Yes, This DOES Make Me Better Than You.

State du Moi

The latest overly dramatic ASPCA commercial officially has me rooting against the dogs. I mean, for fuck's sake already.

A Die Hard Movie I'd Like to See

(OPENING CREDITS)

1 minute in: Terrorists attack.
2nd minute in: John McClane gets called in to save the world.
3rd minute in: McClane squinting his eyes at the camera and lighting a cigarette says something inspiring/droll etc like "Someone picked a bad day to get John McClane outta bed."
2 seconds later: McClane steps on a bomb planted by the terrorists, explodes to bits.

(END CREDITS)

In Case You Didn't Already Think Millenials Sucked Enough

Apparently they hate Bruce "The Boss' Springsteen:

1. He’s old.
2. He sucks.
3. He sucks because he’s old.
4. He’s old because he sucks.
5. He sings about being a member of the working class even though he’s made millions and millions of dollars over the past 30 years
6. “Born in the USA” sucks.

So to those born between the releases of “Tunnel of Love” and “Tom Joad”: please Spotify “The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle.” Get “Darkness on the Edge of Town” while you’re at it (though you can skip “Candy’s Room”), and “Born to Run,” and “Nebraska,” and “The Rising.” Watch a few of his shows on YouTube, then look me in the eye and tell me he doesn’t fit into your life, somehow; that he doesn’t make you feel exhilarated and overwhelmed and joyful and heartbroken and hot-blooded and alive. Because the next time Bruce asks me, “Is there anybody alive out there?” I don’t want to be lying on behalf of my generation when I shout back, “Yes.”

Of course, it's perfectly natural for youngsters (a varicose vein in my leg just popped, yes) to not give a shit about some dude who's 100 years, old, as we saw a while back when Marley took Marley 2.0 to a Bruce show. Money quote:

10:03pm - Marley Jr: "No, really. How much of this do you think we have left?"

"Millenials suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!"

Goddammit. They Got Me.

I'm not made of fucking stone, people.

XMASTIME ANNOUNCEMENT

I have no idea why the colors have changed here. I will fix it. Maybe. Oh who really gives a shit.

50 States, 50 Sandwiches

Listed HERE.

Here's my slices from the group.
Arkansas: Fried Bologna Sandwich
Delaware: The Bobbie at Capriotti’s (hold the cranberry sauce)
Georgia: Ann's Ghetto Burger (hold the ketchup, duh)
Idaho: Chicken Bacon Cheddar Philly
Indiana: The Pork Tenderloin
Iowa: Loose-Meat Sandwich (my thoughts on it, in what was part of the single greatest series of posts on hamburgers ever put on the internet, or anywhere:

I thought that this, like Tom Arnold, was entirely made up by the show Rosanne. I dunno, crumbled ground beef, on a bun? Sure, I guess. Why not. I can't think of any reason not to like it. Bonus points for it being a cool place to take a first date; shit would keep crumbling down on her titties for you to peep at. YOU'RE WELCOME, FELLAHS!!!!)

Kentucky: The Hot Brown (was gonna make an anal sex joke here but decided to take the high  Hershey highway  road, you're very welcome of course.)
Michigan: The Traditional Pasty (Proustian for me, albeit I thought they were Montana?)
Minnesota: The Juicy Lucy (Linus' promiscuous sister bah-dum-bump! and yes, I've mentioned it before:

I have no interest in gnawing on some meat until some white liquid-y stuff shoots out. Unless, of course, it's a dick. But only then. (And if we're "serious.")

And a "Juicy Lucy"? Why, of all burgers, is THIS the one named after a woman? Fascinating homo-guilt psychology going on there.)

Missouri: The St. Paul (done it, h8rz)
North Carolina: Chopped Pork (though might prefer this state sammich. Speaking of sammiches, remember moi? Of course you do:

When I was living in Oxford we went to BB King's restaurant up in Memphis, and when I looked at the menu I saw a section titled "Samitches." While I'm sure I'd used that for "sandwiches" in conversation before, I'd never actually seen it in print and got a tremendous kick out of it, repeatedly laughing about it as the pitchers of what I'm sure was crappy Michalob Lite kept coming and coming. Finally the band goes onstage, and the front man shouts out "What d'yall want?" The response was supposed to be "the blues!", but before everyone could shout that I yelled "samitches!", which cracked up the old, fat black ladies a few tables away. "Get that white boy over here!" they yelled, and I spent the next two hours eating and drinking all I could for free, with everything I said totally cracking them up. It was awesome.)

Oklahoma: Chicken-Fried Steak Sandwich
Why is Pennsylvania's not the fucking cheesesteak?!?!!?
South Carolina: The Bacon of the Month BLT
Tennessee: Hoecake Sandwich

Top 5 Twitters (in no order)

The Onion
Modern Seinfeld 
Neil degrasse Tyson
Bronx Zoo's Cobra
Angry Bobby Flay

Ah, the 80's

In which there were tv shows featuring people sitting around listening to music. Of course.

Larry Bird ????s

Bird's career is (somewhat) book-ended by a pair of big "what ifs"; what if he hadn't left Indiana after only two weeks and had been on the team that lost only once over the next two years and still remains the last team to finish a season undefeated, and what if Len Bis hadn't died and was the next big piece to the great '86 Celtics team?

7 Things I Like Right Now

1. Moone Boy
2. R.E.M's Life & How to Live It
3. Watching idiots try to explain that MLK was, and would be today, a Republican
4. Billy Ray Cyrus in the Hannah Montana movie
5. Bulleit Bourbon's bottle
6. My new pink Oxford shirt (shoutout to Fashion Herald)
7. When, in 2013, people use the word "dummy." Cracks me up. "You dummy." Ha!

Speaking of Comedy Roasts

My favorite of all time has to be this one with Patrice O'Neal, who throws out his notes and just spends his time telling everybody what assholes they are. Awesome.

