Futility: A Definition.

Arguing with a 5 year-old that it's DarTH Vader, not DarK Vader.

Davy Jones Trivia

Vis-a-vis a caller on the Mike Francesa show I just learned this:

When he appeared on 'The Ed Sullivan Show' with the Beatles in 1964, Davy Jones had no idea he was staring at his future.

On the show, he performed a song from 'Oliver!' the Broadway show he was acting in at the time. But two years later, he'd be cast in 'The Monkees,' a TV show about a band similar to the Beatles and inspired by the Fab Four movie 'A Hard Day's Night.'

The Flip Play, Cont.

Re: the Jeter Flip Play, the always-sensible Terry Francona says it exactly right in one sentence:

“You could practice that play until you’re blue in the fact, and he’s still probably the only guy who makes the play,” Francona said.

RIP Davy Jones

That totally blows.  The Monkees weren't The Beatles, but they were great.

SOMEONE PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A 2X4

I somehow stumbled upon this show which I'd never heard of, and after 7 seconds I'm hopelessly addicted.  It's The Jersey Shore x that Jonathan Antin reality show from a coupla years ago - the booze in The Jersey Shore x the Victoria Gotti show with those asshole kids and fuck it, x The Jersey Shore again.  And somehow, there's an F. Scott Fitzgerald tie-in. HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote du Jour

On this day in 1940, Hattie McDaniel became the first African-American actress to win an Academy Award, for her role as a housemaid in Gone with the Wind. It's amazing when you think about how far we've come since then. - THE AWL

Progress.

If you told me in 2002 that by 2012 you would've seen exactly 0 Seqways out and about in New York City, there's no way I woulda believed you.  I thought those things were gonna take over the city.  Bupkiss!

Flipping Out

A while back I rolled my eyes re: Jeter claiming to have practiced The Flip Play, although evidence backed him up. Today new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine looks to get under some Yankee skin by saying Jeter's claim is bullshit:

"That was amazing that [Jeter] was there. I bet it's more amazing that he said he practiced it. I don't believe it."

Having Bobby V as Sox manager is gonna be a fucking blast!  :)

XMASTIME EMERGENCY TV ALERT!

The Buddy Holly Story
Ovation channel

   RIGHT NOW!

Don't fret, repeats at 10  :)

Let It Be Right

THIS IDIOT claims that one of the non-comedy songs that makes him laugh is Tommy Gets His Tonsils Out. I say "idiot" because that's not even the funniest song on the album. That's Gary's Got a Boner. Camon, dude.

Tiger Eyes

Tiger Eyes is now a movie, leading you to surely wonder why just about every one of Judy Blume's novels haven't been made into movies.  I've never read Tiger eyes, but back in the day mine JB slices readeth:

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great
Superfudge
Iggie's House
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
Then Again, Maybe I Won't
Freckle Juice
It's Not the End of the World
Deenie
Blubber
Forever (kinda more as a class project in 7th grade, really)

Cinephile XMASTIME Gives His Thoughts On This Year's Best Picture Nominees

The Artist - I have not seen this picture.
The Descendants - I have not seen this picture.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close  - I have not seen this picture.
The Help  - I have not seen this picture.
Hugo  - I have not seen this picture.
Midnight in Paris  - I have not seen this picture.
Moneyball  - Meh. Brad Pitt walking around being Brad Pitt.
The Tree of Life Fox  - I have not seen this picture.
War Horse - I have not seen this picture.

Will I watch it when it comes to tv?

The Artist - Only so then I can bray to you people about how cultured and better than you I am.
The Descendants - No.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close  - No.
The Help  - Probably.
Hugo  - No.
Midnight in Paris  - No.
The Tree of Life Fox  - No.
War Horse - No.

Jan Berenstain

I liked The Berenstain Bears as a little kid, so it's sad to see that the wife just died.  I can think of no life better than making kid's books with my wife. If I could write, draw or get a wife, this would surely be my path.

As a bonus, Alyssa Rosenberg reminds us of when Xmastime Dipshit Hall of Famer Charles Krauthammer hated on the Bears for being, you know, socialist dicks.  OF COURSE.

Coupla BB factoids HERE.

Poll du Jour

What is pizza's best movie role?

Do The Right Thing.  It's omnipresent.  A case could be made for Mystic Pizza, I guess.

Left out is the awesome I Love You to Death, dammit!

Genius. I Do Not Have It.

The woman at the next desk showed us her kid's science fair project, which was seeing how much electricity vegetables have in them. I was already blown away by the project when she said in class while presenting it he'd actually perform hooking some veggies up to the...electricity shower thingee.  This made me think goddammit, how much different would my life be if I had dramatically flipped a penny a coupla times in class?  Grrrr.

Well, I did better than this kid at least (maybe.)

The King

I what may be a colossal upset, Burger King ties McDonald's for best fry (Wendy's apparently blow chunks.) Good for BK; I haven't had the pleasure of tasting their new fries, but it sounds like they're making progress in their smart "fuck it, let's just copy McDonalds" policy.

Oh, Come the Fuck On Already

JUST ONCE can't some deranged killer be referred to as "a loudmouth asshole who couldn't keep his nose out of everybody's business"?

Tax Cuts

Juan Williams VIA:

"The stimulus was one of the largest single tax cuts in U.S. history. To say the stimulus failed is to make the argument that tax cuts do not stimulate the economy. Ninety-five percent of all Americans got a tax cut under the plan. ... The next time a Republican brags about his or her opposition to the failed stimulus, a cynic might respond by asking why they hate tax cuts so much,"

This makes perfect sense to me since I mean, it's only been thirty years, how many more decades do we need to prove that "trickle down economuics" is a joke? A couple more? 40, 50 more years? Really? How many more generations can we keep this supply-side economics dream alive, like Harry Potter?

The point is that math does not compute once rich white guys are involved, so suck it, losers. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Art.

Thomas Jefferson was famously a deist, and he might have a point.  While just now I was thrilled in walking outside and being met with the sun, the point is, the more I walked, the less God I found.  I walked a city grid thought out by man, amidst grass areas thought out by man.  I crossed streets in obeyance with cars built by man, and bought an iced tea made by man. Every thing I looked at was made by man: shops, restaurants, etc. Mostly, I realized I was listening to Sgt Pepper while perusing through some guy's collection of books which (of course) included Leaves of Grass.  The sun's rays were keeping me warm, but I realized everything that kept me alive was because of man.  Maybe it took a coupla thousands of years planning roads, and maybe it only came thirty years ago, ie Telephone Free Landslide Victory, but it occurs to me that all of our greatest moments are because of ourselves; ie, man.  That is the definition of art: man.  All that man adds to the world is art.  Man wrote the Bible, after all.

