Things That Amaze Me

People used to write books before computers. Amazing to me.

It's Official: Meghan McCain is Better Than You.

Meghan McCain's riches-to-even-more-riches story of the American Dream is out today.

Way to go, McTitties!!

Logic. There is None.

Right-wing pundits are now jumping up and down demanding that it be seen as a given that George Bush's surge in 2007 is the reason for the "victory" in Iraq vis-a-vis Obama's ending military operations and withdrawing 100,000 troops from Iraq. And yet if Bush or McCain (or any GOP president) was in The White House, the troops wouldn't have been withdrawn. So there would never be a reason to point to the surge as a reason for victory. Obama's doing what the Right doesn't want him to do, and yet they're demanding credit for it. Interesting. Hey look, it's Mickey Mouse!

Xmastime Emergency TV Alert! CODE RED!!!!!!!

The CODY WEBSTER 30 on 30 is on ESPN right now!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: repeats at midnight!  :)

Academy Award Nominee

Other than pure entertainment value there's no reason to watch more than a minute or so of this video since it's the same idea over and over, but as I watch it two things come to mind:

1) This really puts into perspective how bad white America has it.

2) Whoever the guy going around interviewing people is is a saint compared to me. He respectfully nods his head and mostly doesn't counter them with a comment of his own; I'd last about one minute before getting my ass kicked since there's no way in hell I'd be able to keep a straight face and not be a smarmy douchebag. BEING Glenn Beck is something I could do; INTERVIEWING GLENN BECK FANS is not.

I Appear to Be Somewhat in a Mad Men Mood Today

Rolling Stone goes behind the scenes.

Awesome? Yes.

a la HERE.

Worlds Colliding

The kid at the end of Mad Men insisting on Don giving him a job instead of simply selling his line for an ad was incredibly reminscient of when Michael Scott turned down an offer from David Wallace to buy his "paper company" and instead demanded that he, Pam and the Temp be given jobs. My two slices, together at last!

I'm So Depressed

I'm coming up on one year since my last day as The Short Bus' Manny   :(

War is Over (If You Want It) (Even Though Nobody Really Wanted it in the First Place)

I guess today is the official end of the Iraq "War," and Obama is gonna give a speech about it on tv tonight. Thankfully TBS don't play that shit so I won't miss any of The Office reruns.

I don't care if he wants to pat himself on the back for holding true to his campaign promise and withdrawing 100,000 troops in an incredibly orderly and responsible manner. And I don't care if he wants to give props to Dubyanuts for starting the whole shebang in the first place. That's fine. I don't remember the Chicago firemen giving props to Mrs. O'Leary's cow, but it's "the right thing to do."

But one day people reading holograms or whatthefuckever will look back and be astonished to discover that we spent almost an entire decade, over a trillion dollars, thousands of lives, all to the detriment of our own domestic policies and infrastructure, so that someone like me who was close enough to hear the first plane hit the WTC feels neither more safe nor less safe than before 9/11. Not only is it laughable to presume that we are any closer to being 100% immune to a terrorist attack because we invaded Iraq, but the level of fear has escalated over that same time to such a degree that it has become politically smart and necessary to keep up the flames of fear (see no further than even as "the war is ending," people are being told to go insane about an Islamic community center, ie the oddly-named as being close to "Area 51" Park 51.)

In the meantime we've lost our moral ground throughout the world, fed radical terrorists' recruiting, and empowered Iran. Awesome.

So take all the victory laps you want. I'm one of the lucky ones; I'm not looking at a missing limb because of foolish and stupid men, nor do I really know anybody else close to me who is. I get to sit and bitch and moan about it here.

But looking back, John Kerry will be proven right for his "we should treat terrorism as a nuisance" quote. This whole clusterfuck was a waste of time, money, and lives. Hell, at least Vietnam had a better soundtrack.

In offering an olive branch to my readers who disagree with me about the war, now that it's over I give you this. You're welcome. Let the healing begin!

Keith Campbell in the Hizz-owze!!

Longtime Xmastime buddy Keith "The Ice Cream Truck" Campbell first became famous for scorching The Happy Scene record with his face-melting lead guitar work. Then he blew the roof off at the first ever Happy Scene show at The Continental with his bubbly fretwork (I will post that show soon as I convert it from smoke signal to mp3.) Then he upped the celebrity ante by remarking "can we pee on the floor?" the first time he walked into my loft to record the seminal late-90's track Joe Strummer, which of course became the Smells Like Teen Spirit of the 90s.

And now it turns out he's blowing up Europe with his amazing graphic design, and THIS SITE HERE is mooey impressed. Way to go, K-Rot!  :)

One of our favorite art directors, Keith Campbell, recently wrote us an update on his activities in Hamburg, Germany, where's he's been living and working since June 2006. Keith has been immersed in the world of German tabloid magazines, designing a series of titles that are jammed with color, photos, and type--think Us, Star, People, All You, etc. on mega-design steroids, with lots of photos of Heidi Klum. The covers are crazy, noisy, and chaotic, but also brilliant in their execution. We love what he's doing, even if it does hurt our eyes!

Here's an example of some of the great work Keef did back when he was in Los States.

