My Memoirs

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(Almost) Two Year-Old Boys Are Like Girlfriends, #1

"Sandwich? No, of course I don't want a sandwich. Are you kidding me? Ugh. Hey, what's that you're eating? A sandwich? Ooooh yeah, gimme that, I'll eat that."

THE SEARCH FOR MRS. XMASTIME IS OFFICIALLY OVER

"Authorities say Szele said she had been drinking and doesn't remember the incident."

Today's Comment Hall of Fame Inductee

...advice on losing weight, from my new favorite joint, Vodka Has No Carbs:

"stop eating
just drink...you hardly ever get hungry...usually I pass out before I need to eat.
drink V8 bloody Marys and you will get your nutrients (make sure there is a celery stick)..."

I love women!!

It's Here!

Lil Brit Brit had her baby! Hooooraaaaaaaaaay!!!

My favorite part:

The person confirmed the baby's birth to The Associated Press. The person asked not to be identified because the family had not yet announced the baby's birth.

So...lemme see if I get this...CNN feels the need to respect the privacy of some stranger calling in blowing up the Spears' business, but doesn't mind turning around and announcing to the rest of the world the very info the family wanted to keep private (for now) in the first place.

CNN. I guess you can't spell "CLASS" without "ASS"! You guys are the best at what you do, and everybody knows it!! (kisses!)

Works for Me, Fuck It

I've noticed a bunch of articles lately claiming that a husband helping out with the housework leads to more sex. I dunno. Now, you can tell me that decreasing the wife's workload frees up her time and stress, thereby having more time and energy to actually have sex. But then I see an article like this one. Key quote:

"My wife has told me that she's never more turned on to me than when I'm doing housework," says Fields, a 39-year-old guidance counselor.

REALLY? Camon. Now, I can see rewarding the dude with sex for housework, but you actually believe your girl starts creaming when she sees you tapping the bookshelf with a feather duster? DOUBT IT. I'm thinking that woman are making this whole urban myth up to get men off their asses and help out. Kudos to women, this is the best idea they've come up with since...well, this may be their first one, but still. Well played.

MEN: if all it takes to get up in there is loading up the dishwasher, camon. Think of the shit you had to do when you were single to hit some skins. Load the fucker up and gets to fucking!!!

PS - for some reason my computer is jacked, can someone please post this on Craigslist for me? Thanks!

HOUSEWORK FOR SEX - Outrageously overweight bed-wetting alcoholic with no job and the back hair of your uncle's rec room carpet looking for a housework for sex trade. Every hour of housework = an hour of sex. As I'm unemployed I'm free all the time; in fact if I could crash at your place for a while that would be a w e s o m e. You: be smoking hot, creative in bed with a lot of Victoria's Secret stuff and not a lot of shame. Might wanna invest in a power flusher, I've been in a bit of a "cheese phase." xmastimer@gmail.com

Enough Already

Can we all stop barking like seals over Michelle Obama's performance on The View? We're all soooo proud!! and sooooo excited!!!! that she went on there and "held her own." Really? Ummm...lil insulting, no? I mean, she went to Princeton. And Harvard Law School. Should we really be so amazed she "held her own!!" with a group that includes a woman who's 100 years old, the lead actress of the Sister Act franchise, a 60 year-old "comedienne" that nobody has ever heard of, Elisabeth "George W. Bush is the greatest president ever not named John McCain!" Hasselbeck and a woman who juuuuuuuust isn't convinced yet that the Earth is round? Yes, we're all AMAZED she didn't break down sobbing in the middle of their intellectual gymnastics. Christ.

The Manny Tapes

TODAY SO FAR:

Good: While strolling over to "My Grownup and Me" class he turned around to hand me his juice bottle when he was done. This is a first for us - usually he hurls it into the street so I have to dodge buses frantically trying to pick it up as he cackles behind me. Grrrrr.

Bad: While in class, he picked up a doll. Unbelievably, this isn't even the bad part. It happened to be a black doll (sorry - African American doll.) He picks it up, looks at it for a minute and then walks straight over to the one black woman in the class. She looks up at me, not amused, and I hafta do the ol' over-dramatic paralyzed grin on my face while clapping my hands and saying "oh look, a baaaaaaaby! hooraaaaaaaay, baby!!!" routine. A frosty class after that.








"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You know I don't see color, Xmas! Actually, with you blocking out the sun I don't see ANYTHING, you fat fuck!!!!"

No Time To Waste!!!!

I was watching The Sopranos earlier, and AJ is delighted to learn he might be learning disabled enough to qualify for taking the SATs with no time limit.

