that he's a fucking jerkoff.
- 8:22 I think Tracedo just set up a life sized cutout of himself and went for a sandwich. I’m not even kidding. I also have no idea if his name is in fact "Tracedo."
- 8:23 Camon, we can't get one riff on illegal immigration by using that dog from Taco Bell? Maybe a clip of an American who's pissed that his job was in fact taken by the Taco Bell chiuhuaha? Do these people have no sense of humor at all?
- 8:24 Now Trancedo is FURIOUS re: illegals taking our jobs. Wont happen on his watch!! You'd hafta peel the American hooker from his cold, dead hands before he sends out for Mexican!!! You know, why wont someone ask him why he's so steamed about Mexicans coming to take our jobs, but doesn't mind farming all our jobs out to China? When was the last time you saw anything that said "Made in USA" that didn't star Ron Jeremy? We cant make toys pumped full of lead here? I'd be upset right now if my fortune cookie hadn't just read "You be nice, Rucky Joe! Lucky Numbers 11 21 28 33 44 58"
- 8:25 It'll cost $800M for a border fence to fight off illegals? Really? Cant we just hire the NBA All-Star team and save about $700M?
- 8:26 Be cool if in a fit of stress Huckabee all of a sudden put those 100 lbs back on in front of everybody, a la The Nutty Professor, wouldn't it? Course, it'd be cool if I could grow titties on my legs and piss beer, but that ain't gonna happen either. Sigh. Life: a fickle mistress.
- 8:28 Huckabee just said that as president he'd propose a Veteran's Bill of Rights. Really? There's not already something of the sort? What's next, McCain proposing a reality show with seven strangers picked to live in a house - work together, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real?
- 8:30 Funny hearing Romney addressed as "Mitt." Tuff to take someone called "Mitt" seriously. Kinda one step up from "Cubby", isn't it? Let's face it, the only thing George Bush has going for him is his first name is presidential: George. Of course he had as much to do with that as he did his last name being synonymous with "pussy", so maybe names don't really matter at all. Though at this point I do think that it would behoove John Edwards to not correct people when they think he's the from beyond the grave psychic guy of the same name.
- 8:32 Can we get back to the "Will Rudy Explode Onstage Death Watch '07" please? It's been 8 minutes!!!
- 8:34 Ron Paul just got the biggest applause of the night so far. Maybe there's some hope after all.
- 8:36 McCain follows up with the first laugh of the night: a joke about bears involving DNA testing (criminal or paternity?). Whose idea was this from McCain's campaign - with Huckabee rising in the South and Romney placating the base, can McCain really risk losing the bear vote? Gutsy – let’s see how this plays out.
- 8:37 anytime he talks about anything outside of Transylvania when he was mayor, Rudy looks completely lost. Whoops, did I say Transylvania? Sorry, I meant a box in a crypt in a graveyard in a desolated hill on a mountainside in Transylvania. At night. With a dog howling in the distance. Goot evah-ning!
- 8:40 someone needs to do the fake snoring thing while Fred's talking. My greatest '05 riff, and would make someone a legend! Seriously, if all of a sudden from off-camera you hear another candidate pretend to start snoring he'd get my vote. Period. That moment would outlive anything you'd do as president, believe me.
- 8:41 Huckabee just said the first program he'd get rid of is the IRS. Rudy jumped in with "he's got my vote!!"
- 8:42 I love how these guys desperately want to get rid of government, but if it's gotta be there anyway they wanna be the leader of it. They don't want there to be a circle jerk, but if there is one they'd better be the ones to eat the bread. A curious people, indeed. It’s kinda like trying to get rid of the gays, but then getting yourself caught in a scandal involving male interns or airport bathrooms. But that’s science fiction, obviously.
- 8:42 wow, it took 42 minutes - a new record! – for McCain to tearfully invoke the troops, speaking of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with them as they BEGGED him to allow them to keep fighting the war. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight...and I'm firing off emails to Britney to remind her to put some drawers on. Camon. Lets see how long it is til Rudy checks in with 9/11.
- 8:43 who's the guy on the far right? Ain't said a word yet, leaning on a podium. The maitre d?
- 8:43 I cannot take a question seriously from a guy named "Grover."
- 8:44 Fred Thompson: "I only make pledges to the American people!" of course, wild applause from the audience. What the fuck does that even mean? Is somebody accusing him of whispering pledges to other countries? He's 109 years old and has a hot wife a third his age. Believe me, he's not cheating on anybody.
- 8:46 is Romney even real? Is he George Reeves?
- 8:49 Tancredo's homemade video. No applause. Wow. I haven't seen awkward silence like this since OJ and I did "Run for Your Life" at an open mic last year.
- 8:51 Maitre d guy just said that for Christmas we need to "buy American!" Really? Like what? And it’s my fault my Connie Chung blowup fuck doll is made in Korea? THE HEART KNOWS NO ATLAS, FRIEND!!!
- 8:52 Fred's video, amazingly even worse than Tancredo's. I'd say Thompson is a clueless nutbag, but that's an insult to my nutbag, which also is severely wrinkled and seems to be hanging around for no fucking reason.
- 8:55 i just realized Fred could play Frasier Crane in "Frasier: The Year 2200" with no makeup. Yeesh.
- 9:02 of course the first boos of the night come from the crowd because Rudy doesn’t believe every citizen should be awarded a personal gun arsenal at birth. They just asked everybody how many guns they each have – oh my god, Rudy just answered “Anderson, I have…ONE gun! TWO guns! THREE guns……”
- 9:03 is Fred Thompson alive? Jesus. A corpse. I’d ask Rudy to get a mirror to check if he’s breathing, but obviously his own kind of the undead don’t carry mirrors.
- 9:05 Finally a question from some black guys. Trancedo is furious they let a question from Obama in. Hmm.
- 9:08 Girl asking question's name is Journey? wtf?
- 9:08 "If abortion is outlawed, what should be the crime?" That’s a stupid “what if,” no? Why not ask “if rainbows are outlawed, what should we do to the leprechauns?”
- 9:10 Fred just declared that "abortion should be our #1 concern right now.” Really? Over war/healthcare/education etc? Interesting.
- 9:11 Right at this minute, Rudy should answer a fake cell call from...THE TERRORISTS!!! OH NO!!! If he pulled that off then he'd get my vote
- 9:13 Oh goody, our first “What Would Jesus Do?” question. Here we go. Ironically, about the death penalty...which, I must say, Jesus would be the only person in the room with first-hand experience, wouldn’t he? “I gotta be honest…it really, REALLY sucked. On the other hand, did I deserve it? I believe you’ve read all the notes on the case, let’s go around the room…”
- 9:16 Good one - dude just asked if they believe every word of the Bible
- 9:17 Rudy: yes but not every part. So...he can pick and choose. I guess he knows which parts God want him to know is true. Yet he didn’t know enough to not marry his own cousin. Interesting.
- 9:18 Mitt: “yes.”
- 9:19 - Huckabee "I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I’m not supposed to, it comes from Gods infinite wisdom" ummmmm...didn’t humans actually write the Bible? According to Huckabee you might as well stare at a piece of wood and try to see it as God’s word since you’re not supposed to understand it anyways. I’m dizzy.
- 9:24 A Muslim from ALABAMA with a question. Too late, troops – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE!!!
- 9:24 Rudy's first 9/11 mention. Good for him; his one hit. He should walk off now; wouldn’t his trying to answer another question be like Modern English not closing with “I Melt with You”?
- 9:27 McCain with the Thanksgiving dinner again. Must’ve been some meal.
- 9:29 how short is McCain? Jesus Christ, were these toy planes he was flying in Vietnam? No wonder they kept him for 7 fucking years, he made ‘em feel like Wilt Chamberlain.
- 9:30 McCain has spent the last 4 minutes outraged at torture and the Dems putting a time limit on Iraq. tryptophan wearing off? cranky!
- 9:33 "Buzz Brockway" You Tubing a question. Who the fuck is naming people these days? Was this motherfucker in Toy Story?
- 9:35 Ron Paul with the best bit if sense all night: “look at how we left Vietnam, and weve done more with them in the last 20 years than we ever did in war.”
- 9:35 ohoh, rational thinking has buzzed McCain back from sleep: "we never lost a battle in Vietnam, we lost because of the American public!!!” Which is greeted with…wild applause...the crowd is...applauding against itself? “BOY, do we fucking suck!!!!” Great. As a country, we’ve officially become Steve Sanders in the episode where he’s supposed to roast Brandon but spends the time announcing what a loser he is and that Brandon shouldn’t hang out with a shithead like himself. Nice.
- 9:42 Four minutes of babbling re: power they’d give their vp. Snooze.
- 9:43 Finally got the maitre d's name: Duncan Hunter. Congratulations; you’re the only dude onstage who’s not a corpse or scary looking and it took you 103 minutes to get a grey-haired gay dude’s attention. You must be AMAAAAAAAAAZING.
- 9:50 A retired gay Brigadier General in the audience is croaking that every day 2 people get discharged from military cause they’re gay. Unfortunate the number is 2 every day, isn’t it? Don’t it make you think they’re getting discharged together? “Alright guys, the helicopter will take you to your gingerbread house with pink icing where you can live out your days together.” Seems like they should make it 3, just for that. Maybe it’s me.
- 9:52 What the fuck are “log cabin Republicans”?
- 9:52 oooooh they’re gay Republicans...wtf, where'd they get "log cabin" from? I don’t picture gay dudes living out in the woods in log cabins roughing it, do you? Naw. Like me I’m sure you picture them having anal sex and then playing with whatever feces comes out….heeeeeeeeey, wait a second!!!!!!!!!
- 9:53 Huckabee says he's against they gays, but would accept their votes. Great. For some reason I equate this with a vegetarian refusing to eat meat, but accepting sex with an animal. Make sense? Maybe not. Getting late, maybe I’m just horny.
- 9:57 tell you what, Hillary must be laughing her ass off with all this free publicity. It’s like Satan flipping through the Bible and scanning for his name. “Thanks, idiots!”
- 9:58 dude just Youtubed the question “why don’t blacks vote Republican?”
- 9:59 Rudy "hey, i had a black friend...(lowering head)...killed on 9/11..."
10:01 Huckabee:"Hey, I wanna be part of a party that touches everyone from top to bottom" … is this appropriate for a Republican to say these days? Hmm.
10:02 I’m missing The Real World!! See ya!!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Burger #2
Hope you enjoyed yesterday's Stuffing Burger; today's burger is breakfast themed.
THE HASH BROWN BURGER (breakfast theme)
burger
4 hash browns from McDonald's
thick Texas toast
Cook burger to taste and toast GOOD-SIZED Texas toast - must be wide enough to span 2 hash browns. THE HASH BROWNS MUST BE FROM MCDONALDS!!!!!! There is no leniency on this - don't say to yourself oh, I can make better hash browns than Mickey D's...cause guess what? You can't. Perfect crispiness on the outside, inside melts in your mouth, perfectly held together. They can not be topped. Especially by you. Butter the Texas toast, lay down one piece with two hash browns on top. Now place burger on top of the hash browns, then the remaining 2 hash browns on top before closing with the other pice of toast. The perfect mix of beef, butter and amazing hash brown crunchiness will send your food errogenous zones into overdrive.
Note: for get-togethers, use one hash brown on each side and make sliders.
You're welcome!!!
THE HASH BROWN BURGER (breakfast theme)
burger
4 hash browns from McDonald's
thick Texas toast
Cook burger to taste and toast GOOD-SIZED Texas toast - must be wide enough to span 2 hash browns. THE HASH BROWNS MUST BE FROM MCDONALDS!!!!!! There is no leniency on this - don't say to yourself oh, I can make better hash browns than Mickey D's...cause guess what? You can't. Perfect crispiness on the outside, inside melts in your mouth, perfectly held together. They can not be topped. Especially by you. Butter the Texas toast, lay down one piece with two hash browns on top. Now place burger on top of the hash browns, then the remaining 2 hash browns on top before closing with the other pice of toast. The perfect mix of beef, butter and amazing hash brown crunchiness will send your food errogenous zones into overdrive.
Note: for get-togethers, use one hash brown on each side and make sliders.
