Where Do I Send My CV?

Who's the wizard that's running the McCain campaign? The dad from Family Guy? Seriously, can I send my resume in? I can't do any worse; I think in the meeting of brainiacs that decided to go with Britney and Paris in the "Obama is a celeb" video I might've spoken up that we instead use, you know...anybody else. Maybe a celebrity or two that isn't associated with white trash, stupidity and drunk driving. But enough about Laura Bush. Hey, OJ's famous, why not use him?

But I'll you what I love about these political ads: the now-ubiquitous "I'm Candidate Shithead, and I approved this ad." Hmm. Really? It's like the airport "did you pack your bag yourself" question, right? "No, I have no idea what the hell is in here. I'm hoping sweet tarts and a deck of cards." Just once I'd like to see a politician show up at the end of one of these ads with "I'm Candidate Shithead. And I have no idea what the fuck this ad was about." Paid for by Whatshisface, the Guy with the Baby Arm.

Oh, For FUCK'S Sake

A coupla days ago it was paying Iraqis not to fight, today it's paying Brett Favre NOT to play. Jesus fucking christ. People in this country working 2 or 3 jobs to scrape pennies together, and we gotta see this shit. Unbelievable. Hey, I'm in my drawers scratching my fucking balls wondering if it's kosher to rub one out while watching Jaws for the 645th time, where's MY fucking check?

Grrrrr.

Interesting.

I've noticed that no matter where in the country you are or which direction you're facing, it's always "out west" and "back east." Never the other way around. Hmm. Interesting.

Favorite Girl Scout cookie: Tagalongs.

Favorite Girl Scout nookie: Tongalongs.

Barack's Veep?

Hey, I know nobody wants to get busted Edwards-style over a $400 haircut, but I mean gotdam...drop a FEW bucks at the barber shop, no? For fuck's sake. Do you serve appetizers on that thing at cocktail parties? Yeesh.

Today's Widow Crush

Always had a thing for a young Ethel Kennedy. Over-tanned, teeth out front mingling with the crowd telling knock-knock jokes, always looking at home in a lil tennis skirt. Sigh. Mrs. Xmastime-Kennedy. Still single, I would guess?

McCain's a Doucheshoe

It's absurd to anyone with half a brain to take McCain's accusations of Obama being an elitist seriously, many reasons of which are listed here. But it will be fun to sit back and see how many dumbass red state middle class jagoff idiots fall for this shit for a THIRD time in a row...how's that beer with Bush going, guys?

And if you're gonna play this game, don't fucking show up in $500 shoes. And if you're gonna be dumb enough to play this game and yet still wear shoes that cost $500, at least have the brains to choose some that are from the country you claim to put first, above all else. I wonder how many jackasses out there who went apoplectic over John Edwards' $400 haircut will have a problem with McCain's shoes. Hmm. That's a real mystery.

On a side note though, I must say it's great to see that you can get your ass handed to you in a Super Bowl and still recover enough to succeed wildly in the Italian shoe game. Kudos!

Just W Being W

Over on ESPN.COM there’s a funny quiz wherein you hafta guess if a certain line was said by/about Brett Favre or Manny Ramirez, both of whom have caused their teams aggravation while on the way out the door. Incredibly, as I was reading the quotes I realized that with over half of them, a third name could’ve applied.

Brett Favre
Manny Ramirez
George W. Bush

Dying!


"I'm tired of them. They're tired of me."

"He makes more money than everyone else at the company yet somehow escapes the usual class resentment, and even commands more respect from the wage slaves, who suspect he is secretly one of them, than from his colleagues in business class."

"I think the sooner the better for all of us involved: [him], myself, our organization, our team. That's my opinion on it, but I don't have control over that and I have to keep moving forward."

"It's a shame it had to come to this."

"That's something neither side wants, but it would be the next stage in the game."

"Hopefully, this whole situation will come to an end fairly quickly. Quite honestly, if it doesn't, it just gets worse for everyone."

"I'm sure there are a lot of fans out there thinking, from what they've heard, that [I am] a traitor, [I want] to play elsewhere." (ha! as in...becoming president of Iraq, as I suggested HERE?)

"I'm just going to say it's disappointing. I'm not going to get into anything else. It's disappointing."

"The nonsense has reached a point where it's just not worth it anymore."

Second Hand Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

While in my youth from 1977 to 1984, the year my little brother was born, my family went on camping trips every summer. Two weeks in the heart of Skyline Drive, every year. Each year we'd all load up into the huge white Chevy Impala, with it's paint chips on the outside of the window just waiting to jump into our mouths to kill us forever, and we'd cruise the hours and hours (looking back now....it was barely 3 hours...at the time, seemed like we were fucking going to Saturn...) and before our ears would start popping we'd have the radio on. Which, like every single other radio at the time, might as well have been named FLEETWOOD MAC RADIO. I guess Rumors was still on everybody's mind...from Go your Own Way to Don't Stop to Dreams, this fucking record was the soundtrack to our mountain drives for fucking years. Years passed, and the only song that was allowed into the Impala after that was Landslide; a pseudo Rumors cut. Damn. All we heard, as I remember.

Then as I got older, I kept hearing about Rumors, how it was one of the best albums of all time. Hmm, I thought, none of the songs I knew really blew me away. I knew that well, they must've been huge in their time, since my youth was a virtual video to their songs, but whenever I reminded myself of the track sequence of Rumors (MINUS, obviously, the one song I did like, Landslide) I just didn't see what the hullabaloo was about. Album kinda sucks, I remember thinking. Always thought the album kinda sucked.

Then a coupla years ago, maybe ten years ago, I was at the Nest and in the middle of yammering about Len Bias I heard a song wafting through the air, and I stopped talking, and I listened, and I walked to the fucking juke to see what it was. And what do you know?

It was the lead off track of Rumors.

Which I had never heard. Hell, listening to the song, I wouldn't even have guessed it was Fleetwood Mac...but it was.

Rumors had FOUR different singles released from the album: Go Your Own Way, Dreams, You Make Loving Fun, and Don't Stop. We've all heard each of those songs 995,000 times. What song could they not bother to release as a single?

The ONE song that to me was THE song of the album, the fucking song of the half-decade, the song that SHOULD'VE been the one that escorted us to the mountains all those years. I'll never understand why Second Hand News gets overlooked as it does - is there another example of a song that leads of an album of the ages that is completely ignored yet is twice as good as any of the "classic" singles from said albums? Wtf?

