Tonight's PBS

Show about nuns in 1950s London delivering babies? Of course I'm in.

Cliffy!

Via Brothatime!! I got this great oral history of Cheers, and this quote jumps out:

Ratzenberger: It was the last generation of writers that had grown up reading books instead of watching TV. So you weren't getting anything that was derivative of I Love Lucy or Happy Days. You were getting real characters [like those] they read in P.G. Wodehouse or Dickens or somewhere along the line, because they had all grown up with a love of literature.

Pleased to Meet Me

Apparently, every Westerberg quote I've ever heard came from this Replacements interview on KROQ in 1987.

Nancy Xmastime

Nancy B, a Mrs. Xmastime Hall of Famer, is officially the last white woman to make candied apples, the holiday fruitcake of my generation: like a nun, has anyone ever actually eaten one of these things?

Hey, here's a picture of Nancy I just found.








SIDE NOTE: I like how they blur her eyes. Like "gee, I know a lot of women who weight 900lbs, if only I could see her fat eyes...dammit, who IS this?!??!?!"

BREAKING NEWS: Maine Has Culture

Happy Birfday Paddy Mac!

(this post is from 2007, obviously I'm too fucking lazy to come up with anything new. hey, sue me)

Here's a roll thru Paddy Mac memory lane:

Hello Paddy Mac!

Paddy Mac vs. Theodore Album Review

Paddy Mac hits the mats!

Fall 2006

From a few summers ago.

Yes, I Am the Biggest Pussy in the World

VIA XMASTIME:

I've seen maybe 6 episodes of Scrubs in my life, but just stumbled on the series finale (which ALWAYS get me!!! fucking series finales, I'm like fucking putty in their hands!  fucking christ) and they had the requisite slow-montage of tearjerker moments, and they did it to this song, and fucking hell I about fell apart like a fucking schoolgirl. Fucking christ. Do men have periods? Am I pregnant? Everyone was right, I'm a pussy faggot. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

State du Romney

One thing that's so strange about Mitt Romney is how unassociated he is with a particular state. I mean, he was governor of Massachusetts, but does anybody really think of him as being a Chowderhead? He grew up as son of the governor of Michigan, but does anybody think Romney = Michigan? Can you even dream up a guy less likely to know what an assembly line looks like? Maybe we align him with Utah because of his Mormonism and the Olympics, but oh gee what do you know, he's never actually lived there.

Obama was the city of Chicago, and everyone knew it. Bush claiming to be some sort of hardscrabble Texan was complete bullshit, but he sold it like a motherfucker. Clinton was the guy from Hope, Arkansas. Carter was Georgia and Reagan was everybody's grandpa. I don't wanna play into the whole "Romney is a robot" meme, but, again, he was the chief executive of a state which nobody, including himself, even remotely associates him with. I'm not saying this whole idea is good or bad, I'm just saying it's kind of weird.

NYC

Heartbreaker was an incredible album but I wouldn't call myself a Ryan Adams fan; by that I mean I haven't really given a shit about anything he's put out since, no matter how impressed I am that he married Mandy Moore. But I'll never forget a coupla weeks before this video came out, when he was playing the same show as Marah and I was regaling him and Dave with the story of how I'd gotten kicked out of the Mercury Lounge the night before. He was very amused and told me shit man, that's hard to fucking do. Two hours later I brought down the house with my egg-shaker riff during Marah's version of Can't Hardly Wait, but that's for another day.

Amen

Moi on "Undecided Voters" back in 2008:

Christ. And then this "I need some details" shit. Hey, I was hard on Obama in the beginning re: his vagueness. But over the last year or so his details have been folded out. No, he has not come over to my house, sat me down and slowly explained everything with charts and graphs while jerking me off and checking my prostate. I have, you know, paid attention. For fuck's sake, we're living in the age of the Internet...take about 4 seconds, go to the candidate's websites and read EXACTLY what they stand for on EVERYTHING!

Fucking idiots.

Yes I'm Giving Myself One More Night to Cry in My Beer About Brooklyn Eff You If You Don't Like It

Sorry Adriana But No, I Guess I Haven't Been Getting Your Emails.

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know
who this is its ME Adriana. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and aren’t married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there.. do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. I currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what I did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like I figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like isaid before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room... if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. I really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u don’t wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hoping to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im outfor now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana FREE VIP BYPASS LINK

Still NYC

Also while I lived in New York City, three of the original Ramones died. This video came out today.

LEAVING

When I moved to New York City I had $7, which I immediately spent at White Castle. Then I spent weeks going from door to door asking for a job, with those roasted peanut carts wringing my goddam guts out block by goddam block. And I will never forget the moment I'd had enough, when I said "fuck this!" and I was gonna chuck it all in, that I for some reason entered the old Tower Records on 42nd street, and this fucking song kicked off as I opened the door, just as if it was watching me. The timing was so perfect, I WAS that dude walking down the street singing.  I don't give a fuck about the band, or the album, or the song itself, but I will always remember that moment as the moment I realized I belonged in the fucking city. It was the moment of my life. And I'll never forget it. - XMASTIME

The only problem with living in New York City is that the only stars you ever see are on the ground. - XMASTIME

I've never really thought of myself as a "real" New Yorker, but since I've moved away I've had a hard time looking at this blog and not feeling somewhat distant from it. After all, I had almost 17,000 posts before, all while living in Brooklyn. I don't live in Brooklyn anymore, so I look at all the thousands of daily, mean-nothing posts as I would a scrapbook or journal, which is both really fun and totally depressing.- XMASTIME

