This Kid Gets It.

from.

Question.

Does anybody know what the hell happened to Daisy Fuentes? Is she still alive?

Odd Placement.

On September 26, 1954 Mickey Mantle played an entire game at shortstop and Yogi Berra played third base.  Can we even dream that somewhere, in some dude's attic, there's film of that? Man.

Last Year

I probably had less human contact in 2010 than any year of my life. Which is totally depressing, and something I'll look to change in 2011.

Which we're already a month done with. Wtf?

January

Unless something absurd happens in the next hour, I will have gone the entire month having only drunk 5 times. While a 26-5 record is WAY better than a normal month in which the reverse would be the case, it's not the 31-0 record I was shooting for. But hey, it's a start.

I never was able to get that burst of energy I thought I'd get from not drinking, thanks to spending almost the entire fucking month having my goddam soul completely drained by the gout. Hopefully that's over with for now, and February will be a whole lot better.

XMASTIME TV ALERT

I've been busy the last few Monday nights (yes, fucking), but tonight I'm gonna enjoy 2 hours of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia on the Comedy Channel, starting at 9!  :)

Life. It's Sometimes Confusing.

It goes without saying that School Ties is one of the greatest "Jew who inexplicably plays football is a ringer at a fancy-schmancy private school starring Ben Affleck" movies of all time.  But couldn't the entire drama of the final 30 minutes, when they try to frame Jewsy McJewserson, have been handled in the 6 seconds it would've taken the old fuck teacher Mr. Gearson to say "Mr. Damon, I believe you dropped your cheat sheet"?  I mean, the fucker stood there watching the whole thing; we know this because as he's looking at Damon and the other kid's horseplay he was licking his chops at their young, lithe bodies like Sylvester looks at Tweety Bird. I mean, wtf?

Well. This is a New One.

Walked into a bodega, and the dude behind the counter was watching porn. And didn't seem to mind my company.

SAG? Not Those.

I'm on record re: awards shows for actors are fucking gayer than gay and beyond stupid, as I mentioned last week.

But then something totally amazing like this happens, so. What can ya do.

Super Slice

I can't believe she died :(

zz

Totally Depressing

The same number of years have passed from my first kiss to now as had before that to the first episode of The Wonder Years.

sigh.  :(

Generations

On thing I'm jealous of is the generational string of men that includes a father and a son - like this episode of The Cosby Show, wherein Bill is in the middle of it. He can be a dad to Theo but he's still a son to his own father, and there's generations of anecdotes to laugh about.  I don't have any of that, and I never will. I would love to be in the middle.

Spartacus

Fucking christ, is this season even better than the last one?  Having John Hannah as the focal point almost makes it a given. Incredible. Also, they were smart to make the main character the direct opposite of Spartacus; while we all loved Spartacus and he was a great character, replacing him with another "woe is me, I gotta be Mr. Depressy McDepresserson" woulda been a  mistake. Gannicus loves three things: pussy, booze, and more pussy. Also, the "Roman woman who eats Xena's pussy and fucks shit up just because she's a bitch" is even hotter than last year's Ilithia, if you can believe it.

Herschel!

I think any of this mixed martial arts/ultimate fighting shit is completely gay, but you people know I loves me some Herschel Walker, so I'm glad that if he feels the need to do this shit he's kicking ass.

Boehner Crying

People need to stop giving John Boehner a hard time because he bubbled up on camera once or twice recently. Who gives a shit? Boehner must be tickled pink that this is what we're concerned about, since it distracts us from the fact that yes, as a young boy he swept up his father's bar or some shit, but as a man he would've sold his father's crappy bar down the river for a goddam nickel.

John Boehner is a piece of shit shill for billionaires. That's it. He is nothing more, nothing less. To sit around and make fun of how much he pretends to cry not only humanizes him, but distracts us from remembering that he would bend each and every one of us over for one of his rich "friends."

So quit it with the Boehner crying jokes. Each one you make, he wins.

Still the Best Album Ever

(and still a crappy cover)

"Xmastime Likes This"

sidenote: White Castle? Really? where the fuck are these awards?

2011

On the Ohio mother who got arrested for trying to give her kids a better education:

from a Sully reader:

My initial reaction to this was outrage. I sat at my computer, heart pounding, eyes tearing, because when you peel off all the layers, you have this: a woman (who works with special education children and was attending school for her teaching degree) is being vilified because she wanted something better for her children. And we can't possibly ignore the racial aspect of this situation. A poor BLACK woman on public assistance is being jailed for sending her kids to the rich white school. I'm not arguing whether this is how it should be looked at; I'm saying that is how it is looked at. It's questionable at this point whether the teaching degree she's been working toward will be allowed, because she has a felony charge against her. A family's life is in virtual ruins because of this situation.

I would say this: could anybody from 1981 have predicted that in 2011 we'd still be having any semblance of an argument about this? Really? How fucking embarrassed do we need to be?  In 1981, could you have honestly thought that a reasonable question about zoning would leave any room at all for racism?

Of COURSE had she been white, we'd be applauding her as a "single mother doing what's best for her kids!" But she's black, so we of course need to lock her up. In 2011. Not 1961, not 1971, but in 2011. That's fucking incredible to me.

The Wars We're Currently In

If God was on our side, which we like to tell ourselves, seems like this whole Iraq/Afghanistan business woulda been wrapped up by now, no?  I mean, is God absent, or does he just suck?

Gee. Whaddya know. God DOESN'T love the USA.  Hmm

Were These the Two Greatest Songs of the 1990s NOT Named "Formula, Cola, Dollar Draft"?

 

One Time

My mother asked my dad what "c'est la vie" meant, and he said "it means, that's life, like...you know, so what, so what, that's just how it goes."

Jon Bon Jovi

Looking at that doc again right now, his cringing self-awareness is still somewhat heartbreaking.

On a more serious note, isn't it time somebody recorded a funny version of Hallelujah? I mean, how many more earnest, "I'm gonna make you cry!" versions can we stand? For fuck's sake.

Also, if they make a movie about him soon, he'd be played by Matt Damon, right?

Life.

from.

Hmm. Curious.

End Of the Century came out 10 months before John Lennon's murder, and yet The Ramones have never gotten any grief about their creepily prescient line from what should've been the single most popular song in the history of rock 'n roll, Do You remember Rock 'n Roll Radio?

Will you remember Jerry Lee,
John Lennon, T. Rex and OI Moulty?

This is Xmastime

Is This is England the greatest example of:

1) a great band's greatest song being on it's (by far) worst album (one that the band itself doesn't actually acknowledge)

2) a great band's greatest song coming after it's singularly most musically talented member has been kicked out of the band?

3) How fucking awesome would it be if Kate marches the four minutes down the aisle to this at The Royal Wedding?  :)

Follow Along!

THIS EPISODE is coming up again at 11 this morning!!  :)

Knock Knock. "Seatbelt, please!"

XMASTIME EMERGENCY TV ALERT!!!!