What? No time limit? That would be my worst nightmare; that to me would be worse than bombing the damn thing. I was always a fast test taker; I never hemmed and hawed for minutes over single questions, I either knew it or I didn’t and I’m moving on to the next question. I’d ALWAYS be the first to hand in a test or quiz, and every single time it’d go like this:

XMASTIME: Here, I’m done.
TEACHER: There’s no way you answered every question!
XMASTIME: I did.
TEACHER: Your brother never even would finish this fast!
XMASTIME: so?
TEACHER: Take it back to your desk; go over all the questions again.
XMASTIME: No.
TEACHER: If you don’t take it back I’m grading it! No second chances!
XMASTIME: (already back in seat, making paper footballs while macramé-ing XMAS LOVES LIBBY over and over)

Would drive the teacher bananas when I’d get an A. She’d make a point of saying “Your brother would take his time and get an A+!” to which I’d jump up on my desk and scream “I don’t fucking have time; did you NOT fucking see WarGames?!?!?!?!?!”

Trivial Pursuit too. I know it or I don’t. I HAAAAAAAAAAATE motherfuckers who sit there for thirty minutes staring into space when you KNOW they don’t know the fucking answer. If I encounter bra I don’t know how to untangle, I instantly say “take this off” so I can get on to my heroics. I don’t fucking stare at it trying to remember the pressure point of certain metal alloys employed by Montgomery Ward’s lingerie department. Move On!!!

30 Years Ago Today

NYC's Fattest

I saw this photo in the Daily News this morning, about the school terror scare.

Umm...are you shitting me? THESE are our cops??!?!? I thought I was looking at a re-enactment of the opening credits from "What's Happening!!"!!!! For fuck's sake, did these lardasses just realize they have 2 minutes to get to Mickey D's before they stop serving breakfast?

I'm convinced I should become a bank robber now; there's no way these fat fucks can catch even me. And they're all over the place; when's the last time you saw a cop that looked like he or she was in shape? I think we know what's causing global warming now. Jesus.

Maybe I should apply for a job with the police; apparently being repulsively obese is not a dealbreaker. Boy, do I feel safe now!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN FLABULOUS!!!!

IKEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU DID IT!!!! WWOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! You came shooting out of the loser's log flume and you're the first in line to enter Red Hook's new IKEA! YES!!! Run, RUN sweet victor as you get playfully pummeled with the honorary "IKEA Plastic Yellow Dick-bats"!!!!! YOU get to be the first to empty your bank account on furniture made out of stuff "from the rooter to the tooter!"!!!! Man. Waiting in line for 48 hours was worth it, no? Will prolly go on your fucking tombstone. I mean man, there's creating a vaccine that confers IgG-mediated immunity in the bloodstream, preventing polio infection from progressing to viremia and protects the motor neurons, and then there's standing in line for two days with other people that don't have jobs to buy end tables made out of potato chips and wigs. YOU DID IT!! (overcome with emotion, I cannot type any more.)

Suicide is Painless

The guy who scrawled "Suicide is Painless" before (we think) killing himself made me think of the song by that name. Also known as "the song from MASH," alternately known as "the song nobody knew there were words to until the last MASH episode." It also reminded me of a radio show based on suicide RRTHUR (yes, ladies, THAT RRTHUR) and I did a few years ago, ending it with that very song.

Speaking of suicide, this batshit chick Michelle needs to kill herself. Apparently this is what it will take to get her to stop shitting out puppies. And do it with a gun Michelle; show us once and for all that something can enter your body without you getting pregnant. Jeez.

SUICIDE ALL-STAR WATCH FOR 2009:







"Thanks, Dad!" (BLAMMO!!!!)

Happy Birthday

To my favorite Beatle.

Mike's a Fat Fuck!

Just now somebody calling in on Mike and the Mad Dog tried to ask why Mike always come waddling into the studio about a minute late after commercials. I did the same thing in an earlier post, a post which I can now accept is the single greatest post in the history of blogging.

Click HERE.

Today's Garfield

The Office

The thing I don't get about The Office is isn't Jim way out of Pam's league? She does nothing for me. Mousy, dresses like a doily. And that mustache doesn't help things. Me, I'd plow over Pam with a Big Wheel to get up in Jan's tongety-tong. Bangin. AND her last name in real life starts with HARD!! :)








"Xmas, get in here...paper jam."

Feets Don't Fail Me Now (if I had them, that is)

I've gone back and forth on this dude being allowed to compete in the Olympics. On one hand,* fuck it let him run if he's that fast. On the other hand, what if I had a robotic arm; would I be able to pitch in the majors? Prolly not. Either way, now I gotta hear about a dude with no legs that can beat me in a footrace. Great.

His folks sure didn't wait too long before pulling the trigger on the amputation, did they? 11 months? Couldn't try steel rods, something? Hmm.

*leg?

My Life in Championships

NBA: Celtics 1984, 1986…2008!!!!! I feel like I saw every game of that 1986 season, was definitly the greatest season ever...even though I saw Bird/Magic in 1979 NCAA Final, I don’t remember 1981 NBA Finals at all. Sorry Larry!!

College Basketball: closest I came was my 1987 Indiana team…THANK YOU, TERRY HOLLAND!!! You suck!!! Virginia Final Four Teams: 1981, 1984. My favorite sports team ever:

1981 Virginia Cavaliers.
Ralph Sampson
Jeff Lamp
Lee Raker
Othell Wilson
Jeff Jones

Lost to UNC (for the THIRD TIME) at the Spectrum in Philly in the Final Four.

