Saturday, December 31, 2011
Ouch!
Tonight
I'm not saying I went as far as manscaping, but I just gave myself the best shave of the year with my new $8 razor.
Ladies: you're welcome!
Ladies: you're welcome!
Poor Kim Young-sik
According to several sources, avant-garde standup comedian Lenny Bruce went on with his November 22 nightclub show as scheduled. Just hours after Kennedy's death, Bruce walked onstage, stood silently for several moments, then said sadly, "Poor Vaughn Meader." - XMASTIMEKim Jung-il's own Vaughn Meader is sad:
A Kim Jong-il impersonator says his love for the loony late dictator is real — and he actually misses his look-alike.
“I feel very empty, as if a part of me died,” Kim Young-sik told the Sydney Morning Herald. “People try to comfort me, saying some figures are more famous when they’re dead.
Since the 5-foot-2 Jong-il went six feet under, the Seoul resident has placed his four olive green suits and his five pairs of platform shoes under lockdown in his closet.
“It’s a shame I won’t be able to wear them anymore,” Young-sik told the Australian newspaper.
"This was an inspiring year for human dignity and freedom. Know hope."
As Sully points out, 2011 was a helluva transformative year.
November 22,1963
2) I just stumbled upon the fact that CS Lewis died on November 22, 1963. Seems like that would be a bad day to die. Here he is a pretty famous dude, and I'm sure with JFK dying that day you could find some press about Lewis' death hidden in the fucking JUMBLE the next day. - XMASTIMETurns out there was a book written about the coincidence of those two famous people dying on the same day along with Aldus Huxley, Between Heaven and Hell:
...a novel by Peter Kreeft about U.S. President John F. Kennedy, and authors C. S. Lewis and Aldous Huxley meeting in Purgatory and engaging in a philosophical discussion on faith. It was inspired by the odd coincidence that all three men died on the same day: November 22, 1963. We see from the three points of view: Kennedy's "humanist" or "modern Christian" view, Lewis's "conservative Christian" or "mere Christian" view, and Huxley's "Orientalized Christian" view. The book progresses as Lewis and Kennedy discuss Jesus' being God incarnate, to Lewis and Huxley discussing whether or not Jesus was a "deity" or "just a good person."That's cool, although even in the afterlife I don't wanna be competing with JFK for womens.
Even More Important Than Paul Westerberg, Happy Birfday to...
...KDAWGGY! Last year's Super Bowl MVP, the first person to point out I have perfectly shaped lips, mother of Count Jackula, and yet another reason to hate Watty. Grrr. Watty! (shaking fists at the sky.)
Here she is trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(
Will has just told Kdawggy what year he graduated high school.
Xmastime: So then I took Op's head, stuck it in the john and flushed!
Kdawggy: Hahahahah!! You're even sexier in the 1920s!!!!!
Xmastime: Lemme ask you something, baby - is my Old-Fashioned gonna walk here by itself?
Kdawggy: Hahahahah!! You're even sexier in the 1920s!!!!!
Xmastime: Lemme ask you something, baby - is my Old-Fashioned gonna walk here by itself?
Here she is trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(
Will has just told Kdawggy what year he graduated high school.
Happy Birfday
to Paul Westerberg...whose mother, according to the interview below, dated Ted Williams. Wait, what?
My Last Posts of Each of the Last 7 Years
Who knows what special treat I have for this year's final post? Sigh. I envy you, reader. Sigh (again.)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Things are Good, Part II
1) When young Muslim dudes are told about the 72 virgins in paradise that are waiting for them after they’ve committed suicide, doesn't it occur to them to wonder why EVERY guy hasn't done it? I would think I'd immediately ask the guy that told me about the wondrous heaven that awaits me "Well, why don't you do it, then?" "Nah", he probably says "You go on, get to heaven where there's 72 virgins and no line at the Shoney's buffet waiting for you...I'm cool here in the scorching desert, drinking my own urine waiting for US soldiers to come torture me."
2) Where'd they get the number 72 from? Does anyone know this? And really, is there anything worse than 72 VIRGINS??!? Oh, goody. 72 chicks to not want you to see them naked, to not talk dirty, and will bleed all over your silk Star Wars bedsheets. Great.
3) After you've done each of them once, they're no longer virgins - then what happens? Is that all you get? Therein, when you're deciding whether or not to be a suicide bomber, wouldn't it be a game of calculating whether or not you'd have sex 72 times in your life or not? Or do they become 72 "girlfriends"? I'd break them into little teams, have them do events to entertain me. "Heather? Yeah, she's on the Bears...volleyball champs, and they give great head..."
4) I've noticed that when you go to bars carrying a 15-lb country ham, all of a sudden girls walk right up and talk to you. Interesting.
5) A moment of silence for Jon Spencer, Leo McGarry from The West Wing. I only remember him in one other role, some ref in Forget Paris, but I have no problems imagining that Leo was the role of his lifetime. If he had shown up on CNN as the real Chief of Staff I wouldn't have batted an eye. Leo, we will miss you.
6) My friend and I are compiling a list of hot celebrities that have not slept with him. So far we have Alicia Silverstone, Denise Rich and Heather Thomas. Will keep you posted.
7) Where did the myth about sexy, slutty flight attendants begin? The stereotype is of gorgeous horny babes banging dudes at every layover. I don't fly a lot, but every time I do the attendant is usually, if not a flaming dude, some spinster who weighs in at 400lbs. She's out of breath while showing us what to do in case we crash, and constantly scraping my shoulder with her fat ass every time she squeezes by. What the fuck.
8) If Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie wanted to get into a fight over who gets to make me a pitcher of iced tea, I probably would not stop them.
9) Because my hands would be wrapped around my penis, flailing away.
10) And by "Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie", I mean "any women on earth"
11) Ladies: after you've received your change from the cashier, step aside and let the next person do his transaction. Don't stand there in front of the line carefully placing your fucking change in your purse and closing it all up nicely and neatly and then putting on your fucking gloves and scarf while we all stand there staring at you, including the cashier, you stupid fuck. Get your change, step aside to do your fucking banking, bitch!
12) In high school, I used to dream of standing at one end of the hallway between classes, and then barreling through everyone bowling-ball style.
13) Why does Coca-Cola spend $1 billion a year on advertising? Who on the planet is not aware of Coke? Take the one billion and do something useful. I'm stepping over homeless people with AIDS everyday, but at least I can't swing my dick around without hitting a Coke ad. Christ.
14) I have 11 days to learn the robot to fulfill my 2005 New Years Resolution. I might be in trouble.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
My 2007 Resolutions
1) Learn the robot. I mean it this time. Said I’d do it in 2005, didn’t get it done, got scared in 2006 and backed away from it. But guess what? By this time in 2007, I will be poppin n lockin.
2) Go on an actual date with a woman. And by this I don’t mean "show up at a bar, wait for a girl to get shitfaced enough to blow me in the bathroom while I scream about the new gotdammed internet jukeboxes, and lets me cum in her hair." Actually, scratch that….that would abe fucking awesome. Forget the date.
