Moving.

Every time I've ever moved to a new city I've thrown my hands in the air re: how the hell I'm ever gonna learn the new tv channels goddammit, it's impossible, I'll never get the hang of them etc etc, and of course by Day 3 I can't wrap my head around the concept of the channels ever having been anything different than what they currently are.

Catchers/Umpires

Via HERE;

Martin said the initial refusal came in the second inning, then continued all night during the Yankees' 6-5 win over the Angels.
"Even at the end of the game, after I got hit in the neck, I'm like, 'Can I throw the ball back now?'" Martin said. "He's still like, 'No.' ... Unbelievable."

Martin said he likes throwing the ball back to the pitcher to keep his arm warmed up, especially if there are runners on base during a tight game. Despite repeated requests, Diaz declined to hand the ball to Martin, throwing it back to the mound himself.

This should hopefully put us that much closer to my dream movie re: umpires/catchers!

No matter how many decades I may be a fan of baseball, every once in a while I'm shocked to be reminded of the intimacy between an umpire and catcher. Nine innings, literally hovering over the catchers shoulder, game after game, all season long. A subtle flow of communication played out over the months. How has no one turned this into a sitcom or movie? 

How is this shit not a documentary?!?!?

Too Sad.

Over the years, including HERE, I've yammered about how much I loved COLLECTING CHILDREN'S BOOKS. Every Sunday I'd faithfully check in on Peter's latest "Sunday brunch" writeup on children's literature. This being the times we're in, I became his Facebook friend, and I can't say it didn't make me happy whenever he commented on something I'd posted. Over the past year he's been giving us updates on a book on children's literature he was co-authoring with two other people, and his excitement about the project was contagious. To me he was a quasi-celebrity just because I didn't know him personally, but I was a huge fan of his blog.

About a week ago he mentioned on FB he'd badly broken his ankle, to which I, like everybody else I reckon, thought " oh gee, that sucks" and didn't think much about it. Just a broken ankle, after all.

Saturday night, a message came from his brother on Peter's FB page that Peter had suddenly died, presumably from a blood clot. A happy, young (early 50's) guy in the midst of finishing his dream of authoring a book on children's books dropped dead, gasping to his mother (he was taking care of his 90 year-old parents) to call 911. Just like that.

I'm not saying I'm curled up under my bed crying; as I said, I never actually met him, but that's the way the world works now - our celebrity culture allows us to think of a major celebrity as we would a close friend, and the internet takes this a step farther in that we get caught up in the lives of people we'll never meet who are celebrities in our eyes because we're fans of their websites/blogs, but in actuality, they're no more "famous" than ourselves. I am somewhat comforted to see that based on the number of comments on his Facebook page, I'm only one of dozens (hundreds) of people touched by his blog and now saddened by his sudden death.

A broken ankle. Dead. It's quite simply the saddest thing I've ever heard.

The Dinner Crowd at Joy Garden. Some Things Never Change.

It's Official: I'm Back in Virginia.

Joy Garden with Sistatime!

The Interns Begin Their Day at the Xmastime Blogging Bank

Timing

One of the "paid" interns over at guerretype got into the corn squeezins and accidently typed some words together:

im usually at the gate just before boarding. not something i stress about. but lately i worry ive begun to stress out the kids; waking them up in the morning now takes cold water and a fucking marching band so i let them sleep and watch the end of the show and go back into the apartment to grab something else for class and on and on until i say for the nth time Hurry, were gonna be late! i need to quit that shit before they become the type to arrive at airports 6 hours early.

I, as you know, am the complete opposite. I show up at the fucking bus two hours early, panicking that they'll say "oh, fuck it" and leave 120 minutes early for no apparent reason. And I'm the only mf even mildly concerned the bus will leave me at a rest stop, which never, ever happens:

...whenever I ride from NYC to DC, as we get near the Baltimore Travel Plaza the driver will ask if we wanna push through, or take a break. You can guess what the vote is. So he’ll say “okay, be back on the bus in 30 minutes.” I’m fuming cause we’re only an hour away, but these jackasses wanna stop for half a fucking hour. And then you know me – I think I have to be an Olympic sprinter, or I’ll be watching the bus pulling away. But I’m maybe starving, so I get off the bus, and it goes like this: SPRINT to Sbarro oh god, 3 people in line will take forever no time SPRINT to KFC fucking hell no time no time SPRINT to the vending machine and in a total panic buy purchase some Combos, of which I’m better off chewing on the back of the bus seat in front of me, SPRINT back to the bus and quickly find my seat, throw myself down in drenched in sweat and check the time and we only have…28 minutes left. Jesus Christ. But of course 30 minutes isn’t enough for these people, and it’s apparently against the laws of mechanical engineering for this bus to start moving again unless we’ve spent an extra 15 minutes waiting for people to wander back onto the bus, in absolutely no hurry at all. I’m clutching my fucking bag of Combos, keeping them in my jacket pocket so it doesn’t take up any space on the bus, and these people come back on the bus with three course meals fucking spread out.

And I assume if I show up at Mass later than twenty minutes early, God himself will smite me while the priest stands there shaking his head "is this motherfucker kidding me with this shit?"

I spent the entire 15-minute walk/sprint from my building to the Church in a panic that I'd be late; of course I got there 20 minutes early.  There were maybe 6 other people there, and the choir was practicing.  Not only did half of the congregation roll in with about a minute to spare, but the other half wandered in immediately AFTER the priest!!! Wtf?  I understand shit happens and you get caught scrambling in late, apologizing profusely - but these people obviously were standing around outside doing whatthefuckever until they saw the priest start the service and then decided "okay, now's a good time to grace everyone with our presence." And that was HALF the fucking people!  For fuck's sake, there's should be a lion at the door once the priest passes through i - if you still wanna try to enter you're welcome to try; otherwise, get your sorry, sweatpants-covered ass (JUICY, indeed) in a pew before Father Mike lights this fucking candle. Pitiful.

