Solo Beatlez

Rolling Stone asks the important question: which Beatle solo song is your favorite?

Mine is a two-way tie of two Harrison slices, What is Life and Waiting On You All. Figures that once the Tea Party Beatle broke free of that Beatle Communism, he'd flourish.

My picks HERE:

What's you favorite Beatles song?  What are your favorite Beatles solo songs?

Mines:
Beatles - I Want to Hold Your Hand
Paul - Ballroom Dancing
John - Happy Xmas (The War is Over)
George - What is Life
Ringo - Photograph

I'd also add my favorite Beatles album is A Hard Day's Night, and my favorite solo Beatle record is All Things Must Pass.

Hello Goodbye Godzilla

Along with the yin-and-yang of the old guard and the new guys and the gray hairs and the youth, there is a nice symmetry to Matsui winning the World Series MVP; it feels like he's standing for all the guys that came and went since 2000 without getting a ring. Some were good Yankees (Giambi, Moose) and some were douchebags (Johnson, Brown, Sheffield.) Matsui was always the best of them all, a great Yankee.  - XMASTIME

This is good news: he's retiring as a New York Yankee.

Broadway Joe

Joe Namath turned 70 today, and I agree with this guy that it's surprising he's "only" 70. I feel like he's been famous for bout 170 years.

Me on him and Mickey:

There are also some parallels between him and the Mickey Mantle HBO doc: strapping young bucks with insane athletic ability and Southern drawls who hit the New York City nightlife like hurricanes, both on injured knees which to this day makes those who saw them run at 100% feel sorry for those who never could, and both with a physical toughness and willingness to play through obscene pain that their teammates absolutely loved them for, despite they're being placed on pedestals by fans and media (and both funny as hell.)

Nangulance Update

Nangulance: n. the minor turbulences of life that, while small and nebulous, can collect to make your head explode.

(as best described HERE.) 

The shit is alive and well on the sidewalks of Washington DC. Grrrrrr.

Question

Anyone else weirded out that after 6 years, Penny is still a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory?

Text Received du Jour

"FYI the key is under the pig in the front yard."

Xmastime Classixxx

My Democratic Convention Nomination Film

Another thing I've noticed during these little film clips before the big speakers is that none of them had any relatives that complained no matter how bad it got. Depression, WWII, 30 kids, working 9 jobs at a time, nobody's complaining. And if you did when you were a kid, you'd get your ears boxed. Oh yeah, and they always believed in you, no matter what. I'd like to change that; if in 2012 I'm the Democratic nominee, I'd like to fuck with people a bit; the clip might go like this.

"...my grandparents met and got married, then the war came...boy, did my Grandfather not wanna go to that. "It sounded really, really hard!!" he'd tell me, still angry. Fought and bitched to get outta going, but they finally came and got him I guess. Oh sure, the Depression, the War, they talked about those days a lot...how much they hated those days, having to work all the time and stuff..."why did all this happen to us? why not somebody else?" they'd ask me. "Why couldn't that have happened to your generation instead?" they'd say to me..."Always look for the shortcut"...so yeah, they were pretty miserable to be around...my parents, let's see, my Dad won $600 on a scratch ticket when I was 2 and he left, so I never even knew him...I'm like thousands and thousands of other kids out there, raised by a single mom...who worked 2 days a week, from 10am to 3pm at the local library...we'd say Mom, why not get another job so we can eat? and she'd always look us in the eye and say the same thing: "oh, HELL no." She talked a lot about what a rip-off it was that my Dad got to leave and left her with the kids...boy, did she cry and whine a lot, that's for sure...the only time she ever lightened up and stopped complaining was sometimes just to mess with her we'd tell her that Dad called and was coming back; boy, she'd light up, sprinting to the phone to call the library and tell them where they could shove that job of theirs...we'd let her know just in time that we were kidding...anyway yeah, she never came to any of my games throughout high school..."Tuesday night game? I hafta work on Thursday, so no."...there's a sacredness to being a single mother, as some of us know...I can still remember her late at night, coming into my room as I was trying to sleep, sitting on the side of my bed and patting my head lightly, running her fingers through my hair and softly telling me to not worry, everything would be alright...if I would just ask to borrow some money from my girlfriend, "that rich bitch ain't gonna miss it!! Just ask!!"...boy, did she whine about things a lot...anyway, it's a thrill to be here tonight accepting the nomination...oh, I have no idea if she's even here tonight, you can look I guess...hey, like she said just this morning on the phone, "you'll blow it anyways"...

Would make for great tv, no??

Drinking with Douches

Here's the 25 Douchiest Bars in New York City.

I'll stand up for the Alligator Lounge even though this happened there.

And Union Pool, I must say, had the best djs ever. And there's nothing I hate more than djs. And I once claimed to be the Attorney General of Wisconsin to get some pootang there.

Pitchfork No Longer Satisfied Making You Feel Beneath Them with Just Music

I Laugh at Everything That I Don't Understand

When I moved to Brooklyn in 1998, The Vacant Lot was the shit.

Housewives du Jour

The Real Housewives of Benning Road.  "Hechinger Mall." You're welcome, Earth.