THIS EPISODE OF BH 90210, maybe my greatest Xmastime moment ever, is on the Soap Channel right now!  Hurry, you can still DVR it!!!  :)

Friday, August 17, 2007

We're Allllllllllllllllllllllll Worried About Kelly

As I mentioned yesterday, I sensed Kelly was about to slide into every thin, beautiful girl’s dream come true: developing a hard-core eating disorder. So I decided to closely watch the next episode and see how she holds up.

CUE THEME SONG AT 4:00

4:05 – After bitching cause David ate the last banana at breakfast: “that’s okay. I shouldn’t eat anyway.” OH-OH!!!! Alarm bells!! Such clever, subtle writing – why don’t they just have her stick the banana down her throat and puke in the sink? Jesus Christ. Wait a second…did I…just finally stumble upon the third act to my latest movie, “Fuck My Face and Make Me Puke in the Sink, Jesus Christ”? Serendipity, my fickle mistress: welcome back!!!!

4:09 – Now she snaps at Steve after overhearing him talking about “perfect-looking” women. “There’s no such thing as perfect!!” and stomps away. “There’s no such thing as perfect”? Doesn’t sound like someone who’s striving to lose weight to gain the persfect body, does it? Kelly, are you even TRYING to get under 100 lbs, or is this just a lot of hot air? Which, I shouldn't have to remind you, is what you're supposed to be eating. Lard-ass.

4:10 – Dylan just offered her a potato chip. Declines. Who the fuck says no to a potato chip - can NObody see these fucking signals, people?

Oh wait, here we go….Dylan catches that she’s taking diet pills. He is, after all, a mixture of one part shamen, one part doctor, and one part James Dean. Without the talent to drive himself off a cliff of course. Dylan is the one person in the world who slowly nods his head in agreement during Eddie and the Cruisers II when Eddie blathers that “the music is in the silences!” What a genius. Now he shakes his head. “You should eat.” Kelly looks disgusted. I guess she doesn’t want a greasy chip. Or Steve just got his perm re-activated and it’s wafting.

Side note…she agrees to go to dinner with Dylan, who says ”I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” 8:30? Wtf? Now, I know these are rich kids, a different world from me in high school. Well, or now. I had a curfew – there’s no way I’m waiting to meet up with my girl at 8:30. Every minute was precious – 30 seconds after the final bell, I got my snout up my girl’s rim like a gotdam hounddog at a pork chop piñata. Not once did I say to her “Yeah, we’ll meet up, but first I’m gonna go home and hang out with my folks for five hours, cool?” Shit’s whack. And doesn’t this just give Kelly more time to think about how fat she is?

4:15 – “Maybe I just don’t feel like being Kelly Taylor anymore!” I see. Another signal - she’s tired of being young, popular and rich. Well, and fat I guess. Storms home during lunch..

4:16 – ohoh!! Hitting the fridge! Scarfing ice cream, why is she even using a spoon?!?! Now freaks out, shoves ice cream down the sink. Isn’t the ol’ “hoovers ice cream frantically” a little clichéd at this point for depicting women with eating disorders? Just once I’d like to see one of these girls tear apart a Cornish game hen with their teeth, growling while their eyes roll back in their heads. Outside of my home fuck-tapes, I mean. When are ice cream companies gonna jump in on this, start targeting these women? “Our Vomiting Vanilla will have you retching like you just saw a short hair in it, Tubby!” Maybe scoopers shaped like fingers? Ice cream containers with a toilet seat lid? Gag!

4:17 – Turns our her mom is selling the house, and there’s an Open House right now. Kelly’s irritable!!! Yelling at potential buyers!!! Ohoh, now she’s screaming at this 12-year old girl that’s with her mother, checking out the house….of course it doesn’t occur to anyone to ask why neither of these girls are in school during the middle of the day….or why an Open House has been scheduled for the middle of a weekday…or why God stopped at two when giving chicks titties....ooooohh, Kelly’s angry – she did NOT seem sincere when she said “you’re welcome!” to her mom’s “thanks so much for running these people off!!” I’d say Kelly should put something in her stomach, but then I wouldn’t be supportive of her “diet”, would I?

4:25 - Kelly and her Mom are fighting. Meeeooooooow! Mom: “you’re 18, you have to learn to cope with things!!” um, hello….isn’t she? By scarfing n barfing? Least she’s trying!!!! Just her way, mama!

Oh my. Mom has just seriously quoted the Bible: “this too shall pass.” Wow. Though I have a feeling Jackie has used that one before, peut-etre after swallowing too much during another “bukkake for blow” session. And I think the writers blew an opportunity here for a real, open dialogue: Kelly should’ve retorted to the Bible quote with “Ooooh, that’s heavy!” to wit Mama could’ve snorted back “Not as heavy as you fat-ass!!” Then they both turn to the camera for a 60-second PSA on “eating disorders and why they work.”

4:30 – Kelly’s having a fit, not going to dinner cause she cant find a shoe! Dylan: “youre not going just because of a lousy shoe?” Ohoh. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan….3 things you don’t say to a woman: 1) something about their weight, 2) “why don’t you pay for dinner, you KNOW I got fired for not knowing how to read you heartless fucking cunt!! And I’m into shit-play!!” and 3) something that doesn’t take their shoes seriously. You’d think D-Man would know this. Disappointing.

4:32 – ohoh…looking in a mirror, this cant be good…frowning…spinning, more frowning, silent disgust with herself….oh yeah! Break out the pills!! Suck em down, fatty!!! Yes!!! Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!!!

4:40 - Now she’s in a convertible complaining about overheating. Dr. Dylan: “its prolly the diet pills, Kel.” Now she says her heart is beating a mile a minute….Dylan shakes his head, drives on to the surprise birthday party for Kelly. He knows she’s been popping pills and not eating, now she’s complaining about being too hot even though he says it’s freezing, and her heart is dangerously racing….I gotta agree with the doctor here, what she needs is the calming, soothing act of everybody she knows jumping out from behind the furniture and screaming “SURPRISE!!” at her. This guy is, in a word, good.

4:42 – Well, she survived her own entrance. Ooooohh, frosty hug from Brenda…guess if Kellys gonna start eating now, its not gonna be Brenda’s mud flaps. Beeeeeeep. And who is this black dude Andrea’s with? I’ve never seen a black person on this show, now all of a sudden he’s hanging all over Andrea while everyone calls him Jordan. The Walsh’s must be furious, thinking they moved to the one place in the country whiter than Minnesota and now this guy shows up!

4:45 – Kelly going to the bathroom! This is gonna be good!! PLE-E-E-E-NTY of mirrors and toilets to get her juices flowing!!! Her own version of me walking into a Fuddruckers with….well, Fuddruckers would be enough, actually. She’s at a sink, throwing cold water on herself. Wtf. How does NOT eating make you overheat? Think it would be the opposite, no? My body temperature rises 20 degrees if I fucking walk by a Burger King. Okay, Im lying, it rises 20 degrees if I WALK. Oh wait, is this the body recognizing that Kelly wants to lose weight? “hmmm…she’s upchucking on purpose…let’s turn up the heat, help her sweat some off... good for her!!” wow…the female body, eh - is there nothing it can’t do? I mean other than orgasm during intercourse, obviously. Poor things.

4:46 – Sucking down water…room spinning…oooh Kelly, you are an ugly bitch!!!! This is gonna be good…..