 This reminds me of when Op and I joined the Williamsburg Softball League in 2003. We assumed everybody hated us and would turn their noses up at us, so we parked ourselves next to the Turkey's Nest toilets (Favorite Playah shoutout!) and hated on everybody. To our great disappointment, over the years we learned that most everybody was actually really nice, if not way nicer than ourselves, even. It was a total fucking drag in a way that can only happen in your youth. - XMASTIME

Maybe it's because the trip was such a whirlwind, about 36 hours, maybe half of which was even remotely sober, but I shouldn't be this sad about leaving Williamsburg after my visit this weekend. I mean, it's not like four months ago when I was leaving for good, and Rrthur (YES ladies, THAT Rrthur) graciously pretended he couldn't hear me sniffling and chewing my fist in the passenger seat.

And it's not just my friends I miss so much…it's even the other faces I've simply gotten so used to seeing after so many years. I was flooded with people happy to see me after these months whom ten years ago, when softball started and Op and I would park ourselves in the back of the Turkey's Nest and hate on everybody, it would be unfathomable to think how happy I would be to see them. As the game marched towards its end Sunday, knowing it would be the last Reel to Reel game I'd ever be involved with, I really got sad. Last 8th inning ever. Last chance to use my "coming down!" joke with Op between innings. Last time ever to yell "see ya!" when Watty would pop one up behind the catcher. Last 9th inning ever. Last out ever. Last last.

One thing I have to understand is how long I lived there. Not just in number of years itself, but in WHICH years they were. I mean, 25-39 are pretty fucking important years. And besides seeing the faces I love and the places and things I walked by thousands of times over the years, pretty much everything that's happened to me as an adult happened while I was in New York. Not only personally, but culturally. The Sopranos has come and gone, and every episode I've seen, I was in New York. Bands, movies, events. Kids born. The Yankees Dynasty. Falling in love, moving on. Even stupid shit like Sex and the City. And on, and on, and on. The Golden Age of Williamsburg, and other parts of Brooklyn as well. Everything happened while I was seeing those faces, walking by those places. Christ, when I moved there it wasn't a given that anybody had an email address, much less Facebook or a cell phone. To look back on things that happened and people I knew while living at 100 Metropolitan, and to realize that those things happened as far back as 1998 kinda freaks me the fuck out.

Riding back on the train by myself for 7 hours didn't help either; it's the only time I've really thought gee, I wish I had a wife. I'm always leaving alone.

Anyways. Now I'm back in Richmond, and I'll be fine, but man. I actually heard myself thinking yesterday "you know, you need to make all those years count for something", which of course is so gay it snapped me outta my funk. For the moment, I feel compelled to write everything I remember down, a Proustian feat of thousands of paging simply detailing every single thing I remember. Looking back, there certainly are divisions of years and people that fit into neatly enclosed chapters. Which will last until The Big Bang Theory comes on tonight and I get sucked in but hey, you never know, right?
-->

On January 1, 1998 my buddy Ryan and I packed ourselves into my Jeep Cherokee along with everything I owned in the whole world (which consisted solely of hundreds of books I knew I’d never read and multiple copies of every Ramones record) and drove three hundred and eleven miles from Tappahannock, Virginia to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where, after Ryan drove my Jeep back to Virginia, I'd begin a new life that would stretch over the next fifteen years. I still miss it every day. 

Hold the Fuck Up.

This is the set so far from the Bruuuuuuuce show tonight:

Living on the Edge of the World
Out in the Street
Night
Hungry Heart
No Surrender
Lost in the Flood
We Take Care of Our Own
Wrecking Ball
Death to My Hometown
My City of Ruins
Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street?
Jole Blon (with Gary U.S. Bonds)
This Little Girl (with Gary U.S. Bonds)
From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)
Talk to Me
This Depression
Shackled and Drawns 

Holy shit. I'm not saying it hasn't happened, but I've never seen Bruce playing Living on the Edge of the World, much less opening with it...is this to mark the anniversary of Nebraksa, of which several songs were born out of this superslice of superslices?!?!?

Many, many years later my buddy Op gave me a mix tape of Bruce cuts (remember mix tapes?) I remember riding the Dog down to Charlottesville and I had it in my walkman, kinda listening, not really paying attention etc and then a song called 'Livin On the Edge of the World' came on. Blew, blew blew me away. And just like that, I was in love. After all those years, I was in.  - XMASTIME

Now THAT'S a President!

The old gang from The West Wing got together to make a video about something something about voting or blah blah whatevs, leaving us to wonder um...when did Donna get them big swinging tittays?

My Mind is Officially Blown

How to effortlessly peel a potato.

After boiling the potato, put into cold water for 5 minutes. Twist the potato skin off with your hands — it should come right off.

Irony

Everyone's making a big deal out of today being the 30-year anniversary of the release of Nebraska, but I mean, what the hell can you say about it at this point? Does a book come out every day analyzing the record? (answer: yes.)

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon this. Yeesh. Now that's olden times.

Perhaps the most obscure show played by the E Street Band took place April 18, 1973 on a high school stage in Lincroft, NJ. There’s no known setlist, published review, or bootleg tape. Some performance chronologies don’t even list the venue.