Sniff sniff. Memories!!!

Certitude.

I'm very aware that at some point in this lifetime my entire political, philosophical or religious stances may change as much as 180 degrees. But I'm 100% certain that at no point between this moment and when they take me to the boneyard will I decide to get a nipple ring.

I Should Be Glenn Beck

I mentioned yesterday HERE the trouble I was having putting a finger on the abstract nothingness that seemed to be the Glenn Beck rally. I don't mean that as an insult, I mean the entire thing seemed to be followed by a collective "wait...what?" feeling.  In this op-ed Ross Douthat, hardly the lefty pinko commie Xmastime is, nails why I was having trouble finding anything to land on:

But whereas Obama wouldn’t have been Obama if he weren’t running for president, Beck’s packed, three-hour jamboree was floated entirely on patriotism and piety, with no “get thee to a voting booth” message. It blessed a particular way of life without burdening that blessing with the compromises of a campaign, or the disillusioning work of governance.

For a weekend, at least, Beck proved that he can conjure the thrill of a culture war without the costs of combat, and the solidarity of identity politics without any actual politics.

 Politics without the pesky business of actually having to do anything and getting mad benjamin$ to do it. Where do I sign up?

Strange Currencies

Ironically, these are often the same people that somehow trust the government when it comes to sending troops around to get shot at. No one’s been right for one minute in the last six years, everything has been proven to be a lie, but these people pop a hammy springing up “hold on, wait a minute, let’s give these guys a chance, let’s see what happens!!” Interesting. Blindly accept lie after lie and body parts in Hefty bags coming back, that’s okay, we need to trust the government then. But making it so that I can get a flu shot without blowing a coupla dudes out back, oh no no no, there’s no way we can trust the government then.

What about the fire departments? I know it’s not the federal government, but it’s local government, still publicly funded et al. If one of these people’s house is on fire, do they not call the local fire house? “Oh no don’t call them, I don’t trust the government! Call…Wayne. I guess.” It’s absurd. - XMASTIME

Some dude via Sully HERE:

For me, the strangest and most off-putting element of the day was the disjuncture between the anti-authority dimension of the rally - our leaders have disappointed us and must be called to account! - and the whole-hog deference to militarism - we need to thank our soldiers for following orders so honorably and self-sacrificingly. While there were plenty of wounded soldiers on the stage, there was absolutely zero discussion of why these guys were being sent overseas and whether we should expect the same pols who lie to us on domestic policy to be any better on foreign policy. 

People are funny. Hey, it's like a "professor" at my Almost Matters used to say: "That's the problem with people: they're only human.

This Sunday's Mad Men

Might have been my favorite episode ever.

All office stuff, just like I beg for every week. Tons of great Roger moments that the character was made for. Incredibly revealing and important flashbacks. Cosgrove's back in the mix to drive Pete crazy. And,. just when I thought I had no more itches to scratch, Duck makes an appearance and he's bombed. Don winning a Cleo on the same night as the Emmys is (insert whatever German word for synergy like that is.) This one will be tough to top.

Nice wrapup HERE.

Don's next move, he presumptuously shows up in the lobby of the office. Roger's been ignoring his messages and condescendingly acknowledges him, "Oh the fur guy, " but Don charms him, "weren't you trying to get a break once?" No, actually he wasn't because it was his father's company. But he still gives in and Don hits on his weakness--says he'll do anything to buy him a drink. They go out, they talk and drink, Don doesn't get anywhere. Strike two. But, aha, Roger gets so drunk that Don sees an opening. He puts him in a cab, and then shows up for work the next morning and tells Roger he hired him at lunch. "You said welcome aboard." He realized Roger was too drunk to remember not hiring him, so he pretends he did. Roger just looks confused and they get into the elevator together. And that's how the famous Don Draper got his start. How perfect. In true Don Draper fashion, it was self-created, made up, another lie.

Post Prolly Only The Gnat Will Care About Besides Me

About 12 years ago I went to see some band of a friend of mine, I can't even remember who, and the opening band was setting their shit up onstage, and one of them was a smoking hot blonde chick. And since this was back in the Dark Ages when I approached live women ands spoke to them, I walked up to her and blah blah blah, and asked her what she played in the band and she answered "vibes." I was blown away - I thought wow, this girl is so hot that her job in the band is to just stand around the room and spread around good vibes? I was smitten!

Of course once they started playing I realized that the vibes are an actual percussion instrument, so I felt like an idiot. Luckily, I did not get my snout up in her rim anyway.

Anyhoo, that band's name was Grand Champeen. I know or care nothing about them since that night, and have no idea if she's still in the band, but apparently the other night in Minneapolis they played an entire set of old Soul Asylum slices. It's a pretty amazing set list, certinaly one I would love to see Soul Asylum do themselves as it would blow the roof off the joint. Ah well.

You can download it HERE.