3) Track down the mf who invented pineapple and ham pizza, club him to death with a baby seal.
4) Have a baby seal sausages cookout.
5) Spread the word to every girl I know, see or meet that you know what, yeah, you DO look fat.
7) If I don’t start softening my stool soon, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.
9) Invent a toothpaste that tastes like pussy. But not great pussy; I don’t wanna spend all fucking day brushing my dick.
10) Learn Chinese. Seriously, those fuckers are up to something.
12) I’d like to walk into a room and receive a long, loud slow-clap from the crowd. Just once.
13) For having a humungous dick.
14) With Jessica Alba attached to it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Monday, December 31, 2007
My Haircut
While down home for Christmas last week I went into town and got my hair cut. Now, if I've had my hair cut 75 times in my life, prolly 72 of them were cut by a man. No funny business, buzz buzz buzz on and off the chair in ten minutes. Tho when I was a kid the wait would be about 3 hours - on Saturday morning my dad would drop my brother and I off at Jimmy the Barber's for our haircuts, loudly proclaiming to Jimmy each time "Jimmy, I want them to have BOY haircuts." I don't know what he was scared of; I never once heard of Jimmy pissing off a father in town by giving a kid a beehive or something. Not once did I hear Jimmy look at a young buck and say "I'm gonna cut your hair like Strawberry Shortcake!" Then my brother and I would sit amongst the dozen or so 50 year old farmers in there, reading Reader's Digest while the old codgers shot the shit about tractors and crops and other shit we had no idea what they were talking about. After about three hours of waiting you'd get waved over to the chair by Jimmy (until I went to college I thought his last name was in fact "Thebarber") who would chop it all off in about 17 seconds, all while getting in what was a clinic on small talk "how you boys been playing ball this year how the team lookin saw your daddy rollin over battery the other day yeah he's a good ol boy which one are you, part or no part whatchu say whatchu say bout it boy" BAM! taking off the shower curtain wrapped round your neck, you're outta the chair. I'd wonder what went on over at some girl named Robin's shop, where all my rich friends got their hair cut. Sorry, styled. I'd picture over at Robin's there's a real-life Pizza Hut buffet set up while girls in pajamas would come over and dance along to J. Geil's "Centerfold", wildly applauding each snip of the scissors and spreading all the 5th grade gossip while dancing the watusi and eating baby egg rolls. Meanwhile I'm sitting for three hours listening to Field & Stream come to life during mudbogging season, each old cuss more ornery than the last re: what pussies the military has become, unlike when they were fighting the Japs outfitted with only some shoestring and the knowledge of the difference between right (us/jesus) and wrong (them/slant-eyed jesus.)
My developmental haircut experiences having been so testosterone-heavy, I followed suit everywhere I moved to afterwards, seeking out the most old-school mf I could find. Culminating with my guy in Brooklyn now - been there since 1960 and is prolly the last standing barrier between myself and my paying double digits for a haircut (shudder to think.) Also, a side note: during my haircut career as a kid, Jimmy the Barber got married maybe 76 times. I'm not even kidding, every other fucking time you'd try to go by his shop there'd be a sign on the door "GONE ON HONEYMOON, BACK NEXT WEEK." And what do you know, the next time you'd be there during lunchtime some new woman would breeze in with a bag lunch for him, give him a big sloppy kiss on the lips and leave him beaming. Man. Cap. Doffed.
Anyways, so I found myself going into town and into the Hair Cuttery or whatever the fuck it is, and next thing you know I'm having my scalp rubbed by some woman. Alright I think, no big deal. I tell her what I want and she's relieved cause it bascially let's her turn her brain off for ten minutes while plowing my cephalic fields. So she gets done quick, I'm almost out of the chair, when she turns to me and asks me something I've never heard anyone ask me before:
"Trim the eyebrows?"
Whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt???!!!!!! I clenched up as if I had dropped the soap in Clay Aiken Shower Camp - trim eyebrows? What the fuck? Now, no one's more of a pussy liberal bleeding heart pansy than me, but trimming my eyebrows, I'm sorry, I'm not fucking ready to go there just yet. She might as well have asked me to run through town screaming "I love my dead gay son!!!" Plus, I didn't know how much extra that would cost - I was already pissed my 6 minute haircut was costing me $12, for all I know trimming eyebrows is another, oh, $34 or some such. What the fuck. So I quickly demured and got out of the chair, paid for my haircut and left. And yes, like clockwork I've spent the last 121 hours obsessing "do my eyebrows NEED trimming? whats wrong with my eyebrows? did I completely miss the boat on the eyebrow thing? I got an eyebrow problem?..." thanks Hair Cuttery girl. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
"...alright alright, let's see, let's see....whoa! Larry, I gotta tell ya, your eyebrows...she did a great job! Fucking awesome, bro!"
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Blago
The life expectancy for an African American male is 70 years. And that's if he's born TODAY. So I'm wondering why Blago has chosen to appoint a 71 year-old black man who ALREADY HAS HIS GRAVE ALL SET TO MOVE INTO to succeed Obama. Anybody else see this as odd? Is this some tactic he thinks will get him off the hook - going ahead and choosing Obama's successor before he gets the boot is like in the NFL when a team hurriedly tries to get off another play so the previous one can't be reviewed, so public interest in getting rid of him wanes and eventually disappears? And banking that the odds are high that Burris will die soon, therein letting Blaggo pick who he REALLYcan get to pony up big bucks for itwants, that time unobstructed and under the radar? Hmm.
Of course, that's all wild conjecture. But stranger things have been thought of. No?
"For the last fucking time - no, I did NOT write Cujo!!!"
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Artist of the Decade
I know as a huge fan of his I am biased, but I cannot list anybody above Bruce Springsteen for "Artist of the Decade," but by virtue of the quality of his work and his sheer omnipresence. Since turning 50 ten years ago, he has released THE 9/11 album (The Rising), an acoustic-y shuffling album that lent itself to playing things such as accordions and pump organs along with having THE Iraq War song (Devils & Dust), an album of dust bowl covers that saw him on the road with about 400 other players and looked and felt like a carnival in 1932 (The Seeger Sessions), and the best Big Star/Beach Boys album in 30+ years (Magic.) The only "meh" album being his last one, Working on a Dream; all the others are stunning not only in their quality, but their diversity in taste/sound/concept.
And along the way he played about 2000 shows, stumped tirelessly for Kerry and Obama, played at the most historical inaugaration in 200 years, and you seemingly couldn't enter the rock hall of fame without Bruce giving the speech for you. And he won 913 Grammys. Whatever that means. AND while having a songbook that goes back 35+ years, he has released two songs this decade that are in my Bruce Hall of Fame (The Rising, Girls in their Summer Clothes.) Which I see as pretty amazing.
And I won't even mention when me & Op met him, cause that's just not the kind of shit I talk about. That's private, I just don't do that kinda thing.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Checking In: 2007 New Year's Resolutions
Which of THESE did I actually do?
I'd say:
1) HELL yes!