Self-Importance (Which Might Not Be a Real Word)

I sometimes find myself surrounded by people who want you to believe they're working on curing cancer for a living and yet I'm midst nobody who will ever be remembered for greatness vis-a-vis their work, so I must say, I agree with Matthew Yglesias HERE:

It is a universally acknowledged fact that a person in receipt of a jury duty summons must be struggle to find a way to wriggle out of...When I did jury duty in New York years ago I read The Brothers Karamazov while waiting around. When else do you get the chance these days to tackle the big honking 19th Century novels? Is everyone else's job really so amazing that they can't bear the thought of a few days off to listen to testimony and pronounce on a verdict? I don't buy it. I feel like as a society we've coordinated on a pointless anti-social norm that you're some kind of sucker if you're willing to just smile and do what the judge wants even though there are no really good self-interested reasons to want out. For salaried professionals, jury duty is a paid vacation. What's not to like?

Missed Anniversaries, by Xmastime

February 23, 1985: Bobby Knight throwing the chair during a game with Purdue.

"7-10 split, fuck you!"

On a side note, it just occurred to me that it was against Purdue that Scott May famously broke his arm in 1975, leading to Indiana losing to Kentucky 92-90 in the regional semis; the next year, after capping a 32-0 season with a title, Knight bitterly said "it should've been two." Coinidence that it was against Purdue that he later pulled the chair-throwing incident?

This Is What I Do, People

Peope are ripping Mitt Romney for this latest gaffe:

Asked by the AP reporter if he follows NASCAR, Romney responded, "Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners."

Wow!  What a man of the people!

Yet nobody has the guts to take it as far as I do, that the next natural step would be to equate this with someone saying they're not racist because "one of my best friends is black!", and then the NEXT step in context with the Mitt quote would be "I don't really have any black friends.  But I have some great friends who are black owners", were this race in 1856.

Hey, I"m just making this for reals, people!!!

And REALLY - using "ardent" in a sentence? Really? Are you William Makepeace Thackery? For fuck's sake.

Bad to the Bone (One Day a Week)

One great thing about going to church is that it's the only place I can pull off being a "bad boy."  When girls are streaming back to their seats after Communion they see me still sitting, and they know I didn't go to Communion. I look into their eyes, wide-eyed with fear and wonder, and vibe "move on baby, I'm trouble."

I must be intoxicating in God's house!

"Welcome to our world, Xmastime."

"You wanna boycott someone? You ought to start with the goddamn barber that fucked up your head."

Do The Right Thing is one of those movies I can have on all day, any day; I can jump in for the middle, the end, the beginning, whatever.  I can simply have it on in the background.

Surely, as well as the scripted lines they delivered, there's hours of footage of the camera rolling on the three old dudes, right? I mean, who wouldn't love to pull up a lawn chair and listen to these dudes for hours on end? Where are these outtakes? Fucking awesome.

Interesting Question (And I Know It's Interesting Because I'm Asking It)

I had never heard this about public executions back in the day:

The executions themselves could last hours from start to finish, with the condemned often driven in a cart through throngs of onlookers, as if he or she was on a parade float. Sometimes they stopped off at pubs along the way, where the giddy public got many a condemned man drunk before his ultimate demise.

Would you wanna be drunk for this?  Or would you wanna milk every last second with sober clarity?

I think for my final moments I'd choose the latter; the former I'll happily do for all the previous days.

Meanwhile, please enjoy my favorite slice from Nuggets!

Church Thoughts, with Xmastime

First of all, to the smoking hot chick in the yellow sweater: I'm sorry if I came on too strong, but wouldn't this be a great story for our grandchildren? "I was walking back from the Blessed Sacrament of Communion, trying to have a private moment with God, when your grandfather practically tractor-beamed me with a Jedi-Mind Trick, pulling me in with a stare that normally gets people arrested...one Missed Connections post in Craigslist later, and here we are...is he staring at me? Really? Sigh."

See you next week, baby - same time, same pew, same death stare!! (Hopefully the same sweater, nom nom nom!)  :)

Secondly: if I'm gonna wear jeans and STILL be the best dressed motherfucker there, the Catholic Church is n trouble.  I mean, come the fuck on, guys.  I haven't seen this many track suits since...well, two weeks ago in church.  For fuck's sake.

Thirdly: Dude who did the readings.  Motherfucker.  This was not your King Lear performance; Simon Cowell was not in the front row judging your performance, so you don't hafta drag the shit out for twenty minutes with long, dramatic pauses.  Nobody from the diocese is sending scouts around to see if you're ready for The Show. Just read the shit and let Father Mike get the mic back alfuckingready.  There's a reason George or Ringo mostly got one song an album, for fuck's sake.


Fourthly: last person's entering time: 1:06....for a Mass that started at 12:30.  You are a ballsy mofo.  Cap doffed.

Finally, two weeks ago I was pleasantly surprised with the paucity of music throughout the service, leaving more time for more quiet reflection, which I  1) liked better than the usual crappy music  2) partly assumed was because Catholics suck at singing.  During the homily today, Father Mike mentioned they'd made a conscious decision to have less music, which I greatly applaud.  I've never been a fan of the whole "let's mumble along to some words in front of us that don't mean anything to us cause we're just mumbling them cause we hafta" nonsense.  Nor have I ever been impressed by the "sing loud so God can hear!" mumbo-jumbo, or any theatrics/histrionics.  If you believe in God, why on Earth would you believe any of this leaves more of an impression than any personal contemplation? Do you think God's humming along to some chick belting it out in Dallas, and then's like "whoa whao, what's this noise coming outta Brooklyn??!" Of course not.  You're in a church, for probably the ONLY time all week you have no distractions and are forced to do nothing BUT sit quietly and think for a while, which I believe is the best thing you can do in such a situation, particularly since most people mail in the singing anyway; certainly it's much better than simply plowing through a buncha words you won't think twice about the second you've put the Hymnal back on the pew.  Kudos to Our Lady of Carmel!

Although I will sing for some Duffys biscuits, you know that.

Church Goals. I Have Them.

When they pass the collection plate around today, I'm gonna get me a pen and paper and make up my own fucking sign, saying "Thank you lord for thinking 'bout me, I'm alive and doing fine."