* - superslice
** -  super SUPER slice

01 All the Kings
02 Tied to the Tracks *
03 Closer to the Stars **
04 Easy Street *
05 Crashing Down **
06 Marionette *
07 Can't Go Back **
08 Sometime to Return **
09 Chains **
10 Broken Glass **
11 Sun Don't Shine
12 Stranger **
13 Long Way Home **
14 Spinnin' **
15 Never Really Been **
16 Standing in the Doorway
17 Nowhere to Go **
18 Made to be Broken *
19 Freaks **
20 Be On Your Way
21 Cartoon **
22 Heavy Rotation *
23/24 medley

They're Finally Naming Hurricane Correctly

Okay, "Earl" has some heft to it in the scary department.

Of course it's no Ike, but still affective.

Glenn Beck for President

I was away for the weekend so I missed the Glenn Beck rally in real time, and in looking back on it now via newspapers and websites et al it seems that just like my first time fucking an actual girl, whenever that might be, it's hard to wrap my head around any one thing that even vaguely makes cohesive sense. The utter contradictory nature of everything that was said leaves my mitts dangling an inch above my own keyboard. Obviously, the link to MLK is laughable (didn't he get shot while fighting for a union? I don't think that's something Glenn Beck would be high-fiving today, no? Unions are for Islamaliberatornon-Judeaofascistneo-libertarians, after all.)

Apparently America is the single greatest thing in the world. Worthy of weeping on television and dedicating one's life to.

And.

To even wonder if America needs to make changes to improve itself makes one a libelous traitor who hates America and, worse, is probably Muslim.

But.

Everything about America has to change within the next 12 hours, or we're going to find ourselves in the pits of hell. The real Hell, too.

And yet.

Part of that change needs to be accomplished by kicking what is by far the most productive and progressive Congress in over 60 years to the curb in favor of people who have been trained to not change the wallpaper, much less public policy. Ergo, ex post fatso, we need to stay in the pits of hell. This, despite what has to have been the most powerful minority governing body in the history of the world, save for Credence Clearwater Revival. And I'll be taking "ex post fatso" to the trademark office, motherscratchers!!!

Look, this isn't very complicated. I think of Glenn Beck the same way I do Sarah Palin: he's not stupid,  you are. He launched his own name and brand into the stratosphere this weekend, banking even MORE of your dollar$$$$, and yet ask anyone who went to Beckstock what his "solutions" really are, and you might as well ask a dog about the infield fly rule. Either way, somebody's eating shit.

Beck's solution, as far as I can tell, is "wait for God to take care of it." First of all, that hardly espouses the ol' "pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps!!!" modus operandi that Glenn Beck fans like to clamor on about - isn't this like patting yourself on the back for choosing Michael Jordan to be on your 2-on-2 team instead of your fat Aunt Doris, all while claiming to be some sort of scrappy upstart?

In theory, Glenn Beck would have you turn off  your irrigation system and do a rain dance instead. As an East-Coast elitist non-farmer I will say: good luck with that.

But the greater point is this: Beck and Beckites spend a lot of time screaming "I want my country back!!"

What does that even mean? Who took it? Where did it go? Who had it before? What's actually changed?

If you were filthy rich in 2008, things are still pretty sweet for you now. And actually they're even SWEETER for you, since now even the Supreme Court isn't pretending to not let insanely rich corporations rule the country.

You still have poor people fighting against the estate tax for you.
You still have poor people apoplectic about corporate tax rates being raised 3%.
You still have people of color harrassed by the police and redlined by the bank.
You still have poor people demanding their taxes not go to efficient public services.
You still have poor people demanding they not be able to unionize in the name of corporate profits.

And on, and on, and on. Matter of fact, the distance between you and the middle class has lengthened, so that's one more lap around the pool you can take! Don't worry, the good ol' boy network didn't get wiped away by Katrina!!

Comparing today's "angst"  to the American Revolution in terms of "no representation!!" is about one of the best jokes I've heard in a while. Rich, white Americans in 2010 are the best represented people in the history of the world. "Your country" hasn't gone anywhere, it's just gotten better. Brush your teeth with fois gras and rejoice!

The joke that Glenn Beck is playing is that he knows fully well that "his country" is not only still here, but getting better by the second. And he would be the first one to laugh at you for signing up for his bullshit.

Dont Mes wiht Texas

Longtime Xmastime good buddy and Texas Governor Rick Perry is now begrudgingly accepting federal money for his state's education budget, but is openly trying to figure out ways of not spending it on education. On the subject of Texas spending money to make it's citizens smarter, I believe I speak for 49 states when I say "hey, why start now?"

Viva la Vida

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Let me know where the Penis Removal Station is, since today I found myself, for the very first time ever, liking a Coldplay song. Life as I know it is over, and my move to England cannot come any sooner.

There's something Lisa Lisa Cult Jam + Life in a Northern Town + some of my favorite late 60's beach songs about it.


Christ. I knew I was getting old. I just didn't know I was getting THIS old.

Gee. Who Could've Possibly Seen This Coming?

Gleeful

I didn't watch the Emmy's, although I don't think I ever have anyways, nor did I really know they were even on, or cared, but as well as realizing that my two super-sliciest of super-slices Mad Men and Modern Family got some mad props, I see that the intro was a bunch of youngsters blowing up Born to Run. Nice.

