Wuthering Hizzieghts

I don't know why I'm watching it since I hate-read the book, but I notice that the classic movie version of Wuthering Heights was done in the oddly happening year of 1939. Hmm.

Earth 2.0

I see we've officially found a planet that's habitable. As exciting as this is I don't know why it could be considered much of a surprise, since as I wrote HERE I've always assumed that what we don't know about the vastness of the universe would have to make us assume that there's as much chance that there is "life on other planets" as there would be that there isn't. Hell, I'd be just as surprised if there WASN'T an exact replica of a 7-11 somewhere in the universe as I'd be if there wasn't.


On a side-note, here's a chart of the history of the universe. I had no idea that Pac-Man came about during the Electroweak Epoch (the third sexiest of all the epochs, as you already know.)

 

Too Late.

Parenting: A Box of Crackers.

You've given given your daughter the bedrock of security and encouragement that allows her to become such a outstanding scholar that she is accepted to one of the greatest, most elite universities in the nation. Presumably along with stellar scholarship you have helped her cultivate a resumé full of after-school activities, clubs, sports, and general "great part of the community." On top of all that, you have spent decades saving every penny you can so as to  sure that when the time came you'd be able to pay the insanely large tuition, all so that she can go on to do amazing things in her life as a constant source of pride for a father already bursting with it, no doubt stopping people in the streets to tell them that his baby girl got into Duke University.

And then while there she turns into a cock-craving, cum-guzzling whore who neatly types up her grisly sexual exploits on campus and finds it in the hands of every human with a computer and internet connection.

Oh well!

A Fact.

[Edith, Michael and Gloria are eating at the dinner table; Michael sighs]
Edith Bunker: What's the matter, Mike?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know. Something's missing.
Edith Bunker: Not enough salt?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Not enough Archie. It's too quiet around here.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I didn't say I like it, it's just I'm used to it. My body's used to it. When Archie's here, I eat better.
Edith Bunker: Well don't worry, Mike, he's only working overtime tonight. Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.

You can debate whether or not All in the Family is the greatest sitcom ever. But there is no doubt that it was the loudest.

Paging Tinsel & Rot

I'm assuming THIS is a joke, but who the hell knows.

“Saved By The Belding” — follow along as four troubled Saved By The Bellheads travel to California in search of Richard Belding’s long-lost brother Rod.

Shades of the John Hughes doc?

Models, Inc.

As you already know, the percentage of ladies walking up and down Bedford Avenue that are smoking hot is absurdly high, but the last few days I've noticed chicks that are not only hot, but have what I learned in my years as a Fashion Week expert as the freakishly waifish, tall body of a runway models.

Last year after my first Fashion Week with Manhattan legend The Fashion Herald I had the audacity to ask "who the hell is actually buying these clothes?" Which was followed by a long, wandering yet very impressive-sounding answer from the FH, the gist of which was "well, nobody." At the same runway show I made the following observation:

1) I learned you don’t hafta necessarily be pretty to be a model. If you have the freakishly right body, they can live with the rest. Ironically, the same can be said for an offensive lineman in the NFL. Life, eh?

All this popped into my pretty little head right now because I'm watching Man vs. Food try to devour YET ANOTHER hamburger that is roughly the size of a goat. This was, of course, after he tried to eat a sandwich called the "Fat Sandy," which has 6 burgers topped with cheese, french fries, mozzarella sticks, philly cheese steak, mushrooms, onions and peppers, all smothered in a Cheddar cheese sauce (pictured HERE, on the right...how they held off on the mac 'n cheese is a credit to their restraint.) I mean seriously, these sandwiches are fun to put together and look at in pictures, but who the fuck is actually eating this shit? Answer: well, nobody. 

So, not satisfied that their models' bodies can be ironically compared to those of NFL linemen, designers have pushed it so that the clothes they put on these Size-0, malnourished scarf 'n barf models are ironically like the nonsensically over-sized foodstuffs that exist in a Man vs. Food world: fun to put together, but who actually buys this shit?

I'm gonna hafta do some recon, but has a modeling academy opened on my block? Wtf?

Wait - What?

Don't Nobody Tell Sniffy

Yet Another...

...instance of me watching an entire Comedy Central special despite a comedienne not saying anything remotely funny the entire time. Let's add Erin Foley to the list. Sigh.

Line from The Sopranos I'd Like to Hear Happen in Real Life

"Xmastime? Oh, he's in the back getting his weasel greased."

Yowza.

Pic du Jour

Elvin!

This is easily one of the Top 5 scenes of all-time from the show; I've used that "do some major dancing on your face" a hundred times since then  :)

Cliff!

Watching Cliff trying to out-fox Clair with the cake below reminds me of when I got my ass beat for eating all the apples outta the apple pie. Ha!

Reality Bites

THIS LIST HERE includes 10 Movies That Defined Their Generation.

Most of my life I've thought of The Breakfast Club of being my age's defining movie, but now I realize those kids were an age group too old for me (5-6 years difference does a generation make at that age, after all.) I remember writing a post years ago about the phenomenon that we're more likely to be nostalgic for times that came JUST BEFORE our own, but I can't find it so fuck it.


Unfortunately for me, I'm stuck with Reality Bites, about which I couldn't agree with this statement  any stronger:

few Gen Xers would willingly claim this movie, but they're stuck with it.

Side question - are PCU or Singles a better choice than Reality Bites?

Trees Are Going to Die For This?