Side note: this UVa team won the last ever consolation game in NCAA history - beating LSU on the day it was announced Ronald Reagan was shot. Lamp and Raker's last game. Jeff Lamp graduated as the leading scorer in UVa history, with 2,317 points. I believe Lee Raker had 1,849....though actually, I think that might be Wally Walker's scoring totals. Sorry!*

NCAA Football: 1988 Notre Dame. SIDE NOTE: ND shoulda won the next year too, were it not for a questionable holding call on a Rocket kickoff return with less than 2:00 left against Colorado in the Orange Bowl. Fuckers.

MLB: YANKEES 1998, 1999, 2000…lost the World Series in 2001 and 2003

NFL: COWBOYS 1992, 1993, 1995. I remember that Super Bowl they lost to the Steelers 35-31, but I have no recollection of them beating Denver the year before. Them losing three straight NFC Championship Games in a row sucked. Eagles, 49ers, Redskins. Grrrrrrr.

* Wally Walker had 1,849 points...Lee Raker had 1,432

Come and Join the Living

As much of a bleeding-heart liberal as I am, I'm not a Kumbaya-singing dude who saves trees while sending whales to college. It's not who I am, I promise you. Somehow tonight I was listening to Peace Train by Cat Stevens. Like anybody else, I've heard it 1000 times; but for some reason tonight, it really hit me. Not because I started dreaming oh gee, here comes a train of flowers and my gay lover!! like Republicans think we do all day. Rather, all of a sudden I started noticing what the fuck he was opening each verse with...and this was 1971.

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come...
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one

In the midst of Vietnam. Nixon. No end in sight. The ridiculous optimism, foolish even. At every moment, this guy thinks he's gonna find the sunlight. Guess what Cat? People kept dying, the whole thing kept getting worse!! I find myself in the midst of this scenario, Bush/Iraq, and I offer no optimism. Zero. And that's a character fault of my own. I see darkness always; I could take a lesson from Cat. Why would someone like Cat Stevens possibly think for one minute that things were looking up?

Then I think about who we have as our next President. And I get it. And it's not a lovey-dovey hippy thing. It's a cold, rational roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-dirty-thing: it's the coolness of Kennedy, the hope of Kennedy, plus the pragmatism of Reagan. In other words, what the world needs now. Or, in simpler terms: stay cool. Period.

Heres your Chance

Reading this post over on Sully, it occurred to me: any of you hetero couples whose marriage is destroyed by the fact that gay people can officially wed, send your stories here. Seriously,I'd love to hear it. If this decision somehow renders your marriage moot, if you find the sanctity of your own wedlock destroyed because of this, write me. I will post every actual example sent in. As I stated here, before the past few weeks people against gay marriage only had haughty, generic platitudes/fear-mongering rhetoric on their side - now that it's all starting to happen, I'm offering to help you bolster your case with actual facts. Again: if you find your marriage has been destroyed by the fact that gay people may now be legally joined, let us know about it. Cause I'd love to hear it.

Heeeeeeey....I Just Got an Email from John McCain!!!!

...with the subject header:

"Double Your Impact on John McCain's 2008 Campaign!"

Really? WOW! Say, what do you get when you double "Go fuck yourself, old man!"? Put me down for that! Thanks; feels great to be a part of it all!!









"Shhhhhhhhh! Quiet everybody, he's finally asleep...aaaaattaboy...HERRO RUCKY JOE!! ooooh, I'm only kidding, shhhhhhhh...there ya go, shhhhhhhh...okay, he's down."

King Bloggah Update

Last Week: Shedworking.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Next up? Crunchy Cooking Cooks. Jesus christ. "CCC," aka "The Latin KKK." I see this mofo knows how to make homemade butter. I hope he also knows how to fucking make homemade anesthesia, he's gonna need it after this fucking blogdown.

38 Tillary Street, 8am! See you there, asshole! Bring your insurance card!!!!

Mission Statement HERE

Hmm.

Today's headline of the day:

Russert's doctor: Medics tried to revive NBC anchor.

Hmm. REEEEEEEEEALLY?

Also from today's No Shit Sherlock Times-Dispatch:

"Scientists: Pacific Ocean is Wet...VERY Wet, Actually"

Today's Garfield

My Soul Mates?

My new favorite blog: Vodka Has No Carbs. Two women blogging, featuring everything I like: obsessive talk about food, my current obsession with losing weight (albeit not doing it), they're horny (sorry, "lusty") and cuss a lot. Maybe Mrs. Xmastime? Well. Unless they're really fat, of course.

Mommy, what's a tummy tuck?
"It's just my way of saying I hate you and what you did to me, honey."

Thanks to Fashion Herald for the heads up! :)

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus and I entered a 2 on 2 tournament in Cooper Park. Here's us approaching our opponents for the first game.

Short Bus: "Don't worry fellas, this will be over quick. And me & Xmastime'll be shirts - his titties are bigger than yours, fatfuck."
Xmastime: "(sad groan)"

Here's the guys waiting patiently while me & Short Bus run our layup drills. Which actually consists of me shooting layups while Short Bus points at the opponent for 10 minutes without blinking.