Churchy McChurcherson Quote du Jour

Via:

Christ isn’t a poster-child for normalcy, and he didn’t come to earth to give a stamp of approval to presidential candidates. He came to be a savior to people who need saving.

Of course he wouldn't hang out with presidential candidiates as it'd be the antithesis of his very being...unless, of course, it turns out that this is yet another case of WWJDIHWTCOOJAIFABFA?

Second Time

Back to church!

I dunno why I decided to go to the fucking 12:30 Mass today.  I guess it's because Father Lynch said that's when the "young people" my age go, the "brunch crowd," which is partly my point for rejoining the church in the first place.  But 12:30?  Right in the middle of the gotdam day? Camon.  I feel like my day is ruined; I can't focus on anything right now since I'm antsy about being late, and then it'll be the middle of the afternoon.  Shoulda gone to the 8am with the old folks. Grrr.

Just In Case You Were Feeling Chipper Today...

...here's the saddest puppy in the world.  BOOM!

American Experince Review

While any documentary about Clinton is perfectly justified in pointing out what a cad Bill Clinton was with the ladies while in office, I feel that devoting nearly 90 minutes out of 240 to the Monica Lewinsky stuff is way too fucking much.  I mean, come the fuck on already.  You're PBS, not Springer.

It's the End of the World As We Know It, Oh Wait, Not Really, What?

For some reason, we're all supposed to be horrified! that Wal-Mart might be coming to that most precious of sacred college towns, Athens GA - ie, the town that R.E.M. built - because of it's long history of being, and I quote, "cool."  I know I'm on the old-man, uncool side of this since I wish I had a fireman's pole in my room that led down to the biggest Wal-Mart superstore in the world, so hey.

Hey, you know I loves me some R.E.M., and I'm usually one to fall prey to "why can't things be like when I was a youngster!" like anyone else, but - really? 2012, and we're doing the ol' "fight Wal-Mart!" fight? What?  Hey, everywhere in America at one time was "cool" and "quaint"; for Athens to have a three decade-long run in this day and age is to be applauded but not mourned. 

Of course, a quick scan of the article shows this:

But it’s important to note why some people want it. While Athens’ unemployment rate is about a percentage point lower than the national average (and 2 points lower than Georgia’s), the poverty rate is nearly 40 percent — the eighth highest out of 159 counties in the state. It’s an uncomfortable dichotomy that throws some cold water on the allure of the (largely white) downtown scene. At a commission meeting earlier this month, support for the project split largely along racial lines. “Small jobs are better than no jobs,” was how one black supporter put it.

Surely what Athens needs more of is hipsters who paint flowers on their bongos, and not the unseemly kind of workers and customers a Wal-Mart might attract.

Though I would think this would be annoying:

But the truth is, the downtown desperately needs more practical retail. Right now, there’s not even a grocery store, and there are more places to buy vintage skirts than paper towels.

But then, it turns out there's a Wal-Mart only four fucking miles away and nobody even knows for sure if Wal-Mart is coming anyway, so at this point who really gives a shit? The article goes from Drudge Report-esque red siren "Jews are gonna destroy the cutest town ever!" to "well, they just wanna make sure it fits Athens' aesthetic" to "well, nobody knows if it's coming." I skipped the last paragraph out of fear it would read "R.E.M. buys Wal-Mart superstore, heli-drops it on top of Wuxtry Records!", so maybe it's early to start panicking.

I will say this: right after I saw the article I moseyed over to King's Pharmacy, themselves under constant threat of being shoved out by Duane Reade, and R.E.M.'s The One I Love, the demarcation point for a lot of people for when R.E.M. went from being "cool, quaint upstarts" to "sell-out hacks" was playing. Hmm.

Hey look, I get it: white people are fucking insufferable.  I spent over two years in Oxford, MS, which liked to do nothing more than stand around being in awe of it being Oxford, MS ("We're the next Athens!") and Williamsburg, which makes Oxford feel like South Central. It's exhausting.

Happy Birfday!

To George Harrison, who woulda been 69 today.

Besides having the best Beatles solo record with All Things Must Pass, which includes superslices What is Life?, Apple Scruffs, Waiting on You All and the title track, my top 5 George songs with the Beatles are:

Here Comes the Sun
Something
I Want to Tell You
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Piggies

The single most UPLIFTING moment in any Beatles song might have actually come from the Dark Horse himself, ie coming out of the middle 8 of Here Comes the Sun. Kills me every time. Beat that.

You can watch a stream of the 2002 Concert for George HERE.

Movie du Jour

Brooklyn Boheme

This film chronicles the African American artistic movements that took place in the Fort Greene area of Brooklyn during the 1980s-1990s. The film includes Spike Lee, Chris Rock, Rosie Perez, Branford Marsalis and Saul Williams.

Intoxicating mix of the tangible contagiousness of artists, black nerds, and streets/shops/restaurants I walk by whenever I go to Big Bear's. Awesome.

On Showtme OnDemand!

DA in the USA

One thing I've loved and been pleasantly surprised about Downton Abbey is how compassionate and simply decent the Earl of Grantham has always been with his servants, whom he actually considers family; going into the series I'm sure I assumed "The Boss" would be some sort of ogre who treated those beneath him with contempt if he couldn't simply avoid them in the first place.  The Earl's being the  opposite is refreshing, and lends an air of credibility to Fallowes' writing in an "oh, this isn't just paint-by-the-numbers" shit way.  Some of the Upstairs people are nice, some are dicks; some of the Downstairs people are nice, and some are dicks, just as I've found with people in the North and South over here.

All of this is what makes Downton Abbey so appealing, according to this guy:

The earl treats those who work for him with a compassion that goes well beyond noblesse oblige. He regards the World War I deaths of those who once worked on his estate as a family tragedy.

In "Downton Abbey," the earl hires as his valet his former orderly from the Boer War (whom he greets as "my old comrade in arms") despite the difficulty the orderly, the victim of a war wound, has in walking. He comes to his butler's rescue when the latter is being blackmailed, and when his third cousin, the heir apparent to the Crawley estate, finds the services of a personal servant redundant, the earl reminds his cousin that the servant needs work.

