Monday, October 31, 2011

Eric Cantor is a Shithead

Eric Cantor, who is from my home state and one of the biggest tools in the history of the world, is on the list of pork barrel hypocrites exposed by Newsweek:
To Cantor, an $8 billion high-speed rail connecting Las Vegas to Disneyland is wasteful “pork-barrel spending.” The Virginia Republican set up the “You Cut” Web site to demonstrate how easy it is to slash government programs. ...  Letters obtained by Newsweek show him pressing the Transportation Department to spend nearly $3 billion in stimulus money on a high-speed-rail project—not the one he derided in Nevada, but another in his home state.
On one hand this is mis-leading; on the other hand, Cantor has brought it upon himself.  Cantor is the representative of approximately 650,000 people - he should be lauded for trying to bring in a project that includes $3 billion in stimulus money. In a normal world, each representative would be doing his best to get his snout in the trough, fighting to get as much money and jobs as possible for the very people that he, you know, represents.

But Cantor has instead set himself up on the national stage, be it using a pretend deficit crisis to bring to a head a reason to shut down the government or speaking at the University of Michigan (why is a Congressman from Virginia speaking at the University of Michigan?), encasing himself in national slogans and "anti-spending!" hysteria.  Cantor would do better by actually bringing pork into his district and improving the lives of his constituents as opposed to making himself out to be a hypocrite. If every Congressman was selfish towards the needs of their own districts we'd be better off; it's when they begin to do the dance on a national level and belie all reality that they get their own districts in trouble.

Eric Cantor spends the greater part of every day completely screwing over his 650K constituents in the name of dried up, stupid rhetoric so that the super-rich who have nothing to do with his 650K constituents get more and more money.  Ironically, he has become a hypocrite for asking for money for his own district when were it not for people like himself, he'd get it.

Tebowing

So, THIS is happening:
The newest fad surrounding Tim Tebow, “Tebowing,” is defined by the website fueling the craze this way: “to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different.”
After sacking Tebow in the first quarter of Sunday’s Denver-Detroit game, Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch jumped on the popular meme by showing off his version of “Tebowing”:


As you already know, I am not a Jesus guy.  I don't believe in God, and could care less about any Jesus mumbo-jumbo.  But if some other guy does and wants to take 3 seconds to take a knee while not even remotely interfering with my life, I don't know what the big deal is.  I'm not a member of the God Squad, but I do think there's worse things to be in this world. There's guys in the NFL who have been prosecuted for beating women -  the next time Chris Cook gives up a touchdown, will the receiver go into the stands and beat the shit out of a woman?  Probably not.  Leonard Little killed at least one person while drunk driving, and I don't remember any on-field demonstrations in his face about it.  So let's take it easy on Tebow.

Also, a year from now I'm "guessing" the world will have no recollection of the name Stephen Tulloch, so.

"The Gang" - We Just Robbed This Bodega. "Cheeeese, Suckah!"

Xmastime Halloween Podcast

I Mean, I'm Just Saying...

...the day I announce I'm four pounds closer to my high school weight, Kim Kardashian files for divorce.  I mean, camon.  Don't take much to put this little puzzle together.

Diet Update

Another 4 pounds down this week!  Marching towards my goal like Sherman through Atlanta.  Gunning for 5 this week!

Ah Yes, The Sanctity of Same-Sex Marriage

or sanctitties, I should say.

Halloween Means One Thing...

...COUNT JACKULA!!!

Halloween Memories (Cause Im Too Lazy to Do Jackshit Today)

Friday, October 31, 2008

Too Many Halloween Plates

Here in Corporate America, everyone’s having fun laughing at the costumes some of the people have worn today. There are some “stars” of the office who with their lavish, loud costumes are getting all the attention and laughs as they bray about the office. But my heart is breaking for the girl in the cubicle in the corner that has a simple pair of mouse ears on her head and ain’t nobody talking to her. Dang.

UPDATE: 2:08PM. Just noticed she took the ears off. :(

UPDATE: 2:28PM. Now she's going around the office handing out cookies to everybody. There is no justice in this world.

UPDATE: 2:32PM. I took two. Poor thing.

Happy Halloween

Does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who actually got the 'ol razor in the apple? Seems like if anyone pulled that on a kid he'd get busted - seriously, if some asshole tried to pass an apple off on you during trick or treating, you'd fucking remember who it was, no? And what kid came home, dumped out his bag of candy on the table and immediately reached over the piles of Snickers and candy corn to shove an APPLE into his mouth? Who's this Poindexter? I would think you'd eventually SEE a razor since by the time you had gorged on your loot the damn thing woulda rotted away. "Oh look, there's a razor in this apple."

Sunday, October 30, 2011

State du Moi

Yesterday I was all Victorian England, watching Wuthering Heights and Great Expectations (yes, I know it takes place just before Queen Victoria, fuck you) and making myself try to read Pride & Prejudice again.  Today for some reason I find myself obsessed with post-war England and it's sparse drabness, be it watching Come Dancing, or this Elton John video or Nowhere Boy.  Even Tracy Ullman's superslice has that feel to it. And The Commitments, which was neither "post-war" nor, you know...English.

Me: a fucking fascinating cat.

Graveyard Etiquette

I don't visit tombstones. Never have. The very few times I have gone it's been cause somebody else wanted to, and I simply accompanied. I stand at parade rest, silent and running through Leave Home in my head, til the person wants to leave. Silent understanding nod, walk.

But when people leave things at a gravesite...what's the protocol? I just watched a dude on The Sopranos leave a whole new cake at a tombstone for his dead wife. I mean damn, a whole freaking cake...am I outta bounds for, AFTER he's left of course, walking over and taking the cake home and eating it? Hey, wouldn't I be doing him a favor - what if he came back the next day and the cake was still there? Disappointing, no? At least if I take it, he can convince himself that somehow his wife has it now and enjoyed her some cake from her man, right? You're welcome!