What there is is Pegasus 1973, the yearbook of Christian Brothers Academy, a Catholic high school 13 miles northeast of Freehold. Carl Beams, a founding member of The Friends of the Bruce Springsteen Special Collection, had seen Springsteen early on with the Castiles and Steel Mill, but the 1973 Christian Brothers Academy was his first E Street Band show. For years, he searched for the yearbook, and finally found it recently at the Collingswood Auction and Flea Market in Farmingdale. For $5.00. Only to see another copy offered days later on eBay for $1,500.

Xmastime Quiz

Q: What word has five letters, starts with a P, the second letter is a vowel, the third and fourth letters are consonants that are the same as each other, and is delightful to eat?

A: Pussy!

Hahahaha - did you think I was gonna say "pizza"? HA!  Queer!!!!

Wow

THIS MIGHT BE the single funniest thing I've read in I don't know how long. Dying.

Madoff!

Bernie Madoff "victims" getting some $crillah back:

Victims of Bernard Madoff's fraud will soon receive $2.48 billion to help cover their losses, more than tripling their total recovery to about $3.63 billion, the trustee liquidating the imprisoned swindler's firm said.

Wonder how much you-know-who is getting?

Things I Don't Understand

Walter Payton dying before me.

The Onion Gets Me

3) If everyone is so bent outta shape about these anti-Muhammad cartoons being so offensive to Muslims, can’t I be fucking offended Marmaduke has not ONCE made me laugh? - XMASTIME

GEICO Is Still the Greatest

What the FUCK took so long for someone to do this fucking Eddie Money riff ?!??!?!!  Grrr.

Favorite Playah...

....showing the therapist "where the bad man touched me."

;)

Marah-doctrination

It's official: they've come for your children.

Mountain Minstrelsy, Minestry, However the fuck you Spell it Already

New video/interview!

Part I from a few months ago HERE

See when they're coming to your neck of the woods HERE.

Steve Sabol

via HERE:

I've seen NFL Films dismissed as PR for the NFL economic monster. OK, it serves that role, but I also see NFL Films as football's epic poet, its major productions as the closest thing the sport has to an Iliad or Odyssey. A PR man couldn't produce those films; they required an artist who loved the sport, surrounding himself with talented and creative people who loved it just as much.

Interesting, his dad is still alive. 96 years old.

Who the Hell...

....is this "Kreayshawn" person?

First of all: num num num!!! Glasses? Check!  And lookit them chompers!!!!

Is it me or is she an almost perfect amalgamation of Amy Winehouse and Lady Gaga? Lady...Winehouse? Wtf?

Goddammit

Oh, shit!!

Fuuuuuuuuckkkk!!!! Who'm I missing?!?!?!

Ooooooh, schnapp!  How you like me now, fuckers!!!

Plenty of time left. Yawn.

Death Row Fatty

In case you thought the slow-crawl of death row was a new thing, here's the story of one Donald Snyder:

In the early 1950s, Donald Snyder was serving time in New York’s Green Haven Correctional Facility for auto theft. He escaped, but police were almost immediately on his trail. Snyder decided he would take a hostage that he could use to bargain his way out of going back to jail, and he kidnapped a 9-year-old girl.

In a standoff, police surrounded Snyder and fired at him, and the criminal stabbed his hostage in the abdomen, killing her. He was recaptured, convicted of murder and sent to Sing Sing to await execution by the electric chair.

Snyder knew he wouldn’t be able to escape from Sing Sing’s death row, so he came up with a new plan: He would eat his way out of execution. He figured that if he was too fat to squeeze into the electric chair, the state couldn’t execute him and they’d have to commute his sentence to life in prison.

So a convicted felon killed a little girl, presumably with several cops as witnesses. Prolly fried the next week, right? Especially back in the olden days?

Apparently not, since this happened:

He began to eat everything he could get his hands on, and ballooned from 150 pounds to more than 300.

Whaaaaaaaaat???!?!?  I mean, 1950 prison food - gruel - how long must it take some fucker to double his weight from 150 to 300? Wtf?

And yes, he died in the chair in the end. Fried. Of course. That shit'll kill you, after all.

And of course you already know my own death row meal.

Oh, for Fuck's Sake

Surely there's a word for that time you spend trying to copy & paste something for which it would've been quicker to simply re-type the fucker. Grr.

Bobby Blue Jean

via guerreotype:

xmas and i used to walk around the city performing good works except that we didnt walk around the city performing good works because we were always 2 minutes behind my blue couch who when not helping old ladies cross the street was bitching about the album born in the usa could have been.

Blue was the greatest single-cushion full-length couch there's ever been. Determined to make it in the People's Borough all on his own. And has since been proven right that those "piece of shits futons these hippies love will be all be gone by 2010."

He's out there somewhere today. Good luck, goodbye.

What I MIss About NYC

When I first moved to New York, one of the things I loved were the outrageously clever headlines that were on the back of the Daily News; I always wished I could be the guy whose sole job it was to come up with them. A favorite I still remember was the Chuck Knoblauch bonehead play in the 1998 World Series. - XMASTIME

Sigh.