2) No. In my defense, I think I did masturbate while watching Erin Brockovich. Although to be honest I think I'm probably lying, trying to impress you with my bullshit.
3) No.
4) No.
5) Who am I to say? Probably not. I'm not that nice, to be honest.
6) I'm sure, despite my not remotely being in their universe, someone made such a steaming pile as I describe. Or a few.
7) Nope. Fuck you, aging!
8) No. Have softened my stance on what "kissing" is anyways, would prolly just go easy on Grandma now anyways.
9) Regretfully, no. But I'm sexy, not dead. There's still time.
10) No. But they are.
11) Even I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about here. How deep in the heady buzz of sweet, sweet stank WAS I back in those days?
12) Obviously not. Not even close. So.
13) No.
14) No.
15) Oddly enough, yes. Hard to explain.
16) No. I'd be rich by now, and would I really be sitting around talking to you losers?
17) No. I'd be sexually sated by now, and would I really be sitting around jerking off to you losers?
Friday, December 30, 2011
Death.
Moi ici:
But right now I just thought of something. I thought of someone like John Wooden. The absurd heights of success he reached, so high they will not be duplicated (or even close.) All while receiving praise worthy only of a saint. His life is one that will live forever. But then I ask myself...would he trade it all away in a heartbeat to be 36 years old again?Of course he fucking would; as evidenced by the insane, out of touch Andy Rooney here:
Wouldn't he?
In a 1994 segment, Rooney attracted controversy with his remarks on Kurt Cobain's suicide. "What's all this nonsense about how terrible life is?" he asked, adding rhetorically to a young woman who had wept at the suicide, "I'd love to relive the pain you're going through by switching my age for yours."Amen. It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive.
2011 Memories: June
Xmastime TV Axiom
If a reality show is based on a husband and wife, at some point the husband will decide he wants to renew their wedding vows.
Percentage of Americans who renew their wedding vows: 3%
Percentage of that 3% that is made up of couples on tv reality shows: 95%
2011 Memories: June
Suspicious Minds
Walking up to my building a few minutes ago, I caught my regular Kam Sing delivery guy at the door, holding a bag of food and obviously waiting for someone else in the building to come down for it. We caught each other's eye. I wonder if he felt as awkward as I did. I simply nodded hello, but I wanted to grab the bag and look for the name and phone number while screaming "Who is he??!?!? WHO THE FUCK IS HE?!?!?!?!!?!
2011 Memories: June
Milestones. I Have Them.
Today will always be remembered as "the day I brazenly walked into the office shitter with a book."
2011 Memories: June
Dudes Suck.
One thing I love is when guys try to impress chicks by saying that if it wasn't for the curveball, they'd have been Major League Baseball players. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Yes, I'm SURE it was only the curveball that stopped you. Surely you could hit a 95mph fastball with movement, mixed in with an 81mph change-up that falls off a table. Of course. Oh, and surely you were born with a freak arm that allows you to casually toss a ball 100 feet, smacking someone else's glove with that unique sound that echoes throughout an empty ballpark. Of course. And I'm not even going to bring up the thousands of hours spent in the cage instead of trying to explain why Hunky Dory is better than Ziggy Stardust, or having an encyclopedic knowledge of everything every pitcher has every thrown you. Yes, of course, it was only that dastardly curveball that kept you from the majors. Hmm.
2011 Memories: May
(See awesome Big Bang Theory fart from earlier today)
Today's Goal
Look a woman in the eye and, keeping a straight face, say "Here's my fart...please don't break it" while easing one out. Ha!
2011 Memories: May
My Greatest Achievement?
For one shining moment, I got a man who studied at Oxford University and Harvard to write "Sniffy" in referencing an ex-governor and vice-presidential candidate in the online version of a 150+ year-old magazine that first published such works as The Battle Hymn of the Republic and Letter from Birmingham Jail, among many others. Did I peak at1538?
Mixed Up
Then I'd go home and start drinking gin & tonics while spending hours crafting mix tapes for friends of mine from back home. I'd finish the tape and then play it from start to finish, all while closing my eyes and imagining I was that person who had received the tape and was listening to the songs for the first time in an order that, somehow, meant something to me. I probably made 50 of these tapes, of which 2 I actually mailed. And then I'd spend hours writing extensive liner notes for each song. And each tape more than likely included We All Love Peanut Butter by the One Way Streets, Sweet Cherry Wine by Tommy James and the Shondells, Knock Me Down by the Outlets and Walking in the Rain by the Ronettes, as those were my mix tape slices du jour for that time period. - XMASTIMETHIS GIRL HERE critiques an old mix tape from her high school boyfriend and is generous enough to give it an F- in spite of it being filled with every 16 year-old girl's favorite band, RUSH. Wtf? And can a collection of only seven songs of which six are by the same band even be considered a "mix tape"? Could he have put even less thought into by simply giving her a copy of the Footloose soundtrack (that was back when a soundtrack was a soundtrack, young buck!) and calling it a "mix tape"?
THIS is how you make a fucking mix tape for your lady!!!!
I do like how at the end of 90 minutes of Canadian prog-rock by old men, dude has the balls to end with Sexual Healing. "Gee baby, if these laser noises and lyrics about spaceships haven't tipped you over the horny edge yet, here's that final push you need." Ha!
Farts.
While no matter how I old I get farts are still funny, I'm always skeptical they can work on tv/in the movies thanks to their low-browedness etc, but this scene of Sheldon offscreen is fucking killing me. Fucking dying.
On a side note, "sheldon farting, big bang theory" has now joined the pantheon re: Google searches I'm not particularly proud of.
On a side note, "sheldon farting, big bang theory" has now joined the pantheon re: Google searches I'm not particularly proud of.
2011 Memories: April
Sigh...The Royal Wedding really was my shinning moment of 2011....scroll thru here to be reminded of how awesome I used to be. Sigh.
During His Reading, the Bride's Brother Mentions His Album Drops Next Tuesday on iTunes?
XMASTIME: A Reflection.
I probably had less human contact in 2010 than any year of my life. Which is totally depressing, and something I'll look to change in 2011. -XMASTIMEI don't know if I actually improved in this area but I know for sure I tried; don't worry - in 2012, I plan on being all up in everyone's grill! ;)
Plans I Make
I'm kinda putting together my "shit I need to do to make myself amazing in 2012" list, and it's mundane shit like "no red meat" and "walk three miles a day" blah blah blah. I should drop something in there like "have a baby", or "convert to Judaism." Ha!
2011 Memories: March
Strummer
When I was in college I had a basset hound named Joe Strummer. He liked to do the same two things I did: sit on the couch watching tv, and list to the left while walking. One time when he was a puppy, he took a dump so vicious it woke me up from a dead sleep.
Another time I got a phone call from a friend excitedly telling me "turn on the radio!" and found myself listening to the receptionist from the hospital, who was talking about a basset hound who had walked into the hospital lobby, become transfixed by the elevator, and spent the next 15 minutes riding up and down, to the delight of all who watched. even at a young, dumb age I thought "is a hospital really the place for a dog to be walking around?" sure enough it was Strummer, who had gotten loose.