Snooki is writing a "novel":

In a sign that publishers are desperate enough to sacrifice class for cash, Snooki from Jersey Shore will be publishing a novel, titled “A Shore Thing.”  The Snooki book shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, as many of the Jersey Shore stars are trying to extend their 15 minutes of fame as long as possible, with The Situation pitching everything from supplements to vodka.

Surprisingly, the publisher will be Simon & Schuster, an institution that used to be considered legitimate.  According to Snooki, the novel will be “revolve around a girl looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore),” which makes it seem more like a memoir than anything.

It's hard to believe the person that would be such a trash bag of stupidity so as to read this actually exists, but here we are. It'll probably be a best-seller. I'd hate to be the brilliant writer who's dedicated his life thus far to his craft that's being told this morning "sorry, but we're passing on your book because a less-interesting version of Garfield the cat has decided to allow our ghostwriters to cobble together enough of her tweets to pretend to write a novel between keg stands. Good luck with your career at Blockbuster."

Booze

Memories of Oxford HERE:

Another highlight from Oxford was Thanksgiving 1995. Ryan and I decided we were gonna stay in Oxford and make our own big Thanksgiving dinner. No, we’re not gay. Anyways we go to Kroger that morning to get everything, and as we’re about to check out I decide I should grab a case of beer. Since you couldn’t buy beer cold in Oxford, you kinda had to plan ahead. So I come strolling up with a case and Ryan FLIPS out, yelling at me for wanting to get shit-faced for Thanksgiving Dinner. No, we’re not gay. I try to explain to him I wasn’t gonna pound it when we got home and piss all over the Pilgrims, I was just gonna have it in the fridge for later on. Doesn’t matter, he’s furious, BOOM!! We don’t say one single word to each other after that. We go through the machinations of making a huge Thanksgiving Dinner, sit down and eat it…all while aggressively not speaking to each other. No, we’re not gay. And, even better, we filmed the whole fucking thing for some reason. It’s all on videotape. You see us silently making this huge dinner, silently eating it. Our silence does not end then; it goes on for 2 solid weeks. For two weeks we pass by each other wordlessly, live next to each other in total silence. The type of simmering rage you can only have for your best friend, I suppose. No, we’re not gay. Finally at the end of two weeks I’m sitting on the couch in the living room and he strolls in to the kitchen and grabs a box of cookies. I’m not paying attention, but because of my 14-day seething rage I can tell he’s looking in the box and strapping on his “I’m fucking incredulous!!” face. Then he does the ol’ look into the box-look up at me – look back into the box – look up at me routine.

“What?” (heeey…I broke the silence!! hooray!!)
“You ate my fucking cookies!!!!”
“What?”
“You ate all my fucking cookies you fucking shit!!!” (box thrown on the floor)
‘What the – shut the fuck up, I didn’t eat you precious fucking cookies!”
“You ate my fucking cookies!!”
“I did not eat your fucking cookies fuck you!!!!”
“You fucking shit!”
“Yeah, I got your cookies, ate them all, closed the EMPTY box up, carefully put them back on the shelf and chuckled ‘ooooh, he’ll never suspect a thing!!!!’!! fucking dumbass!!!”

This went on, screaming for 2 more minutes. Finally I stormed off to my room with a big “fuck you!!” and slammed my door. After about a 10 second pause I opened the door, saw him standing in the living room and shouted “You know what? Yeah, I ate your fucking cookies! And guess what – they were fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” slam!!!

This of course was so ridiculous that within minutes we were on the floor laughing at our our ridiculousness. Rolling on the floor, entwined with each other in our youthfulness, young skin on young skin as we suckled each other’s neck. Okay, that was gay.

It’s been almost 11 years and Ryan, and I can confess…I have no idea what happened to your fucking cookies.

I bring this up because of the ridiculousness of the Mississippi blue laws 15 years ago; you couldn't buy beer that was cold, and you couldn't buy it on a Sunday (I can still taste my fury when I got busted by, of all people, another customer in line..."isn't this Sunday? He can't buy that!"  fucking dick.) So on a Sunday I'd drive across the county line to Rick's (which was of course precipitously placed LITERALLY on the country line) to get beer, and in the meantmie everybody had tricks for getting beer as cold as possible ASAP, including spinping it in ice.

The only reason I even thought of this is Matt Yglesias mentioning that even through the 1960's Mississippi was clinging to prohibition. But the only reason I even bring that up is this line that he quotes:

Along with other celebrators, the Governor dropped in on a Jackson country club for a nightcap only to find that sheriff’s deputies had got there first, smashed the liquor-cabinet door with a sledge hammer, and carted off all the whisky, wine and gin to the Hinds County Courthouse. “Paul, can’t you do something about this?” a lady in mink beseeched Johnson. “I made my stand, I took my chance,” the Governor responded, dryly.

"Dryly"!!  Hahahahaha! How could he not notice that one?

Sigh. Now that shit's funny.

McSurance

I'm on record many times on these pages as saying that McDonald's should be running the county, so when I read that they're threatening to cut their health insurance plan for 30,000 workers, I clench up and think "oh shit."

But then you see the actual plan:

I mean, it's nice that McDonald's is offering something while most fast-food restaurants don't, but let's not pretend they're being Mother Teresa here, especially considering most of their workers at these restaurants are teenagers who

1) are generally more healthy than older people
2) would rather pocket that $14 anyway
3) can, thanks to the very health reform McDonald's is railing against, be under their parents' health insurance up to the age of 26.

So I feel McDonald's is playing a bit of poker here, and it'd be a shame for the government to not call their bluff.

WELL, Well Well...

