Which of THESE did I actually do?
I'd say:
1) HELL yes!
2) No. In my defense, I think I did masturbate while watching Erin Brockovich. Although to be honest I think I'm probably lying, trying to impress you with my bullshit.
3) No.
4) No.
5) Who am I to say? Probably not. I'm not that nice, to be honest.
6) I'm sure, despite my not remotely being in their universe, someone made such a steaming pile as I describe. Or a few.
7) Nope. Fuck you, aging!
8) No. Have softened my stance on what "kissing" is anyways, would prolly just go easy on Grandma now anyways.
9) Regretfully, no. But I'm sexy, not dead. There's still time.
10) No. But they are.
11) Even I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about here. How deep in the heady buzz of sweet, sweet stank WAS I back in those days?
12) Obviously not. Not even close. So.
13) No.
14) No.
15) Oddly enough, yes. Hard to explain.
16) No. I'd be rich by now, and would I really be sitting around talking to you losers?
17) No. I'd be sexually sated by now, and would I really be sitting around jerking off to you losers?
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Memories: November
Friday, November 05, 2010
Fuck You!
Apparently my old high school is having an Alumni basketball game, and fuck them if they think I'm going. Why? Because when you're a fucking cherished piece of EHS basketball history as I am, when you were once an absurdly gifted skywalker who almost delivered a win in the 1988-89 campaign and they don't get down on their hands and knees and BEG you to come back and put on one more clinic of assassin-like shooting and heroics above the rim, you tell them to go fuck themselves. I mean, do they NOT remember me scoring over half our points against King William? Or the greatest walk of all time? Do these motherfuckers have no respect for the hero of the greatest game ever played? What the fuck? This is how you treat your heroes? Really?
2010 Memories: October
Monday, October 25, 2010
My Befuddled Life.
On two separate occasions yesterday while walking home I stopped upon seeing a large group of people gathered together looking in the same direction and wondered "hey, what's everybody looking at?" And both times, after about a minute, I realized "oh....this is a bus stop."
Sigh.
2010 Memories: October
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
February 9, 1958:
The last day anyone ever saw Larry Bird smile.
2010 Memories: September
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Line from The Sopranos I'd Like to Hear Happen in Real Life
"Xmastime? Oh, he's in the back getting his weasel greased."
Sarah Palin Facebook Alert
That sound you hear is the scrambling of Sniffy Wiffy's Facebook typing monkeys, spurred into heights of ecstasy over THIS NEW LEVEL OF ASS-DUMBNESS brought on by Neocons ("like the old cons, except even MORE worthless!") wherein we're supposed to pine for the warm, fuzzy days of the Cold War.
Sniffs must be an incredibly misinformed, sexy-ass pig in shit over this one, since it allows her to sound the battle stations re: "Iran is CRAZY!! we have to BOMB THEM OFF THE FUCKING PLANET!!!" PLUS some nice, racist rhetoric about Obama being a clueless appeasing pansy, AND, the one that's really gonna set off her fingerblasting, she gets to tie it all up in a nice red bow about how Saint Reagan singlehandedly wrestled the Russian Bear to the ground using only his iron nutbag and the righteousness of Capitalism. I'm guessing the only reason we haven't seen the inevitable 9000 word post so far is she's trying to find an angle to also tie in Baby Jesus coming down and stuffing cupcakes into kid's fat mouths because Michelle Obama is a Marxist.
Go Sniffy, go!!!!!
Sniffs must be an incredibly misinformed, sexy-ass pig in shit over this one, since it allows her to sound the battle stations re: "Iran is CRAZY!! we have to BOMB THEM OFF THE FUCKING PLANET!!!" PLUS some nice, racist rhetoric about Obama being a clueless appeasing pansy, AND, the one that's really gonna set off her fingerblasting, she gets to tie it all up in a nice red bow about how Saint Reagan singlehandedly wrestled the Russian Bear to the ground using only his iron nutbag and the righteousness of Capitalism. I'm guessing the only reason we haven't seen the inevitable 9000 word post so far is she's trying to find an angle to also tie in Baby Jesus coming down and stuffing cupcakes into kid's fat mouths because Michelle Obama is a Marxist.
Go Sniffy, go!!!!!
FUCK Yes!
Xmastime Person of the Year
What can she possible do in 2011 to top these achievements? Unless it's world peace or making my fake titties on plyboard idea happen, I really don't see how it's possible. But godspeed, Mrs. X.
Delusions. They're Handy.
Nobody as broke, unsuccessful, fat, ugly, or stupid as myself should spend as much time every day remarking to himself "YOU, sir, have got it going on" as I do. Wtf?
2010 Memories: July
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Take a Breath
I appear to be a tad cranky today. So here's a picture of cute puppy to lighten me up a bit.
Oh, fuck this asshole too.
2010 Memories: July
Monday, July 26, 2010
Anatomy of a Softball Sunday
6:38am: Text Op: Drinking in the am. A nex [sic] low.
12:39pm: wake up. Have 21 minutes to shower and get to softball field. Am told I will be playing for first time since 2004. Hmm.
1:00pm: boo Favorite Playah as lineup is read out loud.
1:06pm: first container from the Nest.
1:11pm: refuse to give ball back to pitcher from 1B; hurl it down on the ground instead.
1:16pm: next container from Nest
1:22pm: crush ball foul down lf line in first at bat in 6 years. "I still got it," I say to myself.
1:23pm: 3-1, announce to everybody "hitter's count!"
1:24pm: strike out swinging. Maybe 9 seconds later, ball crosses plate.