That sound you hear? Bruce hauling another sackload of cash to the bank!  :)

Time

Yesterday we were driving down the highway and Brothatime!! pointed out "hey, there's the Watch & Clock Museum." I said something stupid in reply, something like when they're open and closed, but the second I started talking I KNEW I should've gone with "I wonder what their hours are?"  Dammit!!!!!  But by then it was too late, and Paddy Mac was already looking at his comedy mentor somewhat askance. Sigh.

Watchu Wan for To Dwink?

For some reason I've spent the last hour obsessed about Joy Garden, the first Chinese restaurant I ever went to as a kid, where I'd drive my parents crazy by ordering a hamburger.  Finally after following Brothatime!!'s example I took my first bite of egg foo young, and a life-long love affair was begun. It might be the last of a dying breed, the Chinese restaurant that you dress up to go too and they serve huge vats of crazy Hawaiian drinks for like $1.25, you can feed a family of 9 for something like 3 bucks, and they serve hot tea for no apparent reason.

Anyways, thinking about Joy Garden made me think of THIS.

Memories!  :)

Goals. I Have Them.

I feel like I should audition for the next American Idol. How have I not already thought of this?

Now....what would I sing....


UPDATE: Obviously, there's only one song I should even consider.

Not Good.

Letting a big fart rip in the elevator, just before the door opens to reveal your office crush waiting to get on.

Overlooked Show from the Mid-90's That Was Actually Pretty Funny

Brotherly Love

The middle kid was hilarious.

Meow, Bitches

Mostly, Britain's "hey, it's just a cat" woman reminds me of this guy from my hometown named Tommy who in the middle of a phone conversation said "hold on a second," pulled out a gun, shot his cat as it was walking across the kitchen floor, and then picked right up where he had left off in the conversation.

I don't even know if that actually happened, but it's one of those "I'm telling it anyway" stories  :)

Tweet Tweet

In my hometown "newspaper" there's always been a little section called "Desha News," written by some seemingly 200 year-old woman who would let us in on the details of her life with such thrilling insights as "....after church James and I went to the Belfields...their chrysanthemums are coming along nicely..."

We always made fun of this shit, but I guess it was actually an early form of social networking.

 

Super-Slice Melody I Wish I Had Come Up With

Don't worry, I'll figure out how to steal it   ;)

Censors. They Make Perfect Sense..

I'm watching an episode of Cheers on the Hallmark Channel, which I assume is some sort of "family channel." And I can't help but notice that even though it's 1:30 in the morning they feel the need to bleep the word "ass," and yet they don't mind showing Sam actually slapping Diane in the face. That's interesting.

Almost as interesting as TBS feeling the need to bleep out curse words, but not the word "n---er"...ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

Regrets.

Watching the amazing HBO doc Do You Believe in Miracles? for the 342nd time tonight reminded me of how depressed I am that I haven't seen Little Eruption! in weeks  :(

Ah well. Next week buddy [it's a Paddy Mac weekend coming up!  :) ]

Sigh. These are the Times I Really Miss Home.

the 2nd Essex county tea party meeting is tonight at 7 p.m. at rivahside cafe in tappahannock on prince strreet

Xmastime Emerrgency TV Alert!!! CODE RED!!

On Jimmy Kimmel tonight: Xmastime Hall of Famers Gordon Ramsay and Sofia Vergara!

The Truth. It Hurts.

Slices du Liverpool

Rolling Stone has put together it's 100 Greatest Beatles Songs Ever list, and here's the top ten:

1. "A Day in the Life"
2. "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
3. "Strawberry Fields Forever"
4. "Yesterday"
5. "In My Life"
6. "Something"
7. "Hey Jude"
8. "Let It Be"
9. "Come Together"
10. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

I'm fine with this list except for Come Together, which is by far the most overrated Beatles classic. Ugh. What a piece of crap.

My own most recent list HERE.

Most Surprising Thing I Learned Today

Chuck Berry has an iPhone.

The Piew

Apparently they're thinking about putting together a men's version of The View:

The newspaper reports that Walters and partner Bill Geddie are "quietly developing a 'unisex' spinoff of 'The View' that will attempt to inject a male perspective into the topics of the day."
Walters and Geddie are reportedly eyeing Bryant Gumbel to moderate the show; other potential show hosts include "Ugly Betty" actor Alec Mapa, former Fox News host E.D. Hill, and ex-BET News anchor Jacque Reid.

 I need to be on this show!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for months now I've thought about how I could weasel my way into being on the show - I think a dude like me would be a perfect regular on the show. Just smart enough to know what to say, just dumb enough to ask the right questions re: being a woman et al. I'd be great!!!!

But it prolly won't happen. Now my dream is to film a man's The View every day. Not that lameass Bonnaduce/AC Slater show from years back. We'll talk current events, food, and what the fuck is up with women. Some sports, but that's too obvious. We'll lay it all out every day re: what it's like being a man today. This will prolly have to include a daily report on my nose hairs, which I am currently tripping over.

So. I just need a volunteer out there to fund the whole thing. We can film it at my "office" - hey, Short Bus can be a part of every show!! I'll supply the dudes, you supply the salaries/equipment/interns et al.

Let's do this!!