...yes, I am better than you.

n

HAPPY BIRFDAY...

...to The Flintstones, who turn 50 today.

The show, for its time, was quite advanced.  Given that The Flintstones were a cartoon version of The Honeymooners, they could do things that real people couldn’t.  Fred and Wilma were the first couple to be depicted sleeping in the same bed together.  The Rubbles, when they adopted Bamm-Bamm, became the first television couple to indirectly address the issue of infertility. They also were the leaders in the fields of alternative fuels (foot power) and sustainable living (with indestructible everything).

My favorite ever Flintstones moment is when they find Dino, who at the time was a wise-cracking dinosaur; I can still distinctly hear his surely-voiced-by-whoever-did-Snagglepuss-voice "we are making mistakes, AREN'T we?" from that one.

These Things Really Do Happen in Threes

Tony Curtis has become the third guy this week who has died that I would have already assumed was dead.

It's (Way Past) Time.

Although this does give me an excuse to quote Xmastime Hall of Famer Bob Uecker:

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor."

Speaking of Old Classics That Are On Right Now

Monday, March 23, 2009

All in The Family

The Archie is Branded episode, from Season Three, is an astounding 22 minutes of situation comedy. Packed in it are racism, thought-provoking stances about whether violence begets violence, the looming shadow of organized violence, and in the end, shocking death. All while being, of course, hysterical. I'm not sure which is stranger/sadder: how relentlessly unimportant and stupid the American sitcom (along with movies and music) has become 36 years later, or that this exact exchange goes on today in 2009:

"This guy, and everybody knows it, is always putting this country down!! As fair as he's concerned nothing abut this country is right...unless it's left!"
"I believe in this country a lot more than you do!"
"What was that?"
"That's right! Cause I believe in it strong enough to accept some changes!!"
"Well it ain't gonna accept Communism, buddy!"
"Who's talking about Communism!! I'm talking about civil rights!!!"
"That's Communism!!!!"

Check out the episode on YouTube starting HERE.

Who's the Boss, Correcting It's Own Racism

A coupla months ago I mentioned this:

The interesting thing about the first 30 seconds of the Who's the Boss pilot episode is that when spoken with Tony Danza's thick Brooklyn accent, "black eye" sounds more like "black guy," which makes these lines very funny.

Tony: Look Mrs. Rossini, you've got to admit, this neighborhood's falling apart. I mean look at Samantha. When she starts coming home with black eyes it's time for me to get out.

Sam: Ay, that's because there were three of those guys dad. And anyway, I got one guy sneezing out of his ear!

Just now an episode was on that was a retrospective, and when they started showing this scene it occurred to me to wonder if anyone on the show had noticed it, and sure enough right when Tony says that line you can tell that they went back and overdubbed it to make it clear he says "black eyes" and not "black guys."  Hahahaha!

Damn.

Greg Giraldo has died. I loved that dude.

HAPPY BIRFDAY RRTHUR! (YES Ladies, THAT Rrthur)

Xmastime/RRTHUR memories HERE.

Xmastime at RRTHUR'S wedding HERE.

RRTHUR guest-hosting HERE, mentions Xmastime stripping for Gwyneth Paltrow.

And makes fun of Xmastime HERE.

The 10 Cheesiest Movie Lines Ever

First of all, EVERY SINGLE LINE from Independence Day belongs on this list. But mostly I'm shocked that none of Rob Lowe's lines from St. Elmo's Fire made it, although I'd certainly understand it if they simply said "you know what, that's just on an other level of cheese that we're not ready for yet."

TV Guide

Today's listing for Little House on the Prairie:

The Richest Man in Walnut Grove: a company owing money to Charles goes bankrupt, leaving him deeply in debt.

What the - isn't that EVERY episode of Little House? Something bad happens to Pa so the girls have to take jobs to get some money, of course keeping so a secret from Pa while burning with shame from the scorn heaped upon them by the other children, and at the very end they present Pa with the money so he can pay off his debt at the Mercantile, causing him to bubble up and chew his fist claiming to be "the richest man in Walnut Grove" to Nels, who for a split second is jealous of Charles since his wife looks like a bag of assholes until he remembers "oh wait, I'm rich as shit."

Couldn't they have ONE episode where Pa announces he's broke and the girls yell "oh for FUCK's sake you broke-dick motherfucker: GET A JOB!!!!!!" and, amidst cheers from their classmates, blow dudes just for the fuck of it? Camon.

Nels: That's quite a family you've got there. I'd like to think my young'uns would pull together like that if things got bad, but like I said, we've always been very lucky when it came to money. Believe it or not, Charles, I think you're the richest man in Walnut Grove.
Charles: Nels, I know I am.
Nels: I'm just kidding, pig fucker. My stool has more money than your sorry ass.

Heh heh heh. Remind yall of my previous Little House genius? 

The episode I just watched featured the men from Walnut Grove playing the Green Stockings of nearby Sleepy Eye. At the end of the episode Caroline turns to Charles and says that him playing baseball is good cause it, get this, "gets you outdoors" and "gives you some exercise."

What?

This dude is a farmer! AND he works outside at a mill!!! What the fuck; has he been spending too much time inside the very house he built with his bare hands dickering around reading "Stuff Midwest Farmers Like" on his iPhone all day? Jesus. Dude's outside plowing 100 acres with a toothbrush and carrying horses around on his back and she's pissed off about the 90 seconds a week he comes inside. "Weren't you just inside 2 days ago?!?! Get the fuck outside and build a hayloft using only your feet and a leather strap, you fucking pussy!!!!" Man. Things have changed.