1:25pm: removed from game
1:26pm: next container from the Nest
1:26-2:40pm: gobsmacked that a girl on the bench has no idea what Angela on Who's the Boss? did for a living.
3:00pm-?pm: 92,000 beers drunken.
12:30am: decide to try a "booty text"
12:40am: have received 3 different texts from three different numbers asking "Who are you?"
1:06am: texts Op "do you have ______'s pjhone number?"
Today's Xmastime Poll
Which recent NY Jets sexual harassment victim would you rather bang: Jenn Sterger or Ines Sainz?
I thought I'd say Sterger, but, I must say, that is a helluva a turdcutter on the right. Gotdam. I bet she can dial a phone with that thing.
I thought I'd say Sterger, but, I must say, that is a helluva a turdcutter on the right. Gotdam. I bet she can dial a phone with that thing.
HAPPY BIRFDAY KDAWGGY!!!
:)
Here she is trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(
Xmastime: So then I took Op's head, stuck it in the john and flushed!
Kdawggy: Hahahahah!! You're so much sexier in the 1920s!!!!!
Xmastime: Lemme ask you something, baby - is my old-fashioned gonna walk here by itself?
Kdawggy: Hahahahah!! You're so much sexier in the 1920s!!!!!
Xmastime: Lemme ask you something, baby - is my old-fashioned gonna walk here by itself?
Here she is trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(
2010 Memories: June
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Xmastime Slightly Tinkers with Harry Dean Staunton's Lines in a Scene from Pretty in Pink
Andie: It happened. He asked me.
Dad: And?
Andie: I accepted.
Dad: Well, congratulations. You’ll love taking it up the shitter, just like your mother.
Andie: No more moping around the house waiting for the telephone to ring.
Dad: Nah, too much ass gettin' twisted for that. So, you think you’ll let him ride bareback?
Andie: Yeah, I think I am.
Dad: That's hot. Well, who is this guy?
Andie: His name's Blane, and he's a senior. He's so beautiful. He's a richie.
Dad: A what-ie?
Andie: A richie. It's kinda stupid. It's just his family has a lot of money.
Dad: Really? Can he give me some? You know, since I like to lounge around the house in my robe all day instead of becoming a productive member of society and supporting my daughter, who stitches together clothes from scotch tape and, if I’m smelling right, horse dung.
Andie: I don't know, it's just weird. His friends have a lot of money and he has a lot of money. He drives a BMW. I just... I don't know... I'm not really sure if they're gonna accept me.
Dad: What does that mean? You like him, he likes you. What his friends think shouldn't make a difference, they’ll still pass you around like a plastic trash fuck doll and ride a train all up on your sweet ass. Hey, guys can be stupid, but they don’t pass up a chance to film a bukkake chilli dog session with a teenager. They’re dumb, not retarded.
Andie: Yeah, but it's my friends too. It's everybody. I'm just not real secure about it.
Dad: Oh, please – your friends aren’t up for some hardcore double-dong shit play? What kind of a little girl have I been raising? Now I'm starting to wonder if that’s why your mother walked out on us.
Andie: Is it?
Dad: Well, isn't it?
Andie: You're right. I'm just overreacting, aren't I?
Dad: What the hell do I care, I’m just trying to get you to notice my little shriveled-up furry balls underneath this tattered robe. Look, just don't worry about it, they’ll probably slip you something in your drink anyways. Wait and see how you feel tomorrow. Good night.
Andie: Good night. Thanks.
Dad: That's my baby. Honey? Wait a minute. Could I ask you something?
Andie: Yeah.
Dad: Sometimes I feel a little sorry that I'm the one you have to talk to about these things.
Andie: I'm not. She couldn't have said it any better than you.
Dad: No, I mean I wish there was someone else to listen to your stupid fucking shit all goddam day long. For fuck's sake, I'm a boozehound without a fucking job, MAYBE you about to go have your first Cincinatti bowtie with an alligator fuckhouse twist isn't the first thing on my goddam mind, you know?
Andie: Good night.
Dad: Good night sweetie.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
2010 Memories: March
Xmastime vs. Marley
line of the year, from Marley?
line of the year, from Marley?
"Actually, I admit that you're intelligible, owing mostly to me"
2010 Memories: February
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Junior Yearbook.
Usually, yearbooks are designed to put a happy face on even the shittiest of sports seasons - football team went 3-7? "Rebuilding - Here We Come Next Year!!!" is an example. Or "Learning Lessons!" You get the idea. Now here are the one-word headlines for each of the three sports I played my junior year of high school:
DISMAL.
FRUSTRATION.
A STEP BACKWARD.
WTF???? Why not pass out loaded guns so we'd shoot oursaelves!?!??
Select lines:
"There were no highlights for the varsity baseball team."
"The varsity boy's basketball team set a school record this year as the first team to go an entire season without winning a game."
"Academic requirements were a problem."
"They started off dismally."
"It was a disastrous season."
Nice.
2010 Memories: January
Thursday, January 28, 2010
One of my best friends in high school took it upon himself to write a single line on every page of my senior yearbook, a veritable list of memories. Here's some of them:
Getting slapped by ________ in the hall.
Getting slapped by ________ in World Geography.
Stephen King toasting you around the end for about 90 yards.
Twice.
Getting slapped by ________ in gym.
Farting with your back on the Dryden's floor.
You spending two years begging Coach to let us play with the cash registers instead of work in mechanical drawing class.
You spending two years begging Coach to let us look at yearbooks instead of work in mechanical drawing class.
Probability: science fair winner.
Gunning at the Chinn Dome.