 

Happy Cheeseburger Day

Apparently today is National Cheeseburger Day, and Xmastime fans  couldn't give two shits what I think about this  have flooded my inbox that'swhatshesaid asking for my thoughts, so HERE'S THE LINK to my post about the different types of burgers.  And yes, I also think it's odd that Obama brought up his millionaire tax bill today, and he calls it The Buffet Bill, after Jimmy Cheeseburger in Paradise Buffett.  Nice!I will now list my five favorite lines from this post  even though nobody gives a shit and are sorry they started reading this post in the first place:

1) Megaburgers: Like my college girlfriend: uneatable.
2) Extreme Burgers: Like the Republican party, these always seem like an exercise in stupidity done by people who have way too much money. Tho if one of those grilled cheese-as-buns joints fell into my lap, I think I would enjoy it. Thumbs down on any burger involving a glazed donut; I do not need to be looking at Rosie O'Donnell's face when I'm trying to eat a gotdam cheeseburger.
3) Steamed Burgers: I do not want my cheeseburger to be such a fucking mystery that it has to be an "acquired taste." Living with the bitter disappointment of complete failure and having no hope, that's an acquired taste. A burger should not be.
4) Butter Burgers: Now THIS is more like it!! This is a burger I could fucking get into (not a burger I could get into fucking.) Also, the owner of Solly's Grille in Milwaukee presumably naming the restaurant as a joke re: how Pat Morita from Arnold's would apologize to his girlfriend = priceless.
5) Deep-fried Burgers: Just like the female orgasm or black people that can swim, when I first heard of this I thought "if this actually existed, wouldn't it be EVERYwhere?" In theory it sounds amazing, but why are these hard to find? There's burgers everywhere. There's deep-fried food everywhere. Why don't they just make the fucking airplane outta the deep-fried burger then? Weird.

Also, here's my post about The 16 Pearls of Wisdom.  Wht's that, you ask? Why yes, of COURSE I'll pat myself on the back with some faves!!  No, thank YOU!!!!

1) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek. I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means "addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef." Not sexy, brah.
2) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the. But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time I'll switch the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at the DQ once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting? Yes? No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian sidekick?
3) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be thinking about.
4) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
5) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I didn't know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers. Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.

MY FATHER'S HOUSE

The only time I saw him laugh out loud, uncontrollably, was in that chair when I played him a tape of “Bill Cosby: Himself.” I found myself gleefully skipping around, saying “oooh, listen to this bit! Hey, listen to this one, it’s HYSTERICAL!!!” and watching him laugh like I never had seen before. Was a great moment; maybe the most “adult/peer” moment we ever had, if not the only. - XMASTIME 

Bruce Springsteen and disappointing fathers, via Darkness on the Edge of Town:

Bruce Springsteen, I discovered after ten years of estrangement from my father, had written the world's best song about being estranged from your father. “Adam Raised a Cain” is one long, Plath-worthy scream: hatred, contempt, pain, hatred, shot through with a love that is almost romantic. We were prisoners of love, a love in chains. He was standing in the door, I was standing in the rain, with the same hot blood burning in our veins. How is that not a scene from The Notebook? But these men can only ever hurt each other: Daddy worked his whole life for nothing but the pain. Now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame. And his son reflects the blame back onto him, intensified and sharper.

Road House, III

From September 2010:

(Tilghman walks in the office, where Dalton is neatly sewng stitches for his shoulder wound)
Tilghman: I need the best.
Dalton: Wade Garrett's the best.
Tilghman: Wade Garrett's getting old.
Dalton: He's still the best.
Tilghman: I want you.
Dalton: Cash up front. $200 a night, cash. You pay all medical expenses.
Tilghman: I can live with that.

I've always liked that Dalton decides to use the exact moment he's sewing up his own wound to play hardball with the owner and demand he pay medical expenses. Dalton must be hell in the board room, right? I'm surprised the owner didn't immediately toss a spool of thread to him and say "knock yourself out," and then explain that there's a Nigerian prince who is looking to wire $4M into Dalton's account, all he needs is his checking routing number.

Road House, II

From March 2008:

"Actor Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and is currently undergoing treatment. Patrick's physician Dr. George Fisher states, 'Patrick has a very limited amount of disease and he appears to be responding well to treatment thus far. All of the reports stating the timeframe of his prognosis and his physical side effects are absolutely untrue. We are considerably more optimistic.' Patrick is continuing his normal schedule during this time, which includes working on upcoming projects. The outpouring of support and concern he has already received from the public is deeply appreciated by Patrick and his family."

I've avoided posting on this all day cause, well, cause the first news I heard was from the Enquirer, so. I guess finding this out after my post on Monday has us all all thinking the same things right now:

1) Does Xmastime have some sort of super powers, able to move the events of history along by his mere suggestion?

2) Shouldn't he then be posting about Jessica Alba mailing him her bike shorts?

3) How quickly can we get this sequel done now? One advantage is that if we follow the original, there doesn't even have to be an ending that makes any sense at all. The first one looks like "oh well, we're outta tape, that's a wrap. Print!" For this one, just film enough shit as fast as possible and you can just stop at anytime, no? "Okay, Patrick's dead, that's a wrap. Print!"

4) Can I officially coin "The Road House Curse" at this time?

5) When this movie came out, what genius predicted Sam Elliot would be the last one standing? Sam Elliot: The Brian Wilson of "Road House."

6) Wait, is Sam Eilliot alive?

7) IS beef what's for dinner?

I'm digressing. Anyways, between this and Jeff Healey dying and being maybe the single dumbest movie in history, this is a tuff week for "Road House." Godspeed.

Road House, I

In honor of Filmvetter giving Road House 5 stars (because he can't give 6!), I will be re-posting stuff about Road House throughout the afternoon. You're welcome, Earth!