4:47 – Brenda walks in KELLY’S ON THE FLOOR! UNCONSCIOUS!! DAMN YOU, COMMERCIALS!!!! Now we gotta wait to see what happens….if I didn’t already know Kelly was later gonna sleep her way thru the cast and get hooked on crack while joining a cult, I’d worry she might be dead.

4:52 - Kelly’s at the hospital. Dylan’s taking it hard, beating himself up for not throwing her pills out earlier. But not for 8 Seconds,I see. Interesting – is it even possible to figure this guy out? He’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in another enigma with a Sphinx colostomy bag. Now the gang is going over what they’ve seen over the past few weeks. Gee, turns out they’ve all seen Kelly not eat and pop a ton of pills. What a group of friends. They could watch OJ buying a case of leather gloves and he wouldn’t get an intervention from this bunch. “Come to think of it, he DID email us every day for two weeks he was gonna kill her…hmmm….” And seriously, who is this black guy with his arms around Andrea??

4:53 – Kelly’s mom is now bitching at the doctor that she don’t understand how the pills went wrong. “They’re supposed to be safe!” Nothing like a coke addict yelling this at a doctor. This is like my dick screaming at the cops “hey, she said she was 16!!!”

4:54 – Why does she have 2 black eyes? Doesn’t it seem like every time someone’s in a hospital bed on tv, their eyes are black? What’s going on in these fucking ambulances?

4:56 – Brenda and Kelly making up. Awww. Hearts melting all over the US. Leaving, Brenda says “call me tomorrow, ill take you out for ice cream.” Brilliant move, Brenda! Fatten the bitch up so Dylan will dump her! Yes!!!!

Show ends Dylan in room as she falls asleep. Obviously the lesson is that if you get skinny enough you’ll end up in the hospital, reuniting with your best friend and sleeping with your ridiculously rich boyfriend. One to grow on! Whoops...too soon?

Election

As a prank to make him look foolish, the older boys of Walnut Grove school nominate the object of their practical jokes, gentle Elmer Dobkins, to run for class president against popular Mary Ingalls and wealthy Nellie Oleson. While Mary and Nellie wage their campaigns with promises of popcorn and gum balls, Mr. Dobkins witnesses his son being teased by the older boys and, when he finds out why Elmer was nominated, angrily orders him to pull out of the election. But, when election day comes and the race seems too close to call, a cruel act and children tired of being bullied decide the outcome.

The Election episode of Little House on the Prairie has always been my favorite episode, since it lets me do my favorite things: seethe with burning, white-hot rage at the bullying of weaker kids, in particular one that can fairly be described as a bit of a half-wit. And then seethe with burning, white-hot rage at the exclusionary tactics of elementary school politics (NOT inviting Mary & Half-Pint to your fucking party, Nellie? FUCK YOU!)  And then seethe with burning, white-hot rage at the very idea of setting up the half-wit (the "are you kidding me, that's a bit spot-on, isn't it?"-named "Elmer") to make him feel like he has friends when all they're doing is setting him up to look foolish. And then seethe with burning, white-hot rage at the exclusionary tactics of elementary school politics AGAIN when Nellie arranges it so nobody comes Mary's party (not letting her come to your fucking party just wasn't enough, was it Nellie Oleson YOU BITCH I HATE YOU!!!!!!) And then as a bonus getting to seethe with burning, white-hot rage while watching a father have to watch his son be bullied and made a fool of.

And then, at the very end, getting to curl up in my Care Bears nightgown amidst all my stuffed animals and sobbing like a baby at Elmer's election day non-speech, which in the end sticks it to his biggest adversaries, the red-headed kid and the guy next to him (the Ralph and Potsie of the prarie, if they were about 70 years younger and complete douchebags) and, as usual, teaches us right from wrong - usually Michael Landon takes the lead in staring at justice and bubbling up with a clenched jaw, but this time he lets his girls handle the waterworks. Also, the little girl in the orange dress surely became a Mrs. Xmastime.

Get Back, You Japanese Home Wrecking Bitch!!!

I'm not one of those Beatles fans that thinks the sole reason they broke up is Yoko Ono, but this looks like it could be fun to see:

Director Mark Waters (500 Days of Summer, Mean Girls) has already lined up his next project: Get Back, a comedy about two obsessed Beatles fans who travel back in time to stop John Lennon from meeting Yoko Ono, thereby (theoretically) preventing the rock super-group from ever breaking up.

Of course, they'll prolly fuck it up by having Will Ferrell in it, but I'm holding out hope they won't.

There's an entire Wikipedia page devoted to the break-up, with several reasons that led to it listed:

1 Brian Epstein's death
2 George Harrison's emergence as a songwriter
3 Difficulty in collaboration
4 Yoko Ono
5 The Beatles double album
6 The Twickenham and Apple studio recording sessions
7 Business quagmire: Allen Klein, Lee Eastman and ATV-Northern Songs
8 Departures
    8.1 John Lennon's departure
    8.2 McCartney's departure

I don't really see how #8 could be considered as LEADING to the breakup; John or Paul leaving the band to me would just constitute a breakup. Smoking for 50 years may LEAD to death, but actually dying does not.

Anyways, as was mentioned BACK IN APRIL, it's way better they went out as the Jim Brown of music: on top. Otherwise, the only way to go woulda been down:

Steve Turner, author of “A Hard Day's Write: The Stories Behind Every Beatles Song,” agreed: “You can look at some of the songs they wrote during the Beatles that got left over and put on solo albums — but whether you put all those together and it would have made a follow up to ‘Abbey Road,’ I don’t know. They seemed to have reached their limit."

Photobomb!

"Hi!"

Doesn't top Watty's creepy 2010 photobomb of my photobomb, but still  ;)

Just When You Thought Being White Couldn't Get Any Better...

...we get to claim Kim Kardashian as our own!  Yes!!!

The 50 Hottest White Girls with Ass

A Sniffnut Moment

People with brains have been laughing their asses off  scratching their heads over Palin's absurd WTF "response" to Obama's Sputnik moment in the SOTU the other night, and of course, instead of just shutting the fuck up she's doubling down, and has scrambled the jets to find a cumpatriot to help blame it on the lamestream media:

Citing Wikipedia (what journalistic ingenuity!), Stromberg argues that actually the Soviet Union didn’t have a debt problem until some “thirty years after” Sputnik. Perhaps instead of relying on Wikipedia, Stromberg might have consulted Robert Gates’ book From the Shadows which chronicles, in part, his career as a Soviet analyst at the CIA.  (Just in case they are unaware at the Post, this is the same Robert Gates who is now the Secretary of Defense.)  On page 173, he accurately points out that the CIA knew early on of the “Soviet economic crisis.  From the late 1950s, CIA had clearly described the chronic weaknesses as well as the formidable military power of the Soviet Union.”

The point I believe I'm making that everyone else is thinking at this moment is: how does Sniffy square this thinking with her conviction that her "hero" Reagan singlehandedly brought the Soviet Union to it's knees? Wouldn't this make him irrelevant?  Is Jesus going to come strike her down now?

Big Bear: He's Running For City Councilman, and He Wants Your Vote.