Why all of this is so appealing to tons of Americans right now seems to be that it's the exact opposite of how those with so much view those with not-so-much in 2012 political America:

The earl is everything so many of today's get-tough-with-the-poor politicians are not. Whether the decency of Lord Grantham and the popularity of "Downton Abbey" are signs that popular support for President Obama's version of the social contract will aid him in his re-election bid is anyone's guess. But at a time when the Pew Research Center, as well as Occupy Wall Street, shows that Americans perceive a strong conflict between rich and poor, it is not farfetched to see "Downton Abbey" delivering a history lesson suited for the present.

As the writer continues, Grantham stands alongside previous generations of Roosevelts/Kennedys/Bush (41) dynasties who "had mines!" but viewed their wealth to be coupled with the responsibility to help out those who weren't born with so much, and Downton Abbey is a useful if painful reminder that such thinking wasn't always viewed as being something Jesus would scourge as acting like a fucking pansy.  I'm too cynical to believe this will help sell people on Obama's "view of the social contract", but I thought the Cowboys were doomed when they traded Herschel Walker, so what the fuck do I know?

Big Bang Theory

Penny beating Leonard at chess the first time she's ever played ("you can't move here because of my lighthouse, right?") and him not admitting she's won ("this feels like a good stopping point, I've fired a lot of new information at you for one day...") reminds me that I too am a dick when it comes to chess.

Ugh. Still feel like a douche.

The '90s.

Since I guess after about 50 years we're easing our desperate thirst for nostalgia from the '80s to the '90s, here's 48 PICTURES THAT PERFECTLY CAPTURE THE 1990s.  This is my favorite - is there anything more "90s" they can cram in? Maybe OJ chasing the cast of Saved By the Bell around with a knife while chugging Zuma?

Will Smith playing Nintendo in a backwards hat, on a zebra rug, wearing Nike Air's, zubaz pants, and a Mariah Carey cd on the ground. 

Careless Memory

Sully passes along the shared memories of "web kids":

To us, the Web is a sort of shared external memory. We do not have to remember unnecessary details: dates, sums, formulas, clauses, street names, detailed definitions. It is enough for us to have an abstract, the essence that is needed to process the information and relate it to others. Should we need the details, we can look them up within seconds.

I'd love to play the ol' "darned kids today!" curmudgeon, but this probably isn't as new as I might think, as I wrote over a year ago:

Turns out the Internet is ruining our memory.

That makes sense to me, just like cell phones ruined our bothering to memorize people's numbers and Facebook ruining our bothering to remember people birthdays - a particular thorn in my side as doing so was my one talent in this life.  Grrr.

This also reminds me of an old family friend, "Chief!"  He's a lawyer and the first time as a kid that I walked into his office and saw the wall-to-wall law books I asked him wow, do you know everything in these books?  and he said no, but I know where to find anything I need.

CiCi's Pizza

I don't know what I like better - that they said "fuck it, we'll call it the HogFest", or that they actually have hogs in the ad.*  Awesome.  (Albeit a little TOO much like GEICO's ads; I also thought I was looking at a Geico commercial.)



* how you like my restraint by NOT making a Colonel/chickens reference? I'm awesome!!!!!!

Membership Has It's Priviliges.

My buddies Serge & Monica's son Henry turned one year old today, therein allowing him to apply for membership into the I'm #1! Club.  On behalf of the other members I say Welcome, Henry!  :)

Youtube Idea du Jour

Has anyone compiled a video of Gabe Kotter's jokes to his wife going head to head with The Vicar of Dibley's jokes, both of which were in every episode?

Classic Theodore Theatre

RALPH!

Included in this year's NBA Hall of Fame finalists is Ralph Sampson:

On the ballot again are Don Nelson, Maurice Cheeks, Bernard King, Dick Motta, Hank Nichols, Ralph Sampson, Jamaal Wilkes and the All-American Red Heads, known as the female version of the Harlem Globetrotters and the first women's professional basketball team.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "Surely this is because of your wonderful post about the vindication of Ralph."

Well. Duh, motherscratcher.

BREAKING NEWS: Men Don't Fall in Love with Whores

British chick is inspired to bang 1000 dudes like Samantha from Sex and the City, and blah blah blah:

But when she fell ill in 2000, aged 20, a pal gave her the first series of Sex And The City to watch. Christina said: “The thought of four women gloating about sleeping their way around New York hadn’t appealed to me but I had nothing better to do so I watched it.

“Samantha was sexy, confident and proud. She had a male attitude of sleeping around and it fascinated me.”But now Christina, 30, admits: “All I want is a man to love me – not one who just wants me for sex.”

Hmm.  Yeahhhhhh (voice of Gary Cole in Office Space)...that might be tough to do, now that you're famous as "the woman who slept with 1000 dudes because of a fictional character on a stupid show."

Sigh. Why can;t the planet simply listen to ol' Xmastime?

7) Everytime I brace myself and think that women have woken up and decided to take over the planet, they shoot themselves in the titties. Over the last few years I’ve been reading/hearing about more and more women deciding that they’re gonna “stick it to men” and show us that they can be like men when it came to sex. I guess a big reason for this was of course “Sex and the City.” Cracks me up. Women have had enough, gonna free themselves, gonna stick it to men by having sex!!!! Lots of it!! Round the clock!!!...of course, to be having all this sex, it's gotta be with someone...so...who are they having all this sex with...all together now...men. Hmm. What’s next, cows making themselves hamburgers? That’ll learn us! Men are supposedly idiots, but we’ve quietly steered women towards being promiscuous, dressing like sluts and sleeping around without the hassle of a relationship. Well. You showed us, sister! Best. Secret. Ever. Though. Now. Every. Woman. Is. Going. To. Hate. Me. Though. Not. As. Much. As. Guys. Since. Now. The. Best. Secret. Ever. Is. Out.

This reminds me - how's the chick looking to hit 1000 pounds doing?

Questions. I Have Them.

I'm playing a random stranger on Word With Friends, and I'm pretty sure it's like a 7 year-old kid.  What's the protocol - let him/her stay close score-wise and feel good about themselves, or stand on the gas pedal and teach them that life isn't fucking fair?

Lent.

As the world's newest Catholic I've decided to give something up for Lent, and have decided instead of eschewing mother/daughter threesomes for the next 6 weeks, I'm giving up...beer.  God what have I done?  The bodega around the corner will prolly go out of business. Let's hope it goes better than this:

I might have broken my no-beer rule, but I have no idea since I've been chugging vodka as if it was beer. Which has made me act even more of an asshole buffoon looney tune. So for the rest of my beer exile, no more booze either. Totally dry for two weeks. Ugh.

PS - As I'm typing this I see Rachel Ray's show today is dedicated to cocktails. "Raising the Bar." christ.