The point is, I can't remember what the fuck my point was. Hey, I'm in Virginia now.  We go at a slower pace.

Big Bear & Husky Shoutout to Xmastime, VA

"We'll do his patented #1 finger, but only if we can be picking boogers too."

Oddly Telling

I'm not doing my patented #1 finger. WTF?

Dear Brooklyn

Goodbye.

Life Goes On

I arrived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, on New Years Day 1998 - the 100th Anniversary of the Consolidation of New York City. Almost immediately after, Williamsburg became the hottest neighborhood in the country and all  of Brooklyn entered what can surely be considered a Golden Age: it was the hippest place for artists/bands to live in, culminating in the recent spate of tv shows/movies/books set in Williamsburg/Greenpoint, and people flocked from Manhattan to both hang out and live as close to the Bedford L stop as possible. Like anybody I guess, I assumed New York City began the second I walked in, and would disappear the moment I left. Just now I walked by my freight elevator, where a kid in his early 20's wearing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt was excitedly loading in boxes from what looked like his parents' minivan.

Sometimes you feel real old, older than you are. Check the aches and pains, the hairline, the demands of life. Responsibilties, responsibilities. Worse things have happened to all of us; the circus wasn't as good as you though it would be, the movie stunk, etc., etc....

Punching the clock, punching the wall, hating your boss. You can't go if you don't know, and you can't know if you don't go. and everybody in the world has their own song in their heads. The best songs ever. Problem is figuring a way to get them out and present them to others.

You've got to know where the brakes are. Enjoy life at a realistic pace. You crazy youngsters, what with your nightlife and everything. And it's important to trust other people, while putting stock in yourself as well. Reevaluating your priorities, checking yourself daily.

Not everyone is a victim of circumstance; conversely, nobody should feel like a martyr all the time. Problem? It's hard enough to communicate these days; some of us don't even get the chance. Some others don't know they have a chance.

When you travel frequently, you find a lot of images. And sometimes, you have to try and make the best of a bad situation: more often than not, we grin and bear it. Other times, you learn to enjoy some small facet of your predicament. Nothing too elaborate, just an attempt to adjust priorities. Revolution starts at home, preferably in the bathroom mirror.

Example? Winter always comes too soon. This year was the worst I can remember, except when I was five years old. Pushed open the front door, got lost in the snow.

Apollo 11

I'm watching The Space Age: NASA's Story, and Buzz Aldrin says that as they landed on the Moon, Neil Armstrong may or may not have shook his hand, he can't remember.

Again, as I've said before: we need to get these people in front of a camera before they die.  I know Armstrong is famously reclusive, but they're 80 now, and they're still alive. - XMASTIME 

Armstrong, obviously an Xmastime fan (hi Neil!) finally starts yapping.

When Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin made their descent aboard the Eagle to the moon’s surface, the on-board computer had intended to put them down on the side of a large crater with steep slopes littered with huge boulders. “Not a good place to land at all,” said Armstrong. “I took it over manually and flew it like a helicopter out to the west direction, took it to a smoother area without so many rocks and found a level area and was able to get it down there before we ran out of fuel. There was something like 20 seconds of fuel left.”

Handsome Devils

Xmastime buddy Bayonne Mike so sayeth:

Sounds like Manhunt!

The shit writes itself; including the ongoing joke that no matter how gruesome a scene one is describing, or how much they claim Booth is the devil himself for what he's done to the country, nobody can go too far without off-handedly remarking how incredibly handsome he was. ("The flames whipped around Booth as I setting my sight on him a final time, preparing to end this 12-day national nightmare...I closed one eye and focused on his face...which was, I must say, pleasant to look at...luminescent, really...")

However, This Guy Will Fucking Kill You.

Good Question.

I mean, for fuck's sake already.

The Real World

Is turning 20 years old, so of course I celebrate by patting myself on the back with an old post which was previously patting itself on the back. (Curtsy.) And here's my Mrs. Xmastime, Real World Division.

Season premiere of The Real World tonight...which pair of oversized tits stuffed into a bikini top will be the latest addition to my All-Time Real World list??!?!?!

Here's some of my Real World memories throughout the years.

* Was treated to the newest installment of “The Real World” this weekend, this time MTV is really sticking it to them and making the kids rough it out in…Key West. Hey, is “The Real World” the most ironically named show of all time? A few things that bother me about “The Real World”:

    a. Unless you grew up under a rock in Siberia or, worse, Kansas, you’ve seen the fucking show. Every year they get some humungous, tricked-out fantasy house that’s amazing – has a pool, big aquarium, John Candy stuffed and mounted on the mantle, whatever. But EVERY FUCKING YEAR we gotta spend half the first episode watching these idiots sprinting from room to room shrieking “OHMYGODLOOKITTHISHOUSEITSAMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!” no shit, dumbass. So were the first 16 houses. Knock it off and hurry up to the obligatory first-episode hot tub scene so we can find out which chick is the one with the “serious boyfriend” who of course ends up fucking everybody in sight for 5 months – all part, of course, of her “learning to grow and like myself as a person, and learning to live all by myself.” Hahahaha!! I love how there’s always that one chick who decides she’s gonna “take time off” from her bf so that she can prove to herself and everybody else that dammit, she can be independent!! Ahhhmmm, sweetheart…you’re being propped up by MTV for 22 weeks- sleeping til 4pm every day, drinking a ton of free booze and fucking everything in sight while wearing a band aid over your titties in the hot tub. I’m not sure that’s considered “making it on your own” as much as “being a complete, filthy slut.” But hey, what do I know.