Bachmann. Still Giving.

Crazy Bachmann thinks the way to save money is cutting veteran's benefits, which isn't making her too popular with the troops.

On one hand, I admire Bachmann's balls re: actually putting any $$$ involved with defense on the table worth cutting.

On the other hand, I'm guessing that if we stopped sending these people off to wars that are completely unnecessary  somewhat questionable in the first place, we'd save a shitload of money.  After all, the odds of some guy getting shot at and then losing his legs and his mind seem to be much greater during times of, you know, war.

But if you wanna dress up and play war and use real people, you gotta pony up the dough.

I look forward to Bachmann's I'M FOR THE WAR, BUT AGAINST THE TROOPS! bumper stickers to make the rounds; the GOP version of "I'm not spiritual, but I'm very religious," right?


But then, I have no idea why some squirrels are brown and some are grey, so what the fuck do I know?

Great. More Germans.

Longtime Xmastime buddy Keith "The Ice Cream Truck" Campbell first became famous for scorching The Happy Scene record with his face-melting lead guitar work. Then he blew the roof off at the first ever Happy Scene show at The Continental with his bubbly fretwork (I will post that show soon as I convert it from smoke signal to mp3.) Then he upped the celebrity ante by remarking "can we pee on the floor?" the first time he walked into my loft to record the seminal late-90's track Joe Strummer, which of course became the Smells Like Teen Spirit of the 90s.

And now, he's about to have a kid!!!!  Dean Golden Skillet Campbell's due any moment now, you can follow along HERE for the scoop  :)

Of course, that's if you speak German. Or Spanish. Whatever the hell that is  (looks made up to me).

Way to go Keith!

The Gout. A New Low.

This morning at the GWB Bridge waiting for the bus, I was limping so badly that a fucking cop pulled me aside and started interrogating me, thinking I was drunk. When he realized that wasn't so, he started asking me if I had done any drugs, or had I stopped in over at (name of whatever drug haven close by is that I guess people go buy drugs.) He kept hounding me for about 5-7 minutes.  In his defense, I can't really blame him - I haven't slept in 2 or 3 days because of the pain and have popped probably way too much Aleve, so I'm sure I looked kinda crazy.

But upon finally letting me go, was it really necessary for him to say "you should get a new winter coat."? I mean, wtf? Now he's gotta try to hurt my feelings?

1/28/86

Today is the 25th anniversary of the Challenger explosion; I remember very clearly Mr. Smith announcing it to us in World Geography class. Yes, the same Mr. Smith who, while handing me my trophy as the 1986 World Geography Award Winner, took the time to explain to the entire class that I didn't actually deserve it. Grrrr. 

While Christa McAuliffe is obviously the most famous of that Challenger crew, her backup Barbara Morgan's story ended up being just as compelling, as I mentioned in a post last year. Be on the lookout for PBS to be running that today or this weekend.

Also, it turns out that part of the crew that day was Ronald McNair, who was not only the second African American in space, but also was set to have another claim to fame:

McNair was an accomplished saxophonist. Before his fateful last space shuttle mission he had worked with composer Jean Michel Jarre on a piece of music for Jarre's then-upcoming album Rendez-Vous. It was intended that he would record his saxophone solo on board the Challenger, which would have made McNair's solo the first original piece of music to have been recorded in space. However, the recording was never made as the flight ended in disaster leading to the deaths of its entire crew.The last of the Rendez-Vous pieces, (Last Rendez-Vous) had the additional name "Ron's Piece". Ron McNair was supposed to take part in the concert through a live feed, but that never happened.

C is for Cookie

The cost of all the wars has officially hit our most valuable of troops: The Girl Scouts.

As the annual selling season gets under way for the organization's iconic cookies, Girl Scouts councils are beginning to say adios to Dulce de Leche, no thanks to Thank U Berry Munch and farewell to a whole slew of other varieties added in recent years.


To cut costs and increase revenue, a dozen Girl Scouts councils are testing out a plan to hawk just six different cookies.

First of all, as long as they keep selling my Tagalongs, I could give two fuckitty-fucks what they sell or don't sell.

But seriously, once someone even kind of commits to looking at the list of flavors to choose from, who really pulls away and says "oh, you're not selling my raspberry-drizzle fuckpig cookies this year, so no thanks"? Wouldn't you just feel like a complete asshole while the girl is standing there? So why sell more than a handful of different ones to fucking sell? People know it's for a good cause. It's not fucking Ben & Jerry's for chrissake. Give the little girl $3, eat your goddam cookies and then you'll have something to talk about when you take her to prom a decade later.

American Idol

I haven't watched a ton of American Idol over the years. But I feel I've watched enough to feel I'm due for a contestant with an absolutely batshit, horrid case of Tourette's.

Growing Up.

I've never really worn pajamas before, so this morning I was pretty psyched to put on the pajama bottoms I got for Christmas.  Another foot of snow has fallen, it's a snow day, fuck it I'll be Mr. Cozy.

But there's nothing that makes a grown man feel like a completly worthless pussy than lounging around in  goddam pajamas. I can't do it. I gotta put on fucking jeans like grown-up.

Sigh.

Dreams

The other night I had a dream I was talking with a girl from my high school about how awesome this video was.

Lies.

Anyone who tells you gout is brought on by beer and red meat is fucking lying to you. This month I have drunk almost NO beer and eaten red meat ONCE, and yet with the exception of MAYBE 2 days (both which curiously followed a night of beer drinking) have been fucking plagued with gout all fucking month. Unfuckingbelievable.

Today's "Are You Sure This Isn't from the Onion?" Moment

Ah, good ol' Sniffs: worried that she'll be overshadowed by her mini-me Michelle Bachmann, steps up to the plate:

Palin responded, "That was another one of those WTF moments when [Mr. Obama] so often repeated the 'Sputnik Moment' that he would aspire Americans to celebrate. He needs to remember that what happened back then with the former communist USSR and their victory in that race to space, yeah, they won, but they also incurred so much debt at the time that it led to the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union."

On one hand, it's curious that someone who wraps herself up so readily in the American flag of blind, unquestioned American exceptionalism now seems to think America shouldn't do things anymore that are, you know, exceptional, and should just collectively sit on the big beanbag chair in our dorm until our Little Caesar's tab is paid up.  On the other hand, I have no idea where the water goes when I flush the toilet, so what the fuck do I know?

Modest Proposal

I've noticed that the latest in a now-long line of "things that average Americans are supposed to wring their hands about when it comes to whether or not the super-rich are getting super-richer" is the corporate tax rate. Oh my!  It's much too high!  Obama even mentioned it Tuesday night, remember? And he said it in a "can you BELIEVE this??!?" way, and you could feel about 200 million heads across the land nodding in unison, "yeah, that's fucked up, man!!"

The big sell, of course, is that corporations are so frustrated, just WAITING! for that darned tax rate! to be cut three percent, and then they'll oh so gleefully shower money upon any "mom 'n pop" small business that will take it, and the country will be launched to 0.0% unemployment and unprecedented prosperity. Of COURSE they will!!

That's a nice little line to swallow. But guess what? Unlike you and me, corporations are doing rather splendidly.