Mind Blown

Re: the Teen Wolf post below.

- I've seen it maybe 800000 times, but I just now realized that the "wolf" was played by a "Fox." Hmm.
- Should the Wolf have been called for 10 seconds in the backcourt? Yes.

Mostly, all hail Coach Finstock.

I've Said It Once, I've Said it a Thousand Times...

him casually flipping the ball underhanded to the ref is one of the greatest moments in movie history. Kills me. Every time.

Elgin Baylor, Plus Another Old Post if Mine Blah Blah fucking Blah Who Cares

GRANTLAND points out that Elgin Baylor, who was Jordan 1.0, did actually win a ring, albeit a tad dubiously:

Beginning with the first game after Baylor's retirement announcement, the Lakers won their next 33 — still the longest winning streak in major pro sports history — then won the NBA title by beating the New York Knicks in five games in the Finals. Baylor was given a ring despite his absence from the playing roster.

Which means he should still be a candidate for ending the drug war:

It just occurred to me to wonder what’s been the least effective over the years: torture as an intelligence-gathering device, the War on Drugs, or the LA Clippers. Let’s face it – all three have been disastrously useless and costly. Some more than others, but all three would have no problems being first-time honorees on Mount Suckmore.

As a matter of fact, I think in the interest of “why not try, who the fuck knows what’ll work since nothing else has?” we should simply rotate whoever’s in charge of each program and see what happens. Elgin Baylor has decades of experience throwing millions of dollars down a hole with nary an inch of success, why not let him have a crack at the Drug War? Hey, maybe basketball just never was Elgin’s “thing.” And whoever’s been running the drug war, see what they can do with torture. Torture hasn’t helped us win the Iraq War - it’s been a complete waste of time while simultaneously coming at a great cost to us, which means those brilliant generals who have been running the drug war will be able to fit right in. Again we start out at ground zero, but you never know what a new group of faces will think of when offered a new opportunity, right? And the people in charge of torture taking over the Clippers is a no-brainer; those fans have been tortured for so long already they’ll just lay there and take anything you try with a smile on their faces, right? And do you honestly think Dick Cheney a random CIA agent couldn’t throw a dart at the phone book and make better draft picks than Elgin ever did with the Clippers? Camon.

In all three instances, there is no way to lose, is there? If each new agency in charge continues to suck, so what? Who would even notice? But if one of them cracks open the logjam of worthlessness just a little bit, wouldn’t that be some shit? 

Fried Rice Spillover Magic

In a strange confluence of events, which is usually the only thing ever associated with "confluence", my mentioning China Taste in an earlier post happens on a day in which I went out for chicken fried rice at lunch and had to use a separate plate because the container they packed it in was was stuffed that I was guaranteed to lose about 50% of it to spillover, and since I was in a room with other people I wouldn't be able to inhale it off the floor with a straw like a human being. Which reminded me of a post I wrote with my one-time sidekick, The Fashion Herald:

I've spent a lot of the past week thinking of my beloved egg foo young. Not because of my diet, but because I spend most of every week thinking of egg foo young. One thing I won't miss is the egg foo young combo at China Taste on Graham Avenue. If you eat there they insist on putting it on a plate that is the exact size as the food. The rice is piled a foot high and goes all the way to the edge of the plate. You're terrified that moving one grain of rice wrong will make the whole thing come tumbling down...like Jenga. It grosses you out to even think about scooping the rice up off the table and eating it: in the end I don't like to offend my hosts so I scoop. At $4.55 a combo plate it's not really worth jeopardizing US/China relations.

Oh Oh

I just noticed that the Footnotes of Mad Men site hasn't been updated since April 17. I can't help but think of my go-to guy for children's lit, who tragically died almost exactly a year ago today. Fucking hell. Still makes me sad.

Pizza, and Also My Nuts

 I'm not one to fix what ain't broken, and I'm sure as fuck not gonna start with my Chinese food. When I moved all the way across the neighborhood I held my breath and lit a candle the first time I called them to see if they delivered all the way to my street. They did. And as a huge bonus, I stumbled upon the fact that they had the best chicken nuggets in the neighborhood. Or, as they called them, Chicken McNuggets. Hmm.

Apparently I called them for a stretch completely shitfaced each time, as upon delivering my address and order one night the guy became angry and started yelling at me "you wear pants! you wear pants this time!" I guess I had been answering au natural. Oh wait, so that's how the Asians-have-a-small-penis thing started? Sorry Asians! - XMASTIME

Apparently, according to 13 Things Your Pizza Guy Won't Tell You, I wasn't that different from everybody else after all:

At the Movies

THE GIRL WHO has just gone through the exhausting experience of taking her kids to the movies for the very first time.

In completely unrelated news we are taking the kids to their first movie today and also what the fuck are we thinking are we completely insane this cannot end well. Any tips? Other than don't plan on enjoying ourselves or seeing much of the movie? And probably plan on a big argument to close the day as we take out our parental stress on each other. Any tips besides that?

I remember the first movie I took The Short Bus to. Knocked Up. I just wanted to got a movie, any movie. He hadn't even turned one yet, I was hoping he'd fall asleep the second we walked into the darkness.