Hey, I'm just wondering.

They Did the Mash

Here's a list of The Best Halloween Songs; personally this is nonsense since there is only one "Halloween" song and it's The Monster Mash, period.  I never did a radio show in college without playing the Dream Syndicate's Halloween, but that didn't seem to have anything to do with, you know, Halloween.

The Best Pumpkins Ever

HERE.

They're all great works, but I feel none of them come close to "Puking Pumpkin" in terms of entertainment and wit.  But hey, what do I know - all I ever did was come in second place in the 1979 Easter Bunny coloring contest, so even though you weren't the (probably corrupt) asshole who finished first first why should you listen to me?

Question.

I missed it yesterday, but did anyone happen to get a screen capture of The Drudge Report's inevitable WHAT GLOBAL WARMING? headline when it started snowing? I'd appreciate it if you passed it along, thanks.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Questions. I Have Them.

Has there ever been two more disparate characters with the same name as Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights and Heathcliff from The Cosby Show? To say nothing of this low-rent Garfiend wannabe, of course.

John Lennon

It's pretty amazing to think about how much the world changed based on the decision of a 5 year-old kid:
Alf then put his 5 year old son into a terrible dilemma, asking John to choose between him and his mother. After deciding to stay with his father, John then ran after his mother as she left, calling for his Daddy to join them. He would not see his father again for almost 20 years.
Of course, the oldest story in the world ensues: boy goes with mother, mother leaves him with her sister while living just down the street, boy has no idea his mother lives a few blocks away until ten years later, finally gets to know her, she teaches him guitar chords on a banjo, she gets run over by a car and killed, boy meets Paul McCartney and goes on to being part of the biggest band ever, puts out an album showing his dick and his fugly nekked Japanese wife, puts out some shitty solo records, the shittiness of which is only surpassed by his youngest son's later lame-o efforts, then gets plugged 5 times in the back by a nerd who read The Catcher in the Rye too many times - I mean, really, how many times have we heard this one about so and so?  Meanwhile, imagine how different the world would be if he HAD chosen his father in the end.  Historically, musically, culturally, financially - entire industries and careers were created because of John Lennon.  Which would've made him a Noble Jobs Creator, meaning the Tea Party would've co-opted him ("Noble Jobs Creator" transcends "Hippy"), giving the Tea Party, incredibly, half of the fucking Beatles.

All because of the whims of a five year-old boy.  Ain't that something.  And yes, you're correct in assuming Lennon's father being "Alf" is a great excuse to watch this, as it looks like a young John is letting one rip below.

Anyone Who's Ever Had a Heart


Redditor bbilbay asked the Reddit community if they would be so kind as to cheer up his daughter and her best friend, who had recently been diagnosed with leukemia, by photoshopping “something pretty or fun” into the background of this photo of them together.


Oh, for fuck's sake.  Underneath all of my tough talk, you all know I'm just a big ol softy, and of course I fall for this shit like a ton of bricks.  So here's another picture for you kids, feel the fuck better already. 


Insanely Creepy Actor Portrayal du Jour

Heathcliff from the 2009 Masterpiece Theater adaptation of Wuthering Heights.  A mixture of Marco Pierre White and Shane MacGowan, if they were both funny and drunk on cough medicine.  As a bonus, the actor's name is the genre-approved Tom Hardy.

Past posts from me on Wuthering Heights HERE since nobody fucking asked or gives a shit.



Now This

Is cracking my shit up.

State du Moi

Fuckin' bored.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

As I've said before, my father was a serious, no-nonsense man.  Sometimes I sit back and think "what would I be doing right now if I were him?" and answer with COURSE I'd be flipping over to I Know What You Did Last Summer.  The scene where Ryan Phillippe gets run over by a car reminds me of this Hollywood nonsense:
11) One thing that bugs me about action movies is when someone is on foot and being chased by a car. They run in a straight line in front of the car; I believe in adrenaline too, but I’m not sure you can outrun a car that can go 120mph. Wouldn’t is make more sense to simply step aside as the car gets close? Wouldn’t the driver be like "…oh yeah, I gotcha, I gotcha, taste my fender you…oh shit…crap….okay okay, lemme turn around here…hold on, u turn…hoooooold on…." Doesn’t it drive you crazy? "Run Jimmy run!!" oh, no the car caught him!! Wow!!

State du Moi

Snowing outside, Great Expectations on inside.  I cannot say I am displeased.

iMix

As a former mix tape enthusiast, you know I'm miffed I didn't come up with this:
The $1.99 app, available in the iTunes App Store, displays your music in handwritten script on a background designed to resemble a cassette tape. The reels actually spin and you can create and share mixtapes with your friends via e-mail or Facebook, just like we used to do back in 1986. Finnish programming house Majasalmi, infamous for their Russian Roulette iPhone game, designed and built this decidedly more low-key app.

OWS Tone Deafness

Republicans seem to be under the impression that if the people at Occupy Wall Street leave because of the freezing cold, then they (the Republicans) have some how "won," thanks to their as-always stunning tone deafness.

Just because it becomes physically impossible to stay in the park doesn't change anything.  The message doesn't change or go away; there are other ways of telling Congressmen they're going to be voted out of office if shit don't change.  Until it gets warm again, people can gather in libraries, write letters to their Congressmen, mail them, and then repeat it the next day.  When it's possible to go outside again, do it.  Standing around in the cold isn't gonna impress anybody enough to make governmental changes - keep the noise going, but always remember that NEXT November is the important one, not this one.