Here's Brucie putting out a 'hotfoot' The Short Bus gave him.
The Short Bus: "Hey, I like Brucie."
Xmastime: "Yeah, he's nice."
The Short Bus: "Makes your dumb ass look like a genius, don't he?"
Xmastime: "(sad groan)"


Brucie throws the ball in frustration after Short Bus has scored to win the game 11-0. Brucie, it's just a game! Course, Short Bus coulda done without scoring the winning basket off of Brucie's head.


The Short Bus: "Good game, Brucie! Hey, which gym do you and Xmastime go to? HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!"
Xmastime: "(sad groan)"

Bye Bye, Willie

As much as I hate the Mets and have enjoyed their implosion over the last few months, I feel bad for Willie - the Mets have bungled this whole firing thing in about as every way possible.

But the thing that always bugged me about them hiring Willie in the first place is that they didn't let him choose his own coaches. This drove me insane. You're an owner/general manager etc; how could possibly think you know more about who a manager trusts for day to day decisions than the manager himself? An atrocious, beyond-egocentric decision. With a rather predictable ending after all.

Oh, Camon

First the incontinence. Then the dick size. And now this:



Foir fuck's sake Short Bus, you gotta copy me on EVERYTHING!??!??!??? ggrrrrrrrr!

Influenza 1918

I just watched the American Experience episode “Influenza 1918.” Good lord. Are you kidding me? I was always vaguely aware of it, but I had no idea that in the ten months of the epidemic 600,000 Americans died. More than all the wars of the century combined – as I’m watching it, all I could think was “how is it possible I didn’t know this? Am I just an idiot (always possible), or for some reason has this just been overlooked, forgotten somehow?

Of course, it was overshadowed by World War I (or, as GIHYB calls it, “The War.”) But finally at the end of the hour I found I was not alone in this thinking.

NARRATION: As soon as the dying stopped, the forgetting began.

CROSBY: It is in the individual memory of a great many of us, but it's not in our collective memory. That, for me, is the, is the greatest mystery: how we could have forgotten anything so horrendous, so massively horrendous, as this, this epidemic which killed so many of us, killed us so fast and our reaction was to forget it.

FANNIN: Why? Why wasn't that part of our memory? Or of our history. I think it's probably because it was so awful while it was happening, so frightening, that people just got rid of the memory. But it always lingers there. As a kind of an uneasiness. If it happens once before, what's to say it's not going to happen again. The more we find out about influenza virus, the more real that fear becomes.

Almost completely forgotten. Amazing. I’ve always cast a skeptical eye towards how we’ve acted following 9/11. It’s all NEVER FORGET!! NEVER FORGET!! etc; you can’t go a day without someone bringing it up to remind us of the horror of it. Yes, it was certainly tragic. But 3,000 people were killed. I read once that 749 US troops being killed during a D-Day TRAINING session. I don’t mean to be callous here, but 3,000 is not 600,000. But as a nation, we seem to love nothing more than wrapping ourselves up in flag-waving, tear-inducing ceremonies and moments to NEVER FORGET the day.

But the above quotes back up what I’ve always kinda thought. 9/11 was bad, sure; but what nobody wants to say out loud is that it wasn’t THAT bad. It was just bad enough for us as a country to embrace our very own “tragedy,” to give ourselves a JFK Assassination date if you will. To give ourselves a reason to practice rituals of collective mourning. It was a tragedy, but it was small enough that we don’t mind commemorating it with any gift shop piece of crap that we can sell. I don’t see shot glasses with pictures of Hiroshima or Nagasaki, and I certainly have never seen wifebeaters with INFLUENZA 1918: NEVER FORGET pictures on them. Something that "real" I guess it's easier to just try and forget it. Anything "real enough," we love to collectively hurl ourselves on the casket during the funeral and cause a scene. Fascinating to me.

Obama! :)

Well well well, what do you know...someone who isn't crying that we need to send every single dollar we can straight to the military to wrap us up in Chinese handcuffs while building a 9000-mile wall 40000 feet high to keep the Mexicans out. Education, infrastructure, new energy. Who knew? Wait a second...is our money not good enuff for Dick Cheney any more????

Good for Obama. Tho I wish he had come out and said exactly this before now. Course, maybe he did. You know my rule - I don't listen to non-whites til after Labor Day.

Xmastime Poll

more at twiigs.com...

"I was in Barney Miller? Wait wait...I'm high! Shit!"

Aww, How Nice!!

Even though they're getting divorced, the Hogans are going out on a double date! Good for them!

Yeah, Well, Mom Ain't Here, Is She?

Oh, For Chrissake Already...

...YES Hulk, we're looking...yes, I'm sure it's pretty sweet. Jesus. Enuff!

Oh, Look - Hulk Hogan Tells Us The Number...

...of women in this picture he'd like to fuck. Thanks Hulk!

Well, Well, Well.

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Classic Playoff

Must say, I am completely wrapped up in the Tiger/Rocco playoff. A no-lose situation for the viewer; either win is a big story. But I cannot help but think of a few things that could make it more interesting for the non-fan like myself.