Needless to say, we didn't make it through the previews before having to leave thanks to a certain someone's chirping and barking. Ironically, I did not take him with me when I went to see Ratatouille. But we did see a bunch of movies, including Wall-E.

Tavis 2000

I’ve always liked Tavis Smiley but it drives me batshit that his show is only half an hour, which sucks cause he always has 2 separate guests on. Which means it’s basically “hi how are ya whodyya think Xmastime’s banging right now? Okay gotta go see ya, NEXT!” But then even worse is when the two guests are beyond comically disparate, I'm like "is he doing this to be funny?" Like "This half hour we'll have US Supreme Court Justice John Roberts followed by Flick, the neighborhood boy who set a Guinness record last week for surviving solely on Flav-or-ice treats. Stay tuned."

A perfect example was this past Monday. From the website:

On Todays’s Show:
DNC Rules Committee member and advisor to Sen. Clinton, Harold Ickes, describes what he sees as a possible course of action for his candidate and when he feels she will make her final decision about the nomination. Emmy-winning actress Betty White explains how she came to love animals as a child.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!!? (head exploding) - XMASTIME

Tavis Smiley is airing his 2,000th show. I don't think I've done anything 2,000 times except use my penis as a speed-bag.

Hot Dogs

I agree with all of these.

Chuck Klosterman Has a Weird Red-headed Beard,

but he gets this right:

Traditionally, Duke’s greatest players are only slightly better than good. If the 12 all-time best Duke alumni (at their professional peaks) played the 12 all-time best North Carolina alumni (at similar apex levels), the Tar Heels would win by 30. Assuming the game was uncoached, a Duke all-star squad might lose to the ‘84 Tar Heels, and that team didn’t even make the Final Four. Yet Duke-UNC remains an annual toss-up. Every season, Duke’s collection of high-end role players defeat at least 10 teams who would kill them on the playground. And they do this by retaining and perfecting the enduring qualities (and the arcane strategies) of non-pro basketball.

From the Skyline of a Great Big Town

I generally turn my nose up at groups of skylines that don't include New York City, but at least this one's somewhat informative. apparently, there's some place called "Of the Moines" out there. Thanks, poster!

Not My Proudest Google Moment du Jour

In America

The Lasagna bun meatball burger. Because of course.

Newest Favorite Thing

Big Bear absolutely loves my superslice Hoosiers, so I got to call him Lil' Chitwood all weekend while gunning the rock. Which makes me do this:   :)

Xmastime AudioBookz

Obesity

The world's fattest man died the other day. which makes me think of two questions:
1) how does this happen?
2) can I recycle an old post so I don't hafta bother stringing words together again?

Turns out the answer is a big, fat, resounding YES:

4) The fat fucks I’m watching on The Learning Channel. People that weigh about 900lbs, don’t leave their beds and eat almost 20,000 calories a day. I don’t care that they eat so much, but how can they buy all this fucking food? Dude I’m looking at right now – hasn’t left the bed in over a decade. His family is like a rotating hotel staff, constantly cooking for him. They assuage themselves as enablers by saying well, if we don’t give him food he’ll just order delivery. What? Where is this money coming from? Is he selling pictures of his gargantuan man titties online? Doubtful, he probably ate the computer. And I would’ve recognized him. What the fuck. Now we see him shrug and say “I love food, I’m addicted to eating!” Hey, if I could afford it I’d be addicted to Brazilian hookers coming over to sit on my face while wrapping a Pizza Hut meat lover’s around my dick, but I can’t. Flummoxed. And if you’re thinking I’m shilling to Pizza Hut for an endorsement deal, you’re not wrong. Between my almost perfect set of testicles and willingness to do anything with a pizza, I think they could do worse. Oh wait. They have.









Cause nothing makes me hungry for pizza like a pig in a low-cut dress hanging from strings. Mmmmm. But enuff about the last woman I had back in my apartment.

Tumblr du Jour

Shit You Left Behind.

Don’t worry, I gave this one back when I finished with it.

 

Wonder if my fucking letter jacket will show up. Grrr.

Four!

As you already know, one of my all-time superslices is Ball Four, so this was nice to read:

Cool scene in the Yankees clubhouse Tuesday, when catcher Chris Stewart sat on a couch reading Jim Bouton’s classic “Ball Four.” The book, released in 1970, shattered the glossy image of baseball players as clean-living heroes, and showed Yankee icons like Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris as complex human beings.

To be honest I don't recall much of Maris in the book, but I do welcome any opportunity to re-post my man Mickey with the greatest story ever.

Happy Birfday!

Today is JFK's birthday, which made me think of three things:

1) There have been more years from his death to the present than there were from his birth to his death.

2) How could it be I never noticed his initials could stand for Just Fucking Kidding?

3) Were it not for one day in Dallas, there'd be a 96 year-old dude hobbling round getting more ass than me today. Dodged a bullet with that one, didn't I?






"That's not funny."