You're welcome!!!
Butter Pecan Ice Cream
As I've mentioned several times throughout this blog, my Dad was a no-nonsense kinda guy. He never pretended his role was to be my "buddy" or "pal;" his job was to put bread on the table and scare the hell out of us. Although he very rarely administered the beatings himself, I'm fairly certain that the reason I wasn't a huge troublemaker as a kid was the prospect of going home to him and having him literally kill me and bury me piece by piece under the shed out back. Handel's "Messiah" quietly playing while he shaves the skin off my bones in his easy chair as my mother serves him a bowl of butter pecan ice cream. Like the Fonz he never lost his temper or hit anyone, but he had that old-school air of well, maybe that could all change at any moment. And these were the "old days", ie if another adult plowed over me with a car my dad would yell at me for getting in the way of the car while refusing to bring me to the hospital.
So it always cracks me up on sitcoms when the father is a funny, goofy gentle sort, always kidding around with the kids and being silly, and one of the kids does something to get himself in trouble and we gotta go through the motions of "Dad's gonna kill me!!!!!" Siblings laughing, "wait til Dad get's home, you're DEAD!!" Really? I haven't seen this dad be mean once in all the seasons, he's usually always trying to be funny. You're really scared of this person? And then when you see the father find out, and the kid is cringing, awaiting the father to kill him...and the father starts cracking jokes et al. Now me, even to this day, if I fuck up and the person who should be pissed starts laughing instead of yelling, I enjoy this much better and indeed try to add as many laughs as possible. But on these sitcoms, the kids are required to act chagrined they're getting laughed at, acting pissed/embarrassed. Instead of "thank god, I'm gonna live!!" they almost challenge the father to punish them. Whack.
The worst offender of this is my show of shows, "The Cosby Show." How many times did we hear "ooooooh, dad's gonna KILL you when he finds out!!!!" only to have Cliff stroll in, look serious, and then riff for 5 minutes at the kid's expense? Not once did my father do that; before being punished I was never treated to a few minutes of him warming up for his Catskills Tour. "...a D in geography, son? can you not locate your brain on a map?" (cue laugh track, bowl of butter pecan appears.)
So it always cracks me up on sitcoms when the father is a funny, goofy gentle sort, always kidding around with the kids and being silly, and one of the kids does something to get himself in trouble and we gotta go through the motions of "Dad's gonna kill me!!!!!" Siblings laughing, "wait til Dad get's home, you're DEAD!!" Really? I haven't seen this dad be mean once in all the seasons, he's usually always trying to be funny. You're really scared of this person? And then when you see the father find out, and the kid is cringing, awaiting the father to kill him...and the father starts cracking jokes et al. Now me, even to this day, if I fuck up and the person who should be pissed starts laughing instead of yelling, I enjoy this much better and indeed try to add as many laughs as possible. But on these sitcoms, the kids are required to act chagrined they're getting laughed at, acting pissed/embarrassed. Instead of "thank god, I'm gonna live!!" they almost challenge the father to punish them. Whack.
The worst offender of this is my show of shows, "The Cosby Show." How many times did we hear "ooooooh, dad's gonna KILL you when he finds out!!!!" only to have Cliff stroll in, look serious, and then riff for 5 minutes at the kid's expense? Not once did my father do that; before being punished I was never treated to a few minutes of him warming up for his Catskills Tour. "...a D in geography, son? can you not locate your brain on a map?" (cue laugh track, bowl of butter pecan appears.)
Stop Crying About Eli Manning Not Crying
These fucking idiots need to get off Eli's ass for not being emotional. Anyone who's ever actually played the game in a uniform knows that the only things you want your quarterback to be is cool, calm and unflappable. On AND off the field. These jackasses (and I'm including my boyfriend Mad Dog here) are screaming they want Eli flopping on the ground screaming and crying after every incompletion and standing on the Brooklyn Bridge ready to jump after every loss. Joe Montana was called "Joe Cool", not "Joe Constantly Screaming and Wetting His Pants." Get off it already. And there's about 20 other teams in the league who wouldn't mind having Eli and being 7-4 right now. Every other position player can play the game fueled on raw emotion and rage; the quarterback is the one who has to hold it together and run the show. Bruce can sing his guts out and run around doing knee slides cause he knows Max is back there holding down the anchor. So enough of the Eli's not emotional enough bullshit.
School Daze
When (if?) my little brother graduates from college in a few weeks, that will end a family streak of being in school at 31 years. In 1976 my brother went to his first day of kindergarten, and since then at least one of my siblings or me has been in school. Uninterrupted, 31 years! Man. Longer than my not seeing a white woman naked streak (so far.) I can't think of anyone I know with a longer such streak. From The Xmastime Family to you: Don't Be a Fool! Stay in School!
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
They Try to Make Me Go To Rehab, I Say YES! YES! YES!
I saw some preview on tv that now there's a reality show on celebrity rehab. Cameras follow around "celebrities" as they go through rehab to conquer their addictions...one of which seems to be, of course, being on camera. And I put the quotes around "celebrities" because the only name I even remotely recognized is Daniel Baldwin. Famous of course for being even less recognizable than his brother Stephen and getting caught drunk in a hotel lobby yelling one night. Heady stuff, yes. Who could possibly be into this - is there someone stupid enough to think we're gonna get a real celeb on the show one day? I'm sorry, but if you think you're gonna get any footage of Lindsey Lohan having her hair held back while she pukes into the toilet in rehab you'e out of luck...you'll hafta look at pictures of her doing that in the clubs on the pages of InTouchLife&StyleUSWeeklyNationalEnquirerTheNewYorkPostPrettyMuchAnyPieceofPaperOnSaleataNewstand like everybody else.
Watching F- celebrities in rehab? This is what it's come to? Are there really any more lines to cross? Are we really one step away from a reality show on celebrities' children's funerals? Celebrity suicides? I got it - cameras inside "celebrity" caskets: instead of making them think they're fat and giving them eating disorders, now we can watch them literally rot away in the box after they're gone. Sign me up!
Watching F- celebrities in rehab? This is what it's come to? Are there really any more lines to cross? Are we really one step away from a reality show on celebrities' children's funerals? Celebrity suicides? I got it - cameras inside "celebrity" caskets: instead of making them think they're fat and giving them eating disorders, now we can watch them literally rot away in the box after they're gone. Sign me up!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Xmastime on the Phone with His Sister
Those who know me know my standard adios: "peace and chicken grease." which got me in trouble last night as I was signing off with Sister Xmastime:
XMASTIME: “aight playa, later…peace and chicken grease.”
XMAS SISTER: “you mean turkey grease!”
“ah yes…tis the season. Peace and turkey grease.”
“poor turkey, though”
“huh?”
“I mean that we hafta kill them to eat them”
“…..”
“so sad”
“that they’re….dead before we eat them…?”
“poor turkeys!”
“yeah. Hmm”
“course, fuck them, I’m 30 and divorced.”
“with cancer.”
“that’s right!”
“so fuck the turkeys”
“well, I wouldn’t say that. It’s still sad.”
“so I hear.”
“peace and turkey grease!”
“peace and (Xmastime feigns going into a tunnel)”
XMASTIME: “aight playa, later…peace and chicken grease.”
XMAS SISTER: “you mean turkey grease!”
“ah yes…tis the season. Peace and turkey grease.”
“poor turkey, though”
“huh?”
“I mean that we hafta kill them to eat them”
“…..”
“so sad”
“that they’re….dead before we eat them…?”
“poor turkeys!”
“yeah. Hmm”
“course, fuck them, I’m 30 and divorced.”
“with cancer.”
“that’s right!”
“so fuck the turkeys”
“well, I wouldn’t say that. It’s still sad.”
“so I hear.”
“peace and turkey grease!”
“peace and (Xmastime feigns going into a tunnel)”
Now We've Jinxed It
Now see, THIS SHIT drives me bananas. While I’m obviously happy homicides are so far down, I don’t like it when we announce it in the press - makes me think any potential killers reading will take umbrage, see this as a challenge. Like we’re taunting them, rubbing their noses in how much they’ve underachieved this year. Especially when we put a time on it, "you guys have til 11:59pm on 12/31 to get your numbers up!" Which can only light a fire under them in my eyes. “They’re calling us out, let’s gets to killing some mofos!! Camon guys, we're better than this!” Can't we let sleeping dogs lie? You don't see any articles in the paper from women who are thrilled because the number of "Guts Gotten Up Into By Xmastime in 2007" has fallen, do you? Hell no. Well, that's a bad analogy cause it wouldn't be true, but you get the point. Lull the big bear to sleep for the gotdam winter.
Even More Ridiculous Every Year
I see that even after my rant here last year, they've managed to actually move "A Charlie Brown Christmas" up A FUCKING DAY EARLIER. Will these motherfuckers not be happy until we're watching this Christmas special 10 months early on Valentine's Day? God forbid I actually get a girlfriend sometime this century and on my one day of lovemaking have rimjob interruptus occur so we can catch the goddam show. What the fuck.
"I was just kidding, Linus. You're allowed to wash your thumb afterwards...christ, are you a faggot."
"I was just kidding, Linus. You're allowed to wash your thumb afterwards...christ, are you a faggot."
Burger #1
I promised you people some great new burgers last week, and here's the first one:
STOVE TOP BIG MACish
hamburger
Stove-Top stuffing w/sausage
thousand island dressing w/mayo mixed in
butter
bun
Simply grill the burger to taste. Remove to let rest for a few minutes. Heavily butter the top of bun, lay both halves down on grill to char/give butter crust. After removing, spread Thousand Island/mayo mixture on bottom bun, place burger on top. Place stuffing on top of burger, close with buttered top of bun. Enjoy!!!!!
STOVE TOP BIG MACish
hamburger
Stove-Top stuffing w/sausage
thousand island dressing w/mayo mixed in
butter
bun
Simply grill the burger to taste. Remove to let rest for a few minutes. Heavily butter the top of bun, lay both halves down on grill to char/give butter crust. After removing, spread Thousand Island/mayo mixture on bottom bun, place burger on top. Place stuffing on top of burger, close with buttered top of bun. Enjoy!!!!!
The Death of Sean Taylor
I’m not scared of dying. If I do something that pisses someone off and they shoot me, okay. I get a fatal disease, okay. But completely RANDOM death has always scared the hell outta me. Bird shits on windshield, dude swerves, knocks into bike messenger who plows over me. Someone shoots at someone else, bullet dislodges a brick that lands on my head as I’m walking by oblivious. That shit scares the fuck outta me. And now, with the shooting of Sean Taylor we see that someone as big and powerful as him can actually die from not just getting shot, but getting shot in the leg. Great. Something else to worry about. Not in the head or the chest but the leg (and yes, I understand it was the femoral artery.) I’m pretty shocked – yesterday when I heard of the shooting I was like well, he got it in the leg, he’ll be okay. Nope. Dead.
And, just like so many things that are in the news these days, once again this shows how a gun negates all else. I’ll prolly go the rest of my life without meeting anyone as strong and healthy as Sean Taylor. Not just a player in the NFL, but a player FEARED in the NFL. If I’m breaking into a house, the last dude I wanna see coming outta the bedroom is Sean Taylor. But if you have a gun, that’s that. Trumps all.
I assume this was a random break-in; I’m not gonna get into his life, the violence of his past et al. I don’t know any more than anyone else. But now his family is gonna spend the rest of their days agonizing over the randomness of it, and constantly say things like “if only he hadn’t been injured, he wouldn’t have been in Fla”, “if he hadn’t gotten picked by the Skins…” and on and on and on; the backwards connect-the-dots game that haunts after things like this.
What more can you say. Young man dead. Horrible.
And, just like so many things that are in the news these days, once again this shows how a gun negates all else. I’ll prolly go the rest of my life without meeting anyone as strong and healthy as Sean Taylor. Not just a player in the NFL, but a player FEARED in the NFL. If I’m breaking into a house, the last dude I wanna see coming outta the bedroom is Sean Taylor. But if you have a gun, that’s that. Trumps all.