    b. I also love these “jobs” they give these assholes. My two favorites were the cast of Las Vegas - “hosting” parties, wherein the girls would dress like sluts and get drunk and the boys would grind on said “employees”, and last season in Austin where they have to…fuck, did anyone ever catch what they were supposed to do? Something like photograph a band from SXSW. Hmm. Tough one. Other classics of course include San Diego (“Your job is to learn to ride around in a big boat”) and Paris, where they acted as “travel writers” meaning they went to bars thoughout the city and “wrote reviews” about them. Hmm. Has anybody seen this collection of works published? Yes? No? Does it really matter anyways, when Adam’s dad knows Lionel Richie? Just once I’d like to see where all the kids are sitting together all fired up about finding out what there job is gonna be, and then it’s revealed…ta-da! Slaughterhouse! For the next 4 months you’ll be pulling out pig rectums!! Welcome to the real world, fuckheads!!!! Ironically, of course, there’s always at least one douchebag that has to get fired from these “jobs” because he just cant get his ass out of bed after a night of pounding vodka and crying into his roommates shoulder how much he has grown to love/respect him over the last 4 weeks. Between that and puking, who the fuck’s got time for work? Hall of Fame Award here goes to Montana, who got fired for actually giving wine to children. God bless you, Montana. You’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re worthless but you have managed to find yourself in the RW HOF for both “Best Reason for Getting Fired” and “Best Phone Conversation”, ie of course the one where she goes out on a date on Valentine’s Day and then pretends to be shocked/chagrined when her boyfriend Vaj screams at her on the phone for 15 minutes merely repeating the word “whore!!!” over and over while she tries to butt in with “but…but I…but…”

    c. Enough with the token gay dude. We get it. Yes, you can start out a season of “The Real World” as a homophobe and after 141 nights out at the local bar pounding blue drinks you can be the big man and announce that you’ve decided to respect his gay lifestyle. Great! Shouldn’t we be past this now – wasn’t Pedro, the Babe Ruth of gay Real Worlders, all the way back in 1993 or some such? 13 years later and all I’ll learned from these idiots they send up every year is that gay dudes are incredibly boring, they smile a lot, and they all seem to know tons about girls eating disorders. Great.

* Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.

* So MTV puts 7 twenty year olds in a house halfway around the world, and they spend the whole time hooking up with only each other? What the fuck is this? Do these people even leave the house? “Ooooh, I’m in Australia…seems like I should spend the whole time hooking up with this dude from Alabama; when’s the next time I’ll get to fuck an American?!?” You’re practically on another planet, wouldn’t you be at least a little curious what dating one of the natives would be like? For fuck’s sake. It’s like Bush, who has more money than God and every opportunity possible throughout his life but keeps giving jobs to whatever 4 people he knows from the Fuddruckers in Texas. Camon. Take a look around, people.

*Within hours of meeting his new roommates and being filmed 24/7, Ty from this season's Real World cast tells the 2nd-hottest bitch his story about being an orphan, how he was abandoned by his mother, and how that's made him feel, like at any moment for the rest of his life he'll be abandoned again, and how all of that feels etc etc etc.

Then we overhear him narrating to the camera, and he says that he's built up walls around himself, and has a hard time opening up to people.

Umm...what? I don't wanna be "old crusty guy,"but that seems pretty fucking "open" to me. I mean, did you shoot JFK; is that what your hiding?

Official Nomination for Single Greatest Seinfeld Episode Ever

The Beard.

Office Crush MVP du Jour

Chunky Crush...two-time winner!

Spaghetti

Via Grantland:

Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level: Cold Spaghetti
Megan said she was going to clean it up after he'd finished eating. Finished a plate of cold spaghetti, which she had prepared for him, hoped to eat with him, and sat angrily beside while waiting for a phone call disclosing his whereabouts that never came. But now that he'd dutifully cleaned his plate as they'd sat in mostly tense silence, she'd gone off to bed and left the mess on the floor, a mess of unwanted noodles and shards of porcelain.

"Megan! You want me to clean this up?" No answer. So, yes.

There is only one thing I thought of when I saw this scene: the great Neil Simon!

Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
[Felix laughs]
Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?
Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.
Oscar: (picks up plate, walks to kitchen and hurls it against the far wall) Now it's garbage!!
Felix: Are you crazy??...I'm not cleaning that up...It's your mess...Look at it, hanging all over the walls.
Oscar: I like it.
Felix: You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you? Until it turns hard and brown and...yich...I'm cleaning it up.

Jim Gaffigan Killing It re: Subway

Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Is gay.

Fair Point

From Five Cautionary Tales of Comedy Sequels, re: Rock 'n Roll High School:

As proud as I am of the Ramones for refusing to participate in this abortion, it wouldn’t have been much worse than their Mondo Bizarro album and would have made the movie worth at least a single watch.

Leaving.

There is a dried-out patch of dirt I'll be drawn back to before I die; a cluster of heat, frustration, and poverty. No matter how modern I make myself, I'll only ever be that boy in the dirt, fighting off gnats while pretending to be somebody: pretending, but never dreaming.

I'm already getting nostalgic about leaving because that's just how I am; I'm a real pussycat when it comes to that kinda shit. But since I'm leaving on my own terms, having gotten what I wanted, I can look back with no regrets. Well. Not NO regrets. But let's be honest - where I came from, if you told me that someday I'd eat a steak at Peter Luger's, play a set at CBGB's and bang an Asian softcore porn star in a vestibule next to the Turkey's Nest, I'd think you were making up stories about some superhero on Jupiter. So fuck it.

State du Moi

No one's ever going to accuse me of being an adult, but in gutting out my bedroom right now I heard myself thinking "you know, not as much broken glass as last time."

Sigh. Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?

