XMASTIME: May 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pee Eye Zee Zee Ayy

Saw an empty pizza box in the hallway. You're gotdam right I looked inside. (empty)

Reading Make a Bloggah Wanna Hollah

THIS GUY wonders if reading great books makes you a better person, in particular, a "Jane Austen Education":

So while I thoroughly enjoyed "A Jane Austen Education," I didn't entirely buy it. Its narrative seemed constrained by the very American (and fairly puritanical) notion that culture proves its worth by demonstrating that it leads to self-improvement. This approach, at its worst, can make literature seem like some dull but nutritious foodstuff that must be dutifully chewed and swallowed, however little pleasure it may give. That's not why I read Jane Austen -- it's not even why I read "A Jane Austen Education" -- and I suspect it's not why Deresiewicz reads her, either. Something tells me that he has gotten a lot more out of those six novels than life lessons, and I'd like to read about that, too.

I definitely believe reading makes you smarter (duh) - nothing makes my brain turn to mush more than going for a stretch without reading something of substance. And I also believe reading fiction makes you more compassionate (as a recent study suggested.) But I'm also guessing that you can't read your way out of being an asshole, so.

Of course, while I loves me some Elizabeth Gaskell, you couldn't fucking pay me to read Austen, so I guess I'm an asshole.

Medical $kool

Why is medical school so expensive? Here we have high-achieving students (presumably) who want to have a career that by definition cares for and heals other people, and we reward them by making it as financially tough as possible. And then, loaded down with an exponentially heavier debt after finishing higher than a regular college graduate, we wonder why they want you to go for the superfluous tests that stick you for another $1900. I know school in general is expensive (my brilliant thoughts on the absurd costs of college HERE), but you'd think we'd figure out a way to make being a doctor more attractive to an EVEN BETTER level of student (the cream of the cream of the cream of the crop...mmmm, creamy!) while eliminating one more thing that may drive health costs up. - XMASTIME

This guy HERE, presumably a fan, agrees with me to the length of saying medical school should be free, thus ensuring more general practitioners.

Here's a photograph of a hot woman sitting on a dog.

My Latest Hit

I'm Jerkin' Off at the Office

I’m jerkin’ off at the office,
Can you believe that I’m doing this?
It’s the best part of being in business,
I beat my dick like I’m Peter Criss.

I’m jerkin’ off on the copier,
I’m like Joe but I’m even sloppier
My nuts are banging on the START button,
You better listen like they’re E. F. Hutton.

I’m jerkin’ off on the fax machine,
‘Bout to cum a blizzard like I’m Dairy Queen,
My hand’s a doctor and my dick’s the patient,
Can I get a SENT confirmation?

I’m jerkin’ off at the water cooler,
Come on over and bring a ruler
Measure every one of my inches,
My dick is bigger than Jane Lynch’s.

I’m jerkin’ off in your cubicle now,
Your screensaver is beautiful, wow!
Is that a photograph of your children?
Ah shit, I feel something building.

I just shot a load on your post-its,
It ain’t white-out it’s my jizz mimosas
Let’s head over to the daily meeting,
Then I’ll give my dick another beating.

I’m jerkin’ off at the office,
Can you believe that I’m doing this?
It’s the best part of being in business,
I beat my dick like I’m Peter Criss.

"What's Congreff?"

Heh heh heh. Take it from RERUN! :)

Born to Pour Some Sugar on Bruce

You know I loves me some Lady Gaga, and I do even more upon finding out she likes Bruce (and Clarence played on her record):

I’m actually really obsessed with Bruce Springsteen. My father used to play a lot of Bruce Springsteen records when I was a kid, and he was blue collar America. And in a way, I related to Bruce because I watched my father, a blue collar American citizen, relate to Bruce and I think that in a social way, my fans feel blue collar. They feel like they’re the underdogs that will someday be the winners. And I took the influence of Bruce on my father in my life to create this album. Lots of really big, almost big Def Leppard-style melodies in the choruses, but it’s electronic dance music. It’s very hard and very edgy, and I’m very excited for you to hear it."

Hmm. I'm not in love with the Def Leppard drop-in, although it does give me an excuse to link to an old classic.