- If when teeing off I can run to the hole before my ball stops rolling, I get a hole in one.
- Scorpion placed in random cups.
- Winner gets to sleep with last-place finisher's wife/girlfriend/both.
- If I can eat an entire ham a half-hour before tee-off, I get a 5-stroke lead.
- Everyone has to drink a gallon of water before teeing off, then no bathroom breaks.
- Can we get a fucking golfer with Tourette's on the tour? Camon!!!!

Rocco Mediate

Am I the first person to call him "Tin Cup"?

Don't Worry, He'll Be Done Soon Enough

The few sports that are left for Will Ferrell to make a "movie" about:

Archery
Girl's High School Volleyball
Cross Country Skiing
Decathlon
Discus
Bocce
Junior Varsity Girl's High School Volleyball

Looks like our long, national nightmare maybe over about 2014. Thank god.

Memories here and here and here and here.

Golf

I've watched about 2 hours of today's US Open playoff. Which makes it about 2 more hours than any other time I've ever watched golf. I don't really understand why they make them play a whole 18 holes for the playoff; I would've guessed one, or three. If after my sexual acrobatics I have issued whilst my lady has not, do I start over and give her the whole performance again? Hell no - then SHE'D be paying ME, right? Camon. That's actually not a perfect analogy, but I haven't used "whilst" in months, so there ya go.

I do like the way the announcers whisper throughout the thing - I guess we're supposed to believe they're standing about 10 inches behind Tiger, right? Hi Tiger! Unfortunately it sounds like someone spying on their sister fucking her boyfriend on the couch while walkie-talkieing the details to their buddies. Ugh.

I also like the way they preview each hole - every inch of it leading up to the hole, the danger spots, what the ball will do in any situation, where the optimum lies are etc etc. Cause you never know when you might go from wiping Cheetos dust on your tighty-whities to being thrust into the US fucking Open. "Let's see, Jim Nantz said on 14 to cut left..." Christ. Hey, maybe porn flicks can start doing this? "Okay, Heather doesn't go crazy when her titties are sucked so just move on, stay close to her snatch...do NOT start any assplay, as she was diddled by her grandfather there once, so you'll wanna stay away from there. Let's play."

Gay-Rod! You are Creeping Me Out!!!

I was reading this article with some interest, as I love A-rod. I don't even know if it's a joke and I just misread the beginning, but I don't care after in the middle of the article this picture appears:



Oh my god!! Jesus christ - A-Rod, you've made about $400,000 since I started typing this fucking post. Can't you pay someone to scour the internet to find and get rid of pictures that make you look like Fluffer #2 in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar??? Yeesh.

SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY IN THIS LIFETIME: "Boy, I hope that's cause Pete Rose just cut one."

Monday Writing with Snoopy

June 16

Today of course is Bloomsday, which is great cause that means there's an entire day set aside to remind me of another book I've never read. But I did read Portrait of the Artist, and I found a paper I had written back in college ("back" in college...as if it's even possible I'm anywhere near college age. grrr) on the pandybat incident. I got an A on it, tho in re-reading it right now I'm once again lead to think "how the fuck did I even get in to college, much less graduate? ugh." Even worse, I'm reading the professor's comments and, since my brain has spent the last decade+ as a dust bunny under somebody's bed, I have no idea what he's even saying.

This is well done, especially as you zero in on one scene seen three different ways. I think the names for these three approaches are biographical, historical and formalist/New Critical. (In a few weeks, just to make life more difficult, we'll introduce "New Historical" criticism, which blends all three!) In general, "criticism," "analysis," or "reading" are better terms than "critiquing."

What the fuck. Also, as I'm reading it now, what the fuck kinda school did I go to where the profesor writes that he "thinks" the three approaches are called what they are? Wtf? Or that he wrote "scene" and "seen" back to back. Or that he gleefully writes about something we're gonna talk about in a few weeks, complete with exclamation point. Or that his hand could've trembled so much the first time it laid on the small of my back as he pulled me into himself. Fucking christ.

Why Are Dogs Still Trying So Hard?

"Dogs have nearly 220 million smell-sensitive cells over an area about the size of a pocket handkerchief (compared to 5 million over an area the size of a postage stamp for humans)."

I think the one ding in the theory of evolution is that dogs still have such an acute sense of smell. I mean, has there been a more pampered species of animal over the last 200 or so years? The days of wild dogs roaming the planet, searching for food appears pretty much over, no? Now it's "okay doggie, you sit in my handbag while I pick out some raspberry bunny almond-flavored Kibbles & Bits for you." You'd think since they're not really needed as much anymore that, like the female clitoris, some of those smell-sensitive cells would've disappeared by now. Curious.

Father's Day

If we insist on Father's Day being on a Sunday, why do we have it in the fucking summer? Wouldn't it be better to have it during football season? A real Father's Day present would be for the wife and kids to get the fuck outta the house and give Dad about 14 hours to watch the games while racing through a case with his buddies, n'est-pas? Instead it's like "here's a tie, and now you hafta stand in the baking sun and cook shitty turkey dogs on a grill for us. Fuck you, dad."