Facebook Fact du Jour

Number of My Facebook Friends I'd Bang: 29

Nope.

State du Moi

In this life, I have gotten what I wanted exactly zero times, so I am the first to say "quelle surprise!" upon actually making good on my desire to not be living in New York when I'm forty. Looks like I'll be under the wire by three weeks!  :)

Okay, They Got Me

I'm not made of fucking stone, people.

J-Lo Who?

Tumblr du Jour

Obama eating burgers!

Because It's Been More Than Ten Minutes Since I Posted about GIRLS

Via:

The only take on Girls that matters is Paul Westerberg's, who sang in 1982:

I'm lazy
I'm white
I ain't ashamed

My High School

Is not on this list.

Romney.

When it's convenient, people wanna equate running the country with running a business, to whom profits and nothing else matters. Of course, nothing could have less in common with running a business than running a country, and Obama finally lets it be known:

OBAMA: But understand that their priority is to maxmize profits. And that’s not always going to be good for communities or businesses or workers…And when you’re president, as opposed to the head of a private equity firm, then your job is not simply to maximize profits. Your job is to figure out how everyone in the country has a fair shot. Your job is to think about those workers who get laid off and how are we paying for their retraining? Your job is to think about how those communities can start creating new clusters so they can attract new businesses. Your job as president is to think about how do we set up an equitable tax system so that everybody is paying their fair share that allows us then to invest in science and technology and infrastructure, all of which will help us grow. And so, if your main argument for how to grow the economy is, ‘I knew how to make a lot of money for investors", then you’re missing what this job is about.’ 

In any given economy, making even more money for people who are already rich isn't really a trick. But gradually, grudgingly, keeping everyone moving along at once, well, that the fucking trick.

Genius

Seven Up! first hit the screens in May 1964, and was intended as a one-off programme, a snapshot of the British class system and the way it conditioned so much of life. Tim Hewat, the Australian founding editor of World in Action, had the idea for the programme, and took as its starting point the Jesuit saying: "Give me the child until he is seven and I will show you the man."...It is worth replaying the beginnings of what has become a television institution because, though it looks to have been inevitable that the makers would return every seven years to check on the progress of their proteges, it wasn't. They only returned at 14 because Denis Forman, the visionary head of Granada TV, suggested it, and Apted, whose career is now intertwined with the series, took over as director because Almond was making feature films in Canada. Even the name might have been different. Seven Up! was Granada founding chairman Sidney Bernstein's idea, and Hewat and Almond hated it because of possible confusion with the soft drink. Half a century later, the TV brand has become equally powerful.

A show that took place before Hard Day's Night is still happening. Wow.

Leaving.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Decisions.

I'm rarely right about anything. I mean, I'm the guy that had a kiniption fit when the Cowboys traded away Herschel Walker, and it ended up giving the Cowboys 3 Super Bowl rings and a mini Hall-of-Fame roster. So. I probably would've fought Dylan going electric, I'm such a fucking idiot.

But the one thing I've gotten right is to put a poster of Big Bear on my door. No matter how fucking angry I get about everything - oh I hate this, I hate that, I hate you, why does the world suck etc etc - what separates me from the world is this ridiculous poster of Big Bear as Dragon Boy. It is LITERALLY impossible to open the door without seeing it and cracking up. Hell, I'll be honest, sometimes I give his fist a pound. By the time I'm on the other side of the door I've forgotten why I was so angry or depressed, and am just laughing, thinking about Big Bear and cracking up.

Hey, one good decision in 37 years. That's normal, right?

But on a more serious note, seriously...don't fuck with The Skunk Bandits. Period. Just don't.

Jesus Christ, The Bee Gees Were Awesome

The Halloween Bar

Saturday Night Live's playing She's a Rainbow and (to a lesser degree, Ruby Tuesday) to say goodbye to Kristen Wiig reminds us of what a great band the Stones were before they settled into crapping out Start Me Up/I'ts Only Rock n Roll/Paint It Black etc every night; I'm mildly curious to know if Jagger even asked "ooooh, who's this?" when She' a Rainbow kicked in.

Previous Stones top ten:
Rocks Off
Winter
Star Star
Connection
Ruby Tuesday
When the Whip Comes Down
Loving Cup
She's a Rainbow
Have you Seen your Mother Baby (Standing in the Shadows)
Out of Time

I don't know why I left of an all-time slice of slices!

Williamsburg Rats

...and I knew that eventually, I’d just be some old guy who kept all of Chuck’s high school sports clippings that he dreaded having to talk to on holidays.  I’d still see him, I’d still be a part of his life, but it wouldn’t be the same as feeling like I was someone really meaningful to him.  Over time, his memories of our days together would fade away, until there were none at all.

GIRLS

Except for the eye-rolling trash-bag-as-luggage bit, the only thing I hated about the episode was Adam looking out his window and commenting on seeing a crackhead.  I know the deal is to juxtapose with Hannah's comfy suburban front lawn, but can we ever come up with a euphemism for "the dark underbelly of New York!" that's a tad fresher and more original than the age-old "crackhead"? Can we PLEASE be a little less fucking lazy than "gee what's the opposite of a cozy Midwest den oh got it crackhead"?  Ugh. For fuck's sake already.

Growing Up

People like to give millennials shit for being self-absorbed, spoiled assholes, so it's nice to see Miley Cyrus take her title as 2010 Xmastime Person of the Year seriously by showing up at some event looking like this. I mean, hot damn.

Cosby

As you people already know, there's nobody on this Earth I love more than Bill Cosby. I worship his standup, I worship The Cosby Show; I would stand in line to watch him read the phone book.