Then one weekend I was dumb enough to leave him under the care of my dipshit roommate while I was away, and he ran away. I never saw him again; almost 18 years later, whenever I see a basset hound I throw it a Jedi-mind trick, and mutter "Strummer, it's me!" under my breath, wondering if it's him and I've found him again.
2011 Memories: January
Tyranny Coming!
Earlier today I mentioned Tim Pawlenty's taking up of the latest tool in the GOP tool belt, the ol' "Tyranny is coming! You are warned!", which I've been doing for several weeks now.
This makes me think of Marley's "storm coming" riff, so I thought I'dcome up with any excuse to listen to it againtie the two together and re-post it. You're welcome! :)
January
As I did last year, I'm taking a break from the booze next month. Will be interesting to see if I can break last year's record of 14 days in a row before the inevitable total boredom sets in; I haven't exactly ensconces myself into a life wherein I have people who are perfectly fine with my coming over to watch tv and scratch my balls for hours. Last January's 26-5 was impressive tho, although I pray I'm not fucking hounded by the gout all month again. Grrr.
State du Moi
I feel like I haven't done any of my usual best-of lists for the year, or patting myself on the back for some of my greatest moments. Obviously, that will be corrected before the year is out ;)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
1,2,3, Fo!
For the second straight year THIS GUY played every Beatles song in chronological order. So. It looks like this.
Not the worst set in the world.
Not the worst set in the world.
Flick
Remember me being worried about this?
It's already June and we haven't seen the release of this year's version of "white teacher comes to black school, is met with indifference and anger, refuses to give up on 'my kids, dammit!' and ends up inspiring them to heights they didn't know existed," which means maybe there's room in the market for my own spin on the genre.Apparently Adrien Brody was so worried he's looking to break the record for are-you-shitting-me? earnestness. Ugh.
There Will Never Be Anything Hotter
Than Tracey Ullman dancing while pregnant and then fuck it, ending up with Paul anyway :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Chimes of Freedom
Starry-eyed and laughing as I recall when we were caughtI get miffed if the hot water takes too long to kick in to my shower; meanwhile, I have done exactly nothing to fucking deserve a warm shower. This shit really is a crapshoot. It's embarrassing.
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time and we watched with one last look
Spellbound and swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse
And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
We gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Click.
As this is prolly gonna be a week of me mindlessly quoting myself, I must say I still agree with this:
About ten years ago I read a poem – I can’t remember the poem, or who wrote it. But I remember the author saying something about waiting for one picture to come, one photo that was going to bring his life into focus and make all the difference. Somehow I’ve remembered that and it’s gnawed at me. I’ve always teetered between that sentiment and the feeling that I’m setting myself up for even more disaster. But I can't help but feel it right now, that there’s one single thing that’s going to come into my life and give it air, give it purpose. Just one fucking thing. One moment. That’s what I'm doing, waiting for that one thing in my life that will make all the difference.Maybe it's you.
Man Men (pt II)
At the end of tonite's episode, Telstar came on as we see Don on a plane to LA. A super, SUPER all-time slice by the TRULY one and only Joe Meek. Whenever I hear this I go back to being a kid, laying out in the backyard and looking at the stars; anytime something up there would move I'd play this song in my head, wondering what it was that was moving so far, far away in the darkness. That's what sucks about living in the city, where the only stars you can see are on the ground. This song, even without words, has an amazingly instant poignancy about it that kills me every time. Absolutely a funeral slice; prolly my favorite instrumental of all time.
ps - while Telstar didn't make my top 50 of all time (tho should've, now that I'm thinking of it), another Joe Meek production, Have I the Right? did. With a bullet. Chick drummer!
ps - while Telstar didn't make my top 50 of all time (tho should've, now that I'm thinking of it), another Joe Meek production, Have I the Right? did. With a bullet. Chick drummer!
Fitty Fitty Spotify
Now that I'm the King of Spotify people couldn't fucking care less are clamoring at me to repost my All-Time Top 50 Slices via GodIHateYourBlogThatLastsMoreThan20Posts, so here ya go.
Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
Like everyone else, I’m sure I took this song for granted for years. But then you get older, and you realize that even though it’s by someone as old as your parents, it’s the best “fuck you” song there is. But the kicker came only about a decade ago, on the Greyhound bus listening on my $14 Port Authority walkman, guaranteed to explode as soon as your “great!” trip was over. I locked in and for the first time I could hear that the song actually speeds up as it rolls on; I’ve still never heard such excitement building in such seasoned musicians as verses and choruses peeled off, you can hear them looking at each other, thrilled to be playing on this. The greatest of all cuts.
River Deep, Mountain High - Ike & Tina Turner
The Wall of Sound meets the single greatest singing performance of all time. Camon.
Can’t Hardly Wait (Tim version) – The Replacements
Rocking, rollicking, heartbreaking, will never understand why they later went with the wimpier version for it’s official release. Supposedly it was cause the song’s about suicide; am I the only one to have since figured out that they pussified the lyrics to stick on a later album which featured a song (“The Ledge”) about…suicide. Christ. And if this had made Tim, there would be no doubts possible about what the single greatest album of all time was.
Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
whatever dude said about cadillacs and melted down Crystals ’ records, I second. Only thing I can say about this that ain’t been said a hundred times is I’m always flabbergasted no one since has ever tried to replicate that combo of words + Spector. Ah well.
It’s the Same Old Song – The Four Tops
Of course you could pick a million Motown slices, but this has always been my super schliiiice. Can still remember as a young buck, maybe 7ish, going out to play catch with my brother. I had to quickly run back into the house to get something, and as I was reaching for whatever it was this came on and I was stunned. That fat rollicking riff, still got a hold on me. Can remember what I was wearing, my brother was wearing (a dress? Hiyooo!) and where I was (bedroom, in front of window looking out on backyard.) Desert island slice.
I Wanna Hold Your Hand – The Beatles
the single greatest 2 minutes of pure excitement there is. Sound and movement so great it covers up that the words are kinda dumb and repeat three times. Nothing’s better than being at a bar when this comes on, it JUMPS out of the speakers and whether they even know it or not everyone’s dancing in their own way to it as they drink/talk/hit on me.
Do You Remember Rock n Roll Radio? – The Ramones
the greatest band at their best. Another one of those “how was this not the biggest song in the world?” songs. Combines everything great about rock n roll: amazing bass, thrilling horns and words that reflect the past while asking for more from today and tomorrow. Perfection at it’s best.
Anarchy in the UK –Sex Pistols
wore this whole album out like a mf in my ’78 Ford Fiesta back in the day. In the business we call this slice a “slow burn.”
In the Midnight Hour – Wilson Pickett
one of those songs, like Jackie Wilson’s “Higher and Higher”, that I completely forget about but then it comes on the radio and I’m blown away EVERY SINGLE TIME. Dirty, hypnotizing, and should only be heard after midnight in pitch blackness.