Second Hand News is a slice of slices. How it's been ignored for so long is a mystery. But tonite, while spitting out car paint chips and pipe smoke and with my ears popping, I give you the single greatest song in the whole canon of Fleetwood Mac. The song that led off the album that gave them their immortality...that is ignored.

If the Decade Ended Today....

...then this would be the song of the decade. Ridiculously amazing.

Myspace Alert

Those that know me know how much I hate to admit that a song post-Tim might actually be good, so you know it pains me to point out two of my friend Adam's amazing cuts HERE: Metropolitan and, my super-slice, Isolation (best chorus ever?) The greatest compliment I can give Adam is that it's been days now, and I still haven't bothered listening to the third track - it took my all summer to get to the second song on Masquerade, so.

The production here is a bit cheesy compared to the raw demos I saw him lay down, but the songs are still fucking awesome. So check em out. I wonder if he knows Gordon?

Greatest Hits, Track 6

Tonight Dave was telling me about playing with Bruce at Giants Stadium the other night and somehow we got to scheming re: getting Christine to Bruce's house and falling off one of his horses so we can sue Bruce's a$$ off, and it made me go down memory lane a bit with this post from....January. Hmm. So far back. Anyways, enjoy!

I spent the weekend crying in my Cheerios that I wasn't gonna post me and Dave's E Street radio show after all; I was steaming about the powers that be taking liberties with cutting out what I remembered to be some great "bits" (my complete resequencing of The River!!!)and replacing them with cuts we never chose ourselves, a la "Price You Pay" and "Working on the Highway." I was en fuego as I recall, and now I feel neutered. But then I remembered you know what, it's not about Xmas for once, it's all about a coupla guys getting to blow up Bruce, which I'm always more than happy to do. So here it is, enjoy!



PS - I fucked up the recording near the end; and of course the part that gets cut is me talking about what I woulda put on Born in the USA. Ah well. Say la vee.

Facebook College Crush Update (Episode: So Long, Baby. It's Been For Reals.)

Invitation back into my life?

Withdrawn.

Good luck with future projects/douchebags.

Facebook College Crush Update

3:58pm. Going on 32 hours.

Nothing.

:(

Facebook College Crush Update (Episode: The Endgame)

You know what - Nerdhappy is right. I'm giving this chick til 4:55pm today to respond. No response = I'm pulling my invite. Fuck her!!

Stay tuned to see if she writes. Grrr.

College Crush Facebook Update.

11:39am. 27 & 1/2 hours. No word.

:(

Finally, A Good Idea

I was kinda vaguely cruising thru the news about Ted Stevens, the Alaskan Senator who's in deep shit, just kinda laughing that anyone who was already older than myself when the state he represents actually became a state should get a BIT of a pass, when I stumbled upon the Alaskan Independence Party. The AKIP's goal is for Alaskan secession. Now, I think the country is waaaaay too big as it is, so I happily applaud any state that wants to leave. Wanna go? Wonderful! Get the fuck out!!

Texas has always been on my list; Texas is always yammering about how what a great country it'd be by itself. Wonderful! Get the fuck out!! Have fun sitting next to the kid on the bus who eats his own boogers: Mexico.

Florida needs to get one of these parties going too. Cause they need to get the fuck out. And Vermont and New Hampshire, you're both cute, you don't hurt anybody, but only one of you can stay. Everybody thinks you're the same state, and nobody gives a shit about either of you, so choose which of you gets to stay and which one leaves. It doesn't matter which. Same with Arizona and New Mexico - you're the same state that nobody gives two shits about. One of you gottsta get the fuck out. As for Maine: one day Stephen King is gonna die, and then the rest of us will start to wonder what the fuck you're doing still hanging around. Snippity snip! Get the fuck out!

I applaud Alaska. Get some names on a petition, send it in tout suite and we'll have a big ol' farewell party. You motherfuckers don't pay taxes anyways, so get the fuck out!

Cows

The one ding in the theory of evolution in my eyes is cows. What the fuck - we have spent century after century shredding cows of their meat, their flesh, their fur, their milk; EVERYthing we can gets our mitts on from a cow, we're taking. And yet cows haven't changed at all. They've stayed the exact same - they still just stand there like fucking idiots in the middle of fields. All the things listed above we've taken from them, and you can pretty much run up to a cow in a pasture screaming at the top of your lungs waving a lighter and a bottle of BBQ sauce, and it just stands there with that dumb, blank stare at it chews on some more fucking grass. "Hi! Wanna reach under me and rob my body of some free milk, stranger? You got it!"

They haven't even learned to camouflage themselves. You'd think their hides would be green by now. Nope. White and black. Usually in spots, so you you're sure who to blow away with a stun gun to get some steak chops.

Cows. Fucking idiots.

Oh, look. They can't even get fucking right.

Waiting.

Earlier this morning I used Facebook, supposedly the newest and best in ex-girlfriend stalking software, to look up my college girlfriend. Whom I haven't laid eyes on since...college. Anyways, didn't find her - prolly wants no connection with the outside world ever since I dumped her sorry ass. In 1995. Cough.

BUT. While looking for her I DID find her best friend/roommate who, interestingly enuff, I was in love with the whole time me and _____ were dating. "In love" may be strong, but certainly pined/had pangs for etc. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful - and you wanna talk about someone who would be in the dictionary under "Xmastime's Perfect Horse-Faced Lady." Damn. AND she loved Neil Diamond!!! So I said fuck it, and asked her to be my friend. I think she might be the first invite in my Facebook career, actually. Does she even remember me?

Well. That was at 8:00am. 14 hours ago. Waiting for her confirmation.

Still waiting. It is now 10:10pm.

Hmm.

I'm Not Dylan McKay (No, Seriously!!!)

One of the many, MANY ways in which I am different from a Beverly Hills 90210 character is how we would deal with serious situations. For instance, in an episode I just watched, Kelly got raped. She was supposed to meet with Dylan to keep him from getting high, and while en route got raped. The next day, Dylan tracks her down.

Dylan: Where the hell where you last night? Dammit Kelly I needed you!!!
Kelly: I was raped.
Dylan: Oh, god. (pulls her into his arms, stares out over her shoulder with that steely "Look out bad guys, Beverly Hill's #1 millionaire 112-lb bad-ass is putting the word out: start running" look that only Dylan can pull off.)

See? Right away, no questions asked, Dylan gets the heaviness of the whole thing and acts quickly to comfort. Doesn't seem even remotely surprised that this girl has been raped. I guess when you roll the thug life like Dylan, nothing surprises you. Kelly raped? Sure. Nat's outta Sweet & Low? Dammit! Gotta go undercover in Mexico to recover millions of dollars? Sure.