And yet I never watched a millisecond of his 90's show, Cosby, which is doubly curious since it also features an original Mrs. Xmastime Claire Huxtable. I guess this is just reason #1,544 I am a riddle wrapped in an enigma, wrapped rather snugly in Toughskins.I just stumbled upon the pilot, and my question is why is it set in Brooklyn instead of the Cos' hometown of Philadelphia? I understand his first show being in Brooklyn just because, but by the time he did Cosby you'd think he'd have the power to say "this will be in Philly" and the powers that be would simply say "yes, and thank you." Interesting. Now that I'm thinking of it, has there EVER there a big-time sitcom that was set in Philly?

UPDATE: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Well, duh. Okay, any OTHER sitcoms??!????

Softball Sunday Wrapup

 - Met a family from Paris, there because their 19 year-old daughter wanted to see Williamsburg. I asked them 10000 questions and let it be known how much I loved Remembrance of Things Past or, as I repeatedly called it, A La Recharge de Temps Perdu. "Mysteriously", they disappeared when I went up to get a round.

 - In a remembrance of things past moment popped into the Halloween Bar, met some woman from Tennessee. Maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory by inexplicably telling her about the first time I ever went to the Halloween Bar, in 1995. Came back from the pisser, she was gone.

Deflating on one hand, somewhat reassuring on the other as it's the oddly comforting embrace of the normal softball Sunday rhythm of years past.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to having a front row seat to Watty's long, sad, ignoble walk into the sunset a la Willie Mays at Shea (batted 6th yesterday - SIXTH!!!) It's the little things in life, people!!! ;)

The "What Took So Long?" du Jour

Will Smith raps The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air on tv.

"The second-best supporting character of all time likes this"

 

Another Gibb Brother Dead

This time it's Robin. I've never heard a Bee Gees song I didn't like. Super-duper slices include the usual:

Stayin' Alive
Islands in the Stream
Jive Talkin
To Love Somebody
Words
Lonely Days
I've Gotta Get a Message to You
I Started a Joke

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

I can't seem to click on any site on the internet that doesn't have "lube.xxx" in the url without being bombarded with articles about the showrunner for Community being fired, and how outraged I'm supposed to be about it.

First of all, it's annoying how the term "showrunner" has somehow entered the pop culture lexicon over the past year, and now everyone with a 56K modem drops it in conversation like it's been around for decades. But look - the guy got to help create and run one of the most popular shows in the country (online, at least.) He got paid a ton of money doing precisely what he would do for free if he could, AND, though he's been "fired" he's still under contract as some sort of executive producer, meaning he ta-DA!....still gets paid. Meanwhile, guess who can stroll into any tv office in the country and pitch any sitcom he wants? And guess who has probably gotten a hundred job offers since all this happened? Guess who prolly has dozens of other tv bigwigs begging him to help create a new sho? Dan Harmon!

I'm sure he's bitter, and feels he got screwed, which is fine for him - but the idea that we're supposed to get swept up in some public relations uproar about this and put a second's thought into what's gonna happen to the guy is absurd. Who fucking gives a shit? Let's keep things in perspective, for fuck's sake. He had his dream job, now he kinda still does, and pretty soon he'll have it again. Gee, let me pass the hat. Would you happily trade your own troubles for Dan Harmon's? I'm guessing "yes." Dan Harmon trying to make us feel sorry for him right now is about as nonsensical as Mitt Romney claiming to be unemployed, or Conan back when he was crying and moaning. Come the fuck on already with that shit.

Billy Wilder Classic I Inexplicably Have Never Seen Until Just Now.

At least I'm finally getting there, like my superslice last year.

A New Low, by Xmastime

Had to turn around and come home on my way to church because I ripped the ass in my pants.

Sigh. Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?

Must Say

Digging Jagger as SNL host.

Top 10 Stones Superslices (in no order)

Rocks Off
Winter
Star Star
Connection
Ruby Tuesday
When the Whip Comes Down
Loving Cup
She's a Rainbow
Have you Seen your Mother Baby (Standing in the Shadows)
Out of Time

State du Moi

I am so fucking sick of my normal shower routine I wanna punch myself in the stupid face.

The Perfect Roommate

Is never home, and has a New Yorker subscription.

I'm Glad NYC Finally Has Public Street Toilets...

...but a  little privacy would be nice.

37 People...

...who have no idea what they're doing.

What's Good for AARP Isn't Always What's Good for America

This guy HERE wonders why young people aren't running for Congress.

Before reading the article I quickly thought this was due to Congressional Stagnation and our having to pry these fuckers out of their seats no matter how old they got, but he says no:

But what’s not been reported as far as I know is that one of the big factors in the aging of the Senate is in part a consequence not of high reelection rates or delayed retirement from senators too stubborn to quit, but of changes among incoming senators. Of course, not all newly elected senators are as old as Fischer and Mourdock, and Joe Biden was hardly typical of the 1970s, but as symbols of the change, you could do worse.

In other words, he's an idiot. But somehow, we hafta figure out a way for fewer senile people to be running things...for fuck's sake, it was only two and a half years ago that we had two people with a combined age of 144 deciding the future of out healthcare system! 

I wonder if politicians should have age limits? I mean, I don't think it's insulting to say that someone who WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO OLD TO BE ON THE FUCKING HICKORY HUSKERS' 1954 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM!!!! might not really be in touch with what much, much younger (as well as FUTURE) generations really want and need...These people should be admired and respected for their public service.  But if they don't keep you in Menudo after age 16, I don't know why we can't ease these people out of outrageously-important decision-making positions at an age before they qualify for the fucking Denny's 3:30 blue-plate grand slam (stool softener a lá carté.)

And don't even get me started on the robed carcasses on the Supreme Court....

Paging Neil deGrasse Tyson

VIA.