Interesting Question

And yes, I know that questioning how people would react if racial roles were reveresed is worse than actually being racist, so save the comments unless you have something remotely interesting to add.

Here's fizzychizzy from the comments on YouTube:

I think people fail to realize that this song isn't about the Tea Party necessarily being racist. it is a testimony to how their outlandish remarks and actions are accepted. if a large group of black people acted like the members of the tea party, they would be arrested immediately. Could you imagine a group politicians having to walk through a crowd of loud angry black people yelling at them because they passed a law they didn't like? there is a double standard.

Mukluks: GodIHateYourWhitePeople

80's Movie Song Face-off

Flashdance vs. Gloria

Satan. He's About to Win.

What the...What the Fuck?

see more Señor Gif

I'm Outta Here!

Two weeks ago HERE I mentioned that I am destined to live in Europe. as my natural disposition does not lend itself to succeeding in the US rat race that prides itself on hard work for hard work sake's despite it being potentially being counter-productive. And now I see there's a book entitled Were You Born on the Wrong Continent?, to which I'd answer "yes," although Germany is not on my list of dream European countries (sorry K-rot!)

Despite the numbers, social democracy really does work and delivers the goods and it’s the only model that an advanced country can do to be competitive in this world. I mean that not just in terms of exports, but in terms of being green at the same time. That we can raise the standard of living without boiling the planet shows how our measure of GDP is so crude.

Also, these are in England.

Okay, Now I Do Miss Him.

Heidi No Longer Interested in Being Useful at All

Funny Cause It's True

a lá HERE.

Perfect Storm

The dad from The Wonder Years + All-time Mrs. Xmastime Judith Light + Vince Lombardi?

ON BROADWAY!!!????



Mukluks: GodIHateYourXmastime

The Economy.

It's finally hit Theodore.  Tough to watch.

"At least I'm dancing for women, you fucking faggots!!!"

Happy Birfday

Chronic Town turns 28 today.

College-rock fixture-to-be R.E.M. released its landmark debut EP, the five-track Chronic Town, 28 years ago today, and to commemorate the anniversary, we present, below, alternate takes of four songs recorded and considered for inclusion on the EP: a faster version of “Wolves, Lower”; “Carnival of Sorts (Box Cars)” with different vocals and no fadeout; and “Shaking Through,” featuring an organ in the mix; and an early version of “Ages of You,” all courtesy of YouTube user REMchout, who has posted a sizable collection of vintage R.E.M.

Sure it’s only five tracks, but for such an influential band and release, it’s a crime that Chronic Town still doesn’t have a standalone CD release; while it initially came out on vinyl and cassette — and was reissued earlier this year on blue vinyl — the EP remains available on CD only as part of the 1987 odds ‘n’ sods collection Dead Letter Office. 

Maybe The Gnat remembers it differently, but I can't say we spent a lot of time on this one in high school. Certainly not as obsessed as I was with Murmer. But it's still an all-time ep for sure.

Promised Land

I've blown up Chuck's Promised Land several times on Xmastime, and today on Mental Floss they give us several versions of it, including a cover by Meat Loaf that includes him inexplicably playing guitar.  Must say, I dig the Johnnie Allan one.

The Voice of Reason

Some people will blame things like this cab driver getting stabbed for being Muslim or this right-wing militia rallying around "Burn a Quran Day" on the Right's willingness to turn the other cheek (JUST like a certain Jewish carpenter with rockin' abs we all love!) and remaining silent amongst such things even when their own ideals are attached, bravely trading hate-mongering and racism for votes in important primaries. As if the number of times we were attacked on 9/11 outnumbering the number of those on the Right being willing to step up and say "hey, this shit's insane, shut the fuck up" actually means anything. Of course such thinking is absurd; BEING racist and ACTING racist and ENCOURAGING OTHERS TO BE RACIST does not MAKE someone a racist!  I mean, look at Glenn Beck - sure he doesn't have any black friends, but he's leading a march on DC on the same day MLK delivered his "I have a dream" speech. What have you done to honor MLK? Hell, I WISH I had come up with the "kill four more so we can get the whole week off" joke, but I didn't.

Quit this shit of trying to point out that the Right's continuing to allow things to go on or even championing them somehow makes them complicit. Obviously they're hyper-focused on important things, like reducing the deficit by adding another $830B to it. These are noble people, and the very Jefferson they claim to emulate even though he would be horrified to be on the same planet as them is surely spinning in his grave with pride at their determination to, just as they did when we had white presidents ('the good ol' days"), be the adults. And hell, he went from nothing to owning dry cleaning shops in Manhattan!!!!

If You've Ever Wondered...

who would play the old lady in the movie version of this, here's your answer.

Hmm. I Guess He'd Rather Clown Around Than Fight for Our Freedom. Interesting.

If I Had Any Guts

My new diet plan:

Each of the 33 miners trapped a half-mile underground lived on two spoonfuls of tuna, a sip of milk, a bite of crackers and a morsel of peaches. Every other day. 

I'd use this as an excuse and guideline for solidarity and losing the weight I've been claiming I'm gonna lose. But I won't.

Anyway, here's some awesome titties.