And of course, there's the Xmastime/Kennedy phenomenon:

As today is the 42nd anniversary of JFK's death, the inevitable Xmastime/Kennedy "unexplainable coincidences" chatter begins. Such as:

1) Kennedy went to Harvard. Xmastime went to Longwood, which a professor once snidely called "The Harvard on the Appomattox." hmm. pretty bad when professors are making fun of the very college they teach at. Yes, I chose to end that sentence with a preposition, Professor Fuckface.

2) Kennedy was a well known womanizer, using his movie-star looks and incredible wealth to bed a slew of ladies. Xmastime is a local legend with the ladies, using enough vodka to kill a bear and a strong back to bed a slew of ladies.

3) Kennedy wrote "Profiles in Courage" at the age of 38. Xmastime has publicly proclaimed that he hopes to make it to 38.

4) Kennedy and Xmastime, both Catholic. What are the odds of that???!!

5) Also, both white. I'm freaking out as I type this.

6) Kennedy was born in Massachusetts. Xmastime's parents were born in Massachusetts. That makes 3 people who: can't pronounce an "R", can't drive, and repeat themselves over and over when they talk. Great.

7) Kennedy's defining moment was the Cuban Missle Crisis. Xmastime once had a Cuban sandwich on Bedford Avenue with David Bielanko...who was on an album with Bruce Springsteen...who was in a movie with John Cusack...who once shit in Kevin Bacon's mouth.

8) Kennedy was Irish. Xmastime is blacked out right now.

Eerie, eerie stuff I know.

Question du Jour

I'm a mayo man, but I understand that for centuries ketchup was the go-to condiment for fries. but when the fuck did it become the law that you had to offer dipping sauces with fries? What the fuck?

Anyway, here's a coupla pigs.

WELL, Well, Well...

...LOOK who's single!

(smashing BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY glass to get to case of Canoe cologne.)

Just Like My Mama Sa-ahead

Today Short Bus and I were on the train and some dude waddled on that had to be 500 lbs. "Yeesh" we both thought. Then I saw that the dude only had one hand. "Good lord" I turned to Short Bus and said, "think of how big that fat fuck would be with two hands!" - XMASTIME

Guess what's the first thing I thought of when I saw this guy?

Sigh. All these years later, I'm still going to hell. You should be sad about that. Hell is hot as hell. And you know I hate the heat.

Finally: Life Is Coming Up Xmastime

I've worked up a little crush on the woman working at the bodega across the street from my office, so you can imagine how thrilled I am to find out she's a twin, therein doubling my chances. Nom nom fucking nom. Nom nom fucking nom.

Proud Email du Jour

Book du Jour

Hope it's better than the last one.

Exhausted Writer Whittles List Down to 8

Cry du Jour

Beautiful moment, Paul in 1997 playing the best part of Abbey Road. Made even better by the fact that yeah, that's George Martin, the real fifth Beatle, orchestrating alongside him.

Mukluks: Bob Zimmerman (no, not that one)

Dear iTunes:

I would happily pay a small fee if it meant that whenever I download an entire season of a tv show I don't hafta sit through the fucking opening credits again and again and again and fucking again.

For fuck'ss ake,
Xmastime

State du Moi

I have no idea if Ben-Gay actually works, but my lower back has never smelled better.

Happy Birfday!

to one of my best friends of all time, Dave. Now lets make a ton of cash from this thing.

The Best Song of 2010

You Should

Like this video more!

NYC Mayor

Meanwhile, David Vitter is still in the Senate, and he broke the law while being proven a giant hypocrite.  Gingrich gets to run for president, and if Bill Clinton could run for president he'd get about 65% of the vote.  If Weiner just waits it out a bit he'll be fine.  One day, he'll be pissed he got into this mess without actually having sex with anyone (as far as we know.) Politicians getting in hot water about this shit nowadays is like waiting for a bus: just give it a few minutes, and another one will come along.- XMASTIME

Reason #43,329 I miss New York City is I wish I could vote for Anthony Weiner for mayor.

Just  shame Horshack didn't live long enough to play him in the movie :(

Lunch Lady Land

The caption under the picture of the cafeteria workers in my high school yearbook:

V. Davis, D. Davis, D. Davis, S. Davis, K. Davis, R. Davis, E. Davis, C. Davis  - XMASTIME

Buzzfeed has a post today on school lunches around the world, which serves mostly to remind us that The Lunch Lady is still going hard at it (heh heh heh) after all these years. I've written about her several times throughout the years, albeit mostly to remind everybody of my single greatest feat: eating 15 rolls during one lunch period in high school.

Hey, who's horny now? Anyone?

Tweetz du Jour

One reason to be thankful you're alice today is Neil DeGrasse Tyson's awesome Twitter feed.

Runner-up: Modern Seinfeld.

China, Cheese, Oh My!

Apparently, China is trying to learn to love cheese:

“I think some people before they come by prepare themselves psychologically,” says Yang. “Maybe they’ll come back, maybe they won’t. We won’t get disappointed because of this. Most Chinese people are not used to cheese culture.”