You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling – Righteous Brothers
Higher & Higher – Jackie Wilson
Sweet Little Sixteen – Chuck Berry
Sugar Sugar – The Archies
There She Goes My Beautiful World – Nick Cave
Then He Kissed Me – Crystals
Radio Free Europe - REM
Bonzo Goes to Bitburg – The Ramones
Left in the Dark – The Vertebrats
Many Rivers to Cross – Jimmy Cliff
Complete Control – The Clash
Baby Come Back – The Equals
To Love Somebody – Bee Gees
Why Don’t You Love Me – Hank Williams
Little Red Corvette – Prince
Days – The Kinks
Faraway You - Marah
That Girl Belongs to Yesterday – Gene Pitney
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
Love of the Common People – Nicky Thomas
This is England – The Clash
Bring it on Home to Me - Sam Cooke
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
Roadrunner - The Modern Lovers
Peggy Sue - Buddy Holly
Turn on the News - Husker Du
I’m Walkin - Fats Domino
Sometime to Return - Soul Asylum
Land of Hope and Dreams – Bruce Springsteen
Fortunate Son - Credence Clearwater Revival
Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
Disappeared – Tandy
Don’t Let Me Down – DT and the Shakes
Have I The Right? – The Honeycombs
Always on My Mind – Willie Nelson
Him or Me - Paul Revere and the Raiders
Whole Wide World – Wreckless Eric
Black Velvet Elvis – Carnival Season
Summer Babe - Pavement
Side of the Road - Lucinda Williams
It’s Only Make Believe - Conway Twitty You'rerwelcome, Earth.
Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
Like everyone else, I’m sure I took this song for granted for years. But then you get older, and you realize that even though it’s by someone as old as your parents, it’s the best “fuck you” song there is. But the kicker came only about a decade ago, on the Greyhound bus listening on my $14 Port Authority walkman, guaranteed to explode as soon as your “great!” trip was over. I locked in and for the first time I could hear that the song actually speeds up as it rolls on; I’ve still never heard such excitement building in such seasoned musicians as verses and choruses peeled off, you can hear them looking at each other, thrilled to be playing on this. The greatest of all cuts.
River Deep, Mountain High - Ike & Tina Turner
The Wall of Sound meets the single greatest singing performance of all time. Camon.
Can’t Hardly Wait (Tim version) – The Replacements
Rocking, rollicking, heartbreaking, will never understand why they later went with the wimpier version for it’s official release. Supposedly it was cause the song’s about suicide; am I the only one to have since figured out that they pussified the lyrics to stick on a later album which featured a song (“The Ledge”) about…suicide. Christ. And if this had made Tim, there would be no doubts possible about what the single greatest album of all time was.
Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
whatever dude said about cadillacs and melted down Crystals ’ records, I second. Only thing I can say about this that ain’t been said a hundred times is I’m always flabbergasted no one since has ever tried to replicate that combo of words + Spector. Ah well.
It’s the Same Old Song – The Four Tops
Of course you could pick a million Motown slices, but this has always been my super schliiiice. Can still remember as a young buck, maybe 7ish, going out to play catch with my brother. I had to quickly run back into the house to get something, and as I was reaching for whatever it was this came on and I was stunned. That fat rollicking riff, still got a hold on me. Can remember what I was wearing, my brother was wearing (a dress? Hiyooo!) and where I was (bedroom, in front of window looking out on backyard.) Desert island slice.
I Wanna Hold Your Hand – The Beatles
the single greatest 2 minutes of pure excitement there is. Sound and movement so great it covers up that the words are kinda dumb and repeat three times. Nothing’s better than being at a bar when this comes on, it JUMPS out of the speakers and whether they even know it or not everyone’s dancing in their own way to it as they drink/talk/hit on me.
Do You Remember Rock n Roll Radio? – The Ramones
the greatest band at their best. Another one of those “how was this not the biggest song in the world?” songs. Combines everything great about rock n roll: amazing bass, thrilling horns and words that reflect the past while asking for more from today and tomorrow. Perfection at it’s best.
Anarchy in the UK –Sex Pistols
wore this whole album out like a mf in my ’78 Ford Fiesta back in the day. In the business we call this slice a “slow burn.”
In the Midnight Hour – Wilson Pickett
one of those songs, like Jackie Wilson’s “Higher and Higher”, that I completely forget about but then it comes on the radio and I’m blown away EVERY SINGLE TIME. Dirty, hypnotizing, and should only be heard after midnight in pitch blackness.
You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling – Righteous Brothers
Higher & Higher – Jackie Wilson
Sweet Little Sixteen – Chuck Berry
Sugar Sugar – The Archies
There She Goes My Beautiful World – Nick Cave
Then He Kissed Me – Crystals
Radio Free Europe - REM
Bonzo Goes to Bitburg – The Ramones
Left in the Dark – The Vertebrats
Many Rivers to Cross – Jimmy Cliff
Complete Control – The Clash
Baby Come Back – The Equals
To Love Somebody – Bee Gees
Why Don’t You Love Me – Hank Williams
Little Red Corvette – Prince
Days – The Kinks
Faraway You - Marah
That Girl Belongs to Yesterday – Gene Pitney
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
Love of the Common People – Nicky Thomas
This is England – The Clash
Bring it on Home to Me - Sam Cooke
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
Roadrunner - The Modern Lovers
Peggy Sue - Buddy Holly
Turn on the News - Husker Du
I’m Walkin - Fats Domino
Sometime to Return - Soul Asylum
Land of Hope and Dreams – Bruce Springsteen
Fortunate Son - Credence Clearwater Revival
Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
Disappeared – Tandy
Don’t Let Me Down – DT and the Shakes
Have I The Right? – The Honeycombs
Always on My Mind – Willie Nelson
Him or Me - Paul Revere and the Raiders
Whole Wide World – Wreckless Eric
Black Velvet Elvis – Carnival Season
Summer Babe - Pavement
Side of the Road - Lucinda Williams
It’s Only Make Believe - Conway Twitty You'rerwelcome, Earth.
Life. It's Happening.
Just put together my first Spotify playlist. Does that make me better than you? That's for history to decide, not moi.
And my dad never thought I'd amount to anything. Fuck YEEEEEW, Pops!!!!!!!!!!
And my dad never thought I'd amount to anything. Fuck YEEEEEW, Pops!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck Iowa
I really don't see why we then hafta continue our every-fourth-year dance of cartwheels while squealing how "real America!!" Iowa is as we try to pretend how important! and awesome! we think Iowans are, or why it should remain such a disproportionately important step towards choosing our next president. - XMASTIMEMeanwhile, it looks like the rest of the world is finally catching up to Xmastime and realizing that this traditional ass-kissing to Iowa is stupid:
And, indeed, a major culprit in making Iowa so important is the media itself. I think that many in the media (and, indeed, the public in general) are so smitten with the myth of Iowa’s significance that once they start to realize its deficiencies, they assume that something must have changed over the last three decades plus, but no: giving Iowa the status it currently has was a mistake from the beginning.I've never understood why this is - if nothing else, why don't we rotate states every four years? We claim we don't want anyone or thing too much power, and then we give Iowa this unique place of power every four years. I'm always reminded of a girl I know who naively asked why they showed every NFL game at the same time; why not spread it out over the week so everyone was sure to be able to watch their team? Ha!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Goals. I Have Them.