UPDATE: I forgot about when they rocked together.

"Todd Palin: You're Fired!"

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

PBS is going to commercials:

The change will present obstacles to writers accustom to producing content watched in uninterrupted blocks, the kind of viewing many say is vital for in-depth documentary work like Frontline and dramas like Masterpiece Theatre. PBS’s Wilson said that some programs may be spared from commercial breaks, but that many producers will be forced to adapt.

Paragraphs

We've gone over final lines of novels HERE. I'm sure we've done the same with opening lines, and I'm sure Moby Dick's is always up there, and now TNC is saying that it's opening paragraph is the best paragraph ever.

Melville! Melville! Melville!!!!

Do not come to me with your drab and sorry works which I have not read. Melville desecrates their temples, steals their horses, and howls among the lamentation!

Do not come to me with your lectures on the tyranny of Dead, Straight White Male Writers. They're great! I love them all! Even Henry James's boring-ass!!

That's a tough one -other than opening or closing paragraphs, it's hard to even remember them in and of themselves. I wann say I'd choose one from my superslice PETER LEROY; in particular, the graf that starts with "The door was loose on it's hinges."

"Where Did President Franklin Sit?"

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

The one Sunday all goddam year we don't have a softball game, and some chick walks onto the field butt nekkid. Fucking christ. Thanks a lot, dead soldiers.

House of Carter

Nick Carter, formerly of some boy band, has lost 65 pounds:

“I freak out if I go a little too long without being in the gym. For a long time it was all about getting the weight off because I was 240 pounds at my heaviest, and now I’m around 175, so the majority of that weight loss was due to diet and exercise,” singer Nick Carter told FOX411’s Pop Tarts this week while promoting his new solo album “I'm Taking Off” which goes on sale in the USA on iTunes on May 24.

He also regrets his family's reality show, which is too bad because that show was fucking bananas.

Sad.

Alton Brown is one of my favorite guys on all of tv, not just the Food Channel, so I do not like this:

After 249 episodes, Good Eats is ending, reports the Chicago Tribune. Brown announced the news on Twitter:

G.E. fans, I've decided to cut the half hour series at 249 eps. There will be 3 new 1 hour eps this year and that's it. But mourn not. New things brew on the horizon..."good" things.
The show, which started in 1999, was always so good at combining food science, humor, and excellent recipes. While Food Network will continue to show reruns, the last new half-hour episode, which was on noodles (Episode 249 official title: "Use Your Noodle 5") aired last week.

Here's 60 facts about Alton Brown.

Grrr.

I'm fairly certain I'll never watch a second of this show, but just from the commercials I can safely say that I've never wanted to punch two fucking tv characters in the face as much as these two. Fucking noxious.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “Why the hell is Britney you're #1 Mrs. Xmastime?"

Sigh.

Update

I am working on the follow-up to my hit Short Stack, entitled Jackin' Off at the Office. I'll keep you posted. Thanks fans!

Hey, I've Got Two Nuts, So Why Not?

Ridin' Palin

People are giving Sniffy in the Sky with Diamonds shit for her Magical Mystery Tour, accusing her of using schmaltzy faux patriotism to whip stupid people into a frenzy for her to run for president, including a trip to Gettysburg. I think these people are missing the point - Palin didn't go there for her own interests, she went there to teach the American public about the most important battle in The War Southern States Pretend Wasn't About Being Allowed to Own Niggers. Personally, I think we should all thank the governor for reminding us of one of the greatest speeches of all time, The Gettysburg Address.

This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we are still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here, painted red, bubblin' with the blood of young boys. Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men. I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family. You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead. If we don't come together right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were. I don't care if you like each other of not, but you will respect each other. And maybe... I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men.

Hacking PBS

via Sully:

"Isn't hacking PBS' website like beating up the second weakest kid on the playground to prove 'you mean business'?" - a commenter at Huffington Post, on LulzSec's attack on the PBS website, because of a critical Frontline story on Wikileaks.

I would think the opposite to be true; if the insinuation is that PBS is the bird-chested, weak nerd, wouldn't that also imply that they're good with computers, and therein would have a more secure website than, say, ESPN?