"I filled the car up with gas, so grab the kids and...get the fuck out."

IKEA

The other day I was reading in the paper about the new IKEA coming to Red Hook - I don't know why I gave a shit to read about it, the last piece of furniture I actually bought myself was in 1995.

2 THINGS THAT HAPPENED ON THAT COUCH:

- delivered my "well, he ain't here, now is he?" line when girl I was making out with told me she had a boyfriend

- during a party at my house some dude passed out and pissed on the couch. I grabbed him, dragged him out of the house and threw him off the deck and into the backyard. And, because I am nothing if not a gentleman, I threw his crutches out to him so they'd be there when he woke up. Asshole!

Anyways, I'm reading about the IKEA opening and then I see that while they're opening on Wednesday, they're allowing people to get in line and camp out starting today. What? Is this a Grateful Dead concert? I mean, I would think that these aren't grubby college kids, right? The fact that these people are making the decision to, you know, buy furniture leads me to think they're reasonably mature, responsible adults. I don't see people lined up for days sleeping on the sidewalk when bank is opening. "Gotta be first in line for that syndicate loan at risk-based pricing!!!!" And it's a humungous furniture store, it's not like they're gonna run outta shit in the first hour. "Sorry, we're all outta chairs. Shoulda camped out."

If I was such a lazy ass, I'd go down there and ask these people "So...what the fuck's wrong with you?

The Most Hopefully Optimistic, and Yet Painfully Sad Part of My Day

In the shower before going out and spending extra time washing my dick. "Hey, you never know!"

Sigh.

Why Did I Open My Mouth Earlier?

Oh, fuuuuuuuck...now that I've declared my love for France because of how Dubya's crippled America, our fucking Retard in Chief is going to fuck France up too? grrrrrrrrrrrr Why do they even let him in over there - don't these people know this idiot it the Isiah Thomas of nations?!?!?!???!!

RUN, SARKOZY, RUN!!!! DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










"So come on down for our grand opening and try a crispy order of Fiasco Fries!!"
"Made from only the best pommes des terrorists!"
"Good one, George!!"

Well, SLAP Me with Some Pickle Juice and Put the Biscuits in the Oven, Charlie's Done Done It Again!!!

The latest shocking news from Charlie Daniels' Soapbox:

"I just don't have much in common with the politically correct, soap opera watching, Perrier and lime-sipping bunch."

Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? REEEEEEEEEallllllllly?!?!?!?!!?!!!????? Wow, never woulda thought!!!!

Also today from Garfield the Cat's Soapbox:

"Hey, I'll be honest: I probably will never get a pilot's license. Sorry, it's just not gonna happen. Nope."

Poe

Must say. Really enjoyed The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. Surprisingly. I remember listening to people talk about it in class and it all sounded like sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whadd'ya know. Two Xmas trees up!

Welcome Ms. Malone

I'm adding Valerie Malone to my list of people that should have their own reality shows. Just follow these people around with a camera 24/7.

Charles Barkley
Bob Ueker
Valerie Malone

Follow Val as sleeps with everybody within a 600-mile radius and pisses off her so-called friends while fucking looking like this.







"Guys, I'm just lying down on the floor now, why do you wanna film this?...oooops, my hand is in my pants...hey, where'd my watch go? Anybody like fucking?"

oh, Val!

Good One, John!

Hey, good for John McCain on this one. Cause let's face it, if there's anybody that should understand how important it is to keep wrongfully imprisoned people, you know, wrongfully imprisoned, it's him. Kudos!






















ps - John..."“one of the worst decisions in the history of this country”? Seems a bit strong, no? Who fuck writes this shit for you, the same guy that does the Hell's Kitchen promos for FOX?

Tim Russert

One thing I always loved about Tim Russert was how much he loved the Bills. No matter who he was talking to, no matter the gravitas of the subject matter, his face would light up whenever he could sneak in a Bills reference. For some reason, being a football fan makes a man seem more normal to me. And it always reminded me of how every job I got in my early days was cause at some point during the interview, I'd shift the conversation to sports. I found that if you could distract the guy with sports, get him talking about his favorite team, BOOM!! starting on Monday!

58. Christ. :(

Hiding Under My Bed in the Dark Til MIdnight

I don't like the number 13. Or Friday the 13th. I stated as such here.

ps - Theodore!! Can't you email an old friend for fuck's sake?!?!?!?!

Les Nuits Tous Les Chats Sont Gris

One more reason to love the French. Good lord. Sign me up for a fucking beret already.

Slurp!

While my mother hated living in rural, small town USA and missed the city, my father I think reveled in thinking he was raising two sturdy, down-home country boys. I remember once when I was maybe 6 or 7, and we were at some event, who knows what, and there was some sort of drink station, but there were no cups. I started whining that there were no cups and my Dad says "goddamit, you boys are a coupla rednecks, use your damn hands!!" I distinctly remember realizing at that momemnt "oh, we're different from him." A strange, though not particularly unpleasant moment in realizing a part of yourself at such a young age.