Roast Deez Nuts

Comedy Roasts used to be an evening of comedians/celebrities who loved each other ripping each other to shreds.  Think Don Rickles on Dean Martin.  Then it devolved into some comedians making fun of their quasi-troubled, C-list celebrity friends.  Then it devolved further into a set group of comedians making fun of troubled celebrities.  Then it devolved even further into a set group of comedians FULLY ADMITTING THAT THEY HAD NEVER MET THE "HONOREE" launching into a scripted "roast" of whichever celebrity happened to show up.

And now, the nadir: some guy that's rich and famous enough to demand people that couldn't give two shits about whether he lives or dies but need the publicity "roast" him, so that he can get hours and hours of publicity for his pretend presidential run and reality shows. - XMASTIME

Thankfully, James Franco may be putting an end to this.

50 Years Ago Today

Some notes on Bayard Rustin:

Naegle’s voice cracks and he tears up when he says, “Bayard was willing to stand up for people — even though they had mistreated him — if it was a matter of principle.”

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “can't you find a way to tie this story to yourself, AND high school football??!?!?"

Sigh. Yes, faithful followers. Of course I can.

The Replacements Reunion

A coupla years HERE I posted a video from the Pleased to Meet Me days which fit nicely into the day's "it gets better" theme; today, I'm reminded of it because of this:

What’s crucial to consider about this reunion is how these aren’t only the biggest crowds Westerberg or The Replacements have faced in their 30+ year career, but their most devoted. That’s a sigh of relief for the band. Years back, while promoting Pleased to Meet Me, Westerberg once discussed the strange dichotomy of his rabid fanbase, observing: “The record is one thing. The live performance is a total other deal. That’s the way it’s always been, and that’s, I think, our basic problem. The people who love our records — the slow material, the quiet songs — are the ones who hide in the back. And the ones who come up front are the ones who like the loud, raucous stuff. But the ones we really like are the ones who are too afraid to come up and say hello.” Today, everyone’s fighting to get up front, not only to say hello, but to experience the records they’ve made part of their lives.

As much as we all love The Replacements, it shouldn't be too hard for us to remember that their entire career was enveloped in the Amer-indie/post-pink/whatever chapter of American rock in which the whole scene was basically the equivalent of the record store clerk who chortled because you bought Document; getting to see them exhale a sigh of relief along with a crowd that is rooting for them after all these years is a breath of fresh air. Because the songs will live long after them, and long after us, and it's time we celebrated the songs along with them while we can.

If not then fuck it, click the link to hear about my gig cutting the goddam DMV grass.That's pretty awesome too.

Sad, Really.

I just stumbled upon the final Henry Blake MASH episode.

Which, of course, should remind you of when another "Oooooh, I can be a star all on my own!!" moment took place.

Fucking idiot.

Superslice du Jour

I've loved this song since it came out almost 20 years ago,, and always I thought the chorus was "I used to be in love, now I'm just attracted." Turns out it's "I used to be a nerd, now I'm just a turkey."

Fuck it, I like mine better  :)

But what a super-slice!

Also: the whole album is great.

The Internet's An Amazing Thing

Of course you can already hear the entire Replacements show HERE. You know, just like when I was a kid.

Shouldn't the Dial Be More to the Left?

It's All Coming Together Now...

First The Replacements are back. Now Jeter is back.

Might I now dare to dream about the return of my letter jacket?

Finally.

This happened:

There was just so much heart. There was so much earnestness. They were silly and irreverent but yet they were all very very very sincerely glad to be on that stage and playing, it was so obvious and bright that it shone to outer space. There was no irony on that stage. It was very real, and very sincere, and very welcomed.

1. “Takin’ a Ride”
2. “I’m in Trouble”
3. “Favorite Thing”
4. “Hanging Downtown”
5. “Color Me Impressed”
6. “Tommy Gets His Tonsils Out”
7. “Kiss Me On the Bus”
8. “Androgynous”
9. “Achin’ to Be”
10. “I Will Dare”
11. “Love You ‘Til Friday”
12. “Maybellene” (Chuck Berry cover)
13. “Merry Go Round”
14. “Wake Up”
15. “Borstal Breakout” (Sham 69 cover)
16. “Little Mascara”
17. “Left of the Dial”
18. “Alex Chilton”
19. “Swingin’ Party” (“Special request from our friend Slim back home”)
20. “Can’t Hardly Wait”
21. “Bastards of Young”

22. “Everything is Coming Up Roses” (From ‘Songs For Slim’ EP)
23. “IOU”

Well. This Is Cool.

Tommy Stinson goes to the house he grew up in, ie the Let It Be house.

“When you’re in it and itʼs part of your daily life—youʼve got your friends, you walk around, you go do your shit, you go to the bar, Hums, whatever, you hang out with your family—itʼs not like you have this sort of surreal existence. Itʼs just regular life to us,” Stinson said at one point. “We didnʼt have any clue about that. Itʼs like, ‘Letʼs go make some racket, Paul. Let’s go beat it up.’”

Genius.

Advice for A-Rod from...Costanza.

Why Was Mick Jones Not Brought Into the Occupy Movement?

Superslice du Jour

One Day, the Universe Will Catch Up To Me (But Prolly Not)

Some dude over at Salon makes the case that companies have used the recession as an excuse to downsize their workforces, whether they needed to or not, making people feel lucky they even got what they did while the peeps at the top saw their bottom line become more delish.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you say the exact same thing FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO??!?!?"

Sigh. Yes. Yes I did.

For Op

The Best of Aunt Pat

I've always said that before they die, everyone should have a chance to listen to my Aunt Pat talk. Which they can do HERE.

You're welcome, Earth.