Deliver Me from Nowhere

This year is the 30-year anniversary of the release of Nebraska. Since Bruce recorded films for the Born to Run and Darkness on the Edge of Town anniversaries, I wonder if he'll do the same for Nebraska - I certainly hope so, since the story of that album coming to be is much more interesting anyway:

Springsteen wrote and recorded these songs as demos on a 4-track audiocassette tape recorder in his house in mostly one day (Jaunary 3,1982): that is, just him, a guitar, a harmonica, an overdubbed harmony or mandolin here or there, an old Gibson Echoplex mixed in for effect.  He just popped this one cassette tape demo in his pocket (without a case) and took it to play for the band. After attempting to work them up with a full band, they decided the haunting sparceness of the demo worked best with the emotional content of the material. It was released as a stripped-down, folk-sounding, lament of a recording in the fall. That very same audiocassette tape was used as the master

Fuck You Curt Schilling

Curt Schilling comes out on Facebook about his recent fiasco:

To all the prayers and well wishes to the team and families at 38, God Bless and thank you! We will find a way, and the strength, to endure.

And is met with the truth about his hypocritical bullshit, here's a few faves:

- The people of RI don't need your prayers, they need their loan payment. How very republican of you to move your company to the place that gives you the best deal and then renege on your promise.

- Government hand outs are OK now ? This gross hypocrisy does not surprise me one bit. Shilling spent his whole career being paid by owners that extort money from the tax payers of the cities and states who build them their venues. He was always a huge benefiter of socialism. Not that that fact ever penetrated his ego.

- Schilling in 2011: "No bailouts for industry!"
Schilling in 2012: "Brother, can you spare a dime for my failed version of Galaxians?"

- And im sure it will be God that will help out his employers not the unemployment benefits thou shalll receive

- a conservative is merely a liberal who hasn't asked for his personal safety net yet.....

- So its alright for you to accept money from the government, but when Solyndra took money from the government and that company went belly up that is a whole different story. I love you Republicans, your motto is "Do as I say, but don't do as I do." Keep praying to the ghost in the sky money will of a sudden appear out of no where. I

- I think you need to invest some of your own vast fortune to bail out your taxpayer funded, tax abated, free land corporation. It pains me that 300 people will become jobless due to your mismanagement but you have declared repeatedly that you are against taxpayer bailouts and are 3000% free market. You are now asking the taxpayers to bail out your failed corporation. Then you tried to kite a check you knew would not clear the bank... Time for you to step up to the plate, sir. Take responsibility for your own actions, your own corporation and bail yourself out.

HAHAHAAH!  Fuck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, shithead!

Happy Birfday MOI!

Thankfully, since she's a great American and wants to keeps our minds away from this shit Jenny McCarthy is oddly hotter today than she was 20 years ago.  Thanks, Jenny.  (oops....I made a mess.) - XMASTIME   

And now she's popping them tittays for us once again in Playboy!

Will she be the first woman to pose nude in Playboy in three different decades?

"XMASTIME likes this"

America Loves a Frontrunner

In case you were worried Mark Zuckerberg isn't making more money every minute than you will all year, you can track his worth in real-time here.  This inspired me to do the same with MY real-time worth, check it out HERE!

Baby Looking Over How His Stocks are Doing, Is Probably an Asshole

Crack-Up du Jour

Imagined dialogue: Julian Lennon, on the eve of his parent's divorce, sits through a new song from Uncle Paul:

Jesus Christ on a crutch, HOW LONG IS THIS THING? Oh excellent, he’s forgotten the rest of the words, he’s just singing na-na-na-nahhhh. Maybe that means he’ll end it. Wait, what? Mum, please, no, don’t join in, you’re drunk. Oh fuck me, now they’re all doing it! I’m going to throw this fucking chair in a second. I am not clapping along. No. NO.

History of Hey Jude HERE for you pinko commies who don't already know.

Yet ANOTHER Way I'm Just Like Royalty

If I was a bazillionaire, I'd like to spend a few days at different jobs, seeing what they were like. Hanging out in the kitchen of a Dominos, ride along in a cab, spend the day in a courtroom with a lawyer. Would be very cool, n'est-pas?

Whenever I go pick up food from Kam Sing I always crane my head to see how they make the shit, but they're always juuuuuuuuuuuuust outta sight, so I can't tell how they're cooking dogs perfecting their centuries-old cantonese cuisine. Would kill to spend a day watching them up close; right now it just seems like they scream and yell for 5 minutes and then all of a sudden food appears. - XMASTIME

Apparently Prince Charles surprised a bunch of people by showing up to do the weather report on BBC.  If I was rich I'd do this shit all the time - never enough to actually commit to anything and only until I'm bored/it actually becomes "work," but enough to get a glimpse into everyone's life while cracking myself up.

'Cause I'm Xmastime, and I runs this shit!

For All We Know We're Dream Teaming

The Dream Team doc I've been crying for years for finally has a release date: June 13!

NBA TV is celebrating the 20th anniversary of the greatest basketball team ever assembled, the 1992 “Dream Team,” with a documentary produced, written and directed by Ed Burns. The documentary will give viewers a behind-the-scenes look at all aspects of what it was like to work with, be around, and from the players themselves, be on the team the team that had 11 Hall of Famers and three Hall of Fame coaches.

No, not THAT Ed Burns.

Quasi-Racist but Hilarious Site du Jour

GHETTO HIKES:

I'm 28. I have a full time job leading urban kids (of all races) on nature hikes. I simply write down shit they say.

Tumblr Idea du Jour

French women who look like Paul Westerberg.

Truth du Jour

via Sully:

"A blogger who is not prepared to make a total fool out of himself is not a real blogger."

Stuff This!

Via:

German anti-riot police forces carry away a protester and her stuffed animal during an anti-capitalist protests. Despite a ban on demonstrations the 'Blockupy' alliance within the anti-capitalist 'Occupy' movement had organised a demonstration through downtown Frankfurt to protest against banks and the European austerity policy.