Get These Mothafucking Actors off This Mothafucking List!

The Guinness Book of Records names Samuel Jackson as the highest grossing movie actor of all time. Like everyone else I love Sam Jackson and would watch him read the phone book, but I think this title is a bit misleading.  Most of his movies aren't "Sam Jackson!" movies, they're movies that he's in that happen to be huge.  Unlike, say, Will Smith or Tom Cruise, who routinely are asked to single-handedly carry entire movie franchises on their backs.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Big Bang Theory

As you know I've become recently hooked on The Big Bang Theory, but I still find it a little odd the default page on Wikipedia is the one for "current CBS sitcom" instead of "possible reason the entire universe and everything that's ever been and ever will be in it exists."  Hmm.

Christ, Is EVERYthing Made in China?

;)

Halloween Memories

from November 2008

It was another successful Fort Green Halloween the other night. The fellas had a great time, and I lasted more than last year's 14 seconds before completely collapsing, desperate for a beer. As for my costume, I went as the same thing I did last year: Huge-dicked raconteur who likes Indiana high school basketball and buttered toast.

My favorite thing to do on Halloween these days is to walk up to a little kid in a costume and say "So, what are you supposed to be...a fucking asshole?"


"Trick or treat!...do you have any sub-prime lending that can be applied to non-conforming loans? I'm just kidding - fill this fucker up, poindexter."



Lil Bear Lil Bat is loose!!! Scary!


Kdawggy and COUNT JACKULA do their scary Halloween faces for the camera. Scary! Meanwhile, Watty casually looks at the camera.



I think Op is generally frightened by Lil Bat here. Meanwhile Lil Bat poses for the camera AND has the presence of mind to slap my hand away as I try to steal his candy. Well played, Lil Bat...but I will be back! Next year! :)

Halloween. Katie Price Gets It.

Trick or titties, indeed.

If Obama's a Socialist Trying to Start a New World Order with his Boot-heel on the Throat of Capitalism, He's Doing a Shitty Job Of It

Friday Office Crush Roundup

Original Office Crush: way outta my league.  is nice to me but would be disgusted by me in real life.  I'd hafta watch my language around her; the Phylicia Rashard of the group.
Turtle Office Crush: newly married. to a doctor.  and looks like a Turtle. Not conventionally pretty, but does it for me.  Her huge tits go in the "plus" column.
Pizza Office Crush: new to the office, mighta just warmed up to me cuz I'm friendly. But voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus is voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus. Hottest/sexiest of the four. Husky voice helps. Looks Italian, which is prolly why she enjoyed my talk about food on the bus ("what the hell is 'warm salad'? Isn't that 'salad that's sat around too long'? Rich people - they'll eat anything you put in front of 'em.")
4th Office Crush: a slightly lesser version of Pizza Office Crush.  Most attainable as of this moment.  Lights up when she sees me.  Leading in the Wink department (so far.)

Movie.

I literally cannot remember the last time I saw a "grownup" movie - the last time I went to the theater without kids was...Ratatouille.  Which was my movie of the decade, but still was made for kids.  AND I saw it in the middle of the day.  Meanwhile, tomorrow I'm going with Big Bear, the Short Bus and Cherry Bomb to see Puss 'n Boots at 4:30pm, meaning it will be the first time since I literally can't remember that I will walk out of a movie theater and it'll be dark outside.  Wow.

Hysterical Juxtaposition Is

A two year-old girl mournfully waving bye-bye to her mama over the phone while simultaneously ripping a huge fart.

Oh, For Fuck’s Sake

I don't have any personal outrage for Bernie Madoff as he was just ripping off members of his own Members Only Billionaire Club (I get word if I'm in by 4pm today!!), but I am annoyed that ever since he showed up, the phrase "ponzi scheme" is the go-to phrase whenever some stupid, lazy politician wants to scare other stupid people without having to put any thought into it.  Obama's got an idea about student loans? Ponzi scheme.  Democrats raising taxes? Ponzi scheme.  They're trying to say Newt's on his third wife? Ponzi scheme.  The Holocaust never happened, it was just a Ponzi scheme. And on and on and fucking on.  Fucking christ.  How'd Obama's beloved White Sox win 79 games this year? Ponzi scheme!!  Obama's dick is bigger than yours? Ponzi scheme!

Thanks a fucking lot, Bernie.

College Fruition, XVII

Both Andrew Sullivan and Matt Yglesias over the past few days have mused re: the skyrocketing costs of college vs. it's actual value.  Which means, god bless 'em, they're only two and a half years behind me (AND in the link to my own previous post within this link to my previous post I pointed out that "The dilution of the college degree has led to the vanishing of the middle class workforce, which is why we're in the position we are now."  Double BOOM!")

Yes, I know it's gauché to walk around patting myself on the back for being a genius, but since today I'm finding out I'm the Tiger Beat heartthrob of the office, you'll excuse me if I walk around spreading my scene.

JUUUUST In Time For My London Move...

Apparently, if Prince Baldy and Kate Middleton-Xmastime have a daughter, she can become Queen:
Girls born to members of the Royal Family are to be given equal rights with boys in the succession to the throne as centuries-old rules were overturned today...As politicians unanimously agreed the dramatic reform to royal succession laws dating back more than 300 years, the Queen said the untapped potential of women and girls should be set free.
I understand how she became Queen is different, but this is a funny thing to hear about when Queen Elizabeth 2.0 has been on the throne longer than  me starting at 4pm Thanksgiving Day  for 59 years.  Also, I like what she said about our being free to tap women and girls.  Nom nom nom!

Ouch! That's Cold!