My favorite Aunt Pat moment came just over 10 years ago; my Grandma May had died at age 95 and we were up for her funeral. I stayed the night in the house she had lived for most of her life, the last 60 of which had been with my aunts Pat and Eileen (don't ask). The morning of her funeral, Aunt Pat stuck her head into my room:

Aunt Pat: You want some breakfast?
Me: Sure, that'd be great.
Aunt Pat: How about some scrambled eggs?
Me: Oh yeah, definitely.
Aunt Pat: With some bacon?
Me: I love bacon!
Aunt Pat: You want some toast?
Me: Yeah.
Aunt Pat: White, or Jewish rye?
Me: Jewish rye.
Aunt Pat: So it's scrambled eggs, bacon, and Jewish rye toast?
Me: Sounds great.
Aunt Pat: It does. Make it your goddam self, I'm in mourning.

And just like that she walked back through the door, leaving me howling with laughter.
It's the same thing my mother would have done, or myself. And it still cracks me up.

I Believe You Have That Backwards.

(Via.)

It's Just Occured to Me...

...that we are currently enjoying the longest stretch in American history without a president dying in office; the most recent being, of course, 50 years ago this November 22.

Namez.

A few years ago I mentioned about the fact that my father, brother and I all shared names with much more famous men than ourselves. And now I can add Sistatime! into the mix, thanks to Sarah Wilson, who was the first female war correspondent when she wasn't too busy being Winston Churchhill's aunt.

For Cheesesticks

The Eagles Paradox.

As I reiterated a few weeks ago, The Eagles were fucking terrible.

However, just as The Sports Guy and his fans, me and my friends can't stop watching the fucking documentary on Showtime. Unreal.

Bruce & Jimmy

One of the funniest things on tv in the last decade was Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen joining Jimmy Fallon's Neil Young for Whip My Hair. It's piss-my-pants-funny, and maybe even better is Jimmy telling the story behind it (apparently, on some local news station wtf?)

ED. NOTE: Jimmy surely means the 1975 Born to Run tour, not the 1978 Darkness on the Edge of Town one every time he says "1978."

Mind?

Blown.

I Still Don't Know Why

Seems Like Old Times isn't way more famous.

This Is What Happens When You Cross Derek Jeter

Fourteen years ago, Chad Curtis went after Derek Jeter, accusing him of being chummy with A-Rod during a brawl between the Yankees and Mariners (back when Alex was on the Mariners, obvi.)

Jeter has bided his time for almost a decade and a half, and now he's gotten sweet, sweet revenge thanks to Curtis getting sent to prison for dicking around with teenage girls.

Don't.

Fuck.

With.

El.

Capitano.

Oh, Becky!

Ohoh...the episode where Becky talks to Jackie about birth control is on. High tide for Becky #1, mini-skirt flappin in the breeze, 1989 bob in the hair. Or hairbob, halebop, however you call it. I found out one night on Larry King she lives in Red Hook and is VERY single. Of course I tried to call her up, no luck. Seriously, when is someone gonna write a show or movie for the two Beckys? Have a show where they interchange every few minutes, but no one ever acknowledges it, driving the viewers crazy. Or the two of them living together in the big city as roommates. "Hi Becky!" "Hi Becky! Thanks again for shaving my pussy!" "Sure! You done with my Patricia Cornwall book?" "Sure! Here!" etc etc. Brokeback Becky, maybe? Or they can sit around and cry to each other about Mark dying in real life....until they're confronted with a 3-ton great white shark!!! anyways. I'm not giving up on the 2 Beckys idea.- XMASTIME

Turns out that OB (Original Becky) never watched the Roseanne finale, and had no idea Dan had died. Wtf?

Elvis in the ground, a bottle of beer tonight....

I vaguely remember Elvis' death, mostly I remember my Elvis trading cards from the country store down the road and my mother for years afterwards shaking her head, moaning wistfully that no matter how fat/crazy etc he was by the end, "he never lost that voice." Elvis was never Chuck or Buddy or Little Richard, but that voice, that voice that voice that voice. - XMASTIME

Books That Will Change Your Life

Buzzfeed lists 32 Books That Will Actually Change Your Life.

If I had to pick 5 books that actually changed my life, they'd be:

The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences and Observations of Peter Leroy - Eric Kraft
The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Without Feathers - Woody Allen
Collected Plays - Neil Simon
American Tragedy - Theodore Drieser

Well. And

Paddys Lament - Thomas Gallagher
Swann's Way - Proust
Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
Poverty: A History - Bronislaw Gereinek
Robert Kennedy: His Life - Evan Thomas
Ethan Fromme - Edith Wharton
Manhunt - James Swanson
Walking with the Wind -  John Lewis

Did You Really Think You'd Get Through the Day...

...without my classic August 16th post?

HA!

The Meadowlands

I mentioned Bruce's 10-show run in the Meadowlands earlier tonight; it was also during that stretch that Xmastime buddies Dave & Serge joined him for a rousing Raise Your Hand. Awesome.

Goals. I Have Them.

I'd like to do a documentary, complete with laugh track, on Townes Van Zandt entitled Hey Buddy, Lighten the Fuck Up Already.

A-Rod H8'n

As you already know, I am an A-Rod defender. Have been for years. And am furious with MLB/Selig for their hypocricical bullshit.

More so, I've become fairly shocked with the way announcers have been comfortable trashing A-Rod during games - some shithead the other night (Rick Sutcliffe, maybe...I hate not having Kay/Singleton etc every night) actually said A-Rod's passing Stan Musial in career RBI made him want to throw up. So much for an objective broadcast. And hey, what if kids are watching? I mean, the children,  who's gonna save the chiiiiiiildren!??!?!!!!!!!!

However.

I do give Boston a pass. Chowderheads, and ONLY Chowderheads, in my eyes, have free reign to mercilessly soak it all in. This is funny.

Nowhere To Run Aint Got Nowhere to Go

Can we please stop with the reviews of every single Springsteen concert? I mean, how the fuck do these people do it - night after night, they pull their hamstrings doing gymnastics to explain to us how THIS show was the most transcendent, soul-moving, emotional, greatest show ever in the history of rock.