Myself, I don't handle these things as surely as Dylan. Something like a friend of mine being raped would be, you know, a surprise to me.

Xmastime: Where the hell where you last night? Dammit Kelly I needed you!!!
Kelly: I was raped.
Xmastime: Heyoooooo! Hey, how come I never get raped, huh? Nice Jewish princess, grabbing me in an alley and-
Kelly: no, Xmas, I'm serious. A guy attacked me in the alley and raped me.
Xmastime: Hmm.
Kelly: I was violated.
Xmastime: Really? No shit?
Kelly: What?
Xmastime: Kelly, listen, if you're fucking around with me, this isn't funny.
Kelly: Xmas!!
Xmastime: Yo mama jokes and farts are funny.
Kelly: What are you-
Xmastime: saying you were raped? Not funny.
Kelly: (starting to cry)
Xmastime: So...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Fuckin...fucking a, huh?
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: So...seriously? You were raped?
Kelly: Yes!
Xmastime: I mean, really raped?
Kelly: !
Xmastime: Ahhhhhh....
Kelly: I don't know what I'm gonna do...
Xmastime: Well, you know, ahhhh...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Man...that sucks...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Hmm. Hey, how come I never get raped, huh? Nice horse-faced chick, maybe wearing a tight -
Kelly: (runs off)
Xmastime: Hmm. Fuckin a. Hmm. Hey, she'll be okay. She'll be just fine. How bout an atomic burger, Nat?

Ah well. As Jefferson once said, "Always take hold of things by the smooth handle. And that includes if I'm raping you, beyotches."

Postscript: was there any conceivably dangerous plotline they didn't give Kelly? Kelly gets raped. Kelly gets raped AGAIN (attempted), and has to shoot the dude. Kelly gets shot randomly, Kelly lived in a gutter with other crack rats, Kelly almost gets killed in a fire, Kelly had every eating disorder, Kelly was on the Space Shuttle Challenger, Kelly was on the Titantic, Kelly was at Dealey Plaza and Kelly sold victrolas in Nagasaki. Jesus fucking christ. We get it: she's a snobby bitch of a cunt who looks down on everybody else and I wish was dead! We get it, enough already!!

My minute-by-minute blow (ha!) on Kelly HERE.









"You were raped? What the...was he bigger than me? ANSWER ME, KEL!!!!!"

Tuesday Writing with Snoopy

Always Costanza

I was thinking of the Hillary post below, and I think she could take some pointers from our old pal Costanza.

A Little Couth, Please

Via Sully's bloggity-blog:

"It sure is nice having a little more time on my hands, and I'd love to spend some of it with you. Would you like to join me for dinner? [We can] talk about whatever you'd like" - Hillary Clinton, in a fundraising email sent today.

Yes Hillary your presidential campaign is over, but...you do know you're still a Senator, right?

Hey, I know she was trying to be funny, light etc. Okay. But in today's times, and with Congress' -119% approval rating, is this really the best time to convey a picture of yourself kicking your feet up at a Hojo's Diner, looking for something to do/talk about? Really? Isn't there ANYTHING to do in Congress these days? Just waiting for the softball playoffs?

Not the Worst Way to Spend a Monday Night

My buddy Dave got to blow up Twist and Shout last night at the Meadowlands with...BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!! Awesome!!

You can't really see him much til towards the end when Bruce pulls him in to sing; he's the one with the hat. Duh. And unlike the fourteen people a night Bruce usually surrounds himself with, Dave sounds like he's actually playing guitar! Check it out here. And thank you, Mr. embedding disabled by user faggot. Grr.

Buy Marah here!

Dave & Serge with Bruce in 2003 here.

College Update

I just found this picture of my college online; it should give you an idea of the kind of wizards it attracted. Take a close look. Notice something odd? I count 4 people that are carrying books. Wtf? 4 people, in the middle of a college campus, carrying books. Wow. If you stumbled upon this picture, would it even occur to you it was a college campus? Seems to be just a picture of young people walking around in circles "wow, look...bricks!"

Sigh.

Big Idiot on Campus

I just found a copy of my college transcript, and I see that I finished ranked 504th in a class of 536. In a word: wow. I mean good lord; how do you do that shitty in college and still actually finish? I knew I was a lazy jagoff, but wow. Hey, I guess it's like what they say about doctors, right? SOMEBody has to finish in the bottom half of the class!

You'd think anyone doing that crappy, there'd be a reason. Dyslexia, vertigo...death? I'm reminded of a dude in some math class in high school who got a 4 on a test. I remember being baffled...a FOUR? Really? You'd think that once a grade dips under a certain level, like a 60 or something, it would slide all the way to 0; ie the work simply would not have been done. To actually take a test, complete the test, turn it in and get your grade back and it's a 4? I even remember him following along as we went over the answers.

So let's take a moment to pat ME on the back. It's hard to actually have a pulse for four years, stay enrolled and somehow graduate so close to the bottom, but I did it. Apparently during my college years I was the living, breathing personification of this Bob Ueker quote:

"Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat."

Some highlights, in looking at my transcript:

Beginning Swimming C-
Intro to Theater D-
Beginning Bowling F
Jazz, Folk, Rock and Broadway C- where the fuck was I, the Fame school? Majoring in "Gay"? jesus.
Human Sexuality D figures...I was prolly thinking "hey why study, I'm never gonna use THIS in real life!"
Intro to Leis Serv Deliv C- I don't even know that the fuck class this is...Little Caesar's gave out grades? wtf?
Beginning Yoga C-

Funny thing, as shitty as I did I don't remember really meeting anybody there that I thought was smarter than myself. Which may speak of 1) delusion on my part 2) what a pretend clown college I was at. Hell, I had a French professor who would make fun of us that we were students there; he'd call the school "The Harvard on the Appomattox." Ha!! 504 outta 536? Now I gotta wonder...who the fuck were the 32 brain-dead idiots that finished behind me?

Maybe Miley

This ALLEGEDLY is Miley Cyrus. What the fuck is up with chick clothing these days? I mean, goddam baby...am I hittin that ass, or reading a book?

Me & Lil Bear Chllin! :)

Ohoh. Shark!!! I don’t appear as concerned as I would’ve thought. Well. The shark does have blond hair. And of course my nonchalance is all an act. “Christ,” I remember thinking “if they can get to Seacrest, they sure as shit can get my big ass…”


Here’s me waiting patiently for the attack while the shark does his stomach crunches and leg lifts. The fluffing part of the shark attack business, I guess.