Croissants

As I mentioned HERE I've spent most of my life looking for a great croissant that can hold a candle to my first; so far the best one in NYC I've found is at a BP gas station in Bushwick. So I'll be VERY interested in seeing how this poll turns out.

Great croissants are like love, eh? You never forget your first. Sigh.






I was gonna say something "funny" there, like "no matter how tiny their titties are," but I'm taking the high road with this one. You're welcome, America.

I'm Expecting a Full Report from illWill

Denver's 10 Best Burger Joints. aka "Burgers white people like."

An Oldie But a Goodie

Fireside w/XMASTIME - watch more funny videos

"Jesus, Gotta Let Me Testify! Hot Damn, Hear Me Lord!!"

Nonsense

The $300 fee Philly is banging bloggers on has me scratching my head. Sure, if someone makes $$$$ on his or her blog they hafta pay income tax on it, that goes without saying. But most bloggers don't make a penny even if they try; in general their blogs are nothing more than a hobby. If they somehow generate revenue through ads or whatever great, if not, that doesn't stop anyone from blogging. I have yet to meet anyone who stopped blogging because the checks weren't large enough. Once the inevitable "jerking off to Good Housekeeping" fee kicks in, I'm screwed.

And to compare starting  a blog to "any other business" is wrong since a business is set up for the sole purpose of generating revenue; when they STOP collecting money, they shut down.


Matter of fact, even the person clicking through that generates any revenue isn't the person that's actually PAYING the revenue, it's the people that set up the ads. So on top of paying for my cable service, I guess I should be charged $350 for the right to watch tv that might contain advertising as well?

In the meantime, I would think Philadelphia would be more than happy to have as many people as possible writing blogs every day about things to go out and blow money on in Philadelphia.

Today's Smell That Seems Out of Place in an Office Setting

Urinal cake and brown sugar. I mean, wtf?

Whitney Cummings is Not Funny

I year ago I wrote HERE:

Now there are SOME women who ARE funny, but there is always a ratio re: how funny they are to how hot they are to how willing we are watch them. The hotter the chick is, the more willing we are to watch her try to be funny; the less hot she is, the funnier she actually has to be, or we will click away. The best example is of course Rosanne, who was SO funny we were able to overlook her looking like Andre the Giant with a fatsuit on. Somewhere in the middle of things would be someone like Chelsea Handler, who is JUST sexy enough and JUST funny enough to hold our attention for a while (particularly if her guest is hot) despite not being REALLY hot or REALLY funny. Then there is Alexa Chung - so hot I've given her twenty minutes, but so unfunny she is now, and will forever be, unwatchable.

There is now a new embodiment of this phenomenon, and her name is Whitney Cummings. She's so smoking hot I sat through the entire hour of her Comedy Central stand-up special the other night waiting for her to say something remotely funny. She didn't. But because she's so hot I found myself rooting her on, desperately pleading to the Comedy Central gods "please, oh PLEASE let this next joke be funny." When there was like 2 minutes left in the hour I was still thinking "okay, if this last 2 minutes is funny, it's a save!" Nope. Nothing.

Meanwhile Liza Lampanelli can reel off ten minutes of laugh-out-loud, gut-busting stuff, and if she flubs one joke it's "oh, fuck this unfunny beeyotch."

Hey, life isn't fair.

Of course, this is the photo on her website, which probably tells us exactly how funny she thinks she has to be to get our attention.

Sigh. I Used to Be Funny. :(

Moi ICI:

One Sunday dinner my mother made a country ham as well as the usual roast beef or chicken - I don’t know why, I guess she was thinking “the boys should really eat more meat. Maybe I’ll ease them into it with a 12-lb ham. Hey, I should invent a diet where people only eat meat…call it the Fatkins Diet!” Somehow the ham made it through the meal virtually untouched – I vaguely remember our family having a rousing discussion on the possible ramifications of the upcoming Jupiter Effect; my brother believing the gravitational effect of the other planets on the Earth's crust may be minimal even at their closest approach, and me patting myself on the back the rest of the meal for coming up with claiming my brother was a victim of The Stupider Effect…which got no laughs, but showed an early proclivity for being able to perform in front of different kinds of meats.

"Fatkins"!!  hahahaha!! I'm cracking myself up over here.  Dying.

BBQ

THIS GUY HERE is in search of the country's best  BBQ. I'm a dry-rub man, and my own list is simple:


1) The Rendezvous
2) The Parsley Thief
3) that shoulder we diced and pulled at Fallfest 2007 (that Brothatime! unfortunately "slept" through ha ha ha)

Bueller?

I had a dream last night that Ben Stein died. So if it he died today I'll feel bad. Although wildly impressed with myself (more so than usual, that is.)

Very Helpful

This guy is thoughtfully giving out advice for those baffled and stupid enough to be duped into coming to DC for Glenn Beck's March on Washington. In particular, he's pointing out that non-white people in the area's sole reason for living is to kill all Americans who get on certain Metro trains. A simple "thank you" to this gentleman is surely appreciated, although hopefully any Tea Baggers in attendance won't gripe about the Metro's service this time.