The fact remains that corporations are hauling in record profits and sitting on nearly $2 trillion in cash reserves.

Meanwhile, guess what they AREN'T doing?

PAYING TAXES!!!!

Corporate tax receipts account for about seven percent of federal revenues.  Fifty years ago, corporate tax receipts were 23 percent of federal revenue. The U.S. collects less in corporate tax revenue than the OECD average.

Not to mention they're giving each other bonuses with numbers that the rest of can't comprehend.  How many more times do we hafta hear that X company was supposed to pay $75B in taxes but didn't thanks to the incredible number of loopholes that we've set into the tax code for them? These corporations have entire armies of people whose job it is to make sure they pay as little, if anything, as possible in taxes. The current tax code is partly structured to ensure this happens. They're good at making money, and they're good at keeping it. Lower the rate 3%, they'll cry it's too high; lower it another 3%, still too high, and on and on. It's human nature, and this is the system we've set up for them, so it's not even as if they're really doing anything illegal.

My problem is their bitching and moaning. For instance, why the fuck does someone like me even know what the corporate tax rate is? The answer is they feel the need to win some sort of public relations game that doesn't actually exist (just like the billionaire vs. millionaire battle royale about to happen in the NFL that we're supposed to give two shits about.)

Why? To me, if they really care about what someone like me thinks about how they're being treated tax-wise, why not make a big show of not only accepting the tax rate, but PROUDLY! doing so as an "American company in these hard times!"?  Hey, what's the fucking difference - they're not gonna pay the shit anyway, so what do they care? "39%? 42? Let's make it 45%, fuck it!   I'm a great American!"

Or else just shut the fuck up and quiet crying about it to anyone with a camera or a microphone. Take your bags of cash, don't pay taxes on them, and go be quiet so we don't waste a bunch of time being fooled into giving a shit about you.

It's as if these corporations see the "Victim Game" that's so popular now with politicians and pundits et al, and they're miffed at being left out: "heeeeeeeeyyyy, WE wanna be seen as victims too!!"  They're not happy merely being rich as shit, they want you to feel sorry for them too.  Why can't they just take their money, light big cigars on their boats and say "fuck you, we did nothing wrong, it's our money"?

It's as if it's no longer just enough to be right, it's much more important to be wronged.

 

American Idol.

Christ, they fucking got me. What am I, made of fucking stone?

Fudge Packer

How much longer do we all hafta pretend to give a shit about the guy from Chicago that got fired from his job selling cars for wearing a Packers tie to work? I mean, aren't we all really just surprised the Packers haven't announced yet that he'll be their special guest at the Super Bowl, and will probably get to do the coin flip? Are we really supposed to believe he's not gonna end up with some cushy front office gig at Lambeau? And don't we all wish this was him?

State of My Union

I have found myself to be especially randy today. Interesting.

Beatles 101

First Beatles scholar graduates in Liverpool

A former Miss Canada finalist has become the first graduate of a Liverpool university's groundbreaking degree program based on analyzing the Beatles' music and their impact on Western culture. 

Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, for fuck's sake - I pretended to read Elizabeth Gaskell at a pretend college  spent four years at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, developing the use of a bioreactor, which incorporates some type of light source to provide photonic energy input into the reactor and this little slut gets to sit around singing along to The Beatles? Really? Wtf? She couldn't even seal the deal on becoming Miss Canada, and now she gets to coast to a degree in this?

Xmastime Crush

Gayle King

True Lies Too

True Lies is about as stupid a movie as someone can possibly make (not Independence Day stupid, but that's not really fair.) But I always thought Tom Arnold and Ahhhnold were pretty funny together, so now that he's done ruling California, they should do a sequel.

Here's the two of them in a typical buddy-movie moment, having some laughs while saving the world.

Me Likes

from.

Teacher, Teacher

Barry:

Let's also remember that after parents, the biggest impact on a child's success comes from the man or woman at the front of the classroom. In South Korea, teachers are known as "nation builders." Here in America, it's time we treated the people who educate our children with the same level of respect. We want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones.

Like everyone else, I was excited to hear Obama make the statement that it's time to actually make teaching in America a more worthy profession, therein presumably getting the best and the brightest to become teachers thanks to higher status and salary.

But of course, this is probably the same shit they say every year in the SOTU. And then nothing changes. As I said five years ago, it's never gonna change until we remove the stigma of it being an old lady job, and actually make it a competetive, higher-paying one.

...we tell ourselves, teaching is a higher calling, teachers do it cause they love it! They’d do it for free; they’re thrilled to be getting anything! Meanwhile we pay janitors at these schools twice as much – I guess we think of janitors as being an ambitious, money-hungry conniving bunch, so it’s okay to pay them. We expect them to [teach] for almost nothing cause that’s the way it always has been (ie has historically been a woman’s job), and then we wonder why we’re getting dumber and dumber every year. It’s not that Johnny can’t read - it’s that instead of becoming teachers, the people who COULD teach Johnny to read took the job of placing those cakes in the urinals since it pays more and you get pissed on less.

Hey, don't be too tough on Obama for only being 5 years behind Xmastime. He's only human.

Bed Intruders

I was late to the game in seeing the Bed Intruder video, and I'm sure I rolled my eyes upon hearing the dude is getting a reality show. But, despite the underlying, horrifying truth that it all began with a female being sexually assaulted in the projects, the guy in the video is funny as hell. I have no idea how the anchors reporting on it kept a straight face.

It also reminds me that the same thing happened to my mother on her honeymoon. Well, the guy ended up being her husband, but still. Hey, look - a reason to listen to my Aunt Pat speak! :)

What Your State Sucks At

I immediately thought the same thing some dude over at Sully did: we can't think of anything more shameful for, of all states, Florida? And are there really no states dumber than Maine? Not, say, oh I dunno...Florida?

Also, Alaska might be the best at suicide, but from what I saw watching that Sarah Palin "reality show" I feel like it could do much, much more in that particular field.

Bobby!

Bobby Jindal is famous for bungling the response to Obama's State of the Union a coupla years back. But it wasn't the SOTU, it was a speech to a joint session of Congress ("I also like that, despite 7 people (including an infant) being shot there earlier today, he opens up with "Happy Mardi Gras!!" ") Which is kind of like the SOTU, but just as boring and completely meaningless.

Also, Jindal was part of a riff I had that should've made me a lot more famous, and certainly should've gotten me laid more (and of course by "laid more," I mean "laid"):

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What the GOP Has Allowed Itself to Become

Limbaugh, Jindal, Palin and Romney - Oh my!!!!!

In retrospect, I definitely shoulda made a joke about the Tin Man trying to peep on Dorothy's titties.Oh well. Lesson learned!

Bachmann

It's worth noting that a few hours before she gave the official Tea Party "response" to the SOTU, Michelle Bachmann gave a speech wherein she informed us that the Founding Fathers ended slavery. Wow, is here nothing these men we're determined to feteshize as perfect didn't do? Which one of them invented the iPhone? Was it that greatest of founding fathers that Bachmann cited, John Quincy Adams?