That mystery girl from King William who kept calling you.
Kentucky Fried Chicken's 10-piece meal.
Super Paul and the hamburger incident. (Xmas note - sounds like a Paul Zindal novel)
You were right, we should've walked home from Lancaster after that game.
You somehow getting everybody to sign your disgusting shoes when they finally fell apart.
Running in the halls and singing American Pie
You making those stupid music rating charts in Study Hall.
That concoction we dared you to eat at Shoney's that for a second we thought had killed you.
Melvin spending the entire government class asking you "awwwwwwww, when you gonna git that pussy?"
You and Croc getting busted behind Sunnyside. Gee, you'd think your "I'm gonna go put the lawnmower away" alibi would be foolproof.
You trying to convince Mr. Saville you couldn't read in class because the air conditioning was broken.
Question, IV
Team Sully HERE asks "What book, album, film or magazine article has made the biggest impact on your life or how you see the world? Why?"
My album HERE. My book HERE. MY movie HERE.
As for magazine article, that's a no-brainer: the Sports Illustrated article on Hoosier Hysteria from 1983 that first opened my eyes to the mania that is Indiana high school basketball, kicking off a lifetime of romanticizing the whole thing, of course culminated in my superslice of superslices, Hoosiers.
I've mentioned that article several times on Xmastime. I've also mentioned that I've never been able to track the article down online. It's the one article ever written in a major magazine that has somehow disappeared, never making an appearance on the goddam internet. You have a better chance of finding a picture online of me typing this post than finding that article. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to wonder if I've made the entire damn thing up. Grrrrr.
My album HERE. My book HERE. MY movie HERE.
As for magazine article, that's a no-brainer: the Sports Illustrated article on Hoosier Hysteria from 1983 that first opened my eyes to the mania that is Indiana high school basketball, kicking off a lifetime of romanticizing the whole thing, of course culminated in my superslice of superslices, Hoosiers.
I've mentioned that article several times on Xmastime. I've also mentioned that I've never been able to track the article down online. It's the one article ever written in a major magazine that has somehow disappeared, never making an appearance on the goddam internet. You have a better chance of finding a picture online of me typing this post than finding that article. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to wonder if I've made the entire damn thing up. Grrrrr.
Oh Oh.
As much as I'm looking forward to 2011 being my year, it's occurred to me that a time will come during that year which will mark a day that will mean that the length of time since I've had a girlfriend is equal to the amount of time it took me to get my first one after appearing from the womb. That's not good.
Perhaps They've Overthought This One.
THIS is rather curious.
Researchers at the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve in Sichuan province, China came up with a gumptious way to help a four month panda cub re-adapt to wildlife.I can understand the thinking behind not wanting pandas to get used to living among humans, but is it really that much worse than leading them to believe that one of them can do things the others can't? What the fuck? Can't you picture the pandas seeing this and thinking "hey, how come Randy can walk on two legs...and carry things...ohmygod, Randy can take his own head off!!!!...heeeeeey, Randy can drive a car? How come we can't? This is fucking bullshit!!!!"
For the success of the reintroduction the baby panda isn’t supposed to come in contact with humans so the researchers had to dress-up as giant pandas in order to do their job.
It's Alllllll Coming Together!
I've been having a feeling that 2011 is gonna be my year. Also, I found myself reiterating to a friend in VA that despite being in the pizza capital of the planet, I sometimes crave Pizza Hut, which is never available anywhere near me. Also, since I'm getting healthy starting on 1/1/11, I decided that over the next 32 hours, I'm gonna eat my face off.
So imagine how happily I am now clicking my heels together upon getting up to get a cup of water and discovering an entire Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza with a "help yourself!" note on the box?
Holy shit - maybe this IS gonna be my year!!!!!!! :)
So imagine how happily I am now clicking my heels together upon getting up to get a cup of water and discovering an entire Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza with a "help yourself!" note on the box?
Holy shit - maybe this IS gonna be my year!!!!!!! :)
Now That's Cheesy
My fantasy shopping at Fresh Direct is funny since in the end it affects exactly nobody, except of course the young lady I would be banging during the time I was otherwise spending while pretending to order groceries online.
But actually having food made and then not picking it up is NOT funny.
But actually having food made and then not picking it up is NOT funny.
A man posing as a member of Bob Dylan's road crew — wearing a Dylan backstage pass after Bobby Z. played a show at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst — ordered 178 pizzas from Antonio's Pizza in the college town and said he'd pick them up later to deliver to the singer and his entourage.Fucking dick (not the good kind, either.)
Workers stayed until 5 a.m. to finish the order, and the New Jersey man never showed. The unidentified prankster, through his lawyer, later agreed to pay the $4,000 tab.
Candidates for Pic d'Anneé
Paddy Mac and Cherry Bomb showing Xmastime some mad props with his signature "I'm #1"! :)
Goals. I Have Them.
I'm considering shopping via Fresh Direct. For one, I feel like it would force me to cook more at home and not eat out all the fucking time (heh heh heh.) Which is good for the wallet and the gut. Also, I've had it with Topps' bullshit.*
Wouldn't it be great if I had $15K to spend? And fucking hell - how genius is my call girl idea?!?!?!?!?! "Flesh Direct"? Camon, people!!!!!!!!
* well, except for Corey. Well, and the greatest confusing exchange since Who's On First?
Wouldn't it be great if I had $15K to spend? And fucking hell - how genius is my call girl idea?!?!?!?!?! "Flesh Direct"? Camon, people!!!!!!!!
* well, except for Corey. Well, and the greatest confusing exchange since Who's On First?