It Ain't No Fun When the Rabbit Got the Gun

Yglesias on buyers remorse re: the slew of newly elected and hated GOP governors:

There are, in fact, recall drives afoot in at least some of these states. But despite these polls and those efforts, voters can’t generally stage a “do-over” on the election. The resulting conservative policy shifts — often notwithstanding the wishes of the voters — are part of the ongoing price the country is paying for the inadequacy of economic recovery measures adopted during the 110th Congress. Macroeconomic performance is the main driver of political outcomes, and, simply put, macroeconomic performance wasn’t good enough last year to stop the opposition party from sweeping into office despite an extreme agenda that voters don’t like once they see it.

I'm to lazy to look it up, but I've bitched about this on Xmastime ad nauseum. There's an entire bloc of voters who voted for Obama, and then got frustrated when he didn't deliver them puppies and rainbows on January 20, 2009. But instead of staying the course and insisting on pushing for a progressive agenda no matter how incremental, they said "oh, fuck it", which opened the door for watered-down, mildly effective compromises, allowing opponents to pounce "see, it failed!" This ushered in the austerity-loving governors who, after about 4 seconds in office, voters realized "oh, shit."

It's like demanding to fuck Angelina Jolie, and being told you'd hafta fuck Scarlett Johannsson for now while they worked on getting you up in Angelina's guts, and instead of fucking Scarlett's sweet tang you say “forget it, asshole!” and instead opt for being ass-raped by that monster Kardashian girl.

Ridin' Le Sniff

Joe McGinnis on the irony of Palin's outrage at the media coming after her kids, all while using them as political props:

Now, almost two years later, that poor Down Syndrome child is neither so photogenic nor so manageable, so he’s off (or under) the bus. So it’s Piper who has to fill in. Do you think that poor girl had a choice? Last summer, Sarah complained long and loud that I’d moved in next door because I wanted to peer at Piper through her bedroom window. Her hot-to-trot flunkies like Beck and Van Susteren made that slanderous accusation into a right-wing meme. The only time I saw Piper—I never laid eyes on her last summer—was at a Sarah book-signing at The Villages, Florida, just before Thanksgiving, 2009, when I reported on the event as part of my research for THE ROGUE. I was appalled to see the poor girl ushered up to a FOX News platform for makeup before Sarah brought her on camera during an interview with one of the Fox blondes about what a swell Thanksgiving they were all going to have.

Trig, at least, was too young and too Down to know how he was being used.

Piper was being taught to love it.

I will say this, what I said about Piper:

And the littlest one, Piper, should have her own show. That kid's got charisma, and you can practically see her giving Sniffy the finger every time she turns around. Both she and Willow don't seem to mind calling their mother out on her bullshit. And with other adults they seemed very quiet, respectful etc.

Of course, it turns out she does have her own reality show: "Please Elect My Mom President."

On one hand, I don't have a problem with her running Piper around, since it's certainly more interesting than whatever the hell I was doing at her age; which, if I recall correctly, was devising a way to network home computers by way of a hyper text markup language. On the other hand, it's yet another blatant hypocritical move on Sniffy's part, although who the hell cares, since the people who support her aren't interested in (ironically) reality, unless it's "reality" tv.

So, Apparently This Happened Yesterday

Manhattanhenge (sometimes referred to as the Manhattan Solstice) is a semiannual occurrence in which the setting sun aligns with the east–west streets of the main street grid in the borough of Manhattan in New York City. The term is derived from Stonehenge, at which the sun aligns with the stones on the solstices. It was coined in 2002 by Neil deGrasse Tyson, an astrophysicist at the American Museum of Natural History. It applies to those streets that follow the Commissioners' Plan of 1811, which laid out a grid offset 29.0 degrees from true east–west.

Bonus: I loves me some Neil deGrasse Tyson!!!!

Say What You Will About this Absurd Bus Tour Thing...

...but gotdam she looks hot as hell. Nom. Nom.. NOM!