As a side note, it's set on the 47th anniversary of MLK's "I have a dream" speech, which of course means those MLK/Glenn Beck comparisons are gonna be even more rampant than usual.

IASIP

Besides THIS GUY, another thing that's great about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is that the chick is KINDA hot. She's just hot enough that you'd be very pleased to bang her, but not so hot that you think it's not possible.

Life. It Makes Even Less Sense Than You Thought.

"Shut Up, Grandma! You're Fucking Nuts!"

Funny and True

Neil deGrasse Tyson, my guy.

Now This is Funny

Gonna Fly Now

I've been going to their shows for 10 years, but nothing gets me more excited than when Marah plays the theme from Rocky. I spend the hour before the show wondering "ooooooh, are they gonna play Rocky? Are they gonna play Rocky??!?!" and then the first hour of the show thinking "I can't believe they opened with Rocky!!  Wasn't that awesome?!?!?!?!"

I am a simple man.



And here's audio proof of the only time I've ever willingly fetched someone a beer  ;)



Enjoy the entire show HERE.

Approved!

Titties I Like

A while ago Bo The Bailer threatened to release photos of his girlfriend after she dumped him, presumably at least partly because he moved out of the way of a foul ball so that it could hit her, and it looks like she has launched a pre-emptive strike by putting out some semi-nekkid pics herself.

I'll be honest. She's not really hot, but I would stand in front of a foul ball to save those titties. Nice.

I Need a Dog

Just so I can call him "Barkley." He'd help me bag chicks; between me telling them they have nice titties and Barkley turning on the charm, I'd be irresistible.

Lightning 13

Moi on Apollo 13 ici:

I understand that 13 comes after 12, so that's just what the next number was. And I understand that of all people, engineers are not a superstitious bunch. But actually launching the thing at 13:13 and having it enter the moon's gravitational pull on the 13th was kinda asking for it, no?

And then there's this poor bastard:

In August 2010, a British teenager proved Friday the 13th can be specially unlucky. At exactly 13:13 on the much-feared date, the teenager was among a crowd of 170,000 people watching an aeronautical display at the Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival, in the east of England, when all of the sudden, he was struck by lightning. "It's all a bit strange that (...) it happened at 13:13 on Friday 13" said the paramedic. Luckily, he only suffered minor burns and is expected to make a full recovery.

The teen was... 13 years old.

 

More A League of Their Own

"There's no crying in baseball" is the movie's most famous line, but to me it's just one of several great bits in the scene. The Rogers Hornsby line is laugh-out-loud funny, and my favorite is when he faux-innocently asks "Evelyn, can I talk to you? Do you have a minute?"

Also, sometimes I think the scene near the end of the flick when he's choking and shaking, barely trying to control himself from screaming at her again when saying that hitting the cut-off man is "something you might wanna work on in the off-season" is even funnier. Dying.

I'm Single. She's Single. This Isn't Complicated.

Ernie Capadino

There's a million things that are great about A League of Their Own, and one of those things is Jon Lovitz' turn as the scout that finds Dottie & Kit. This has to be one of the all-time great extended cameos, no? It's almost impossible to pick out which line of his is my favorite, but right now it's "Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it."

Ha!

Suicide and My Should-Be Reality Hit

Yesterday I was joking with Watty about my should be reality-show hit "Hey, It Could Be Worse - You Could Be Me," and I thought of it again when I heard about some dude from some band killing himself with quite a splash (kudos!) I wonder if, as I wrote HERE, I could've saved the guy by having my own suicide hotline?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Suicide Should Be My Gig!

Watching this stupid episode of Beverly Hills, I realized what a great suicide line worker I’d be. I mean, who the hell else would you rather talk to when you wanna feel good about yourself?