I assume this was a random break-in; I’m not gonna get into his life, the violence of his past et al. I don’t know any more than anyone else. But now his family is gonna spend the rest of their days agonizing over the randomness of it, and constantly say things like “if only he hadn’t been injured, he wouldn’t have been in Fla”, “if he hadn’t gotten picked by the Skins…” and on and on and on; the backwards connect-the-dots game that haunts after things like this.
What more can you say. Young man dead. Horrible.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Two Great Questions
Over the last week I heard two questions asked:
Charlie Rose: where in the Constitution does it say America's role is to export democracy?
Andrew Sullivan: what Christian values are involved in judging the Constitution, one wonders? I had no idea that the Gospels actually had guidance on judicial philosophy.
Exporting Democracy, and "Christian values." Two things that seem to rule this country now, two things that are gonna be about 90% of what you're gonna hear over the next twelve months. Two things this current administration likes to blather on and on about while talking about "America." And neither of which have anything real to do with the Constitution or the very building of this country. Unless, of course, you're one of the people who have been fooled into voting for people because of their "values" who are popping their hammies sprinting to "export" your job to China. Very interesting to me.
Charlie Rose: where in the Constitution does it say America's role is to export democracy?
Andrew Sullivan: what Christian values are involved in judging the Constitution, one wonders? I had no idea that the Gospels actually had guidance on judicial philosophy.
Exporting Democracy, and "Christian values." Two things that seem to rule this country now, two things that are gonna be about 90% of what you're gonna hear over the next twelve months. Two things this current administration likes to blather on and on about while talking about "America." And neither of which have anything real to do with the Constitution or the very building of this country. Unless, of course, you're one of the people who have been fooled into voting for people because of their "values" who are popping their hammies sprinting to "export" your job to China. Very interesting to me.
Robert Johnson
One of my closest friends growing up through high school was named Robert Johnson. No, not the Delta bluesman that died in 1938...he was in RRTHUR's class HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) Haven't seen or heard from him in several years, but for some reason yesterday I found myself telling Op a story bout him pulling an Ollie in the last seconds of our high school basketball careers (pinning the ball against the bottom of the rim when he coulda scored his only ever career points.) Then last night I had one of those epic, drawn out night-long dreams that you actually remember when you wake up, and who was with me throughout the dream? My friend Robert Johnson. And just now I received an email from....Robert Johnson. Not him, a different one (that I've never met.) What the fuck. Now I'm creeped out. Am I gonna turn on the news and see that he has Nathalie Holloway and is making a suicide pact with her? I AM FREAKING OUT, PEOPLE!!!
Book Review
When I was a kid, I pretty much worshipped The Replacements, and Paul Westerberg in particular. I’d listen to the records over and over – I wanted to be them, I thought they were me, and they were my religion during those important years. Back then, there’s no way in hell I would’ve ever even dreamed that one day there would actually be a book about them – back then, you had to scour stupid rock magazines and hope for even a blurb of your heroes. Unlike now where there’s nobody that hasn’t at least heard of them, back then they sold like 3 records a week and were nowhere near the radio.
Pretty much every book about rock and roll bands suck, and "The Replacements: All Over but the Shouting" is no exception. You would think that anyone going out of their way to buy this book would already be at least a pretty big Replacements fan, so they’d already know that yes, they were an amazing band that always shot themselves in the foot and usually took a dive by shambling through an hour of drunken covers instead of playing a proper show. We know this. And any Replacements fan knows that there’s no “sort of fans”: kids like me lived our lives poised to throw ourselves in front of an oncoming bus in the name of “real” rock and roll according to Saint Paul. So we know the gushing already. So now we have a book, and 95% of it is 1) fans gushing and going about how much they meant to them and 2) story after story of “we went to the show, they were wasted, it was awesome!!!” We get it. Seems to me like the author could’ve boiled all that down to a small chapter; for once in a fucking rock n roll band book can we hear something about the songs themselves? How they were written and, as importantly, how they were recorded, please? I’d guess off the top of my head that each album has MAYBE a page worth of info/anecdotes, then it’s straight back to “Paul was a contrarian!! They were drunk!!” Lotta Hullaballoo about Tim being their major label debut, and then a single quote about the gotdam thing. Westerberg spends a sentence bitching about Tommy Ramone’s mix of the album. Really? Well, can you do a LITTLE bit of work and find out more about that? I would think that would be a big deal: band leader hates the mix of their big go-for-it album. Why did he? What’d he try to do about it? Etc etc. Nope. Back to Craig Finn of the Hold Steady, who should be shot for trying to out-gush himself with every quote. We get it, Craig. You loved the band. Here’s a fucking medal.
Anyways. Disappointing. But what did I expect? Same thing with that stupid book that came out about the Stones’ making Exile on Main Street. I started reading that the other day. Unreadable. Started skimming through it, looking for actual stuff about the making of the album. Nope. “Keith disappeared for three days and got high!! Mick was mad! Keith came back, then left! It was warm!” Over and over.
A coupla years ago I wrote an email to Peter Jesperson, the first manager of the Replacements and their discoverer (if that’s a word.) I forget what I wrote to him about. Prolly blathering/gushing, something gay prolly. He wrote back, obviously amused I had named my band after a Replacements song. So he writes me a nice email and then at the end includes a story about the song “Hayday” – that after the album Hootenanny had been completed, Paul came up with the song and made them reconstruct the mobile studio, going through all that trouble again, fighting with everybody to record it and finally recording the song. Then he officially declared the album finished. Not an amazing story, but an insider’s point of view and insight on the actual making of one of the records everyone professes to love. And if some complete stranger can get something like this, why wasn’t it, and hundreds of stories like it, in this book?
The only good purpose this book has served is for me to dust off the albums again and really listen. Which I rarely bother with anymore, since every note of every song has been embedded in brain for about twenty years, already attached to every bit of my skin. So that’s one good thing I reckon.
NEW POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT
I've decided I'm never walking out of my loft building again without doing the John Bender at the end of "The Breakfast Club" punching fist in the air move. Every exit, a triumph.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I Tried Again
3:15pm - confused my big green Brut can of shaving cream with my big green Brut can of deoderant.
3:16pm - briefly considered shaving my pits for the first time ever since the shaving cream was aleady there.
3:16:58pm - back to bed. fuck this shit.
3:16pm - briefly considered shaving my pits for the first time ever since the shaving cream was aleady there.
3:16:58pm - back to bed. fuck this shit.
I Tried
7:08am - rise outta bed. mosey.
7:11am - somehow knocked everything off my desk, broke 2 glasses.
7:11:16am - stepped onto broken glass.
7:14am - knocked over 2 liter bottle of Diet Dr. pepper that was, for some reason, on my floor. Bubbles up, sprays everywhere.
7:15am - back to bed. fuck this shit.
7:11am - somehow knocked everything off my desk, broke 2 glasses.
7:11:16am - stepped onto broken glass.
7:14am - knocked over 2 liter bottle of Diet Dr. pepper that was, for some reason, on my floor. Bubbles up, sprays everywhere.
7:15am - back to bed. fuck this shit.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
We're Talking about...Practice? PRACTICE??!!
Boy, if you’re Knicks hater like me these are the glory days, aren’t they? We’ve got it all: the most hated coach in the world, an unwatchable awful team, a nice sex scandal to keeps things popping during downtime, the star player screaming that he’s got shit to blackmail the coach on if he don’t start, and on and on and on. And they’re still prolly paying Allen Houston $45M/month.
But what cracks me up is the other day, when Isiah had enough! Wanted to teach them a lesson! And….kicked them outta practice. What? Oh, I’m sure there was an emotional meeting in the locker room “oh no guys, what are we gonna do!?!??! We gotta play our hearts out for Coach! I’m scared!!! Who let Neil Diamond in the locker room?!?!?!” I’m guessing it went more like “no practice? Cool. I’m gonna go buy an Porsche on the way to Flashdancers.” Fucking Christ. Our football coach tried that on us in high school, and we were like “really? Thanks!!” And then did what all enterprising, energetic young men did back then: sat around the Burger King for three hours. I think one of us ate a plastic flower. For us to be shocked! Right on! Go get em Zeke! about this is ridiculous. But man. I feel about Isiah like I do Guiliani: keep him in there as long as possible, the unintentional comedy is just too good.
"No practice! Go grab me a stack of singles!!"
But what cracks me up is the other day, when Isiah had enough! Wanted to teach them a lesson! And….kicked them outta practice. What? Oh, I’m sure there was an emotional meeting in the locker room “oh no guys, what are we gonna do!?!??! We gotta play our hearts out for Coach! I’m scared!!! Who let Neil Diamond in the locker room?!?!?!” I’m guessing it went more like “no practice? Cool. I’m gonna go buy an Porsche on the way to Flashdancers.” Fucking Christ. Our football coach tried that on us in high school, and we were like “really? Thanks!!” And then did what all enterprising, energetic young men did back then: sat around the Burger King for three hours. I think one of us ate a plastic flower. For us to be shocked! Right on! Go get em Zeke! about this is ridiculous. But man. I feel about Isiah like I do Guiliani: keep him in there as long as possible, the unintentional comedy is just too good.
"No practice! Go grab me a stack of singles!!"
My Pussy Hurts!!!
I’ve about had it with teams crying re: the Patriots running up the score on teams. This is the NFL. A league that has spent the last 20 years working ceaselessly to make sure there is as much parity as (annoyingly so) possible. Yeah, the Pats prolly have more talent than you. Maybe instead of turning your nose up at Randy Moss’ “attitude” you should’ve thought “you know what, we could use a game-breaking Hall of Famer on this team.” It’s the NFL – it’s not like the Patriots are playing Southwest Alaskan State Teaching College. So quit fucking whining. If I was Joe Gibbs I’d be furious at the Redskin who cried to Belichick about beating the shit outta them. Embarrassing. You’re in the NFL, and you want the other team to patronize you by playing with sock puppets instead of playing hard? And I’ll tell you another thing: this will, of course, come back to haunt Belichick. The time will come when the tables are turned. But when they do, you shut your fucking mouth and remember when you got YOUR ass handed to you. Shake his hand at the 50, move on. And if the next time the Skins play the Pats they squeak out a 20-17 win and I see that player hooting and hollering into the camera that they “beat the Pats’ asses” I’m gonna have a coronary. Which I probably will anyway, but still. Quit fucking whining. I don't just mean the Skins, I mean everyone. Enough. Figure out a way to beat them, whatever. But enough of the whining. These teams are starting to sound like a Cub Scout whose hat is being thrown around by the big kids on the bus. Wah. Wah. Wah.
Full House (in my pants)
Wow. Candace Cameron's on The View. Never thought I'd ever say this, but Candace Cameron is B A N G I N G! Baby fat is gone!! Wouldn't have recognized her if they hadn't announced her.
And now it's "You Thought I was a Dirty Old Man, but Now It's Sweet Vindication for Me!" time. From jump street, had a hunch Jodie Sweetin would end up as a Mrs. Xmastime. Saw sumpin in the teeth.
And now...GOTDAM!!! Uncle Jesse better turn up the tv so he don't here the bunk bed a-quakin!!!
And now it's "You Thought I was a Dirty Old Man, but Now It's Sweet Vindication for Me!" time. From jump street, had a hunch Jodie Sweetin would end up as a Mrs. Xmastime. Saw sumpin in the teeth.
And now...GOTDAM!!! Uncle Jesse better turn up the tv so he don't here the bunk bed a-quakin!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
$20 Billion Fucking Dollars
(Wired article via andrew Sullivan)
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2007/11/20-billion-in-n.html
Even if you are for the war and love Bush, I don't possibly see how you could read something like the article linked above (sorry, computer's whack youll hafta cut-n-paste this one) and not go ape-shit. Hell, ESPECIALLY if you are a "conservative" and this is where money that could be yours is going. $20B, and for all we know it's going right into the hands of Bin Laden. Why not? We don't know any different right now. Unreal. $20B. $20B to disappear into the hands of mysterious foreigners, yet we have no idea how to get our hands on money for healthcare. $20B thrown into a black hole, and we just don't have any idea where to get money to pay teachers. $20B given for all we know to an al-Queda flight simulator company, and gosh, we just can't figure out how to fix Social Security. $20B, and the only thing we know is it's not in American hands. Blackhawk and Halliburton must be slipping to let this wad slip through the cracks. What a load of bullshit. But, it's shit like this that we shrug our shoulders at as we pay $4 for a gallon of gas while desperately trying to figure out a way to elect Bush for a third time. $20B into the hands of god knows who, and I'm supposed to be worried about Mexicans coming across the border? Fuck, maybe one of them can figure out where all the fucking money has gone. But as usual, we'll save our outrage for $400 haircuts and implied sex in airport bathrooms. I guess "and the home of the brave" is SOOOOO 1999.