Good Lord.

How'd you like to be out clubbing with these two motherfuckers?

Just Ordered

The Power Of Awesome, Brave, Lone Men

Earlier this week Jim DeMint decided he was gonna try to single-handedly shut down the US Senate, and now this complete jerkoff has decided to stop $1.5B in US Aid from going to Haiti because he's decided he doesn't wanna spend $5M over five years to staff 7 people to oversee the aid.

While Coburn continues to hold up much-needed reconstruction aid over a relatively meaningless objection, “just 2 percent of [Haiti's earthquake] rubble has been cleared and 13,000 temporary shelters have been built – less than 10 percent of the number planned.” There are estimated to be 1.3 million Haitians still homeless as a result of the earthquake.

I'd ask you to wonder how quickly this money would go through Coburn if it was marked "for white guys to buy more yachts," but I think we all know what the answer would be.

Coupla Funny Guys

I'm not a comedian but I would list my three greatest comedic influences as Bill Cosby, Neil Simon and Woody Allen's Without Feathers. Whcih is funny, since unlike those three guys I have the mouth of a sewer with a mind to match.

Me: an enigmatic, mystery of a hep cat, eh?

Speaking of the Cos, which I have been all week, I'm reminded how much my mother loved Kenny on The Cosby Show. Every time that kid opened his mouth, she'd totally crack up.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

I understand the media's need to copycat one another with absurd sensationalism, but articles like this asking "Did Gordon Ramsay drive chef to suicide?" are irresponsible, inane and incredibly stupid. Yes, I'm very sure the guy thought to himself "gee, that Chef Ramsay said some mean things to me three years ago, I should probably kill myself." Anyone with a brain would find that not even remotely plausible. And hell, if that WAS the case then surely this was a specimen that the human race can do without anyways.

Of course, I may be biased since I've met Gordon and we're great buddies.

My Next Project

Write a movie wherein one of the main characters is always in a mascot suit.

So Fucking What

This past weekend was my 20th (ugh) high school reunion. I didn't go. For some reason I think I'll got to my 25th though.  I didn't go to my 10th either, but at least out of not going to that I got the one thing I've ever done that anybody's ever liked, so enjoy.

Today's Are You Shitting Me? Not Photoshopped Pic Du Jour

From HERE.

Pilots

Salon continues it's "Best TV Pilots" series today with sitcoms; obviously I take umbrage with The Cosby Show only coming in 6th, but it's pretty awesome to be reminded of how great The Wonder Years pilot was. Christ, it felt like a full-length movie at the time.

The Top 10

Craziest Ironic Deaths of All Time.

Inspired of course by the Segway company owner dying the other day on a Segway. Good lord. Every one of these is great. For example:

In 1989, convicted murderer Michael Anderson was awaiting the electric chair for the charges bestowed on him.

The universe decided, then, that the US Criminal Justice system was being a little too slow for it, so as the man was on his metal toilet (a fate horrible enough in of itself) he tried to fix his television. And to prove exactly how great of a decision-maker he was, he decided to bite down on a wire of his television while sitting on this metal toilet. This electrocuted him, using the wet metal toilet as a conductor, and killed him with the voltage.

Neil Simon

Ever since I was a young buck, this has been one of my favorite books of all time, so I will now rank the plays in order of how much I like them.

The Star-Spangled Girl
Come Blow Your Horn
The Odd Couple
Barefoot in the Park
Plaza Suite
Last of the Red Hot Lovers
Promises, Promises

More Lottery

Right on cue, after talking about the futility of playing the lottery I hafta see THIS GUY:

57-year-old Ernest Pullen of Bonne, Terre Mo. won $1 million on a scratch ticket back in June. This month, he won $2 million on another ticket. Pullen told the AP he considers himself a "lucky guy."

Actually, now that I think of it, I remember talking to a guy a few years back when I was "in real estate," and he (his name, I recall, was actually "Montgomery") claimed that not only had his father once won a million dollars in the lottery, but had "figured it out."

"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Ooh," Monty self-assuredly nodded, "he knows how to win it whenever he wants."
"The lottery?"
"That's right."
"Then...why doesn't he win all the time?"
"Hmmm," Monty gave me that oh, you know why, don't you? look. To this day, I have no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

Hold Up. Hoooooooold the Fuck Up.

2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees:

Alice Cooper
Beastie Boys
Bon Jovi
Chic
Neil Diamond
Donovan
Dr. John
J. Geils Band
LL Cool J
Darlene Love
Laura Nyro
Donna Summer
Joe Tex
Tom Waits
Chuck Willis

Neil Diamond isn't already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Is this a fucking joke? Really?

The Lottery

I think it was the HBO doc Lucky where I first heard the axiom that you have as much chance of winning the lottery by NOT playing as you do by actually  playing, and this simulator HERE brings that fact home.

Here's my own "winnings" via the simulator.

You played 1040 games of Mega Millions. It cost $1040. You won $73. 

Ugh. Two tickets a week for 10 years!!!!!! Wow. Hideous.

At least I've always known that the randomness of winning dictates that the few times I've played means I only buy one ticket; nothing's sadder than the poor fuckers buying multiple tickets. Hey, here's some real history - the very first "Things Are Good"!! :)

6) Why do people buy multiple lottery tickets? Don't the laws of such complete randomness tell us that you have the exact chance of winning with 1 ticket as 100? If your odds of winning are 1 in a billion or whatever, you're better off buying one ticket, and using the other $99 on booze to soften the blow. "11 18 23 36 38 43...great. I'm still poor" (glug glug glug)

My favorite ever lottery memories are from my boy Harry, about whom I wrote HERE in what will probably always be my greatest post of all time (and, interestinghly enough, originally posted onGodIHateYourLottery's birthday.)