XMASTIME: Hotline, what’s your name?
CALLER: Hi, I'm…Brian.
XMASTIME: Hi Brian. How we doing?
CALLER: Not so good…not good at all…everything’s bad…
XMASTIME:Talk to me.
CALLER: Well. I haven’t hooked up with a girl in like 2 months.
XMASTIME:Really.
CALLER: Yeah…hey, this is anonymous, right? You know my name’s not really Brian, right? Cause I’m embarrassed.
XMASTIME:Brian, I haven’t gotten laid in three years.
CALLER: What the…what?
XMASTIME:That’s right. And she was a drunk Chinese slut, so lord knows what’ll happen to me.
CALLER: Oh my god. Three years?
XMASTIME: I lied, Brian. Five years.
CALLER: Jesus Christ. I’d freakin die.
XMASTIME:Well, not on the phone I hope.
CALLER: And it’s just that…my girlfriend, I dunno, Sometimes she bugs me. Wants to be with me all the time.
XMASTIME:Really. Hmm. Sounds tough.
CALLER: Right? Sometimes I just wanna hang out with the guys!
XMASTIME:How old are you Brian?
CALLER: 23.
XMASTIME:Okay. The last time I had a girlfriend, you were 10.
CALLER: What the…really?
XMASTIME:That’s right. Know what I’ve done every day and night since?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME:“Hung out with the guys.” Know what I’d like?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME: Some chick who wants me to be with her all the time.
CALLER: Jesus. That’s right. You’re so right.
XMASTIME:How’s the job front going Bri?
CALLER: Oh, it’s okay. Boring; I’m in line for a promotion and raise, but sometimes I wonder if selling out for some big corporation is what I really wanna be doing.
XMASTIME:Hmm. Sounds rough.
CALLER: Dude. You don’t wanna know.
XMASTIME:Actually I would Bri. I don’t have a job. Matter of fact, as I’m on the phone with you I’m trying to see if I can string this suicide line job out to 8 lines on my resume.
CALLER: Really? Jesus.
XMASTIME:That’s right. What’s this, Wednesday?
CALLER: Uh huh.
XMASTIME:Cool. Wednesdays are the nights I extend my Prell shampoo with water.
CALLER: Oh my god.
XMASTIME:If I’m feeling randy enough, knock out broken glass/urine cleanup in my room.
CALLER: I…uh…
XMASTIME:That way I can spend tomorrow night wondering if I’m gonna drop dead from a heart attack.
CALLER: Ummm….
XMASTIME:Anyways, you were saying something about being despressed?
CALLER: Well, yeah, but…
XMASTIME:I’m listening.
CALLER: Hey, look…I gotta go, I’m gonna pop in and surprise my girl
XMASTIME:You sure? I got time to talk, Brian. Murder She Wrote isn’t on for another hour.
CALLER: oh, jesus. I’m…I’m gonna go. Thanks for your help…
XMASTIME:You got it Bri!
CALLER: Actually…thanks a LOT…
XMASTIME:Good luck, Brian.
CALLER: Thanks man,
XMASTIME:Keep me in mind if anything opens up at your office!

In Aniston's Defense, I Actually Like Five of These Flicks

And how the FUCK did Bruce Almighty make $242M? Are you shitting me?

To her credit, I would still totally hit that shit so hard it stays hit.

4 Months? Are You Shitting Me?

Miners in Chile:

Tubes packed with flashlights, water and oxygen were being sent Monday morning to 33 Chilean miners trapped for nearly three weeks in an underground shelter, said national Mining Minister Laurence Golborne.


Officials learned Sunday that the miners had survived 18 days after a cave-in trapped them more than 2,300 feet underground.

It could take four months to rescue the workers, officials said. But the miners' health will take priority over rescue-and-removal efforts, Golborne said at a news conference at the disaster site in northern Chile.

I say tell Heidi one of them's a plastic surgeon, she'll go get 'em.

BOOM!!

College Schmollege

Most of you have my COLLEGE FRUITION post, wherein I lambast colleges as simply 4-year babysitting stopovers that in many cases offer little if any value, printed out and pasted on your walls; and now HERE'S AN ARTICLE agreeing about colleges being dropout factories that are more interested in simply taking as much money as possible than anything else.

But hey, they can't all be the Harvard on the Appomattox, can they?

Photo du Jour

From MESSENGER, the most awkward "boy, are we trying to make an acronym here" acronym of all time:

Of Interest: In the lower left portion of this image, the Earth can be seen, as well as the much smaller Moon to Earth's right. When MESSENGER took this image, a distance of 183 million kilometers (114 million miles) separated the spacecraft and Earth. To provide context for this distance, the average separation between the Earth and the Sun is about 150 million kilometers (93 million miles). Though it is a beautiful, thought-provoking picture, viewing our planet from far away was not the main reason that the mission team planned the collection of this image. Instead, this image was acquired as part of MESSENGER's campaign to search for vulcanoids, small rocky objects that have been postulated to exist in orbits between Mercury and the Sun. Though no vulcanoids have yet been detected, the MESSENGER spacecraft is in a unique position to look for smaller and fainter vulcanoids than has ever before been possible. MESSENGER's vulcanoid searches occur near perihelion passages, when the spacecraft's orbit brings it closest to the Sun. Today is another such perihelion, and MESSENGER is taking a new set of images to search for tiny asteroids lurking close to the Sun.

Super Slice That I've Completely Taken for Granted

I Love Sinbad

Marley Quote du Jour

Obama is made out of cotton candy (but he's too proud to pick at himself - get it?) 

from HERE  

Good News

America might finally be looking out from under the rock of 1958 and is turning a corner on high speed rail.

Panyanouvong said he loves the idea of jumping on a train, turning on his computer and getting some work done on his way to Tampa, "without having to worry about traffic or driving." 

But the idea is much bigger than convenience, say supporters, who believe high-speed intercity rail will cut U.S. dependence on foreign oil, reduce climate-changing pollution and fatten wallets by triggering economic development.

Funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, these new dollars represent a historic investment in the country's transportation infrastructure. It will help create jobs and transform travel in America, according to a U.S. Department of Transportation official.

While boosting the economy with tons of news jobs, decreasing pollution and making for the possibility of putting a dent into our annual loss of 50,000 lives from car crashes will send us spiraling down a path towards becoming Euro-fags therein meaning Obama has declared victory in his desperate achings to destroy freedom as we know it (and killing more fetuses!), I think this is great news.

Say Goodbye to Your Sunday

Excerpts from the Annals of Everyday Life