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2007/11/20-billion-in-n.html
Even if you are for the war and love Bush, I don't possibly see how you could read something like the article linked above (sorry, computer's whack youll hafta cut-n-paste this one) and not go ape-shit. Hell, ESPECIALLY if you are a "conservative" and this is where money that could be yours is going. $20B, and for all we know it's going right into the hands of Bin Laden. Why not? We don't know any different right now. Unreal. $20B. $20B to disappear into the hands of mysterious foreigners, yet we have no idea how to get our hands on money for healthcare. $20B thrown into a black hole, and we just don't have any idea where to get money to pay teachers. $20B given for all we know to an al-Queda flight simulator company, and gosh, we just can't figure out how to fix Social Security. $20B, and the only thing we know is it's not in American hands. Blackhawk and Halliburton must be slipping to let this wad slip through the cracks. What a load of bullshit. But, it's shit like this that we shrug our shoulders at as we pay $4 for a gallon of gas while desperately trying to figure out a way to elect Bush for a third time. $20B into the hands of god knows who, and I'm supposed to be worried about Mexicans coming across the border? Fuck, maybe one of them can figure out where all the fucking money has gone. But as usual, we'll save our outrage for $400 haircuts and implied sex in airport bathrooms. I guess "and the home of the brave" is SOOOOO 1999.
The Fans Speak Up
From one of my loyal readers:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Play":
It was a trombone, dipshit.
Posted by Anonymous to XMASTIME at 4:37 PM
Well, number 1 is he's right. It was a trombone. Number 2, is "dipshit" ever not funny? Seriously. Well done. Killin me.
ps - and the game didn't keep Elway out of the Rose Bowl. But it did keep him out of the Hall of Fame Bowl, apparently. I'm sure he's sorry he missed that one.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Play":
It was a trombone, dipshit.
Posted by Anonymous to XMASTIME at 4:37 PM
Well, number 1 is he's right. It was a trombone. Number 2, is "dipshit" ever not funny? Seriously. Well done. Killin me.
ps - and the game didn't keep Elway out of the Rose Bowl. But it did keep him out of the Hall of Fame Bowl, apparently. I'm sure he's sorry he missed that one.
Tunnel of Love
I just noticed the title of a post below: "Fuck Target." Did I...did I just create another euphemism for the Golden Palace of the Himalayas? I'M AMAZING!!!
Another Reason America Sucks
Are you fucking kidding me? 15,000 entries and the winner is "hey, let's throw some cold cuts on it"??!! Wtf?? Re-ignites my chagrin re: McDoanld's spending 2 years developing...a big cheeseburger. Wow. What the fuck is wrong with people? Gee, can we have less imagination? No wonder this country's going in the fucking shitter. Pun intended.
I promise you this: by this time next week, I will have created a few burgers for you people to choose from. I will huddle with my burger consigliere Op and give you some real fucking home runs; not "burger with extra lettuce - wow!!" fucking hell.
"Hey, look at me! I'm a complete fucking douchebag!"
I promise you this: by this time next week, I will have created a few burgers for you people to choose from. I will huddle with my burger consigliere Op and give you some real fucking home runs; not "burger with extra lettuce - wow!!" fucking hell.
"Hey, look at me! I'm a complete fucking douchebag!"
The Play
Today is the 25th year anniversary of "The Play." I certainly can't think of a more amazing, implausible play to win a game in all my years. But looking back on it, I'm amazed by 2 things. Number one, that the dude who scored the td was able to recognize so quickly which line was the end zone and spike the ball - there's no end zone coloring, the lines look the same and of course he was in a crowd of people. At the end of such a play for the win, I would think he'd be a lil more cautious re: "okay, am I really past the goal line, lemme check..." But no, just BLAM! on the tuba player. Which brings us to #2 - I've always been amazed the tuba dude didn't get hurt. Football player slamming a ball on you while you're holding some huge instrument? But enough about my girlfriend on prom night. I can't remember from old pictures if the tuba player had the tuba in his mouth; I would think he'd get some teeth knocked out. And of course if it happened today Cal would be sued for $400 million. Anyways, an amazinig play the will be replayed over and over long after we're gone. And I believe it kept John elway outta the Rose Bowl, no? Enjoy.
Fuck Target
I just saw some stupid commercial for Target; some fashion designer gleefully tells us that she designs clothes for women who “love life!” Really? What the fuck does this mean? “Remember, a woman who loves life is gonna want pleats here, Cheryl.” And who are these women that “love life!!” and are running into Target to prove it by buying their clothes? Wtf? And to buy said clothes, do you hafta pass some sort of “Do You REALLY Love Life Test?” Fucking stupid. I did some thinking and some rough sketches and came up with a few of my own fashion lines:
“Clothing for Women Who Hate Life and Want to Blow Their Fucking Brains Out”
“Clothing for Women Who Otherwise Would Hafta Fuck Dudes for Clothes”
“Clothing for Women Who Queef”
“Clothing for Women Who Don’t Want the Cookie Crumbs to Show”
“Clothing for Women Who Have Completely Given Up in This Life”
“Clothing for Women Who Think Taking It Up the Ass Means You’re Still a Virgin”
“Clothing for Women Who Have Never Had an Orgasm and, More Importantly, Never Will
“Clothing for Women Who are Named Rosie O’Donnell”
“Clothing for Women Who Just Plain Fucking Suck”
"Clothing for Women Who Don't Wanna Pay a Lot for their Fuck-Me Boots that They're Gonna Wear to the Next Party at the Hunt Club."
End of the month, we'll see whose sales are better!
“Clothing for Women Who Hate Life and Want to Blow Their Fucking Brains Out”
“Clothing for Women Who Otherwise Would Hafta Fuck Dudes for Clothes”
“Clothing for Women Who Queef”
“Clothing for Women Who Don’t Want the Cookie Crumbs to Show”
“Clothing for Women Who Have Completely Given Up in This Life”
“Clothing for Women Who Think Taking It Up the Ass Means You’re Still a Virgin”
“Clothing for Women Who Have Never Had an Orgasm and, More Importantly, Never Will
“Clothing for Women Who are Named Rosie O’Donnell”
“Clothing for Women Who Just Plain Fucking Suck”
"Clothing for Women Who Don't Wanna Pay a Lot for their Fuck-Me Boots that They're Gonna Wear to the Next Party at the Hunt Club."
End of the month, we'll see whose sales are better!
Parisa, a Goose and The Dead
In re-reading Dubliners last night I was reminded that back when I used to read books instead of watch "The Real World", I much preferred English Literature to American Literature. American Lit being, it seemed to me, mostly Southern. "Moby Dick" excepted. Everyone in those Southern stories was always shuffling down a dirty, dusty road, the sun blazing while they looked for a place to get a new collar. And they were always ordering pies. Fruit pie, slice of pie, a pie and a glass of beer please. It always seemed to be summer and blazing hot. But in British Lit, the streetlights were always slowly coming on as the snow starting to pick up speed, and everybody raced home to witness the goose being pulled from the fire, brandy flowing and cranberry stuffing in huge white bowls. Off in the distance, carolers. As a young buck I never felt really accepted as a Southerner, but my Dad blathered bout being Irish all the time. Somehow the non-American joints seemed to fit better; even going way back to Marlowe et al - my Catholicism making me figure sure, why not have the devil showing up ruining shit for everybody? An old-worldness I seemed to be more comfortable with than anything more "modern"; ie in my eyes at the time "not genuine." Either way, I'll always lean more towards curling up with Joyce while it's 30 degrees and soaking wet outside, comforted in the pitch blackness of night over anything else. Except, of course, tomorrow night when Parisa and Tricia have their final showdown. I mean, camon!
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Hills
Tell you what. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kinda rooting for Heidi now. First of all, the fact that she has consigned herself to living with Spencer for the rest of her life. I mean, usually at this point I'm blasting a girl like that for beng an idiot, but I can imagine her getting caught in that Spencer tractor-beam of supreme creepiness and idiocy and being locked in, not able to see the forest for the sleaze. Hopefully this engagement won't last long and she'll realize she has signed up to spend the rest of her life with a retard who 9 episodes in this season is still trying to grow a soul patch. Ugh. I WILL SAY THIS IN SPENCER'S DFENSE, HOWEVER: to his credit, he's the one dude on tv who seems to have the ambition of an olive loaf. He's not prattling on about his script, he's not starting a hip-hop label or clothing line. You never hear him talk about any of his "projects." Nope, not the Spence Dog. He's on the couch when Heidi leaves for work, and he's on the couch when she comes home. Good for him!
AND. I'm not in love with the way my (former?) girlfriend LC rebuffed Heidi during her apology. After all their feuding, Heidi, on natonal tv, tucked her tail between her legs and went to LC's apartment to apologize to her. Wanted to apologize and put the incident that caused all the ruckus behind them. LC could've shown some class here and graciously accepted the apology, been a little magnanimous et al. But I feel like she came off like a real jerk, making it even harder for Heidi than she should've, not really accepting the apology and everything. I'm a little embarrassed by her classlessness here. Is "classlessness" a word? I haven't heard a word with that many S's in it since I fucked that goof that stutters back in college. (wait a second....was she trying to say "stop"? hmm) Camon, LC. You're better than that! As Jefferson is wont to say, "Ever a time to forgive, ever a time of loss man can rise above, those lumps, those lumps, those lovely lady lumps."
PS - Justin Bobby is SPRINTING to the #1 alltime spot on my "most hated reality stars list." If he had more screen time, he'd be all by himself at the top. Fucking beyond douchebag.
AND. I'm not in love with the way my (former?) girlfriend LC rebuffed Heidi during her apology. After all their feuding, Heidi, on natonal tv, tucked her tail between her legs and went to LC's apartment to apologize to her. Wanted to apologize and put the incident that caused all the ruckus behind them. LC could've shown some class here and graciously accepted the apology, been a little magnanimous et al. But I feel like she came off like a real jerk, making it even harder for Heidi than she should've, not really accepting the apology and everything. I'm a little embarrassed by her classlessness here. Is "classlessness" a word? I haven't heard a word with that many S's in it since I fucked that goof that stutters back in college. (wait a second....was she trying to say "stop"? hmm) Camon, LC. You're better than that! As Jefferson is wont to say, "Ever a time to forgive, ever a time of loss man can rise above, those lumps, those lumps, those lovely lady lumps."
PS - Justin Bobby is SPRINTING to the #1 alltime spot on my "most hated reality stars list." If he had more screen time, he'd be all by himself at the top. Fucking beyond douchebag.
Monday Night Football
I just watched that ridiculous "call time-out as the kicker kicks a field goal, making him have to re-kick it and thereby freezing him again" backfire, and I take special glee in the fact that it backfired on Mike Shanahan, who started this whole nonsense. He just pulled this nonsense, and while the kicker missed the first one he nailed the second. Shanahan gave the other team 3 points. Most of all I don't understand why a coach would do this in the first place - you're basically giving the kicker, whom you're trying to "freeze", a practice kick. A full dress rehearsal in front of everyone. So either he misses it and thinks "okay, I gotta adjust such and such way", and any jitters/nerves are probably gone for the re-kick. Or if he makes it he now knows he CAN make it, and is that much more confidant he'll hit the second one. AND, instead of just calling a regular timeout to freeze him, you've now used a non-play that can still get one of your players injured. To me, it's just plain stupid. As Tony Dungy said while eschewing it: "You don't give your opponent a practice free throw, do you?"
My Career in Physics
I took Physics in 11th grade when I was in high school. We had a new teacher that year, her name was Mrs. Bame. She was probably all of 26 years old; her being a teacher of course made us assume she was older than the hills. Looking back now, she mighta been the one teacher we had that I might've allowed to seduce me with amorous relations.