Question, III
Team Sully HERE asks "What book, album, film or magazine article has made the biggest impact on your life or how you see the world? Why?"
My album HERE. My book HERE.
Thinking of a movie that's had much of an affect on me is harder. I've see a million movies, there's always one on tv, but they don't seem to have the staying power that books or albums do. Or maybe they do, who the fuck knows. Here's a list of movies I saw in the last decade, and while some of them are great and I've repeatedly enjoyed them, I don't know if any of them have really affected my life, or way of thinking about or seeing the world. I also lean more towards documentaries when it comes to actually being "moved" - for instance, I doubt I'll see a Hollywood flick anytime soon that means as much to me as, say, the Magic/Bird HBO doc.
Although I do remember storming out of the theater after watching Philadelphia, seething with rage that anyone could be treated that way. I don't really know why, looking back. I'm not really sure it was a great movie to begin with, plus, I was only 20 or 21, so part of it might have had to do with youthful idealism and all that crap. I mean, at the time I was the BMOC and had a hot girlfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on, so it's hard to believe I could really get that worked up about a movie.
Sigh. I was such a good-looking, young idealistic cat. Now I'm just good-looking. And that makes me sad :(
My album HERE. My book HERE.
Thinking of a movie that's had much of an affect on me is harder. I've see a million movies, there's always one on tv, but they don't seem to have the staying power that books or albums do. Or maybe they do, who the fuck knows. Here's a list of movies I saw in the last decade, and while some of them are great and I've repeatedly enjoyed them, I don't know if any of them have really affected my life, or way of thinking about or seeing the world. I also lean more towards documentaries when it comes to actually being "moved" - for instance, I doubt I'll see a Hollywood flick anytime soon that means as much to me as, say, the Magic/Bird HBO doc.
Although I do remember storming out of the theater after watching Philadelphia, seething with rage that anyone could be treated that way. I don't really know why, looking back. I'm not really sure it was a great movie to begin with, plus, I was only 20 or 21, so part of it might have had to do with youthful idealism and all that crap. I mean, at the time I was the BMOC and had a hot girlfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on, so it's hard to believe I could really get that worked up about a movie.
Sigh. I was such a good-looking, young idealistic cat. Now I'm just good-looking. And that makes me sad :(
Xmas Songz
Rolling Stone lists the Greatest Rock and Roll Christmas Songs, and rightly gives Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift for You some love.
Hey look, a coupla fags!
As Darlene Love told Rolling Stone, it took three Jews (Phil Spector, Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich) to write the greatest Christmas song of all time. It's been covered by everybody from U2 to Leighton Meester, but nobody can match Love's emotion and sheer vocal power. As seen here, tune in to The Late Show With David Letterman next week to watch her belt it out, which she's done nearly every year since 1986.It's a pretty solid list - there's nothing like a Christmas song that's actually a great song all by itself, like John Lennon's Happy Xmas (War is Over.) Though I'm a bit miffed at my desert island superslice Do They Know It's Christmas?'s low ranking. Grr.
Hey look, a coupla fags!
Private Dick
"She's smart," Gustafson said Wednesday. "One of her strengths is field interviews and getting information from people."Um, yeah. No shit. If some chick that insanely hot came up and asked me questions I'd tell her anything she wanted to hear. Cheating on my wife? Absolutely. Cracked the Liberty Bell? Shit was too loud, how bout getting out of here, grabbing a drink? If you wanna get serious about interrogating possible terrorists, hire Hooters girls to ask the questions. If they can't get shit out of them, then there's nothing to get, and it can be figured out in about 30 seconds. Do I really hafta think of fucking everything, people?
Heat and War (The Only Things We are Today)
Moi ICI:
I feel the same way about the storming of the Bastille. Any account you read of that day always mentions "and by the way, it was boiling hot." I mean, it's the middle of the goddam summer for fuck's sake. If I was the HFIC, there's no way it woulda happened then. I'd have been like "come on guys, can't this wait til the fall? I mean, it's too fucking hot for this shit today!"
Oh, how different world history would be if it had to deal with my aversion to the sun. Sigh.
Anytime I read about or see a re-enactment of any Civil War battle, it's always in the summer, and 100 degrees. In woolen uniforms. Imagine going outside in such heat in a coupla sweaters and doing ANYTHING, much less walking for dozens of miles and then getting shot at. At the Battle of Monmouth during the Revolutionary War, as many soldiers died due to 104-degree heat as they did to bullets. Vietnam was in the jungle, so it was either 100 degrees or pouring rain. Today our soldiers are in the scorching desert heat of Iraq.
Getting shot at is hard enough; do we really need to do this shit in such hot weather? Tis not for me - Valley Forge, now that's more my style. Hang out in some tents playing cards, snow falling by the foot. If you get into a battle, you don't hafta worry about the heat. Hey, I liked playing football in the cold and snow and hated playing it in the heat, why wouldn't I prefer my wars the same war? It's not rocket science, people.
I feel the same way about the storming of the Bastille. Any account you read of that day always mentions "and by the way, it was boiling hot." I mean, it's the middle of the goddam summer for fuck's sake. If I was the HFIC, there's no way it woulda happened then. I'd have been like "come on guys, can't this wait til the fall? I mean, it's too fucking hot for this shit today!"
Oh, how different world history would be if it had to deal with my aversion to the sun. Sigh.
Shut Up and...Oh, Just Shut the Fuck Up
Sully is having an end-of-the-year vote for the "Shut Up and Sing" category HERE
The gist: "the worst pop song designed to reflect a profound moral conscience. I.e. the smuggest, most pretentious pop song in history."