Me. I Think I'm Amazing.

A coupla days ago, a friend of mine marveled that I had the most unfounded self-confidence of anyone he had ever seen.

"What does that mean?" I say.

"I mean, I don't know anyone who has as much self-confidence as you. But look at your life, look at you....there's no WAY you should think that highly of yourself, but you do. It's really incredible." - XMASTIME 

Yesterday, I caught myself saying "goddam you're handsome " to a mirror, and just now I started thinking "hey, I wonder how many women have fantasized about me while  masturbating?"

Sigh.  Me - I'm really happening, aren't I?

MItt Romney Somewhat Misjudged How Many People Might Show Up at His Event

Christ. This is the saddest looking turnout since Magic Johnson's "Come Juggle Razor Blades with Me" Party of '92. Brutal.

The Problem with Oscar

Interesting bit HERE about the fact that the Oscars are hurting because nobody watches them anymore:

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, which puts on the show, doesn’t admit it, but the tweaks are born of a concern about one thing and one thing only: TV ratings. The academy makes a mint each year off the broadcast, traditionally one of the year’s biggest shows. But the trend line for viewership has been heading downward for more than a decade. The academy’s not in the poorhouse or anything; it can still charge an ever-growing premium for advertising, of course. But the show’s not cheap, either, and those declining ratings are a very real indicator of the once fabled awards show’s fading glory.

Here’s the academy’s biggest, and growing, problem: The movies winning Oscars are movies that nobody has heard about — and, as a result, nobody is tuning in.

On one hand, to me that's somewhat noble in that nobody should be voting for an Oscar based on how many tickets it sold.  On the other hand I go to the movies about as often as I pay someone to punch me in the fucking nuts, so what do I care.  As you already know, I can count the number of Best Picture winners I actually saw in the theater on one hand. 

I do agree with the article here:

Secondly, and worse, there’s the sequel problem. Hollywood’s love of the sequel (and movies that might produce a sequel) is well known. These films have increasingly come to dominate moviegoing. The last year a quote-unquote normal movie for adults was the year’s highest-grossing film was “Saving Private Ryan,” way back in 1998. 2007 was a landmark: The top five films were all sequels, reboots, wannabe franchises, or films based on superhero comics or toys — and there were five more in the top 20.

The fucking sequel/prequel cottage industry is absurd. As I type this, Johnny Depp is mailing in Pirates of Whatever, 17.  As I wrote HERE re: America might be getting better, thanks to Downton Abbey:

With this and the Susan Boyle experiment coming out well,  if we can make a successful movie that's not a sequel/prequel/pre-sequel/se-prequel/fucking superhero franchise flick, we'll have the hat trick.

I mean, for fuck's sake already.  Tho I do stand by my assertion that a Boomerang sequel needs to happen. (And Midnight Run!)

Here's me being hilarious with Boomerang. You're welcome, Earth.

The Oscars, Something About Me Hittin' Skins

Alyssa Rosenberg on the absurdity of Oscarexia:

Let’s be real here for a second: clothes are made in variable sizes. These are the the best-looking women in the world, and the Oscars are one of the biggest platforms in the world to showcase a dress. That actresses accept that clothes can only come to them in one of a couple of sizes instead of insisting that designers send over dresses in the size that actually fits them is absolutely insane. It makes no sense for actresses and stylists to act as if they have no power, when wearing a dress in a high-profile situation—say, an Inaugural Ball—can make a designer as Michelle Obama did for Jason Wu. And even if they don’t want to pick a designer who will actually treat them like a dignified customer and get them something that fits, these women are rich enough that, if designers persist in being awful and refusing to send them dresses in something other than a size 2 or 4, they can afford to buy clothes that actually fit them!

Obviously, despite my extensive research during Fashion Weeks, I couldn't give less of a shit about what actresses wear on the night they congratulate each on how awesome they are.  But this line intrigues me:

We’ve been hearing for years about how designers refuse to dress Christina Hendricks, who is one of the most attractive women on the planet, because she doesn’t fit their sample sizes.

"Refuse to dress" reminds me of the time in college I hooked up with some smoking hot chick and the next morning pretended I couldn't find her clothes, just so I could keep her naked a little longer.  It's called being a playah, people.

Although I do enjoy it when they present their scent for arousal.

Good News for You Gals Starving Yourselves for My Attention

I think I have a little crush on a kinda chunky girl.  We'll call her Chunky Crush.  I'm not sure which animal she is, possibly a bunny rabbit, although I can't see her chompers since she doesn't appear to smile a lot. Presumably because she's 1) chunky  2) reading this.

OFFICE CRUSH HISTORY HERE

Filmvetter Bait

Does anybody even remotely think this is gonna be a great movie?  It's the same movie that comes out 100x a year now - perfectly watchable but completely unremarkable.  Just like with the shitcrap of Judd Apatow films that have his crew every time, I'm starting to have a sneaking suspicion that anything Paul Rudd's in is just an excuse for him to hang out with his friends for a coupla months.  He could care less about making any mark on the art, he just wants to have a good time.  Rudd, and movies in general actually, have become the Lebron James of the industry. No risk-taking grasps at immortality, just hanging out with friends on top of piles of money.  Fucking hell.  Clooney for one gets credit for every once in a while trying to actually make a good movie (tho gets dinged for Oceans 48.)

In America

Hold Up. Hold the Fuck Up.

Mittfuck Romney tries to co-opt an Xmastime Hall of Famer:

After receiving overwhelming applause saying, “I want to restore America’s promise,” Romney stopped, nodded and said, “As George Costanza would say, when they’re applauding stop.”

This is the most egregious misuse of an American icon since you-know-who pranced around to the music from Hoosiers.  Grrrrr.

Happy Birfday Dish

The Only Song to be Played at My Funeral

Of course, after 4 days of mourning it might get old...   ;)

Filmvetter du Jour

FILMVETTER reviews Xmastime slice Thirteen Days and rightfully dings Costner for his stupid fucking accent:

Thirteen Days is the historically inaccurate drama of the Cuban Missile Crisis told through the eyes of former JFK advisor Kenny O’Donnell, who most historians agree was more of a gofer and pal than a policy force. While it is not unreasonable to inflate the involvement of a tertiary character in historical drama, if you’re going to make stuff up, then do it smart. Make O’Donnell from Delaware, so Costner doesn't have to butcher an accent.