Look, we get it - he's awesome. And the shows are awesome. But how many times can we say this? Can't we simply put up a GONE FISHIN' sign up when it comes to reviewing these shows, and assume that YES, if there was a Springsteen show it was beyond crazy incredible and the whole band gave 110% and somehow pulled up something extra when the crowd needed to be lifted, once again? Please? - XMASTIME

Guy here posts about the 10-show run at Giants Stadium 10 years ago. Op & I went to three of them, along with Bayonne Mike. Curiously, the guy actually points out one show as being a disappointment, which is something I've never witnessed in the internet world:

The Saturday night special we were all hoping for turned into a Saturday night dud. Bruce just didn't seem to be in a good mood and it showed. The 23-song show (Wow, only 23! Most shows these days are in the 30 range) began with a tour premiere of "Adam Raised a Cain" but just never really got going. 

I was at the show the next night, and I remember being a bit put off by Downbound Train being the opener. Most of all, I'll always remember this show because I ate 8 hot dogs throughout the course of it. And they were fucking awesome. Also awesome is Bruce finally acting like I wanted him to (see previous Xmastime link, even I don't have the chutzpagh to link to the same post twice in one post, surprisingly):

JUST ONCE, I'd like to see a Springsteen review that included things like:

- he looked miffed about having to be there
- do these guys even know each other?
- he mailed it in...again.
- someone slightly flubbed the intro to Born to Run so Bruce said "fuck it," ended the show
- Bruce kept looking at his watch
- "Give to the local Food Bank, or don't, what the fuck do I care I'm fucking loaded."
- "Quit singing along, you're fucking me up"

And on and on. THEN I'd be interested in reading it. Otherwise, ugh.

"Jesus, you people make me fucking sick."

Blackout

The NYC blackout of 2003 was 10 years ago today. It's one of the events I'll always remember re: the uniqueness of the place and how it seemed to bring everybody together - still does, really.

I've decided that the people from the 1977 blackout could pretty much beat the shit out of us from the 2003 one. I mean, those dudes were looting and raping and burnt down Bushwick while having to worry about the Son of Sam capping them. In 2003 we all got drunk off free beer from the bars ("it'll go bad in the taps; drink! no ice, drink!" and free food from the bodegas ("the food will spoil! eat! eat!") I'm surprised Bloomberg didn't pass out free kittens to all of us for being such great, orderly citizens. What a bunch of pussies. Maybe we are heading back towards a more 1950's NYC. A time, as The Barber once said, "When Whites Ruled Brooklyn."

About Pussy, Apparently.

The Riddle of the Enigma That is Moi

I've never seen a Woody Allen movie anywhere near as funny as Without Feathers.  - Xmastime

While Without Feathers is a supersplice of superslices, I can't say I've ever bothered watching Woody Allen movies. I've seen Manhattan and Annie Hall, but can't say I thought one thing or another about wither one.

And yet I'm curious about seeing his latest, only because Andrew Dice Clay is in it. So.

Fatty's Correct.

Today Mike Francesa called Bill Madden out today on the media's obsession with burying A-Rod, but nobody else who's done 'roids. I'm particularly pleased Fatcesa has joined me in calling out Bud Selig for being the hypocritical piece of shit that he is and always been.

Chick Gets Okay from Dad to Be a Whore; Just Like all the Hot Teachers Fucking Students Now Where Were These People Back When I Was Young

When asked about his daughter getting to the age where she's going to start dating, Charles Barkley said, "I figure if I kill the first one, word will get out." - XMASTIME

THIS ARTICLE HERE has to be the first time I've ever sen a father wish good sex upon his daughter:

I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.

Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.

I'll never have a daughter so I'll never hafta worry about such a thing, but this is very interesting, and the kind of open honesty that seems to only exist because the internet does.

Meanwhile, I'll also never hafta worry about being scared of a girlfriend's father either:

I'm pretty sure I'll never hafta go through any of the ol' "scared of the girlfriend's father" nonsense in this lifetime. I'm 35 now. And let's face it - I'm such a loser jerkoff of a mess that even if I started getting my shit togther right now, I'd prolly be 38 by the time I got a girlfriend worthy enough of bothering to meet her folks. And if I ever do get my fer-shizzle together I'll definiely be the king of the beach so I'll most like be tapping some 24 or 25 year old ass. Which would make her father about 6 or 7 years older than me. I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the respectful, you're so scary routine with some fuckwad who just barely remembers Kristy McNichol having a career more than myself.

"Xmastime, it's a pleasure to finally meet you."
"Yeah, cool, Ron."
"Um...that's Mr. Clayton to you, Xmas."
"Yeah...hey Ronny does her mother queef as much as this one? fucking christ." (feet on table, spitting out lone sunflower seed)

Stokes!

SI has it's 100 Best Michael Jordan photos of all time, and here's one from his UNC days against UVa (back in the Dark Ages: When Virginia Hoops Mattered), and also in the picture is Ricky Stokes. Stokes' older brother of course is Bobby Stokes, who was on the 1976 UVa team that is still, incredibly, the only Vriginia team to win the goddam ACC Tournament.

More impressively, Bobby played high school ball in the Northern Neck District; I can still see his wing of the trophy case in the lobby whenever we'd go to King William.

And yes, faithful reader, it was against KW that I scored more than half out points in one game. Jeez, you're embarrassing me! if you pointed out the time I got burned by Stephen King...twice.

Xmastime is Calling the Next Meme: Hideki Kuroda Is a Character from Star Wars

I can't think of the name, but you can see it, right? Via.

Please Hollywood! Please Please Please!!!

Although you do know that I do not subscribe to the theory that grunge killed hair metal (full disclosure: I give zero fucks about either genre), can we PLEASE have a sequel to Rock of Ages in which Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are baffled/horrified at the onset of grunge bands? Please?!?!!?!?