Tonight, for the first time ever, I used the term "beer o'clock" in a timely and funny matter. For once, I didn't think of it hours later with regret weighing heavy at a blown opportunity. The chance presented itself to me, and I knocked it outta the park.The next time I have a beer with someone I'm gonna toast them with "Beer's to ya!"
And my dad never thought I'd amount to anything. Fuck YEEEEEW, Pops!!!!!!!!!! - XMASTIME
Fah-Rah-Rah-Rah-Rah
Questions. I Have Them.
What's the tactful way of telling someone you haven't seen since you were in third grade that, via Facebook, you're pleased to see his mother is still smoking hot?
The Office Just Got a Little Sexier
Lines uttered in conversation between two women behind me
"Is your hole open?"
"You gotta feel for your hole."
"Yeah, its really hard."
"You gotta play around with it."
"Just try to shove it in."
"Try it facing downwards."
"Flip over, try it now."
"Is your hole open?"
"You gotta feel for your hole."
"Yeah, its really hard."
"You gotta play around with it."
"Just try to shove it in."
"Try it facing downwards."
"Flip over, try it now."
Fuck You, Virginia!
Newt Gingrich can't be on the ballot in his state of residence, Virginia, because nobody bothered to collect the required 10K signatures. To recap, via DR:
On a side note, it appears Rick Perry DID try to get the signatures but fell short of the 10K, giving me hope that my home state is smarter than it sometime wants us to think.
Serial adulterer and self-proclaimed smartest blow job aficionado in the room Newt Gingrich didn't know how to file to run for Virginia's Goat Rodeo. Then Newticles compared his failure to the attack on Pearl Harbor. Then Newticles declared that his campaign will hold the mother of all write-in campaigns. Then Newticles learned that write-in campaigns are against the law in Virginia.Look, this is bullshit - Newt Gingrich is a BIG THINKER - he doesn't have time to go around making sure people are collecting fucking signatures!!! Newt's about BIG IDEAS and then using hyperbole to explain to those with smaller brains than him (ie, everybody) why his big idea is amazing. Sometimes it takes several attempts to get people to grasp why any one of his ideas is so amazing, which takes time. Anybody can DO stuff; look at me: I'm typing! I'm typing this, now I'm typing this, look. I am still typing! Since I've been pecking away Newt's probably come up with three BIG IDEAS that can save humanity, so excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse the fuck outta him for not going from door to door begging for signatures like Girl Scouts selling cookies. A collective "Newt, we're sorry" is the next thing I wanna hear out of Virginia. And the shit better be sincere too. Maybe accompanied with a big chocolate pie.
On a side note, it appears Rick Perry DID try to get the signatures but fell short of the 10K, giving me hope that my home state is smarter than it sometime wants us to think.
Swipe for Charity
I don't even wanna know how many times I've tossed my Metrocard when it had an annoying number of change on it like 10 or 15 cents, so I think this is a great fucking idea:
Can it?
MetroChange is a proposal for a kiosk that will allow MTA riders to donate the pesky leftover funds on their Metrocards to charity. NYU students Stephan Boltalin, Genevieve Hoffman, and Paul May have imagined a friendly, easy-to-use machine that invites New Yorkers to swipe their Metrocards, press a button, donate their chump change MTA credits, and feel the love of their own big hearts."But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “That idea isn't nearly as brave, generous and sexy as your own charitable pay it forward idea!!" Look, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, that's not for me to say - the point it, someone besides me is trying to make the world a slightly better place, so let's at least let them give it a shot. It can't ALL be about me.
Can it?
Gee Dub
Wrong Way on a One-way Track
Mentalfloss has a list of the 25 Most Powerful Songs of the Past 25 Years. Some for good reasons, some for not-so-great-reasons, like Soul Asylum's Runaway Train:
Few people pay attention to public service announcements, but back in 1992, lots of people watched music videos on MTV. So on paper, it seemed like a great idea to combine the two. For Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train,” director Tony Kaye made a video featuring missing children, hoping to find them. And it worked; the video located so many runaways that Kaye made six versions—three for the United States and one each for the United Kingdom, Australia, and Germany.As an interesting side note, soon after this album was released I began dating the girl who found herself in the #1 slot (heh heh heh) on THIS LIST. So, I guess you're just gonna know what 'll happen when it comes to music, do ya?
The problem was, when missing children turn up, the results aren’t always pretty. Some were found dead. Several others were forced to return home to horrible situations. In 2006, Soul Asylum guitarist Dan Murphy reflected on the consequences: “There’s a reason that young kids run away, mostly because of abuse,“ he told the Pasadena Weekly. “There were some happy results from [the video], but you have to resolve the situation that caused an 11- or 13-year-old to think the harsh world is better than their home.”
Weddingz
Another thing that needs to change about weddings is the rehearsals. How worthless are these things? Like car alarms, or women, right? It's basically 30 minutes of laughing followed immediately by "does anybody know what the hell we're supposed to do?" In other words, exactly like sex.Three years ago today Ryan, illWill and I went to McDonalds, 7-11 (scratch tix, natch) and the liquor store and then Ryan got married, after which I gave what is historically credited as the single greatest best man speech ever, including somehow insulting an ex-girlfriend such that she stomped out of the room. Ah, memories!
But what's funny is that for such a pomp-and-circumstance occasion, the people that run things never seem to give a shit. You're led to believe that if you make a misstep you'll completely ruin two peoples' (at least) lives, yet after running you through things, the coordinator always just shrugs "don't worry about it, you'll figure it out." I guess I don't like the wishy washiness - either fucking drill us like we're the Arlington Color Guard, or just tell us to show up and do whatever the fuck we want. For fuck's sake, there's more order and decisiveness in ordering a cheesesteak from Pat's than a wedding. - XMASTIME
The recap:
Number of hours from start of wedding til my best man toast (ie could start drinking): 7
Number of times before speech I was advised to "say something nice about the bride" and "don't work blue"; as if it was assumed I'd recite my thesis on "Why Do Squirrels Fist?" before drop-kicking the mic into the bride's throat: 2,188
Number of big laughs from crowd during speech: 8
Number of big "awwwwwwwww"s from crowd during speech: 2
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced: 1
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced who was present: 1
Number of Bridesmaids I'd marry today if they'd have me: 3
Number of Bridesmaids I'll prolly ever speak to again: 0
Number of times I pretended to have a gout flare-up to get out of dancing: 4
Number of times I remarked "boy, this place, looks like we're on the Titanic": 6
Number of times I followed up with "I'm the king of the world": 2
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet and, upon getting nowhere with this, added that she also looked like Kim Kardashian: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Percentage of speech during which I debated whether or not to pretend to get choked up, melting the ladies' hearts throughout the room and greasing the skids for some post-reception "tenderness": 100
Number of times I choked up: 0
Post-reception tenderness: 0
GIVE MONEY, NOT PRAYERS: It's FEED The World, Not PRAY FOR The World
One of the reasons Do They Know It's Christmas is, to me at least, the most "Christian" of Christmas songs is that it's message is very simple: GIVE MONEY TO POOR PEOPLE.