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you write a coupla years ago about the lack of cheese being the reason the Chinese are such terrible drivers?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful reader, yes. You win:

Is there a connection between there being apparently no cheese in the Chinese diet and them being such bad drivers? Maybe what makes Americans better drivers is the cheese; ie our insides are so bunged up we hafta hyper-focus on driving so we get where we need to get as soon as possible, whereas the Chinese are in no rush and spend their driving time cruising along slooooooowly, rooking around at the scenery and allowing themselves to be distracted. Seems like a connection to me, be nice if a committee to investigate was formed. 

Today's Daily News

Is this the first time a newspaper's front page has basically just been a picture of another newspaper's front page? Wtf?

Song du Jour? (Answer: YES)

Bookz

Splisider has an extensive list of the BEST HUMOR BOOKS EVER WRITTEN.


You know me. There's four books, and ONLY four books:

Without Feathers

Cheaper by the Dozen

The Collected Works of Neil Simon

Peter Leroy

Must say, I do need to read Lucky Jim.

Williamsburg.

I didn't move here to hang a line of wash with a fat 80 year-old Italian woman who's never been east of Union Avenue in her life. I don't give a shit how rough the southside was in the 1980s, I didn't come here to take auto shop with Vinnie Barbarino. I came here to find ex-patriots like myself looking for the goddam sun. I didn't give a shit about the "real" Brooklyn; I wanted to make my own Brooklyn with people like myself who had come not knowing really why they had come HERE, but knowing they had come to the right place. And I know they're out there somewhere. -  XMASTIME

The latest in the "Flipster" nonsense about Williamsburg, ie the "bridge and tunnel hipsters."

 "They're poser hipsters. They come from the city or from New Jersey to come play hipster for the weekend," said Chandler, 26, of the term. "There's some weird touristy draw... All the cool bars that used to be not crowded are now crowded by weekenders."

Ugh.

Bitching about being a part of "real" Williamsburg seems to have become an American rite of passage; anyone who's lived in Williamsburg over the last twenty years, even if only for weeks, feels outraged at the "gentrification" they're having to suffer though. Nobody can accept they're just part of the liquidity of the place...yes, we were all part of the Golden Age...but guess what? Your Golden Age isn't necessarily anyone else's. There's another Golden age going on at any time, without you at all. And no matter what, there's always someone who came before you. I got there in January of 1998. But guess what? Someone else got there in December of 1997.

We all came to Brooklyn. Relax.

Like anybody I guess, I assumed New York City began the second I walked in, and would disappear the moment I left. Just now I walked by my freight elevator, where a kid in his early 20's wearing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt was excitedly loading in boxes from what looked like his parents' minivan. - XMASTIME

Maybe There's Hope After All

There comes a point wherein we should realize you know what, we're all on this planet at this very moment together right now, so lets help each other out. The universe has been around for 13 billion years, and yet here the two of us are at a Hardees on October of 2012. Relax. In the end, it doesn't matter. There's no reason not to make everybody's lives aspleasant  as possible. - XMASTIME

For the first time in I don't know how long, the Catholic Church has said something that actually makes sense. Via Sully we see Pope Francis' quote, in which he boils everything down to one thing: be nice.

“This ‘closing off’ that imagines that those outside, everyone, cannot do good is a wall that leads to war and also to what some people throughout history have conceived of: killing in the name of God. That we can kill in the name of God. And that, simply, is blasphemy. To say that you can kill in the name of God is blasphemy … The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone! …

We all have a duty to do good. And this commandment for everyone to do good, I think, is a beautiful path towards peace. If we, each doing our own part, if we do good to others, if we meet there, doing good, and we go slowly, gently, little by little, we will make that culture of encounter: we need that so much. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there,” - Pope Francis

Now, there's of course Dalton from Road House's version of "be nice":

Dalton: I want you to be nice.. until it's time..to not be nice
Bouncer: So, uh, how are we supposed to know when that is?
Dalton: You won't..I'll let you know...You are the bouncers I am the Cooler; All you have to do is watch my back and each others....and take out the trash!

And then there's what the Pope said...you don't need to be a Catholic, and you don't even need to believe in God to do that one, most fundamental, most basic human act...be nice. That's it.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you write about this upon hearng your first Homily after returning to the Catholic Church in 2012?"

Sigh. YES, I'll copy & fucking paste. You're welcome, Earth.

As for the service itself it was fine; I kind of enjoyed it actually.  Amazing how relaxing church can be when 1) you can remove any religious mumbo-jumbo from the whole affair, and 2) you can simply get up and walk out at any time without the fear of your father burying you next to the septic tank in the backyard.  Father Lynch, whom I met the other day, made a point of coming up and saying hello to me shortly after I arrived (being one of half a dozen people in the building, I wasn't hard to miss)(wait - do you think it's because he knows about my life above the rim?), and I saw him while leaving and told him I enjoyed his Homily, which I did.  The gist was we all need to take care of those who can't take care of themselves, which to me is the single most important tenet of any religion, so it was nice to hear in a very specific way (again - no mumbo-jumbo, just straight-up be compassionate/golden rule stuff.)

Hunks. We're Endangered.