Even the Tea Party can see that their now-erstwhile darling Michele Bachmann is too silly for their tastes:
“Let’s face it: she’s a back-bencher and has been a back bencher congressperson for years,” he added. “This is not a serious presidential campaign.”
Wow.  That's like being asked to leave the cast of The Jersey Shore for not being classy enough.

Eventually, these people will understand that there is a time for serious governance, and not just an embarrassing clown show determined to out-stupid itself at every turn.  Bumper stickers are fun but they don't run countries.  Hopefully this is the first step towards this.  When they also tell Gingrich/Santorum/Paul/Cain/Perry to get lost and denounce their queen bee Sniffy Wiffy, we'll know they're actually serious.

Meanwhile, she still qualifies for the GOP Batshit Olympics.  Good luck, you dumb shit!

Paddy Mac at Disneyworld (or Disneyland, whichever the fuck one is in Fla.) Dressed as a Druid Letting Us Know Who's #1 As Some Jerkoff Kid Wanders Oncamera Completely Bewildered, Probably Homeless

UPDATE: OFICE CRUSH EMERGENCY ALERT UPGRADED TO "FUCKING BANANAS"!!!

Shit's really going fast now - I just got a wink and "thumbs up" from Office Pizza Crush, who for some reason was leaning against the wall watching me as I waited for something to print out...then I realized it wasn't Office Pizza Crush (I'm HALF blind) it was a completely different girl, whom I first met two weeks ago and with whom she was QUITE flirty and, with blurry vision, is a twin of Office Pizza Crush!!  Jesus Christ...I'M TURNING INTO FUCKING CATNIP OVER HERE!!!!!

EMERGENCY OFFICE CRUSH ALERT!!!!!!!!! CODE RED!!!!!!!!

There is now a THIRD Office Crush in the mix!!!!!!  I first saw her last week and she was all smiley/chatty, and then on the bus today she plopped right down next to me, jabbering, and then after reminding her today was Pizza Friday she said, and I quote, "you made my day!"

Office Crush and Turtle Office Crush, you are warned: there's a new crush on the scene, Office Pizza Crush!  Younger and hotter than both of yall (and with an amazingly hot husky voice), so I'd "suggest" you two pick it up today!

Diet Update

I've realized that over the last 2 years, without REALLY trying, I've lost 56 pounds. 56 pounds!!!!! On one hand that's totally depressing: how the FUCK big was I? On the other hand it totally makes me confident I'll sail through to my goal weight by Valentines Day. Here I come ladies!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

online Dating Update

Xmastime idol/mentor/mortal enemy has generously volunteered to pay for the first date I get from Match.com. Why does this matter, you ask ?

BECAUSE MARLEY IS FUCKING LOADED!!!! The guy from Monopoly is based on him! This means the lady will be treated to Peter Lugars, watching me treat the entire place to round after round of absurdly expensive fancy drinks, and then a carriage ride in Central Park! Of course, the SECOND date will hafta settle for The Xmastime Special (meet at The Nest, inhale beer that seems "off" and watch my Oscar-worthy "FURIOUS!!! I forgot my wallet!" performance)

Pass it on to the ladies. Thanks, Marley!

Vampires

One reason I'll probably never get the whole Twilight-inspired vampire craze these days is that when I hear the word "vampire," I assume that someone will be trying to scare me. But good looking kids in designer clothing milling around high school waiting to make out with each other isn't particularly scary. I mean, if I'm watching a movie and at any moment a scene from The Breakfast Club might break out, I can't say I'm really white-knuckling things. Unlike, say, Vlad Tepes, the original blood-thirsty gangstah. Or Elizabeth Bathory, even. That people like that actually existed IS actually scary as shit. Just put me in a darkened room with that picture of Vlad, and soon enough I will be clawing at the sheetrock to get the fuck outta there, scared shitless. Hell, any footage of Romania at dusk is freaky ass shit; they should just loop footage of that shit and charge us $10 a ticket. - XMASTIME
HERE'S A LIST of real life "vampires", including Vlad.  And some dude fucking corpses.

"Pussies."

Nighthawk

I've mentioned before HERE that a movie theater just opened up next door to my building, and now it's finally happened: they've been approved to serve booze inside the theater.  Now I can go out and do two of my favorite things: sit in a dark room and drink.  If only I could add "crying", I'd pull off quite the hat trick.

Moi

I appear to be somewhat overly-dramatic whenever I run out of some type of food in my house.  Just this morning I was like "Well, that's it for butter!  I'm out of fucking butter, so that's that! No more butter!"

Of course, I can take 100 steps in any direction outside my door and buy all the butter I want.  It's not like I have to say "well, we're out of butter until later on this month when Pa goes into town to the mercantile."

Sigh.  Me.  I'm really happening, aren't I?

Sigh. Once Again,

...some other guy steals my dream job. Damn.

Opportunity Knocks.

If anyone wants me to troll their Facebook posts, ie shower an absurd number of comments every single time they post something, I'm available. So.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm Not Proud Of This, but...

...if a dude uses a hair dryer, I assume he's gay.

Ben E. King

But the real prize came when I found Extra 104 up in DC, and the world of 50/60s music was opened to me in one fell swoop. i was astounded as right there on one station came "Wipeout!" and "Stand by Me" and "Have I The Right", one after another. I bonded with friends over our love of "real" rock and roll, and stayed up as late as possible soaking it in. All that stuff sounded better when it was dark anyways. I'm not saying I woulda never found this music had my Grandpa not bought me that radio in my Playboy haze, but I'll always feel that connection with him everytime it's late at night and "Just My imagination" comes on. - Xmastime
In 1986 I remember sitting in the dark in my parents' white Impala listening to Stand by Me (which shoulda made my top fitty, btw) and being overcome with how incredible the song was, and I noted it had been recorded 25 years earlier, which I thought might as well have been 1776, and now I realize it's been 25 years sine that night.  Sigh.  Liver spots on my legs, bursting!