Of course all I can think of is me and how I wanna punch this little shit.

I'm also curious as to how a certain somebody would deal with cops pulling this shit. I'm guessing "not well."

BREAKING NEWS: Being White Is Still Fucking Awesome

State du Moi

If being the George Costanza Quoteologist of my generation was a marketable skill, my life would be a lot better.

At the Office

Lasagna

THIS GUY HERE claims he knows how to make the perfect lasagna, and then immediately refutes himself by suggesting using mushrooms. What an idiot. There is, of course, a real way to make the perfect lasagna:

1) LASAGNA - and by this I mean "Xmastime Lasagna": 2 lbs cheese, 5 lbs of ground beef/sausage, and a jar of Ragu. Don't gimme no damn ricotta or spinach crap, and don't turn your nose up at Ragu. I've tried many many many homemade sauces that people slave over. They're all very good, and I admire their efforts, but I have yet to desire anything more than Ragu. And now they got a million varieties anyway; I like the Italian Sausage & Cheese jar. This is funny, since I mix it with enough Italian sausage/cheese to give you instant gout. My new trick is to use some of the grease from the meat after browning it - hey, we're making Xmastime Lasagna here. It adds incredible flavor - you may drop dead at the end, but what a way to go. My favorite memory of this is a few years back I was house-sitting for Will & Gina and my buddy Op came over and I made this; I had so much meat stuffed in the fucker that to get the 3rd layer on top I had to practically sit on it like you would an overstuffed suitcase. Man. Can still taste. Accompany with bread, a gallon of milk and a 14-hour nap.

If You Can Name an American Who Is More Noble Than Joe the Plumber I Will Eat a Live Mouse

Boo!

The thing about the whole "Obama is a metrosexual Abe Lincoln" ad tactic I don't get is exactly whose mind this is supposed to change about Obama.  If you're susceptible to such a thing, I'm guessing you're pretty anti-Obama anyway; nobody's thinking "...gee, I admire his expanding  the Nunn-Lugar cooperative threat reduction concept...wait, he's a metrosexual Abe Lincoln!?!?!?  Damn him!" Why not just come out and say you're pretty sure he's a vampire?

Opportunity for Me

In today's world of pussy parenting in which everyone tells their children they're superstars merely for existing, I think I should hire myself out to to be an asshole to your kids. I'll teach them about "real life" so you don't have to - I will be honest about how crappy their school drawings are, boo them at their Little League games, and cut them off whenever they start to give their opinions: "shut up, nobody gives a shit." For an additional fee I will deliver the cruelest blow of all: "You know, I was your age once. Now look at me."

Numbers

Number of Anti-Spending, Jesus-Hates-Taxes Minds That Will Be Changed By  these facts  This Chart: 0

Wile E.

Coyotes are getting more badass:

These are a coyote-wolf hybrid, 50 percent larger than the coyotes of yore, highly adaptable and well able to hunt and take down animals as large as deer. They're getting bigger and faster and stronger and smarter. And they are coming for you.

Of course that's only good news for the most genius coyote of all.

Wuv, Twu Wuv....

Marriage equality actually helps "regular" marriage, which, last I checked, hovered around the 50% rate:

I think they're wrong—marriage isn't inequitable at its core. But Sullivan and Gallagher are wrong, too, when they claim that the essence of marriage is beneficent. The truth is that marriage doesn't have an essence, any more than it has a core. Certainly, marriage is an institution, but institutions aren't immutable. They shape us, but we shape them, too. Marriage has been, and can still be, a way to oppress women, to enforce particular gender roles, and even to abuse and torture children. It has also been, and can still be, a way to link family and community in love.

Aren't "institutions", by definition, man-made? At some point, marriage in and of itself is gonna hafta come into question, no?

14 Years Ago Today

David Wells threw a perfect game for the Yankees.

On one hand my first-ever Yankees game at The Stadium being the start before David Wells threw a perfect game is odd enough; meanwhile, him having gone to the same high school as Don Larson makes things really weird.

Not as weird as next year's David Cone perfect game, but still.

Making the game even more remarkable was that it was "Yogi Berra Day" at Yankee Stadium. After a long feud with owner George Steinbrenner, Berra agreed to return to the stadium that day, and caught the ceremonial first pitch from fellow perfect game pitcher Don Larsen. Larsen could be seen smiling in the press box after the final out was recorded.

Wow

THIS MOTHERFUCKER turns 100 years old today; here's his resume:

As of 2011, Parker is the oldest living member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. As of October 2011, Parker is the oldest living former professional football player. As of May 8, 2012, he is the last living person to play on the same major league baseball field as Baseball Hall of Fame member Rogers Hornsby. On May 7, 1937, Parker appeared for the Philadelphia Athletics while Hornsby played one of his last games for the St. Louis Browns. Parker and Hall of Famer Bobby Doerr are the last men to play on the same field as baseball immortal Lou Gehrig.

"What is this, a potato?"

For The Short Bus!

How Great Would It Be...

...if ten years from now we find out this kid's gay?

Marley Book Recommendation du Jour

Berlin 1961, by Frederick Kempe

Kempe’s blow-by-blow account of the Vienna conference of June 1961, during which the two men met for the first time, is telling — and, in a classic sense, almost tragic. Kennedy was jumped up on amphetamines administered by a quack doctor for his back pain, which probably did little for his judgment. But neither leader came away with an accurate assessment of the other. Khrushchev saw an ailing young president in front of him and assumed that Kennedy was weak. Kennedy saw a blustering, theatrical Soviet leader in front of him and assumed that Khrushchev was crazy. Both men were trying to ensure peace by making careful but deliberate references to their nuclear deterrents. Instead, owing to errors of perception and judgment, they brought the world far closer to war.