5:30pm The last hour or so usually sucks, I always hope they go off topic such as “top ten movies.” This is fun cause now Mike has to pretend he’s never seen a movie in color except The Godfather. "Tom Hanks? Who's that?" And Dawg always asks Mike for his lists, never vice versa. Of course the Babe Ruth of these time-wasters is the Ratings Game, wherein Dawg reads out recent games to Mike who then tries to guess that games national and local television rating. At first you think they’re kidding, they GOTTA be putting you on, but you look at Mike and he looks like he's cracking logarithms on the bowl over there. And no matter how far off he is, he always nods his head as if he understand WHY he was off. “Dawg I’m gonna say for Giants/Boys, I’m gonna say 8.2 national, 10.1 local.” “They did a 6.6 national and 8.9 local.” Now Mike starts nodding his head, “okay, okay, I can see that.” And Dawg acts like he’s at a funeral, crestfallen “Mikey, that a tewwible wating! That’s an awful job by CBS, Mikey...just awful...” while Mike nods his head. "Well Dawg, it was the 3rd-to-the-last nice day left in the summer, so I knew that..." Are we supposed to take this seriously, that Mike really thinks he can guess these numbers? This reminds me of a guy I used to work with, Harry. EEEEEVery day Harry would check his lotto numbers from the night before and try to match them with his and see what he did wrong. “Okay, they have a 12, I chose 14...okay...22, I said 28...” I’m like Harry, it doesn’t matter, it’s completely random! But he insisted he was figuring it all out. My secret hope for the stupid ratings game is this is actually an inside joke they’ve been playing on listeners for years and are just waiting for the day someone finally phones in and calls bullshit on ‘em. “This ratings game, you’re fucking with us, right?!” Dude “wins” a weekend at Hooters with Mike, we never hear this stupid game again.

Also, here's memories of me and The Gnat in Shirley Jackson's The Lottery  :)

Oh for Fuck's Sake; Is There a War Obama WON'T Cut and run Out On?

Oh, Fuck Cats

I hate cats, but I LOVE croissants, so...obviously this is pissing me off.

Behind the Highlights

I just no stumbled upon ESPN Page 2'sb>Behind the Highlights Series, "which will examine the details of compelling, obscure, breathtaking and stupefying video clips, as told by the figures in and around the action."

First up? This "are you shitting me?" run by Earl Campbell. I guess this is like an NBA player getting "posterized" today. This dude got, and I hate that Stuart Scott video bullshit, but it's applicable here: jacked up.



Also, the series is oddly reminiscent of my own FOOTNOTES series, which I like.

The clip is played over and over and over in hopes of learning the details around the play. When did it take place? Which team was the opponent? Who's the unlucky player on the wrong end of that hit … and did he survive?

The thrilling mystery of random people caught in photos always gets me.  I sense I'm gonna become obsessed with this series.

Now my head is spinning trying to think of a clip for the series!  :)

Although the Campbell-Downs collision occurred before the proliferation of sports media and long before the emergence of the Internet, it's still somewhat surprising the clip has remained relatively obscure. After all, Campbell went on to become an NFL superstar, and Downs also enjoyed a successful career at the next level. Yet the play lives on only in the form of a grainy clip posted in cyberspace, beckoning fans to relive that Oct. 1, 1977, collision at Memorial Stadium.

Of course, there are a few people out there who don't need YouTube to remember the play.

DOWNS: "I met a guy who played at Oklahoma. I think he was a defensive back as well. I met him four or five years ago, just by happenstance. He told me 'I remember this play,' because I think Oklahoma was playing them the next week, and so they were looking at film from our earlier game. So he told me that he remembered me getting run over by Earl, from watching the film. I was like, 'Man that was like 20, 25 years ago, and the first time you meet me, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is that play.' We laughed .

Teddy Sendoff

Apparently it was 50 years ago that Ted Williams gave baseball the "most famous farewell in baseball history." I've always known and admired his "fuck you" refusal to acknowledge the fans even after this landmark sendoff, but there's some other nice tidbits as well:

- Williams not only ended his 1960 season with a home run but began it with a home run, as well. In his first at-bat on Opening Day, he hit a tape-measure shot over the 31-foot-high wall in center field (421 feet away) at Washington's Griffith Stadium. Ted pulled a muscle during his Opening Day home run trot and was out of the lineup for almost a month.

- The announced attendance for Williams' finale was just 10,454. In other words, when the greatest player in Red Sox history played his final game, Fenway Park was two-thirds empty for his goodbye. It was a different era.

- Williams' home run inspired a classic piece of sportswriting, John Updike's "Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu" for the New Yorker. In it, Updike explains Williams' refusal to tip his cap despite the fans' desperate pleas, by writing this famous line: "Gods do not answer letters."

- Ted's final game came 19 years to the day after he went 6-for-8 in a doubleheader on the final day of the 1941 season to finish the year at .406. He is the last major leaguer to hit .400 in a season.

You can read Updike's awesome story HERE.

Also there's a nice listing of other greats' final at bats. Mickey popped up  :(

No mention, however, of how Williams' final at bat stacks up against my own. Interesting.