Xmastime TV Guide

For months we were pounded with commercials demanding we watch the godawful Whitney (hmm...4 episodes in, and already 2nd straight rerun? Hmm.)  Meanwhile, a new show running opposite of it on ABC was completely unknown to me until I watched the pilot waiting for Modern Family.  I've seen most episodes, and so far I'm giving Suburgatory 2 thumbs up (although the name is stupid, and I look forward to when the "the suburbs are so different from the Bronx!" shit wears off.  But Lloyd from Entourage is in it!!!! And who knew Larry David's wife could pop titties?  That reminds me of my idea for Pop-Pop Tittays!)

 

Too Late.

Xmastime Headlines

The World's Most Annoying Session Backup Singer

Announcement

Looks like my girlfriend from The Big Bang Theory is engaged.

A shame, since as I've said HERE, she should be with Sheldon.

Podcast

I've never understood why Marc Maron's podcast was such a big deal, since I never thought his stand-up was funny; today I listened to it for the first time and realize he just gets the greatest guests.  Turns out Charlie Day is as funny as Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and I could listen to Jon Hamm all day.

Revelations, Book of

Michele Bachmann should take a lesson from how well Herman Cain's been doing in the polls thanks to his beyond stupid 9-9-9 plan and ratchet things up by coming up with her own 6-6-6 plan.

Gee. Quel Surprise.

A major trope the GOP like to roll out is that noble jobs creators are hesitant to "do their thang" because of the boot-heel of Obama's crushing socialism via capitalism-strangling regulations.  Of course it turns out that at this point in his presidency George Bush had generated more regulations than Obama.  Much like Bush's record-setting spending, I don't recall the outrage from Republicans over this back in the day.  That's a real mystery. But then, facts are for liberal pussies, so.  Hey look - it's Mickey Mouse!

FINALLY!!!

For YEARS I've been trying to find anything online about THIS VERSION of The Fall of The House of Usher without success...until right now!!!

(Watch from the beginning HERE...I hate you non-embeddable fuckwads)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I Gotta Be Honest

Like anyone else, I've loved the Stones all my life.  Meanwhile, I have a glitch in my brain wherein if you had a gun to my head, I couldn't say if his name is Keith Richard or Keith RichardS.  I fucking freeze every time.  Christ.

Meanwhile, here's my favorite Stones song of all time.

At Home with the Glynns

Outta bed this morning I saw this WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE: MONET vs MANET?

It immediately gnawed at me that I'd seen the exact same question somewhere in the past, and after a quick perusal through my personal bibliothequé I was giddy to find it in a book from my beloved Peter Leroy books, At Home with the Glynns:

"No, not an exhibitionist," said my mother. "That's something else. An expressionist."
"I know what you mean," said Mrs, Vernon, reaching out toward my mother. "I can never tell the difference between Monet and Manet."
I grabbed it to read again on the train home from work, and was pleasantly surprised to remember that, while not my SUPERSLICE of SUPERSLICES Little Follies: The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy, At Home with the Glynns might actually be an even better intro to Eric Kraft, as he lays out his Proustian writing style very clearly in the beginning, even including a story about breakfast rolls that is obviously an homage to Proust's madelines. And, of course, laugh-out-loud funny.

Buy these books!!  :)

Big Bang Theory Quote du Jour

Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

Well. Looks Like I Wasted an Hour Setting Up My Match.com Account.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

I can't help but note the coincidence of these two events. Much like everyone being excited about the Republicans getting the keys to the Kingdom back, everyone's running around shouting "The McRib is back! The McRib is back!!" And, much like the elction, I think as soon as somebody actually EATS  a McRib they'll be reminded "ooooooh, right, now I remember...this is fucking terrible. What the fuck was I thinking?" - XMASTIME
Oh, goody fucking joy: the McRib is BACK!  Again!  What the fuck is it about the awful McRib that McDonald's feels worthy enough about to fucking trot it out every coupla years and act like it's doing the world a great big favor?  Yet another reason McDonald's should be running the country, as it's brainwashed people into thinking being able to spend $4 for the privilege of eating their own turds is something they should be thankful for.  Incredible.

Please Help me Select My Match.com Username by Voting. Thanks!

My New Match.com Intro, as Provided by Marley

"I'm looking for someone who who can make me laugh, looks to have fun and whose head will fit nicely in the crook of my arm."

Office Turtle Crush Update

Well well well...GUESS who just "happened" to show up at the bus stop just as I did?  Hmmmmm...IT'S  a mystery!!!

Ba-zing

THIS GUY HERE shreds the veracity of one of those nonsensical "I work 9 jobs to live in a shoe under someone's bed and have succeeded purely because of my own accord and I'm on Wall Street's side" photos, pointing out that nobody succeeds or failures in a vacuum, even if there's nothing more American than claiming to triumph over being born into good circumstances.

See mine HERE.

Operation Get a Goddam Girlfriend Already

I'm rebranding myself tonight, kicking things up a notch by making the move from OKStupid to Match.com, and Marley has been thoughtful enough to put together a...helpful...bio to post on it.
I am a 39 year old white male who is heavy but not fat, a former member of the military (not a particularly brave stint, though honorable) and football player (on the high school-ish level). I am from the South (Virginia), transplanted to Brooklyn 13 years ago. I work at _________ and live with two fifty year-old men.  I play in a band very occasionally, and though I cannot sing (really, not a lick), I insist on being lead singer. You can take that as a testament to my stubborn and determined nature or it may denote a little masochism. I have never been married, I have no children, though I have been a "Manny" to one for many years, and I just finished writing a book on just that subject.  It has been awhile since I have been in a relationship.