Slate wonders if we've reached the peak of using sexy hunks in advertising:

Hunks are now such a well-worn advertising trope that “the ‘surprise’ factor is kind of used up for now," ad consultant Allison Cohen told USA Today. “Seems like it's time for a break from this approach.” 

Great. I guess the Cheetos hunk's gonna be looking for fucking work (or work fucking, heh heh heh....beep.)

Oh, Joy!

Tom Brady's confident that the New England Patriots need him now more than ever.

Oh, goody for Tommy -  I was getting worried it'd been more than 10 minutes since we'd heard mooooooore goooooooood neeeeeeeeeews for Tom Brady.

Goddammit.

Memories

Another of my old Cheezburger moments from years ago...back when I was funny. Sigh.

You Say Potato, I Say Fuck It I'd Rather Die

Scientists have apparently cracked the mystery of the Irish potato famine...

Based on their analysis of the genetic variation between the two strains and the other historical samples, they suggest that sometime in 1842 or 1843, the ancestor of the HERB-1 strain of P. infestans made it out of Mexico to North America and then to Europe, perhaps contained within the potatoes that ships carried as food for their passengers. Soon, it spread across the world, triggering famine in Ireland, and persisting until the 1970s, when it died out and was largely replaced by the US-1 strain. The two strains likely split apart sometime soon after their common ancestor made it out of Mexico.

...without, of course, cracking the mystery re: why the Irish didn't simply eat something else. Fish, for instance...they were, after all, on an island.

(Official Xmastime recommendation: Paddy's Lament)

I Am Vindicated. As Always.

7) Where did the myth about sexy, slutty flight attendants begin? The stereotype is of gorgeous horny babes banging dudes at every layover. I don't fly a lot, but every time I do the attendant is usually, if not a flaming dude, some spinster who weighs in at 400lbs. She's out of breath while showing us what to do in case we crash, and constantly scraping my shoulder with her fat ass every time she squeezes by. What the fuck. - XMASTIME 

WELL well well...wait, I guess I already said that...anyway, somewhere, somebody in the universe is finally catching up by bringing back the hot flight attendant.

You're welcome, Earth.

The Internet Is Amazing

Not only does this site have the numbers from Larry Bird's first game ever in the NBA (along with every game thereafter), but it has a scan of the actual boxscore from the next day's newspaper. Gotdam.

Xmastime Classixxx

Goals. I Have Them.

I love it when restaurants tape a menu onto a front window, right over top of a table where a couple may be dining. And the fancier the restaurant, the better. Next window/table I see this occurring, I'm walking right up to the menu and staring at it like I'm trying to split an atom with my eyes. Hovering above the unlucky couple, inches away and seperated only by a thin sheet of glass. One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes, just staring at the menu while the couple gets more and more uncomfortable. Nothing silly like pulling my shirt slowly up, just super-earnestly acting as if I'm reading every word of the menu with extreme interest. Finally after about 5 minutes I start to walk away, but at the last possible second I snap my head back as if something on the menu I had missed caught my eye, and I come right back to stand and stare for another few minutes. Fun being me!!

Whoa Whoa, Relax, Don't Worry...It's Not the Hot One.

Now THIS Is Funny

Copyranter on the 8 Best Fake Ads of the Year.  This is awesome.

Almost as funny as part of a fake ad a certain somebody made a while back for his pretend portfolio. Hmm.

8 Reasons...

...we should be obsessed with the International Space Station.

Happy 4th Birfday

To my little buddy Josey  :)

Also, of course, it was four years ago today that I introduced Big Bear & Husky to White Castle. You're welcome, fellas.

State du Moi

I do not generally subscribe to food with the word "revenge" in the name.

Advice. You're Welcome.

From a bartender on how to behave on an online date:

1. If you arrive first, try not to primp too much while you wait. You already did this at home. You already did this on the way there: in the reflection of subway window or in a rearview mirror or in your office bathroom. In particular, the barroom mirror is a woman’s curse. Most men can refrain from looking but women are seemingly mesmerized. Usually there are a lot of adjustments. Hair is fluffed, a duckbill pout emerges. Eyes grow larger, sultrier. The vibe is murderous yet intelligent. Or simply put: fucking nuts. 

I, of course, believe that a playah's primoing never ends. But hey.

...it was time to drop Chuck off so I could head home for my primping.  Of course by “primping” I meant shit, shower, and shave quickly enough to be able to take a car service and arrive at the restaurant thirty minutes early so I’d have time to stop sweating, eventually cool down, remove my sweaty t-shirt in the bathroom, throw it away, apply a fresh coat of deodorant, throw away the deodorant and then put on a fresh t-shurt, all so that when Josalyn came through the door I’d be fresh, cool, and not breathing as if I’d just run five miles through a headwind.  Being fat and poor left not only no margin for error, but no margin for anything other than a fucking miracle.

I thought about pulling the “stay just around the corner” trick so I could see when she got to the restaurant and then breeze in about one minute later, therein looking (and smelling) as if the trip from my apartment had been no big deal - not a drop of sweat, not a heaving breath. Cool as ice, just another date on a Saturday night for me.

Fuck that, I should be happy enough I had a date with a real woman; there was no need to push it.  It was just dinner, I wasn’t trying to win a goddam Oscar.