You Need to Get your Ass to Hulu

And watch the fuck outta Moone Boy.

Mo' Money

There's an article at Salon today 8 Signs the Rich Have Way Too Much Money. One of its points is that billionaires aren't always the "best and the brightest":

Billionaires love to believe our society is a meritocracy, where the most talented become the most wealthy and successful. Of course, they would say that...There’s “You didn’t build that,” and now we can add “You didn’t think of that.” And even the brightest billionaire’s success includes a lot of lucky accidents. (And we haven’t even begun to talk about the heirs and heiresses yet.) 

Of course this echos what I said years ago myself:

...the need to feel like an oppressed underdog who has succeeded against all odds is as American as apple pie.  Nobody likes to admit out loud "part of my success is due to economic and social conditions cemented long before I was even born"; we must be made to believe that Successful Person X was left to die in a dumpster, then pulled himself up by his own bootstraps. Nobody inherited money or their company, everybody started out the same as everyone else, with nary an advantage, be it the color of their skin or the crotch they were torn out of.

Another point in the article is that the ultra-rich don't understand why people resent them. In the same Xmastime post, I wonder why rich people even feel the need to haves some publicity campaign:

One thing America is fascinated by is the ruling class of the uber-wealthy, and the more uber-wealthier they get the more we're fascinated by them, and yet they always feel like they have to win some public relations war for our affection that doesn't exist, be it corporations crying foul on being asked to pay taxes, or NFL owners having to swallow only making a trillion dollars a day. 

To me, the one thing that shows we have too much money is our toilet paper:

2) I think a good barometer of how much money we misspend in this country is the fact that toilet paper has different colors and patterns. What is this for? You know there’s some companies whose sole job is to spend millions on figuring out the market etc “people like blue”. What the fuck. I mean, is there anything else we have ever created that has a more ignominious ending as a piece of toilet paper? You spend your life in the dark, rolled up tight with the other guys, and then the second you finally see the light of day BAM!!! You’re being scraped against someone’s asshole having shit smeared on you. The bottom line is always the same, yet for some reason we’re compelled to have different colors/patterns etc. “I’ll spend the extra 20 cents a roll if there’s sailboats on my tp.” Camon.

Big Bear, Husky & Cherry Bomb

Now this is a scary effing gang. Don't mess with these kids - just keep on walking, like you don't want no trouble. Elsewise, they will be happy to find it for you. They actually remind me of my old gang, back in the 70s. Yikes.

Baseballz.

Baseball plays like 17 million games a year and has done so for about 900 years, and yet there still shit that happens that's never happened before. Such as, for instance, a Motley Crue song fucking up a pitcher's delivery. Wow.

I Knew It.

Well. Isn't Thia Interesting, El Capitano.

Derek Jeter can't be bothered to play any games for the Yankees, but he's got plenty of time to go on Jimmy Fallon and clown around about at-bat music. Of course.

Previous Xmastime on the ass-crushingly awful walk-up music for Yankee hitters.

Well. This Is Amazing.

A few years ago I wrote about a Jerry Lewis film that almost killed him and was never released, The Day the Clown Died:

Doork is given the job of putting new prisoners on the train to Auschwitz, the Nazi concentration camp. Like the Pied Piper, he leads a group of children on to the train; at the film’s conclusion, he leads kids to their death in the gas chamber. He goes to entertain the kids, but feels remorse, so he steps inside the gas chamber to join them. The movie ends with Doork inside the gas chamber, the children laughing with him.

Suddenly, some footage of the film have been posted on YouTube. The internet's amazing, amirite? Not as amazing as popping up with my first-ever varsity football game, but still. When is this movie finally gonna be released?

Mukluks: New Haven Drew.

Oh, Virginia. Sigh.

After leaning towards joining the 21st century in the 2008 & 2012 elections, my home state of Virginia has decided to once again make itself look like backwoods-ass hicks by ta-da! setting up some 15-foot rebel flag so the world can see how stupid it is.

The whole thing about Southerners clinging to the Confederate flag seems to be a unique thing in the world. And it's usually this "argument":

“I think that society has allowed us to become almost ashamed to our heritage because of the mistruths that are taught,” she says. “Some people want to put a stigma on one flag and rather than stand up and say this flag is my great, great grandfather’s flag.”

I mean, I just don't get the feeling there's a lot of people in Germany demanding to wave around swastikas because of their grandfathers.

SSSSSaaaaaaamokin'!

In kindergarten & elementary school, there was nothing more exciting that when you'd be caviled to an assembly…your feet would dangle above the floor as you sat in those fold-up stadium seats built during the 1930s (probably) and then VOILA!…onstage would walk Smokey the Bear. You know, a six-foot tall bear wearing a hat and dungarees. Of course. You'd get a big speech about how only us could prevent forest fires, and more importantly you got a plastic bag with, among other things I can't remember, an incredibly flammable wooden ruler. Of course. Together, with this bear dressed as what I would now say to be a male stripper ("does SOMEone need a hose?"), you were gonna save the planet from burning to death. - XMASTIME

Guess whose birfday is today?

On this date in 1944, Smokey Bear's likeness was first released on posters designed by the United States Forest Service and the Wartime Advertising Council. Perhaps the world's strongest advocate against forest fires, Smokey's been featured in commercials, songs, books and other pop culture iconography over the decades.

You can see 6 vintage PSAs there. Enjoy!

Who Puts This Shit Together?

Most of my life I've thought of The Breakfast Club of being my age's defining movie, but now I realize those kids were an age group too old for me (5-6 years difference does a generation make at that age, after all.) I remember writing a post years ago about the phenomenon that we're more likely to be nostalgic for times that came JUST BEFORE our own, but I can't find it so fuck it.

Unfortunately for me, I'm stuck with Reality Bites, about which I couldn't agree with this statement  any stronger:

few Gen Xers would willingly claim this movie, but they're stuck with it.