LP

I saw this video over at Sully, and the most striking thing to me is how many people needed to look at their iPods to identify the song they were listening to, which, to me, is surprisingly closer to listening to the radio than a song you personally own and have chosen to play.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Bama Slamma'

Residents of an Alabama town ripped to shred by tornadoes are now finding out that FEMA trailers have been banned:

James Ruston's house was knocked off its foundation by tornadoes that barreled through town last month and is still uninhabitable. He thought help had finally arrived when a truck pulled up to his property with a mobile home from the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
Then he got the call: Single-wide mobile homes, like the FEMA one, are illegal in the city of Cordova.

The city's refusal to let homeless residents occupy temporary housing provided by FEMA has sparked outrage in this central Alabama town of 2,000, with angry citizens filling a meeting last week and circulating petitions to remove the man many blame for the decision, Mayor Jack Scott.

Why the anger? Isn't Alabama a bootstrap state? Don't they understand that unless you've been born rich and over-privileged, you should die? I'm sorry, but aren't these the people they've voted for year after year, in favor of less government intervention? Isn't not letting gay dudes get married more important than keeping your own house? Literally?

I can't help but notice that it's not the Soddam and Gommorah let's let fags run shit! states that are getting hit with the tornadoes/hurricanes et al, it's the opposite. So.

As Mick Jones once said, "Fuck 'em."

Good Deeds

NBA players have a rep for being millionaire thugs, so when something like THIS happens, it's great to be able to spread it around.

Former NBA Player and St. Louis native Larry Hughes and member of his foundation pumped free gas for the first 150 cars that pulled into the Quik Trip on North Hanley from 4:30 to 5:30pm Sunday afternoon.

Hughes also organized a gas giveaway earlier in the day at the Mobil Mart on Delmar in St. Louis.

I'm Googling the last time some Wall Street wunderkid bonu$ baby did the same.

Chasing Sniff.

Sniffy likes to claim the "lamestream media" is "out to get her!" Meanwhile, she's not telling anybody where her bus is going on this..."tour"? Whatever the fuck it is.

Now, if the media "hated" her like she wants you to think, they'd shrug and say "okay, fuck it" once they find out she's not telling anyone where she's going. Instead, they're playing right into her hands, to such an embarrassing degree that this is where we are:

Journalists stymied by her refusal to share her itinerary were combing highways for her brightly-painted bus and tweeting to each other under the hashtags "ChasingSarah" and "WheresPalin."

For fuck's sake. Palin is the dickhead, abusive boyfriend, and the media she claims hates her is the girlfriend that keeps fucking going back to him, trying to explain to all of her friends that know he's a douchebag "oh, but you don't know what he's like when we're alone."

My Greatest Achievement?

For one shining moment, I got a man who studied at Oxford University and Harvard to write "Sniffy" in referencing an ex-governor and vice-presidential candidate in the online version of a 150+ year-old magazine that first published such works as The Battle Hymn of the Republic and Letter from Birmingham Jail, among many others. Did I peak at 15 38?

Memorial Day

Never forget: me and AP Mike's shitfaced podcast.

Important News is Very Important

Why All the Fuss?

I never understood everyone's beef with Michael Jordan trying to play baseball. I thought it was pretty awesome that someone considered to be the greatest ever in his field of choice decided to try a completely different field, and with the entire world watching. And of all sports to pick, he picked the one that least depends on pure athleticism, you can't run or jump to first base without hitting the ball, and nothing in sports can be as humiliating as trying to hit a baseball. Sure he was probably gonna fail, but 99% of minor leaguers fail. And of course the purists squealed that he was taking the spot of some noble baseball player who had scrapped away his whole life, but camon. There's a zillion minor league teams; if you're that good they'll find you. And hell, looking at his stats now, I'm pretty shocked he did as well as he did (for a AA team, to boot.)

Xmastime Emergency TV Alert!

HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE
Disney Channel, 8pm! Right now!

Get your Xmastime Hannah Montana swerve on HERE.

My Bologna Has a First Name, It's "Paul Ryan is a fucking dickhead."