Let’s just say I wasn’t a Physics genius. I reckon I topped out in the sciences the year before, when for my “science project” I flipped a coin 500 times to determine if the theory of probability was true. Answer? “YES.” I got a single piece of posterboard; on one side I wrote “HEADS: 249” and the other side was “TAILS: 251.” Hey, I didn’t wanna make it too obvious that I hadn’t bothered actually flipping the coin by putting 250 on each side, so I mixed it up a bit. Clever. I should’ve won an Oscar the next day when Mr. Young tried to insinuate that I hadn’t worked very hard on the project with the cleverly disguised critique of “It looks as if you did almost zero work on this.” To which of course I flipped out, indignation raging. “what?!?!? I flipped a coin 500 TIMES!!!!” I guess after that experience, I soured on science. What can I say.
So the next year, about 6 minutes into my Physics career I realized “this MIGHT have been a huge mistake.” So I did what any smart, resourceful young student would do in a time of crisis: start badgering the teacher to let us play kickball. Every day in the beginning of class I’d start the whining. “Come on Mrs. Bame, it’s so nice outside! Let’s all go outside and play kickball! Camon! Camoooooooooooooooon!” Her being so young and inexperienced she was easily rattled, so I was able to keep this up for bout two weeks. Whenever she’d make the mistake of calling on me in class I’d act distracted, staring out the window “…wha? I’m sorry what was the question?...I was just thinking boy, it’s too nice outside, we should be out there playing kickball…” I was, in a word, relentless. I knew that unless I spent the next 9 months distracting her with kickball dreams she would realize I knew nothing about physics and therein my dreams of failing out of community college would be down the shitter. The one thing I did understand the whole class was when one day, for no conceivable reason, she brought in a tape of “Mystic Pizza” and we watched it. I have no idea what that had to do with Physics, unless it’s has something to do with how Annabeth Gish’s career disappeared into outer space. “The Ione Skye of 1988.”
Luckily, I only had to keep it up for about 2 weeks; I finally cashed in my chips and dropped the class.
Fast forward to months later, there’s about 2 weeks left in the school year and I’m sitting at a table in one of my record-setting 14 study halls for the day. Prolly putting together my endless lists of “Favorite Ramones records, In Order” over over. Or theorizing a way people could use a system of interlinked, hypertext documents accessed via their networked computers to communicate with each other. Either way, I’m pretty sure a paper football was on the table. So I’m sitting there and I see Mrs. Bame walking in. Big smile, little wave, she’s walking over to the study hall “teacher.” I’m kinda watching for no reason, they both laugh while looking at me. I’m like, are they talking about me? What the fuck? What’re they looking at, is my dick hanging out? I looked down at my shoes and saw no, it wasn’t. Mrs. Bame walks straight over to me. We exchange hellos etc and then I’m finally like so….what’s…up? I can still see her beaming smile, I can still see the LL Bean tote bag she then reached into, pulling out a big red rubber ball. “It’s so nice out. Let’s go play some kickball.” My class roared from out in the hallway where they had been waiting, and I rose up – I can still feel the smile cracking my face as I walked to them, and then we all ran outside and spent the next 2 hours playing kickball. Fucking awesome.
Let’s just say I wasn’t a Physics genius. I reckon I topped out in the sciences the year before, when for my “science project” I flipped a coin 500 times to determine if the theory of probability was true. Answer? “YES.” I got a single piece of posterboard; on one side I wrote “HEADS: 249” and the other side was “TAILS: 251.” Hey, I didn’t wanna make it too obvious that I hadn’t bothered actually flipping the coin by putting 250 on each side, so I mixed it up a bit. Clever. I should’ve won an Oscar the next day when Mr. Young tried to insinuate that I hadn’t worked very hard on the project with the cleverly disguised critique of “It looks as if you did almost zero work on this.” To which of course I flipped out, indignation raging. “what?!?!? I flipped a coin 500 TIMES!!!!” I guess after that experience, I soured on science. What can I say.
So the next year, about 6 minutes into my Physics career I realized “this MIGHT have been a huge mistake.” So I did what any smart, resourceful young student would do in a time of crisis: start badgering the teacher to let us play kickball. Every day in the beginning of class I’d start the whining. “Come on Mrs. Bame, it’s so nice outside! Let’s all go outside and play kickball! Camon! Camoooooooooooooooon!” Her being so young and inexperienced she was easily rattled, so I was able to keep this up for bout two weeks. Whenever she’d make the mistake of calling on me in class I’d act distracted, staring out the window “…wha? I’m sorry what was the question?...I was just thinking boy, it’s too nice outside, we should be out there playing kickball…” I was, in a word, relentless. I knew that unless I spent the next 9 months distracting her with kickball dreams she would realize I knew nothing about physics and therein my dreams of failing out of community college would be down the shitter. The one thing I did understand the whole class was when one day, for no conceivable reason, she brought in a tape of “Mystic Pizza” and we watched it. I have no idea what that had to do with Physics, unless it’s has something to do with how Annabeth Gish’s career disappeared into outer space. “The Ione Skye of 1988.”
Luckily, I only had to keep it up for about 2 weeks; I finally cashed in my chips and dropped the class.
Fast forward to months later, there’s about 2 weeks left in the school year and I’m sitting at a table in one of my record-setting 14 study halls for the day. Prolly putting together my endless lists of “Favorite Ramones records, In Order” over over. Or theorizing a way people could use a system of interlinked, hypertext documents accessed via their networked computers to communicate with each other. Either way, I’m pretty sure a paper football was on the table. So I’m sitting there and I see Mrs. Bame walking in. Big smile, little wave, she’s walking over to the study hall “teacher.” I’m kinda watching for no reason, they both laugh while looking at me. I’m like, are they talking about me? What the fuck? What’re they looking at, is my dick hanging out? I looked down at my shoes and saw no, it wasn’t. Mrs. Bame walks straight over to me. We exchange hellos etc and then I’m finally like so….what’s…up? I can still see her beaming smile, I can still see the LL Bean tote bag she then reached into, pulling out a big red rubber ball. “It’s so nice out. Let’s go play some kickball.” My class roared from out in the hallway where they had been waiting, and I rose up – I can still feel the smile cracking my face as I walked to them, and then we all ran outside and spent the next 2 hours playing kickball. Fucking awesome.
Over 55, a Little Leathery, Very Toothy and Now Single...
....in other words, Mrs. Xmastime Senior Division! Welcome Jeanine Pirro!
The Manny Tapes
I wish the boy could actually catch a ball when I throw it to him. We’ll be sitting on the floor and I’ll toss the ball to him, which he stares blankly at as it slowly rolls by him. Rolls over his hand, even. Slowly turns his head to follow the ball as it rolls past. Doesn’t hear me sigh “fucking Christ.” So now after the ball has rolled another 10 feet he excitedly springs into action, taking off to crawl and get it. But it’s not like he crawls to the ball, gets it and brings it back for round two. Cause by now the ball has rolled by the couch, the pile of pillows, somehow snuck through the folded up comforter on the floor, and of course has landed right in the pile of burning syringes that is lying on top of a rattlesnake that is hurt and not looking to be generous with his personal space. And the boy is hurtling towards it, so now I hafta drag my fat ass up off the floor, every bone and muscle snap-crackle-popping and beat him to the gotdam ball. Fucking christ. “Catch.” Grrrrrrr!!!
"Hahahaaha!! Xmas I hope you don't catch no shit disease while wiping my ass, you stupid fat fuck!!!"
"Hahahaaha!! Xmas I hope you don't catch no shit disease while wiping my ass, you stupid fat fuck!!!"
Saturday, November 17, 2007
College Gameday (finally)
My buddy Op hit on something yesterday when he remarked on the OSU-Michigan game being played at noon. That’s the way I remember college football as a young buck – kickoff at noon with gray skies, rain pouring. The way it was meant to be. Seems like it’s been so long since a big game was played at noon and not moved thanks to tv to 9:30 I had forgotten it even was possible. So I finally watched an entire game for the first time all season. Rain, The Big House and Brent Musberger. Not bad. The game itself was fairly uneventful – some dude on OSU ran for over 220 yards and I was like…really? When was this? What’d I miss? A quiet 220. But mostly I wrapped myself up in the coziness that college football used to bring me. See previous bitching and moaning here.
Other thoughts: while they weren’t overpowering today, I feel like OSU got screwed cause their one loss came so late in the year. I mean, they go from #1 all the way to #7? They're not Notre Dame; they didn't lose to the National Guard for fuck's sake. They’re 11-1, I feel like they should be right behind Kansas and LSU. 7th? Are you kidding me? I know the Big 10 is down as it has been for a few years, but they still have 5 teams with 8+ wins. Do you really think Oregon/OK/Mizzou/W Va are better than OSU? Nyet. Hell, I would not bet on Kansas in a matchup with the Buckeyes. The college rankings and BCS system, as usual, B L O W.
Also, is it just me or has Tim Tebow been way further under the Heisman radar than he should be? I know I haven’t had my ear to the ground as much as in the past, but I’ve barely heard his name mentioned and he just became the first player ever to run AND pass for 20 tds in a season. Which isn’t even over. 20 tds rushing, and another 20 passing. incredible. In the SEC, which is the best conference by far. His qb rating is 177 and his td/int is 23/5. Again: in the SEC for a team that will prolly go 9-3. I’m baffled why his name hasn’t come up a lot; maybe cause he’s only a sophomore?
Anyways a great football day for me. And only 448 days til the bowls begin!
Other thoughts: while they weren’t overpowering today, I feel like OSU got screwed cause their one loss came so late in the year. I mean, they go from #1 all the way to #7? They're not Notre Dame; they didn't lose to the National Guard for fuck's sake. They’re 11-1, I feel like they should be right behind Kansas and LSU. 7th? Are you kidding me? I know the Big 10 is down as it has been for a few years, but they still have 5 teams with 8+ wins. Do you really think Oregon/OK/Mizzou/W Va are better than OSU? Nyet. Hell, I would not bet on Kansas in a matchup with the Buckeyes. The college rankings and BCS system, as usual, B L O W.
Also, is it just me or has Tim Tebow been way further under the Heisman radar than he should be? I know I haven’t had my ear to the ground as much as in the past, but I’ve barely heard his name mentioned and he just became the first player ever to run AND pass for 20 tds in a season. Which isn’t even over. 20 tds rushing, and another 20 passing. incredible. In the SEC, which is the best conference by far. His qb rating is 177 and his td/int is 23/5. Again: in the SEC for a team that will prolly go 9-3. I’m baffled why his name hasn’t come up a lot; maybe cause he’s only a sophomore?
Anyways a great football day for me. And only 448 days til the bowls begin!
Pepper Update
Sgt Pepper has SEVEN super-slices, not six...how the fuck could I have left off "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"? Christ. Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Every Day, I Still Learn
While I'm embarrassed to say I found this on the Perez site, this is simply too incredible to not share with you people. Ladies and Gentleman, I present you with this generation's "Blowin in the Wind": Smell Yo Dick.
Fab Four Friday
Over the last few years a coupla friends and I have had heated discussions re: The Beatles vs. The Stones. Basically it’s me (Beatles) against them (Stones.) While I love the Stones too, to me they don’t come close to measuring up to the Beatles; be it songwriting, musicianship, singing, coolness, innovation, anything. Look at the leaps the Beatles made from 1963-1969, and then look at the Stones still working on their bar-band boogie woogie. A great band, yes. But better than the Beatles? Camon.
A particular sore spot for me is that everyone else in this “debate” turns their nose up at Sgt Pepper. I seem to be the only person left on the planet who still thinks this is an A++ album. I know the hip thing to do is turn your nose up at Sgt Pepper and claim allegiance to the alt-country of Rubber Soul or the here-comes-pepperness of Revolver, but I love Pepper as much as Revolver and way more than Rubber Soul. Fucking hell, it has
SUPER SLICES: title track, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", “Getting Better”, "She’s Leaving Home”, “Lovely Rita”, “Good Morning, Good Morning”, “Day in the Life”
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT EVEN THO YOU’RE SICK OF HEARING IT: “With a Little Help from My Friends”
I NEVER LISTEN BUT AT LEAST THEY’RE WILDLY INNOVATIVE/AMBITIOUS: “ Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!”, “Within You, Without You”
NOT A SLICE: “Fixing a Hole”, “When I’m 64”
SIX superslices! Not just slices, but super slices. Camon. An amazing album. And don’t get me started re: how off the charts it would be if they hadn’t given away “Penny Lane” and “Strawberry Fields” from the sessions to be the singles. Viva la Pepper!!