Side question - are PCU or Singles a better choice than Reality Bites? - XMASTIME

The movie that might single-handedly define my generation is, in fact, Reality Bites. Kill me now.  - XMASTIME

Meanwhile, over at Salon we see this headline:

Generation X gets really old: How do slackers have a midlife crisis? 
Gutted by the economy, shipwrecked by nostalgia, Gen X stares down a midlife crisis. Winona Ryder can't save it.

And yet the picture right under the headline?

What? With that headline, why wouldn't you show the applicable movie featuring, you know...Winona Ryder? What the fuck?

Amen.

Buzzfeed gets me:

As I said a few years ago:

Is there anything more awkward than when you walk out of your apartment to leave the building and as you're walking down the hallway, someone else on your floor pops out into the hallway, and you see each other, and you're the one that's closer to the door and so now you gotta fucking figure out if the two of you are far apart enough where you can just cruise on down without worrying about being polite and holding the door, or if you're at a distance where society dictates you slow down and do the ol' hold the door open routine? Ugh. Brutal. Just happened to me, and I used the "slow down while looking as if you're still walking the same speed so they can close the gap and it's a natural hold the door open, not a stand there for a few seconds holding the door open with an outstretched arm looking like a douche hold the door open" choice. So I hold the door open, he walks through with an "oh, thanks!" And we start walking, me two steps ahead the whole time, and we have two more doors to go. Now's the part that drives me bananas - he has to do the dance where he thanks me at EVERY door. "Oh, thanks!" Hey fuckwad, it's bad enough you have to thank me every time, you certainly don't have to act surprised each time too. "Oh, thanks!!" Like, you know, "oh, you're still here? 14 inches in front of me? Great!" For fuck's sake. I know society dictates he thank me each time, and I would do the same, but between that and the original door decision, that's a lot of fucking brainwork for 47 fucking steps. Man.

Garfield Du Jour

Ribz.

Some jerkoff HERE claims to have a list of the best ribs in the US. I of course invalidate this bullshit list because it doesn't include THE greatest ribs on the planet, The Rendezvous in Memphis.

Tho mentioning Memphis dos, of course, remind me of a great night:

When I was living in Oxford we went to BB King's restaurant up in Memphis, and when I looked at the menu I saw a section titled "Samitches." While I'm sure I'd used that for "sandwiches" in conversation before, I'd never actually seen it in print and got a tremendous kick out of it, repeatedly laughing about it as the pitchers of what I'm sure was crappy Michalob Lite kept coming and coming. Finally the band goes onstage, and the front man shouts out "What d'yall want?" The response was supposed to be "the blues!", but before everyone could shout that I yelled "samitches!", which cracked up the old, fat black ladies a few tables away. "Get that white boy over here!" they yelled, and I spent the next two hours eating and drinking all I could for free, with everything I said totally cracking them up. It was awesome.

 And I do love the ribs 'n shit at Brothatime!!'s annual fall-fest.

Why You Need to Stop Worrying and Love Rock of Ages

Alec Baldwin & Russell Brand: I've mentioned before that these two need to get their own spinoff from this movie. They're amazing together. Of course Alec Baldwin is just flat-out funny whatever he does, and every line if his here is LOL-funny. My favorite (Baldwin is club owner Dennis):

Dennis Dupree: [after Dennis has accepted Drew's band as Arsenal's opening act] Okay. Call your band.
Drew Boley: [yells to Bourbon Room employees] Guys! We're opening up for Arsenal!
[Drew's band mates drop what they're doing inside the club, run on stage]
Dennis Dupree: Doesn't anyone just want to work in the bar industry anymore? 

I'm also becoming convinced that Brand should be in every movie that's made, even if only to lurk over peoples' shoulders when on the phone, shouting at them what to say. He could also have a second career introducing bands at shows, as did his character Lonnie:

Lonny: Drew... what's the name of your band, mate?
Drew Boley: Wolfgang Von Colt.
Lonny: ...and you're sticking with that are you?
Drew Boley: Yeah...
Lonny: [to audience] Please welcome to the stage very poorly titled Wolfgang Van Colt!
Drew Boley: ...Von Colt.
Lonny: [to Drew] It's not an improvement.
[to audience]
Lonny: Wolfgang VON Colt! 

and

Lonny: [to audience] Performing on this stage later will be none other than Stacee Jaxx!
[crowd cheers]
Lonny: ...but first! Making their debut on the Bourbon stage, the less important, but still somehow worthwhile...
[uncrumbles piece of paper and reads from]
Lonny: ... Z Guyeez... z?
Lonny: [shrugs] Eh, sure, give it a whirl I suppose.

Paul Giamatti: Giamatti's such a great "real" actor you wonder why he's here, but I can't for the life of me imagine a better balding-yet-ponytailed, obnoxiously gum-chewing grease-bag oil salesman as Stacie Jaxx' agent.Just looking at him gets a spittake.

Tom Cruise: of course the only reason the whole movie even remotely works is Cruise. There is no other major star who could've possibly pulled off such a ridiculous character, rock god-meets-zen Buddhist, and sold it like Top Cat. With typical Cruisian earnestness, not once does he play it with a wink, "lookit me I'm Tom Cruise, aren't I being ironic?" and it works to such a degree that by the end you're actually touched when he (SPOILER ALERT!) returns money to Dennis after realizing his scumbag manager had stolen it from his "brother in rock", and you find yourself happy for Stacie Jaxx when you see he's gotten his shit together. Doing such a thing with what surely was drawn up as an over-the-top joke of a character is a minor miracle, thanks to TC. Which, apparently, I knew a year before I saw the movie.