Now the shark has lost a contact lens. This attack is going very slowly…ironically, I’m getting hungry.


Me & Lil Bear set to pose for the camera; I’ve shown him how to do the patented Xmastime “I’m #1!” finger. He does not look impressed.


“Hey asshole!! Around here, we do the two fingers!! Get it right!!!!”


Lil Bear wins, we do the two fingers. Apparently while I try to look like Fozzie Bear.

Thanks to Mamalizza for the pics! :)

My Latest Crush

Dana Bash, CNN Correspondent. Seems like a natural evolution, no? After years of loving horse-faced women, I guess the next logical step is ant-eater.

Shocking News

Amy Winehouse was just rushed to the hospital.

Wow! What the...I wonder why? Slipped in the shower? Cut herself washing dishes? Maybe she was pregnant this whole time and we just didn't know? Good luck Amy!!!

Democrats Suck!!

I tell you one thing: President Bush will be correct in his inevitable upcoming comments re: the stupid fucking Democratic Congress driving the economy into the ground. Ever since they came into power in 2006 the economy has tanked, obviously!! Thanks, 2006 election!!! We hate you!!!

Hmm.

THIS fascinates me.

Hey, I'M not fighting anybody...where's my check, mofo?!?!?!?

Liev Schrieber

I've always said I'd listen to Liev Schrieber narrate the telephone book - he is the undisputed King of Naration. Here's a list of the documentaries I've watched (some over and over) that he's done. Top 5 favorites are in bold. Though fuck, they're all fucking great.

Joe Louis: America's Hero... Betrayed (2008)
Michigan vs. Ohio State: The Rivalry (2007))
Brooklyn Dodgers: The Ghosts of Flatbush (2007)
Mantle (2005)
Nine Innings from Ground Zero (2004)
The Wild Ride to Super Bowl I (2004)
Rebels of Oakland: The A's, the Raiders, the '70s (2003)
A City on Fire: The Story of the '68 Detroit Tigers (2002
:03 from Gold (2002)
The Game of Their Lives: Pro Football's Wonder Years (2001)
Shot Heard 'Round the World (2001)
Do You Believe in Miracles? The Story of the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team (2001)
When It Was a Game 3 (2000)
Rock & Roll (1995) PBS TV mini-series

Greatest Hits, Track 5

Bad Timing, Part XIV

Now THIS shit pisses me off. I was literally SECONDS away from posting re: "What Xmastime Would Do If He Woke Up and Caught Jessica Alba With His Nuts in Her Mouth While Jennifer Love Hewitt Was Making a Batch of Squirrel Foo Young In the Same Room," but now this jagoff has beaten me to the punch. Sure, technically the details are different, but the chance of either of them happening are the exact same. But now if I do my post, I'm gonna look like a copycat. Thanks a lot, asshole!!

WHEN STEREOTYPES LET YOU DOWN

Mamalizza and I took the fellas to the movies this afternoon, and we were the only ones there until about 5 minutes before the flick started when 15 black kids came rolling in and, despite there being a whole theater full of empty seats, single-filed into the row directly behind us. Not to be undone, about 4 of the 6 or so teachers/teachers aids piled in right behind me - each one 200-lb sassy Sherry Stringfield meets Wanda Sykes type. Oh, MAN!!! I gleefully licked my chops, 4 fat loud black women behind me at the movies?? In charge of 15 hyper kids? This is gonna be awesome!!! I turned my brain to "ON", getting ready to take mental note of every hysterical thing they said over the next hour so that I could bring down the house here on XMASTIME. I was thrilled when within 30 seconds of arriving, during a preview, one of them shouted "Oh, start the damn movie already!!" I knew I was about to be in comedy heaven.

But then the movie started, and...nothing. I strained my ears even, nothing. What the fuck? First of all, aren't black people supposed to yell at the screen the whole time? And have you ever been in a room with four fat black women and not laughed your head off? What the fuck?

Maybe they didn't even notice there were white people in the theater? What's next, a Hasid paying full price? Who's in charge of these things anyways?

Very disappointing.

Is He Gay Now Too?

Oh, boy...get out your FOXNEWS foam "We're #1!" fingers tonight, they're gonna have a field day re: France liking Obama. So now Obama is a terrorist-loving surrender monkey Muslim who answers to a whack Reverend in his own (christian) church. Hmm. What a jackass - if there's one thing we've learned both from the American Revolution and our decision-making leading up to this current war, it's that you CANNOT have France on your side, you'll be fucked!

Sigh. Poor, stupid Obama.

Hmm. How Bout That.

From Matthew Yglesias:

There's a global market and a global price. The American consumer filling up his tank doesn't see a difference if the oil's from Mexico or Equatorial Guinea or Kuwait, doesn't see a difference if the oil's owned by TotalFinaElf or ExxonMobil or Citgo. War for oil doesn't mean cheap oil for you.

Makes it all SO worthwhile, doesn't it? If a ten-piece of McNuggets tops $6, can we invade and occupy Mickey D's?


Soul Asylum vid thrown in there to ease the pain!

Heeeeeeeeeey, You Know What I Like?

When a cat takes a dump on the rug, exactly 2 inches from the edge, ie 2 inches away from a hardwood floor that would make it a lot easier to clean up.

Hoooorrraaaaaaaaaaay, Super Incontinent Cat!

What to Watch

The best thing going on television these days is Pioneers of Television - the only thing that sucks is that it only comes on Wednesday for one hour. So set your tivos! Love this shit.

And tonight at 8pm if you're in the Channel 13 area - Sandwiches That You Will Like. Saw this one a few years back; fired up to see that egg foo young sammy they got in St. Louis!! Called a St. Paul, funnily enuff. Check out that chart, that list is impossible to beat. And if I remember correctly, the budget for this thing was about $14. Every joint seemed to have paper tablecloths and wood paneling. Awesome.

Baked Potato Time

Whatever happened to the baked potato? Do people eat these anymore? When I was a kid, anytime you had a meal outside of the house you'd automatically get a baked potato thrown in. Steak, chicken, whatever - if somebody else took your order, you were getting a baked potato.

"What'll it be?"
"I'll have...the baked potato."
"Great. And would you like butter or sour cream?"
"Butter."
"And your baked potato that comes with?"
"Hmm...sour cream."
"Great. I'll be back in a few with your baked potato appetizer."

It's not like I'm hitting fancy restaurants in Manhattan anymore, but I rarely see or hear about the baked potato. Whats up with that?