Period.
It's not a collection of vagueness about how great Jesus was, it's not some "gee, if we pray God will save them" nonsense; it's the greatest message there is - if you have a lot of money, you should give some it to those who need it more than you do. Your prayers are not going to feed some kid in a desert with a vulture circling; money will. Patting ourselves on the back re: how "Christian" we are is fun and makes us feel better, but unless you're actively giving money to poor people, you're not really helping. It's not about being "nice," it's not about being "Christian", it's about GIVING MONEY TO POOR PEOPLE.
And that's yet another reason why I love the song - it doesn't offer salvation, it doesn't promise you'll feel better - it says what we all wanna say: "hey, thank fucking god it's them instead of me." And in the meantime, send fucking cash. I like that. We were born lucky. Most people aren't.
Period.
It's not a collection of vagueness about how great Jesus was, it's not some "gee, if we pray God will save them" nonsense; it's the greatest message there is - if you have a lot of money, you should give some it to those who need it more than you do. Your prayers are not going to feed some kid in a desert with a vulture circling; money will. Patting ourselves on the back re: how "Christian" we are is fun and makes us feel better, but unless you're actively giving money to poor people, you're not really helping. It's not about being "nice," it's not about being "Christian", it's about GIVING MONEY TO POOR PEOPLE.
And that's yet another reason why I love the song - it doesn't offer salvation, it doesn't promise you'll feel better - it says what we all wanna say: "hey, thank fucking god it's them instead of me." And in the meantime, send fucking cash. I like that. We were born lucky. Most people aren't.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Spies Like Us
I went to the International Spy Museum with Paddy Mac and made a Spies Like Us joke; Paddy Mac, to his credit, didn't get it (or, even more to his credit, didn't acknowledge getting it.) So.
I Am Freaking Out, People!
As you know, back in 1995 this farm boy came up to NYC to record maybe the greatest ep of all time Take My Teenage Head, which featured a snappy little number called jennie fennell. (with The Ramones HERE - I don't think I even noticed before that Johnny's Mosrite is in it, which makes it even cooler.)
Meanwhile, just two days ago I mentioned Hunter's Head Inn, which is a Brothatime!! Xmas tradition.
AND JUST NOW,,,
...guess who blew up Hunter's Head Tavern on her Facebook?
That's correct...
...jennie fennell!!!!!
Mind blown?
World's colliding. For fucks sake - maybe the universe really IS coming together to make me the center of it 2012. Bout fucking time.
Meanwhile, just two days ago I mentioned Hunter's Head Inn, which is a Brothatime!! Xmas tradition.
AND JUST NOW,,,
...guess who blew up Hunter's Head Tavern on her Facebook?
That's correct...
...jennie fennell!!!!!
Mind blown?
World's colliding. For fucks sake - maybe the universe really IS coming together to make me the center of it 2012. Bout fucking time.
Matthew Mcconaughey
Is engaged, meaning me & Clooney are the only pretty boys left; once I get that old fucker outta the way ALL the hot tail will be mine, all mine!!!!!!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Hunter's Head, Middleburg
This is where George Washington invented the beer goggle; "Do you know who I am? I'm GW, dammit!"
Friday, December 23, 2011
State du Jour
No matter how many large checks you will see in your lifetime, none of them will ever even remotely compare to the thrill of stumbling upon $17 in a pair of shorts you didn't even realize you still had. Nice!
Of Course.
About 50 empty seats in our car alone and the old woman just fucking has to sit next to me. Of course.
UPDATE 9:41am - Ha! Gave the old lady the slip, moved seats. Thanks fat girl who got off in Philly - have a Pat's on me!
UPDATE 9:41am - Ha! Gave the old lady the slip, moved seats. Thanks fat girl who got off in Philly - have a Pat's on me!
Amtrak
I am taking a break from my usual Fung Wah bus and luxuriating in a train ride to DC. On one hand I am slightly disorientated and intimidated by being closed in with so many white people eagerly reading the Wall Street Journal; on the other hand they just made an announcement asking that we please not put our tickets in our mouths, so I'm a little more relaxed now.
Holidays
Are fucking hell on a diet. :( I have regressed since Thanksgiving. Will hafta kick it into super-high gear on Monday.
So. This Happened.
Ran into THIS GIRL last night.
August: got the best blowjob of my life cause RRTHUR left me alone, wasted, at the Halloween Bar with a "young lady" pouring beer down my throat with a hose so I'd fuck her. She was not a slender woman, but still the best blowjob I've ever gotten. I guess she really HAD become great at putting stuff in her mouth.Interesting.
Next Morning: woke up, had covered both her and her bed with urine. Snuck out to head back to RRTHUR's apartment, thinking hey, this is Brooklyn, she'll never find me, opened her door...it was right across from Rrthur's apartment. Christ.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Quote du Jour
"I'll pour you the first one and after that, if you don't have one, it's your own f****** fault. You know where it is.” - Kingsley Amis
Goals. I Have Them.
I wanna break the record for most pieces of macaroni and cheese stuck on a fork at one time. After all, don't we need heroes now more than ever?
I'm Wondering Why...
...in today's GOP, Ron Paul's possibly not being crazy about non-whites is considered to be disqualifying. Camon. I'm sure there's a Democratic equivalent, but camon.
Shit This Asshole Says
The guy whose Shit My Dad Says Twitter was made into a tv show that flopped had me feeling for him in this article wherein he laments having shows he's working on canceled but is still being grateful to even have had a chance to write them at all until I see that he's got a second book coming out entitled I Suck at Girls, " a trip through Halpern’s complete failures with the opposite sex."
What? Oh, fuck you. You had your Twitter feed turn into a national best-selling book and then a tv show starring Captain fucking Kirk, and I'm supposed to feel bad or give a shit about you having a tough time picking up women? I don't care if you were a virgin before your book and tv show; now you've won the fucking lottery and can have all the tail you want, so you've won. Shut the fuck up.
This is just like how we're supposed to give a shit if millionaires can get women:
Fictional, of course.
It's just like motherfuckers on game shows who already are rich:
What? Oh, fuck you. You had your Twitter feed turn into a national best-selling book and then a tv show starring Captain fucking Kirk, and I'm supposed to feel bad or give a shit about you having a tough time picking up women? I don't care if you were a virgin before your book and tv show; now you've won the fucking lottery and can have all the tail you want, so you've won. Shut the fuck up.
This is just like how we're supposed to give a shit if millionaires can get women:
What the fuck is this? "Oh boy, MORE rich guys getting all the girls! Hooraaaaaay, rich guys!!" What's the point of this...I'm sorry, but if you're a millionaire and you can't meet women, then you're a fucking idiot.For fuck's sake, where's my goddam book or tv show; I could give you a sad sack that would turn your hair gray. Grrrr.