Looking Forward to This Shit

As if PBS couldn't get any better, they've got a killer run of documentaries coming out this fall, including:

9. 56 Up (October 14): This is the latest installment in Michael Apted’s regular check-ins with a group of British men and women who began the Up series as seven-year-olds, and it marks the fiftieth year of the project. Apted says the process keeps surprising him. He thought this film would find its participants would be “very concerned with mortality,” but that instead, they’re still living full lives. And some of the choices they’ve made have paid off in unexpected ways. “I felt that the participants who’d invested energy and time and family life, in fact, seemed to have a more solid ground to themselves to deal with the rigors of living in the United Kingdom in 2012 and whatever,” he suggested. “As well as others who maybe had chosen more career and ambition and things like that. So I found that very rewarding, that the investment in family had paid off, and I had no idea that that was going to come out. And, you know, it brought a kind of optimism to the film in a sense.”

Portland Wordz?

I've written about the genesis of Portland, one of the greatest Replacements outtakes ever, a while back.

Now, according to a fansite, we see the original handwritten lyrics to the song.

 
I don't know if this is the real thing.. I remember hearing an interview of Paul Westerberg in which he said he never wrote down lyrics to songs, that if he couldn't remember them they weren't any good. Which, of course, coulda just been him being him and bullshitting.

Can't Even Tell

An overlooked Soul Asylum classic, buoyed by an awesome, funny video.

Jeter.

Derek Jeter just tied Lou Gehrig's career hits record for the Yankees. I wonder how many I've seen, watching games on tv. I'd be surprised if it was lower than 2,200, 2,300. As an A-Rod apologist I get (foolishly) frustrated by Jeter devotion, but when he retires I'm gonna cry my eyes out; my Yankee fandom has mirrored his career.  - XMASTIME

Via Buzzfeed, we see 23 Derek Jeter moments that will live forever in our hearts.

22. When Mariano Rivera’s retirement this year reminded you that him pitching to Jeter on Old Timer’s Day in seven years will make you cry like a baby. You have a lump in your throat.

The Incomparable Equals

YES!!!

Dude over at Salon saying what I've been saying for years: the Eagles fucking suck!!!!

Zip it, Chuck Klosterman! Rock critics want you to reexamine the much-hated band. Don't -- they're still loathsome.

Better yet, let's let Marley sum it up via their stunningly beyond atrocious solo work:

No one hates The Eagles more than me, and yet Marley brought it home with shocking clarity tonight that the Henley/Frye solo careers were somehow, inexplicably, EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Here's a rundown of their songs that were HUGE hits in 1980s, each more horrific than the one before:

Down at the Sunset Grill
Heart of the Matter
The Heat is On
You Belong to the City
Boys of Summer
Smugglers Blue
Dirty Laundry
Not Enough Love in the World
All She Wants to do is Dance
The End of the Innocence

Wow. These fucking turds make Boys of Summer sound like A Day in the Life times Bastards of Young. Jesus.In a bet I never would have won, these idiots' fucking output during that time (all of which were HUGE hits) is even worse than I remembered. It's like realizing the Holocaust, which already fucking sucked, was even worse that you'd thought. Wow. Steaming turds, your table is now ready.

Here's Marley playing guess the lyrics, trying to keep a straight face as I did years ago with Pour Some Sugar on Me which is, incredibly, better than any song on the above list!!!

Declarations, by Xmastime

Someone has to say it: Shark week has officially jumped the shark.

The Waltons are Dicks

We like to think of people like The Waltons as humble, aw-shucks folk who are just happy to have their tiny bit of the planet to themselves, without bothering anybody else.  Despite, of course, Grandma Walton being one of the 2 most despicable characters in tv history. Oh yeah, and they're fucking judgmental assholes. Meanwhile, here's the summary of an episode right now, The Star:

When a meteorite falls through the Baldwin sisters' roof, it has strange effects on the people of Walton's Mountain; the sisters are convinced by their cousin Polonius that the star is a sign from their father saying that they should stop making "the recipe", while Grandpa believes he is going to die soon. 

What? First of all, how nice it must be to think the Universe LITERALLY revolves around you.  Yes, if your dead father for some reason wants you to quit making booze in your bathtub then surely, instead of a simple, clear way - such as, say, writing a note 'THIS IS YOUR DEAD FATHER. ENOUGH WITH THE BOOZE. AND YES, I CAN SEE YOU MASTURBATE" - he'll take a star from the sky and hurl it onto your house. Yes, of course. Makes total sense.

As for Grandpa, his feeling of place in the Universe ("Jesus was born under such a star, so obviously I'll die under the same one, since we're basically the same: God") is rather incredibly kicked up to the next level by inexplicably thinking of the meteorite landing on the Baldwin sisters' house not as a sign that one of THEM would die, but him.  Hey, old man: HELLO!!!  - those drunk bitches are just as old as your wrinkled ass, genius! You're not the only old-as-the-hills motherfucker out there pissing dust, asshole!

Fucking hell. The ego on these old fucks.

"Do deez nutz, beyotch!"

Anyone else...

...have no fucking idea what those Bill Hader Verizon commercials are on about?

I Am Oddly Impressed.

For some reason, I'm not as impressed with anything my friends say or do as much as I am when one of them chooses who's about to be kicked off American Idol correctly. If I was in charge of Thomas Jefferson's tombstone and he had said that Alaina Whitaker would get the boot in the round of 10, it'd be right up there with the writing of the Declaration of Independence and the founding of the University of Virginia. And Sherman Hemsley, of course. So when one of my friends hits one out of four, I'm fucking impressed big time. Two outta four, I'm losing my shit a bit and clapping like a seal. 3? A teen girl at Shea Stadium in August '65. As for 4 outta 4, I don't even wanna think about it, my eyes would probably roll into the back of my head and I'd fall to the ground...like it was written long ago, "(s)he that would choose 4 out of 4 shall walk out of the desert to lead them..."  - XMASTIME

I feel the same way about the Ramen burger. Humans do amazing things every day, but this is what makes me stop and gasp "whoa!...we did it."

Word du Jour

Regulate

"I mean, so-and-so did (insert annoying thing here)."
"You best regulate that shit."