From January 2009:

Is it even possible to have a movie more implausibly, ridiculously dumb than Road House? I mean for fuck's sake; both times I've watched it in the last 16 hours I've found myself asking "are they TRYING to top Rob Lowe's shit-tastic lines from St. Elmo's Fire every time someone opens their mouth???!!!" Unreal. The sheer number of things that just don't make any fucking sense in this flick could carry a daily blog for YEARS.

For instance, it's always rankled me how the women dress. Here they are, going to some fucking podunk barn in the backwoods of some small town in Missouri, and they all wear cocktail dresses. Huh?

"Yo babe, let's hit the Deuce tonight."
"Okay...what're you gonna wear?"
"I guess I'll wear my oil-stained wife-beater, maybe a flannel in case I need to soak up some blood after the first few tables get smashed to powder over my mullet."
"Ooooooh, sounds like I finally have a chance to wear my newest Sonia Rykiel mini with puffed shoulders...pick me up at the hairdresser after 5 hours?"
"You got it babe" (ass slap)
Oh yeah, and somehow in this tiny shit town the ratio of smoking hot chicks to actual humans seems to be about 50 to 1. The doors of the Deuce open and all of a sudden it's FLOODED with chicks from Playboy who are juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust looking to fuck! If Joe Francis could go back in time, this is where he'd go. Unreal.

Damn.

ADVICE FOR the OBAMA Campaign on Romney's 47% Bit

Sit back and let this one breathe. Don't say a word.

47%, if Not More

For all our "Romney shit the bed!" excitement about the 47%, this statement is very true:

...if calling for a less progressive taxation system was enough to alienate poor voters in the Deep South, the Republican Party would have already lost its stronghold there. 

Again: there's a difference between what a candidate's words SHOULD do, and what they actually do. I mean, look at this map:

Does anybody really believe there's ANYTHING Mitt Romney could possibly say to make him lose Texas? Or Alabama? Or Mississippi? South Carolina? Idaho? Of course not. No matter how many times the GOP reminds these people they're scum because they're not rich ("yet!"), they keep coming back in droves to vote Republican. So why wouldn't Romney say what he did, and then double down?

The Mick

This is the box score from Mickey Mantle's last game at Fenway Park.

Who the FUCK is Ruben Amaro??!?!?

47%, (Modest Proposal)

Ironically, you'd think people like Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan would greatly admire people who hadn't gotten suckered into paying federal income taxes.

47%

In Romney's defense, he hasn't uttered the words "gotcha-styled media!" yet. Oh, he insists on doubling down on what he said, which is like running back into the burning building with a book of matches, but it's too his credit he hasn't grabbed for the Palin-inspired "gotcha media!" line that has become knee-jerk with his party.

Of course it's early; by 9am tomorrow I'm sure he'll fall back on it, but we should enjoy these few hours during which he's not using the victim card (yet.)

Oh, for Fuck's Sake

Oh, goody fucking joy: the McRib is BACK!  Again!  What the fuck is it about the awful McRib that McDonald's feels worthy enough about to fucking trot it out every coupla years and act like it's doing the world a great big favor?  Yet another reason McDonald's should be running the country, as it's brainwashed people into thinking being able to spend $4 for the privilege of eating their own turds is something they should be thankful for.  Incredible.- XMASTIME

Here we go again, with the McfuckingRib:

Fervent fans of the McDonald’s McRib will have to wait past October and November, when the cult favorite usually emerges, until late December, according to a leaked memo.

The sauce-slathered pork sandwich was originally set to be launched from Oct. 22 through Nov. 11, according to a memo from the McDonald’s Operators National Advertising Fund, obtained by Ad Age.

Instead, the popular, limited-time product will appear during the holiday season along with a bigger advertising push that emphasizes its “high-quality pork” and “unique taste,” according to Ad Age.

The delayed campaign is a strategy by the burger giant to parlay the McRib’s fanatical fan base into a year-end sales surge. Same-store sales in the U.S. last December soared a whopping 9.8% amid an unseasonably warm winter.

OH, BULLY FOR US. Thanks, Mickey fucking D's.

Reality

For all the talk about Romney flushing his chances down the shitter with his 47% nonsense, the fact is that the number of people who will vote for him in November starts at 50 million. As horrible as what he said really is, the number of people who identify themselves as being part of that 47% is far, far smaller than the number of people who think they'll hit the lotto and become millionaires overnight, and then god forbid the Socialist in Chief ask them to pay a cent more in corporate taxes than Romney would. So.

Garfield du Jour

Mitt in the Shit

The internet is ablaze about this video of Mitt Romney caught off mic basically writing off the 47% of the country that he considers to be parasites, ie non-noble non-job creators slash welfare queens looking to suck off the country's teat. Such a proclamation is damning, but it shouldn't really be surprising, especially after his choosing Mr. Ayn Rand himself as his veep. Mitt Romney is running less to be the president of the United States as he is president of incredibly rich people.

But this line, as pointed out by Sully, is strange indeed:

My own view is that if we win on November 6th, there will be a great deal of optimism about the future of this country. We'll see capital come back and we'll see — without actually doing anything — we'll actually get a boost in the economy.

Besides Sully pointing out the obvious - the value of stocks in the DOW has doubled since Obama took office - what does this even mean? Just by Mitt Romney existing as president, suddenly the economy of the country will come roaring back to life....? One could be lead to believe there's some sort of sinister, cynical thinking going on here. Are we really supposed to believe that okay okay, once a white, entitled "businessman" who looks the part, ie is "one of us", is back at the helm, capitalism will be unleashed to its full fury?  Wasn't George Bush a white, entitled "businessman"? How'd that go?