Of course I went 4 for 5 with the GW RBI, then followed the next week going 7 for 8 in a 2-game All-Star tourney against Lancaster & Northumberland (including my last-ever LL at bat, a triple that should've been a fucking "Thanks Little League, it's been for reals!!" Home Run Finale send off, but I was held up at third base by Drew Allen's fucking father. Thanks, "Coach." Grrrrrrrrr.)

Food Trucks

Over the last few months a seemingly endless supply of food trucks have popped up on Bedford Avenue, including my quesadilla joint HERE, and the folks over at Serious Eats are asking what kind of food truck would you like to see?

The National Enquirer says that Rachael Ray is starting her own gourmet food truck company, serving food on the streets of LA, Chicago, and New York. Perhaps she's going for a Street Food Oscar? 

There's so much great street food these days, but there isn't a truck for everything. If you had a meatball sub truck near your office, would you grab lunch there? What about a mac-and-cheese truck? What food trucks would you love to see? 

I'm surprised there's not  a fried chicken one nearby. A dream of mine has always been to have a fried chicken shack where all I do is fry chicken and listen to the oldies station all day, so I don't see why that couldn't be done in an (incredibly well air-conditioned) truck. Also, what with their being a million bars on Bedford open til 4am, why is there no White Castle truck? Camon!

Born to Sniff

Apparently the word on the street is that Sniffy Wiffy was booed last night on Dancing with the Stars, including HERE. I can't really say why the crowd would do that - isn't she simply just another hack pretend politician using her kid to get in front of millions and millions of people for some free publicity for her upcoming copy-and-paste "book " Mama Grizzly looking to support her children?

Also, maybe what people don't realize is that while what they THOUGHT they heard was "booooooooooo!!!", maybe it wasn't that at all. For instance, I've been to several Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen shows (yes, I've met him, but seriously, you know I don't like to talk about that shit, this isn't about me, or me and Bruce, whom I've met (along with his wife/sister/mama/Uncle Juan.)) Throughout any Springsteen show, the crowd is constantly shouting 'BRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!" which, to an undiscerning ear, might sound like "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Certainly the crowd recognizes Palin to be what they also see in Springsteen, a hard-working "regular Joe" who simply wants to do good work for "the folks", and in recognizing such selflessness they were in fact shouting out 'BRUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!" to note the similarities between the two working-class heroes. After all, Bruce makes a point during every concert to urge people to donate food to their local food banks, and Palin practically does the same by suggesting to a FOX-fueled audience that Obama is Hitler times Stalin, so it's kinda six in one hand, half-dozen in the other, right?  So perhaps the crowd wasn't saying "you're absolute fucking retarded pig-trash and you need to stop staining this nation with your very presence," they were saying "play Thunder Road, we love you and your tireless efforts to help those less fortunate than yourself!!!"

I mean, camon people. Keep an open mind, for chrissake.

Goodfellas: Overrated?

This month marks the 20th Anniversary of Goodfellas, and a coupla fellas HERE debate the question "Is Goodfellas overrated?"

While like everyone else on the planet I've seen it a gazilLion times since it's always on, I'm not a film or Scorcese expert so I'll leave the details to you film nerds, but I would guess that when it comes to anything THAT big, THAT successful that has become so embedded in pop culture, along with a director for whom all the same things could also be said, of COURSE it's probably over-rated. How can it not be? And really, is anybody worried Goodfellas hasn't gotten enough praise in the last two decades anyway? It's probably not the "genius" film that a movie starts to become in the psyche of generations who are used to it being plastered on the tv 24/7/365, but what possibly could be?

Conversely, the only things UNDER-rated in this world so far are Dutch and The Equals. And hell, both of them made my Xmastime Hall of Fame, so. even they're getting some cred   ;)

ps - and, of course, PETER LEROY!

Braylon Edwards

Braylon Edwards didn't learn his lesson when he was in the car a few years ago when Dante Stallworth plowed over a guy and killed him, so to think he's going to "learn anything" from being benched for a whole quarter (wow!) is laughable. But then, the Jets are fucking laughable.

Rex Ryan has two kids. Of course I'm not wishing it upon them, but if they get plowed over by a drunk driver, one place you will not be hearing a lot of boo-hooing "poor Rex!" will be on this blog. Once you've signaled that you're okay with a guy getting behind the wheel with twice the level of alcohol in his system as is legal and shooting a weapon that weighs several tons down the street at whatever miles per hour, you've forfeited the right for me to give two shits when it bites you in the ass.

And So Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1989

Moi ICI:

I took three years of French in high school, and then another year in college. After bullshitting my way through the three years in high school, I was able to remember exactly one sentence: les nuits, tous les chats sont gris. I had been a stud in Latin class, but then spent three years going "eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." while stalling for my French teacher to call on somebody else. But the best was in college, where my French professor made fun of us for being too stupid to go to a real college. "Hey, they PAY me to be here." He also coined my college as "The Harvard on the Appomattox." Awesome.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn now marks the second straight book I've read that includes my pet phase "at night, all the cats are gray," along with this Ben Franklin book I mention in a post wherein Benny Frankenballs talks about knockin' dust offa them sugar walls is just as good (or better) than some young, sweet honey.

What the fuck? Two straight books? And this streak coincides with my high school reunion last weekend. High school reunion, plus my signature go-to phrase from high school popping up everywhere? I'm not saying that this is somehow proof that my high school girlfriend and I are going to be getting back together, but can you really say that it proves otherwise? Fucking spooky, n'est-pas? Maybe I can finally get my letter jacket back then.

Sigh.