YES, I know what you're thinking: Marley doesn't have an original thought in his tiny, empty head and has shamelessly lifted his thesis from Xmastime circa four years ago:

Costner's accent. For fuck's sake...in this flick he's playing Kennedy adviser Kenny O'Donnell. Kenny O'Donnell...does anyone have any idea how Kenny O'Donnell talked in real life? Is his speech pattern/accent Cosell-esque; ie ingrained in us so much that an actor would have to try to imitate it? Anyone whipping out their Ken O'Donnell imitations at dinner parties? For fuck's sake Kevin you're not playing one of the Kennedys; I can fucking promise you there's not a single person watching the movie that is thinking "hey, waaaaaaaiit a minute...THAT'S not how Kenny O'Donnell talked! This is bullshit!!"

Could've just talked normally, nobody would've cared. 

But before you run off thinking such a thing and get miffed at Marley you need to remember that I am also about a foot taller than him, so. Cough.

This is So Depressing

I just caught a whiff of Spring.  Wtf.  What happened to Winter?  MY time!?  :(

BREAKING NEWS: Former College Running Back Whom No One Would Even Remotely Remember Had He Not Played With a Guy Whose Last Name Started with D-I-C-K Hates Fags.

Timothy Hutton Depressing Note du Jour

The exact number of years has passed since Beautiful Girls as had Ordinary People preceding it. Ugh.

I Have Officially Run Out of Interesting Things to Say

Judging by the volume of notes scribbled in my 16/17th century British Lit anthology (ie, shit I read in 1993 when I had a goddam girlfriend) I seem to have greatly cared about Sir Thomas Wyatt, John Donne, and Milton's Areopagitica, and nothing else. Though I remember preferring Faustus to Shakespeare. Hmm.

The Catholic Church is Full Of Shit

Sully points out the Catholic Church's bullshit hypocrisy on obsessing over birth control while having no problem with Santorum and Gingrich leading the league in demanding more preemptive war and torture:

 And the answer, alas, is that the current Vatican has lost the forest for the trees. It obsesses about complicity with contraception - and plans a p.r. campaign months ahead of time - and yet cannot condemn an avowed Catholic defending torture and pre-emptive warfare - two moral enormities next to which the pill seems trivial.

I can't claim to know the reason why, I've only been back to church for a week, but I do know that 50 years ago people were worried that John F. Kennedy would answer to the Pope; now we seem to be nearing a scenario in which the Pope takes his cues from someone like Rick Santorum. It'd be nice if Catholics called the Church out on their bullshit, but obviously women taking a pill to not only prevent unwanted pregnancies (ie, future moochers from the socialist dole) but also to regulate their own health is way more destructive than bombing the fuck out of hapless countries and committing torture that accomplishes exactly nothing - ie, what Jesus would surely do. Obviously.

Italian American

I'm watching My Cousin Vinny for the 54,012th time this week, and I must say I'm surprised they gave Ralph Macchio's character the All-American name "Billy" and not the "oooh, isn't he in-your-face Italian!" name  of "Tony."  I mean, he thinks he gets busted for stealing canned tuna fish, which surely would've rankled you-know-who.

Schmidt Happens

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea."

You people know the single-most thing I hate in this world is giving credit for something to somebody other than myself, but I hafta give Op propers for directing to my attention that Schmidt from New Girl is fucking hilarious.  He's by far the best new character on tv; everything he says now is en fucking fuego.

Heart Attack.

Yesterday a guy I knew all the way from first grade through high school died.  I'm not saying we were bff, but as it always is with small towns, he was a somewhat constant presence.  His mother was my 4th grade teacher. He was a really, really nice guy.

He was a year younger than me, was in fantastic shape when I saw him last June at Rivahfest, and yet dropped dead of a "massive" heart attack (isn't any heart attack "massive" if it kills you?")  Meanwhile, I've lived like Caligula at a Pizza Hut buffet convention, and I'm perfectly alive.  He owned a funeral home, providing comfort for the grieving, and had a wife and two children.  I spend my days wondering how I can make money pairing Colt 45 and mother/daughter porn, and I'm perfectly alive.  Makes no fucking sense.  When I heard the news, a shot went through my brain "dude, let this be a fucking warning for you," and I've felt guilty ever since for thinking that I could possibly believe that him living and dying was solely to signal to me to get healthier; that somehow, his life was not only less important than mine, but existed to serve mine. Fucking hell.

It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive, but sometimes you can feel a bit guilty.

More Zip Code Stuff

The zip code represented by todays date would be 22312, which may be found in Lincolnia, VA. I'm from Virginia and have never heard of Lincolnia, but I have heard of Annandale, and I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people in Lincolnia have some serious $crillah.

PREVIOUS XMASTIME ZIP CODE GENIUS:

Today is 1/12/11, or 11211 aka the coolest zip code in the nation that's not 90210. Well, or that's what people who live in Williamsburg have told us for the last decade.  Apparently, I'm the only one who's noticed this for some reason, although in FreeWilliamsburg's defense, it's only 8:30am and they're prolly still coming home from the night's secret loft party (surprise show by The Arcade Wizard Pornographers Killers Weekend!) We'll see what happens as the day opens up.

On a side note, my zip code growing up was 22560, which would be 2/25/60.  I don't know anything that happened that day, other than it being George Harrison's 17th birthday. Happy birfday George!  Kind of!

On my own 17th birthday, my girlfriend gave me a cassette of The Replacements' Don't Tell a Soul. Hey, almost 22 years later, and here we are!

GOP "Debate"

I could only stomach a few minutes of the debate last night, but, again, the #1 strategy for each candidate seems to be less to promote his own ideas on how to better the country and more to convince the audience that he hates Obama more than the next guy.  We're about two debates away from one of them finally upping the ante by claiming Obama is worse than Hitler times Stalin and even slightly worse than OJ Simpson.  If I was a candidate, I'd simply throw down the gauntlet by turning to the camera and saying "if you elect me president, I will march to The White House and shoot that fucking n---er in the fucking head."  I mean, what's up with all this dancing around, pussy nonsense?  Just skip ahead to the third act already, for chrissake.

"Then I'd stuff that nappy head in the shitter and flush a coupla times, 'how you like me now, Sambo!'"

Zip It

If I lived in the area code that is also my birthday, 71472, I'd be living in Sieper, Louisiana.  After some extensive research online, it turns out that nothing even remotely interesting has ever happened or come out of Sieper, Louisiana.  The main road is named after someone who's not even from Louisiana, but is bravely standing between civilization and the making of Rambo V, so.