I do not smoke but I do drink, though I'm no Buchowski. I am disease free, and in fact have never had an STD, though I am occasionally plagued with Henry VIII's disease - gout.

I love popular culture, movies, tv, a wide variety of pop music, and I am an avid reader of history. I am a progressive liberal and actually do believe that most Republicans want to repress me. This makes me conflicted about Republicans, because while I abhor their values, I suspect I'm jealous they won't let me join their club (much like the Facebook guy in "The Social Network" - less the money).

I also have a blog, which is an outlet for my narcissism and need to write incessantly as a way to work things out in my head. The blog is here -- http://xmastime.blogspot.com/ -- and it is not daring so much as extreme in terms of musings on politics, sex, pop culture, sports, etc . . . It is me and it is not, in that, I do like to laugh and can be very politically incorrect, but I will not dwell on breasts, The Beatles, ballgames and belching to the exclusion of all else nor do I watch as much pornography as you might think if you read the blog.

I am looking for a nice, funny, smart woman who has similar interests, does not take herself deeply serious, has patience for someone who has been out of the game for awhile, and above all else, loves to laugh.

(and has big tits)

Joking. I kid.

Office Turtle Crush Update:

She just came over and asked if anyone had an envelope; I said no but offered crackers that were in my desk.  Say hello to my web, little fly!!!!

Being the Brutish Dictator of a Nation as Well as the Richest Man in the World with $200B...

...I really woulda thought Qadafi would've risen to a higher rank than Colonel.  That's pretty disappointing.

The Bushing

When Dubyanuts proclaimed that after he was done destroying America as it's president he'd keep his nose out of politics it turns out that while he meant national politics, he didn't mean local school board politics in Denver.  Of course.

Will be interesting to watch when God tells Southeast Denver to invade the Middle East and give outrageous tax cuts the Broncos & Nuggets.

Xmastime Headlines

OWS

They're gonna call you "dirty hippies" no matter what, but a nice suit and a shave might add to your "seriousness" credo. - XMASTIME 
And for fuck's sake DON'T FUCKING STAND AROUND BEATING DRUMS BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE!!!!   The only way to beg people to take you less seriously is to bring in Cheech & Chong to speak.

Fucking christ.

Kids On TV

We seem to be in a bit of a Golden Age re: kids playing meaningful roles in tv shows, and this is a pretty good list.  I've seen and agree with the first four, haven't seen the rest (except of course Bart & Lisa.)

Tho how can they have Manny without Luke?  Just a few episodes ago they finally let Luke off the leash; every time he walked onscreen he killed it.

Of course the greatest ever were the Cosby kids during the first season of The Cosby Show, before they realized there were cameras and had to "act."

It Was 25 Years Ago Today

The Sox choked away their chance at their first World Series title in 86 years.  First of all, fuck 'em.  Secondly, this guy HERE correctly points out that they'd already choked several times over before Buckner's error; Buckner has been abused way too much, while Shiraldi et al haven't received a scratch.  I also don't recall Buckner turning around and losing Game 7 single-handedly, either.  Thirdly, how crazy is it that of all the billions of people in the world, Bill Buckner of all people is the one that looks as if Sam Malone and Cliff Clavin had a baby?  Finally, more than anything I'm impressed by the guy that recreated the at-bat on a Nintendo. Wow.

Weekly Diet Update

Another 2 pounds down!!  Normally that wouldn't be great, but considering I not only survived Brothatime!!'s Pigfest V but came out having LOST weight for the week, I am astounded.  I'm targeting Goal #1 by Thanksgiving, Goal #2 by Christmas, and my coup de gras, ie my high school graduation weight, by Valentine's Day as a gift to you ladies (whom I will be banging 24/7.)

:)

Office Turtle Crush Update

Talked with her the entire seven-minute walk from the bus to the office; mostly about a roast chicken she undercooked.  Nom nom nom!

Albert Pujols Is An Amazing Hitter, Will Test Our Sense of Perspective

Albert Pujols just struck out in the 9th inning of Game 5 of the World Series; not only did he strike out, he didn't make contact on a  hit and run play, which is one of the cardinal sins of baseball, and the runner was thrown out on a strike 'em out/throw 'em out play.  Two batters later, the Cards lose.

That made Pujols 0 for 12 in games other than his historic night in Game 3 when he hit 3 dingers and had 6 rbi, over which baseball writers are popping their hamstrings to declare to be the greatest performance in World Series history.  And maybe it is.  But the game was a 16-7 laugher; one of Pujols' homers came in the 9th inning and the score was already 15-7, and another came when the score was 12-6.  Not exactly high-pressure situations.  Reggie's 3 homers in the 1977 World Series not only came in the Game 6 clincher, but the final score was 8-4.  Not exactly the "let Albert tee off because it's a laugher" game we saw a few days ago.  If A-Rod had taken the opportunity to pile on like Pujols did and then pulled a choke job (so far) the rest of the Series (let's not forget Pujols' game-changing fielding error in Game 2), the scorn piling upon A-Rod as someone who can't get it done when it counts but pads stats in garbage time would be stifling; nobody would be calling such a Game 3 performance "historic", they'd be calling it A-Rod's love letter to himself, probably fueled by children being incinerated and Nathalie Holloway chained to the radiator in his bedroom.