Kevin Durant's an Asshole, Wants to Make the OK Tragedy All About Kevin Durant

Michael Scott

There was a lot of talk about the end of The Office as it came on, including this:

So I write this for those of us who stayed behind, the losers who kept clocking in with “The Office” after Carell’s Michael Scott character left. We watched the rest of the series without shame or apology — and, in fact, a pleasant sense of satisfaction, especially this season. My own contrarian streak runs so deep that I might be the only TV critic on the planet who put the first post-Carell season (when James Spader’s Robert California character briefly helmed Dunder Mifflin) on my top 10 list of 2011.

I was not one of those people that swore that the show could not survive Steve Carrell's exit. I was actually excited about the James Spader character, but then they withdrew his uber-weirdness, which made Season 8 kinda suck.

Meanwhile, there remains the Michael Scott paradox: I didn’t mind him leaving as much as some folks, all while watching early episodes now I'm shocked at how much he carried the show. He is the Chris Mullen at St Johns of tv: you know he's the superstar, you know he put up crazy numbers, and yet you don't even notice him until there's a minute left and he's at the free throw line and he's put up 36/12/8, and you don't remember any of it. Silent fucking killer.

Williamsburg

James Franco painted a mural on the Puerto Rican sandwich shop around the corner from 100 Metro:

When I was  last there,  I literally took a photo of every corner...except that one. Of course.

Me: Happy

One of the biggest things I've missed about New York is the Daily News, and today I realized a place on my block sells it :)

Back to my crosswords

and

headlines  :)

Mad Men: Doctor Robert Edition

- thank God Don walked off the elevator in the final minutes without saying shit to Sylvia, because up til then I was rolling my eyes re: are we REALLY supposed to believe that this guy who bangs about 65 broads a day and tosses them aside like a McDonalds bag after you've inhaled the #3 combo meal is "broken-hearted"?!?!? Come the fuck on with that shit - almost as bad as the whole Bobbi fiasco:

Don Draper's fuck buddy Bobbi is doing nothing for me. Please move on.

- Must say: I like Stan as the wild, mountain man looney. But can someone PLEASE shave Ginsburg so he doesn't look like such a fucking clown? Jesus - I thought he was the penultimate new character a year ago, and now he looks like Ronald McDonald died his fucking hair. For fuck's sake already. 

- Pete's "he's in a better place" line was, as you already know, redonculous:

6) “He/she’s going to a better place”
This one always cracks me up. The one thing we will never, ever know as humans is what it’s like after we die, but people sprain an ankle racing to be the first dipshit to say “Well, he’s in a better place.” I don’t know about that. First of all, right here we got blowjobs, cheeseburgers and baseball. We can go to the beach, tell Yo Mama jokes, we can pay an “escort” to put on blackface and pretend she’s Nell Carter from “Gimme a Break.” Seems to me like that’s tough to beat. I don’t know what’s on the other side and I never will, but I’ll take my chances with a world that has potato chips and “Alf” dvds. Secondly, if death means going to a place that’s better than here, and you’re sure enough of it to say it out loud, why wouldn’t you kill yourself?

- Surely there's an app that can play that background office phone constantly ringing/sound of thirty typists going on at once on a loop, right?
- They already set precedent by playing a classic from Revolver - how could they not do the right thing in this episode as well?

Oh, HELLZ No!

I just saw this, for some reason, on Facebook:

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't they steal that easy/cheesy line from you?"

Sigh. Hey, no hard feelings assholes. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ef7nBW7iMlc

Motherfucker

Why is is "mofo"? Shouldn't it be "mofu"?

Questions. I Have Them

Would Margaret be menopausal by now?

Thanks, Richmond

Toots and the Maytals are nice enough to, for some reason, play there, and this fucking happens:

Frederick “Toots” Hibbert is recovering today after he was struck on the forehead  by the glass bottle Saturday night at the Dominion Riverrock concert in Richmond, Va.

Fuckin hell.

Apple Pie, by Frank Bruni

In the New York Times this morning (or, as I call it, "The Times") Frank Bruni writes on anyone in the public arena's burning desire to make us understand how they came from humble beginnings, no matter how far back in their ancestry this woe actually happened:

Candidates for elective office tell us not just how high they’ve climbed but how high they’ve climbed against all odds, as if that’s the only way accomplishment really means anything; as if survival itself confers great merit on the survivor; as if the bleak shall inherit the earth... Fetishized misfortune — hardship porn — has numbed them. That’s the biggest problem with it. It equates and mashes everything into one sentimental mush, cheapening uncommon suffering by showcasing it alongside the rest. It bends all life stories into identical arcs, no matter how different those stories are. Think back to the Republican convention in Tampa, where so many speakers peddled similar tales of heroic forebears and humble origins that genuinely inspirational narratives were lost in the clutter. One moment, Tim Pawlenty was talking about the early death of his mother, when he was just 16; another moment, Rand Paul was reaching back generations to tell the audience: “My great-grandfather, like many, came to this country in search of the American dream. No sooner had he stepped off the boat than his father died.”