Congratulations, Ladies

Your chance for my intimacy may still come, as it turns out I might be more willing to settle for less!

But most shocking was how many of the single men wanted to settle down—and how willing they were to lower their standards to make that happen. A whopping 31 percent of adult men said they’d commit to a person they were not in love with—as long as as she had all the other attributes they were looking for in a mate—and 21 percent said they'd commit under those same circumstances to somebody they weren't sexually attracted to. The equivalent numbers for women were far lower.

It's like I always say: squirrels don't fist each other for no reason, Uncle Nuts!

MZA in the NYT

You people know there's nothing more I hate than shining a light on close friends who are having a better life than me, but here's Xmastime buddy Mamalizza in the New York Times!  :)  She has the same delighted look whenever Real Housewives of _________ comes on the tv, btw.

With her is The Parsley Thief.  I have no idea why Kevin Smith is at the next table.

You Can't Have "Trickle Down" Without "Tricked"...Well, and an L...and O...and, Obviously, W and N Too.

Will There Be a RED Castle Now?

Everytime I pass by White Castle they're blammering all over about some new fucking sandwich they've come up with. What? People can barely stomach the shit burgers you're famous for; who're the wizards in the lab coming up with this shit every few months? Chicken sandwich, chicken jalepeno sandwich, fish nibblers, clam muffalettas and almond grenadine raspberry nibblers. Who's in the boardroom pushing for this shit? New chicken ITALIANO!! Yes, I'm sure it's EXACTLY like you'd get at fucking Bamonte's. Hmm. I'm thinking "burn victim parts with ketchup, 99 cents please." I love that they put "for a limited time" in the ad. Oh no!!! Better hurry up and get there before they're all snatched up and you have nothing else to eat on the toilet!!!! Camon White Castle, save your fucking money with all this experimenting crap. Hey, if I'm in a fucking White Castle, guess what? I'm already shitfaced!! Just gimme a sack of your rat-fur burgers with jizz-cheese and let me get the fuck outta there. Camon. Enough!!! -XMASTIME

I thought their stab at Surf 'n Turf was their nadie, but now it looks like they're adding wine to the now-long "what will the wizards in the White Castle lab come up with next?" list.

Matt Yglesias doesn't hold out much hope for this experiment's success.  Long before the wine injection I worried White Castle was pricing themselves out of their own market, and now here they are trying to reach yet another level that nobody who's ever been to a White Castle aspires them to reach.

Although I'm proud to have been the person to introduce Big Bear and Husky to the Wonderful World of White Castle on May 22, 2009.  You're welcome, fellahs!

State du Moi: Playground

Desperately trying to let the hot nanny see I have no wedding ring.

The Manny Tapes 2012 Episode: "Back in the Office"

If A-Rod Gets Off To a Slow Start This Season, I'll Know Why

It's called FOCUS, asshole!

Buchanan.

Among others in the blogosphere, Andrew Sullivan is crying foul on MSNBC finally ditching Pat Buchanan.  Underneath all of Sully's reasoning we find the real reason he's miffed - that behind closed doors and in green rooms, Buchanan is a nice guy who once sent Sully a comforting note upon finding out he had the HIV virus.  Also, all the folks on Joe Scarborough's show lamented his being let go because he was a "friend to everyone." Which is all warm and fuzzy, and perfectly understandable.  Once someone's your friend, it's hard to fully admit they might be batshit about a lot of things. But that doesn't mean we need to be subjected to whatever cockamamie ideas Buchanan wants to spew on us any day in the name of being "fair and balanced."  This is 2012 - do we REALLY need a voice to represent the daily hysteria of the fears that white America is being taken over by dark people? Really? Fair and vigorous debate always has a place at the table, but at some point continually bringing someone in to claim 2+2=5 just for some sort of "fair equivalence" is nonsense.

Alyssa Rosenberg:

Sunlight is the best disinfectant only if the ideas at hand have actual traction and need to be dislodged. Nobody takes seriously the ideas that Jerry Sandusky’s alleged abuse and rape of children has any connection to marriage equality for gay couples, or that Anders Brevik, the Norway terrorist, has the right worldview. Their credibility has nowhere to go but up, and lending someone a seat at the table confers some of that credibility, even if it’s only to acknowledge that the idea has power that’s dangerous. That risk should be weighed against the possible benefit of debunking the most marginalized, weak ideas by debating them in public.

Just because someone has "convictions" doesn't make those convictions worthy of being aired on national tv every day as part of a serious "debate." We don't have a representative from the "the moon landing was a  hoax!" gang on every time we celebrate the moon landing.

The scary thing is actually how long it took to get rid of him, although not really surprising since once you become a pundit o tv it's virtually impossible to get rid of them, no matter how inane they are. Pat Buchanan is hardly history's greatest monster, but if he's gonna be spouting out stupid shit like this on a regular basis, I can't say I'm gonna miss him, either. He doesn't deserve a place at the table ad infinitum just for existing.

Goals. I Have Them.

I wanna casually refer to albums as "platters", Alex P. Keaton-style.

You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

It's easy to hate on my girl Miley Cyrus (nom nom nom!) as some cheezy pop star, but here she is killing it with Dylan's You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.

Suck it, h8ers!!

Of course it don't hold a candle to when the Jo Bros were on Hannah Montana, but hey.

The Most Ridiculous Turnover Ever

By Corey Maggette (I thought Duke was for smart kids?!?!)  Doesn't have the historical significance of Freddy Brown to James Worthy, but it does remind me of how Derrick Chievous would sometimes shout "check!" when an opposing player would be inbounding the ball.

Mukluks: Marley

Whitney Houston, Some Flags, Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce

David Sirota HERE says the problem with  Rex Ryan  Chris Christie ordering NJ's flags to be flown at half-mast to honor Whitney Houston "is about race and gender, not drugs."

To be honest, when I first saw that quote under the headline I thought he meant Christie was jumping to do such a thing to show "hey, look, Republicans like black people and women!".  But that's not the case:

When famous white men engage in illicit activities, American culture allows them to nonetheless retain their street cred, their wholesome image and their public honor. In some instances, in fact, the illicit behavior contributes to their mystique and their legacy — it is seen as a cool part of who they are. This is exactly why one of the iconic images of Sinatra is him in a tux with a highball in his hand — because a white, male-dominated culture accepts — and even at times celebrates — the blemishes of fellow white men.