Of course, black people should be embarrassed after this latest history lesson from Bachmann - can you fucking believe that for about 80 years the slaves were actually free the whole time? They coulda just fucking left!! Does Bachmann prefer us to assume that the slaves, being black and therein dumber than white people, just simply didn't "get" that they were free? Or would she rather us assume that they DID hear the news, but were, in typical American Negro fashion, simply too lazy to go out and get a real job? "Fuck it, we get three hots and a cot here." The 19th century version of a black dude missing yet another job interview due to oversleeping, thanks to another all-nighter of drinking orange soda and being scared of dogs?

Actually, Bachmann presenting us with a part of history we can pretend never existed is a good precedent, since soon enough we'll be able to pretend Bachmann never fucking happened to us.

SOTU

"Sunscreen? Ni--ah, please!"

Bachmann "Response"

What the hell is she looking at?  WE'RE OVER HERE, DUMBASS!!!!

She's gotten a lot hotter. I would totally hang some beef up in her.

She's really taking Obama to school here. He could learn a lot from her. Hey, when is she gonna show us on the map where it's gonna snow tomorrow?

Oh yes, that battle in the Pacific, at Iwa Jamma. My grandfather fought there. No, wait - he was in Phi Slamma Jamma. Sorry, my fault.

SOTU Response

I noticed that at the end of Paul Ryan's response to Obama, he didn't sign off with "God Bless America."

Interesting. Does Ryan hate Jesus? What about Baby Jesus? Does Ryan think that God doesn't think America is freaking AWESOME!?!?!?!

An odd misstep. No God Blessing America? Not in MY Congress, Ryan!! You're OUT!!!!

SOTU

Can he shut up already - let's get to Bachmann!!!!

SOTU

I do like that Obama has spent more time challenging us to meet an Apollo-esque challenge and pointing out specific new energy things than the usual tear-jerking shit that usually goes on at these things.  "This is Doris, she had her face eaten by a bear and then, because she loves America, she founded a new typing school..."

Of course, he's still talking, so there's still time.

59 Things You Didn't Know

About Virginia Woolf.

I, for one, had no idea she was hot as balls. Gotdam - if you can pull off the hairbun and still be hot, that's fucking impressive.

Goals. They're Important.

I should be meaner to little kids on the train. There was one across from me today, probably about 3 years old,  and of course I started goofing around, making faces or whatever, and he'd laugh and goof right back. But this must happen all the time with the kid. And every kid. I think it'd be much more interesting to him, and make me stand out a little more, if every time his mother looked away I'd make scary, threatening faces at him, complete with gestures like I was shooting him, or slashing his throat. Then when his mom turns back, I turn back into Mr. Happy Sweetheart Guy. Right? How much fun would that be?

What's the Word For...

...that sudden, panicky, sickening sensation when it occurs you to think "oh my God - what if I really don't ever find the fucking remote?"

Old. Ugh.

When you're young, you think of yourself as always being young, and old people always being old. It never occurs to you that the old fuck you're making fun of used to be your own age. You think he was born 80 years old. Maybe that's what wisdom comes from - an old person has been young AND old, you've only been young.

Anyways, I realized today that I'm at the age where I see an old motherfucker and think well, that's gonna be me one day.  And it's fucking depressing.

Plans. I Have Them.

I wanna quit drinking.  Not because I'm an alcoholic, but so I can be incredibly judgmental and self-righteous.  I don't really have a lot to hang over my friends.  I'm not rich, or successful; I pretty much go through life like a fucking buffoon. But if I quit drinking and lorded it over everybody, then I'd have something!  I just wanna be sitting around with my buddies, and when I hear one crack open a beer, loudly sigh, "great, HERE we go," and just act disgusted the entire time.

Tyranny Coming!

Earlier today I mentioned Tim Pawlenty's taking up of the latest tool in the GOP tool belt, the ol' "Tyranny is coming!  You are warned!", which I've been doing for several weeks now.

This makes me think of Marley's "storm coming" riff, so I thought I'd come up with any excuse to listen to it again  tie the two together and re-post it. You're welcome!  :)

Jerry the Great

Xmastime buddy Cook E. Face hipped me to this video, which asks the question: What if Seinfeld Was a Dramatic Movie About World Takeover?  :)

In a surprise to exactly nobody, George steals the whole thing.

Top 10

...Movie Food Moments.

Ratatouille wins!   :)

I've seen most of the 10, and they are pretty great scenes. I've also always liked Snoopy making all that toast in the Peanuts Thanksgiving joint.

Hey, I know, that's not a movie. Fuck you!!!!!

Oscar, Jeff, and Titties.

They've been yammering over at Sully about the surprising meeting between Oscar Wilde and Jefferson Davis, which is funny because I just read about it in Bloody Crimes. And by "funny," I don't mean "odd," I mean I'm laughing because someone is under my desk tickling my furry hog balls while I'm watching the episode of What's Happening! when Dwayne pisses off Rerun's brother in law after picking NFL Games for him to bet on.

What I recall from the story was that apparently Davis hardly said a word to him, and then said he didn't like wilde after he had left. Meanwhile, Wilde was all a-flutter (as the gays tended to be before they invented nautilus machines) about meeting Davis. This was sad to me, and reminded me of one time in 5th or 6th grade when girls were passing around one of those "Rate Your Friends" things or whatever the fuck they were, and Girl A gave Girl B a 10, as in "we're very close," but Girl B gave Girl A a 0, as in "I barely know this person, and have no interest in sniffing her Care Bear drawers in the girls locker room." Made me sad for some reason.

I won't reveal the girls' identities, although one was Japanese (or, as we called everyone who wasn't white or black, "Chinese") with what were to become great, big ol' titties, and the other girl would go on to accomplish such great feats as letting me feel her up in English class in the 10th grade. Nom nom nom!!!!

Jennifer Love Xmastime is a Goddam Genius

J-Lox is making it easier on her suitor (me):

The pressure is off Jennifer Love Hewitt's future husband. She has already picked out her wedding ring – actually, three.

"I feel like I'm doing the guy a favor," the actress, 31, tells Ellen DeGeneres in an interview airing Tuesday on her talk show. "I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring, so I feel like having three picked out and saying, 'Look! Look at this plethora of things you can choose from!' "

The Ghost Whisperer star, who found the rings at Tiffany's, plans to explain to her beau: "If you chose one of these three, I'm going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So, why would you want to do that?"

I can't think of anything more stupid and terrifying than picking out a goddam engagement ring. You gotta blow a ton of dough, then you hafta hope she's thrilled out of her mind about it, that it's the "perfect!!!" ring for her. All for something I cannot imagine giving two shits about. I'd rather buy the cheapest, piece of crap ring in the world, then make up some story about my grandmother gave it to me as she was dying, and she got the ring while saving orphans from a fire or some shit like that. Really test how much my fianceé loves me, knowwhatImean? I mean, I'm not gonna tell a dog ate it and then shit it out, so calm the fuck down.

But kudos for Jennifer for offering to remove this whole charade, and not making some dude hafta pretend he gives a shit about the fucking ring. Maybe after we get hitched, she can go a little further, and not make me pretend I give a shit about her friends or family.