Last week I mentioned that Paul Ryan once drove the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, and I guess I have some horny, big-tittied fans at Oscar Meyer since "all of a sudden" they've overhauled their Weinermobile to look more like a regular food truck, presumably over their rightful embarrassment with being associated with Rep. Dickwad. Fucking hell. Does Paul Ryan have to fucking ruin EVERYthing?

So, You Say You're Single....

Oh, Eat a Fucking Dick Already.

YES, you're cuter than me. Fuck you.

More of these assholes HERE.

Memorial Day

Over at Mamalizza's I saw this new pic of Big Bear.

Since nobody likes me I haven't been invited to a barbecue and I've been sitting here all by myself all day, which is too sad to come up with new posts so I'm just using any excuse for retreading old shit, such as Big Bear flashing the peace sign reminds me of this old classic.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Me & Lil Bear Chllin! :)

Ohoh. Shark!!! I don’t appear as concerned as I would’ve thought. Well. The shark does have blond hair. And of course my nonchalance is all an act. “Christ,” I remember thinking “if they can get to Seacrest, they sure as shit can get my big ass…”

Here’s me waiting patiently for the attack while the shark does his stomach crunches and leg lifts. The fluffing part of the shark attack business, I guess.

Now the shark has lost a contact lens. This attack is going very slowly…ironically, I’m getting hungry.

Me & Lil Bear set to pose for the camera; I’ve shown him how to do the patented Xmastime “I’m #1!” finger. He does not look impressed.

“Hey asshole!! Around here, we do the two fingers!! Get it right!!!!”

Lil Bear wins, we do the two fingers. Apparently while I try to look like Fozzie Bear.

Thanks to Mamalizza for the pics! :)

Memorial Day

Since nobody likes me I haven't been invited to a barbeque, so I've spent the past 8 hours weatching shows on the Travel Channel and Cooking Channel about other people eating food and pretending to orgasm about it, which reminds me of what my style of a show would be:

Sunday, February 01, 2009
Man vs Food et al
One of the things that blows about the "Genial Schlubby Guy Goes around the Country to Find Great and Outrageous Food" genre of tv shows that have flooded the Food Network and Travel Channel et al is the inevitable visit to the kitchen, where the dude has to completely fucking go over the top with his effusive praise. The predicable swooning is cringe-worthy - we get it, Peter Luger's steak is great. Are you really that surprised? But no, we hafta get a falling down, gasping in shock "this is THE BEST ___________ EVER!!!!!!!" And even worse is that a lot of the cooks are black, so then incredibly white dude always feels the need to be "down homey" while over-effusing; I'm always surprised when they stop just short of "oooooh, make you wanna slap yo' mama, Junebug!!!!" Fucking christ.

I'd like a more toned down show; maybe something called The Mildly Impressed Guy.

Cook: So, how you like THAT??!
Me: Pretty good.
Cook: "Pretty good"?!?!
Me: Well, really good. Was a really good burger.
Cook: Oh.
Me: So. Well, I gotta run.
Cook: I...I'm sorry, I...
Me: hey hey, it's cool. Was a really good burger. Don't worry about it. Was fine.
Cook: "Fine."
Me: Now Loni Anderson...THAT was a good-lookin woman, right? Am I right?....okay, I'm out.

Order in Which I'd Hang Ballz on the Cast of Bridesmaids

Oh, Isn't He Just The BEST! (Who Came in Second Place?)

Memorial Day

This is Memorial Day, and today's BH 90210 was the one where Noah's father killed himself, which kicked off about 400 episodes of watching Noah stumble around wasted, blabbering about his dead father to anyone who will listen, ie the most cringing, embarrassingly shitty scenes ever on a show not named Boy Meets World. So on Memorial Day, we remember this from last April:

The last few years of Beverly Hills 90210 were pretty amazing, right? I mean, at some point it feels like the writers were just pushing every week to finally have the viewers say “okay, that’s it, I’m out,” right? And then every week they’d be like “what? They bought that shit? AGAIN?”

I recently had an email exchange with Drunken Dater about this, as follows.

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

ill say what needs to be said here. was Noah one of the most absurd characters ever on tv? goes to an AA meeting...of course, pulls out a flask!!! christ.