By contrast, when famous women — and particularly famous women of color — engage in the same behavior, the same swath of America that celebrates the Presleys and Sinatras often reacts with indignant disgust. Hence, the backlash to Christie daring to minimally honor Houston — a reaction that shows a white, male-dominated culture which accepts the imperfections of white males simultaneously refuses to accept the imperfections of “the other.”

That's tough to argue and seems pretty true, but I'm still surprised a state government would do such a thing for her.  Frankly, I'm surprised she can be seen as big enough of an icon to warrant having a state's flags flown at half-mast.  For one, I've never considered her to be in Elvis/Michael Jackson territory fame wise, though that might just be me (I can't say I ever sat down and listened to a Whitney Houston album, but obviously many people did.) Mostly, until her death I'd never heard her being associated with the state of New Jersey.  So it's not like when Springsteen dies and the whole state shuts down - he's worn his Jersey roots as a badge of honor for decades and rarely goes more than three seconds without reminding you where he's from.  Meanwhile, I had absolutely no earthly idea Whitney Houston was from NJ until her death; I certainly don't remember it coming up a lot during that wretched reality show of hers.

Beatles = Funny.

One other thing that has always made The Beatles so great is that the were always flat-out funny; as I've mentioned ad nauseum, their being funny is what got them a record deal in the first place.

Here's a wrapup of the solo comedy careers of The Beatles:

Usually the most famous people in the world do not have a very good sense of humor about themselves, or a capacity for self-effacement. Angelina Jolie and Bob Dylan, for example, look to be joyless chores of boring and seriousness. Fortunately the Beatles, the biggest celebrities who have ever dared to walk amongst us and change the weather with their moods, were perhaps too famous to ever not be completely weirded out by fame, and thus had a pretty witty attitude about the whole thing. What I’m saying is that unlike Jolie or Dylan, John, Paul, George, and Ringo, have been consistently funny and game over the years. (I’m not counting the innately funny Beatles projects like A Hard Day’s Night or Help! — strictly solo stuff here.)

The big highlights to me are Paul McCartney being interviewed by Chris Farley on SNL and the fact that we it not for George Harrison, Life of Brian would not exist.  Also pretty great was George Harrison trying to get the $3000 Lorne Michaels had offered for a Beatles reunion:

"$750 is pretty chintzy." ~ George Harrison to Lorne Michaels on an SNL episode, upon finding out he'd only get 1/4 of the $3,000.

And of course, the urban legend that John and Paul almost surprised Lorne Michaels by showing up.

During the first season of "Saturday Night Live," (April, 1976) producer Lorne Michaels parodied the multimillion dollar offers for a Beatles reunion by publicly offering the "generous" sum of $3000 live on the air. Little did Michaels know that the offer nearly succeeded, with John and Paul going so far as to call a taxi to take them to the studios from the nearby Dakota. (Where the duo were watching the show together) As John relates in his "Playboy" interview, "We nearly got into a cab, but we were actually too tired."

They were laugh out-loud funny the second they got off the plane at JFK.

America.

Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of John Glenn becoming the first American to orbit the Earth.  While my hat's off to him, I remain more impressed by his backup, Scott Carpenter, who went on to be not only the 2nd American to orbit the Earth but was referenced in Peanuts!!!

On a side note, when I saw that Glenn's feat was an IEEE (Institute of Electrical and Electronics, duh) Milestone, I clicked over to the list and am now a bit curious re: why has nothing been added to this list since the late 70's compact disc and Speak & Spell? Wtf? Is this just a shitty list, or are achieving electrical and electronic milestones just one more thing we now suck at?

Xmastime Regrets

The office kitchen area is near my desk and my Office Crush walked over to it, from which I could hear the sounds of her squeezing out some mustard or mayo or whatever to apply to a sandwich.  The sounds from the plastic bottle were QUITE queefy; I was tempted to say, through the wall of my cubicle, "Hey, are you playing with your pussy?"

Je Regret: I didn't say a word.

Some other regrets HERE.

I Got a D in Econ, So You Need to Listen to Me Here

Matthew Yglesias HERE shakes his head at the absurdity of the Dow Jones:

This just goes to show that the Dow's creators already "know" the right answer (from looking at the S&P 500 and the Wilshire 5000) and then are trying to assemble an index to create the predetermined result. It's fine as a publicity stunt for the various firms that have owned the rights to the DJIA over the decades, but it makes no sense to refer to it as an indicator of anything other than the index-makers' tradecraft.

Of course a few years ago I pointed out that the only practical use of the Dow Jones seems to be to scare people who have no idea what it even is.

More importantly, this reminds me of my wanting to get a hamster:

Of course getting wound up about the daily ups and downs of the Dow, one way or the other, is silly. And obviously this silence is just typical "blame the other guy/don't give credit" political gamesmanship that any party does when it can. What you should take from this is

1) I am smarter than you.
2) I am better than you.
3) I'm thinking about getting a hamster to keep myself company. This is what it's come to. I'll call him "Hameneggz." "Hammy"? Hmm.

"Hameneggz"!!!! Ha!  I slay me!

Class. I've Found It.

JWoww finally lets us in on her eight PILFS ("Presidents I'd Like to Fuck.")

George Washington
Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!

Wisely she knows she's way to white for ol' TJ.

"Dear Ms. Berry? Or Miss H. Berry? Dear Halle?...oh, I do loves me some mochachina..."

Homer at the Bat

It was 20 years ago yesterday that one of the most famous Simpsons episodes of all time aired, Homer at the Bat:

Now it was using nine guests, some of whom were obvious baseball Hall of Famers. The end result was not only an iconic piece of pop culture but a loving satire of baseball that looks downright prescient today, here on the other side of the Mitchell Report. Our heroes got drunk in bars, ingested odd substances because they were told to, and mindlessly clucked like diseased poultry. "Homer at the Bat" felt vaguely forbidden, like an animated addendum to Ball Four. This was the side of the sport we never saw.

I can't remember the last time I actually watched a Simpsons episode, and I'm shocked they still crank them out, but this is one I've sen a hundred times and can watch 100 more.  Straw's kiss-ass character is the funniest.  "You said it, Skip!"

It's Official: Linsanity Has Reached Another Level.

Here's Paul McCartney at the Garden Friday night, cheering his ass off for the Knicks.

Oh look, here's his smoking hot new wife with him. Nom nom nom!

Oh oh - now Paul is suspicious about his girl really believing in Linsanity....

...so he punches the shit out of her.