TP

This video for Tim Pawlenty has been making the rounds this morning, and everybody is either greatly impressed or mildly annoyed at the bombastic production. But of course, one thing I’ve noticed is that nobody’s talking about Tim Pawlenty. Because it's pretty impossible to do. He seems like a nice enough guy, although I've noticed in making his rounds to pimp his book Courage to Stand, Despite Being Born a White Man in Minnesota and Becoming the Governor, he's tried to become appealing to stupid people by inferring that "tyranny" is creeping into the country thanks to Obama, and that's why the unemployment rate is so high.

But even when he's saying stupid shit, it's impossible to get worked up about him because he'd lose a personality contest to white toast. For all we know, Pawlenty DOES have the answers to all of our problems, but nobody wants to hear it from him, because we'd fall the fuck asleep. He's about as inconsequential as it comes, which is why this big, epic trailer for his book makes sense.  It's the tiny-dicked guy with the huge rifle shouting "look at me!  look at me!" while we all gently pat him on the head and ignore him.

Books.

Hey, look - a book of frightening stories that include horrific, terrible things brought on by the human mind spiraling into insanity. AND a collection of stories by Edgar Allen Poe. Cool.

SOTU, Cont.

The only thing that's good about the speech tonight is Michelle Bachmann's "rebuttal" afterwards. I know Paul Ryan is doing the official one, but he's a boring fucktard who's just gonna blather away about us needing to be "adults" and "take responsibility," ie "stop giving money to poor people, or those who aren't white."

Bachmann, meanwhile, surely sees this as a chance to sprint way out front in the GOP Batshit Olympics, especially since Michael Steele isn't there to kick around anymore. I will have my Jiffy Pop out for her speech, which surely will be incoherent and insane, ie, way more interesting than Obama's speech.

SOTU, Cont.

Thomas Jefferson is a historical figure that gets more amazing the more I read about him, and yet another example of how cool he was is that he agreed with me by skipping the pointless State of the Union.

"Dear Ms. Berry? Or Miss H. Berry? Dear Halle?...oh, I do loves me some mochachina..."

SOTU

Yglesias continues with what I said a coupla days ago: the SOTU speech is generally pretty useless.
 
Why even do it? How cool would it be for Obama to say "fuck it, ain't doing it this year"? Or, instead of a speech, merely recite a Bill Cosby routine? Or tell high school sports stories? I mean, camon. anything would be more entertaining and more meaningful. We're all gonna start watching, then try to stay awake, then begin to get irked he's cutting into whatever show we'd usually be watching. Then jerkoffs like Charles Krauthammer will smugly remark that what he's learned from the speech is that Obama "knows how to deliver a speech," and everyone else on FOX News will remind us that they're not too crazy about black people by coming up with a dozen different ways of saying his speech was all style, no substance. You know, cause Bush's speeches were always Newtonian in both their tone and ponderance of logistics. For fuck's sake - Obama should walk up to the mic, look around the room, and then finally say "As for the SATs, remember - it's almost never letter E. Good luck!" and walk out.

Snowflakes

Those fat snowflakes this morning reminded me of what I picture the snow looking like in The Dead.

I'll be disappointed if flakes like that don't fall at my funeral.  Of course, I'm such an idiot I'll prolly die in August, so.

Let's Party!

I think at the next Tea Party protest, black dudes should show up en masse. Have some black dudes show up with, you know, their guns guaranteed by the second amendment, and then watch the Tea Party lose their fucking shit. I mean, we're all pretty comfortable with the belief that if you're white, you should have a gun, right? The Second Amendment doesn't mean niggers can have guns, right? Obviously, only 19th century muskets!!

 I'd love to see black people show up at these things, and watch the TPers piss their fucking pants.

Na Na Na Na

I realize that I am an unapologetic Beatles freak. But sometimes I feel like the end of Hey Jude is a gift to humanity. Bigger than The Beatles, bigger than us, bigger than god.

Songs.

While ejaculating over Nirvana, most people love to prove how cool they are by pointing out that The Pixies were the first band to employ the ol' "quiet verse, loud chorus" thing. I wonder if these people have ever heard of a little song called Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Hmm.

Sibling Rivalry

As I get older, I worry more and more that my family's story will die with myself. Not that it's any more interesting than the next family, but I worry that maybe I was the one born to tell it, and I'm not doing it very well. I guess I worry a lot about upsetting my brothers and sister, but hell, I'm as equal party to my own family as they are. Plus, it's been 20 years anyway, so who gives a shit.

The point is, I'd like it if Paddy Mac knew that my dad used to call me "Rastus," which made no sense, and might've been Brer Rabbit-ish, actually in looking it up now was completely racist, but was nice as hell at the time.

Corporate Taxes.

On of the funnier things about America today is that if you truly believe in it's spirit, if you TRULY believe in the AMERICAN DREAM of entreprenuership and "Can do it!"-ism, you're also supposed to believe that that a 3% difference in the corporate tax is worth scrapping that very idea, and saying "fuck it, I'd rather be homeless."

Poverty, racism, sexism, your idea is asinine, no education, you're an idiot, no, of course those aren't things holding you back - of course, it's the government taking an extra dollar out of every three thousand you might potentially make that is the reason you're still living in your parents basement wiping Cheetos dust off your Dazed and Confused underoos.

Ah yes. Another myth created to make stupid people root for the uber-wealthy. Well done, rich people!

Interesting.

Sir Thomas Malory's ' Le Morte d'Arthur has been around for over 500 years, and yet we've never had a definitive Arthur on camera, via tv or movie, have we?

Rick Perry

I've written on Xmastime many, many times that Texas Governor is God's gift to the anti-intellectual, anti-gub'ment idiots of the country. He's been railing against the federal government for a while now, and gee, guess whose ass was bailed out by the big, evil federal gub'ment?

Texas Gov. Rick Perry likes to tell Washington to stop meddling in state affairs. He vocally opposed the Obama administration's 2009 stimulus program to spur the economy and assist cash-strapped states.

Perry also likes to trumpet that his state balanced its budget in 2009, while keeping billions in its rainy day fund.

But he couldn't have done that without a lot of help from ... guess where? Washington.

Turns out Texas was the state that depended the most on those very stimulus funds to plug nearly 97% of its shortfall for fiscal 2010, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures.

Of course, the joke isn't on Perry. He's been made even richer and more powerful by pretending to be stupid and fighting windmills. The joke is on people who are stupid enough to admire and vote for Perry, demanding to be suffocated by his proud ignorance, and those that are determined to spread the virtue of stupidity.

The Most Overlooked Clash Song?

Life.

I think we should all be artists. And we should all be thrown against the frying pan, and all of our art should ooze out like water when it hits the pan, spreading with...water.  But some will be like eggs, young and bright and brilliant. The rest of us will just sputter out, we're mere water. But it's the eggs that will live forever...

Fone Rep.

A lot is made of how horrible customer service is over the phone. And yes, most of it has reached punchline status.  However, I just had a discussion with an Amazon rep, and it couldn't have been more pleasant. She was gracious, she was helpful, and the entire transaction was very easy.  I wanted to ask for her boss so that I could blow her up, but I felt that might be demeaning to her (I once asked a stripper if it was poor form to offer a tip, so I'm an idiot.)
Anyways.