Okay. That last "viva" bit was gay. Tho not as gay as these get-ups (and yes, when you're clothes are this gay they are "get-ups")
"Holy shit - Xmastime LOVES us!! YES!!"
A particular sore spot for me is that everyone else in this “debate” turns their nose up at Sgt Pepper. I seem to be the only person left on the planet who still thinks this is an A++ album. I know the hip thing to do is turn your nose up at Sgt Pepper and claim allegiance to the alt-country of Rubber Soul or the here-comes-pepperness of Revolver, but I love Pepper as much as Revolver and way more than Rubber Soul. Fucking hell, it has
SUPER SLICES: title track, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", “Getting Better”, "She’s Leaving Home”, “Lovely Rita”, “Good Morning, Good Morning”, “Day in the Life”
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT EVEN THO YOU’RE SICK OF HEARING IT: “With a Little Help from My Friends”
I NEVER LISTEN BUT AT LEAST THEY’RE WILDLY INNOVATIVE/AMBITIOUS: “ Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!”, “Within You, Without You”
NOT A SLICE: “Fixing a Hole”, “When I’m 64”
SIX superslices! Not just slices, but super slices. Camon. An amazing album. And don’t get me started re: how off the charts it would be if they hadn’t given away “Penny Lane” and “Strawberry Fields” from the sessions to be the singles. Viva la Pepper!!
Okay. That last "viva" bit was gay. Tho not as gay as these get-ups (and yes, when you're clothes are this gay they are "get-ups")
"Holy shit - Xmastime LOVES us!! YES!!"
Another Day Another Debate
Somehow I got sucked into watching most of the unwatchable Democratic Debate last night – how many more of these do we have, 400? Fucking Christ. First of all, one thing about these debates that has to fucking go is each candidate taking his first 2 minutes of the night thanking everyone on the planet for having them. “Oh, and the wonderful, wonderful people of Nevada…” each one gasps, shaking their heads as if they’ve just now discovered human beings. Christ. So with 800 candidates up there repeating this shit we have about 14 seconds at the end of the night for the "debate." Enuff!!! We get it! The moderator should take 15 seconds in the beginning to announce “All the candidates greatly appreciate the hospitality you nice people have given, not one of them hates you and wishes your state, AND ONLY YOUR STATE, could be blown off the map. Let’s get started.” Does anyone change their vote because of how much a candidate blathers his thanks before a debate? Then again, don’t answer that.
The one good thing about this one is that by now guys like Biden and Kucinich don’t even pretend anyone’s there to listen to them – all anyone wants to hear is Barack or Hillary. So now they’re like the bad dudes in the back of the classroom, I kinda started to expect to catch them passing a brown bag back and forth, or a note that said “Hillary’s fat YES OR NO CIRCLE ONE.” We can at least dream that by next debate they’ll be openly wise-asses; I’ll even settle for the ol’ sneeze while saying “bullshit!” everytime Barack or Hillary open their mouths. And I can’t be the only one thinking “Is that Horshack?!?!” whenever Kucinich was waving his arm “ooh! Ooh! Ooh, me!! I didn’t get to answer!!” Love it. Who needs shitty tv writers with this stuff?
But it makes no sense to me how far behind Biden is. I mean, he’s not even an afterthought anymore. What the fuck happened? What’d I miss? He’s funny, experienced, does nothing but make sense and always seems like the adult in the room. He’s Gore with a personality. I must be missing something re: why this guy isn’t even on the radar. Behind Richardson? Are you fucking kidding me?
Also, they kept saying that the President’s job is to protect the Constitution and the people of the US. I’m scratching my head thinking actually, doesn’t he promise to protect the Constitution? Not “the land”? Whenever an internal question like that comes up I automatically defer to the fact that I’m an idiot and assume I’m wrong. But then I see my thoughts confirmed by Andrew Sullivan here. What the fuck –how do I know this and these motherfuckers don’t ? Aaaaaarrrgggghhhh!!!
Anyways. The debates are worthless but I must say - as they go on and Biden and Kucinich say “fuck this” and allow themselves to become unhinged and entertain the masses, I’ll fucking be there to watch it.
The one good thing about this one is that by now guys like Biden and Kucinich don’t even pretend anyone’s there to listen to them – all anyone wants to hear is Barack or Hillary. So now they’re like the bad dudes in the back of the classroom, I kinda started to expect to catch them passing a brown bag back and forth, or a note that said “Hillary’s fat YES OR NO CIRCLE ONE.” We can at least dream that by next debate they’ll be openly wise-asses; I’ll even settle for the ol’ sneeze while saying “bullshit!” everytime Barack or Hillary open their mouths. And I can’t be the only one thinking “Is that Horshack?!?!” whenever Kucinich was waving his arm “ooh! Ooh! Ooh, me!! I didn’t get to answer!!” Love it. Who needs shitty tv writers with this stuff?
But it makes no sense to me how far behind Biden is. I mean, he’s not even an afterthought anymore. What the fuck happened? What’d I miss? He’s funny, experienced, does nothing but make sense and always seems like the adult in the room. He’s Gore with a personality. I must be missing something re: why this guy isn’t even on the radar. Behind Richardson? Are you fucking kidding me?
Also, they kept saying that the President’s job is to protect the Constitution and the people of the US. I’m scratching my head thinking actually, doesn’t he promise to protect the Constitution? Not “the land”? Whenever an internal question like that comes up I automatically defer to the fact that I’m an idiot and assume I’m wrong. But then I see my thoughts confirmed by Andrew Sullivan here. What the fuck –how do I know this and these motherfuckers don’t ? Aaaaaarrrgggghhhh!!!
Anyways. The debates are worthless but I must say - as they go on and Biden and Kucinich say “fuck this” and allow themselves to become unhinged and entertain the masses, I’ll fucking be there to watch it.
Xmas Rock City
I’ve been mildly obsessed with KISS all week. The KISS docs (“KISSOLOGY”) have been on VH1 all week, and I’ve even sat thru that shitty “Storytellers” they did about ten years ago. Like most boys my age I guess KISS was one of my first (if not THE first) musical loves. For no other reason, really, than the fact that they wore evil clown makeup. I guess that means that if Phyllis Diller put out an album I woulda been into her too. I’d see those album covers and man, I’d beg my parents to order the face makeup kit from Sears so I could be Gene or Paul or Ace. My parents, being as thrifty as they were, instead bought me the knock-off version, “LICK.” You’d spread the stuff on your face, look in the mirror and think “I don’t look like Paul at all…is it getting dark in here?” then you’d wake up 3 days later with a squirrel attached to your face. Not good. The country store down the road sold KISS bubblegum cards, which I’d snatch up anytime I got a quarter. I can still picture myself walking down the road after buying a pack and flipping one of the cards over to read that ABC was airing “KISS and the Phantom of the Park”…ON THAT VERY NIGHT!!! Of course, even at age 7 as I was watching I was like “boy…this is terrible…unwatchable even…what’s Neil Diamond doing here?”
KISS is fascinating cause they’ve pulled off a 30-year career, part of which they were the biggest band on the planet, without ever having to bother writing songs that didn't completyl blow. As exciting as KISS was, once you grow up and actually listen, the songs are pretty terrible. And stupid. And as scary as they were when I was a kid, now I realize that even though they were dressed up as the Devil, or a Space Child and wore scary dragon boots, they were basically moaning and crying about girls. Blood would come outta Gene’s mouth, he’d spew fire, and then start singing “oooh, girl, you took my heart and hurt me, ooohh…”…..what the fuck?
I remember sleeping over at Kirby Harris’ house and being so freaked out just by the back cover of Destroyer I was a quibbling mess of bitch tears, begging his mom to take me home while Kirby and my big brother laughed at me. Hey, I was maybe 6 years old, gimme a break. A side note: Kirby’s mom was kinda hot, and several times I “accidentally” walked in on her while she was in the bathroom. “oh, I’m sorry! (linger linger linger, sloooooooowly back out of the door…) Hey, what can I say, I was curious about what the female body looked like. Fucking sue me. And she shoulda been flattered that someone 31 years old would wanna see her naked, for chrissakes.
And how much must it have sucked to be Peter Criss and walk in the day the band decides on who’s gonna be what character, and it’s like oh, great…I’m a kitten. Thanks, guys. Demon Spawn, Rock Star, Rocker Space Child, and Nermal. What the fuck. This reminds me of a few weeks after 9/11 when that bus outside of Nashville was attacked by a terrorist and a few people got killed. How’d that guy feel on Terrorist Academy Graduation Day when their assignments were given?
“Wow!! I’m gonna fly a huge jet into the World Trade Center! YES!”
“Me too!! Fuckin awesome! (high five)”
“I got the Pentagon! This is awesome!! What about you, Assid?”
“What the…Greyhound Bus?...where the fuck is Nashville? A bus??!! Oh, MAN! This is total bullshit!!!!!!”
And now yesterday I see this article. Now, nothing is more fun than watching a Gene/Paul interview: Paul goes on and on about how in awe he is of their fans who believe in KISS so much and the magic of rock n roll while Gene sits there and casually mentions how they’re the richest people in the world, ever, and are looking to buy your house cause he prolly slept with your mom anyways. I could watch them all day. So I’m perusing through this article bemused when I see this:
I immediately do a spit-take of whichever chick’s titty was in my mouth and I’m like, are you kidding me? 150 Gene Simmons songs? And you know Gene is sitting there grinning like a cheshire cat, “oh boy, wait til everyone gets a load of this genius!!!” Ahhhh…Gene….your band has had two songs that people actually like – one’s by your drummer, and the other one actually uses the word “party” as a verb. Please. I shiver to think of what his solo shit must sound like. A vault of solo Gene songs about to be dropped on us? I’m reminded of Pete Rozelle, who upon hearing that the Iran hostages would be given lifetime passes to Major League baseball games said “haven’t they been through enough?” Man.
Ace - drink much?
KISS is fascinating cause they’ve pulled off a 30-year career, part of which they were the biggest band on the planet, without ever having to bother writing songs that didn't completyl blow. As exciting as KISS was, once you grow up and actually listen, the songs are pretty terrible. And stupid. And as scary as they were when I was a kid, now I realize that even though they were dressed up as the Devil, or a Space Child and wore scary dragon boots, they were basically moaning and crying about girls. Blood would come outta Gene’s mouth, he’d spew fire, and then start singing “oooh, girl, you took my heart and hurt me, ooohh…”…..what the fuck?
I remember sleeping over at Kirby Harris’ house and being so freaked out just by the back cover of Destroyer I was a quibbling mess of bitch tears, begging his mom to take me home while Kirby and my big brother laughed at me. Hey, I was maybe 6 years old, gimme a break. A side note: Kirby’s mom was kinda hot, and several times I “accidentally” walked in on her while she was in the bathroom. “oh, I’m sorry! (linger linger linger, sloooooooowly back out of the door…) Hey, what can I say, I was curious about what the female body looked like. Fucking sue me. And she shoulda been flattered that someone 31 years old would wanna see her naked, for chrissakes.
And how much must it have sucked to be Peter Criss and walk in the day the band decides on who’s gonna be what character, and it’s like oh, great…I’m a kitten. Thanks, guys. Demon Spawn, Rock Star, Rocker Space Child, and Nermal. What the fuck. This reminds me of a few weeks after 9/11 when that bus outside of Nashville was attacked by a terrorist and a few people got killed. How’d that guy feel on Terrorist Academy Graduation Day when their assignments were given?
“Wow!! I’m gonna fly a huge jet into the World Trade Center! YES!”
“Me too!! Fuckin awesome! (high five)”
“I got the Pentagon! This is awesome!! What about you, Assid?”