Shit's whack.

The Dark Ages, aka When UVa Hoops Mattered

When I was a young buck I had a book about the history of UVa basketball, and there was an awesome photo from the end of this game of a scramble for the ball, and tucked in Lee Raker's shorts as he dove was the pair of scissors they would use seconds later to cut down the nets. I can't find that photo online, since legislation has of course been passed to keep Raker and Jeff Lamp off the internet, so. Sigh.- XMASTIME

GOT THE BOOK! Thanks Amazon!

Looking through it, I remember every single photo. Except I had remembered the photo wrong - Raker had the scissors in his shorts as Lamp came off the floor, not during actual play. Oh well. Sue me!

Yes. So We've Heard.

Hoosiers

Fall officially kicked off last night when I stumbled onto Hoosiers on tv, and Filmvetter has its review of the film here. In and of itself, Hoosiers is a great movie, but the older I get the more annoyed I get by the fact that it actually has little to do with the 1954 Milan team it's based on. Which sucks because the true story is even more incredble than the gotdam movie, for fuck's sake!

As much as I'd jump in front of a bus for Hoosiers, and you know this, the liberties taken when in fact the true story was even better in the first place drives me bananas.

To wit:

Besides the squeamish Disneyfication, as you already know nothing drives me crazier than when sports films alter history when doing so is not only unnecessary, but is actually LESS interesting than the historical truth - as much as I love Hoosiers, the truth is not only was Milan a great team that had almost gone all the way the year before, but what on Earth could be more exciting than Bobby Plump holding the ball on his hip for three and a half minutes while an entire state lost it's fucking mind? Why would Hollywood eschew this? How awkward does "eschew" feel there? Also, while we wanna believe that the state final was the first time the Huskers had ever seen black players, the real Milan team had kicked Oscar Robertson's Crispus Attucks team by 13 points.

Why has there been no feature length documentary made for HBO or ESPN about this fucking team? Hell, they have footage of the actual game!!!

Grrrrr.

Superslice

I Won't Open Letter Bombs for You

The other day people in my office were saying that after 9/11, for several months they had to rotate into teams wearing hazmat suits that would open letters to the company, hoping there was no "poof of white smoke" that would indicate anthrax. Fuck that.

A Return to Order

I wonder if a judge overturning Scott Walker's anti-union bill will create as much press as Scott Walker being an asshole did. Probably not. After all, being sensible is boring as fuck. Prolly why no one will ever watch another episode of HBO's Hard Knocks without   Chris Christie  Rex Ryan in it.

Jay Pharoah as Obama

What took so long?

Why is the Flag at Chik-Fil-A at Half Mast?

Did two dudes kiss somewhere today?

Xmastime New Office Crush Alert

Not 100% certain, will hafta confirm on Monday, but I think there might be a Turtle Crush doppelganger at my new office.

Obviously, I've pre-ordered a pony keg of Canoe Cologne.

Well, I Must Be an Asshole

I was under the impression that McDonalds already provided calorie info on their menus. Fuck me, right?

Xmastime TV Emergency Alert!!!!

HOP on HBO right now!!!!

Previous "thoughts" on it:

First of all, every cute little animal character that talks in these movies should be voiced by Russell Brand.  Everything that fucking little bunny said cracked me up.

But I did spend the entire movie being aggravated that the main character (the live-action guy) didn't shut his father, always on his ass to get a job and make something of himself, the fuck up by saying "um, hello?...I HAVE A FUCKING RABBIT THAT TALKS!"  Instead of using this to make billions of dollars, he first tries to get rid of the bunny, then hides him.  What the fuck?

Having said that, I will watch it over and over when it comes on tv, cause the rabbit was fucking killing it. 

AND:

The general consensus seems to be that I'm the only person I know that liked Hop.  Not just liked; it might be the most I've ever laughed out loud in a movie theater.  Maybe this is why I'm not  a movie critic.  Of course, it was no Ratatoulle, but what is?

Now That's Vanity

Donald Cammell committed suicide when one of his films got cut by a producer, and this is the interesting part:

...he took his own life in 1996 at age sixty-two with a gunshot to the head. But he fired into the top of his head instead of the roof of his mouth with the result that he was alive and conscious for up to 45 minutes afterwards and, reportedly, was in a happy, almost euphoric state. The fact that he didn’t die instantly was not accidental; in fact he allegedly requested that his wife and writing collaborator China Cammell hold up a mirror so he could watch himself die.

Must say, cap doffed. Dude knows how to go out with some self-expression, which I of course admire. Also, it's fascinating to me to know what goes through a person's mind when they know they're about to die (no, I don't mean "a bullet!") Woulda been nice if wifey interviewed him in those moments and wrote it down, but I guess not. Thanks, asshole.

Happy Birthday...I Guess

I had no idea when I posted this earlier that today is Tom Hardy's birthday, so here's a site with a buncha pictures of him. Mostly standing around in his drawers. Hey, us pretty boys gotta stick together, you know?

Ironically, This Is The Smartest Thing He's Ever Said

Dammit

I thought it said "HORNY?", not "HONK." Oh well.

Declaration du Jour

Any woman who uses any variation of "got my hair did!" will find herself rocketing to the top of my shit list.

Two words I Haven't Heard Lately.

Paul Ryan.