Olbermann.

I don't watch Rachel Maddow because it's too frustrating to think of how hot she could be if she grew her hair, but I for damn sure never watched Keith Olbermann, so I have no idea why anybody gives a shit that he resigned. As I brilliantly said back in August of 2008:

Keith Olbermann is like criticism - even if you agree with him, he's hard to take. Ugh.

At one time, back in the mid-90's, Keith Olbermann and Craig Kilborn were the kings. Now they're both assholes nobody gives two shits about. Interesting.

DEEE-Fence!

I don't wanna pound on the Jets too much here today. Hey, I give them a lot of credit for making it to the AFC Championship Game for the second straight year - a lot of people have always used the Bills as a punchline for losing 4 Super Bowls, but I will never be one of them; I'd rather lose the Super Bowl every year than never go to one. The Jets and their fans are complete jackoffs who can't shut their fucking mouths and therein render whatever they say meaningless, but you can't say they're quitters.

But.

For all of Rex' bluster about his defense, was there anybody on the planet that was surprised that the Steelers converted that final 3rd down?   When all was said and done, it was the Jets defense, JUST LIKE THEY HAD ALL SEASON, that gave up the play that lost the game.  Rex' pride and joy were the ones that ended their season, not Sanchez & Co.

Addiction

I've been very open about my gout, and wrote a couple of years ago about the pain being so terrible and all-consuming that I flirted with thoughts of suicide. And now Matt Yglesias is writing about chronic pain vs. addiction:

But short of dying, experiencing chronic pain is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. The correct ordering of priorities is to try to make sure that nobody suffering from treatable chronic pain goes untreated, and then try to minimize addiction risks within that framework. The view that people suffering pain should get relief subject to the binding constraint that we need to fight addiction has a nice Puritan logic to it, but it doesn’t make any real sense.

There is a madness to the idea that preventing people from becoming addicts is somehow more important than relieving people of obscene pain. For one, we're only alive for a very short time, so I really don't see why pretending to be martyrs because we're as miserable as possible, and feeling that anyone will give a shit about our martyrdom in an afterlife, is somehow preferable to living a normal life that is somewhat pain-free. For another, I don't think people understand that there is a threshold of pain that becomes all-consuming; ie you're not just dealing with "oh, my knee hurts," you're also dealing with not being able to sleep, not being able to think about anything else, and not being able to live a normal life.  Such pain is overwhelming, and swallows a fucking life.

But also, anyone dealing with excruciating pain is someone who isn't contributing to society in any real way. I spent the first two weeks of this month dealing with such pain that I dreaded walking to the goddam bathroom, or kitchen. And while it's fun to imagine what a fat, pathetic loser I am, that's also two weeks I'm not walking around buying shit in stores, or coming up with iPhone Apps for people to buy. And if I exist, I'm sure there's a lot of people like this.

Meanwhile, a few years ago when I went to a clinic, the doctor diagnosed my gout and then told me I should take an Advil. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said for the price of Advil, I could buy a hammer, which I would pay her to bury in my fucking skull.  She sheepishly told me well, we don't like to prescribe anything more serious to patients, since they might become, say it with me, addicted.

Incredible.

Northern Neck

Historic Sites in Virginia’s Northern Neck and Essex County

Historic Sites in Virginia’s Northern Neck and Essex County is an indispensible guide for those who have an active or potential interest in the rich history of the Northern Neck region of Virginia and its historic sites. This six-county Tidewater region includes the birthplaces of George Washington, James Madison, James Monroe, and Robert E. Lee. The guide includes a brief history of the region beginning with the exploratory voyages of Captain John Smith up the Potomac and Rappahannock Rivers in 1608, and his encounters with various local Native American tribes.

Of course, no word on whether it mentions THE historical spot of Essex County, Sunnyside Grocery. Nom nom nom!

Up a Tree

Here's the story on Almond, some fucking cat that's been living in a tree for 7 months.

First of all, fuck him. Cats suck.

But it does remind us of a certain fat, grouchy cat that was named after the president shot by the funniest assassin of all time!  :)

Last Licks

Now that I mentioned it earlier, I'm back in a Cheaper by the Dozen mood.

"I can save forty-four seconds,"he grumbled, "but I wasted two minutes this morning putting this bandage on my throat.

It wasn't the slashed throat that really bothered him. It was the two minutes. 

And of course, it has my vote for the greatest last line of a novel.

Oh, Eff this Beeyotch.

This woman went looking for her half sister and gee, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, it happens to be the richest woman in the history iof the fucking universe. Talk about winning the goddam lottery. It's like this little shit getting adopted by you know who. Grrr.


And to think, I thought it would be amazing if I married Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen's sister (met her, no big deal, you KNOW I'm not gonna talk about ti so don't even try.)

Faster

This page HERE has a video that purports to help you do everythign faster so as as to not waste any time, unless, of course, it's wasting time watching a video, I suppose.

Of course linking to this is merely a non-veiled excuse to remind yall that one of my all-time treasured, going-in-my-box-to-the-boneyard books is Cheaper By the Dozen, wherein the father is a time efficiency expert who, for instance, tries to save time shaving by using two razors at once before deciding he wastes even MORE time cleaning up the blood afterwards.  If you have never read this book, read it now. You'll laugh, and you'll cry.

Pizza Factal

Century

Jack LaLanee is dead, at 96. 96!

Now, there's no way I'm making it to 96. We know this.  But, if by some freak of nature I DO make it that far, I feel like there's no way in HELL I'm not hanging in there for the big 1-0-0 (coffee table idea: people who died one day before turning 100!)
Hell, if I make it that close, I'm demanding Op pulls a Weekend at Bernies with me, and keeps me in a meat locker with sunglasses on long enough to cross that finish line. I know he's got enough to do during the single greatest funeral of all time, but camon.

7) I am currently preparing another website devoted to my incredibly elaborate, almost unbearable-for-those-who-loved-me 14-hour funeral service. Included will be my list of song choices (“The Cuts”) and some skits I will have prepared (“The Skits”)acting out various scenes from my life. I do feel bad for my buddy Op, upon whom I have placed the most chores on that darkest of days (no, I’m not calling it a fucking “celebration” – anyone there “celebrating” instead of being physically overcome with grief over my passing will be dealt with by Op. I’m putting it in black and white right here: not now, nor will I ever proclaim that I want people having a good time at my funeral. Therefore the first fuckwad that says “Hey, Xmastime would want us to have fun” gets a boot heel to the throat. This I promise.), including jobs like making sure all my past lovers are seated together so that they can try to out-grieve each other and scoring the “What Xmastime Meant to Me” essays. So be on the lookout for this site in the near future. Also, I’m putting this down in black & white too: not now, nor will I ever proclaim that I want my wife to get remarried. If she starts throwing out that garbage “Oh Xmastime would want me to move on and be happy” SHE’S LYING!! DON’T BELIEVE HER!!! I’m looking to assign someone the job of making sure she visits the cemetery at least once a week and hurls herself on my grave wailing uncontrollably for an hour or so. Let me know who’s up for that one.