“What the…Greyhound Bus?...where the fuck is Nashville? A bus??!! Oh, MAN! This is total bullshit!!!!!!”
And now yesterday I see this article. Now, nothing is more fun than watching a Gene/Paul interview: Paul goes on and on about how in awe he is of their fans who believe in KISS so much and the magic of rock n roll while Gene sits there and casually mentions how they’re the richest people in the world, ever, and are looking to buy your house cause he prolly slept with your mom anyways. I could watch them all day. So I’m perusing through this article bemused when I see this:
I will be putting out a Gene Simmons box set called "Monster" -- a collection of 150 unreleased songs.
I immediately do a spit-take of whichever chick’s titty was in my mouth and I’m like, are you kidding me? 150 Gene Simmons songs? And you know Gene is sitting there grinning like a cheshire cat, “oh boy, wait til everyone gets a load of this genius!!!” Ahhhh…Gene….your band has had two songs that people actually like – one’s by your drummer, and the other one actually uses the word “party” as a verb. Please. I shiver to think of what his solo shit must sound like. A vault of solo Gene songs about to be dropped on us? I’m reminded of Pete Rozelle, who upon hearing that the Iran hostages would be given lifetime passes to Major League baseball games said “haven’t they been through enough?” Man.
Ace - drink much?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Hmm.
Walking home just now I noticed a big sign that's an advertisement for "Destination Cruises." Is it just me, or is that an oxymoron? Hmm.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Les Nuits, Tous Les Chats Sont Gris
You know, maybe the French have it right with this bidet shit. Seriously, is there any worse feeling than leaving the shitter and then about 5 minutes later realizing "you know what....maybe I could've done better down there...."? Prolly le not.
Glory Days
One time back in my fraternity days we had some pledges lined up against the wall and some of us were yelling at 'em, blah blah blah you guys suck and on and on. I was sitting in a chair, kinda not paying attention when one of my brothers shouted at a pledge "you are terrible! you are the fucking worst! I better see some big changes outta you this week asshole, and I mean big! I wanna see a 360-degree change outta you!!!"
Christ, I remember thinking to myself, I shoulda cracked a book in high school and gone to a real college. Sigh.
Christ, I remember thinking to myself, I shoulda cracked a book in high school and gone to a real college. Sigh.
The Good Book
Also on the NOVA show more than one person said the Bible tells it how it is because it’s, and I quote, “direct from the mouth of God.” Really? But it was written by…dudes. And nobody disputes this. And it wasn’t even written by a single dude in a burst of enlightenment, it was written over the course of time by many dudes. It’s kinda like a reverse slam book, isn’t it? “God Rules, pass it on!! – Mark”
The funny thing to me is that it never occurred to the people that brought us the Bible to claim that God really did write the Bible – they’ve got us believing stories about burning bushes and Noah’s Ark and the resurrection of the dead; why wouldn’t they have said you know what, let’s just tell everybody that God literally handed this to us on the top of a mountain, then they'll REALLY hafta believe it? It’s funny to me that they go through the trouble of putting this book together, full of miracles and extraordinary happenings, they tell us it is the word of God and our lives should therein be ruled by it, but then have no problem telling us it was actually written by the Elks Club. Wtf.
The funny thing to me is that it never occurred to the people that brought us the Bible to claim that God really did write the Bible – they’ve got us believing stories about burning bushes and Noah’s Ark and the resurrection of the dead; why wouldn’t they have said you know what, let’s just tell everybody that God literally handed this to us on the top of a mountain, then they'll REALLY hafta believe it? It’s funny to me that they go through the trouble of putting this book together, full of miracles and extraordinary happenings, they tell us it is the word of God and our lives should therein be ruled by it, but then have no problem telling us it was actually written by the Elks Club. Wtf.
Intelligent Design? Mights Not.
Something I did learn last night about Intelligent Design is that different species throughout time apparently just “poofed” into existence. Primates all of a sudden appeared, then later on fish, etc etc. But if God (thinly disguised here as “The Intelligent Agent”) is the all-knowing and almighty, wouldn’t he have created all species all at once? Hell, even according to the Bible-thumpers, he knocked everything out in only 6 days. Are we to believe God’s sitting back admiring what he’s created, thinking “oooooh, yeah, pretty effing sweet….lookit all that…man am I – hold up…where are the cats? Don’t tell me I forgot to create cats?!?!?!? Aw, humandammit!!!!! I’m such an IDIOT!!!” Makes no sense to me. Any other way you'd have to chalk up to at least a variation of natural selection/evolution, no?
A Serious Question...
....where the fuck is Britney going all day? Seriously - every day, we're flooded with pictures of Britney driving around. She's running over paparazzi toes, she's flying down the freeway, she's hanging her mud flaps out the door, and on and on and on. Apparently this is what she does all day. Drives around. How many fucking errands can one girl yet not a woman have in one day? And just like how I always laugh at celebrities getting busted for drunk driving when they could pay for a fleet of persoanl drivers, doesn't Britney have a bunch of assistants? These people can't go pick up her coffee and dry cleaning? What the fuck. You'd think with Britney using up so much fucking gas the rest of us would get a price break.
The Land of the Free, Brave Pussies
Now see, this is the kinda shit that drives me bananas. David Gregory was following Fred Thompson around on a campaign day in Iowa. When asked by Gregory who his most trusted advisor in a time of crisis would be, Thompson thought for a split second and said “my wife.”
Your wife? Really?
Another step in the pussification of America. We hear Thompson say that he would immediately run to his wife for advice in a time of national crisis and we wet our pants with “he’s such a good boy, I’m cozy now let’s have some apple pie!” What fucking nonsense. A candidate can’t come out and say “well, I’d have my National Security Council of course, and I’d have (insert list of CIA operatives et al).” You know, maybe some real experts in whatever the crisis is. But no. We can’t bear to hear that, we need a Hallmark card given to us. “oh, he’d ask his wife, that’s so sweet!!!”
So national crisis, ask the wife. Check! But if you’re about to go in for major surgery and you ask the doctor who he has to back him up if things go to shit on the table, how would you feel if he said “you know what, I’d prolly call my wife. She’s warm and sweet and smart.” Nyet. You ever seen shit going tits up in the courtroom for a defendant who then leans over to his attorney and says “maybe we should give your wife a call now?” This is what we’ve become. Fucking pathetic – maybe the next candidate that’s asked this will curl up with his blanket and say “my mommy!” That’ll make us feel all warm and cozy, right?
Your wife? Really?
Another step in the pussification of America. We hear Thompson say that he would immediately run to his wife for advice in a time of national crisis and we wet our pants with “he’s such a good boy, I’m cozy now let’s have some apple pie!” What fucking nonsense. A candidate can’t come out and say “well, I’d have my National Security Council of course, and I’d have (insert list of CIA operatives et al).” You know, maybe some real experts in whatever the crisis is. But no. We can’t bear to hear that, we need a Hallmark card given to us. “oh, he’d ask his wife, that’s so sweet!!!”
So national crisis, ask the wife. Check! But if you’re about to go in for major surgery and you ask the doctor who he has to back him up if things go to shit on the table, how would you feel if he said “you know what, I’d prolly call my wife. She’s warm and sweet and smart.” Nyet. You ever seen shit going tits up in the courtroom for a defendant who then leans over to his attorney and says “maybe we should give your wife a call now?” This is what we’ve become. Fucking pathetic – maybe the next candidate that’s asked this will curl up with his blanket and say “my mommy!” That’ll make us feel all warm and cozy, right?
Alternate Theories
Another funny thing I picked up from the NOVA show was these people that insist on an “alternative” to evolution being taught in the first place, alongside evolution. “Hey,” they say “it’s not the LAW of evolution, it’s the THEORY of evolution!” Patting themselves on the back, having of course no idea of what the word “theory” means to real scientists. They allow evolution to be taught as long as an alternative is also taught alongside it. But why stop at evolution? I can’t wait to have a kid so I can show up at a school board meeting horrified that the theory of gravity is being taught as fact. I’ll say “whoa whoa whoa…I don’t mind gravity being taught, as long as an alternative is taught alongside it!” The alternative will be of course that we stay attached to the Earth because before we appear we are licked by the Intelligent Agent with a special, sticky subtance. Just a theory!! Must be taught in school!!!
Today's Sitcom Line of the Day
FRASIER
Daphne Moon: (holding three shopping bags) Could you give me a hand here?
Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin Crane: (pointing at his hip) Bullet in the hip.
Daphne Moon: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
(Daphne walks by Frasier)
Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne Moon: Yeah. So did she.
Daphne Moon: (holding three shopping bags) Could you give me a hand here?
Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin Crane: (pointing at his hip) Bullet in the hip.
Daphne Moon: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
(Daphne walks by Frasier)
Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne Moon: Yeah. So did she.
My Grandma Was Descended from Apes and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
Last night I saw the NOVA episode about “Intelligent Design.” Anyone who’s read this blog for more than 30 seconds can guess what side I fall on in this “debate.” But what cracks me up is, why do some people take such umbrage at the thought of having descended from apes? You’ve seen it, some shitkicker’s vein popping in his forehead as he screeches “I ain’t come from no goddam ape!!” This would come from every person in my hometown. I’m like easy dude – we’re talking about millions and millions of years of slow, sloooooooow evolution. Nobody’s saying your mother fucked an ape. Relax. I don’t see the big insult.
And now I see people getting upset that scientists have discovered that apes actually have one more pair of chromosomes than man. Like it’s some sort of contest. Scientists say we have 23, they have 24, so these scientists must be trying to insinuate apes are better than us. Christ. Scientists sent from the devil, surely. Unless you’re a scientist, how would you even remotely know what this even means? More is automatically better somehow to these folks screaming into the camera. Unreal. Hey, unless you’re Italian, gorillas have more hair on their backs than us, does that make them better? And that goes for Italian men too.
Hell, you’d think with our natural sense of competition, we’d be thrilled that we started at the same place as monkeys and have come out so far ahead. Why does this thinking work in NASCAR but not with evolution? Look how much better off than an ape you are right now. You get to do things like pay billionaire’s taxes for them and fight in pretend wars. You can drive a car and play Ms. Pac-Man. You can Photoshop Britney sitting on your face while Dina Lohan brings in a McRib platter in a French maid outfit. Monkeys and apes? They swing in trees and throw their own shit around. Relax! You won!! Maybe scientists will find we all came from a can of Hormel from billions of years ago. It’s okay, for chrissake.
And now I see people getting upset that scientists have discovered that apes actually have one more pair of chromosomes than man. Like it’s some sort of contest. Scientists say we have 23, they have 24, so these scientists must be trying to insinuate apes are better than us. Christ. Scientists sent from the devil, surely. Unless you’re a scientist, how would you even remotely know what this even means? More is automatically better somehow to these folks screaming into the camera. Unreal. Hey, unless you’re Italian, gorillas have more hair on their backs than us, does that make them better? And that goes for Italian men too.
Hell, you’d think with our natural sense of competition, we’d be thrilled that we started at the same place as monkeys and have come out so far ahead. Why does this thinking work in NASCAR but not with evolution? Look how much better off than an ape you are right now. You get to do things like pay billionaire’s taxes for them and fight in pretend wars. You can drive a car and play Ms. Pac-Man. You can Photoshop Britney sitting on your face while Dina Lohan brings in a McRib platter in a French maid outfit. Monkeys and apes? They swing in trees and throw their own shit around. Relax! You won!! Maybe scientists will find we all came from a can of Hormel from billions of years ago. It’s okay, for chrissake.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Why This Country is Falling Off a Cliff, Vol. CLII
Actually praying for rain. And this isn't some half-quack local Baptist minister testifying, this is the commander in chief of a state. Of which there are only 50. Highest power in the state and here he is, leading a prayer for rain. And I like that it's scheduled. It's not a spontaneous, passionate thing; it's on his to-do list for today. Is this to make sure God knows when to listen in? Today the governor of Georgia will close his eyes, lower his head, and speak to an unseen, unknown force about bringing some rain to Georgia. This is a man who has officially run out of ideas.