But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “haven't you been saying this exact same thing for years?"

I think the need to feel like an oppressed underdog who has succeeded against all odds is as American as apple pie.  One thing America is fascinated by is the ruling class of the uber-wealthy, and the more uber-wealthier they get the more we're fascinated by them, and yet they always feel like they have to win some public relations war for our affection that doesn't exist, be it corporations crying foul on being asked to pay taxes, or NFL owners having to swallow only making a trillion dollars a day.  Nobody likes to admit out loud "part of my success is due to economic and social conditions cemented long before I was even born"; we must be made to believe that Successful Person X was left to die in a dumpster, then pulled himself up by his own bootstraps and became a real rags to riches story.  Nobody's happy simply to have been given the keys to the kingdom, they also hafta portray themselves as "victims."

Xmastime Confessions

I have never seen a minute of any of this trilogy, the Ethan Hawke-Julie Delpy Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight/Easter/NextTuesday/whateverthefuckever things.

Just a Coupla Dudes Hanging Out in Front of O's Crib

The Office Finale

"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."

I'll have more notes on The Office finale tonight/tomorrow, but I will say that the absolute sugar-coating/feel-good way they did it was perfect. I know a lot of people are all worked up about it, but fuck it – the thing was on for nine seasons. That’s how it’s even possible that the whole Erin’s parents showing up thing worked. At first I groaned and rolled my eyes, but what made it work is that her coworkers figured out what was happening before she did. This is a testament to how close these characters were to each other, while staying true to Erin’s endearing dimness.

So between it being on for nine years and them nailing the episodes leading up to the finale, this felt like a coach taking the starters out with a few minutes left on the clock so everybody can just soak it in and enjoy it.

Hell, they even saved Andy – just when I thought they were gonna spend the entire goddam thing on him and completely ruin it, he turned back into Andy Cornell guy, and he even had the line of the night.

Can Never Be Unseen du Jour

The arrow in the FedEx logo.

When you use FedEx courier services to buy yourself some time, you may overlook the clever illusion hidden in the company’s iconic logo: time’s arrow, pointing toward the future. You can see either the white arrow or the FedEx letters, but not both at once, because one is always the background to the other. The current FedEx logo was shortened from the earlier company name Federal Express and given a new snazzy illusory design element, the background arrow between the “E” and the “x.”

Mind. Blown.

Xmastime Classixxx

Part of the reason Brooklyn has an NBA team now is that I agreed to leave Brooklyn. So imagine my outrage to find that after martyring myself, Big Bear and Cherry Bomb are Knicks fans. I mean, really. Thanks guys. - XMASTIME

After a lifetime of being a Knicks hater I find myself rooting for them tonight because Big Bear and Cherry Bomb are there.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “Don't you have an old post that you can just slap up here for the thousandth time for no apparent reason?"

Sigh. Fine. You're welcome, Earth.

"The Guyz"!!! ... wait, how come I'm the one with a sippy cup?

Here are Big Bear & Husky at my "How to Pick Up Chicks" Workshop.

Sorry fellahs; your $45 Workshop fee does not include me answering questions post-workshop.

This picture makes me think of that final shot in The Shining; I can picture Husky hanging out with the Rat Pack at the Sands in the '50s in this one

Okay, time for a picture with me and the kids...wait, Big Bear, what're you digging there?

Oh, dang, dude - why you hatin'?

Sweet, Horrible Vindication (Again)

MOI on Beckham a coupla years ago:

I mean damn, only two years later and here I am looking at an empty Meadowlands on tv - who cares about the Giants playoff game when we're only 10 weeks away from our beloved Red Bulls kicking off their season in Seattle against the scrappy Sounders??!! Seriously, I don't know what's annoying me more right now - my corner bodega constantly being sold out of this season's Topps MLS cards (even with soccer I will not stoop to Fleer), or the neighborhood kids kicking the ball against my building 8, 10 hours a day/night. Thirty 11 year-olds scrambling around in their Beckham jerseys, gleefully screaming out things like "offsides!" and "offsides!", loving every minute of it. Hell, I avoid neighborhood bars now cause let's face it, how many times can you almost come to blows with another drunkard while arguing about what Barcelona and Brightstar need to do differently for soccer to succeed in South Florida, and what are the advantages for Miami Barca playing at Florida International University (on THAT field turf???!!) I also don't know how I got roped into coaching one of the local little league teams, but as long as I can tivo Monday Night American Football, I guess I won't miss anything important. Hey, I didn't think Beckham would be able to do it, but here we are. I was way wrong HERE when I lambasted soccer. Everybody else was right - soccer has now taken over the country, as witnessed by the millions of young boys playing paper soccer in high school libraries across the land. Thank you, David Becks!!!!!!! 

Anyways, yes, after causing a seismic shift in America re: soccer, he's hanging up his presumably amazing-scented jockstrap. Hmm. (tumbleweeds rolling by)

The Office Celebration night

Via BUZZFEED:

59 Reasons We're Going to Miss The Office

15 Things We're Gonna Miss About Dwight Shrute.

His business savvy.

Great Line from The Office

Dwight Jr: "Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week."