Rock Me, Xmasdeus

They're showing Amadeus on Ovation this morning. Actually, they're showing it 4 times; I have no idea why this is, since it isn't Mozart's birthday. Though it is J-Lo's now that I think of it, so I guess it does make sense after all.

I've always loved this movie, might be in my Top 25. But the thing is, I cannot see this flick without thinking about backfarts. When I was I guess 13 or so I discovered that if you laid down on a linoleum floor, arched your back and then un-arched it against the floor, it would produce an awesome sound, that of a tremendous fart. And unless it's finding out Bulgaria was included in the Schengen Agreement, what in the world is even possibly funnier to a 13 year-old than farts? And by "13 year-old" of course I mean "living man." And all of a sudden here I was, I had discovered how to produce the greatest of them all when and wherever I wanted! (Side note: a sweaty back = some super delicious cuttin' up!!!)

Anyways, I of course immediately spread the word of my genius to anyone who would hear me, including my friend Ryan, with whom on one hot summer day I found myself hanging out with him at his girlfriend Susan's house watching a video: Amadeus. Susan's two older sisters were there also, along with their mother Phyllis, aka "Phil the Thrill." Phil the Thrill's moniker was incredibly ironic, as she was a calm, placid woman who would say about 6 words a week, none of which you could actually hear. To me and my family these girls were rich and went to private schools etc, which meant that when someone of my ilk was in their house I was to conduct myself with an air of...well, not embarrass myself or my family. Use utensils when presented. Don't shout. Don't act surprised/amazed that the tv has color. This was a family of placid genteelness whose Southern grace was not to be disturbed in any way, much less by Kino riff-raff. So imagine my horror as Ryan started excitedly telling the girls about my new talent. Transcended only by my shock when all three girls sprung up and, as if rehearsed, dragged all the furniture away into the corners of the room, leaving me with a more-than-large-enough patch of floor on which to work my magic - not to be out-done, here comes Phil the Thrill sprinting down the hall "wait for me!!"

Sigh. Amadeus. My first performance.

Autistic

Ham-fisted as he was as usual, unlike pretty much every single thing else Michael Saveage has ever said I can't really say I wholeheartedly disagree with his premise at least. Yes, I know there a plenty of people out there with autistic children, and of course my heart goes out to them, as it would if their kid was deaf, or lost in a custody battle to K-Fed. But as these numbers of one in about 150 kids are autistic started coming out, I had my doubts. 1 in 150? Really? Seemed absurdly high and sudden. To me. But I do see a conflux of what this writer calls "The Kindergarchy" along with today's parent needing a professional to explain WHY Johnny hasn't made it to Princeton before the age of 5. I sense an almost perverse relief in parents that their child may have at least a "touch" of autism (read: special) rather than accept the fact that little Johnny is simply a normal, average, sometimes-idiot sometimes-not run of the mill kid. Which, last I checked, isn't a crime. Yes, I'm sure your child is the single greatest child ever to grace the planet. But I'm also sure he can benefit as greatly from "quit acting like an idiot" as "oh Johnny, you have childhood disintegrative disorder, so it's okay to act like a douchebag...here's certificates of achievement in advance of every single thing you do for the next 18 years until we send you off to a college that has no grades or majors."

Another note on the Savage uproar. I've noticed that unless you're more to the right than Sean Hannity, you're supposed to be outraged and demanding his firing. I would love to see the minutes from my neighborhood's Hipster Parents Meeting. Breathless indignation and fur flying over $50/lb cheese and crackers. But I got a feeling that the same enlightened geniuses who are outraged and rocketed into indignation by Savage's comments also made sure to let you know a few weeks ago how much they loved George Carlin, that he "got it." Reveling in stories of sneaking their parents cds of him into their bedrooms to listen to while writing graphic novels based on Bukowski. Which is funny, cause I wonder if they really listened. I'm sorry, maybe they're retarded?

Second, premise: not all chidren are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply...aren't...going anywhere! And there's nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You can't save them all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go; you gotta cut 'em loose; you gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft.

Sometimes, These Dipshits Make it Too Fucking Easy

I just went to Drudge and for a split second I thought I was looking at The Onion. Obama visits The Wailing Wall, one of the oldest and most hallowed religious landmarks in the history of the world. And at the exact same time, McCain had scheduled a visit to...an oil rig. How fucking perfect is this little juxtaposition? (Canceled, it turns out, due to "weather.") Seriously, you couldn't have scripted this better - it's as if they were on a scavenger hunt and each got the clue "proceed to a place where people may worship." Nice one, John!!!

Orange Soda

On the way home tonite I bought a fucking 2-liter bottle of orange soda. I don't know why...number one, I don't need to be drinking soda. And number 2, I haven't bought orange soda since maybe 1977. I guess over the last few decades, much like using washcloths and wearing white t-shirts that could cover a Buick, I had somehow left drinking orange soda to black people. But tonite, fuck it, for some reason I bought some.

First of all, I had no idea the shit was caffeine-free. Really? Caffeine free while...looking like this?

(note: mine is a 2-liter!!)

Why bother going with no caffeine if you're gonna dump the shit in an open bottle so that it looks like an orange nuclear spill? Just looking at how fucking neon bright this thing is jacks your heart-rate up - I'm scared if I actually drink it I'll get pregnant. I'm thinking about buying another bottle and going outside at midnight and really fucking with planes trying to land at JFK. "Caffeine free." Hmm.

And then, once my eyes had adjusted to the light, I noticed that it actually proudly says on the label CONTAINS 1% ORANGE JUICE. What the fuck. 1%? "WOW!! Somewhere in there, spread out over 2 liters, is a marble-sized amount of real juice!!! Fuck YEAH!!!!!" Why even fucking bother telling me this? You could make it so that 1% of the shit is squirrel cancer, and it would look and taste the fucking same.

Orange soda, eh? a fucking ride, man.

The Hooters

The other day I landed upon the video for "Day by Day" on VH1 Classic, and decided you know what, FUCK CONFORMITY!! and decided that I liked it more than "And We Danced." My Martin Luther moment, one may say.

Of course, I just listened to "And We Danced" and, what do you know, I was wrong.

So of course I YouTube the video, which I prolly saw a million times 20 years ago buty ain't seen it since. For instance, I do not remember this incongruous/nonsequitus/reggietheus intro to the video. What the fuck - who's the wizard behind this one?