Maybe I'm missing something, but I find myself at a loss re: how the hell Merle Haggard's Okie from Muskogee made it onto this list. Is this a joke? It definitely has a "Which song does not belong on this list?" feel to it. What the fuck?
The gist: "the worst pop song designed to reflect a profound moral conscience. I.e. the smuggest, most pretentious pop song in history."
Maybe I'm missing something, but I find myself at a loss re: how the hell Merle Haggard's Okie from Muskogee made it onto this list. Is this a joke? It definitely has a "Which song does not belong on this list?" feel to it. What the fuck?
Sick (Kind Of)
from:
The only time we'd ever see my dad in his robe was Christmas morning, the one time of the year he'd allow himself to have a cold, always timed perfectly with opening presents. He'd look like a bomb had gone off, wearing a robe that looked like a dog had just dug it up from the backyard and went at it with a cheese grater. Other than that, we never saw any indication that the man slept.The only thing worse than being sick is KIND OF being sick. At least when you’re officailly “sick,” you can fuck it and crawl into bed for two days, watching tv and moaning about how miserable you are while wondering if you’ll ever get an erection again. But being KIND OF sick means you motor around for about two weeks on the verge of getting sick, but still having to actually do shit while people tell you to quit your moaning and groaning. Do people ever use “moaning and groaning” as a euphimism for fucking? I feel like that's a missed linguistic opportunity if we don't. Shame on us, indeed.
Xmastime Regrets
Message for Everyone in NJ Except Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen
People in New Jersey need to quit crying about how lame the snow removal has been. Tough shit - you elected a fat-ass blowhard of a governor who made you bark like seals when he ran on cutting spending, a "return to austerity!!!" Public services don't magically stick around without you paying for them. So if you'd rather that extra 50 cents in your paycheck every week, you have to suck it up and accept that sometimes a big snowfall is gonna delay your trip for a tug job at Kam Sing's House of Fucky-Rucky. I've said it here too many times to bother reposting - instead of falling for this myth one day you'll be living tax-free, demand that since you're paying taxes anyway that they actually be fucking useful to you.
In the meantime, again: grow up, shut the fuck up, knuckle up, tool up, omnibus, I missed the bus, you missed the bus, no smoking on the bus!
In the meantime, again: grow up, shut the fuck up, knuckle up, tool up, omnibus, I missed the bus, you missed the bus, no smoking on the bus!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Buuuuuuuuuuf!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of my memoirs, I mentioned my best friend Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuf!!!'s older brother Wendell HERE:
Side note: the guy 2nd from the right is the older brother of HAROLD CORBIN!
My usual seat was with my best friend Mark Braxton and his older brother Wendell. Jesus, it’s hard to imagine a time when you could sit in one of those seats three across, isn’t it? Today I couldn’t fit my last three fucking Kam Sing deliveries in one of those seats. Ah well. Wendell was in high school when Mark and I were in first grade, so that meant that since we sat with him every day he had to make our lives hell. Wendell was also a really nice guy and none too bright, so unfortunately for him the best thing he could come up with throughout the entire year was to sit on the aisle end of the seat and then refuse to let us out until we were the last ones. Ooooooohhh Wendell, you’re scaring us!!! Dirk Young is in the back inventing reverse racial discrimination and this is the best Wendell can come up with.Hey, here's a picture of him, furthest guy on the left. IE half the size of the other guys. Who, if I recall correctly, were all under 6 feet tall to begin with. Looking at Wendell now, he wasn't quite the behemoth he seemed to be to uBuuuuuuuf! & me in the 1st grade. Hmm. Also, how sexy was our track team? Meow! Wait, what?
Side note: the guy 2nd from the right is the older brother of HAROLD CORBIN!
Speaking of Sunnyside...
...some of you may remember (hahahahahaha!!!) I first mentioned Sunnnyside HERE:
You just don't see fly strips hanging from places of business anymore. And that makes me sad :(
THE COUNTRY STORE: was called Shackleford’s when we moved there. Was a kid’s wet dream; penny candy as far as the eye could see. Do kid’s have wet dreams? I never did, I was never that lucky. I had to work for everything I’ve gotten in this life. Also they had KISS and Elvis bubblegum cards. Then there was a big fire, and it changed hands and became known as “Greys.” Not much really changed, though the new owners for some reason had an obsession with the comic strip “Herman” and had them plastered everywhere, just like the Bible pages stuck everywhere in the dead priest’s room in The Omen. I guess like the priest trying to ward off the devil with the Bible, the owner was trying to ward off laughter by having such a lame comic strip around everywhere. Then eventually it became “Sunnyside.” I will hold my Sunnyside tales for later, though I will mention that after 9-11 the county tried to boycott the place cause a guy who “looked like a terrorist” was working there. Must be a nice moment at the terrorist meeting, right? Assignments being handed out, your buddies get the World Trade Center, the Pentagon etc and you get Sunnyside Grocery in Kino, VA. Killing the infidels one “Kino Dog” at a time, I guess. “This sucks; I should’ve gone to tv repair school like Mom said.”Here's a pic of the inside, from when it was called Shacklefords in the mid-late '70s when we moved to Kino, VA.
So it was mostly hunting & fishing people whose families had been around forever, and then us smack dab in the middle. It’s bad enough my dad was a cop, but my parents being Yankees I’m sure drove them all crazy. From an early age I understood that we were different, that we didn’t really fit in with these other families. So as I looked towards turning 5 years old, I was 1) part of a family of outsiders 2) aware that my brother was the brilliant golden-child genius to whom I would be Odie to his own Garfield, and 3) desperately trying to learn how to masturbate. The following years would turn out to shape me into the man I would eventually become: adding new family members, throwing me into school and organized sports and the birth of the Chicken McNugget in 1983. Was shaping up to be quite the trill ride, and I was looking forward to it.