Generation ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I watched this report on "60 Minutes" the other night and found it fairly shocking. Hey, we all wanna be able to roll into work in our pajamas at noon and play ping pong in the office. But companies are bending over backwards to accompany these kids, simply because this new generation of workers has decided it's what they deserve? Wow. You're telling me these companies cant find enough people to show up at 9am and do what they say? Really? I'm reminded of some show I was watching a while back when some kept woman was on a shopping spree, spending thousands of her boyfriend's dollars on clothes and gleefully exclaiming she could do it because "I deserve it! I'm worth it!!" I was like ...really? Just for existing? You've "earned it"?
More of the softening of America; the dont give out grades and be sure to give everybody trophies after a game of not keeping score. I don't have a lot of faith in this country if we're gonna be "led" by people who were constantly told by their parents that they're amazing just for existing. We can't get shit done NOW for fuck's sake. Soft, undeserved entitlement can be a dangerous thing.
I can't put my finger on it, but I notice this is coinciding with the big immigration "crisis." I wonder why we're so terrified of these people coming across the border - is it cause "ooooh, they wanna kill us all!!!!" or are we scared the curtain will be pulled up and our laziness will be exposed when the immigrants take over our office jobs and work about 700% harder. And they'll hafta take our office jobs; all our manufacturing jobs of course are in China now.
My brother just finished building his house, and by the end he pretty much stopped dealing with white American builders. A lot of these jobs were passed down to them; they'd breeze in around noon, poke around for about 1/2 an hour, then say oh, I forgot a tool, I'll come back tomorrow and then breeze back in three days later. So he got a Mexican crew and they bust their humps all day, every day. And it's not the money - my brother is happy to pay what he would anyone else as long as they're actually, you know, working. He claims that in 20 years the Mexicans will have taken over, and will deserve it. After all, as discussed in a post below, they've already taken over my armpits.
More of the softening of America; the dont give out grades and be sure to give everybody trophies after a game of not keeping score. I don't have a lot of faith in this country if we're gonna be "led" by people who were constantly told by their parents that they're amazing just for existing. We can't get shit done NOW for fuck's sake. Soft, undeserved entitlement can be a dangerous thing.
I can't put my finger on it, but I notice this is coinciding with the big immigration "crisis." I wonder why we're so terrified of these people coming across the border - is it cause "ooooh, they wanna kill us all!!!!" or are we scared the curtain will be pulled up and our laziness will be exposed when the immigrants take over our office jobs and work about 700% harder. And they'll hafta take our office jobs; all our manufacturing jobs of course are in China now.
My brother just finished building his house, and by the end he pretty much stopped dealing with white American builders. A lot of these jobs were passed down to them; they'd breeze in around noon, poke around for about 1/2 an hour, then say oh, I forgot a tool, I'll come back tomorrow and then breeze back in three days later. So he got a Mexican crew and they bust their humps all day, every day. And it's not the money - my brother is happy to pay what he would anyone else as long as they're actually, you know, working. He claims that in 20 years the Mexicans will have taken over, and will deserve it. After all, as discussed in a post below, they've already taken over my armpits.
Cafe Nostra?
The caption under the picture of the
cafeteria workers in my high school yearbook:
V. Davis, D. Davis, D. Davis, S. Davis, K. Davis,
R. Davis, E. Davis, C. Davis
cafeteria workers in my high school yearbook:
V. Davis, D. Davis, D. Davis, S. Davis, K. Davis,
R. Davis, E. Davis, C. Davis
I Melt with You
“I Melt With You” is a funny song, isn’t it? Here’s a song that sold nothing when it came out on a British independent label 24 years ago, was never on regular radio, was only a small college radio hit…yet do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody who doesn’t know this song?
It was somehow the first what I guess you’d call “alternative” song we got a hold of in 6th or 7th grade. I don’t know how we got it or where it came from, but all of a sudden we had this song and the Violent Femmes first record. Someone must’ve had an older brother in college or something. It was the first time I realized there was real music out there, I didn’t hafta listen to whatever Culture Club ‘hits’ Richmond’s Q94 fed me. I was then lucky enough, along with a few friends, to find the Ramones and the Replacements and on and on and on. But it seems to have started with somehow, seemingly instantaneously, “I Melt with You” landing in someone’s Walkman. While most everybody else in my class stayed true to Q94, they still seemed to know “I Melt with You.” I believe it’s now called a new wave classic. This is fascinating to me. They probably originally printed only a few thousand copies, now you prolly hafta go to Mars to find someone who couldn’t sing this song on cue. I guess Valley Girl helped too.
Of course, I find the one guy in the world who needs to read a lyric sheet for this song.
It was somehow the first what I guess you’d call “alternative” song we got a hold of in 6th or 7th grade. I don’t know how we got it or where it came from, but all of a sudden we had this song and the Violent Femmes first record. Someone must’ve had an older brother in college or something. It was the first time I realized there was real music out there, I didn’t hafta listen to whatever Culture Club ‘hits’ Richmond’s Q94 fed me. I was then lucky enough, along with a few friends, to find the Ramones and the Replacements and on and on and on. But it seems to have started with somehow, seemingly instantaneously, “I Melt with You” landing in someone’s Walkman. While most everybody else in my class stayed true to Q94, they still seemed to know “I Melt with You.” I believe it’s now called a new wave classic. This is fascinating to me. They probably originally printed only a few thousand copies, now you prolly hafta go to Mars to find someone who couldn’t sing this song on cue. I guess Valley Girl helped too.
Of course, I find the one guy in the world who needs to read a lyric sheet for this song.
Oh Canada
Yesterday was cold and overcast, smelled like the first day of winter. Which I love. Today is kinda warm and wet and reeks of the first day of spring. Which I fucking hate. Thus begins my yearly rant re: "I'm moving to fucking Canada!!" I can't believe I haven't already. It's cold, dark, everyone's nice, there's no feelings of "if you don't invent Google you're a fucking loser", and it's cold and dark. Seems like I could rule the whole place on sheer personality. I'm not kidding anymore. Before I hit the big 4-0 I'm moving to the Great White North.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I Wanna Be an Old Man
Last Monday I was severely incapacitated with a hangover, so I laid in The Barber's bed and re-read "Pet Semetary." This was the last book I read as kid before getting off the Stephen King train back in the day. Anyways I found myself drifting away, dreaming about being the Old Man living across the road from the Creeds. It's always been my big dream - sit on a porch in the darkness (I mean down-home darkness, where you can't see your hand in front of your face) sipping on a cold beer while listening to a quiet broadcast of the ballgame on the radio. Two or three times an hour a car will go by in the distance. The fucking life for me, for sure.
Also, I can't wait til I'm old enough to insert "and" into the middle of years. Young people can't pull this off, can they? Only old people. I want the neighborhood kids running up pn the porch asking me to tell stories of the "glory days."
"When did you start playing football, Mr. Xmas?"
"Boy, my first year on varsity was way back in Nineteen hundred and eighty-seven. That was right before the bull-in-the-ring drill was outlawed, fucking pussies. Now get me a gotdam beer and get the hell outta here!"
I don't think I'm asking for too much, no?
Also, I can't wait til I'm old enough to insert "and" into the middle of years. Young people can't pull this off, can they? Only old people. I want the neighborhood kids running up pn the porch asking me to tell stories of the "glory days."
"When did you start playing football, Mr. Xmas?"
"Boy, my first year on varsity was way back in Nineteen hundred and eighty-seven. That was right before the bull-in-the-ring drill was outlawed, fucking pussies. Now get me a gotdam beer and get the hell outta here!"
I don't think I'm asking for too much, no?
Confession
If I go a day or two without deoderant, my pits start to smell like Taco Bell. I don't mean that in a general "dude, your pits smell like Taco Bell" way; I mean they LITERALLY smell as if I'm a walking, talking, probably-doing-way-more-chicks-than-I-should-be Taco Bell. Of course I'm caught between "this is incredible! I smell like Taco Bell!!" and "that's not normal, it's disgusting, get some fucking deoderant...tho technically yes, it is incredible." Taco Bell. Taco Smell.
Oh NO!!!
While patting myself on the back a while ago re: my new healthy lifestyle, a shiver of sheer panic shot through me as I realized oh my god - Thanksgiving is coming up! It's in 2 weeks, within my 30 days!!! I'm kicking off my weight-loss program 2 weeks before Thanksgiving; am I fucking crazy!?!?!?! what am I thinking, I can't fucking do this!! where do I get the ego?
Then I calm down and realize that #1, it's only one meal. It's the Thanksgiving Meal, not the Thanksgiving Season. #2, what do you eat at said meal? Turkey. Okay. Then it's all vegetables. Stuffing. Potatoes, peas, carrots whatever. There's no McDoanld's intermission, there's no cranberry-foo young. Hell, this is probably the healthiest meal I'll eat all year. Whew. Panic averted.
Then I calm down and realize that #1, it's only one meal. It's the Thanksgiving Meal, not the Thanksgiving Season. #2, what do you eat at said meal? Turkey. Okay. Then it's all vegetables. Stuffing. Potatoes, peas, carrots whatever. There's no McDoanld's intermission, there's no cranberry-foo young. Hell, this is probably the healthiest meal I'll eat all year. Whew. Panic averted.
Fatty McPhatterson
Some of you may recall that back in May I started a new life - exercise along with a severe change of eating habits. I immediately lost 25 pounds. I felt great, energetic and, more importantly, was fascinated to learn that I could eat like a normal person and actually survive - nay, thrive. I was psyched - on my way to my goal of being under 200 lbs, super-healthy and, obviously, beating the ladies off with a stick instead of merely beating off.
The my birthday hit. Well, I said, it's a special weekend, I'll indulge. Then it was a trip down south. Then it was the beach. I kept giving myself allowances til there I was, right where I was before I started my program - knee deep in egg foo young and beer, wondering why the fuck Neil Diamond was in the room. Depressing. I somehow haven't put ALL the weight back on, but I'm pretty much right back to where I was.
Changes today though. Going back to my program - all fruits and vegetables and chicken and working out every day. Gonna be a grind but gotta do it again. While I failed the first time, at least I know in my mind that it's at least POSSIBLE for me to do it; at least I can remember how good I felt during that stretch and try to get back to it.
FOR THE NEXT THIRTY DAYS I WILL NOT HAVE:
- fast food
- beer
- soda
- white bread
- chinese food
So there you have it. Wish me luck!
The my birthday hit. Well, I said, it's a special weekend, I'll indulge. Then it was a trip down south. Then it was the beach. I kept giving myself allowances til there I was, right where I was before I started my program - knee deep in egg foo young and beer, wondering why the fuck Neil Diamond was in the room. Depressing. I somehow haven't put ALL the weight back on, but I'm pretty much right back to where I was.
Changes today though. Going back to my program - all fruits and vegetables and chicken and working out every day. Gonna be a grind but gotta do it again. While I failed the first time, at least I know in my mind that it's at least POSSIBLE for me to do it; at least I can remember how good I felt during that stretch and try to get back to it.
FOR THE NEXT THIRTY DAYS I WILL NOT HAVE:
- fast food
- beer
- soda
- white bread
- chinese food
So there you have it. Wish me luck!
My Last A-Rod Post (I swear!!!)
So A-Rod opts out of his contract, and everybody goes apeshit about his disloyalty and what an ungrateful prick he is. He played here only four years, all during which he was reviled, never accepted by the fans, media, or the team itself and was blamed for every postseason failure, yet we are OUTRAGED!! at his lack of loyalty to the Yankees by not gleefully accepting whatever they will offer him. No loyalty!! we scream on the radio and in every paper. Now it turns out Pettitte and Posada have done the same thing. Now here are two "real" Yankees, there at the beginning of the dynasty, each with 4 rings. Key members of the great Yankee teams that have held the city's collective heart over the last decade plus. And here they are, doing what A-Rod has done, and nobody, NOT A SINGLE PERSON, is screaming about what douchebags they are. "Real" Yankees, we call them. Yet we don't mind if they're not "loyal" to the Yankees by daring to sniff around - no no, we only question and fume over A-Rod doing it. Posasa, in fact, is being APPLAUDED for really putting the squeeze on the Yanks, knowing they're desperate for a catcher and will hafta really back up the money truck for him. This, we don't seem to mind. What the fuck?
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