"Allllllright guys, so it'll be a big ol' country fair, the Hooters come in and sing their hearts out, everyone's having a great time."
"Meanwhile Jack, let's have a shy, awkward teen love interest with one of the corn dog guys."
"Good one Jeff. Can we make her fat? She is eating corn dogs after all."
"You got it Jack."
"Okay guys, thanks a lot, let's make this happen. Oh, and one more thing - before the real video starts, lets have a 20-second bit with a random car pulling up on the side of the road and throwing some guy in the trunk of their car and driving off. Then, cue the Hooters gang rocking out."
"Hey Jack, the main kidnapper should be a big black guy."
"Shimmy, you're the best in the business and everybody knows it - guys, make it happen. Meeting's over."
"Thanks Jack!" (chorus)
"Let's bounce!"

And hey, kudos for The Hooters accepting the gay kid from Who's the Boss? into the band on keys. Ahead of your time as usual, guys.

I Hate Will Ferrell Vol. CLXII

We all know how I feel about Will Ferrell. But what really kills me is that when left to his own devices, he's not funny. Watch him on a talk show. He's not funny. But he gets huge laughs thanks to a kind of "system" he's perfected: he'll say something kinda dum-dum benign, like "I have a truck" and then give out that completely blank i-have-no-corneas stare. Meanwhile the audience is sitting there and starts thinking "well, it's WF, it must be hysterical" and starts losing their shit. The more he just sits there staring like a fucking dope, the more apeshit everyone goes. I saw him doing this the other night on Letterman or something and I thought you know, it's really fucking genius...say a few words, then stare blankly at people...fuck it, make THEM think of the punchlines themselves. I think in watching Ferrell talk, people subconsciously start coming up with their own jokes in their heads, thinking oh, that's what HE'S thinking. He's in effect making the audience do his work for him. Fucking genius. Maybe one day women will figure this act out, and when their man is horny and looking for some the woman can just walk into the bedroom and deliver the Ferrell Blank Stare until the dude says "you know what you're right, let me take care of this" and whacks off, allowing her to get back to her Redbook.

ANOTHER THING I HATE ABOUT WILL FERRELL: He's taking John C. Reilly, who I thought had the potential to be a great actor, down with him. I won't even dignify their latest one by naming it, and that fucking Walk Hard steaming pile was nothing but him trying to be Will Ferrell. John: GET A NEW FRIEND! SAVE YOURSELF.

If Only He Wasn't Actually Crazy

Joe Klein writes about the many, many completely batshit things McCain has said and will continue saying as President. Let's be honest - if it weren't for the fact that he would have the world blown up by Halloween, McCain would be a comedian's dream President. Dude won't be able to goto sleep at night without some outrageous temper tantrum, whack-shit spewage meltdown. Hell, now that would be a reality show worth giving up any hope as a country for, right? Almost worth secretly hoping he gets elected. For some reason, I see McCain as President acting a lot like this guy (with the ghost of Tony Snow as Press Secretary):

Golden Girls

I just heard that while Bea Arthur played her daughter on The Golden Girls, the recently late Estelle Getty was actually younger. Which made me think of Bea Arthur's inevitable death. Poor thing. Here's a woman that had a career that spanned over 50 years and included at least one ground-breaking role in Maude. Yet all anyone will ever remember about her will be the Jeffrey Ross classic roast line, "I wouldn't fuck her with Bea Arthur's dick." Right? I mean, who doesn't know that line? Might as well put it on her tombstone.

Two Mid-Year Mrs. Xmastime Nominees

Katherine Heigl and Audrina Patridge. Congratulations, ladies. We'll see.

Xmas' Picks

RIP Estelle Getty

Estelle Getty, who of course was in The Golden Girls, and whom everybody woulda guessed had died about fifteen years ago, died this morning at 84. Which is a shame, cause after seeing her in this picture, I was thinking bout gettin up in there. RIP, Estelle.

Soon, Before They Die On Us...

...shouldn't there be a reality show wherein Adam West and William Shatner try to out-creep each other? Just wondering.

BS ETA: NOW!

Because the left-wing pussy liberal media has a "high school crush" on Obama, it seems to be making a big deal out of Obama being cheered on by thousands of Europeans while McCain was greeted by a single reporter and photographer in New Hampshire. Wtf? Hey, guess what - the last time I got off a plane THERE WASN'T A SINGLE REPORTER THERE!!! So quit acting like it was a big deal. He's just getting off a plane. Fucking media crush on Obama NOT FAIR!!!

Never Forget!! That You're a Douchebag!!

Who’s the jackass that originally came up with the “Never Forget!” tag to go along with 9/11? How did this happen? From the very milli-second it became history, there seems to have been someone pushing some weird “make sure they never forget!!” agenda. A little needy, no? I’ve never seen a picture of Auschwitz with “NEVER FORGET!” paint-rolled over it. Have you? 9/11 is like the annoying little brother who is completely unsure about itself whenever it’s big brothers The Holocaust and Hiroshima show up at the dinner table. “Lookit me! Lookit me! I was a tragedy too!!!!!” There’s some weird insecure paranoia going on there. Seems like if it was a big enough deal, it wouldn't hafta fucking chirp so much. We’re still reading about the Battle of Hastings, and that was a thousand years ago. Why? Cause it was a big deal. Hell, there’s not even any video footage of it. So I'm starting a campaign to knock off this "Never forget!! Never forget!! PLEEEEEEEEAE pleeeeeease please never forget!!!!" shit. Enough already. Relax, for fuck’s sake. 9/11 is like the girlfriend with whom you take a break for a few weeks to give each other some space, but then calls you 50 times a day. For fuck's sake, give me time to fucking miss you! Christ, I'm surprised they haven't made us all tattoo "Never Forget!" to the inside of our own eyelids.

There's a German Word for This, I Know It

I posted a while back here re: the absurd jump in price for Yankees tickets in the past few years. And as then, I'm less shocked that the powers that be would have the balls the jack prices up as I am by the fact that the tickets are being scooped up without a thought. I mean, every fucking night is a sellout here. Yes, I know it's the last year in The Stadium, but the same thing happened last year. It doesn't matter who's playing - they could announce the Yankees are playing my nuts and a stuffed lamb, and 55,000 people would sprint to lay down hundreds of dollars to watch. It's really unbelievable, and why I'm kinda thinking about throwing out a price of $30,000/mo. to read this blog and seeing what happens. I'm sure there's a word for that phenomenon, but I don't know what it is. I'm surprised I know what "phenomenon" is.