You just don't see fly strips hanging from places of business anymore. And that makes me sad :(
Sunnyside, Sunnyside, Sunnysi-i-i-i-i-i-ide!
I don't know if I've posted the story before, but not only is this an MP3 of me telling my aunts about the time I got busted sneaking out to meet my new girlfriend behind Sunnyside Country Store while being perpetually grounded thanks to having a negative GPA my junior year of high school, but here's a picture of that very Sunnyside. A bit long, but worth sitting through just to hear my Aunt Pat say the words "Bob" and "lawnmower," each with 7 syllables. Enjoy!
Cunundrums. I Have Them.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are cunundrums in that while I'm glad stores are open for my own convenience should I need them, it's totally depressing to see people who have to work on those days. I can almost feel the clerk's eyes burning through me as a I slink out, "yeah that's great for you asshole, unlike me you don't hafta work today - just take your special-order box of made-for-horses Magnums and get the fuck outta here already." And that makes me sad :(
Xmastime Wednesday Night TV Picks
The Cosby Show
Centric, 8:30pm
Maybe the greatest non-pilot episode ever, the one where Theo gets his ear pierced!
Modern Family
ABC, 9:00 AND 9:30pm!
Double-shot of the best show on tv!
Jimmy Fallon Show
NBC, 12:30
Repeat of the GREAT episode with Paul McCartney!
Centric, 8:30pm
Maybe the greatest non-pilot episode ever, the one where Theo gets his ear pierced!
Modern Family
ABC, 9:00 AND 9:30pm!
Double-shot of the best show on tv!
Jimmy Fallon Show
NBC, 12:30
Repeat of the GREAT episode with Paul McCartney!
2011
Update
I guess Owen Wilson didn't die, since they've removed today's death date from his Wikipedia page.
Is seeing your death announced on Wikipedia, along with that day's date, the modern version of seeing your own tombstone? Yeesh. Maybe I should be lucky you sorry, ungrateful bastards haven't created a page for me.
Hey, look - tombstone funny! and GRAVESIDE ETIQUETTE!
Is seeing your death announced on Wikipedia, along with that day's date, the modern version of seeing your own tombstone? Yeesh. Maybe I should be lucky you sorry, ungrateful bastards haven't created a page for me.
Hey, look - tombstone funny! and GRAVESIDE ETIQUETTE!
Nothing is What It Seems Anymore.
Owen Wilson died today in a snowboarding accident. Or he didn't. Or he did. Nobody seems to know. I was about to set up my "Woe is me, I pretend to give a fuck about a stranger dying" memorial (candles, candles, CANDLES!, plus a picture of Luke Wilson) to get some sympathy from you people, but now I'm all a fucking twitter that apparently the title for "Dumbest Woman on Earth" has finally been settled, since somebody was fucking stupid enough to marry Joe Francis. You know, the Girls Gone Wild Guy. And now they're getting divorced after two months of wedded bliss. Hmm. He gets paid millions of dollars to walk around the beach getting hot, drunk college chicks to show him their luscious titties. What could possibly have gone wrong? This one's a fucking mystery; I guess you can never tell who's gonna make it when it comes to marriage. People move in together and realize they don't like how the other person keeps their toothbrush on the side of the sink instead of in the goddam toothbrush holder hanging ABOVE the sink, I guess. This one hurts. I had them lasting longer than (insert one of those married couples from the Book of Genesis, or wherever those "Dickhead lived for 900 years, then begat Shithead..." stories are.)
Life. Fucking box of crackers, ain't it?
Life. Fucking box of crackers, ain't it?
2010: The Year in Music
I am trying to think of my Top 10 Songs of 2010, but since I rarely listen to music recorded after 1804, the only two candidates seem to be my two supers-slices, OK Go's This Too Shall Pass and Marah's Valley Farm Song. Oh yeah, and Fuck You. In a surprise move, I liked a song from one of those hipster super-groups, although that might be because a Mrs. Xmastime sang backups when they were on tv, so who knows.
Marah's Life is a Problem is definitely my album of the year. I guess making the decision to boot Serge out of the band for getting caught making out with a Snooki stuffed doll (TWICE!) really paid off for them ;)
Marah's Life is a Problem is definitely my album of the year. I guess making the decision to boot Serge out of the band for getting caught making out with a Snooki stuffed doll (TWICE!) really paid off for them ;)
Unlucky Louis Lunch
from:
But then, fuck it - he got to makes a shit-ton of $crillah making cheeseburgers for 65 years, so what the fuck do I care if he lives, dies, or grows shrooms out of his crack?*
* 7 minutes in heaven with Xmastime to whoever can tell me where that quote comes from by 5pm today
Ken Lassen, son of Louis' Lunch founder Louis Lassen and proprietor of Louis' Lunch for 65 years, died last Tuesday at age 93. Louis Lunch in New Haven, Connecticut, is known as the "birthplace of the hamburger" and has been serving their famous broiled burgers on toast since 1900.I guess I should feel bad for dissing his famous burger.
But then, fuck it - he got to makes a shit-ton of $crillah making cheeseburgers for 65 years, so what the fuck do I care if he lives, dies, or grows shrooms out of his crack?*
* 7 minutes in heaven with Xmastime to whoever can tell me where that quote comes from by 5pm today
More Christmas Highlights
Upon putting on holiday pajamas for a family photo, I did not realize there was an open slit in the front, meaning that since I don't wear underwear a certain somebody was given quite the surprise when I wandered into the kitchen.