George Brett is even more awesome than I thought

For some reason, George Brett seems to have had problems with first base. There's this:

There are many things to love about George Brett (awesome interviews since he's funny as shit; his Hall of Fame speech had the best chill moment of all time; charging outta the dugout like a wild bull during infamous pine tar incident); yet another thing on that list is that immediately after getting his milestone 3,000th base hit, he got picked off first base. Awesome.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand as best I can tell, he's also the only person to charge the mound...from first base.

Tour de Force du Jour

Heathcliff from the 2009 Masterpiece Theater adaptation of Wuthering Heights.  A mixture of Marco Pierre White and Shane MacGowan, if they were both funny and drunk on cough medicine.  As a bonus, the actor's name is the genre-approved Tom Hardy.

Past posts from me on Wuthering Heights HERE since nobody fucking asked or gives a shit.

MOnday Night!

$200K

Mitt Romney had this exchange during an interview with Shmoopie's husband:

MITT ROMNEY: Let me tell you, George, the fundamentals of my tax policy are these.  Number one, reduce tax burdens on middle-income people.  So no one can say my plan is going to raise taxes on middle-income people, because principle number one is keep the burden down on middle-income taxpayers.
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Is $100,000 middle income?
MITT ROMNEY: No, middle income is $200,000 to $250,000 and less.  

Sadly, he's gonna be getting a lot of shit for being so out of touch with reality that he sees middle-incomes as being around a quarter of a million dollars, when what we of course really see here is a candidate voluntarily participating in a tv interview to advance his own campaign being set up with a "gotcha!" question that the lamestream media of course then reported on because they're totes in the tank for Obama so they can finally put an end to freedom and Christmas. What kind of democracy can we possibly have if recorded words recorded for the public are shown to the public as they were said?

SOMEONE'S STILL GOT IT

It's Happened

RG III is the first NFL starting quarterback that was born in the 90's.

The Eagle Has Landed

Neil Armstrong's ashes were scattered at sea today, and here's a tribute from NASA. Nice personal touches from people that knew him.

Internet Question

Whenever I read about the porn industry wanting to get in on the domain name game, likve .com or .org etc, they always seem to want .xxx

Shouldn't they want  .cum?

Is your mind blown?

Sorry!

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!!!

Big Xmastime thanks to Marley & Marley Jr (whom you little ladies might remember from rocking the house himself a few years ago!) for reporting from the Bruce show in DC!

If you like that you might also like my live-blogging when Op & Kdawggy attended a Darkness on the Edge of Town show a few years ago.

"YES Boss, I'll get him, and the little one too MWA-haha-ha!!!"

XMASTIME FRIDAY NIGHT EXTRAVEGANZA

Marley is at the Bruce show in DC!!!  Here's the play by play, direct from Marley!

8:37pm - Max Weinberg just had a drum solo.

8:45pm - Clarence Clemons' son is black!

8:47pm - Nils Lofgren whacking a whammy bar on the intro of We Take Care of Our Own. Homo. This really should be a campaign theme. Or a new song for Southwest Airlines.

8:51pm - Wrecking Ball. Time to get a hot dog.

8:54pm - Words Bruce should no longer be allowed to use:

Dust

Hard

Fear

Ball

8:58pm - Best news. We've had three straight from the new record. Quota fulfilled.

8:59pm - Death to My Hometown. Direct ripoff of the score to Braveheart.

9:06pm - Chatty Cathy. Talking ghosts. Old buildings and old guitars have ghosts. This dude is a kick ass fortune cookie.

9:10pm - Herb Alpert's band dropped by. Minister call and beckon. Got 13 minutes to go

9:13pm - Oh, fuck me. "Are you ready for a house party?!" 6 times.

Yes, fer crissakes.

No house party for me

More fucking ghosts.

My City in Ruins is now sullied by "bring it down boys."

Where's Sammy, Dean and Joey?

9:20pm - Oh, here we go. THE E STREET BAND HAS COME HERE TONIGHT TO .....CAN YOU FEEL THE SPIRIT?

(Several times)

Oh cripes. This is like a mass Moonie wedding.

9:22pm - Is it possible to de-charm Spirit in the Night? Yes. The current version is closer to We Are Family.

9:26pm - N o joke, and its not Bruce's fault. A woman is knitting in front of me and Marley Jr.  just asked, "what time is it?"

9:27pm - Bruce just leaned over to Clarence's son (who really sucks, but hey) and said "this is before you were born!"

Ha ha ha ha (crowd).

What he didn't say is "this is right around when I fired all the black dudes from the band but your Dad."

9:28pm - Two good songs so far: Prove it All Night and The Ties That Bind (which was awesome)

9:33pm - Checked Facebook during the Celene Dion version of Blinded by the Light. Will Croxton wrote "LOL" at a pic of Marley Jr.. I showed it to him and said "Lots of Laughs."

Apparently, I'm retarded.

"Laugh out loud"?

That's stupid.

9:37pm - He's playing Jack of All Trades.  "Hard times, hard times"

The entire stadium has decided its time to talk about their day.

9:41pm - Jesus, does this song suck.

9:43pm - Jackson Cage! Finally!

9:46pm - She's the One. Okay. Let's make this shit real.

9:52pm -  Awesome. Followed by "Come on Steve."

Ugh.

Johnny 99.

I smell "Meet me at Mary's Place" right around the corner.

9:54pm - Marley Jr. wants to get home early enough so we can start "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."