6) After not responding to my calls/pleas on this site etc, I saw my high school girlfriend over Xmas. To her credit, she kept things cool, as her husband was there, and did not let on at all that we're about to start our lives together. I could not help but smile when she climbed in his lap and made out for a while and told him how much she loved him. "Well played," I chuckled, "no one here suspects a THING." I did think her taking him upstairs and then coming back with her hair messed up and her sweater missing was laying it on a bit thick, though. "Easy," I thought. "We're not looking for a goddam Oscar here."

Last Meal

Glenn: "So you would choose your last meal based on the method of execution?"
Elaine: "Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything too heavy."

Some interesting notes on last meals of death row inmates. Why is the photo they use one of a guy on the phone - is he ordering Domino's for his last meal? Wtf? For some reason this has come up at my office a few times; my answer is usually a replica of Sunday dinners as a kid (roast chicken, peas, Stove Top, mashed potatoes, homemade apple pie with Breyers vanilla, and homemade rolls.) Though now that I think about it I wouldn't mind a Pat's cheeseteak thrown in there too.

Even in such a desperate moment, I'm not sure I could keep a straight face and not fuck with the order. "This isn't mine." "Can you send this shit back? Bring the chef out!!" et al. "Are there peanuts in here? I'm allergic, for chrissake!!!!"

MTV2 Legit - MTV Shows

Mayo

Xmastime buddy Kdawggy re-professed her love of mayo on Facebook, which reminds me of a plea I'd still like McDonald's to fucking heed:

For fuck's sake - how bout putting the mayo on the McChicken sandwich AFTER you've fucking nuked it, not before? Fuck! You know me - I'll eat mayonnaise off the street, but I don't like it fucking boiled. Who's the wizard behind this shit?

Werd. Put some mayo on this mcfucker!

The Great Brain Movie

As you already know, I loved The Great Brain book series when I was a young buck, but I never knew until just now that there was a movie made based on the books in 1978 starring Jimmy Osmond as Tom. You can see the whole thing on YouTube.

Article about the mysterious author, John D. Fitzgerald, HERE.

Previous Cosby Xmastime Classic

From November 28 2007:

As I've mentioned several times throughout this blog, my Dad was a no-nonsense kinda guy. He never pretended his role was to be my "buddy" or "pal;" his job was to put bread on the table and scare the hell out of us. Although he very rarely administered the beatings himself, I'm fairly certain that the reason I wasn't a huge troublemaker as a kid was the prospect of going home to him and having him literally kill me and bury me piece by piece under the shed out back. Handel's "Messiah" quietly playing while he shaves the skin off my bones in his easy chair as my mother serves him a bowl of butter pecan ice cream. Like the Fonz he never lost his temper or hit anyone, but he had that old-school air of well, maybe that could all change at any moment. And these were the "old days", ie if another adult plowed over me with a car my dad would yell at me for getting in the way of the car while refusing to bring me to the hospital.

So it always cracks me up on sitcoms when the father is a funny, goofy gentle sort, always kidding around with the kids and being silly, and one of the kids does something to get himself in trouble and we gotta go through the motions of "Dad's gonna kill me!!!!!" Siblings laughing, "wait til Dad get's home, you're DEAD!!"  Really? I haven't seen this dad be mean once in all the seasons, he's usually always trying to be funny. You're really scared of this person? And then when you see the father find out, and the kid is cringing, awaiting the father to kill him...and the father starts cracking jokes et al. Now me, even to this day, if I fuck up and the person who should be pissed starts laughing instead of yelling, I enjoy this much better and indeed try to add as many laughs as possible. But on these sitcoms, the kids are required to act chagrined they're getting laughed at, acting pissed/embarrassed. Instead of "thank god, I'm gonna live!!" they almost challenge the father to punish them. Whack.

One of the worst offenders of this is my show of shows, "The Cosby Show." How many times did we hear "ooooooh, dad's gonna KILL you when he finds out!!!!" only to have Cliff stroll in, look serious, and then riff for 5 minutes at the kid's expense? Not once did my father do that; before being punished I was never treated to a few minutes of him warming up for his Catskills Tour. "...a D in geography, son? can you not locate your brain on a map?" (cue laugh track, bowl of butter pecan appears.)

I Must Say

I'm fairly shocked that I lived in Williamsburg for almost 13 years before running into someone who had a dog with the oh-so-clever name "Iggy Pup."



"What the...I'm a fucking hipster??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!"

Emergency Xmastime TV Alert Update!!!!

The Cosby Show pilot is on AGAIN at 9:30!!!!!!!   :)

Great Line from The Cosby Show

From Goodbye Mr. Fish, the second episode from the first season. Cliff is threatening to ask the Reverend to come speak at the flushing of Rudy's dead fish Lionel:

Theo: He's a minister Dad. He'll tell God we're crazy!

Bacon

Since I live and breathe on Planet Earth, I love bacon. I'm wondering at this very moment whether bacon bubblegum exists, since it should. And I love cheeseburgers. And I love pizza.

But I do not like bacon on my cheeseburger OR pizza.

Me. I am one enigmatic, hip mystery of a cat.

Games People Play

THIS PAGE HERE has a "guess the celebrity cleavage" joint.

Personally, I prefer my own "Whose Cameltoe Am I?" game, but then I'm a bit more classy than this other fellow, so.

Unsheet du Jour

more HERE

Emergency Red-Alert Xmastime TV Alert!!!

The Cosby Show
8pm
Centric

Centric (Channel 89 in NYC) is, for third time in 2 days, kicking off a Cosby Show marathon with the pilot. Yes!!!

