Not Makin Bacon

Another thing I can't do to save my life is fry bacon. Can't do it, and it's driving me crazy. Everyone else in the world "oh, you want some bacon?" and they throw some in a frying pan and in minutes it comes up the perfect mixture of crispy and chewy. Me, I put some in a frying pan and within two minutes one half of each strip is completely burnt to ashes, and the other half is raw and completely stuck to the pan. Rips to shreds when I try to take it off. Which of course is ironic, since people actually use bacon fat to make things, you know, NOT STICK in a fucking pan. Christ. So I always gotta microwave the shit. Which comes out great every time, but feels like I'm cheating. Like if I'm trying to please my lady in bed, and as I'm about to get her from behind I call in Ron Jeremy without her knowing it. She's fucked great and gets off, but I'm not particularly proud of what I've done. Though ironically both Ron and I are fat and greasy like bacon, so...that's something I guess.