I thought about this cause I just watched the Mantle doc on HBO for the 899th time. Back then you could lay down about $3 to go to The Stadium to watch Mickey Mantle in person as he was winning ring after ring. And yet I see footage of the games, and there's never anybody in the stands. What the fuck?

The Other Jordan

A few times on Kitchen Nightmares Gordon has thrown out the name “Jordan,” who apparently is a celeb in Britain worthy of the uni-name. For some reason a few minutes ago she popped into my head, and I decided to google her and find out once and for all who she is. And this is what I found. Seems that a year ago Jordan won Britain's "Celebrity Mum of the Year."


Mother of the Year? And…they choose THIS picture? Really? Apparently this chick gets herself photographed more than a black family walking into Neiman-Marcus, and this is the picture they use for an article extolling her as Mother of the Year? Wow. How matronly! I mean, I can’t wait for the kids’ questions on this one. “Where’s Daddy’s hand?”

Got Some Splaining to Do

According to the gay Stuff White People Like thing on Facebook:

Xmastime, Based on a total score of 29, you are officially 42% white and a card carrying member of the Non-White Group.

Favre

Brett Favre needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously, he cannot be oblivious to everyone knowing how he’s held the Packers hostage for years now with his “will I stay or go?” nonsense. And yeah he had a good year last year, but it wasn’t long ago he won 4 games in a year and had everybody groaning again and again with his idiotic interceptions. And for all his crying re: the team not getting Randy Moss, he had the ball in his hands with a chance to goto the Super Bowl and then delivered yet another panicky, what the fuck Favre interception to blow it. And for him to try and act like the victim now because the Packers won’t simply let him go to any team he wants to now is absurd.

But one thing that’s grinding my chops now is these idiots who claim that the Pack should succumb to any wish Favre sends their way because he “gave them a championship.”

Yes, he did. And he was great. But that was 19fucking96. TWELVE years ago! When Favre won a ring, Eli Manning was in 7th grade. Camon. Since then, Trent Dilfer has won a fucking Super Bowl for chrissake. I don’t see him demanding the Ravens change their name to the Baltimore Dilfers. This isn’t Tom Brady leaving the Pats right now. Should they let him play forever because during Clinton’s first term they won a Super Bowl? Really?

It’s been so long that I promise you you didn’t call anyone on your cellphone during that game. You didn’t read anything about it on ESPN.com, and when you thought of a “boy band” you thought of New Kids on the Block. Biggie and Tupac were still alive at the start of the season!! Let’s really put how long it’s been in perspective: the last season the Packers won the Super Bowl, we were only a year removed from the last time I had a girlfriend!!!

I know he’s meant a ton to the franchise. But enough. He’s no victim, and the team has a right to move on. Especially since he, you know…RETIRED!!! The last few years have been one long “thanks for the memories!” lap. The team doesn’t owe him jackshit anymore.

Rape, Backflips and Pies

Obama should say “fuck you” to the McCain people now pouncing on him about the surge going better than he expected. His response should be “well guess what – I didn’t want us there in the first place, shitforbrains.” To me McCain et al are acting like a dude that raped a woman, but now wants you to know that she had an orgasm. An akin thought by moi back in September:

But even if we are to assume the Surge was a small success, why am I supposed to be so fucking thrilled about it? To me, this is like someone coming over and burning my house down to the ground, then laying a single brick down in it’s place and then being incredulous that I wasn’t doing backflips and baking pies to thank him. Hey, thanks for the brick to rebuild with, but maybe you shouldn’t have burned my house down in the first place, dipshit.

Whatshisname

Amy Winehouse’s husband gets 27 months in jail for beating up some bar manager.

First of all: if you held a gun to my head, I don’t think I could get the name of Winehouse’s husband correct. Civil-Blake Fielder? Fielder Blake-Civil? I never get it right. But then I also don’t have a reason to get out of fucking bed in the morning, so maybe I should only devote so much time on this dilemma.


But my real question is, who the FUCK could possibly get beat up by this dude? What the fuck? Dude weighs 11 pounds!! Unless your name is Stephen Hawking, I cannot believe this little faggot could push you around. And then to admit it? Really? Why not call up the cops and have your Raggedy Ann doll arrested? Unreal. Almost makes me ashamed to be a Brit-loving celeb.

Who Gives a Batshit

Is everybody else SOOOOOOOO relieved now that the Batman flick has shattered every sales record known to mankind? Shew!!! How’d we even sleep through the weekend, waiting for the numbers to come in??!?!??

I mean for fuck’s sake…all goddam week leading up to the opening, all every fucking news site or channel was bleating about was “Batman could break all records!! Keep your fingers crossed!!! It might do it!!!” Acting as if we were all in it together – as if we were some small town and had entered ourselves in some national apple pie contest. What the…why would any of us give a flying fuck? “PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE break all box office records!!!” The media’s acting like we fucking beat the Soviets in the space race, and as a national collective have achieved greatness. Camon. As I’ve noted here before (scary – I referenced Heath in the post! BOO!), other than the four people who run Hollywood, who gives a shit about how much money movies make? Gee, I’m SO PROUD that complete strangers have made millions of dollars! Wow, I feel such a part of it!! Hooray!!! Maybe one of the producers can buy the Louisville Slugger company and beat my fucking brains in with a bat!!!!!

Can we just skip ahead to the fucking Super Bowl of waterworks Hollywood is going to put on during the Oscars for Heath Ledger and his “heroic” (an actual quote from a review) performance? Can we skip ahead to being over-the-top indignant whenever somebody questions whether Heath was the greatest actor who ever roamed the planet? The 11th Thing I Hate About You: you won't say that Ledger was Pacino times Nicholson times Brando squared!!!!!

I’m sure he was great in the flick. Wonderful. I will prolly not see it, it’s not really my kinda genre. My own life sucks enough; I don’t need to go see movies about, all things, SUPER-HEROES and hafta think “oh, no – Batman is sad!!!!”

Meanwhile, he was only an actor. I agree with my man here.

Finally! I Found Him!

...the one dude in the world getting less ass than me.

My Old Friend

Another GREEEEEEEAAT part of having gout is what it does to the rest of your body. I’m on Day 3of a vicious ankle flare-up, and the pain in the ankle has finally begun to subside. But now, because of the way I had to contort my body to limp around during the bout, the rest of my body is shot to hell. My back is gnarled in shredded knots and my fucking hamstring feels bruised. And I slightly twisted the fucking knee above the gouted (?) ankle during my hobbling, so now that is howling. Wtf. So by tomorrow my ankle will be fired up and ready to go, but will be looking up asking “what the fuck’s going on up there? I’m all better for fuck’s sake, quit moving like a fucking old man!!!”

Slllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

Fashion Herald Alert

Picture teasers from our next video shoot here. And you guys are right: my hair IS amazing. Ain't cutting it!

Oh My!

From CNN.COM:

"McCain predicts 'spectacular' terror attempts in Iraq."

Oh, NO!!! We'd better make sure McCain is the President then, shouldn't we?? THIS isn't some Jedi mind trick for us to mull over for the election, right? Obama's probably predicting candy corn floats and Gummi Bear tea parties, the fucking pussy...thanks for the warning...PRESIDENT MCCAIN!!!

A side note: is "spectacular" really the best word he could use here? I dunno about you, but "spectacular", to me, connotes a feeling of some sort of positive greatness, no? I mean, are these gonna be bloody, horrifying acts of terrorism or 4th of July fireworks? Does anybody ever say "and then there was Mary's spectacular rape 2 years ago...."?

Deadmail

It's so easy to set up a Yahoo or Hotmail account with any name you want. So surely I cannot be the first person to come up with a way of freaking out relatives of the deceased, can I? Somebody has an Aunt Peggy that just died, for instance. How sad. Now what if one morning you open up the ol' Inbox and there it is...an email from the grave.

-----Original Message-----
From: Peggy Smiff [mailto:pegysmiff@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2008 8:56 AM
To: Smiff, Rhonda
Subject: Re:

I can't believe you let them pull plug on me. And you wonder why you were never my favorite. Thanks a lot, you bitch.

Aunt Peggy


Right? Ho much fun is this???!! I can't wait til someone I know has somebody die so I can do this!!!!!!

The Homeless Broncos

Who knew Denver even had homeless people? What the fuck - how much of a laid-back slacker hippy do you hafta be to be a homeless dude in DENVER? Jesus christ..."I don't have a job, or a home to sleep in tonight, but I can still try to catch some cool slopes..." Picking granola bars outta trash cans? For fuck's sake man, have some pride!!! Shave your fucking mountain man beard off, put on a clean poncho and get your sorry ass over to New York City - the Major Leagues of homeless!!! You're eating outta Denny's dumpsters when you could be slurping up waste run-off from Peter Luger's? Camon! For fuck's sake remember that on your deathbed it won't be the alleys and doorways you DID sleep in that you'll remember, but the ones you DIDN'T. Jesus Christ...Denver? Really? That's the best you can do? Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life wondering if you were ready for The Show? Camon. At least TRY to be something in this lifetime. Remember what they say - if you can't make it in New York, you can't make it anywhere.

Two T-Shirts I've Seen Today

I may be drunk, but you're still too ugly.

I have multiple personalities, and none of them like you.

McCain's On It!!

My favorite part of McCain's speech yesterday was how the crowd went batshit with a standing ovation when he claimed that if elected president he will, once and for all, capture Osama Bin Laden.

"I will get Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice. I will do that."

Hmm. Really? I mean, Bush is a fucking idiot and all, but he's had the exact same resources you'll have and he never got him; what makes you think you will? This is how stupid these people are - 7 years are not getting Bin Laden, and yet this jackoff says "I'll get him" and they lose their minds applauding. "Oh, YEAH!! Hey, he just said he'll get him! It's in the bag! High five!!!"

What? I mean, why not just fucking campaign on "If elected I'll give everyone a million dollars in poker chips. And I will find out how The Sopranos really ended. I will do that."

Oh, wait...maybe McCain has a secret plan to get Osama? Maybe...maybe he's already got him!!!!! Of course, I would think it'd be smart if he handed him over now, no? Wouldn't you win the election in a landslide if instead of being the guy saying "I'll get Bin Laden!" you can say "hey, I'm the guy that got Bin Laden"?

JOHN - TELL US YOUR SECRET!! YOU'RE AMAZING!! WE THINK!!!

Barackallah

I love that about 15% of people polled in this country actually think Obama is a Muslim. You can't turn on a camera in any of these red states without some chutterfuck walking up and saying that he's pretty sure Obama's a Muslim, right? And when they say "Muslim" they never imply "a follower of the religious faith of Islam, based on the words and religious system founded by the prophet Muhammad and taught by the Koran, the basic principle of which is absolute submission to a unique and personal god, Allah;" they of course mean "screaming and wailing sandni**er with a towel on his head desperately trying to blow up all of our holy Pizza Huts." For fuck's sake. McCain says he's Episcopalian...why should I believe that? Maybe I should find a camera "Oh, McCain? He's in the KKK right?" Then again, maybe I should pick a group that might offend his fan base.

And why stop at Muslim? why not go all the way - "Obama? Isn't he OJ?"

Not only does Obama wanna kill Americans, he wants to kill the hot blond ones!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

GrizzaDay!

GrizzaDay (n) - July 13, the day between Mamalizza and Xmastime's birfdays. Also: excuse to eat a whole ice cream cake guilt-free.



The First Annual GrizzaDay ice cream cake!

Who am I fucking kidding…me, with an ice cream cake handy? Could be any day of the year. Sigh.


Lil Bear, Husky and Short Bus watch my old home movies. “Acid wash jeans? How old IS this motherfucker??!?!!”


Husky at Defcon 2: someone has opened a bag of chips within 6 blocks.


Cherry Bomb and I doing our “act”: I do funny voices as if it’s her talking and she…


remains completely expressionless. A tough crowd. You should see our rehearsals: totally depressing.


Left to right: “Hahaah! This is fun!” “Peace!” “The last time I smiled was when FDR died.”


Me & Cherry Bomb gossiping; aka "shit-talking." I talk outta the corner of my mouth about people at the party while she stares at my amazing beard, wanting to ask "Xmas, did a sweater throw up on your face?"


Kdawggy gives her best "ewwww...I slept with that?" look. Oh, you KNOW I've gotten that look a lot from the womens!! Well. I would've. Sigh.


I would throw myself in front of a bus for Lil Bear. We know this. But I've spent the last 20 minutes staring at this picture, FURIOUS!!! thinking that was a Chicken McNugget in his hand - "this little shit shows up with McNuggets and doesn't fucking give me any?!!?!?! Fuck him! We are done, you are NO GODSON TO ME!!!" Crisis averted - it's a nacho. Shew.


Xmas, Cherry Bomb and Mamalizza. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid back, stone cold C H I L L I N...


...until somebody cuts one. Jesus. Who brings boiled peanuts to a party???