Oh No - Which Kardashian is Which???

Fireside w/Xmastime

I missed my high schhol reunion this weekend, so I'll send this classic out to you ladies  :)

I Am Still Pissed

that I have not received proper credit for being the King of the Goddam Boop. Shit's still going on without me getting my benjamin$!!!

First Eddie Fisher...

...and now George Blanda has joined my "Dudes that just died that I would've assumed had been dead for decades" list.

The Sound of Oprah

When we were kids my Dad would try to make us watch the yearly airing of The Sound of Music by telling us that we were related to the Von Trapps, so THIS seems pretty cool.

In a development that is sure to bring tears to the eyes of anyone with a heart, Oprah Winfrey has announced she will reunite the cast of The Sound of Music on her Oct. 29 show. What’s that sound, you ask? Why, it’s the hills, alive with the sound of my excitement! Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer will be in attendance — an “Edelweiss” performance better be on the show’s schedule — as well as the Von Trapp kids: Charmian Carr (“Liesl”), Nicholas Hammond (“Friedrich”), Heather Menzies-Urich (“Louisa”), Duane Chase (“Kurt”), Angela Cartwright (“Brigitta”), Debbie Turner (“Marta”), and Kym Karath (“Gretl”). It will be the first time in 45 years the Music cast has been together.

I Fucking Hate Russell Brand

Grrrrrrr.

Sure, I'll Tickle You

"I know you better take that back"

Also, this is one of my all-time favorite scenes. Cliff reacting to the pizza is priceless.

My Guy

To me, the absolute gold standard for sitcom plots will always be the first episode of The Cosby Show.

The Truth. It's a Fucking Bitch.

"China is doing moon shots. Yes, that’s plural. When I say “moon shots” I mean big, multibillion-dollar, 25-year-horizon, game-changing investments. China has at least four going now: one is building a network of ultramodern airports; another is building a web of high-speed trains connecting major cities; a third is in bioscience...; and, finally, Beijing just announced that it was providing $15 billion in seed money for the country’s leading auto and battery companies to create an electric car industry... Not to worry. America today also has its own multibillion-dollar, 25-year-horizon, game-changing moon shot: fixing Afghanistan," - Tom Friedman.

The Beatles at Shea

The Emmys. They're Over.

HAPPY BIRFDAY PADDY MAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pigfest 2009 HERE

Christmas 2007 HERE.

Summer in VA HERE.

Paddy Mac guest-starring on The Manny Tapes HERE.

FRIDY NIGHT KIDDIE FIGHTS HERE

Our bond HERE.

They H8in'

Darkness On the Edge of The Guy That Was in Primal Fear

John Boehner made a personal appearance at the World Premier screening of "The Promise: The Darkness on the Edge of Town Story" at the Toronto International Film Festival.

Here's a brand-new clip of Boehner's interview with Edward Norton:

YES Bruce, We See You. Fucking Christ.

From HERE:

All I can say is “someone has way too much time on his hands!” Who would have ever imagined, a soon to be married couple, having photos professionally taken on a New Jersey beach would be fortunate enough to have the one and only Bruce Springsteen stop by and join in? According to Backstreets BTX, Bruce used the soon to be groom’s guitar to serenaded the couple.  

Mukluks: Andtheend

Yes, I Know I'm Going to Hell

I understand you were born with an incredibly rare case of craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, so there's nothing you can do about your face. But there's seriously no excuse for that hair.

I Don't Want Your Freedom - Wham!

I have no use for contemporary fiction. I don't care. 90% of the themes has been recycled 1000 times; surely I would rather read such a theme in a book time-tested through a hundred years and taught in universities. Less diluted. I have a million classic works of fiction I am behind on, so I don't need anybody excitingly passing along whatever flavor of the week you're passing around with your friends. Blech. This also includes memoirs of "whacky characters" a la Confederancy of Dunces, Running with Scissors et al. Reading people marveling about their own neuroses bores me. 

I'm pretty much in agreement with THIS FELLOW re: Franzen. Of course it might actually be the greatest book in the history of the world, I have no idea. As I've written before, I'm not a fan of contemporary fiction anyways, but my spidey senses always tingle whenever a book leaps SO totally into another stratosphere of reviews/everyone demanding "you have to read this!!!!!!" On one hand it's like music critics who just decide to write whatever the others are writing just cause it's easy (see the Strokes endless "Television meets Velvet Underground!" reviews from 2001 that surely came off a mimeograph machine...whatever the fuck that is.) And when these very books become the one book some people read every four years, my spidey senses tingle even more.

Obviously this says more about what an obstinate fuckwad I am than about Franzen, or contemporary literature or anything else. But, as Popeye said, "I yam what I yam." Okay fine if it shuts you up I'll read The French Lieutenant's Woman    ;)

ps - I HAVE softened up a bit in the two+ years since I wrote that first bit, I did read A Confederacy of Dunces.

Well. This is Disappointing.

The Nailympics. It's about....nails. Hmm.

There goes my chance at medaling for my country   :(

Marah Doc

Pretty cool video of Dave yammering that I don't think I've seen before (with nice Archie Bunker at the end!)

Remember, buy LIFE IS A PROBLEM!!!! :)

Update

Nobody even remotely gives two shits  People have frantically been emailing me asking what the explosion on the bus was, which I neglected to mention in the post. It was my hymen breaking. No, seriously, it was some plastic "window" popping out of the bathroom. Sorry to once again, people that could give two shits  those of you who were forced to face that most ultimate of fears: you almost lost Xmastime!