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

Ha! Noah’s such an idiot. Hey, are you naked? Right now I can’t stop thinking of you sitting in your chair, those big fucking hog balls that I love resting on the chair. wish i was there :(

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

his "spiral" is really one for the ages. if i had an intern, id make her timeline the whole thing. it's incredible.

but then, all of the characters' story arcs are ridiculous. each one seemingly breaking the record for "spellbindingly amazing scrapes with the law/every social moré possible" etc etc

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

They all becamse SO ridiculous. Hey, I’ve attached some pictures of me in that French maid outfit you told me to buy. Ooops!! I dropped the feather duster! (7 times)

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

right on schedule: David just found out he slept with a 17 year-old, so now we get the obligatory statutory rape arc. this within ten minutes of Kelly smuggling a battered wife and kid off away from her husband, Valerie trying to turn herself in for killing her father, Noah turning himself in for (another) drunken hit and run, and Matt the lawyer risking his law license to help out people he just met. no big whoop. oh yeah, and Kelly found out that Val ahd something to do with Brandon breaking off the wedding.

in other words, just another day.

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

If I can find another girl hot enough, would be into doing a threesome later on today?

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

and of course now Val, who knows everybody hates her, is upset because she's trying to put together Thanksgiving dinner despite the fact that everybody hates her and she KNOWS everybody hates her. oh, and David is right now confronting the mother of the girl he statutory raped.

ohoh - after hanging out in the hospital staring at the kid he killed in the drunken h&r, Noah's at the After Dark pounding bourbon!!!!!!!!

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

I remember that! Her whole thanksgiving thing was so freaking stupid. Sometimes at night I can’t sleep because I picture you in your room, in a tight pair of gym shorts (and nothing else) doing pushups.

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

of COURSE, her slut cousin/sister Gina is in town 4 minutes and sets it up to make Donna THINK she bangs him. because surely there is a reason to do this to Donna, except not here on planet Earth. although im sure later on she sleeps with him. and David. and dull Matt the lawyer.

oh look - the gang surprises Val by showing up for Thanksgiving, lugging in food!! because thats what you do with someone everybody hates, that hates everybody else, and everybody knows everybody hates her and she knows everybody hates her!!

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

My god – you, me, and Val in a hotel with a box of wine and a coupla sleeves of roofies? Jesus. That would be something. Im gonna go over to your building now and sleep on the steps so that when you get home you can bring me up to your room and have your way with me, throw me around the room like I’m a dog dropped on a trampoline. See you!!!!

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

ohoh...is this Val's sendoff? she's making a speech - she's leaving!! "no sappy goodbyes!" everyone looks sad. just as anybody would if the one person they hate is finally leaving after spending eyars making their lives miserable.

now I might be wrong, but my 90210 studies tell me that in a few moments who shows up at the door? Dylan!!! of course!!!!

Outer Space

We never seem to run out of insanely amazing photos of the Earth from outer space that are hard to believe are even real, and HERE'S A BUNCH MORE.

They See Me Rollin'...They Hatin'...

...no, seriously, they fucking hate me.

Memorial Day

So Sniffy Wiffy thinks so much of our veterans that she decides to show up at the Rolling Thunder event, therein making people forget about dead soldiers and instead focusing on her big day. What a brave, considerate thing for her to do! Now THAT'S an American to be celebrated! AND she wasn't even invited by Rolling Thunder - they didn't even WANT her there, but made a decision to soak up all the attention from the event so nobody would have to reflect on their dead relatives. It's called being P R E S I D E N T I A L!

AND (I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time typing, since I'm choking up at the very idea of such selfless patriotism), just to make sure she said the right thing, she made sure to take notes on her hand (unlike a certain somebody who'd be blocking all the other bikes with his fucking teleprompters.)

Today, I remember one great American, and only one.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

"No no, I Fucking Mean It - I Brought $50 in Singles for This Bullshit? Pack Up Your Tagalongs, and Your Thin Mints, and Get Your Deceitful Little Ass the FUCK Out of Here! "

Are You TRYING to Lose Black Voters?

It's basketball, not Cats!

Wah-Wha-Wha: Is the Guy on the Right Floating? WTf?