Mukluks: Becca.

Goals. I Have Them.

Just once, I'd like to casually drop "oh, you ain't nothing but a raw ramp" matter-of-factly into conversation.

Sigh. Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?

42

Rrthur (YES, ladies, THAT Rrthur) and The Short Bus solve racism (starting at the 2:19 mark.)

Thanks guys!

Breakfast with the Britz.

I brought it up at Book Club the other night but was drowned out by Fashion Herald's bitching about my drinking all her red wine, but what's up with European literature being so into breakfast? I've noticed it in any and all British Victorian lit, specifically Elizabeth Gaskell, who couldn't seem to go two pages without someone eating an egg and piece of toast for breakfast. Meanwhile, one of the most memorable passages of L'Etranger (sorry - The Stranger, you fucking hicks) was Camus sensuously writing about making a fried egg. Staying in France for a a second, Proust mentions breakfast throughout Swann's Way. Finally, one of the first things Heinrich Boll tells us about Leni in Group Portrait with Lady is what she likes to eat for breakfast, an obsession for her the author returns to it throughout the book. So that's England, France and Germany.

Maybe I've always missed it, but I can't seem to remember breakfast playing such a part in American Lit. Is this a European thing? - XMASTIME

Hugh Laurie gets it re: the Brits do know their breakfast.

The First 45 I Ever Bought

Eventually...

...a documentary needs to be made about the uniquely peculiar, long, weird, strange career of Tommy Stinson, right?

Pretentious Notes on Films, by Xmastime

The vast sky in Tender Mercies is a whole character in and of itself.

Too Soon.

What the Hell Happened to Cheri Oteri?

She was a genuinely laugh-out-loud member of SNL, and then she disappeared. Wtf?

Xmastime Classixxx

My name is Xmas and I like hittin' skins
When I get up in dem guts, girl, everybody wins.

My name is Xmas and I like A Tale of Two Cities,
Bobby Darin, chow fun, and a bumpin' on yo titties.

My name is Xmas, and girl u better bring a taser
Cause when I'm poundin' on dat ass it's like Ali beatin' Frazier.

My name is Xmas, and u know that I aint bluffing,
Oh, u can be the turkey, girl, and imma be the stuffing.

My name is Xmas, and I ain't triflin' when I mention
Imma break down that phat ass like a Latin I declension.

Twitter du Jour

Angry Bobby Flay.

Yes, But A-Rod Is History's Greatest Monster

Replacing the Replacements

Among the guesses re: who's gonna play guitar/drums for The Replacements in their upcoming reunion shows are....Dave & Christine from Marah!

Dave and Christine from Marah. Saw them play a similar role for Blue Mountain last year and they were absolutely terrific. Plus Christine's drumming is Grandpaboy-esque…

I for one can vouch for Christine's drumming, she was fucking all killer no filler behind the skins at this Hayday show from 2007, with Dave on bass.

I do like that the first voice you hear is Op's.  :)

In Honor of Shark Week

As you already know, Jaws in one of my top 3 fims of all time. I've seen it oh, 719,000 times. And yet it wasn't until just now I realized that the line isn't "We're gonna need a bigger boat", but "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Hmm. Me: I'm really happening, aren't I? Always evolving...unlike, ironically, sharks.

GOP, Please Don't Go Away1

It's incredible Republican voters are still allowing this to go on.  It's beyond embarrassing.- XMASTIME

Rince Preibus, or whatever, is using whatever excuse he can to see that the 2016 GOP presidential debates aren't aren't on tv in a way that normal humans can watch:

CNN and NBC had better pull the plug on their plans to bring Hillary Clinton to the small screen, or Reince Priebus is threatening to take his 2016 presidential debates and find them another network home.  

This may be the best thing to happen to the GOP, in the same way one keeps outsiders from seeing their crazy uncles at Thanksgiving, but it would be a death blow to comedy. I mean, maybe my greatest post of all time was during a GOP debate. And even as recently as the 2012 one, I had some fucking gems.

AND HERE.

Sigh. DON'T DO IT, REIBUS!!!!!!

Christ, They God Me

I'm not made of fucking stone, people.

Motown

It’s the Same Old Song – The Four TopsOf course you could pick a million Motown slices, but this has always been my super schliiiice. Can still remember as a young buck, maybe 7ish, going out to play catch with my brother. I had to quickly run back into the house to get something, and as I was reaching for whatever it was this came on and I was stunned. That fat rollicking riff, still got a hold on me. Can remember what I was wearing, my brother was wearing (a dress? Hiyooo!) and where I was (bedroom, in front of window looking out on backyard.) Desert island slice.  - XMASTIME

Via Sully we see a joint on Motown, and besides this always-amazing-sounding fact:

Perhaps best of all, the book gives long-overdue praise to the people who were the key to the Motown sound – the house band known as the Funk Brothers, who Gordy refused to credit on album covers until Marvin Gaye’s smash 1971 concept album, What’s Going On. (For an expanded treatment of the Funk Brothers’ story, check out the 2002 documentary Standing In the Shadows of Motown, which opens by stating the astonishing fact that this unknown band played on more #1 hits than the Beach Boys, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Elvis combined.)

I personally had never known this tidbit on probably the greatest songwriting team ever not named Lennon/McCartney or Xmastime/Xmastime, Holland/Dozier/Holland:

“H-D-H’s proficiency won them awards, respect, and money,” George writes. “They should have been happy. Yet bubbling under the surface was the uneasy feeling that, considering all the capital they were generating, all the acts they had helped make marketable live commodities…and the musical identity they had given Motown, maybe they should have been given a bigger piece.”

When that bigger piece wasn’t forthcoming, H-D-H mimicked a practice common to Detroit’s automobile assembly lines. They went into a production slowdown. Gordy, furious, sued them for $4 million for breach of contract in 1968. H-D-H counter-sued for $22 million.

See a list of songs by them HERE. Ridiculous.