Sorry Missy! ;)
Sorry Missy! ;)
Goals. I Have Them.
From now on, whenever I receive one of those "I will be out of the office Dec. 20-Dec. 31. If it is an emergency, please contact K-- M----- at k----@-------.com or ***-***-6428" messages from my friends, I'm contacting the emergency person. Cause fuck it, that's why. "Hi K--, listen, how weird IS it that Timmy didn't like Crazy Heart? Fucking whack, right? Write me back!"
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Question, II
Team Sully HERE asks "What book, album, film or magazine article has made the biggest impact on your life or how you see the world? Why?"
I answered book HERE.
As for album, I'm torn betwen two.
The Replacements' Tim is an album that to this day makes me feel like maybe there's people like me everywhere. Somehow, someway, I missed something, and am relegated to a life of being a loser, dying somewhere in obscurity. Anti-heroism is great when you're 16, but two decades later it's an isolating motherfucker. It's not funny anymore. And Tim grows along with me every year.
But I must also suggest Sgt. Pepper. It is the single greatest example of the idea that if you give the public amazing art, not dumbed down shit, they will lap it up with a spoon. To me, Sgt. Pepper is the Golden Mean of popular culture. The highest art, accepted by the masses. The Greeks came up with the concept of The Golden Mean, and hell, they came up with butt-fucking, so I say let's give them a listen, alright?
I answered book HERE.
As for album, I'm torn betwen two.
The Replacements' Tim is an album that to this day makes me feel like maybe there's people like me everywhere. Somehow, someway, I missed something, and am relegated to a life of being a loser, dying somewhere in obscurity. Anti-heroism is great when you're 16, but two decades later it's an isolating motherfucker. It's not funny anymore. And Tim grows along with me every year.
But I must also suggest Sgt. Pepper. It is the single greatest example of the idea that if you give the public amazing art, not dumbed down shit, they will lap it up with a spoon. To me, Sgt. Pepper is the Golden Mean of popular culture. The highest art, accepted by the masses. The Greeks came up with the concept of The Golden Mean, and hell, they came up with butt-fucking, so I say let's give them a listen, alright?
Question, I
Team Sully HERE asks "What book, album, film or magazine article has made the biggest impact on your life or how you see the world? Why?"
I'd like to say The Grapes of Wrath, my favorite book of all time. Or Paddy's Lament. Both shook me to the core re: our seemingly boundless ability to empathize with other people as well as the generosity of those who are in the most need themselves.
But in the real world I'm still an asshole, so.
I'd like to say The Grapes of Wrath, my favorite book of all time. Or Paddy's Lament. Both shook me to the core re: our seemingly boundless ability to empathize with other people as well as the generosity of those who are in the most need themselves.
But in the real world I'm still an asshole, so.
My Christmas Accomplishments
1) Ate some fish (heh heh heh)
2) Won a dance contest (duh)
3) Took this pic:
2) Won a dance contest (duh)
3) Took this pic:
I'm Back
from Virginia, and, while I don't wanna delve too deeply into hyperbole here and go too fucking nuts, yes, this is a lot of snow.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Hmm. Maybe I Won't Be Moving to London After All.
Burger King in UK are serving a Whopper with...brussel sprouts.
To paraphrase the first girl to whom I ever suggested setting up my Christmas tree in her back yard: are they out of their goddam minds?
To paraphrase the first girl to whom I ever suggested setting up my Christmas tree in her back yard: are they out of their goddam minds?
Dartucheetoo
Sistatime! told me she's about to take her goddaughter to Build-a-Bear, which reminds me of one of my all-time favorite days :)
Royal Fuckup
So I personally am pissed at the coin-makers completely fucking up the official coin. What the fuck? Apparently, Prince William is marrying J-Woww? Really? Grrrr!!!!
I'm An Asshole
via Sully:
One of the problems with being a wiseass dickhead is when you see typos like this, and it's all you can do to restrain yourself from being a total prick. I mean, I haven't even read the story - odds are, it's an amazingly touching story about people better than myself being scarred by humanity and eventually triumphing, and yet it's all I can do to not write "really? He died from having too much of a woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities? What, did Wonder Woman give him the clap?" Luckily, my great sense of decency has stopped me from doing so, although in explaining what a great dude I am for not doing so I have, apparently, done so.
Sigh. My sexiness - does it never end?
One of the problems with being a wiseass dickhead is when you see typos like this, and it's all you can do to restrain yourself from being a total prick. I mean, I haven't even read the story - odds are, it's an amazingly touching story about people better than myself being scarred by humanity and eventually triumphing, and yet it's all I can do to not write "really? He died from having too much of a woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities? What, did Wonder Woman give him the clap?" Luckily, my great sense of decency has stopped me from doing so, although in explaining what a great dude I am for not doing so I have, apparently, done so.
Sigh. My sexiness - does it never end?
Why Baby Jesus Was Born
76 Porn Stars in Santa Attire
Anyone else surprised that there are 76 porn stars in the world? For instance, I have no idea who this person is. But she has holly on her titties, so she must be very important, so.
Anyone else surprised that there are 76 porn stars in the world? For instance, I have no idea who this person is. But she has holly on her titties, so she must be very important, so.
Xmastime Regrets.