OOOOOH, Yeah: Fleet Week!

Ah Yes, That 31st Minute after Calling Dominos. We've All Been There, Mr. President.

Is It Just Me...

...or does "Black guy pretending that the White guy doing bunny ears is the funniest thing in the world" feel like a step backwards for the Civil Rights Movement?

Whoever's Doing the Insect Stuff at The Onion Has Been Killing It

Just like HERE last week.

XMASTIME EMERGENCY TV ALERT!

AIRPLAY: THE RISE AND FALL OF ROCK RADIO
On right now; check your local PBS joints.

D'oh

Earlier today I brought home a bag of potatoes and had commenced washing them when one fell to the floor and without thinking I said "oh, goddammit!" and threw it in the trash.

Something I Need to Learn

How to not drown my fucking vegetables in butter. Sigh. :(

Happy Birthday!

Today is JFK's birthday, which made me think of three things:

1) There have been more years from his death to the present as there were from his birth to his death.

2) How could it be I never noticed his intiials could stand for Just Fucking Kidding?

3) Were it not for one day in Dallas, there'd be a 94 year-old dude hobbling round getting more ass than me today. Dodged a bullet with that one, didn't I?

"That's not funny."

Today's Goal

Look a woman in the eye and, keeping a straight face, say "Here's my fart...please don't break it" while easing one out. Ha!

Memorial Day

Many, many times on Xmastime I've wondered about our paradox when it comes to the troops; our insistence that there is no more holy a duty than to proclaim our "support" of the troops while at the same time insisting they're locked in a series of never-ending wars (to the point that we've fooled ourselves into believing that questioning if they should one day come home "hurts their feelings" and therein morale), ripped away from their families for an unprecedented number of tours (including Reservists), re-electing Congressmen who gleefully cut their benefits every chance they get or use the troops' sexuality as a political weapon, and then not really wanting to be bothered to hear about it whenever someone points out the disturbingly steep incline of suicides. We go on and on, every jerkoff with a camera or Facebook account desperately trying to out-do each other in an effort to BREAK THE RECORD!!! for showing how much they love the troops, numbed to any thoughts of even asking is it really worth it?

THIS GUY, in an article pointing out how America screws it soldiers, does ask, and I for one think it's a very valid question:

By the time the last invoice gets paid, the total will be in the trillions. Is the money being well spent? Are we getting good value? Is it possible that some of the largesse showered on U.S. forces trying to pacify Kandahar could be better put to use in helping to rebuild Cleveland? Given the existing terms of the civil-military relationship, even to pose such questions is unseemly. For politicians sending soldiers into battle, generals presiding over long, drawn-out, inconclusive campaigns, and contractors reaping large profits as a consequence, this war-comes-first mentality is exceedingly agreeable.

One wonders how many of those serving in the ranks are taken in by this fraud. The relationship between American people and their military—we love you; do whatever you want—seems to work for everyone. Everyone, that is, except soldiers themselves. They face the prospect of war without foreseeable end.

Americans once believed war to be a great evil. Whenever possible, war was to be avoided. When circumstances made war unavoidable, Americans wanted peace swiftly restored.
Present-day Americans, few of them directly affected by events in Iraq or Afghanistan, find war tolerable. They accept it. Since 9/11, war has become normalcy. Peace has become an entirely theoretical construct. A report of G.I.s getting shot at, maimed, or killed is no longer something the average American gets exercised about. Rest assured that no such reports will interfere with plans for the long weekend that Memorial Day makes possible...In Washington, the benefits offered by war’s continuation easily outweigh any benefits to be gained by ending war. So why bother to try?...Here at last we come to the dirty little secret that underlines all the chatter about “supporting the troops.” The people in charge don’t really believe that the burdens borne by our soldiers will ever end and they are not really looking for ways to do so. As for the rest of us, well, we’re OK with that.

Remember THIS, America.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Curiously Erotic Logo du Jour

I was pricing Italian villas just now (don't even ask), and I came upon THIS SITE.

Boy. I thought the French were randy. Wait - wouldn't this be a better fit for Greece?

Wait. What?

"If you liked this post"? Really?