I'm not saying Pujols isn't great - hell, I'm not even saying he's not a better hitter than A-Rod.  And there's possibly two more games left; I wouldn't bet a nickel against Pujols doing it again.  But it will be interesting to see what baseball historians do with Pujols' Game 3 if he goes 0-4 in a Cardinal Game 6 loss.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Art/Life Life/Art

An accident at Brothatime!!'s Pigfest this weekend involving knocking some plastic cups onto the ground and then trying to see which ones were salvageable (luckily there were another 76,000 still wrapped in plastic in the garage) reminded me of the "this one's wet" bit in this classic Eddie Izzard riff.

Tickle Me Fucking Oh I Give Up

On the Chinatown Bus today I was too distracted by events that I will soon reveal to you to read my book, so I found myself looking at the movie listings in the Daily News and saw there's a movie about the puppeteer who has been Elmo since 1984.  I immediately thought about spouting some h8 on Elmo; when he was about 6 months old I'd encourage The Short Bus to watch Sesame Street but would only become infuriated at the show seemingly having become The Goddam Elmo Show;  I honestly wondered if the little fucker was holding the show hostage by having pictures of Jim Henson sucking off some dude.

But then I realize the puppeteer's name is Kevin Clash.  Kevin Clash!  What?  You get rich and famous from sticking your hand up some puppet's ass and talking like a little girl AND you have the coolest fucking name in the world? Wtf??!!??

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

Hanging out with little kids makes me feel young; hanging out with people only a few years younger than me makes me feel old.

Sigh.  Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?

The Big Bang Theory Quote du Jour

(Talking about about his mother's upcoming Christian cruise)
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become -- willing to sail into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

Celebrity Sighting du Jour

Fred Armisen.

Dude looks like he's 75 years old.

I Know I Haven't Really Been On a Hot Streak, but I Didn't KNow Sex Had Comepletely Changed Since I Last Had Some

Hmmm.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Some Asshole Comet

Almost fucked the Earth's shit up in 1883.

Jesus. How close we came so close to no tv. No Beatles, no cheeseburgers. No...oh god, I can't even say it...no...Me!!!!!!!!!

Warning

I'm to lazy to look it up, but I've bitched about this on Xmastime ad nauseum.  There's an entire bloc of voters who voted for Obama, and then got frustrated when he didn't deliver them puppies and rainbows on January 20, 2009.  But instead of staying the course and insisting on pushing for a progressive agenda no matter how incremental, they said "oh, fuck it", which opened the door for watered-down, mildly effective compromises, allowing opponents to pounce "see, it failed!"   This ushered in the austerity-loving governors who, after about 4 seconds in office, voters realized "oh, shit."

It's like demanding to fuck Angelina Jolie, and being told you'd hafta fuck Scarlett Johannsson for now while they worked on getting you up in Angelina's guts, and instead of fucking Scarlett's sweet tang you say “forget it, asshole!” and instead opt for being ass-raped by that monster Kardashian girl. - XMASTIME

Today Sully nails it re: giving up on Obama cuz he hasnt delivered puppies and rainbows:
And if your purism demands staying home next year, do not complain when a global religious war breaks out. They've told us quite plainly that's what they want. Like a cold, sparkling drink on a hot summer day. War as a cocktail.

It's Official

When I get back from Pigfest 2011, I'm getting a goddam girlfriend. I'm clipping the nails, buying a clean shirt and turning on the charm. No, she doesn't hafta be my "soul mate" or some shit but enoughs enough. So look put bitches, here I come!

Okay, a misstep, but you get the idea.

Diet Update

Lost another 4 pounds this week; before we get too excited, I'm on a bus headed down to Brothatime!!'s Pigfest,so.Pray for me. And yes, it's already too late to pray for the pig.

Dr. John Carter

One thing lost in all the Steve Jobs genuflecting was how great Noah Wyle was in The Pirates of Silicone Valley. Thinking about the scene in which he humiliates the job interviewee from IBM still makes me wanna reach through the screen and beat the shit out of him. And I ain't seen it in 10 years.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Oh, Me!

After reading my post HERE about what women look for in man's personality, she sent the following as her own list:
Humor
Honesty
Faithfulness
Humility
Consideration
Ambition
Independence
She said I had all of those except one.  Gee.  Take a WILD guess which one doesn't apply to me, according to her?  ;) 

Seems Fair.

I See Sarah Palin and Her Trusty Helicopter/Rifle Combo Have Just Spent Some Time in Muskingum County

Thing I Wish I Had Come Up with du Jour

Unicorn Being a Jerk

Bringing a guitar to a party

Email Received du Jour

"you like crazy chicks."

Questions. I Have Them.

Where's the "Bush deserves the credit for killing Ghaddaffyi!!" outrage out there today?  Is the Right on vacation today? Camon, guys!  Wake up!  You're an embarrassment to Jesus and his lovable, scrappy sidekick, Baby Jesus!

Catfight!

My Turtle Crush and her newly-discovered humongous tittays must've heard about my Office Crush's dalliance with me today, because just now she walked ALL THE WAY TO MY CUBE, said hi, and then grabbed her hands behind her back and stuck those juggs out towards me as far as she could, while telling me "I'm just stretching," and then left after making sure I'd gotten an eyefull.  Jesus.

Ladies: whoever wins, whoever loses, this throwdown will be fun as hell to watch!

In America

Obama's Jobs Bill is wildly popular with the public and would put almost half a million people to work immediately, so of course it has absolutely no chance of passing.
In an earlier time, in normal times, when legislators used to behave the way legislators are supposed to behave, the minority’s leaders would have brought the price tag down, made the majority and the White House agree to something they wanted—peeling back one of those EPA regulations the Republicans hate—and we’d have had a deal. The minority would never have confronted the very premise. It was a priority of the president, which used to matter, at least sometimes, and more persuasively than that, the minority would have actually paid a bit of attention to those polls showing the American people backed this.
Of course.  Thankfully, since she's a great American and wants to keeps our minds away from this shit Jenny McCarthy is oddly hotter today than she was 20 years ago.  Thanks, Jenny.  (oops....I made a mess.)