Ah, Kids

I don't really understand Facebook. I'm happy when people I know ask me to be their friends or whatever, but after that, I don't really know what to do. MySpace, I get: here's my band, listen to these songs, hey look, Bob Dylan is my friend. And having a MySpace joint was made all the more worthwhile when I went to my buddy BayonneMike's site and saw this:





Dying! :)

Good Intentions :)

After a glass of port following Sunday Dinner, my dad would try to make me feel better about not being as smart as my brother (Brothatime!)

"Hey, let's face it, you need to hit the books."
"Yeah."
"Not like this one, I mean he doesn't even need to look at the books, and he's all A's."
"So I hear."
"But you, you gotta hit the books. Like anyone else. And hey, it wouldn't take much, just - "
"twenty minutes a night"
"-twenty minutes, thats right, 20 minutes a night, that's all. You're a bright kid."
"Thanks!"
"Not as bright as this one, but smart!"
"Ah."
"Pretty smart. I mean, could be."
"Hmm."
"I guess."
" - "
"Hey, he's smart, but you got something different. Not smart like your brother, but something."
"Hmm."
"You got what the French call that 'je ne sais quos.'
"What does that mean?"
"'I don't know'"
"Great. You're not helping."
"No, that's what it means - an indescribable quality, in this case."
"Hmm."
"You've got, you know, chutzpah!"
"What's that?"
"It's a word the Jews use, you know, that special something."
And since I grew up in Tappahannock, VA I could honestly ask
"What are the Jews?"
"Never mind. My point is, you've got that special something. Different from your brother."
"Hmm."
"But you have to work to be smart. I mean, smart like him."
"Hmm."
"Hey, you're a smart kid. And don't worry about his grades, you shouldn't compare yourself to him."
"Really?"
"Of course not, he's REALLY smart!"
"But I've got, ah, what's it called, ah...hootsbrah?"
Brothahtime!: "chutzpah, idiot"
"You're an idiot!!"
"Boys, boys, no fighting...I believe your mother baked a pie?"

Anthony Weiner

Is getting my vote. And if he's not getting yours, I'm knocking on your door for a "chat."

WWXD?

Not steal from another blogger, unlike this mofo!!!

You gottsta PAY me, bitch!!!!!

Maybe We Can Tell Them We've Moved?

Michael Daly's article in the Daily News today reminded me of something I had read about the new GI Bill possibly getting vetoed for being "too enticing" - that if we give the troops a chance, they will of course opt for something other than wandering around Baghdad waiting to get blown to bits. To whit:

Having saddled the military with a botched, unwinnable war, having squandered soldiers’ lives and failed them in so many ways, the commander in chief now resists giving the troops a chance at better futures out of uniform. So lavish with other people’s sacrifices, so reckless in pouring the national treasure into the sandy pit of Iraq, Mr. Bush remains as cheap as ever when it comes to helping people at home...Mr. Bush — and, to his great discredit, Senator John McCain — have argued against a better G.I. Bill, for the worst reasons. They would prefer that college benefits for service members remain just mediocre enough that people in uniform are more likely to stay put.

Juuuuuuuuuust mediocre enough to make them stay put...BRILLIANT! These are, of course, the same troops we're supposed to cry and genuflect over and over, according to the hawks/Hannitys/right-wingers of the world. "Heroes," I believe is the word. But then of course we wanna basically keep them trapped into serving and serving and serving, I guess.

First of all, it sounds like Congress isn't spending enuff time cutting Veteran's Benefits these days!! But also, why stop at ditching this GI Bill, this chance for them to go to college after risking their lives for us? Why not go all out - whenever a guy is getting ready to leave, let's tell him his whole family was killed in a plane crash, there's no reason to go home? Have someone back home sleep with his wife so he won't wanna go home? Burn their houses down, tell them Aerosmith has finally broken up?

Hey, if we gotta keep those kids over their sweating their balls off so that when Jesus comes he'll know how much we love him, I think we can do a little better than not letting them go to college, right?

ps - didn't we call this sharecropping once? similar, at least? hmm.

Dr. Banner, You Are Fucking Up

As I said yesterday, I've been hooked on watching the old Incredible Hulk series. But as I'm watching every episode of Dr. Banner wandering from town to town having to take shitty job after shitty job (handyman, janitor, freakshow handyman etc etc) to pay his rent (and for the clothes he shreds to pieces every episode), I gotta wonder...wouldn't just turning yourself into the cops be better? Yeah, so they think you killed somebody. They're after you. But wouldn't they be a little more interested in the fact that you can turn yourself into a huge green freak with a Pete Rose wig? He roams the country looking for the cure...but if you were "cured" and then they found him, just regular ol' David Banner, wouldn't he then be fucked? I think he's better off walking into the police station "hey guys, it's me...maybe I had a hand in killing so and so, but here's what happened..." and then showing them that he turns into the Hulk. People get off all the time for schizophrenia, mental illness, etc etc....what better case of such do you have other than "...oh yeah, and when I get pissed I turn into a 6'5" hulking monster who grunts like an animal and can bend steel while picking up cars...did I mention I turn green?" I mean, I would think at that point they'd be a little more curious about the fact that you are a mutant freak than if you killed somebody years ago. I don't think they're gonna throw you in the slammer; you'd probably get a PRETTY SWEET set-up while they studied you. And if you're such a scientist, wouldn't that be what you'd want anyways? Share what the gamma rays did to you? What the fuck?