Facebook Guy, Again

The Facebook Guy might've overplayed his hand, and won't be able to re-enter the United States:

“There’s a specific provision of immigration law that says that a former citizen who officially renounces citizenship, and is determined to have renounced it for the purpose of avoiding taxation, is excludable,” said Crystal Williams, executive director of the American Immigration Lawyers Association. “So he would not be able to return to the United States if he’s found to have renounced for tax purposes.”

“He’s fucked,” said Adam Green, an immigration lawyer based in Los Angeles. “He must have gotten horrendous advice.”

Of course, the odds that a billionaire won't be allowed to do exactly what he wants to do in America is laughable; in particular, I look forward to the GOP's outrage re: being fools championing rich fuckers who would not cross the street to spit on them and literally cost them money  Severin's not being allowed back in the country to, say it with me, "create jobs!!!!"

Facebook is Still Around?

The other day HERE I mentioned the guy from The Social Network becoming a hero of the Right for saying "it's been reals!" to America, and now Chuck Schumer is introducing a bill suggesting that people shouldn't be able to ditch America to weasel out of paying their taxes:

At a news conference this morning, Sens. Schumer and Bob Casey, D-Pa., will unveil the “Ex-PATRIOT” – “Expatriation Prevention by Abolishing Tax-Related Incentives for Offshore Tenancy” – Act to respond directly to Saverin’s move, which they dub a “scheme” that would “help him duck up to $67 million in taxes.

The senators will call Saverin’s move an “outrage” and will outline their plan to re-impose taxes on expatriates like Saverin even after they flee the United States and take up residence in a foreign country. Their proposal would also impose a mandatory 30 percent tax on the capital gains of anybody who renounces their U.S. citizenship.

This makes total sense to me; in other words, Schumer is introducing a bill that not only won't see the light of day in the House, but will also be used to brand him as someone who doesn't believe that Jesus has a big foam 'AMERICA'S #1!!!!' finger permanently attached to his face.

Hmm. Mysteries are Curious.

via SULLY we see this quote:

If Obama wins, he'll go through his second term, doing things that these nutballs will certainly disagree with. But the hammer and sickle will not be raised over the White House, private enterprise will not be outlawed, and we won't all be herded onto collective farms. And then what will they say? They certainly won't say, "Well, maybe we overstated things a little."

to wit Sully himself writes:

This is about rescuing white America from a black president. That's all it is. And it's as vile as it is potent.

Funny, even when Bush smarmily said he had a mandate and could do whatever the fuck he wanted after barely defeating Kerry in 2004, I don't recall this fear about some sinister, anti-American agenda being unleashed simply because someone won a second term. Or Clinton either. And yet here we are. Yes, indeed, it's a real mystery. Cough. Thankfully, we have you-know-who to keep things in perspective. (Theodore intro HERE.)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Guest Post: THEODORE!

Hi everybody - it's me, President Osama!!! I fooled you all into voting for me with my voodoo, now I'm gonna fuck your shit up! I'm spreadin' the wealth, I'm takin' your guns and me and Bill Ayers are gonna blow some shit up!!! Rev. Wright Busta Rhymes, call me - we got a Cabinet to run!!!! BOO!!!!

Chris Christie's Prom Photo Has Surfaced

Sigh. Goddammit.

Good, bad, or ugly, 8 years is a long time. 2001 seems like a different world. There's people I'm incredibly close to now that I didn't know existed 8 years ago. And vice versa. I was only 28 years old. Things matter now that didn't matter then, and vice versa. 8 years is almost a quarter of my life thus far. The only thing I know for sure is 8 years from now I'll be even more depressed, thinking jesus christ...that went fast. - XMASTIME

A Conversation I Actually Had with Myself This Morning

"Can _________ somehow tell when I'm thinking about her? Hmm. Well, if that was so, wouldn't I be able to tell if someone was thinking about me? Lemme see...(long pause, sitting quietly)...no, I guess not."

Tragedy/Comedy

Dogshit on the sidewalk is not funny. Dogshit on the sidewalk with a footprint smushed in the middle of it is funny.

Barry's Going Down (heh heh heh)

Apparently the GOP's plan to win the election is to accuse Obama of being a "metrosexual, black Abe Lincoln" while pointing out that his entire reason for being is to get a second term so he can finally unleash the teachings of Jeremiah Wright on the country. I don't know what any of that really means, but to claim it reeks of desperation is akin to claiming Khloe Kardashian can wrestle a bear to the ground, ie spot-on.

Where I Am Right Now.

Meanwhile, over the past year or so I've started musing about becoming involved in a church - not for "spiritual" reasons, but in a way to meet the kind of people I don't normally meet.  I should officially give up on meeting Mrs. Xmastime after seven containers at The Nest and focus on meeting her at a pancake supper, for instance.  Or dudes with a "somewhat" different career ambition than my own (ie, exists.) Anything, that is, that gets me out into some fresh air and out of the lone-wolf angry stew I'm most comfortable inhabiting. Dare I take advantage of having to sign up with a church anyway, and see if I can find some societal comfort from it?  Meet new, (hopefully) exciting people?  Maybe.  Maybe not. - XMASTIME

Here's a picture from my buddy Drew.

CORRECTION DU JOUR

As you know I rarely edit myself, but in THIS POST the line before the first photo should read:

including France, where we see that while THIER kids are eating this:

and not what I'd originally typed:

including France, where we see that while OUR kids are eating this:

MAKES A BIT OF DIFFERENCE, I'D SAY.

Sorry, craps lock, ain't bothering to go back and re-type this shit.

"Turn that fucking rap shit down, bitch!!!!!"