Ironically, John Lennon's Favorite Number Was 9

Apparently Herman "9-9-9" Cain is getting a lot of shit for this video going around.  In looking at the lyrics:
Imagine there's no pizza
I couldn't if I tried
Eating only tacos
Or Kentucky Fried
Imagine only burgers
It's frightening and sad
I'd say it's the only thing I've heard come out of his mouth that makes any fucking sense at all.  Pizza is AWESOME!!!  (click here for all the words)

Questions. I Have Them.

Is there a better aroma than microwave popcorn just out of the microwave? MAYBE the wafting of some sweet stank after I've taught it a lesson, but even that's too close to call.

My Office Crush is Coming Along Right on Schedule

4:01pm

"Hello."
"Hi.  How are you?"
"Good, how're you doing?"
"Good."

Will keep you updated as this danse de l'amour continues.

Corporate Shitter Update

As you already know, there's nothing that happens in the Corporate Shitter that I agree with, and today has been especially eventful.  A few hours ago I finally saw the face of my Great White Whale, the guy who fucking brushes his teeth every day when I'm in there.  Feel bad for bitching about him, he looks like Santa Claus.

And just now I walked in and noted that someone was in a stall.  Talking on his phone as he huffed and puffed through his post-lunch sit-down.

Christ.  I shoulda just started screaming so whomever he was talking to could hear me "JESUS CHRIST!!!  Someone needs to change butchers, fucking hell it goddam reeks in this bathroom!!!!"

Groomzillas

Apparently, they exist.

Now, I'm not saying being one makes a dude gay.  But I am saying that being one means that he already was gay, and should not be marrying a woman.

Personally, as opposed to my incredibly-detailed-down-to-every-minute funeral, there's little I can imagine giving a shit about less than my wedding.  The only things I remotely care about would be the:

1) Food: buffet-style only; sit-downs are always disappointing and stuffier
2) The music: oldies only

And with both of those, if my fianceé put up a fight for more than 3 seconds I'd cave, having lost what little interest I did have by the second.

Seems Reasonable.

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

Shouldn't the people at Occupy Wall Street add a "We're" at the beginning, making their acronym WOWS instead of OWS?  "Wow!" trumps "ow!", n'est-pas?

Guy Dies Before Everyone Can Agree On How to Spell His Name; Tombstone Will Read "You Know, Whatshisface."

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

As with killing Bin Laden, getting rid of Gadhafi is just one more job Obama's done that Bush wanted to do but never could; when he leaves office, how great would it be if Obama became the commissioner of Major Leaque Baseball?

The Herminator's Pizza

Sully HERE points out Herman Cain's Godfather Pizza sucks.  However, Cain wasn't responsible for the pizza itself as much as he was for SELLING IT; I'd say the quality of the actual pizza doesn't show how much he sucks as much as the fact that someone like me had inexplicably never even HEARD OF Godfather's Pizza.

XMASTIME: A Reflection.

Over HERE we see 7 Things Women Expect from a Man's Personality.

Sense of Adventure: I wouldn't say I have a sense of adventure in a bungee-jumping, mountain climbing way.  There's plenty of ways to get yourself killed without actively trying.  On the other hand, I'm always up for anything no matter how goofy and am, if I may say so myself, a wonderful and cheerful companion.  I can think of nobody I'd rather have on a cross-country trip than myself.
Some Emotional Depth: I have almost zero outwardly emotional depth; if provoked I instinctively bat it away with jokes.  That said, the more serious, deep situation I'm in the funnier I get.  You wanna be next to me if you're at a funeral, and the time I'm at the altar waiting for my bride to walk down the aisle should be filmed.
Acceptance from Other Women: I have girl friends, I think women enjoy hanging out with me.  I can talk about reality tv and pretend to care about gossip.  I haven't had a lot of girlfriends, but it's not because girls don't like me, they don't like me "that way," mostly because I've spent the last decade wandering around in a fat haze of idiocy.
Decision Making Skills:  This one I'm pretty bad at.  I know the ladies like the man to pick the restaurant/whatever, but whenever I'm asked, my mind goes blank.  Anytime I used to meet someone in the city I'd "off-handedly" pick Grassroots Tavern simply because I'd instantly forget the other 65,000 bars I'd been to.  I'm prolly TOO accommodating since I rarely give a shit where we're going as much as who it's with.
Ambition: I have ambition NOW; it'd be nice if I didn't hafta wait 39 years for it to kick in.  Grrr.
Chemistry: One of my previous loves I knew it the second I laid eyes on her;  another one took me almost ten years to realize.  And neither of them became anything really, so who knows/gives a shit.  Nothing you can do about this one.
Confidence: I have an insane amount of INNER confidence; I spend most of my day marveling at how awesome I am.  However, I don't display any OUTER confidence since I  assume anyone would know how unaccomplished I am (see: unfounded self-confidence.)  I also at a very early age developed a defensive way of telepathically telling people not to expect anything from me; my life is filled with pretend bumbling.

(heading to bus station with pony keg of my patented Canoe Cologne/chloroform mix)


MUKLUKS: vaunted Xmastime nemesis/idol Marley!

Hmm. Perhaps I Will Give The Jersey Shore Another Chance.

Chris Christie du Jour

Incredibly, Rex Ryan has run out of ways to guarantee the Jets will win the Super Bowl and has moved on to declaring such for other teams.  I look forward to hearing how many more Emmys he'd have won for Cheers.

What a Total Fuckwad

JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...