Wouldn't a show about poor dudes trying to date be a lot more interesting anyways? Give a guy $20 and a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese to try to have a successful first date squiring a girl? Let me guess what this show will have instead: rich dude flies girl to Paris for lunch and London for dinner. Buys her Delaware. Wow! What a guy! So hard for him, don't you find yourself rooting for the lil guy??!!
Fictional, of course.
It's just like motherfuckers on game shows who already are rich:
3) I’m starting to notice a lot of game shows are played by people that already have money. It’s always “Hi I’m Roy, I own a string of hardware stores back east…” etc. It’s never “Hi I’m Eddie, they told me there were some cold cuts in the back…” Wouldn’t it be more exciting if only poor people were allowed on these shows? People whose lives could REALLY be changed by small amounts of cash – not these guys who keep going for the million bucks cause fuck it, what do they care if they lose, they already own Tulsa. But saying to a poor person hey, you can go for the million bucks, or walk out right now with $7,000 – well to me that’s drama. And you KNOW if this poor guy goes back home having blown a chance to get some money, any money at all, his family will pound on him till kingdom come. We could even have follow-up visits to the guy’s house a year later, where his family tries to be nice but the resentment drips like it’s from a faucet. “Here, have some rice n beans…oh no, it’s not Rice a Roni…you know, some people just can’t afford the name brands…isn’t that right, Captain Asshole?” (icey glare at our hero, who gulps while pretending not to notice)Might try to set a record for self-linking today, btw.
U Can't Have BCS Without the BS
I don't wana get all "things were better in my day!" here, but this is totally fucking depressing:
Number of Bowl Games Scheduled for AFTER New Year's Day: 12
Number of Bowl Games Scheduled for ON New Year's Day: 0
Sigh. Indeed.
Number of Bowl Games Scheduled for AFTER New Year's Day: 12
Number of Bowl Games Scheduled for ON New Year's Day: 0
Sigh. Indeed.
Oh Oh
I think my Anteater Office Crush just saw me pick at my balls. Good news for the other office crushes competing for my affections, bad news for me. Fucking hell.
Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?
Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?
Fine, I F*&king Admit It
I kinda like the way burberry looks. And my fellows over at the local bathhouse assure me this doesn't make me gay at all.
Thanks guys!
"You're welcome Princess!"
Thanks guys!
"You're welcome Princess!"
Gifts
146 years ago today General Sherman ("Sherm the Perm") gave Abe Lincoln one of the greatest Christmas gifts ever: Savannah, and certain victory for the Union. History tells us that Lincoln blurted out "oh shit, I didn't get him anything!" and quickly drew up a "COUPON FOR ONE FREE HUG." Always was a quick thinker.
I respectfully concede that it tops my It's a Wonderful Life calendar. Way to show me up, Shermy.
"Suck it, Xmasqueer!"
I respectfully concede that it tops my It's a Wonderful Life calendar. Way to show me up, Shermy.
"Suck it, Xmasqueer!"
The Real Housewives of Stupidity
Fuck You, Burger King
After 42 years of coming in second to McDonalds, Burger King is finally about to be overtaken by Wendy's for the #2 spot. Which is great - besides having the best fast-food burger in the business, everything at Wendy's is pretty great; certainly better than Burger King.
The timing of this is funny since as I mentioned before, Burger King has just recently decided to quit acting like assholes and simply do whatever McDonalds does to right it's sinking ship. I feel like I've just used a Malaprop there, but fuck it. How Ringo of me!
And I'll say it once again: someone has to explain to me why McDonalds isn't running the country. If all the money in the world suddenly disappeared from the universe, McDonalds would STILL increase their profits for the quarter. Fucking a. Hell, they're so great they almost got me a boyfriend once!!!!
Anyway, here's a coupla pigs.
The timing of this is funny since as I mentioned before, Burger King has just recently decided to quit acting like assholes and simply do whatever McDonalds does to right it's sinking ship. I feel like I've just used a Malaprop there, but fuck it. How Ringo of me!
And I'll say it once again: someone has to explain to me why McDonalds isn't running the country. If all the money in the world suddenly disappeared from the universe, McDonalds would STILL increase their profits for the quarter. Fucking a. Hell, they're so great they almost got me a boyfriend once!!!!
Anyway, here's a coupla pigs.
News That Shouldn't Be News
What's annoying about this little speech is that instead of looking at how she thinks about things Meghan McCain doesn't say "hey, maybe I'm actually a Democrat." Instead, she calls herself a Republican and then works her way back from there. You can't be a dude who fucks other dudes but claims not to be gay cause you call them "women." "I'm a Republican but cool with gay people." Hey, you know who isn't? The Republican Party. Being a Democrat or a Republican isn't something you choose because you like the uniforms - and clinging to one may mean you're only slowing down progress that you yourself are actually in favor of.- XMASTIME on Meghan McCain (heh heh heh)For some reason people are aghast at Newt Gingrich telling a gay guy he should vote for Obama. Why is this so controversial? If gay rights are very important to you, OF COURSE you should vote for anyone but a Republican! Isn't that how you choose who to vote for? Yes, if you're gay or not white or a woman or not exceedingly rich, you should vote for Obama. This shouldn't really be "oh my!" shocking news. The process behind voting is you start with your beliefs and move to the party that best accommodates them and not the other way around, a lá McTitties. There's plenty of reason to call Newt a shithead, and this isn't really one of them. At least here's one case of him being honest and not falsely wooing a voter while being a part of the very mechanism that is trying to make his life miserable.
Joe Strummer
Jets/Giants
I've been struggling with the upcoming Jets/Giants game. My brain tells me to root for the Jets, therein helping my Cowboys' path to the playoffs; my heart has my blinding rage-based hatred of the Jets rooting for the Giants to win to finally fucking embarrass Chris Christie Rex Ryan into shutting the fuck up.
I've made a decision. First of all, the Cowboys can still get to the playoffs by beating the Giants themselves next week. But who really gives a shit anyway - they've won exactly one playoff game in 15 years; the odds of them getting to the Super Bowl is almost zero. Therein, even if it means the Cowboys sit out the playoffs, I wanna see the Jets and their fat fuck loud mouth ass of a coach go down in flames on Christmas Eve in front of the entire country. Besides, isn't the Super Bowl more about Watty buying a bunch of Popeyes chicken anyway?
Of course, a meteor hitting the stadium in the middle of the game and blowing away both teams would be ideal, but hey. I'm not asking for too much.
I've made a decision. First of all, the Cowboys can still get to the playoffs by beating the Giants themselves next week. But who really gives a shit anyway - they've won exactly one playoff game in 15 years; the odds of them getting to the Super Bowl is almost zero. Therein, even if it means the Cowboys sit out the playoffs, I wanna see the Jets and their fat fuck loud mouth ass of a coach go down in flames on Christmas Eve in front of the entire country. Besides, isn't the Super Bowl more about Watty buying a bunch of Popeyes chicken anyway?
Of course, a meteor hitting the stadium in the middle of the game and blowing away both teams would be ideal, but hey. I'm not asking for too much.
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