In the summer of 2009 I went to the beach in NC with Op, Mamalizza, Big Bear, and Whatsherface (I love that riff!!!! ... okay, Cherry Bomb ;) ), and at the halfway point driving down we stopped at a hotel for the night. There were two queen-sized beds, and while Big Bear was supposed to bunk with me so as to set up a night of farts, armpit farts and dutch ovens, and then more armpit farts, he ended up sleeping with his parents and sister all in one bed, leaving me all by myself in my own huge bed.
JE REGRET:
I should've called in a call girl. Or, at the very least, staged a fake argument at the door: "What? $175 for half an hour? How bout $50 for 15 minutes? Oh, COME on sweetheart, you're out of your mind!!!!!!"
;)
JE REGRET:
I should've called in a call girl. Or, at the very least, staged a fake argument at the door: "What? $175 for half an hour? How bout $50 for 15 minutes? Oh, COME on sweetheart, you're out of your mind!!!!!!"
;)
2010 Memories
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I Got You, Babe
It's become a bit of a "novelty" song through the years, but the truth of the matter is I Got You Babe is not only a great song, but practically a Phil Spector production. Written and produced by Spector acolyte Sonny Bono, the recording included at least one member of The Wrecking Crew, Hal Blaine (the greatest drummer of all time.) It's a fucking awesome song, and also might have provided the backdrop for Joey Ramone's best singing ever.
Apex.
2010.
I've had 4,180 posts on this blog this year (with a week to go!) And in scrolling through the year to pick out pics/vids to blather about for some sort of year-end wrap-up, I hafta say that when it comes to about 4,100 of those posts, I can remember everything about them - where I was sitting, what I was wearing, if anyone else was in the room etc etc. There's always one word in each post that clicks my brain right back to that place.
But it's the other 80 that're left for me to enjoy. For instance, I have no recollection of this one at all, but I like it. :)
I'm AWESOME!
But it's the other 80 that're left for me to enjoy. For instance, I have no recollection of this one at all, but I like it. :)
I'm AWESOME!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Headlines That Would Actually Be Newsworthy if One Word Was Changed
2010.
I've had 4,180 posts on this blog this year (with a week to go!) And in scrolling through the year to pick out pics/vids to blather about for some sort of year-end wrap-up, I hafta say that when it comes to about 4,100 of those posts, I can remember everything about them - where I was sitting, what I was wearing, if anyone else was in the room etc etc. There's always one word in each post that clicks my brain right back to that place.
But it's the other 80 that're left for me to enjoy. For instance, I have no recollection of this one at all, but I like it. :)
I'm AWESOME!
But it's the other 80 that're left for me to enjoy. For instance, I have no recollection of this one at all, but I like it. :)
I'm AWESOME!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Question:
What if we find out that Rome really WAS built in one day? How stupid would we feel then? Hmm.
Mind blown?
You're welcome.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
2010 in Pictures
Hall of Fame Love
On December 15th, 2010, it was announced that Darlene Love had been chosen for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She will formally be inducted in 2011.
Hmm. I wonder how that happened? COULD IT BE that a certain someone I have met greased the wheels a bit? ;)
WTF?
In 1963, TV producer Lee Mendelson filmed a documentary about Charles Schulz and the daily process involved in creating his Peanuts comic strip. The Peanuts documentary never sold, but Coca-Cola execs happened to see it and asked Mendelson if he’d be interested in doing an animated Charlie Brown Christmas special. Within a few days, Mendelson and Schulz had the outline of a script ready, with notes like “sad Christmas tree,” “school play,” and “ice skating” scribbled in the margins.What the fuck - whatever happened to that original documentary footage shot by Mendelson? Surely I'm not the only person who would love to see this? I know, I know - stop calling you Shirley!!
Things People Should Be Aware of But Aren't, and Don't Give a Shit When They Are
One day, a long time from now when the echo chambers of histrionic theatrics for tv cameras die down and jabbering jerkoffs like me are mere memories in the boneyard, historians will look back and be pretty amazed at the incredible production of the 111th Congress.
Xmastime Regrets
On The David Magee Show today I was asked what I thought the story of the year was. They said the oil spill, I said Brett Favre's cock pics. Now I'm miffed I didn't say the KFC Double Down. Ah, well.
Xmastime TV Alert
Because I can't say no to my fans, I will be a call-in guest on The David Magee Show this morning at 11:08am. American Life Network! :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Real Cool time, Motherscratchers
Twenty-three years ago today we got out of school early for Christmas holiday and so we piled into BP's car to go to Richmond to wander around the mall for a few hours, but before we left town I popped into Doc's, which inexplicably had The Ramones newest album, Halfway to Sanity.
Not a great album, to be sure. But a lot better today than I thought at the time. While it's predecessor Animal Boy featured almost absurdly high highs and ridiculously low lows, Halfway to Sanity didn't have nearly the same highs, but is maybe a bit more consistent from start to finish.
Not a great album, to be sure. But a lot better today than I thought at the time. While it's predecessor Animal Boy featured almost absurdly high highs and ridiculously low lows, Halfway to Sanity didn't have nearly the same highs, but is maybe a bit more consistent from start to finish.
TRON
But today, computers are ubiquitous and hardly a mystery. They're not "future machines" that make us think of Star Wars, they're things that kinda look like a tv with a typewriter that we spend hours typing shit into and posting pictures or planning our schedules or watching two girls piss into a cup and drink it. 99% of people using a computer every day couldn't give two shits about how a computer works on the inside any more than they do about what happens when they turn the keys in the ignition of their cars.
So unless Olivia Wilde's nerd suit tears and we see her bits and bytes, I fail to see who is itching to see such a flick in 2010.
But hey, what do I know?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