We now have a New Orleans jazz fest during Johnny 99.

I get it.

9:57pm - Marley Jr is re-casting "Tommy." Anne Hathaway for Ann Margaret?


9:58pm - Second Weinberg drum solo. Oh, my bad - Johnny 99 IS Meet Me at Marys's Place.

10:01pm - Johnny 99 finally ended!  And yet, the Muslims storming our embassies remain angry.

Oh great. Nils Lofgren has been in the band long enough to sing lead on Darlington County.

I hope Danny Federici gets to sing soon.

Yea yea. Too soon.

10:03pm - Marley Jr: "No, really. How much of this do you think we have left?"

10:04pm - If you're paying the black girls to sing, Bruce, stop trying to hit those
high notes.

10:07pm - What are the odds I'd be hoping Bruce might want to talk politics?

No shit. We are now call and refrain on what I think might be "African
Child" by Infant Sorrow.

10:12pm - Shackled and Drawn. Oh my Lord!  Where is this from?  This song may actually be a hate crime. A woman is commanding that I stand up and be counted.

Fuck her. I'm sitting and casting Tommy II with Marley Jr.

10:15pm - Acoustic in hand.  Promising, except for screaming "Yea Steve!"

I thought I knew the song, but then he starts screaming "Max!"

This may be the EToys theme.

10:19pm - Some kid just got a chance to sing.

Bullshit.

I've been a fan longer than some little bastard.

10:20pm - Marley Jr. wants you to know the kid "might be diseased."

Whatever.

10:24pm - The Promised Land is pretty good though the boys missed a note (will be fines passed out tomorrow)  and the nepotistic sax hire really can't blow at all

10:29pm - Racing in the Street. Classy tribute to the folks here from Walter Reed.

10:36pm - Racing in the Streets still going. I'm close to blaming the troops.

10:38pm - Racing in the Streets III just ended. Stunned stupor. No worries. Next song is The Rising.

10:44pm - All kiding aside, There is something both sweet and heartening to see so many folks reconnect with their youth through this guy. I'm watching folks getting longer in the tooth, transported, right in front of me. Rare that an artist can do that. It's pretty cool, even if my son is miserable.

And boom!

Badlands!

Marley and Marley Jr. out!

10:45pm - Transfixed, God love her

10:52pm -  He just followed up Badlands, with the entire stadium in his hands, with some shit song from the new record. Pin drop. Fuck this!

Marley and Marley Jr. gonna' get to some "Exorcism of Emily Rose" sho' 'nuff soon (to take on the lingo of the night).

11:17pm - Born to Run

HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA

Apparently, Tony Danza has become an English teacher. Which is interesting, since the last time I checked he couldn't speak it, so.

AND GET YOUR PAWS OFF MRS. XMASTIME, ASSHOLE!

Lincoln

Like everyone else on the planet I can't wait to see Lincoln, though watching the trailer cracks me up because it's another case of us for some reason assuming we know what someone famous sounded like in the days before recording devices. We always assume Lincoln spoke with a somber, sonarous voice - what if he had a voice like Joey Lauren Adams? And yes, you're correct in remembering this beyond brilliant riff from, ta-DA! Moi!

I had never watched it before, but the other day I stumbled onto about 10 minutes of the HBO show Rome. Some dude's yapping with his girl, and all of a sudden I'm like... is that a pseudo British accent? Hmm, I think, is that how Romans spoke? Lilting British accents? Then it occurs to me...how would we possibly have any idea how the acient Romans spoke? Are there tapes laying around; did we find an old version of YovTvbe? I mean, for all we know the Romans shouted at each other at the top of their lungs "HI REMUS HOW ARE YOU!!!" "JULIUS I AM FINE!!!! YOU ARE LOOKING GOOD!!" Or maybe like Buford Pusser. "Et tu, Brutus? Aw heck, giton outta heya now boy, I'm fixin' a die!!"

So then who's the wizard deciding "you know, I bet...MORE HERE.

Hold Up. Now It's Fucking Personal.

Diet

Just ate my first-ever turkey burger ordered at a restaurant. Course it was on Texas Toast and slathered in mayo, but hey.

Diner

Fantastic article HERE on the superslice Diner.

Mukluks: Marley

What Franklin really meant is that, more than any other production, Diner invented … nothing. Or, to put it in quotes: Levinson invented the concept of “nothing” that was popularized eight years later with the premiere of Seinfeld. In Diner (as well as in Tin Men, his 1987 movie about older diner mavens), Levinson took the stuff that usually fills time between the car chase, the fiery kiss, the dramatic reveal—the seemingly meaningless banter (“Who do you make out to, Sinatra or Mathis?”) tossed about by men over drinks, behind the wheel, in front of a cooling plate of French fries—and made it central.

During postproduction on Diner, MGM/UA executive David Chasman complained to Levinson about one of its most famous set pieces, when Guttenberg’s Eddie and Reiser’s Modell argue ownership (“You gonna finish that?”) of a roast-beef sandwich. Chasman wanted it cut because it didn’t advance the story. “You don’t understand,” Levinson explained: between the lines about roast beef lies all you need to know about their fear, their competitiveness, their friendship. The roast beef is the story.

Superslice of Superslices

Say What?

Lizzie Velasquez has the rare medical condition of being born without fat tissue, and has been labeled by some to be "the ugliest woman in the world."

I'll be honest. I've seen many, MANY uglier women. I mean, she's not even in the top 100.