Thanks Dubya!!!!

People who read this on a regular basis may think I bash on the Bush Administration too much. Others may spend a lot of time wondering how large my dick is. Either way, when credit is due I give it up, and there is one thing that I have to stand up and give Bush and his pals credit for:

Liking the French.

Hey, this is surprising even to me. NObody hated the French more than me - I hated them back before it was "alternative"! I thought being born on Bastille Day of all days was the cruelest of jokes, I thought it meant I was, literally, born to hate the French.

But then along came Bush & Co. And the snide "we're better than the French cause we don't read books" stuff, and the over-reaching "surrender monkey" jokes et al. On and on and on. And I'm not even counting Freedom Fries. Years now of having the world laugh at us for being Jethro fucking Clampett. It's funny to me how we scoff at the French for being such surrender monkey fairies, and yet it's US who have let ourselves be ruled by fear and terror even though we are 1) thousands of miles from the Middle East and 2) HAVE OCEANS ON TWO SIDES!!! Yeah, maybe they are busy sitting around eating cheese and drinking wine, but doesn't that sound a whole hell of a lot better than the last coupla years over here? I can't afford wine or cheese cause the defense budget is $800 zillion dollars, and how can I enjoy it anyway knowing that since I'm "free" and love Jesus there are millions of people desperately swarming in to kill me? Oh yeah, and if you need to go to the doctor in France you don't hafta be a Congressman, or play in the NBA.

And so, rather unbelievably, this president's macho bullshitting and "I'm a beer-drinking idiot American!" sloganeering has driven me to like the French. He did have some help, of course. Falling in love with Gordon Ramsay opened the door to me even DREAMING of liking anything European. If I can wanna hang out with a dude from London, floodgates open. Also Ratatouille, of course. And finding out I like Monet a lot. And knowing that I'd rather lead a full life than be an "ASS KICKIN" COUNTRY!" that keeps me in Chinese handcuffs without the very freedoms I pretend to be fighting for. And knowing I don't have to prove my manliness to the whole world cause I was once a cheerleader. Did I mention Ratatouille?

Again, George, credit where credit is due. You did it, good buddy!!! :)

Sex and the City (with a Chance of Your Husband Getting Blown to Bits)

From what I've seen of the commercials for Lifetime's tearjerk-fest Army Wives, the wives of soldiers overseas are exactly how I've always pictured them: hot, designer-wearing fashionistas who don't work and spend all day and night at cosmo parties. You know, the real bread-and-butter of Middle America. Any one of millions of 19 year-old high school graduate's wives out there, I would think. Hmm.

Power Play!

Boy, that Katherine Heigl sure is a sweetie, isn't she? She's declined to allow herself to be considered for an Emmy this year.

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization"

Hmm. Some people may see this and think "wow, so honest! what a great person of integrity! wow!!" Though I imagine the people with actual brains inside their skulls might think "why doesn't she just get a t-shirt that says BOY, DO MY WRITERS SUCK! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW AWFUL THEY ARE? WOW THEY SUCK!! I AM WAY TOO GOOD FOR THEM!!

CLASSY!!!! But hey, she does kinda have all the leverage, right? I mean where the fuck will the industry EVER find a good-looking blonde chick with a hot body that can speak English? Gee, certainly not Hollywood or LA!!






Well played, Katherine! You're a GENIUS!!

Watergate

I just noticed that the Watergate is still an operating hotel. I don't know, I guess when something is so frozen in time and history, you don't think of it as functioning anymore. Like Harper Lee, or women having pubic hair. Looking at the name, I realized how lucky we got that it was such a cool name, you know? Having "gate" at the end made it so easy to stick onto other scandals, the name really snaps right in there nicely. "Watergate." "Troopergate." "Whitewatergate." "Whothefucklettheslavesfreegate." And on and on. "Gate" is perfect. What if the break-in had been, for instance, at the Ritz? Then all of our scandals sound like crackers. Or, worse, Jewish! "Katrinaritz." "Nippleritz." "Seriously,wholettheslavesfreeritz." In a strange way, don't we owe Nixon a debt of gratitude for this?

I see there's also a Hotel L'Enfant in DC. Wouldn't it be great if that had been the hotel that got broken into, and our scandals were named after that? "Spyl'enfant", for instance. "Monical'enfant." Then after 9/11 we'd get to see the absurdity of dipshits in Congress screaming on the Senate floor that we have to officially change the names, we can't have our scandals named after surrender monkeys dammit!!!!! Thus follows of course "Trooperfreedom", "Whitewaterfreedom" etc etc. Woulda been worth watching, no?









"YES!!!! Thanks, crackahs!!"